[Issue 62.2] “Anarchists know that a long period of education must precede any great fundamental change in society, hence they do not believe in vote begging, nor political campaigns, but rather in the development of self-thinking individuals.” - Lucy Parsons
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t this time last year this campus was buzzing. Returning from winter break, CSULB found itself consumed by 49er sports fever, especially with our basketball team. We were winning, something most students had never before felt the excitement of. Our boys were running up the score on the best teams in the Big West. We cheered, “This is our house!” after dominating Cal State Fullerton in their arena, and even though we didn’t know it yet, we were on the verge of an NCAA tournament birth! My how things have changed in a year. I won’t rub it in, or dwell on things like records or statistics, but things have gone sour in the pyramid, and quick. For a split second a few months ago it looked as if the basketball team was poised to make the necessary improvements, they were learning to play together and Monson was living up to the hype; or so it seemed. The Union Weekly isn’t going to point the finger at one single person (cough cough Larry Reynolds) or one reason why our team has taken a nosedive the proportions of the Titanic’s, but on page five Ryan ZumMallen (49er b-ball optimist and realist) tries to identify exactly how our two basketball programs have fallen this far. But lucky for us basketball isn’t the only sport being played on this campus right now. Let’s face it people, CSULB isn’t exactly know for our b-ball programs. We are known for our volleyball programs though, and they certainly aren’t disappointing. As I write this, our boys are a perfect 8-0, and ranked number three in the country! Allow me to repeat that for you, NUMBER THREE IN THE COUNTRY! No matter how good our basketball team was last season, no one in their right mind ever believed they had a chance at winning a national championship. But this season our volleyball team is brought up in every national champion contender conversation without a doubt. These guys are good. Really good.
So here it is, we say it’s time to jump on the bandwagon. It was eerily similar to last season’s b-ball squad seeing our volleyball team jump into the stands smiling ear to ear after beating a highly ranked Pepperdine team. We are totally fine with you saying you’re a fan even if you don’t know a single players name, just show up to the games, cheer really loud, and we’ll call it even. Don’t judge me for putting sports before politics but that’s just how I was raised. Vincent Girimonte (Union News Director) decided to see how our campus felt about the upcoming Super Tuesday primaries. Vince spent the entire week getting a couple hundred students to explain whom, why, and how they were planning on voting this week (page 8). After all the surveys were tabulated the results weren’t very shocking. It seems Obama is gaining ground on the college campus, but what interested me more than that were people’s responses as to why Barack is their choice for our next president. If you’re like me you still have no idea who you’re voting for. For the first time in my life I don’t know where I stand politically and it’s driving me nuts. In possibly the most important election in decades, I can’t seem to connect with any of the possible candidates. I’ve seen debates and interviews, I’ve listened to friends try and convince me that the Ron Paul Revolution is the clear choice for me, and I’ve had friends tell me to vote for anyone but Obama or that a vote for Hilary is a vote against freedom and progress. All I know is that I’m still really bummed I won’t have the opportunity to cast a vote for Colbert. If nothing else, we hope that the survey and its results will spark some kind of emotion in you. And more importantly, we hope this weeks feature gives you enough motivation to go out and have your voice heard –Ryan Kobane on Tuesday. Editor-In-Chief
Ryan Kobane Editor-In-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Mike Pallotta Associate Editor Matt Dupree Associate Editor Ryan Kobane Business Manager Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Opinions Editor Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Michaël Veremans Random Reviews Editor Earl Grey Grunion Editor Erin Hickey Literature Editor & PR Mike Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director Steven Carey Art Director Erin Hickey Matt Dupree Mike Pallotta Copy Editors Ryan Kobane Advertising Representative Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver
ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com
vince@lbunion.com kathy@lbunion.com zummy@lbunion.com victor@lbunion.com reinman@lbunion.com
scarf@lbunion.com earlgrey@lbunion.com
erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com
steven@lbunion.com
sales@lbunion.com science@lbunion.com
Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Vincent Girimonte Off-Campus Distribution Darren Davis, Miles Lemaire, Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Christine Hodinh, Jesse Blake, Derek Crossley, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Cynthia Romanowski, James Kislingbury, Philip Vargas, Rachel Rufrano, David Faulk, Paul Hovland, Katrina Sawhney, Allan Steiner, Brandi Perez, Sergio Ascencio, Tessah Schoenrock, Ken C., Ryan Waterson, Joseph Bryant, Brian Newhard, David Wrathall, Mark Andrews.
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone 562.985.4867 Fax 562.985.5684 E-mail info@lbunion.com Web www.lbunion.com
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
4 February 2008
Opinions
This is a Ron Paul Revolution
Patriot Act, the Real ID Act, and the Military Commissions Act. Most importantly, he Contributor wants to end US imperialism by removing The revolution will not be televised, but our troops from Iraq, Afghanistan, and it will be on YouTube. Ron Paul revolution everywhere overseas! is rampant on the internet. He has 121,590 To understand the rest of Ron Paul’s friends on Myspace, 47,144 subscribers on policies, we have to quickly look at the rapid YouTube, and 18,386 friends on Digg.com. expansion of federal government, especially Meetup.com has had the most influence on in the last century: FBI (1908), CIA (1947), bringing in his supporters from the internet NSA (1952), IRS (1953), federal war on to the streets. So what is with all the internet drugs (1970), DEA (1973), Department of hype about this republican? That’s right, Education (1980), Department of Homeland republican. In these times, when Security (2002), National ID Cards the Bush administration has (supposed to be 2008, but destroyed any credibility congress pushed it till 2009). in the Republican Party, I left out the Federal most will turn to the Reserve, formed in 1913, democrats as if they because it is not a federal will save the country. agency, but a private In doing so most have bank with a federal missed a rare jewel name. named Ron Paul. Ron Paul is a strict Ron Paul has been a constitutionalist and congressman for nearly is an adamant supporter twenty years and ran of state rights. This goes for President with back to the concept of the Libertarian checks and balances. party back in If one state gets 1988. He has corrupt, you can been against move to another the Iraq war to escape the since before laws of that it started. particular state. He voted This is why it is Illustration By Andrew Wilson against the important to have
By David Wrathall
equal state’s rights, versus the overarching power of the federal government. According to the constitution, the federal government is supposed to coin money, and regulate the value thereof. Since the passage of the Federal Reserve Act in 1913, these powers have been given to an independent banking cartel named the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul wants to abolish the Federal Reserve, IRS, and end the illegal federal income tax. He will replace our worthless paper money with sound money backed by a gold standard. He also wants to abolish the CIA, Department of Education, Department of Homeland Security, and “rein in” the FBI to its legitimate functions. He also wants to end the war on drugs, which has effectively turned the US into a police state turning the government against its own citizens (half of the prison population is drug related offenses). Ron Paul is a strong advocate in personal liberties granted by the constitution, which President Bush has been openly butchering. We have been overrun by the federal government too long, and he wants to grant those powers back to where they belong: the people. Our founding fathers knew tyranny too well and shaped our country specifically for smaller government in the hands of the people and the states as stated in the ninth and tenth amendments. The Ron Paul Revolution is summed up in one word…freedom!
ASI President Votes No on Prop 92 By Mark Andrews ASI President Last week, the Daily 49er wrote an article advocating a proposition appearing on the February 5th ballot. I am writing to the students because I’m concerned that the Daily 49er does not have a grasp on the complexity of Proposition 92, and would therefore be misinforming students. Prop 92 would alter the State of California’s constitution to guarantee funding for the California Community Colleges. While this seems good for the students of community colleges, this proposition does not secure funding for the CSUs and would cause Long Beach State and every other public university to scramble for the leftovers of the state’s general fund.
This would result in further cuts to the California State University budget and create higher student fees. Along with the Daily 49er’s endorsement of Prop 92 last week, they also criticized student representatives for not speaking at the CSU Board of Trustees meeting two weeks ago. What the Daily 49er failed to realize was that no decisions were made by the board concerning the CSU budget. The meeting where they will decide the budget will be in March, and I encourage any student to join me at the Chancellor’s office where the voice of CSULB will be heard. As February 5th approaches, please consider how Prop 92 will affect you. The State of California is already considering raising student fees, please don’t pass a proposition that would force them to increase.
A Dynamic, Democratic Duo By Katrina Sawhney Union Staffer I would love to see the next President be a woman. I would also love to see the first African American president elected this year. That said, I don’t think the world is ready for either one. On the Obama front, it’s undeniable, he’s a glib speaker with a Kennedy-esque appeal. He’s run one of the strongest campaigns and even appealed to a voting demographic previously unreachable. (That’s us, the lazy college kids.) He’s approachable to the every-man yet is clearly well educated. Best of all he maintains the much needed charisma to charm foreign diplomats. Obama’s weakness doesn’t have anything to do with him as a politician or a person, it has everything to do with the fact that America is not ready. America is not ready to move away from the white male status quo we have grown so used to. There’s still a basin of silent racism and prejudice in America and to deny that would be blatant disregard for an ashamed history.
4 February 2008
It’s harder to see in a region where we are thrown into the multi-cultural melting pot that is Los Angeles, whose inhabitants are expected to be tolerant. But venture out of Southern California and you’ll find yourself in less accepting parts of our country. In the south, I have still seen the Confederate Flag adorning many front doors, or even being flown above our dear Stars and Stripes. The Southern Cross sends a clear message celebrating a time and mentality that is far from one capable of electing our first African American president. Domestically, we haven’t come as far as we could have and it could cost us a perfectly capable president. As for Hillary, if the early primaries are any indication, many would like to see a woman in the White House. Believe me when I say, I would love a confident, wellequipped woman with experience to be the new “front-man” of our nation. However, while our citizens seem to be in favor of this change, internationally it would be detrimental. We are currently at odds and at war, with nations and cultures that could be less than accepting of a woman leader.
