64.13

ISSUE 64.13 “Get up, come on get down with the sickness! You fucka get up, come on get down with the sickness!”

-David Draiman, lyricist

MAIL TO THE CHIEF LETTERS TO THE EDITOR MIKE “BEEF” PALLOTTA

A

hh! Swine flu is running rampant! Wait, no it isn’t. That student on campus that everyone thought had the swine flu turned out to just have a bad cough. Listen, I’ve read The Stand. Things could be worse.

Onto the mail: Dear Beef, We all know how Mondays suck, and last week was no exception. I’m walking down the Friendship Walk and I see signs warning of “Genocide Photos Ahead.” My first thought is that the MSA or Beach Hillel is at it again.

Much to my dismay, it is an organization with even less right to that word: Pro-Life propagandists. I refer to the display as propaganda not because I disagree, but because it is the word that describes it so perfectly. Most of their graphic images of aborted fetuses were falsely labeled as first trimester. Of the images I saw, only one was from the first trimester, and when questioned about the discrepancy, a protester with the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform admitted that they were falsely labeled.

One of the anti-abortion protesters voiced their views on incest stating that abortion should be illegal even if a 12-year-old girl is raped by her father.

He said that her father should not take her to an abortion clinic to cover up for his mistake. What this protester failed

to see is how having that child would affect a girl that age mentally and physically. He did not for a moment think how any woman makes the heart wrenching choice of whether or not to have an abortion. The choice for abortion is a part of women’s reproductive health and needs to remain a protected right. The anti-abortion protesters claimed that they were at CSULB to encourage dialogue amongst students.

However, displaying emotionally charged photos and making outlandish and irrational claims such as “Planned Parenthood = Taliban” and comparing them to Nazis and the KKK does not promote civil discourse. It is a cop out to try and trick people using fear in lieu of a legitimate, rational argument. I hardly think that an organization whose services include cervical, breast, and testicular cancer screenings, pregnancy testing and counseling, STD/STI testing and treatment and contraceptive services is comparable to a fundamentalist religious terrorist group. I also see irony in that the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform is itself obviously a fundamentalist religious group. I am very disappointed that the Catholic Newman chose the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform to act as a representative for the pro-life community whose supposed goal was to promote a discussion of ideas. It is painfully clear that they were not here to create dis-

BEHIND THE SCENES

cussion, but to enflame emotions and spread lies.

Sincerely, C Fab Dear C Fab, I agree.

Dear Mr. Beef, Thank you so much for including Genghis Tron in your Coachella coverage! They are such an awesome cuttingedge band, but because they incorporate elements from the more “extreme” side of the musical spectrum I thought no one would pay them much attention. I remember seeing them open for Pig Destroyer a few years ago in my hometown of Philadelphia and they absolutely blew me away.

-Gene Meyer P.S. Would it be too much to ask for a review of the new Agoraphobic Nosebleed album? It’s pretty bomb.

Dear Gene, Thanks for reading! Since you asked so nicely, check out Matt Dupree’s review of Agorapocalypse on page 7.

Ask Away!

Need advice from a man named Beef?

Any questions/comments? Well send all questions to editorinbeef@gmail.com!

ALTERNATE SHOTS FROM THE “BEHIND THE SEAMS” FEATURE ON PG. 8-9 The Fashion Design lab is stirring with creative thunder. I watched as students fiddled with needles and thread, working fastidiously to produce their final creations. Sewing is another kind of art, and I am impressed with the patience these students have to make even the most simple of garments.

Check out the feature on page 8-9 for an original sketch

by Rene Villa (left).

-Kathy Miranda, Managing Editor UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

MIKE PALLOTTA Editor-in-Chief KATHY MIRANDA Managing Editor JOE BRYANT Managing Editor

editorinbeef@gmail.com kathym.union@gmail.com joeb.union@gmail.com

MATT DUPREE

matt.dupree@gmail.com Senior Editor RACHEL RUFRANO rachel.union@gmail.com Opinions Editor JAMES KISLINGBURY jamesk.union@gmail.com News Director CAITLIN CUTT caitlincutt.union@gmail.com Literature Editor & PR JOE BRYANT joeb.union@gmail.com Entertainment Editor SEAN BOULGER seanb.union@gmail.com Music Editor & PR MICHAEL VEREMANS scarf.union@gmail.com Creative Arts Editor VICTOR CAMBA victorpc.union@gmail.com Comics Editor KATHY MIRANDA kathym.union@gmail.com Culture Editor SOPHISTICATED BEAR bear.grun@gmail.com Grunion Editor CLAY COOPER, STEVEN CAREY Graphic Designers EILEEN KELLEHER, CLAY COOPER Cover Art JOE BRYANT On-Campus Distribution CLAY COOPER clay.union@gmail.com Internet Caregiver ALLAN STEINER allan.union@gmail.com Advertising Executive VINCENT GIRIMONTE, ERIN HICKEY, ALAN PASSMAN, JASON OPPLIGER, CHRISTINE HODINH, JESSE BLAKE, DOMINIC MCDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, RUSSELL CONROY, ANDREW LEE, KEN CHO, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ANDY KNEIS, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, SIMONE HARRISON, JOE HAUSER, TESSA NEVAREZ, JOHN YANG, KEVIN O’BRIEN, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, CHRIS FABELA, JOE HAMMOND, NADIA KING, MONA KOZLOWSKI, DANIEL OSTERWEIL, ALEJANDRA CAMPOY, ANDY PEKEMA, KYLE VEREMANS, OMID MOUSAEI Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly.

Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

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Questions? Comments?

MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com

NEWS

WORLD’S A MESS YOUR GUIDE TO WHAT THE HELL’S GOING WRONG NOW JOE BRYANT Tamil refugees run from Sri Lankan airstrikes. This picture is purportedly taken in a civilian safe zone.

W

e all saw the what-to-do going down on the Friendship Walk last week (abortion crazies, other petty crap), but sometimes we need to step outside of our bubbles and realize that everything about everywhere is messed up.

IRAN: BATTING A THOUSAND WITH CRAZY BULLSHIT Without informing her lawyer, the Iranian judiciary hanged Delara Darabi last Friday, a young woman convicted of a murder when she was 17 years old. Before her execution, Amnesty International was already all up in arms about Darabi’s trial being unfair, and her lawyer was set to provide the Iranian courts with evidence that he claims would prove Darabi’s innocence. Darabi initially had pled guilty, but later corrected herself, saying she had been trying to protect the real killer (her boyfriend).

Darabi did manage to call her parents beforehand, pleading for help. To quote the BBC: “‘Mother they are going to execute me, please save me,” she said, before a prison official took the phone away and said: ‘We are going to execute your daughter and there’s nothing you can do about it.’” Always classy, that Iran.

THE UK PULLS OUT, LEAVES MESS The United Kingdom has officially ended its military operations in Iraq. That’s all well and good, but Basra (the southern region of Iraq that UK troops occupied) is more of a mess than ever before. But, you know, the US is now overseeing the region, so everything will be fixed soon, right? Right?

WHY I’M OKAY WITH CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR PEDOPHILES I’m normally all for badass prison escape sequences, but not when it involves pederasts.

