ISSUE 64.07 “A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.” –Bruce Lee the latter). And from Feb. 1st to March 2nd, we both had to turn a blind eye to most of our favorite foods. It was an experience to say the least, and I LETTERS TO THE EDITOR genuinely feel all the better for having done it. But, obviously, it’s really fucking tough MIKE “BEEF” (and I want to emphasize PALLOTTA that “fucking”). Go check out Caitlin’s article on pg. 6-7 for all the details on our monthhe things we do for friends. If long tours through veganism. you haven’t noticed from the Onto the mail: cover yet, this issue’s feature focuses on veganism and the slim pos- Dear Grunion: sibility of being able to practice a vegan diet on campus. Back in December, Lit. I am utterly appalled that even Editor Caitlin Cutt threw out the idea of after Mike Sternfeld’s courageous letgoing vegan for a month. She wanted to ter to the editor last week, you would get an in-depth look at what it means to continue passing off pernicious truths change your lifestyle drastically, and go- as satire in such a wanton manner. In ing vegan seemed like a pretty life-alter- fact, rather than learning from your ing move. We figured it’d provide some mistakes and focusing on a target that insight for people who don’t know much is too weak (or illiterate) to fight back, about veganism (outside of the thought you continue to drag us all through the that you can’t eat anything). Caitlin muck. You discriminate indiscrimisounded like she was going to need a nately, and this is unforgivable. wingman on this one, coupled with the Have you once stopped to consider fact that I’d been meaning to stop eat- the lives of those you mock, their liveing pastrami sandwiches, so I offered to lihoods and feelings? Of course not. throw myself into the fire with her. Take for example this week’s outraWe committed to giving ourselves geous exploitation of a photo of Gary to this cause/diet (depending on how Brolsma, famed Numa Numa dancer, you look at it, myself focusing more on in the caption for which you imply
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that he is a homosexual. While this is 100% true, Gary has lost several hundred pounds as he sinks deeper and deeper into depression at the realization that his webcam video from 2004 has outed him to over 900 million viewers worldwide. How dare you make light of his pain, Grunion! On a related note, I expect to collect full reparations for your shameless use of my likeness without permission. I also expect you to distribute copies of my new album in conjunction with your next issue. God hates you, Grunion, and so do I. Sincerely, Barbara Streisand’s Vagina A response from Grunion Editor Sophisticated Bear: Spiteful Vagina, The Grunion merely presents the facts, no matter the consequences. It may seem harsh, but it’s nowhere near as harsh as your vagina that offends even the likes of the Frothy Sea. Sophisticated Bear, Grunion Editor Ask Away! Need advice from a man named Beef? Any questions/comments? Well send all questions to editorinbeef@gmail.com!
MIKE PALLOTTA Editor-in-Chief KATHY MIRANDA Managing Editor JOE BRYANT Managing Editor
editorinbeef@gmail.com kathym.union@gmail.com joeb.union@gmail.com
MATT DUPREE matt.dupree@gmail.com Senior Editor RACHEL RUFRANO rachel.union@gmail.com Opinions Editor JAMES KISLINGBURY jamesk.union@gmail.com News Director CAITLIN CUTT caitlincutt.union@gmail.com Literature Editor & PR JOE BRYANT joeb.union@gmail.com Entertainment Editor SEAN BOULGER seanb.union@gmail.com Music Editor & PR KATIE REINMAN reinman.union@gmail.com Creative Arts Editor MICHAEL VEREMANS scarf.union@gmail.com Creative Writing Editor VICTOR CAMBA victorpc.union@gmail.com Comics Editor KATHY MIRANDA kathym.union@gmail.com Culture Editor SOPHISTICATED BEAR bear.grun@gmail.com Grunion Editor CLAY COOPER, STEVEN CAREY Graphic Designers CHRIS LEE photos4union@gmail.com Photo Editor JOE BRYANT On-Campus Distribution CLAY COOPER clay.union@gmail.com Internet Caregiver ALLAN STEINER allan.union@gmail.com Advertising Executive VINCENT GIRIMONTE, ERIN HICKEY, ALAN PASSMAN, JASON OPPLIGER, CHRISTINE HODINH, JESSE BLAKE, DOMINIC MCDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, RUSSELL CONROY, ANDREW LEE, KEN CHO, TYLER DINLEY, ANDY KNEIS, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, SIMONE HARRISON, JOE HAUSER, TESSA NEVAREZ, JOHN YANG, KEVIN O’BRIEN, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, CHRIS FABELA, JOE HAMMOND, CARLOS GARCIA, SHAWN BRANDEN, JACQUELINE LI, NORBERT SCHüRER, STEVE WORDEN Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.
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All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.
ANDREW LEE
The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office. Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY
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GHOST OF DEBS
DECRIMINALIZE IT, DON’T REGULATE IT
dressed in traditional garments. coalesced together, their raiment all These garments found on blended together. As the drumbeat young and old alike exhibited quickened so to did the dancing and the spectacular decorations unique chanting; what was at first a slow walk INDIGENOUS CULTURE to each tribe. Adornments became a quick dance. Bells on dancers YOU CAN’T BUILD A included talons, complex garments filled the space between the beadwork, feathers, vivacious high chanting and the deep drums. Each PARKING LOT OVER fabrics and bells. group displayed dances, some bobbing Within the outer circle up and down, some dancing in circular KEVIN O’BRIEN was a smaller one consisting patterns, others marching in high hop of some 13 drummers. These like steps to the beat. drummers were members of The words of John Dawson on his past weekend, March 7-8, The Whitecloud Singers, a family singing the significance of the drum within Cal State Long Beach hosted group. The group spans five generations Native American culture also gained the 39th annual Long Beach and was the primary source of music momentum with the quickening energy. Powwow. Each year the powwow is for the two days as well as playing the What this powwow was putting forth centered on a different theme, this year’s role of a cultural and spiritual symbol was more central than a goal or ideal, theme “ekweenax tovaangara” translates for the powwow. Master of ceremonies or even a theme. There, tribes once to “caring for the earth.” A valid and John Dawson explained the importance scattered and torn apart came together current message, it was well delivered by of the drum within Native American in reverence for ancient ideals. This was the ancient and time-honored tradition culture saying “When you are in the an attempt, the 39th in Long Beach, of the powwow. [drum] circle you don’t cheat, you don’t to pass those ideals on to another For those of you who have only been lie to your elders…this is what we have generation as well as spread them exposed to a diluted powwow in your been taught.” throughout the world. 8th grade science camp, a traditional The first major event was powwow consists primarily of a series “The Grand Entrance.” As of dances, accompanied by singing and Whitecloud Singers began drumming. to beat their drums and a The Long Beach Powwow was loud cry went up. First the organized into a pair of concentric color guard brought in the circles. A myriad of Native American American flag, and then a tribes composed the outer ring. flag reading POW-MIA in Groups such as the Peoria Tribe and memorial to those lost in the Flathead Nation were present, and the Vietnam War. Members while majority of the tribes were from of the various tribes present the United Sate some hailed from as each sent out a selection far away as Canada. Regardless of their of their dancers. A slow origin they all proudly displayed their procession on the inside Two participants at this year’s Powwow colors and participated. of the outermost circle show the products of their culture. Each tribe presented a set of dancers began. As the many dancers
POW WOW!
