ISSUE 65.13 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
CLAY COOPER
Managing Editor
joeb.union@gmail.com
simone.union@gmail.com
KEVIN O’BRIEN
kevinob.union@gmail.com
News Director
ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
andyk.union@gmail.com
rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA
kathym.union@gmail.com
SOPHISTICATED BEAR
Grunion Editor
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER Art Director
ANDREW LEE
Photo Editor/Cover
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
JOE BRYANT
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, JASON OPPLIGER, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, JEFF CHANG, KELVIN HO, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, STEVEN TRAN, JOHNNY ALT, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JOHN YANG, MONA KOZLOWSKI, RICHARD LEVINSON, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, LEO PORTUGAL, JAMIE KARSON, CHELSEA STEVENS, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, AARON KOSAKA, MAXIMILLIAN PIRAS, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, EDDIE JORDAN, JASMINE GAGNIER
JAMES KISLINGBURY
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
jamesk.union@gmail.com
victorpc.union@gmail.com
Culture Editor
A CONVO WITH A COUPLE OF DUDES
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor
VERSUS DANGER CLOSE
clay.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor
JOE & JAMES
rachel.union@gmail.com
T
he following conversation was recorded on the afternoon of Friday, November 20, 2009 over Xbox LIVE. We find our two heroes playing and discussing the new videogame, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. This is their story. JAMES: I don’t say this often, but I feel confident saying that this is the greatest work of art since the Renaissance. JOE: Oh yeah. Totally. One Renaissance, maybe even two. JAMES: Two-and-a-half easy. JOE: Did Michelangelo ever rappel down a mountainside in the Hindu Kush just to stab a dude in the heart? JAMES: Doubtful. What did Michelangelo ever do? Answer: Worry about perfect spheres. JOE: Chew on that, Dustin Hoffman. JAMES: The wait was definitely worth it. JOE: But not with all of those nerds. At GameStop. At midnight. JAMES: Yeah, I’ve had better Monday nights. JOE: A teenager drove by and called me
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
a Microsoft n-word. JAMES: That was weird. And offensive. JOE: You laughed when I bought that lawn chair. You said, “You’ll never sit in front of a videogame store in a lawn chair.” Well, who’s the idiot now? JAMES: I am. I’m the idiot. JOE: Y’know, I think if God played a videogame, it would be Modern Warfare 2. What gun do you think God would use? JAMES: I don’t think God would use a gun. I think God would be an AC-130 Gunship. JOE: I think God would only use throwing knives, because throwing knives are really badass. JAMES: Yeah, God is pretty badass. JOE: I was surprised some of the missions took place in the US. Some real Red Dawn shit. JAMES: Welcome to Obama’s America. JOE: I just can’t believe we defeated the Russians through fiscal reform. JAMES: I did not see that coming. JOE: Almost as surprising as the Truckzilla mission. JAMES: Monster trucks are never a bad
surprise. JOE: If I found out I had a terminal illness tomorrow, I’d be like, “So what? I got to shotgun a Russkie in the nuts on the FDR Memorial while driving a snowmobile. Sign me up for the funeral train.” Hold on a sec, it’s my old lady. JAMES: Whatever. Gay. JOE: What. What could it possibly be? [Girlfriend nags.] JOE: There’s no way you need me to do that right now. [Girlfriend just goes on and on.] JOE: Look, your grandma is still gonna be in the hospital in the morning, I’m trying to save Freedom. [Girlfriend is nonplus.] JOE: C’mon, Honeybutt. You know I’d never choose videogames over you. [Girlfriend finally leaves.] JAMES: You don’t mean that…do you? JOE: Hell no. Call of Duty made me be all I can be, and apparently that means breaking into a Soviet Gulag with nothing but a grenade launcher and foul language. What choice would you make? JAMES: Word.
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
Illustration UNION WEEKLY
CHRIS FABELA
CREATIVE ARTS EDITOR
30 NOVEMBER 2009
OPINIONS
FUCK THE (CAMPUS) POLICE WORDS AND ILLUSTRATION BY
MAXIMILLIAN PIRAS CONTRIBUTOR
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ost in a sea of frivolous persecutions at any moment on a college campus, those deemed destructive to society and labeled as illegal, sometimes a very large crime goes completely unnoticed. Keep in mind that the following statements are not to make our campus out to be some kind of authority-addicted dystopia, but then again, I’m not deterring you from reaching that conclusion. Let’s just say I want to inform you about a recent situation that changed my stance upon how well certain authority figures are doing their job. I understand if these opinions seem like attempts at sympathy, but that’s because they are. The event is the most unforeseen and unfortunate circumstance of my car being illegally taken from my possession. Parked on Bellflower, right off Anaheim, where I had last seen it, and much to my surprise the location of its carjacking. Initially MV theft was the last assumption I came to. Why? Because
I live a fucking block away from CSULB. It had been my assumption, which had made an ass out of me and perhaps any law enforcers in the area, that since I can’t drive down Atherton, Bellflower, 7th, or Palo Verde with a broken tail-light and avoid getting five to ten fix-it tickets from the upstanding and on point law enforcers, then there must be no sign of any harsher crimes. This hypothesis was a fail. How it could happen that my car window was smashed in, my engine hot-wired, and my vehicle driven off into the night while parked on Bellflower is an aggregation of questions that have been on my mind. I guess it must have been due to the overwhelming number of students driving home at 11pm and accidentally driving through one of the hundreds of stop signs throughout campus, despite there being no one around to potentially hit besides the copper hiding in the bush with his ticket book and pen ready to attack. That is the
real crime. Or perhaps the other students skateboarding around in an empty parking lot posing no harm to anyone besides themselves, which is clearly consensual and no case in a court of law to sue a campus because said injury is self-provoked, yet they are met with three campus police cruisers to take down names and hand out citations. That is the real crime. And for off-campus, it must be felons like myself holding three different fix-it tickets for a broken tail-light issued by campus police on separate trips down Atherton. Now travel one block and you have the intersection where Beach Drive meets Bellflower, a haven for any illegal double-yellow U-turners who are
hoping for a quick ticket when late to class or work. Travel up that block to where Bellflower meets 7th and you have the same situation. Always the enforcer for any of these minor offenses are the campus police because they patrol the area 24/7. My point is if we employ law officers with strict regulations to persecute any simple offense on or around campus in hopes to eliminate criminal activity or at least significantly decrease its presence, thus explaining why I’ve got so many seemingly ridiculous parking, skateboarding, and fix-it citations for someone who is otherwise a complete law-abiding citizen… well, then someone owes me a new mother fucking car. Thanks.
YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL AND UNTALENTED WHY THE DIVAS OF OUR GENERATION ARE TERRIBLE SIMONE HARRISON OPINIONS EDITOR
I’ve never watched an episode of Oprah, I’ve never owned a Beyoncé album, I’ve never dressed up as Lady Gaga for Halloween, and I’ve certainly never been to a Madonna concert, but I do know the intricate details of all of these women’s lives. I remember the day Beyoncé finally married Jay-Z and the day Oprah had Tom Cruise on her show. I’ve always been fascinated with these women because they have seemingly started from the ground up and have made an empire out of their “second life.” Their personas are what sell records and what keep the ratings up. The idea of the “diva” or “prima donna” has been around since music’s beginnings. Divas have always been celebrated in arts/ culture and for good reason—women who receive this title are typically über talented and disgustingly beautiful. Men want to fuck them, women want to be them. Take for example, Beyoncé. Her humble beginnings started with Destiny’s Child who had a few hits in the 90s, UNION WEEKLY
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but never rose to Spice Girls stardom. Then, she went solo and the whole world collectively shit their pants. Her music has been topping the charts ever since. Now she has the title of actress, producer, choreographer, model, and video, director under her belt. What does Beyoncé have that no one else does? Charisma. That’s all it is really, a lot of fucking charisma. It also helps that she’s extremely gorgeous. Oprah has always been mystifying to me. Everyone loves Oprah should have been the title of her show. Single mothers and unemployed gay men have had something to watch for years because of her. Her fame has become so colossal that when Oprah says, “Cargo pants are in,” they are fucking in. She tells us what to read, what to eat, what to wear and who to hate. That woman has so much money she has to think of ways to spend it, like giving everyone in her audience their own personal airplane. With O Magazine, her own show and a host of other
side projects, Oprah is taking it to the next level with her own network, called OWN, (seriously). I’m just going to come out and say it, the only thing Oprah is good at is listening. She can sit on her ass and listen with the best of them. Well, good for her. A newcomer to the world of the diva is Lady Gaga. She has given gothic girls world wide a reason to come out of their dimly lit rooms and put down their razors. With (what I’ll graciously call) her unique sense of style and edgy pop music she has taken the music world by storm. I don’t know if her shtick will last though. I think her “look at me” gimmick is going to grow old and the “hate to love” phenomena will take over. The problem with Gaga is that she is weird for the sake of being weird. It’s almost as if she’s trying too hard. Her new album will drop next month and it’s still to be seen if she can keep her fame flame alive. Possibly the most famous diva ever is
Madonna. She started out with a persona, but she keeps evolving and changing her game throughout the years. Let’s face it, she really isn’t that talented. She makes decent pop music, but that isn’t what keeps her concerts sold out. It’s her. She is the classic selfmade woman. With no discernible talent she has remained famous for over twenty years. Singer-turned-actress-turned activist is hard to do and get away with, but she has succeeded. Even though the media now rips her to pieces she can still make a documentary about herself and have critics roaring about it. Madonna has sold her persona to the masses for decades and she’ll probably still be selling it for years to come. Even though I am completely captivated by how these divas have risen to superstar fame, I still don’t support them. The majority of the women that we are supposed to look up to these days are completely untalented, but man do they have charisma.
OPINIONS
IT HAS TO BE OFFICIAL AND IT HAS TO BE URINE FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER
Illustration
In these tough economic times a lot of people are looking for the same thing, a motherfucking job. Well I recently happened into one, my first real one. Where is my illustrious place of work? I’m a cashier at Kmart (visit me?) and I’m proud of it. It was scarily easy to get this job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to finally have a job in any capacity. All this literally happened in a matter of days. I applied online, got an interview, and voila, a couple of hours later I was holding my own bodily fluids while some Asian woman made small talk with her fellow nurse. Their comfort level is a little unnerving, I know it’s their job and everything but you don’t need to shout to the entire waiting room that you’re ready for me to go pee in a cup. Yeah, I know drug tests are standard procedure when applying for a job and this certainly won’t be my last. As a first time though it was quite an experience, a weird one. I feel terrible for all you people out there who sweat bullets every time you have to submit to one of these urine samples. Be-
JAMIE KARSON UNION STAFFER
lieve me, I would gladly sell my liquid gold to you, I need all the monies I can get. Wait, I couldn’t do that, the whole idea is just too gross. I can’t be handing my precious fluids out to just anybody. Once I got the welcome-to-Kmart handshake from my new boss I set about calling my best friend to let him know I finally got employed. We both got to drinking (a surefire way to fail a drug test) a little bit before my screening. We set into Mickey D’s largest sweet tea, quite delicious (they probably put crack in it). Post tea-break I happened into the clinic still sipping on my tasty beverage. As I finished my drink nothing happened, there was no signal in my body telling me I needed to use the facilities. I was slightly frightened I couldn’t commit even an ounce to that stupid cup. One of the nurses suggested I go run around to get my “body working,” “trust me,” he said. I’m sure he wanted to laugh at me as I flew up and down the hallway crashing into fellow patients. Well, I’m no dumbass so I flailed about in the parking lot and almost gave a poor
old woman a heart attack when I surprised the shit out of her breathing heavily after my workout. I’m not going to go into the details of the dirty deed but let me say it was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever done. Guys, you have it easy. Upon submitting my sample I was so proud. I felt like I’d just given that nurse some super pee. I’d be running to the bathroom every 10 minutes thanks to that huge crack tea I drank. There must be some way for a company to make sure I’m drug free that’s a bit more dignifying than peeing in a cup. Until then, I’ll be relying on Mickey D’s to get me going for the next drug test.
THE TELEVISION WILL NOT BE REVOLUTIONIZED MICHAËL VEREMANS UNION STAFFER
Illustration
When you imagine a communist revolution you probably envision bearded guerillas in the hills of Cuba, frigid Soviets fighting for Moscow, or the same blue-grey uniforms bringing the Little Red Book into the fields and steppes of China. People are taking up what arms they have—broken guns, pitchforks, garden trowels—to fight against imperialist powers in a great conflagration. But then you turn off the History Channel, and that reality becomes some sort of remote joke. Now, we all need to eat, need a place to sleep and to have security. These are basic materialist concerns—the economic forces that govern our lives to minute details, but the
BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER
struggle of the American working class is largely political and cultural. In Southern California, we’re not starving or being thrown out on the street—though some may argue— we’re not faced with the brutality of exploitation that could possibly push a people to overthrow an empire, so what are we struggling for? Freedom, plain and simple. We are fighting off the greedy sedation of extreme capitalism that renders us critically tacit and inextricably tied to global exploitation. So, given our post-material affluence and extensive media infrastructure, the revolution at home is twofold. First, we must seek to critically engage ourselves, although it might cut in on TV time or those extra hours of sleep, to be wakeful to the manipulation posed by media and certain chauvinistic social forces. Everyday new de-centered and democratic avenues of mass communication and discussion open up, but even the internet is not entirely free. We must, therefore, liberate our voices before we can wage any effective struggle. Learn about how this country really works—44% of the members of legislature are millionaires, heavily invested in the banks and pharmaceutical firms—and then discuss it; if it feels wrong, it’s worth talk-
ing about. It is surprising to see such an energetic, irascible people as the Americans become tamed by consumerism. Global corporations generate profits by exploiting less developed economies in order to sell products to economies like ours, which are driven by debt. We are part and parcel of this cycle of oppression, whether or not we have the presence of mind to notice and we can opt out of it with increased social consciousness. Engaging knowledge and having the power to express it are, thus, the two building blocks of the American socialist struggle—literacy and education were keystone to the perpetual Cuban revolution. And although free speech doesn’t directly correspond to material needs, it is an important cultural facet that will lead global revolution. You have seen other revolutions basically fail—liberalization of the Chinese economy, the fall of the Berlin wall, and deposed Latin American “dictators”—but if America steps into the universal struggle for liberation, it will tip the scales and there can be no failure. American economic interests, and those of global capital beyond our borders have spun such a subtle web of intrigue that we find ourselves facing each other in battle, but we know who the real criminals are. They’re not losing their homes; they’re not watching their grandparents live like urchins. Indeed, many of the rich continue to make profits while the rest of us begin to feel the suffering of other destabilized nations. By simply being aware of these things and by speaking out against them, we can begin to resist the unwitting capitalist corruption of our livelihoods and enjoy sustainable freedom. UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
SPORTS
#33, Stephan Gilling, takes it (the basketball) to the hoop. #22, Casper Ware (above), plays so well the other team does a fun little dance. #21, Larry Anderson (right), is also probably about to take the ball to the hoop. That is the object of the game.
