66.01

ISSUE 66.01 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief

RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

Managing Editor

joeb.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com clay.union@gmail.com

SIMONE HARRISON

simone.union@gmail.com

KEVIN O’BRIEN

kevinob.union@gmail.com

Opinions Editor News Director

ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Literature Editor & PR

JAMES KISLINGBURY

Entertainment Editor & PR

RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA

Creative Arts Editor

rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com

KATHY MIRANDA

kathym.union@gmail.com

SOPHISTICATED BEAR

Grunion Editor

bear.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

Art Director/Cover

ANDREW LEE Photo Editor

MIKE PALLOTTA

On-Campus Distribution

KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Advertising Executive

LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR(S)

jamesk.union@gmail.com

victorpc.union@gmail.com

Culture Editor

THE GREAT I AM

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor

JOE VERSUS

andyk.union@gmail.com

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, JASON OPPLIGER, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, JEFF CHANG, KELVIN HO, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, STEVEN TRAN, SHELDON GANNT, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JOHN YANG, JO JAMISON, MATTHEW TOWLES, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, SHANNON COVEY, JAMIE KARSON, CHELSEA STEVENS, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, MARCO BELTRAN, JASMINE GAGNIER

Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication.

However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length.

The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com

JOE BRYANT

A

pologies are in order, as you were deprived of your Union last week. The blame can be placed squarely at the feet of God, who reneged His promise to never flood Long Beach and southern LA County ever again.

The flood may have been a blessing in disguise, though. You see, this week’s feature article (or “featch”) may have not happened if not for divine intervention.

The hot chick featch has been a running gag in the office for years. True, this is a surprisingly tasteful feature about some beautiful students here, which I’m sure will disappoint the writers of this week’s letters, but fuck it. We have achieved The Ultimate!

Outside of occasionally having really bad sex with each other and turning the office into a backstabbing incest-pool, Union staffers get laid less often than The Girl Without a Face (Juliana Wetmore: image search IMMEDIATELY).

Chalk it up to anime obsession, passion for shitty movies, an absurd focus on masturbatory opinion pieces no one ever reads or just general fatness, but male staffers jerk off constantly, usually minutes before putting the paper together. The result? Most of these print-focused handfuckers still feel ashamed hours after starting production. And thus, a “hot chicks” feature never takes shape, as it would only serve as a grim reminder of the lonely reality living outside.

That said, kudos to Joe Bryant on consistently getting laid by a girl who has NEVER allowed any of his fellow editors’ junk in her mouth…I think. May the pages of this issue stick together for years to come!

Elijah Bates Union EIC 2004-2005 Mr. Bryant: Who the fuck are you to approach me with an assignment? Especially when you owe me six months’ back-rent for living in my shadow. However, if you’re

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

the man who finally goes to press with the coveted Hot Chick feature, that will settle all debts. Be warned: this has been whispered about among Union brass for decades. “Most Anticipated” doesn’t justify the expectation. Watchmen this thing and I’ll smash your teeth.

Succeed, and the Unholy Trinity of male readership needs is complete: dick jokes, fart jokes, and hot chicks. That will satisfy our audience until women learn to read. Until then, their place in the Union is on both covers and every page inbetween, wearing the least amount of clothing lawfully allowed.

Now, Joe, with this feature, we former EICs welcome you to the rooftop of the publishing world. Observe the view of all those amateurs. Fuck this up and we’ll shove you off. We’re that passionate about the Hot Chicks featch.

Your Hero, Patrick Dooley Union EIC 2005-2006 From 2003-2007, the Union’s hot girl feature was like some sort of sexy Loch Ness monster. It was spoken of only in rumor and legend. Editorial meetings would be derailed discussing the logistics of such a feature. What would it be?

Who would they be? Why would we do it? Why would they do it? Those questions never found answers. The details of the feature were as sketchy as a black and white photo of Nessy herself.

Smash cut to last week when Joe dropped the news on me that the feature was actually happening. I was shocked and delighted. It was like finding out we had a black president; sure, it could happen, but I never thought I’d see it in my lifetime.

So I must congratulate Joe and the rest of the Union, for they have done the unthinkable and found Nessie. And to our surprise, she looks damn good in a short skirt.

Brian Dunning Union EIC 2006-2007

Dear Joe and Union Staffers, For Christ’s sake, am I the only one who thinks a feature about the origins of a feature is a little TOO UNION even for the Union? Good luck though. And for what it’s worth I still think the “Retard” featch should be fleshed out. I really think that story has legs.

Ryan Kobane Union EIC 2007-2008 P.S. If Erin, Rachel or Kathy end up on the cover, consider this our last correspondence.

Kobane didn’t get the memo that we were actually doing the featch. Oh, and Kathy and Erin are on the cover. So, goodbye forever.

The Union, by 2008, had built up some integrity. Keeping that integrity intact, we managed to kick out most of the anime fans and gain some female staffers. In fact, at the time at least half of our editorial staff was female, and somewhat attractive. The female editors, willing to appear on covers and in feature articles, were attractive enough to basically get away with doing a “hot chick” feature every week without ever calling it a “hot chick” feature. We merely disguised each bit of content as being something about veganism, shooting guns, women’s soccer, or even “Culture Page.” The problem we always had with hot chick feature was that we never thought we could get hot chicks to talk to us (let alone let us take their photo). But you figured out how to make the impossible possible by having the hot chicks on staff do the talking/photographing for us.

Congratulations on having the balls and brains to make it happen.

Michael “Beef ” Pallotta Union EIC 2008-2009 Who knows? Joe knows.

Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

OPINIONS HAPPINESS

NOT JUST FOR WARM GUNS ANYMORE ERIN HICKEY

T

Illustration

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owards the end of August, I realized that I was in a funk. I was generally pessimistic and irritable, and had been consistently, for about six months. Of course, I had moments of happiness-bliss even, but they were the exception to the rule.

Overall, my base happiness level, the amount of contentment I felt when there were no external influences, was lower than it had ever been before. I don’t want to say that I was depressed, because that’s melodramatic, and wasn’t really the case. I was just going through a period of constant negativity, and I probably wasn’t a very pleasant person to be around.

I knew it, too. I knew I was becoming this horrible negative and judgmental person, but I felt like I couldn’t control it. I kept coming up with things to blame it on, but never any way to fix it. This was an entirely new feeling for me. I’d had bad weeks before, but never bad months, and certainly never bad half-years. In the past, I comforted myself with the knowledge that I’d feel better in a few days, but it just wasn’t happening.

So the point is (I think I have a

BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER

point), by the end of August, I realized that if I didn’t get happy, and quick, I was going to stay miserable for another six months, and then another year, and eventually, I would no longer be a happy person who was having a rough time, I would just be an unhappy person. So I just decided to be happy. I said to myself, “Self, this is some bullshit you’ve been up to,” slapped myself like Cher in Moonstruck, and said, “Snap out of it!” And you know what? I did.

It was that easy.

I had tried everything: moving into a new apartment, quitting my job, even doctors’ visits on the offchance it was a nutrition thing, and ultimately realized that it was a me thing. I had built up so much bitterness and resentment for things that I probably had every right to be bitter and resentful about, but had never let bother me before, that I was letting it control my life. Ultimately, all I had to do was change my attitude. I still have all of the same problems I had before, but somehow they just don’t seem as significant anymore.