We need to be taken seriously; we need to be listened to, not dismissed because of a bias we can’t control. Compromise cannot be found in an environment where before our representative opens her mouth, her position is already being discounted. Obama is threatened domestically, while Hillary would be damaging to our International Relations. So what to do? There have been rumblings of a tag-along running mate plan. Either combination would not be comfortable with their potential Vice President, but both of these seasoned politicians need not look any further than easy statistics to see that once your Vice Presidential foot is in the door, the leap to the Oval Office, is not that far off. The hypothetical democratic super team of a Hillary-Obama ballot (not in any respective order) could be just what we need. We would have the charismatic man of the people and first lady turned first lady president. They could have the whole of the presently split Democratic party behind them, and really, what more could you do to ensure election?
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Happy Not-Dying Day By Derek Crossley Union Staffer My friend is turning six this month. He is five-foot ten, a hundred and sixty pounds. He looks like he should be turning twenty-four, but he’s a “leap year baby.” A “quarter-ager.” And what I like so much about him is not that he happened, by a chance of fate, to be born on February 29th, but the fact that he is adamant about not celebrating unless it’s his actual birthday. I’ve known him for six years and have only watched him blow out candles one time. Yes, there were only five candles. It’s refreshing to see someone that isn’t looking for any excuse to celebrate the fact that they have not yet died. Isn’t that all a birthday really is? You made it another year without dying. To celebrate the occasion, we force people to buy us gifts, make them drive out of their way, and, worst of all, we make them sing to us. I also have a serious issue with birthday cake. It sucks. The frosting sucks, the ridiculous jam they layer in it sucks and in general, I’m pleased I’m vegan and have an excuse to refuse it. But what’s the big deal? I find that more often than not people have a terrible time on their birthday. They are so busy organizing it, making calls, answering calls, worrying about money and all that other nonsense that they are normally miserable. There’s also a strange sense of entitlement that goes along with a person’s birthday. We are told that it’s “our day.” “Our special day.” But just because years ago, your mother squeezed you out doesn’t mean that other people aren’t busy. If you have a pretty decent amount of friends it is often somebody’s birthday. But can we really be expected to drop everything just to sing to people? Just to buy them gifts, be inconvenienced and have to politely consume a humongous slice of sugar? I’m sorry but I don’t see why. Of course I like to share my birthday with people. I like the attention. But I also am never offended if someone can’t make it or has something else to do. In a year, as long as I don’t die, I will be having another one. Maybe we should each pick a day to celebrate on? It seems pretty arbitrary to be assigned a birthday, a mandatory day of celebration, when you still have a tube connecting your stomach to your mother. Why can’t I decide? Maybe I want to celebrate on a special day I choose. It should be a day that you want to remember, not a day you are forced to. But my friend flips my whole idea on its head. He does only celebrate on his predetermined day. Luckily, that means I only need to clear one day out of four years in his honor. And for him I always will. I will bring him balloons, the one aspect of birthday parties I really love, and sing to him in my loudest off-key voice. He deserves it. He’s turning six. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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[Opinions] How I Learned Irony is a Dirty Hooker
Response to Katrina Sawhney’s “A Stereotypical Fashion Faux Pas” (1/28) By Brian Newhard Contributor Isn’t it amazing how life’s little unexpected ups and downs seem to hit at the most inopportune moments? Indulge me while I set the scene for my most recent encounter with that most mysterious mistress irony. Last Monday, I walked into the Student Union Lounge clutching my first anxiously anticipated Union Weekly of the new year. Now imagine my surprise when I found that the first infallible nugget of truth I glean from The Union’s hallowed pages is the paper’s Editor in Chief and inspiring leader’s, Ryan Kobane, gracious praise of my new jacket! I was rather proud of my new jacket and not only because of the great deal I got on it. It’s a slick black Adidas track jacket with a red, a yellow and a green stripe going down the sleeve. As you probably know, those colors are heavily associated with Rastafarianism and they’re a favorite of Reggae music fans and potheads everywhere.
Her apologetic stance on quick, unsubstantiated judgments (a.k.a. discrimination) ...is a step towards a terribly slippery slope. As I flipped to page 4 and found Katrina Sawhney’s opinion on popular clothing styles and the stereotypes associated with them, I felt the familiar phantom fingernails of irony, the sluttiest literary device, running up my neck. Sawhney’s opening arguments certainly followed a commonly accepted logic and they echoed the same doting concern of the hundreds of Orange County soccer moms who have preceded her. I even drew similar initial conclusions about my own outfit. In addition to my Rasta jacket, I was wearing a pair of slim-fitting brown corduroys, suede slip-on sneakers, a shaggy head of hair, and a bemused, know-it-all grin; I knew that, to someone with the inclination to quick judgment, I was a dead on lock for a stoner (FYI: I’m not a stoner). I continued to read. Katrina started dropping some serious knowledge on me. I had started my day expecting a handful of double takes and scoffs, but imagine my woe when I learned that those pricks had earned the right to give them to me. Not only that, but somewhere in between showering and jumping into my car I had miraculously given my permission to each one of them too! That bitch irony just slapped me harder than she had in a long time; I was reading an opinion defending stereotypical judgments while I filled the definition of a popular stereotype to the nines. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and glanced nervously at all those snaky, glaring eyes drilling into my back. My outfit, so vicariously adored by Ryan Kobane moments before, was starting to seem like a bad choice. And that was when Alanis Morissette’s top earner jammed her whore finger up my butt. “Oh shit! I’m minutes away from introducing myself to my Philosophy professor as Jeff Spicoli!” I helplessly yelped to my subtextual streetwalker. “My teacher clearly has the opportunity to think a lot of degrading things about me. And although her conclusions might not be ethically perfect, Sawhney, and hundreds like her, would defend her judgement.” When I
arrived in my class, I discovered that the damn overcrowding had left only one open desk: front row, dead center. I’m getting an F for sure. And I need to get a VD screening ASAP. And that was when I remembered I was sitting in the real world. The world where one is expected to hold off on judgment until one has all the facts. In America, where you’re innocent until proven guilty. I was sitting in a world where billions look and think differently than me, and a world where I’d be a damn fool if I casually dismissed them because of their appearance. And it’s a place where I’d be a coward if I sat idly by and watched someone ignorantly dismiss those billions. I know that Katrina Sawhney believes in this world; her argument never stated anything to the contrary. However, she did make one fatal flaw. She defended, made excuses for, and sympathized with those who actually believe, and act, contrary to these universal values. Her apologetic stance on quick, unsubstantiated judgments (a.k.a.: discrimination), in lieu of Martin Luther King’s recommendation that we wait for “content of character,” before drawing a conclusion, is a step towards a terribly slippery slope. If my philosophy professor had dragged me outside to confront me and claimed that my intoxicated conduct was distracting her class, I would react enormously offended and I would vehemently espouse my sobriety. If a fellow student had asked me if I was “holding bro?” I would be entirely vindicated in muttering “fuckin’ prick,” under my breath. And if a Campus Police officer searched me without probable cause, you better believe that I would file a complaint immediately. On closer inspection, there were a couple of phrases Sawhney used that didn’t sit well with me. First, I’m not sure how many kneejerk liberals would have taken the time to look past Sawhney’s Carlos Mencia-like preface. If I could borrow from Jeff Foxworthy’s logic for a moment: “If you find it necessary to open your opinion article containing your thoughts on popular American stereotypes by stating ‘Here’s the deal: I’m not a racist,’ you might be a racist.” I’m sure that there are many reasonable people in the world who would interpret her opinion’s premise as a little to close to the flawed, racist logic, “If it walks like a black person, talks like a black person, and dresses like a black person, it probably sells crack like a black person,” for their tastes. Sawhney’s closing paragraph gave me much greater concern. She argued that since humans have tendency to make judgments based on innate fight-or-flight reactions, they should get a little slack when they make unfair decisions. While it is true that our brains are genetically predisposed to make primal reactions to stereotypes, this fact by no means makes these judgments ethically permissible or socially acceptable. In his book, The Selfish Gene, Richard Dawkins concludes that the human brain has been programmed by natural selection to do dozens of morally abominable, yet logical in an animalistic sense, acts. Among these acts: murdering potential mating rivals. So how many instinctually-recommended deeds do we allow? Does Sawhney suggest that the law should attempt to “try not to hold it against,” a jealous lover who kills his ex’s new beau? Never. Making excuses for those who permit their primordial urges to override rational thought and expected social norms is an extremely dangerous policy. Until the human race has completed its journey on its path to eliminate discrimination, turning back to pity those pulling in the other direction will only drag us back.
