ISSUE 63.03 editorinbeef@gmail.com vince.union@gmail.com kathym.union@gmail.com
MATT DUPREE matt.dupree@gmail.com Senior Editor KATRINA SAWHNEY katrina.union@gmail.com News Director RACHEL RUFRANO rachel.union@gmail.com Opinions Editor VINCENT GIRIMONTE vince.union@gmail.com Sports Editor VICTOR CAMBA victorpc.union@gmail.com Comics Editor KATIE REINMAN reinman.union@gmail.com Creative Arts Editor MICHAEL VEREMANS scarf.union@gmail.com Creative Writing Editor SOPHISTICATED BEAR bear.grun@gmail.com Grunion Editor CAITLIN CUTT caitlincutt.union@gmail.com Literature Editor & PR JOE BRYANT joeb.union@gmail.com Entertainment Editor SEAN BOULGER seanb.union@gmail.com Music Editor & PR KATHY MIRANDA kathym.union@gmail.com Culture Editor CLAY COOPER, STEVEN CAREY Graphic Designers
JOE BRYANT Copy Editing Coordinator
KATRINA SAWHNEY Advertising Executive ALLAN STEINER Advertising Executive
LAST THURSDAY
VINCENT GIRIMONTE
T
he Freedom Tower, a hybrid memorial/commercial building set to rise where the World Trade Center once fell, is dreadfully behind schedule. Apparently we haven’t come together all that much. There are divisions on where to place the emphasis of the new building—as a memorial or a commercial enterprise. This is probably the most striking affirmation of 9/11’s farcical nostalgia, at least that I’ve recently encountered. I suppose we can blame Rudy Giuliani for all this, for convenience’s sake. One day, when he realized the 9/11 thing could turn a mean profit, it all took a turn for crazy town. The American Flag found a home on the lapel. We found ourselves together in a heap of patriotism and nationalism—both of which would quickly turn into a dose of fascism—and nobody stopped to check our pulse. Some laws were passed that changed the course of our country for likely the next two decades. It was an awesome show of political lubrication.
September Horoscopes By Tessah Schoenrock
clay.union@gmail.com katrina.union@gmail.com allan.union@gmail.com
JOE BRYANT On-Campus Distribution VINCENT GIRIMONTE Off-Campus Distribution ANDREW WILSON, ALAN PASSMAN, CHRISTINE HODINH, JESSE BLAKE, JAMES KISLINGBURY, RAQUEL MAIHOFER, DAVID HOOK, DOMINIC MCDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, RUSSELL CONROY, KEN C., BRIAN NEWHARD, ABRAHAM KIM, TESSAH SCHOENROCK, SERGIO ASCENCIO, CHRIS LEE, MICHAEL MERMESTEIN, KATRINA GUEVERA, SEAN BERNHOFT, MATT LINZMEIER, ABRAHAM KIM, KEVIN GRADY, VISHAL GOKLANI, ANDY KNEIS Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18
You have a shockingly good week ahead. Since everybody was much in the same state as you last Saturday, no one seems to remember you smearing peanut butter all over yourself and forcing fellow partygoers (and the dog) to lick it off.
PISCES Feb 19-March 20
All is well for you, Pisces, until you accidentally turn in the erotic story you’ve been working on instead of your English essay. Your professor randomly picks it out of the stack and reads it to the class, and you spend the rest of the week getting sloshed in the Nug, trying to forget the words “the muscles on Todd’s forearms rippled under the swath of blonde hair in the sunlight glinting off the haystacks...”
ARIES March 21-April 19
Awkwardness is the theme of the week for you. You get your Facebook invites confused and show up at the orthodox Greek church wearing anything but clothes, while your sorority sisters at Sachi wonder where the fuck you are.
TAURUS April 20-May 20
Your attempts at philanthropy backfire this week when you get wasted Thursday night and drive drunk to Jack in the Box, where you overdraw your bank account buying twenty cheeseburgers and proceed to walk the streets of Long Beach handing them out to the homeless.
GEMINI May 21-June 21
You get your fifteen minutes this week when your ex boyfriend drunk dials you from a party and informs you that the sex tape you guys made mysteriously appeared on collegefuckfest.com, and is being privately screened at the TKE house.
CANCER June 22-July 22
You are persuaded to get high before class on Thursday, and spend the entire hour-fifteen in a silent panic, struggling to fight off a giggle attack as you imagine the entirety of Jane Eyre being recited in a Cockney accent.
LEO July 23-Aug 22
The gods smile upon you when you find a bankroll of C-notes lying on the ground. Your luck abruptly changes, however, when the money ends up belonging to a local drug kingpin and you spend the rest of your weekend hunted by gang members.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22
Happy birthday, Virgo! You spend your birthday week in a cloud of coital bliss, as you gleefully enjoy fuck after fuck with the hottie from your Biology class. A word of advice: research your family tree a little more thoroughly next time.
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
You wake up in your bed covered in someone elses’ blood and surrounded by partially-thawed breakfast sausages. Your concern is only momentarily assuaged when you later remember willingly participating in a grotesque sex act involving a pint of sheep’s blood and elastic exercise bands.
SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
You deliver an award-worthy debate in your Comm class this week, and are on top of the world until you try to compose another speech and realize your oratory skills can only reach that level when you are under the influence of ketamine.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21
Your week takes a turn for the bizarre when your mother lets slip that she is not your biological parent and that you were actually bought as part of a bedroom set at Andy Dick’s garage sale. You spend the rest of the week obsessively searching the Internet for photos of him and comparing them to pictures of yourself.
CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19
The sale associates at AT&T are not impressed when you try to exchange your iPhone for a new one. FYI—taking two E pills and cracking your phone by dropping it on the pavement over and over again and then ultimately breaking it by trying to fill the cracks with glue is NOT covered by Apple warranty. UNION WEEKLY
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HILLARY CANTU
CLAY COOPER Internet Caregiver
LETTER FROM AN EDITOR
COVER ART
MIKE “BEEF” PALLOTTA Editor-In-Chief VINCENT GIRIMONTE Managing Editor KATHY MIRANDA Managing Editor
I saw a truck trolling both a Confederate Flag and an American Flag a few days after the attacks, like many in the small town up North where I’m from. I connected to that truck, not out of any sort of political affiliation, but I realized we were both confused, and I understood it then just as I do now. I don’t want to be affiliated with much of what this country has to offer. Bush talks about how 9/11 has united us in good versus evil. This was a setback. I don’t want to wag the finger here, as it’s neither fair nor productive, but we were briefly united without any pretense as to why. It cost us dearly. Maybe this is me trying to justify why I woke last Thursday morning wondering why the sun existed (really, somebody should look into it) and not where I was seven years previous. I was certainly there. Hell, I remember tearing up at school. It was rough. It was either this or a bunch of raunchy Sarah Palin jokes. I’m not sure why I went with this. School is back and you’re probably high. Nobody likes a downer. We interviewed Kaitlin Olson from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for this week’s feature. She wasn’t available for a picnic in the park, so the interview in which Joe Bryant becomes a man will have to suffice. Read it. The photos from last week’s feature, “Viva El Burrito,” were taken by Vishal Goklani. He was not credited for these photos, and for that we feel like assholes. People work pretty hard, and at the very least deserve some page recognition. Sorry, dude. We’ll make it up to you.
OPINIONS WHAT COMMUTERS NEVER SEE
GET ON THE BUS AND BE A LONG BEACH LOCAL MICHAëL VEREMANS
someone a ride to their car in return for a spot. Why don’t you stick around? Thousands of students every week stay on campus to pursue extra-curricular activities that serve their specific interests, many growing into resume boosters and job opportunities after college, not to mention generating friendships and a sense of community in this university. From the people turning time into vapor under the Baobab tree in the middle of campus,
Illustration
T
The bus is free and easy and fast. Take it. You just swipe your student ID and Long Beach is at your fingertips.
