ISSUE 65.06 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
CLAY COOPER
Managing Editor
joeb.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com clay.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON
simone.union@gmail.com
KEVIN O’BRIEN
kevinob.union@gmail.com
Opinions Editor News Director
ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
cfab.union@gmail.com
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER Art Director
CLAY COOPER Cover
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
JOE BRYANT
rachel.union@gmail.com
kathym.union@gmail.com
SOPHISTICATED BEAR
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
jamesk.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA Grunion Editor
GAY HATERS & HEART BREAKERS
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
victorpc.union@gmail.com
Culture Editor
JOE VERSUS
andyk.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
W
hen I was first approached by Caitlin Cutt about this week’s feature, she pitched it to me as the Big Gay Issue. You see, this Sunday is International Coming Out Day, so all campus publications are printing the Outlist—a compilation of students, faculty and staff willing to put, in print, that they are homosexuals (or supporters of homosexuals). It’s a pretty big statement, and Caitlin argued that since Long Beach has such a strong gay community, we should make an issue that focused on LGBT individuals. I urge you to read Caitlin’s article, “Re-
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, ERIN HICKEY, ALAN PASSMAN, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, CHRISTINE NOH, BRIAN NEWHARD, KEN CHO, JASMINE GAGMIER, DAVID FAULK, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JOHN YANG, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, ELISE McCUTCHEN, MONA KOZLOWSKI, NEIL CORBIN, KATRINA GUEVARA, ALEX HATTICK, KELVIN HO, BRYAN WALTON, PARKER CHALMERS, JAMIE KARSON, STEVEN GARCIA, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, AARON KOSAKA, ALLISON COLTON, ELISA TANAKA
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
covering America,” on page 6. Not only is she a great writer, but she’s a pretty smart lady, so I’d listen to her if I were you. I grew up in the suburban sprawl of Orange County, where gay was a dirty word—something to call your friends when they were being assholes. Hell, I didn’t even find out my older cousin was gay until he offed himself. Everyone in the family knew, but they kept it secret from those of us that were younger. Out of what? Shame? Fear? Fuck if I know. I’m lucky to live in a city and go to a school where something like the Outlist being published is possible (without a mob of angry ingrates using it as a checklist). All of us are. Some people aren’t and that’s a damn shame. On a lighter note, here’s a letter I asked a staffer to write to fill up space:
Listen you child, I find your publication to be unprofessional. Your staffers are a poor excuse for journalists who write biased articles. Clearly, you subscribe to a certain belief that all students here are pitifully trendy monsters that will passively giggle over your poorly crafted witticisms riddled with curse words and grammatical errors. Not so sincerely, Anonymous Dear Anonymous, ’Kay. Ask Away!
Who better to get advice from/complain to than some guy you don’t know? Send all emails to: joeb.union@gmail.com
ELISE McCUTCHEN & ALEX HATTICK MOON EDITORS
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 The moon in your twelfth house suggests that you’ve been ignoring a certain Scorpio lately. Cut it out, or she’s gonna get all Captain Ahab to your Moby Dick. SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Your plan to fake swine flu for attention has failed, and now everyone’s avoiding you instead of attending to your every need. Fake a speedy recovery, and make sure to pick a more serious disease next time. SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 Even though Venus in your first house makes this a good month for sweet lovin’, be careful what kind of honey you take home from your local dive bar. Venus can also lead to the kind of itch that you can’t scratch in public. CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 Now that it’s October, it’s time to stop referencing your summer trip to Europe in all of your class discussions. Mitosis has nothing to do with Paris.
AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Is your significant other being a damp rag? A rude, whiney, damp rag? Wring that shit out, girl! And by wring him out, we mean dump him. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 You’ve spent the past two Saturday nights alone, reading craft tutorials online, and the Sun circling Saturn means that this pattern will continue. You may be lonely, but that’s what craft message boards are for! ARIES March 21-April 19 It seems the new lunar cycle has quelled many of your douchebag urges, making it slightly easier to retain relationships with others. In fact, you’re so much more agreeable this month, your mother might even return your phone calls. TAURUS April 20-May 20 You’ve come to realize that the opposite sex is no longer impressed with your smooth, deep voice and mature hairline. Resume your charming ways soon, or their affections will be lost forever.
GEMINI May 21-June 21 You’ve been putting in an extra effort to impress others with your superior musical knowledge through Twitter updates and forced conversations. Unfortunately, we all read those articles on Pitchfork too. CANCER June 22-July 22 So what if you become an old spinster? If wearing high rise granny panties and turning down party invitations to watch the new Tori Spelling flick on Lifetime is what makes you happy, so be it! LEO July 23-Aug 22 People have been comparing your looks to those of a lesbian actress recently, and when Pluto enters your sign this month, you’re going to start agreeing with them. VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 Halloween’s getting closer, Virgo, and a trip to the costume store will be in order soon. Hopefully the selfish and emotionally unavailable asshole outfit isn’t already taken, but if it is, we’re sure you can pull that costume together yourself. UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
OPINIONS MEMOIRS OF A MAN CHILD WHY OKCUPID IS THE WORST DATING SITE EVER PARKER CHALMERS
Y
ou don’t have to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or alive to be somewhat perturbed by the eHarmony or Match.com commercials. Not to mention the countless ads you are forced to see on the side of your Facebook profile: “Are you single?” “Looking for Local Guys?” “Sick of the bar scene?”.Well, yes. Yes I am. I am a single gay man, looking for love, and being the youngest guy at the Silver Fox is starting to get old. I met three of my last four boyfriends in a gay bar and the relationships were about as long and painful as my hangover the next day. As a graduate student, I do not get to cram myself in to the back of a tightly packed lecture hall to make-believe date the hottest guys in the classroom for at least an hour and fifteen minutes. As my friends and people I grew up with get married and have children, both of which I am either not allowed or not physically capable of doing, I am starting to feel the pressure to settle down. In a desperate attempt to rectify said problem, I took advice from a friend and decided to join the dark side and try online dating via the equal opportunity
Illustration
JAMIE KARSON
dating website OkCupid. OkCupid, much like its purely heterosexual counterparts, asks you to make a profile, answer questions, and take tests, promising to match you with your perfect mate. Normally I would have been completely against the idea. However, I share an apartment with one of those success stories that eHarmony always boasts about, only this couple OkCupid gets credit for. My good friends and annoyingly adorable roommates met on the site and have been together ever since. Being a social activist I told myself that if the straights can do it, then fuck it, so can I. At first, it was almost fun. Although the pickings were slim I found myself browsing the site, somewhat intrigued by what I was finding. It seemed that almost everyone liked all kinds of music. Shocker. A lot of guys are looking for something “real,” and almost everyone says they don’t normally use dating websites. Wow, I fit right in! After me and OkCupid’s honeymoon phase I kind of lost track of the site. I was sick of unfruitful messaging and there was a drink special at the bar so I went back to life as
usual. Two weeks ago when my roommates forced me to give it another try I wasn’t entirely opposed. That is, of course, until I took “The Dating Personality Test.” After answering a series of questions about what I value in a significant other and in relationships I was ready to be told that I am the perfect catch and that anyone would be lucky to have me. That didn’t happen. Instead, OkCupid called me something I have never been called in my life. Something so hurtful that I am still not sure if I have come to terms with it. OkCupid told me that I am a Man Child. They told me that I do have some good characteristics such as being passionate, charismatic, and a lot of fun. They also told me that I should consider not using their website. Apparently to OkCupid I am un-
thinking and hurtful. Its gets better. OkCupid thinks I like to see bad things happen to people and enjoy breaking hearts. I am also awkward, soft-headed, and intrigued by fire. Not only are these accusations completely unfounded and false, they are offensive, especially coming from a website. What did I ever do to you OkCupid? And furthermore, don’t offer your services to me if you yourself don’t think I belong. Just because you matched my roommates doesn’t mean you know anything about me. This is the exact reason I did not want to do online dating. Now when I go to bed alone at night I get the pleasure of thinking that in a world full of rejection and deceit I was duped and rejected by a website. In the spirit of Coming Out Week let me be honest. OkCupid can OkSuck it.
