[Issue 61.14] 49 Things I Learned, Realized, or Observed This Semester 1) I’ve lived 23 years too long without a bike. Not only have I saved copious amounts of cash, but I feel ten years younger, and the exercise is providing me an excuse to feel better about all my other bad habits. 2) Sleep in at least once a week. I’m not talking until noon, but if you get up at 6 am day in and day out, try to stay in bed until 8 am once; it does wonders for the soul. 3) Cook for yourself as much as possible. Not only is this a much healthier alternative to your grab and go lifestyle, but once you’ve learned to cook for yourself, the closer you are to becoming self-sufficient. 4) Choose one TV show each semester to enjoy thoroughly; any more than that is just a waste of your time. 5) Always keep a pen and pad on your night stand. 6) LISTEN TO AND RETURN VOICEMAILS IN A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME! 7) Fantasy sports, and more specifically fantasy football is ruining professional sports. It’s time to return to cheering for a team, not individual players! 8) Keep track of deadlines. 9) Wear a tie once a week. A tie is the easiest way to say, “I care about the way I look,” without feeling like you put too much effort into it. 10) Acknowledge people when they’ve done something special or above and beyond what you’ve asked of them. 11) Offer help instead of criticism. 12) Hug your parents as much as possible. 13) Buy nice sheets. You sleep in them every night, so why are they cheaper than that vintage T-shirt you’ve worn once in three years? 14) Search for new music. You’ll never find your next favorite band if you never look past the classics. 15) Step back each day if for only a few seconds to realize how lucky you are. No matter how bad things get, take solace in the fact that you woke up that day. 16) Play the air guitar or air drums as much as possible. 17) If you don’t hear from someone you consider a “true friend,” for an entire year, they are not a true friend. 18) Take one class each semester that may be deemed a “leisure” activity, not three. 19) Let your hair grow. You’re in college. 20) Live in a clean house or room. You can’t believe how much more productive you will be when you live clutter free. 21) Surround yourself with people who make you smile. 22) When you have a great idea just say it, no matter how lame people end up thinking it is. If you never say it, your idea never had a chance.
23) BBQ whenever you have the chance. 24) Surf whenever you have the chance. 25) Eat less Mexican food. 26) Don’t be the guy that always calls “shotgun.” 27) Help your friends clean up after a party; it’s the best way to thank them for their hospitality. 28) Having a firm handshake and looking someone directly in the eyes is the best way to show someone you mean business. 29) Wake up with enough time to browse the news and drink at least once cup of coffee. 30) Hang your clothing immediately after doing your laundry. 31) Don’t yell. The second you raise your voice during an argument you lose all credibility. 32) Never make fun of someone’s tattoo, no matter how generic or meaningless you deem it to be. 33) Read the fine print. 34) Read the card before you open the present. 35) Build something with your own hands, or at the very least, attempt to. 36) Fingerpaint more often. 37) Videogames suck. 38) Always carry a camera. 39) Upper campus feels and looks like a university should. 40) “It takes more than one person to decide what’s fair.” 41) See as much live music as possible. 42) Never feel weird about showing up to a party with a bottle of wine. 43) Having more than one drink each night doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it makes you a college student with a slight drinking problem. 44) Being a Dino Professor is way easier than being an Editor-in-Chief. 45) The word “love” should only be used on people or things that you can’t see your life without. 46) I 47) Love 48) This 49) Paper!
Dino of the Week
–Ryan Kobane
Sam
Editor-In-Chief
Our Cover in the Making
Photographs By Ryan Kobane
Ryan Kobane Dino 100 Professor Erin Hickey Interigashins Editor Beef Comics Readitor Matt Dupree Associate Editor Ryan Kobane Business Manager
ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com
Vincent Girimonte vince@lbunion.com News Director Kathy Miranda kathy@lbunion.com The Decision Maker Editor Ryan ZumMallen zummy@lbunion.com Commissioner of the Pyramid/ Pyramissioner Victor Camba victor@lbunion.com Comics Editor Katie Reinman reinman@lbunion.com Creative Arts Editor Michaël Veremans scarf@lbunion.com Webmistress Earl Grey earlgrey@lbunion.com Regional Editor of Thought & Campus Demigod Erin Hickey Literature Editor & PR Beef Pizza Eatitor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director
erin@lbunion.com
Steven Carey Feature Editor Erin Hickey Beef Copy Editors Ryan Kobane Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver
beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com
sales@lbunion.com steven@lbunion.com science@lbunion.com
Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Vincent Girimonte Off-Campus Distribution Darren Davis, Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Christine Hodinh, Jesse Blake, Derek Crossley, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Cynthia Romanowski, James Kislingbury, Philip Vargas, Rachel Rufrano, David Faulk, Paul Hovland, Katrina Sawhney, Allan Steiner, Brandi Perez, Sergio Ascencio, Tessah Schoenrock, Tommy Coleman, Ryan Waterson.
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.
During the summer we made a paper that never got printed. It was 24 pages, full color, and honestly pretty damn good. The cover you see above is one of our buddies playing no-limit with a stuffed animal. If you want an explanation read the summer issue online. So what does this week’s cover have to do with the summer issue you ask? The picture of Steven Carey going nuts on his typewriter was taken during the shoot for the cover we ended up using. I’ve always thought it was a great photo, and captured Carey’s true spirit (he’s fucking crazy). The photo of the tree actually looked really cool in color, but you’ll never know cause everyone thought it was sad and had nothing to do with the short story contest...
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
10 December 2007
Opinions
Pave Paradise, Put Up Another Starbucks
with keeping these businesses alive as some previously thought. By Rachel Rufrano In November of 2001, a boycott was organized against the retail Union Staffer chain Forever 21 by factory workers until payroll wages and working conditions improved. However controversial these circumstances were, have seen the end of the universe…and it’s on the third floor of the the boycott was near nonexistent because no matter the conditions, University Student Union. An emerald siren hangs in the window consumers were blinded by cheap designer knock-offs and vanity took above the escalator and, despite her feminine wiles, she symbolizes top priority. In fact, retail analysts estimated that sales had grown to the man. She represents the talking head, the global conglomerate, and more than one billion dollars in 2006 from the $640 million earned in corporate greed—she represents Starbucks. Some may criticize that this the year previous. chain represents everything wrong with globalization and condemns the We may have ruled out income as an excuse, although low controversy surrounding the chain’s fair-trade policies, prices have proven to be a convenience, but vanity still labor relations, and environmental impact—the seems to be a viable issue. People who shop core of American imperialism. Why, then, at Wal-Mart can afford to decorate their if it seems so many people denounce houses and wardrobes like middlemonopolistic conglomerates like class consumers, those who Wal-Mart and Starbucks, do shop at Starbucks can carry we see them consuming disposable caffeine-laden our cities and fashion accessories, and neighborhoods? the teenage Forever Comedian 21 consumers can Lewis Black sowed dress like celebrities general discord on their fathers’ for Starbucks in allowances. his act in 2005, Has vanity claiming that taken such a high it was the end precedence in our of the universe. society that, despite He explains, the fact that we “If you walk to realize what we’re the end of the doing is damaging block, there sits our economy and a Starbucks. And values as a society, directly across we still shop at the street—in the these mega-chains? exact same building If someone really as that Starbucks— believed that ridding our there is…another civilization of these places Starbucks. There is a would remedy our financial Starbucks across the street problems and restore the moral from a Starbucks! And ladies fiber of this country, they would and gentleman, that is the end stop shopping there. Considering that of the universe.” This proves to be a a large majority of the CSULB campus is strikingly relevant revelation considering liberal and claims to deplore imperialism, is it Illustration By Philip Vargas that Cal State Long Beach is opening a Starbucks down any wonder that we are opening yet another Starbucks? the hall from the one in our library. Our campus has done so much to ensure that our 49er shops offer So, yes, I suppose it could be “the end of the universe” that Mr. products produced through the Fair Labor Association and patrons can Black describes, but more logically it could be that the problem lies rest easy knowing their purchases weren’t made in sweatshops. Why within our consumer-happy hearts and not the mind of some greedy wouldn’t we do that much to guarantee fair capitalism and open shops talking head. It’s this kind of hypocrisy that fuels said corporation’s that enrich the competition we see reflected off-campus. The only real success. Prominent 60s folk singer Joni Mitchell quit the music business solution to this dilemma is perfectly catered to the lazy audience that nine years ago in an attempt to make a statement about the industry’s encourages and supports these chains—it’s almost too convenient. The corrupt corporate aims and said, “I hope it all goes down the crapper. only real way to bring these chains down is not to shop there. Buy It’s top heavy. It’s wasteful. It’s an insane business.” Now her music is coffee and clothing and food for the same price at any other retailer broadcasting through Starbucks speakers in more than forty countries and you’ll be making a significant contribution to your economy. Yes, worldwide—the very evil she once censured. this means you may have to take the extra time to walk down the hall There have been many instances in which people thought a to purchase coffee in the library or downstairs at the Coffee Bean, but picket line would keep a Wal-Mart form existence. Unfortunately, the principle will only make your beverage taste that much better. the number of people picketing never compared to the number of The truth is, this article does nothing to lessen the convenience of the people who keep Wal-Mart in business every year—most of whom upcoming Starbucks—the same way picket lines and boycotts were earn an average of $35,000 a year. This, of course, is a much lower organized in vain. The only thing that can make a difference is you. salary than those who regularly shop at Starbucks. For this reason, But hey, if Joni Mitchell can ignore the guilt gnawing at her soul, so can it may be safe to assume that income doesn’t have as much to do you—we’ve done a commendable job so far.