It started raining a week ago, while I was riding my bike home from a

friend’s house. It was a perfectly clear day when I left my apartment, then all of a sudden it just started pouring, halfway through my ride home. And do you know what I did? I laughed.

Out loud. I threw my head back and laughed like a drowning turkey. And not in a “well, what’re you gonna do?” kind of way either. It was a completely genuine and unexpected moment of pure joy, and it was as easy as just deciding to be happy.

BUM’S THE WORD LONG BEACH BUMS ARE THE WORST BUMS IN THE WORLD MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

The homeless don’t seem to wander Long Beach nearly as much as other cities (Portland, San Francisco, etc.), however there’s one distinct difference between our hometown hobos and the ones elsewhere—ours are fucking assholes (with the exception of Bob Hurt).

The week Long Beach flooded, I didn’t go outside for four days (I ate so much delivery—try the new Domino’s pizza, it’s not that bad), when I finally peaked my head out to get some fresh air, I walked down the street, and without even getting half a block, this guy started yelling at me from across the street.

He wanted to ask me for something.

Desperate for any semblance of human contact, I smiled and waved him over.

Once the cars cleared up and he made it across, he asked for some change for a coffee. I let him know that I didn’t have anything on me, let alone a single bill.

UNION WEEKLY

His face got all scrunched up in confused anger. He then acted like I had wasted his time and, raising his voice, asked how I could go out without any money on me. This has happened to me three times in the last four months, so for any hobos using this particular page as a blanket, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you what I told this guy: BANK CARD MOTHER FUCKER! It’s the 21st century. I use fucking technology to pay for shit. Rarely do I ever have cash on me of any kind. I do direct deposit at work. If I enter an establishment and they’ve got a sign up that says cash only, I turn and walk the fuck out. Paper and metal never enter the equation in my financial life—just plastic. Hobos: stop getting pissed off and making doodoo in your pants when someone doesn’t have cash or change on their person, if you want to

1 FEBRUARY 2010

survive in this futuristic world of credit and debit transactions, then you need to take any loose change you’ve accumulated and purchase a portable debit card reader. Then you can simply present your little machine and I can swipe my card, enter the amount I wish to give you and then you can either tell me a story about your plight or let me go on my way. Besides, if you really are concerned with getting some change, go ask another solicitor of change: a hobo!

I mean, hobos go around coin collecting anyway, just go straight to a colleague and shake ‘em down! Seriously though, I wish the hobo who I ran into hadn’t gotten so pissed off immediately, because if he hadn’t, I might’ve actually walked with him the half a block to Portfolio Coffeehouse and gotten him a coffee—using my bank card.

KEVIN O’BRIEN Last week I was asked to write a bimonthly column. I agreed. The only issue is that I am a white male, a heterosexual and a member of the middleclass, as nebulous a term as that is. My race, gender, sexual orientation and class all position me well within the ranks of the privileged in American society. It also means that as a white, my opinion is not in short supply, my opinion is everywhere all the time. It’s on your t-shirt, its on that billboard that eclipses the sun and casts your house in perpetual darkness and it’s on your television day and night, CBS. I am not saying that white culture and the opinions that I associate with it are not worthy of print. What I am saying that you need a diversity of opinion. In 2001, Sonia Sotomayor gave a speech at Berkeley Law; in said speech Sotomayor stated, “…I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” This resulted in a storm of controversy, however her point is that you can not just have a room full of wrinkled, dry, cracked, old white men, as I hope to one day be, and expect to get an opinion that is true to modern American culture, you need the diversity.

Diversity is a quality that should be fostered where it is absent and celebrated where it is present.

I am proud to say that our university, CSULB, is a beacon of diversity. With a minimal amount of effort searching on the CSULB website I found that our university was numbered sixth in diversity among master’s universities in the western region.

The most recent racial demographics for 2010 for CSULB follow; Whites are the majority with 29.7% followed by Hispanic/Latino with 27.4, Asian/Pacific Islanders with 22.5%, Other/Unknown with 9.7%, Black with 5.0% and finally American Indian with 0.6%. The Union Weekly is billed as the Students Newspaper so it stands to reason that we should be representative of the student body.

There are twelve members of our editorial staff, I would describe seven as white, three I would describe as bi-racial, and two I would describe as Asian/Pacific Islander. That breaks down to a ratio of 58.3% white, 25% bi-racial, and 16.7% Asian/ Pacific Islander. It’s abundantly clear that the there is racial disparity between the University as a whole and the staff of the Union Weekly. We have too many white people, not enough Asian/Pacific Islanders, no Blacks­—we have no Blacks at all and zero American Indians. If you feel comfortable describing yourself as belonging to one of these groups, then you should write for the Union. Please provide a little balance and contrast to our current demographics. Okay and let me ask you this, did I affirmative action you guys? By you guys I mean anyone reading this. Did that sound racist?

NEWS STATE OF THE BEACH

YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF JOHN YANG

OPEN UNIVERSITY, CLOSED CLASSES

HOW CSULB IS MAKING CLASSES TRULY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET INTO

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Welcome back my loyal readers, I trust you all had an awesome time reading old copies of the Union last week, so did I. In fact, I felt so bad I hired ASI to have a week dedicated to our return called, “Week of Welcome (Back Union)“. But for some reason, there was an issue with the printers so all the flyers just say, “Week of Welcome.” Festivities kick off on Wednesday. You’ll notice all the clubs, and they end on, um, Thursday. Also, free food (for people wearing Beach Gear).

Remember all that rain? It only caused Long Beach City 3 million dollars in damages, not to mention the USU first floor is closed until further notice (I heard a rumor 8 weeks until repairs are finished), but at least my car is clean now.

Textbooks? Can I get that on my nook? Or my iPad? Or my Kindle? Thanks.

First, China slams Google over censorship issues, and now they are slamming the U.S. for selling Taiwan’s 6 billion worth of missiles and guns.

My message to China: chill out.

News about Proposition 8 reared its ugly head again, hopefully it will be settled later this week.

Realistically speaking, there is no end in sight.

Feel like speeding? If you thought red light cameras were a nuisance, you’ll love the new idea LA and other cities have for speed sensors at intersections.

27 eateries are giving cyclists discounts for biking this Friday instead of driving. Eateries include Crema De La Crepes off 1st, Z Pizza on 2nd, Portfolio Coffeehouse on 4th, and Viento Y Agua Coffee House/Gallery on 4th. Discounts range from 10-20% off the bill. Go online and Google it for a full list.

Have you heard of Stevie Merino? She’s the 21 year-old who is the only other competitor in the race against Bob Foster to be Mayor of Long Beach. Exciting right? She is a member of the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Not excited anymore? Neither am I. Need date plans with your besties? This Friday and Saturday at 8pm at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, Blomstedt conducts Haydn’s “The Clock” and Beethoven’s Symphony No. 7. Student tickets are 50 dollars with a student I.D. Finish the night up with a late night munch at nearby Chinatown. You are welcome.