COMING OUT IS HARD TO DO ONE WOMAN’S STRUGGLE FOR HER FAMILY’S ACCEPTANCE FOLASHADE ALFORD
This story hails from the ultra conservative town of Lubbock, TX. People are often beaten to death simply because of their sexuality. Things have gotten better, but it’s still a fragile subject. While spending six years of my life there I met one of my best friends, Alexis. At the time we were inseparable. Her parents were staunchly conservative Catholics and they welcomed me with open arms. I’ll never forget the day Alexis told me. World History, ninth grade, leaves were twirling on the ground outside. Alexis looked UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
Illustration
at me with nerves clearly frayed and choked out the words “I have to tell you something. ” I was extremely calm. “What is it?” Then she said it: “I’m gay.” That’s all she could get out before she froze up. I just looked at her, “Alright.” Her eyes searched my face for some hidden meaning. I suppose she was more prepared for a freakout. I told her, “You’re my friend, just because you love the ladies doesn’t change that. You’re still the same person and I love you.” Of course my mother was appalled, “Don’t you feel weird?” The other point my mother made was “What if she likes you or thinks you’re attractive?” First off, being attractive to anyone is a compliment, and obviously if a lesbian likes me there’s not much I can do about it. Hardly anybody knew for a few years. She ended up falling in love with one of her friends who had recently come out as well. Things were peachy keen for a while, even though she was living in the shadows. The love of her life ended up being a pretentious bitch, and as the story goes they broke up, soon after the chaos began. Alexis tried telling her family about
BRYAN WALTON
her orientation, but that ended terribly. Her parents, who happened to be violent people, did their damage and she pleaded with them, screaming at the top of her lungs that she was just kidding. She put on a charade for a while, got a boyfriend and satisfied her mother by seeking help for her “sinful urges.” Through it all she remained a devout Catholic, a loyal follower to a religion that shunned her. Her second attempt to come out failed as well, but this time she had a plan B. She had revealed herself to her aunt and uncle and they opened their home to her should the time come, but her confidants didn’t keep their promise. They were fearful of her mother’s wrath. She dropped off the radar for a few days and was intermittently at friend’s houses without a phone. I’d never been so worried for anyone in my life. I don’t recall what made her go back home. Something her family said like, “We’ll change” or, “we love you,” typical guilty bullshit after all the crap they gave her. Blood may be thicker than water—I wouldn’t have come back, but I’m a different person.
Things continue to get worked out. She forgave her family, but I couldn’t. If family really came first, then they would have supported her. Coming out is such a delicate process. A person reaches the culmination of defining who they are, and they desperately need somebody to embrace them. So many gays and lesbians commit suicide or harm themselves in some way because they’ve been rejected. Think about the biggest secret you ever had and the people you love the most make you an outcast because of it. Let it be known that there is nothing wrong with you if you’re gay. You are a unique person with quirks just like anybody else. Friends, be supportive; you never know when or what you’ll be needed for. Gays and lesbians are people who deserve love and understanding like anyone else. Don’t succumb to the idiotic trash that condemns people because they have the strength to be themselves (complete with some hot pink booty shorts). I love my gays, how about you?
NEWS STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF
GAY MARRIAGE ESCAPES U.S. FLEES TO EUROPE, RETURN UNKNOWN
JOHN YANG The Los Angeles Times has taken a cue from the New York Times and redesigned their godawful website so it doesn’t stink like shit. Still not going to read the paper? Oh well, I tried. You hate waiting for the shuttle. It’s always late, and the bus is too. You are better than this. GPS your problems away and find out exactly when the bus/shuttle is coming via GPS on webwatch. lbtransit.com/webwatch and csulbshuttle.com. The Long Beach Marathon is in two weeks. Don’t even lie to yourself and your body, just be a volunteer. Or try anyway and fail miserably. I think we have a running club on campus. Oh, we do. They meet every Tuesday and Thursday at 5pm at the track/beach oval. Want free text messaging and free minutes? Use Google Voice (this is actually a thing) to get free calls in the U.S. and free text messaging. That is, if you don’t mind your Google dependence growing and them having just a little bit more power over you. Did I mention it works on mobile devices? Barack’s health plan is probably going nowhere until maybe Christmas (if we’re lucky) especially since people are torn about the public option, which means that you’ll be stuck with the whimsically amazing, always helpful, super resourceful, wonderful Student Health Center. What happens when you mix Steven Soderbergh with Benicio del Toro? You get Guerrilla. Watch it, this Thursday at the William Link Theater (formerly known as the University Theater) at 7pm. Also, it’s free.
