ISSUE 65.02 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
CLAY COOPER
Managing Editor
joeb.union@gmail.com
clay.union@gmail.com simone.union@gmail.com
KEVIN O’BRIEN
kevinob.union@gmail.com
News Director
ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
kathym.union@gmail.com
SOPHISTICATED BEAR
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER Art Director
CLAY COOPER Cover
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
RACHEL RUFRANO Copy-Editor Wrangler
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
JOE BRYANT
jamesk.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA Grunion Editor
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
victorpc.union@gmail.com
Culture Editor
JOE VERSUS TACT & PROPRIETY
andyk.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor
-Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of it
rachel.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor
“How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavor is it?”
B
efore you write me about the giant dump on the cover, just understand that we’re aware of our reputation as needlessly crude. Got it? Okay, you can go ahead and write us now. Everyone’s talking about the furloughs because the furloughs are affecting everyone. Less school means less content and less pages (or at least we figured we could save a few bucks by pretending it did), so we don’t have a feature for this week’s issue. The cover normally correlates with a feature, but we figured since the issue is only going to be out for a little over half of a week, why bother? We’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys, but we’re go-
ing to save it for a whole week. Hence the piece of shit on the cover: furloughs may be a necessary evil (see page 4), but what a fucking hassle. One of the first things any new writer that comes into our office does is write an article littered with “fucks” and “bullshits” and “parking,” but eventually they get over it and try to only use swear words sparingly for emphasis or humor (I’m still working on it). When I first started writing for the Union, I wrote an article about the Airblade hand dryers in the USU, in which I used the phrase “fellatio of the hand” (which makes no sense), a gaggle of other sexual innuendos, and a graphic description of skin being ripped off of a penis. This was the first article my mother read. I’m fairly certain she hasn’t read an issue since. It’s with that in mind that I told my
grandmother, a very conservative, respectable woman, that I would finally show her the newspaper I work for. So far I’ve had pictures of me doing lines off of a Rock Band guitar in the main spread and shit on the cover. I’m going to make sure that my grandmother never sees this issue or the last one. I just want you all to know how much I’ve sacrificed for this paper: my mother’s self-esteem and my grandmother’s opinion of me. You’re welcome. I toyed with the idea of a grandma-safe issue, but in the end that only amounts to a terrible inside joke and my grandma wondering what the other issues are like. I think that ultimately it’s better she’s left in the dark. Ask Away!
Who better to get advice from/complain to than some guy you don’t know? Send all emails to: joeb.union@gmail.com
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, ALAN PASSMAN, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, JASON OPPLIGER, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, JESSE BLAKE, DOMINIC McDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, ALLAN STEINER, ANDREW LEE, KEN CHO, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, DAVID FAULK, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JOHN YANG, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, JOE HAMMOND, MONA KOZLOWSKI, NEIL CORBIN, KATRINA GUEVARA, ALLEGRA RINGO, KELVIN HO, BRYAN WALTON, NADIA VANEK, JAMIE KARSON, JAVIER BELTRAN
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
SEAN BOULGER
MOON EDITOR
VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 Forgetting to take out the trash last week is really going to come up and bite you in the ass, says this month’s planetary alignment. Expect a particularly nasty case of the shingles. LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 You’ve been spending too much time in bed again, and those sores are only going to get worse. Luckily for you, this month’s rising water sees an increase in your libido and energy. Just stay away from playgrounds. SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Who asked you, anyway? It’s looking to me and my crystal ball like you’ve been getting on just about everyone’s nerves. Maybe spend a few days indoors, Scorpio. SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 Your natural prowess at Scrabble (thanks to your sign, of course), is actually going to wind up being your demise this month. Avoid your usual Scrabble Night, lest you wind up with a considerable debt.
CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 You consistently forget that taking candy from strangers is not really that great of an idea…keep this up and you’re sure to meet an undesired fate this month. AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 This month’s planetary drift will find you almost uncontrollably watching Alfred Hitchcock movies and then trying to start conversations with strangers, discussing their merits. Resist. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 Good news: you’re solid! All signs indicate that you’re a well-balanced individual, whom everybody likes. Your finances are looking great, and your job is going well. Oh, but before the month’s end Jupiter and Saturn will align, resulting in the death of a dearly beloved family member. ARIES March 21-April 19 The planet’s alignment and rising energy this month will cause you to discover a new affinity for short shorts and half-Asian men. Enjoy. TAURUS April 20-May 20 This month’s verdict is in, and the rest
of the signs want you to collect your things and leave. Thank you for your time. You will be billed in 7-10 business days. GEMINI May 21-June 21 Listen, normally I just stick to astrology, but I’ve been dabbling in geology, and I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a shift in the tectonic plates right under your apartment. This is going to create a chasm, the grandest of chasms even, right as you’re watching the newest episode of Dexter on your couch and you’ll fall into the depths of the earth. Also, don’t eat fish this month. CANCER June 22-July 22 Turns out all that karma you’ve been saving up is on its way back, so you just might come into a few extra bucks or a compact disc or possibly a free subway sandwich—I’m not sure, check back later. LEO July 23-Aug 22 If you’re not careful, Saturn’s energy is more than likely going to cause your computer to crash at some point in the very near future. Save that big project and back up all your porn.