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Blackberry Bill Miscalculated by 49er By Melissa Duque ASI Communications Coordinator The Associated Students, Incorporated has for several years provided cellular phones (or paid cell phone allowances) to its executive officers and certain members of its full-time staff to make staying in contact easier. This was particularly needed for those employees whose work assignments regularly require them to be away from their desks. In addition, we have for many years provided personal digital assistants (PDA’s) to our executive officers and certain staff members to aid in their productivity, organization, and time management.
10 December 2007
Two years ago ASI initiated a project to consolidate our PDA and cellular communications programs to ensure consistency and compatibility throughout the organization. As part of this process, we also looked for a platform that would be compatible with Lotus Notes. Lotus Notes is an information management system used by the university that is similar to Microsoft Outlook. ASI contacted a variety of companies for the best plan and system. We ultimately chose Verizon, which is the same company used by the university. As part of the plan’s promotion, Verizon offset the $49.99 cost for each Blackberry with a $50.00 credit. As a result,
ASI only had to pay for the tax on the devices. The price of equipment, the plan rates, and the system’s compatibility with Lotus Notes made this a cost-effective and sound business decision for ASI. The annual cost per user is comparable to what we were previously paying for a cell phone plus a PDA. As of November 27, ASI has paid $9,582.34 for the program and not the $22K that was reported in the article. Furthermore, the actual budget for Associated Students, Incorporated is $9,201,104. Of this amount $2,996,261 represents income generated by ASI departments. The Blackberry program is not funded exclusively by student fees.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Counting to Sixteen By Derek Crossley Union Staffer I talk to myself, a lot. But I’m a narcissist, so I prefer to talk to myself in mirrors. In my house I have three mirrors I use to work out my problems. One is inspirational, another is selfdeprecating, and the third is just a complete, honest, brutal asshole. I really like the last one. I carried a big secret around with me for a long time. I was afraid I was crazy. But I decided to tell my brother when I was sixteen. It seemed like the perfect age. I told him that for as long as I could remember I’ve been counting to sixteen. When I was at school I counted to sixteen. When I was home I counted, or when I tried to fall asleep. When I was sad or happy, depressed or excited, I would count. I am obsessed with eight-sided objects. Octagons made my heart pitterpatter. I would invent new shapes in my mind with eight sides. Some would be spiky like a starfish, others would have long sweeping curves, but they all had eight sides, and when I would count around them they would always add up to sixteen. I counted the driveways, lampposts, and telephone poles on every block. If they didn’t add up, if they weren’t equal on each side, I wouldn’t like the street, or anyone that lived on it. As it got worse I would invent imaginary driveways and mailboxes to fill in the (even if imagined) symmetry, that I craved. I’ve never been able to listen to music or watch TV on odd volume. I count the letters in every word I see and add them up in my head. If it comes out to an even number of letters then I can stop there, or, because it feels so good, I may want to count it again. But if it has an odd number of letters I have to count it twice to make it add up to an even number. I moved on to counting whole sentences, paragraphs, and complete advertisements. (Counting every letter on a movie poster is harder than you may think.) Sometimes I would spend a few minutes counting all the letters in a beautiful paragraph only to find that it has an odd amount of letters and I’ll have to do it all over again. I also count the letters on every street sign I see. But here I use a few tricks to help me out, because when I’m speeding down the 405, counting signs, I need a shortcut or two. So when I see a street such as Wilshire Boulevard, for example, you may think to yourself, “Derek, you would have to count that sign twice because it has an odd amount of letters.” But, sadly, you would be wrong. You see, the abbreviation for boulevard is Blvd. Therefore, turning it into an even lettered sign. These are just a few of the thoughts that stroll casually through my head all day long. And people still don’t understand why it’s hard for me to deal with everyday social interaction. It’s simple. I’m counting the letters in whatever stupid slogan is on your shirt. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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[Opinions] Point(counter)Point
By Vincent Girimonte Honeycutt
Point(counter)Point
Darren and I embarked upon this semester girlfriend-less, somewhat content with our haircuts, and convinced we had the grit to maintain an entertaining column on this here opinions page. Since then, we’ve managed to botch relationships with perfectly capable lovers, perpetuate our substance abuse, and inherit an egomaniacal swagger that we neither deserve nor convincingly pull-off. The variable leading to our despondency, of course, has been this column, and as we scribe the final installment to this futile leap of intellectualism, we do so only in self-reflection riddled with inside jokes amounting to what is essentially twoman bukakki. A fitting end, indeed. You can’t blame us, however. Imagine two young men, confronted with the possibility of guaranteed space to hear our rants and ramblings about anything we wanted. It was giving us the keys to a very well stocked liquor cabinet inside of a very well stocked brothel, and true to form, we blew our load on the first night while taking baths in gin and tonic. Where did this genius plan go awry? Somewhere around the time when wood was considered a strong idea for a topic would be my guess, or was it when we started putting our hair in ponytails for “serious” time? Either way, it didn’t help that our loyal fans doused us with endless praise for about an hour of writing and six hours of brain cigarettes. Yes, I’m blaming you, President Alexander, for this debauchery, if for no other reason than that this is a poorly written opinion-ish article and protocol tells me you’re the man to bully. Darren will tell you we are now better friends due to our long nights fleshing out this column and arduously critiquing each other’s work—he tells you this while ignoring the only true idiom under which I thrive: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and then kill your frenemy while he’s sleeping. The last part is my addition, but you get the point. I couldn’t let you verbally trample me, Darren; our friendship was spawned in order to gain a strategic angle that you mistook for genuine companionship. We are not better friends, or better people for that matter, but I do know where you hide your gin. I also know your favorite place to get a curry, and where you like to receive your post curry foot rub—all of this research aimed to punish you. The deception is over now. No more long talks about previous long talks and this horrid space on the opinions page and how it’s probably the best thing since Johnny Walker started mixing whiskeys. Let’s be real Darren: while our material was undoubtedly brilliant, the fact remains our audience wasn’t ready for its density. It’s a classic case of ignoring your demographic, however small it may be. Like the time we stormed the party full of freshmen: our banter was not “sexual harassment” per se, but looking back proves we were hasty in our decision to bring in the squirt guns. Live to write another day, Darren, when the world is ready for two men in ponytails talking about brain cigarettes.