Sinking in Political Quicksand By Sean Boulger Music Editor Every four years, I get really bummed out. I get nervous tense and edgy, and I wait until I can get a chance to relax for another four years. My blood pressure inevitably increases, until November finally passes, and my insides can enjoy the denouement that I’m afforded for a month, before I can settle into my normal routine of not giving a flying fuck about anything having to do with politics. Why the apathy? Why don’t I take more of an interest in the decision-making process that governs the country in which I live? I’ll tell you why: hate. I feel like the political process (or at least that which concerns obtaining votes) has become so soaked in hatred and one-sided rhetoric that I have resigned to just not give a shit. I have given up completely, refusing to even attempt at educating myself in regards to whom it is I should vote for; I simply can’t get a straight story from anyone. Amid all the mudslinging, double-speak, agenda-tossing, and candidate-bashing, I’m sure there is a place where I can get a straight shot from somebody, but at this point, I sure as hell don’t know where I can find this sort
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Illustration By Miles Lemaire
of information. Maybe it’s because I’m lazy, I don’t know. What I do know is that since I’ve been old enough to care, I’ve felt like there’s been a foot on my head, keeping me from getting my mouth and nose above the quicksand, so that I might breathe in the sweet, refreshing air of political information. I try my best to keep a completely open mind, as far as the opinions of others are concerned, and I think this has a lot to do with my disillusionment when it comes to politics and the voting process. Politics is definitely not the kind of arena where open minds are condoned. It’s pretty much one or the other, and neither side is willing to give the other a fair shot. My political education began with sweet Republican nothings being whispered in my ear all through high school, and being
that I was raised in an Irish Catholic family, I pretty much went along with whatever I heard. Inevitably, as I got older, I began to experience that “wait a second…” sort of feeling, and started to investigate the possibility that everything I had heard regarding the political ideas of the left was not entirely the gospel I had been led to believe it was. Of course, it was at this point that I experienced what led me to my current political views: it seems like it’s nearly impossible to get a straight shot from anybody when it comes to policies, the country, opposing ideas, etc. Everybody wants you to believe what they believe, and nobody seems willing to keep an open mind in regards to the ideas of others. It’s frustrating as fuck, and it’s left me dissatisfied and turned off to the political process for a great deal of years now. I would love nothing more than to be able to sit and discuss, philosophizing about politics and our nation with people more intelligent than myself. But at this point, I feel like nothing that I ever say would go without complete rebuttal; everyone’s got their idea, and it’s tough to have one of your own when everybody around you already has the right one.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
FROM THE GRASSY KNOLL Violence Begets Violence By Michaël Veremans Random Reviews Editor Five shot dead in suburban Chicago last weekend, and the gunman got away. It seems like another episode in an endless stream of murder and violence without regard in America. Yes, it seems like every week there is a shooting in the news, some situation where a person feels like they have the right to judge and end the life of another—and if you’ll recall we only get one of those (as far as we know). Gang violence, rape, murder, violence portrayed romantically on TV and in film. These are not the causes of problems in America, but rather symptoms of America, of our system and our leadership. It is no mistake that a country that has been in and out of military conflicts for the last hundred years has also faced a century of the highest crime and prison rates in the modern world. What then, is the cause of our apparent restlessness? What makes violence seem OK and reasonable to a dangerous minority that is conspicuously absent from happier nations? We live in a culture of fear, with a government full of thugs and bullies. We are led by people (politicians and their fraudulent economic allies) who believe that violence and war are viable answers to international and domestic problems, people whose livelihoods rely on the production of “weapons of mass destruction” and the sentiments have not remained isolated among the people who can justify murder with the pretenses of law and order. What I’m trying to say here is that our very president, the first man in the country, the person millions of children look up to, and indeed all of the politicians that we trust to represent us with our votes, are role models of violence and coercion. When the heroes of this nation are the ones that have killed and died killing, it is no wonder that violence should seem a viable means of negotiation to the children growing up in a failing economy with a militaryindustrial backbone. By watching the news, by listening to the speeches of politicians, we are constantly inducted into a society at war, a country whose own violence is bringing its downfall and scarring its youth. How could we ever expect peace on the streets if we can’t get peace of mind from our leaders who continually insist on answering the big questions with bombs and smoke screens? Explain to a thief why he can’t murder to get what he wants while thousands die to fill the pockets of certain politicians and oil execs. Explain the beauty and sanctity of this one human life we are given to a murderer, while the death penalty remains and Blackwater mercenaries are using Iraqi civilians for target practice. We are a nation turned violent by our leaders, we grow up among violence and, somehow, we’re still surprised when someone takes their legal gun and goes on a rampage. Violence begets violence, with no solution in sight. It would take economic and political restructuring to see a peaceful end—maybe all this overexposure to the diminished value of human life to our government will lead to the massive revolution that socialists dreamed of in the 20’s, when all this was just starting. Maybe we can see a day when peace is heralded and heroes never have to touch guns or drop bombs.
4 February 2008
News
Prop 92 Worthy of Student Attention By Vincent Girimonte
Studies have shown that jobs resulting from community college News Director training boost the economy with future higher paying jobs. In theory, he American presidential campaign has come to resemble California will see its money spent in Prop 92 return down the line. the very culture is aims to represent: American consumerSupporters of 92 are keying in on the guarantee—such as money, ism. Look no further than Barack no fee hikes—the measure provides. RegardObama and Hillary Clinton; both have less of the state’s fiscal misfortunes, money been campaigning for over a year—smilshould be set aside for the community college, Prop 92 at a Glance ing, kissing children, talking to burn vicdubbed the “gateway to the middle-class.” The * Establishes in state constitution tims—and we still have nine months to only question now is at what price will this a system of independent public go. Rudy Giuliani, who officially took his guarantee amount to? community college districts and name out of the race last week in a touchPresident F. King Alexander sent a mass ing endorsement of John McCain, alongemail last week warning students of the peril Board of Governors. side Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, of Proposition 92 with regards to its long-term * Generally, requires minimum has been campaigning since 9/11/2001. detrimental effect on the CSU and UC system. levels of state funding for school The market grows at the pace networks “If passed,” Alexander said in his email, districts and community college can spin the campaign into real-life, dra“Proposition 92 would lead to significant student districts to be calculated separately, ma-based entertainment, and the trend is fee increases for all CSU and UC students while ominously pointing towards a campaign also making it increasingly difficult for the state using different criteria and sepathat starts earlier and earlier into incumto assist CSU and UC institutions with much rately appropriated. bents’ office hours. needed salary increases for faculty and staff.” * Allocates 10.46 percent of curDo not be lulled into a trance. While we Opponents of Proposition 92 cite Califorrent Proposition 98 school funding will be choosing a candidate in this week’s nia’s $14.5 billion deficit as reason why this maintenance factor to community primary, we won’t be deciding on a presimeasure is a bad idea at a bad time. More or dent just yet. More pressing is Proposition less, an allocation of funds that will cost the colleges. 92, officially titled “Community College state roughly $900 million over three years * Sets community college fees at Governance, Funding Stabilization, and means other areas, in this case the CSU and UC $15/unit per semester; limits fuStudent Fee Reduction Act.” In brief, the systems among others, will be left out to dry. ture fee increases. measure, if approved, will set a fifteen dolThe public will be voting on Prop 92 just lar per unit standard that will take legislaweeks after Bush announced his economic tion to overturn, in addition to setting minimum allocation standards stimulus plan, a move garnering a hefty amount controversy. Not enfrom our state’s General Fund. tirely related, of course, but the voter will be very cognizant of legislation The California community college system provides 2.6 million stu- that locks money into place while we maintain a considerable deficit. dents with affordable education and job-training programs. CSULB The California Teacher’s Association (CTA) headlines a list of oradmitted over two thousand community college transfers last Fall, ganizations against the measure, as well as the Los Angeles Times, San and the number is only expected to climb. Francisco Chronicle, and Governor Schwarzenegger.
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4 February 2008
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should By Chris Barrett Science
Big Balls Breaking the Bank Over the past year, junior trader Jérôme Kerviel of the French bank Société Générale committed over $7 billion dollars worth of fraud. In doing so he risked ruining one of France’s oldest and most prestigious banks along with the careers of hundreds and was a major factor in the US enacting the largest interest rate cut in over 25 years. In response, the people of France have canonized him as a national hero. Kerviel, a talented economist, used knowledge from his previous work with bank security to circumvent the trade checking system. This, along with convincing supervisors that analyses of his trades contained arithmetic errors, allowed him to make far riskier trades than he normally would be permitted. His adeptness at judging future markets resulted in over a billion dollars worth of gains from the investments he made before December 31, far more than expected. But once it became apparent he could get in trouble, Kerviel needed to lose that billion quickly via terrible investments and thanks to a coincidental market crash, Kerviel again outperformed his own expectations. Now that a probe has also uncovered insider trading by a bank board member, Kerviel has been set free without any charges of fraud. Viva La France. Questions? Comments? Chris Barrett can be contacted at science@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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Sports
Bad Puns O’ Da Week
“More like ‘Boo’SC Trojans.”
Former Union staffer Shar Guardabascio, demeaning USC during their volleyball match in the Pyramid.
“More like USC ‘Blo’-jans.”
Sports editor Ryan ZumMallen, returning Shar’s favor and officially renaming them the ‘Boo’-SC ‘Blo’-jans.
A Recent History of Long Beach State Basketball It’s easy to say that our basketball teams are bad. And a combined record of 8-31 (20.5%) this season certainly constitutes “bad.” But the dominoes for failure were set in place years ago. Here’s how it happened, and how we’ll turn it around. Men’s Team
Women’s Team
Dot 1: Larry Reynolds is hired as head coach (05/02). Dot 2: First game of “Reynolds Era.” (11/02) Dot 3: After three years and 14 wins, Reynolds is not fired. (05/05) Dot 4: Eight JC superstars transfer to The Beach. (06/05) Dot 5: Team makes surprise run to Big West finals led by Aaron Nixon. (03/06) Dot 6: Led by the JC transfers—now seniors—49ers go 24-8 and win regular season conference title. (02/07) Dot 7: Assistant coach Reggie Howard and stars Kejuan Johnson & Mark Dawson are suspended due to violations in their recruitment to LBSU. (02/07) Dot 8: 49ers win Big West Tournament and earn first NCAA berth in 12 years. (03/07) Dot 9: 49ers lose to Tennessee in first round, 121-86. (03/07) Dot 10: Larry Reynolds is fired. (03/07) Dot 11: Nine players—more than 95% of the team’s scoring—graduate. (05/07) Dot 12: Dan Monson is hired as head coach. (05/07) Dot 13: Monson installs offense—marking the first time in five years that the 49ers have had one. (06/07) Dot 14: NCAA investigates violations, likely to impose sanctions on team. (09/07) Dot 15: 49ers lose first game of “Monson Era” to BYU, 74-34. (11/07) Dot 16: Though struggling, team shows improvement. (01/08) Dot 17: Junior Artis Gant and redshirt freshman Darnell Porter are dismissed due to “attitudes detrimental to the team.” (01/08)
Dot 1: Freshman guard Karina Figueroa emerges as superstar. (03/06) Dot 2: Senior guard Crystal McCutcheon is named conference MVP, Mary Hegarty is named Coach of the Year. (03/06) Dot 3: 49ers win regular season conference championship and earn #1 seed in Big West tournament. (03/06) Dot 4: 49ers are upset by UC Riverside in 1st Round of conference tourney. (03/06) Dot 5: Bulk of scoring graduates or transfers. (05/06) Dot 6: Hegarty attracts stellar recruiting class of talented freshmen. (06/06) Dot 7: Figueroa hurts foot in three different places over summer. (07/06) Dot 8: Dismal 2006-07 season, due to overwhelming youth and lack of depth. (02/07) Dot 9: Surprising run through conference tournament behind Figueroa’s 22ppg, before falling in semi-finals. (03/07) Dot 10: Senior guard Tyresha Calhoun is injured. (10/07) Dot 11: Junior guard Valeriya Musina is injured. (11/07) Dot 12: Figueroa is injured—again. (12/07) Dot 13: Junior guard Courtney Jacobs is injured. (12/07) Dot 14: Freshman guard Ashley Bookman is injured. (01/08) Dot 15: Junior guard Lynea Williams is injured. (01/08) Dot 16: 49ers fall to 4-14. (01/08) Dot 17: All hurt players return from injury (02/08)
The 49ers were hindered for years by former coach Larry Reynolds’ inability to develop talent, install any structure or plan for the future. His short-sightedness resulted in a conference championship, but we’re paying for it now—everyone he assembled graduated at the same time. Coach Monson has already begun to right the ship, installing a crafty offense and stressing hard-nosed defense. Their struggling record does not do justice to the vast improvement they’ve made so far this season, and as long as Donovan Morris suits up, we’ve got a chance every night. With loads of talent, solid coaching and coming recruits, natural progression will turn LB into a Big West power within two years.