SINGLE WHITE FELINE
could handle me. They don’t take shit from anybody, but every now and then, when they forget to act cool, they’ll succumb to a dangling thread or anyone who’ll scratch their chin. Driving over to the animal pound, I could see our entire relationship like a slow motion montage: Bandini (the cat’s name, of course) jumping onto the kitchen counter while I wash the dishes, sunning in the window sill behind my couch, attacking my feet when I rub them together under my bed sheets, darting back and forth through the apartment while high on catnip. When the scene ended I walked past the cages in the shelter and before I could find the victim of this beautiful friendship, he found me. High atop his kitty tower, he followed me with his wide yellow eyes. With ears back and a pendulum tail, he screamed loudly at me. “Take me with you!” He beckoned—and I crumbled. An obese crazy, old cat-lady with gray, spiked hair and a green poncho (my future, mind you) walked up to interrogate me. She was a woman only a cat could love and when I came to terms with being a crazy catlady myself, I knew I was in the right place. But Bandini was not and still isn’t. He belongs with me, but remains in
his article is for everyone in Long Beach who doesn’t take the bus to school. Despite efforts on the part of various campus organizations, the alienation that most Long Beach students feel towards our campus persists in the commuter student psyche. Scrambling lines of people file back and forth from the overflowing parking lots, getting lost in the labyrinth of the parking structures, or offering to give
to the hundredsome members of the campus American Marketing Association chapter, there are thousands of people who spend their free time and their creative efforts on the CSULB campus. Every semester thousands of students get drunk for free on campus—really. Visit the art department, club
RACHEL RUFRANO
WHY GETTING A CAT IS THE ONLY CURE FOR LONELINESS AND A RAMPANT TERMITE INFESTATION RACHEL RUFRANO
Illustration KATIE REINMAN
When I come home to my new apartment, I drop my keys on the coffee table and fall over onto my bed and stare at the ceiling fan. The apartment is empty and fills with the ringing of silence. Being alone is convenient—the refrigerator is empty, my couch is small, I have termites, and the only thing I have to drink is gin; lots and lots of gin. It’s no place for company. My living arrangements are all fodder for danger, but I am, however, missing a partner in crime. When you’re alone, you go through books like medical pamphlets and cuddling could really make the experience less automatic. Watching television can be depressing— laughing out loud when no one is around can become sad and just a little creepy. Ordering a pizza for one just makes me feel grotesque and saying “goodnight” doesn’t make much sense if you know you’re just going to surf the Internet until you’re crosseyed anyway. When I consulted the wood-shavings and termite eggs, they quickly informed me that they hardly constituted for company and I knew I would need to gather some sanity—and a plan. The solution seemed so simple. All I needed was someone to lick my hair in the morning, someone to greet me at the door when I dropped my keys, someone to look me in the eye like I’m a complete idiot—someone to love me unconditionally. I should just buy one, I thought, and I rushed to the nearest animal pound. Why didn’t I think of it earlier? A cat is the only companion I could handle—or who UNION WEEKLY
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events, Soroptomist House, the University Art Museum, and so much more. You could be getting your student fees back in the form of Champagne at an evening seminar in the Academic Senate courtyard. We have an executive campus where thousands of students will sit on the new patio furniture in the courtyard of the Student Union while the Union pirate flag stares sarcastically at them. Don’t forget the rest of the city: muraled East Side, loud and lit Downtown, shopping in Belmont Shore, drinking on a porch in the Heights, Bixby Knolls, on a yacht in Alamitos Bay, all while those Olympian suburbanites on Signal Hill watch over us. Take the bus and look at this city: the shops on 4th St., with that LB beach-bum rockabilly chique and vintage furniture straight from a James Bond film. And as for all of the bars in this town—look at the ads in this paper for college night. Leave your house or dorm and take a bus to enjoy the Cambodian food off of 9th, home of Chhom Nimol, lead singer of LA’s own Dengue Fever, a Cambodian psychedelic band. Or the 1910’s original houses that constitute most of central Long Beach from the ghetto to the burbs, from the oil boom depicted in There Will be Blood. This is really a beautiful city with an indomitable character that rewards anyone that ventures onto the shopping district of 2nd St. to the bars on 3rd. What I’m trying to say here is the bus is free and easy and fast. Take it. You just swipe your student ID and Long Beach is at your fingertips. that shelter. For all I know, some other sad woman, less deserving than I, has taken him hostage and is enjoying real live-action montages of her own. You see, I have yet to convince my ever-absent roommate that Bandini is my soul mate; the only cure for my interminable PMS. The key to my heart is buried within this mysteriously funny creature and it perplexes me why anyone wouldn’t be amused at the thought of a fat, lazy animal cooling its body on the kitchen floor and moving for no one, filling the silence with the sweet aroma of kitty litter, and scratching up the arms of all their furniture. Plus, we wouldn’t have a termite problem anymore.
OPINIONS
Okay, I can’t resist it this week. I have to write about something, gasp, political. I fucking hate talking about politics: it is the ugliest and most disdainful topic possible. In general, most discussions about politics end up being competitions where each person vomits all the news tidbits they can manage on the other and whomever has the most to say wins. It’s boring and time-consuming and I blame CNN for convincing the culture that there isn’t a natural threshold of enough news. The reason I’ve come out of my shell is that there was a news article about two news anchors who’ve been pulled from their special election news duties and demoted to being regular news anchors on their regular news shows. The news has officially crawled up its own ass for stories. If you had any doubt to the complete impossibility of objective news, look on these works, ye mighty, and despair. Now most intelligent people have already figured out journalism’s dirty little subjective secret, but apparently there’s still enough doubt that a news network (MSNBC) had to offer up these demotions as sacrifices on the altar of bullshit neutrality. Now, I will concede that it would be possible to write entirely objectively, but it would be like reading a 3rd grade book report written by an exceptionally dull child. Now you might assail an outfit like Fox News for parading around that “Fair and Balanced” crap, but that’s their prerogative. As the premiere coddler of frightened old people who still somehow pine for the days of rampant polio epidemics, their audience really wouldn’t recognize a fact if it was one of their grandkids visiting them in the hospice shelter. And on the other side of the ideological aisle, I really have yet to see this flagrant liberal media that everyone’s so very contented to complain about. Although, much like the fabled WMD’s (ever notice how nobody uses that phrase anymore?), the liberal media bias doesn’t need to exist, it just needs to mentioned. Just like the phrase used to be “Liberal Hollywood” when the phenomenon of differing opinions could be blamed on a city, the “Liberal media” has now reached the end of its usefulness as blogs and more democratic forms of media have started to overshadow the impact of the usual news media. Go ahead, watch the O’Reilly Factor (you’ll actually feel yourself getting senile), he now uses the phrase “the far left.” Even Otherness needs a makeover once in a while. You see how I had to ultimately pick a side there? One side was inherently more ridiculous than the other, and if was going to be genuine I had to take the shot. Although, in my defense, my original argument was that MSNBC is a bunch of hypersensitive bean-counters. So here, let’s be fair: everyone’s opinions are invalid and ultimately we’re all going to be worm food. Now that’s equality.
WHAAA?! I DONT KNOW IF YOU’VE HEARD OF IT, BUT... JOE BRYANT
D
id you guys know that Coke comes in glass bottles? Ridiculous, I thought. “Glass-bottled Coca-Cola hasn’t been produced since we were fighting the Kaiser,” I said. But it’s true, the other day I partook of a delicious Coca-Cola in a glass bottle and it tasted way better than all of the other drinking mediums available to the Coke connoisseur. I know what you’re saying, “But Joe, glass-bottled Coca-Cola is the stuff dreams and wishes are made of!” Or, “They only make them for period films!” I was once foolish enough to believe this as well, but the other day I happened to be strolling through my neighborhood Ralph’s when I discovered a six pack of miniaturized glass-bottled Coke (I would say they were about half the size of the plastic Coke bottles most people are used to). Dismayed, I swept up the shiny vestibules of that brown sugar-water and, ever so gently, laid them in my cart. Glass-bottled Coke not only tastes better than plastic-bottled Coke, but it makes you feel better about yourself. Immediately after drinking one of the tiny bottles I felt livelier, as though there was some sort of energy-inducing drug laced with its delicious contents. Crazy, I know, but I wouldn’t lie to you, dear reader, about such a magical sensation. It’s true, glass-bottled Coke is rejuvenating and it is actually incredibly healthy
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON SUCKING WHY YOU’LL NEVER GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH MATT LINZMEIER
Remember last Christmas when you loaded up on Starbucks cards to gift out to your family, friends, and hair dresser? Well, the suits at Starbucks are laughing their pasty asses off at you for being such a guileless twit, and they’re wiping away their happy tears with your money. In America, cash is seldom deemed a culturally appropriate gift, but somehow a restricted monetary substitute is dandy. By championing a specific retailer, we get off the hook for not caring enough about a person to give a real gift. “There’s lots of shit I can buy in a Target store, thanks buddy!” Most gift cards used to be subject to incremental depreciation, but corporations have been quick to discover that the rewards of issuing cards are far too great to dissuade buyers with fine print. Almost every
instance of a card’s usage works in the issuer’s favor. Selling a $25 gift card typically represents a greater sales figure than $25, as the gift recipient is unlikely to make a purchase that precisely equals the card value. Often the card owners won’t know a card’s balance. They then visit a business with a card that is nearly or wholly depleted, but by then the holder is already in the store and making purchases. And perhaps the worst part of this masochistic mess is the amount of gift card capital that goes unspent. Rightfully regarded as an inferior currency, gift cards are more readily neglected, destroyed, or simply misplaced than cash. Based on data from various earning reports, it is estimated that roughly 10% of all gift card funds go unspent, which means Americans are spending upwards of $8 billion dollars each year on pretty plastic cards. The gift card model is anti-consumer and should be avoided by anybody with any kind of regard for economics or their friends. This coming holiday season, or really anytime you want to give someone a gift, please ponder, just for a moment, who exactly you’re getting a gift for. UNION WEEKLY
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RACHEL RUFRANO
MATT DUPREE
Illustration
THEY PUT COKE IN A GLASS BOTTLE?!
for one to consume. That’s just scientific fact. I drank it and felt better—you can’t dispute that. I’m considering not only taking up exercising regularly because of the energy glass-bottled Coke provides me with, but replacing all other liquids in my life with it because of the great feeling it elicits. After discussing my discovery with friends, they tried to tell me I was “retarded” and “fucking retarded,” but I knew better. Despite their apparent disbelief I am sure they were just overreacting. I know my friend David believed me, because he spoke of a rumor the likes of which legends are formed. Apparently, deep within the recesses of Mexico, if you look hard enough you can find the glass bottles not only full-sized, but infused with real sugar; not the man-made shit they shovel into American Coca-Cola. I’m not sure how accurate this is, but I plan to drive south and find out for myself. If there’s a Coca-Cola that tastes even better than the mini glass bottles I discovered at Ralph’s the other day, I have to find it. There’s no going back to plastic bottles now. I don’t really know how I lived without the little fuckers for so long. They’re just so damn good. So much better than the crap most people drink every day. When my grandfather told me that coke used to taste better back in his day, I never believed him. I wish he was still here so I could apologize and tell him that he was right all along. Loosen your blindfolds next time you’re at the grocery store. Move subpar drinks to the side and, if you’re lucky like me, you’ll never go back.
