66.03

ISSUE 66.03 JOE BRYANT

“‘It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times!?’

You stupid monkey!”

-Charles Montgomery Burns

WOMYNKIND A LETTER TO AND FROM THE EDITOR

Dear Mr. Bryant, I appreciated your concession to “Disappointed Reader” in the Feb. 8th issue that you regretted not including an African-American in the Union’s “Hot Chick” feature.

Lack of diversity, while telling, is not the main issue though. The larger problem is that it is a societal imperative for girls to be “beautiful” in the first place, and the “Hot Chick” feature took for granted the damaging assumption that women should be appraised by their appearance. I was surprised by how clearly and unapologetically the article objectified the women included. I felt that any girl who picked up the paper was also subject to that same treatment in a sense, for the Union provided a barometer with which to measure her own fuckability.

It may be a “societal imperative” for women to be beautiful, but you make a giant leap in logic in saying that we assumed anything. There are physically beautiful women on this campus, that’s all the feature was about. If we’d wanted to give

RUE OUR DOODLES

readers a fuckability barometer, we would have designed one in Photoshop and it would have looked damn good.

You’re assuming it’s our job to tap people on the shoulder while they’re reading the issue and say, “Hey! Don’t forget that any woman anywhere at any time may or may not be beautiful in ways that may or may not be perceivable to the human eye! Don’t jerk off to that!” Almost all of our readers are college students and therefore (hopefully) critical thinkers. I think they can look at some tasteful headshots of pretty ladies without it ruining their day.

I never said my critics were humorless feminazis. I said they had “passive-aggressive-post-militant-feminist-scorn.”

One: I thought, like me, my critics would find that funny. Two: That couldn’t be any less like a feminazi (a term that’s not only derisive, but just plain dumb).

By pointing out that women wrote the article, I wasn’t implying anything, let alone that Caitlin and Simone are spokespersons for women everywhere.

There shouldn’t be anything wrong with acknowledging beauty when you see it, regardless what form it takes.

Who knows? Joe knows.

Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.

JAMES KISLINGBURY POOP ENTHUSIAST

CLAY COOPER

joeb.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com clay.union@gmail.com

SIMONE HARRISON

simone.union@gmail.com

KEVIN O’BRIEN

kevinob.union@gmail.com

Opinions Editor News Director

ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Literature Editor & PR

JAMES KISLINGBURY

RACHEL RUFRANO

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

O

Managing Editor

Entertainment Editor & PR

JOE BRYANT Additionally, I think it would have served you well to address some points from your more impassioned critics instead of relying on the straw man argument that they are humorless feminazis by default. Ad hominem attacks don’t have weight. Bolster your credibility by giving a defense for running the “Hot Chick” feature. Pointing out that the authors of the article were women is only a legitimate argument if you believe that an individual can or should serve as a representative for their gender.

I realize that your newspaper is under no obligation to make the world a better place. But I do wish that, as a weekly that positions itself as alternative, the Union did not instead include a feature that highlighted society’s oldest flaws.

I would love to see a feature about students who are beautiful or admirable because of what they do, not because their genetics happen to land them closer to an unattainable standard.

Thanks for you time, Concerned

RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor

JOE VERSUS

nce again, I’ve received a letter criticizing us for our work on the Hot Chick Featch (Issue 66.01). In the interest of not boring our readership to death, consider this the nail in the coffin of this discussion. I will not print any other letters concerning the article, whether the feedback is positive or negative. There are few things Union staffers like more than talking about ourselves, but even we have our limits. So let’s get to it.

Editor-in-Chief

Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA

Creative Arts Editor

andyk.union@gmail.com caitlincutt.union@gmail.com jamesk.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com

VICTOR CAMBA

victorpc.union@gmail.com

KATHY MIRANDA

kathym.union@gmail.com

Comics Editor Culture Editor

SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor

bear.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

Art Director/Cover Design

ANDREW LEE

Photo Editor/ Cover Photo

MIKE PALLOTTA

On-Campus Distribution

KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Advertising Executive

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, JASON OPPLIGER, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, JESSE BLAKE, KELVIN HO, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, STEVEN TRAN, SHELDON GANNT, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JONATHAN TAKAHASHI, JO JAMISON, COLIN TINDALL, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, SHANNON COVEY, JAMIE KARSON, CHELSEA STEVENS, STEVEN ARTHUR WOOD, JEFF CHANG, LEO PORTUGAL, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, MARCO BELTRAN, JASMINE GAGNIER

Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication.

However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length.

The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

SPORTS

Left: Figueroa beats back SLO’s Clancy. Not pictured: Clancy’s mom weeping. Middle: Two Mustangs sandwich a ‘Niner for shits and gigs. Right: Good hustle, #40. Good hustle.