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MICHAEL VEREMANS Stoners, potheads, and casual medicators, our entire culture is at risk. In a so-called progressive move, Assemblyman Ammiano has introduced measure AB 390 into the California legislature, a bill that seeks to legalize cannabis in order to tax and regulate it. For an underground phenomenon that has been developing thriving communities around the world that encourage open-mindedness, art, and peace, there can be no worse project than for the state to take cannabis from the hands of the people and turn it into another capitalist tool of a failing empire. We must call on our representatives to decriminalize, and not regulate, marijuana. Don’t get comfortable just because you’re hearing legalization in the news, this bill is a harsh compromise on some decriminalization efforts we have already made in this state. You know what they do to your pay check? They’re gonna do that to weed, levying a $50 tax per ounce, including on medical marijuana, placing this powerful cure-all out of the hands of low to no income patients. Like every other pharmaceutical. Decriminalization without regulation, however, would allow the law enforcement and corrections to save billions while keeping the governments hands out of the stoner pocket. I mean, we pay tax on everything else, but we can GROW this. Perhaps worse, regulation would introduce a whole sheet of new marijuana laws in California. Whereas someone caught with a negligible amount of bud will usually have it confiscated, whether 18 or 65, the introduction of an age-limit would lead to the potential arrest of the 18-year-old who otherwise would have been able to smoke with impunity. While decriminalization creeps across California, punishments for minors in possession are generally light, with measure AB 390, people under 21 would face persecution. We would see open legislation against smoking in public, driving under the influence (with THC blood level testers on the way). Cannabis does not deserve to be subjected to our draconian alcohol laws and our often-barbaric alcoholic culture; this bill is lazy in that it doesn’t introduce new, more reflexive marijuana legislation. It is an emergency measure that some “liberal” opportunists see as a chance to make history, but at what cost? Long term, the measure will actually hinder our civil rights and actually increase marijuana discrimination and should be more carefully and, dare I say, compassionately considered by our politicians. I’m not traditionally a traditionalist, but when it comes to bud, many of us get immense pleasure from the underground, under the radar experience it provides us. With measure 390, we would have to abandon the religious confidentiality of an illicit fraternity—no more going to some guy’s living room. We must also act to save cannabis from corporate exploitation and manipulation. Total marijuana decriminalization as it now stands is the answer, not legalization with regulation. But, if this measure does pass, we must be vigilant in ensuring that regulation does impede the access to cannabis we enjoy now.
STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF JOHN YANG Museums kick ass. The Natural History Museum hosts the wildly successful “First Fridays”—that combines learning, experts in the history and related fields, with DJ’s spinning and art (the next one is April 3rd). This Saturday is Pi Day, or, 3.14 and for those of you who don’t know what it is, google it. Art students, go design the next parking permit and do a good job! Everyone else, keep busy. Winner gets massive street cred and $250 bucks. Want to know what those kids do who run ASI? Find out by going to the Board of Control meetings every Tuesday at 3:30, and Senate meetings every Wednesday, and feel free to get a little crazy. Apparently, it’s pretty difficult to advertise on campus, unless you’re Jesus.
Just ask those white people who pass out green bibles. Hey pretty people! Go audition for some model work all week at USU 205. Men, no baggy clothes (cause then you’re probably a douche) and ladies bring heels. What are your summer plans? How about going to Prague, Vienna, Bratislava, and Budapest for a Philosophy of Art class? More info here http://www. csulb.edu/~jvancamp/travel_2009.
it. It’s open to join or just watch and this Friday they are going to battle so it should be a good time. This is not a sentence about the escalators not working. To all the students who abuse the carpool system, I hope you get in to a car accident. To the parking officers, can we get more of your folks at the carpool lot? Thanks.
Cinemosaic kicks off next week showcasing foreign films at the USU Beach Auditorium with movies Monday through Wednesday at 7pm. I know I write about a lot of crappy events, but I’m actually going to this one so I’ll see you there!
There’s another noontime concert this week. Don’t care about ‘em? Maybe you would if you knew they cost $300800 on average. Tell them what you like in person at the program council office on the first floor of the USU or fill out the survey on the bottom right when you log in to BeachBoard.
Every Friday at 7pm in PE93 the CSULB Breakers (one of the better clubs on campus) get together and kick
I’d love to write about more positive stuff, if it exists. How hard is it to write an email? stateofthebeach@gmail.com. UNION WEEKLY
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OPINIONS
MATT DUPREE
THESE GOLDEN YEARS I WOULD FINALLY MAKE MY FATHER PROUD. FINALLY. JAMES KISLINGBURY
Illustration JAMES KISLINGBURY
Time travel is something of a concern of mine. I’ve discussed this before—December, I think it was. What, I’m repeating myself? I don’t have a single original thought in my head? Fuck you, I’m talking about time! This affects us all! And besides, nobody ever criticized Jesus for talking about fishing all the damn time. So stow your snide comments for three damn minutes. The only feasible scenario that I see would have to be in some kind of Time Cop-type situation where I witness a time-based crime and I’d have to be put into the Time Witness Protection Program. In this case I think I get to choose when and where I go back in time. Right? Who cares? Point stands. Many would choose the 1960s, but these people are cowards and probably mentally infirm. The time I would go with—because I’m not a 17-year-old girl—is New York, 1975. It’s post-coke, pre-AIDS, you’ve got the emerging punk scene on the one hand and coke-addled David Bowie in the other. It’d be great. On weekdays I could watch Woody Allen movies (back when he was good) and on my weekends I could get coked up and kick Andy Warhol in the head. It’d be great. If I’m not busy on that day, I could even save Ian Curtis—John Lennon too. Why not? Eventually I’d have to live through the 80s, but they really aren’t so bad. Sure you’ve got rat tails and glam metal, but at least I get to vote for Reagan. Eff yeah. I mentioned this last time, but my second choice would be to stop Hitler. And afterwards, I’d punch FDR right in his gold-bricking, socialism-loving ass. Right in it. I’d get away with it, because I figure I’ve got plenty of lee-way after solving the whole Lebensraum issue (German for: “We is cunts.” German is a strange language). While punching said president, I’d hold my other hand out, palm first, towards the nearest camera. I would do this so that years later my UNION WEEKLY
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future dad (past dad?) could look at my picture in the encyclopedia and high five his past son (future son?) across time. Then I could take a photo of him high-fiving the book and take this whole thing to Escher-esque proportions of chicanery. This is what we call the “Elektra Complex.” Just in case the Time Cops are reading this, these are the following times I will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES travel to. This is non-negotiable. Let the fucking future criminals freeze me in carbonite or rape my fourthdimensional sex organs with screwdrivers. I don’t care. Death would be a better alternative to these time zones. No Civil War. It has long since been established that the Civil War is the lamest of all possible eras. It’s full of nothing but itchy clothing, twirling mustaches, and fervent assholes that think that the n-word is acceptable in polite conversation (but not mixed company, strangely). It’s also the nerdiest war of all time. Nerdier than ‘Nam, nerdier than WWII, and even nerdier than the Revolutionary War (which is pretty goddamn nerdy). Plus, the Civil War tapers right into the epoch of train nerds, and those poor souls are the untouchables of the nerd caste system. No Napoleonic Europe either, because that’s basically just the Civil War but for British dorks. I’d probably get a whole lot less Dr. Who references, but I would come at the cost of having to look at the dentifrice-free zone that they call mouths— those crooked, decaying punji pits that erupt out their tuber-white flesh. Ugh. So, yeah, time travel. Know it, love it, live it. By the way, if anyone knows a safer way to time travel, that’d be grand. I’m not too keen on the idea of being a witness to a time-crime. I get this creepy sensation that it’d drive me insane. God knows the last thing the past needs is more crazy people.