Juliano Verbard, French leader of a cult

called The Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, has broken out of prison (along with two other inmates). Posing as tourists, two men held a helicopter crew hostage and forced them to land inside the prison’s gates, allowing the convicted child rapist to escape. The helicopter then landed a few hundred yards away and the prisoners and their accomplices drove away in a van. The prison is on an island. How the hell do you escape from a fucking island in a van? Steve McQueen couldn’t escape from Nazi prison on a motorcycle, but some child-molesting jackass pulls it off in a van. Shameful shit.

solely on Tamil Tiger gun emplacements. But whoops, the UN also has pictures that show major damage in and around Vadduvakallu, a village just south of the safe zone.

Doctors treating civilians in the safe zone claim that the army has recently bombarded two makeshift hospitals, killing 91 people and injuring roughly 27 others. The army, of course, denies having fired any heavy weaponry into the region, alledging that the

deaths were the direct results of Tamil Tiger suicide bombers. The doctors say otherwise, and the Tigers have yet to comment on either the UN photos or the hospital attacks.

Human rights groups hope that the pictures will spur the international community into action, and force the Sri Lankan government to do something about civilians trapped by the civil war. Chances of that actually happening?

I’d say to hedge your bets.

YES, M.I.A IS FROM THERE Sri Lanka has been home to one of the longest-running civil wars in modern history.

The country (more or less) is dominated by two cultures. One, the Sinhalese, hold the political majority. The other, the Tamils, feel that they have been the Sinhalese’s punching bag for far too long. In 1976, a rebel group known as the Tamil Tigers began fighting the Sri Lanka government for an independent Tamil state.

In addition to the well-over 70,000 people killed since the war’s beginning, there have been at least 6,000 civilians killed since 2009 began (with major aid agencies saying that number is extremely optimistic) and tens of thousands more civilians have been displaced.

A lot of people have labeled the Tigers as terrorists (and with a checkered past of suicide bombings, political assassinations and combat-ready children, it’s easy to see why), but the Sri Lankan government may have just made a big, political booboo. For years the Tigers have complained that a government-designated safe zone for civilians—which currently houses an estimated 120,000 displaced Tamils—has been anything but safe. Now the UN has obtained satellite images that show extensive, recent artillery damage to the area.

Sri Lanka denies shelling the safe zone, dismissing any attacks in the area as focused UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

OPINIONS Long beachisms or,

What to do on a tuesday night in the lbc KYLE & MICHAEL VEREMANS

T

he sound of two beers cracking cleared the crisp morning air— “Show Long Beach how it’s done,” two urban hunter-gatherers called to me one morning as I walked down my alley toward the bus stop. My head was full of all the shit I had to do at school, the homework to catch up on and professors to meet with and I got caught off guard by the salutation. Jarred from my stresses into the cloudy reality, I began to think, what is Long Beach?

It’s a large beach city that borders LA and Orange County, with the Pyramid, the Queen Mary, and the biggest port in the world. But the city reveals something else upon closer inspection. It is a social hub, where the cultures from around the country and the world cohabitate without pretension, with street signs in so many languages you’d think you were in the EU. The vibrating hip-hop, Mariachi bandas, twangy Indie, and Cambodian karaoke all blare in the night, fighting for the cops’ attention.

I think you know what I’m talking about, Snoop has been trying to get at it for years: Long Beach is the place to be. It’s the city where people always go to the beach but NEVER go in the water, and watch purple and orange night skies, contemplating the

Deco skyline as the sea air hits their faces. I’m talking about every nook of beautiful craftsman architecture and 800 E. Ocean Blvd.

It’s the place to smoke a purple blunt out on the sidewalk before busting a 7th St. strut across traffic to check out an underground band or a loft party. Hit up Holé Molé or Dean’s Pizza or get some fruta con chile for Tuesday night’s kickback. Drink a liquor store High Life on the block that has the gay bar, lesbian bar, and straight bar and then get in a bike accident riding home drunk.

Now that’s how we do it around these parts, but I have to reflect on every moment in the past four years that the city has taken me over with its energy. We are not a veiled civilization, we hold festivals and parades on the reg; we love and part on the reg. I want to stake my heart here and tell that fair-wishing homeless couple that I’ll show Long Beach how it’s done. Yeah, I’ll turn up the music, tilt my hat, and put it in the air because the bus is late again and school’ll always be there.

where in the samhain did this semester go?

ALAN PASSMAN

Illustration CHRIS FABELA

Where in the Samhain did this semester go? Seems like it was just yesterday that I was eagerly learning… learning how to dread my classes. The petite tedium, as well as the modicum of loathing that you experience in those first couple weeks are, of course, soon replaced by the blissful formalities of the day-in-day-out routine that may, in fact, out us all as the future sellouts that we are fighting not to be supposedly. I don’t know about you, Joe “The Plumber” Sixpack, but I’m pretty keen to be on some kind of break. Although I will still be preoccupied with all sorts of busy, but that is the busyness business of one’s own design and make. It is all that jazz and jive about self-fulfilling prophecies or just plain selfserving though too.

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

Academic types, either professors or students, must deal with all kinds of stressrelated illnesses. I’m too lazy to pull up a browser and do any sort of research right now, but I can make that “fact” into my primary assumption. It seems like everyone is always sick on a pretty regular basis. The coughs, the sneezes, the hacking, the wheezing or what have you, are taken for granted as being just par for the course of excellence as scholars. It either is those kinds of ailments, the stomach variety or hangovers.

You ever notice that Jägermeister and the dark green/black Nyquil taste the same?

I’m like one of the only people in my age bracket that I know that digs heavily on black licorice. Don’t get me wrong, because I dig on all the varieties of ropes or vines.

I just love the taste and smell of the stuff, the dark stuff. Its aroma makes me think about a childhood of hiking through sage, wild mint and even licorice. So when I pop open a box of Good ’N Plenty, I’m dosing heavy on those pink and white capsules with their pitch centers. We do this for the same reason we take shots of those murky, aforementioned spirits.

Having nostalgic visions of long ago nature walks that I considered then as drudgery makes me wonder if I will fondly look back on these days as well. We are talking nine-hour days that can be supremely tortuous in their redundancies. You eat at the same places, because they are cheap and what you can stand or just plain around.

The same snacks and corn syrup-sired bev-

erages are battering-rammed down your gullet in an attempt to self-medicate the dull ache of boredom out of your bones, just hoping to seek out any kind of refuge from such trifles. This is your body as a restless piece of paper trapped in a wind tunnel.

Much of life is just that, remorselessly plodding along. Apparently it just cruises by when you have children of your own and unless there is an accident involving ripping latex, then I have to say that it will be some years before I know if that is true or not. All I seem to see around me is an endless parade of similar events that pride themselves on being the very pinnacle of all that is lackluster. So here is a salute to those figurative pep pills in our lives that push us out of such funks of rank, average normalcy.

OPINIONS

QUOTE quiTIQUES

from the man who brought you other stuff ANDY KNEIS

MATT DUPREE At what point does “that’s just how I was raised” lose its merit as an excuse? I know that tolerance means being at least somewhat genial to the ignorant, but this is something that’s been going on way too fucking long and nobody’s really taken it to task specifically. For the blessed few who haven’t been following this story, I’m talking about Miss California using “that’s just how I was raised” as an excuse for her homophobia, which she very awkwardly guised as an intense appreciation for heterosexuality (GOOOO BREEDERS!). It would be really easy to assault Miss California’s dignity directly (by pointing out her implants, her post-flub church appearance tour, or merely her involvement in the vapid, soul-sucking business of pageantry), so I’ll skip that. Instead, I want the head of whatever moron started this idea that being raised hateful is somehow its own excuse.