CHELSEA STEVENS

I

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n a year of tremendous class cuts and overflow, many students are finding it near impossible to get a spot in classes they need to graduate.

Despite this dire fact, the school has decided to continue a program which increases the difficulty for registered students to find the classes they need.

CSULB offers an Open University program, which allows anyone to register for classes without being an actual student. While this program may be beneficial to the university in earning some extra cash, as well as convenient for locals who are too busy to go to school full time, it seriously conflicts with the needs of CSULB’s full-time students who actually applied to the university and are paying full tuition.

Open University, part of the school’s College of Continuing and Professional Education program, offers individual classes to virtually anyone who wants to take them. The pseudo-students may take up to 24 units of credit to be added to their transcripts, which is half the credit needed for many bachelor de-

grees excluding GEs and capstones. Another section of the program offers the same benefits to international students, through University Study at the Beach.

Each class can be taken for a hefty $200 per unit; ten times more than the cost per unit of classes at Long Beach City College, but still significantly less than the fees for a properly registered, fulltime student.

Though shelling out more cash, the true students of Cal State Long Beach have no apparent priority over those in the Open Univeristy program. The school’s website on the University Study at the Beach homepage specifically states, “All course instruction, requirements, and faculty will be identical to full-time CSULB students.” Furthermore, registered students don’t have priority in getting the classes it’s already practically impossible to find space in. If you couldn’t get a spot in a class you needed this semester, it may have been swiped by someone less qualified than you who didn’t need to go through fifty hours

of college applications and worrying about their GPA to get it.

With a new policy enacted January 2010, students who have been academically disqualified from CSULB may register for 6 units or two classes per semester through the Open University program. Those that want to exceed this unit limit must simply appeal to the school to take more. It hardly seems fair that an academically disqualified student could be the reason you got dropped from the wait list of the class you need to graduate.

Not being able to register for required classes has forced many CSULB students to flee to surrounding community colleges, where they must spend additional money on top of the full tuition they pay here. Community college was previously the school of choice for many lesser qualified individuals looking to finish their degrees or get a new lease on life. Now, apparently, CSULB is the place for people like these, and city college is for Cal State kids. Go figure.

NCLR / CSULB CLCH RECEIVE GRANT ACRONYMS FOR A HEALTHIER LATINO STUDENT BODY MARCO BELTRAN CONTRIBUTOR

Flooding, fee increases, and general haberdashery; there seems to be no way to bring the monster called despair that’s ruling over Southern California with its Poseidon-like abilities to an end. Still, there exists a slight glimmer of hope in one place: the National Council of La Raza (NCLR)/ CSULB Center for Latino Community Health, Evaluation and Leadership.

The center has been doing its part to promote the health and nutrition of the Latino community within Long Beach for the past two years by using a grant from the USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture) to train twelve first generation, educated Latino students in nutrition and health science at CSULB. The center has recently

been given a second grant, a $296,000 grant, to develop a new course called “Latino Nutrition and Chronic Disease Prevention” for CSULB. The grant includes training for faculty and lecturers to provide their students with culturally relevant information that incorporates socioeconomic and institutional issues that many Latinos face.

The new grant totes a thousand dollar increase from the original. The first project was more of an informational venture, a way for the students “to apply their academic knowledge to the needs of the local Latino community in Long Beach, gaining respect for their education and increasing their belief that they can make a difference,” said Dr. Gail Frank, CSULB

Professor of nutrition and co-director of both projects, when referring to how the information shaped the students, and will shape future students.

This program, and programs like it, are important additions to the curriculum, and will bring forth a wealth of greatly needed assistance for those in need. If the government grants continue to flow in every couple of years we can ride the flaming eagle to prominence, so that future generations can live casually off the hard work that programs like the NCLR/ CSULB collaboration have laid out.

Sure it might take a while to set up, and it will be a while before other institutions pick up the program, but booty is booty.

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

SPORTS

#21, Larry Anderson, and #15, T.J. Robinson, put the ball in the basketball net and score big big points!!! By “big” I mean two. Above, #2, Eugene Phelps, hurtles the ball at an ungrateful audience. Show some support jerks. Below, Phelps denies an aggie of the ball. U-S-A. U-S-A!!! #22, Casper Ware, runs right past a funny looking UC Davis player—another blow to the player’s undoubtedly low self-esteem.

R.I.P. UC DAVIS, J.D. SALINGER THE 49ERS MURDERED UC DAVIS TWO POINTS AT A TIME, 80-58 ANDREW TURNER UNION STAFFER

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ong Beach State basketball showed signs that things were finally coming together in an 80-58 blowout win over the visiting UC Davis Aggies. Eugene Phelps led the 49ers with 21 points; Greg Plater added 16 points, shooting 4-6 from long distance. T.J. Robison had a doubledouble with 10 points and 13 rebounds. The win was crucial for Long Beach State as it gives the team some momentum going into the nationally televised rivalry game against Cal State Fullerton on Thursday night.

Long Beach outplayed the Aggies in almost every facet of the game. The team, which had been struggling from the perimeter in the past few weeks, received a big boost from Greg Plater with his four three-point shots.

Long Beach shot 42.9% from behind the arc for the game. The team is hoping that the shooting rampage continues. Coach Monson UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

Photos

MAY ZIMMERMAN UNION STAFFER

acknowledged that he thought his perimeter shooters were over-thinking the game. “We want our outside guys to focus on their role of shooting the ball when they’re open,” said Monson in a post-game interview.

The 49ers were especially effective on the interior, where they outscored the Aggies 48-16 in points in the paint. This was due in large part to the play of Eugene Phelps, whose 21 points were a career high.

Furthering the team’s dominance down low was the fact that the 49ers out-rebounded UC Davis 38-30.

Given these numbers, Long Beach State had no trouble staying out in front of the Aggies. A closely contested game with eight lead changes early on was quickly put out of reach by the 49ers by the midway point of the first half. At the half, Long Beach held a 40-32 lead, but that lead was immediately ex-

panded at the outset of the second half. The 49ers opened up the final 20 minute period on a 14-1 run. Monson’s team built its largest lead of the game at 24 just 2:36 into the second half. That lead shrunk to 11 with about eight minutes left in the game before the 49ers pulled away for good. After the game, Coach Monson cited the preseason schedule as a reason for the 49ers inability to put opponents away, saying that it had provided few opportunities for the team to practice playing with leads in close games.

With the victory, the 49ers returned to the .500 mark in Big West conference play for the first time since stomping UC Santa Barbara by 20 in the early going of league play. Long Beach State (10-11, 4-4) put themselves in a tie for fourth place in the Big West after the dominating performance against the Aggies. The 49ers have now won two

games in a row, showing a strong response to Greg Plater’s calling out of the team’s heart following a disappointing loss against Cal Poly. The team is playing with heart now, and it shows with the team’s dominance of the glass. For Coach Monson and the 49ers though, each game is just another stepping stone to becoming better. Monson didn’t appear to be too concerned with the standings, stating, “We are trying to get our swagger back to beat the better teams. It would be nice to win the conference, but we know we have to win the Big West Tournament to make the NCAA Tournament.” As the team drives to prepare themselves for the Big West Tournament, they will be looking to build up their swagger when they host Cal State Fullerton on Thursday, February 4th.