MICHAEL VEREMANS
I
n case you’ve been under a rock, let me bring you up to speed on the status of same-sex marriage in California: it’s not allowed. Despite valiant efforts from countless civil rights supporters in this state, Proposition 8—limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples—was passed, barely. Our state constitution was amended to include what amounts to a discriminatory clause limiting the principle of universal marriage we once enjoyed. How have we progressed since then? The universal marriage discussion extends beyond our borders. In 2001, the Netherlands voted to recognize civil unions for partners of the same sex, extending them equal rights to opposite-sex couples and introducing a global legal debate. Before the 21st century, gender restrictions on domestic partnerships were tacit in most marriage legislation, which was heavily influenced by religion. But civil rights groups have been fighting for decades to extend the legal protection of marriage and free love to all consenting in our society. Belgium was the second country in the world to write universal marriage into law, breaking the bonds of its Catholic past in the name of social progress. And other countries followed suit—Canada, South Africa, Norway, Australia, Brazil—either granting full or partial civil protection for same-sex couples. Indeed, the new millennium has been a brave one in terms of sex
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AMANDA KHO
and gender rights, across the board. But the struggle for the liberation of our social and personal identities is not nearly over. If you’re near a computer, check out this wikipedia graphic: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:World_ homosexuality_laws.svg. Here you can see not only where gay-marriage—that
is to say, universal marriage—is legally recognized in varying degrees, but where it is prohibited. In some countries, such as Iran, Saudi Arabia, and the Sudan, “homosexuality” is punishable by death. Many other countries
in the region afford various levels of punishments for gay people and for supporters of universal marriage, regardless of their sexual orientation. It was fucking shameful. In our own history, those with the strength to question their own sexual identities have been arrested, psychoanalyzed, discredited, and killed. Among those not directly subject to the lethal ignorance of a society crippled by Christianity, the suicide rate is unprecedentedly high. How many sons and daughters does California have to lose? In the mid ’80s Berkeley and West Hollywood both offered civil partnerships on a gender-neutral basis and the recent reactionary legislation ended that progressive tradition. Since the 2008 election, Iowa, Vermont, and DC have legally recognized same-sex partnerships, joining a growing union of states dedicated to the inalienable principle of civil equity and to freedom of love. They are beckoning California. The gay-marriage debate will be huge in the 2012 gubernatorial elections, but politicians latching onto the issue to garner progressive credentials will raise it again in 2010. The impatience of the political wing to push universal marriage is admirable, but it is a mere symbol of a massive social movement. Legislative efforts must be supplemented by social and cultural awareness aimed at personal liberation.
UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
G N I R E V O C RE CAITLIN CUTT
I
’m not gay. It’s always been interesting to me that this statement has never really been an important one for me to make. It’s a decisively less-brave public declaration to put into print than the ones that make up this year’s Outlist (pg. 2). If I were to walk up to someone and say, “Um, I’m not gay.” I would be lucky if the statement was even taken seriously at best. No one’s going to un-invite me to Thanksgiving dinner or disown me as a daughter for saying that. I don’t have to worry about what God thinks about that, or lose sleep over the possibility that I may never get to have a family. It’s pretty normal. Now, putting your name on the Outlist on the other hand, that’s not so normal. This list is not expected, or mundane. To pull back further, the Outlist is not an action that the federal government sees as averUNION WEEKLY
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age. If it did, it would have included the LGBT community in its 2000 census. This list is not unnecessary, or without consequence. As of now, the LGBT citizens in this country, approximately 8.8 million, have lives that need clarification—that require explanation. It’s not normal, because they are “not straight.” The good news is that the project of discovering “normal” is a distinctly American process. When only men were believed to possess intelligence and creativity, women were simply not men. When busses were split by color, all that mattered was “those people” were not white. But each step in the Civil Rights Movement has uncovered a new basic thread in the human condition, eliminated labels, while at the same time making room for our differences to not only coexist, but to be celebrated.
A C I R E M A
LE O H W E F TH O T R A P AS Y T I N U M M O C Y A G THE G N I T P E ACC
The gay liberation movement was only officially recognized in America on June 28, 1969, when police violently raided the Stonewall Inn, a Greenwhich Village bar, causing the very first gay public demonstration. In light of the 2008 election, we can see how far America has come since then. While it was great to see the issue even discussed politically, the quality that defines this “issue” as a Civil Right’s issue is the same quality that I believe we need to continue reminding ourselves of: homosexuality is not a purely American discussion. This notion that two people of the same sex could engage in a meaningful, and physical relationship has been a formal discussion for thousands of years, dating back to Plato’s Symposium. What must be recognized, what must be uncovered by America, is the persistence of the “homosexual” throughout history—even in the face of abuse, discrimination, and periods of formal execution. Homosexuality is not going anywhere and “these people” have always been here, just like straight people. There is a fear that the triumph for LGBT citizens and supporters in the US will signal the deterioration of the moral fabric of this country. To be honest, I couldn’t agree more with that statement. It totally does. But the moral fabric of this country needs to be rethought, no matter how uncomfortable it is.
“Morality” is a concept that is just as fluid as “normal,” and the two concepts are deeply intertwined. What does it mean when concepts of “morality” or “normalcy” create obstacles for people trying to experience the principals that our country is founded on? When “normal” is hurting people, when “morals” leave people out in the cold, something is wrong. Just like any generation of the Civil Rights movement, we have no need to construct rights that haven’t already been given, or lifestyles that don’t already exist. What we want is to make sure that every American has been given the space to live true to who they are, and no longer be forced to live solely in opposition to who they are not. Hopefully in this lifetime we’ll get to watch as America grafts another story into hers, and celebrate another cleared, allowing more people to journey towards a life, liberty, and happiness that has been there all along for them to take. This “deterioration” is another phase in unearthing the America that has always been possible. I do believe we are starting to see that change. In 2000, despite the fact that the National Census Bureau neglected to provide any direct LGBT-related categories in the official questionnaire, they did find that same-sex households could be found in every county in America. Additionally,
between 2000 and 2006, the National Survey for Family Growth found that there was a 30% rise in same-sex household in the United States. There are two reasons possible for this kind of growth: the first possibility is that in a matter of 6 years, Gays and lesbians across America started to pair up like crazy. The other alternative is that in that short time, people began to feel more confident that their lifestyle was one that was accepted, one that did not need to be hidden so much as included. But even in light of national progress, for the individual, coming out can still be a difficult process. For so many Americans, the consequences of coming out to their friends and family are very real. Before the words even form, members of the LGBT community are forced to weigh the possibility of rejection from their families, communities, even their own children. In some instances, people don’t have the option of adding their name to an official list like this. Coming out would mean totally losing the only community they have known. The Union Weekly is proud to publish the Outlist in our pages. Each name on this list represents a unique personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance. The participants on this year’s Outlist should be proud that they are helping to craft a new moral fabric in America.