My grandfather was raised in the deep south, and as such he picked up a great deal of southern ideals that stuck with him. Still, I never once heard him say an uncouth thing about a person or persons based on their skin color, cultural background, or sexual identity (and that is very likely the way he was raised).

Because unlike Miss California, my granddad had class. He may have had some prejudices, but he didn’t pass them on. So when Miss California says that she’s just programmed to discriminate, I’m forced to ask two questions: Why weren’t you strong enough to be your own woman? And how fucking bigoted are your parents?

Sadly, there are millions of people like Miss California. People who will never try Lebanese food because it’s too different. People who will never make friends with anyone outside their own race because they were taught to avoid them. These are people who can be made to believe anything, without question.

They’ll believe that the God of creation wants us to drop bombs on each other, that sex is unnatural, and that women are of less worth than men. But as much as I want to loathe these people, I can’t. Because the closer I look, the more I see these people as what they’ve been throughout history: speed bumps. These are the people left floundering in the wake of new discoveries. They are the ostriches in the sand who still actually believe that ostriches put their heads in sand (look it up: they don’t).

So I guess the real solution for the rest of us (the thinkers) is to keep on keepin’ on, unswayed by the dogmas of the narrow-minded, assured in the notion that an open mind will always triumph over a closed one. And when the one-track windbags finally stop to take a look around, they’ll see us all sprinting ahead to a future that has no use for old and broken ideas.

E

veryone loves a good thought provoking quote from a cool historical figure. Don’t even pretend like you don’t. Don’t lie okay? Anyway, here are some pretty awesome quotes and what I think about them, because that is what I am doing.

“I could carve a better man out of a banana.” –Teddy Roosevelt. It’s pretty darn obvious why I started with this one first because it’s the best quote of all of the times. Teddy Roosevelt took time off from wearing glasses, killing foreigners (fact check here please), and being an all around rockin’ guy to carve men out of bananas and holy shit was he good at it for some reason. He took every opportunity he could to brag about his skills especially when he saw some buster trying to be better than his banana men. I love quotes. I love to write about quotes.

“Man, your hair look like Ramen.”

-Guy on the bus. This guy gets number two for one of public transportation’s best burns. You can use this quote for pretty much any situation you would like and you will leave a bunch of self-conscious people in your wake.

People’s hair does look like Ramen noodles sometimes, so that’s why it

works so well. Then people will be all like “hmm yeah, my hair does look like Ramen what do I do? Oops I’m dead.” Congratulations you just ruined a life and maybe made someone go bald.

Now for ones that suck. These quotes suck I hate reading them.

“E=MC2” –Alberts Einstein. Nice try Al, letters are supposed to spell words! You blew it.

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” –Kurts Cobain.

I saw a car do a burn out once and it was pretty cool.

As the driver flashed me his Tasmanian Devil tattoo and flipped me off, I realized that Kurts might be onto something. If you think about it though, if something faded away right in front of you it would probably be a cooler experience than if something burnt because it would be like Back to the Future which is a cool movie about magic and cars that burn out anyway. Wow check out that long sentence! Just call me Mr. Einsteins. Please enjoy my sentence.

“I love girls with big butts and boobs.” –George Washington. My older brother told me about this quote when I asked him for help. Personally I think this is a bad quote because it’s an inappropriate thing for a president to say. 0 out of 5 quote points.

“Thanks for reading, pal.” –Me!!!

deus ex cheese toast SIMONE HARRISON If I hear about another Jesus “sighting” found on a piece of Focaccia bread, on a sewer-stained wall or on some kind of domesticated animal, I think I’ll have an aneurysm. It’s not that I have a vendetta against nice, church-going people, it’s just the people that cross the line of being religious and being batshit crazy. You know, the same kind of people who think homosexuality is a sin. Crazies.

It seems like every week you hear about a new “sign from God,” but I have to wonder, would the alleged Son of God and the creator of

the world send a message through a piece of cheese toast or in a whole gallon of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream?

(Okay, I’ve seen God after eating a gallon of Cherry Garcia).

On top of making a news story about the supposed sighting, they have to talk to the people and usually the seers of Christ say things like, “You know, not everyone can see it.

Maybe it’s just a spiritual level you have to be on to be able to see it.”

So you’re telling me that if I’m not in the cool kids group with J-God, there is some invisible spell cast upon me? Okay, Harry Potter and

the Cheese Toast Jesus (Commonly referred to as “Cheesus”). The kind of people who still think Jesus is a white guy with a thick beard and a swimmer’s bod are the same kind of people who are going to find his image in a handful of walnuts.

Although, I’m not going to lie, if I could convince an entire church of people that Jesus was in my basement, I think there could be some profit in it for me; charge $5 to see the Son of God, national news coverage and a chance to hone in on my lost acting skills.

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

SPORTS THE GOLDEN BOYS OF LONG BEACH CSULB STUDENTS TRY TO KNOCKOUT LEUKEMIA JOE HAMMOND

Photos by Joe Hammond

Travis Carreiro

C

al State Long Beach students aren’t shy about taking martial arts. The campus features a number of clubs and classes featuring various martial arts from around the world. You can learn Capoeira, a Brazilian martial art with African roots, or you can study the noble Japanese sport of Karate. Boxing is really the grandfather of them all with images of boxers found even amongst the artifacts of the ancient Egyptians. This Saturday May 16th, two CSULB juniors: Travis Carreiro and Joey Bender are adding their names to both the boxing and martial arts tradition when they put it all on the line at DG Boxing’s Fight Night Round 2. The fights will be held at the Long Beach City College “Hall of Champions Gym” and for both fighters it will be their first respective amateur boxing bouts.

Part of the proceeds from this event will go to benefit the bigger fight against Leukemia.

“I got involved in Fight Night Round 2 looking to fight and when I found out it’s go-

ing to benefit the fight against Leukemia, it’s a no-brainer and a great way to give back,” said Carreiro. He went on to say that boxing reflects the diversity of student body activities and the fact that Long Beach is the most diverse city around. The fights will be held at Long Beach City College, where Carreiro transferred from before attending CSULB. “It’s my homecoming in a way,” he jokes.

Despite many of his relatives having backgrounds in boxing, including a U.S. Navy champion, not everyone in Carreiro’s family is eager to see him fight. “My mother says she won’t watch me fight, but my girlfriend is all about it,” explains Travis Carreiro as he goes through a shadow boxing routine at the DG Boxing gym located on Pacific Coast Highway, only a few blocks from CSULB. Carreiro is a kinesiology major because he loves sports, “I can’t sit behind a desk. I’m too passionate about sports.” Carreiro tried team sports at Lakewood High, but gravitated to sports like snowboarding, surfing and

now boxing. Travis explains, “In this sport you don’t have teammates, you’re by yourself. I love that challenge.”