BEACH BASKETBALL SEASON FUCKING PREVIEW THIS IS MY PAGE YOU SON OF A BITCH SO READ IT BEFORE I GET PISSED OFF ANDREW TURNER UNION STAFFER
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he wait is finally over for 49er basketball fans. The Long Beach State basketball season began with a lot of promise. Coach Monson’s recruiting is paying dividends now as the 49ers have opened up 3-1, and their run-and-gun offense has never been better. Long Beach’s team has great versatility this year. Casper Ware is proving to be a nice anchor for the 49ers from the point. Stephan Gilling and Greg Plater have been spot-on from beyond the 3-point line. The Beach is showing that they are a force to be reckoned with inside as well. Larry Anderson and T.J.
Photos
MAY ZIMMERMAN UNION STAFFER
Robinson have reached double digit points in every game this season. The 49ers opened the schedule with an 86-65 win over the visiting Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves. Long Beach dominated the game, shooting 52% from the field. The 49ers ran away from the Seawolves early, taking a 47-27 lead into halftime. The starters impressed as all five finished in double figures for the game. Larry Anderson led the team in scoring with 18 points. The Seawolves would not get any closer in the second half, and the 49ers capped their Homecoming with a wipeout victory.
Following the win in their home opener, Long Beach hit the road for a seven game road trip. The team made headlines when they defeated Pepperdine 67-58, Long Beach’s first win in Malibu since 1986. Larry Anderson led the team with 20 points, and T.J. Robinson recorded a double-double with 15 points and 10 rebounds. The 49ers opened the season 2-0. Their modest winning streak was put to an end when the team traveled to South Bend, Indiana to take on Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish. Long Beach hung with Notre Dame in the first half, trailing just 37-35 after the first 20
minutes. The Irish pulled away in the second half, due in large part to the play of star player Luke Harangody. Harangody, whose NBA draft status only seems to be climbing, finished the game with 29 points, as Notre Dame went on to win 82-62. The CSULB road trip ended with a stop in Green Bay, Wisconsin, where the 49ers came out with an 81-69 win. Stephan Gilling led the 49ers with 22 points, who were shooting the lights out from downtown. Long Beach drained nine jumpers from 3-point land, and finished the game shooting 53.7% from the field.
NBA GODDAMN PREVIEW BIG WHOOP MORE BASKETBALL. SO WHAT? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ASSHOLE MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN UNION STAFFER
After what seemed like an eternity, the MLB season finally transitioned into the NBA season, and now about a month in to the season the identity of the ’09-’10 season is beginning to emerge. Contenders The old guard comprised of the LA Lakers, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Boston Celtics will only get better this season due to off season gains, (Ron Artest for the Lakers, Shaq for the Cavs, and Rasheed Wallace for the Celtics) but that doesn’t mean that any of these teams should be shoe-ins for the finals this year. The rest of the league is too hungry to simply allow the pre-season favorites to stay on top all year. Last season saw the ascension of the Orlando Magic and Denver Nuggets, Orlando may have lost Hedo Turkoglu for the comparatively worse Vince Carter, but they still have the leagues best big man in Dwight Howard. On the other side of things, the Nuggets have lost very little, and maintain the commitment to exUNION WEEKLY
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cellent defense that lead them to the western conference finals last year. End of an Era The teams with the greatest age concerns come from Texas, the traditional center of Western Conference power. The Sonics and Mavericks have looked on the brink of collapse for a few seasons now without much fallout in the standings. This season I fully expect a fall to earth for these heavyweights. When one of your franchise stars (Manu Ginobili) can’t even dunk anymore, it’s time to rebuild. The Houston Rockets have seen a team seemingly built for the future collapse under health concerns and now stand as a team without a go-to player. The Beginning Finally some good news for those young teams patiently bidding there time until the years of first round picks payoff. The Portland Trail Blazers, Milwaukee Bucks and Oklahoma City Thunder are poised to make
some serious noise after years of silence. The Blazers have been in this bubble for a while amassing a stable of talent led by Brandon Roy. The Bucks and Thunder have been floundering for much longer than the Blaz-
ers, but great defense and new team leadership from both teams leads to the possibility of playoff contention. No matter where your team ends up this year, it’s going to be a fantastic season.
NEWS A NOT-SO-INDECENT PROPOSAL CSU FINANCIAL BOARD’S AMBITIOUS 2010 BUDGET CHELSEA STEVENS CONTRIBUTOR
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n conjunction with the Governator’s declaration of last week as “Education Week,” The California State University Board of Trustees adopted next year’s budget for the system, dubbed “Recover and Reinvest.” This 2010/2011 budget plan does indeed strive to recover and reinvest the disastrous cuts from this year, as it proposes an $884 million increase in state support to the CSU system. This would boost the General Funds from its current $2.3 billion to $3.2 billion. Naturally, the intelligent thing to ask of a nearly bankrupt state is to spare a few hundred million in change. The CSU Finance Committee’s plan isn’t quite as exorbitant as it seems; the increased state support would merely act as repayment for the huge one-time cuts we experienced this fall. The past two years have seen the state support cut by 21% to the California State University system, which has caused faculty furloughs, lay offs, and student fee increases, as we all painfully recall. 4,000 students have already been cut from the Fall 2009 semester, and CSUs expect a reduced enrollment of 40,000 students over the next two years across the 23 campuses. The new proposal, however, would fill in the gaps created by this year’s ball-kicking budget. $305 million alone would go to replacing these one-time cuts. Another $296 million would account for mandatory cost increases, as well as improving student services and instruction. In other
Illustration
AMANDA KHO
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words, we might actually get the classes we need, and may even get to pick the ones we actually want. What a concept. An additional $111 million will substitute an increase in student fees, so we won’t have to suffer the woes of those poor UCLA students whose 32% tuition increases are forcing them to drop out of school like pregnant teens. For once, we can thank the Finance Committee for not trying to dig our pockets any deeper. If implemented, this budget could do some serious reworking of our current financial situation. Faculty furloughs may finally be a thing of the past, as well as their 10% cut in salary. As previously mentioned, classes would be more abundant and spots less competitive, reducing the number of “super seniors” and consequently saving us even more money. As another added bonus, these extra funds would get our school spirit out of this furlough funk we’ve experienced this year. The psychological benefits of attending a more financially secure university would ease the stress of many students, enabling us to focus on our performance in class rather than the classes we couldn’t get. At the very least,
it would force us to complain about something other than budget cuts. Sadly, this miraculous plan may be far too good to be true. This proposal would exceed the amount of state support given to the CSU system in 2007/2008, the most recent year unaffected by recession, by $259 million. CSU Chancellor Charles B. Reed admitted the unlikely passing of the budget, stating, “This is a very ambitious budget
in these very challenging times.” To ask so much of a governor who only months ago declared California’s “wallet is empty,” is indeed quite ambitious. Schwarzenegger will submit his own budget proposal in January 2010, and a final plan will be approved next June. So to all our students out there, please pray to your non-denominational god of the CSU budget and ask them to pass our proposal. We’ll need it.