A list like this has the power to make all life a little safer, a little more normal, for the individuals out there who still live in fear of doing the same. As a straight supporter, I’ve walked alongside many good friends as they’ve come out. While a few times I’ve watched in relief as families rally tight together, I’ve also seen families fall apart. I know people that have only come out to their friends, and I have many times been in the position of being the only one who knows. I think one of the more heart-breaking moments happened one evening on a front porch before meeting a close girlfriend’s parents. She turned to me and said, “Remember, my parents think Alex is just my roommate.” For me these stories are not simply placed aside, and when the day comes that the ban on gay marriage is lifted, we can’t pretend that the divisions this fight has caused will simply go away. Real change takes time. But still, when that day does come it will be the outward manifestation of an inward change in this country. It will mean that we can begin to live in, not dream of, an America where we simply have “marriage.” Where Outlists are studied but have no need to be published, and where identifying your self as part of the LGBT community is just as boring as being straight. UNION WEEKLY
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MUSIC
out b A g n Bitchi
Matt Dupr ee THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING PUNK: A Rebuttal to the Most Recent Installment of Dancing About Architecture
BON IVER AT SUNRISE AN INTERPRETATION OF A DREAM KATHY MIRANDA
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jfisire@FLICKR
“Illusion is the first of all pleasures.” - Voltaire
S
omewhere between the conscious and the unconscious lies an inconspicuous fog, a thickness of air in which we find ourselves half-awake and half-dreaming. I have wandered in this particular place, drifting between what I believed to be reality, and what I found more pleasurable to be illusion. Floating between rows of gaudy tombstones, I sauntered as the undead, a spirit of REM—I was, quite appropriately, in that exact haunting place, where the quiet creeps in after the chaos, in a cemetery, dreaming with the dead. There are not enough places like the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, or enough bands as haunting as Bon Iver, a Wisconsin quartet of disarming cadence, to precisely provoke such a surreal experience. And I use this word, “surreal” with humble sincerity as Bon Iver at Sunrise wasn’t your typical “ethereal, ghostlike” experience with your favorite band—no, it was so much more unsuspecting than that, so much more quiet; a kind of reticent conversation with someone you love, one you’ve been wanting to have for a while now. Frankly, I had no idea what to expect. The seven-hour event from midnight to sunrise was completely disparate from my usual show-going routine. It started off with a DJ set curated by Bon Iver, ranging from D’Angelo to the Dirty Projectors, an ambient playlist specifically constructed to set the mood, so to speak. Bottle Rocket was featured, as well as UNION WEEKLY
an episode of Planet Earth, and it was then when the crowd felt a familiar tinge of reality, as they laughed and stared in wonder just before falling into a delicate slumber. I could deconstruct the arrangement and symbolism of each highlight of the event—the importance of camaraderie in Bottle Rocket, the subtle influence of sound on the fragile 3am state-of-mind, the existential temperament one feels from watching Planet Earth, the daunting triviality of mortality—yeah, I could do that. But the unconscious in this case, at its most alert existence—in a dream— does not want to be psychoanalyzed or confined by theory, it wants to be embraced. So we embraced it. We lay there, secured by blankets, bottles of wine, lovers at one side, friends at the other, and we rested undisturbed by the world that existed outside of the fog. We reveled in the darkness. And it only got darker. At 5am it was nearly silent, the ground covered in bodies, motionless in their sleep. I heard only the whisper of something magical about to happen, only a faint sigh of fantasy coming to fruition. Then the chanting began. As if the setting and musical reverie wasn’t enough, the stirring of Buddhist monks chanting solidified, an event unmatched by any other. The illusion was emerging, and more and more we fell under this unwavering trance—we were being blessed by Buddhist Monks in a cemetery at five
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in the morning—I’m conscious now, but then, then I was somewhere else, a place I’m not certain exists at all. Bon Iver appeared on the stage at about six, and they might as well have been ghosts. The stage, only barely draped in the morning light, was floating above a mist and everyone was waking to Justin Vernon’s heartrending falsetto. I could only think of the beginning: a rainy night in Dublin at my first Bon Iver show, and a cold winter alone. I could only think of the making of For Emma, Forever Ago, and the isolation Vernon submitted himself to in a dark forest only to create a musical collection so beautiful, he hasn’t been able to make anything comparable since. I think of the emotional acuteness that is so potent in For Emma, the rhythmic confrontation of heartbreak, the dissonant clatters in the bridges only to lull you back into these fragile, unarmed acoustic choruses—an unabashed vulnerability that speaks louder than the music is even capable of. I could only think of Bon Iver’s staggering humility, how thankful they are just to play music. I can’t talk about it any more than this. I can’t even begin to encapsulate their intimacy of sound, and the barriers they break. It’s almost unsettling, but in a vastly better way than any sad story I’ve ever told. Bon Iver is a well-wrought poem; an illusion transformed into something tangible: a song, a lyric infused with a quaking transcendental power you never saw coming. I know it sounds surreal—but that’s because it is.
First of all, Elvis Costello is not punk rock. That bears repeating. I don’t care what Wikipedia says, he’s not a punk and he’s barely even new wave (the yuppie tumor of punk). It’s been suggested that from the narrow field of Punk 101 artists that Rachel mentions listening to, she’s simply inexperienced in punk rock and would grow to enjoy it if she found that perfect few bands. Well that’s bullshit. Rachel, like many people, perceives punk as some sort of closed society, wherein members must pledge absolute loyalty to the punk credo and jam safety pins into their bodies. Moreover, she suggests that having a punk phase is the outgrowth of a flawed personality; that anyone who isn’t still sporting a green mohawk has failed at being punk and was only wrapping themselves in the pretense of rebellion. Certain parts of her argument hold true: punk IS an absurd and predominantly young subculture and many people ultimately drop the outlandish accoutrements. But youth subcultures are a dime a dozen, and each one is just as absurd as the one before it. To call punk an act of youthful posturing is to do the same to all subcultures, including the ones that we’re all still hanging on to. Remember when it was cool to wear American Apparel, shop at vintage stores, and hang out at coffee shops? That joke is for readers in the future. It should go without saying that everyone’s interests change over time, and punk is no different. The reason that punk stands above as a viable and important “phase” is what it bestows upon those who endure it. Punk taught me that the modern world is ridiculous and the only way to really live is on your own terms, to follow your own convictions and give the finger to anyone who doubts you. And punk taught me to think for myself, whether or not those thoughts are amenable to others. That’s why I believe that Pitchfork wants me to grow a vagina. I also believe that music should appeal to the bowels as well as the head. It’s why I think every Motörhead song is good, despite what it may sound like. It’s why I think the Rolling Stones were better than the Beatles. And if you can’t accept that, go fuck yourself. Eleanor Roosevelt said the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Well punks may have a fucked-up take on what’s beautiful, but the statement still rings true. Ultimately, what Rachel has missed out on (by her own admission and by the tone of her words) is the very punk concept that life is for living, and fulfillment comes to those who open themselves to new experiences without care about the consequences. To deny oneself the freedom to experience something different and strange is not maturity, it is fear.