The other CSULB contender is Joey Bender, a third year philosophy major. He has earned the ring moniker “The Candyman” because he works for Powell’s Sweet Shoppe on 2nd Street. “It’s hard working there while I’m trying to make weight and not eat the candy,” says Bender as he cools down from an intense workout. Both fighters will be at the Junior Middleweight division (154 lbs.) and when Bender started at DG Boxing a year ago he weighed 200 lbs.

Mr. Bender (spelled “like the robot,” he corrects me) took up the “Sweet Science” as a tribute to a friend. “In High School—a friend of mine—we used to work out and spar together. He passed away and I was never really able to beat him.” He found DG boxing online and decided to sign up, but he has always had a sweet spot for boxing.

“As a kid I’d always dart to the TV if Mike

Joey Bender

Tyson was on.” Joey Bender went to nearby Mayfair High before becoming a philosophy major at CSULB. Bender finds a lot of similarities between boxers and philosophers. “[Like philosophers] boxers are searching for something and for me it’s ‘how far can I go? How strong can I be?’ …In boxing [like philosophy] there are different approaches to the same problem. You can be assertive and go battling in at your opponent. Or you can be that fast, sneaky guy on the outside. I like taking that approach and in boxing you can actually win with that approach.”

Win, lose, or draw, the Fight Night Round 2 will be a great night of boxing for both young men as they put it all on the line. The event will be held at Long Beach City College Hall of Champions Gym on May 16 and tickets are priced at $10 and $20 for the ring floor. Part of the proceeds will go to benefit Leukemia research. For more information call 562-986-9421 or go to: http://www.dgfightnight.com/

THIS WEEK IN SPORTS A MINI-CALENDAR Tuesday, May 5: Baseball

vs Pepperdine

Blair Field, 6:30pm Thursday, May 7:

Women’s Golf vs NCAA West Regional Tempe, AZ All Day (Thursday, Friday, & Saturday)

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

Friday, May 8: Baseball

at UC Santa Barbara

Santa Barbara, CA, 2pm

Saturday, May 9: Baseball

at UC Santa Barbara Santa Barbara, CA, 1pm

Softball at Pacific Stockton, CA, 1pm & 3pm

Track at Big West Championships Irvine, CA, 2pm

Saturday (cont’d): Track

at Occidental Invitational

Eagle Rock, CA, 10am

Softball at Pacific Stockton, CA, 12pm

Sunday, May 10: Baseball

at UC Santa Barbara

Santa Barbara, CA, 1pm

Track at Big West Championships Irvine, CA, 11am

Women’s Tennis vs NCAA Regional May 8-10 Location & Time: TBA

MUSIC

reviewapalooza!

confused about what to listen to this summer? not to worry, the union weekly breaks it down for you real SIMPLE like The latest offering from French Canada’s apparently bustling indie music scene comes to us as a bundle of dance-pop goodness, courtesy of Winter Gloves’ debut album. Live drumming and the occasional guitar give the album Winter Gloves an organic, almost rootsy feel, About a Girl but for the low end, electric bass is replaced by powerful and buzzing synthesizers. Upbeat keyboard lines pepper the album throughout, and singer Charles F’s relaxed vocals give About a Girl a slick, easygoing feel, and the record benefits greatly from it. Winter Gloves’ tunes are beat-driven enough to be great for the occasional shindig, but the real accomplishment is how well they’ve let the recording breathe. Just now making their way stateside after enjoying a degree of popularity in their native Canada, Winter Gloves make music whose straightforwardness deserves a straightforward description: it’s catchy and well put together. Though the words “criminally overlooked” immediately spring to mind, it hasn’t been that long since their first album was made available in the USA. Really though, there’s no reason for this band not to be famous as all hell.

- Sean Boulger

Recorded as a gift for his girlfriend at the time, Passion Pit’s debut EP is a caffeinated dose of bedroom dance-pop that has succeeded in setting the pants of the music blog world on fire.

With their full-length album Passion Pit Manners still forthcoming, we Chunk of Change EP don’t have much to judge Passion Pit by, but Michael Angelakos’ first effort is definitely an impressive one. Now backed by what will undoubtedly be a fairly-inflated studio budget, not to mention a few more band members, Passion Pit have found themselves in dangerous territory as armchair music critics the world over wonder whether or not the LP will live up to its predecessor’s promises.

For all the hype, I hope it does. Chunk of Change is a bright, snappy little affair that’s bound to make you and all your friends nod your heads as you recognize the usual suspects: Angelakos gives James Mercer’s pipes a run for their money, the album is dancey, and the synth is so elastic and bouncy that you can’t help but bob your head from side to side. The perfect social album, Chunk of Change is a welcome bit of good fun—let’s just hope Manners lives up to the challenge Angelakos has set for himself. Shoulda just released an LP, man.

- Sean Boulger

About 5 years ago, Mi Ami were rocking sweaty dance floors as DC-favorite Black Eyes. As tastes changed and dance-punk gave way to electro and lo-fi, Black Eyes announced their break up.

Three members of the capital city Mi Ami stalwarts packed it up and moved Watersports out west to San Francisco, toned down the tempo, and embraced the tribal side of Black Eyes. After a couple of EPs, Mi Ami have finally put out their debut album, Watersports.

The opener, “African Rhythms” sets the tone for the rest of the album. Mi Ami lay down the fattest bass lines in indie today, but instead of going for cheap, dance rock fare they opt to build their grooves slowly. Meanwhile, frontman Daniel Martin-McCormick isn’t so much the singer of the band as he is another instrument acting out the weird tribal-ritual-thing that Mi Ami does so well.

Shouting and gibbering, Daniel takes vocal cues from such no-wave luminaries as DNA and Lydia Lunch, creating a trippy dissonance that goes perfectly with the band’s jams. Watersports is a total oasis in the middle of the lo-fi explosion. The band brings a positively tribal style to the indie rock crowd, and we all win.

Shoegaze, shoegaze, shoegaze. I can think of no genre with more obscure beginnings and more annoyingly ubiquitous influences these days.

Seems like one out of five bands have shoegazey tendenAsobi Seksu cies lately and the latest from Hush Asobi Seksu is sleek and shiny, like good shoegaze should be, I guess. Hush is a pleasing album, but lacks the pluck (as well as the more obvious My Bloody Valentine comparisons) that their first album offered. “Layers” opens the album on shaky footing, a fairly boring slow-burn of a song that eventually gives way to “Familiar Light,” the album’s most enjoyable track. “Sing Tomorrow’s Praise” is a pretty, yet unexciting tune, while “Gliss” makes excellent use of a rolling tom-tom throughout.

The rest of the album pretty much follows suit: just-OK songs are followed by good songs, but the album lacks any defining characteristics. Like its chic, mostly-white cover art, Hush is pretty, and has a tendency to blend together in an unremarkable way.

Fans of The Knife rejoice!

Despite their recently-announced (and hopefully not indefinite) hiatus, the Icelandic duo are not completely at rest. January saw the release of the self-titled debut from FeFever Ray ver Ray, singer Karin Dreijer Fever Ray Andersson’s solo outfit. Those of you that like your electronica dark, brooding, and creepy as shit are in for a treat.

