ISSUE 64.06 “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” –Will Rogers And so tell me, did Dr. Rubenstein also use the baby blood to bake matzos for Pesach (opps, sorry, that is Passover to you anti-SeLETTERS TO THE EDITOR mitic bastards—you know NOTHING about the Jewish religion, Jews in general, Jewish traditions, etc.). In this day and age, how could JOE BRYANT you possibly publish such filth? If this is satire to you, G-d forbid ur Editor-in-Chief is out of what idiots we are sending out into the town this weekend, promot- world. Would you also publish “satire” ing the Union at a print media using the “N” word? conference in San Diego, so I’m sitting I would hopefully think not, but...No, in for him. this is not satire, just plain hate. You are We’re pretty lucky at the Union. We keeping alive lies and total misconceptions have a lot of fun putting this paper togeth- about Jews. The Jews never “ran” or coner (even if it can get incredibly stressful at trolled international banking, even though times) and it’s always great to see people there were some influential Jews in that around campus getting our newsprint all industry. Yes, there were industries that over their fingers. We also can say whatev- Jews used to run like movies studios and er we want, as long as we’re willing to take shmatas (rags/clothing). No, the banking any of the repercussions that come our industry is now run by the “goyim”; that is way. On that note, a letter was sent to our why it is in the terrible shape it is today. standard email address (lbunion.info@ You owe the Jews on this campus an gmail.com) and Grunion Editor Sophisti- apology for this terrible “satire”. Shame cated Bear, in response to last week’s Grun- on you. ion article “International Jewish Banking Mike Sternfeld Conspiracy Declares Bankruptcy.” Manager Let’s take a looksee: University Print Shop
MAIL TO THE CHIEF
O
A response from Grunion Editor Sophisticated Bear: To whom it may Sternfeld: I know nothing of satire. I have always been a newsman, and a newsman I will continue to be until the Great Bear Gods reach down wih gilded paws to escort me to the Great Bear Heavens, where the salmon are aplenty and bottled honey can be picked at leisure from the Great Bear Heaven Trees. However, we at the Grunion understand and recognize that the plight of the Jewish people has been wrought with many hardships. We always hope not to offend, but entertain. We would love to platonically tickle your fancy every time you pick up our publication, and we hope that you will give us another shot. Sophisticated Bear Grunion Editor Ask Away! Need advice from a man named Beef? Any questions/comments? Well send all questions to editorinbeef@gmail.com!
By Alex Hattick
Cover Art CLAY COOPER
PISCES Feb 19-March 20 Lately you’ve been a real Debbie Downer. If you took a breather from your constant complaining, you’d realize that the only person who cares about your whiney baby wah-wah problems is you. ARIES March 21-April 19 Although you seem to think otherwise, no one wants to hear you cover “Blackbird” again at open mic night. Sell your guitar and change your major back to accounting. TAURUS April 20-May 20 Someone with the initials A.S. rejected you in the past, but Pluto’s activity suggests he may have a change of heart in the coming weeks. Light a few candles and get ready for some sexytime! GEMINI May 21-June 21 Instead of picking on other people for their faults (like an issue with sandwiches), focus on self-improvement this month. We suggest you start with your music taste. CANCER June 22-July 22 Has anyone told you lately how bomb UNION WEEKLY
2 MARCH 2009
you look in spandex? Well dang, you sure do, and this is your month to let everyone know it! Back that behind up. Saturn commands it. LEO July 23-Aug 22 Do you like Disney movies, Leo? Because you’ve been looking an awful lot like Pinocchio lately, except when you lie your big fat ass grows instead of your nose. VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 By some fortunate twist of fate, you have found yourself the best girlfriend ever! Don’t let this one get away. Buy her presents. LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 So you got a new haircut, and let’s be honest: it’s not looking too good. Maybe this is cosmic retribution for that one time you failed to respond to a text message that probably took that person a long time to write. Maybe if you hadn’t been such a douchebag you wouldn’t currently resemble a balding Troll doll. That’s what the presence of the Sun in your first house suggests, at least.
& Elise McCutchen
SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Remember that fortune cookie you got that read: “Just be yourself; you are wonderful?” It was correct! Keep being super rad and awesome, and you will be rewarded. SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 Now is not the best time to go after that violin-playing high schooler whose band you pretended to like at the Smell. In a few months, the stars will be more in your favor (and she’ll be 18). CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 A few weeks ago, you forgot to hug your future significant other goodbye. Remedy this grave mistake while the moon is still in Venus or suffer the consequences. AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Things have been so slow in the romance department lately now that you’re even beginning to consider the middle-aged college student in your British Lit class as an option. Go for it! She may be your only chance at love until the end of the semester.
MIKE PALLOTTA Editor-in-Chief KATHY MIRANDA Managing Editor JOE BRYANT Managing Editor
editorinbeef@gmail.com kathym.union@gmail.com joeb.union@gmail.com
MATT DUPREE matt.dupree@gmail.com Senior Editor RACHEL RUFRANO rachel.union@gmail.com Opinions Editor JAMES KISLINGBURY jamesk.union@gmail.com News Director CAITLIN CUTT caitlincutt.union@gmail.com Literature Editor & PR JOE BRYANT joeb.union@gmail.com Entertainment Editor SEAN BOULGER seanb.union@gmail.com Music Editor & PR KATIE REINMAN reinman.union@gmail.com Creative Arts Editor MICHAEL VEREMANS scarf.union@gmail.com Creative Writing Editor VICTOR CAMBA victorpc.union@gmail.com Comics Editor KATHY MIRANDA kathym.union@gmail.com Culture Editor SOPHISTICATED BEAR bear.grun@gmail.com Grunion Editor CLAY COOPER, STEVEN CAREY Graphic Designers CHRIS LEE photos4union@gmail.com Photo Editor JOE BRYANT On-Campus Distribution CLAY COOPER clay.union@gmail.com Internet Caregiver ALLAN STEINER allan.union@gmail.com Advertising Executive VINCENT GIRIMONTE, ERIN HICKEY, KATRINA SAWHNEY, ALAN PASSMAN, JASON OPPLIGER, CHRISTINE HODINH, JESSE BLAKE, DOMINIC MCDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, RUSSELL CONROY, ANDREW LEE, KEN CHO, TYLER DINLEY, ANDY KNEIS, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, SIMONE HARRISON, KATRINA GUEVARA, TESSA NEVAREZ, JOHN YANG, KEVIN O’BRIEN, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, CHRIS FABELA, MONA KOZLOWSKI, ALEX HATTICK, ELISE McCUTCHEN, JOE HAMMOND, JONATHAN LEWIS, STEVE WORDEN Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office. Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.5684 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
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THE WORLD’S A MESS
WAR AND TURMOIL ABROAD JAMES KISLINGBURY A Bangladeshi mutineer No, M.I.A is Not
From There Bangladesh, known to many as “East Pakistan” or “Where?” had something of a mutiny last week. The troubles started on Wednesday the 25th when paramilitary group and border guards, the Bangledesh Rifles, opened fire on their senior officers, apparently over a long running dispute over wage increases. The mutiny lasted for two days before many of the mutineers either surrendered to the government or were arrested attempting to escape over the border. The coastal South Asian nation is bordered on all sides by India, except for a small strip that it shares with Myanmar (aka Burma aka where the fourth Rambo movie took place). It’s also (relatively) close to Tibet and Bhutan, which lie past India to the north. The casualties are currently unknown, but the estimates start at 75 and with 130 officers who were taken hostage missing that number could easily increase. Of those shot in the conflict, there are half a dozen or so civilians who were either caught in the crossfire or hit “indiscriminately” as one witness reports. So far at least one mass grave has been found containing the bodies of senior officers. So, the lesson we might take away from this is that corruption and violence aren’t for Pakistan, Afghanistan and India any more. With that said, a paramilitary rebellion probably isn’t the healthiest product a developing nation could make. On the plus side, at least they don’t want to blow us up.
STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF JOHN YANG
D
id you know that the Daily 49er now has a weekly web cast called Beach News (how inventive)? Problem is the show needs RSS feeds, a decent microphone, and some lively reporters. What is this, high school video production? ASI has recently put up a survey asking students for what music they wanted for a possible music festival, and judging by how many students eat alone with no other company but an iPod, figures they’d have something to say. Find the survey link on the bottom right when you log into Beachboard. Seth McFarlane was on campus last week at the Carpenter Center, presenting a never before seen episode of Family Guy, among other things—but don’t worry, it’s not like you were willing to spend $45 to go see him if you knew about it anyway. Good Night, and Good Luck will be playing at the USU Beach Auditorium, Wednesday March 4th at 8:15pm as just one of the many planned events for the President’s Forum on International Human Rights. Find the rest of the schedule at http://csulb.edu/president/humanrights Are you running for ASI Student Body President? Good luck, you’re running against ASI Superstar Chris Chavez.
The ‘Ghan in Brief While the war in Afghanistan includes a large and amorphous swath of groups hostile to Washington and Kabul, the current estimates of the Taliban’s strength range from 10 to 15,000. How many hours that comes out to in Predator drone activity remains to be seen.
Did you know there is a calender of events for people who live on campus? The website is http://gobeach.blogspot.com. Go Beach... How cool is that? On Wednesday from 8-10pm there will be a USU night—bowling, pool, arcade, etc. The cost is only one buck. Sign-ups will be held from 4:30-6:30pm in the Parkside Dining Hall on Feb. 23-24 and Residence Dining Hall on Feb. 25-26. Are you sick of watching commercials aimed at 55-65 yearolds while you wait for computers at the University Library? How about the foreign news and 24/7 live feed of the book basement on the TVs at Library Starbucks? Complain to the Dean of Library Services, Roman Kochan. Free Friday anyone? The Long Beach Museum of Art has free admission on Fridays, and the Aquarium of the Pacific has the Shark Lagoon exhibit for free from 6-9pm. The Beach Legacy Referendum is trying to show all the peoples and groups it benefits. Too bad the “Who will benefit?” section of their website at first glance appears to benefit no one—oh wait, the text and the background color are the same color, so I can’t read the text. http://www.beachlegacyreferendum.com—go ahead, I dare you. Former CSULB President Robert C. Maxson once said, “If the only thing you do in college is go to class, then you have not had the full college experience.” Too bad it’s what most of you kids do anyway, but I don’t blame you. Love me? Hate me? Mad that I mentioned you unfairly in an article? Let’s talk. stateofthebeach@gmail.com
PARKING AND BULLSHIT PAT O’DONNELL WANTS YOUR SPOT JOE BRYANT
the Ichthyology Side of the News If you haven’t already seen the pictures or heard the news, scientists recently discovered a fish off of our coast that has a transparent skull. The strange fish known as the Pacific barreleye lives off of the coast of California and pictures of the fish were taken in 2004, but only released recently, presumably because the visage of the fish was too fucking awesome to handle during the Bush years. Check out National Geographic’s website for pictures of this mockery of logical morphology as well as the article I basically cribbed for this one.
Spring Break is at the end of the month, have you made plans already?
I’m going to get this out there right off the bat: Long Beach City Councilman Patrick O’Donnell is ostensibly more worried about residents’ wants than he is of the possibility of a young woman being raped. You know those great lights that were installed on Bellflower recently? Before those were put up, Bellflower Blvd. was pitch black LB City Councilman for the stretch of asphalt beginning at Patrick O’Donnell Beach Drive and extending all the way to Atherton. That means that any poor soul that walked home from our already poorly lit campus was taking a gamble that there wasn’t some predator waiting in the darkness. For a school that’s had a checkered recent past of sexual assaults on or around campus, you’d think that adequate lighting was a must nowadays. O’Donnell thought otherwise and opposed the lamposts. Now he wants to take away what little off-campus parking that’s available within walking distance of Cal State Long Beach. O’Donnell’s constituency includes Los Altos—the neighborhood on the other side of Atherton in relation to CSULB— where many of us that can’t afford parking passes go for free parking. That same constituency is pissed off that they have
to share their streets with us (one woman complained that between her and a neighbor they had no place for their seven cars), and they have demanded that O’Donnell take action. What he has done in response is propose that certain key streets that are closest to campus become preferential parking zones. You know those signs that read “X Hour Parking from X Time to X Time Except with Valid Preferential Residential Permit?” That’s exactly what preferential parking means. Residents are being mailed ballots and will be given the opportunity to decide whether or not to adopt preferential parking on more of their neighborhood’s streets (I’m sure you’ve noticed that there are already many streets with the signs in Los Altos). It’s a balancing act, to be sure. CSULB is already meeting the neighborhood half-way by agreeing to pony up $12,000 this year for residents, effectively halving preferential parking permit costs to a measly $16 per permit. Remember that we only have to pay—what was it—$123 per semester. Chump change, right? Some residents even want CSULB to fold parking permit costs into tuition, which would be completely fair to those of us without the means to pay for parking passes in the first place. The citizens of Los Altos are an incredibly unbiased group of individuals whose compassion knows no limits when it concerns their houses (the values of which I’m sure remain high even in this shithole of an economy, because of their proximity to a college campus). Pat O’Donnell can be contacted at district4@longbeach.gov. UNION WEEKLY
2 MARCH 2009
OPINIONS
MATT DUPREE
TAXING STONERS HOW LEGALIZING MARIJUANA COULD SAVE THE LOCAL ECONOMY ALAN PASSMAN
C Illustration CHRIS FABELA
annabis sativa and I have been more than acquainted for quite sometime. Actually close to about 13 years now as we have transcended the bonds of time and space while consuming vast quantities of junk food together. Sure, it has been an on-and-off or stopand-go-style relationship, but when apart I was always just thinking of her when I would wake up in a stranger’s bed. She is the love of my life in terms of vice. That love has put me in some strange places, but it also made me understand the value of standing behind something to the point of semi-radicalization. I can remember being around 16 years old and using the Internet, when it was barely anything like it is now, to research information on the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML). The knowledge I acquired would lead to me vehemently arguing with teachers and other authority figures about the merits of pot as something more than a drug that leads to laziness and general hedonism. Growing up in California, I’ve always enjoyed the progressive politics that have surrounded this little plant. The northern UNION WEEKLY
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part of the state is known for producing the highest quality of strains, while down here is a haven for cultural icons related to the cause of legalization (e.g. Snoop, Woody Harrelson, Cheech and Chong). The western part of the U.S. is generally a haven for those who understand that there are a multitude of misconceptions about reefer on either side of the equation. People who deny the harmful effects are as much a problem as the people who overdemonize marijuana as being this harbinger of later addiction to more hardcore illicit substances. This push and pull has had some positive effects though, as we’ve been a leader on the issue of making it so that people with debilitating diseases such as AIDS and Cancer have access to the possibility of alternative medicine. A lot of postReagan/Bush-era War on Drugs hardliners have been making it increasingly hard for people to move forward on the ladder. How stoked was I though when flipping through my digital radio dial, I landed on a National Public Radio affiliate as they discussed the fact that the Obama administration was making it clear that the medicinal usage and dispensing of Marijuana was a