MUSIC
PHOENIX-O-MANIA THE FRENCH at THE GREEK I CHELSEA ROSENTHAL
know nothing about soft synth organs, well-constructed chord progressions, or sock-hop eagerness. In fact, I couldn’t tell you how I even wrote that first sentence. What I do know is that four Frenchmen got nearly 6,000 Southern Californians to sing in unison about Franz Listz. And it. Was. Good. Phoenix, the
secret France has been harboring for the past 10 years, is finally getting the attention they deserve. The Greek Theater was packed with long-term, hardcore Phoenix fans as well as new listeners like myself. But all of us were spilling out into the aisles to drum the air, shout sweet nothings at Thomas Mars, and
loudly butcher all the lyrics. Not a single person was sitting during the entire set. Intense lighting and smoke effects made the theater dizzy with energy— even during songs delivered from their Alphabetical days. Most of the show was dedicated to their latest album, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, and rightfully so. If
“1901” hasn’t been stuck in your head at least once this year, then you’ve been living under a rock for nine months. This show broke Phoenix out of its popproduced-so-well-it’s-nerdy shell. They gave the audience narrative instrumentals, experimental electronic samples, and a new, eerily atmospheric sound. Plus, they’re hot.
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5 OCTOBER 2009
SPORTS
#23, Brittney Herzog; #8, Naomi Washington; and #12, Ashley Lee bump, set, and spike the ball to victory against the all-around shitty and stupid UCSB Gauchos. Look at the dope on the left who’s going to mess up the play. Enjoy the article. Peace.
WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL SPIKES, SPANKS, AND SCORES CSULB NARROWLY BEATS UCSB 3-2 USING THE POWER OF ALLITERATION KEVIN O’BRIEN
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riday night in the pyramid, our CSULB volleyball team played the UCSB Gauchos. The game started with an adorable little girl named Katie, who was picked from the crowd to begin the game by tossing in the ball. She tilted back and sent the ball whizzing past LB head coach Alan Knipe’s head. That was the last cute thing to happen that night. The game was a struggle, and not for the reasons you might think. The first two sets were effortless, the Long Beach girls winning them quick and clean. Number 23, Herzog, began the game with a spike from the far right of the court. The next play, number
Photos
MAY ZIMMERMAN
15, Minkle, followed up with a near sacrificial dive, slide and save, setting the ball for number 12, Lee, to score a quick point. The Gauchos seemed disorganized at first, however they began to hint at the punishment they would deal out in the latter two sets with an incredible rally. The ball was in the air for what seemed like five minutes, arching high, set low, and spiked repeatedly just over the net until a light touch by a Long Beach player bounced off a Gaucho’s kneecap and ended the rally. The score was 14-11 with the Beach in the lead. Our girls seemed strong, while the Gaucho girls seemed to fold and fumble. The next set was played much the same way.
After the second set and consecutive victory it looked like we were in the clear, however the following two sets were a brutal assault on our early lead and our confidence. Mustering up courage and focusing their talent, the Gaucho girls began to take control of the game. The third set was tied 6-6, then 8-8, then 14-14; our girls could not pull away. It was not for a lack of trying. Lee ran headlong towards the walled sideline in an attempt to make a save, the officials behind said wall literally cowered, throwing up protective elbows. Minutes later the game was tied up again at 20-20 when the Gauchos made their move and pulled away to win the third set, 25-20.
A change of sides in the fourth set yielded no change in results; it was another ordeal of a set. We could never capture the lead and make any headway. The Gaucho girls were always within a few points, but it became clearer and clearer that we were not going to be able to recover, or at least not in the forth set. Undeterred, our girls rallied back in the fifth set, number 8, Washington, in particular setting the pace by scoring seven points. Our girls learned their lesson and took their lashes. From the beginning of the fifth set, we taught the Gauchos to fear us again. We took the lead and never gave it back for a victory of 3 hard-earned sets to 2.
HOT NUDE SINGLES ON YOUR CAMPUS!!!
THEY WERE AT THE UNDIE RUN LAST TUESDAY. YOU MISSED THEM. SORRY. ALEXANDRA SCIARRA At around 7 o’clock on the evening of Tuesday September 29th, more than fifty nearly naked residents of the dorms at California State Long Beach gathered in Lot 14A to complete the first annual Undie Run. Before the event, I met up with coordinator and founder Rion Angeles and the boys of Los Alamitos dorms in their bathroom. They painted player numbers on each other’s hard and virtually naked bodies intently and with great focus. “Long Beach has a reputation for being a commuter school,” said Angeles, “I [created] the event to try and cultivate a sense of community.” Surprisingly, a majority of the boys had no history of streaking (except for one very enthusiastic baseball fan), and saw no correlation between the two. UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
There is though, a sort of hidden genius behind the run, though. Aside from building a sense of camaraderie between its participants, running a far distance in one’s underwear could be viewed as the most efficient way to exercise, simply because no one would want to stop running while mostly naked in public. When questioned with what legal ramifications they expected to face from the night’s event, Angeles, who had done his research, found that, surprisingly, “being in your underwear in public is not illegal.” Apparently skivvies, he added while swatting away the hand of a friend who began playing with his nipple, “under California State law [are] considered swimwear.” Despite Angeles’ research, the police
did show up in response to various noise complaints. The police issued the group a warning, and the run began. The course consisted of running first to Los Alamitos through lot 19, and then up Beach Drive, where the runners, who mindfully respected the law while being followed by two squad cars, decided to use the crosswalk. They continued up the roundabout where they passed a busload of students, half of which were startled and revolted, the others who cheered the runners on. They continued up the escalator through the University Student Union, past the bookstore and down the corridor that runs along the Liberal Arts building, where they then shocked a student in her fifties who hap-
pened to be rounding the wrong corner at the wrong time. They turned around at the library and returned down Friendship Walk past the Horn Center. Finally, they continued past the CBA where a professor, seeing the mob of trotters, stopped lecturing and stared. Overall, the run had been an estimated two miles long, circling through campus and bringing the runners back to the lawn in front of Los Alamitos, where they as a group, huddled their sweaty bodies close together to take photos commemorating their accomplishment. When asked if the event had been socially successful, runner Johnny Alt reported that he saw “a couple of people around, but [didn’t] get any numbers because nobody had any pens, obviously.”
