ISSUE 65.08 “Welcome to downtown Coolsville! Population: Us.” -Hogarth Hughes, The Iron Giant
JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
CLAY COOPER
Managing Editor
ANDY
KEVIN O’BRIEN
kevinob.union@gmail.com
ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO
JOE BRYANT
Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
Y
ou asked for it. You may have said absolutely nothing, but we could hear your pleas in your laughter, in your respect for the awesome power of the written word. Like the ravenous crowds of the Roman coliseum, we heard your chants: “Andy... Andy... Andy...” Our response? This issue. There are only two people who have ever been cooler than Andrew Thomas Kneis: Bruce Willis in Die Hard with a Vengeance and a pre-overdose Jimi Hendrix. Fact: Andy is still cool. They are not. I’m afraid that I’ve opened a door that most certainly can never be closed again. For a while now I’ve been enjoying Andy’s company and sidesplitting, whispered jokes, but what happens if this issue goes to his head? If there were 20 some-odd pictures of me in the newspaper, I would have one of two reactions: A) Go mad with power or B) Never show
my face on campus again. Let’s run down the scenarios. What happens if Andy’s ego is inflated? He’ll walk around saying, “Hey pal, nice shirt,” to people whose shirts are clearly not nice. These words won’t be spoken with venom, but with an “I don’t give no fucks” attitude. This I can handle, but if Andy disappears forever-ever, I don’t know what I’d do. Who will I look to for advice on how to make myself a happening dude? How ever could I, a lowly college newspaper editor, ever be cool? Luckily for me, you, and that guy that offers free face paintings on the friendship walk, Andy has written us a how-to guide on this very topic. In case he goes off the deep end, let this serve as his last will, testament, and manifesto. Now I know why Andy always asks if life is real in every one of his articles. Ugh. Let’s read some mail.
Dear Joe and Union Staff, These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for. Love, Eddie Jordan Dear Eddie, No. Figured I might as well put some words on your page, since I’m all over the dang place this week anyway, stinking up the whole joint. Okay, that’s all. Good luck Editor-in-Chiefing. -Andy “cool” Kneis Goddamn! Not only is he cool, but he’s classy to boot. Ask Away!
Who better to get advice from/complain to than some guy you don’t know? Send all emails to: joeb.union@gmail.com
ONE FREE HIGH-FIVE FROM ONE COOL DUDE! JUST FIND ALL 24½ ANDYS IN THIS ISSUE!
clay.union@gmail.com simone.union@gmail.com
News Director
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
rachel.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor
JOE VERSUS
joeb.union@gmail.com
andyk.union@gmail.com caitlincutt.union@gmail.com jamesk.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA
victorpc.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA
kathym.union@gmail.com
Comics Editor Culture Editor
SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER Art Director
ANDREW LEE Andy Photos
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, CHRISTINE NOH, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, CHELSEA STEVENS, KEN CHO, ERIC LOPEZ, JOHN YANG, ELIZABETH RENTERIA, ELISE McCUTCHEN, MONA KOZLOWSKI, ALLEGRA RINGO, LAURA AGUIRRE, ALLAN STEINER, KELVIN HO, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, AARON KOSAKA, ELISA TANAKA, ANDREW LEE, LEO PORTUGAL, IAN RANDOLPH, JASMINE GAGNER
Disclaimer and Publication Information
Scattered throughout this week’s issue are pictures of Andy Kneis— Sports Editor, board-certified magician, and all around cool dude. If you, dear reader, can find and circle all 24 ½ Andys in this publication, just bring in your circle-riddled Union for a free high-five from Andy!* Oh boy! Then have Andy sign this certificate, clip it out, and put it on your wall! Make sure to say thank you!
Andrew Thomas Kneis, Esq.
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
*Our office is located in the USU courtyard, next to Wells Fargo and the university police station. Look for the pirate flag. Andy not guaranteed to be wearing sunglasses or riding/holding a skateboard. Offer expires 10/31.
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
NEWS
AFGHANISTALEMATE IGNORANCE OF THE PAST PLAGUES MODERN WAR MICHAEL VEREMANS
T
he current civil war in Afghanistan has been going on now for decades, and the US’s involvement since 9/11 hasn’t helped. No, after eight years, American soldiers, an international contingency of “stabilization” forces, and various contracted mercenaries have only escalated the violent situation in Central Asia. Rather than bringing in our biggest “terrorist” suspect and somehow mitigating the violent and backward social policies of the Taliban, we have traded our national insecurity for heroin, death, and international disillusionment. So why did the US discreetly send 13,000 more of our brothers and sisters to Afghanistan last week? Maybe it’s because we as a society don’t have any lucid conception of the history of Central Asia. The majority ethnic group in Afghanistan are the Pashtuns, whose complex but organized tribal system spans the Pakistani and Indian borders. And despite its apparent remoteness, their region has been
hotly contested over by Western powers for two centuries now. In 1839, Russia to the north and English forces from the, East India Company entered into a protracted struggle, making Central Asia their chessboard. More than a century later, in 1979, Russia invaded from the north, attempting to support the communist government. US and European support, in the form of equipment and advisors, aided the Mujahadin, in defeating the Soviets. Then, after 9/11, the US once again entered the land, en masse and with new technology and even more soldiers to fight the Taliban. The UN, thanks to some fancy lawyer work, didn’t have to recognize the large-scale invasion of Central Asia as an act of aggression, so the “War On Terror” commenced, even garnering some European pity support. Let’s consider the strategic placement of Afghanistan when you notice how quickly and unabashedly the US launched an inva-
Illustration
sion. It borders colossal world power incum credit investor, China to the North, volatile Pakistan to the South and, surprisingly enough, our new nuclear friend Iran to the west. This land-locked, minimally industrialized nation has, become the biggest opium exporter in the world since it came under US influence in 2001. What was supposed to have been a punitive mission conducted by the most advanced military in the world has turned into a scramble for regional control that is alienating our former allies and killing our troops. International resentment of the war stems from the unique and somewhat dysfunctional financial relationship with China and our stance on the Iranian nuclear program, issues that many Europeans are not ready to die for. By the end of this year, there will be 68,000 Americans deployed to fight “terror,” but their morale is already waning. Many soldiers have been forced to seek out other forms of peace-
BRYAN WALTON
keeping. Last week, Times of London evidence that Italian and other international troops in Afghanistan have been bribing tribal leaders and Taliban militias to halt their attacks on NATO forces and to minimize casualties. It seems like Italy is sending its citizens to a foreign country to pay out their own money for their lives—does that make this an unjust war? They’re not the only people reluctant to fight, we are! Just last week, hundreds of people rallied at the Westwood federal building to express the public’s disapproval of the US’s continued and increasing military efforts in Central Asia. We can see that the only thing coming back from Afghanistan are our dead brothers laid under American flags and raw heroin to feed the opiate addiction that we indulge in as a nation. We should have learned from Russia, but we will always have this problem as long as we refuse to stop searching abroad and look for the savagery within ourselves.