OPINIONS THREE WAYS TO INSTIGATE A BREAK UP
WHEN YOU’RE TOO AFRAID TO JUST TELL HER IT’S OVER KEVIN GRADY
T
he fall semester always seems to begin with a bang; overabundance of drinking so you have a valid excuse to tell your friends why you slept with a fat chick, blogging on the m-space 24/7 about useless shit no one cares about, and, of course, breaking up with your loved one. Yes, time to dump that old bag of shit that has been trailing behind you since god knows when and sucking more out of your wallet than of your goodies. Based on recent experience, I have formulated three ways to pussyfoot a breakup. I remember during my first semester of college my counselor optimistically told me that around 3/4 of relationships end during the summer of the first year of college. That got me thinking about all my friends that got dumped or dumped their girlfriends/ boyfriends during the summer. I was lagging behind. The only problem was I wasn’t sure how I should approach this break up. So, I compiled a list of ways
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that I could break up with my girlfriend while still feeling good about myself. 1.) The “Dedication” method: Dedicate a song known for its catchy tunes and ‘you mean nothing to me anymore’ lyrics on the radio, at a club, or anywhere with an audience—I recommend a song that is blunt and eases him/her into the break up mood. For example, Eamon’s song, “Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)” gets your message across perfectly. The club is an ideal location to take her for the break up. Once they have listened to the song, start dancing with another girl/guy to show that you mean business. If she/he is a sport, they will start dancing with another girl/guy too and forget about you. Unfortunately, not everyone is a sport. If they take offense to the method, your night could end in three possible ways: a.) Getting embarrassingly yelled at in front of a huge crowd, which is the ultimate cock block for the rest of the night, b.)Acquiring a black eye, c.)Waking up in a gutter next to a Babies R’ Us—naked—with the words “will work for oral sex” written in sharpie all over your chest. This has never happened to me. 2.) The Birthday Break Up: As a present, hand him/her a card with a picture of two adorable kids holding hands on the front cover. Inside the card write, “I’m breaking up with you” and have a dollar bill attached; it’s common courtesy to give her something, after all, it’s her birthday for chrissakes. And if you want to be classy, which I strongly advise you do, send the card with either flowers or a singing telegram. This way she/he won’t be so pissed and throw salt all over your lawn. The only problem with the “birthday break up” is it has to be his/her birthday
and you have to spend money on a card. So if you are cheap like me, let me provide you with the less risky and cheap alternative. 3.) The “MySpace” method: I recently did this with my ex-girlfriend. MySpace was created to facilitate the break up process. It’s simple to use and there are various ways one can use MySpace as the third party. First, one can write a cliché letter or one can even get creative. For example, you can send a message that you have Parkinson’s disease, the best disease to shake off a girl—literally. Assuming that she/he is a selfish ass, they probably won’t want to deal with you anymore or may think, “Wow, what a pathetic excuse to break up with me,” and would no longer see you as a person anymore. In my opinion, if you are going to break up on MySpace might as well not half-ass being a wimp; just change your relationship status to single and stop talking to him/her. This does not involve wasting time and effort. You can even do it from your phone during: work, school, or while talking to him/her. Afterwards, add all her hot friends along with some myspace porn star bots to gain self-esteem points. With this all said, the best of luck to you moving on with your dubiously successful life without feeling you have lost all of your dignity. And do not feel bad about the break up. I mean, realistically, she/he will probably just end up naked under the sheets of your best friend’s bed the following day. I hope this comes in handy. And if she ends up still wanting to be with you after attempting all three steps, curl your hand into a fist and hit yourself in the face because you somehow managed to fuck things up real bad.
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Your average run-of-the-mill crow, the kind that line up on the tops of houses in the suburbs, are really intelligent and they exhibit some interesting learned behavior. As you can probably imagine, crows living in the city have to go about feeding themselves in an entirely different manner than crows living in the countryside. In urban Japan, crows have developed a particularly clever method of filling their bellies using traffic to their advantage: they take walnuts with them to the tops of street lights, drop the nuts in front cars waiting at the intersection, and collect their bounty when the coast is clear. As it turns out, using traffic to do their dirty work isn’t a crow’s most impressive cognitive faculty—according to a recent article in the New York times, crows are also capable of differentiating human faces. Researchers at the University of Washington have determined that, along with being able to simply recognize human faces, crows hold grudges against faces with whom they associate negative feelings or events and pass along their negative views to other crows in the area. The research team, led by Dr. John Marzluff, used various masks to show that it was the faces that triggered different behavior in the crows—designating a caveman mask as a negative mask and a Dick Cheney mask as a neutral mask. Researchers wore the negative mask while they trapped and banded crows and received markedly different responses from the crows later on, depending on which mask they were wearing. As was expected, the “negative” mask elicited an angry response while the neutral mask received no reaction. A participant in a similar studies illuminates these findings, saying that “the birds,” when confronted by the dangerous mask, “were really raucous, screaming persistently… it was clear they weren’t upset about something in general. They were upset with me.” What does this all mean? For the crows, it means that quick judgments can be made and passed on to other members of the flock, giving them an edge over potential threats and punishing false positives only with a negligible amount of wasted time and energy. The nuances of the human face, and the fragility of the faculties humans use to perceive differences between faces, suggests two things: a crow’s cognitive abilities might be more complex than what was previously thought and that crow evolution has been closely tied with human evolution.
THE T.H.C. INITIATIVE
A TAKE ON THE INALIENABLE RIGHTS ENFORCEMENT INITIATIVE MICHAEL VEREMANS
P
eople, the debate on the legalization of marijuana is reaching a head. This November, election season, we may have the chance to vote on a wide-reaching bill to legalize marijuana in California in an unprecedented way: complete decriminalization of marijuana for people age 18 and over. Besides just being a call back to the hippy legalization laws that began to hit the legislative floor during the 1970s, this bill establishes cannabis as an essential commodity in the California economy. Independence from marijuana prohibition has been gathering steam with the Libertarian up-swing, politicians like Ron Paul, Ralph Nader, and Schwarzenegger (though not explicitly), developing from a stoner pipe-dream to a legally lifted reality. This initiative draws on the unconstitutionality of illegalizing marijuana and hemp, seeking to restore civil rights to the people who have been convicted of marijuana offenses, while guaranteeing the right of all adults to reap the medical and recreational benefits of the herb. Beyond marijuana’s inherent constitutionality, it would also provide a significant economic and fiscal boost for the state of California. Tax revenues of $1 per gram have estimated up to $2.5 billion in tax revenue for the state, including sparing of public funds for marijuana related law
enforcement projects that weight out to nine digits giving local government more than enough incentive to push the legalization through. To follow Nobel-Prize winning economist Milton Friedman in calling for the legalization of marijuana, all you need to know is that 40% of Americans have tried cannabis, and millions are daily smokers. Quite the market by any capitalist sense of the word—a boon to California economy, the breadbasket of contemporary America. But, it should be noted that the initiative is not just a hasty bill being pushed through for show. It calls for the retroactive dropping of marijuana charges, the distribution of the revenue from marijuana taxes to specific programs (i.e. education), as well as the establishment of marijuana regulation boards. And this is where the bill falls short of Libertarian desire. While broad legalization would be a huge step for civil and personal rights, it would put the regulation of marijuana, which was typically in the hands of dedicated growers, sellers, and buyers, to another institutional bureaucracy. Although its far-reaching, decriminalization saves marijuana production from falling into the hands of the profiteering pharmaceutical companies and puts it into the hands of government regulators. Hopefully the people that sign up for that job are cannabis enthusiasts of the highest degree. Another drawback is the artificial drawing of an age for legal consumption at 18. With constant attempts to lower the age for alcohol, the legalization of marijuana will make punishment for under-aged smokers exponentially more severe, as well as cut into the already floundering macrobreweries’ profit margin. Despite these facts, it would be an incredible step, akin to European Socialist Utopias in personal and economic freedom, for the best state in the Union. Find the initiative and sign it, and when it comes up on the November ballet, vote Yes on the Inalienable Rights Enforcement Initiative.
NOT EVEN BRADBURY CAN SAVE YOU
A BELOVED BOOKSTORE GOES UNDER AND IT’S ONLY THE FIRST KATRINA SAWHNEY
Long Beach has endured an extended mourning period over the closing of Acres of Books and we’ve been in great literary company. Ray Bradbury has been the highest profile mourner at the soon to be gravesite of Acres, but not even his support could pull the tides of change. It’s not getting any easier to come to grips with, but the end is in sight. The store’s official closing date was recently announced and is set for October 18th. After 75 years of providing us with our beloved fix of dust and smug satisfaction of shopping at a used bookstore we will schedule our farewells. When Acres first moved into it’s current location in the
1940s it was surrounded by the tattoo parlors, bars, dance halls—must hit points of their demographic; sailors on shore leave. Jackie Smith, one half of the adorable husband and wife owners team, said that she knew “[the neighborhood] would eventually catch up with us.” The neighborhood did, but now it seems to have outgrown it’s humble roots and has no room for the likes of Acres. Downtown Long Beach has been in a constant state of expansion while simultaneously trying to maintain the “Historic Downtown” charm of the city by the sea. The city’s objective is to unite the downtown area with the East Village Arts District. Acres is a “necessary sacrifice” and is slated to become an urban redevelopment project. Really, that’s just some fancy talk for apartments and art galleries. Acres of Books’ closing appears to be just the first of many small businesses to fall to the grander scheme of Long Beach. The regrettable sentiments are echoed in the words of coowner, Phil Smith, “If we would have been able to hold on, we would have probably been here until we turned to dirt.” UNION WEEKLY 15 SEPTEMBER 2008
KATIE REINMAN
SEAN BERNHOFT
NEWS
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NEWS YOU SHOULD KNOW, BUT DON’T
SPORTS SPORTSWEEK: A WEEK OF SPORT VOLLEYBALL IS BACK, AS IS DRINKING WITH YOUR COACH VINCENT GIRIMONTE Volleyball vs. Santa Clara Walter Pyramid Friday, September 18, 7pm Women’s Volleyball went away for a while, right as we were beginning to hit it off. This Friday, love is rekindled inside the ‘Myd when Coach Brian Gimmillaro and company play their first of two matches against Santa Clara. But the 49ers did make good use of their time away from home, losing just one of six matches on the road. The first stop was Florida, with matches against Florida St., Florida A&M, and Florida, then three matches in New England at the Harvard Invitational. A point of interest: this is the second sport in which we’ve beaten Harvard three to nil. We can rib them for that when they’re our bosses. We, the esteemed of the volleyball press, tend to focus on the big outside hitters—the Ferraris of the volleyball world. But if an identity is being established early, beyond an affinity for winning, it could be LBSU’s defense. Senior Iris Murray and Sophomore Ashley Lee have been dominant picking the ball off the hardwood, and when things go to plan, getting it to setter Nicole Vargas who leads the team with 392 assists. With that said, nobody is disappointed with the play of outside hitters Quincy Verdin and Caitlin Ledoux. Ledoux, just a freshman, leads the team in kills at 118, closely followed by Verdin. Though early, it would appear we’ve found a capable combo from the outside. There are plenty of things to do on Friday, and most of these activities can be commenced at a later time. While
we don’t condone inebriation at sporting events here at the UW, we certainly condone implying it. Do as you will.