state issue. To hear that there would be no more Federal interference or DEA raids was such an amazing step in the right direction, but it makes sense. I mean, this is the first president to not dance around the issue and admit that the Chronic is not the biggest foe that we need to combat. “When I was a kid, I inhaled frequently—that was the point” is what he has been quoted as saying in reference to his own experience and it is culturally significant, because it represents a normalization that has needed to take place. Part of that means decriminalization and government regulation of a cottage industry that has fueled communities in places like Eureka and Santa Cruz, CA for quite awhile now. San Francisco Assemblyman Tom Ammiano would like to make it so that 21 and older Californians could legally purchase Mary Jane for their own medical or recreational purposes via a new legislation. This would be taxed of course and as it stands, illegal marijuana sales total to about $14 billion a year. That money could do more if it was inside the local economy directly and could help to patch up at least one of the holes in our state’s sizeable deficit. In a time when we are all worried about the dwindling economy and the recession that has been upon us like a laughing rapist, it seems like the most obvious thing to do. When FDR needed more money, he repealed Prohibition and I hope that we could have weed viewed in the same light as alcohol/tobacco in the same timeframe that has given us an African American in the White House. God bless America!
Since I’m somewhat of a technophile (about a 5 on the technophile scale, as I still don’t understand why anyone would want to use Linux), I’ve been following the recent hubbub regarding The Pirate Bay and its perpetual legal issues. And to be honest, I think it’s all a bit farcical. Sure, Pirate Bay and BitTorrent and all of the other filesharing hubs are helping the distribution of piracy, but they’re certainly not responsible for it. You certainly wouldn’t blame Cal-Trans for keeping the highways well-maintained for speeders and kidnappers. Because software piracy, like excessive speeding, is not born from the channels that it perpetuates itself in. And if the entertainment industries and governments of the world would like to know the root of piracy, they have to look no further than Jane’s Addiction’s hit “Been Caught Stealing.” Seriously. Nowhere is the underlying demand for pirated material more clearly explained. “When I want something, man, I don’t wanna pay for it.” Bam. I can personally attest that every album I’ve ever downloaded without paying for it was simply because I just didn’t want to give up the money. A lot of people would say that they’re just trying it out or that they didn’t have the money at the time, but I won’t bullshit you, reader, because I respect our discourse (and those reasons are wholesale, undiluted bullshit). Sure, I’m not a rich man, and there have been plenty of albums I certainly might have paid for if I had money, but that doesn’t absolve the fact that the item costs money and I didn’t supply it. And here’s why: when I want something, man, I don’t want to pay for it. It’s a self-explanatory concept, but I know a few business majors out there probably just flipped their carefully-manicured shit. This isn’t new, though. We all know some of our friends, even some of our opinions editors, who have shoplifted from stores plenty of times, and the reasons are all the same. Seriously, sometimes we just don’t want to pay for shit. The rich have their tax loopholes and the poor have food stamps, and the rest of us have illegal downloading and shoplifting. Now that’s what I call parity. Now, the closure fanatics reading will be wondering, “So, what’s the solution?” but I honestly can’t think of one. Obviously the Jane’s Addiction theory of economics isn’t going to offer us some epiphany on how artists and record labels should proceed in the modern era. It should, however, remind us of the real nature of the problem, and hopefully keep us from going back to the days of barbarous lawsuits and the RIAA. Because it’s not that we pirates are cheap, it’s just that the world is too fucking expensive.
OPINIONS
commitTing suicide with A FLORAL THROW PILLOW
why a part of me dies when I shop at ikea
kathy Miranda
I
am not unlike the 100% cotton, yarn-woven MALOU bed sheets I just purchased from IKEA. My personality does not stray far from the two-toned indigo and gray duvet cover my body rests under after a long day from work. I walk into IKEA, and suddenly, I become everything I hate—my preference for the imperfection in vintage furniture dissolves into some airy mist outside of those large bright yellow double doors. The arrows guide me down some windy road toward conformity, one with birch cubicle bookcases and green and yellow flowers painted on curtains and sofa covers and bathroom rugs, even on the rubber placemats you place under the dish rack for moisture absorption. My vision is distorted by monochromatic color-schemed living room displays and a bathroom set up so pristine, I feel like a dirty sinner walking through it. And even after all of that, my eyes are still as bright as the heat lamps that cradle the 75 cent hot dogs in the café. My grin grows wider and wider when I discover the paisley KASSETT magazine file or when I rest my hands on that dark blue KNÖS Box-with-lid, perfect for storing my who-knows-what. For the hour and 45 minutes that I am perusing the marketplace aisles of IKEA, my heart beats for the modern, ready-made, cheap and pretty design of Swedish
furnishings. My fingers dance at my sides, anxious for the pickings. But even now, after the impulse buying, the ingenious brainwashing, I still wonder: how is my distinctive taste in old timey furniture and water-stained portraits of ships and sepia-toned landscapes so easily seduced by IKEA’s minimalist charm? Well, I know IKEA isn’t stupid. I know this because I can’t buy bed sheets anywhere else due to special measurements. I know I can’t walk in buying only one thing—those tea light holders are only 79 cents! I also can’t deny that IKEA is the only place I can get a decent computer desk for $24.99 (FLÄRKE) or even a 15-piece tool set for $7.99. It’s a bargain, to say the least. But of course, you get what you pay for—that computer desk is made out of particleboard after all and the $8 PYRA wok you will grab in the checkout line will regrettably fall apart three stir-fried vegetable plates later. An unsuspecting family will walk into that store not realizing that every image they see, every ethnic family plastered behind wooden frames and every well-lit living room equipped with an imported bamboo plant is a part of one big conspiracy; it’s all a carefully constructed mirage to mold us regular folk into some fallacy of modern living or maybe even “better” living. And when you mix that
daunting blue with obnoxious yellow, you get that everpeaceful green and IKEA just wants us to know, they love the earth—and oh, how we won’t forget it. I know all of this. I know IKEA is the epitome of the money-hungry corporations specifically designed to make you feel better about your life by making you feel worse, by convincing you of buying that retro rug with the moss colored dots or that 100 pack of batteries. But there is no way around the allure, the magnetic pull of beautiful domestic décor; fending off the lust for the IKEA lifestyle is no simple affair. I can’t help that when I walk through the children’s section, I can see my future son playing in that serene palette of blue and green. IKEA is another world in and of itself, a magnificent land of convenience and manufactured comfort, where I can sleep well, and I can find my socks organized by color—even eat some meatballs if I feel like it. I am embraced by the imagination of IKEA, the possibility, if only for that one hour, that life can look like this, and feel real. And as I’ve said many times over, there is just no denying it. IKEA is a playground for surrealists, a world completely different from our own, and yet so boldly reflective of what we want to be or more importantly, what we so clearly aren’t. I will proceed to blow my apartment up after this. Or buy that reproduced Klimt art piece—it’s a tough decision.