Fans, come join the Maniacs for this heated rivalry. Game time is 8pm.

MUSIC

THE UNION SUPER GROUP: THE BETTER LATES

THE ART OF THE PLAYLIST Rob of High Fidelity has a few things to say about crafting a playlist, but there’s a reason he stops himself short. Making a good mix involves too much instinct for there to be an actual formula. And while instinct isn’t available on the black market, the best you can do is fake it. So I’m attempting to provide to you a skeleton of a guide to making a good mix.

1. Consider your purpose: Are you making a mix for a friend? For a lover? For someone you hope may become either of the above? Take into account the music this person already enjoys. You may want to begin with one of these or at least within the first four songs. This is the hook; this will help the listener feel like the mix was personalized to their liking—but it most certainly shouldn’t be.

2. Fool them with transitions: This rule may well be the most important. Transitions are key.

I repeat, transitions are key. Your mix should flow from beginning to end. Your first transition will be a compromise. Choose a song that will sound a little like what they like and a little like what you want the rest of the mix to sound like. You need to set the tone—not jam it into their ears. Let’s say your lucky mix tape receiver likes Talking Heads.

You can go for something accessible like “This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)” and transition out with “See No Evil” by Television. Voila! Now the David Byrne listener is intrigued and more likely to listen through to the end. Keep driving things forward with some upbeat tunes. After about ten to fifteen minutes you can start to bring it down a notch. The other important thing about transitioning is that you don’t want to move from a very up tempo to slow song—ease into it. You also don’t want to jump from one genre to another too quickly. Dr Dre should not follow the Everly Brothers. It isn’t natural and you want the flow to be organic. That doesn’t mean you can’t weave through different genres. You could do “Cathy’s Clown” by Everly Brothers to “Rave On” by Buddy Holly to “Smokestack Lightning” by Howlin’ Wolf to “I Found Out” by John Lennon. A good trick to finding out if a song transitions well into another is to turn on your Cross Playback on iTunes and listen without a pause between songs.

3. Be creative: Don’t be afraid to throw a Britney Spears song into a mix made in good taste. Spoken word isn’t off limits either. One of the things I’ve been doing lately is bookends. For example, I began a mix with “Samsonite Man” by Fashawn and ended it with “Don’t Think Twice” by Billy Paul (the bookend being that the first song sampled the last).

Anyway, there isn’t a science to it. Just stay away from songs that get a lot of radio play and stay focused. I’m also not totally against using the Genius button on iTunes for inspiration. How’s that for a music column, eh?

Someone forgot to send in their article on deadline (Sean Boulger), but we won’t name names. In an effort to entertain and fill space, The Union has created a super group to destroy all super groups. Move over Them Crooked Vultures, stand aside Traveling Wilburys, because here comes The Better Lates. Four wrinkled old men who have aged like a fine wine and smell like a ripened cheese, but boy can they rock! These players weren’t chosen at random—we’re convinced this band makes sense and here’s why:

Paul McCartney Bass He can write a great melody and find a harmony in a telephone ring. Not to mention he was in the greatest band of all time. He can slapah da bass (and Jimmy Page in the event that he picks up a violin bow). A group like this could definitely use someone with pop sensibilities and commercial appeal.

Jimmy Page Lead Guitar The crazy solos. The hair.

That story about a fish. He turned Japanese the way Michael Jackson turned white. We know he can experiment so there’s no reason why he can’t work with a dynamic group like this. Page makes his guitar sound like opening night at the Met and it’s time he sung once more.

Bruce Springsteen Vocals Despite his fame and success, Bruce remains as down-to-earth as ever, which should do a super group this dense some good. He’s notorious for playing lengthy concerts so we know he can keep up with Page. Plus, he looks good in jeans—trust me, that has more to do with music than some people may think.

Stewart Copeland Drums Stewart Copeland is a great drummer because you barely ever notice him. He builds his rhythms so completely into the tune (not an easy feat, considering Sting’s penchant for outlandish bass lines) that they seem to melt into the song entirely. His cymbal work is splashy, owing to his Lebanese upbringing, but it’s still cleaner and more precise than most percussionists.

LOS CAMPESINOS!: ROMANCE IS BORING BUT THE ALBUM IS NOT MATTHEW TOWLES If you’re a fan on Los Campesinos! you already know what to expect from the band on this their third album: loud, crushing guitars, equal parts punky-twee and 90s indie rock, boy-girl vocals reminiscent of the aforementioned genres, shouted group vocals, the occasional glockenspiel, and lyrics about the highs and lows (mostly lows) of relationships with friends and lovers. Romance is Boring (their third album in as many years) captures the band louder, heavier, and more assured than on previous albums. It’s the result of a natural progression that has seen the band grow darker, though no less exuberant.

The songs are absolutely filled to the brink; Gareth, who writes all of the lyrics, is wordier than ever, and Tom, the main songwriter, crams each song with as many sounds and

ideas as he possibly can. Gareth writes about relationships nearly exclusively and at length, gutting the concept so thoroughly you’d think he had nothing left to say. And then he keeps singing about it. The music is typical Los Campesinos! fare, though heavier and more complex than before; guitars bouncing off one another, violins and keyboards weave together, start-stop blasts of pure noise ring from out of nowhere. It’s terrifically exciting music, paired well with clever lyrics like: “I think we need more post-coital and less post-rock.”

Ultimately, Romance is Boring is another fantastic album from a fantastic band. Whether or not it’s Los Campesinos!’s best album is certainly debatable, but it makes a fine argument for itself.

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

ENTERTAINMENT

CINECULT

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF COLONEL BLIMP JAMES KISLINGBURY

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR, VICTORIA CROSS

E

very once and a while there will be a book, a band or, in this case, a movie that I needed to watch at the exact time I watched it. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp is one such movie. I say that because it has just about everything I could ever want in a movie. Technicolor film, obnoxious colonialists, a war (three wars, actually), ridiculous facial hair, gentlemen dueling, taxidermy, red-headed lasses with accents, Colonel Blimp has it all. Though, you don’t have to be stricken with the same strange fixations as me for it to be a worthwhile film, because even if you don’t care about the kinds of uniforms people are wearing or the rise of national socialism, what remains is an incredibly well acted, directed, and written film. There’s a reason Martin Scorsese lent out his expertise on the film’s DVD commentary.

The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp follows a somewhat bumbling upper-class British officer, Clive Wynne-Candy (Roger Livesey) over three wars, the Boer War, World War I, and eventually World War II (which unlike the latter two wars, we don’t see the end of because the film was shot in England in 1943). Each war is an act in his life. The movie shows him as he goes from being a cocksure youth to a clueless middle-aged man to a distinguished old codger. Over the years we meet the loves of his life (all played by the luminescent Deborah Kerr), as well, as his often stressed friendship with a German officer, Theodor Kretschmar-Schuldorff (Anton Walbrook), who is probably one of the best named characters in all of cinema.