Like every living creature, I hate getting sick. Everything becomes more difficult and painful and it frustrates the hell out of me. So whenever I get sick, I immediately make all available efforts to get well. I take extra vitamins, drink plenty of fluids, and get as much rest as possible. And until recently, I always made a trip to the Student Health Center—or Urgent Care if it was more serious—to get medicine in order to not feel so suicidally awful during the recovery process. I say “until recently” because the last time I got sick, I got shafted by both the Student Health Center and the Urgent Care Clinic, and I’m never going to back to either. Now, to be honest, I never really had that much faith in the Student Health Center. Their range of diagnoses begins and ends with “give ‘em some Zithromax” and it’s probably just the natural outgrowth of dealing with sick, pathetic students all day every day. Of course, up until a while ago they’d give you a doctor’s note for class so they were at least partly useful. Now it seems they have a firm “blood in urine” requirement for every excusal note, which probably explains why upper respiratory infections tear through campus like brush fire every other month. Last time I was sick, I left the Student Health Center with my token prescription and not surprisingly woke up the next morning even closer to death’s door. I couldn’t sleep I was coughing so badly, and I was throwing up anything that touched my lips. I needed something stronger than the kangaroo clinic was going to offer me, so I went to the Urgent Care clinic. I caught this particular plague from my girlfriend, and she’d gone to the same clinic a couple of days earlier. She’d been well taken care of and I was looking forward to the same treatment. What I got was a quick-anddirty lesson in medical profiling. My girlfriend (we’ll call her Patient A) received the following: Amoxicillin, Prednisone, Cough Syrup (with Codeine), & Vicodin. I (Patient B, or Mud if you’re a doctor) received: a unit of fluid intravenously & a hearty farewell. Same symptoms, same clinic, but I got shafted. This always happens to me. I get the bare minimum from doctors and I’m too embarrassed to ask for anything more than that. Now, usually I can just assume that the doctor’s making the same choices that he/she would for any patient, but now I’ve actually seen the disparity of the thing, and it fucking blows. It’s been suggested that since I internalize my suffering (balling up, cringing, being silent), it’s easy for doctors and those who play them on TV to shoo me away with a band-aid. Well not anymore. I’m feeling good and shopping for a new doctor, and the first question I’m going to ask is, “Have you ever worked at Long Beach State?”
OPINIONS
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nal hygiene is one of the last things people want to talk about—trust me. I have received some interesting faces from my friends when I have recently asked them, “Do you scrub your asshole?” Some of them just begin to laugh and others just give me looks of disgust. If it wasn’t for reactions like these, I don’t think I would be in the predicament I am in right now. It might seem juvenile (which is the exact reason why I blame my parents for this one), but scrubbing your anus can easily be something that is overlooked and ignored. It all began last week when I was conversing with my co-workers. We somehow got to the topic of scrubbing your brown eye (don’t ask me how we got on to this topic, but it has been slow at work lately). One of my coworkers happened to mention that she washed her anus in the shower. I quickly called her out for being disgusting. All of a sudden, my other co-workers looked at me and asked in disgust, “You don’t scrub your asshole?” Don’t get me wrong, I am a relatively clean guy. I scrub and wash my whole body well when I take a shower. I make sure to wash behind my ears and what not, but I never imagined diving into my crack to make sure to scrub my asshole. The thought of actually scrubbing my scat cave with something I was going to wash myself with later is what disgusted me the most. Even if you use a loofha or the bar of soap (or even the “soapy hand,” as someone told me) to do it, you’ll probably end up washing your body again with whatever you use. Sure, you can run the loofha or the bar of soap under water and everything will be fine and peachy. I
still think that thing is crawling with bacteria. I am now, and may always be, traumatized by the loofha and the bar of soap in my shower. I’m traumatized because I still live at home and there is only one shower in my house. Everyone in my family uses the same loofha and soap. I do not even want to imagine where that loofha and bar of soap have been (getting the chills just thinking about it) before I even begin to use it. After asking my friends if they cleaned their rectum, it became apparent to me that it was normal to wash it when you shower. Conversely, I also found out I wasn’t alone when it came to neglecting the anus in the shower. These same people were just as disgusted when they realized people scrubbed their anuses. I soon looked up anal hygiene on the internet and discovered some things. Like if you scrub too hard sometimes you could do more harm than good when you clean back there (So, I suggest you don’t scrub the crap out of it, no pun intended). But overall your anus isn’t something that should be ignored. Some of you may be shocked to find that people even go near their anus, let alone actually make contact with their hand, when they shower. These readers should not go through life oblivious to the importance and art of asshole scrubbery. People should be aware and perform proper anal hygiene. I still don’t think I have gotten over the disgust of washing my anus in the shower. Though, I think I might take the advice of just using Wet Ones® (baby wipes, basically). Either way, wish me luck, people, because I think I am going to try something I have never tried before.
AN OPINION THAT MATTERS
READ THE TEXT BELOW AND IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE JOE BRYANT Hey pal, I’ve got opinions. I’ve got opinions aplenty. One of the worst parts— like, if there’s one thing that…let me—I can explain it real clear. I mean, I think things that I have to say about things are really interesting things. I’m an opinionated fellow. Often times I find myself with so many things to have opinions on that I’m like, “Hey buddy, get me an auditorium and I could chew some ears. Let me tell you what: if you gave me some sort of venue from which I could tell dozens—no, scores—of people what I thought about some things—no, hundreds…wait, thousands—then you’d hear some mind-blowing shit. Millions.” I would reveal so much about so many things that people never could formulate arguments to—I mean, combat the…well, you know my thoughts on it. I shouldn’t even have to explain it really. I don’t want to go into it really, but—oh alright. So I
mean, come on. There’s a lot of people out there that think they could like, rebut, or whatever, my opinions. Y’know—like, they could actually explain better—think about it. You know. Or I think you know what I’m talking about. You got it. Yeah. And another thing, this isn’t just me. I mean, other people—lots of people—agree with me. C’mon now, there’s—look, I mean listen: I can’t, or I’m not just the guy that does these…right? Look I know that you know that everybody knows how much we all know. Right? Yeah. Look at the facts, so many of us just all—we just really…jive, y’know. Yeah. Don’t try to talk me out of it either. I’m stuck on this one. It’s got a hold—it’s a fever I can’t just—God, what am I trying to say. Okay, imagine you’re me—I know, I know, I know—but work with me here, okay? Okay. Okay. So you’re at this computer and you’re typing this article and then you’re like, here, right? And you’ve got this infallible argument
and everyone’s like, “Whoa there, Joe, slow down,” but you’re like, “Hey man, don’t… uhh, I’m not gonna be, like, dissuaded here. There are—I have rules and you’re stepping— there’s just no way around them, okay?” Okay, so like, you’ve got it. It’s pretty solid. It’s all covered—the bases I mean. Not my—why would you think—okay, yeah. I get it. But—conversely—it’s like, c’mon y’know? If there’s like a better thing to say my thing to, I don’t know who. It’s just…it’s strange. There’s this dichotomy between the two things that separates them, but at the same time defines them—the arguments I mean. Like, who says I can’t, right? Right. At this point—I mean granted—there’s gonna be some dissent. But who doesn’t get dissent? All the great—the leaders of…history have just been able to word everything in such a way—and I mean the people…the leaders…guys like Washington and Eisenhower and—Carver? Carver. They’ve got it man. They’ve got it. UNION WEEKLY
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Illustrations
CARLOS GARCIA
RACHEL RUFRANO
THE IMPORTANCE OF ANAL HYGieNE
CAITLIN CUTT
SOY MEETS WORLD M
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y grandpa was a vegan for almost fifty years and he was the smartest person I have ever met. He was a Fulbright opera signer and could speak three languages fluently—all of this was self-taught, by the way. But he was also a staunch Republican. In fact, if he had ever lived to see who and what I voted for in this last election, it would have taken every fiber of his being to not call me a socialist and a communist, and he, without question, would have assumed that I was a lesbian. While Grandpa was a vegan only for health reasons (he had a blood disease that made animal products lethal to him) I didn’t think to call him a “vegan” until recently. I guess it was the fact that the term itself has such a different connotation. The idea of a person being “vegan” suggests more than a polite aversion to animal products. I don’t think I need to paint that picture for you. I’m sure whatever “vegan” idea you have going on in your head looks nothing like a World War II veteran who’s in love with Ann Coulter. The idea that my Grandpa had been a vegan made me laugh and got my mind going. Was my grandpa a “vegan” even if he didn’t give a crap about animal rights and was a wholehearted believer in trickle-down economics? Where did I land, for that matter? Liberal persuasion aside, I wasn’t exactly ready to rail against the establishment, or set a bunch of chicks free. One thing was certain: I realized that I had, yet again, formed an opinion about something I knew nothing about. I’m sure all of you open-minded people out there can understand how troubling this realization would be. In the mean time, while all of this was swimming around in my head, I