MOOT COURTS, VALID POINTS
CSULB HOSTS EIGHTH ANNUAL ACMA WESTERN REGIONAL KEVIN O’BRIEN NEWS DIRECTOR
Should a 15-year-old boy be sentenced to a life of imprisonment without the possibility of parole for the rape of another 15-year-old child? Did the police, who watched as the rape occurred, via surveillance, intended for an unrelated drug ring, need a warrant under the 4th Amendment for the surveillance equipment used? It is these hypothetical questions that will be debated over, during the 8th annual American Collegiate Moot Court Association (ACMA) Western Regional, to be hosted by CSULB. Moot Court, also known as a Supreme Court Simulation or mock Supreme Court, is a competition
that mimics an appellate court proceeding. Teams of two have 20 minutes to present an oral argument in affirmation or negation to the contention that the 15-year-old defendant’s 8th Amendment rights, protecting him from cruel and unusual punishment are being violated in trying and sentencing him as an adult. Each team will also be required to present both sides of the argument during the competition. The final panel to judge the debates has yet to be chosen, but will include judges from the federal and state levels as well as laws school deans, law clerks, past bar association presidents and member of the state bar. 36 teams
from various universities and colleges across the nation will be taking part in the debates, including 5 teams from CSULB as well as CSULB students paired with students from other schools on hybrid teams. Lewis Ringel, the director of CSULB moot court program and a political science lecturer commented on the team in a recent press release stating, “This has been one of the hardest and most dedicated groups we have had at CSULB.” The competition will begin Friday December 4th from 5pm to 9pm in the University Student Union and Health and Human Services building. It will conclude the
following day on Saturday December 5th from 9am to 3pm in the College of Business Administration. While the competition has been a long time in the making, our team has been preparing before the first semester began, Ringel confirms stating “We started working on this case in May of 2009 long before students were enrolled in the class…It is a very serious group. Yet, I think they have enjoyed the process and I look forward to seeing them have fun competing.” The ACMA Western Regional is a free event and welcomes the public to attend and view the debates. UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
CULTURE ARTS AND SCRAPS FOR YOUR IDLE HANDS: by james kislingbury, entertainment editor illustrations by jasmine gagnier, union staffer
Make A Hat
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hat’s right, reader, make a hat! Did I blow your mind? I shouldn’t have. It’s a pretty obvious idea when you get down to it. You can do plenty of “normal” and “safe” things with your turkey leftovers like “eat them” or “give them to a needy family,” but that’s just a bunch of boring jive. That isn’t for Union readers. You’ve got to live on the edge, push the boundaries of this society that’s been thrust upon you. There’s somethin’ wrong with the world today, I don’t know what it is, something’s wrong with our eyes. A turkey hat might fix all of this. So, like that famous Aerosmith song says, “Come together (make a hat out of Thanksgiving leftovers).” Why make a turkey hat (besides fighting The Man)? First off, you will make friends with a hat made out of an eviscerated, baked turkey. Maybe even influence people. People will come up to you on the street and pose such questions as, “What the hell is wrong with you?” or “Is that a damn turkey on your head?” or the timeless, “Why? Oh God, why would you ever do something like that?” Friends for life right there. If worse comes to worst and your friends and/or family throw you in a mental institution for confusing a bird with a hat (it is a serious problem facing our society), you have a story to impress the other crazies in the ward.
Create Biofuel If we know anything at the Union, we know hip. We know where to find the next big thing. We know who’s got their finger on the pulse. So we contacted one of our sources, former-Vice President and presidential ca ndidate Al Gore, to find out what’s cool right now. He told us that, right now, what is cool is going green. We did our research into this “green” business and found that nothing is more green or trendy than turning food like corn into white hot, burning fuel for your automobile. Converting several pounds of food into biofuel is a pretty easy process. All you need is some know-how, a can-do spirit, an industrial-grade Williams-Sonoma© brand stainless-steel smelting pot, a lid (for the pot), an ethanol distillery (or equivalent), a centerfuge-style liquid seperator, and a stove capable of reaching temperatures of 1,200 degrees centigrade. Pow! Just put all those things to work and in three or four weeks, your former meal will have been melted down and refined into six to eight ounces of usable biofuel (only usable in certain biofuel engines, mind you). Just make sure that you don’t shove the stuffing directly into your gas tank. Apparently, that’s “really bad for the car” and “ludicrous.” Whatever, Einstein. I don’t know what makes the car go, I just make it go. Go invent the Pulitzer Peace Prize for physics, Einstein, I’m too busy driving my car powered by a dead bird bathed in its own bath. So get off our case.
Or, You Can Just Eat It The chances of you successfully making a hat out of a turkey or running your car on cranberry biofuel are pretty slim, so I’m interrupting James’ regularly scheduled Arts and Scraps shenanigans to offer you a more filling way to use your extra turkey and cranberry sauce. Now, what would the Culture page be without a little bit of DIY gourmet cuisine? The best part about Thanksgiving is not just the 5-hour food coma, but the following week of turkey-filled tupperware you’ll be packing for lunch. I’ve searched with a grueling appetite for the ultimate recipe for Thanksgiving leftovers. The verdict? A simple, fingerlicking classic: an Open Face Turkey and Mashed Potatoes and Gravy Sandwich. Here’s what to do: Take two slices of thick ciabatta bread, a cup and a half of mashed potatoes, several slices of turkey, a little bit of cranberry sauce and some butter. Prepare a sandwich like you normally would. Then, take a dish full of gravy and drown the two ciabatta slices heavily. Serve with a lot of napkins. I guarantee you’ll be happily dripping in gravy at least ‘til Wednesday! -Kathy Miranda, Culture Editor
UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
ENTERTAINMENT CITY OF LIFE AND DEATH THE NANKING MASSACRE AND A FAILED HISTORY LESSON KELVIN HO
CONTRIBUTOR, MAD MEN EXTRAORDINAIRE
M
ore than a decade ago, my brother introduced me to a book called The Rape of Nanking by the late Iris Chang. A book that tells of the “forgotten holocaust of World War II,” where hundreds of thousands of Chinese civilians and soldiers were brutally massacred in Nanking by the Japanese army over a three week period. The Rape of Nanking exposed me to a history lesson that was denied to me by Western schools. Still too young to fully digest its profundity and magnitude, but old enough to feel its significance, the story of Nanking was forever engrained in my conscience. There have been cheap melodramatic works about the Nanking massacre, but none of them truly serve justice to the story. So imagine my elation when I discovered that Lu Chuan, an up-and-coming Chinese director, was releasing City of Life and Death, the first serious narrative delving into the Nanking massacre. That fervor slowly dissipated as soon as the film started unfolding. City of Life and Death, a title that pays homage, but pales in comparison to director Hou Hsiao-hsien’s subtle and historical masterpiece A City of Sadness, is a quintessential example of poor translation of history into film. It is as if director Lu Chuan took every historical incidence from the book and visualized it, constructing an episodic film that is sloppy and futile. The saddest truth regarding the “rape of Nanking” is not so much the considerable amount of deaths tallied in such a short period of time but the repulsive manner behind the acts. War prisoners were herded like sheep and later mowed down by machine guns. Chinese women were so brutally raped that many
lost their lives. The men were decapitated with samurai swords, stabbed with bayonets, and buried alive. Children were thrown out of buildings. Some were even used as target practice. It is numbing just to thumb through it in the pages but to actually see it in widescreen is paralyzing. Although the film leaves certain things to the imagination, I am still trying to fathom the necessity of unsubtly depicting a scene where a little girl is tossed out of a window and falls to her death. Lu Chuan should be commended for showing the reality but he is also guilty of a huge disservice. Through this bold and impudent attempt of materializing the unfathomable, Lu Chuan is also caricaturing and distancing it. A crowd who are well read in Nanking’s history might fall under its spell, but those outside of the circle will have to cautiously question its historical validity and its enactment. If anything, Steven Spielberg’s greatest accomplishment in Schindler’s List is his ability to sentimentalize a monumental tragedy. A shot of a little girl in a red dress becomes synecdochical for the millions who perished. It reminds me of Stalin when he said that “one death is a tragedy; a million is a statistic.” With a single protagonist serving as an empathetic cushion, Schindler’s List is sincere, credible, and moving in its presentment of the Holocaust. Though honest, City of Life and Death shoved me emotionally to the side. Lu Chuan’s attempt at making an epic film in which no particular figure is centralized is laudable. Following the communist tendencies of Chinese artists, where the mass is the focus, Lu Chuan details the historicity through an assortment of figures. Yet, the episodic and