Even though the movie doesn’t feature any character that is a colonel for very long, nor does it have anyone named “Blimp” (which would obviously prevent him from dying in the movie), if you’re willing to forgive the flagrant-

ly false advertising , you’ll find that Colonel Blimp is one of the best war movies ever made. And that’s despite the fact that it doesn’t have any actual warfare in it.

As much as the movie is about war, it’s also about growing old, with all of its losses and triumphs, honors and indignities. As much as Wynne-Candy’s world changes around

him, he’s still the same man he is in the beginning of the film as he is in the end (and thanks to a framing device, this is literally true). That’s what makes him so endearing. Even though he’s a bit of a clod, he’s a man who is comfortable with who he is. Even in the face of Nazi Germany, he doesn’t ever think to change who he is. He just floats through life like a lovable, well-meaning blimp (Oh, I get it. That is a good title, isn’t it?).

When I was reading over the production history of the film, I found a quote from David Mamet in his book Bambi vs. Godzilla, “My idea of perfection is Roger Livesey (my favorite actor) in The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (my favorite film) about to fight Anton Walbrook (my other favorite actor).” And who are you to disagree with David Mamet?

I realize that there are two more things that Colonel Blimp has which make it better in my book. These things need to be pointed out. The first reason is that it has a practical title sequences. In this case, its opening credits are sewn into a tapestry. That kind of thing easily makes a movie 20 to 30 precent better. The second thing is that I have never seen a movie I didn’t like that had a gong getting hit in it. Of course that’s just one of the thing that makes The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp so magical. Come for the gongs, stay for the endearing and funny treatment of an English icon.

“BUT YA DAMNED, YOUNG IDIOT! WAR STARTS AT MIDNIGHT!”

WHAT A TRAGEDY!

THE DEMISE OF THE SITUATIONAL COMEDY RACHEL RUFRANO

Illustration

MUSIC EDITOR, TELEVISUAL HISTORIAN

I don’t know what happened to sitcoms. They had everything—a laugh track, romance, one-liners, epic entrances, and friendship. Friendship unlike any that could ever actually exist. There’s something obsessively indulgent about sitcoms.

You wait for the new episode every week, sometimes you even think about it during the day. You would look up from your desk and just when you thought Thursday was going to be the lamest night ever you remember: You have your sitcom. Before you know it you feel connected to it—heir living room is your living room, their heartbreak is your heartbreak, their joke was our joke. It’s not psychotic or pathetic—everyone did it. Freaks and Geeks, Seinfeld, Friends, The Office, etc (and in my case, “et cetera” means How I Met Your Mother).

In many ways the sitcom is an endangered animal.

The Office is dying a slow and terrible death and I’m convinced Two and a Half Men is just a drawn out PR stunt for Charlie Sheen and Duckie trying to prove he can be UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

JASMINE GAGNIER UNION STAFFER

more than just Duckie (What’s his name anyway?). Reality television has officially taken over—it’s not just a trend, it’s TV. And I’m sick of it. I don’t want reality. I don’t even want someone else’s reality.

I want situational comedies with actors pretending to be friends whom you assume in real life are friends. I want blooper reels on my DVD special features.

I want to wonder if so-and-so is going to end up with soand-so. It’s not just me who needs these things—the world needs them. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but even reality television is starting to format itself as a sitcom. And I can’t blame them. Without sitcoms I start turning my life into one and, as much as my friends love the laugh track, it just isn’t the same.

Wait. . . what am I talking about? I don’t have friends.

I only have Friends. What do we have. . . (dramatic pause). . . if we don’t have sitcoms. [Cue patriotic music] Without sitcoms we are nothing. We would spend our days in coffee shops with our colleagues instead of curling up on the couch and watching actors in coffee shops with their colleagues. And who wants that? I know I don’t [zoom out ominously]. I know. I don’t.

HOT CHICK FEATCH

ple in California?

HC: Well, I think attractive people, or what culture sees as attractive, gravitate toward Hollywood because there’s the culture of Hollywood, and I think that’s what people see as attractive. People look at Paris Hilton and movie stars and that’s what they think is attractive. I think it’s really, like, subjective.

JENNY, CAPRICORN

BEAUTY AT THE BEACH CAITLIN CUTT LITERATURE EDITOR

SIMONE HARRISON OPINIONS EDITOR

I

remember the first time I checked out a woman. I was thirteen, and my mom had taken me to Main Street in Seal Beach to get some ice cream. We were enjoying the sun, sitting on a bench, attempting to finish our scoops before they totally melted. I was just kind of looking around at nothing in particular when suddenly this woman walked around the corner right in front of us, and I just couldn’t look away. She had long, dark brown hair; beaming smile, and perfect olive skin. I was honestly speechless. I had noticed that certain women were beautiful in movies and on TV, but I had never seen a real-life stunner like that, and ever since that day, I’ve genuinely enjoyed looking at beautiful women.

Living in Southern California, not to mention the most diverse city in the United States, that, “Oh my God! Look at that woman!” moment happens pretty much every day, and in every single shape, size, and color.

It’s in this celebratory spirit that the women at the Union Weekly lept at the chance to do this feature. I guess the guys have been trying to get this idea off the ground for a while, but there’s the creep-factor to a dude randomly walking up to a beautiful girl with a camera. But let me tell you something, I think we all have questions about beauty. Whether you’re happy about it or not, “beauty” has impacted your life in some way or another, and while we can’t do anything about the fact that these genetic lotto winners exist, we can ask them what they think about beauty. Who’s a better source to take our questions than a real-life beautiful woman? God knows I don’t need to hear Tyra Banks’ opinion on this anymore.

-Caitlin

Photos

RACHEL RUFRANO MANAGING EDITOR

Is it eyes, hair? What do you think is the most attractive thing about a person?

Hot Chick: I like smiles. I don’t know, like, teeth.

UW: What do you think about someone doing a feature on attractive people?

UW: We’re doing a feature on really attractive women at Long Beach State, and what do you think your favorite feature about yourself is?

HC: I think it’s strange.

HC: My favorite feature about myself? My hands.

UW: Well, you’re an anthropology major, right? So it’s all relative.

UW: Your hands? Okay…why?

HC: Exactly.

SARAH, TAURUS

HC: This is a really bizarre answer. Because I can use them and [laughs] that sounds really dirty.

UW: What’s your favorite character trait about yourself?

HC: Character trait? Clarity? [laughs] I think I’m sweet. Is that a good one?

SONIA, TAURUS

BREE, CANCER UW: If you could be any animal what would you be?

HC: Any animal? A bird.

UW: Why? HC: Because they fly, and I think that would be amazing.

UW: What do you look for in a guy?

HC: Umm… [laughs] someone who’s smart and funny and that I’m attracted to and easy to get along with.

UW: Yeah, well that’s kind of important. Why do you think girls from California are so pretty or why do think that attractive people gravitate towards California?

Union Weekly: Let me ask you a question, if beauty is only skin deep, what do you think is the most important feature?

10

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1 FEBRUARY 2010

HC: Umm… I’ve never thought about that or noticed that. I think there’s attractive people everywhere.

UW: Do you think per capita there are more attractive peo-

UW: Rate yourself from 1 to 10.

HC: Oh no, please, come on.