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
OPINIONS
on Death; not a fan How loss teaches us what we should already know
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Illustration
JAMIE KARSON
JAMES KISLINGBURY
eath, I’m realizing, is the worst. It tears people up inside, it ruins their days, and it’s a complete mystery. Death, like most important things, can’t be understood until you actually experience it yourself. Even for the living, there’s no amount of prep work or training that can make sense of it. I’ve come to this conclusion, because last Thursday, my uncle died. I can make a good omelette and I can outscore my parents in a game of Jeopardy, but when it comes to something as basically important as sending my cousins a condolence e-mail, I’m entirely out of my depth. This matters like so few things do. If I can’t write more than a couple of sentences to comfort someone how am I ever going to deal when death strikes closer or harder? The things the matter most in life, I seem to be least equipped for. The past hasn’t prepared me for this situation, because I’ve never been so close to a death like this one. When my grandparents passed, it didn’t exactly come as a shock. My grandmother on my mom’s side was the first to die, but I was so young it barely even registered. She died in her sleep and, as I learned by hearing it over and over again in the weeks after, “That’s the way to go.” When her husband died, it wasn’t exactly a horrific shock. He went out as most people only dream of. He was 92, sharp as a tack, he had a girlfriend, he traveled the world, and wasn’t haunted by any dark secrets. He was a good man who was survived by nine children
and who knows how many grandchildren and great grandchildren. Even the manner of his death could almost be considered gentle. He didn’t contract some disease that sucked him dry and robbed him of his mind like Alzheimer’s did my dad’s mother. When he died, he pulled his car in front of his house, put it in park, and died. The engine was still running when his neighbors found him. My grandpa on my dad’s side was even less of a shock: He died years before I was even born. It wasn’t that way this time. We knew he was sick for a long time, but I didn’t know he had been this sick. He was only 63 years old, two years younger than my dad, a far cry from 92. The man who was married to my mom’s twin, who fathered three of my favorite cousins, who we watched Old School with at Thanksgiving is just gone. He’s gone and the most profound thing I can come up with is “You must feel like hell.” I guess the most disconcerting thing about this is there’s no changing it. If you’re sick, you can get better. If your car breaks down, you fix it. If you’re in debt, you get a job. There’s a solution for all of these things, but not for death. With death, that’s it. There’s no solving this problem and that’s probably the scariest part of it. Not only is someone you love gone forever, but we’re suddenly made aware of our own mortality like no other event can make us. We can’t do anything except remember the good times we had with the departed. Thankfully, in this case are plenty. Of course that lesson, someone else taught me.
No one cares:
Why teachers talking about the furloughS IS a total waste of time. CAITLIN CUTT There are two major reasons why my first week of school sucked: this fucking heat, and all this furlough business. Both topics were verbally ground into my facepores by everybody that thought I would listen this week, only confirming my suspicion that we are all going to school in a giant, un-kept, academic armpit. To be honest, I’ve been whining about the heat multiple times an hour just like everybody else. But the bulk of the furlough-centric conversation has come from my professors. Actually, from what I can tell, those are the only people complaining about the furlough days at CSULB. I understand why they’re upset. They got a 10% cut in salary because of these UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
budget cuts and, considering these people still may lose their jobs over this “economic downturn,” I fully get the impulse to educate students about what each of us are missing out on. But here’s the thing: at the end of the day, CSULB students probably don’t care about the quality of their education, and even fewer students will attempt to do anything about it. I understand how this is making me sound right now. But the deal is, only 30% of America actually reads. At all. I tell everyone I know about this terrifying statistic because I think is says a lot about where we are as a culture. It says that, if people do go to school, after spending four-ish years getting a degree that few
people even consider after they begin their professional career, Americans feel like they don’t have to learn anymore. Their time in college was looked on as the last hoorah before student debts, real jobs, marriage, divorce (which over half of us will deal with if we choose to continue living in California) and babies. Therefore, I have very little hope that 70% of America cares about what they’re learning in the first place. Essentially I think most people are pissed about the “fee increase” moreso than the “…and less school” part in this ass-backwards equation. On a syllabus, “furlough” is just as good as “vacation” for most people here. These furloughs mean less kids will
get into an under-staffed school that will only get more expensive to attend. I get it. But I’m sorry, I’m positive the hours I spent in my classes this week, listening to my professor’s lecture us about this furlough stuff were an exponential waste of my already dwindling time class time, and theirs. How do I know? Because, again, the only people I hear talking about the furloughs are the professors themselves. They’re telling me I have less time in class, and now I have even less because they won’t accept the stupid truth: students are tuning them out. They already feel like they’ve paid their dues in this mess, guys. “We forked over more money for tuition this year, right?”
OPINIONS
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE AND THE CAPITALIST DILEMMA MICHAEL VEREMANS
CATHY CONKLIN I’ve been single for four months and I’m starting to think I’ll never have sex again. Will I? -Katherine Dear Dry-Spell Spinstress, I have no idea when you’ll have sex next, but if you keep this kind of sad behavior up (read: never ask anyone, “When will I have sex next?”) you’ll be screwing a whole soccer team in some frat house before you know it. My advice to you is pretty simple: go to the gym, accept that no one care’s about your family trip to Bass Lake, and read something interesting so you have shit to talk about. Maybe join a church? I’m a quiet guy, I mean I’m almost invisible.
I’m dating a black chick. I guess that wasn’t really a question. -Guy Dear Taken A-Black, Was it just that you thought you would never wind up with a really great girl? How bad was the last one? Anyway, you obviously thought you’d have to deal with a giant line of bitchy women before you found a cool one for yourself, but you were wrong. I’m sure she’s a lucky girl, too. Put you’re comic’s down and get some! Way to go! Both of you!
My boyfriend wants to go to brown town, should I do it? -Ashlee Dear Hershey Highway-woman, I have news for you: your boyfriend is about to break up with you. I don’t care how many episodes of Loveline you’ve watched, guys that want to go there with “their girl” want one of two things: a penis, or another girl’s box. Just end it now. Believe me, it will be less painful.
I’ve been harboring a crush on a guy for awhile, but my best friend swooped. Is she a farel bitch? -Mandy Dear Empty Port, Let. Me. Guess. You’ve known this girl for what? At least two years? Any less and she’d be cut. She was the one telling you after that breakup you went through, “It’s okay! Everyone has a one-night stand!” Thought so. She’s not a friend. She’s you’re excuse to do all the things you know you shouldn’t be doing. This is your lesson, from now on, hang out with women that have less-traumatic daddy issues than you do. You’ll find another one.
Ask Cathy!