WE DO WORK, SON—ALL 5,794 OF US BITCH, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STATE OF THE BEACH? ERIC LOPEZ
Illustration
AMANDA KHO
Classes are being cut and students are suckered into paying more for attending school, somehow the CSU’s still managed to expand their community service partners from 3,560 (2007) to 5,794 (2008). That is nearly double than what it had, according to the CSU center for Community Engagement. The Center for Community Engagement was established over a decade ago by Chancellor Charles B. Reed and it continues to contribute to the community and students by providing them with real-life experiences and countless amount of hours all many years. Throughout all of the CSUs an estimated 63,000 students partook in service learning, for a total of 1.2 million hours of community service. With the accepted national volunteer rate currently being $20.25 an hour, (we should all do paid volunteered work, that’s where all the money is at) if it were paid out, it would amount to about $24 million worth of good and positive things we have all done to help those in need.
Let’s all take a step back and see the whole spectrum; students who often are the needy ones are the ones helping. Granted that they most likely receive something in return such as a grade or work experience, it still doesn’t rectify how bad California is screwing us all in the ass, seriously! A survey showed that for every dollar that California spends it receives four dollars back. So how is it that education got cutback even with that much help from the CSUs? Very counter-intuitive KAL-E-FOR-NE-UH! In no way is volunteering grounds for exemption from necessary cutbacks but when volunteering is making such a huge impact on the state, then by all means find a way to make it work. This year, with furloughs and reduced income for the universities, the volunteer sites will no doubt hurt with us, so get out there and plant a tree and bill the state for $20.25 per hour or just feel good about yourself (it appears that that’s the price of feeling good about oneself, $20.25). UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
OPINIONS NO MARRIAGE FOR YOU! INTERRACIAL COUPLES STILL EXPERIENCE DISCRIMINATION ELISE McCUTCHEN
Illustration
I
n Louisiana, Keith Bardwell, a justice of the peace, refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple. He was worried about the welfare of their future children, as they would find themselves rejected by both the black community and the white community. He suggested they go elsewhere for the signature they required, making no effort to mask his objections to their relationship based entirely on their difference in race. Now this is nothing foreign to the South of the 1950s. It’s the kind of story we read about in history books to demonstrate the discrimination that took place in this country before the Civil Rights Movement. Our nation has since improved, finally keeping its promise that we’re all created equal and should be treated accordingly. This happened only a couple weeks ago, and it’s the fifth time this judge has made this particular decision and still been able to keep his position as an elected official. The Supreme Court ruled anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional
JAMIE KARSON
in 1967, but 42 years later, it still seems as if one person hasn’t got the memo. And unfortunately, the views he has are held by many more people, they just don’t have the power to do anything about it. As the product of a biracial marriage, I have witnessed the controversy that surrounds a relationship of this kind. Members of both of my parents’ family (black and white) disapproved of their union, leading them to have a small ceremony with hardly any relatives present. Growing up, I had other children tell me my mom wasn’t really my mom because of our difference in skin color and was subjected to shaking heads and whispered comments at almost every trip to the grocery store. As one half of an interracial couple today, I am reminded almost daily that although things have changed, they haven’t changed enough. In Long Beach, one of the most diverse cities in the world, my boyfriend and I still receive stern looks and wide-eyed stares from people of all races and ages for simply holding hands. No one has ever told us
outright that they think what we’re doing is wrong, like my parents experienced before us. Instead, they communicate it through their pursed lips and furrowed eyebrows, which is less explicit but just as damaging. Don’t let Heidi Klum and Seal or Barack Obama’s mixed background fool you: interracial relationships continue to be taboo in America. Legislation didn’t rid this country of all its prejudice; it just moved it into the shadows, to be communicated in
private rather than public. Bardwell’s very public statement, however, proves that these beliefs are still out there, inhibiting not only the actions of two individuals but also the progress of our country, as a whole. After all, until this country can wrap its collective mind around the idea of two different races marrying, how can it ever come around to the legal union of people of the same sex? We’ve certainly come a long way since 1967, but we still have so much further to go.
BEYOND THE NAIL
CLIPPING YOUR NAILS IN PUBLIC IS CRUDE AND WRONG BRIAN NEWHARD
One grooming routine that can be a real nuisance is trimming your nails. They always grow back sooner than you want them to. If you let them grow too long, you’ll start accidently scratching everyone, like an awkward Wolverine with a stutter. If you cut them too short, any plastic packaging will leave you as helpless as that puppy on YouTube who can’t roll over. And as with anything in life, the UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
biggest issue is location, location, location. I’m going to relate to you now my eyewitness account of a few cavalier renegades who trim their nails wherever they damn please. (Eww!) I must warn you, the stories you are about to read may shock or disturb you. If you’re squeamish, I urge you to put down this article. As for the rest of you, let’s continue. This past Saturday I attended Jack FM’s Fourth Show at Verizon Wireless amphitheater. My group showed up a little late so it was a little tricky to find someplace to sit on the lawn area but we eventually found a spot. Shortly after we got settled, my friend noticed something none of us had seen before. Three people over, back and to the right, there was a dude in a leather jacket cutting his fingernails. In the middle of the concert. Seriously. I know
Illustration
JAMIE KARSON
that RATT isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s pretty cold. That was probably the biggest affront to the members of RATT’s street cred since they decided to join RATT. Perhaps even more disturbing than the guy shearing his claws was the fact that his girlfriend was cuddling up to him while he did it. I mean honestly, who’s more to blame for this horrific situation? The guy giving himself a manicure in public or the girlfriend who’s condoning it? And a couple that nonchalant with their bodies in the middle of a huge crowd, I don’t even want to think about what they do in the bedroom. No, I’ll try it for a second. Ugh! Shouldn’t have done that. The following Monday I went to the library computer lab between classes, happy my fingernail tribulations were finally over.
Oh, how foolish and naïve I was. Just as I sat down at a computer I detected something on the floor out of the corner of my eye. Fucking fingernail. A big, juicy, perfect moon-sliver thumbnail sat right in front of me, basking in its own filthy-nasty glory. How could this have happened? I pray the culprit cut their nails earlier and one stuck to their clothes, like a disease-ridden tick, and fell off there. But that’s almost as shameful as cutting them right there in the library (a pretty ballsy move if you think about it). Who is this skeevy fucker that goes to my school? Sitting in the chairs I have to sit in. Drinking from the water fountains I have to drink from. This is your problem too, CSULB. Stay safe, stay clean and don’t cut your fingernails in public. Christ.
