ISSUE 66.02 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
CLAY COOPER
Managing Editor
clay.union@gmail.com simone.union@gmail.com
KEVIN O’BRIEN
kevinob.union@gmail.com
News Director
ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
jamesk.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA
kathym.union@gmail.com
SOPHISTICATED BEAR
Grunion Editor
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER
Art Director/Cover Design
ANDREW LEE
Photo Editor/ Cover Photo
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
BLAH BLAH BLAH LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
victorpc.union@gmail.com
Culture Editor
JOE VERSUS
andyk.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor
-Funkmaster Wizard Wiz, “Bellevue Patient”
rachel.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor
“And if you don’t like it, then hey, fuck you!”
joeb.union@gmail.com
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, JASON OPPLIGER, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, JESSE BLAKE, KELVIN HO, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, STEVEN TRAN, SHELDON GANNT, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JONATHAN TAKAHASHI, JO JAMISON, COLIN TINDALL, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, SHANNON COVEY, JAMIE KARSON, CHELSEA STEVENS, MICHAEL VEREMANS, JOSE CRUZ, FOLASHADE ALFORD, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, MARCO BELTRAN, JASMINE GAGNIER
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
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eaction to last week’s feature on hot chicks was varied, to say the least. Some loved it. Some were disappointed. Some hated it. The haters were, of course, The Women’s Resource Center, who, in an effort to chastise, posted last week’s cover on their bulletin board. “Blah blah blah,” they condemned from the rooftops, in their fervor forgetting to even read the damn thing. I seriously doubt they even got past the “s” in “Chicks” before their eyes were blinded by passive-aggressive-post-militant-feminist-scorn (typical). Our feature written by women about women somehow made the ladies at the Women’s Resource Center more worked up than bell hooks during a screening of Straw Dogs. That isn’t to say we didn’t have our level-headed critics: Hello Editor N Chief, Is this really the first issue of the spring semester, if so its really disappointing. I
JOE BRYANT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
like reading the Union Weekly for its humor and more interesting takes on things but seriously I mean I know were college students but really it pretty shallow to do a feature on the “beauties of the beach” and even in doing the article it lacks any real beauties and any actual diversity. We go to one of the most diverse campus in southern California and we came up with seven girls that look almost actually the same. All I’m saying is if your going to do a piece like this really put some effort and open your eyes to the reality that we have an attractive campus of all types of people, Black, White, Asian, Latino, Indian. If maxim magazine can do it, you can too :). Here’s an idea why not do a piece called the ten people you should meet before you graduate (Ex: the President of the school, The Mascot, Pres. of the student body, etc.) It would be worth reading and take some actual journalism. -Disappointed Reader
H ROS OPES AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Your passion to help others and your close eye for detail will bring you great joy. . . IN BED!!! PISCES Feb 19-March 20 The sign of the fish is ruled by the planet Venus, which is really unfortunate, because Venus is hugely irresponsible and in the mood to make a mistake. Steer clear of dockworkers, business opportunities, and Quizno’s. ARIES March 21-April 19 You’re going to have a very fortuitous business meeting as the Sun moves into your financial orbit. A friend will come to you for help and. . . you’re just reading this for sex predictions, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?! Well it’s not going to happen for you. I won’t let it. TAURUS April 20-May 20 I hate you, Kevin. I hope someone shits in your mouth. You’d probably like it, you stuffed-shirt fuck. If there’s any justice in the star charts, you’ll trip and fall
That last jab stings, but I’m willing to overlook that, assume your syntaxical errors are Blackberry-induced, and concede that you make a good point. While I don’t think the article lacked “any actual diversity,” it is true that we didn’t have a single black lady, which is fucked up, I admit. So, for that I apologize. As for that “actual journalism,” you should turn to page 10 and check out what Long Beach is doing about all those rascally medical marijuana dispenseries peppered throughout the city. Matt Dupree is the writer, so you know it’s choice work, and you’re sure to satiate your need for some tactful journalism with a dash of humor. Who knows? Joe knows.
Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.
MATT DUPREE & SIMONE HARRISON UNION SOOTHSAYERS
onto a spear made of dog piss. GEMINI May 21-June 21 You’re going to have a tough month at work. Each week heralds progressively worse star alignments for you, but don’t get too discouraged by it. Eventually the sweet embrace of death will free you from the rat race. CANCER June 22-July 22 You may think this is your lucky month, as things will seem to fall into place for you left and right. Don’t buy any lottery tickets though. Those are for idiots. LEO July 23-Aug 22 This is going to be a time of soul-searching for you. When people look at you accusingly, it’s not your imagination. They know what you did, and they’ll never forgive you. VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 “All the world’s a stage,” said the Bard, and boy was he right. Especially for you. This week you’ll get stuck in a stage curtain. For the hour it takes for you to panic, hy-
perventilate, and be woken by EMTs, the stage shall be a cruel world indeed. LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 A friend will make a strange invitation this week: accept it. You will discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed. A part of yourself that actually doesn’t mind watching NCIS marathons and eating fondue. SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 You’re a water sign, and this month will be especially moist for you. Talc up, son! SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 Don’t be surprised if an old love resurfaces in the near future. Also, don’t be surprised if they remain unimpressed with your lovemaking abilities. A little foreplay wouldn’t kill you, you know. CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 The moon crosses Chiron in the seventh house this month, which does some fucked up things for Capricorn. If you were ever going to die in a farming accident, it’d be this month. UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
OPINIONS THE CRAIGSLIST MAFIA UTAHNS TAKE DEMOCRACY INTO THEIR OWN HANDS ALEXANDRE RODALLEC
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Illustration
CONTRIBUTOR
n a time where America faces many great issues, an interesting development in politics has taken place in Utah, of all places. Progressives from Utah’s 2nd district recently started a grassroots initiative to replace the incumbent Democrat representative, Jim Matheson. Feeling that Matheson (as well as his colleagues) weren’t responsive to the wishes of the people on a range of issues, they decided to look for a “People’s Candidate,” one that would be selected directly by the people, as opposed to offered as a candidate by one of two parties. Initially the campaign approached other Democrats, but found them reluctant to run against their own, due to the political risks involved. The campaign cites itself, however, as having searched for a candidate that can represent the voices of progressives from both parties. A job listing, titled “Courageous Candidate,” was posted on Craigslist.com and 16 full applications were received. Out of these 16, five were chosen for interview. And here comes the most interesting part, the interviews, which took place on January 30th, were held at the Salt Lake City Library in front of a panel of seven activists representing climate, healthcare, LGBT, labor, immigration, peace, and environmental issues. On top of this, the interviews were open to the public, who were also allowed to ask the applicants questions. As of last week a candidate has been selected, Dr. John Weis, a professor for 20 years at the University of Utah who teaches and does research on immunology. Besides the fact that the candidate is a scientist (an underrepresented group of intellectuals in congress), I am struck by the promise that this event potentially holds not only for American democracy, but for Western
BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER
democracy as a whole. He has been chosen to fulfill a contract, something that seems necessary in view of the continually broken promises of politicians on both sides of the aisle. If you want to have a look at the job description he applied to, here’s the link: http://www.utcitizenscandidate.org/#courageous_congressperson. You want to read it, believe me. Since one of the most common complaints by young voters, when asked why they don’t vote, is that politicians aren’t responsive to their wishes, this appears to me to be the way to go. Much could be written about the increasing similarities between Democrats and Republicans, but the main point is that corporate America is being represented before the people, the main argument being: what is good for Big Corporate is good for the people of America. I hope that by now a majority of you who are reading this have realized that all too often the interests of the two are opposed. If you are apathetic because of the current situation, you might find that this event is a sign of a development towards a better democracy. The fact that politicians don’t respond to our wishes for withdrawal from war or universal healthcare, amongst other things, might have a resolution through using this process—a process where politicians have a set job description to follow, including specific points to follow. What needs to happen though, is the rest of the United States’ young population needs to follow Utah’s lead (yes, I know thtyat sounds strange). Could we see a People’s Candidate in California? Remember that politics, at the end of the day, create the situations that piss you off. Why don’t you do something about it, or are you okay with Utah leading the way?