Send your complaints to the biggest bitch on campus. Send all emails to: cathyconklin.union@gmail.com
I
f you’ve been receiving your daily telescreen transmissions from President Obama, then you’re probably aware of the push for universal healthcare. The notion of affordable, national medical coverage has been a hot media topic since the primaries, mildly arouse most liberals, while sparking the hard-earned ire of reactionary, conservative factions. Despite the polarizing nature of the healthcare crisis in the United States, the reality is that the proposed medical reforms are not going to tackle the inadequacies in national coverage. Hell, they’re not even socialist. In its present state, our medical system is infected with numerous, well-moneyed diseases. Pharmaceutical companies—one of the biggest lobbying groups in Washington— have driven the price of prescriptions so high that Americans are going to Canada or Mexico—two socialist countries—to obtain their medicine. US doctors, under mounting pressure to pay malpractice insurance and keep hospitals in the black, have fasttracked patients, mistaking them for customers and violating the sanctity of the Hippocratic Oath. Half of all US bankruptcies are wholly or partially due to medical expenses, but what the United States is best known for is our superb elective surgery practice, which has become a highly lucrative, non-medical industry that attracts millions of patients a year to go under the knife to modify their physical appearance. The cost of medical insurance premiums has multiplied in the last decade, driving many Americans to drop part or all of their medical coverage, which only amount to endless waits for generally superficial care, anyway. It’s true; our country ranks relatively low as far as average health care goes—the mentally ill and veterans sleep in the streets and teenagers get abortions in the alleys. Plainly put, our entire healthcare paradigm is profit-driven rather than need based,
Illustration
BRYAN WALTON
and no amount of façade revitalization can mask the fact that this system leaves the majority of our country disenfranchised and unprotected. Obama originally outlined a public medical insurance option for people not receiving medical benefits through their employers, taxing families making more than $350,000 by 5% would pay for the plan. This overly progressive plan would make a Soviet missile launch prematurely. What he’s compromising for now is legislation that would require all US citizens to have medical insurance—like car insurance in CA—and a system that basically extends Medicaid to the poor. Not only is this proposal not socialist at all, it plays directly into the oligopoly that has driven up medical costs in the first place. It doesn’t restore equity to the medical industry fraught with inefficiencies and privilege, where the sick are reduced to
clients and cost-efficiency. And the cost of this draconian system would only further drive the American credit crisis. Most students on campus have had some experience at the student health center, whether it was for a mandatory alcohol class or for an STD test, and can grasp the notion of universal access to medicine. The functionality of a public health trust, like the one we have on campus, is evident, so how long do we have to wait to see a similar system introduced nationally. When given a chance to raise the standard of living in this country, to heal, to restore potential taxpayers to working condition, Obama has truly failed America. The ails induced by the fetid state of American medicine could potentially be cured by his first revolutionary vision of redistributed wealth, but the depression economy deficit budget will be the bottom line.
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
NEWS SMORGASPORT WILL SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS YES, EVEN THAT ONE ANDY KNEIS
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ou and me have a problem. Yes, you, the jerk reader. If you are reading this right now (you are, don’t pretend like you’re not), then that means your life is not as occupied with the upcoming event Smorgasport as it should be. You messed up. If you are reading this before Friday, September 11th from 8pm to midnight and you are not too excited to even read, then I don’t know what to say. If it is currently the time frame I just mentioned earlier and you aren’t enjoying free games and shit in the Student Union in a fun, safe environment, then you can go straight to hell. Also, ASI info night is right before Smergespert! On the Union Southwest Terrace! Info and terraces aaaghhh. Okay maybe I wasn’t fair with all that name-calling. Maybe you are a baby freshman or just a dumb person and you don’t know what kind of fun you can enjoy when there’s free sports all up in your face. The best kind of fun. Example: throw a big bowling ball down a shiny floor and hit some pins. Try to knock them over, ha ha, it’s not easy to do. Actually most of the sports are just about hitting different types of sports balls with things but that’s what fun is all about. And
JAMES KISLINGBURY this fun has the price of free. This is my first time promoting something, I hope you enjoy it. Let me just put a scenario out there. You took my advice and are having fun at Smorasgort, but uh-oh, what happens? You have to use the bathroom. The fun stops, right? WRONG! You’re wrong, it doesn’t stop. Take a little trip into the bathroom and you’ll see that our University has not only provided you with free fun sports, but also with fun chalk and chalkboards for your convenience in every stall. These are also available year-round for
your writing enjoyment. Write your favorite quote or brain teaser! Let your colleagues enjoy your writing until someone erases it. Alright that’s about it. A successful promotion! You want to go. Smorgasport: learn about athletics in Parking Lot 3, the Goldmine Gym and the USU.
Illustration
MONA KOZLOWSKI
STATE OF THE BEACH YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF JOHN YANG This week is Week of Welcome for freshman, for everyone else it means jugglers, relentless church groups and the tall boat...from the boat club.
mean new “No Parking” signs. Right on the edge of Whaley Park, coppers have been ticketing chumps everyday. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
ASI Arts Commission Meeting is this Thursday, September 10, 11am12pm at the USU Senate Chambers. Expect cupcakes. Crumbs Cupcakes.
Now that we have bike lanes for the increasing number of bikers on campus, all we need are lights, and more crosswalks on Atherton for it to not be such a shitty street.
Did you notice our fancy new shuttles? That’s because the contract with the old company expired and we have a new one. With Fancy New Shuttles. New bike lanes on Atherton Street UNION WEEKLY
WORLD’S A MESS
USU is having a screening of NBC’s Community, Wednesday September 9th at 7pm and the tickets are at USU Program Council office. Expect lots of free swag as usual.
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
Brian Eno will have an opening reception at the UAM this Saturday September 12, 6-8pm with a Performance by Madeline Puckette, from 6:30-8pm. Pluckette is a singer, song writer and producer of electro/indie-pop and the lecture is Sun, September 20, at 7pm. If you’re looking for a fun volunteer opportunity you can try the Conversation Lab at the Horn Center where you aid foreign exchange students with English. Or the International Student Association and be a part of the buddy program for exchange students.
In Soviet Russia He Who Controls the Past Controls You Last week was the 70th Anniversary of the invasion of Poland by German forces and the start of the second world war. Russia’s president Dmitry Medvedev, never one to miss an opportunity to look like a villain from a John Milius movie, made a claim that Joseph “Uncle Joe” Stalin had nothing to do with the start of WWII. While we’re certainly thankful to Stalin for throwing millions and millions of undertrained, under armed peasants at the Nazi menace, we also recognize that he was a complete heel. Besides killing twenty-million of his own people via starvation, work camps, or executions in his spare time, he also secretly signed a non-aggression pact with Hitler that would allow the two of them to dissect Poland and absorb a handful of other nations without harassment from the other. Considering Russia’s history of mysteriously executing journalists who report on the government, crime, and big business (which are basically one and the same in the Big Freezy, as the locals call it), it’s pretty disconcerting for an elected official to unapologetically deny the nature of reality. Also, even if Mr. Medvedev is correct about “saving Europe,” the USSR also didn’t spend a lot of time after the war debating whether or not they should crush half of it under their boot heel for fifty years.
