ISSUE 65.09 CROW TYRANT
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Editor-in-Chief
RAGEFUL RUFRANO
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Managing Editor
DAY OF THE COOPER
“Heed the Word of the Lord, or the dead will rise again possessed by demons, and ye who are unclean shall be damned forever and ever in eternal fire!” -Reverend John Hicks, Night of the Living Dead (1968)
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Managing Editor
SOMEBONES HARRISON simone.union@gmail.com Opinions Editor
SKELETON O’DYING
JOE VERSUS SPECTRAL TERRORS
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News Director
ANGRY BEAST
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Sports Editor
CAITLINFECTED CUT caitlincutt.union@gmail.com Literature Editor & PR
JAMES A. KISLINGBURY jamesk.union@gmail.com
LETTERS FROM THE BEYOND
Entertainment Editor & PR
RAGEFUL RUFRANO
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Music Editor & PR
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
FABELA LUGOSI
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Creative Arts Editor
CONSTRICTOR MAMBA victorpc.union@gmail.com Comics Editor
PSYCHOPATHY MIRANDA kathym.union@gmail.com Culture Editor
LICK A. DICK
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Grunion Editor
DAY OF THE COOPER Art Director
DEATH GHOUL Cover
ZOMBEEF
On-Campus Distribution
PSYCHOPATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
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JOE BRYANT
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Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, JEFF GOULD, SEAN BOULGER, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, CHRISTINE NOH, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, CHELSEA STEVENS, KEN CHO, ERIC LOPEZ, JOHN YANG, ELIZABETH RENTERIA, ELISE McCUTCHEN, MONA KOZLOWSKI, HILLARY CANTU, MAY ZIMMERMAN, MIGUEL TRINIDAD, LEO PORTUGAL, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, AARON KOSAKA, ELISA TANAKA, ANDREW LEE, LEO PORTUGAL, IAN RANDOLPH, JASMINE GAGNIER
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. Some of this week’s news may have been exaggerated to the point of fiction. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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big shout out to Chris Fabela for always giving me a cool look for this column. I’m gonna be honest—I have no idea what to be for Halloween. I was actually thinking of going as zombie Flyboy from the original Dawn of the Dead, but makeup seems like such a hassle. Then I was thinking of going as Lady Gaga, but I was just shown an opinion piece in this week’s issue which says that’s a bad idea. What’s a guy to do? Panic, I guess. Halloween is swiftly approaching and my roommates and I decided to make costumes mandatory for our party. Will my roomies kick me out of my own party? If I don’t think of a feasible costume quick, I’m gonna find out. This week we got two emails from some campus ghosts (for more about actual ghosts at CSULB, flip over to page 10). Let’s take a look-see. I cannot believe how insensitive you
are, Mr. Bryant. Do you have any idea how hard it is for ghosts to hold newspapers? I tried to read the Union last week and I just ended up flinging a stack of issues around in a cyclone and freaking out some Engineering students. How hard is it to just staple each page up to a wall individually for those of us who are corporeally challenged? You may say, “Well, we’ve got it online,” but how many ghosts do you know with a computer? Or a job? Or fingers? You’re an ass.
IMPOSSIBLE to find parking for my ghost car. I paid 200 ghost dollars for that permit and it’s practically useless. My ghost books are just outrageously expensive and I barely even need them. Some ‘body’ should do something about it, and fast. I’ve already spent half of my ghost loan. I shouldn’t even have to take out a ghost loan with all of these furlough days. The only solace I find is in reading this newspaper over living students’ shoulders as I can’t actually hold something in my ghost hands.
Look, I don’t know what to tell you, anonymous spirit guy. You’re dead. I’m pretty sure you signed away your right to peruse the printed medium the moment you were let loose of your mortal coil, so get off my sack.
This reads like a ghost-written 49er article (pun!)—what with the bitching about parking and all that. Think outside the box. Regardless, thanks for the praise and hey, that first ghost could learn a thing or two from you.
I’ve been a ghost here at CSULB for a whole semester now, and I’ve got a few observations I’d like to share. First of all. it is
Who better to get advice from/complain to than some guy you don’t know? Send all emails to: joeb.union@gmail.com
HORRORSCOPES SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Congratulations! This time of year favors you, and not only will you get a super deluxe crop this Halloween, but you’ll also have the best costume at every party you go to. Rock on. SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 This month you should really focus on your reading. Grab a fashion magazine, Amtrak brochure, drug addiction pamphlet—just read something. If you don’t, you might die. CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 Your planetary alignment is all caddywompus, and it looks like a loved one will be stricken with H1N1, and then you’ll get polio somehow. AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Solar wind has picked up this month, increasing the planetary drift between Venus and Saturn. Watch out for your
Ask Away!
SEAN BOULGER FULL MOON EDITOR
hair catching on fire. Trust me. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 Your energies are tied in knots because you cheated on a lover in a past life. Sorry, there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t be surprised if all the meat in your fridge goes bad next Wednesday. ARIES March 21-April 19 In a year’s time, you’ll enjoy a spot of financial success, but in between now and then I would avoid anything involving the stock market and/or alcohol. TAURUS April 20-May 20 You are tenacious and perseverant, but if you, your dog, and your rag-tag gang of detective friends stumble upon any suspicious activity this time of year, best keep shit to yourselves. GEMINI May 21-June 21 Your libido is rising as a result of the Western Star’s pull on Jupiter’s Fifth
Moon. You need to give anybody with red hair a wide berth. Just trust me. CANCER June 22-July 22 You’ve got cancer. Happy Halloween. LEO July 23-Aug 22 Avoid the zoo this month. Try starting a new project, because your current interests aren’t doing anything to develop your talents. At all. VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 This is an important month to avoid projecting your insecurities on extended family members. Unless you want to systematically alienate every one of your cousins, mind your P’s and Q’s. LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 Things are going to change this month. The angels that hold Saturn’s rings in place are flapping their wings extra hard and you’re going to injure yourself horribly. UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
BOOPINIONS NO MORE TRICK OR TREATING
HALLOWEEN HAS BECOME AN ADULT SORT OF HOLIDAY MICHAEL VEREMANS
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UNION STAFFER
remember when I was a kid, hitting the streets with a plastic pumpkin, dressed like whatever my parents scrounged up for me, laughing while trading bullshit snickers to friends for boats of Nerds. Halloween and I were on the first leg of a two-week sugar binge. At the onset of middle school, I would dress up during the day, but the evening was spent indoors, away from the streets—All Hallows Eve began to lose its luster. With Halloween a week away, I check my Facebook events list and everything seems to be happening on the 31st, parties and raves, bringing us once again out to celebrate the night. I don’t know if I only saw it that way because I got older and trick-or-treating was not so socially acceptable, or if the constant news stories about gangs and serial killers in the streets hitting kids with their Hummers were actually working. My little brother really didn’t go out and when he did, my mom would drive him to specific neighborhoods that “had more candy.” By the end of high school it seemed like Halloween was a distant tradition and the
Illustration
BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER
only way you’d know it was going on was the change in TV programming. Then I turned 18. I have to say here, I started to party on Halloween, hard. Innocuous enough, the worlds of los muertos opened up to me, drunk and stumbling, in a near naked “costume,” to or from a party, or maybe chugging Boon’s Farm in WeHo while the trannies and wannabe trannies amble by in the tallest of high heels. Far from disappearing, pumpkin day has simply adapted to a new type of celebration—party people at night hitting the streets again with candy in their hands, resuscitating the still warm body of Halloween. Don’t let the 31st catch you dressed as a candyholic, sitting on your couch and scarfing down fun-sized butterfingers that come in the 2 for $5 bags at Rite Aid, wrapper and all, while terrified trick-or-treaters stare at you through your open door. The roster of Halloween events has been growing every year and this year, two of the biggest raves in the nation are taking place in Los Angeles. Dominating the scene of cross-faded
downright ghoulishness is Monster Massive, where the only candy in sight are 100,000 infernal dancers consuming alcohol and E. Hard Halloween may be as disappointing as its summer predecessor, but at a half capacity of around 5,000, it should go off on a softer note. Don’t forget to dress up on your Frankenstein night of debauchery—maybe Halloween is your chance to try out furry sex without too much awkward preparation.