A CLOCKWORK HORROR HOW THE INTERNET HAS DESENSITIZED US ALL MARCO BELTRAN CONTRIBUTOR
If I met you in the street, my dear reader, or on the way to class, and the conversation drifted towards perversion and gore for some reason, I’d like you to try to gross me out. And not the Fear Factor gross out, where you try to make me eat something that looks like someone boiled rat testicles in a pot filled with steamy diarrhea, because that just does not cut it anymore. I want you to remember the most depraved thing that you’ve ever seen or done in your life, and share it with me. I know what you’re thinking because I am watching you as you read this, “Out of all the things you could have asked me to do, Marco Polo, why this? Have you no life?” and I’d stand two inches away from your face and say, “Why don’t you stop asking so many questions and bring me a hot pocket, Mom?” You wouldn’t be fulfilling a perverted fantasy, but showing me how desensitized I am to this type of internet junk. UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
I’ve seen interspecies erotica, a guy break a jar in his rectum, fish porn, Preggo porn, all of the Pain Olympics like eight times each, Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer, and people eating their own excreta, but the only reaction I have is laughter and amazement. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I know saying this won’t win me any popularity and/or brownie points but there are people in this world that do these things with pleasure. Does that not spark a little bit of interest? Knowing you as well as think I do, you’re probably getting ready to fold the paper in half and shove it into whatever you use to carry your laptop, or whatever you use to access your social networking sites. I walk by you in the computer lab during finals week while you’re watching a trailer on someone’s profile that just couldn’t wait until you got home. It’s not like you’re not already wasting your time, so why not help me out? Send your weird shit to bloodymarco@gmail.com.
POST INDUSTRIAL HOMESICK BLUES MATT DUPREE UNION STAFFER
This week we learned a valuable lesson in the physics of the echo chamber. This week Dr. Andrew Wakefield, the man who sparked the global panic of a link between autism and the MMR vaccine, was formally tossed into the failure pile. Turns out he had “manipulated patients’ data” (according to the Times Online) and—if that didn’t make your stomach turn—he did it for the purpose of cashing in on the paranoia. His aim was to raise the alarm so that a lawyer named Richard Barr could launch a class action suit against vaccine manufacturers. And further down the hole of despicability: the money Barr used was from a UK govt. fund to give poor people access to legal aid. Fuck. Just… fuck. The hammer from the scientific community was severe. In a field that uses the robust pursuit of the truth in order to save lives, there’s simply no tolerance for liars. The journal that published his article issued a full retraction, 10 of his 12 coauthors have taken their names off of it, and Wakefield lost his license. Of course, he still has his highpaying job as the Executive Director of a center for autistic children (presumably not the ones whose data he manipulated for financial gain). But surprisingly, the echo chamber continues to chant the dangers of vaccines (and not just the legitimate ones). In fact, the first article that came up when I googled “vaccine autism” was a startlingly paranoid rejection of the news that the vaccine/autism link was bullshit. The author of this particular piece of fantasy was a “Dr. Mercola,” who runs a natural health website that’s full of frightening references to “they,” the pharmaceutical cabal that doesn’t care about you and doesn’t want you to know about Mercola’s reasonably priced alternative medicines! Yeesh. You cut one head off of the greedy bullshit hydra, and two more grow in its place. I guess it makes sense, in a gross and cynical way. These guys are making money off of the natural human urge to be skeptical. They seem to want good things for you, namely good health, and they tell you it’s the soulless corporations’ fault that your child compulsively organizes his toys by height and has trouble making friends. For a time, you feel empowered: is that such a bad thing? Well, yes. Yes it is. Because the empowerment and vindication these guys are peddling is not only false, it’s dangerous. Ever since the vaccine paranoia began, parents have been skipping immunizations in greater numbers. Maybe they think these illnesses are no longer worrisome because of widespread vaccination, or maybe they think the diseases just aren’t that bad. Either way, they’re wrong. And I, for one, don’t want to have to hear about a deadly Polio outbreak for everyone to finally shut up and get their shots.
NEWS STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF ALEXANDRA SCIARRA & FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFERS
Feeling shamefaced about all of those Starbucks cups you burned through last semester? Learn how to make up for your destructive ways at Green Collar Careers, an informational panel of employers from different industries discussing how to pursue a green career. Monday, February 8th, 12-1:30pm, BH 250. “Ahoy polloi, where did you come from, a scotch ad?” Pretend you’re in the movie Caddyshack and watch Women’s Golf, February 8th all day at The Gold Rush in Seal Beach. For more information, call (562) 985-4949. The English Students Association will hold their first annual reading for undergraduate writers this April. If your interested in reading, email Sarah at smontoro@live.com. If you just thought, “But I’m a horrible writer,” ESA has also announced its World’s Worst Writing Contest, February 8th March 3rd. To receive email updates on all the latest ESA news, email csulbesa@gmail.com. You’re so vain, attend Assess Your Personality Type on Tuesday, February 9th, 2-3:30pm, BH -250 to find a major or narrow down career choices. If you’re feeling especially smug go for the personalized report. Register on BeachLINK to fill out an assessment. It’s Black History Month and in honor of Martin Luther King there will be an MLK Celebration on campus Thursday, February 11th, 11-1:00pm at the Speaker’s Platform (between the bus stops and the fountain). Need an original Valentine’s Day idea? How about the Scottish Festival? Festivities will run February 13th-14th, at the Queen Mary and will include a dart tournament, music and dance, and whiskey tasting. $20 per day or $26 for a two-day pass. More info at queenmary.com. The 20th Belly Dancer of the Universe competition will be held February 13th-14th, at the Long Beach Convention Center. $15 per person, cash only. More info at bellydanceroftheuniverse.com. Examine art and exercise on February 13th, with the Art Walk showcase’s local artists. It will take place on the streets of Ocean Blvd, Linden Ave, 1st Street, Broadway, and Elm. Admission is free, parking $4 in nearby structures. More info at ArtWalkLB.com.