MERCENARY HOOOOOUSE!!! Last week an independent watchdog group exposed private contractors working for a company called Armor Corp for hazing employees and other activities that one might describes as “lascivious.” But don’t just take the watchdog’s word for it, there’s a bunch of photos of these jerks. One is of a Mr. Clean looking guard wearing nothing but a lei and half-of a coconut pounding away at a mysterious red cup that probably isn’t full of buttermilk, and guards eating potato chips out of each others’ asscracks (there has also been accusations of doing shots out of said asscracks). Oh, and also there was something about procuring hookers. When you compare the stupid, confusingly homoerotic antics of the Frat Boys of Mercenary House to other private military corporations like Xe (formerly known as Blackwater International formerly known as SPECTRE) which has been accused of multiple counts of murder by the Iraqi government and sports connections to various right-wing and Christian supremacists organizations, the embassy guards’ actions seem, well tame.
SPORTS
SYCAMORE? MORE LIKE STINKAMORE
CSULB GIRLS VOLLEYBALL CLOBBERS SYCAMORE 3 TO 0, HENCE THE HEADLINE KEVIN O’BRIEN Photos
MAY ZIMMERMAN
Naomi Washington (left, fucking epic) moments before committing athletic homicide. Ashley Lee (top, #12) sets up the spike. Brittney Herzog (bottom, #23) taps it over the net for an easy point.
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s I walked through the entrance of the pyramid, the sound of college brass greeted me. Below, the girls strode out and onto the court in black and white. Even from a great distance their height was immediately recognizable. With their arrival, names were announced in succession: “Minkel, Osunbor, Neely, Herzog, Washington, Lee.” The girls gathered for a brief moment before taking their positions, knees bent, backs straight, facing the opposing Sycamore players. With the buzzer, the initial volley is launched, only to be returned for the first point effortlessly by player #12, Lee, who’s actions are followed by a quick huddle
and sporadic high fives. Minutes into the game, points had been scored on both sides, at 6 to 6, a glint of sweat was visible on Long Beach foreheads, however furrowed brows were not. With a constant confidence the action picked up, the girls begin to move the ball again with fist, then palm and finally with a smash. Five short minutes later the girls lead by a factor of two, 12 to 6. It was at that moment the Long Beach girls began to leave their opponents behind without a second look back, 12 points later the crowd stood on their feet, 24 to 10. The final point of the first set was upon the Syca-
more players, conversation was drowned out by a prolonged “Go Beach” to be punctuated by the impending serve. The Long Beach player stood back, she operated with surgical precision, sending the ball only centimeters above the net and placing it at the feet of the opposition. The crowd approved of her finish with an appropriate roar. Indicative of our University, the crowd was diverse, pale four year olds ran amok in the stands next to a young African American man fiddled with the long green spike in his earlobes, a couple spoke in Spanish above me. After a short break and a needed stretch, the band played announcing the second set, the teams returned to the court, now on opposite sides of the net. The players faces were visible, intent and aware. The ball was corralled through the air, backs were bent,
dives were made, finished with summersaults, vicariously my shoulder ached. The ball moved in great arcs from one side of the court to another, but it always moved forward, towards the opposition. Suspense is the only word that can accurately describe the experience of watching volleyball. And while the crowd was always on the very edge of their seats, the Long Beach girls kept their cool while fighting to the floor, to the net, and ultimately towards another consecutive victory in the second period of the game. Our girls were more taught, more focused and more natural. The third period was a forgone conclusion. The set ended 22 to 14, Long Beach in the lead. The stands may have been far from filled but the air wasn’t, the girls left to an ovation.
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
ENTERTAINMENT
EXTRACT
LOSING YOUR NUTS IN AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT IS ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS FUN THAN THIS FLICK NEIL CORBIN
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ike Judge seems to be stuck in the middle. The creator of Beavis and Butt-head, Office Space and the little seen, somewhat maligned Idiocracy, has always seemingly had lofty ambitions for his comedies. While they are generally films or shows about stupid people, they are never stupidly written, combining a sly wit with a biting social commentary, giving us something that makes us laugh and think at the same time, much like modern day Jonathon Swift. With Extract though, Judge seems to be afraid of such elevated goals, making a middleof-the-road, mediocre comedy to end the summer with. Not that there aren’t any laughs, there are quite few of them, but they seem to come far and few between in the film’s ninety minutes. The story is this: Joel, played by Jason Bateman, wants to sell his extract company and have a guilt free affair and sets out to
try to do both. That is the problem with the film, it doesn’t really know which way it wants to go. Billed as “The Creator of Office Space goes back to work”, yet much of the film is dealing with Joel’s problems with his wife. The film is about relationships, but it cannot decide which one it wants to cover most, the work relationships or husband/ wife relationships. The cast is game though: J.K. Simmons is hilarious and steals every scene he is in as Joel’s partner. Mila Kunis is somewhat believable as a grifter, and Kristin Wiig is funny as Joel’s wife, despite the fact that she isn’t given much to do. Dustin Milligan is quite humorous as an idiotic gigolo, and even the usually intolerable Ben Affleck is pretty funny as Joel’s pal. The problem here is the Joel character. Bateman tries hard, but Joel still comes off as a dullard and really doesn’t have a lot of likeable qualities. We never see what his wife ever saw in him, nor his friends or co-
workers. All we see is a guy who works a lot, complains a lot, and wants to have everything in life without any of the guilt. Where the film works best is in the extract factory. The banter is hilarious and the interaction between the employees and management is funny and sad all at the same time. Here is where the film shines and is at its best both comically and aesthetically. The mix of humor crossed with the employees fear of being laid off makes up the most memorable sequences in the film. The difficulty arises when Judge goes for cheap laughs; wife not putting out, the annoying neighbor who never stops talking, crazy TV lawyers, a semi-psychotic drug dealer, and a testicle joke that gets so old that it could have died twice. Most of these jokes you might make you chuckle a bit, but they keep hammering them at you so often you begin to wince. Then there is the problem with the ending of the film, as it makes Joel look like
a weasel and ends somewhat abruptly, as if they realized they had almost hit the ninetyminute mark and it was time to stop. The film is tehnically competent and well casted on many levels, but its biggest failure is in the writing. One cannot help but wonder if Fox Studios’ near burial of Judge’s last film, Idiocracy, influenced any of this. While not a perfect movie, Idiocracy contains far more laughs and biting social commentary than Extract could ever hope for. Judge this time has aimed his sights much lower and has hit mediocrity. I expect a lot from someone who has made me laugh so many times over the years, not this plodding, colorless comedy.