Basketball Meet-and-Greet O’Malley’s on Main, Seal Beach, Wednesday, September 17, 6-7:30pm Everybody’s favorite bar to write about, O’Malley’s on Main, will host a LBSU Basketball Meet and Greet Wednesday night, where the smart drunk will ask Dan Monson to buy a round for every victory in 2007-2008. The Weekly Wednesday Basketball Tour will hopefully get those involved drunk enough to forget last season, as few would argue that 2007-2008 was dismal for both basketball programs: “Monson’s Maniacs” went 625, and Coach Mary Hegarty’s women’s squad went 9-20. Of course the frustration was compounded by the year previous, when the men’s team won the Big West title with experience at most positions and a guard named Aaron Nixon. But 2007 was, for all intents and purposes, a year of growth. Barring some mutation in the natural progression of things, basketball will undoubtedly get better at The Beach. For Monson, it all starts with Donovan Morris. The frontrunner for Big West Player of the Year honors was pretty much the highlight of last year, but this time around his support will have some sort of notion of how to play. Greg Plater for instance, a sophomore point guard, and Stephen Gilling, a transfer from Colorado State, will both be called upon to compliment Morris. And the 49ers add Mike Vantrimpont as well, a seven-footer from Manhattan Beach who has been playing basketball in France for the past two years. Rumors of this guy being legit are already floating around in copious amounts. It’s the same story for the ladies, but with more wiggle room for optimism. They return Karina Figueroa, All-Big West Second Team, and sophomore LaTorya Barbee who impressed many as a freshman. All together they return four starts and twelve letter-winners. And if you’re not a hoops fan, surely you can help the coaches drink away the memories of last year.
THE BUSH LEAGUER Dirtbag Evan Longoria returned to the Tampa Bay Rays’ lineup on Saturday after a month on the bench with a broken wrist. With October looming, we’re all looking forward to another MLB playoffs with a Dirtbag playing a prominent role, like that of Troy Tulowitzky’s just a year ago. Joe Buck pausing to give props to Long Beach State on national T.V. makes sitting through his Red Sox jerk sessions almost bearable. News from the Praireland: Oklahoma City Thunder tickets are selling like spiced lattes. Seattle’s former NBA franchise has absconded with the team, found an energized fan-base and are well on their way to becoming the most-wickedly relevant thing in Oklahoma City since Merle Haggard came to town, as evident by season tickets selling out in five days. It’s unfortunate the franchise settled upon the name “Thunder,” however. I suppose the name becomes rosier when compared to the second choice, which was Oklahoma City Wind. We named my soccer team the Thunder back when I was nine, and have since met dozens of kids who’ve played for a youth team by the same name. I’m not sure where this is going but I really hope they serve orange slices at halftime. This year’s Ryder Cup team is about as inspiring as canned beets. Ben Curtis, Boo Weekly, and even too tall for his own good Stewart Cink are the nice guys who keep losing. Something is missing and I’m not referring to Tiger Woods, who is probably glad he won’t be a part of another debacle. This team needs a “Redeem Team” type marketing plan, and if not that, an abandonment of gentlemanly conduct. Fuck, I don’t care anymore. Cheat. Hide some pot in Padraig Harrington’s golf bag. Chop off Miguel Angel Jimenez’s ponytail. Inquire about the whereabouts of Jean Van de Velde. Anything.
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Jim Tressel takes us all to third-base yet again as USC dismantles his Buckeyes 35-3. Oh, the poor fans of Columbus. Now they know how most of Cleveland feels: cheap and used. On the bright side, this might be considered a “down year” for the Ohio St., and yet they’ll be playing in the Rose Bowl come January if ESPN has their way. Pete “2nd chance” Carroll’s defense held Ohio St. to just 200 yards of total offense, and is probably more dangerous than the area surrounding the Coliseum.
ANDREW WILSON
SHOT OF THE WEEK: Kristen Kiefer scores her fourth goal of the year in the first half of LBSU’s victory 3-0 over BYU. It was also the first Gold Game, meaning athletes from other sports teams filled the stands and harassed Mormonism’s basic principles. A fight broke loose when Steve Young showed up to root for his estranged daughter. No injuries reported. UNION WEEKLY
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The Bush Leaguer would like to apologize to Tom Brady and Vince Young, the two quarterbacks mentioned in last week’s column. Brady is out for the season with a knee injury and Vince Young is on suicide watch. No jokes here—I’ve done enough. I would also like to extend a preemptive apology to this week’s group for any sort of trauma TBL might cause. I’m still learning the scope of my powers. VINCENT GIRIMONTE
ENTERTAINMENT
THE WORST PEOPLE ON TELEVISION WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY JAMES KISLINGBURY
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man arrives at his friend’s house on a bright Tuesday morning to borrow a basketball. When he gets to his friend’s apartment, he is told by his friend that he just found out that he has cancer. There’s a brief, awkward pause before the man insists on borrowing the basketball—he’s on a schedule you see. For the next couple of minutes, the cancer-ridden man tries to connect with his friend about what could be a terminal illness, but the other guy just really wants to get his basketball and go. And that is one of many reasons why It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best comedy on television. If you at least grinned at the poorly described scene, you’ll love this show. If you didn’t laugh, then what the hell is wrong with you? You got something against comedy? The fourth season premieres this Thursday on FX at 10 o’clock, which means that, more than likely, you have very little time to catch up on the greatest thing to happen to cable since cowboys started saying “cocksucker” on HBO. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a comedy about despicable people, the kind of people that would, on any other show, be the antagonists. The show focuses on the exploits of four friends, Charlie, Mac, Dennis, Dee, and
Frank, Dennis and Dee’s father. Each of the characters are ignorant, selfish people, but they’re all ignorant and selfish in their own, special way. Charlie is the butt of the group’s jokes as an illiterate man-child with an obsession with a nameless coffee shop waitress. Mac is probably the most sincere of the group and yet, despite his faith in God and eagerness to please, this rarely ever seems to cause him to make the right decision. Dennis is a vain, From the left: Charlie Day (Charlie), Kaitlin Olson (Dee), Danny DeVito (Frank), Glenn self-obsessed pretty boy and Howerton (Dennis), and Rob McElhenney (Mac). full-blown narcissist who feeds off of the praise of others. “Sweet Dee,” the twin Charlie has, except that she is in love with Dennis, who sister of Dennis, often serves as the counter-point to the couldn’t care less for her. The O’Poyles are fantastic as boys’ insane schemes before revealing herself to be just well. If the main characters cause you to cringe because as petty and maniacal as they are—if a bit prettier. of their abhorrent life choices, then the O’Poyles will As good as the first season of the show is, it really didn’t make you cringe because, well, they’re a family of unihit its stride until Danny Devito joined the cast as Frank brow sporting freaks that like to “shower in each other’s Reynolds, the least capable father on television. The man piss.” Trust me, it’s funnier than it sounds. makes Homer Simpson look like Andy Griffith. Frank fits The humor of the show centers around the fact that in perfectly on the show often making up stories, gambling no one ever responds to a problem like a sane person with extras from The Deer Hunter, denying paternity and would. Instead of seeing a dumpster baby as a tragedy, the just being an all-around abominable person. gang sees it as a way to blackmail a spurned love. Instead The show also has a small but precious cast of reoc- of comforting a friend who may have been molested, the curring characters that always liven up the screen. The twins see it as a way to use their psychology degrees. Each nameless waitress that Charlie pines after serves as the episode operates as a kind of miniature tragic-comedy, center of the show’s best episodes. This is because she where everyone but the characters on screen know how has the same kind of illogical, self-destructive love that badly—and how hilariously—everything is going to end.
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ecently I was able to chat with Kaitlin Olson, one of the brazen stars of the show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. You may not know who she is, but you should. Kaitlin isn’t your typical TV pretty girl; instead of being a shallow bitch that dabbles in crack and coke, she just plays one on TV. The show was born after series creator Rob McElhenney and his friend Glenn Howerton made a short sketch that managed to impress the folks at FX enough to get them a pilot episode. After bringing on friend Charlie Day, the trio set off to pen and star in their own show. Rob plays Mac, Glenn plays Dennis, Charlie plays Charlie, and Kaitlin is Dennis’ twin sister “Sweet Dee.” They, along with Danny DeVito as the twins’ dad, band together to form the most hateful, ignorant assholes ever to assemble anywhere—and they’re damn fun to watch. It’s Always Sunny became a cult hit and has been steadily growing in popularity thanks to dead-on satire that hits topics ranging from dumpster babies to Nazism. Not to mention that it’s always cool when you get to hear the word ‘shit’ on cable. Union Weekly: How’s the fourth season been coming along? Kaitlin Olson: The fourth season ended last Tuesday and it was awesome. Very, very funny. Very fun. Lots of really good stuff. Definitely went up in quality this year. UW: What was it like when you first joined the cast? I know it’s kind of an all boys’ club environment. Kaitlin: You know, it’s not a boys’ club in the sense of that phrase, it just happens to be three guys. But it was really amazing when I joined the cast, because right from the audition I think that we could see that we all had the same sense of humor. So we all went out to dinner the night I got cast as Dee and we had a great time and we all got along really well. It’s really awesome, it really is a dream job. I feel like I just found three people that I connect with really well and three people to collaborate with and make a funny show. UW: I know you’ve acted on shows like Significant Others and Curb Your Enthusiasm that rely on improv a lot. Do you guys do a lot of improv on It’s Always Sunny or do you mainly stick to the script? Kaitlin: You know, the guys spend four months out of the year writing really amazing scripts, so when they come to me they’re very funny. But we do—by nature of us being friends and having a similar sense of humor— we do play around a lot. It kind of keeps it fresh and gives it that dynamic that I think you can pick up on. It’s an energy that I think you can feel when you watch [the show]. Sometimes we’re talking shit or snapping at each other a little bit or you’ll see one of us start to kinda smile and that scene might end up in a joke. You can kind of tell that we’re playing around, improvising. So yes, we do some of that, but I will say that it is very well scripted by the time it gets to me. UW: Because it’s so well-scripted, do you ever feel like you’re stepping on anyone’s toes when you’re doing improv, or is it a pretty much “anything goes” environment? Kaitlin: No, of course I want to be really respectful of the stuff they’ve written. Sometimes I’ll just add something or I’ll just switch out a word or two, but y’know, I feel comfortable with them and they trust me. So, I wouldn’t do a brand new skit just to start fucking up the script.