ENTERTAINMENT A QUAINT QUARTET OF QUEER CINEMA
While there’ve been quite a number of high-profile and award-winning gay, transexual, and lesbian centric films (Milk, Monster, Transamerica, Brokeback Mountain), there’s a whole array of LBGT films out there just waiting to be watched (trust me, Netflix keeps on recommending them to me). Here’s a group of movies that might just be worth your while.
THE BiRDCAGE (1996)
FOLASHADE ALFORD
BORN IN FLAMES (1983)
JAMES KISLINGBURY If you’re really into documentarian-militantlesbian-alternate-timeline-fiction, then you probably know already that the sub-genre has got some slim pickings. In that case you’ve probably already seen Born in Flames. For the rest of you, this movie is, if anything, unique. It follows a group of radical feminists and lesbians as they attempt to strike out against a society that’s scorned them. While it’s a flawed movie, it’s hard to find a film this full of unapologetically gay and angry women. It also has a gang of bicycle riding, feminist vigilantes attacking a rapist in broad daylight, and how many films can claim to have a spectacle like that?
Two kids, Val and Barbara, are in love and want to marry, but the only trouble is Barbara’s dad is a conservative politician and Val’s parents are two gay men who also own a drag bar. Barbara lies to her parents about the true nature of her fiance’s parents and Val convinces his dad to pretend to be straight and to be married to a woman. The plan is doomed from the start and things snowball when one of Val’s dads decides to cross-dress as Val’s mother. The Birdcage is filled with mishaps and some great dialogue. Nathan Lane delivers as the melodramatic life-partner of Robin Williams. While it might be an obvious choice, it’s a good one, because you’ll be laughing all night with this one.
MY SUMMER OF LOVE (2005)
FOLASHADE ALFORD
A middle-class girl, Mona, is resting in a field when a rich girl Tamsin happens upon her. An immediate attraction is formed between the two girls and they begin a fantastical love affair during their summer. Tamsin turns out to be manipulative and toys with Mona emotionally. For Mona, it’s already too late to bail out and she is pulled in for the ride, resulting in the two declaring their love for each other in a death pact. Mona’s recently converted convict brother adds to the plot, which results in a climax that’ll leave you gasping. Is this summer fling meant to last or is it going to end in tears? The ending may shock you.
ALIEN (1979)
JAMES KISLINGBURY You don’t think that Alien qualifies as a queer film? Well, let me tell you, buster, you got some nerve, coming in here and saying that sort of thing to me! Ridley Scott’s masterpiece of science fiction and horror is a veritable fruit cocktail of queerness. You’ve got a man giving birth to a baby and a ten-foot tall ambulatory penis that runs around murdering folks. If that isn’t indicative of some heavy sexual symbolism, then nothing is. Even if you don’t see the connections between this gothic horror influence film and the concept of queerness, you can just sit back and enjoy what might be the best science fiction monster movie ever made.
MONDO CELLULOID
LONG BEACH’S FRIDAY NIGHT CULT FILM SERIES MIKE PALLOTTA Every Friday night, just before midnight, the local cult and horror film fanatics line 4th street waiting to enter the newly renovated Art Theatre. What they’re waiting to see is a classic film hosted by the revival cinema group Mondo Celluloid. Some go because it’s a film they never got to see in theaters. Others go to relive that experience of seeing Evil Dead 2 on the big screen all those years ago. Either way, Mondo Celluloid is doing Long Beach a favor by offering the public an opportunity to see some classic cinema on a weekly basis. Mondo Celluloid started on Myspace (www.myspace.com/mondocelluloid) with the purpose of creating a community for film-goers in LA. The Myspace page eventually grew and split off into a website (www. mondocelluloid.com) all the while continuing as a directory and a hub of film information. Mondo Celluloid has given fans a site to find out which theaters are revival cine-
mas (basically screening old movies instead of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past), along with a schedule of showtimes, as well as offering numerous reviews and blog entries on film. Mondo Celluloid came into its own, however, when it became a film series late last year. The website that had spent its time highlighting festivals and films being screened throughout LA was finally getting a say in what films would be screened in the LA area. Once the Art Theatre finally finished its renovations, it took in the burgeoning film series and gave it a home for its Friday night at midnight screenings. Although they pick movies that are frequently shown elsewhere (such as The Shining and Pulp Fiction) the people behind Mondo Celluloid have continued to separate their film series from the rest by having special guests and events to coincide with their screenings. Last May, Mondo not only showed Shaun of
the Dead, but also accompanied the film with a “zombie walk” where the members of the audience dressed as the undead dragged their feet en masse down 4th street. Recently, Logan Crow, President of Mondo Celluloid, announced that the first Friday of each month would feature a silent film, and in place of a recording of the regular score to the film, a live band would come and perform a score for the film (whether it be the original or one of their making). Mondo has already screened two F.W. Murnau films, Faust and Nosferatu, each with a different live band and each time the clarity of live music added an atmosphere that enhanced the film and complimented it well. The first Friday of November is going to feature Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, the film that George Lucas ripped off that wasn’t made by Kurosawa. Whether you’re a fanatic or not, Mondo Celluloid and the Art Theatre are doing you
a service by extending their appreciation of film to you. They’re giving you the chance to experience some classic cinema in a theatre that looks like it was frozen in time around WWII—not to mention, the chance to watch a classic with a crowd of folks who know how to enjoy themselves in a movie theatre. UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
LITERATURE
QUEER THEORY MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN
DAVID SEDARIS IS GAY IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW MATT DUPREE
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lthough any Sedaris-centric work will immediately categorize his talent as that of an ‘author,’ I find that his real strength is that of a diarist. He has released a vast anthology of personal anecdotes, everything from growing up in North Carolina to living in New York to vacationing with his boyfriend. It’s reached such a level of abundance that I think he may just run out of stories in the near future and have to write other people’s lives to fill his books. I don’t know if it’s a photographic memory or a creative imagination that creates the wealth of goofy stories of growing up, but I don’t rightly care. There has been, apparently, some kerfuffle over whether or not his nonfiction is all that nonfictional, but that’s a rather hollow criticism given the history of creative nonfiction. You think Kerouac could’ve held up to a fact-check? Don’t bet on it. We’d all love to get the God’s honest in a new, humorous, and somehow profound way, perhaps even causing us to look at the world with entirely different eyes, but life needs a little tweak sometimes. And to David’s credit, his tweaks (if they do exist) are subtle and beautiful, never pressing
UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
the envelope of nonfiction beyond the very real bounds of an ordinary life. I suppose it’s odd to think that stories of such ordinary matter should become so extraordinary; but that’s Sedaris’ skill. Somehow he can spin a story about failing a urine test and still becoming a Macy’s Christmas elf that puts the whole damn holiday on trial. His This American Life stories, the ones which he created after being discovered by TAL host Ira Glass, blend a viciously self-deprecating wit with a steel-sharp eye for the deepest meanings of things. Almost as though he knows the secret of everything in life, but he forgets it until just after he needs it. But I suppose you could make the case that that really is the secret of life, not having the answers until the second after you mess it all up. Either way, it makes for an addictive read. A very addictive read. I know more about David’s childhood than I do about my own. I can’t even watch episodes of Strangers With Candy (starring Amy Sedaris) without thinking, “That’s David’s sister there. I wonder what he’d make of this show if he were here right now.”