self-reflexive nature of this film adds no depth. The structure is dependent on one tragedy after another. Characters are merely puppets in which to chronicle these events. The civilians are rarely explored internally. The Japanese troops are blandly designed as mere violent savages. It is a film about the people; yet, it is unusually impersonal. In the end, the film is simply unsure of what it wants to be as it teeters between box-office mainstream and an artful independent. Nonetheless, I still implore you to at least watch City of Life and Death for its account on a forgotten history. Perchance its history will rouse you in the same measure the book had on me. 2.5 out of 5 Exclamation Points!
WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU? THE LEAGUE WILL MAKE YOUR DICK INTO A TREE KEVIN O’BRIEN
Illustration
NEWS DIRECTOR, CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL
Are you a man? No, you’re not, but do you know who is? The men of The League, that’s who. They are men among women, idiots, and politicians. I will clarify that statement later. The League centers around five friends: Pete, Kevin, Ruxin, Taco, and Andre who make up a fantasy football league. Fantasy football is a game that relates to real NFL games. Players act as team managers, a draft is held just like in the NFL for digital versions of professional football players. Each week games are held in which the statistics that were generated for that week’s real life football games are used to determine the outcomes of the digital games. If you had drafted Adrian Peterson and he made a touchdown in reality you get the point during the corresponding fantasy game. What happens during the NFL games affects your fantasy team and standing in the league, you win or lose based on the real life stats of your players. If you still don’t understand, it doesn’t matter because the show’s humor doesn’t necessitate a working knowledge of fantasy football. There’s an abundance of sports-related UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
JASMINE GAGNIER UNION STAFFER
jokes but nothing really fantasy football specific. Nothing overly geeky and nothing that a casual football fan wouldn’t be able to enjoy. From the five episodes that have run so far, two things are clear: one, there is a real sense of comradery; and two, the show is a humor avalanche. When the show is over, you feel like you just got done hanging out and screwing around with your friends, or at least who you wish your friends were. However, you also feel like you’re going to die from all the funny that launched through your television. The League runs on FX at 10:30pm on Thursdays after Its Allways Sunny In Philadelphia. A solid block of absurd comedy that follows NBCs impressive lineup including 30 Rock, The Office, and Community, the women, idiots and politicians I previously spoke of. After all that estrogen, stupidity and redtape, albeit hilarious, you’ll need to regain some of your manhood. What better way to do so then with your feet up, your pants off, and your mouth filled to the brim with beer and pistachios watching a show about guys like you watching television and fucking with one another.
ENTERTAINMENT
CINE CULTTHE PROPOSITION AUSTRALIA, WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? JAMES KISLINGBURY
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR, RAISON D’ETRE
I
t’s probably telling that The Proposition is one of my favorite films, since it’s one of the most stark and depressing films that’s come out in the past decade. It’s also the single best western to come out since Unforgiven, which is strange considering the film was written and directed by Australians and takes place on the same continent. It is an unusual place for a setting, but like Sergio Leone’s comic book melodramas or Akira Kurosawa’s samurai-filled iterations, taking the western down under breathes life into the genre. It’s an odd choice, but it’s the kind of choice that keeps the western alive. The director of the film is John Hillcoat, an Australian who recently released the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. He’s clearly a man who knows how to put together a good movie, but what elevates The Proposition above most other films is the screenplay written by musician-cum-novelist-cum-former-heroin-addict Nick Cave, who also handles the score with bandmate Warren Ellis (not to be confused with the comic writer of the same name). Cave, though an Australian exile living in England, has an excellent handle on the western and American writing, an influence that’s quite clear in both his lyrics and in his debut Southern gothic novel, And The Ass Saw an Angel. The film takes place in the year 1880, back before Australian independence, racial tolerance, and dental hygiene. The Australia of The Proposition isn’t the place we laughed at in that one episode of The Simpsons. Instead of koalas and lame jokes about knives, this Australia is one that’s basically unknown to us and, as I understand it, unknown to even the Aussies. This land is a fly-filled hellhole rife with delusional government officials, psychopaths, wars with the natives, and miles and miles of dirt. If the entirety of the
United Kingdom was shaken up, all of the loose pieces of trash and deritus would wind up in Hillcoat and Cave’s vision the Land Down Under. It’s in this topsy-turvy terminal that our protagonist, Irish immigrant Charlie Burns (Guy Pearce) finds himself caught up. The opening of the film is rather telling. It begins with the police ambushing Charlie and his youngest brother, Mike, at a brothel in the middle of the desert stocked solely with Chinese prostitutes. It’s a loud, brutal fight and ends with the two Burns brothers captured by police. But they aren’t executed or sent to prison. Instead, police Captain Morris Stanley (Ray Winstone) offers them a proposition: If Charlie Burns kills his eldest brother, Arthur who is “an abomination,” by Christmas Day, Stanley will let Charlie and his younger brother go free, absolved of all of their crimes. If not, Mike will be put to death for the crimes of the two older brothers. From there, the movie unspools into an anarchic, bloody race against time across the sun scorched wilderness of Australia. The eponymous proposition is about as Biblical (or maybe Faustian) of a pact as could ever be made, but unlike the Bible, there’s no moral to be found, there’s no lesson to be learned, and nothing seems to occur according to any divine purpose. Things just happen and they’re incredibly ugly when they do. The world of The Proposition is deeply flawed and demonstrates just how messy things can be when humans try to do the right thing. It’s an interesting inversion on the typical representation of the western as the forces of good battle the forces of evil, and it’s what makes this movie more than just a simple piece of genre. The film is also chock-full of wonderful acting, includ-
ing a performance by one of my favorite character actors of all time: John Hurt. Hurt plays Jellon Lamb, a verbose and sadistic bounty hunter, adventurer, and “man of no little education.” Hurt’s career has spanned about 50 years and he’s acted in projects ranging from fantastic fare like Hellboy and Alien to more serious dramas such as Midnight Express and The Elephant Man, as well as the other great western of the past two decades, Dead Man. With all of these films in mind, I’d be hard-pressed to find a movie where he’s more engaging than here. He’s creepy, threatening, and hilarious all wrapped into one man. Now, while he is my favorite actor in the film, he’s really a part of a much larger ensemble of great actors. There’s the beautiful Emily Watson (Punch Drunk Love; Synecdoche, New York), as the delicate, but frustrated wife of Captain Stanley, as well as David Wenham (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 300) as the wonderfully named Eden Fletcher, the dandiest authoritarian that ever drifted into the Victorian Outback. Danny Huston (son of the great actor/director John Huston) is also great as the villainous older brother, Arthur, who is as vicious and frightening as he is charming, a difficult combination to pull off and is entirely appropriate for this film. It’s a shame to know that The Proposition’s unrelenting grimness will keep a lot of people from seeing it and just as many from finishing it. Their loss, I suppose, because despite the film’s bleak treatment of humanity (and of Australia), there’s still a beauty to be found in all this. Hillcoat’s film shows that as wicked as we might become, there’s still redemption to be had, if only we can find it. There’s plenty more to be sussed out of the film, but if there’s anything more significant, I’d be hard-pressed to find it.
UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
MUSIC MUSICAL DISSONANCE // JOHN MAYER VS
VOTE AGAINST MAYER BY MATT DUPREE
John Mayer is an inexcusably awful human being, and no amount of gold records or swooning hipster apologists will change that. Let’s look at the indie case for John Mayer, point by point. Some say that since he’s a talented guitarist, he’s allowed to wheeze and mumble out love songs for Jessica Simpson and still be “hip.” Well, guess what, indie ladies? He’s not a great guitar player. East Bay Ray is a great guitar player, and how many of you “Music People” know who he is? John Mayer is a cute boy who writes love songs, he could play harmonica with his asshole and the girls would still buy it. Even the hip ones. Especially the hip ones. The only way a John Mayer fan would ever hear good blues music is if they accidentally bought a John Mayall album. But what about his collaborations with guitar greats such as B.B. King? King was doing 300 shows a year when he was in his sixties: he’s not going to turn down a million dollars for a day’s work with some pop star. Now some of you may retort, as you peek your head out of Forever 21, “He’s a selfaware pop star!” Well, ladies, you can’t date Jennifer Aniston ironically. There’s nothing self-deprecating about coming out with a line of sneakers. Maybe that’s what you need to tell yourself so that you can masturbate to “Daughters,” but it ain’t so. And if his fans were actually concerned with him as a musician, why did his lone John Mayer Trio album (his half-assed attempt at aping the power-trio style of Chicago blues) sell so poorly compared to his other albums? Because none of his fans know shit about shit. If he really hates the lowest-common-denominator image that he’s been “trapped” in, why doesn’t he stop? Because he loves his fanbase, and what’s more, he loves their money. So don’t cry for the poor, misunderstood John Mayer, forced to dry-hump teenage girls for ridiculous sums of money. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and he knows you’ll let him get away with it.
VOTE FOR MAYER BY CAITLIN CUTT
Since Room For Squares, that man has been responsible for a lot—and I mean an impressive amount—of sex in this country. That, as far as I am concerned, is a winwin, win situation. What we are really grappling with is the Bro-Ho factor. The Bro-Ho is the primary target for Mayer and his people, and no one that combs 4th Street looking for vintage sunglasses wants to be associated with the Bro-Ho. Bro-Hos go to malls and buy things like $200 sweatpants that say “sexy.” The other problem is that John Mayer is kind of a douche. Even the Bro-Ho is aware that Mayer is a douche. However, the Bro-Ho has less of a problem with his doucheyness because every guy she’s dated is a douche. The Bro-Ho has experience in loving a man who is literally capitalizing on her daddy issues. She justifies her love for Mayer like she always does: “But he’s so funny and, such a good guitar player.” But for people who consider themselves “music people” (you know who you are—I do), these are actually the reasons we all like John Mayer. We like that he’s a talented musician. And he is really, really funny. In fact, if you’ve seen John Mayer Has a TV Show, you realize that Mayer is even aware of his Dooney & Bourke toting fanbase. He doesn’t like them either and he just makes fun of them. Mayer’s a genuinely talented guy, Music People, but he got snapped up by the industry, and made lonely women feel sexy before the Indie scene ever became a mainstream way to make a living. He’s like a pop star from the ‘50s, forced to coexist, and still somehow thrive, with bands like The Arcade Fire...and look, if Eric Clapton jams with the guy he’s got to be worth a damn. I promise you, John Mayer is just as confused about John Mayer as we all are.
TOP FIVE ARTISTS THAT SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW JAMES KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
1 2 3 4 5
KEITH RICHARDS
The guitarist for the Rolling Stones is the ultimate rock star who should have been taken out. Nothing can kill him, not heroin and not falling out of a tree. The reason he hasn’t died yet (and will likely never die) is because he’s so full of chemicals that he’s actually managed to pickle himself.
BB KING
Blues musicians, like jazz musicians, are a kind of endangered species. You almost expect them to be dead. King not only defies the limitations of his age, but is actually flourishing. The man is still touring and releasing albums, not bad for a man slightly younger than the Magna Carta.
IGGY POP
Every time I look at Iggy Pop, I marvel at the fact that he hasn’t simply rotted away into a mummy—he looks like the half-life of Uranium. Pop not only survived drug addiction and the entirety of the Cold War, but he actually seems to be getting stronger as the years go on. Just look at that guy. He’s the buffest wrinkle ever to be produced by David Bowie.
JERRY LEE LEWIS
The singer of “Great Balls of Fire” doesn’t so much epitomize a hard and fast living rock star as he does a man who simply doesn’t give a shit. It’s one thing to go through high school or college this way, but to do it for nearly 50 years while full of Jack Daniels, diet pills, and armed with a fully loaded .357 magnum, it takes some doing.