SPORTS SPORTS
ANGELS AND DODGERS (NOT AFFILIATED WITH DAN BROWN) ANDREW TURNER
T
he Angels and Dodgers are in their respective League Championship Series. Southern California baseball fans have waited year after year to come as close as they are right now to realizing their dream of finally having an Angels v. Dodgers World Series. The two Los Angeles area clubs drew over seven million fans this year, a testament to the region’s loyalty and excitement about the promise that their teams have shown. It hasn’t been easy. Each team dealt with obstacles en route to their successful seasons. For the Angels, the hardships began from the very beginning. The team had its projected fifth starter Nick Adenhart killed in a drunk driving accident just hours after the start of his first season. The incident stunned the entire LA community. Fans set up memorials at the intersection where the accident occurred, and out in front of the home plate entrance to Angels Stadium. The Angels made it apparent to everyone that this season was to be played in memory of Adenhart. As they set up an emblem on the centerfield wall, an image that reminded the team and its fans every day of the young man with a bright future that had his life snatched away in the blink of an eye. The team took further steps to honor the memory of their fallen teammate by embroidering Adenhart’s number, 34 on their jerseys, and hanging his jersey in the dugout during every game. It should be considered to be a minor miracle that manager Mike Scioscia has been able to turn this season around, from a tragic beginning, to being four wins away from going to the World Series. It should be noted that the Angels aren’t the only team making noise in the postseason following the death of one of their organization’s finest assets. The Phillies have been playing this season in remembrance of
Illustration
MONA KOZLOWSKI
the late, great announcer Harry Kalas. The Phillies have bared the initials “HK” on their jerseys in honor of their announcer that had been calling games since 1971. The Phillies are also among baseball’s final four in contention for the championship. The Dodgers most notable obstacle, though far less significant than the emotional blow from the death of a teammate, was an extensive 50 game suspension handed out to offensive juggernaut Manny Ramirez. The suspension followed the discovery that Ramirez had been involved in the use of illegal performance enhancing substances. Despite missing the services of the team’s most prolific offensive weapon for a third of the season, the Dodgers stepped up and grabbed the best record in the National League. A lot of credit needs to be given to Juan Pierre, who filled the void during Manny’s absence. Pierre could probably start anywhere else in Major League Baseball, but his skills have proved to be invaluable to the Dodgers as the fourth outfielder. The baseball community has been front and center to a lot of drama this year. It is debatable which World Series matchup could make the most eventful ending to a dramatic season. What would be the national response to the Angels and the Phillies trying to put the finishing touches on seasons in which they have fought so passionately to honor their fallen greats? It would certainly cap a magical year for the Yankees if they won it all in the inaugural year of their new stadium. Perhaps a western rivalry will escalate to new heights with the first playoff edition of the Freeway Series. The World Series is just around the corner, and Southern California is holding its breath for what it hopes will be the long awaited matchup of the two rivals separated by just 35 miles.
“Hey guys, my page is a SLAM DUNK! I don’t give a shit. See ya.”
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
WERNERTAINMENT
ALSO SPRACH HERZOG FITZCARRALDO, BEING A HORNET, AND WHY SCHOOL IS A WASTE OF TIME JAMES KISLINGBURY
T
he first Werner Herzog movie I ever saw was his documentary on the doomed naturalist Timothy Treadwell in the documentary Grizzly Man. I saw it on a lark with one of my friends and when I walked out, I walked out as a slightly different person. I didn’t know that documentaries could be this engaging, that there was people this crazy walking the earth, and that brooding German lecturing on the chaos inherent in nature made for good movies. Since then Herzog has become one of my favorite directors, so when I heard that there was a screening of his magnum opus Fitzcarraldo, followed up by a question and answer session with the director himself at the Aero Theater in Santa Monica, I jumped on the opportunity (after hunting up the nine dollars for admission). Watching what might be his best film, Fitzcarraldo, and listening to him speak, reaffirmed all of the reasons why I dig Herzog so goddamn much. The production of Fitzcarraldo is UNION WEEKLY
probably every bit as legendary as the film itself (which is about an opera enthusiast, played by Klaus Kinski, who dreams up a scheme to move a steam ship up a mountain). It’s frought with disasters both manmade—such as the original lead actor leaving production half-way through the shoot—and those made by nature— such as a woodcutter who after being bitten in the foot by a snake, cut off his appendage with a chainsaw to keep the venom from spreading to the rest of his body. What results from all of this turmoil is a work of art that was entirely worth it. Even though parts of it are somewhat clunky (like the English dubbing) and the clearing of the woods and use of indigenous workers is morally questionable, it shines past all of this. Even the guy breathing through a tube two rows behind me couldn’t dim the experience. It also didn’t hurt that I was watching this movie for the first time on the big screen—the way the Lord Jesus Christ intended us to watch movies. The real treat came after the movie concluded, when Herzog spoke about the film. He’s always a man worth listening to. Though he did repeat a few stories I’ve read enough times to feel like he’s told me himself (such as the story of an Indian chief asking him for permission to kill Klaus Kinski, Fitzcarraldo’s lead actor), he touched on a lot of subjects, such as how he believes that our society is “starving for discourse” or that, despite the trouble surrounding Fitzcarraldo, he said that “Any idiot could do it.” I think my fa-
19 OCTOBER 2009
vorite quote came when he talked about cinema vérité. He said that he didn’t want to be a fly on the wall,” observing a subject in its natural habitat, but rather, he wanted to be “the hornet that stings.” Then Herzog capped off the evening by saying something that my parents have been saying for years, which is that my education is a waste of time. This comment came after the second fan of the night asked a question regarding parallels between his other South-American-adventure-film-ona-river, Aguirre: The Wrath of God, and Fitzcarraldo. He blew off the question, probably half out of being tired of hearing the comparison for nearly thirty years, and mostly because he sees academia as an organization that “vivisects poetry” and that the people who pick apart films like this are “completely without human pathos.” Big talk for someone who stole a camera from the Munich Film School. I have to disagree with Herzog’s blanket statement of film scholarship being bankrupt, but there’s a tinge of truth in his words. We don’t take in a work of art to tear it apart and poke at the insides, we do it to experience something outside of our normal lives. They show us something more delicate Herzog himself describes as the “ecstatic truth.” This is what film is supposed to do, and Herzog succeeds in this with Fitzcarraldo—even if movie dorks keep on asking him the same stupid film school questions over and over again. So, while the questions weren’t quite up to snuff and my choice to go to college was assaulted by one of my heroes, I still had a full, worth-while evening because I didn’t feel like I wasted my time, because none of that junk can ever be as magnificent as seeing a ship sail up a mountain on the big screen. Werner Herzog is a guy that we could all probably learn something from. He’s a man driven to tell stories, no matter the hardship. Filmmaking is his vocation he lives up to every ounce of that potential.