A terrible article
TO SAVE THe UNION weekly FROM LOSING INDIE CRED: A CONCEPT PIECE ANDY KNEIS Alright listen up folks, our big boss editor Beef is off to some big newspaper thing to try and win some award for this paper (this one you’re reading, dummy). No! That idea sucks. If it wins how will we keep our underground “cred?” The answer is that we will not. Don’t change Beef! What if we win an award and then Beef gets all rich and he acts all smug or drops gold bricks on people’s heads or something? I won’t let that happen. As a last ditch effort to save the paper I will make the most terrible article I can (off to a good start aheh eh eh). Hopefully no one will read this until it is printed onto a slice of paper since our Editor-in-Chief is gone and all. Let’s start with you, the reader. Firstly, shut up. Second, I bet you are not a very cool guy/girl at all. Hey dummy, why don’t you go make a poor decision. I’m typing this with my middle finger! I’m flipping you off. Feels good. I flipped off my computer screen after that sentence. I feel kind of bad insulting everyone but please know it’s for the greater good. I tried to call Beef to apologize but I ended up just saying “hamburger” into the
phone until I fell asleep. Also instead of a phone I was talking into a bread bun. Oh well back to writing terribly I guess. There aren’t enough people with beards in the Union anymore it’s really throwing off my groove (this groove here). This sentence is terrible. This one is maybe even worse. I love to party. I guess I can use this time to talk about a genius marketing idea I came up with. That seems like something nobody would enjoy reading. Okay, so nobody cares about whatever bullshit slogan Amazon.com has right now, but I invented one that is way more memorable. It’ll be like “Hey we got ‘Amazon’ low prices! Amazon kind of sounds similar to amazing so buy everything.” Oh goodness I just got goosebumps. If anyone is somehow affiliated with Amazon please let the site know that I will sell out without hesitation. I’m going to get money. Well personally, I believe this article was award-losingly bad, I hope if any newspaper kind of judge is reading this thinks so too. Thanks for reading my poorly written article hope your day gets better. Hamburger. UNION WEEKLY
2 MARCH 2009
JUMPING IN HEADFIRST WITH
DEEP SEA DIVER’S
JESSICA “M
usic Scene” is a term that can come off as a little exclusive; a little outof-reach. As if one day someone much cooler than all of us drew a line between the people that listen to music, and the gifted people that have some deeper interaction with the music itself. Growing
up in a densely suburban environment certainly can contribute to that idea; music becomes simply the noise that fills the time between home and school, school and work, then work and home. But long, long ago music was part of the place you lived. There was the butcher, the baker, and the guy who played music—each of them supported the community, and the community supported each of them. Lately in Long Beach, we may be seeing an effort to bring the community, the music scene, and music itself together again. Deep Sea Diver was the first to take the plunge. Jessica Dobson of Deep Sea Diver, worked really hard to get where she is— dropped from Atlantic records, not touring with Beck for the moment, and back at home. On Thursday, March 5th, We Love Long Beach, the fast growing communityoutreach non-profit, is presenting Diver at the Art Theatre, and featuring two other Long Beach bands: Two Guns and Marika.
CAITLIN CUTT
UNION WEEKLY
2 MARCH 2009
Union Weekly: How did Deep Sea Diver come together? Jessica Dobson: I started playing under my name Jessica Dobson when I was nineteen, in Fullerton—specifically at a venue that doesn’t exist anymore called The Hub. It was the place to be for a while, and now it’s a place that I wouldn’t want to go to anymore. For about three years I played under my name. I was writing a record that I was recording in Seattle, when I was on Atlantic Records. Originally one those songs was called “Deep Sea Diver.” That song came from a poem I had read; it was a Jack Kerouac poem—very, very stream of consciousness poem. So, I wrote that song, but one day I decided I didn’t want to go under my name anymore. You know, you see these artists like Bright Eyes, who’s Conor Oberst. It’s his pseudonym. The thing is, Jessica Dobson has a kind of a pop-star feel to it. I think
DOBSON think there’s even a girl out there called Fifi Dobson, and I didn’t want to get lumped into that. UW: Yeah, that sounds like a poodle. JD: Ha! It really does. At first I worried about it. I’d worry that people wouldn’t catch on. But now I don’t worry about it anymore. That’s the name I go under. Then I just changed the song name to “New Caves,” and that’s the name of the EP. So it’s Deep Sea Diver, New Caves. This show is my first official release. UW: So you’re completely independent now? JD: Yeah, I’m free! UW: What’s that like? JD: Ah, to be free! That is the question. It’s absolutely wonderful. The entire time I was on Atlantic Records, there were many promises made, but they were all pie crust. I mean, I was nineteen when I signed, and you think, “This is the only opportunity that will ever come along!” Which is false, but everyone around me told me that. But now to be free, and happy, to own the recording…when I was on the label, a door would open, but I felt like my hands were tied behind my back. It was many false starts and nothing to show for it. But now the crazy thing is, I’ve gotten ten-fold more work done and I didn’t have to go through anybody. I saved enough money from the time I was on the label, and with the Beck tour, to do it myself—to do it properly. I’m really proud of it. It’s a monumental moment for me. It seems kind of strange. People would be like, “How long have you been performing? And you don’t have anything to sell?” I was pretty depressed about that for a while. I was on this label that technically could have done anything, at least put a record out! But it turns out I always wanted to do it myself, I just didn’t know it at 19. UW: There are a couple other bands playing with you at the Art Theatre show. How do you know them? JD: I know Two Guns, just through playing in the area. Also Adam [Ferry] is really involved in We Love Long Beach, which is presenting the show, and Scott from We Love Long Beach is also a really good friend of mine. Then Marika, who’s also going to be playing with us. I think this is her first big show. It’s gonna be incredible for her. She’s got a lot of talent for being so young, I think she’s 20, but she’s got this kind of Joni
Mitchell vibe. It’s really great. She’s going to be playing with Nate Willet [of Cold War Kids]. UW: Did the Art Theatre come through We Love Long Beach? JD: Yeah. I was in a conversation with my friend Peter, who was talking about how this one time he had seen band play in a movie theatre. I still don’t know exactly why I went straight to the Art Theatre in my mind, but I just remember, I dropped my food and said, “It’s gonna be at the Art Theatre!” I didn’t know if they let bands play there or if they would even consider it. Maybe the reason I went to the Art Theatre was I wanted to do something in the city and I also just visited the Art Theatre. They spent so much renovating it. It looks beautiful. So I called Scott right away and asked if he wanted to do something with me at the Art Theatre, “We Love Long Beach presents Deep Sea Diver at the Art Theatre.” We were on it the next day. It took a couple weeks to get things rolling, but we finally got it. UW: So you’re pretty involved with We Love Long Beach? JD: I’ve never really been a part of something like this. I started volunteering for them since they first started with their breakfasts, and I played at their barbecues. It’s funny because you come across something like that and the question is, “Why? What is We Love Long Beach?” and then you come out with their mission statement and it’s, “To get to know your neighbors.” No matter what people say, people want to be known. The sense of community that We Love Long Beach is bringing the city is really wonderful. Everyone, whatever you listen to, has had a moment in a car, in a store, or even just listening to your iPod and walking to class, when Jay-Z made you feel a little less crazy, when Janis Joplin screamed right along with you, or when Johnny Cash reminded you that things could be much worse if you really thought about it. Here in Long Beach, with so many artists living and performing together, we all have the chance to be part of music in our city—whether you play a guitar or play your iPod. So come hang out on the 5th. It will be a great chance to hear some really great new music, support a local business, and just have some fun.