But they think I’m funny, they give me the freedom to do whatever. And if it ends up that what I’m trying doesn’t work they’ll look the other way. It’s nice enough that you feel comfortable playing around for sure. UW: Have you ever considered writing or are writing duties mainly going to be done by Rob McElhenney and the rest of the gang? Kaitlin: You know, they do a great job writing. I feel really confident with the way the character has developed over the past four years. Writing isn’t one of my favorite things to do. I did the Groundlings [comedy group] for a really long time and I wrote a ton of sketch comedy and the part I enjoyed about that was being able to write something that I was going to be able to perform, but performing is the part that I enjoy. I mean, I’m really lazy, y’know, and I prefer someone else doing all the work and me just coming in and being funny [laughs]. UW: I remember hearing that when Dee was first written she was going to be the counter to the guys’ craziness and you’ve evolved as the show’s progressed into being just as awful of a person as everyone else— Kaitlin: Aw, thanks! [laughs] UW: Yeah, no problem. Did that come about after you were cast in the show? Kaitlin: No, well, that’s why I took the show. We had a lot of conversations, Rob McElhenney and I, we had a lot of conversations about the fact that I thought the show was hilarious, and I thought it was unique, and I hadn’t seen anything like it before and I was really interested in being a part of it, but I was not interested in being the straight man or the go-to voice of reason because it’s not as fun. When they offered me the job, we had a lot of conversations about where this character was gonna go and they promised me that they did want to make Dee an equally funny character, an equal part of this team. They just hadn’t thought of it yet, because it was three of them writing for themselves, so of course they focused on their own characters. That makes sense to me. They just needed to find someone that could bring something to it and then he promised that he would start to write for me once he figured out what my strengths were and what things I found funny and like to do. And they absolutely came through on that, I think they’ve really done an awesome job and I’m really grateful.
can make a lot of judgments, but you won’t really know what our show’s about. If you watch it, you realize that what we’re doing is making fun of these characters. We’re making fun of people who are narrowminded and stupid and lazy and racist. We’re never actually making fun of abortion or developmental disabilities or racial issues—we’re making fun of racists. Y’know what I mean? If you actually watch the show and you’re a smart person, I think that you’d have a hard time saying that our show was mean. But, of course, if people want to be upset by it, they’re definitely going to find a way to be upset by it. But I just think it’s funny, I’m bored with the same topics that you see over and over in most halfhour shows and that’s why I was intrigued by this one. It’s shocking, but I wouldn’t say that we’re going for shockvalue, I would say that we’re going for stuff that makes us laugh. UW: Season three just came out on DVD. Are there any cool special features that fans of the show can look forward to? Kaitlin: Yeah, there’s lots of behind-the-scenes stuff and question-and-answer stuff. There’s not as much of a background as there was on the first DVD because it was our first DVD, so that’s where you got a lot of inside information, but there’s certainly a lot of—yeah of course, there’s a lot of stuff on there. And I also really love that season. Season three was my favorite out of the first three and I think season four might top it for me in terms of being my favorite. But I really love season three so I think it’s a good DVD to get.
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Glenn Howerton (right) plays Dennis, the narcissistic brother to Kaitlin Olson’s Sweet Dee (above).
UW: Have you guys ever gotten any shit for the off-color humor that the show has, particularly with episodes like “Charlie Wants An Abortion?” The show covers a lot of subject matter that’s controversial, but you guys tackle it evenly and make fun of everyone. Kaitlin: No. I think if you just look at the titles of our episodes, or if you just hear what the show’s about you UNION WEEKLY
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Rob McElhenney (left, about to kick your teeth in) plays Mac on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia alongside Danny DeVito (below). UW: It does seem to get progressively funnier every single time, which you really wouldn’t expect because it’s already funny as hell. Kaitlin: Thank you, I really think that they’ve hit their stride and [Rob McElhenney, Glenn Howerton, and Charlie Day] kind of figured out our system and I really do feel like it’s getting better and better. Hopefully when we reach a point where it starts to get boring we’ll stop, because we don’t want to do it just to do it. We want to make [the episodes] all really funny and interesting. I think we’re finding a lot of new, fun, creative ways to do that. In this coming up season that we just finished, we do a musical episode based on the “Day Man” song that you heard last year. It’s a whole musical based around Day Man and Night Man this year. UW: That’s awesome. I was actually going to ask you if there was going to be an adaptation of “Day Man” as a feature film, who would you cast? Kaitlin: [laughs] Once you hear Glenn Howerton sing that song again, I think you’ll agree that you wouldn’t want to cast anyone but Glenn Howerton. UW: Fair enough. Does Dee’s fear of the elderly stem from your own? Kaitlin: Fear of the elderly. [laughs] No, though I did enjoy coming up with ways that one might be afraid of old people. My favorite was talking about the translucent skin and all the veins underneath. [laughs] But like, that’s ridiculous, because that’s… I don’t know. No, I’m not afraid of old people. I think that they’re lovely. Unless they’re assholes. Then I hate them. UW: When Dee gets old is she going to fear herself? Kaitlin: I think with Dee’s problem of being so accident-prone, I doubt she’s ever really going to get that old. She’ll probably die pretty young.
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UW: What was it like being directed by Kevin from The Wonder Years? UNION WEEKLY
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“If you actually watch the show and you’re a smart person, I think you’d have a hard time saying that our show was mean.” Kaitlin: [laughs] It’s been good, he’s not a little boy anymore, but he really still acts like it. He’s heavier. I joke with him that he looks like he ate Kevin. He looks like an adult man who ate Kevin, adorable Kevin. Fred Savage is awesome. He directed six episodes this year and I believe he’s my favorite director, so far—total in my life—that I’ve been directed by. He’s awesome. If he thinks the show’s funny, he laughs. He makes me laugh. He’s just a lot of fun to work with. UW: What are the scenes that you get most excited to film before you actually start shooting? Kaitlin: The ones where I get really loud and really ugly. Any drugs or alcohol scenes are really fun for me. UW: You’re probably one of the better drunks on television. Kaitlin: Thank you very much. I’ve had a little bit of practice in real life. Yeah, I went to college. UW: Who’s your favorite cast member to do scenes with on It’s Always Sunny? Who do you act best with? Kaitlin: That’s a good question. I like acting with all of them for completely different reasons. UW: According to a very credible source, Wikipedia, you and Rob McElhenney are getting married this month? Kaitlin: Well, if you can trust anything in this world, you can trust Wikipedia. UW: That’s true. Kaitlin: Yes, we are getting married this month. UW: Well, congratulations. Kaitlin: Thank you! UW: But I have to ask, how come you didn’t pick Dennis. I mean, how could you resist his abs? Kaitlin: Well, I’ve cheated on Rob many, many times with Glenn for that exact reason. But Rob understands, he knows. [laughs] I can’t stay away from it. UW: You guys are kind of known for having random, but cool, guest stars. Any guest stars this season we can know about? Kaitlin: How about Sinbad and Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty? How’s that for rad? UW: That is pretty rad.
Kaitlin: Yes, they come in and it’s just hilarious. Dennis gets sent to rehab and Sinbad and Rob Thomas are in rehab. UW: So they play themselves? Kaitlin: Yes. [laughs] Oh yes. As for what happens next, you’ll have to see the episode. My answer is still yes, they absolutely play themselves. UW: This is the fourth season coming out. Do you think the show is going to keep going? It’s been going pretty strong, but it’s almost an underground thing. People find out about it through friends, etc. Do you feel like the show’s going to go on for a good few more seasons at least? Kaitlin: Well, you know, word on the street is that we’re already picked up for another couple more seasons. So if all goes well I think we’ve got at least a few more in us. Unless the fifth season is boring and we all start to bail on it. Season four of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia premieres September 18th at 10 pm on FX and you should really pick up the other three seasons on DVD because they’re really fucking funny.