After all, Halloween started as a sort of Fall carnival, breaking away from the oppressive formalism of the Catholic Church. It wasn’t until socialists banned child labor that kids started to enjoy a night of masks and now the porch lights are on for some at the best parties, in apartments or stadiums, in bars or on the street. However you choose to worship the persistence of death, be sure to give it a little bit of “fuck yeah” for the holiday of holy subversion.
LADY BALLOON MARMALADE ON WHAT WE’RE GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN LEO PORTUGAL & LAURA AGUIRRE CONTRIBUTORS
ON LADY GAGA Laura: It’s a pretty good idea to dress like Lady Gaga because she’s always in character. Leo: It’s like Halloween every day for her. Laura: Exactly. You could just pick one of her outfits that she’s had a picture taken of. Leo: All your friends could be Lady Gaga! Laura: Yeah, we could all be different types of Gagas! Like some of us could go blonde, or throw on a huge bow. Leo: Or just have little bubbles covering your body. Once, I wrote lyrics for a song that mention Lady Gaga. It went a little like this, “A meteor burning up lit the sky, but you missed it, talking about how you thought Lady Gaga is kind of a guy.” On the Balloon Boy Leo: Did you see that there’s a Balloon Boy Halloween costume kit for sale online? It’s pretty much just a balloon on a string and it comes with a nametag that says the boy’s name, “Falcon.” It’s a little funny that UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
Illustration
BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER
some guy crafted this ridiculous costume to poke fun at the ridiculousness of how big the Balloon Boy story got. Laura: Another year, another hoax. On OUR COSTUMES FOR THIS YEAR Leo: I’m going to be Flapjack, from The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack, because I believe he and I are simpático, because of our shared bright-eyed optimism and quirkiness. Laura: That suits you. You are very quirky, especially with those glasses you wear around. I want to be a million things. I’m so indecisive, all the time. Leo: I know. You’ve told me that you want to be Lady Gaga and Snow White, though you deny wanting to be Snow White despite multiple witnesses testifying otherwise. You’ve also said that you might be Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. Laura: I could pull off Bellatrix. I can pull off crazy. Leo: I buy that. I think that’s awesome. I support all things Harry Potter. I wear
Potter-esque glasses, own a wand, and played the role of Hermione in my theater class. All of that is kind of embarrassing and makes me sound like I like Harry Potter a lot more than I really do. On our past costumes Laura: I’ve been Jasmine from Aladdin, a ’60s photographer, the supermodel Twiggy and before that I really never celebrated Halloween. Leo: I’ve been Peter Pan, Batman, a ninja, Darth Vader, a nun, a bear and Fred from Scooby Doo. Laura: Judging by those costumes I want to say you’re like a good girl gone bad, or at least transitioning. You started off very heroic and then with the nun costume you probably went in knowing you would piss off some people at your school (which was a Catholic school, mostly taught by nuns). Leo: You can learn some things about a person based on what they’ve dressed up as for Halloween.
NEWS KANISKI REVISITED A LITTLE KNOWN LONG BEACH SERIAL KILLER KEVIN O’BRIEN
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NEWS DIRECTOR
resented for your continued edification and perhaps your cryptic enjoyment, a renewed portrait of a mad man. The subject is one Walter C. Kaniski, a man perhaps, possibly a monster, but certainly a murderer. The story was first broken, or unearthed would be a more apt description, by an intrepid young reporter for the Union Weekly, Joe Bryant. It was October of 2008, just one year ago when Joe, then only a lowly Entertainment Editor out of his depth and far away from home, wiped away his tears, sweat and vomit, and put the pen to the page to break the story. And what a story it would be. It all started in 1966 when Walter C. Kaniski counted himself among the students at this very school, California State University Long Beach. He played on our now defunct football team, an all-American wide receiver, number 86. However this was not the extent of his service. Three years later in 1969, his athletic talents were put to another use, equally as necessary, but far more sinister; the war in Vietnam. Deep in the jungle, he served two torturous tours, until he was finally discharged with full honors in 1971 after re-
ceiving severe physical and mental wounds, apparently from shrapnel. After returning home he spent his days heavily medicated in the Long Beach Veterans Medical Center, where he grew close to an interning medical student Diane. Their relationship grew over the years he spent there, until one night in 1974 when she decided to flout the rules, free her friend from his sedation, and together they attended a CSULB football game. At some point during the game, Kaniski walked out onto the field, possibly having a delusion of his past greatness, triggered by his old turf. Diane followed him out onto the field in an attempt to retrieve him, when suddenly she was tragically and accidentally tackled by a linebacker Alan Fisher. Her neck broken, she died immediately. Kaniski disappeared shortly thereafter and a search was conducted by the local authorities, but it was to no avail. That was that, until one year later on the anniversary of the game in which Diane was killed and Kaniski vanished, Alan Fisher disappeared. His corpse was discovered the next day on the 20 yard line, apparently stabbed to death.