MUSCLE BEHIND THE MARIJUANA
RICHARD LEE BANKROLLS PETITION TO GET MARIJUANA ON THE BALLOT JOSE CRUZ CONTRIBUTOR
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he debate of cannabis hemp, otherwise known as marijuana, has been around for years ever since it was banned. However, that could change this upcoming November. As of January 28, supporters of legalized marijuana announced that they had gathered around 700,000 signatures. With that amount, it almost guarantees the issue to be back on the November ballot. The plan consists, of turning in these petitions to officials in some of the major counties including Los Angeles and Long Beach. However, they still need around 400,000 more signatures to carry it onto the ballot. Richard Lee, an Oakland marijuana entrepreneur, has been primarily responsible for the success of the petition. Lee has bankrolled a signature collecting party that is made up of other marijuana dispensary workers. This party has been working to collect the
700,000 signatures and is working tirelessly on obtaining the other 400,000 needed. There is a substantial amount of time to secure the ballot and the year has just begun. If the initiative Tax Cannabis Act happens to pass, then it would make it legal for anyone over the age of 21 to possess about an ounce of marijuana under the law. In addition, marijuana will also be legal to grow. That’s right, legal to grow in an area no bigger than 25 square feet for personal use. If you can grow, then certainly you can buy, however, the Cannabis Act will impose a tax on the sales of all marijuana products. Recent polls show that there is a high probability of this initiative passing and that Californians will support it and are willing to vote in favor of it. A field poll taken in April of ’09 showed that 56% in the state and 60% in Los Angeles wanted to make mari-
juana legal, a good sign for Richard Lee and supporters. With this much public support, collecting those final 400,000 signatures won’t be much trouble. With the legalization of marijuana comes the collected taxes from their profit, which will contribute to the state. It will also cut down on the imports that the US receives illegally through smuggling. In a more macroscopic view, this can affect other countries, especially those of Latin America. Dangerous smugglers force many workers to plant and harvest marijuana just to gain enough money to provide food for their families. Depending on the various perspectives you may have on this issue, you will undoubtedly come to other conclusions. But it is up to you, really, to find your position on the matter and express your point of view when the time comes to vote on it.
O’REILLY VS. STEWART
THEY LET A DEMOCRAT JEW ON FOX NEWS?! CHELSEA STEVENS UNION STAFFER
Last week, two stars of political television collided as Bill O’Reilly hosted Jon Stewart on his opinion news program, The O’Reilly Factor. Stewart, who is most well-known as host of The Daily Show on Comedy Central, was able to show his serious side in the discussion with O’Reilly while still using his intrinsic humor to get ahead. The interview consisted partly of O’Reilly and Stewart taking both jovial and critical shots at each other’s shows, which are known for being on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum. Wiley O’Reilly, who is infamous for his right-winged opinions on things like immigration and global warming, accused Stewart of taking issues out of context to make people look like idiots. Stewart responded by say-
ing The Daily Show views most of the people they do this to as idiots, and he doesn’t mind if this offends his viewers. After O’Reilly dubbed The Daily Show’s fans “stoned slackers who love Obama,” Stewart fought back by chastising the ultra-conservative nature of Fox News, agreeing that the network is “set up to provide aid and comfort to the Republican party.” It all sounds harsh, but the light jokes of Stewart and even a few cracks by O’Reilly kept the tone of the interview easily toeing the line between witty banter and serious debate. The two hosts represent what are seen as two of the most straightforward news shows around. Stewart was recently rated the most trusted news host on television, while Fox News was ranked the most factual network. As Stewart put it, Fox “sells the clearest
narrative” of news reporting, though he added they set up their Republican viewpoint by sprinkling in undefined opinion with genuine news. “You are the voice of sanity around here,” Stewart quipped to O’Reilly, “which is like being the thinnest kid at fat camp.” Behind all the clever dialogue and conflicting opinions, both The Daily Show and Factor’s hosts revealed themselves to be very astute, quickwitted men. Just listening to their expansive vocabulary was enough to make me feel under-educated. Few guests on the Factor are able to trump, let alone get a word in with Mr. O’Reilly in his home court, and Stewart’s honest and humorous approach allowed him to do both. We can only hope these two classy guys will sit down together again soon. UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
SPORTS
#3, Greg Plater, is really glowing! I wonder what his skin-care secret is? #22, Casper Ware looks on as a teammate demoralizes a Fullerton player, sealing a moral victory for CSULB.
MEN’S BASKETBALL LOSES IN OVERTIME. HOWEVER... FULLERTON? MORE LIKE FULLASHIT!!! ANDREW TURNER UNION STAFFER
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he sweep was completed on Thursday night as the Cal State Fullerton Titans came out victorious against the Long Beach State 49ers in front of 4,806 at Walter Pyramid. The fiercely contested game could not be decided in regulation. After Casper Ware could not convert on a jumper from the top of the key as time expired, the two teams entered an extra session that would be dominated by the Titans. Fullerton put up 17 points in the overtime, a total thought by Coach Doug Monson to be too many to expect to win a game. With this advantage, the
Photos
ANDY KNEIS SPORTS EDITOR
Titans emerged with an 81-75 win. The game was clearly a tale of two halves. Cal State Fullerton looked like it was well on its way to an easy win when it built up its largest lead of 12 at the end of the first half, silencing an otherwise raucous crowd. The 49ers came storming back in the second half. Long Beach opened the half on an 8-0 run, bringing the building to life once again. Fighting off a knee injury, Ware’s return to action sparked the Long Beach comeback. The 49ers capitalized on Titan miscues, scoring 20 points off turnovers for the game. A pair of layups from Larry Anderson and Casper Ware
allowed the Beach to erase a seven point deficit in the final two minutes of regulation. Despite being able to stay with the Titans for most of the game, Long Beach could have avoided this defeat had it been more efficient on the offensive end. The 49ers made just 42.9 percent of their field goal attempts. In retrospect, the Titans converted 50 percent of their shots. This disparity would not have proved so devastating had Long Beach State taken care of business from the stripe and the three-point line. The 49ers shot a dismal 2-18 from three point land and delivered on just 41.2 percent of their free throws.