A REVIEW OF THE NEW COEN BROS. FILM BURN AFTER READING
MICHAEL MERMESTEIN
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hat do you get when you cross fitness, a CIA conspiracy, and a crap-load of idiots? Burn After Reading, the latest film from the Coen brothers, of course. Going into Burn After Reading, I assumed it was going to be a victory lap for the Coen brothers after last year’s Oscar win for the haunting No Country for Old Men. Instead, Joel and Ethan Coen delivered another classic to their filmography. The film’s plot almost defies explanation, but here is a rough sketch. Brad Pitt and Francis McDormand play two half-wit personal trainers who discover a disc containing the memoir of Osborne Cox, a former CIA analyst played by John Malkovich. Francis McDormand’s Character, Linda Litzke, becomes involved with Harry Pfarrar, a womanizing government employee, played by George Clooney. To tie all the loose ends together, Harry Pfarrar is also having an affair with Ozborne Cox’s wife, Katie Cox, played by Tilda Swinton. When the team of trainers try to sell the disc to the Russians, they unleash a shit-storm of buffoonery. The Coens have a long history of creating comedies and dramas about numb skulls, revealing a worldview that is more than a little misanthropic, but always tempered with humor. The screenplay is so unpredictable and yet extremely focused; the characters
ing an underling what they learned from the investigation into the intelligence leak. The agent, after thinking it over, comes up with this nugget: “What did we learn here?” The intelligence community is utterly baffled by the sheer idiocy laid before them. It is absurdity incarnate; these characters assume there is some sort of reason to their world—that they can count on other people to behave rationally. Joel and Ethan Coen show how blissfully hilarious our world of numb-skulls can be. Michael says not to burn this one and gives the Coens’ new flick:
LOCAL THEATRE AT ITS MOST MANIC A REVIEW OF 28 PLAYS LATER JAMES KISLINGBURY Odds are if you go to see it this Sunday (its final show), 28 Plays Later will be a completely different show with an entirely different set of sketches. The program for the play is formatted like a menu and on it are two choices for the audience to yell at the stage—whichever choice gets the loudest response is the set list that goes on for that night. The one thing I know won’t be the same is the theme for that night. When I went, mustaches were the theme of the night—all of the show’s actors and actresses sported mustaches. If you had a mustache (real or applied) at the door on that evening you received a free beer. On the 21st the theme of the night will be “Prom Night” (I’m sure you can figure out how to score a free beer on that night). 28 Plays Later—if you didn’t figure that out yourself—is twenty-eight individual plays crammed into a single hour (plus or minus a few minutes either way). Each of the twenty-eight plays are written by different authors, though most of them share the same group of actors. As it goes with a lot of anthologies, the quality is uneven. The pieces that work best seem to be the ones that are most tightly structured, like the
sketch where a scene from Hamlet is wedged into an audience participation-based improv or where a cast member reads a passage from The Great Gatsby. On the particular night that I went, there seemed to be a lot of jokes hinging on the fact that mustaches are hilarious, and they are, but as the son of a Wilford Brimley look-alike I can testify that at some point the thrill wears out. Regardless of quality, all of the sketches are completely off the wall. Restraint and subtlety in the mini-plays seem to be few and far between, so if you like your live theater asking for high fives and running through the aisles, you won’t be disappointed. What might be construed as complaints are in a lot of ways, 28 Plays Later’s strengths. Much like a drunken mistake, if a sketch offends you or fails to illicit laughter, it’ll be over in three minutes. So, support local, amateur theater, go to 28 Plays Later in a tie and maybe score a free beer (assuming you’re of legal age, of course). What else are you going to do on a Sunday evening? Watch The Simpsons? Do homework? No, you’re going to go down to Koo’s Art Center on Broadway at 8 o’clock and take in some culture.
This wasn’t in the version James saw, but maybe you can see a robot cooking. I mean, look at it. Pretty rad. UNION WEEKLY 15 SEPTEMBER 2008
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are given such depth and presence that all of their bone-headed decisions feel natural. The brilliance of the undertones is brought to the forefront by an incredible ensemble cast. Each performance peaks at just the right moment. The Coens are master sound designers, and Burn After Reading continues their legacy. The score harkens back to ‘60s spy films, and creates a tone of suspense and intrigue. The only problem is that Osborne Cox is no James Bond and Linda Litske is no Bond girl. The film is much ado about nothing, as the score booms to a climax we are left with complete chaos instead of a revelation. The Coens always flirt with existentialism, but they never take anything seriously, which often leads to their biting dark comedies. Brad Pitt put it best when he said, “The characters are probably leading lives that don’t have a lot of meaning, but they can still be interesting characters and actors in an interesting story.” These characters are representations of contemporary America, searching for success without a purpose beyond that success. This is best exemplified in the story by Linda’s need for plastic surgery, the epitome of a superficial motivation, which reflects our own tragic, and comedic, daily struggles. The Coens close the film with a CIA agent ask-
KATIE REINMAN
ENTERTAINMENT
LITERATURE HAIL TO THE KING, BABY! A REVIEW OF KIRBY: KING OF COMICS JAMES KISLINGBURY
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here comes a time in every nerd’s life when they discover Jack Kirby. That discovery is instantly followed by shame and regret for not having acknowled how awesome he is for so long. For me, that realization came this summer. He died in 1994, at the age of 76. By then he had stopped drawing due to health reasons, but as a comic fan, I always heard his name mentioned among other comic gods: Stan Lee, Will Eisner, et al. I never appreciated what a talent he was until Kirby: King of Comics made this explicitly clear to me. In a world where comic properties have been drawn and interpreted thousands of times by other artists, Kirby stands among them as king. Jack Kirby is one of the most important pop artists of the past fifty years. As a testament to his greatness, the book has an introduction by Neil Gaiman and is full of other fans, a list that includes Paul McCartney, Nicholas Cage, and Michael Chabon. Despite shoddy inkers, questionable projects, meager pay, deadlines, and edito-
rial abuse, Kirby managed to flourish. Creations while working for Marvel include Galactus, Captain America, Thor, the Silver Surfer, the Fantastic Four and during his tenure at DC, he created an entire pantheon of gods with his Fourth World series as well as the Sandman, which years later would be dug up and reinterpreted by Neil Gaiman. Obviously writers contributed significantly to his body of work, but the iconic images that remain with us do so because of the dynamism he brought to the page. For example: Next time you’re at a comic book store, take a look at all of the covers on the shelves. You’ll probably notice no less than five heroes lunging with their hand splayed towards the reader. Kirby invented that position. The book chronicles the life of Jack Kirby (born Jacob Kurtzman) from his childhood in a worn-down New York City tenement, to serving at the Battle of the Bulge, to creating some of the most iconic characters at Marvel, to his defection, to DC, to his years working for Hannah-Barbara as conceptual artist. The book never really delves too deep into who Kirby is, it just gives brief snap-shots of him and his life. Also, the fact that history seems to constantly repeat itself in Jack Kirby’s life gets a bit old. Though, at the end of the book it’s clear that not only is Jack Kirby an immense talent as an artist, he’s also a an immensely inspirational man, who dedicated himself to supporting his family despite constant set-backs and adversity. The short comings of the books can be ignored though, because it isn’t meant to be an art history textbook, and it isn’t supposed to be memoir. It’s a
Kirby: King of Comics (pictured above), written and compiled by Mark Evanier, 223 pages, $40.00
beginner’s guide more than anything else. It presents the work of a fantastic artist in a palatable manner. The book might not be as groundbreaking as the art itself, but it does offer vital information to a new generation of art aficionados, and a reminder to the older generation of comic geeks.
HOUSE OF LEAVES, OR THE ORGANIC LABYRINTH A REVIEW OF HOUSE OF LEAVES BY MARK Z. DANIELEWSKI
Illustration
KATIE REINMAN
MICHAEL VEREMANS “A house of leaves because it grows.” -Averroes 1:42 am I woke up next to someone whose name I don’t know. She smelled like the person that fucked her before I ever picked her up on Hollywood Blvd., inviting her over for a smoke. I took six pills of E, Yellow Buddhas, and I was shown what only God could see: a book that is a labyrinth. It’s not the Book of Life, no; it is an exploration of a darker history—the deep, bewilderingly complex rhizomes of human (read middle-class white motherfucker) consciousness. House of Leaves is the Zampan(accented o) transcription and critical interpretation of the Navidson Record, a series of films interspersed with still footage filmed and edited together by Will Navidson, a professional freelance photographer known for his portrait of a starving Sudanese girl. The film collection known as the Navidson Record treats two things: the nature of the interpersonal relationships within the Navidson family, and the inexplicably expanding and maddening house in which they live. It was found and edited/annotated thoroughly by an Angeleno by the name of Johnny Truant. It was from a stripper friend of his that the ragged manuscript, with its loose ends, fell into my hands at the old Victorian house in downtown Long Beach where our mutual friend used to go for her heroine and to forget her need for attention. She went there to disappear, and I went there to be ignored and face the shakey world of UNION WEEKLY 15 SEPTEMBER 2008
addiction. She gave it to me because I study Comp. Lit. and she figured I’d get it. I started to read it voraciously over the summer, between hash-laced cigarettes and waiting in the heat of the Garment District I peeled through the pages, through the maze. A synthesis of Borgese postmodern conceptualizing, the ultimate subject of the book: subjective conception of the infinite creative capacity of human consciousness in the form of a terrifying maze that expands and contracts like a manic-depressive. It is a book of alienation and isolation, those underground experiences that we (along with depressed Russians) can identify within youth and any other time in our lives that we’re unsure and hopeless. The text of the story slowly starts to devour itself with footnotes and inter/extratextual references that leave the reader as spun as Truant after a night of drinking, as the staircase sinks past the ends of the earth, and into the dark terrain of the sub-conscious. Imagination is another name for that place that all magic-realists laud—the place of truth. Also, the formatting of the text in House of Leaves refines the impact of the narrative in its reflective spatial concepts—a break-through literary style that has yet to be matched. When I finished the book, I checked Amazon.com and it was there. Mark Z. Danielewski was the editor of the one print edition available, considered to be
the most comprehensive. House of Leaves left a taste for the rarely explored metaphysical reality of literary space. It is a new kind of book, eliciting more than just a casual read in its complex textuality, a dance between identification and alienation for the modern reader. So read it. Lit Listings! Readers and Writers! Here are some local events this week. MFA Faculty Reading on Thursday, Sept. 18 On campus reading – Ballroom A, Student Union, 7 p.m. Patty Seyburn, Ray Zepeda, Steve Cooper, Suzanne Greenberg, Lisa Glatt, Charles Webb, and Bill Mohr Know of an open mic night? Lit page is doing a calendar of events! Please email the lit editor: caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
MUSIC
Americans were born, despite their bass player of Canadian roots and lack of patriotic motifs. Today the band is composed of Charlie Klarsfeld (vocals, guitar, keys), Julia Tepper (vocals), Xan Aird (bass), and Roobin (drums). They have independently released four songs with a fifth, “Requiem,” to be produced by Sean Lennon in October. All their songs, despite the dysfunctional titles, are
trilling with a blithe New York spirit. Their music is methodical as each tune is carried out note by note into a local masterpiece. Their hymns incorporate declarations of love, misconception, and cold-heartedness fused with organs that are alive and kicking. Overall, their sound seamlessly extracts bits of pop with rhythm and blues and jazz that is parallel to a post-modern day Mickey and Silvia reunion. In “December Blues,” the Dap-Kings’ horn section warms up before ending it, all in the name of jazz fusion. For some reason, Charlie’s mustache is an instrument for effortlessly filtering his voice with ache. “One Night Stand” has a whimsical vibe, while the backup vocals sound dreamily anachronistic. “Sleeptalking” starts out like Plastic Bertrand’s “Ça Plane Pour Moi,” as Julia’s hypnotic croons compliment Charlie’s nonchalant carols. “Talking to Strangers” is a cheery conversation among two strangers; “I think I know where this is going.” There are hints of Prince, doo-wop, and the Shangri-Las comeback on The Americans’ EP. At times, the distinction between each song can get cloudy, but just keep in mind that they’re not your typical Americans because their anthem is Terrence Trent D’Arby’s “Wishing Well.” Luckily for them, they have the freedom to express their red, white, and blues.