100 years ago, it would have been a foregone conclusion that race is a concrete determinate of human beings. Going back 50 years, there would be no debate over a measure like Prop 8, because sexuality was understood as a fixed entity. And yet humans still seek to cling on to some form of belief in human essentialism. In 1985, Donna Haraway sought to permanently unhinge all notions of what it means to be human in her seminal work “The Cyborg Manifesto”. Haraway’s essay lit a fire in the world of Academics and public discourse. Feminists were enthralled and horrified, the queer theorists were instantly smitten and repulsed, and nearly every facet of postmodern thought changed. “The Cyborg Manifesto” is an attempt to “build an ironic political myth faithful to feminism, socialism, and materialism” centered on the pop culture image of the Cyborg. The text is a notoriously incendiary “blasphemous” piece that provoked a lot more debate than agreement. The Cyborg is what Haraway calls, “an integrated circuit,” an ideal metaphor for a new society where petty essentialist politics is replaced with a utopian society based around interdependence. The justification for the new mode of Cybernetic living is Haraway’s view of “leaky distinctions,” permeable spaces in between the traditionally ironclad definitions found in traditional liberal societies. Haraway comes from a biology background and as such takes extreme exception to animal/human separation, arguing against creationism and in favor of animal rights. In the spirit of Cybernetics, Haraway goes on to argue that through our use of technologies, we have made them a function of our body and thus made them organic. Finally, following the tradition of extremist feminists like Judith Butler, Haraway argues that the concept of a gender has proven to be a complete fallacy that will render homo and heterosexuality obsolete. This is where she comes into the field of Queer Theory. This dissolution of gender norms should excite those in the gay community, but what are the practical results from such a radical change? Many in the gay community have understandably taken issue with this piece, viewing it as an attack on their identity. And on one hand, I completely sympathize. What good would it have done Civil Rights activists if in the middle of their historic battle for recognition they had been told they didn’t have to worry about it because they were already the same as whites? But what Haraway is digging at is bigger than issues of liberties, she is seeking a complete restructuring of the way we understand and interpret our liberties. Is “The Cyborg Manifesto” incendiary, even problematic? Of course. Is it essential? Ditto.
CULTURE Androgynous Fashion KATHY MIRANDA
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or this gay-centric issue, I thought it appropriate to showcase a cultural trend in modern fashion that has largely influenced the gay community. It challenges the conventional perceptions of gender by creating an amalgamation of the two sexes and giving birth to what the Vogue world now calls androgynous fashion. At first, androgynous fashion was recognized only on controversial terms, à la David Bowie and later, Marilyn Manson, who utilized feminine traits such as make-up and plastic female body suits to make a statement. But the statement was much more than a rebellious undertaking of social convention; it began a wave of self-expression for a generation of young people who, in the 60s and 70s, were in the midst of a very new, very acid-heavy exploration of self-identification. Musicians, models and actors all came together to establish this experiment with trend-setting while simultaneously challenging the perspective of sexuality and gender roles on our society. Now, androgyny has been well incorporated into our culture, from runway models to anime characters, through the entertainment industry, to what is probably the most important feat of androgynous influence, the
global workforce. Through androgyny, our culture is participating in a very important discussion involving the productivity of our survival. It’s sounds pretty heavy, I know. But when you see English supermodel Agyness Deyn wearing a fedora, or Annie Hall wearing a tie and trousers, it isn’t just an attempt to look silly or be rebellious. These small moves in fashion represent an entire generation of influence, and inspire a culture of ambiguous sexuality, one thriving without gender prejudices. Take for example the typical stereotypes of gender roles: men are the breadwinners, women are the homemakers. While androgyny has challenged these conventions, it has also allowed men to embrace the importance of femininity and women to confidently express masculinity without judgment. Back then, there was no avenue for the breaking of these stereotypes to exist until fashion allowed people to safely express themselves in a way that ultimately became a surge of self-confidence among the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community around the world. This swell of self-confidence in the last 40 years has made a monumental impact on our economic progress. Not only were women able to work in any field, they were encouraged
to do so. The acceptance of women in the workforce is one thing, but the establishment of equal pay is of even more importance. We have been able to grant people more jobs, increase overall efficiency and truly embody the idea of the individualism our country, and hopefully in the future, the world, advocates. It isn’t strange for one to overlook the importance of fashion on our culture. But it is through these mediums of self-expression that we find the key authorities of the way we interact today and the way we will behave in the future. Androgynous fashion is only one of these mediums. It has allowed the gay community to become more comfortable with their sexuality; it has allowed straight people to embody whatever gender traits they prefer in any way they wish to do so; and it has confirmed the imperfection of human nature while adopting change as it itself changes. The malleability of fashion and the trends that surround it will constantly affect, for better or worse, the social customs we, by nature, loyally adhere to—but we should know that no matter how ridiculous Prince looked in his fitted purple Edwardian jacket and leather pants, it wasn’t just style, baby; it was social evolution.