JD: My hope is that there will be musicians that come and see the potential there. There’s a lot of bars you can play at in Long Beach but there aren’t a lot of proper venues, especially that hold 300 plus people. I wanted to do it there because it’s a chance the expose the Art Theatre to people who will want to come back. It’s more than just my EP release party. I want to showcase much more than that. Doors open at 7:30pm on Thursday, March 5th. Bands start promptly at 8pm, Deep Sea Diver will play at 9:30pm.
Don’t miss Special Guest MARIKA who will be accompanied by Nate Willet of the COLD WAR KIDS and Matt Wignall. Tickets Available at: FINGERPRINTS RECORD STORE 4612 E 2nd St. Long Beach, CA 90803 Along with selling pre-sale tickets for $7, Fingerprints is offering a special $12 package for both ticket and an EP. There will be only 50 special packages available! The ART THEATRE pre-sale tickets will also be available at the box office or the theatre cafe from 10am-9pm daily. UNION WEEKLY
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MUSIC
STARFUCKER
THE BAND WITH THE BEST FUCKING NAME EVER KATRINA GUEVARA
I Illustration RACHEL RUFRANO
n a world that’s overly populated and massively communicative, among other gluttonous sins, there is not a worse crime than being highly exploited. The worst of these sinners is no other than a Starfucker, mind you. As a a purebred social climber, this band will do anything to reach for the stars, but with such a moniker it’s ironically difficult to reach the airwaves due to their inappropriate name. Perhaps a MSTRKRFT-esque name (Strfckr) would do them justice? With a self-titled debut LP under Badman Recording Co. released last September, Starfucker sure have been lying low in the blogosphere. They do, however, have more search results than The Rolling Stones song of the same title. Josh Hodges (drums), Ryan Bjornstad, and Shawn Glassford (guitar, bass, keyboards, turntables, synthesizers and drum machines) formed circa 2006. They are from the land whose natural re-
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sources are hipsters and Chuck Palahniuk novels. In fact, the trio are Portland’s best kept secret, being a band that extends not only in gender roles but in instruments. Versatility is their key, even if it comes to dressing like Bradford Cox (Deerhunter) and MGMT in drag. If you listen to their 11 tracks, you’ll realize how brief their goodness lasts. By the time their thirty minutes of low-fi pop are up, you’ll be lusting for more. These thin-wristed fellows make music as if they are in a world of their own fascination. They have been compared to MGMT, Vampire Weekend, and The Teenagers with diverse instruments thrown in for an added bonus. Their persistent beats and creative enhancers are pleasing to the ears and formatively made. “Florida” is slightly hypnotic and enticing with a Chromeo beginning and MGMT falsetto. Sound clips and recordings are per-
fectly blended for a humorous message that pertains to wiggles. There’s no fixed rule about their music. Ich liebe “German Love” for its melodic nature, even though its low-fi tune has repetitive lines. “Mike Ptyson” bounces with flow and has children laughing in the background like MGMT’s “Kids.” “Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second” can go either way in the favorite field. It’s like a gay anthem, smooth and stun-
ning like a perpetual rainbow with a melting pot of fluorescent at the end of West Hollywood. It’s also a very nostalgic, coming-of-age song, like taking a brisk walk to growing up. “Holly” is the ad tune licensed to IBM for its green campaign. Its childish remorse and experimentation clearly proves that Starfucker is not a sell-out. Starfucker will be playing with Marnie Stern at the Echo on March 23rd. We’ll be there. You should be too.
SPORTS
THE BUSH LEAGUER VINCENT GIRIMONTE
Matt Cassell to the Chiefs: Destiny at Its Cruelest
Can you remember the scene in Legends of the Fall when Brad Pitt’s character, Tristan, the prodigal and needlessly demented son, returns to the fledgling ranch after several years of aimless savagery? Of course you remember. We all went out and fought bears after that flick. Tiger Woods is Tristan from LOTF, sans the 13-year-old wife and a lust for human scalps. The fledgling ranch, of course, is the PGA Tour. I enjoy parody and I certainly enjoy golf, but I’m not so hot on parody in golf. I want players who are not content with merely making the cut, the “gee golly shucks” guys who’re pleased as punch to be playing golf for a living. (At this point, we know Tiger isn’t playing golf for the paycheck. The five hours he’s playing golf is five hours that he has to pay for someone to guard his private island. Note: he really owns an island.) There is young, rising talent, sure, but TBL would argue that recent PGA winners haven’t won tournaments so much as they’ve “held on” despite overwhelming pressure to choke. With Tiger there is a consistent desire to win, so unique that it has indeed changed the way we appreciate golf—It’s all about winning and anything less is not what you, the fan, pay to watch. Quite simply, golf is not golf without Tiger Woods.