The authorities put the pieces together, it was Kaniski getting revenge for the death of his friend, frantically the police began to search for Kaniski, again to no avail. December 22, 1975 Kaniski struck the 49er football team again this time killing Ted Haplin. He was found carved to pieces on the same 20 yard line as his teammate Fisherman. Over the years the murders continued, being reported but never being officially attributed to Kaniski, a crippling fear had taken hold of the community. The latest and presumably final incident occurred in February 11, 1990 when Kaniski viciously attacked the entire 49er football team in a locker room assault. He brutally murdered two police officers and 12 members of the 49er football team with a pickaxe. He was then pursued by authorities to North Campus where he sought refuge in a building that once stood where the Walter Pyramid does now. They burned it down to
the ground, in an attempt to cleanse the city of Long Beach of this murderous mad man. The CSULB football team was disbanded. The campus lay burning. Long Beach had been scarred. No one knows whether Kaniski was purged in those fateful fires, sightings are still reported to this day. All that can be said, in truth, is that Walter C. Kaniski lived, he killed, and he may still be at large. Recently there have been rumblings within the Long Beach homelesss population about the return of Kaniski. A few have come forward claiming to have seen a man wearing a tattered Long Beach football jersey, walking down city drainage canals. Others have reported seeing Kaniski in various parks downtown. These rumors have never been substaintiated, however they have also never been denied by the police, because they have not been addressed at all.
ADVENT OF THE WORLD POLICE NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN UNION STAFFER
There is a spooky specter in modern politics it goes by many names, The New World Order, The Empire, and Beelzebub, that last one is a lie, but in this age of globalization, many are gravely concerned with the idea of a world government. The idea of a world government is an old one and alarmists have sighted the Bible and Nostradamus as predictors of this ghoulish fate. Naturally the United Nations is often assailed for its resemblance to a seat of demonic world governing power. To make matters worse, the UN Police force (UNPOL) along with INTERPOL have been making headlines lately for recent changes to their mission statement promising greater emphasis on law and order. Conspiracy theorists see this as a move of power by the nefarious UNPOL to expand their control ever tighter, especially in developing nations like Haiti and Venezuela, however before condemning the change in direction by UNPOL it should be noted that the UN gets as much criti-
cism for inaction as it does for shadowy backroom governance. Where does this move by UNPOL stand? Incompetence, or maniacal standard-of-living threatening creepiness? I think the true outcome will be disappointing to alarmists, as it will largely be a benevolent, unnoticed force in the world, it is important to note that UNPOL was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1988, and though that award has also come under attack recently represents the UN’s general good track record. The release from the UN focuses on a new commitment to training police as opposed to stepping in on the organization’s own accord, a far cry from tyrannical overreach the move has been packaged as by those at the ideological extremes. More nefarious perhaps is what this move says about the globalization project as a whole. What does it mean for the world to be flat, when the westernized UN is deeming nations too screwed up to handle their own crime problems? That is truly a scary situation. UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
SPOoooOoOORTS
#10, Shane Luth, attempts to fight off the sea monster that lurks beneath the depths of the Long Beach pools. #5, Justin Koeppen looks on above as the monster pulls a dumb Gaucho below the surface. Below, the aftermath can be viewed as the weak Gauchos scramble to safety. The 49ers were able to win despite the handicap of a Kraken trying to eat them.
THE SCARY-GOOD CSULB WATER POLO TEAM WINS 11-10
IT WAS A CLOSE GAME BUT THE GAUCHOS ALMOST CERTAINLY DABBLE IN THE DARK ARTS WHICH ISN’T FAIR ANDREW TURNER CONTRIBUTOR
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ong Beach narrowly escaped a loss to the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos with an 11-10 overtime victory. The 49ers, now 7-8 on the season recorded just their second win in their last six games. The sudden death thriller was the team’s first win in the conference schedule. CSULB Head Coach Gavin Arroyo did not hesitate to say that this win was huge for the 49ers, who are in full survival mode following a difficult stretch during which the team went just 2-6 away from the home pool. The game against the UCSB Gauchos was a seesaw battle from beginning to end. The game featured four lead changes and eight ties. Long Beach State jumped out to an early two-goal lead behind goals from Patrick van der Linde and Alexsandr Petrovic. The first quarter lead did not last long for the home team, as it was erased in short order by Santa Barbara’s star junior Milos Golic. After three quarters, the game was knotted up 6-6, making for a very dramatic fourth quarter. The teams tried to clamp down on
UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
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MAY ZIMMERMAN UNION STAFFER
defense, and it ended up costing them, as the referees continued to reward the hardworking offenses with power play opportunities. UCSB converted two power plays and a 5-meter penalty shot. Golic appeared to be enforcing his will in the fourth quarter with two more goals, including the penalty shot with 2:31 remaining to give the Gauchos their third one-goal lead of the final frame. However, Justin Koeppen tied up the game for the 49ers with just 1:49 remaining. Things got intense at the end of regulation. Every possession ’til the end of the fourth quarter was a potential game winner. On the 49ers’ final possession of regulation, UCSB committed an exclusionary penalty. The opportunity was there for Long Beach to complete the comeback after trailing late in the fourth quarter. Knowing how crucial this point in the game was, Coach Gavin Arroyo called a timeout to talk about how his team planned to attack the Gauchos in the final seconds. The penalty on Santa Barbara allowed Long Beach to hold onto the ball until
the end of the game. As his players searched for an opening to the net, Coach Arroyo could be heard screaming to make his team hold onto the ball for the final shot. Long Beach State failed to convert the power play as time expired when a 49er shot the ball over the cross bar with two seconds remaining. Overtime ensued after an exciting first four quarters of action. The two teams traded scores in the first overtime. In the second overtime, the defenses prevailed as the teams remained tied at ten. The game now entered the Golden Goal Stage, or “Sudden Death Overtime.” In the sudden death session, the 49ers were put in a very tough spot. The referee called Alexsandr Petrovic for a penalty during the Golden Goal situation. Coach Arroyo did not agree with the call, saying, “I did not feel that the foul was warranted in overtime. I thought that Petrovic was in position to make a play.” Long Beach was staring down the barrel of a shotgun with only Goaltender Derek Wiebe-Bailey between the goal
posts for their defense. Fortunately, WiebeBailey stood on his head for the 49ers and after a point shot from the Gauchos, Long Beach grabbed the rebound as the penalty expired. The 49ers drew an exclusion on Santa Barbara on the ensuing possession, and Justin Koeppen completed a hat trick with a game-winning power play goal just inside the short-side post. It seemed as though there was a competition going down between two superb Serbians. Long Beach’s Petrovic and the Gauchos’ Golic were gamebreakers in the game for their respective teams. Petrovic scored four times for the 49ers, while Golic five times for visiting UCSB. Long Beach’s triumph gives them some momentum coming into a very important part of the schedule. The game against the Gauchos opens up a six game home stand for the 49ers. If Long Beach State is going to have a successful season, their performance during the next five home games will be a vital part of a potential turnaround.