Fever Ray shares the expected tendencies with its parent act, but actually isn’t quite as bizarre. Or rather, Fever Ray’s eccentricity is a little more understated than The Knife’s. In her brother’s absence, Andersson’s work is considerably less bombastic, instead shooting for a vocally-based electronic record that’s at least a bit more conventional than The Knife. All the hallmarks are there—Fever Ray is still dark and atmospheric, but the accessibility factor gives it some pretty substantial bonus points, making it a lot easier to settle into than its two-person counterpart. With The Knife being the powerhouse that it is, it’s good to see that Fever Ray effectively stands out on its own, showing that such a strong amount of comparison to The Knife is really just more unavoidable than it is unfortunate.

The best part about this album is that it’s really short, containing 13 songs and clocking in at just over 28 minutes in length. This is extremely helpful if you’ve been given the awful chore of reviewing Agoraphobic Nosebleed the album in question. The Agorapocalypse songs are so fast that they use a drum machine rather than put some poor drummer through the agony of attempting to actually play (or hear) their songs. The strange part is that despite the intense brevity of this album, I found I could still find songs that could’ve been trimmed. The first song (“Timelord Zero”) is completely superfluous.

And besides the last 40 seconds of track three (“Dick to Mouth Resuscitation”), nothing in the first five songs is really worth a listen (nor is anything after track ten).

“First National Stem Cell and Clone” and “White On White Crime” (the longest songs on the record at 3:19 each) demonstrate a brief glimmer of creativity (read: something other than fast noise). But the random and (purposefully?) laughable devotion to indecipherability and hyperbole ultimately damn this album to the joke file. Whether or not Agoraphobic Nosebleed are in on the joke is a question for another day.

- Sean Boulger

- Michael Mermelstein

- Sean Boulger

- Matt Dupree

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

Last year’s Campus Couture event was a sold out success.

Photos courtesy of Campus Couture Press Left: Original Sketch Design by Rene Villa

BEHIND THE SEAMS THE FASHION DEPARTMENT UNVEILED WORDS & PHOTOS

BY KATHY MIRANDA

A

loud whirring of machines echoes from the darkened hallways of the Family & Consumer Sciences building. I approach the droning sounds slowly, as if not to disturb the harmony of what I am about to discover: a room full of working hands, quietly focused, kneading and threading what seems like miles of colorful fabrics, intricately and beautifully designed. I am here, only a spectator, wandering in some hidden room down a hallway, thriving of textile grace.

This is Experimental Apparel Design, a Fashion Merchandising and Design course taught to prepare the FMD senior graduates for the annual fashion show held at the end of the year. I can already see the surprise wrinkling on your brow as you read this: “We have a Fashion program?”

The surprise is expected. Though the Fashion department has been around for over twenty years, it feels to me as if their deserved recognition is still lost in the shadows of the Fine Arts department or even the Liberal Arts divisions. The existence of

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

a fashion program here doesn’t seem to be garnering much recognition, even when this department is involved with one of the largest events held on campus. The surprise for me isn’t that the department is so small, but that their efforts to be recognized on the upper echelon of the University are so large and yet only yield a marginal result in comparison to other colleges. That is not to say the department is less significant than any other, quite the opposite actually—I believe the department deserves more appreciation for their hard work, and what better place to start than right here.

After interviewing a few dedicated FMD students and watching the designers create something out of nothing, its clear that the FMD department is more than just “a group of people making clothes.”

As an admirer of fashion, hearing these uninformed generalizations makes me wonder why people aren’t taking this department seriously. The general first impression of the Fashion Department succumbs to certain cultural stereotypes,

most of which are derived from the media— this is what I feel puts the department in the difficult position of reinforcing their reputation on campus.

Who’s to say making a dress is easy? Or planning an entire fashion show for one thousand isn’t hard? The patience required to do either of these things is immeasurable.

It all boils down to every stitch, every penny lost or gained in efforts to produce something beautiful. Senior Design major Rene Villa says, “I think because I work so hard, it doesn’t affect me. I know how hard I work. There is substance in the Fashion industry and there’s history. It’s not about the superficiality of the industry, it’s about the history.” Fellow Design major Jessica Butler adds, “Just take a look at what we’ve done. [Our] work speaks for itself.”

Fashion as a cultural phenomenon has changed progressively over the last 200 years, and I’m not just talking about extravagant designer dresses or fancy ruffled tunics. I’m talking about everyday fashion, high fashion and practical fashion.

From peasant shoes to fedora hats, the way we dress has always had a significant impact on our lives. For someone to reject such an enriching element of our social identities is unfortunate and imprudent of their character. You don’t have to know who Yves Saint Laurent is to recognize the amount of time it takes to design and produce a piece of clothing. Just take a second to look at the garment, it really does speak for itself.

Like any other art, Fashion has allowed us to truly take hold of our creative consciousness. In part with being a symbol of nobility and status, it is one of the easiest outlets for individual expression. Villa says

of his aesthetic, “I don’t want to sound corny—but it’s a mixture of what designers are currently doing and what I feel, what my life experiences are about. I like to think of [my style] as romantic.”

Eco-friendly and green conscious Design major Jennifer Eldridge jumps in, “It’s always been my creative outlet, sewing and working with fabric, shaping the way clothes fit on the human body—I love it.” And for Eldridge, the imaginative element is what counts, without it, the industry might be losing its best attribute.

She continues, “But I don’t think I want to do it for my career anymore. Working in the industry can take away some of that creativity because you’re creating for a certain market—and everything is done on the computer. And I really like working with my hands.” Not so superficial after all, now are they?

And let’s not get too carried away with pins and needles. Most people don’t realize that without business, fashion can’t grow, at least monetarily. This is where the Merchandising majors come in—without them, Fashion designers wouldn’t know how to export their fine crops. And more importantly, for our purposes, they wouldn’t even have a fashion show to celebrate.

In honor of the seniors, the Annual Campus Couture Fashion Show is produced by the entire FMD Department, students and faculty alike, to showcase the garments made by the graduating class. This year marks their 21st show and Rebecca Smith, Head Coordinator of the event, couldn’t be more excited. “The Campus Couture Fashion Show is the highlight of the Fashion Merchandising & Design Department.

Every design and merchandising student

Top left: Design major Jessica Butler threads the daunting interlock machine, a task that is more complicating than you think. Above: Design major Jennifer eldrige re-shapes her self-dyed hemp skirt. She informs me of the importance of using natural fabrics to help conserve Earth’s resources and avoid pesticide-heavy materials.

is actively involved in producing the show.

We have become a tight-knit family after working all year together. There is a palpable energy in the department as everyone counts down the days.”

As an opportunity for current and prospective students to explore their interests in pursuing Fashion as a career, the show has become a main priority for every FMD student. As the largest studentrun event on campus, the production team has to prepare everything from fundraising and models calls to the color of the lights onstage. Every helping hand is appreciated, as a lot of the helpers separate from students are volunteers.

“Not just a few people get involved. The entire department gets involved. One of our goals is to get exposure for our whole department. We are trying to promote and reach the whole Long Beach area—we are just trying be noticed as a large part of the university,” PR Coordinator Tyler Rodriguez adds.

Let’s face it. We’ve reduced the art of fashion down to Worst Dressed Celebrity lists and underweight models. But fashion isn’t celebrated only in the vein of narcissism.