MEN’S BASKETBALL PULLS OFF LAST MINUTE VICTORY Steve Worden
I
t was senior night at the Pyramid on Thursday, February 27, as seniors Brian Freeman, Maurice Clady, Cornell Williams and Donovan Morris led the 49ers against the visiting UCI Anteaters in the final home game of the season. Junior Stephan Gilling dropped 23 points on career high seven baskets from 3-point land in a tightly contested 75-74 Long Beach State victory. Gilling’s seven three-balls were the only field goals he took, tagging on two free throws in the dying seconds of regulation that sealed the game. T.J. Robinson contributed 14 points of his own with Casper Ware and Larry Anderson both adding 12 points. Long Beach State’s Morris stepped back onto the court after missing five of the past six games, including the last four games in a row, due to a stress fracture in his foot. The senior guard, who leads the team in scoring with 15.6 points per game, played a quiet 12 minutes, posting a doughnut on 0-for-4 shooting with one rebound and one assist. There was little to choose between the two sides, as the margin between the two teams was most often a single digit number. UCI’s largest lead was
6 while Long Beach State at one point led by as many as 11. Gilling’s shooting was key as he both lifted the 49ers out of their woes during the game as well as stemming the progress of UCI by answering in stylish fashion. The 49ers searched for a way to seize the momentum and run away with the contest. They had their opportunity at the 16-minute mark with a slightly mistimed ally-oop that rattled off the rim, which caused waves of excited anticipation to rush though the Monson Maniacs for the next few possessions. Good free throw shooting in the second half bolstered the Long Beach State lead and sealed the game in the closing moments (don’t worry Eugene, we heard you call “bank” before the shot). In the final two minutes, the Anteaters rallied back from 11 down with a 9-0 run bringing the lead down to 73-71 with just over a minute remaining. But their efforts went unrewarded as the 49ers kept Irvine
scoreless for the final 1:08 until UCI’s Patrick Rembert sank a 3-pointer at the buzzer. 49er fans were able to give their seniors a proper farewell after the final buzzer. The tone was one of appreciation and determination as the four seniors said good-bye to the Pyramid, looking to secure a parting-gift: a Big West Championship and an NCAA Tournament bid. “We still got goals in mind,” said Clady to the fans in the Pyramid, “which is the Big West Tournament. Big West regular season champs. We’re going to do it, though.” Head Coach Dan Monson said it best for the lot of us, “This year it’s all been about team. And there are no more people that mean the word team as these four and I’m going to miss them, like nobody’s business.”
#21 Larry Anderson
Head Coach Dan Monson
#22 Casper Ware
#15 T.J. Robinson
RUSSELL CONROY
Golf: Cool Again
SENIORS STANDING
Photos
The very same Kansas City Chiefs that put Tom Brady on the sideline for the entirety of the ‘09 season now reap his protégé. Irony, you slut. Matt Cassell, the seemingly worthy heir-apparent to the famous GQ model and part-time quarterback, will now be cloaked in arrow-red and bear the onus of leading a dismal team to the top of a dismal division. Were TBL not already a fan of the greatest NFL franchise this side (the good side) of the Mississippi, he wouldn’t find it difficult to root for the Chiefs. A loyal “blue collar” fanbase, landmark stadium, timeless uniforms, and most importantly, sworn enemy to the Oakland Raiders: what’s not to like? Couple those attributes with great ribs and young talent and TBL is ready to make his record-setting 46th unfounded and woefully researched NFL prediction: AFC West title to KC in ‘09.
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2 MARCH 2009
ENTERTAINMENT CINECULT
THIS WEEK: COBRA (1986) JAMES KISLINGBURY
C
inema is a wonderful thing. There’s such an incredible array of meaningful and exquisite films to watch. There’s the body of work of Akira Kurosawa and American titans like Orson Welles or Martin Scorsese and then there’s my favorite living directors, the Coen brothers. And even though I like to play the cynic, I know that as many terrible fat-suit comedies or Michael Bay movies come out, I can always fall back on the past and draw a new experience from a great film by a great director. Cobra is not one of these films. Cobra began as a failed pitch for Beverly Hills Cop and it only takes about thirty seconds of watching the film to figure out why a studio would pass on it. It’s an incoherent, hyper-macho mess of a movie. The world of Cobra is one where no two lines of dialogue ever relate to the other and where good police work means machine-gunning bikers from a truck. What keeps Cobra from being just another campy action film is that it was very clearly the product of a lot of thought, effort and money. Despite this professional, sincere effort what results is a low-rent, madcap version of To Live and Die in LA. This might sound like a reason to not see the film, and it sort of is. While it’s true that Cobra won’t teach you about the human condition or the terrors of the modern world, it also won’t bore you. It’s a psychoti-
Do you see that match in Sly’s mouth? Guess what? “You have the right to remain on fire.” cally perfect action movie and there isn’t a single minute of it that isn’t a wonder to behold. The film stars Sylvester Stallone (Rhinestone, Over the Top), who also penned the movie, as Detective Marion “Co-
bra” Cobretti, who isn’t so much a character as a collection of tough guy clichés packed into a single Mary Sue that has no personality beyond his love for shooting scumbags. Opposite Cobra is the “Nightslasher,” the world’s most unimaginatively named serial killer, who is played by Brian Thompson, better known as “The Scary Guy From The X-Files” and “The One Scary Punk That Terminator Kills (That Isn’t Bill Paxton).” If I follow the plot correctly, the Nightslasher is some kind of an axe murderer, cultist, biker, terrorist person—maybe. The script never makes it clear just what the bad guys are about other than a few rambling speeches that sound like they were cribbed from Charles Manson’s grocery list. Brigette Nielson plays Ingrid, a model who witnesses a murder (in the middle of the street, no less). Action ensues as Cobra protects her from the Nightslasher’s army of Mötorhead aficionados. From there on the narrative jumps from one ridiculous action scene to the next with no real story other than a few scenes where a nevish bureaucrat who harangues Cobra about “law” and “order” and “fair trials” (boooooooring) and where Cobra proclaims his theories about the Nightslasher that seem to come out of a completely different movie. What makes this senseless garbage worth watching is when Cobra espouses his beliefs about cops having to circumvent the law in order to protect it or when he lists off meaningless statistics about crime in America, we’re actually supposed to sympathize with him. The film’s philosophy is the only thing crazier than Cobra’s ability to hit a criminal with every single bullet he fires. Cobra is the perfect example of style outstripping substance and what an unrestrained ego with too much money looks like. Sure, you could watch The Seventh Seal or 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days and you’d probably leave the experience a little wiser, but then again, sometimes you need a man like Stallone to come by and remind you just how spectacular cinema can be.