There is no question, the poor shooting cost the 49ers the game. “When you’re not shooting the ball well, everything is magnified,” said Monson after choking down the defeat at the hands of the Titans. Long Beach’s shooting struggles forced them to buckle down on defense, eventually translating into foul trouble that took a bite out of the team in the extra five minutes. Stephan Gilling and Greg Plater fouled out in the overtime, just one of the problems that Long Beach faced as a result of a poorly executed offensive outing. With the win, Long Beach dropped to 1012, 4-5 in Big West action.
#2, Eugene Phelps, shows us all the true meaning of “Shamma Jamz.” Casper Ware and a couple Northridge players take a well-deserved dance break. I’m raising the roof as I type this!
CSULB REDEEMS ITSELF BY DOMINATING NORTHRIDGE 65-49 WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE NORTHRIDGE’S NAME DOESN’T REALLY LEND ITSELF TO PUNS KEVIN O’BRIEN NEWS DIRECTOR
If you have just finished reading the article above, written by our sports article generating machine Andrew Turner or the article’s insane companion headline written by our Sports Editor Andy Kneis, then you know that we lost to Cal State Fullerton in a close game on Friday. It was the abrupt disappointment in overtime of Friday’s game that made Saturday’s game against the Northridge Matadors all the more pleasing. As Turner no doubt communicated to you, the 49ers played an inconsistent game UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
Photos
ANDY KNEIS
SPORTS EDITOR
at best on Friday. However this Saturday, our team was flawless and played an unselfish game of basketball. In synchronicity #22 passed to #3 who passed to #15 who nonchalantly rolled the ball while being sandwiched between two defenders, bringing the score to 25-20. In the aftermath, the “court kids,” a gaggle of 6 and 7-year-olds waddled onto the court mopping up the sweat and bounding through puberty with the help of the CSULB cheerleaders and dancers. #33 started off the second half with a
pristine jump shot, worthy of posting on the back of any dorm door or above any dorm bed. That brought the score to 38-26 and set the tone for the rest of the game, a solid lead supported by reliably executed plays and shots by the 49ers.The Matadors played an energetic game, and never stopped playeinghard until the last seconds, even with the substantial lead of the 49ers in front of them for the entirety of the game. The Northridge crowd verged on nonexistence, but that did not stop our crowd
from shouting the Matador team into submission, every chant of “air ball,” was followed by an empty net. CSULB has made it a practice to distribute balloons and disturbing posters of pop culture side-notes like Carrot Top, Slimer, and Chewbacca to distract the visiting team during free throws. The props did not seem to have an affect on the Matadors but it did make our crowd look a bit insecure. We won in the end with #20 King sinking two free throws, bringing the score to 65-49.
ENTERTAINMENT
HEY YOU! GO WATCH ARCHER!
IF THIS SUB-HEADLINE WAS ON FX IT WOULD HAVE A CUSS SEAN BOULGER
UNION STAFFER, IMPOSSIBLE MISSION TASK FORCE
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here’s a new show on FX and it’s called Archer. If you haven’t seen it yet, the only acceptable excuse is that you haven’t finished reading this newspaper yet, and then will be on your way to seek out the closest television. In keeping with the recent boom of grown-up-humor cartoons, FX’s latest original series is an animated take on both 1960s spy thrillers and office culture. Created by Adam Reed and Matt Thompson, the team behind Adult Swim’s Sealab 2021 and the criminally underrated Frisky Dingo, Archer focuses on the exploits of spy agency ISIS, but does an excellent job of bringing a strong sense of work comedy into the mix. While there are spy tropes abound, one of the things that sets the show apart is that it also focuses on the bizarre office interplay that takes place within the agency. Characters like Pam, the section head of Human Resources, and Cyrill in accounting (voiced by Chris Parnell from SNL) take center stage along with Sterling Archer (H. Jon Benjamin, of Family Guy, Venture Bros, and Home Movies fame) and his mother Malory (Arrested Development’s Jessica Walter)—ISIS’ top agent and his director, respectively. Whether they’re assessing the trustworthiness of Conway Stern, the agency’s black and Jewish diversity hire, or addressing the
issue of a Russian mole infiltrating the ranks and messing with agents’ expense accounts, the characters in Archer find themselves in an array of situations that lets Adam Reed and his writers play with dialogue, repetition, and subtle inside jokes that repeat themselves as the series progresses. While Sealab 2021 was a showcase of idiosyncratic dialogue and banter-related comedy, Frisky Dingo combined this idea with a heavily story-intensive plot, thereby deriving much of its humor from foreknowledge of characters and the complicated relationships that arose between them over the course of the series. With Archer, Reed’s unique dialogue and distinctive wordplay make for rapid-fire jokes, where punch lines aren’t necessarily paused for, and laughter can easily cause the missing of the next joke. A trait shared with Frisky Dingo and a host of other quality sitcoms (Stella and Arrested Development come to mind), this kind of relentless pacing has become a staple of recently-developed, quality comedies. It also often proves to be more or less ahead of the curve, as all three of the shows I just mentioned were cancelled after unfairly short runs. FX’s edgier programming tendencies might very well prove to be Archer’s best
THE JEFF GOLDBLUM AFFAIR
THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THIS CENTURY’S PETER O’TOOLE KEVIN O’BRIEN
NEWS DIRECTOR, SPECTRE
Recently I have become intensely focused on Jeff Goldblum. That is the clearest way that I can state my interest. Jeff Goldblum is an actor who has appeared in such films as The Fly, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and has most recently starred in Law & Order: Criminal Intent. To encapsulate what is “Jeff Goldblum,” I refer to CSULB alumni Steven Spielberg who described Goldblum’s technique in “The Making of Jurassic Park,” “I tried to cast really, really good actors…Jeff Goldblum is an incredible naturalistic actor, it seems like he’s (making up) the dialogue as he speaks. Because the acting was so realistic, there was enough character in movie to make you root for the people and not just the dinosaurs.” If you read between the lines, Spielberg is stating that the veracity of Goldblum’s acting is the only reason that the digital and practical effects that Jurassic Park was so renowned for, worked only because of the strength of Jeff Goldblum’s performance.