It, like most other forms of expression, allows the individual in all of us to emerge, all whilst encouraging a sense of uniting cultures, traditions and beliefs. We, as a society, are not unlike the clothes we wear. We project for ourselves an image, whether it be flip-flops and a t-shirt or vintage peep-toe heels and an eco-friendly hemp dress. It is in our very nature to communicate through style, even if it was the only clean shirt you had to wear.

The 21st Annual Campus Couture Fashion Show is expecting a sold-out crowd on May 13th at the Carpenter Performing Arts Center with festivities starting at 7 p.m. The show will feature guest judges from Hurley, Project Runway, and Project Ethos just to name a few. Tickets are on sale for $20 available in the lobby at the Family and Consumer Sciences Building. Come to the show and watch the Design majors make it work!

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

ENTERTAINMENT HE’S LOST CONTROL SORRY, THE LIMITS OF CONTROL ISN’T A JOY DIVISION MOVIE JAMES KISLINGBURY

T

he Limits of Control is the latest from the patron saint of independent films, Jim Jarmusch (Dead Man, Broken Flowers), and watches like a throw-back to a Jean-Pierre Melville movie if he was really into Zen Buddhism. As with Jarmusch’s Coffee and Cigarettes and to a lesser extent Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai, The Limits of Control follows an episodic structure, with no real central plot.

The plot is secondary to the characters that inhabit this world. The focus of the film is on a nameless, suit-wearing gun-for-hire (who doesn’t carry a gun) played by Isaach de Bankolé (the good African guy in this season’s 24 and the ice cream man in Ghost Dog). The camera follows him as he travels from Spanish city to Spanish city, encountering various contacts who give him a coded message, along with a dose of unsolicited philosophical monologues.

Bankolé has the most screen time of the film, which also includes roles from Tilda Swinton (Burn After Reading, Michael Clayton), Hiam Abbass (the mom from The Visitor), Gael García Bernal (Babel, The Sci-

ence of Sleep), and the magnanimous John Hurt (who I would watch in absolutely anything). The movie also includes a beautiful actress by the name of Paz de la Huerta, who serves as a subverted version of the film noir sexpot. It’s worth noting that she’s naked for most of her scenes, and that she also has the only asymmetrical breasts I’ve ever seen in a movie (maybe the only ones in cinematic history). In a way, her lopsided breasts serve as a metaphor for the structure of the film—they’re compelling, but there’s something slightly off that you can’t quite put a name to immediately. The Limits of Control isn’t bad, but it’s very clearly different than most movies about stone-cold, international assassins.

There’s a point where a film stops being mysterious and starts being obtuse. It’s hard to tell which side The Limits of Control rests on. The plot isn’t sparse, it’s nearly threadbare, and this isn’t helped by the Lone Man’s unerring stoicism. There’s a brief glimpse at what the film might have been when Bill Murray appears towards the finale. His performance is wry and funny and carries a lot more energy than the previous hour and a half did.

The scene also highlights what the rest of the film was lacking: Bill Murray being an unrepentant asshole. The characters that inhabit this world or their crazy theories are interesting, but they’re spaced so far apart that they barely exist as anything more than overheard conversations at a coffee shop.

I know it’s barely even May, but it’s probably safe to say that The Limits of Control is going to be the coolest film in theaters this year. And much like cool people, Jarmusch’s film is an enigma. It’s unapproachable and, since it knows it’s cool, doesn’t feel the need to prove or explain anything. It can simply subsist off of the knowledge that it is cooler than most of the people on Earth, or, you know, filmgoers. Which is fine. Jim Jarmusch is a man who knows exactly what he’s doing.

He isn’t afraid of making challenging films; but with that said, he also probably knows that his movies aren’t for everyone.

This is pretty much the movie. This guy walking around Spain.

3 out of 5 exclamations.

MOON’S OVER MY SAMMY A REVIEW OF MOON | SHOWING ON LIMITED SCREENS 6.12.09 SIMONE HARRISON Even if you’re not a fan of sci-fi, you should scrape together the nine dollars it takes to see Moon (though you won’t be able to eat for the next two days). The film is a three-man drama revolving around astronaut Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell), who has a three-year contract with Lunar—the future’s equivalent of Edison. Sam lives on the moon in total solidarity, his only companion is GERTY (Kevin Spacey), a compassionate but simple robot whose main priority is to make sure that Sam is taken care of.

Sam’s job on the Moon is to harvest Helium-3, an energy-efficient molecule that in the future is Earth’s sole power source. Later, Sam meets a younger, more hostile version of himself, raising questions not only about his psychological state but also about what role he is really playing in Lunar’s scheme.

Moon conveys several complex ideas— something that most sci-fi movies haven’t tried in decades. Sam struggles to under-

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

stand the ethics of the company he works for while blindly following his duties and giving his complete trust. He experiences the suffering of isolation and being away from his wife and three-year-old daughter. And when he meets his clone, we start to wonder: if we ever met ourselves, would we like ourselves?

Because of the film’s minimal budget, most of the visual effects were done with miniatures, which is more cost-effective and said to be much more realistic than CGI. All of the shots of the Moon were taken by a NASA photographer, which aided in the believability of life on the Moon. Moon pays homage to films like Alien, Blade Runner and 2001: A Space Odyssey—films from a time when science fiction meant more than special effects and could move an audience on a psychological level. So if you’re nostalgic for these films, see if you can pick up all the subtle references. Sam Rockwell delivers a sure-to-be-legendary performance, and with good reason—the part was written for him. Playing two people simultaneously is a challenge in itself, but playing an outer-space

Castaway with a shooting schedule of 33 days says a lot about Rockwell’s acting abilities.

Moon is directed by Duncan Jones, whose father just happens to be David Bowie (Major Tom anyone? Anyone?). The screenplay is an adaptation of his original story and Moon is, surprisingly, Jones’ first feature-length film.

Moon is the kind of movie that reaches out to every kind of movie lover, and I’m not trying to be cheesy: I truly believe that. If you love a good sci-fi flick, this is obviously for you, but if you love dramas, comedy, romance or psychological thrillers this is also your movie.

Both Duncan Jones’ story and Sam Rockwell’s acting make you want to cry and laugh at the same time while screaming, “Holy shit! Don’t go down that shaft!” I would recommend this to anyone, except for a ten-year old or someone who likes shitty movies.

4 out of 5 exclamations.

LITERATURE THE THIN READ LINE A REVIEW OF THE THIN RED LINE BY JAMES JONES JAMES KISLINGBURY

Illustration JAMES KISLINGBURY

A

s a war nerd, it was only a matter of time before I began to chew my way through the great American literature on World War II, and with that one of the most critically acclaimed novels to come out of that war: The Thin Red Line.

Written by James Jones (who also penned From Here to Eternity) in 1962, the novel follows a hapless band of soldiers in C-ForCharlie as they attempt to clear Guadalcanal, the bloodiest island in the Pacific, of the Imperial Japanese forces. The book was later

adapted twice into film, once in 1968 and a second time in 1998. From what I can tell, the second film contains the best passages of the book, without the immense amount of chaff that makes up Jones’ novel.