2.5 out of 5 exclamations!
SORORITY ROW THIS SORORITY BLOWS MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN Waiting for horror movies is one of the most nerve-wracking and foolish things a movie fan can possibly do. Unlike any other genre, horror can produce genuinely loveable films even when the films fail. However for every honestly brilliant scary movie, or gorgeously laughably bad cult film (I’m lookin’ at you Jason Takes Manhattan) there are middle of the road, throw-away bummers. So even though I had a feeling Sorority Row might end up being a fun flick, I also had a real fear that it was just going to be a trite studio throw-away. Always trust your instincts. How bad is Sorority Row? It’s not even laughably bad, it is awe inspiringly painfully bad. A Sistine Chapel built for the gods of mediocrity. The film centers around four (Four? Five? Who the fuck knows?) interchangeable sorority sisters playing a prank on an equally faceless dude. When the prank gets too complicated for the girls, the target of their prank accidentally kills the girls’ sister. All of this is detailed in the trailer, the sad part is that this UNION WEEKLY
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first act of the film is in fact fifteen to twenty minutes long and no new information is added. So how do the filmmakers fill the time? The same way they pad the rest of this snooze fest, teen partying and real-time sequences of people just walking around. Anyway, eight months later these underdeveloped sorority girls are graduating college and throwing a wicked rager to celebrate, unfortunately a killer dressed in a graduation cap and gown is on the loose, and he is letting our ladies know that he “knows what they did last summer” by providing them with items left at the gruesome murder scene. In between kills we get frat kids drinking and dancing in a foam wonderland straight out of the year 2001. The clever writers throw in a handful of misguided red herrings, in which all sorts of ancillary characters enter and try to pretend to maybe be the killer. Within ten minutes it becomes clear that the movie is a dud, within thirty it becomes a truly horrifying experience. Scenes are added simply for
the sake of lengthening this suck-fest, and in one show of sheer disregard for the well being of the audience the geniuses behind this film decide to show a static close-up of exposed bone prosthesis for a good five long minutes. Sorority Row is another in a long and storied line of Hollywood toss away flicks, movies green lit and rushed into theatres because even with all the bad word of mouth in the world, these films always draw well on opening weekend. Sorority Row might not be
alone in its offensiveness, but during the film I got the feeling that even for a movie that was meant to be garbage,the brain-trust behind this movie was phoning it in. This goes without saying, but don’t support this movie, spend your money on ANYTHING else.
0 out of 5 exclamations!
ENTERTAINMENT
Remember, it’s the 1960s
A LESS EFFULGENT MEDITATION ON MAD MEN
ALLEGRA RINGO
I
dislike Mad Men for many reasons, but the overarching theme of my dislike is that the show refuses to let its defining characteristics speak for themselves. Instead, it constantly reminds us that it takes place in the 1960s and how it delves into the pervasive sexism of the time. Mad Men is a drama about a Madison Avenue advertising agency in the 1960s and it won’t let us forget this, not for one second. Eight episodes into the first season, the show is still needlessly reestablishing things that are already well established—namely, that things in the 1960s are different from today, like constant drinking and overt sexism. The ad men’s daily lives involve both of these things, as well as constantly pointing out that they’re doing so. Some argue that this is the show’s attempt to accurately portray the time period. I don’t doubt that, but I what I do doubt is that these men would constantly talk about what they’re doing, seemingly aware of every unique facet of the time and its inevitable differences from today. If the alcohol truly is a facet of daily
life, it is ridiculous for the characters to have exchanges that point out just how often they drink booze. For these people, it isn’t the ’60s, it’s just their life. When we wash dishes or drive a car or do one of the many things that fade into the background of our lives, we don’t have conversations acknowledging them, because they’re ordinary. If Mad Men wants to establish what the world of the 1960s is like, it should let the visuals speak for themselves. Verbal acknowledgement of the show’s environment gives the opposite impression, and makes the show feel like some sort of homage to Sid Davis. Moreover, the characters’ semi-selfawareness is not only irritating, but baffling. Are these characters supposed to actually live in the 1960s, or are they just transplanted from present to 1960 for the purpose of seeing that time through the lens of today? All signs on the show point to the former, but the characters’ painful awareness of the dated-ness of their surroundings makes no sense given the style of the show. If this is
the show giving a little wink at the audience, it both doesn’t come through and is incredibly annoying. This makes the show feel not like a glimpse into the past, but some sort of Pleasantville situation that renders characters hyperaware of their environment. Even the characters in Pleasantville eventually stopped talking about their surroundings and moved on. One of Mad Men’s central themes is sexism in the 1960s—an admirable theme, and one near and dear to my feminist heart. The show does hit on some sexist moments that really illicit the cringe they’re supposed to.
There’s a scene when Draper invites Sterling over for dinner at the last minute. Draper ignores his wife Betty’s concerns that there isn’t enough food, and at dinner, we see that Betty has given her portion of steak to Sterling, settling instead for a pathetic-looking salad. This scene showcases sexism in an interesting way by applying it to a specific scenario in which the woman’s needs take a backseat to those of the men, who are clearly regarded as more important by this society. It’s a great scene: we see Betty’s salad and the men’s steak and we immediately understand. Unfortunately, these subtle scenes are rare, overshadowed by scene after heavyhanded scene of sexism being verbalized in a way reminiscent of the on-the-nose dialogue of Crash. Mad man Kinsey asks coworker Campbell, “Do [women] ever stop asking for things?” Again, sexist comments like this were likely commonplace in the 1960s, but this dialogue means something different today. Today, anyone who has ever stepped outside is familiar with the stereotype of the “naggy, high-maintenance woman.” It’s far from obscure or antique. Dialogue like Kinsey’s is a cliché, a well known one, and comes off as lazy. It’s like having a character who’s a comedian say “Those clowns in Congress, am I right?” Yes, it’s believable that someone might actually say this, but it’s a line that has evolved over the years into a cliché, and because of this it doesn’t come off as anything more powerful or significant than that. Mad Men has a lot of potential, but constantly does away with this by assuming that viewers must be reminded, every episode, that the show takes place in the the 1960s. More disappointing, though, is the cartoonishly obvious dialogue that makes for a glib portrayal of the sexism of the era. To be fair, though, in 1960, subtext hadn’t been invented yet.