HERZOG BY THE BARREL-FULL! THREE MORE FLICKS BY THE MAESTRO WORTH CHECKING OUT
THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER (1974) KELVIN HO The duo of director Werner Herzog and actor Klaus Kinski has produced some of the greatest films ever in cinema. However, I believe the tandem of Herzog and Bruno S. is just as revelatory. Having made The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser and Stroszek together – the latter was created exclusively for Bruno after his obvious disappointment for being past up the promised lead role in Woyzeck to Kinski —I see these two as Herzog’s most empathetic films. Thanks in large part to Bruno’s presence. The former tells the story of Kaspar Hauser, a real historical figure in Germany who was locked up since infancy. In a bold career choice, Herzog casts Bruno, the son of a prostitute who was later placed in a mental institution, in the lead role. Both considered “outcasts” and “insane,” Bruno portrays Kaspar in an especially endearing manner. Under Herzog's hands, we never really perceive his characters as insane. Their sanity reveals our own madness.
MY BEST FIEND (1999) ALLEGRA RINGO I love My Best Fiend because it is Herzog at his Herzogiest—spewing poetic descriptions of insane events that may or may not have happened. Herzog is the perfect unreliable narrator, someone whose passion for storytelling just might be interfering with his recollections of Klaus Kinski’s 48-hour tantrums and affinity for throwing hot food into the faces of theater critics. It’s this passion, though, that makes Herzog so endlessly fascinating to listen to. I would be happy listening to him read menus, and listening to his accounts of his years of harrowing filmmaking experiences with Kinski is all the better. My Best Fiend gives Herzog the perfect space to be what he self-describes as “a storyteller.” What’s more, the film manages to be strangely heartwarming, culminating in fond memories and Herzog’s confession that he wishes he could still put his arm around Kinski.
LESSONS OF DARKNESS (1992) KELVIN HO Werner Herzog’s palette of films is so vast that people forget he is a master documentarian. But then again Herzog interprets his fiction films as his best documentaries and vice-versa. If you want a taste of his “non-fiction” work then I suggest Lessons of Darkness. An hour-long film about the Gulf War—without the usual CNN facts—Herzog’s poetic use of the camera captures the burning oil fields of Kuwait, firefighters battling with forces of nature, scorched landscapes, and melted edifices that resemble a Salvador Dali painting. Its dystopian semblance prompts Herzog to call it his “science-fiction” film. Intermingled with a score by Richard Wagner, LOD is a concentrated dose of Herzog’s genius.
ENTERTAINMENT
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
MUCH MORE DELIGHTFUL THAN THE WILD BUNCH LAURA AGUIRRE
W
here the Wild Things Are is a movie about a child that is not a children’s movie. Spike Jonze’s dark and imaginative adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things Are takes a subjective view of the world through Max played by Max Records. Chances are that you’ve probably read the nine sentences in Sendak’s beloved book, but Jonze’s film is different. Screenplay writers Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers aim to keep the story at a level of reality where Max runs away to the land where the wild things are, instead of having his room become the fantasy. Dressed in a wolf costume, Max makes his way into this fantasy island filled with giant muppets and declares himself a viking. An explorer. A king. He promises to keep them together and keep the sadness away, but Max soon learns that happiness isn’t always about having fun—because too much fun can turn out to be a disaster. The mixture of puppetry and CGI work together to enhance the muppets movements and facial expressions. There is a sense of realism in the film that is incredibly imaginative throughout the entire film; the novelty of these creatures never wears off. These monsters come with a backstory. They are complex and conflicted personalities. That’s where Jonze’s
real touch of genius lies—with the monsters who look like hipster versions of high school mascots. James Gandolfini plays the rambunctious leader, Carol, who becomes Max’s dearest friend. Catherine O’Hara plays the downer of the bunch, Judith, and Forest Whitaker is her mellow husband, Ira. Paul Dano takes on the role of Alexander, a goat muppet who no one pays attention to; Chris Cooper plays Carol’s right hand Douglas; and Lauren Ambrose is the hip KW. Jonze’s film is grounded and based in reality and this makes the line between fantasy and Max’s real world is very obscure. The photography is filmed like a wildlife documentary, which might rub off as grotesque and violent—because, well, that’s exactly what it is—grotesque and violent. You have this 9-year-old boy running around with giant muppets, and they’re running into trees, jumping on top of each other, throwing giant dirt balls at one another, and even tearing each other apart. I’m completely in love with this film. It’s all I want in a film—emotion with a hint of comedy. There’s never a dull moment. It’s one giant film filled with feeling and emotion. If you fear that your fond memory of the book will be overshadowed by Jonze’s version, rest assure that
this won’t happen. It doesn’t matter how big the muppets are or how small Max is next to them, this film is genius, a monsterpiece if you will. Where the Wild Things Are is an exploration of the mind and it pushes the limits of children’s imaginations while also venturing into the struggles of childhood.
4.5 out of 5 Andys!
with Donovan Nichols
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
ANDREW LEE* Photos
ANDY KNEIS
W
hat’s up TURKEYS?? It’s resident Cool Editor Andy Kneis, here to lay some serious stuff on you, so listen up. It’s about coolness, but I shouldn’t have to explain that. Step #1 to being cool: read in between the lines, a.k.a. pay attention, because I’m cool and am giving away my valuable secrets for the low price of picking up a newspaper. So I’m going to break it down for you dang turkey-ass chumps.
Cool Thing: Insults So you are a chump reading this and you don’t know how to be cool. Well! Just insult everyone around you and make them feel bad and they will be tricked into thinking you’re cool when you assert your dominance. In my lab I have been cooking up some exciting new ways to call people dumb. In test tubes and beakers and stuff, then the insults start bubbling over the top. It’s smart people only stuff! Here’s one: Call someone a turkey! Ha ha really funny every time so far. Here’s a new one: Hey, go back to your grandma’s house! A lame place. Cool. See ya in the next section.
Cool Thing: PARTIES Parties are the best place for a cool person to have the most fun and make everyone else look and feel like failures, because of their low capacity for fun. Go and scope out the party. Is there pizza? Go for it man! Alcohol and other dangerous substances? Better think twice buddy. What crowd are you running with anyway? The only drug mules at the party should be pictures of mules you can pin tails onto! The only alcoholics at the party should be a guy named Al Cohaul and he’s licking an ice cream!!! I like Rocky Road. Anyway, just survey the scene at the next party to see if it is a cool dude environment, also known as good clean fun! More like good ice cream fun! Save me a scoop! Ha ha ha thanks for reading so far.