Compassionate Cuisine Whets Long Beach’s Alternative Palate, or, Veganism is Gay
For the March 9th issue of the Union last year, Mike Pallotta and Caitlin Cutt plumbed the somewhat underground world of veganism at CSULB, abstaining from all animal products for a month in order to actually experience the lifestyle that is rapidly becoming the sustainable food option of the future. The article introduced many students to a diet that most of them had never heard of. Erin Hickey’s side column uncovered the few animal-free options available at the Beach, but the opportunity to really have a feast on campus is rare. To combat the terrible vegan drought, “farmed animal sanctuary and compassionate living center” Animal Acres is holding its 4th Annual Compassionate Cuisine Vegetarianfest this Friday, October 9th from 7-9pm. It will highlight the importance of veganism for health and ecological reasons and
MICHAEL VEREMANS feature speakers, music, and food samples. The Japanese Gardens will be host to table after table of delicious vegan cuisine from businesses in the area as diverse as Kamal Palace, the Secret Spot, and Zephyr’s. This is a good opportunity for all you tactile learners interested in making a healthy lifestyle change (or just wanting to eat a meal without guilt) to experience vegan dining at its best. Look out for CAT, our campus Animal Rights group tabling at the event if you want more information on veganism or how to get involved in the cause. Tickets for the event can be purchased online at animalacres.org and are available at the door. The proceeds are donated to the Animal Acres sanctuary, but at $35/$45, they can be out of the price range of most students. Put this one in the bag though for a classy date. UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
COMICS You’re STUCK Here by Victor! Perfecto
Drunken Penguin Comics by James Kislingbury
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ANSWERS
The Kids Are Alright by Ken C.
UNION WEEKLY
5 OCTOBER 2009
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Porn Party. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“I bet I have prostate cancer, ’cause I pee a lot.”
Volume 65 Issue 6
Monday, October 5th, 2009
America Outraged by Homophobe’s Debut Novel of Gay Erotica BY TANGERINE BALLS & GAELIC FORESKYNE WASHINGTON, DC – This week marks the release of a novel that is being deemed the most offensive book of all time, by both the Christian far-right as well as the gay and lesbian community. The book, entitled God’s Mistake tells the story of “[T]wo gay men, Jake and Larry, who pursue an intimate relationship despite the laws of both God and man.” Author Gregory Sparks, noted racist, admitted homophobe, and chewing tobacco enthusiast, says he wrote the book to “Draw more attention to all the derned banana factories turnin’ the country to ruination!” Due to the novel’s offensive nature, booksellers all across America have promised not to sell God’s Mistake, for what they have been calling “catastrophic moral failings on par with the fall of Babylon.” Most notably, the many passages including Spark’s descriptions of gay sex are being labeled especially offensive. The following is one such passage: “And as they gregariously touched their nether regions together, Jake and Larry yelled out ‘Praise Satan!’ in unison.” What follows is a twentypage tirade against what Sparks
describes as the “dark union” of diabolists, zoophiles, Freemasons, and, in his words, “Jew York.” The chapter ends with another long rant about the “sweet, silky smooth and sinful taste of straight Satanly semen,” Gregory Sparks (center) shows off his homemade checkers set which, admittedly that’s shaped like a chess set. The largest of its kind in the county. is a pretty good piece of alliteration. He also in- they should accept the book so cludes a description of a possible easily. The response from the fictitious sexual maneuver in a LBGT community has been espefootnote that he calls the “Hy- cially fierce; they have already beperborean Basket Weave,” which gun work on organizing a parade all sex experts and physicists we in protest. Sources report that the asked described as simply “ludi- parade will consist mostly of glitcrous” and “painful.” ter-ridden half-naked adult men Even though Sparks’ utter dis- in tight leather yelling, “We’re regard for a basic lack decency, here! We’re queer! We disapprove hygiene, and use of his left turn of this new book!” The response signal has angered the majority from the Christian community of Americans, many argue that has been equally strong. Sources he is simply exercising his First report that the Christian comAmendment rights. One such munity is planning to show their man is Jim Hobarbski who said, unhappiness with the book by “I don’t necessarily agree with hosting the world’s largest bake what [Sparks] wrote, but I’d like to sale, which will span across three think that I live in a place where states. Despite concerns over conhe at least has the right to do it.” troversy, Ron Howard has signed When read a passage of the book, on to adapt the novel and its unhe replied, “Dear God in Heaven, written sequel, God’s Mistake: what hath we wrought?” Mistakes in Time. Other groups do not feel that
LBUNION.COM
Area Man Comes Out as Bisensual BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR LONG BEACH, CA – Local Accountant Mike Lutz announced to the press [me] on Friday that he is indeed a bisensual. “I don’t discriminate, I try to see beauty in everyone,” Lutz said as he most likely released his Gay spores. No word yet on whether any new Gays have Mike Lutz (middle) at an early age showing signs of sprouted in his office. Not to Bisensuality with the strange, but beautiful Gay race. get too editorial on all your reader asses, but I am proud that ing. Good journalism. Ergo. Those these humanoids are able to have like Mike Lutz who are able to apjobs and live their lives alongside preciate the sensuality of these the rest of us. mysterious beings are brave indiThrough the use of my huge viduals. It is an especially fun day brain I have collected facts to help for me if one of them publicly anthose not in the know truly un- nounces their sensuality. What is a derstand who these beings like my day like for these sensuals? Hmm, accountant truly are. TRULY. For who could know that? Yep. I do. instance, the Gays eat mostly hu- Mike enjoys things like numbers man foods, but they only enjoy ex- and throat knots on his shirt. No pired milk. This is helpful anyway one knows what the use of these so don’t sweat it! Next. Due to their items is. Like I said, mysterious fungus-like origins, Gays must also creatures. Mike said he also likes sleep on sheets of moss or other a “watch baseball” but this may be such fertile soils. It depends on a different language because these a personal Gay preference. This are not words I am familiar with. is also not really a big deal and it Some may be quick to judge helps our environment so leave these beings, with their strange these beings alone! Look at all the words and throat knots, but I for helpful things they do. I would kiss one embrace them and their cusone if its lips weren’t painted on. toms. I keep saying it but it’s true Anyway back to what I was okay. Does that make me bisensaying before. A segue. Good writ- sual too? Nope. See ya.
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Agnostic Scholar Releases Book, “God is Kind of Whatever”
Agnostic advocate and secular scholar Thomas Hinkles released his long-anticipated middle of the road declaration of not caring about whether God exists. “I don’t understand what the stumbling block is with people nowadays worrying about whether God exists or not, especially with the Fall TV line-up,” Hinkles said. “I’m simply raising the point that the whole ‘God question’ is kind of boring. Hey, you going to eat that?” PAGE S4
Are You Going to Eat That?
“It’s a good question,” Hinkles said. The “that” in question was a large salami and prosciutto with the trimmings, a pretty good looking “that.” “I haven’t had a single thing to eat all day,” Hinkles clarified. “Being an agnostic doesn’t pay well.”
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