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By Darren Davis Keystone
The end of the line. The most self-important column on the campus’ most self-important publication is about to collapse into a black-hole of inside jokes and effortlessly esoteric, faux-intellectual hullabaloo. And what have we learned now that we are passing this like a Pinkberryflavored kidney-stone? Mainly that mine and Vince’s respective indulgences know no limits, and that it was a ridiculous notion that we should be allowed space on this paper to debate anything. Not that we didn’t try. This version of “Point(Counter)Point,” which is merely a syndicated version of an already existing concept that has peppered The Union Weekly over the years, started out legitimate and agenda free, unlike that suit Vince frequently wears on the first date. While gearing up for The Union’s summer issue, which none of you read because we never got around to distributing it, Vince and I were asked to debate whether or not Barry Bonds was a positive or a negative contribution to baseball legend as our new home run king. Vince, being from Northern California and therefore smug as shit, jumped at the chance to defend Bonds, while I, a true baseball fan, and sensible in every respect, wanted to tear him a new one. So we wrote it with vigor, void of any self-reference. We addressed the issue out of passion for the issue. But the summer issue disintegrated into thin air. The one copy remains on Ryan Kobane’s bookshelf, next to Danielle Steel, and with it, the only artifact of a true debate between Girimonte and Davis. For The Union ordered the back-nine of our little column, and overnight, without knowing how or why, we turned P(C)P into Language Masturbation Fest 2007. That just goes to show that often, when left to our own devices, Union staffers will revert to a pissing contest. In this ouroboros argument, the last of its kind, I will defend Point(Counter)Point on certain grounds. Although we knowingly failed to shed any sort of credible light on topics ranging from Cal State Long Beach’s “no dancing” policy to the legitimacy of wood, Vince and I did manage to create a nice little nugget of the banter between, well, Vince and I. Looking back on archived issues of the Fall ‘07 semester, in what is probably a sad observation, we really did capture the way my colleague and I speak to one another in our private lives—and that includes the frequent use of the word “colleague.” If nothing else, P(C)P is a scrapbook of the week in, week out dynamic of myself and one of my best friends (Yes, I am going with the overtly-sentimental season finale on this one). Our readership might have dwindled down to one (hi, Mom) once students realized they were reading less a debate on a campus tanning salon and more on Vince’s complexion or my...dress pants?...but we still had a lot of fun performing for you. So here it is, Girimonte. The score meant nothing after all.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
10 December 2007
News
NEWSTRADAMUS Factitious Predictions
Real-Life “Hitch” White, Boring Contributor
t was risky having him. He is not your typical college speaker telling you to “Stay in school!” He warned the audience that he might offend some people. “Nice legs…What time are you open?” he asks as the audience gasps and claps their hands. He’s memorized 1,110 pick-up lines and Howard Stern (he would know, wouldn’t he?) calls him the number one authority. David Coleman is America’s dating doctor, or the real-life “Hitch.” He did clarify that he did not kick a date off her jet ski or take a date to Ellis Island to see the signature of her greatgreat-great grandfather, as depicted in the motin picture based off of his dating prowess. He did admit, however, that he does have an allergic reaction to iodine, and that his face blew up like a balloon before he had to do a speech for an audience. Referring to the scene, played by Will Smith: “His face was kindergarten, mine was grad school.” Coleman doesn’t remember much of that night, because of the large amount of Benadryl he took. His book is one of the top five relationship manuals in print, and proceeds for his latest release, “Making Relationships Matter,” will go to the Shimko Family Relief Fund. His presentation did not focus on how to get laid or snag a date. Coleman emphasized the importance of good self-esteem. If you see yourself as completely unattractive, as he points out, then you’re going to convey the image to the rest of the world that you are ugly, therefore satisfying you’re self-fulfilling prophecy. Humility is key. Prospective partners do not want to listen to you talk twenty-four/seven. Let other people hear about you from other people. He thinks that the Jerry McGuire “You complete me” phrase, is misguided—he believes that the last thing a person should be looking for is someone who completes them. People have a habit of leaving each other (or dying).
10 December 2007
By Michael Veremans
Gay Torture Scabs
By Janine de Leon
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of the Recent Past
Gentlemen: he advises on not being aggressive too soon by holding their partner at the small of the back, which he calls “Switzerland,” or a sensual neutral zone. It’s far from the bum (pervert-zone) and far from the back (friendship-zone). Coleman advises both sexes to kiss with their eyes closed, saying it let’s face it, it’s just creepy. Coleman had a warning to couples, saying that 10 percent of the couples in the audience break up seven days after seeing him speak. He finds that couples who have run their course stay together for the sake of obligation. The audience did have an opportunity to ask Coleman questions about dating, himself and the movie. A student asked if he had met Eva Mendes to which he replied that plenty of ladies in the audience looked more attractive and make Eva Mendes look Illustration By sickly. Another student asked Katie Reinman how long before a person should have sex with their significant other. Coleman provided no definitive answer, saying it depends on the situation—he did set a deadline of ninety days as a general code. “The quicker a man wants to have sex with you,” he said, “the less likely he has respect for you.” College students can benefit from the abundance of similarity oncampus. Our years in college may be our last chance to be in that environment, where people have related goals, interests and are in similar age groups. You may find “The One.” Probably not. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to test the waters.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Oprah swung her mighty sword this Saturday when she appeared at an Obama rally in Iowa for 18,000 supporters. Though she claims she felt nervous in front of such a large crowd, her endorsement of Obama could mean his election, if her super-audience votes with her. Oprah is well known for her support for those struggling in America and her international aid and other programs. While Obama prepared to address the crowd, information surfaced that Republican candidate Mike Huckabee supported quarantining AIDS patients. He was also quoted as saying that homosexuality could, “pose a dangerous public health risk.” His record shows certain anti-progressive tendencies that may actually lead to further support from the far Right and Neo-Cons. While Huckabee was forced to look back, Bush was questioned as to the disappearance of two CIA interrogation videos that could indicate extreme torture is still practiced by American justice organizations. The “interrogation techniques” were specifically authorized for use by Mr. Bush to wear down prisoners will. Not much is to be said about detainees at Gitmo who remain in a legal void since the abolishment of habeas corpus. But locally, the writer’s strike hits its fifth week with some late night shows already back on the air with line-breakers and scabs behind the scenes.
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Sports
Four Sports, One Cup
Commissioner’s Cup
Long Beach State laid the smack-down on the Big West this semester, accumulating the most average points per sport in the conference to claim the Fall Cup.
Point Totals 1. Long Beach State 140.0 pt. average
W Soccer (T-1st) 180 pts W Volleyball (2nd) 160 pts W Cross Country (4th) 120 pts M Cross Country (4th) 100 pts
How a 49er Sports Fan Spends Winter Break By Ryan ZumMallen
If You’re Staying In Long Beach for the Holidays
Pyramissioner
F
all is always sort of odd, because two sports (golf and tennis) begin in the Fall, take a break and then end in the Spring. So they’re technically Spring sports. Which leaves us with only four Fall sports. In those four sports, Long Beach State collectively performed the best in the Big West Conference, as evidenced by our claiming of the Fall Commissioner’s Cup (above, right). But as a whole, it was a disappointing season. How does that make sense? Both men’s and women’s cross country finished in fourth. Great work, but nothing to write home about. Women’s Volleyball finished second in a season that we expected to culminate with an NCAA title game. Instead, we fell in the 2nd round of the tourney. Women’s Soccer tied for first in the conference, then (similarly) fell prematurely in the conference tournament semis, eliminating them from the NCAAs. And so we’re left with teams that finished in 1st and 2nd place—and underperformed. Bummer. Maybe it’s sad that we didn’t achieve what we had hoped to, but it’s put a smile on my face. Any program that is not satisfied with a 1st or 2nd place finish is headed in the right direction. I’ve never been so proud to be disappointed.
Hoop in the Gold Mine
There are some talented players and competitive runs during open play, so call ahead or check the gym schedule for free times that might be used for ballin. I found myself checking—and holding my own against—49er great Jibril Hodges earlier in the semester.
Go to 49er Hockey Games
They don’t get as much pub as the campus’ other teams, but the CSULB Hockey team has been on a tear this season. Ranked #3 in the Western Regional, the 49ers have put up 41 points during an 11-6-1 record so far. Check csulb.edu/org/hockey for schedules.
If You’re Going Back Home for the Holidays
‘Rep Yo Set, Fool!
Wear your Beach gear around your hometown, and be proud to tell people that you study in the land of the 49ers. Some Cliff ’s Notes to use: Alexis Crimes, Pyramid, Dan Monson, Dirtbags. Oh yeah, and until someone dethrones us, we’re still the defending Big West basketball champions.
Bash Your Friends’ Schools
No, we don’t have a football team. But you know what else we don’t have? Losses to Notre Dame and Stanford. Use that gem on your buddies that claim UCLA and USC—respectively, of course.
Try to Catch a 49er Game, Anyway
Go to 49er Basketball Games
Last Wednesday, three players on the men’s team notched career highs in points en route to a 77-52 victory over LMU. Great strides have already been made on what earlier looked like a lost season. Dates to circle on your calendar: January 10 vs. Pacific and January 31 vs. Fullerton.
Watch a Crazy Man Sail Around the World Some poor bastard Vann is going Longnamed BeachDavid Union Dec 10 to circumnavigate Earth in a 50-foot metal boat that he built and welded in his backyard. Vann embarks on his journey out of Long Beach sometime before the end of the month, so check esquire.com/tincan for updates. Among the boat’s impressive features: used sails.
Men’s basketball plays a tournament in Berkeley, the women play on the road at Pacific and at Davis, and men’s volleyball plays at UCLA—all in a two-week stretch in January. If you’re around, go out and be one of those annoying fans that cheers louder than all the crusty old home alumni.
Stay Up on the Goings-Ons
A 49er fan’s greatest resource is longbeachstate.com, which is always on top of the latest stories, game recaps, schedules and stats. You can even listen to a live game stream and postgame interviews after whichever game it is that you would have otherwise seen in person.
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
10 December 2007
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struck up a conversation with a fire-tressed goddess. We bonded over our preflight jitters, and she entered the cabin on my arm. As we sat, we made note of the emergency exits, oxygen masks and fat people to scurry over in case of a water landing. The lights dimmed and her knuckles went white in my hand. I held my breath. She vomited on my loafers and I fell in love. She sipped 7-up as I stroked her hair at 30,000 feet. Our paths diverged at baggage claim without a tearful goodbye. It was worth the stained leather.