Since the magic 05-06 season, the 49ers have struggled with two major issues: injuries and youth. Figueroa may be the conference’s best pure scorer, but she’s played most of her career through considerable foot pain. Six key players have been lost to the injury bug this season. They’re all back at full-strength now, and this is the same team that shocked everyone with a semi-final run in last year’s conference tourney. They rebound extremely well as a team, and though they rely almost entirely on their guards to score, are second in the Big West in 3-point %. And this season they’ve only got one senior. Next year, the youth grows up—ballin.
Pointing The Finger The 49er basketball teams are not bad. They’re very young, unlucky, and—in one team’s case—got severely screwed by one man. Things are looking up as the squads make strides towards the Big West Tournament, but if you must blame someone for the struggles, here’s who you should be pissed at:
M E N S
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Graduation 44% Lack of Talent Coach Reynolds Development 9% 17%
Dumb Decisions 23%
Injuries 44%
Coach Reynolds 9%
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Lack of inside scoring threat 17%
Youth 23%
W O M E N S
4 February 2008
How The Volleyball Team Will Win The National Title By Sergio Ascencio 49er Paparazzi
T
he ‘Niners men’s volleyball team continued its Patriots-like undefeated campaign with impressive wins over #5 Pepperdine and #11 USC last week. The team improved its record to 8-0 in a still young season. But, we can’t help but get excited seeing the team run through these teams as if they were junior high intramural squads. It’s still early, but here are the 10 reasons why our team won’t fall off the rankings or the path towards a national championship. 10. Win The Battle, Win The War Not counting the team’s “exhibition” loss earlier in the season, the ‘Niners squad has lost only 6 sets in 8 matches, and that includes a 3-2 win over Queen’s University. In other words, not only do we win, we dominate. 9. Intelligence Don’t know why, but it seems like on the court the ‘Niners rarely make those mental mistakes that coaches hate. We don’t know the team’s cumulative GPA but we are gonna guess it’s higher than the usual. And yea, they play with style and grace but in the end it’s the… 8. Power Game Nothing like a great scorching kill to rattle an opponent’s grill. Fans love ‘em, the coaches love ‘em and front-row spectators often dodge ‘em. A majority of these kills are courtesy of Paul Lotman, Dean Bittner and Dan Alexander who have combined for 252 kills this season… in 8 matches. 7. Height & Athleticism It doesn’t hurt that all three of those
guys stand 200 centimeters tall—that’s 6’7” for those of you who neglect the metric system. In all, the team has a height average of about 6’5”. But not only are they tall, they are quick and have crazy reflexes. They don’t have cat-like reflexes, cats have ‘Niner-like reflexes. 6. Fan Support Through three home matches, visitors are yet to win a single set. For the fans, it’s nice to have something to cheer about besides the dance team. And going to the matches has turned into a who’s who here at Long Beach. You can run into the soccer squad, give a “keep yo’ head up” dap to some of the men’s basketball players, or even chop it up with your favorite Union Weekly sportswriters. If you ain’t been to a match yet, Photos courtesy of Ryan Kobane jump on the wagon quick. 3. Competition 5. SuperFan Come tourney time, the team will have Can’t talk about the fans without men- outlasted a grueling, competitive schedtioning the ringleader. No one at Long ule. They’re currently ranked 3rd in the Beach State hurts more after a loss and nation (at press time, but expect them to no one craves high fives after a win more move up soon). than SuperFan. The ‘Niners sit atop the Mountain Pa4. Diggin’ The ‘Stache cific Sports Federation—where 10 of the 12 Dustin Watten has been rockin’ the conference’s teams are ranked in the Top 15 old-school porn-stache for the squad. in the nation. Don’t know what made him do this but it 2. Employee #2 takes balls to walk out of the house like Senior leader and former walk-on Paul that. And it takes balls to jump infront of Lotman is worth the hype. Complete game the opponents’ spikes for digs. Of course arsenal with a wicked serve, power kill and he leads the squad with 71. clutch “Imma take over now” instinct, Lot-
[Sports]
man is the truth. And don’t neglect his vicious stare-down of opponents who challenge him at the net. 1. Coaching Head coach Alan Knipe won a national title as a 49er back in ‘91, so he knows how to get the job done. Not to mention, he was at the helm for the U.S. national team over the summer. And anytime a coach lets his players swim in the student section after a win, it’s cool with me. Keep it up. Questions? Comments? Let us know what you think at www.lbunion.com Also, check out the Union SportsNight podcast for more!
“DON’T FORGET!” Saturday, February 9, 2008
is the LAST DAY to EXCHANGE or RETURN
TEXTBOOKS
purchased for Spring 2008
from January 2, 2008 through February 6, 2008 • All returns must be accompanied with a receipt • Books must be in their original condition/packaging and free of highlighting and markings • Full refund guidelines are available at www.shopthebeach.com
4 February 2008
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7
Polling: Kind of a Ridiculous Thing to Do. I
The Union Weekly gives you a big, fat poll right when you need it. By Vincent Girimonte
f one were to look at the sheer volume of polls being authored and used by legitimate news sources, it would be understandable for someone to think they couldn’t be all that difficult to produce. You approach a stranger, ask them a few questions, and then move on. I was suckered into this demographic and victimized by my own ignorance, time after time, in the dining halls, in the Student Union, on the upper campus lawn, and countless other locations where I expected to find a willing volunteer. I was able to finish my poll, and among the many conclusions that I was willing to make regarding CSULB’s political landscape, I was also able to conclude that asking a student to complete a quick, harmless survey is akin to asking for a hand job. Here are some observations gathered from the inaugural Union Weekly poll.
Conclusion 1: College Students Love Obama
Barack Obama edged out Hillary Clinton by a few votes, but for our purposes as a poll, the two were even. It is true: Californians love the Clintons. She had been favored here from the get go but Obama’s recent success in Iowa and his crushing defeat of the former first lady in South Carolina have him and his supporters rolling. The two aren’t so much as polarizing figures as they are incredibly similar from the naked eye; two political minorities, each trying to grab an office previously unrepresented by their identities. As it currently stands, Obama is considered the more liberal of the two. Anne Coulter’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton, provided John McCain is the candidate for the GOP, has gone a long way to re-enforce this. Clinton’s stance on universal health care has been a strong rallying point for her California platform, as many in the Golden State are living with health insurance.
Conclusion 2: Girl Power is Staying Power
Like this campus, the poll is full of women. Clinton earned forty-three percent of the female Beach vote, trumping Obama’s thirty percent. John McCain was in a distant third with six percent of the vote. The Los Angeles Times poll resembles our numbers, with their polling results showing a state-wide female support of Clinton from Democratic voters at fifty percent. Obama’s ability to get female votes will be key on the 5th, especially in the more conservative states. He won a signifcant portion of the female vote in both South Carolina and Iowa, playing a major role in his victories.
Conclusion 3: We are a Pretty Damn Liberal Campus
Either conservative students have an objection to public venues or they’re few and far between at CSULB. Republicans who did partake in our survey were torn between Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Remember, the Union Weekly poll was a completely open survey. We asked the voter who they would most like to see in the presidency, not who they would be voting for on Super Tuesday. Clinton’s popularity is less surprising given that Governor Schwarzenegger is considered a moderate to liberal Republican. Polls are showing a wide-open GOP race in California. Barring a miracle, it would appear that we’re heading for another blue November.
Illustrations by Andrew Wilson
A Marginalized Voice By Michaël Veremans WITH 19.3% OF VOTERS REGISTERED independent and God knows how many registered Democrats and Republicans dissatisfied with their parties, which are essentially parallel versions of the same socially, economically conservative policy that has been markedly American from the get go. Even though political parties develop and the Republican Party has actually moved towards fiscal liberalism (evidenced by their trillions of dollars of spending), there remains a mar-
8
ginalized voice in America: the Third Party. In the past, third parties have faced an uphill struggle to gain even the slightest bit of publicity, making a viable run for the White House a dream to most independents. Ross Perot led a brave push toward Washington, and although he wasn’t elected, his presence in the election brought forth many important issues of electoral and fiscal reform that otherwise wouldn’t have seem the light of day in the long tenured, socially-unresponsive two party, winner-takes-all system. One of the most important third parties
in America remains the Green party, with a socially responsible platform and more than 300,000 registered members, stands as a formidable voice for governmental responsibility. Similarly, the Libertarian Party, representing a more fiscally conservative platform, has more than 200,000 registered members nationwide. Both parties are running candidates for the 2008 elections. Although it seems hopeless that either of them would ever garner enough votes to get equal representation in Congress and the White House, we can look to Parliamentary democracies in European nations that have more than fifteen different political parties representing the diverse voices that those nations (like ours) have. The only difference is that we suppress
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
what is potentially a majority political persuasion with a draconian two-party system. It is almost sad that the tradition of third parties in America—we’ve had dozens and dozens in the last two hundred years—hasn’t led to a blossoming minority voice. Or even a majority voice! In an election where 49% of the voting public are directly represented in the White House, that leaves at least 51% dissatisfied and silenced; this is not taking into account that some of those 49% might not really feel represented by their candidate But third parties remain resilient in the face of overwhelming opposition, fighting for posts in local and state governments and fighting for their constituency more resolutely than any Washington fat-cat. Long live the Third Party.