ROOM TO GROW
THE CHERRY POPPIN’ PLAY FESTIVAL IS GREAT, IN THEORY MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN
Photos JONATHAN LEWIS
Alive Theatre Company is a Long Beach-centric troupe that formed out of the Cal State Long Beach Theatre program. This month they are staging their second annual Cherry Poppin’ Play Festival, an inspired mix of live local musicians and original plays put on by the Alive crew. I have a lot of respect for the whole organization. Their mission is a respectable one, the format for their shows is unique and cool, and staging original theatre is a difficult task. So with all of this in the back of my mind I headed to the Queen Mary to catch the Friday night bill. Once the opening band started their set I began to have second thoughts about the night’s entertainment. The band was Slow Mo Erotica, a drum and keyboard duo that mixed classical arrangements with rock drumming and a hot topic attitude. Once their set mercifully finished, the host for the evening came out to introduce the next play, The Adventure Play. While the play was well-staged and technically inventive it had the same faults as the opening act and suffered under the weight of its own presumed cleverness. The Adventure Play piled the “wacky,” “random” humor on thick, as it followed a plagueridden boy on an aimless journey through life. Along the way he meets up with a screechy Jim Carrey wannabe, and a cross between Gimli from Lord of the Rings and Fat Bastard. While the jokes frequently cross into the cringe-worthy, Epic UNION WEEKLY
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Movie brand of humor, and the supposedly philosophical undertones are juvenile at best, the director of The Adventure Play made several admirable choices. The play perfectly mixes different styles—from musical theatre, meta-theatre and even a puppet show—that manage to elevate the work far beyond the usual in-joke school theatre production. After the intermission the troupe were ready to deliver an entirely different type of play, Under The Great Booby Hatch. The play opened with a very energetic narrator that felt like he belonged in the previous play. With that interruption out of the way we were thrust into the world of an off-dial radio DJ, Jacob Bastion, who specializes in the paranormal. As Jacob struggles to comprehend his faith, the state of the show, and in a smaller sense the livelihood of his listeners, are threatened. Ultimately the production dares the viewers to live their lives with urgency and does so with minimal forays into Family Guy territory. Under The Great Booby Hatch was a strong piece that featured great work from its lead and some solid performances from its supporting cast. Despite the night’s faults, we as a community can only hope that the festival continues to grow and improve. The Alive Theatre Company fits in right along such positive groups as We Love Long Beach, and fill a very interesting niche in the community. Also, can they please do something about the name? Seriously, “Cherry Poppin’ Play Festival?” Come on guys.
These fantasy rejects are actually part of our Music Editor’s LARPing group, “Children of Cthulu.”
ENTERTAINMENT BOUND TO LIKE THIS SHOW
EASTBOUND & DOWN’S WORTH AN HBO SUBSCRIPTION SEAN BOULGER
D
anny McBride is a little bit on fire. After making the astonishingly hilarious indie gem The Foot Fist Way and basically stomping all over the shit of great comedy (thanks mostly to Adam McKay and Will Ferrell), McBride and writer/director Jody Hill are back with an HBO original series, Eastbound & Down. The latest in the seemingly endless parade of über-witty original cable programming, Eastbound & Down focuses on the life of Kenny Powers, an awesomelynamed former professional baseball player attempting to put his life back together (and possibly re-join the minors—an effort that will undoubtedly yield hilarious results). I’ll be honest here when I go ahead and say that Danny McBride might be a bit of a one-trick pony…but he’s the funniest pony I’ve ever seen. What separates McBride, from his more annoying colleagues (think the guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, and even Michael Cera these days), however, is the fact that we’re four or five movies in, and not sick of it. At all. McBride plays his comedy with a style all his own, and
watching him go off is a ball. Having been kicked out of the major leagues following a controversial steroid accusation (a scene that, while short, is great), Powers must return to his hometown in North Carolina, where he gets a job teaching gym at the local middle school. As the ill-tempered, heavy-drinking, cocaine-snorting Powers, McBride is offensive in just about every way possible, whether he’s snorting coke before teaching or trying unabashedly to sleep with the coworker he dated in high school who is now married to his boss. Drawing less on the awkward situational type of humor that The Office seems to have popularized Danny McBride plays Kenny Powers, a washed-up MLB player addicted lately, Eastbound & Down goes for a to ’roids and coke in a downward spiral with always hilarious results. slapstick angle, but never veers too far into the absurd. As it’s more of a character study than anything else, the show’s narrative is to very good—is any indication of the direction of the show, propelled by Powers’ relationships with those around him excellent things look to be in store. as he struggles to put his life back together and maintain Produced by Will Ferrell’s production company, and some kind of dignity, however misguided it may be. Sure, featuring the man himself in a hilarious supporting role, he’s an asshole, and fairly unattractive in just about every Eastbound & Down is a great journey into the heart of a way (watch the first episode if you’d like to see the most seriously fucked-up guy, but still manages to be poignant amazing tan line you’ve ever seen), but McBride has some- and have a little something to say. If you’re a fan of the foul how managed to make this guy fairly likeable. Granted, he’s mouthed Will Ferrell-esque comedy, definitely give Eastonly got two episodes under his belt at this point, but if the bound & Down a shot. The show is off to a great start; here’s transition from the first episode to the second—quite good to hoping it keeps getting better.
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LITERATURE WatCHMEN AS A LOOKING GLASS A MODERNIST TAKE ON THE SEMINAL COMIC SERIES
I
MICHAEL VEREMANS
t’s no mistake that the 1986 comic series Watchmen should see its film adaptation in the months trailing George Bush Jr.’s dethronement. In seven years of war, we have seen our society’s morality shift from counter-terrorist patriots to cowering peace demonstrators; we have experienced the betrayal of our supposed guardians. Watchmen is, prominently, a novel about ethics. This is not to say that it is an ethical treatise. There is no moralizing here; no system of values purporting to solve the world’s problems. Or rather, if Watchmen contains more than one, we are left to contend with the mess wrought by their confrontation. This is a novel about superheroes, and superheroes are nothing if not walking representations of ethical systems. They make unilateral decisions about good and evil enacting those decisions with varying degrees of force and impunity. We love superheroes: they represent a certainty our lives lack, and a will to act that even our best convictions fail to inflate
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in us. But what Watchmen represents is a critical doubt that these heroes have traditionally lacked. It is a postmodern historical revisionist novel, illustrated to immense effect, about the development of social morality. This strict code of ethics espoused by the character Rorschach has the potential to become society’s noose as morality develops. He embodies the concept of the Übermensch as he delineates moral boundaries and thus the acceptable constructs of good and evil, but more importantly, he takes it upon himself to act upon his convictions for the benefit of society. Notable superheroes that “adventured” in the 1940s and ’50s persecuted anti-war protestors, an action that would come to be frowned upon in later years, showing the utter subjectivity of the superheroes’ “justice.” Despite the criticism of the superhero notion in Watchmen, the reader is again faced with the dilemma of how to fulfill our social responsibilities that authors like Bolaño urge us to. When we are in the place of superheroes, do we have to blind ourselves in order to support real social change?
The slogan “Who watches the Watchmen?” is seen either in the background of many scenes and sometimes blatantly used, but nonetheless it is a cry of dissent that shows the population’s mistrust of the costumed heroes. Unequivocally, these heroes feel they must act upon social responsibility, each hero having a slightly different perspective of what his or her “objective” is. Regardless, there is a public outcry against the heroes in general, showing that despite their conceptions, they are not being reflexive to society’s morality. The 9/11-esque devastation that concludes Watchmen, shows conceptions of morality are not locked paradigms. The binary opposition of good and evil can often be summed up by the idea that the dominating group will view their traditions and standards as “good” and the opposing ideologies as “bad.” Alan Moore deconstructs this antiquated binary opposition revealing that morality is absolutely subjective. Maybe in our industrialized democracy we miss our kings. Watchmen reminds us why we shouldn’t. The superheroes we see here are
Dr. Manhattan is better than you. Also, read Watchmen. It’s rad. deeply flawed human beings: the Nite Owl a walking midlife crisis, the Silk Spectre an emotional ball of family trauma, Rorschach a monomaniacal sociopath in the guise of a righteous avenger—a guise they all wear.