UW: Why is that an awful question?

HC: Because if you say that you’re a 10, okay. NO, okay…8.

Because that sounds solid.

UW: What’s your major?

HC: International studies.

UW: Really? What are you going to do with that?

HC: I’m actually applying for the Peace Corps.

UW: Why do you think CSULB has so many attractive women? Or just California in general?

Somebody can be pretty or sexy, but if they have a bad attitude it totally makes them look worse.

HC: People might be attracted to California in the sense that it’s always sunny. We have good tans. We tend to be in bikinis more often than not.

UW: Where did you get your earrings?

UW: Do you think being more physically attractive is helpful?

SAKINA, PISCES

HC: Forever 21!

CHELSEA, LIBRA

HC: Yes. UW: Why? HC: Doctor Oz, he’s on Oprah all the time, and his theory is attractive people have more fun and that people are attracted to that, but I don’t think I’m one of those people though.

I work for Equality California and I ask people to donate money to overturn Prop 8 and legalize gay marriage and I’ll work with people and they get pissed off, because people stop for me. Like my friend Rick, he pretends he’s gay, he’s very annoying. But I can’t, so I’ll stop people that he would never stop just because he’s like, “They think you’re pretty that’s why they stopped.” But it helps, in the sense that people have to give me $300 everyday that I work. So I have to have people like me to give me money to overturn Prop 8.

rity?

HC: Julia Roberts.

UW: What do you look for in a guy?

Are you getting good pictures? I hope so because I’m not very photogenic.

STEPHANIE, SCORPIO

UW: What’s your major?

HC: Psychology.

UW: What do you want to do?

HC: I don’t know yet, maybe be a professor at some point, but with something else too.

UW: What do you think makes a person attractive? Is it only skin deep or is a combination of both?

HC: Tall and funny.

UW: If you could be any animal what would you be?

HC: Probably a bunny because they’re small and cute.

UW: That’s a good answer.

KIMBERLY, PISCES

HC: I think it’s both. I mean, you can’t walk around with a snaggletooth and be like, “Hey, what’s up?” I’m not gonna lie. I think a lot of it is confidence. I mean, you have to have good posture and like walk around like you’re confident.

UW: Why do you think there are so many attractive people in Calfornia?

HC: I don’t know, the sun, and we’re just amazing. [laughs] It’s California, you know? It’s in our blood.

UW: What do you look for in a guy?

UW: Why do you think there are so many attractive girls on this campus? I think it’s pretty obvious there are some really beautiful girls here.

HC: I have no idea actually. I don’t really know. [aside] It’s southern California.

UW: That’s true, we have nice tans. What is it about Southern California that’s so pretty?

HC: Well, people focus more on their looks over here because of Hollywood and advertisements. I feel like it’s more focused on that over here.

UW: What’s your major?

HC: Sociology, second year.

UW: How important do you think it is to be attractive?

HC: Not, like super important. Not that much, it just depends on the type of person. I mean if you’re interviewing two people, just based on how society is, odds are the more attractive the person is going to get more recognized because they’re going to make a more lasting impression on the person. So, it just depends, I guess.

UW: Do you think there’s a difference between being beautiful and sexy?

HC: Yeah, there’s a big difference.

UW: What do you think that difference is?

HC: Sexy is more for lust and beautiful is more, all around just beautiful inside and out. Like their personality is great.

HC: Cliché answer: humor.

UW: So many women say that. Every girl I’ve asked has said humor. Do you think there’s a difference between sexy and beautiful?

HC: Absolutely.

UW: What do you consider to be true beauty?

UW: What exactly is the difference?

HC: I think it’s like personality. I think it’s really based on personality and like morals and I don’t think it’s how you look. I think a person can look beautiful because of how they are on the inside.

HC: I feel like with sexy, the sexuality is more out there almost, like in your face. Beautiful is more like, subdued, and like I don’t know how to describe that, but I definitely think they’re different.

UW: What is your favorite characteristic about yourself?

UW: What’s your favorite character trait about yourself?

What do you like about yourself the most?

HC: I like things fair. I like how everything has to be equal.

If something isn’t fair, then I get mad.

HC: I feel like I’m approachable. I feel like I’m easy to talk to so I’m not like… I don’t want to be bitchy.

UW: Why do you think that women in California are so beautiful?

UW: Who do you think is the most beautiful female celebrity?

HC: I don’t know, I guess they’re are more laid back because California is such a chill place.

HC: Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore, Heidi Klum.

UW: What do you look for in a guy?

UW: Guys?

HC: He has to be funny.

HC: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon because I feel like they’re good fathers and that’s really attractive to me. I don’t know, they seem like good men. I could be like, “Go cut down some trees and build me a cabin for me and the kids.” And they would!

UW: Is there a difference between sexy and beautiful?

UW: Who do you think is the most attractive female celeb-

HC: I like to dress up. I don’t think it’s important, I just like doing it, it’s fun for me.

HC: I think sexy is like looks and beautiful is like more than the outside, more in.

UW: How important is it for you to be attractive?

UNION WEEKLY

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11

LITERATURE

OBITERATURE CLOSING THE BOOK ON TWO OF OUR GREATS

J.D. SALINGER 1919-2010 HOWARD ZINN 1922-2010 SIMONE HARRISON

ERIN HICKEY

OPINIONS EDITOR

UNION STAFFER

To attempt to explain what J.D. Salinger’s work means to me is an unfathomably daunting task. This is primarily because I know that it has affected nearly every person reading this just as much, if not more. When I found out that Salinger had passed away, my heart sank. Although he hadn’t published anything since 1965 and was a known recluse, some small, highly irrational part of me hoped that maybe one day he would have a change of heart and release all of his unpublished work. Absurd as I knew this hope was, I couldn’t help but nurse it. Reading Salinger was more than simply entertainment—it was therapy. Every moment I spent reading him felt like the conversation between Franny and Zooey at the end of the book of the same title.

No matter how large the existential crisis, Salinger was always able to cure my anxiety.

It feels less like a stranger who died, and more like a close friend from my childhood.

But I’m a Lit major. It makes sense for me to mourn an author’s death. What’s harder to explain, are the myriad of nonreaders who are every bit as upset as I am. Something in Salinger’s prose gave him the ability to inspire even the most hardened self-proclaimed “illiterates.” His writing is every bit as relevant to the youth of today as it was to the youth of the 1940s. He turned brooding high school students who hated to read into brooding high school students who adored it. I cannot

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even count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase, “I hated reading until Catcher in the Rye.” It is impossible to pinpoint what it is about Salinger’s work that resonates so deeply with teenagers and twenty-somethings. If I knew what it was, I certainly wouldn’t be writing for a student newspaper.

Salinger has left an indelible mark on the youth of this generation and of every generation before it since the 1940s; I’d be willing to bet my life that he will be just as relevant in another seventy years. Although Salinger’s published work is limited, he wrote with a sincerity and candor that is impossible to replicate. He was able to write to and about young people convincingly, and without ever sounding insincere. He never condescended his readership, never presumed to know how they felt, or what was best for them.