4 February 2008
The Magnetic Fields
$27.50
The Henry Fonda Theatre Doors at 7pm Hollywood Monday, March 3rd Vastly underappreciated and too talented for his own good, Stephen Merritt boasts eclectic musicality that often bogs down the ear with “too many notes.” Geniuses, nonetheless, The Fields are prepared to endorse their newest album, Distortion. They’ve been playing for over a decade, so one might assume their shows are a well-oiled machine at this point. Go to this show. Receive snob cred.
Mountain Goats The Troubadour West Hollywood
$16
Doors at 8pm Wednesday, March 5th
John Darnelle is a man. And yes, he sounds fairly similar to a mountain goat. This guy has been singing his wonderful short stories, both fictional and autobiographical, since 1991. With more than sixteen albums under their belt, it is safe to say that the group won’t be playing all of the favorites, but I wouldn’t want to stay around for a show that long anyway.
Division Day
$10
Spaceland Doors at 9pm Silver Lake Friday, March 7th L.A.’s own Division Day is back in town, and ready to rock the hipster center of the universe: Spaceland. Crowd into this friendly little bar and enjoy the DJ playing My Bloody Valentine way too loud in between bands, before you get to enjoy local heroes Division Day’s delightful set of smooth and interesting indie rock that was born on the very streets through which you walk.
Crystal Castles Roxy Theatre Hollywood
$25
Doors at 9pm Sunday, March 9th
Arguably the greatest band ever formed by accident, Crystal Castles melds chaotic percussive layers with floods of Atari noise into something strangely beautiful. HEALTH will be backing them up, although it will be somewhat disappointing to see the noise rockers out of their usual L.A. hangout The Smell.
4 February 2008
DELUXE Edition T
by Sean Boulger
he singer-songwriter niche is becoming harder and harder to pull off. It seems now that every band has a guitarist or a drummer who has branched off, churning out some sort of well-funded and equally well-produced solo project. Similarly, the solo acoustic guitar act is tried and true, having been beaten to a pulp for as long as people have been able to sing and play instruments. Easily the hardest genre in which an artist can truly create something unique and inspiring, the limitations placed upon those trying to create music within these boundaries can be as unforgiving as the criticisms heaped upon them by snooty music writers. Through her musical endeavor Deluxe, however, Katrina Skalland seems intent on showing us that the singer-songwriter corner is alive and well, thriving with new and creative minds like hers. Katrina Skalland is lucky, being as talented and hard-working as she is privileged. Growing up singing in the church choir and playing the cello, Katrina has had the pleasure of being around music all her life, soaking in valuable years of experience in her youth. Surprisingly enough, she missed out on some important and formative years of rock & roll education, only having been introduced to bands like Led Zeppelin in what she estimates to be around the last seven years or so. Thankfully enough, she wasn’t too late to get started down the path of righteousness: Eventually, as she left home, she was introduced to artists like The Pixies, The Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan. Soon after that, she became a fan of bands ranging from The Jesus and Mary Chain to Panda Bear to John Vanderslice…all of whom she cites as important influences. The victim of some fairly exciting happenstance, Katrina and her band Deluxe got in touch with the likes of the aforementioned Mr. Vanderslice, Death Cab for Cutie guitarist Christopher Walla, and innovative producer Scott Solter (whose work with L.A.’s own Division Day has had me rocking out in my car for the last few months). Recording
at Vanderslice’s analog studio Tiny Telephone in San Fransisco, Deluxe has turned out a full-length album, Mary’s Got Seven, But I’ve Got Ten, and a gem of an EP called Cowards Ought to Stay out of the Sun. Independently distributed and financed, both discs boast surprisingly high production values. The songwriting is direct and inspired, with the musical arrangements are lush and colorful, complementing Katrina’s delivery beautifully. Skalland’s voice is beautiful and warm, and the presentation brings to mind comparisons to other singer-songwriters like Annie Clark’s St. Vincent or Laura Veirs’ Year of Meteors album. Currently, Katrina is touring as a solo artist, playing small venues without her backing band. Performing recently at Long Beach’s Prospector, Katrina showed a surprising degree of showmanship that utilized an impressive and powerful voice with a very cute stage presence. Battling the inevitable “bar noise” that makes it hard for any performer to deliver in an atmosphere where socializing is emphasized, Katrina played her songs with a minimal, but sweet amount of between-song interaction that was mostly dedicated to smiling thanks for people showing up. Playing songs from both releases, as well as some that haven’t come out yet, Skalland was comfortable and easy onstage, despite the fact that many of the bar’s patrons were more or less distracted. With Deluxe, Katrina Skalland has given us a reason to truly celebrate indie music. Financed, funded, and produced through benefactors, investors, and her own hard work, Skalland has shown us that great music doesn’t have to have a record label or a well-known producer backing it. When asked about her creative process, Katrina Skalland shed a little bit of light on what it is that makes Deluxe so great. The music boasts an honesty and straightforwardness that seems rare, and as she describes it, “Maybe it’s just art for art’s sake. Just to make something beautiful, or ugly, or creative happen. Just to make it happen.”
As the first in this series of exploratory examinations in Coachella bands, I feel somewhat responsible for setting the pace of this little feature. So for those of you wondering how you should go about discovering new music for Coachella (or for any reason at all), read on as I sink my fangs into the exquisitely-named Professor Murder. Normally I’d say to check YouTube first, but the Prof. has virtually nil up there. So you’ll have to go with the fall back choice of Myspace (www.myspace. com/pmurdermusic). They’ve got themselves listed as “Happy Hardcore / Jam Band” and that’s just peachy, as far as I’m concerned. A cursory listen to “Free Stress Test” immediately sucks me in to the point that it’s at least 3 more listens before I can summon the concentration to do anything else. Shit is catchy, y’all. It’s got a chant-style vocal that immediately seeps irrevocably into your brain, and the sort of ‘80s synth melody that
is just about guaranteed to ruin your workday. The undercurrent to all of Professor Murder’s songs is an inevitable sense of fun and lighthearted vigor. The rhythm section (with particular emphasis on that dastardly cowbell) is pushed to the forefront, making it excellent music for a party. But DJ’s beware, because meanmuggin’ gangstas are sure to take offense to your attempts to turn their carefully-manicured frowns upside-down. As I’ve mentioned, the instrumentation is fiercely eclectic, and potential listeners should prepare for potent doses of melodica, whistle, spoons, and effectively every soundwave in their synth repertoire. This is an enthusiastic thumbs-up for Professor Murder, the electron-a-jam outfit that will probably have your douchebag friends saying, “Duuuude, we should TOTALLY start a band like that.”
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
-By Matt Dupree
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Reviews o’ the Week!
We listen to albums so you don’t have to. Vampire Weekend Vampire Weekend XL Recordings
7.5
Vampire Weekend may be sucking the life out of the buzz they’ve received with all their recent publicity, but no amount of overexposure can keep these vampires from surviving in the spotlight. Taking a cue from The Beatles’ debut in 1964, VW are the charming, sharply dressed boys your mother wishes you’d invite to dinner, though she may have to wash their mouths with soap when she hears their denunciation of the oxford comma. On paper, they sound like a mess: Ivy-league educated Afro-pop infused with new wave rock and accompanied by classical string arrangements may be difficult to fathom, but upon first listen you will instantly understand. After breaking out of the New York Indie-pop scene on music blog Stereogum they’ve gone from under-produced unknowns to the most talked-about group this year. I attended their show in June of 2007 at the Troubadour (for $5, mind you) after only hearing three shabbily recorded songs. Endeared not only by their nerves, but also by their ability to impress with every unfamiliar song, I realized VW was undoubtedly talented and bound for great things—apparently, so did everyone else. Unless you’re put off by white musicians who blatantly appropriate black music (in which case you must have an inordinately small record collection), VW’s use of world sounds is, for the most part, tongue-in-cheek. In fact, sarcasm runs so wildly through this album, that it’d be no surprise if listeners misinterpreted the group as pretentious or trite. For example, “Oxford Comma” is a song that criticizes English-snobs who constantly correct and condemn. The irony is in VW’s lyrics and cleverly alliterated verses like, “All your diction/ dripping with disdain/ through the pain/I always tell the truth,” where it becomes apparent that the group is more than just mindlessly catchy pop songs. But the group doesn’t so wholly rely on being cute that it distracts you from substance—they can be genuinely fun. Songs like “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa” and “M79” will scoop you up and throw you into the slow-motion montage of a Wes Anderson film. They’ve also been credited with some flattering references. Some have compared them to Paul Simon’s Graceland or The Police—even David Byrne has likened them to an “early Talking Heads.” This kind of talk can often lead to the demise of a good band, and for the most part, VW is being portrayed as gimmicky and self-righteous. Fortunately, their self-titled album gave VW the validation and confirmation needed to push their popularity out of the realm of absurdity. There isn’t a single bad song on the album—most of which have been re-mastered and rerecorded with orchestral accompaniment. “I Stand Corrected” is a previously unreleased song driven by alternating drumbeats and a clear understanding of song structure. They are clever musicians, wise beyond their years, and I hope their hype dies before -By Rachel Rufrano they do.