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the 1930s
the 60s
Why being broke, unemployed, and ignored is a creative opportunity
worst of times. best of music.
musical movement : singer-songwriter
musical movement : delta blues
BY RACHEL RUFRANO
From left to right: Bob Dylan, Simon & Garfunkel, Joni Mitchell
Although artists like Bob Dylan were not technically the first singer-songwriters, it was the first time songwriting took a confessional and introspective approach. The beginning of the movement had its roots in the folk revival which makes a lot of sense—what better way to put lyrics at the forefront than with something more acoustic? Artists finally had a venue and a medium to discuss social ideals, humanitarian beliefs, and protest the government in a clever enough way that it brought the youth together without making anyone in power angry enough to effectively denounce it.
From left to right: Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Leadbelly
The Great Depression certainly wasn’t the beginning of the blues for the African American community, but it created an opportunity for their music to be heard. Not only because white Americans didn’t find repressing black music as high a priority during the Depression, but because they could actually relate to it. Although black musicians found commercial success with Jazz Orchestra, the Delta Blues was inspired entirely from spirituals, work songs, and field hollers. The blues didn’t compromise itself for anybody which, obviously, has proven to be much more appreciated by listeners. Some musicians spend a lifetime trying to capture the authenticity and passion of the Delta Blues, but very few succeed.
It’s 2009, the end of a decade, the second part of which we’ve spent slipping into one of the worst economic situations we’ve ever been alive to experience. There is, however, one thing we can be optimistic about: Music. That’s not to say that this is a cause-and-effect situation. No, it’s very possible that we’ll get through this recession without a musical movement of any kind, but in all our youthful naiveté and angst, should we ever find a time for optimism, this would be it. Economically and socially, history has proven to repeat itself, and it’s only fair that we assume the same of the music revolutions they inspire. It’s about rebelling, refusing to lay down, and having your voice heard cleverly enough that politicians aren’t grounded enough to understand, but that the working class can really wrap its mind around, putting the power back into hands of the people. We have a lot to say and “Waiting on the World to Change” isn’t it. And I don’t know how much longer we can wait.
MUSIC
THE GREAT DEPRESSION
the vietnam war
stagflation
s&L Crisis recession
hyper-inflation recession
early 90s early 80s mid-late 70s
musical movement : grunge
musical movement : hip-hop
musical movement : punk
From left to right: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden
Seattle grunge artists were highly influenced by hardcore punk and, for this reason, were uncomfortable with the fame and success that the grunge scene acquired. But they didn’t receive notoriety because their listeners knew it would piss them off—clearly Generation X-ers felt the same isolation and cynicism about their future as the grunge artists themselves. With the advent of video games, the personal computer, and the Internet came a dissatisfaction with the rapid loss of community. Ironically, the media caught on and spun the movement as a marketing tool, and we’ve yet to escape the self-importance grunge tried to evade.
From left to right: Afrika Bambaataa, Grandmaster Flash, The Sugarhill Gang
Along the same vein as Rent Parties in the twenties, hip hop emerged in the Bronx as a sort of escape from the troubles of an economic crisis. Even though most hip hop artists were the children of those who were active in the Civil Rights Movement, discrimination and racism were still impacting African American job opportunities, which is why the genre emerged so successfully in the early 80s. By drawing inspiration and sampling from funk and soul roots, hip hop developed as a foundation to voice the political and social concerns of the black community with a kind of creativity and musical control that hadn’t been heard before.
From left to right: The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, The Clash
Defining punk isn’t exactly an easy thing to do, in fact, there are only so many people who can actually get away with doing just that—which is exactly what the genre aims to achieve.The British and American government were attempting to turn the masses into white collar conservatives, and doing so successfully. Unfortunately, for anyone in the lower middle-class, conformity was hardly an option. Raised to believe that those from the “wrong side of the tracks” had a slim chance of landing a good career, musicians like John Lydon found a career in rebelling. They rebelled against disco, against conformity, and more importantly, against complacency.
LITERATURE THE GREAT AMERICAN ARTICLE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MATT DUPREE DOESN’T WRITE THE ARTICLE HE SAID HE WOULD: ANDY DOESN’T EITHER ANDY KNEIS
C
Illustration
VICTOR CAMBA
OLLEGE. BOOKS. AMERICA. I’d imagine these things are a pretty big part of your life, if not you probably wouldn’t be reading this, but what do I know? Hoorah. I would guess in your college life you probably hear the term “The Great American Novel” being thrown around by professors or maybe someone chanted it when you were doing a keg stand? Maybe not. There’s a lot of questions surrounding The Great America Novel: has it already been written? What would it be about? And the question I’m supposed to be writing about I guess: who would read it? Is anything real? Is life only a dream? Oh well, this is my introduction, deal with it. Of course, people already say the Great American Novel has already been written. I believe that the Great American Novel would have to be loved by all of America to truly be called that. Some say The Great Gatsby is the G.A.N. (nickname), but even though they tried to trick me by putting “Great” in the title, it’s not even close. The Great Gatsby is almost exclusively enjoyed by people wearing suspenders. Maybe some Mark Twain novel? Nope. News Flash: that’s not even the guy’s real name, he’s an imposter so how do you
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know anything he’s saying is even true? If you think about it, my popular or critically acclaimed book is only going to appeal to certain audiences. Not all of America! Check out that opinion. Hoorah. All this correct grammar and talking about “novels” is making me feel weird. Time to balance it out. im stinkey. That’s better. Microsoft Word underlines that sentence a whole bunch of times. Don’t worry though, it is possible to write something that all America loves. It’ll probably have to be adapted into a movie for them to realize it though. That’s not meant to be a jab at America or anything though. Die Hard isn’t a book. You can’t show a building explode as Die Hard jumps off of it in a book. All you have to know is what Americans like to make the G.A. Novel. I know. Hoorah. Okay so the novel starts with a cool bald eagle hitting a huge home run with an ear-splitting crack. The audience seriously flips out. Die Hard suddenly awakes from this dream with a sly grin on his face. “Looks like I picked the wrong day to retire, darn it,” he says as he smashes a damn egg! (Revise?) He hops in his hybrid pickup truck and punts an apple pie over the majestic Rocky Mountains. Everyone
goes nuts! You’re going nuts. You. The reader. You don’t realize that little to no effort was put into this Great American Novel. I’m falling apart ughhh. im stinkey. Okay let’s try this again. A baby is born in America. The baby winks at the camera, it’s so cute. The mom says “here we go again!” A huge dang title slams on the screen and it’s metal or something! It reads: “Baby Geniuses Three: Big City Baby.” Seriously adorable. THE END.