Cool Thing: Attractive babes One of my favorite coolthings. When you finally become cool you will have to deal with attractive babes trying to smooch you and buy you expensive glasses of wine or bubble wine. Tell them to kiss your ear and back off! Respecting women is the coolest thing of all maybe, and no respectful gentleman would allow this kind of thing to happen. Next time an attractive woman is giving you an eye say, “Thanks, but no thanks honeybear, this one’s on me,” then you take her home at a reasonable hour. Women and babes are the greatest gift of the Earth and being nice to them is the least thing a cool dude can do. Also, I am talking about BABES and not BABIES. It is not cool to smooch a baby. Don’t even think about it, stud!!!
*Found Image
8
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
Cool Thing: babies Babies are just smaller people so that is funny and cool. Peace.
Cool Thing: dogs The word “dogs” sounds like “drugs,” but dogs are cooler. Check out a dog soon for some cool moves to try out. They are just partying nonstop. They don’t even have clothes on. They are wild!!! They have fur though, which is like clothes, so take the hint and don’t be naked. It’s the law.
Cool Thing: Clothes Any type of clothes is cool I guess, just as long as you’re wearing some! See the “Dogs” section to understand this joke and get big laughs. Pro-tip: Try something with buttons! Why not?
Cool Thing: tude This one is the most important, I’m not sure why I put it last though. If you learned anything so far you, probably would be fighting off girls who want to smooch you with a golden stick instead of reading this. Listen, you just have to cut off the beginning of most words to have cool ’tude. For example, above these words here I wrote ’tude instead of attitude! Check it out. Also, I’ve found it pretty effective to say ’ceps instead of biceps, because it sounds cool as heck. Also, it saves a lot of time, because I talk about ’ceps a lot. Or maybe try just putting apostrophes in front of ’important ’words. Attitude is all about words, I guess is what I’m trying to say, so just be kind of a jerk and then shorten a few words, so it looks like you’re more important then everyone else. Just talk like me, alright? That’s how you have cool attitude, you people should be getting this by now, this section is way too long.
Fine, that’s the end, I’m frustrated. Those are my words, like them or lump them! A cool attitude. I hope my advice or whatever I just typed can help you be a little better at life. No offense, but most people are really stinkin’ it up out there on the Earth. A cool insult!! You stink, go eat a hat stinker. Keep it real and keep it cool. Have a nice day, thanks for reading my feature.
MUSIC
MURS RULES AT THE HOUSE OF BLUES
SONGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL
COOL
IAN RANDOLPH ''Mind Your Own Business'' by The Delta 5 ''Something about having a fast hi-hat rhythm along with a sweet funk bass and hot sounding chicks singing over it is cool to me.'' -Clay Cooper ''Born to Run'' by Bruce Springsteen ''Because I imagine him singing the song to me. And if Bruce Springsteen is singing that song to me I am literally the coolest woman on the planet.'' -Caitlin Cutt ''Within Your Reach'' by The Replacements ''It sounds like you've made a decision to do something amazing and now you're just gonna do it. Without hesitation.'' -Rachel Rufrano ''Free Radicals'' by The Flaming Lips ''Because when Wayne Coyne says, 'You think you're so radical,' I think, 'You know what? Yeah. I am.''' -James Kislingbury
O
Illustration
n Friday October 9, 2009, history was made. A big number of fans were waiting in line at Downtown Disney in Anaheim for this monumental event. And no, it wasn’t because of Oktoberfest 2009, or an exhibit of Walt Disney’s chronogenically frozen corpse. It was because the one and only president of hip hop, Murs, was performing at the House of Blues. This concert, one of three college student infested areas he campaigned through (besides Santa Barbara and San Francisco for this weekend’s Treasure Island Festival) began with some teasers for rowdy fans ranging from hip hop heads to hipsters and sensitive thugs. As I waited in the crowd getting the scent of beer, perfume, and sometimes blueberry kush, I had the feeling that Murs would be welcome with open arms and open hands. Starting at 9pm, the show curtains opened up with a quite comical voice with a hint of Kat Williams announcing Murs and the rest of his lyrical lineup during the show. The first group, Orange County hip hop group known as Brothers Next Door, proved to be a worthy opener for the magnificent Murs. With the home field advantage the four member group, which consisted of Lwise, Equal, Ashley B, and Kevin, displayed their above-and-beUNION WEEKLY
yond skills on the mic. With the help of a lovely female DJ by the name of Michelle Q they had the crowd hyped up and inspired to take hip hop from the ‘burbs to the buroughs. They elicited A-Tribe-Called-Quest-vibe as two out of the four man team wore New York hats paying respect to the origin of hip hop. With high energy and cuts from their Recession Vol.1 album they made sure they weren’t just another group of suburban hip hoppers rebeling against their social upbringing and I have the free shirt to prove it. After Brothers Next Door’s showcase, Murs came out for a minute just to see how the fans were holding up. Even though he was in Orange County he made sure that people knew not to get it twisted on where he was from. “I know we in Orange County, but I don’t give a fuck! Dodgers all the way!” Referring to his hometown team, I don’t think it was the smartest thing to say when in the House of Angels. With a couple of laughs and a lot boos the proud fans still showed their gratitude of his presence by chanting out his name throughout the entire show. The next group that performed was my personal favorite opener of the night, the two man wrecking crew Verbs and Intuition. Playing for my
19 OCTOBER 2009
RACHEL RUFRANO
resting place Culver City, Los Angeles, the ebony and ivory odd couple kept all eyes on them the entire performance. From one of the feel good hip hop songs of ’09 “Touch the Moon” to the Alaskan-turned-LA rapper Intuition’s tribute to the American Dirtbag in “Al Bundy,” Mur’s proteges made names for themselves and became the Blues Brothers of the night. Stopping mid-song, Verbs and Intuition gave Murs his proper introduction to the stage. Standing 5’7” with Gumby-like dreads and an experienced beard, the living legend himself gave a knockout performance. His show took you through a journey through his three most recent and classic albums and ended with an oldie-but-goodie and a little bit of new material. Some of the best news of the night was his announcement that he and producer/ BFF 9th Wonder’s collaboration on a third album, Fornever, which is due out soon. Fans went wild and I pissed myself. Not only that he ended off the show with two never-before-heard versions of his classic sob song “First Love” and new headbanger “Madhouse.” By the end of the show he was topless and ready to embrace the screaming cheers and whistling by the crowd he had given his all. Friday night, history was made. Hip hop was reborn!