This isn’t a criticism of the book, exactly—it’s unfair to compare one medium to the other—but what works for the film is that it’s much better paced. Jones’ novel is a rambling affair with no obvious rhyme or reason. Presumably, this is Jones’ point, since in war there’re no clear objectives, romanticism, or selfless courage—there’s only trying to get through the day. In this way Jones has made a unique war novel, one that is completely detached from the popular myths of the Greatest Generation.

The soldiers of The Thin Red Line aren’t John Wayne and Audie Murphy, they’re frightened mortals who cuss, retreat, develop pointless grudges, and occasionally try to have sex with each other. While he manages to avoid the sentimentality of

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UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

WWII, he also makes every person, place, and thing in his book completely unlikable.

The story lacks a central narrator and the reader isn’t chained to a single character.

What this results in is a story without a spine. It doesn’t have distinguishable characters, it doesn’t have set pieces, or even character development (unless one gets shot). The Thin Red Line is so generalized that it’s almost reductive. The reader isn’t given enough time with any character to properly care about him and when he does learn something about a soldier he finds that he isn’t just flawed, but the character is a downright, miserable bastard. With the exception of Sergeant Welsh (who reads like he fell out of Catch-22) there’s little to be interested in or to sympathize with.

Jones might be trying to make a point about the loss of individuality that occurs in the military, but I’ll be damned if I care.

The style is primarily expressed through the viewpoints of about a dozen

or so different soldiers. The author never indicates when he shifts from one character’s perspective to another’s, either. Even though this unanchored narrative is what causes most of The Thin Red Line’s problems, it’s also the most interesting thing about the book. As readers we’re left to figure out if these men are liars, crazy, or actually bothering to tell the truth. Jones is one of a select few authors that can shift between several dozen characters’ narratives and make it appear seamless. Note to aspiring writers: Steal from this man.

Interesting literary techniques aside, as a novel it falls short. There is no story, just drudgery, and a lot of descriptions of terrain that I can’t make any sense of. The Thin Red Line is a well-constructed book that I’m glad I got out of the way, but there isn’t much I can give a shit about in its 500 pages. If it came down to it, I’d rather watch the movie again and spend the rest of my day napping in peace.

Coke and Windex I’m standing between buildings thinking about coke and Windex.

The bottle’s lodged behind a cold metal spiral; this is one failure too many. I jerk the coin return; it springs up and ridicules my efforts.

It’s early. I bet my dad’s standing on top of an excessive number of steps in a futile attempt to win over the public about some fucking new law, or why the hell to keep an old one.

I jerk it again. Fuck you, it says. People used me and banged me all day.

Speaking of which, my mom must be either doing coke or the neighbor’s son, or both, and I have a meeting in thirty with a P.I. named Bill who watches pornos in his office but I know I’m gonna miss it because I’m banging on this damn machine till it worksIt’s smug and it’s pigheaded and it stole my money.

So I flip off the machine that says “Coke” sideways in glowing letters and I get so thirsty I’m prepared to faint but I don’t.

Maybe I’ll go home and find Abby rubbing windows with Windex like she’s waving.

I’ll tell her what I think of her and all of them, and drive off into the sunset alone as the rain starts to pour, and a voice I know comes on the radio, reminding me that I’m real.

NADIA KING

Dress

House of Heaven

Wrinkled and light, it drapes her skin

The heartless shovel breaks the dirt’s spine The ground which use to nurture a seed now buries a son This cry sounds much like laughter but with no peace, the dream that was raised to be reality will now be greatly missed.

like a silk halo, it hovers just above her chest.

This grassland covered in stone beds is the house of heavens for the ones who did more, my flesh is not worthy enough to cast a shadow on you and your eyes closed.

Barely breathing, fingers roam delicate, hushed.

A single strap falling over timid shoulders;

The smell of loss and fear of emptiness hurts my heart Given is taken by rules of nature forever is not a law, we must be one day gone

enough heaviness for her to take it all off.

The invisible flight you take as we weep and pray you are a song, a memory, a living soul among us we live through you in our short stay.

KATHY MIRANDA

Naked Integral Eyes stretch and trace lines, etchings

of some ethereal

handiwork, beauty

ephemeral.

Sacred calligraphy

in the hard brushstrokes that outline the skin mountains capped with coffee-colored flat-brimmed fedoras, adorning your chest as signs of maturity, eventually maternity.

The unseen hand that formed them must have quivered as it joined the dots between upper and lower torsos.

Tortoise slow, the painstaking

pace to craft

fleeting perfection.

ALAN PASSMAN

OMID MOUSAEI

We are One and the Same: a Meditation Every heart beating thumping in this room, every mind churning the wheel all legs spidering to dance, our shoes tie in one not.

And when we complain it is just shared love for we hear the same songs, loathsome restless urges to get out, explode into air dance through the night under street lights of yellow and call home to our mothers, feel safe in the arms of loving embrace.

We are in the lions belly and we are all digesting into stars.

Smoldering in explosive smiles and yearning to be swept in the river with brook trout, nibble the reads and say, Oh that’s nice.

We sip cold drinks in the sun, condensation dripping down the side, the breeze whistling a call to come home, to become one.

DANIEL OSTERWEIL

Photo by Alejandra Campoy Illustration by Matt Dupree

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

CULTURE the Lights are Brighter in Sativa-town

better biking

with Andy Pekema

SAVE THE SIDEWALKS

PHOTOS BY KATHY MIRANDA

michael veremans

L

ooking at the beautiful blue-green cola of a Cannabis sativa plant, I begin to understand that this is more than just a flower. Sativa is one of the two distinct types of culinary cannabis— the other being indica—that generations of cannaculturists have developed throughout human history. The pleasure of conflagrating sativa’s flavorful buds has brought inspiration—a state of creative intoxication—and an almost unbearable welling-upness to its hazy devotees, establishing itself as foremost among mankind’s sinless delights that’ll still get you stoned.

I first learned the timeless secrets of sativa’s electricity three years ago in Amsterdam. Among the many awardwinning strains available in the smoky coffeeshops along Warmoesstraat was UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

AK-47, which took me on revolutionary trails as I lit jungles ablaze and found the cerebral, other-worldly high that tingles your cheeks and puts a buzz on the day.

Massively uplifting for the melancholy, its flavors were deep and fruity, with hints of lavender, like a crisp mimosa.

The next bud to seduce me was Jack Herer with its piney taste and hints of Thai. It was an excellent all-around sativa, waking up the eyes and the mind while keeping a floating body high, while the smoke is fresh with an honest cough due to the overwhelming abundance of white trichomes on the almost bluish-green, tight, thin nugs.

I was learning quickly that from Diesel to Pineapple, sativa is not for the indolent that just wants to slip into the couchlock wastelands of a heavy Kush, it is for the Hashshishin on the go.

Later I was introduced—or should I say, re-introduced—to the botanical cornucopia of California. Many local strains derive from the infamously pungent Sour Diesel. The general appearance of a good Diesel is the contrasting

light buds and dark green leaves that cling tightly with misty peach hairs and sticky white crystals that stick to your fingertips. A top Cali sativa hybrid is the Headband from local cannabis club/ information hub 215 Collective, which has an instant and soaring effect with that musty fuel taste and a kushy finish: in other words, dank as fuck.