MUSIC
THE SCARIEST SONGS THAT AREN’T ABOUT HALLOWEEN RACHEL RUFRANO MANAGING EDITOR
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hen we think of scary songs, what comes to mind first, “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon? I don’t know about you, but a werewolf in a Chinese restaurant sounds kind of cute. “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett? What’s scary about a bunch of monsters doing the Transylvania Twist? Nothing. There are a lot of great Halloween-themed songs out there, but how many of them actually send chills down your spine or make you jump in your seat? For decades we have been associating “scary” with things like skeletons and monsters when there are much scarier songs about people; scary songs disguised as love songs, scary songs dressed up in normal clothes and walking down the street all year long, horrifying little children, and never showing up on a single Halloween playlist. This year we aren’t letting them get away so easily.
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“EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE” - STING
People play this song at weddings. Stupid people, that is, who don’t realize this song is about a stalker. What’s scarier than the premise of this song is the general misinterpretation of the premise of this song.
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“COUSIN DUPREE” - STEELY DAN
First of all, Steely Dan can gargle my balls. Second, who ever thought a song about a perv-y pedophiliac cousin was a good idea? This scared me as a child, but even now that I’m old enough to understand the jazz-fusion suck that is Steely Dan, this song just scares me in more than one genre.
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“FIGURE 8” - SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK
This song is supposedly about math, but I’m not taking the bait. It’s an eerie tune sung by a woman who sounds like a 4-year-old demon host. And I don’t think I’m digging too deep when I say this song is about infinity, the meaninglessness of our very existence, and how every thought or feeling we’ve had is just some mathematical equation ingrained in the pattern of the universe.
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“STRANGE FRUIT” - BILLIE HOLIDAY I’ll tell you one thing: she’s definitely not talking about fruit.
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“KOMMIENEZUSPADT” - TOM WAITS According to some online translator, “sei punktlich” is German for “be punctual.” Tom waits for no one, apparently, because we can’t be late. For what, I’m not sure, but I think pulleys and gears and a maniacal German man are involved and I don’t want any part of that.
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“ISTANBUL (NOT CONSTANTINOPLE)” - THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS Wait. So Istanbul was Constantinople, but now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople? And you can’t tell me why because it’s none of my business? What if I’ve got a date with a girl in Constantinople. Does that mean she’s really in Istanbul? Does she just not want to go out with me? This song is fucking scary and I want a map.
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“I’VE GOT TO GET A MESSAGE TO YOU” - THE BEE GEES Some guy is going to commit suicide, but he’s going to make sure you get the suicide note first. For once in his life he’s alone and he wants to make sure his ex feels really guilty about it.
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I always thought he was saying “Mary in a coma.” I’m still not convinced he’s saying otherwise. Enunciate, Sting! And until you do, I will hear “Mary in a coma” and be frightened that you can sing about her so passively.
Yes, he’s a murderer, but he does give you fair warning to run away. Other than that, he’s fucking insane—he just ululates and yells things in French. Basically, David Byrne doesn’t like people who aren’t polite, so don’t cut him off or forget to say “please,” because he’ll murder you.
“CANARY IN A COALMINE” - THE POLICE
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“WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE” BILLY JOEL I was completely unaware that there was a fire, but apparently it’s been burning since the world’s been turning. Then he talks about Stalin, the Mafia, The Communist Bloc, and Hula Hoops. Okay, he doesn’t so much talk about them as he just says them. I’m also pretty sure he says something about “vaginas under martial law,” and that scares me more than fire. “It’s the End of the World” by R.E.M. is pretty much the same song, but there isn’t any fire in that song and Michael Stipe claims he feels fine so it’s comparatively less scary.
“PSYCHO KILLER” - TALKING HEADS
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“JOHN WAYNE GACY JR” - SUFJAN STEVENS What’s scary about this song is that it’s true. Yes, there was a serial killer who raped and murdered 33 boys—29 of whom he buried in a crawl space under his house. Oh, and he also dressed as a clown. This song, unlike most on this list, is actually really beautifully written and is scary enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
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“HURDY GURDY MAN” - DONOVAN
Little known fact: This whole song was actually recorded into a fan. Other than that, I’m not entirely sure who the Hurdy Gurdy (or Roly Poly) Man is, but he’s going to take you down through all eternity where you will hear all the crying of humanity. It may actually have more to do with Bob Dylan haunting Donovan’s dreams and less to do with being dragged to Hell or a bad acid trip.
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“RUN THROUGH THE JUNGLE” CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL The Vietnam War has been romanticized to the ground, but this song doesn’t make you wish you were there—it makes you want to curl up in a ball. This song is the flashback the vet on the side of the freeway is having. “Run Through the Jungle” says nothing against the government, nothing about soldiers dying, and nothing about war. It pretty much only says “run through the jungle,” and that says everything.