–By Drew Dillon
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2 he EMT walks into the apartment building carrying only a small, first aid kit. He is relaxed. He knows that it is just another O.D. All PLACE he has to do is check the vitals, notice the lack of pulse, and call the coroner. “What do we have today?” he says to the young cop, lazily guarding apartment 3F. “Another Popper. Like yesterday, and the day before that, and tomorrow, and forever.” “At least they look happy.” The cop shakes his head. “That’s not happy, man. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t happy.” “Where did he do it?” “In his chair, nowhere weird like some of the others.” “Did you hear about the guy that was found in his dog house?” “I worked that case.” “Really? I didn’t believe it.” “I didn’t want to. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.” “Wow.” “Yeah. So, you wanna get this over with?” The EMT nods and the cop opens the door to apartment 3F. They walk inside and look upon the dead man. He sits in an upholstered recliner. An open pill container, displaying the markings of the wonder drug Orgasma, lies on the floor beside him. His face is frozen in auto-erotic ecstasy, and the crotch of his pants are heavy and wet with semen. “How much do you think that is?” the cop asks, pointing at the wet stain on the dead man’s lap. The EMT puts on a pair of gloves and walks up to the corpse. He eyes the man up and down with a technical appraisal, until his eyes land between the man’s legs. “It looks like at least a quart.” The cop gags. “A quart? Are you serious? Is that even possible?” The EMT picks up the blue and green Orgasma bottle and shakes it. It rattles and he pours the forgotten, green pill into his hand. “These things are really powerful and if you take a whole bottle it can do some crazy things to your body.”
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“Have you ever used them?” the cop asks. “Of course, haven’t you?” The cop shakes his head. “Nope, never.” The EMT looks at him shocked. “I thought everyone uses them.” “It just never seemed right to me.” “I love it. My wife and I use them every night. It’s so much better than the old way, so much simpler. My wife loves it, too. She’s so much less self-conscious now that I never have to see her naked. And it’s great because if she’s not in the mood, it doesn’t matter. If I’m out of town, it doesn’t matter. Like there slogan says: Any time of day, pleasure is just a pill away.” “Don’t you think that’s weird, though, that no one has sex anymore?” “Why? The government releases new child permits whenever someone dies, so population is under control. We aren’t going to die out. And we have Orgasma now, which makes the old, manual, orgasm feel like…like…I don’t know, like a warm breeze. Why would anyone ever want to have sex?” The cop sits down on the couch opposite the dead man. “Look at him. He killed himself with pleasure. He came his way to death. But he didn’t do it by having a heart attack with the woman he loved, he did it by swallowing pills that fire off synapses’ in his brain.” The EMT turns away from the corpse and laughs. “Look at you talking about love. You sound like my grandmother before she took a bottle of Orgasma to bed with her.” “What’s wrong with talking about love?” “Love is an artifact. It is a myth, something to be studied, but not to be taken seriously. It’s like The Bible, a good idea that doesn’t really work in the modern world. Think about it. They thought Jesus was God because he had, what they called, an immaculate birth. How normal is that idea now? Children are never born by sex anymore. Think of the social strain all those ‘natural’ births would be. All that genetic waste would be living with us.” “How can you say that something like that? Love isn’t an artifact. Love creates happiness. Love creates beauty” The EMT points to the dead man’s face. “Look at him. He is happy. He is beautiful. He did not kill himself in the name of some sappy romantic quest. He did not go out in a ball of pain, melodrama and sympathy. He went out in pure bliss.” “But there is happiness outside of just chemical reactions and physical pleasure. There is something special about human interaction, about actually talking with someone and getting to know them.” The radio on the EMT’s hip squawks and he holds it up to his ear. He listens and then say, “Yeah, I’ll be right there,” into the walkie-talkie. “Hey, there’s another Popper down on Thirty-Third Street I gotta go declare. But this guy is definitely dead. You can get the coroner down here.” “Thanks,” the cop says, as he stares at the dead man. The EMT takes off his gloves, organizes his kit, and walks towards the door. He puts the small green pill in his mouth and swallows. He leaves the apartment and smiles as the acid in his stomach metabolizes the pill and a warm surge flushes his cheeks.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
-By Derek Crossley 10 December 2007
I
’m up late this morning. I feel my way through the gray clear halls, I open the blinds. The simple insufficient day enters. Wiping spit from my cheek, I stumble into the kitchen, grab a mostly clean glass from the dish drying rack, pour myself some OJ, and sit at the table. Orange juice is damn good, I think, staring into glass. And it’s true: drinking orange juice should be considered a form of oral sex. It would be the only form of oral sex that really satisfies the person whose mouth is involved. It might be closer to oral masturbation, because there’s really only one person involved. I pick up a cereal bowl my sister must have left in her rush to school. The remaining Cheerios form a constellation. Milk drips over my fingers as I bring it to the sink. My little sister is turning twelve in a few days. She still can’t pronounce her “r’s” very well. She calls me ‘Wichawd’. Is twelve years old too old to still be doing that? Maybe. But now that I think about it, I remember a friend of mine speaking a bit like that in the seventh grade. I didn’t think it was a speech impediment, I thought it was an accent. He sounded almost Australian. So maybe that’s what kids think about my little sister. Maybe they think she’s Australian. Everyone loves a person with an accent. And besides, who’s to say there’s any difference between an accent and a speech impediment anyway? Isn’t that how all accents began? My thoughts are disrupted by the quick, passing chorus of a Dylan song. I look out the barred window above our rusty faucet. Outside, in the street, people move in cars and trucks and on foot. They are going places they are meant to be. Just the other day, I was reading an article in the lo-
cal newspaper, The Grunion Gazette, and one of the writers there 3rd was ranting about how loud music PLACE is these days. There was a small photo of him near the title of the article, and he didn’t look very old. He appeared to be about ten years younger than my father, which would have put his college years sometime in the eighties. As we all know, music wasn’t loud back then. Anyway, the guy delivered this profound sentence somewhere in the middle of the article that really caught my attention: “We live in an irresponsible time.” He thinks that we live in an irresponsible time. Could someone tell me when anyone, anywhere, at any point in the history of the human race, lived in a responsible time? And if there has never been a responsible time, I don’t think we can properly state that this time is irresponsible. But he probably didn’t mean half the things he said. He probably wrote that article the night before the deadline, and the idea happened upon him earlier in the afternoon when his wife yelled at his neighbors for playing their stereo too loud. He probably needed to write that article to make the mortgage payment. I suppose when your daughter needs lunch money and your wife is complaining that you never take her on dates anymore, your journalistic career, which started out as a way to help influence and change Long Beach, becomes just a way to pay the mortgage. You write that shit so that you can buy a gallon of orange juice on Monday. I move back to the table and take a sip.