CULTURE ! B A
Mike’s Ideal Palate California Cuisine: an interview with Chef Gabe Gordon of Beachwood BBQ
Chez Che
MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN
This week, I sat down with Gabe Gordon, executive chef and co-owner, along with his wife, of Seal Beach’s Beachwood Barbeque. At Beachwood BBQ, Chef Gordon creates upscale takes on Southern classics. This eatery has gained fame with beer nuts across the state for Gabe’s devotion to rare imported and craft beer expertly paired with favorites like smothered steak fries and mini lamb corn dogs. Chef Gordon talks about everything from his beginnings as a chef to his perfect final meal. Union Weekly: How’d you get your start in cooking? Gabe Gordon: My best friends father was a—is a pretty famous chef. He had a really rad job, like when I knew him he was already famous so I didn’t have to see him pay his dues. So by the time I started hanging out with my buddy, his dad was traveling the world teaching cooking classes, writing cook books, cooking on cruise ships where he would do one dinner one night and then spend three weeks traveling around the Caribbean. UW: That’s the dream man. GG: Yeah, it was awesome, it just seemed on the outside like a great life, and whenever he talked about it he was all ways extremely positive. He would always say “Yeah, I love my job” and “It’s a great job, I love what I do.” What he didn’t warn me about was the odds of me getting to do what he got to do were slim to none. UW: Where did you start getting into soul food? GG: There were two chefs that I worked under coming up that were from the South, and all of our staff meals were southern, and I just dug that style of cooking. The second part to that answer is that growing up in Northern California and Sonoma County it was all about California cuisine, and I worked around chefs that more or less invented that cuisine. Its like a French chef cooking French food, you cook what you know. But as I started looking into it I realized it was a young food. So I started looking for what is American food. It can’t just be burgers and burgers. California Cooking is only about 20 years old. You have John Ash and Alice Waters, and by the time I became a chef it had become so bastardized that California cuisine became anything you stick an avocado and a sun-dried tomato in, and to this day I despise sun-dried tomatoes. Everything we have we’ve made our own but its all bastardized European food, but if you ask someone what we make that people have never tasted before, it’s soul food. UW: Finally Death Row, your last meal and your last beer? GG: Man, I would say it would have to be...can it be one meal or one dish? UW: It can be anything. GG: It would have to be a Foie Gras dish that just opened my world. UW: Me too. GG: From then on, I totally got why people spent ridiculous amounts of money on food. It was really expensive to make this stuff, and you eat it and it’s just like “Yeah, that’s what food should be.” UW: Last Beer? GG: I’m thinking it would be a toss up between either like either a vintage Cantillon Fou’ Foune or a Drie Fonteinen homage, it would be one of those two. But it would be sour. I feel like that’s a good way to go out. Sour beer then your toast. Maybe sour beer and toast, put some Foie Gras on it. Perfect. Read the entire interview with Chef Gordon complete with mouth-watering photos on our website at www.lbunion.com.
pp etit
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On the menu: Tangerine Chicken and Curry Carrot Couscous* What you need:
CHELSEA ROSENTHAL
Y
ou’re broke, I know. You’ve called the Financial Aid office at least three times this week to find out when exactly your goddamn loan will be disbursed. You’re perpetually fighting Chase’s overdraft fees. But this doesn’t mean you can’t afford to eat well. Tonight, I made tangerine chicken over curried carrot couscous topped with fresh scallions. It only cost $15 to feed four friends and make two grown men say they were in love with me. It’s not as intimidating to make as it sounds—even for those of you who have to carefully read Rice-A-Roni directions aloud...several times. So next time your stomach’s grumbling, bypass the Carl’s Jr. and try my recipe. It’s healthier, cheaper, and if you are a guy, I promise it will get you laid. Bon appetit!
Olive Oil 4 Chicken Breasts Salt N’ Peppa 6 Tangerines 2 Tablespoons Brown Sugar 1 Teaspoon Cinnamon 1 Teaspoon Paprika 2 Cups Chicken Broth 1 Cup Shredded Carrots 1 Cup Shredded Scallions 1 Tablespoon Curry Powder 1 1/2 Cups Couscous One Criticizing Bitch (Alex Fridrich)
What to do:
PHOTOS BY CHELSEA ROSENTHAL
Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat with one turn of the pan of olive oil, about 1 tbsp. Season the chicken with salt and pepper and cook in the hot pan until brown on both sides for about twelve minutes. Remove the chicken to a plate and cover with foil to keep warm.
Add tangerine juice and zest, brown sugar, cinnamon, paprika and 1/2 cup chicken stock to the skillet and simmer until syrupy, for about 5 minutes. While the sauce cooks, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil in a saucepan over medium heat and sauté the carrots and scallions for three minutes.
Add the remaining 1 1/2 cups broth, bring to a boil, then stir in the curry and couscous. Cover the pot and turn the heat off. Let the couscous stand for five minutes, then fluff with a fork.
To serve, slice the chicken breasts on the bias and fan them out on a bed of couscous. Drizzle the tangerine sauce over everything. Top with fresh scallions and two single men who will want to marry you.