Cat Power Jukebox Matador
5.3
Jukebox is singer-songwriter Chan Marshall’s latest effort, but not her most impressive one. This, however, is not a fair description, so let’s start over. First and foremost, Jukebox is an album of cover songs. The tracklist is not one that was picked at random, and that becomes clear with a quick flip of the album case. Instead it seems to be somewhat of a labor of love, hand-picked over the years. Cat Power’s sound works really well with all of the songs on the album, but the album lacks the narrative driven lyrics, which are the thing that has always drawn me to Cat Power’s music in the past. This takes away from the usual ability of the band’s music to be broken down into a deep and interesting story. I usually look forward to being able to spend time getting to know the characters, and for all of the obvious reasons, this album lacks this quality. Where songs like “The Greatest” allowed me to get to know the character of a man who once wanted to be a professional boxer, the new album’s lyrics seem to take a backseat to the actual music, which is also less minimalistic than Marshall’s music has been on past albums. With this flaw aside, the album is extremely easy to listen to. As it stands, my favorite track on the album is “Silver Stallion.” Maybe it’s just because it was the first song I heard leaked on one of the many music blogs I regularly visit, or maybe it’s the vaguely sweet sound of a slide guitar in the background, but it just sort of rubs me the right way, and I think that’s what this entire album is supposed to do. It’s not a record that tries to make you stop and take notice; it doesn’t throw any curve balls or pretend to be something it’s not. Marshall adds nothing more than a simple soundtrack to an otherwise noiseless situation, and at this, it is undoubtedly successful. I should say that I’m not very familiar with the original versions of the songs on the album, but I don’t know that it matters. The record doesn’t appear to be trying to improve upon the songs it covers. Instead the tracks come off as odes to the songwriters they embody. There are covers of such artists as James Brown, Bob Dylan, Billie Holiday, among many other artists who seem to be natural influences for the singer-songwriter. These are songs you want to hear while you’re sitting down to write or read or do something else in the interest of being studious. There are no moments on the album. But this album is not art. It is not meant to be. Part of the beauty of the album is found in the fact that it gives the listener nothing to discover, but the ears get bored easily and listening to this album in its entirely with any more than a hint of consciousness of the fact that its playing is not something I see myself doing in the near future. I have already done the album the honor of dragging it into my playlist entitled: ‘Seriously. You Should Study.’
Chris Walla Field Manual Barsuk
From the ashes of every great band, there eventually rises a phoenix in the form of a breathtaking solo artist. A drummer or guitarist will come out of nowhere, blindsiding everyone with a collection of songs that are so interesting and fresh that we’re left wondering where these skills were when the band needed them. Animal Collective has Panda Bear, The Eagles had Joe Walsh, and everyone knows the Beatles had more than their fair share of solo exposure when nearly the entire band went on to successful and rewarding solitary careers (sorry, Ringo). A name that has become synonymous with accessible, poppy indie rock, Death Cab quickly became the victim of the stamp they left on indie pop music with the release of Plans. The innovation and originality that had inhabited albums like The Photo Album and Transatlanticism just seemed to dissipate, leaving us with a formulaic, though enjoyable collection of fun indie tracks. And now comes Chris Walla to save the world (or so we hope). As Polyvinyl Field Manual, his long-awaited solo album, opens with “Two-Fifty,” one might be inRecords clined to think to oneself “The son of a bitch has done it! He’s really done it!” The first track is an instant pleaser: Walla’s densely-layered vocals, soaked in reverb, bring the listener in comfortably, before a clipped and succinct drum beat paves the road for swelling bass, guitar, and keyboard notes. “Two-Fifty” is brilliant, and sets the stage for an interesting album that is sure to delight. Unfortunately, this promise is a little bit false: the opening track is easily the record’s strongest, and the plateau is fairly short-lived. The rest of Field Manual more or less follows in the footsteps of Death Cab for Cutie. Instead of creating work that stands independently as something he has created outside of the realm of invention he normally resides in, Field Manual just sounds like it’s struggling to break free from its older brother’s shadow, and just isn’t doing very well. Walla’s ability as a songwriter shows through every once and again, like on “Archer v. Light,” a song meant to read like a letter written to a senator regarding the always songfriendly subject of constitutional interpretation. The strength of the album—much as I had expected—lies, of course, in Walla’s production. Every song is home to an arrangement that is simply spot-on. Walla showcases his ability to create sonic landscapes that are textural, but never take the listener’s attention away from exactly what is going on within that song, and this is an important skill. But all the fantastic production in the world can’t help the fact that some of these songs just aren’t interesting. With Field Manual, Chris Walla has given us an enjoyable collection of songs, but there isn’t anything here that demands repeated spins or necessarily provokes any sort of thought after the facts. These tunes are go down smooth and are digested easily, but the tastes are a little too simple to really necessitate being savored.
-By Sean Boulger
The Cave Singers Invitation Songs Matador
8.4
Seattle is gloomy and miserable. It’s a breeding ground for depression, suicide, and boredom—ergo, Seattle is like a petri dish for good bands like The Cave Singers. Invitation Songs is raw, unadulterated folk music. It’s pure feeling and emotion. Somewhere between the washboard percussion and Soggy Bottom Boy vocals, you get the idea that the Singers didn’t choose to express themselves through the honesty of roots music—it chose them. Pete Quirk sings each song with a nasally, fragile voice and everything about him suggests he’s plowed through more than his fair share of whisky. The album’s opening tune, “Seeds of Night,” is perpetuated by bouncing guitar riffs and sandy snare brush strokes. Like an old southern soldier, swarthy and tired, he sings “Ooh, thinking of heaven,” and stares into a cup as golden as the sun. All these alcohol and drug references are not unwarranted. The Singers played live at the Echo last December and Quirk was never seen without a Red Stripe by his side. There are also some other indications like the song “New Monuments.” Singing like some hymnal chant, he preaches over Polyvinyl Records steady bass lines that pulsate through your chest and echo and fade like the words, “I must be lost, I must be lost, I must be lost...” A song about drug-induced insanity, Quirk’s voice trembles over the line, “There’s a mirror, but I don’t need to stare.” “Elephant Clouds” is a galloping march that conjures up images of a bird’s-eye view of a coastal town. But the Singers aren’t purely pastoral. “Dancing On Our Graves” is by far the best recording on the album and is just as much The Replacements as it is Arlo Guthrie. The song is a shuffling, stomping anthem of euphony. The melody and phenomenal musicianship, featuring Derek Fudesco on guitar and bass pedals and Marty Lund on drums, encourage dancing and celebration, but always, beneath the surface, is an inner-turmoil, madness, and instability. Invitation Songs is like a collection of stories told by a man who was once happy, but can hardly recall those times under the scars of lost loves and small tragedies accumulated over a lifetime. “Helen” is just this very song. The tale of the loss of a legendary love comparable to that of Odysseus and Penelope, a wailing harmonica accompanies the words, “Helen your eyes are frozen in my brain/ Helen you are lost world where I remain/ And all my dreams move away, I let them escape.” Like Johnny Cash, Guthrie, or Leadbelly, but nowhere near as successful as influential, The Cave Singers show the same potential for greatness and ear for visceral folk music. Strange. Considering the trio claim they don’t listen to much folk music—they site The Pixies and Fleetwood Mac as influences—they are creating some of the best our generation has heard. And I suppose it doesn’t matter either way. After all, it was Big Bill Broonzy who said, “All music is folk music.”
-By Allan Steiner
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
-By Rachel Rufrano
4 February 2008
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Gob’s Grief...Good Grief! A review of Gob’s Grief By Chris Adrian Vintage 400 Pages $13.95
This week: The Push Pin Style, Michael Gray’s Bob Dylan Encyclopedia, Nigel Coates’ Guide to Ecstacity, and Culinaria France.
Reviewed by Erin Hickey
T
hough not as staggering as his critically acclaimed (though surprisingly under-read) sophomore effort, The Children’s Hospital, Chris Adrian’s first novel Gob’s Grief is a major accomplishment nonetheless. Centering around George Washington “Gob” Woodhull, the fictional son of the actual 1800s feminist Victoria Woodhull, the novel is a stunning feat of research. Adrian stitches the historically accurate and the fictional into a patchwork book that would make even the most dedicated history professor blush with inadequacy.
I’d expect this level of dedication from a bestselling author with endless financial resources and nothing to worry about but his next book, but Adrian has far more on his plate. For one, his primary profession is a doctor. And no, that’s not just a smarmy way of saying he takes his Literature Ph.D. far too seriously. He’s an honest-to-goodness M.D. and it shows. His meticulously detailed descriptions of Civil War hospitals and treatments, though impressive, border on masturbatory at times and are, frankly, often boring. Then again, I’m neither a published author nor a medical doctor, so maybe I should withhold my criticism for a while and discuss the positives. The premise is fantastic. Gob, wracked with guilt and (wait for it) grief over the death of his twin brother Tomo and frustrated that his pain alone is not enough to bring him back, decides to build a machine that will amalgamate all the grief in the world, bringing all who died in the Civil War back to life. With the assistance of fellow doctor Will and his lover Walt Whitman (yes, that Walt Whitman—accurately portrayed as a Civil War nurse), he starts building. There are a few other surprises along the way, but you get the point. After being blown away by the back cover synopsis, and The Children’s Hospital alike, there was no doubt in my mind that I would devour this book. To be honest, I ended up taking a se-
Beef’s Top O’ The Pile
Magazine Profile: Food & Wine
Folks, this looks to be a piss-poor week of comics. There’s not much to pick up (take this opportunity to pick up some older stuff), so this is how we’re going to do things: I’ll tell you my one pick, and then follow that up with books you SHOULD NOT be reading. Justice Society of America #12 Yeah, I’m a sucker for the classic superhero comics. But the indie cool kid intellectual comics (i.e. Chris Ware) will have to wait for another week. Don’t pick up this issue unless you’ve read the mini-series Kingdom Come, because writer Geoff Johns uses his natural ability to tie in years worth of continuity and does just that with his newest arc on JSA. Pick up #12 to see how the Kingdom Come-Universe Superman adjusts to living in the the normal DC-Universe, and check out the new team of superheroes that makes its presence known. Army Of Darkness #6 & Evil Dead #2 Ugh, more Bruce Campbell exploitation comics. I love the chiseled-chinned man as much as the next double-chinned fan, but fuck, I don’t need this many plotless “stories.” Only the horror genre would get so many comic adaptations. You’d never see an Atonement comic. Halloween Nightdance #1 Again, another horror movie franchise is made into a comic. Some of these comics act as prequels, others as sequels. Either way, they never turn out interesting. They always end up being the franchise murderer killing people, which works with moving pictures, but not with subpar artwork. Unless you’re a huge Michael Myers fan, don’t bother, and even then I’d say watch out, because it’s just profiting off of the shitty remake.