us, Brian hasn’t let being a nut get in the way of writing outstanding pop songs. I should note that I am a total sucker for vocal harmonies, and since his newest album, That Lucky Old Sun, has more harmonies than you can shake some sort of Beatles-shaped stick at, my review might be a bit skewed. What do you expect? You got this for free. Anyway, this album starts like it should, with a ton of awesome harmonies that sound really cool and Brian singing about the sun. This moment is repeated a few times throughout the album and it really helps tie everything together, making it extremely rewarding to listen to all the way through. Moments like these show right away that Brian is still able to write a catchy, fun pop song that is still musically complex and engaging. He’s still got it! Yes! Putting this album in context helps one understand just how cool it is to see Brian Wilson return to form. Like I mentioned before, after going insane Brian stopped writing songs and getting out of bed for a while. In 2004 Brian finally released Smile, an album that was supposed to follow up The Beach Boys’ groundbreaking Pet Sounds, which was released in
1966. The long awaited album was finally released, and fans got a real copy of Smile. That Lucky Old Sun is the first album of entirely new material released by Brian Wilson in decades. The album is definitely a triumphant return for Brian. It gives the listener a feeling that he is able to put his hard past behind him and just write some fun music for cool people. That isn’t to say there aren’t some slow parts on the album. There are four, short spoken word interludes scattered throughout the album that might take the “California is cool” cheesiness just a little bit too far, but Brian’s weird personality comes out well on these narratives and you can’t fault the guy for being odd (crazy). That Lucky Old Sun is a perfect follow-up to the legendary Smile, and a perfect way for Brian Wilson to close a rough patch on his life and go back to writing great music reminiscent of his many Beach Boys classics. Brian is one of the most interesting musical figures ever. What is cooler than a musical genius with a mental disorder overcoming obstacles and making a fantastic album that gives us his perspective on life? The answer is nothing. Nothing is cooler than that. This album is cool.
only two guitars. On songs like “Daily News,” however, the band uses the technique to compliment the frantic drums and create an intense driving verse that builds upon itself in a way that could only be done with twohanded tapping. Another aspect of the band that is certainly worth mentioning is the fantastically named singer/guitarist, Dave Davison. Davison sings like he has some sort of lo-fi frog in his throat, and while this may sound like a negative aspect on paper, the vocals are endearing in a strange way. Davison’s throaty shouts help drive home the band’s strong melodies and are able to find a place in the mix among the thick guitar harmonies and the pounding drums. Of course the quality of the songwriting is more important than a couple aspects of the band’s sound, but unfortunately in today’s fast paced world, recommending a band by saying “they write good songs”
won’t cut it. Luckily, the songs are able to stand on their own. On the songs “Witch” and “You and Me and the Mountain” Davison’s bouncy melodies contrast the slower, more guitar-oriented parts beautifully. However the songs “Artichoke” and “Daily News” are more similar to their previous EP, Trees, Swallows, Houses, by utilizing crashing drums and fast-paced guitar tapping. Additionally, you can’t mention their previous EP without explaining how much they have evolved in their sound. Previously, the band was much more technical and the song’s main focal points were the guitar acrobatics and the complexity of the musicianship. While Maps and Atlases’ sound is hard to describe without making it coming off as negative, that is exactly what makes them a unique band. The band’s quirks are enough to draw listeners in, where they will be rewarded with excellent musicianship and strong songwriting.
AMERICAN BEAUTY
THE AMERICANS SHOW US HOW IT’S DONE KATRINA GUEVARA
I
f love is blind, and God is love, would Stevie Wonder then be God? I would say it’s a valid argument for The Americans, and I don’t mean the nation as a whole. In fact, we’re entitled to our own opinions, unless it causes harm as Phil Spector’s gunplay would. However, like our nation and Stevie Wonder, Spector has influenced The Americans with his sentimental core. Through trial and error, Charlie Klarsfeld chose to explore and extend his horizon by branching out from his former psychedelic band, Hysterics. In order to activate his dream project and pledge his nationalism, he conceived a pop band that would incorporate female windpipes and wind instruments to accompany his written lyrics. Presto, The
BRIAN WILSON THAT LUCKY OLD SUN
CAPITOL ANDY KNEIS Brian Wilson is insane. Not that cool kind of insane like your weird uncle who taught you all the swear words. No, Brian Wilson is the real kind of insane that spends a couple of years in a sand box and hears voices. Luckily, Brian is one of those insane geniuses; he is the composer behind almost every one of The Beach Boys’ songs. Now if you think that The Beach Boys’ music is not a work of genius maybe you should quit listening to “The Radio Heads” so much and learn to have some fun. All those years of being pretty damn insane have taken their toll on Brian; he can’t hit those famous Beach Boys high notes anymore, and he has become almost child-like in his demeanor, as evidenced by his awkward presence on stage and in interviews. Thankfully, Brian is backed by a fantastic band, and, fortunately for
MAPS AND ATLASES
YOU AND ME AND THE MOUNTAIN
SARGENT HOUSE ANDY KNEIS The Chicago-based band Maps and Atlases are a very difficult band to describe concisely, especially with the release of their new five song EP, You and Me and the Mountain. First off, you can’t mention the fact that they utilize two-handed guitar tapping without clarifying that they are not some sort of hair-metal shred-fest. All hyphens aside, Maps and Atlases are able to utilize this technique to create complex and intertwining guitar melodies that fill in the track with rich harmony using
Even though one of them is a Canadian, the members of The Americans love this country more than you do. Sorry.
UNION WEEKLY
15 SEPTEMBER 2008
Raquel Maihofer
16
UNION WEEKLY
15 SEPTEMBER 2008
CREATIVE ARTS
From Fly to Flew Abraham Kim
F
ly was grounded. Dead. And from then on Fly was posthumously known as Flew (not to be mistaken with the common F-L-U, though just as lethal) but he still did fly. Not fly as he once had flown, but buzzing in my head, still doing spins and spuns, flying, flown, flew.
Sheep in the Rain Michaël Veremans
She bleated like a stab wound, Like a punctured lung and it rained, Like an animal too weak to fight And too dumb to give up. She drowned in her own blood And choked and struggled to stand Peering out with her beautiful wet eyes, Tearing from muddled and drowsy shame Before lying down tame. The starless night found The tired lion in a bed of wet grass, Chewing on the ragged neck of her kill, Kissing the blood from her dusty-matted mane, Dreaming of the sheep playing in the grey rain.
He Sits There
Patron Saint of Falling Matt Dupree
I am the air, the earth: I surround you. Once, when I was little, I held the sun. All of my friends were five hundred feet tall and for fun we would watch God chase his tail until He’d finally catch up to it and we’d all fall down laughing and kicking. There was no fire then, nor any fireflies; the stars were all tightly bunched together and they always put their spotlight on me. You were there too, but you were still asleep.
Insults Cut Me Like a Blade Dominic “Nerd” McDonald
Insults cut me like a blade, of grass. You pass judgments with infectious green eyes so I keep going until they become red. Red from wasting so much time focused on my problems. No, instead, I don’t stop. Though I do leave these footprints so if you ever grasp the concept that I can’t be what you want then you can find me. And who knows, I might be waiting for you to catch up.
David Hook
He sits there, waiting on the bus. Yesterday’s heat still radiates from his feet and fries the ants below. She sees him, waiting on the bus. Her spray on tan is perfect, her sunglasses are perfectly fake as well. He sees her, waiting at the light, and offers her his first smile of the day. He isn’t all burnt up yet, his knees are only beginning to hint at the heat to come. The light turns green, and the cars behind honk impatiently—with no time to consider—she drives past. And then she comes back. “Hey, do you need a ride?” He considers her white Jetta. “That’s one reason to sit at a bus stop I suppose.” Pause. Engines chew up the silence of a moment’s consideration. “Do you want a ride with me?” He considers her smile and wishes he could see the eyes behind those sunglasses. “I’m not supposed to accept rides from strangers.” She laughs. “I’m Stephanie.” “Well Steph, you’re pretty strange. And my bus is about to run you over. How ‘bout a rain check?” “Tomorrow?” “You know where to find me.” He sits there, tomorrow and every day, waiting on the girl; she takes the freeway to work now.
UNION WEEKLY
15 SEPTEMBER 2008
17
COMICS Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
Across
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
Humanation by Travis Ott-Conn
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
1- Strike breaker 5- Transfer 10- Little devils 14- Exhort 15- Military chaplain 16- What’s the big ____? 17- Sullen 18- Dole out 19- Writer Sarah ___ Jewett 20- Chucked weapon 22- Registered 24- Garment of ancient Rome 27- Group of individual facts 28- Illegitimate 32- Furry swimmer 36- The Greatest 37- Having auricular protuberances 39- So spooky as to be frightening 40- Prescribed amount 42- Reasoning 44- Uncouth 45- Potala Palace site 47Chinese martial arts 49- Animation unit 50- Seaport in the Crimea 51- Disperses 53- Dies ___
56- Lead 57- Primordial 61- Hurried 65- Atmosphere 66- Brightly colored lizard 69- Final Four org. 70- Civil disturbance 71- Not once 72- Singer Vikki 73- Actress Heche 74- Rare delight 75- Paradise lost
Down
1- Lather 2- Harvest 3- Malaria symptom 4- Rebuke 5- Hot tub 6- Actor Linden 7- Not working 8- Large divided leaf 9- Aquarium fish 10- Worshiper of Baal, Hathor, or Jupiter 11Blackbird 12- Window piece 13- Dog-powered snow vehicle 21- Cloak 23- Siouan speaker 25- Score 26- Shaft shot from
Enjoy.
a bow 28- In an inadequate manner 29- Hawaiian greeting 30- Agave fiber 31- Old Ethiopian emperor 33- Armistice 34- Duck with soft down 35- Staggers 38- Flat circular plates 41- Guess 43- Converse 46- River in central Switzerland 48- Four Corners state 52- Daze 54- ___-garde 55- ____ beaver 57Graph prefix 58- Undoing 59- Tiger’s choice 60- Wash 62- Great quantity 63- Shipping deduction 64- Aggregate of fibers 67- Give ___ break! 68- Singer Garfunkel
e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
Caramel > You by Ken C.