*VISIT LBUNION.COM FOR THE APPETIZING COLOR PHOTOS
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
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CREATIVE ARTS
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
Art
JAVIER BELTRAN
COMICS Crayon Box by David Faulk
Drunken Penguin Comics by James Kislingbury
Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake
www.faulkzilla.com
penguin.incarnate@gmail.com
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
Across 1- Change for a five 5- Clock face 9- First name in country 13- Track event 14- Division of a long poem 15- Epic narrative poem 16- Novelist Waugh 17- Diciembre follower 18- Dynamic beginning 19- Closer 21- Microwave 22- Unhearing 23- Chow 25- Bristle 27- Three points scored by one player 31- Saw for cutting wood with the grain 35- French 101 verb 36- Disgusting 38- Hiding place 39- Battery size 40- Country bumpkin 42- Greek X 43- Dress with care 46- Salver 47- Minerals 48- Farm storage 50- Without sin 52- American space
agency 54- Short tail 55- Heroic adventure tale 58- Pouch 60- Rubbed out 64- Came down to earth 65- Writer Jong 67- Strong wind 68- Bog 69- Out 70- Lubricates 71- “___ Rider” starred Clint Eastwood 72- “Orinoco Flow” singer 73- Minn. neighbor
20- Decoration at the top of a chair leg 24- Go swiftly 26- ___ the season... 27- Piles 28- Pong maker 29- Track 30- Large Nepalese knife 32- ___ bleu! 33- Gray 34- Card game 37- Inclines 41- Sharp-sighted 44- Plant-eating aquatic mammal 45- Links org. 47- Polygon having eight sides Down 49- Ancient Palestin1- Arabian sultanate ian 2- Egypt’s river 51- Belonging to us 3- Zeno’s home 53- Brother of Moses 4- Give off 55- Coarsely ground 5- Rockers Steely ___ corn 6- Don Juan’s mother 56- Inter ___ 7- Gillette razors 57- Female child 8- Inchworm 59- Large town 9- Adjust again 61- Aforementioned 10- Blunted blade 62- First name in scat 11- Aboriginal rite 63- Writing table site 66- The Company 12- Beginning 14- Confirm
Fer-low? Oh.
e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
ANSWERS
You’re STUCK Here by Victor! Perfecto
UNION WEEKLY
9 SEPTEMBER 2009
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Shamma Jamz! Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“Please don’t leave me alone with you.”
Volume 65 Issue 2
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Public Water Fountains Plagued by Serial Tea Bagger
LBUNION.COM
Trip to Kitchen Reveals Area Man’s Love for Bologna BY BOSSY BOOTS
Police sketches of The Ball Bather. Left: suspect based on eye witnesses near LA-3. Top: Suspect in 10 to 15 years, maybe 20? Bottom: Suspect as 19th Century Scottish golf enthusiast.
BY SEXUAL RANDY LONG BEACH, CA – This morning at 6:32am in the morning, University Police received a phone call reporting a tea bagging in progress at the drinking fountain near the LA-3 building. What follows is the transcript of that call in full: Caller: [female] Oh my fuck! Operator: Ma’am, calm down. What’s happening? Caller: He’s [static] rubbing [static] –eet Jesus, the hair [incoherent] balls [ambient tones] water [static] –inda hot [static]
Operator: Ma’am, are you okay? Ma’am! Ma’am. Ma’am? [call lost] The perpetrator of the fiendish act, who this local media outlet has called dibs on naming “The Ball Bather” is still at large. The authorities are stressing time as a factor, and have offered a substantial award of $14.11 (pooled together from one officer’s loose pocket change and funds earned from returning an $80 Norton Anthology of English Literature textbook to the campus bookstore) for information leading to the capture of The Ball Bather.
Forensics teams have been working around the clock at the LA-3 crime scene, but investigators are still scrambling, as at least four other locations on campus have been hit by whom officials are now referring to as a serial tea bagger. “I can’t divulge too much information at this time about the, what do you—no, I’m not calling him that,” says Detective Rob O’Kopski. “We’ve obtained one testicle print from [The Ball Bather], and one partial, which was obscured due to massive amounts of pubic hair.” O’Kopski stresses that pubic hair was not physically present at the scene, and that the destruction of the full testiprint was because of hair brushing behind the path of the testicle in question. However, they are not ruling out finding DNA evidence elsewhere. “Who knows with balls,” says O’Kopski. “We could find skin particles just about anywhere. The guy may have a high dandruff index. Have you ever seen Gattaca?” But inside sources within the University Police department say that the probability of capturing The Ball Bather via DNA evidence is “very unlikely,” due to the mass amount of people that actually took drinks from the fountains after they were tea bagged.
Belmont Shore – When Joe Stump, 22, began dating Heather Cole, 21, back in November 2007, his friends were not initially happy with the decision. Cole, a strict vegan, “freaking ruined” several barbecues put on by Stump’s close circle of friends, who are all living in Huntington Beach. “I’m not sure why the found 400 kilos of pure, uncut bologna guys didn’t like her at first. Investigators meat. “Easily worth $5-8 dollars in value,” said some cop. I mean, she talks a lot, but she always tells me it’s important this really made me think. Salami’s stuff and I should care. She cares, different than this. It just is.” I care, ya know?” said the foulThe discovery of the lunch breathed Stump. “meat-food,” which also allegedly When asked, Stump’s “bro” contained pimentos, prompted Casey Harrelson, 23, recalls his Stump’s entire immediate circle of first introduction to Cole, “I was friends and family to take immediall, ‘Not even cheese?’ And she ate action. said, ‘No thanks.’ It was crazy. I Mrs. Loretta Stump, Joe’s didn’t get it. I didn’t have anything mother stated in a press conferto talk about with her.” ence held at Trader Joe’s Monday But at approximately 2:20pm morning, “This will be a hard LaSaturday afternoon Cole, Harrel- bor Day now that we know what son, and the rest of Stump’s friends, we do about Joe’s…tendencies. were finally given an excuse to We’ll be keeping an eye on him come together over something im- at the picnic. But we have to look portant: packed meat. for the silver lining. Miss Cole has Cole recalled, “I was looking been a big help to our family. Defor my Tofurkey, because flesh just spite her constant suggestions to really disturbs me, and I found bo- vegan alternatives, she was after logna. I mean, I knew he ate meat, all the one who jump-started Joe’s but really? I was fine with that. But journey to recovery.”
INSIDE
Light Switch Enthusiast Misdiagnosed with OCD
Light switch collector Matt Derkin was falsely diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder after a recent trip to the psychiatrist. “When I told him my daily routine of turning light switches on and off a whole boatload of times he nearly shot through the roof! Yowza!” said Derkin. No word on the psychiatrist’s reaction to Derkin’s accumulation of door locks PAGE 2E and hand soaps.
Area Reporter Fills Story Quota
Local handsome journalist Jeffrey Bridges masterfully completed his story quota before his deadline arrived. “Indubitably,” said Bridges as he drank a glass of expensive wine. “I was cutting it close, but I made it, and I got tons of money,” added Bridges attractively. Seriously, just a really cool guy all around. I’m the editor, I wrote this. [Editor’s note: nope.] PAGE 9I
China Finally Gets Around to Finishing The Crying Game PAGE T9
Illegal Alien Dreams of Becoming Star in Hollywood PAGE A3