-Mike “Beef” Pallotta
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ries of nibbles, then opting for something juicier. I started Gob’s Grief in February of last year and finished it two weeks ago. It was by no means torturous—it was thoroughly enjoyable actually. The book held my interest the entire time I was reading it; it was when I set it down that problems began to arise. The novel is interesting, but not compelling. For one, it is historically accurate to a fault. The war scenes, with their textbook precision read like just that—a history textbook. The characters were well developed, but Adrian often spent far too long building up the players, only to jump to a different plotline just as things were beginning to get interesting. As I said earlier, Gob’s Grief is nothing to scoff at. Speaking strictly in artsy-literature terms, it is nothing short of a masterpiece. If you’re a Civil War buff you’ll love it, and even if you’re not, it’s worth reading. It’ll just take some patience. And by Illustration by Miles Lemaire some, I mean a lot.
There’s a stigma about being twentysomething years old that says you’re not allowed to be sophisticated when it comes to the food and libations you choose to consume. For some reason, college students are expected to be content eating microwaveable burritos and downing thirtypacks of Pabst without ever understanding the subtle differences between a pinot and a cabernet, or how to cook a perfect lamb shank; I’ve never bought into this. About four years ago, when I was still entertaining thoughts about attending culinary school, I bought a subscription to Food & Wine magazine to open my mind to different food possibilities. Four years later and I’m still a subscriber, happier than ever about this publication, still stealing recipes week by week and making them my own. When you first look at Food & Wine magazine, something that always stands out is the photography. I know it sounds
funny to compliment a food magazine on its photos, but as a photographer I know how difficult it is to make food look appetizing on paper. If the food doesn’t look delicious you’re not going to sell anyone on using that recipe, and Food & Wine magazine does an amazing job of making your tastebuds salivate from page to page (I just wish when I made the same dishes mine looked like the photos). But what I’ve learned from Food & Wine magazine the most is how to be a knowledgeable and discerning adult consumer. I’ve learned what a difference a fantastic set of knives can make in a kitchen; I’ve also learned that just because a bottle of wine is marked as a ‘92 at BevMo doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be good. I’ve learned how to cook an entire thanksgiving meal, and I’ve learned how important it is to make food that’s not only satisfying, but healthy. So even though I’m sure that most of us don’t fall into Food & Wine’s ideal demographic, I am absolutely sure that each student at CSULB could benefit in some way or another from this magazine. Just because society tells us that being an unsophisticated college student is okay for now, doesn’t mean that you can’t absorb the culinary knowledge provided by Food & Wine and store it away for the future. That’s actually the ideal way to use Food & Wine magazine, because chances are that you can’t afford most of the filet mignon and lobster-riddled recipes right now anyway. Now where’s the microwave? I’ve got to reheat this parmesan and portobello mushroom risotto.
-Ryan Kobane
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
As usual, the start of classes has signaled the end of reading for pleasure’s sake, a fact I am more than a little sad to admit. Due to this unfortunate circumstance, I’ve been restricted to class-related reading material which, though often pretty interesting, can be damn frustrating in large doses. Coffee table books, though often pricey, offer a nice respite from the more intellectually demanding texts the school year brings. After reading about eight hundred textbook introductions and a handful of early British poems, I decided to scour my shelves for something a little more picture-heavy. The Push Pin Style, published in 1970, belonged to my mother in college, and has been one of my favorites for as long as I can remember. Aside from that inimitable old book smell, it showcases the best work by the members of Push Pin Studios, an ad agency co-founded by famed “I heart NY” logo creator Milton Glaser (and arguably the most important graphic design firm of the time). Each of the designers has his own unique style that lends itself to, rather than detracts from the overall unity of the firm’s portfolio. Barry Zaid’s and Glaser’s designs are my favorite of the bunch, but all of the artists make equally valuable contributions. I’m not sure if this book is still in print, but if you can find it, I highly recommend giving it a look. After about an hour of looking at the pictures in Push Pin I started to feel a little guilty, and opted for something with very few images: The Bob Dylan Encyclopedia by Michael Gray. Though it boasts quite a hefty price tag, it’s probably the most difficult nonfiction book to stop reading on earth. Gray’s meticulous record of anything and everything remotely Bob Dylan related is an astounding feat of research and willpower, if nothing else. Start with a random entry and prepare yourself for a long afternoon of crossreferencing. It’s absurdly informative and surprisingly thrilling if you’re a Dylan fan (which you should be). Though not quite as fun to read as Push Pin and the Dylan Encyclopedia, Nigel Coates’ Guide To Ecstacity is every bit as impressive. The graphic design is impeccable, and the concept behind the book is nothing short of genius. Coates designed a model city called Ecstacity by combining elements of seven real cities around the world with his own imaginary aspects. The result is a beautiful and compelling ethnography, not of a real culture, but of a city and culture that could be. Awesome concept aside, the imaginary city Coates created in the pages of Ecstacity is nowhere near as impressive as the real-life country of France seems when showcased in the pages of Culinaria France (edited by Andre Domine). This was by far my favorite of the coffee table books I read this week, which is counterintuitive, since it felt the most like a textbook. Not only is any question you’ve ever had in your life about French food answered in this book, but questions you’ve never even considered asking are answered as well. The book seems to serve only two purposes. One, to make the reader unbearably hungry and the other to make the reader never want to eat again (everyone knows that bleu cheese is moldy in the back of their mind, but the painstaking description of its creation-process in this book makes it seem, well, actually moldy). My only complaint is that the small font decreases readability, but I guess it also increases the amount of words in the book, which I’m okay with.
-Erin Hickey
4 February 2008
By Steven Carey
The body of water is inviting, is calling to worn tendons, filaments under tough skin pockmarked with pebbles and small boulders. It steams and slowly gives of itself, dissipates, relinquishing warmth healing bathers in shallow waters near the shore. Splashing and reveling in its power, they are unaware of the mess, the complex entanglement of sinew and bone the surface hides. Two knees protrude to cool air above the sea held sturdy, creating the safety of a bay, perched upon two distorted hips bent by light. They inspire illusion, an escape, a dream apart from the day but related to it somehow. Two cavities hidden beneath sandbar ribs, diastolic and even, simultaneously subdued, gently fill and empty with hot damp air, careful not to disturb the flat water table or the picture, the simple line where wet meets dry. Swaying phosphorescent
sea grass reflects the sun spreading its light about in glints and flashes bringing day down to the small forlorn fish that live there. The complicated weave of blades, the leaves, flow in unison, interdependent but like in movement. They are each shallowly rooted in thick silt on two able arms fastened, by cleat hitch, to dusty shoulders protruding from the warm invitation. Both add to the image, the vacation spot where people, tired from the ho-hum particulars of their everyday, go to forget. In the cove, created there by towering joints—knees, shoulders—and held
Creative Arts
The Bather
in its arms, they—the day, the dream—are safe. And he too, the Bather, is free to wind away to this place with his eyes open, perceiving, his mind closed but receiving the scene, so long as he does not disturb the picture; as long as his arms are still and straight he can float there at the surface with them, the bathers, safely in his bay.
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4 February 2008
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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There Will Be No Country for Juno
Another beautiful color illustration by Andrew Wilson
A Look at the 2008 Oscar Nominations for Best Picture By Leah McKissock
W
ith the 80th Annual Academy Awards just around the corner and the nominees for best picture being discussed all over the country, one may wonder what kind of factors lead to a film receiving a nomination for the award of highest achievement in cinema. Is it a matter of quality, box office success, intense performances, or having been released in Oscar season? What exactly is the Academy looking for when nominating films for such a highly coveted award? When you look at the five films nominated for best picture: Atonement, Juno, No Country For Old Men, Michael Clayton, and There Will Be Blood, there are patterns and similarities present in all of them. It’s no coincidence that all these films were released within the last three months of 2007, hence the term “Oscar season.” Michael Clayton was released in October, No Country For Old Men in November, and the remaining three in December. Conveniently close timed release dates to the Academy Awards are an implication that the nominations for best picture are somewhat premeditated. The production companies and studios obviously hold their
best films hostage until the end of the year as some sort of strategy to gain Oscar nominations. There have been some well-known criticisms of the Academy Awards such as a lacking of recognition for comedies and for awarding best picture to films that do not stand the test of time, but they completely overlooked the good movies released earlier in the year. Films that were released too far ahead of this Oscar season like Zodiac, Superbad, Black Snake Moan, and The Darjeeling Limited were definitely put at an unfair disadvantage. All four of those films are much more memorable than Atonement, that’s for sure, and it sucks that these great films were completely forgotten or considered unworthy of Oscars. Another noticeable pattern for the best picture candidates this year is that all five of these films originally opened in theaters on limited release. It’s peculiar to think that people have to go out of their way to find a movie theater playing the films labeled as “the best of the year.” The reality is that the highest quality films are not the ones that most people go to see. The top five highest grossing domestic films of 2007 were Spider-Man 3, Shrek 3, Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix, none of which got a nomination for best picture. These five films made 9 to 10 times more money in the box office than the two leading Academy Award contenders (No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood both tied with 8 nominations). If these films are the best of the year, are receiving the most nominations, and are premeditated by their studios as
Oscar bait, why are they coming out on limited release and why aren’t people seeing them as much as Spider-Man 3? With independent films integrating themselves into mainstream cinema in the last 15 to 20 years, it’s actually been a huge step for them to get nominated for the Academy Awards at all. Before a couple decades ago, major studios such as Paramount, Universal, and Columbia released practically all the films nominated for best picture. Ever since the mid-‘90s, when movies like Sling Blade, Shine, and Good Will Hunting started getting nominated by the Academy, it seemed that we started to see independent films get the Oscar nod much more often. Hopefully the recent involvement of the Oscars with independent film only helps to create more buzz and public interest in them. It already seems to have made a noticeable difference in the box office. Juno is this year’s Little Miss Sunshine, becoming the “little film that could” get to the Oscars. Juno has had an incredible amount of success having been made for only $7 million and then making over $100 million in the box office thus far. It certainly makes me happy that small, underdog films are starting to get a huge leg up in the movie world. Surely there are many bogus qualities to the Academy Awards, but for the most part the Academy seems to know what they’re doing and in result give their awards to the people who really should be rewarded. Of course you can see for yourself on Sunday, February 24th televised live on ABC at 5 p.m. directly from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. You might even learn about a film that you have never even heard of!