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LITERATURE
WINNERS OF THE
SPOOKY SHORT STORY CONTEST BETRAYAL AND CONFLAGRATION IN LONG BEACH MICHAEL VEREMANS
A
UNION STAFFER
ll that the two union longshoremen heard as they checked blocks and blocks of barcoded and rusted steel containers aboard the Huang Xin was two muffled but audible clicks from inside a can before they were instantaneously incinerated. As the particles that made up the workers boiled and dissipated into the space that even air vacated, the nuclear explosion formed a dust wave of destruction that extended out from the port of Long Beach at 6:48 am. The explosion, a deafeningly loud event that reverberated across the Southern California plate within seconds pushed up and intoxicated the oil-thick water of the harbor. Over the cities of San Pedro, Carson, and Long Beach, a flaming, radioactive spray that was like some antique vision of napalm in Sodom. Ships upturned and plastic melted to coat the roads and exposed seabed while shrapnel of every nationality was twisted and tossed like terrorist confetti jetsam over
A FALLING CHERRY BLOSSOM
UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
HILLARY CANTU UNION STAFFER
a mile’s radius. A column of dust and smoke rose like a monster from the vaporization point, ballooning out into a ragged cloud of death to hang over the city. A ring of catastrophe formed around the now completely obliterated Huang Xin, in the wake of the sea-borne bomb. Within the blast zone everything living—jacaranda trees, rooftop cats, helote vendors, children at morning daycare, and even the cockroaches—was reduced to inert carbon and spent hopes. Beyond that was a ring of deformed, unwitting mutiny, like Dante’s first ring— Medius. Badly burnt, brain damaged, and starving, the survivors of the blast had nothing to say to each other in the atomic silence that had claimed firetrucks, food stores, footsteps, and laughter. This the terrorists, help is coming. But when the conflagration died down, the last of the living looked up to see black Hummers with BlackWater stenciled on the hood. Salvation, no, their guns were drawn…
SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL MIGUEL TRINIDAD
LEO PORTUGAL The woman walked through a cherry blossom garden, her grandmother’s hand in hers. As they walked, the grandmother told the granddaughter that she would always take care of her. The woman had never felt so warm, so close to her grandmother’s unfailing compassion, with the pink blossoms under their feet and over their heads, all under a burnt-orange sky. Next to her grandmother’s aged wisdom the woman felt small. She was a child once again, looking up to Granny. They walked over beautiful glistening water on a steel bridge, much like the Golden Gate Bridge, but unmistakably different. Without reason, the bridge gives way. Granny slips, and the water that was once below them is gone, replaced by infinite darkness. The woman reaches out with the skinny arms of a small girl and grabs Granny’s hand in her own small hand. She isn’t able to hold on. The woman begins to fall through gloomy clouded skies, feeling a deep cold-
Illustration
ness. No matter how hard she looks, she cannot find Granny. She lands on a bed in a room that she recognizes from her childhood. It is a museum, unchanged since the time she left home so many years ago. She sees her family in the doorway - her father, her mother and her little sister. They stand there smiling. She wants nothing more than to go to them and be surrounded by their warm embrace, but she is so cold she is frozen in place. Tentacles of shadow slither over her family. They stand there with dead eyes and stupid smiles. In this place she fails again and again to protect those she cares for most. In this place she wishes to die, but cannot. So she cries. The Doctor gazes through glass, watching countless tears crawl down the sleeping woman’s face. The Doctor sheds a tear of his own, as he watches, a sick smile etched upon his face. -dedicated to Matthew Mai
“Hi.” “Hi.” “How are you?” “Fine, yourself?” “Great.” “Yup.” Pathetic, isn’t it? That’s my sorry attempt to strike up a conversation with the girl of my dreams but, like me, every attempt ends in failure. I’m a loser. I always have been, always will. At my high school, I’m just another face in the hall. I can hardly hold a conversation with her, let alone tell her how I feel. With no talent, no skill, no looks, it’s no wonder my dream girl doesn’t even know who I am. Her name’s Karen, I love everything about her. Like, the way she plays with her hair during class. Or how she bites her bottom lip when she’s thinking. The way her eyes light up when she’s excited… I love the sound of her voice, her luminescent green eyes, her luscious red lips…Karen is simply beautiful.
Screw this lovesick crap. I’m just gonna go for it. “Karen, I was wondering…Do you wanna get a bite to eat or something after class?” “Not with you.” Ouch. But even as a bitch, she was still beautiful. I still loved everything about her, especially in this instance. I loved, the way her chest rose and fell with each intake of breath. I loved the way she coughed and the little specks of blood that escaped her mouth with each cough. I loved the way her blood slowly trickled down her lips and onto her chest. I loved how her green eyes slowly lost their sheen, how she drifted off into eternal slumber. Cleaning my knife, I looked into her empty green eyes and kissed her cold red lips. Still, even in death, Karen was simply beautiful.
ENTERTAINMENT HARDLY AN EDUCATION KATHY MIRANDA
P
CULTURE EDITOR
eople kept telling me to watch An Education with the impression that it’s such a significantly “grown up” film, and that it would teach me some valuable life lessons. I don’t want to scream “no” resoundingly, even though some part of me felt that way walking out of the theater, but the Nick Hornby penned film is hardly an educating experience. Directed by Lone Scherfig, An Education is set in 1960s London, and follows Jenny, a young high school girl en route to Oxford, played by the breathtaking Carey Mulligan. At 24, she manages to pull off a convincing 16-year-old rebel with an adorable French accent. Peter Sarsgaard plays David, Jenny’s charming love interest, a dashing departure from digging graves in Garden State. The first 30 minutes of the film is a college girl’s wet dream, as we’re shown a montage of fancy parties and trips to Paris with David and company. Glamorously constructed, the filming here is perfectly timed, luring the audience in with expensive indulgences while living vicariously through
Jenny as she transforms into a provocative woman overnight. The initial sequence of events was surprisingly convincing, especially keeping in mind that we’re in the ’60s, and things like this happened all the time. It’s too bad that the best part of this movie lasted for only so long. Save for David’s creepy tendencies, I can’t be mad at Sarsgaard’s skills as an actor. He exhibits very subtle traces of emotion, which work for his character, but toward the end of An Education he falls flat, as if he’s given up any desire to be in the movie. We lose him abruptly after the climax and his whereabouts are frustratingly unexplained. Mulligan on the other hand is an absolute angel. Her nervous giggles and rebellious monologues are contagious. If there’s anyone that teaches a lesson in this movie, it’s her. Carried by Mulligan’s sophistication and youthful sex appeal, Jenny’s character is the reason why An Education is even worth watching. But I can’t say much for the plot or the direction, for that matter. We’ve seen the “older man, younger woman” affair many times
before, another important reason why the pacing of the film felt hasty and unrealistic. Jenny and David fall in love quite suddenly, and though the audience is immersed in Jenny’s happiness, we’re not invested enough in David’s character to feel any connection. The screenplay compromises its own values for trite excuses of seeing an older man woo a young girl. It also relies too much on the idea of the affair, more than that actual affair. The supposed climax of the story is actually quite uninteresting [SPOILER]: we find out David is your average con, is married, and surprise, surprise, Jenny’s entire future is ruined. I am sincerely unimpressed with this story. This movie disregards any concern for realistic intentions or motives. Hornby and Scherfig mistake a schoolgirl’s boredom for wisdom and unfortunately, Jenny’s dreams do not come true. I don’t even want to start with the French references, the PreRaphaelite artsy-fartsy banter or the overall pretension of a naïve 16-year-old—what is this movie, a joke? To top this heated review off, An Educa-
tion’s ending is tied into a ridiculously happy bow, when Jenny just happens to get into Oxford anyway, after the fake engagement and quitting school and all that. Pfft! What. A. Cop. Out.
UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
WORDS CAITLIN CUTT RESEARCH MIKE PALLOTTA Photos
CHELSEA ROSENTHAL
I
know the campus that you know. It’s a campus filled with people, moving crowds, chirping car alarms, long lines for food, and I know the way it feels to suddenly find yourself in a random cross-section of three different types of music, spilling from phones, windows, and the Nugget. But if you’ve stayed in the library ’til closing during finals, subsequently being forced to make a silent walk to your car, then you’ve gotten a chance to see what we’ve seen every weekend—the alternate side of CSULB. Every Saturday night, the staff of the Union Weekly comes together to compile what we would like to think is the students’ voice. We work those long weekend hours, often taking breaks by hanging outside of our office (located in the USU Courtyard), or even taking the occasional walk. Because of this, we’ve become all too familiar with the alternate side of the campus, and what goes on when the lights go out. And up until the past few months, the lights have just remained off. With all of this on the table, and in the sprit of Halloween, I want to share with you something that could very well make every person at the Union Weekly look bat-shit crazy. First of all, being the student paper, we’ve had students, faculty, and staff come to us with weird, first-hand accounts of what can only be called the unexplainable. The reason we haven’t printed anything regarding these events until right now is pretty simple: we hadn’t actually experienced anything. We only had stories. However, in the past couple of months things did happen. There’s no other way to say it. This is our attempt to compile our own first-hand experiences. What they mean or what they are a result of, we’re unsure. Early one morning in August (we were trying to finish archiving old issues before school started) I was walking to the bathroom in the Psych building (one of the few still open at that time of day), and I heard a woman laughing inside the bathroom. I didn’t really think anything of it, assuming it was someone on her cell phone, but when I got in there I was all alone. I kept this experience to myself and I never got to pee. If you know anybody on this staff, you’d know that any admittance to that kind of “encounter” would follow me for the rest of my life. But then, about a month later I got a call from Mike Pallotta (“Beef,” last year’s Editor-in-Chief): “Hey, I know this is weird, but I’m pretty freaked out and I need you to come get me.” “Why? What’s up?” “I was in the office [of the Union] writing and I heard a door slam outside, so I got up, I looked out the door, I noticed the ASI Communications lights were on. I walked out to see who was there, but there was no one. I turned around and the door was locked. Then the lights in the office turned off, and all the power went out. All my shit is in there. Just get over here.” Mike was totally confused by the whole thing, and although I thought back to the night in the bathroom, I still didn’t tell
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UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
him. As far as Mike’s experience, we didn’t know what to do about it. So we opted to keep things to ourselves. But the real watershed moment came early one morning when staffers Rachel Rufrano, Simone Harrsion and I were taking a break in the courtyard. If you didn’t know (and don’t feel bad if you don’t) KBeach Radio runs 24/7 playing music over the loud speakers in and outside the USU. And lucky us, Saturday night is usually reserved for “World Music.” Right in the middle of a block of what I think was Indian music, the broadcast seemed to drop off, over-powered by a very loud, static hum. We assumed it was a technical difficulty until we began hearing things in the hum. Rachel later said that she heard the faint sound of a woman crying. Simone got up and ran inside, later commenting that she heard a man speaking a language she “couldn’t describe.” I guess I would describe what I heard as children, but the hum waved in and out. By the time we got other people out there, the crappy world music was on again like nothing happened. At this point I figured I had nothing to lose. I told them my bathroom story, and Mike told his story. I immediately wished I would have said something earlier, because it turned out all of us, one way or another, had a story. The door had malfunctioned and locked three of us out since the middle of the summer, and Matt Dupree even admitted to hearing weird things on KBeach as well. So naturally, we felt obligated (and curious) to find some way of researching these events. What follows is an account of all of the strange happenings and the subsequent investigation that we put together. Lucky for us, Union kids have seen enough movies to know what to do. We did most of our research between 1am and 4am because that’s when the majority of these strange happenings took place. We took pictures, we set up a tape recorder to record the courtyard, and we even brought in an expert to help us hold a séance—which none of us ever want to do again. Ever. Here ya go: August 25th – Walking to the Psych building, I heard the sound of a woman laughing in the bathroom. When I got in no one was there. August 31st – Mike Pallotta gets locked out of the office. The door locks from the outside. September 11th – Matt Dupree and James Kislingbury get locked out of the office. September 19th – Simone Harrison, Rachel Rufrano and myself hear the KBeach broadcast interrupted by a static hum (each of us hearing different noises within the same hum).
These photos all show the tell-tale signs of supernatural visitors—unexplainable balls of light, mysterious shapes and figures.
October 3rd – Our neighbors, campus security, give us a head’s up about odd sightings taking place throughout the USU and certain places on campus. Mike Pallotta, Chelsea Rosenthal, and I go all over the campus and take pictures. Orbs and apparitions are found in six pictures. Later the office loses power and we are forced to start the issue all over again. October 4th – While sitting in the courtyard, Joe Bryant, Rachel Rufrano, Mike Pallotta, and myself heard the same interruption from three weeks prior. This time, the interruption lasted much longer (roughly 15 minutes), allowing us enough time to grab a tape recorder. To hear this recording, visit lbunion.com. October 17th – First (and hopefully only) Union séance is held in the USU Courtyard (in front of Wells Fargo). We hired an expert, who wishes to remain anonymous, who brought their own Ouija board (not your typical MiltonBradley version). The following are the questions and answers from the séance: Q) Is there a spirit on this campus? A) 7 Q) There are seven spirits? A) Yes. Q) How many are here now? A) 4 Q) Are you stuck here? No answer. The radio broadcast over the USU loudspeakers was interrupted once again. At this point we all decided to end the séance.
October 23rd 11:55 – Mike Pallotta and Caitlin Cutt attempt to take pictures at the Puvungna burial grounds. The camera does not work, continuously dying. Upon returning to the office, the camera turns back on with 75% battery life. Seriously, you can think whatever the fuck you want. Here is what we have: pictures that show orbs and other strange apparitions. To be honest, none of us really know what that means, but we do know that on all of those ghost shows they look for orbs and we have a shit-ton. Some of these events may be attributed to the fact we had a serial killer on campus, Walter C. Kaniski. Recently, local radio station 95.5 KLOS covered Kaniski in an online article entitled, “Top 10 Serial Killers” (955klos.com). Whether these orbs and other strange happenings are a direct result of Kaniski and his killings is up to speculation. Kaniski left his mark on this campus, and what we’ve been experiencing could be a result of it. The audio we took is posted online if you want to hear it, and oh yeah, part of our campus is built on a fucking Indian Burial ground, the Puvungna, which can’t be good. Finally, on a personal note, since this investigation began, many of us have been experiencing nightmares. I know I personally was affected by the séance, which was easily one of the most unbelievable things I have ever seen—the Ouija eye moved on its own twice. I never want to do anything like this again, so I can’t say I’d recommend it. In the end, whether we’ve all worked ourselves into a frenzy, or if any of this is real, we at the Union Weekly feel like our Saturday nights are being watched.
UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
11
LIBER MONSTERICUM A PEOPLE’S HISTORY OF
MONSTER SLAYING I want all of you to grab the nearest history book. Do it. You got one? Good. Now throw it out the window. Just toss that fucker. Why am telling you do to this? Well, it’s because your standard “history” books completely ignore large swathes of our past—the rad parts, mostly. Namely, the hidden history of man’s struggles with the wicked abominations that God deigned to put on this earth. Now, without further ado, here are four of our history’s greatest monster slayers.
JAMES KISLINGBURY MASTER OF EAGLES
SIEGFRIED Dragon Slayer, Treasure Hunter, Cautionary Tale
SAINT PATRICK Catholic Missionary, Crypto-Limey, Saint of Binge
WEAPON OF CHOICE Spears, knives, and stabbing weapons. HUNTING GROUNDS The fetid hollows and squabbling city-states that were medieval Germany. MOST FAMOUS KILL Fafnir the Dragon, Bavarian banker. MORTAL WEAKNESS Gold! And lots of it! FALLOUT Cursed to be sung about for hours at a time by husky Italian women and proto-Nazis.
WEAPON OF CHOICE The word of God, harsh language. HUNTING GROUNDS Ireland or as it was known at the time “Snake-soaked Hell-Bog.” MOST FAMOUS KILL Cúchulainn, a midget he mistook for a leprechaun. MORTAL WEAKNESS His love of God, whiskey. FALLOUT Every year his deeds are celebrated by hooligans vomiting on Cinco de Mayo.
PETER WASHINGTON
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD Little Girl, Wolf Murderer, Hiking Enthusiast
WEAPON OF CHOICE M16A1 assault rifle, friendship. HUNTING GROUNDS Shopping malls, anywhere people hang out. MOST FAMOUS KILL Roger, his best friend. Stone. Cold. MORTAL WEAKNESS Has a tendency to shoot his friends. FALLOUT Despite murdering every single one of his friends, he’s still ultimately doomed. DOOMED.
WEAPON OF CHOICE Gumption, spunkiness, dry-cool wit. HUNTING GROUNDS Where old people sleep (but not libraries). MOST FAMOUS KILL Her grandma (that turned out to be a wolf). MORTAL WEAKNESS Completely incapable of distinguishing a wolf from a grandma. FALLOUT Nothing. Children are immune to the harshness of the real world.
Drinking
Zombie Killer, SWAT Team Member, Not a Ghostbuster
SLAYOLOGICAL HISTORY’S GREATEST HITS
534 While most of the Nordic countries were busy
stealing the entirety of Europe from their lazy neighbors, Beowulf was getting real shit done. After arriving in Denmark he slays the beasty Grendel by ripping off the monster’s arm and beating him to death with it, leading to the single most metal thing to happen at that point in history. This also lead to any girl’s name starting with a “G” to look that much uglier. UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
1572 Japanese warlord and inventor 1882 of karaoke, Oda Nobunaga, destroys the last of the oni (or “ogre” for you bakagaijin) through a combination of mirrors, windchimes, and crooked bridges. As it turns out oni are really, really bad at doing anything besides messing up how a room “flows.”
German philosopher and syphilis enthusiast Friedrich Wilhelm “Willy” Nietzsche accidentally kills the Judeo-Christian diety YHWH (known as the “King of All Monsters”) with his declaration “God is dead.” His demise is highly exaggerated, the creator of the universe returned three days later with the proclamation, “Nope.” Having been proven a liar, Nietzsche is doomed to be quoted by obnoxious college students for all eternity.
1947
In an ironic twist fit for a pulp novel, former führer Adolf Hitler’s frozen head is eaten by a member of his secret Nazi zombie army somewhere. Good night, sweet prince.
FOLASHADE ALFORD
CHRIS FABELA
UNION STAFFER
CREATIVE ARTS EDITOR
I
Poetry
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CREATIVE ARTS
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ANSWERS
Operation Panda World Domination by Fox
UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
CULTURE A PROCRASTINATOR’S GUIDE TO: COSTUMES FOR MEN SINCE ALL CHICKS HAVE TO DO IS WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR by jonathan balderas
I
contrbutor
f you’re like me and broke as hell, or just cheap, you have more to work with than you think. If you have a sport/hobby with a cool uniform, like a Karate gi or Baseball uniform, you can just go as a zombie. Play with some make-up and voila! You’re a zombie Water Polo player! Another idea is to go with a classic makeshift getup: getups that aren’t flashy or look very good but get the job done. Last resort costumes include, but are not limited to:
a ghost: a white sheet with holes for eyes modern vampire: clubbing clothes with fangs serial killer : inconspicuous outfit, Dexter
Whichever of these interests you most, remember to add some personality into it. Throw some sunglasses on for the ghost, make a ghetto vampire (not like all the neo-vampires), become a lovable serial killer—have you ever read or seen Dexter? Just give it some flavor, and you can’t go wrong. For those who do have money, hold on, because buying a costume isn’t as easy as it sounds. First off, you do not
want to buy anything from Hot Topic, the local pharmacy, or “on-sale” costumes. Why? Because although you might think it’s a cool getup, once you see someone else with the same damn costume, that “coolness” goes away. Be original, don’t get the fad costumes like the Joker, anything Johnny Depp, or God forbid, the Scream mask. Choose wisely, amd don’t end up being the “costume stealer” guy—nobody likes them. Second, look around at different places. I once saw a $15 mask at the mall only to find it for $5 later at the swap meet. Unless you like to spend, take the time to search for the best deal. After spending a good amount of cash, some of us like to recycle a certain costume. Before anything, make sure it fits. Trying it out at the last minute only to find out it’s too small is pretty sucky. You might also want to make sure it’s not something people will remember—just trust me
on this one. If you wore it last year, people will remember. If you have your costume already set, I don’t know why you’re even reading this; it’s a guide for us “get-thingsdone-at-the-last-minute” people. But if you are like me, I leave you with my secret weapon: animal costumes. Believe me, you don’t even need to dress up if you have your dog in a kickass dinosaur suit beside you. With that said, enjoy your Saturday, because it’s the only day you have an excuse to dress weird, unless of course, you’re into that kind of stuff. Culture Editor’s Note: Ladies, for the love of Allah, cover up this year! I understand that you’ve been waiting ten months to finally wear that hideous lace corset you bought on sale at Forever 21, but how about being a little classy this year? You’ve got the rest of your life to be a slutty nurse, how about being something normal, like a movie character or a zombie witch, or something? We’ve seen the Sexy Angel thing and well, we’re over it. How about the Bride of Frankenstein, or the Pink Ranger? Anything that doesn’t involve your bare ass bumping into me at the Ralphs’ while I’m impatiently waiting to make an Eyeball-tini, know what I’m sayin’? Happy Halloween!
spirits of halloween:
dizzying drinks for ghosts and ghouls by kathy miranda
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE
culture editor
INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 oz Peach Schnapps 1/4 oz of Baileys Irish Cream Splash of grenadine syrup This slimy drink is slated to make your halloween party the spookiest of all! Pour the peach shnapps into the glass followed by a slow pour of the Bailey’s cream. Let the grenadine syrup drip through the middle. Watch as the brain hemmorhage comes alive!