Another top strain for the Diesel connoisseur is the Chem Dog from AAC, which has a dense, musky, and haze-like flavor. The smoke hits with a heavy headsqueeze effect, despite the light taste, and one hit will make even the most experienced connoisseur take a brief seat, it is a spacey up that requires some personal time. The OG cross gives it a full body buzz, which is rare in a sativa. It is a mighty bud that is a must for seasoned sativists and a blessing for novices, but variety is the key to smoking pleasure, so don’t miss the chance to enjoy the abundance and variety that is California cannabis culture.

There are several reasons I decided to start writing this column. A big one was a (probably futile) attempt to increase bicycle ridership. Another major concern was the safety of cyclists. But by far my greatest motivation was to try (even more futilely) to stop bicycle riders from doing things that generally piss me off and make cyclists look bad—leading me to this week’s tip: Don’t ride bikes on sidewalks.

I love all cyclists, but nothing annoys me more, or makes cyclists look worse than people biking on the sidewalk. Sidewalks are not made for bikes—they are for pedestrians…and skateboarders. Pedestrians don’t want bikes flying by, and you don’t want to slow down and weave between people who can’t seem to walk in a straight line. Plus, we can’t forget that biking on sidewalks is actually illegal.

Bikes are meant to be ridden on streets or designated bike paths. I realize it can be slightly difficult to get around CSULB sticking to streets and nonexistent bike paths, but it is possible, and biking is still a better form of transit than walking or driving. I will admit there are rare occasions when a bike must venture onto the sidewalk, but it should only be for a brief time if no other options are available. If you absolutely must ride on the sidewalk, consider walking your bike or riding slowly and extra carefully. More tips to help you navigate the bicycle deathtrap that is CSULB while avoiding sidewalks coming soon.

Do you bike and already know this? If so, you should probably join the CSULB Cyclists. Get in touch with them at csulbcyclists@gmail.com.

COMICS

MEDIUM

You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto

You’re STUCK Here! bonus strip

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

penguin.incarnate@gmail.com

HARD

Drunken Penguin Presents... by James Kislingbury

Where the hell is “Easy?”

Send feedback to: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or leave comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239

Summer Destruction by JANTZEN

www.funatronics.com/kookoo

MED

HARD

ANSWERS

Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake

UNION WEEKLY

4 MAY 2009

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Pussy tummy. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com

“We’re in the...what is it?

Mile...stretch...final mile?”

Volume 64 Issue 13

Monday, May 4th, 2009

Giant Bats Still Rule City Hall But as of today, two months later, civic meetings are still being conducted in Larkin’s home.

“I mean…don’t get me wrong, we’ve tried stuff. But those suckers are mean. As long as we feed them, they don’t get violent. That was a good day when we figured that one out.”

So far the city of Round Top has lost one associate janitor and four exterminators trying to extract the giant bats. Most disturbing is The giant bats’ leaders, who the locals have dubbed Xarnagan, will dine on only the finest of Gushers fruit the disappearance of an snacks children visiting on field trips leave behind out of fear and humility. eight-year-old girl who “I come in like I do every morn- went missing from Round Top

BY BOSSY BOOTS ing, you know? For the vacuums? City Hall during a school field trip.

ROUND TOP, TX – Last year, I flipped the lights, and BOO! I However, city officials are not conRound Top, Texas lost the title knew no vacuums that day.” vinced that the girl’s disappearance “Texas’ Smallest Town” when Friday, as a civic clerk led a full- has anything to do with the bats.

Debbie Oaks (34) gave birth to grown cow into the Mr. and Mrs. Larkin: “We’ve been losing triplets, pushing the town’s pop- Larry Judy Room of the Round little girls at City Hall long before ulation to 90—two more than Top City Council Hall where the the bats showed up.” neighboring Impact’s population bats are living, Mayor Wane LarToday, Larkin and Round Top of 88. But two months ago, Round kin stated, “Each one has a body are hanging in there. “It’s like the Top grew yet again, this time by about four feet in length. They old saying goes, when life give you seven. Seven giant bats. are H-U-mungo! They’ll suck this lemons…We’ve been given bats, The giant bats, which have yet cow dry in one night!” so we’re looking into converting to be officially classified, took up Hoping the bats would even- all the Guano into fertilizer.” residence in City Hall—right in tually leave, City Hall officials Pizza Hut franchise owner the heart of Texas’ second-small- simply begun conducting their Dan Arbor added, “On the plus est town. The City Hall Head Jani- daily business elsewhere—Mayor side, with a couple more deaths tor, Jamie Ramirez, was the first to Larkin’s kitchen. Larkin: “Hey, we’re back to being the smallest discover the winged beasts: we’re in it for the community!” town in Texas!”

LBUNION.COM

Ja Rule to Attend Local Birthday Celebration

BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR ANAHEIM, CA – Local youth Dinkle Jeffries reports that the cool rapper Ja “Rap” Rule will be attending his birthday celebration on Saturday afternoon. “It’s going to be cooler than anyone can imagine, and people can imagine some pretty cool things,” said Jeffries as he adjusted his festive hat.

No word yet from our re“Wait—what?” said Ja Rule as he was informed of his searchers on whether or own plans to attend Dinkle Jeffries’ birthday party. not people are truly able to imagine “cool things,” more up- the pizza. Mom! Moooom!” said dates as they come.

Jeffries as he stomped on his floor; The party will reportedly boast which was soon to be graced by Ja several fun party activities, such as Rule’s feet (and hands when he is an “ice cream cake, a PG-13 movie, doing ‘shups.) and a push-up contest where anyJa Rule’s publicist was pleased one at the party can challenge Ja to announce that the rumors of Rule as long as they are comfortable Ja Rule attending the much publiwith the fact that they will lose,” said cized gathering were “one hundred Jeffries. “Oh and also you have to re- percent false.” Ja Rule is reportedly fer to them as ‘shups or Ja Rule will using his off time from rapping get seriously pissed,” added Jeffries awesomely to write an autobiograas he hung a streamer over a lamp. phy that “chronicles his rise to the Junior high schools all over top of the charts.” the city have been buzzing with “It’s going to be as dope as a the exciting news of Rule’s atten- fuck,” added Ja Rule as he puked a dance. Jeffries revealed the secret little bit. “Invitations are still availto his good fortune. “I have this able,” added Dinkle Jeffries even uncle who washes Ja Rule’s car like though nobody is going to come to twice a month, the guy owes him his bullshit party anyway since he a favor. Mom! Don’t get olives on made the whole thing up.

INSIDE

Swine Flu Jokes Spread Faster than Actual Swine Flu

“Look, I don’t mean to be a downer over here,” said local comedian Paul Ratter as he set up the swine flu joke he doesn’t realize everyone in his audience has already heard. The joke outbreak has already swept across the US and is currently making the rounds in Western Europe.

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Man Discovers Half-Eaten Meatloaf, Vin Diesel Film Plot Hole

“Holy shit,” said Guy Pattington as he found half of him mom’s special meat loaf and realized that Riddick shouldn’t have been able to get out of custody by dislocating his arms. “That doesn’t make a lick of sense.”

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Local Authorities Can’t Stop Foreign Dude from Partying PAGE 1

“Happy Couple” Drags it Out for One More Year PAGE PP3