ANDREW LEE UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
WHAT’S VEGAN ON CAMPUS
GOING VEGAN AT CSULB had also been dealing with a mysterious stomach problem (the details of which I will spare you from), and I had gained fifteen pounds in Europe over the summer that were just not going away. I figured that eliminating meat and dairy would obviously help with the weight, and my doctor suggested that the switch would even help with my upset stomach. Finally, what really got me to give this whole thing a shot was simply meeting people, a lot of people, who were simultaneously vegan and capable of talking about stuff other than their being vegan. I decided to talk to Beef, my Editor-in-Chief, about turning this personal social experiment into a feature. I guess I was half-expecting Beef to laugh at me, but to my surprise/delight, he responded by saying, “Good idea! I’ll do it with you!” The irony of a guy named “Beef ” going vegan didn’t escape us, believe me, and on February 1st, the guy named after “What’s for dinner?” and a self-admitted cheese addict, went totally vegan. For the feature I decided not to use any statistics whatsoever. That’s not to say I didn’t read up on all of this. Over the last month, I watched a ton of those cow-slaughter video’s, I read how a pig has the same mental capacity as a dog, and dragged myself through lots of medical journals. But when it comes to health and the environment, I keep statistics to myself. The bigger an issue gets, the easier it is to fuck with the numbers. But I will say that there are a few facts that remain consistent across the board. Basically, if you eat meat you’ve got to accept that the production of meat and dairy has an exponentially bad effect on our environment. On top of that, the hormones used in that meat not only go in your
meat, but they come out your urine and it ends up in our water supply. The effects of these hormones are still not fully known. If you’re going to eat meat, you probably want to eat organic, and don’t eat tons of it. And at the end of the day, meat and dairy really isn’t that good for you. It’s just not. All of this information can be found if you really want to look it up. In fact, if you’re strongly considering a change, we have a really great resource on our campus. CAT (Cease Animal Torture) is a club on our campus that provided me with a lot of very credible sources me to look over, and they are really happy to answer any questions you may have about veganism. In fact, they’re gearing up for a fair that will be held April 6th and 7th in the USU (first floor) and it’ll be covering topics ranging from veganism to animal liberation. My own experience as a vegan was a really positive one. Granted, the first week was really hard, but as the month progressed I really started to enjoy it more and more. I was hungry much less, I had much more energy, I slept better, and to top if off, my stomach problems totally went away—but I will say that I have pooed more in the last month than I ever have in my whole life. I noticed that when I cut out things like dairy, I ended up cutting out things like excess sugar, sodium, preservatives and hormones by proxy. But the best part was, for the first time in my life, I was able to consistently look back on my day of eating, and be proud that I took care of my body. While the physical effects were great, being a vegan is really hard. Cravings aside, the way our society eats, makes veganism pretty tricky. Beef and I talked over and over again
ERIN HICKEY While I highly recommend packing a lunch, sometimes there just isn’t time. Here are some options for when you’re stuck on campus without a meal:
about how hard it was to find things to eat—on and off-campus. If you don’t want to try veganism, that’s fine. But the next time you go out to eat, or even the next time you’re standing in your pantry, take a look at the ingredients in the foods that you’re presented with, and you’ll start to get a glimpse of what it’s like. In a lot of products, while maybe without meat, you can almost always find some dairy product in them. Actually, some of our more frustrating days were the days we discovered that things we thought were vegan, were actually not even vegetarian because they had been cooked with chicken stock! What we slowly realized as the month progressed was, as a friend of mine put it, being vegan is more about effort than success. I think we’re all trying to avoid being that guy who shows up to a barbeque in a “Meat is Murder” tshirt, or that girl who says she’s sad she won’t see you in heaven because you voted “No” on prop 8. Not only are these people annoying, but in trying to keep from being like them, we just don’t try anything new. But hey, look at my grandpa! You can be somewhere in the middle. As long as you don’t surround yourself with people exactly like you, you’ll never be one of those people anyway. With that being said, I want to encourage people out there to try being vegan. I’m glad I did it. I’m not going to stay a vegan, but I am cutting out dairy and only really going back to fish. If you do try it, I can promise you that by the end of a month you’ll learn more about food, the politics of food, and your own body than you ever thought you would. That will mean a lot to you. On top of all of it, if you don’t want stay a vegan, at least you can say you tried it.
The Beach Hut is absolutely, hands down, the most vegan-friendly spot on campus. Vegan chili, Have ‘A Chips, and vegan cookies are just a few of the delicious treats you can find there. They also offer things that are “accidentally vegan,” such as Oreos, and Fritos (original flavor only). In fact, sad as it may be, all of the on-campus convenience stores have more vegan options than the on-campus restaurants. The dining halls are a close second to the Beach Hut, but their menu options are often inconsistent. The taco bar has soyrizo most of the time and the bagel station occasionally offers tofutti cream cheese. If you go to one of the dining halls, you’re guaranteed to find something vegan, and it’s all-you-can-eat for $7 (unless you live in the dorms). The downside? You have to pay before you get to see what they’re serving, so you could have a plethora of options one day and end up severely limited the next. Subway is slightly more limited. Order a Veggie Delite, hold the cheese, hold the mayo, add avocado. Add sweet onion dressing if you feel like it. Yum. Taco Bell’s beans, rice, and guacamole are all vegan, as are their tortillas and corn taco shells. The chalupa shells are not vegan. A bean and cheese burrito with rice and guacamole instead of cheese is one good option. A bean tostada with no cheese is another. If you find yourself at Robeks, almost any smoothie with soy sorbet (or extra fruit if you’re feeling healthy) instead of yogurt or sherbet is vegan. As awkward as you may feel placing an order at “The Sausage Kingdom,” Jody Maroni’s veggie dog is vegan. Obviously plain old coffee and tea are vegan at both Coffee Bean and Starbucks, and you can substitute soy milk in milk-based beverages. None of the flavored drinks at Coffee Bean are vegan, since they use dairy-based powders. Starbucks uses syrups, most of which are vegan-friendly. All of the standard “clear” syrups are vegan (vanilla, hazelnut, raspberry, etc.), as is the mocha syrup. However, the white mocha, pumpkin spice, and caramel sauce are not. Neither chain offers a vegan blended drink, but Starbucks’ Vivanno can be made vegan if you ask for soy milk and no whey protein. It’s important to note that not one single item at Panda Express (yes, that includes their tofu dish) is vegan or even vegetarian, and that the Nugget’s veggie burger patty contains both cheese and egg. UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
MUSIC
Talking Through Tin Cans A Conversation with The Morning Benders
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t’s not easy to be a rock band these days. The economy sucks, and the musical climate isn’t really much better, at least as far as mainstream demand is concerned. The Morning Benders, however, have had no problem creating music as accessible as it is well-executed. Released last year, Talking Through Tin Cans is a wonderful debut: sunny and original, the album has an immediately endearing homegrown quality to it, and upon meeting these gentlemen, it became clear why. The Morning Benders are four polite, unassuming young gentlemen. I had the pleasure of sitting down with the band’s lead singer Chris Chu for a few minutes before their show at LA’s Troubadour last week.
UW: What place on the last tour do you have the fondest memories of? CC: It’s always New York, yeah. There were a lot of good shows, though. Denver was really rad.
Union Weekly: So what have you guys been up to lately? What’s been happening and what’s on the menu? Chris Chu: Well we just toured the great country of America, played a bunch of cities—even some in Canada!
UW: Do you guys have a new record anytime soon? CC: Yeah, there’s another one coming out in the Fall.
UW: Oh yeah, how was Canada? CC: It was cold. UW: Good times up there, though? CC: Yeah, we went to Montreal. It was really cool, but freezing as shit. We didn’t get stuck in ice or anything, though. Canada’s always fun, but it’s a bitch to get through the border. You would think—we don’t seem very threatening, and we do whatever they tell us to, but they hold you there if you don’t have one little paper. Or like, we had a paper that was cut off and didn’t have the exact venue information, so they held us and we had to get a new one faxed. They’re really intense over there. But it was a fun show. UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
UW: What stuck out about Denver? CC: Well this is the first tour that we did on our own. We co-headlined, so we switched it up every night, and that lets you get an idea of where we have actual fans, you know? It’s different when you’re supporting a band. In Denver, we had all these people that knew all the songs and were singing along. It was surprising.