''Where the River Flows'' by Collective Soul ''Because it sounds like this...'' [Matt turns on the song and starts playing air guitar.] ''Collective Soul... way underrated.'' -Matt Dupree ''Jean Genie'' by David Bowie or ''The Slider'' by T. Rex ''Both are songs made for strutting like the cock of the walk. Most 70s glam can make anyone feel like the guardian of Coolsville.'' -Alan Passman ''It Girl'' by Brian Jonestown Massacre ''Because if you play it just as you start your car with your windows down and ride away you feel like a getaway driver!'' -Daniel Noguierias ''Turnstile Blues'' by Autolux ''Just put that song on and you'll know what I'm talking about. Song makes me feel like a badass.'' -Sean Boulger ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' by AC/DC ''Because I can turn it up ridiculously loud and sing along.'' -Erin Hickey ''Third Stone from the Sun'' by Jimi Hendrix ''Because there's no one on Earth cooler than Hendrix.'' -Jenny Long ''Spottieottiedopaliscious'' by Outkast ''Because it makes me feel like I was born in Atlanta, Georgia and I never have to wear a t-shirt.'' -Kevin O'Brien
MUSIC
WHEN FILM AND MUSIC COLLIDE THEY MAKE SWEET, SWEET MONTAGES
(SOMETIMES)
RACHEL RUFRANO & CAITLIN CUTT
A
h, the movie montage. The ability to fast-forward through a relationship and only have to see the good times. The ability to sweat through weeks of strenuous training in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, life isn’t structured anything like a movie—the good times are jumbled in with the bad times and nobody moves in slow-mo—which is probably why a good montage feels so... good. Originally, the movie montage was an act of desperation: Soviet Russia was fresh out of film stock in the 1920s and had to resort to using old film reels and footage to create something new. Ninety years later and it seems that montages are everywhere. In any case, somewhere between Soviet Russia and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days we mastered the art of mixing two minutes of music with two minutes of film. Thus, giving viewers works of goosebump-inducing movie montage genius. We’ve compiled a list of our personal favorites, in no particular order:
CINEMA PARADISO (1988) Montage Song: Score by Ennio Morricone It’s the montage of all montages. If you haven’t seen it, I really don’t want to say anything because I’d be ruining the entire movie for you. What I will say is that it’s absolutely the most beautiful montage ever made and the score is by Ennio Morricone. This montage is a gauge for good people: If you don’t cry when you watch it, you don’t have a soul.
VALLEY GIRL (1983) Montage Song: “Melt With You” by Modern English
Sure she’s a Valley Girl, and yeah he’s from Hollywood, but between all the food fights, flirting, and photobooth moments, we all see why Nic Coppola (he wasn’t Nicolas Cage yet) and that valley girl (Deborah Forman never did anything after) make a tubular LA love story.
ROYAL TENENBAUMS (2001) Montage Song: “Hey Jude” by The Mutato Muzika Orchestra Against the backdrop of a static, joyless childhood, what song better encapsulates what a dysfunctional family looks like?
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE TRAILER (2009) Montage Song: “Wake Up” - The Arcade Fire I know what you’re thinking. This is a movie preview, yes. But “Wake Up” is a song warning children never to grow up against a movie about the inevitability of doing exactly that. The song actually completes telling us what the movie is about in a way that no other song would be capable of doing.
GOODFELLAS (1990) Montage Song: “Jump Into the Fire” by Harry Nilsson, “Memo from Turner” by The Rolling Stones, “Magic Bus” by The Who, “What Is Life” by George Harrison, “Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters This is not a montage in the definition we’re used to. This is a montage of songs in clips alternating over one scene. It’s jumpy and frantic; perfectly suited for a scene involving coke-induced paranoia.
THE GODFATHER (1972)
EVERY ROCKY FILM
Montage Song: “Passacaglia and Fugue in C minor” by Bach It’s really hard, actually, it’s impossible to say anything new about how fucking great the end of The Godfather is. Michael Corleone goes to the mattresses, violently eliminating the heads of the five families (except him obviously), and attends his nephew’s Christening at the same time. Crashing between brutal murder and an adorable baby, we all witness Michael’s ascension to Godfatherhood.
Montage Song: There are a few (okay, eleven, to be exact) If we made a list of great movie montages without including every single Rocky movie ever made, it would be like coming to school without our pants on. Each Rocky film follows the montage rules, and fulfills the impossible dream of getting in really good shape in a matter or minutes. Fuck you Bowflex!
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
LITERATURE OH BABY MAKE IT HERZOG-GOOD! YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA JAMES KISLINGBURY
T
he Conquest of the Useless, while written by director Werner Herzog during the production of his Fitzcarraldo, isn't a memoir or the production history of a film and, to its detriment, it contains very little commentary from Herzog looking back on the production. Rather it's a collection of (seemingly) unedited diary entries made between the years 1979 and 1980. Often there are sizeable gaps in his entries either because he was consumed with filmmaking or, in one case, his journals fell victim to jungle termites. These gaps in information and Werner Herzog's grim, idiosyncratic way of looking at the world all add up to a diary that is, as Herzog himself described the book, a “fever dream,” though that seems to be a fairly accurate reflection of a movie with such a strained production period. There's no narrative and you'd have to hunt for any entries that even tangentially reference filmmaking. This isn't exactly terrible, because the actual making of the film has been detailed in Les Blank's documentary The Burden of Dreams. This lack is actually the strength of the book.
Herzog is free to pick up on the little details of the production, things a normal makingof story would leave out. Things like the ski-jumper Steiner, a slaughtering block covered in blood and chicken feathers, a news story about two men lost in the North African desert, or him inexiblicably writing, “Scram, you ghosts!” Fun stuff like this doesn't redeem the book entirely, but it turns what might have been a completely mundane filming day into some kind of deranged, meterless poem. It's appropriate that the first entry in the book is about Herzog's stay at fellow director Francis Ford Coppola's house, because thinking about this book reminded me of something Coppola said about his own troubled epic, Apocalypse Now. He told them, “It isn't a movie about Vietnam, it was Vietnam.” In that way, this isn't a book about the filming of a boat being pulled up a mountain, it is a boat being pulled up a mountain. And it's every bit as delirious, confusing, and exhausting as moving up a mountain without actually having to leave your living room. There's two lessons to be pulled from
the book (or, three, really, which would be: if you're ever in a troubled production in the middle of some God-forsaken jungle, make sure to keep a diary so you can get paid twice). The first is that your dream, no matter how difficult, is something worth striving towards. It might take years, millions of dollars, being alienated from your family, a border war, and two plane crashes, but nothing is impossible. The second is the importance of language. When Herzog was sealed away in the Amazon, he didn't seek solace in music or booze, but in language. He kept from going insane by reading and writing, which is as good of a lesson as any for an aspiring storyteller to hear. Even if you don't particularly care for Herzog or for filmmaking, there's still something to be gleened from this book. If you're browsing through the library and you happen to come upon The Conquest of the Useless, give it a gander, it won't take you long to finish an entry. There's something to be found in every single one of these entries, even if it is only some mad German film-maker ranting about parrots screaching for the release of death.