CREATIVE ARTS UNION WEEKLY
2 MARCH 2009
COMICS Humanation by Travis A. Ott-Conn
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
Across
Chestnut by Shawn Branden
Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
1- Peeling potatoes, perhaps 5- Short tail 9- PC expert 13- Threesome 14- Jazz pianist Art 16- Brit’s exclamation 17- Makes brown 18- Muse of lyric poetry 19- Sphere 20- Law of Moses 22- Soul 24- Family name of Juliet 27- Small blemish 28- Exaggerate 29- Roman capital of Palestine 33- Men 34- Sect 35- Become closer to 36- Give ___ rest 37- Vends 38- Compass dir. 39- Badgers 41- Fine and delicate 42- Article of bedding 44- Somewhat green 46- Proceed in a leisurely way 47- Allot 48- Ship’s small boat
49- Sled 52- Feel unwell 53- Specks 57- Harbor 58- Lauder of cosmetics 60- Riding 61- “Rule Britannia” composer 62- Staggers 63- Expensive seating area 64- Driving aids 65- Hand over 66- Be in front
Down 1- Polo Grounds legend 2- Heston’s org. 3- Relatives 4- Attitude 5- Sound investment? 6- 200 milligrams 7- Four Corners state 8- Exclamation of contempt 9- Like the Dalai Lama 10- Son of Isaac and Rebekah 11- Still 12- Tree frog 15- Rag-dolls 21- Auto pioneer 23- Refusals
24- Arrival 25- Incarnation 26- Animal fur 27- Sudden rushing forth 29- Oyster spawn 30- Do-over button 31- Art supporter 32- Narrow mountain ridge 34- _____ and desist 37- Slide 40- Natives of the Middle East 42- Plant 43- Odds and ends container 45- Not pos. 46- “Honor Thy Father” author 48- Give up 49- Petty quarrel, ejected saliva 50- Traditional knowledge 51- Sea-going eagle 52- To ___ (perfectly) 54- Siouan speaker 55- Garment of ancient Rome 56- Raced 59- Brief instant
Talk talk, talk talk.
e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
ANSWERS You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
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2 MARCH 2009
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. “Nutmeg?” Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“Oh, Movie Town is gonna kill me.”
Volume 65 Issue 06
Monday, March 2nd, 2009
LBUNION.COM (SERIOUSLY)
Area Girlfriend’s Butthole Still Unpenetrated Retarded Mayor Forwards Email of Obama’s Victory Garden Despite Boyfriend’s Best Efforts BY SEXUAL RANDY
That face Randy Tiffhomp (above, all grease) is making has failed to get him anal many times before. “Today is a new day,” says Tiffhomp.
BY GAELIC FORESKYNE GLENDALE, CA – It was announced last Thursday by area girlfriend, Candice Wojtyla, 18, that her boyfriend won’t stop asking for anal sex. Her boyfriend, Raffi Tiffhomp, 20, has tried every available means to gain her consent, from flowers to waiting until she fell asleep, but to no avail. “This has been a real difficult time for me,” the techno loving boyfriend commented. “As far as buggery goes, it isn’t hard to understand why the fixation occurs,” said Dr. Carter L. Fong, psychologist and butt sexpert. “It’s really just a simple case of post-Laconic fetishization of the female form as a response to disavowal of the vagina as a symbol for castration.” Dr. Fong then lit his pipe with a lighter shaped like Karl Jung’s head. “Plus, you know, it’s anal sex.” When asked if Dr. Fong had ever taken part in the act, he said, “No way, my wife would kill me!”
When we met with Raffi, he was in the middle of an important clan match, but as soon as he got his dome scoped by some “queer with a noobtube” he made time to comment about his insistence of violating his girlfriend’s nethers. “I mean, come on, bro, she can’t hold out on me forever. It’s like in Vietnam. Her butt is the US Marines and my dong is the VC. Eventually, I’ll wear her down day by day and as soon as she drops her guard, I strike like the viper.” After the area boyfriend was gibbed by a proximity mine he added, “Tet would be when I [come], I think. I guess ARVN could be the gooch, maybe? The analogy isn’t perfect, but then again who is?” Last Thursday’s attempt to slip his partner a ring finger was the 647th attempt by Raffi and if his purchase of a box of wine and the movie 9½ Weeks is any indication, it won’t be his last 647 attempts, either.
LOS ALAMITOS, CA – Retarded Mayor Dean Grose of Los Alamitos went on an email forwarding rampage last Monday after receiving an email containing an image of Barack Obama’s victory garden. Every one of the Retarded Mayor’s email contacts received the attached image at least eight times, reports the Associated Press. The White House staff planted the victory garden consisting mainly of watermelons and Secret Service agents disguised as watermelons, in order to feed Americans whom the president feels may need the sustenance in these trying times. “The president really just wants to give back to the national community,” says White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “We’re very honored that such a…erhm [sic] special Mayor of—where the fuck was it again? Los Angelinos? That sounds fake. Jim, look that up.” Retarded Mayor Grose could not be more pleased with himself, says one source very close to Retarded Mayor. Another source claims that the source very close to Retarded Mayor is, in fact, Retarded Mayor. Retarded Mayor Grose reportedly is set to resign immediately from his current position, determined to plant a hastily constructed and poorly designed victory garden of his very own, composed mainly of legal writs and his neighbors’ tennis shoes. Controversy struck the mayor’s office shortly after his storm of emails,
Retarded Mayor Dean Grose (above).
however, as one of his employees, an African American woman named Keyanus Price did not at all like Obama’s victory garden. “PriSe Iss mEEenn,” says our source via an email with an attached photo of Obama’s victory garden. “Priz sai taRD MEYER LIKE rassism. Not truth speeCk. luv watrmelon tho. ROFL!” Despite Price’s complaint, Retarded Mayor Dean Grose is still planning on stepping down from office to work on his victory garden. However, he will retain his post as a city councilman. When asked to comment, Retarded Mayor pretended to ignore us and attempted to plant a half deflated basketball. He then watered it with an aide’s urine, saying he was “all out from earlier, ha!”
INSIDE
Self Help Guru Helps Self to Salad Bar
Gil Redonski, an area man dedicated to helping people help themselves, decided to help himself to a salad bar at Shakey’s last Sunday. “I thought, ‘hey how about Gil for a change,’ y’know?” said Redonski has he made a salad consisting mostly of croutons and bleu cheese dressing. PAGE GR8
Bi-Polar Ice Cap Scalds Scientist
A team of Antarctic researchers were torn asunder this past Saturday when their team leader, Dr. Maximilian Niklas Omaschlagen, scalded the tip of his favorite index finger on a bi-polar ice cap. The group then tried to placate the ice cap by spraying it with liquid nitrogen. PAGE SH5
Barbara Streisand’s Vagina Releases New Album PAGE YS7
Area Homosexual Tired of Falling for Men with Hacked Facebook Accounts PAGE 25