UNION WEEKLY
15 SEPTEMBER 2008
CULTURE vintage clothing & rollerskates shop
meet estro jen and sugar n. spikes WORDS BY TESSAH SCHOENROCK
I
PHOTOS BY CHRIS LEE
was moseying down 4th street in Long Beach the other day, aimlessly wandering into stores and then doing an abrupt about-face as soon as the cramped racks of dusty clothes and vicious thrift-hounds began to overwhelm me. God, I really wish these stores weren’t so crowded, I thought, holding back yet another sneeze. After sniffling my way through four or five identical vintage stores, I suddenly found myself in a vast paradise of open space, wood floors, fucking awesome clothes, accessories, and...roller skates? Stunned, I slowly turned 360 degrees, taking in the spread before me. Pairs of shoes lined the walls—I saw thigh-high boots, strappy sandals, flats, what looked like crocodile loafers, and the most incredible vintage, sky-high wooden wedges a la Farrah Fawcett in Charlie’s Angels. “I must try these on!” I proclaimed, and with a nod of agreement and a giggle the salesgirl encouraged me to try any pair I liked. I grabbed a pair of black leather ones and teetered around the store, posing, until my legs buckled (they really were quite tall). Soon, my hangover began to get the better of me, and I had to leave reluctantly, trailing promises of a quick return as I went. Four days later, I was back for an interview. As it turns out, the store is brand-new. It is owned by two separate parties—the vintage apparel section is called Replay Vintage and is owned by Jorge Avalos, a vintage stylist who also owns and manages La Bomba Vintage, which is right next door. Replay features vintage apparel (including original OP corduroy shorts!), fur, leather, ponchos, accessories, and shoes (at $175, the aforementioned wedges are slightly pricey, but wellworth it.) The skate shop within the store is called Via Rollerskates, and is owned by two lovely ladies named Michelle (“Estro Jen”), 26, and Tiffany, (“Sugar N. Spikes”) 27. The nicknames come from their roller derby names, which is the sport that brought the two together in the
first place and would eventually spawn Via Rollerskates. The two opened their shop after wandering into Replay, Avalos’ clothing store. According to Sugar N. Spikes, the girls basically just walked into Replay off the street one day and asked if they could open up a skate shop within the store. Avalos thought it sounded like a great idea, and thus, Via Rollerskates was born. Both stores opened very recently, with Replay opening about three months ago and VR coming into play a mere two weeks ago. Via Rollerskates has actually been around in website form since April, at www.viaderby.com. Both girls are members of the Angel City Derby Girls, and are really excited about bringing back the roller derby scene. Sugar N. Spikes was quick to note that Via Rollerskates is not just for people interested in roller derby, but more just for people who “want to go outside and do something
The lovely brunette on the left is Estro Jen and the fiery redhead on the right is Sugar N. Spikes.
that reminds them of being a kid.” VR sells Suregrip and Riedell brand skates, which, according to Sugar N. Spikes, are two of the best quality brands of skates. The store mostly offers new skates, but there are several pairs of badass vintage skates on display. The skates on sale run from about $95 to $805, and customers can get theirs customized by local tattoo artist Know Love for about $25-$150. Via also offers several skate packages, one of which is the $110 “Farrah Fawcett” package, which comes with skates and custom wheel color, pom-poms, laces, and stopper. Both Sugar N. Spikes and Estro Jen are extremely sweet people who are clearly very passionate about both skating and the culture of roller derby. While I was interviewing Sugar N. Spikes, Estro Jen was out skating the streets, handing out fliers for the store and various events the girls are organizing. One event they are currently orchestrating is a two-mile group beach skate, which will be held every second Friday of the month. The next upcoming skate will be on October 10th, and is zombie-themed in the spirit of Halloween. Anyone that is interested in checking it out should meet at the store at about seven p.m. on the date of the event. There will also be a rollerskating art auction sometime in November, so if that sounds like something that interests you, stop by the store for more information. The store will have its official grand opening on September 27th as a part of the Art Walk on Retro Row. The party will feature three fashion shows on skates showcasing Replay clothing and Via Rollerskates products, as well as a raffle with prizes, gift bags, cocktails, and a DJ. All funds from the raffle will benefit the Angel City Roller Girls derby team, so show up around seven p.m. on the 27th, and get ready to party your foolish skating ass off! Via Rollerskates is located at 2220 East 4th Street in Long Beach. They are open 7 days a week, from noon-6 or 7 p.m. They are also usually open at 11 a.m. on Saturdays. Be sure to stop by and take a look! UNION WEEKLY
15 SEPTEMBER 2008
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Cake farts. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“Cake fart girl has a nice ass, and a nice cake.”
Volume 63 Issue 3
Monday, September 15th, 2008
Gallup Poll Shows Male Students Split on Palin’s Fuckability
50% of male college students think Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin (pictured above) has a pretty mouth.
BY THE FROTHY SEA A recent nation-wide poll conducted by the Gallup Organization via the Grunion has found that male college students, ages 18 to 24, are split evenly with an error margin of zero on Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s fuckability. Trey Johnson, a third year student with the units of a sophomore at UC Davis “just [doesn’t] get it.” Trey is a self-described proponent of change for Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama that has contributed to Obama’s grassroots campaign in the past by using the ‘other’ feature of Obama’s site to donate five dollars. “I’m
more disgusted with her than anything. Her policies as governor of Alaska were atrocious, not to mention contradictory,” Trey explained. “I don’t know how any rightthinking person could look beyond that.” Fellow Obama supporter and UC Davis student Carl Harrison thought that Trey was overlooking the fact that Sarah Palin “totally looks like Tina Fey.” Trey added, “And that chick is fucking hawt! Have you seen the size of Palin’s titties? GOP or not, I would slap my boner between those like a bratwurst on a bun.” But the issue of Sarah Palin’s fuckability is not a partisan matter. Republican male students gave their say on the issue. While the majority of young Republicans said that “[they] never want[ed] to even picture [Governor Palin] naked” in fear of “burning in eternal damnation,” a vocal minority of fiscal conservatives has commented on Palin’s “MILF status.” MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) is a term used for sexually desirable mature women that some people would enjoy copulating with. According to Long Beach State Republican Will McCallister, Palin has all of the prerequisites to make her a MILF. “MILFs obviously can only have minor wrinkles, thick—preferably highlighted— hair, and big tits, but I think one of the key factors that make an older chick a MILF is her mouth. Sarah Palin not only fits the description to a tee, but I would stick my dick all up in those lips.” When asked whether he thought it was ethical to think of a politician of his own party in such a manner, Will dismissed people’s disgust as childish. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with respecting women politicians’ bodies for what they are. I think that glass ceiling could finally shatter if we get a MILF in office.”
LBUNION.COM
E-Wedding Disrupted by E-drunk BY CALAMITY JONES What began as a beautiful internet wedding ceremony yesterday evening, including flash-animated scented candles and JPG’s of white doves, the families and friends of both bride and groom gathered at their desktop PC’s, was offensively disrupted by the all-caps non-sequiturs and rants of the groom’s drunken cousin, Rick Ford. The groom, Albert Kesselton was initially apprehensive about inviting Rick, known widely among the family for his embarrassing meth habit and child porn ring, but Kesselton convinced his wife-to-be, Amanda, that since the wedding was taking place on the inter-web and the guests were not actually present during the ceremony, that Rick could do very little to ruin the proceedings. That’s where Kesselton was wrong as indicated by the title. As the Eminister began transitioning into the part of the service where the couple would, via web-cam, read their vows, the area of the screen reserved for “objections” to why the two should not be wed, was suddenly filled with the depraved words of Rick, the drunkard. “THAT’S’S WRHOE aL DON;TSD MARRREATYT THET NITCH!@1!!!” Rick was quoted as typing during what would have been a very special moment of Kesselton readjusting his webcam before reading
Rick Ford (above) demonstrates that even the morbidly obese can find meaning to their very limited lives.
his vows. “While the perils of an E-wedding may seem obvious now, we had no way of knowing that it could turn out so dastardly,” Kesselton said from his Hoveround personal mobility device outside the Red Lobster by his house. Did I mention he’s morbidly obese? Well, he is. “How could I know that Rick, using his extensive internet skills from all that child porn he puts on the web, would be able to hack into my wedding?” When confronted with a quote attributed to Rick dated four days before the wedding saying: “I will use my extensive internet skills from all that child porn to hack into Al’s wedding,” Kesselton just shrugged: “I’m mostly just pissed because Amanda and I had been waiting until marriage to have E-sex. And Rick delayed that.”
INSIDE Israeli Entertainment Industry Found to be Run by the Jews Anonymous sources in Israel have alluded to entirely Jewish-backed banking firms and a government under the thumb of the Jewish Agenda. Sources also report that dreidel exports account for 40% of the Israeli economy. PAGE W2
Asshole Tags Hurricane Video as “Comedy” on Digg
Frequent “Digger” SirHax4Lott thought the recent footage of a guy flying into a pole after having his car flipped by Hurricane Ike was “pretty fucking crazy hahaha!!1!” PAGE F9
Area Nerd Finds New Way to Play Metallica Gets Back at Music Pirates Mario Bros. Theme Song PAGE N64 by Putting Out Shitty Album PAGE Z7