UW: Really, another full-length? Does it have a name? CC: Yeah, it’s called Big Echo. UW: Who’s producing it? CC: Well, I sort of played the role of producer. We also have someone coming in to do some production stuff that we’re not talking about yet. We don’t want to jinx it, but we’re super excited about it. We’re playing South by Southwest in a few weeks, and then [we] finish the record. It’s done, but we have to do post-production on it, and then I think we’re going to take a few months off. UW: Who produced the last record? CC: Me, and my boss at the recording studio I was working at.
ANDREW LEE
UW: Was Talking Through Tin Cans your first album? CC: Yeah, that was our first. UW: You have an album of covers called The Bedroom Covers—did you record that at the same time? CC: That, we just kind of threw together over a few months. A few of those I recorded really early on when I got all my stuff—we did all of it at home when we were just learning. We wanted to keep it really simple and raw. UW: How do you feel about the new record in comparison to Talking Through Tin Cans? CC: Well, the first record was made with a very distinct style in mind. The palate was originally kind of limited, because there was a lot of ‘60s and ‘70s music we were listening to at the time. UW: Well it works to your benefit; the album has a very organic sound. CC: Yeah, and that’s exactly what we were going for. Lots of acoustic instruments, only some electric. The new album, we were a little more free with. We had a lot of toys and stuff. We actually did the first record all to tape—we started doing that with the next one, but we realized that would be a lot of tracks. UW: You’re not making a first record anymore! CC: Exactly. We kind of went wild, and whatever we wanted to do on a song, we threw it in. It ends up being a lot more special because of that. It has a really cool atmosphere to it.
postward distinct presence of emotional conviction in every song and his strict loyalty to simple musical compositions. However, I felt Hold Time fell a little short due to its lack of individuality, and its submission to broader and more generalized bluesy/folk overtones, an almost forced effort at sounding wistful. This is not to say the album is a complete loss, quite the opposite actually—the album furthers Ward’s talent as a skilled guitar player, notably his ability to master expanded musical compositions (more guitars, and layered percussion) but it also highlights Ward’s musical comfort zones. Hold Time lacks the interest in extending beyond the realm of the familiar, holding too much of its focus on tried melodies and worn-out sentiments. I can hear bits and pieces of Transfiguration of St. Vincent, undoubtedly my favorite of his albums and Ward at his best, coming through but the
essential imperfections of sound and dense emotion neccesary to a great Ward song is glossed over in attempt to create these larger themed and even catchier songs. Plus, the songs on Hold Time save for tracks “Hold Time”, “Never Had Nobody Like You” and Don Gibson’s “Oh Lonesome Me” have all lost the melancholic persona of which Ward demonstrates best with his crooning vocals. For an album that wants to convey themes of passing time, loneliness and mortality, the record is rather cheerful. It seems that M. Ward wants to accomplish the same setting of mood in this album that he has successfully executed in the past, but fails simply because, perhaps, he just isn’t that sad. Hold Time just isn’t as jaded and/or lonesome as it
sought out to be, and to Ward’s dismay, it has resulted in a few unimaginative songs. On the other hand, the live show warranted a much better review than the album due in large part to the vocal assistance of Zooey Deschanel (as it provided a break from the apparent jam session Ward was having with his bandmates) and Ward’s brutal shredding of the guitar during “Duet for Guitars #3”. His live “Rave On” cover was also pretty awesome, and admittedly, Deschanel looked and sounded pretty amazing singing along. I do feel nostalgic when I listen to M. Ward’s latest effort, nostalgic for the bold and vulnerable Ward, the guitarist before the dreamlike string sections, wishy washy motifs and the pretty brunette.
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he Henry Fonda Theater is a surprisingly glorious palace. It stands on an otherwise unadorned section of Hollywood Boulevard, artlessly showcasing your average marquee and neon lights—an easily forgettable sight for the average commuter. Fortunately, the outside did not reflect the inside. Instead the interior walls of the Henry Fonda boasts a nostalgic 1920s atmosphere, complete with a rooftop speakeasy and a beautifully designed main stage ornamented with striking French curves—a perfect venue for M. Ward, Portland-based singer/songwriter and guitar extraordinaire, who is currently on tour to promote his new nostalgiaridden, wanderlust album, Hold Time. M. Ward is Matt Ward, most recently famous for his extremely adorable collaboration with porcelain beauty and actress Zooey Deschanel as the soothing musical duo She & Him. Hold Time is an ambitious attempt at a matured sixth album but Ward has a hard time challenging his capabilities as a sophisticated guitarist. His biggest strength as a musician is the
ANDREW LEE
KATHY MIRANDA
bird watching with jacqueline li
JACQUELINE LI
least. He is everything anyone would want in a man. He has talent beyond any musician I have ever seen and uses a strange technique when he performs. He records layers of different violin tracks on a loop station and synchronizes another layer of whistling on top of that. Once he establishes each loop track, he starts to sing with his voice that never seems to falter. He has an interesting vernacular and a crazy knack for rhymes that makes you wonder what really goes on in his genius mind. The sheer musical brilliance of this man is enough to intrigue any musician, much less any other person with a taste for music. This Is Andrew Bird. Listen to him to grasp an idea.
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Imagine what it would feel like if you were floating on a cloud while staring at a beautiful man with the most beautiful voice who also had the amazing ability to pluck and play the violin, the guitar, the xylophone, and whistle all at the same time. Pretty fucking intense, right? Well, that is how I felt the night I saw Andrew Bird at the Orpheum. The Orpheum itself is a gorgeous baroque style theatre with stunning detail that spans from the seats to the ceiling. The acoustics within the building are enough to make your skin crawl. Overall, the feeling of the Orpheum was so pleasant that I would recommend attending any musical or theatrical performance. Andrew Bird is amazing to say the
UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
SPORTS March Radness
The Sporting events You Need to Attend This MOnth JOE HAMMOND
T Illustration CHRIS FABELA
he World Baseball Classic comes to California (March 7-23): It took the efforts of the entire world to finally bring a world championship to Dodger Stadium. The World Baseball Classic is a tournament that features nations like the US, Japan, Taiwan, South Africa, Mexico and the Dominican Republic playing in the “real” World Series. The Quarterfinals will be played at Petco Park in San Diego and the finals will be played at Dodger Stadium. The smart money says either Cuba or the Dominican Republic will be in it. Supposedly, Ichiro Suzuki is listed as a reserve pitcher for Japan should a game go into extra-innings and if you know who that is it probably means you should go. Japan Day at Santa Anita Racetrack (March 28): Sumos and Samurais at Santa Anita! A Japanese cultural festival and a day of thoroughbred horse racing.
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9 MARCH 2009
The festival features Japanese cuisine at budget prices and a full range of cultural demonstrations. I was pleased to note that in previous years hard to find Japanese items like Calpis drink were for sale. The festival beings with a Sumo Wrestling demonstration. Meanwhile the racing beings in the Tokyo City Cup, a Grade-III (read highest possible) race for only the most talented of 4-year-old horses. The cultural clash of experiencing Japanese and Jockey culture is a unique experience and the event is free (If you print out a ticket at http://www.tokyocitycup.com)! Free t-shirts will also be given out in case you rip yours in a Karate demonstration or something. Can’t make it Saturday? Check out Fridays for $1 hot dogs and drinks. Yes, even beer. Inaugural Women’s Professional Soccer match at Home Depot Center (March 29): We have seen this story before. A Los Angeles-based soccer club signs a famed international star in order
to grab headlines, only this time the team is the Los Angeles Sol and Marta is a three-time FIFA MVP. Unlike David Beckham she won’t find her way into the tabloid section, but she will actually score more than twice this season, which is also unlike David Beckham. This new women’s league replaces the former Women’s United Soccer League which folded in 2003. The new league is of course the Women’s Professional Soccer league, which has nothing to do with the old league other than using some of the same franchise leagues of course. The signing of Marta forces us to ask two questions: Is it a good idea to open a new sports league in the midst of the current recession and why do Brazilian soccer stars go by only one name? Examples include Marta, Roladhino, Pele and the unfortunately named Kaka.