You Mean You Haven’t Seen... The Way of the Gun The Way of the Gun starts out with Sarah Silverman calling the film’s protagonists (Mr. Parker played by Ryan Phillipe and Mr. Longbaugh played by Benicio Del Toro) a variety of vulgar names that don’t need to be repeated here. Her intention is to goad them into fighting her boyfriend and for them to get their asses kicked. Where most action movies would have the heroes of the story walk away or fight honorably, they instead punch Sarah Silverman’s harpy-queen in the face. Parker and Longbaugh then get jumped and beaten by a crowd, which would have happened even if they fought properly. The difference with these men is that they knew they had lost this fight from the instant Silverman opened her mouth. Instead of running or playing by their enemy’s rules, they decided to take his victory from him. They chose a different path from the rest of the world and got brutally pounded for it, as they should. This little sketch sums up the film in a nutshell. Uncompromising and unpleasant, but you can’t say it isn’t fun to watch. Longbaugh and Parker aren’t heroes, they aren’t even anti-heroes, they’re just bad men trying to make a living doing what they do best: Crime. The conflict erupts when they decide to kidnap the surrogate mother (Juliette Lewis) of a rich man and then to ransom her and the child back to the real parents. What they don’t know is that the child belongs to a crime family “fixer,” which means that he’s a very poor choice to ransom money from. The tension gets ratcheted up as we discover that every character has their own selfish agenda and is hiding something from the people they love (or claim to love). Even the pregnant mother has her
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own skeleton in the closet. Strangely, the only honest characters in the movie are the two egoless gunfighters, who have no qualms with being the bad guys. By the time all of the parties meet at a brothel south of the border, you know one thing: Longbaugh and Parker are doomed and their adventure can only end one way: In one of the best choreographed gunfights this side of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Despite the veneer of this being a crime drama, spiritually it’s a western in the mold of The Wild Bunch. And much like that old chestnut, it suffers from a slow second act. It also has some spotty dialogue here and there. All of that is ignorable due to the main plot being incredibly compelling. It’s like watching a car chase on TV. You know something bad is going to happen and you want to be there when it finally goes down. Unlike the car chase, The Way of the Gun rewards its viewer. Eventually all of the talking and scheming pays off in the third act when everything goes to Hell in a hand-basket. The Way of the Gun was written and directed by the writer of another crime drama classic: The Usual Suspects (as well as the upcoming Valkyrie). Despite the fact that it fell beneath the radar when it came out, The Way of the Gun is a flawed gem. I think the reason it bombed at the box office was because people were expecting an entirely different kind of crime movie than what it turned out to be. With that said, if you’re just expecting to watch a good movie, then The Way of the Gun shouldn’t disappoint.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
–By James Kislingbury
4 February 2008
[Comics]
Girly-Girl by Christopher Troutman
HARD
EASY
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
Koo Koo & Luke by Jesse Blake
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Sad Truth Comic by Ronnie Milkbone
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
Like Comics? Do Comics? Send ‘em to editor Victor Camba: yourestuckhere@gmail.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a
EASY
penguinincarnate@gmail.com
HARD
2 Girls 1 Comic by James Kislingbury
4 February 2008
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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VOLUME 62
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
See The Surreal Afterlife page 9
ISSUE 2
Area Kitten Contemplates Eternity
Ledger’s Death Leads to Lucrative TV Deals LIL’ ORPHAN RE-RE HARELIP
Headlines
Brad Renfro’s Ghost Jealous of Heath Ledger
Stolen Death Thunder: According to a friend, Brad’s mother called his son, dead two weeks past, to ask if he heard the news about the Brokeback Mountain star’s passing.
Super Bowel Party Goes Down As Planned
See I Iz in Hell page 2
With the Return of American Idol and Lost, I Can Finally Settle Back Into a Legally Neglectful Marriage By Todd Parish GRUNION AMERICAN GLEAM It has been a long Fall, people. The writer’s strike really screwed up my usual television watching regiment and, more importantly, the lone barrier between myself and the farce that is my marriage. As more and more networks began syndicating old television shows, my wife Cookie and I were forced to look at one another for the first time since that night the cable went out during one of those freak El Niño storms and we had to revert to Catch Phrase. So imagine my surprise this past October when, after watching another old Parker Lewis Can’t Lose episode on USA, I turned to the person sitting next to me, whom I had thought all this time to be my wife, and saw in her place a 250 pound beast of a woman: A specimen of rare disgust, a checkerboard of bed sores. Of course my first impulse was to knock this stranger the fuck out with the iron skillet I had lying on the ground from that night I felt adventurous and made a cheese omelette. I then did a little passing out myself after realizing this great blubbery crocodile was actually my once beautiful wife. Woe is me, right? Seriously. 200 pounds in 6 months. Right under my nose. What was I to do with this? Surely I couldn’t be seen with her in public. Despite my reliance on television for entertainment, nutrition, and erotic pleasure, I had remained a physical specimen, a cool 299 pounds (of muscle, or course). Cookie and I walking down the street together would be a site of carnival hilarity: The Alpha-Male with the Walrus Woman. I had found myself in quite the pickle. My Netflix account had long since expired (I had spent three consecutive monthly payments on ice cream sandwiches, a couple of Fleetwood Mac albums, and Preparation H, respectively), leaving me with nothing but reruns on the boob tube. There was simply nothing to distract me from my skeleton in the closet, or my hideous wife chained up in the laundry room, rather. The guilt was a nuisance at worst, but I just couldn’t get an erection from late night Girls Gone Wild commercials with Cookie’s sobs resonating from
Ol’ Todd Potato: Cousin of Joaquin “the Freebasin” Freemason.
down the hall. Over time I could see no other choice but to be cordial with her and, you know, reintroduce her back into society. We would be forced to go out to eat, to read books together, to partake in conversation, to bathe. That was until 2008 rolled around, and with it, the glorious, script-free-and-therefore-strike-proof American Idol. What a relief it was being able to settle back into the couch, my ass imprint still firm and true, with my old ball and chain by my side with a ball and chain strapped to her ankle as to prevent her from running off and exaggerating all the things that had been done to her over the last couple of months. I was home. This was indeed America. And then, if life couldn’t get any better, Lost made its triumphant debut this past Thursday. By that time, my moderately malnourished Cookie was starting to pull through, her coos and drools at the site of Jack and John Locke were tellings signs that my (admittedly stern) mid writer’s strike treatment of her would not have lasting effects on her psyche. That was relief number two, lemme-tellya. I hadn’t been to work since late October and any sort of medical expenses are a luxury at this point. But I can watch ER!
$600 Tax Rebate To Provide Thousands of Tramps with Stamps By Earl Grey GRUNION WARMONGER
grandpa_pear.jpg: So many terrible Google image searches led to this.
GOP Convention Ends in Game of Red Rover
WASHINGTON D.C. — Most American women under 25 who are eligible for the recently-approved $600 tax rebate will spend the extra money on lower back tattoos, according to an independent survey. These tattoos, called “tramp stamps” by many, due to the tendency for women with them to be raging hussies, stand to take up the majority of funds provided by rebate checks for women polled ages 18-25. “I can’t say we are surprised,” said Sandra Beetrain, representative for Embarrassing Truth L.T.D., the research firm responsible for this most recent embarrassing truth. “Everyone already knew no normal American youth was going to spend what is essentially free money from the government on anything of significance, let alone try and save it. I am sure if we were to poll a sample of young men they’d say they were planning on spending their rebate on useless things like Xbox 360s and baseball cards. Boys still like baseball cards, right?” But many young women were quick to refute claims that spending rebate checks on tramp stamps was a sign of stupidity. “Ow cuntrare,” said University of Virginia student and Alpha Chi Omega sister Ashleigh Corey, mispronouncing “au contraire.” “I think women getting tattoos on their back, on their wrist, on their feet, on their ass—all signs of a winning battle against women’s suffrage. There was a time when women weren’t allowed to have jobs, so they didn’t get to file taxes, so they didn’t get any tax checks back in the mail, so they weren’t able to get tattoos. Every time I see a pretty little butterfly or a heart or a rose or a fairy on any of my Alpha Chi Omega sister’s backs, I just smile to
Tic Tac Toe: Grunion editor regrets foursome.
myself and think how far we have come.” In light of the publishing of the poll’s results, lawmakers have reportedly gone into a state of panic. An emergency meeting of Congress was held Saturday night to discuss the effect a thriving tattoo industry would have on the nation’s sluggish economy. “We aren’t sure if [thousands of sluts spending money on shitty tattoos] will help or hurt the nation’s economy at this point,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “To be honest, we were hoping the tax rebates would trickle back down to our interest groups, but at least they aren’t planning on giving it away to charity.” Meanwhile, tattoo artists and fraternities across America are celebrating what is looking to be a very good year.
Disclaimer: The Grunion is now more than 3 decades old, and we have only become more debonair with age. But there is one thing that has not changed in our epic, occasionally violent history: We still are neither ASI nor GOP. The views and opinions explicitly stated or alluded to on this page still do not represent the views and opinions of the CSULB campus, nor do they necessarily adhere to the moral fabric of the writers. We do this to secure the cheap seats in the deeper, more satirical bowels of Hell, and because the elephant in the room is becoming a bit of a sass-mouth. Send rags to earlgrey@lbunion.com. Kublah Khan, bitches!