THE OTHER-OTHER SIDE OF DEXTER A THINK PIECE, ABOUT A MID-RANGE SERIAL KILLER LEO PORTUGAL The loveable serial killer of Showtime’s Dexter is back. Dexter by Design, the latest in Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter novels, brings more of Dexter’s brand of bloodshed and dark humor. The differences between the novels and the show are a good reason for fans of one to possibly check out the other. There’s plenty of killer fun to be had. While the first novel, Darkly Dreaming Dexter, and the first season share many similarities, the two different timelines take place in parallel universes, pitting Dexter against different foes. Where some characters are mutilated and killed in one universe, they happen to survive in the other. The one constant in both universes, and the reason they both work so well, is Dexter himself. Lindsay has crafted a character that is eerily likeable, despite being homicidal. Dexter maintains his secret identity as a vigilante serial killer, living behind a mask UNION WEEKLY
of manufactured charm and emotion that he uses to appear normal, and to be liked by his peers. In Dexter by Design, readers are shown what's behind this mask, peering into Dexter’s world of dark thoughts—dark loveable thoughts. At an avant-garde art exhibit, displaying video loops of a woman mutilating her own flesh, surrounded by shocked and terrified museum-goers, Dexter remains blasé, thinking, “Why bother inflicting enormous pain on yourself when sooner or later life would certainly get around to doing it for you?” And while Dexter’s wife prepares soup to make him feel better, Dexter wonders whether or not the maniac who had just attempted to end Dexter’s life had anyone to bring him soup. “I hope not—I was starting to dislike him,” Dexter thinks, “and he certainly didn’t deserve soup.” Dexter’s feelings about the man who
19 OCTOBER 2009
just tried to kill him? He shouldn’t get soup. Well, that and he should be ritualistically murdered, in the way that Dexter ritualistically murders people deemed to be evil. But he definitely does not deserve soup in the time leading up to his death! A read of the first few chapters will give the reader a good idea of what to expect. Lindsay’s writing style and brand of humor remains constant throughout, and is certainly not for everybody. And speaking of that, just a note for the squeamish, the gore does get toned down quite a bit after the second chapter. So, whether explicit descriptions of blood and guts are a turn-off, or a turn-on, if you’re sick like that, they are fewer and farther between later in the novel. Although the ending feels rushed, with Dexter in the driver’s seat, Dexter by Design, provides the reader with an enjoyable ride.
SPOOKY SHORT STORY CONTEST
TRY TO SCARE US IN 300 WORDS OR LESS! Okay, I bet you’re wondering how you, a young college writer can scare readers of the Union Weekly in under 300 words. Well, you’re a writer, so figure it out. When you do, email me (the lit editor) at caitlincutt.union@gmail.com. Oh, and if you win, Andy will deeply love you for at least three hours. That’s a lot considering how much cooler he is than you. Just saying. Oh, and we’ll put it in the paper.
CULTURE andy kneis simone & rufrunkel Ruminating on: Medieval Music
This is Andy’s cool hair. You can’t replicate this. You have to be born with it. Sorry.
by Simone Harrison and Rachel Rufrano Simone: What ever happened to Medieval music? Rufrunkel: Yeah, I don’t know. It’s so timeless but it’s gotten lost between the cracks in contemporary society, I think. S: I don’t think the lords and ladies of this generation really understand that everything they’re listening to is completely ripped off from the medieval period. R: “Heartless” by Kanye West is basically “Ex Ejus Tumba.” S: Exactly! Exactly. The voice of this generation doesn’t need to be another Bob Dylan. What we need is another Adam de St. Victor! R: Yes, I much prefer the Ars Antiqua of the High Medieval period to blues or country or hip-hop. I just don’t understand how no one realizes that the music of that time speaks so effectively to our society today. S: In this recession we are all serfs. Bruce Springsteen can’t even speak to the working class as well as the Goliards of the 1300s. R: Yes, take the lute for example. Imagine what Hendrix could have done with one of those bad babies. S: I can tell you right now, as a matter of fact, m’lady. Because of its limited use of melody; the singular time signatures; and let us not forget, the lack of percussion. R: Ew! Percussion! S: Eeeew! [Simone flails her hands around] R: But in all seriousness, it is our duty to raise Ars Antiqua from the depths of obscurity and reveal its wildly provocative nature to the modern world at large! S: Yes! Let’s do it, we SHALL! R: HaaaaAAAAHAAAYAAAAAAA!! S: YAAAAAAAHH! HAAH!! [Simone and Rufrunkel gnaw ravenously at a juicy leg of mutton and clink goblets of rot!!!!]
Andy’s favorite t-shirt is a dark gray t-shirt. He likes to keep things simple and classic; the subtle wrinkles add an effortlessness not many can pull off.
Andy is nothing without his sneakers—“Without them,” he says, “my feet would get dirty, and wet, if it rains.” Functional and inexpensive, Andy’s sneakers have started a trend— even Vans made a knock off!
I
first met Andy at a party, when I noticed a crowd of hip, young college girls batting their lashes at an alarmingly cool musician sitting in the corner, playing his guitar. I didn’t dare come near him, as the magnitude of his coolness was too strong for me to even try and conquer, even after a few beers—sigh. For our special issue on Mr. Cool himself, Andy and I chatted on the important things in life: clothes, Luna bars, and rugged stubble. I can barely keep my panties on thinkin’ about it! -Kathy Miranda, Culture Editor Union Weekly: What are you wearing right now? Andy Kneis: Pants and underpants and shirt and shoes. Now that’s culture! Does rugged stubble count as something I’m wearing? Add that one too. UW: Boxers or briefs or free-ball? AK: I wear boxer-briefs and then also my balls are free underneath. The best of every world you mentioned. UW: What kind of pajamas do you wear? AK: I have some old high school mesh shorts that I am fond of to sleep in. Underpants underneath also. Wow there’s a lot of talk about underwear already, this page should be rated R. Fashion is all about the clothes you wear underneath clothes. UW: Do you sleep with your socks on at night? AK: Absolutely. It’s like my feet are being hugged nonstop.
Andy’s look isn’t complete without your classic Wayfarer sunglasses. The $5 kind, of course. It’s good to save money, we’re in a crisis right now, remember?!
Andy’s pants are specially tailored to his figure. They’re a light brown color in a special “sneakercut” fit. The pants pretty much make the outfit.