LITERATURE MORAL AUTHORITY AND MOCKERY
AUthor Greg Mortenson’s Presentation at the Carpenter doesn’t Go as planned NORBERT Schürer, Assistant English Professor
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reg Mortenson is an inspiration and a moral beacon, and his Three Cups of Tea is a book everyone should read. Too bad his message at the Carpenter Center on Friday was marred, mocked, and undermined by the circumstances surrounding his presentation. Over the past 16 years—starting long before 9/11—Mortenson has built and supported schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan through his Central Asia Institute (CAI). He argues that the best way to promote global peace is not fear and fighting terrorism, but hope and providing education. In about 80 new schools, CAI especially funds girls’ education on the theory that to educate a man is to educate an individual, while educating a woman means educating a community. CAI also finances community projects like health clinics, teacher education, and women’s centers. Mortenson tells his story in Three Cups of Tea, which has been at the top of the New York Times bestseller list for an amazing 107 weeks. In hardback, the book was subtitled (against the author’s wishes) “One Man’s Mission to Fight Terrorism;” in paperback, that was changed to the more appropriate “One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace.” Recently, Mortenson has produced young adult and children’s versions of his story. All this is a philanthropic success story that every student should admire and try to emulate. Three Cups of Tea is also the center of this year’s Long Beach Reads One Book, so Friday’s event was kind of a keynote speech. Indeed, Mortenson brought his slide show and told his story again, which is fascinating even to those already familiar with it. Unfortunately, his story was somewhat drowned out by the other portions of the evening. For instance, the performance of Alan Hovhaness’ Mysterious Mountain symphony by the Poly High School orchestra added nothing except the vague connection drawn by conductor Andy Osman that both Mortenson and Hovhaness refer to mountains, but significantly cut into the main attraction’s time. In Three Cups of Tea, Mortenson describes how he despises fund-raising, but that is of course exactly what he was doing in Long Beach. He has apparently put on this performance so often that he had an entire letter memorized from an officer in Afghanistan who took his book to heart. Mortenson himself is a diamond in the rough—he wears an ill-fitting ensemble and an awkward smile, frequently misspeaks or goes off on tangents, and was clearly
uncomfortable in front of the capacity crowd in the Carpenter Center. His coordination with the slide show operator worked rather haphazardly, leading to occasional comic interludes. Still, that only made his brilliant message all the more endearing and compelling. In contrast, Rich Archbold, executive editor of the Long Beach Press-Telegram and the evening’s chirpy MC, was a smooth operator. Of course Archbold had to thank some of the individuals and organizations responsible for the event, but there was no need to mar the evening by almost spending more time on the thankyous (including State-of-the-Union-like applause after every name) than on the evening’s honored guest. Mortenson originally funded his projects by selling all of his possessions, and subsequently his first main financial supporters were elementary school children—a motivational episode within an inspiring story if there ever was one. These children started an initiative called Pennies for Peace (P4P), which was presented on Friday through a video narrated by Mortenson’s 12-year-old daughter Amira. This year, P4P is in about 3,000 schools across the US, and the initiative has also developed materials to teach school children about Pakistan and Afghanistan—while meeting educational standards. Mortenson shared how P4P has inspired children to develop other projects of their own, like building soccer fields in Johannesburg or raising awareness about and providing support for street kids in the US. After Mortenson’s description of his own dedication and the story of P4P, MC Archbold asked a few Long Beach donors to come up to the stage to have their picture taken. This was a waste of time in itself, but the approximately $3,700 they contributed were a mockery considering the sacrifices Mortenson and the children had made—the clothes of the women (and men) in one row of the auditorium cost more than $3,700. There was certainly more donating going on than that one check, but the emphasis on the photo-op suggested that public relations and backslapping outweighed actually promoting Mortenson’s projects. The evening was supposed to end with a question-and-answer session with Mortenson. However, by that time the stampede to get in line for autographs had already started, undermining his message with celebrity cult. In any case, there was time for exactly two questions (well, the
first speaker asked two in one). At least for this moment, Mortenson got to speak about the time since Three Cups of Tea. He mentioned that the Taliban are now targeting girls’ schools in Afghanistan, but was happy to report that none of CAI’s schools had been destroyed so far. As a matter of fact, one threatened school is now protected by militia with a shootto-kill order—not a recipe Mortenson recommended for education everywhere, but one that certainly saved this school. Mortenson also briefly criticized both the previous and the new administrations in Washington for keeping reconstruction in Afghanistan centralized and for advocating deployment of more troops even as all military commanders in the area say no military solution is possible. Some of Mortenson’s ideas are commonplace folk wisdom: build relationships with the people you’re working with, put local people in charge of reconstruction so that they buy into the projects, listen to your elders, look on the bright side, and if you don’t know something, look it up in the library. But coming from an individual who has earned such moral authority by devoting his life to turning them
into practice, they are utterly convincing. Towards the end of his presentation, Mortenson mentioned that in the era of greed, the 1990s, only 18% of college students said they wanted to change the world; today, that figure is at about 40%. Mortenson’s story proves that one person can make a difference, and if only a few of those students succeed in projects like CAI and Three Cups of Tea, they will definitely make the world a better place.
UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
WATCHMEN
ENTERTAINMENT
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UNDER THE HOODUT
IE ABO VIEWING THAT MOV T MAKE SUPERHEROES THA ING CLOCKS OR SOMETH
he superheroes of Watchmen aren’t nearly as iconic as Superman or as readily recognizable as Captain America, but to the book’s fans they’re just as important to the medium. Unfortunately for everybody, director Zach Snyder’s take on Watchmen doesn’t engrain any of the book’s psychologically complex, dysfunctional characters into the average filmgoer’s memory—even if there is (some) solid acting. Watchmen takes place in an alternate 1985 America where superheroes have existed since the ’40s and have had their hands in major historical events and Nixon is still president (serving his fifth term). By the time the movie begins superheroes have been outlawed by Congress. This is literally all anybody needs to know going into Watchmen, except the film expects viewers to play catch-up at breakneck speed and only mentions that superheroes were outlawed with a throwaway line that fans may notice, but will leave the average Joe in a theater miles behind. The stars of the movie, with some glaring exceptions, bring their all. Jackie Earle Haley was born to play Rorschach, a well-meaning vigilante with psychopathic tendencies. Haley steals every scene—
but hinders them here. Snyder is trying to make a literal translation of a comic book, but watching a movie and reading a comic are two different experiences. If I open my copy of Watchmen I can read a panel where a character is walking and, lo and behold, if I keep looking at that panel that character stays there. Forever. Because it’s a print-based medium. When I watch a movie, the characters and action should move, because it’s a movie. Things move in movies. Snyder really wants to make a comic book movie, instead of a movie, and it doesn’t work. The man clearly loves the source material, but he does so to a fault. Comics and film are both visual mediums, but structurally you can do some things in one that you can’t do in the other. His adherence to the source material drains the life out of the narrative—making potentially great moments take backseat to glory shots. I love the Lord of the Rings films— they’re great adaptations because Peter Jackson knew how to trim the fat. Sure, J.R.R. Tolkien was a talented storyteller, but he was a shit writer. The dude would spend 30 pages describing the preparation for a battle and then spend maybe a page and a half talking about the actual conflict. Zack Snyder’s film Watchmen suffers from
the exact opposite problem. Adapting any work is arduous at best and terrifying at worst. I imagine Watchmen would fall under the latter. Even adapting a shitty work is hard—the director has to know what to change and what to take out. Watchmen is so dense that by the time it comes to writing a filmable screenplay, you’ve lost much of what makes any film work. The result is a movie with some great character work by talented actors overwhelmed by gaudy direction, but it’s a valiant attempt nontheless. Snyder took a book largely considered unfilmable and if nothing else hit the key plot points with some interesting character-driven asides. Snyder’s film isn’t a SparkNotes version of Watchmen, nor should it be, but it needed a different director—someone with talent that didn’t want to make love to the source material. Someone who knew that in order to make a Watchmen movie, sacrifices had to be made, even at the expense of good-will from the elitist nerds of the world.