He simply understood. He understood the feelings of alienation and uncertainty that are expected of adolescence, but just as prevalent in adulthood, and he understood that sometimes a person just feels lost. He wrote about these things in a way that was neither sentimental nor cheap. He was able to capture a very specific period in time and have it remain every bit as compelling decades later, and he so thoroughly mastered the coming of age story that it is difficult to believe he did not invent the form. But most importantly, he was never a phony.

Howard Zinn is best known for A People's History of the United States. This honest and radical telling of our country's sordid history put him on the map not only for writing, but as a social activist. His work was praised for his brazen enthusiasm and criticized for using his own left-leaning politics unabashedly in his work. People's History is still used as a textbook in both high school and collegiate classrooms. Wherever you fall on the political spectrum, Zinn has left a definite mark on the literary community and he will be deeply missed.

Not unlike many prominent authors, Howard Zinn grew up impoverished and led a difficult life. His parents were both uneducated, but they were concerned about their son's education. They gave him 25¢ a week for the New York Post's collection of Charles Dickens complete works. After graduating from High School he joined the Air Force where he fought during World War II as a bombardier. Later in his life he was famously anti-war, which was due in part to his time served in the military. Zinn had an impressive educational background, having earned a B.A., M.A., and Ph.d. in History. His first career was teaching at Spelman College where he was a professor of History. He later taught Political Science at Boston University.

His literary contributions were nothing

compared to his heavy hand in the Civil Rights movement. He aided many of his students at Spelman College in forming organizations and rallies in the name of equality. He was eventually dismissed from the university because of this, but that didn't hinder his mission to reach peace among races. He wrote for several prominent magazines and newspapers with scathing criticisms about the university and continued to participate in several organizations for the cause. Both Alice Walker and Marian Wright Edelman, students of his at the time, cite him as both a mentor and a strong influence in their writing.

Zinn's biggest accomplishment with A People's History was his use of critical pedagogy, challenging young people to think for themselves when reading history.

He set out to persuade the masses to veer away from the politics, morals and beliefs that dominate our culture. Although he wrote several other books in his lifetime, A People's History stands out as a unique work of literature that has changed many people's previously shallow view of our society's history. His contribution to literature is undeniable and he will undoubtedly go down in our future history books, quite literally, as the man who changed history as we know it.

HAITI!NOW

CULTURE

ELP

O

The 7.0 earthquake that hit Haiti this past January is a tragedy we simply cannot ignore. The number of deaths as a result of the disaster is now over 150,000 and continues to rise each day. The damage to Port-Au-Prince is unmatched and the journey to complete reconstruction will not be easy. People have lost their homes, their families, and the hope to live a normal life again—do not let them lose hope. We have to remember in a time of unfortunate loss, there is only so much to gain. Help Haiti recover. We’ve heard about the $10 text messages to the Red Cross but getting involved in the relief does not stop at the touch of “SEND.” To help encourage even the most jaded to help, I’ve compiled a list of things you can do to aid Haiti in their desperate time of need. To lose everything is a concept unknown to most of us here, but with humility and gratitude we are capable of great relief. So please, as my last petition, help Haiti now—every effort counts.

-Kathy Miranda, Culture Editor

MORE THAN A BABE

funny women who have pop culture by the balls

by alexandra sciarra, union staffer

W

T O

SPECIAL HAITI RELIEF ORGANIZATIONS World Food Programme - Specializing in providing food charity:water - Providing clean water to Haiti Oxfam America - Specializes in poverty, providing both healthcare and political support on the grounds of Haiti Partners In Health - Modern medical care for the poor HAITI BENEFIT SHOWS It’s Always Sunny & Family Guy Live for Haiti Feb. 12 @ the Gibson Amphitheater Tenacious D and Friends - Stand with Haiti Feb. 2nd @ the Wiltern MUSIC FOR HAITI RELIEF The Arcade Fire: Mirror Noir/P.I.H Limited Ed. Box Set $250 BROKE? HELP HAITI BY JOINING THE DISCUSSION Wired Magazine has launched Haiti Rewired, an online community dedicated to the future of Haiti. Join the conversation to learn and share your thoughts on how we can improve life in Haiti. Keep the Haiti dialogue alive.

A

my Sedaris—Growing up, she idolized her older brother David, and after graduating high school followed him to Chicago where she joined comedy troupe Second City, performing alongside the likes of Steve Carell and Steven Colbert. Sedaris also starred in the cult “after-school special” satire Strangers with Candy, which aired for three seasons on Comedy Central. More recently Sedaris wrote The New York Times best-seller, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, an Emily-Post-on-amphetamines guide that offers suggestions to entertaining like, “Try filling your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosy partygoer more successfully than an avalanche of marbles striking a porcelain sink.”

Portia de Rossi—Australia born beauty Portia de Rossi is probably most famous for her role of Lindsay Bluth Fünke on the tragically short-lived television series Arrested Development. De Rossi’s polished attractiveness makes it easy for her to portray the bored and promiscuous housewife.

Her poised wit and excellent timing though, add a tongue-in-cheek profundity behind her portrayal of a privileged daddy’s girl with a bleeding heart for only the trendiest social causes.

Kristin Wiig—Wiig is hands down the funniest female cast member Saturday Night Live currently has to offer. The attractive-in-real-life actress isn’t afraid to look ugly or ridiculous on stage to get laughs. New York magazine reports that Wiig, who averages 5.8 appearances per episode has appeared in more sketches on SNL Season 34 than any cast member, who along with the obligatory I-sold-my-soul-to-Lorne-Michaels-to-promomy-new-shitty-movie guest stars, are constantly upstaged by Wiig.

Sarah Palin—Who can forget when former beauty queen winked and nodded her way into all of our hearts during the 2008 Vice Presidential debates? Always prepared with catchy one liner like, “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan,” and, “They’re our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.” Her humor is so zany that even Sarah Silverman would have to smoke at least two bowls before being as unapologetically dismissive and kooky.

WANTED: THE BEST BEARD ON CAMPUS Does your beard have what it takes to be the best? As good as the handsome men to the right?

Let the Union decide in our first ever Beard Contest! All applicants welcome!

THE BEST BEARDS WILL BE FEATURED IN A SPECIAL EDITION CULTURE PAGE SHOWCASING OUR FAVORITE BEARDS TO DATE! ENTER NOW AND GIVE YOUR BEARD THE APPRECIATION IT DESERVES!

SUBMIT YOUR PHOTOS BY FEBRUARY 5TH!

thebestbeard@gmail.com

Or, let us take the picture for you! Send us an email, and we’ll schedule a meet n’ greet/photoshoot with your special beard!

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

CREATIVE ARTS

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

Art

SHELDON GANTT

CONTRIBUTOR

Forgotten Fall by Jeff Chang

jeff.chang.art @gmail.com

COMICS Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

Garage Sketchbook by elisa

Operation Panda World Domination by Fox

http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/

jointheoperation@yahoo.com

Across 1- The sacred scriptures of Hinduism 5- Swiss city on the Rhine 10- Drop 14- Line of rotation 15- Demote 16- Arch type 17- Hotbed 18- Chip dip 19- Baltic capital 20- Distinguishing feature 23- Embed 24- Not o’er 25- Maze runner 28- Beat it!