–By Kyle Moreno
“It’s been ten years Dean. Do you remember? Do you remember what we had? Why did you leave?” Before Decker could respond Liz had her lipstick out, she twisted EXHIBITION the bottom exposing the red tip, applied it to her lips, and set the lipstick on the table. Five o’clock every morning the Swiss fisherman marches down Main street towards STORY She did this carefully, and with efficiency seldom seen in a woman. The two men sitthe ocean with his pail at his side and his rod against his shoulder, his patrol takes him ting against the brick wall noticed her movement, and the red tip of the lipstick standpast the coffee shop, and then directly to the pier. His tackle is in the water before the ing erect on the table drew their eyes. Decker did not fail to notice the signal and he seagulls wake up, and he’ll spend the whole morning cursing under his breath about felt betrayed. how the fish aren’t biting. “Why are you doing this?” Decker asked her, shifting his weight, ready for action, Every afternoon Mr. Decker watches the Swiss fisherman over his newspaper as he his eyes scanning the room as if he was watching a chain of firecrackers ignite. marches home, his pail heavy with fish. Decker always marvels at how content the fisherman “I needed the money.” seems, and how simple his life is. After all, Decker only wanted to be able to sit at the coffee An interesting phenomenon with guns is they are much louder in person than they are in shop and read the newspaper every day and now that he is able to he has become bored and the movies, and they sound differently too. However, the funny thing about Mr. Decker’s pistol restless; things used to be so exciting. The coffee shop Decker was sitting in had no name and was simply known as the coffee is it doesn’t make any sound at all; it had been carefully modified to do just that. So no one shop. Yet even without a name, the coffee shop was a landmark to the locals, and when mys- on Main street that day, not even Sable who was in the backroom sneaking a croissant, heard terious Mr. Decker started showing up there almost every day, people started to wonder. Who Mr. Decker jump from his chair and push Liz aside, while in the same movement drawing his was he? Decker was fairly young, maybe thirty, his clothes were always immaculate, and his pistol. The two strange men hardly had a chance and were dead before Liz’s cigarette could hit the hardwood floor. In the next instant he was in his Maserati, and before he sped off, he car, a Maserati, was more expensive than most of the houses off Main street. Today, there were four people in the coffee shop. There was Sable behind the counter who studied Liz’s face. Through the window he could see she was appalled by the suddenness of it loved watching Mr. Decker as he silently sipped his coffee and read his paper. There was Mr. all, and her eyes told him she wanted him back. The Swiss fisherman marched up the street cursing under his breath that he hadn’t caught Decker of course. And there were two strange men who were sitting on the opposite side of the anything that day. room from Mr. Decker against the brick wall. They looked rich, and they hunched over their table having a secret conversation they didn’t want anyone to hear. Suddenly, there was a silent shockwave through the coffee shop that only Mr. Decker felt. A fifth person stepped through the door and Decker forced his eyes away from the crossword and weakly met them with hers. “Hi Dean, it’s been a long time.” “Hello Liz, it’s been ten years.” Decker could not believe who he was talking to, yet he had never forgotten her. It was true that it had been ten years since he saw her last, he had been keeping track. She carefully walked to Decker’s table and with the grace of a predator sat down in front of him. Style had always been her strong point and she didn’t simply wear clothes, she kept a symbiotic relationship with them. Her every movement was a benefit to humanity. Decker was shaken, and even though he was as well put together as the next man, Liz’s arrival was unexpected; his stomach felt like it had a hundred little sharks in it, all nipping his innards in a wild nervous feeding frenzy. In spite of Mr. Decker’s nervousness the pair managed to have a pleasant conversation, which revolved around their college years when they had first met. Eventually the conversation converged into the present and the question Decker dreaded most finally passed through Liz’s lips. “So, what have you been doing lately? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that car outside. You seem to be doing very well for yourself,” Liz said as she removed a cigarette from its silver case, she did this with confidence. Decker watched and he mused that she had the kind of hands that could open a crinkly potato chip bag silently. Yet to think of Liz eating potato chips was humorous. “Do they let people smoke indoors in this country? In California they don’t let people smoke indoors. So Dean, what was it that you said you do?” Liz said this last sentence as if she knew the answer already, and it was this same sentence that made Decker realize the full weight of the pistol tucked neatly under his left arm. Decker lied: “I’ve gone into business for myself, as a consultant.” “Really?” Liz shotgunned him with smoke almost certainly on purpose. Decker was quite sure she was reading his mind. He wasn’t in business for himself, he worked for the government, and he was in this lonely seaside town because they were paying him no small sum because they were embarrassed of his existence. Liz carefully set her cigarette on the edge of the table and leaned forward to lay her hand on Decker’s left lapel. This sent an electric shock through Decker, and he was sure she felt the heel of his semiautomatic.
10 December 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
-By Andrew Wilson
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The Year’s Best Albums Tool Nokia Theatre Los Angeles
$45.50+
Doors at 8:15pm Monday, December 10th
Apparently, Tool’s self-proclaimed hatred for Los Angeles isn’t enough to stop them from playing the brand-spankingnew Nokia Theatre, right smack in the middle of downtown. Fans that were disappointed by the fairly banal setlist they utilized on their last tour might want to catch them this time around, in hopes of hearing one of their feel-good hits like “Hooker with a Penis.”
Moving Units The Echoplex Los Angeles
free
Doors at 8pm Thursday, December 13th
Not only are indie/dance/punk pioneers the Moving Units playing the ever-so-intimate Echoplex, but they’re doing it for free! Get your ass down there early, so that you don’t get caught behind a mass of silly haircuts and ill-fitting jeans. If you’re lucky, you’ll have just enough room to dance yourself silly to the grooving sounds of disco-infused hits like “Anyone.”
Great Northern Viper Room (21+) Los Angeles
$15
Doors TBD Monday, December 17th
Local heroes and critical darlings Great Northern will be bringing their two boy/girl dynamic to the Viper Room for an evening of what has been described as “billowing vocals” and “heartbreaking…love letters” by the likes of critical juggernauts such as LA Weekly and the Los Angeles Times, respectively. Just don’t forget your ID, kid.
According to Elitist Asshole Matt Dupree
According to Indie Cunt Sean Boulger
The Arcade Fire – Neon Bible This is the most exciting band in the world. They sound like old pros; with top-notch lyrics, expansive-buttasteful instrumentation, and soul-soaked delivery. The Arcade Fire continue to change the face of contemporary music and show no signs of slowing down. David Bowie loves ‘em. Springsteen loves ‘em. ‘Nuff said.
Radiohead – In Rainbows Coming as no surprise, Radiohead’s long-awaited new album is definitely my favorite of this year. Easily their most accessible album in the last decade, In Rainbows is a delicate, sparse, and surprising work from one of the best bands in the world. Not since OK Computer has Radiohead turned out an album as beautiful and listenable as this one. Instant motherfucking classic.
Noisettes – What’s The Time Mr. Wolf? It’s blues, it’s punk; it kicks and it wails. If you’ve been looking for something to cleanse your punk palate of the angsty swill in which it’s been awash since the 80s, look no further than the Noisettes. Singer Shingai Shoniwa, with her explosive voice, wild fashion and dynamic stage presence, easily wins my award for coolest performer of the year. Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank The day I write a top ten list without Modest Mouse on it, shoot me. Isaac Brock and Johnny Marr have created a beastly cobra of an album that is both immediately catchy and endlessly repeatable. Expectations are always high for Modest Mouse, and this album does not disappoint. Ever. !!! – Myth Takes Despite the unGoogle-able nature of their name, !!! makes the most gripping and danceable songs around. Call it dance-punk if you must, but make no mistake: their irresistible hip-shaker anthems are beyond any futile definition. St. Vincent – Marry Me This is the shot in the arm that the singer/songwriter genre has needed for quite some time. St. Vincent (née Annie Clark) is subversive and powerful but maintains an understated elegance and beauty. And her tendency to shatter the tranquil moments of the album with hailstorms of very unladylike guitar just makes me love her that much more. Annie, darling, you’re beautiful. Call me. Radiohead - In Rainbows I purposefully avoided delving into this album simply because I didn’t want to ruin it by not devoting myself to it fully. I still haven’t managed to immerse myself in it, but one listen to “15 Step” cemented their placement in this list. You can always count on Radiohead to be fixed atop any “Best Of ” list which they’re qualified for. Justice – † Mixing equal parts Michael Jackson, Chemical Brothers, and P-Funk, Justice is at the forefront of the Paris-centric Electro House movement as well as the hippest kids around, Ed Banger records. It’s just too bad “D.A.N.C.E.” was overplayed into oblivion. Queens Of The Stone Age – Era Vulgaris In the massive genre-branching that has occurred over the past 25 years, the term “Hard Rock” was largely abandoned. But that’s exactly what this album is. It’s hard, it rocks, and it has a song called “(I Wanna) Make It Wit Chu,” what else could you need?
Cheap Trick Galaxy Theatre Santa Ana
$78
Doors at 6pm Thursday, December 18th
Want to see a show at the Galaxy Theatre in Santa Ana for damn near eighty dollars?! Well holy shit, you can! Cheap Trick is prepared to rock your face, provided that you’re ready to bust out your wallet and lay down some fatty cash to see them in a venue that’s only slightly smaller than your high school auditorium.