VEGAN EYEBALL-TINI INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 ounces gin 1/4 ounce dry vermouth RADISHES and GREEN OLIVES Prepare your martini as you like; shaken preferably. For the eyeballs: slice one half of a radish but keep the root attached. Peel the skin to look like veins and place an olive in the center of the radish as the pupil. Top off martini and freak out your vegan friends! UNION WEEKLY
26 OCTOBER 2009
Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Trick or treat, motha fuckas! Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“Oh, soda burp hurt my nose!”
Volume 65 Issue 9
Monday, October 26th, 2009
Dead Undergrad Comes Back for Unfinished Business Degree
Earl Clairewelle (above, phantasmical) is hard at work after his recent, untimely killing.
BY GAELIC FORESKYNE LONG BEACH, CA – Recently murdered student, Earl Clairewelle, returned from the dead to tie the knots he left untied during his time in the mortal realm, namely, his business degree. He has started out by taking Ethics, a class he received an “Incomplete” in last semester after he disappeared on a hike in the woods with his closest friend, Terry Ness, who now lives with Clairewelle’s ex-girlfriend. One of his classmates had this to say, “At first I was, well, I was weirded out, but after I got used to the sound of his chains clanking against the floor. You can get used
to anything. Except maybe when he screeches ‘YOU KILLED ME!’ over and over. That’s way off base.” We asked campus Interfaith Center Counselor and sixth-level Necromancer Richard Huxtable, on the experience specters have when returning to college. But he didn’t have anything interesting to say, so we asked the nearest itinerate gypsy we found on the matter. She told us that spirits tend to have a much more difficult experience in academia than other supernatural entities such as færies, wolfmen, merpeople, or Canadians. Basic tasks such as commuting, receiving tickets, or doing keg stands become next to impossible
for poltergeists. For example, if they decide to live in the dorms, fire alarms will be set off by the ghastly fog that pursues them. Even tasks such as reading becomes a chore. Instead of turning a page, they’ll send their books into a ferocious whirlwind. “Yeah, you gotta watch out for that. My roommate got clocked in the head by a marine bio book. Sent him right out the window,” says philosophy major Sherman “Turban” Salami. “Ironic, really.” Often the ethereal checks they pay their tuition with float right through the hands of cashiers or, worse yet, when they do pay in physical objects such as ingots or doubloons, the other-worldly metal will sear the hands of the living with the flames of Hell itself. Brotman Hall clerk, Chaz Spaldgeld, had this to say on his encounter with a phantasm, “I knew something was fishy when he seemed to float effortlessly through the line, but I knew that roller skates weren’t allowed in [Brotman Hall]. Then I noticed that he was cradling his severed head in the nook of his arm and was being escorted by a pack of stark white hunting dogs. When he handed over his payment for classes, the gold pieces burnt a hole clear through my hand. I guess the joke was on me.”
LBUNION.COM
Construction Everywhere BY SEXUAL RANDY
God, no—a lane had been closed (as reported an unnecessary amount of times in the Daily 49er). Workers tore at the concrete with pick axes, shattered it with jackhammers. Where to go? Nowhere but home. Don’t-make-eye-contact-don’tmake-eye-contact. Oh shit, I made eye contact. Is he following me? Just go you fucking idiot, just go. I turn onto Palo Verde and of course they’re there. Of course! I shouldn’t have looked at his eyes— those pale blue-collar eyes, devoid of life. The jackhammering is closer— CLOSER. No. No, this can’t be how it ends. There’s my neighborhood but holy fuck it’s blocked and I don’t know where to turn and I try the next entrance and it’s okay but what do I find? My neighbor has begun his kitchen remodeling. And the hissing of a Black & Decker power drill, the monotonously monstrous thud of a sledgehammer, the spectral whispering of a screwdriver turning a hex bolt—turning and screeching in my head and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. There’s construction everywhere.
LONG BEACH, CA – In a situation described by myself at the time as “terrifying” and “a bit of a hassle,” I, a Long Beach resident, found myself being followed and confronted with construction everywhere I went last Thursday. This reporter discovered firsthand the truly horrific potential of an untamable force of civil service workers and their noisy machines and tools. At first, I thought nothing of the loud clattering I heard when I left the Grunion basement to meander about CSULB, but as I went from lower to upper campus I began to realize that there was no escaping the yellow behemoths moving earth, lifting steel girders. I started jogging to the parking lot, only to find white and orange striped construction barriers blocked my way. Sweet Jesus, the barriers were everywhere. When my alternate route became a maze of cones, I broke into an all out sprint. I swear the rumbling of Caterpillar dozers was not far behind me, drowning out the sound of my footfalls. I pissed my jeans, the hot trickle spraying my thighs. Finally, my car, but to my horror the skeleton of a parking structure had been erected since I had parked that morning. I sped away and turned Try as he might, this Long Beach resident cannot escape the onto Atherton, but oh clutches of Construction. It’s building every dark corner.
INSIDE
Local Poet Uses Single Strand of Hair as Bookmark Poet Levi Strahan reportedly used a single strand of hair as a bookmark. “It represents how we all lose a piece of ourselves in our work. I try to give meaning to every aspect of my life,” said Strahan. No word yet on the source of the hair. “Oh don’t worry, I have plenty more where that came from,” said Strahan with a sly grin. The hair is probably from a dead body. He’s creepy as heck. PAGE PO
Leather Jacket Sales Up Among Evil Doppelgängers David Brown, owner of Brown’s Jacket Emporium reported a spike in sales in the evil doppelgänger demographic. “I guess doppelgängers need clothes, too. You know, so they can abduct you and take your place and have sex with your girlfriend from behind and just generally ruin your life. We try not to discriminate,” explained Brown. He also is prepared for backlash from anti-doppelgänger groups, “we had some troublemakers trying to uncover doppelgängers by lifting up their sunglasses and checking for dead eyes or doing tests for facial hair. We put up a sign in order to stop this harassment.” PAGE Z7
Costume’s Joke Lost on Party-goers, Hundreds Dead PAGE TSS