One such line being a response to two of the main characters Alan Grant and Elliot Sattler was simply “hahahaha arrrrrrr hahahahe ahaaa ahha.” I think I’ll call him Jeff. To the untrained ear Jeff ’s style could be interpreted as just a jumble of prolonged “umms” and “uhhs” between words or phrases with Jeff ’s obtuse pronunciation. However, Jeff ’s tact is in his ability to make lines that any other actor would deliver as insincere, as real as if Jeff was informing you what his favorite kind of fruit is. Another example of Jeff ’s skill is his portrayal of David Jason in the film Deep Cover. In one scene in particular Jeff is in the back of a limousine in the middle of a high-speed pursuit with the police. Jeff ’s has his gun trained on an old man who he accuses of being a rat and then forces out of the speeding limousine, Jeff screams,“WE’LL HAVE SHRIMP, GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT,” he shoots the old man out of the car in the right buttock, “WE’LL HAVE BBQ JUMBO SHRIMP, YOU MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR.” And he pulled it off.
friend, however, as the network’s more lenient censorship policies have already given the show’s writing staff a much wider palette with which to paint—that is, if it’s okay for me to use a painting metaphor to describe the fact that FX lets Reed write “shit” into his television show. Well, that and some of the bolder racerelated jokes are just a couple of the reasons Archer wouldn’t find a home on most other networks—and are certainly indicative of the show’s no-punches-pulled attitude. Oedipal issues are something of a recurring theme, as is race-related humor (the word “octaroon” and “negress” appear in two subsequent episodes), and on-screen nudity often leaves little to the imagination. While the humor might come across as reactionary sometimes, Reed simply seeing how much he can get away with on his new network’s dime, this adds a certain amount of charm to the series’ overall aesthetic. Many of the show’s scenes play out
with the characters simply interacting with each other on a day-to-day basis in the ISIS offices. There’s constant tension, interplay, and banter, and all of which comes together with a sort of witty, yet sophomoric sense of humor that winds up lending an interesting sense of authenticity to the series. With the appropriate suspension of disbelief, the characters in Archer take on a strong and vivid life of their own, playing naturally and believably off of each others’ personalities. When I watch Archer, I see an office full of people being assholes to one another—often in the most witty way possible. That’s how I envision the writing offices of the very television show itself; in the same way that Reed and his crew seem to be constantly pushing the envelope under FX’s watch, just as Archer is constantly testing his mother as she struggles to run the ISIS spy agency. Reed is writing what he knows, and Archer is a great show because of it.
EXPIRES 2/28
UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
LITERATURE ALL THE PRETTY SOURCES INTRODUCTION
L
CAITLIN CUTT LITERATURE EDITOR
isten, I’m a Comparative World Literature major. Do you know what that means? It’s okay, neither do I, really. But here’s what I do know: out of any other Liberal Artsy fartsy degree you could spend your time on, Comp Lit can make you a master of linking “seemingly” unrelated books, articles, movies, etc. together, no matter how ridiculous they are (Annoying quotation placement is another skill I’ve acquired, however being a pain in the ass is not exclusive to Comp Lit. Usually Creative Writing majors minoring in Philosophy are the worst—best?—at this). In some circles, this “skill” is referred to as bullshitting.
THE INTELLECTUAL DEVOTIONAL
SOPHIE’S WORLD CAITLIN CUTT
CAITLIN CUTT This book is a response to the millions of Americans who keep religious devotional books beside their bed (or their toilet) in order to satisfy their daily dose of “God time” before they set out for the day. For years, the best thing Atheists could keep next to the toilet was Gravity’s Rainbow, but thanks to Noah Oppenheim and David Kidder, nonbelievers have something to devote 15 minutes to other than NPR in the morning. The actual subtitle of the book is, “Revive Your Mind, Complete Your Education, and Roam Confidently with the Cultured Class.” So yeah, I don’t need to defend this pick. The book is 365 pages long, which obviously breaks down to one lesson a day and the topics pull from seven fields of knowledge: History, Literature, Philosophy, Mathematics & Science, Religion, Visual Arts, and Music. By the time you get through it, you’ll be able to tell people where Bismark, North Dakota got its name (Nope. You have to read it yourself.), how Charles Dickens got his start, and where the alphabet came from.
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Contrary to popular belief, to really bullshit you need to know a thing or two. You can’t lie about knowing something—but you can sort of know a little bit about something that may be related by piggybacking on the work of people who are far, far, more disciplined and interesting than yourself. Here are four books that will help you kick-start papers, get through discussions about books you’ve read, and it is my small hope that one of these books may pique your interest. In any case, I know for a fact that these books will give you the ability to blow a bullshit storm bigger than Hurricane Katrina.
THE VISUAL HISTORY OF THE WORLD RACHEL RUFRANO Bullshitting your way through history isn't easy—it's a lot of specific names, dates, locations. The great advantage of knowing your history is that it just about encompasses everything. You can navigate your way through the arts, sciences, humanities, religion, and anything and everything else. As little as most of us know to get by, saying “back in the day” is only going to get us so far. Fear not, mere mortals, credibility and pseudointelligence is just one short memory trick away. National Geographic's Visual History of the World a three pound book full of bullet points; bullet points about everything from the dawn of man to just about yesterday. The book is split up into eight sections: “Prehistory,” “First Empires,” The Ancient World,” “The Middle Ages,” “The Early Modern Period,” “The Modern Era,” “The World Wars and The Interwar Period” and “The Contemporary Period.” It also happens to be full of pictures which means, if you happen to be a kinesthetic or visual learner, you'll actually remember most of what you read. Trust me kids, nothing is more impressive than putting something into historical context.
Beautifully written by Jostein Gaarder, this book is a little different from the others on this list, mainly because it’s a novel. This children’s book about a little girl named Sophie Amundsen who lives in Norway in the 1990s, is a coming-of-age novel that also doubles as a novelization of the entire history of Western Philosophy. I promise it’s far more enjoyable than it sounds. The story begins when Sophie starts to receive mysterious letters from an anonymous professor. The first letter is comprised of two questions: “Who are you?” and “Where does the world come from?” From there the novel alternates between Sophie’s story, which is sprinkled with events that “appear” scientifically impossible and full-blown philosophy lessons that appear in chronological order. Honestly it’s a good read on its own, and the most exciting quality of the book is the way in which Gaarder manages to work each philosophical movement into the structure of the story. It’s best to try and read it all the way through. But even if you just get it to thumb through, you’ll get something out if it.
CULTURAL AMNESIA CAITLIN CUTT Cultural Amnesia by Clive James, is easily the most informative book I have ever purchased in my entire young adult life. I think I’ve referenced this book in four final papers, and whenever I feel really smart it’s usually because I am referencing something I read in this book. Comprised of 110 biographical essays, James artfully mines one important historical, political, or artistic figure after another from the annals of 20th century Western culture. The figures in James' selection range from fun people like Tony Curtis and Charlie Chaplin, to people like William Hazlitt, whom I did not know existed before I read this book. Again, I’m not going to tell you. But seriously, he’s really important. What’s most impressive about this book is that, as James relays the obvious highlights in each respective life he writes on, he’s also able to articulate the impact these people and their lives had on Western Culture. This man displays a grasp of culture that I honestly do not know how anyone had time for. I think everyone should capitalize on this man’s life work.