Illustration JAMES KISLINGBURY
UNION WEEKLY
whenever the film drags you hope for a scene with Rorschach to pop up. Billy Crudup plays Dr. Manhattan—a godlike being that watches his own future and past like its TiVo and rearranges matter as an afterthought. Crudup brings an honest subtlety that you wouldn’t expect from the film’s least human superhuman. My favorite sequence involves Crudup narrating his character’s past. Not only does it showcase the film’s best acting chops, it’s also well-edited. The rest of the film? Not so much. The most annoying elements of the film are the music (I’m giving no examples, you’ll hear just how bad it is if you choose to see the movie) and Malin Akerman, who plays the Silk Spectre. Akerman’s performance ranges from flat to melodramatic and there isn’t a single scene she’s bearable in. Watchmen does look great. The set design is gorgeous, and it’s easy to see that Watchmen artist Dave Gibbons’ work was obsessively used for reference. The movie feels like an ’80s comic book, but even when Synder gets something right he fucks it up. He ruins whatever interesting visuals he has by obsessing over slow motion—a technique meant to enhance key dramatic moments,
by JOE BRYANT
9 MARCH 2009
ENTERTAINMENT YOU CAN’T OUTSOURCE LAUGHTER THE LAUGH FACTORY COMES TO LONG BEACH ALLAN STEINER
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or over 30 years, the Laugh Factory on Sunset Boulevard has been a staple of the comedic world. Now one is open in our own backyard and all we can say is, “it’s about goddamn time.” For what felt like an eternity, the “Coming Soon” sign on the outside of the Laugh Factory taunted Long Beach comedy lovers, but no more. The factory is finally up and running. We would be hypocrites to blame the Laugh Factory too much for their delay however—the club has been open for a little over 6 months now— but I’m sure we can all agree it’s better late than never. When entering the Laugh Factory you are confronted with artifacts and pictures that litter the front room. It’s a comedy museum of sorts. Every wall is lined with autographs and notes from some of the greatest comedians of all time—Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Dave Chappelle Jerry Sein-
feld, and Rodney Dangerfield—all of whom have performed at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. What makes the Laugh Factory such a staple of the comedy club world is its All Star Comedy nights. They are something of a grab bag of stand-up since they often don’t post the lineup and when they do most of the performers aren’t ones you’d recognize. But just because you haven’t seen these guys on TV, doesn’t mean that they are any less than great. Many of the performers come straight from the writers’ rooms at Comedy Central or NBC. Neal Brennan, who cowrote most of the sketches from Chappelle’s Show with Dave Chappelle, is a regular performers. Occasionally headlining comedians such as Jeff Dunham will show up to try out material. Tickets are generally $25 plus a twodrink minimum, but the Laugh Factory in Long Beach has just started putting on col-
Look at all them lights! The Laugh Factory is home to not only this beautiful sign, but other things! Inside of it. Don’t worry, it’s funnier than this caption. lege night every Thursday, meaning that on Thursdays you can get your tickets for $15 when you present your student ID. The twodrink minimum is still in place, but even with drinks the whole night ends up costing around 25 bucks, which albeit is still a little pricy, but if you’ve never seen live comedy it’s well worth it.
Dicks—a buddy cop comedy tentatively starring Bruce Die Hard Willis and Tracy 30 Rock Morgan. Assuming Smith is up to the task, it’s possible this could be one of the better comedies of 2010. It’s basically 48 Hours, but not a remake. A dollop of dookie news for fans of Mad Max. A fourth installment in the saga of some warrior on a road is planned as an anime (with a video game tie-in). Stab your eyes before viewing. For those of you who’ve never seen the pictures, please do. They’re guaranteed fun stirred together with pre-crazy Mel Gibson, who everybody loves. Come on. You know you do. Admit it.
If $25 sounds like too much for you, you’re in luck. The Laugh Factory is going to bring their show to the dorms right here on campus. A date has not been decided as of the time of writing this, but they are planning to do a full show in the dining halls. Be on the look out in the next couple weeks for more information.
upcoming Funny People—meaning he hopes to find the perfect blend of comedy and drama. Funny People might be the first good movie starring Adam Sandler since Big Daddy (fuck you, I like that movie). It’s also got Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill and Eric Bana. What do you have to lose? Trailer. Do it. And for the love of all that is holy, if you love movies, watch the new trailer for Terminator: Salvation. It may end up being a disappointing movie, but hot damn if that doesn’t look exactly like what T3 should have been. This Noozeman waits with bated breath. I mean, look at how fucking cool this image is.
The past couple weeks have given us some trailers for potentially great movies. Check ‘em out at either apple.com/trailers or traileraddict.com. Here ya go:
JOE BRYANT For the gents and ladies that know the Secret of the Nooze drill, skip ahead. They’re gone now, it’s okay baby. Let me tell you about my thing. You like movies, right baby? Want the scoop on the news, baby? The movie news? Read on, baby. Read on. Kevin Smith, the man behind the cult classic Clerks and the much more recent Zach and Miri Make a Porno, has signed on to direct the first ever feature film he has not written himself. Considering Smith isn’t much of a director (don’t get me wrong, I like the guy’s writing a lot) it’s a pretty big surprise. The film is A Couple of
Scope the preview for Michael Mann’s Public Enemies, a flick about famous bankrobber John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) and the lawman trying to bring him down (Christian Bale). The other is for The Hangover, which is worth it for the last 10 seconds alone. Trust me. For the arthouse inclined the trailer debut for the next Jim Jarmusch (Broken Flowers, Dead Man) film looks very important (not in a snobby way, I swear). If you like movies of any sort, I bet anything you’ll find something of Jarmusch’s you’ll enjoy (keep in mind his pacing is always on the slow side and you’ll be a-okay). Check out one of the two I mentioned earlier and then get pumped up for The Limits of Control. Judd Apatow (40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) is going to the Billy Wilder school of directing with the
Completely solid.
“He Was never a person, he was a journalist!” -Jeff bebe, almost famous UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
CULTURE kathy miranda
F
irst of all, I love meat. The steaming aroma of hot bacon in the morning makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. My heart skips a beat at the sizzle of steak in the evening. And I respect all the vegetarians and vegans and lactos, and organic folks out there—what determination you all have, I truly am impressed. All you have to say is carne asada burrito and my knees wobble, my mouth waters. But I took a daring chance and risked wasting my appetite on a vegan restaurant called Native Foods in Costa Mesa. The risk was everything but a waste and I assure you, as a meat lover, I’ve been having salivating vegan dreams ever since. Now, I’ll be very realistic here: I’m probably still going to eat meat—Native Foods is great, but there are a few factors about the restaurant and veganism in general that prevent me from making life-altering decisions. Factor number one: goddamn it’s expensive! My first lunch there consisted of a sandwich, a cup of soup and one bottled root beer—a combined total of 18 bucks! I could have had five Double Doubles all day with that money, not to mention 15 one dollar tacos at Hole Mole!