“I get most of my cool moves from dogs.” -Andy Kneis UW: Do you prefer cereal or bacon in the morning? AK: I go for cereal usually or maybe just a Luna bar to give me energy. So what if there’s girls on the front of the bar a guy can enjoy one too. UW: What color is your favorite shirt? AW: I like a shirt I have that is just all dark gray. I’m not confident enough to wear shirts with things on them but it’s a little smaller so people can see I’m not fat. Fashion!! UW: What’s your approach when it comes to “casual couture?” AK: My approach to those words is the same as my approach to life: pretty cool. UW: How do you achieve such a sexy, unruffled style? AK: Hmm I’m not sure what that last adjective means but I get most of my cool moves from dogs so that might be the answer you’re looking for. UW: What’s your take on fashion in general? If we didn’t have clothes then a lot of people would be breaking the law so I have to hand it to fashion for making clothes possible. Thanks guys. UW: Lastly, all the ladies want to know: What are you doing this Friday? AK: I’m not even sure, I just ride along in life like I’m skateboarding on a wave (see cover for example), who knows what I’ll be doing next! Everyone is invited to ride along on this wave of life with me, including ladies that enjoy poorly constructed similes! See ya around. UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
CREATIVE ARTS
Photo ELIZABETH RENTERIA UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
COMICS
The Kids Are Alright by Ken C.
Garage Sketchbook by elisa
EASY
http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/
MEDIUM Operation Panda World Domination by Fox
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
jointheoperation@yahoo.com
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Metatextual AND practical. Send feedback to: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or leave comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
penguin.incarnate@gmail.com
EASY
Drunken Penguin Comics by James Kislingbury
MEDIUM
ANSWERS
UNION WEEKLY
19 OCTOBER 2009
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Cold Fart! Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“I jerk off to the jokes.”
Volume 65 Issue 8
Monday, October 19th, 2009
Heroic Ticketing Officer Solves Campus Budget Crisis
Parking Services Officer, Donald Uzelac (above) posing next to a recent day’s work of ruining lives.
BY ACID SNACKHAUS LONG BEACH, CA – Officer Donald Uzelac (who should not be confused with an actual law enforcement officer) received a commendation from CSULB president F. King Alexander for giving out enough parking tickets to effectively solve all of the university’s financial problems. “I didn’t do it for the commendations, the paltry salary, or the near-universal hatred of the campus; I did it because I love to,” said Uzelac as he began his 30minute acceptance speech. “And because I literally have nothing better to do with my life.” At last count, Uzelac had given
out approximately 343,900 tickets all over campus and even in some local student hang-outs, making sure that anyone who refused to pay the increasing parking fees would be subjected to even more ridiculous tickets. “If I see a Go Beach sticker and no parking pass, I consider that ticketable. In fact, if I see a car unattended on campus that I don’t see a current parking permit on, I’ll write it up no matter what.” Of particular note is Uzelac’s ability to catch students parking on weekends during extremely late hours when the campus and parking services are closed. “All my friends and family stopped taking my calls years ago when
they heard about my job. So now I eat, sleep, and live in the parking services golf cart. I hope to die in it some day soon. I haven’t changed my clothes in months.” Students and faculty tend to have a different opinion of Uzelac, however. “God, what an asshole,” said sophomore Paul Mickelson. “I was dropping off my friends at their dorm one night and somehow he gave me a ticket. I didn’t even turn the engine off!” Uzelac claims that any car that is slowed enough to allow passengers to exit safely is subject to parking regulations so his tickets were valid (technically he cited Mickelson twice, the second ticket for rolling through another parking space as he exited the lot). “What are they going to do, contest the tickets? That’s such a waste of time most people just pay the ticket to avoid the hassle. Have you ever seen how slow they go at the Parking office? It’s like they’re hibernating.” Uzelac claims that despite students’ accusations that he’s a pathetic tyrant clinging to his last quantum of power, he’s actually keeping the campus safe. “We parking officers are the first line of defense for this campus. We’re also the third line, we’re crucial. That’s why I keep a gun with me. They told me not to, but I do it anyway.”
LBUNION.COM
Area Father Points Out Where He Was Born, Again BY TANGERINE BALLS
so much excitement and warmth. It was amazing.” He paused for half a minute before looking at his daughter to say, “Actually, you know what? I think I’m gonna get off the freeway, I wanna show you this place. I think you’ll really like it in there.” Cooper then proceeded to drive his daughter to the hospital and arrived barely able to contain himself, “Come on out of the car honey, I’m gonna show you something really neat.” He continued, “Come on, we don’t have all day.” Henry looked at his daughter lovingly and patted her on the shoulder before walking into the hospital. They went inside, and Henry walked up to the front desk, looked at the receptionist, and with the faintest twinkle of a tear in his eye, said, “Which way to the maternity ward? I want to show my daughter where her father was born.”
CAMARILLO, CA – Late last week, during a daytime drive from Fullerton to Camarillo, local father Henry Copper once again pointed out the Downey hospital where he was born to his daughter Clarissa. “Hey, look over there. Do you see that? That’s the hospital I was born in. Good ol’ Downey Regional Medical Center,” Copper said with a certain air of nostalgia. “Boy, I remember it like it was yesterday.” Copper then continued to ramble on for what seemed like the hundredth time. “Every time we pass that offramp, he goes off on a tangent about his birth,” said daughter Clarissa, “I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he doesn’t remember that he’s already told me, or the fact that he thinks he can actually remember being born.” “I’ll never forget the look on that nurse’s face when I came, crying, out of my mother’s vagina,” Mr. Copper continued. “I just remember this immediate brightness and then all of a sudden this face looking down at me. I can’t remember what anybody was say- Henry Copper (left) points out the window of the hospital room ing, but there was where he supposedly “remembers” leaving his mother’s womb.
INSIDE
Women’s Studies Class Fails to Get Man Laid Kinesiology major Rob Tomowski was disappointed this past Spring semester when his Women’s Studies course failed to deliver him with any tail. “I figured, prime hunting grounds, right? Wrong! None of these biddies wanted to get frisky with me. None. Nada. Non grata,” Tomowski commented on a Facebook note. “Shit was gay. Highly gay. HG, if you will.” No word as of yet as to how his apprenticeship at the mortuary turned out. PAGE HG
Guy Has Screenplay “Yeah. It’s pretty good, not to toot my own horn,” said Arthur De Witte, 21, from behind the counter at Blockbuster Video. “Pretty much I’ve been working on it since high school. More or less. You should read it some time.” When prodded he said that it wasn’t “quite polished enough.” When asked what the plot of his screenplay was, De Witte responded with “No comment,” but we’re certain that his title Timeosaurs: Return of the Monsteroids is more telling than he wants to admit. PAGE 8H2
Critics Gush Over Menstral Show PAGE TSS