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HIGH ANXIETY
MEDICAL MARIJUANA
TAKES ROOT IN LONG BEACH MATT DUPREE UNION STAFFER
T
he first shot fired was the Nov. 3 closing of the Green Nurse Collective, a dispensary at the corner of Broadway and Temple that had branched out from hocking cigarette cartons into the medicinal pot business. The City of Long Beach (capitalized to emphasize the “powers that be” nature of this group, as opposed to the actual people in the city) broke out their prohibition-era hatchets and… slapped a piece of paper on the door that said “CLOSED.” The Carrie Nations of our fair city wasted no time in setting up camp once the anti-dispensary flag was raised. Councilwoman Gerrie Schipske issued a press release encouraging people to narc on any local dispensaries they see open, “…let me know so that I can refer them to the Police Department.” City Prosecutor Tom Reeves penned an op-ed (herein referred to as “Reever Madness”) for LBPOST.com that equated medicinal marijuana caregivers with drug dealers. Reever Madness dripped with an outdated parlance and misplaced anger ripped directly from ’30s exploitation films, conjuring the image of ne’er-do-well hippies luring their poor, sick clients in with free samples and delivery services, “try the dope —dig the prices.” Customer service? Will someone please think of the children!? Underneath the “Get off my lawn” attitude, Reever Madness shows the city prosecutor (I was considering calling him a ‘persecutor’ as a joke, but I believe my audience requires a higher class of joke) for what he really is: A man with a hammer, seeing every problem as a nail. There were no qualms about patients’ needs, no conciliatory aims to find a compromise, there was only the mighty phallus of the law. There were criminals and non-criminals, and so what if a few cripplingly ill taxpayers end up on the wrong side of Reeves’ admitted “patch work of conflicting local laws”? It’s all… so… predictable. Unfortunately for Reeves, CA law still allows for prescribed marijuana patients to get their dope on, so the discussion moved over to how exactly they would do it. And since the kerfuffle started right before the holiday season, that discussion had to wait until the new year. It also moved over into quite possibly the most unreadable and boring form of
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lawmaking: zoning regulations. It fell on the city to decide how far away these dispensaries had to be from schools, exclusively residential areas, and other dispensaries (if you were hoping to finally legitimize your dorm-room pot-dealing, you’re SOL). Two maps were drawn up, one which marked a 500 foot circular boundary around every school, library, and nursery and another with similar boundaries extended to 1,000 feet (which looked more like Dresden at its firebombiest). The less-than-subtle symbolism of acceptable dispensary locations being colored alarm red cast a long shadow of administrative reluctance over the issue at the January 19th council meeting. The medicinal marijuana ordinance was opened for discussion only after the pressing matters of a Long Beach City Smartphone application and the maximum prize amount for Bingo had been settled. The distance from schools ended up being the most contentious discussion, as some felt that 1,000 feet from every school was too much and others thought it too little (and some thought it was juuuust right). Surprisingly, no one suggested spacing our schools further apart to allow for more medical pot. And that was the January 19th meeting. It was surprisingly non-contentious considering the obvious divisions. District 4’s Pat O’Donnell fought for a strict 1,500 foot barrier and a ‘Locals only’ policy for the marijuana sold at dispensaries (meaning the pot has to be grown in the city). The restriction on selling only pot grown within the city (or in some versions of the ordinance, only pot grown onsite at that specific dispensary) was to be the kiss of death for LB’s medical marijuana providers, and proved to be the litmus test for which councilmembers carried daggers for medical marijuana from the outset. The line in the sand was clear. Four Councilmembers (O’Donnell, Schipske, Lowenthal, & DeLong) were going to make this an issue of public safety, and the other four (Garcia, Lerch, Gabelich, & Uranga) were making this about patients’ rights. The tie-breaking member, the 6th District’s Dee Andrews, was absent on the 19th, sending the sporting press into a frenzy over which way Andrews would tip the deadlock. Would councilman Andrews, whose past substance abuse issues and subsequent sobriety are well-known, slam the hammer down on the devil’s weed in service of his reformation? Or would he sympathize with the patients, proving himself to be the pavement-pounding champion of the championless that he’s always purported himself to be? Only time would tell. Fast forward to February 2nd. The band was back together. Andrews was present, he brought his axe along, and he looked ready to jam. The only question was whose song he’d play (end musical metaphor). Well, relax kiddos. Andrews opposed the unreasonable and quizzical cultivation restrictions (why would dispensary opponents support the creation of large grow operations within the city?) and from there it was a slow tug-of-war to victory for the forces of medical pot and compassionate governance. City Attorney Robert Shannon promptly created a revised ordinance which actually makes a heck of a lot of sense. Dispensaries are required to keep strict records, provide proper labeling, and submit samples for safety testing. Moreover, they have to be insulated against any sounds or smells getting out, they must have properly secured windows and hatches (to discourage weed burglars), and all visible signs must be unlighted. Good news for patients and dispensary neighbors, but bad news for the neon pot leaf industry. Essentially, the ordinance forces medicinal marijuana collectives to be clean, secure, and respectable places where professionals issue safe, prescribed medicines to qualified patients (you know, like a pharmacy). Ultimately, what we’ve come to with this ordinance is the recognition that marijuana is not indivisible from crime. The move to institutionalize medicinal marijuana is not an attempt to “get away with” anything. The proponents of medical marijuana, as well as those of marijuana legalization, are seeking a way to extricate a harmless practice from the clutches of lawlessness. And since they’re all willing to pay taxes, what’s the harm exactly?
But the story isn’t over, kiddos. A last-minute Hail Mary by the opposition to sway the city council has just been called. Another meeting has been called so the council can hear from the District Attorney’s office and “law enforcement experts” regarding their “concerns relating to the recent proposal.” It could be nothing at all, the last death rattle of the stick up Long Beach’s ass. It should still warrant concern and it warrants action. What follows is a list of contact information for Long Beach City Council members and a link to a site that will tell you which district you live in. Long Beach is a big city, but your voice
still counts. So don’t be afraid to get on the phone and give Gary DeLong (CSULB’s district’s council member) or Suja Lowenthal (my district’s council member) your opinions about medicinal marijuana, Long Beach, and bingo prizes. Your tuition’s been raising home values for years. Long Beach needs you.