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The National – Boxer The days of putting up with shitty vocals are over, and thank God for that. The National combines an excellent sense of composition with the graceful, masculine vocals of Matt Berninger. CocoRosie – The Adventures of Ghosthorse & Stillborn For those who like their music eccentric without sacrificing sweetness, CocoRosie is golden. The sisters Casady may have a seriously iconoclastic bent, but the beauty of their voices and the offbeat narratives to which they employ them are unquestionable.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Battles – Mirrored Who knew math rock could be so much fun? Heavilyprocessed vocals, thick beats, and a wall of contorted guitars dancing with double-jointed keyboards form a challenging, yet easily accepted net of sound that is a toe-tapping delight straight out of left field. Patrick Wolf – Magic Position A delicate balance between energy and thoughtfulness, playfulness and emotion, the electronic and symphonic, Magic Position is nothing short of a sonic wonder. Rich arrangements and exuberant melodies create a rich, beautiful album that is an absolute joy. Pinback – Autumn of the Seraphs San Diego duo Rob Crow and Zach Smith are back with another album of intricate instrumentation and songs about Star Wars. Autumn of the Seraphs may not be Pinback’s best album, but it’s definitely one the best albums I listened to this year, and that’s saying something. St. Vincent – Marry Me An album that never fails to impress me with its adventurousness, Marry Me showcases an inventive, exciting new talent that I hope will be around for several more years. Songstress Annie Clark’s debut album showcases not only her talent for exquisite songwriting, but also spotlights arrangements that are nothing short of fantastic. Iron & Wine – The Shepherd’s Dog A further departure from the lo-fi days of his first releases, The Shepherd’s Dog finds Sam Beam at his most experimental—and his most innovative. With influences ranging from Africa to the deep South, Iron & Wine’s newest album is an infectious work of art that further highlights Beam’s beautiful and nostalgic songwriting. Justice – † Yet another French band that makes everybody fucking boogie, Justice have put out the best dance album since Daft Punk’s Discovery. Justice’s long-awaited debut album seamlessly blends electronics with funk; crunchy bass mixes with frenetic disco string arrangements, and the results are a dance party waiting to happen. Do Make Say Think – You, You’re a History in Rust Maybe it’s because my experiences with post-rock are still quite fresh, but this is one of the most easily accessible post-rock albums I’ve ever listened to. Avoiding the nearpretension that usually comes with the territory, Do Make Say Think have made an album of enjoyable post-rock. Menomena – Friend and Foe Crafting a tapestry of sonic textures that is as dense as it is rewarding, Menomena is a band that deserves every bit of the attention they’ve been getting this year. I’ve never seen a band as accomplished as these guys take themselves less seriously, and as a result, everything about them is fantastic. Patton Oswalt – Werewolves and Lollipops I know, I know, it’s not music…but Patton Oswalt is fucking funny. There’s no two ways about it, this is one of my favorite things to listen to right now. Whether he’s ranting about the insanity of the KFC Famous Bowl, or explaining why you should only be allowed to have twenty birthdays, Patton Oswalt makes me laugh out loud every time I listen to him. LOLZ!!1
10 December 2007
Silverchair in the Hotseat!
The Union Weekly sits down with Silverchair lead singer Daniel Johns for an interview. Enjoy! Union Weekly: Let’s talk about the new album. How was the recording process, how was it different from the other albums? Daniel Johns: We’re really happy with the record. It was a long time coming, and I think musically there’s a lot different from anything we’ve done before. Also, the way we went about making it was completely different from anything we’ve done before. After I had written the songs, we moved into the Hunter Valley [in New South Wales, Australia], and lived together for a while, rehearsed, and ate food…got familiar with the songs. It took about two months to make and finish recording, and there’s about three years’ worth of songs on there; it was pretty expensive. UW: I read somewhere that this was originally going to be a solo album, but you decided against it. What brought that about? DJ: Well I had all the songs written, and I didn’t know what they were going to be for, but I knew I was happy with them.
come to affect the writing process for Young Modern? DJ: A lot of the songs that I wrote for the record were written right after recording and touring with the Dissociatives, so I had a lot of that kind of head space in my subconscious. There’s stuff that sounds like nothing I’ve ever written before, there’s stuff that has that kind of grandeur that Diorama had, and there’s psychedelic moments that could be attributed to some of the work with the Dissociatives. So yeah, I think that’s one of the reasons we wanted to get Paul to play on the record. He’s got a really great feel as a keyboardist and a really great sound, he’s a great sounding board for me when I’ve got ideas, and he’s got great ideas as well. It just seemed to work.
After the tsunami, we played a benefit show; we hadn’t really played together for about three or four years, and we all really enjoyed playing together for that hour. After the show, I went to the guys and asked them if they wanted to do another Silverchair record, and I showed them the songs. They really loved the songs, and we just got everyone that was a friend or that we felt was a really good musician, went over to LA, and started making the record. UW: How would you say that your work with Paul Mac and the Dissociatives, as well as his presence in the studio changed things? And were the other guys receptive to your bringing him in? DJ: Yeah. I mean, I told Dan and Chris [the other members of Silverchair] that I wanted Paul to play keys on the record, which wasn’t a shock to them, because Paul played keys on Diorama, before Young Modern. They were really receptive to it. We’re all friends, and I really enjoy working with Paul. UW: With the Dissociatives, you had a chance to do some stuff that was a lot more different, and experimental. How did that
UW: Do you have any kind of timeframe for the new Dissociatives record? DJ: I’m not 100% sure. We’re pretty much touring next year, as well. Maybe the end of next year, or the start of the year after? We’re writing stuff at the moment…we really don’t want to record and write on the road and then release it. We want to have some time in the studio, where you can just live and breathe it for a while. UW: Do you guys write on the road, constantly kicking around ideas? DJ: Well Paul’s brought around like a small studio kind of thing…like a laptop and a microphone, with some synth sounds and stuff. When we get bored, we sit down and jam on stuff and see if we get any good ideas. We tend to not really write with guitars and pianos for the new Dissociatives stuff, because we don’t have access to it. It’s all through computers; it’s a completely different process from how we would write a Silverchair record. We want to build up a whole catalogue of albums that sound completely different from one another. They should almost sound like a completely different band with each record, which is kind of what we’ve always tried to do with Silverchair, anyway. It’s more fun if you keep people guessing. - Interview By Sean Boulger
Daily Specials
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140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 10 December 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Reel News Juno
PG-13 Fox Searchlight Pictures
Margot See It Now! Review of Margot at the Wedding By Leah McKissock
S
o I’m sure you’re all wondering if the Nicole Kidman flick of the week Margot at the Wedding sucks or not. Well the truth is, it’s not as simple as that, because as the film proves, our lives are much more intricate than most films give them credit for. Margot (Nicole Kidman) and her son Claude are going to attend the wedding of her sister Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and her fiancé Malcolm (Jack Black), who she’s only known for a year. Quickly after Margot arrives, family secrets begin to get told, always with the request that they not tell someone else in the family. The more everyone tells and keeps secrets or manipulates information, the more the emotions and the truth arise from each character. Soon all the plans of the wedding begin to get destroyed creating a tug of war with characters pushing and pulling each other emotionally. Eventually you notice that the more these people act like they don’t care about each other, the more they show deep down that they do. Margot is written and directed by the ingenious Noah Baumbach, most widely accredited for his last masterpiece (also about a dysfunctional family) The Squid and The Whale, which got an Academy Award nomination for Best Original Screenplay in 2005. He is also known in the film industry as a
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sidekick to the equally original filmmaker Wes Anderson, who co-wrote the quirky underground instant cult classic The Life Aquatic. After having seen a few of his films now, I am beginning to notice a pattern. Every film that he writes and directs by himself always seems to have a lead character that’s a writer, which makes sense because obviously the film was written by a writer and Baumbach makes his films very autobiographical—thus leading to the creation of some of the most true-tolife characters seen in modern cinema. Baumbach once said, “I always viewed life as material for a movie.” Although he has long established himself as a successful director, the trail of recognition that is just now beginning to follow Noah Baumbach, is obviously due to his inconceivable writing ability. In Margot at the Wedding for example, he simply uses a house in the middle of Vermont and a handful of actors, yet he creates this realistic comedic drama that held my attention so immensely, that it only makes me wonder if a good film really ever needs anything else. With countless Blockbusters spilling into
Yeah it’s limited release but you’d be crazy not to go wherever you can to see this film. When teenager Juno (Ellen Page) gets pregnant by her goofy headband-wearing short shorts wearing best friend (Michael Cera), she decides to go through the pregnancy to give the child to a family in need. From the director of Thank You For Smoking, Jason Reitman, this is the sharpwitted type of comedy that I wish there were more of.
I Am Legend
PG-13 Warner Bros. Pictures
Photo Courtesy of Paramount Vantage
theaters every week, it is incredibly refreshing to see an entertaining film that doesn’t need to rely on brainless car chases, explosions, shoot-outs, and sound effects just to keep their audience entertained. The film explores not only Margot and Pauline’s relationship as sisters, but also the relationship between them and their father, their husbands, and each of their children. After seeing almost every character in the film laugh, scream, and cry (even Jack Black who gives the best performance of his career), they all appear completely crazy, yet I couldn’t help but realize that these characters perfectly depict everyone I’ve ever known. This is what makes Margot at the Wedding such a unique gem. The movie is so good that even if I try to analyze every aspect of the film, Noah Baumbach’s ability to capture life ends up making me analyze my own life instead.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
As if we haven’t seen Will Smith as an action hero beating off aliens, robots, or in this case vampires enough fucking times already! You can waste your money and see this or you can just rent 28 Days Later which pretty much has the same plot, or any other Will Smith action film for cheaper.