CHUCK BERRY
While Chuck Berry probably didn’t do anything that Lewis or Richards didn’t do, those two also aren’t quasi-sex criminals. In the 1990s, he opened up a restaurant with the express purpose of filming women urinating. So, unlike everyone else on this list, he might actually just be a guy that deserves death. UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
A PIXIES SHTICK ALEXANDRA SCIARRA UNION STAFFER
I forgot what it was like to be 14-years-old until last night. I bought my tickets to go see the Pixies on principle only. They’re your favorite band, I said reaching for my credit card to buy my ticket two months ago. The first song I had ever learned on the guitar was “Wave of Mutilation” in the sixth grade. At that moment I became an alt-bitch. Frank Black’s primal scream meets Kim Deals melodic come hither had been absolutely unlike anything I’d ever heard before. Take your Nirvana, I subscribe to the godfathers of rock. Your Rivers Cuomo carbon copies would be nothing without the Pixies. When I saw them in 2004, the set list left me completely satisfied, so I’ll admit I was skeptical when I heard that at the Palladium, the Pixies would be celebrating the 20th anniversary of their breakthrough 1989 Doolittle by playing only that album. Surely then I thought, this would be a concert of appreciation, where I could stand around and take in the Pixies. Even the light fixtures were grown up, Paper Mache orbs made me feel as though I was in the living room the Pixies built. More tonic water and cheese? Sure. The façade of intimate art gallery continued when a screening of Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dali’s 1929 surrealist silent film Un Chien Andalou played on the screen before the band took the stage. Slicing up eyeballs, I got the reference and without a doubt I expected them to rip into “Debaser,” I was wrong, they started the set by performing some b-sides like “Dancing the Manta Ray” and “Weird at My School,” which left the crowd more confused than into it. This set the tone for what I expected to be a mature gathering to commemorate the coming together of four people who’s relationship for the past 14 years has been anything but amicable. I was misinformed, at the onset of “Debaser,” five songs into the set, the crowd freaked out, we were no longer in a made up art gallery and we were rough with each other. After “Tame” I felt like I needed to buy guitarist Joey Santiago breakfast at the adjacent Denny’s. Throughout the show the band was silhouetted, and unlike the many limelight bands, their egos and performance were understated and like their poetic lyrics there’s a certain ambiguity to the band. At the beginning of the show I felt blasé and disappointed with myself for not having the same unabashed passion I had for the Pixies when I was younger. I thought I had changed, but really I didn’t. During “Monkey Gone to Heaven,” my initial reaction, like everyone else in the crowd, was to throw up my hands and dictate the digits to “if man is five, and Devil is six, then God is seven.” It just makes so much sense. By the end of the show, disappointment faded to happiness and the Pixies and their music taught me that letting go will get you places, like shoved up to the front railing by the second encore.
LITERATURE Extremely Loud and incredibly gross ILLUMINATING EATING ANIMALS LEO PORTUGAL
J
CONTRIBUTOR
onathan Safran Foer steps away from the realm of fiction in his most recent work, Eating Animals. Part memoir, part journalism, Eating Animals, is Foer’s quest to discover what meat is. The book’s first chapter is titled “Storytelling,” and storytelling is certainly one of Foer’s strengths. He tells stories of his grandmother’s cooking as he begins to dissect the important place of food in culture and society. He recounts the numerous times he has become vegetarian and remembers romantic notions of becoming a better person, but also remembers making “too many such vows to trust them anymore.” That was until his son was born. His friend told him, “Everything is possible again,” and he believed nothing better could have been said. As Foer sets out to research where meat comes from, he determines that he must research factory farms, the leading meat
producers of this era. The middle of the book gives us the task of reading case after case of chickens, pigs and cows living and dying under horrific conditions. These are conditions most people have become aware of. We’ve all been handed PETA-sponsored flyers, some of us have even been shown videos of factory farms. Foer says it himself: “Those alive today are the generations that came to know better. We have the burden and the opportunity of living in the moment when the critique of factory farming broke into popular consciousness.” Because of this, stretches of the book become a trudge. But perhaps that is the point. The numerous vivid descriptions of the everyday horrors of factory farming can certainly be more powerful than simple statistics. Foer meets an interesting cast of characters from both ends of the food agriculture and animal rights spectrums.
A nice change of pace is provided with the inclusion of letters from these people which include an animal-rights activist, a factory farmer, a small-scale poultry farmer, a vegetarian cattle rancher and a vegan who builds slaughterhouses. They all come across as good and intelligent people, who truly believe in what they are doing. The final chapter, titled “Storytelling” just like the first, concludes the book brilliantly. Foer recounts the last Thanksgiving of his childhood and wonders what sorts of stories his son will tell about Thanksgiving. Although in the first chapter Foer insists that this book is not a straightforward case for vegetarianism, it certainly makes a very strong case for it. As for myself, yesterday my dad asked me why I decided to get tofu from Panda Express. “Trying to eat healthy?” He asked. I told him that I had just decided to be vegetarian. “That’s a good reason,” he said.
FROM WONDER BOY TO WONDER MENSCH
MICHAEL CHABON’S MANHOOD FOR AMATEURS JOE BRYANT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
He isn’t gay. Not that it’d be bad if Michael Chabon were, he just isn’t. For years, ever since his debut novel Mysteries of Pittsburgh came out, he’s been labeled as a gay writer, a bi writer. It’s all bullshit though; Chabon just happens to write a lot about gay, Jewish young men. It’s one of his things. I’ll be first to admit that I’ve told tons of people that he’s bi (dude’s been married twice to a woman, so I figured he wasn’t gay). To my credit, he was first mistaken as gay in Newsweek, so it’s not really my fault (and Chabon credits the error as career-bolstering). I didn’t know how wrong I was, however, before I picked up Manhood for Amateurs.
FISHIN’ FOR CONTENT
WE CAUGHT ONE!!!
A collection of both published and unpublished personal essays, Manhood for Amateurs is the author’s first major work of non-fiction, and functions as a pseudo-autobiography. You can’t call it a pure autobiography— the guy’s life is nowhere near its end (fingers crossed) and the essays are structured thematically rather than chronologically—but Manhood for Amateurs gives you a clear vision of Chabon’s lifelong struggle between acting like and being a man. In one essay, Chabon laments how men have to use their pockets to carry day-today essentials like wallets, keys and cell phones, and uses his discontent
to endorse the man purse and simultaneously admits to being a user himself. Murses aside, there is absolutely nothing about being a homosexual man in Manhood for Amateurs. Plenty about sexuality, but nil when it comes to manon-manhood action, which is precisely why I scoured the internet for evidence of Chabon’s grave omittance, only to find out I had it wrong all along. Which is kind of perfect, really. Manhood for Amateurs is about uprooting misconceptions, Chabon’s and yours, and replanting them in fertile, untainted soil. It’s a book that makes you ache—your heart from mutual understanding, your cheeks from smiling.
A little while ago I asked you guys for a response, an EXACTLY 100-word response to a really, really stupid question. We caught a lot of quips, and released all but one big, sexy, 100-word fish. Q: What would you do with a drunken sailor? A: by Richard Levinson My dad, an ex-sailor, got drunk and drove his car into a house. He died on impact, but put 3 children into comas and ripped the face off of the grandmother. Because he was drunk, his life and car insurance refused to pay. My mother was in almost a million dollars of property damage and law suits. She killed herself with a knife by sawing into her thigh. She strangled my little sisters before going, too. As the only surviving member of my family, I have inherited the collective debt. But it’s okay; Modern Warfare 2 comes out this week. UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
Photo
PHOTO EDITOR
ANDREW LEE
CREATIVE ARTS
UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
Poetry
EDDIE JORDAN CONTRIBUTOR
COMICS Forgotten Fall by Jeff Chang
Garage Sketchbook by elisa
The Kids Are Alright by Ken C.