Long Beach City Council Website
http://www.longbeach.gov/council/default.asp
LONG BEACH CITY COUNCIL CITY HALL OFFICE Civic Center Plaza 333 West Ocean Blvd., 14th Floor Long Beach, California 90802
DISTRICT 5 - GERRIE SCHIPSKE Phone Number: (562) 570-6932 Fax Number: (562) 570-6857 Email: district5@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 1 - ROBERT GARCIA Telephone Number: (562) 570-6919 Fax Number: (562) 570-6590 Email: district1@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 6 - DEE ANDREWS Telephone Number: (562) 570-6816 Fax Number: (562) 570-7135 Email: dee.andrews@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 2 - SUJA LOWENTHAL Telephone Number: (562) 570-6684 Fax Number: (562) 570-6882 Email: district2@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 7 - TONIA REYES URANGA Telephone Number: (562) 570-6139 Fax Number: (562) 570-6954 Email: district7@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 3 - GARY DELONG Telephone Number: (562) 570-6300 Fax Number: (562) 570-6186 E-mail: district3@LongBeach.gov
DISTRICT 8 - RAE GABELICH Phone Number: (562) 570-6685 Fax Number: (562) 570-5982 Email: district8@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 4 - PATRICK O’DONNELL Phone Number: 562.570.6918 Fax Number: 562.570.5235 E-mail: district4@longbeach.gov
DISTRICT 9 - VICE MAYOR VAL LERCH Telephone Number: (562) 570-6137 Fax Number: (562) 570-6659 Email: district9@longbeach.gov
UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
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MUSIC DON’T BELIEVE THE BLOG HYPE
AND JUDGE THE VIVIAN GIRLS FOR YOURSELF MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN UNION STAFFER
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rooklyn’s much-beloved girl pop group The Vivian Girls draw from a devotion to the classic girl pop style of the ‘50s and ‘60s updated slightly for today’s trendy audience to create some of today’s most enjoyable music. Through the power of the blogs, the band, which consists of Cassie Ramone on guitar, Katy Goodman on bass, and Frankie Rose on drums, have created a ravenous fan base. It doesn’t hurt that the trio have gained the respect of the buzzed-about-Brooklyn community as well as punk stalwarts like Toronto’s Fucked Up. The band was in town this weekend to promote the recent release of the phenomenal Everything Goes Wrong. They stopped there along all the usual stops for hipster bands: LA’s all ages Mecca, The Smell, Detroit Bar, and one of the few places in Orange County that still offers live music, UCI. Traditionally considered a cultural
wasteland, students working at KUCI, the campus radio station, sought to change Irvine’s bad reputation and provide Orange County concert-goers an alternative to the long drive up to LA or Echo Park by providing inexpensive all ages shows closer to home. Because of the band’s hectic weekend touring schedule, Friday’s show was an intimate acoustic matinee with local band Deathday Party opening up. Deathday Party is a five piece that blends dense industrial rhythms with Ian Curtis-esque aping vocals. Except for a dedicated core of enthusiasts the audience was more interested in managing their expectations for The Vivian Girls than jamming out with Deathday Party. At about 3pm the announcement came that the Girls were stuck in traffic, which was frustrating because the show was advertised to end promptly at 4pm. Luckily the band
STUPID NAME. GOOD BAND. Okay this will be a fun, interactive music review. First, close your eyes. Now imagine you pick up Dananananaykroyd’s debut album Hey Everyone! “Hmm...a very odd band name and a crazy pink cover?? I am intrigued because I’m not a bullshit close-minded individual,” you might think. If this doesn’t apply to you so far you might as well just open your eyes and go read the news page or something. Keep imagining! You pop the CD in and immediately your face and socks are blasted off by big ass “Killing in the Name Of ” style chords and the thumping two drummer attack of the opening track UNION WEEKLY
“Hey Everyone.” Hi!!! After a nice little instrumental track, with some creative guitar work and more of the sock removing drumming, the next track starts. The band starts chanting its name which is a helpful touch. You are very grateful to Dananananaykroyd for helping you to pronounce their name. Just as the chanting is finishing up you are treated to what is quite possibly the album’s greatest moment. Just before the album’s first verse starts, one of the singers (they have two of those, too) shouts out “Oh hiya! Watch this! Watch this!” It’s just a nice gesture, with one of the singers giving you a nice little hello
8 FEBRUARY 2010
arrived quickly and promised to play for as long as necessary. After the band set up, the audience sat down creating a wonderfully informal setting. The Girls told the crowd that they usually open up acoustic shows to requests and welcomed any suggestions. The result was a mix of classics like “I Believe In Nothing” and “Wild Eyes” off the band’s phenomenal self-titled debut. The group was extremely personable and played flawlessly, despite complaining of phlegm and regularly pausing between songs to cough their lungs out. The concert was not short of surprises as requests varied greatly from requests for new material, to calls for the band’s phenomenal cover of The Wipers classic “Telepathic Love.” Though many of the band’s songs follow a strict pattern of short sweet minimal jams, the band managed to extend their sonic range, even on minimal equipment. Embracing their pop heritage,
ANDY KNEIS SPORTS EDITOR
and beckoning you to come enjoy the music to come. Rock ‘n’ roll is missing this kind of courtesy. Okay, now open your eyes. All that cool stuff happened in the first two minutes or so of the album. The rest of it follows suit, with each of the songs being their own fun adventure, many of them ending in crazy two-singer-screaming crescendos. It’s clear how much fun the band is having, and the best part is how they let you in on this fun with little winks every now and then... remind you of any music reviews you’ve read lately??? Mine. It was a good one, you liked it. Bye everyone!
the Girls debuted an acapella track, which coincidentally is the B-Side to the groups’ newly minted 7-inch. Another derivation from the Girl’s usual sound was a 6-minute instrument heavy song, which still managed to showcase their super human knack for harmonies. After finishing up, the band had to immediately head over to Costa Mesa’s Detroit Bar to begin preparations for the nights plugged-in hectic performance, but it was in the immediate stripped down setting that the Vivian Girls showed why they are a band that transcends internet hype and post-ironic genre anachronisms. Whether labeled as a rip-off of The Raindrops, or another lo-fi shit gaze band, the Vivian Girls have the sheer pop sensibilities that puts them above mere impression, and helps them stand out among the wave of beach friendly shoegazey punk bands that boomed in 2009.
CULTURE DAYTRIP: ECHO PARK TIME TRAVEL MART 2999
2360
2010
1988
1977
1967
1950
1930
1810
50
1000BC
Dave Eggers Prepares Us For the Space-Time Continuum
Aside from being a brilliant writer, charming, and surprisingly less arrogant in person than I could ever hope, Dave Eggers is one hell of a philanthropist. His non-profit organization 826 Valencia in San Francisco provides an outlet for students and teachers to promote the importance of writing as a fundamental tool for future success. Students are given the opportunity to go on field-trips, collaborate on writing and even publish their own work. 826 is made possible not only by Eggers, but the hundreds of volunteers and skilled tutors that make up its staff. His dedication to education has jumpstarted a movement of community activism and enthusiasm for the arts, and for that, I will always admire him. He also has a pirate store. And a superhero store. Oh, and a Time Travel Mart. Yes, in Echo Park, 30 minutes away from Long Beach, you will find yourself in an alternate dimension—okay, maybe it’s not an alternate dimension, but you’ll definitely find everything you need in case you need to travel through time and space. Get queasy easily? Pop some TK Brand Time Travel Sickness Pills before your ride and you won’t feel a thing. Going to visit 2170? Don’t forget your Robot Emotions, you don’t want to be completely lifeless! Everything from Robot Milk and Caveman Candy to Dinosaur eggs (careful, they can hatch any second!) and Bottled Time is ready and BY KATHY MIRANDA available for all your time traveling needs. The store isn’t just CULTURE EDITOR silly, it’s practical! Thanks, Mr. Eggers, see you in 1993! Visit Echo Park Time Travel Mart at 1714 West Sunset Boulevard 826la.org
WANTED! BEST BEARD ON CAMPUS
Exploring the metaphysics of the human body and its various states of suspended communication–Inflexion Points. \\ KATIE REINMAN AND KELLY HAMILTON //
WIN A FREE BEARD GROOM! ENTER NOW!
thebestbeard@gmail.com
SUBMIT YOUR PHOTOS BY FEB. 12TH!