Alvin and the Chipmunks PG 20th Century Fox Animation
I’m sure nothing haunts you more about the holiday season than those high pitched voices of Alvin and the Chipmunks. If you didn’t get enough of the singing trio on the 1980s TV show, don’t you worry ‘cause as long as people keep paying to see unoriginal family flicks like these, you’ll see this idea come to theaters again.
10 December 2007
[Thank/Fuck You] Coffee Blue Jeans Cute Dogs Coen Brothers Hunter S. Pornography 2 girls F. King Trapper The District Union Hobo Couch Subway Bicycles Chartroom Thursday Tie Day Jameson American Sundays Drink Specials 49er (for the laughs) Niall Adler and Roger Kirk Soulja Boy Mario Union Radio When in Rome Robert Frost Our Advertisers Basement Jaxx Andrew Wilson Brain Cigarettes
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his year, we suggest a radical re-evaluation of the entire Christmas concept (hats off to all of you Chanukah and Kwanzaa adherents, you’re way ahead of the curve). Not because we believe, as so many do, that Christmas has lost its magic in the materialistic world of the twenty-first century; We just think the whole bit was fucking ridiculous from the get-go. We’re not sure exactly how Jesus would prefer His birth be celebrated, but it’s fair to say that the current melding of winter solstice bacchanalia and eggnogsoaked bankruptcy is probably not His first choice. So instead of throwing on that baffling sweater and hanging parasitic plants from the entryway, try a Union Christmas this year. Actually, scratch that, keep the sweater.
Gifts
Why, oh why does it have to be the thought that counts? That’s the part that takes the most effort! It seems almost cruel that the measure of a gift’s worth is how much time and effort you spent agonizing about what to get. Now, if it were up to us, gift-giving could be as simple as a note promising our significant others that we’ll stop bugging them about toe-sucking, but it’s not (and come on, it’s just a toe!). So if you find yourself at a loss for what to give someone this year, try this trick: make it yourself. If you’ve actually created any part of your gift, chances are the person will assume it’s heartfelt. And even if they loathe it in every imaginable way, by the Thought-that-counts rule it is still a great gift. And honestly, if they’re that hung up on gifts they probably deserve whatever half-assed piece of hobbycraft you coughed up for them.
10 December 2007
Mustaches Touch of Romance Ads Our Ivory Tower Massive 49er Debt Spooning The Greatest Wound Knee Holes Cheap Beer Snobby Beer Outdoor Maintenance Crew The Locklins Phaser 7400N Oral Sex Ryan Gosling Freshman Girls Keggers Isaac Brock Air Instruments Josh Homme Mr. Kleen Baked Goods Contributors O’ The Week Project Runway Tracy Morgan Maxine Nightingale Bukowski Gynicures Dinosaurs
A Hard Days Night Hangovers 1 Cup ASI Server Daylight Savings Tie-Dye Rent Anonymous Internet Cowards Bridges Darren and Steven’s House I Am ASI Chalupas Subway Steiner Our View AMPTP Fires Old People In-Office Hookups Cigarettes Pretentious Coffee Rudy Giuliani Mustaches Point/Counter-Point Celibacy Cart Stealers Communicable Disease Eye Hairs Pig Destroyer
Grey Hairs Union Guides Frozen Beer Silver Lake Dirty Fuckers The Wiltern Non-Embedding Fonts Cock-Blocks Serious Talks Being Single Baby Balls Bonch Comas Vince’s Haircut Celibacy Viral Marketing Politicians Ellen Degeneres and Carson Daly Family Guy FOX News Guitar Hero III Addiction Pregnancy Yogurt Cups Science Aunt May John O’Hurley The Rapist Sign-Carrying Bigots
HAVE A VERY UNION CHRISTMAS Clothing
Rule #1: No Santa Hats. Rule #2: If the sweater looks decent enough to wear at any other time of the year, it does not belong on your body. If you need help finding proper sweaters, review old episodes of the Cosby show. Bill mastered the art of obnoxious sweaters and the holidays are the perfect time to pay homage to these hideous machinations of miscolored wooly warmth. And since you’ll probably never wear these sweaters ever again, you don’t have to worry about partying too hard and ruining it. In fact, you might even go out with the expressed intention of ruining it. For office holiday parties, it’s best to overcompensate on the formal side. That should balance out the staggering and slurring that the night will descend into. It’s also the only opportunity you will EVER have to wear a Christmas-themed tie. For the ladies, Christmas attire need not be enticing. There is very little that is sexy about Christmas, and even the best of intentions will not make a sexy elf, sexy Santa, sexy reindeer, sexy snow princess or sexy menorah costume anything more than fleeting novelty. Throw on a shitty sweater with the rest of us and let the noggoggles make you look attractive.
Food
In order for it to be a proper holiday, a certain amount of overeating is required. It’s just holiday law, and the Union would never advocate breaking that law (nor would we advocate moderation). Unfortunately, most people make the entirely uninspired choice of ham as the central dish of their feast. Do not make this mistake. Dining during holidays should be full of flavor, variety, and a fair amount of danger. Our initial suggestion would be traditional Mexican dishes based around carne asada with plenty of peppers, but feel free to choose something yourself. Curry would be a great idea if you can find a willing crowd, but don’t feel obliged to go overboard. This is a gastronomical journey, and while you shouldn’t expect everyone to last, it doesn’t need to be a suicide mission.
Booze & Cheer When you put the words “Union” and “Holiday” in a sentence, Alcohol is irreversibly implied. Think of it as a companion, an enabler of holiday cheer. Caroling is fun, but caroling while sloppy drunk makes for Christmas memories (spotty as they may be). It’s official policy to always have at least one sober person around; partially in a driver capacity, but also to prevent you from attempting to eat the Christmas tree and/or lights when the time comes (and believe me when I say that time WILL come). We also advise having someone more intoxicated than you at all times, so any stories of your poor behavior will be out-
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
By Matt Dupree
stripped by theirs. It may not seem like a big deal at the time, but you’ll be glad you did when you find your digital camera the next morning. In honor of the holiday, upgrade your drink preferences. More specifically, encourage your friends to upgrade their drinking preferences and then swig their stuff while they’re not looking. This is in the booze category, but I figured as a service to the fine men and women who bear the designated driver burden we’ll give this a proper section. No Christmas would be complete without something to show you’ve got holiday cheer. And none of that mallrats-and-tinsel bullshit, we’re talking true appreciation for a season that rewards overeating and nog-bingeing with presents and sparkling lights. Go out and carol for your neighbors, but do it in the style of your favorite self-destructive rockstar. Who wouldn’t want to hear the Janis Joplin version of Little Drummer Boy? Or the Van Morrison (or Jim, the difference is minimal) rendition of “Silent Night?” Barring more creative ways of showing polite society that your rebellion is not without cause, you can always donate to a charity. It’s simple and the sense of superiority you feel won’t have that usually hollow ring to it. Even without all of the bullshit that goes along with it, Christmas can still be a special and meaningful season as long as you don’t keep the focus on yourself. And after all of that holiday immoderation, you’ll probably want to keep as far away from yourself
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Creative Arts: By Matt Dupree
I.
It’s funny how simple everything is at night, like youth, when we knew where the sun slept and didn’t worry about the consequences or driving too fast or getting pregnant we just rolled the radio dials over in our fingers until we found Springsteen none of it mattered because everything we did was working toward that grand plan and it was romantic as hell even if we barely knew it and life was like freeway driving and rock’ n’ roll songs and movie comedies. It didn’t matter how many awful jobs we had to work so long as we could sit on the shore and see the moon’s reflection in that big black mirror.
III.
And now when the children ask us for wisdom, we release them to the freeways even though we can’t see the ocean anymore for the jellyfish, the sunshine for the skin cancer, the night sky for it’s darkness. we wake up cursing and praying that they’ll look across the horizon and find the answers we never could. Find themselves, happy and strong, the way we always saw them.
14
II.
Our first son was born at midnight. Waiting for the doctor felt like the hardest thing I’d ever do. The thunderstorms outside thumped fast and quaking with my heartbeat, and we cried for joy and for uncertainty and we wouldn’t say a thing. We just held his fingers and thanked Heaven for that grand plan. And maybe it wasn’t romantic but it was beautiful. It didn’t matter how many sleepless nights we’d have to endure so long as we could lean over and stare into those deep green eyes, still seeing everything for the first time.
IV.