Factor number two: the atmosphere at Native Foods is, for a lack of a better word, green. Extremely green. I mean, I walk in there and I’m teased by these cute chalkboard drawings of elephants and pigs, positive veganisms like “Einstein was a vegetarian, think about it!” It was either that or Save the Earth slogans and facts about how long it takes for a plastic bottle to decompose—it’s all just so overwhelming! And the worst part is I just felt so guilty, as if I was taking a part in some evil plan to doom the earth and all of human existence. If only Native Foods wasn’t so blatantly vegan, I wouldn’t feel like some meat-eating monster when I walk in. But, admittedly, that’s all I got. The one signature Native Foods catchphrase I did appreciate was “Eat Different,” because not only does this restaurant cater specifically to the vegans of the world, but it also positively encourages people to just try it. And when I did, I was thoroughly fulfilled. Never
have I tasted a vegan meal so rich and flavorful, each spice and texture rolling on my tongue as if they had their own solo dance number. Every ingredient is measured at the perfect amount, without any one flavor overpowering the other. I pretty much swallowed the Portobello Sausage Burger in one bite, and at the end of it all I was actually full. It’s clear that Native Foods doesn’t just give you organic vegetables on a plate. They craft each dish with the heart, soul, and palate in mind—and that’s more than enough to keep me coming back for more.
project ethos
presents Culture Shock on March 27th joe hauser Fashion show. Concert. Art gallery. Dance club. All that can be expected on March 27th at the Vanguard in LA, thanks to Project Ethos—a Los Angeles-based organization composed of fewer than thirty individuals, under the age of thirty, who all share in one inspiring dream—bringing indie to the industry. For the past four years it has held eight red carpet events some themed along the lines of French circuses and pop art, and even held a clothing drive in the summer of 2008 for underprivileged children in Los Angeles. Their next show, Culture Shock, is a step in a new radical direction. With a Zen garden, walls lined with flat screen TV’s playing artists’ videos, and a stage/runway, Project Ethos is stepping it up. Project is themed with three phases of culture shockthe honeymoon phase, the negotiation phase and adjustment phase. The honeymoon phase features the live concert and the negotiation phase is the fashion show after. The adjustment phase goes throughout the night with visual art on display and for purchase. The night includes three live bands, seven fashion lines with fifty models walking, ten artists and two DJs. The show is sponsored by Covenant House, which participated in the clothing drive, Sean Healey Presents, a band’s booking service (which has worked with UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
bands like the Strokes, Shiny Toy Guns, Sarah Bareilles and Lupe Fiasco) and mystudio.net which allows individuals to record and post videos online alongside a social networking site—a launching site for rising artists and models. Three independent groups making the individual able to stand up among the masses and produce something that is their own. The show comes at a time when everything industry seems to be turned upside down. The economy is spiraling downward, and not only the automakers and banks are suffering, but fashion is too. The amount of couture lines that are coming out are not what they used to. Secondhand shopping is becoming the new thing thanks to magazines like Bazaar and Vibe. The music industry is suffering also, thanks to illegal downloading and bands not getting the recognition they deserve. Project Ethos hopes to counteract these downfalls by introducing new designers into the mix and portraying them in fresh light to hopefully revamp the industry. Their hopes are high and their will is strong, so now they are going to be putting on quarterly events, with each one is guaranteed to be bigger and better than the last. For more information, please visit www. projectethos.com.
COMICS
EASY
Drunken Penguin Presents... by James Kislingbury
Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake
penguin.incarnate@gmail.com
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
HARD Chestnut by Shawn Branden
Juxtaposed Yadda Yadda. Send feedback to: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or leave comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
Goonis 3000 by alex P.M.
ANSWERS
EASY
HARD
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
UNION WEEKLY
9 MARCH 2009
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Scat hombre. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“You know, hard nipples are an aphrodisiac.”
Volume 64 Issue 07
Monday, March 9th, 2009
Area Man Accidentally Enjoys Pantyhose
Darrel Pascoe (above) posing for the cover of his new bi-daily magazine Up Tight Monthly.
BY BOSSY BOOTS ROSSMOOR, CA — Darrel Pascoe was “just as shocked and surprised as the next guy” to discover he enjoyed the support and confidence that a silky pair of sheer nylons can provide. Pascoe discovered the under-item when he mistakenly took marriage counselor Dr. Lin Scheiwigg’s advice literally. “I had suggested that the Pascoes both do their best to experience what it’s like to be in the other’s shoes for a day. I said nothing about stockings.” Four months ago Dottie Pascoe found her husband collapsed on the floor, tangled in a pair of medium-brown Hue-
brand nylons. While most wives would have found this scenario uncomfortable, or possibly disturbing, Mrs. Pascoe made an effort to see it as a positive thing. “It was a really beautiful moment for both of us, actually. We had been having a hard time connecting, what with [Darrel’s] sex addiction, but seeing Darrel there on the ground, hunched over, mixed up, naked and whatnot, all because he wanted to keep our marriage alive—I was ready to heal.” Since December, as the Pascoe’s repaired their marriage, and Darrel learned how to put on his nylons without getting a run in them, this couple’s therapy misfire became some-
thing much more. “I thought to myself, ‘More guys should try these things!’ I mean, you get great bonch support, plus all the circulation goin’ commando gives you.” With that, Pascoe began a tri-county, education-based campaign called Up Tight. The Up Tight movement, which is now gaining particular momentum in the Rossmoor area, pushes nylons as a “sane, non-sexual, comfortable, under-garment option for all men. Not just freaks.” Objections have been strong. Some have deemed Pascoe’s cause the “mantymovement” making recent Rossmoor community meetings “pretty darn awkward” for some citizens. Darrel nonetheless continues his movement, gallivanting through the streets of Rossmoor with the ease and grace that he claims can only be provided by “such a silky smooth undergarment.” At which point Darrel’s speech then trailed off as he began to move his hands up and down his thighs. But when asked what she thinks of her husband’s synthetic polymer-crusade, Dottie simply smiles and says, “I think it’s just great. I haven’t seen him this committed to a cause since Hands Across America!”
LBUNION.COM
Spat of Viking Themed Gay Bars Invades Small Town BY GAELIC FORESKYNE ST. WARD’S HOPE, MN — You might not have ever heard of St. Ward’s Hope, but if you’re a homosexual northlander, the blink-and-you’dmiss-it town of 1,200 people is your Valhalla—your Ball-halla, if you will. Over the past six months four-dozen gay bars with Viking themes have taken the city by surprise just like the original raiders took their foes’ coasts by surprise. Except it’s much stickier this time around. “I’ve got nothing against gay people,” said feed store owner Maynard Pickford. Maynard has lived in the quiet, go-nowhere hamlet for thirtysix years and has never seen anything like this rash of helmet wearing homosexual public houses, not even in his wildest VHS tapes that he bought while on a business trip to Fargo that he hides from his wife. “I’m like anyone else, I’ve domed my share of guys, but, gee whiz, there’s only so many raging homosexuals robed in bear furs and fueled by bog mushrooms a man can take! I mean, I don’t get high and engage in holmgångs on their lawns, do I?” In the nearly stillborn township’s one-story city hall, we spoke to twelve-term City Planner Burton Dirk Burton. “The first one to open was Malestromm and it’s a real boon to our downtown economy. Then there’s Bearzerker, which is right across the street from Fenrear, which
Gay man (above).
is actually a drag bar, but our biggest draw is Fagnarök which just opened up an annex called ‘Ragnarcöck.’ Apparently has a really amazing selection of Lebanese dishes and a full service hookah bar. Oh, and then there’s George’s Gay Viking Bar. Real popular, that one.” Next to a bathroom that bears the sign “One at a Time, Please,” gay Viking Sven Dvegar had this to say, “I’ll stop raving when I stop raiding. So, you said you don’t have a girlfriend?” Sven is just one of many men in the town that live by the old Midwestern saying, “We’re here, we’re queer, by the ravens of Odin, on the morrow I shall drink the life-force of mine enemy.” While the one-foot-in-the-grave mound of dirt might not be entirely grateful for the gay Viking invasion, one thing is clear: This margarita is delicious. I have had quite a few gay margaritas in my day, but this one takes the cake. Seriously. Get on over to Jotnärds, I’m going to be here all day with Reggie.
INSIDE
DVD of The Mummy 3 Remains Unopened
Area man Sal Marvin was gifted The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor months ago by “[his] bitch of an aunt” and has not broken the plastic encasing his DVD. “It’s just sitting on my shelf. It’s not even upright.” Marvin plans neither to return or watch the film any time soon. PAGE M3
Teacher’s Lecture Hinders Student’s Homework Time Dr. Tammy Willibagger’s composition class is getting in the way of Raffi Tiffhomp completing homework for his other classes on time. “I’ve got other work I forgot to finish,” says Tiffhomp. “This is the only time I’ve got to do it.” PAGE Q7
Campus Organization to Vote on Next Irrelevant Topic PAGE A1
Area Fans’ Reactions to CGI Superhero Cock Vary PAGE 12AM