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EXHIBIT OPENS SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7TH CLOSES ON THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11TH UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
CREATIVE ARTS
Photos
Poetry
UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
JONATHAN TAKAHASHI
CONTRIBUTOR
COLIN TINDALL CONTRIBUTOR
COMICS
You’re STUCK Here! by Victor! Perfecto
Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
EASY
www.funatronics.com/kookoo
HARD Garage Sketchbook by elisa
Drunken Penguin Presents by James Kislingbury
http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/
penguin.incarnate@gmail.com
Christ, what took me so long? Send feedback to: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or leave comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239
HARD
ANSWERS
EASY
Crabby Times by JANTZEN
UNION WEEKLY
8 FEBRUARY 2010
Disclaimer:
“Shawty’s like a melody in my head.” -Iyaz
This publication is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. I bequeef unto you, these jokes. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
Volume 66 Issue 2
Monday, February 8th, 2009
New Translation of NIV Bible Reveals that ‘God Hates Figs’ BY BOSSY BOOTS PARIS, CA – The morning of Monday January 1st, at the West Coast Baptist Center of Evangelical Development, hundreds of high-ranking Baptist leaders, namely the leaders of Westboro Baptist Church, anxiously awaited an announcement from a team of New International Version Biblical translators who had called a “pretty much mandatory” press conference for “anyone who feels that he is a shepherd for the Lord [and their wives].” Associate Pastor Bill Oaks spoke to the crowed, “Despite what translators may have stated the Bible said in the past, after careful examination, we have concluded definitively that the actual translation is, ‘God hates figs.’ Not…fags.” Sobs were audible throughout the crowd. Oaks continued, “Look, a lot of this Bible is written in Hebrew. As you all know, that language reads from right to left. It’s really hard. We had the order down. It was just the middle part. Sorry, homosexuals. Our bad.” “I knew the announcement was going to be important. But I didn’t realize I’d have to throw out so many of my favorite T-shirts,” said Pastor Bill White. White, who attended
the watershed meeting, runs U-Turn for Christ, a former “Pray Out the Gay” Fundamentalist program in Paris, California. White’s compound is currently undergoing renovations to supply support for Christians who are now faced with the task of de-figging their diets. However, one big question remains: Is there a future for Westboro Baptist Church’s virulent, anti-gay tour that’s currently making its way down through Southern California? Bill Warner, Chief Rally Organizer for Westboro, stated in a phone interview, Pastor Bill Warner carries a replacement sign to a new rally. “The fig thing is big. We were super discouraged at first. We According to Warner, Westboro is called an emergency men’s retreat taking the “if you can’t beat ’em, join at Pastor Peyton’s log cabin. It was ’em” approach. Pastor Fred Phelps, the fun. We got snowed in! Anyway, late leader of the “God Hates Fags” moveone night we were playing Romans ment, who rarely makes public stateand Christians to unwind. It’s like ments, released this Friday night, “In Sardines. The Christians are the sar- times like these, we have to remember dines, and the Romans have to look two things: first, we are not infallible for them with flashlights. If you find like our Lord and Savior. And second, a guy, you have to hide with him in there are still many, many other things the dark wherever they’re hiding— that we hate because God hates them: no matter how small, or cramped, or there are still Black people, Mormons, hot the hiding place is. We all ended Music, fun, the Irish, the Swedes, peoup in the pantry, and that’s where we ple who use flags, the Catholics, and had a breakthrough.” of course, the Jews.”
LBUNION.COM
Teen Drinking May Cause Irreversible Friendship BY SEXUAL RANDY In a study However, the study’s findpublished in ings were not without their the latest is- critics. Dr. Simon Rawdich, sue of The a leader in the field of wallSwedish Review of What All flowertry was quick to voice the Cool Kids Are Doing Week- his concerns. ly, new research suggests that “The Study leaves out alcohol consumption among those who are socially unable teenagers can lead to irre- to integrate themselves into versible friendship. party situations. While teen In a controlled experi- drinking may lead to irrement at Dennis’ mom’s base- versible friendship for some, ment Friday night, Dr. Liev it may also further isolate Kolopowski and his team those who happen to think documented the processes beer tastes gross.” of adolescent, social norm Dr. Kolopowski conceded regression after consuming some points, “[Rawdich’s] alcohol. In layman’s terms, right, but he’s also a total tool. this process is called “loss Dude, try unplugging yourof inhibitions.” The partici- self from a Call of Duty, and pants displayed excessive talking like a fucking person, positive behavior, such as loser. Jesus. The problem with impromptu hugging, relay- wallflowers is their pussy-like ing how much they “fucking” behavior prohibits their—aw, love various songs, various fuck it. They’re pussies, plain party snacks, and each other. and simple. Drink?” “It’s weird, I started drinking and all of a sudden I was like, ‘I love these people!’” Despite copious amounts of puking, one subject who will be called “Jimmy” was even lovingly deemed Teen’s consuming alcohol can expect loss of body Firehose. functions, stick-in-ass.
INSIDE
Girl Leaving Apartment Prompts Record-Breaking 6-Minute Fart
Cat Does Something Amazing, Claims Dead-Eyed Woman
“That could have been bad,” said Rory Comptouse, 25, after a woman, Lisa Triptych, 26, left his apartment. Comptouse, renowned among his friends for the volume and fragrance of his flatulence, was unable to pass gas on Wednesday when his neighbor, Triptych, stopped by to borrow a pan. This prevented him from farting for a good 15 minutes. “That was bad. I think I threw out my back.” PAGE PF
Last Thursday, Helen Roukefort told her grown son that their family cat, Rocco St. Claire (“Johnny Rocco” to his friends), did something amazing. “He just jumped from on top of the chair! How does he do that?” she asked her son who filled up his wine glass for the third time that night. Admittedly, it was more impressive than when the cat hid under the jukebox for a day. PAGE E6
Charlton Heston Responsible for AIDS, Lead Experts Say PAGE H15