jeff.chang.art @gmail.com
http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
Across 1- Coil 5- Long stories 10- Big brass 14- Icicle site 15- Babble 16- Slaughter of baseball 17- At what time 18- Allow to enter 19- Narrow opening 20- Minimize 23- Concert venue 24- Discourage 25- Injured 28- Impersonator 30- Rhythmic swing 31- Walks 36- Building add-on 37- OK to vend 39- Suffix with Capri 40- To keep company as a friend 42- Orsk’s river 43- Describes a gently cooked steak 44- Fill with horror 46- Long-winded speech 49- Large cat 51- Cluster 56- ___ breve 57- Charged 58- Elation
60- Nothing, in Nantes 61- Chew the scenery 62- Coop group 63- This, in Tijuana 64- Female horses 65- Digits of the foot Down 1- Kareem, once 2- Island of Hawaii 3- Bakery fixture 4- Hanging ornament 5- Was merciful to 6- “As You Like It” forest 7- Type of ray 8- Take ___ from me 9- Clockmaker Thomas 10- Mosaic piece 11- Dark 12- Alcoholic drink 13- Fall bloomer 21- Before 22- Designer Simpson 25- Entreaty 26- Has a bug 27- Ailments of body or society 28- French clergyman
29- Monetary unit of Afghanistan 31- Winglike parts 32- Floor covering 33- When said three times, a 1970 war movie 34- Bibliography abbr. 35- Exchange for money 37- Dandruff 38- Atmosphere 41- Aromatic herb 42- Vertical 44- Playing marbles 45- Domestic animal 46- Frighten 47- Ancient Greek city-state 48- Bay 49- Domingo, for one 50- Angry 52- City near Provo 53- Baby’s cry 54- Bread spread 55- Branta sandvicensis 59- Pothook shape
Penultimate Issue!
e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Student Union Office 239
ANSWERS Crabby Times by JANTZEN
UNION WEEKLY
30 NOVEMBER 2009
Disclaimer:
“He pushes his piss out real hard, like a jet engine.”
This publication is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Shittlesticks. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
Volume 65 Issue 13
Monday, November 30th, 2009
Black Friday Refugees Stranded Inside Local Best Buy
LBUNION.COM
Oh, That’s Rich! OP-ED BY GLORIA DINKLE
BY SEXUAL RANDY Starting as early as Monday, November 21st, hundreds of people began to line up around the local Best Buy. Setting up tents, beach umbrellas and blood clots, the potential patrons anxiously awaited Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving shopping frenzy in which legions of malnourished, cold shoppers descend on retail merchants for deals the likes of which have only been seen exactly the year before and constantly on the internet. “It was fucking madness Friday morning. People got into fights over Snuggies. Ripped ’em all to shreds. Now we’re out of Snuggies. Who’s going to tell the children? Not me,” deflected Best Buy Snuggies Squad Crew Member G.W. Hundall. However, last Friday, dozens of shoppers have been displaced from their native homes and are forced to wander Best Buy without food or aid, a sorry state that Best Buy general manager Kyle Lutz says is not likely to change soon. “Between our employees and our daily customers, there’s just no way we have the resources to help these people,” said Lutz. “If they want help they can find one of our Specialists patrolling the floor and ask them for help finding Rosetta Stone. Maybe after
A refugee crawls towards the Geek Squad, hoping in vain that there he will find a Monster energy drink.
a few listens they’ll learn English and then get a job. Best Buy does not offer handouts, just Behind Enemy Lines 2: Axis of Evil on DVD for $6.99.” Employees first noticed the refugees building a lean-to and attempting to start a small cooking fire in the Magnolia Home Theater, 15 minutes before closing shop on Black Friday. Appliances supervisor Connie Angler had to scare them away with a floor buffer. “Normally an Elton John concert DVD keeps people from hanging out in the Theater for too long. But today, someone swapped it for a John Mayer Sings Black Hymns with a Lisp: LIVE and goddamnit if it isn’t soulful!” yelled employee Graig FcHishch. This is in no way a plight limited to the marauding denizens of Best Buy. Across the country refugees can be
seen huddling outside closed Circuit City locations, without the luxury of air conditioning and 24/7, 12-second clips from Wanted and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. These refugees have been seen pawing the doors until their bloody fingernails fall off, ignorant of the ramifications the recession had on the former electronics superstore. We spoke to one of the Circuit City vagrants, Jonathan Cobb, who said, “Most of us haven’t seen our families in a few days, and who knows if we still have jobs. But there’ve been rumors spreading that they’re gonna open the doors tomorrow at 10am. You just gotta hope, y’know?” Hope, however, is obviously lost for the naïve Jonathan Cobb who will pray to his God for hours tomorrow morning only to die without an afterlife.
Last week I attended a CSULB panel on the topic of the school’s budget. Umm, shya? I know. Big mistake. These big wigs in suits come out and start blabbing about “fiscal this” and “tuition that.” Okay, you damn wigs, where are the solutions? That’s what I was saying in my brain and my heart. I couldn’t control my mouth after that, probably due to the brain/heart discrepancy mentioned earlier. I freaking tore the panel apart. Some older gentleman walks up and starts talking about the budget B.S. He says that everyone is “working hard” on finding a solution. The words just came tumbling out of my mouth. “OH, THAT’S RICH!” I shouted. It echoed off the walls as everyone sat in silence. I was just saying what we were all thinking. What are you people going to do about it? I didn’t say that, but you could tell by my face that was what I was thinking. The guy up there keeps talking like it’s no big deal. “Hrm,
well, okay. We are planning on taking big steps forward starting now,” says the fat cat. “Oh! Oh, oh yeah, that’s really rich,” I said again with sarcasm that you could practically taste. The guy could tell nobody was buying his deceit and he sat down. Everyone looked back at me and congratulated me through glares and shaking their head. Some other guy in a fancy suit comes up to say some more bullhonky. Not with me in the audience! As he sat up I shouted the cleverest diss I could muster, “Oh yeah buddy, that’s rich!” That shut him up. He just sat back down in his chair and whispered something to his fat neighbor. “Oh yeah pal, I bet what you whispered was just RICH. You too, chubby! You’re probably thinking something rich.” I just couldn’t control my frustration and sharp tongue. Then after that some security guard comes out and starts dragging me away because some people couldn’t handle the venom. “Oh yeah Mr. Bigshot security! That’s really rich, pal. It’s rich you hear me? RIIIICH!” I shouted as they dragged me to an adjacent room. I was then treated to a delicious chocolate fountain at the snack table. “Now THIS is rich!” I said. Goodnight folks.
INSIDE
Mom Lets “Cock” Slip into Saying Grace
Area mother Susan Ridgewater accidentally let the word “cock” slip into her prayer last Thursday before Thanksgiving dinner. Her youngest son Steven, age 7, took it to mean that cock was no longer a “no-no word” and proceeded to use it throughout the remainder of the meal. Steven was even quoted saying, “Please pass the cocked potatoes grandpa, you cock.” Mrs. Ridgewater killed herself after dinner. PAGE COQ
Italian Mother Wonders if You’ve Eaten Yet Italian ma Vicky Moltisanti reportedly “just wants to know if you’ve eaten yet. That’s all.” Often times Mrs. Moltisanti will remain quiet for several minutes only to interrupt conversation by yelling “Mangia!” Family members seated at the table have been known to finish their plate at breakneck speeds only to sprint away before Mrs. Moltisanti has the opportunity to shovel more baked Ziti onto their plates. Neighbors report to having seen Mrs. Moltisanti walk around town in just an apron force-feeding children spoonfuls of Rigatoni. PAGE W0P
Hideously Deformed Pedophile Comes Back from Grave, Haunts Dreams PAGE E1M