30- Aha! 31- Fiendish 36- Airport abbr.

37- One who aspires 39- Boxer Laila 40- Inequality 42- In addition to 43- Came down to earth 44- Economize 46- Climb 49- Tenth letter of the Greek alphabet 51- Northern lights 56- Langston Hughes poem 57- Buy alternative

58- Desktop picture 60- Writing table 61- Pertaining to song 62- Dodge model 63- Calculus calculation 64- Hiding place 65- Sea eagle Down 1- Covered vehicle 2- Corp.

VIP, briefly 3- Course 4- “Silk Stockings” star 5- Igneous rock of a lava flow 6- Fiber obtained from a banana plant 7- Saline 8- “___ quam videri” (North Carolina’s motto) 9- Goneril’s father 10- Norse god 11- Heartburn 12- Kosher 13- Percolate 21- Genetic messenger 22- Mindlessly stupid 25- Fibbed 26- Italian wine city

27- Places to sleep 28- Remain 29- Taxi 31- Agitated state 32- As a female, you could be queen or worker 33- Colombian city 34- Grad 35- Speech issue 37- Strong Australian horse 38- Jackie’s second 41- Clumsy person 42- Sugarcoated almond 44- Language communication 45- Tax pro 46- You ___ mouthful!

47- More adorable 48- “______ by any other name…”

49- Australian marsupial 50- Bears the ictus 52- Donations to the poor 53- Sugar source 54- Bakery worker 55- Before long 59- Vane dir.

Week late, dollar short e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Student Union Office 239

Los Tres Compañeros by Jo

ANSWERS

UNION WEEKLY

1 FEBRUARY 2010

Disclaimer:

“Parking services is run by a soulless cunt who sees the students as ‘the enemy.’”

This publication is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Gum a dick, you biddy. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com

Volume 66 Issue 1

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Haitian Mime Trapped Under Pile of Invisible Rubble

LBUNION.COM

Even The Gay Teens Masturbate, Right?

OP-ED BY RON STEPHANOLDS

BY GAELIC FORESKYNE The horrors of Haiti’s past few weeks have been indescribable, but in all of this there is some hope, as more and more survivors are being found everyday, against the most brutal of odds. One of these is a young, pale-faced man with a striped shirt. “He’s been a real trooper. He hasn’t complained once about being trapped under all that invisible rubble.”

“The Port-Au-Prince performing arts district has seen more activity in these past couple of weeks than it ever has before,” said a survivor of the earthquake. “Though, I’m going to wager that they don’t mind the attention.”

We met with one of the landlords of the stricken buildings, “They were real good tenants. Real quiet. Though, I think they might have been running a wind turbine in there. We’re not zoned for that.”

Other structures that were toppled in the fledgling arts community were the Pepe St. Claire College de Clowns and the Buskers Guild of the Caribbean received the worst of the damage while the small improv school managed to avoid most of the earthquake, having changed the location of their lessons every week based

The trapped mime amidst the destruction. Not pictured: his invisible dog, also trapped.

on a suggestion from the audience.

Rescue attempts of the trapped man have been less than successful, with the falling of each night taking with it a little more hope. “We’ve tried to make contact with this man,” said one rescuer, Jacques Du Lac, a French emergency medical technician.

Though the man’s stoic demeanor has begun to become a liability. “But he’s been unable to talk with us. It’s a real conundrum. We want to know how to help him, but he’s in just too much shock to communicate with us.”

Later on, the unnamed man seemed to make an attempt at communicating with the rescuers. The pale-faced survivor started making signals with his hand indicating that he wanted a rope, but when rescuers threw it to him to pull him free,

he was unable to take it. “It’s like he’s trapped in a box.”

An officer from the US Army Corps of Engineers spoke on the street performer’s plight. “As a member of the US Corps of Engineers, we know a thing or two about averting disasters in poverty stricken areas,” the man coughed and went on, “We attempted to get a deaf kid to talk with him, handwise, but no go.”

Efforts to rescue the man will go on through the week, “as long as it takes,” said one man, but the ultimate fate of the man has yet to be determined. There is a silver lining in this story, though, in the days since the man has been trapped under the invisible rubble, passersby have donated over $8.57 into the man’s comically misshapen hat.

I never wanted anything special. I don’t need fancy trips to the Hoover Dam. I mean, sure, Bass Lake a couple times a year works. It’s quiet. I like quiet. It’s manmade. Simple. My only regret, and it’s only recently a regret, is how hard I work to provide for my family. I get up early, come home late, and although I tried to be there for the kids, my wife has spent more time with them than I have—which worked out fine for our daughter.

However, last month I was at home recovering from this hemorrhoids deal. Laid up for a good couple of days, I spent more time with my kids than I have in years. There, perched on my ass donut, helpless, I realized my son is a shell of a male. My wife is a good woman. But she’s a woman, ya know? It never occurred

to her that a boy who never closes his bedroom door is a broken, frowny twat.

Everyday he comes home, goes in his room and reads one of those fantasy books, right out there in the open. All day. He never needs privacy.

My wife still does his laundry... nothing. I asked her. We’re lucky to find a grass stain.

At night I don’t hear his bed make any noises, and I’ve even timed his showers. Yes. It’s pathetic. But when you find yourself actually praying your son is just choking his junk in some parking lot in the middle of the night, we’ll talk.

Anyway, his longest shower in the last month was seven minutes. Seven! There’s no way you can T.C.B. in five minutes. He opens the door immediately, too. I guess he hates steam. For God’s sake, I have two permanent blocks in my daily-planner at the office labeled “quiet time” to do what I gotta do. I know I’m not alone in that. That’s normal. What’ the kid’s deal?

Even the gay ones jack off, right? I knew Florian was a bad name for a boy. Fuck.

INSIDE

Long Beach Flooding Reveals Ancient Potholes Rainfall levels which would be considered normal elsewhere caused torrential water levels in Long Beach, unearthing potholes from over 200 years ago. These antebellum driving hazards were once the scourge of horses and confederate deserters, and have risen like a phoenix from the asphalt. “These artifacts have been bestowed upon us by a combination of divine providence and piss-poor city planning,” said historian Arnie Cozer.

“We’re going to dig them up for safekeeping in a museum, leaving even larger potholes behind.”

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Imminent Shit Clearly Effecting Area Man’s Stride

God Looking Forward to Supporting Team that Prays Hardest

An obvious hitch in Derek Franklin’s step has caused onlookers to concur that he is on the verge of a colossal dook. “He’s pigeontoed and biting his thumb. That guy seriously needs to shit,” said a compassionate observer. Other telltale signs of an urgent need to shit included a discarded Starbucks cup, a magazine tucked under one arm, and his pleading cries of “Get out of my way, I’m gonna shit myself!”

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According to religious scholars, all signs point to God being super-psyched to root for whichever sports team prays to Him with the most veracity, intensity, and frequency. Both teams involved have reported that they’ll be praying extra hard in order to earn His support, but God has personally downplayed His involvement.

“When I say I’m going to support them, I mean that on a purely superficial level. I’m not actually going to help them win. That’d be cheating.”

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