Waking up every morning in our bed together is all that remains of the routines we built together over these beautiful years and we know somewhere in that ocean of night sky a great black wave sweeps forward to put out the fire we started so many years ago on overgrown highways, to wash us away. And we don’t worry about the future, or the grand plan, just that some form of luck keeps us together in the end, and lets us watch over them after we’ve gone.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
10 December 2007
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
[Comics]
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
Across
Crayon Box by David Faulk
www.crayonbox.transplantcomics.com
1- At that time 5- Web locale 9- Garden pest 13- Lofty nest 15- Manipulator 16- First-class 17- Agent 18- Remain 19- Mongrel dog 20- Distress signal 21- Long fish 23- Nearsightedness 25- Apex, pinnacle 26- Fuel oil 27- Revulsion 30- 7th letter of the Greek alphabet 31- Remove a covering 32- Proves beyond doubt 37- Gnarl 38- Impassive 40- Mature male European red deer 41- Prestigious 43- Spree 44- Extinct flightless bird 45- A place of destruction 47- Elder 50- Having a sound mind
51- Prance 52- Having flu symptoms 53- Foul 56- Regretted 57- Possess 59- Become less intense, die off 61- Skin disorder 62- English public school 63- Influential person 64- Untidy condition 65- Salamander 66- Engrossed
Down 1- Knocks lightly 2- Illustrious warrior 3- Greek god of love 4- Void 5- Sublease 6- Egyptian goddess of fertility 7- A Kennedy 8- Like a recluse 9- Aegean island 10- Jeweler’s tool 11- Pending 12- “___ grip!” 14- Device for applying eyewash
22- The middle of summer? 24- Bring forth young 25- Playing marble 26- Where heroes are made 27- Ellington, e.g. 28- Hostelries 29- Nae sayer? 32- Atlantic food fish 33- Reproach 34- Clock pointer 35- Therefore 36- Type of gun 38- Make smooth 39- Rip 42- Islamic chieftain 43- East Indian fig tree 45- Upward slope 46- Exclamation of contempt 47- Gravy, for one 48- Levels 49- Swellings 51- Stuff 52- Acknowledge 53- Small yeast cake 54- Riding 55- It’s owed 58- Consumed 60- Place for ordering alcoholic drinks!
Sad Truth Comic by Kilometers LeStudd Koo-Koo & Luke by Jesse Blake
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
Comics? Fuck Yeah! Send them to editor Victor Camba: yourestuckhere@gmail.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a Girly-Girl by Christopher Troutman
10 December 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
15
VOLUME 61
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
Obama Propositions Power Threesome
Gary Busey Wanders Into Shopping Mall
FALL 07 STOLE MY BABY
See Sad Santa page 8
Headlines
Man Wishes Conversations With Women Were As Comfortable As His Shirt
2 Girls, 6 Boobs: Paul “Paolo” Grino teaches area hussies how to do cleavage.
Area Raccoon Cast in Baldwin Family Biopic
Heroes Producers Announce All Cambodian-Written Scripts Will End With Main Characters Providing Food, Medicine to Cambodians By Sophisticated Grizzly Bear GRUNION MAMMARY GLAND HOLLYWOOD, CA - It’s been weeks since the Writer’s Guild of America began their strike, refusing to write anything for Hollywood until each studio agreed to pay them what they deserve in residuals. Many expected the strike to drag on like it has, but what no one expected was what the studios would do if the writer’s refused to work when December rolled around. In an attempt to keep their hit television show, Heroes, going, NBC has opted to outsource the task of writing the show to Cambodian factory workers. “It’s as simple as labor vs. cost,” says NBC executive Jeremy Lafay. “The people of South Asia are an untapped resource! America has yet to see what the minds of Cambodians are capable of and I think this is a wonderful opportunity for us to broaden the horizons of our imaginations. The day of the American writer is done.” Whether or not American writers are completely tapped of ideas, the Cambo-
dian factory workers do offer American audiences a different take on a show that’s gotten worn out after only one season. Scripts for the new episodes have already come flooding in to the NBC studios and they look to be a big change from what audiences have seen in the show’s past. The first episode of the next season will see the heroes making there way to none other than Cambodia itself, bringing with them crates filled with food along with medical supplies, and the most frequently seen item in the script, AIDS medication. Plot twists such as this result in the filming locations of the show to be forced to accommodate the scripts, thus bringing the show to Cambodia itself. After filming began, scripts then quickly changed to have actresses Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter scantily clad, sticking to a strict wardrobe of fishnet stockings and bustieres. All male characters were immediately written out of the show, and each scene was written to take place outside and in public in front of large groups of Cambodians, specifically with the factory workers featured in the front of the crowd. “It’s bullshit. These Cambodian fucks just write to cater to themselves!” said a mildly racist Milo Ventimiglia.
By Tangerine Balls GRUNION JEW #2
Source: Senator Johnson’s Boots Were Made for Walking
See BaRock My Cock page 13
WGA Strike Leads to Outsourcing of Jobs to Cambodia
Community Crestfallen by Outing of False Psychic
Monsters Baldwin: Steven, Daniel, various squirrels to play bit parts in the McG directed popcorn porn.
ISSUE 14
FRESNO, CA – A Local psychic who goes by the name of Sir Guggenheim has been found guilty of fraud after being in business for over 10 years. Gregory Thomas who first suspected the psychic of not actually being able to look into the future says that he was tipped off when the psychic told him that the world would be ending within the week during every one of the first thirty-two sessions. Many of Guggenheim’s regular customers were outraged by the accusations such as Joseph Riley who testified that the psychic was able to accurately predict that he would brush his teeth again as well as successfully predicting that he would get shot just moments before attempting to shoot him. It was a difficult case to break since nobody in the court knew exactly what it would mean exactly to look into the future; the U.S. judicial code has strictly prohibited any member of the judicial system to even attempt to look into the future ever since the release of the film Minority Report.
Milove You Long Time: Milo Ventimiglia (center) shows support of new writing staff with photo-op.
Not commenting on the apparent lack of superpowers being used despite the subject matter of the show, NBC remains jazzed about the direction in which these new writers have taken their primetime show and are strongly considering leaving the task of writing other fan favorite shows in the hands of these outsourced factory working hands. Although Lafay had this to add, “I’m personally excited to hear Hayden Panettiere speak some of that golden Cambodian written dialogue. We’re pretty much going to be the only thing new to watch on Monday nights this Spring, so you can either watch a brand new episode of Heroes written by starving Cambodians or a rerun of Two and Half Men.”
Alexander, ASI Involved in Money Laundry Program By “Our View” GRUNION BANE TRAIN My underwear is dirty. My underwear is dirty because I don’t have the money to go to some fancy laundromat and clean them; but guess who can? That’s right, F. King Alexander and every single one of your worthless ASI Senators. Since June 8 of this year it is estimated that nearly $22 each month from your student fees have gone directly to cleaning other people’s underwear and pimp suits. Don’t think this is common, because it’s not. Cal State Long Beach is the only university out of the five that I called who use student fees to support money laundering, so you can believe everything I say.
Sir Guggeneim (above) gives a bad name to veritable psychics the world over.
There were no real breaks in the case until April when a search warrant yielded proof that Guggenheim was in the process of authoring a book entitled How to Act Like a Psychic in Order to Take Money From People: A Book on Fraud and How I am Committing It. Guggenheim has been sentenced to 2 weeks in state prison, 3 months in county jail, 3 days in space jail, 5 weeks in labor camp and 4 months in labor. He has been disbarred from the International Society of Totally Legitimate Psychics and was also ordered to turn in his crystal ball, tarot cards, totem animal, and muse stones.
Recipients, Extra Spin Cycles
Initially the answers didn’t come. When I asked ASI the names of each member receiving funds to clean their unmentionables they weren’t so forthcoming, even when I dropped the name of some fancy law I just learned in Journalism 430. “First off I think you are confused,” wrote President F. King Alexander in a very condescending tone, very similar to the way he responded when I asked him to impose a student fee without consent from the students that would give us $120,000 without anyone ever knowing. “We get a few bucks each week to dry clean a single suit. But this money has nothing to do with money laundering. Do you even know what money laundering is?” No King I don’t. But do you think the students should pay for you and your criminal cronies to get rich? I can hear the students now, “No way Jose.” Making things even worse, some ASI representatives have been caught doing more than one spin cycle as well as money laundering out of the 565 area code; some even as far as Chino Hills. “I live in Chino Hills,” responded one ASI representative who wished to stay anonymous (hint hint Mark Andrews). “So I kind of have to do my laundry there, it’s more cost effective. And could you please stop telling people I have a leather couch in my office; it’s pleather for God’s sake.”
Disclaimer: The Grunion is now more than 3 decades old, and we have only become more debonair with age. But there is one thing that has not changed in our epic, occasionally violent history: We still are neither ASI nor GOP. The views and opinions explicitly stated or alluded to on this page still do not represent the views and opinions of the CSULB campus, nor do they necessarily adhere to the moral fabric of the writers. We do this to secure the cheap seats in the deeper, more satirical bowels of Hell, and because the elephant in the room is becoming a bit of a sass-mouth. Send rags to earlgrey@lbunion.com. This is the way the year ends, not with a bang but a meh.