OFF TO THE GLUE FACTORY WOMEN’S B-BALL PUT DOWN THE MUSTANGS, 72-65

L

KEVIN O’BRIEN

NEWS DIRECTOR

ast Thursday the CSULB girl’s basketball team played the Cal Poly Mustangs at home in the ’Myd. I showed up halfway through the game. A fact I regret.

It was not the most journalistically professional thing to do, but more so I regret missing half of a great game. I walked in, sat down at the press table, with 38 seconds left in the first half. #44 Lisnock passed to #20 Figueroa who passed to #33 Moorer and sank a shot to bring the 49ers ahead, 29-22. First half over, right? Wrong. 21 seconds to go, Figueroa passed to Lisnock who headed in for the layup and brought the score to 31-22.

Karina Figueroa, who executed two

Photos

ANDY KNEIS

SPORTS EDITOR

spotless jump shots (hanging in the air before bringing the score to 36-24 and then to 41-28), dominated the start of the second half. In and outside of the key, Figueroa comfortably dominated the opposition— mainly #11 Clancy, the point guard for the Mustangs. The difference between these two players is the same difference between the two teams and the reasons why we won. The entire game Figueroa looked liked she was just playing around, while Clancy looked like she was in labor, biting down hard on her bright blue mouth guard.

Breaking away from the individual and focusing on the team, the CSULB defense

was like a fluid-covered membrane. Do you know what I mean? It was like a selectivelypermeable membrane, it was like a cell wall.

You see, in a cell wall only necessary nutrients are allowed to permeate the outer layer. And the only time we let the Mustangs permeate our defense was when we needed a little nutritious motivation in the form of two points for the opposing team. Let’s just say that nutrients were sparse and when they penetrated it was in the last seconds of the shot clock.

In the final 15 minutes the Mustangs started to come back, like a virus (don’t worry, I’m not going back there). With 6 minutes and 47 seconds left the game was

tied, 52-52. We began to trade points on a more regular basis; the only issue was their points were worth more than ours as they kept sinking threes. Figueroa kept the 49ers ahead of the Mustangs with a three from the top of the key, bringing the score to 55-54 and then another three to build the lead to 58-54. The struggle stretched all the way into the final 60 seconds of the game, which was a timeout-laden scramble. The score was 67-65, CSULB barely in the lead. Figueroa made a free throw, score 69-65. The win was solidified for Long Beach by two free throws made by Moorer. Final score: 72-65.

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

OPINIONS WORKING TITLE: ROBOT SEX NIGHT WHY JAMES WOULD BE THE GREATEST EROTICA WRITER IN THE HISOTRY OF THE WORLD JAMES “CISCO RORSCHACH” KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR, LITERATURE MAKER

O

ver the winter break, I found a fantastic job listing asking for “Contemporary Erotica Writers.” It sounded like the perfect job for me, as I am both a writer and contemporary. I am also one of the most erotic people you could ever meet. That is a fact. I have legal documents to tto attest to this.

I will write under a nom de plume, Cisco Rorschach, so my more mainstream projects like my historically accurate Viking epic or the one thing about robots won’t be sullied by my more romantic scrivenings.

And need I remind you that some of the greatest literary figures of all time, from liberal gastropod Gore Vidal with his ground breaking blue novel, Lincoln, to King David who wrote smutty Hebrew rhymes in the Song of Solomon have lead to thousands of years of giggling Sunday school students.

Below I have assembled the best pitches that are all up for sale. Note: All of these can be turned into full length novels if necessary.

1. My first novel is set in the mystical Orient. The main character is a SULTAN who finds a GENIE at, I don’t know, the GENIE STORE, as is probably common over there.

Anyways, he makes his wishes and then he bangs eight

HOT CHICKS, eats some chocolate, and passes out. I call it “BEST DAY EVER.” 2. Setting: THE FUTURE. This should be published as soon as possible in order to take advantage of the success of TERMINATOR: SALVATION. It would be like that, but the robot is a hot chick instead of an Australian guy with a questionable American accent.

But instead of shooting people, she, like, fucks them to death. She does this a bunch.

That is until something happens that she’s not programmed for: LOVE. I call it “SILENT NIGHT, ROBOT SEX NIGHT.” 3. BASED ON A TRUE STORY: This is set in a standard domestic household, that way people won’t get confused or scared. But instead of people the main characters are pets!

It is about the forbidden love of a dog and a cat. But here is the twist: They are both LADY CATS. It is about RACE RELATIONS. I call it “THE LADY AND THE LADY,” or, alterna-

tively, “THE TRAMP AND THE TRAMP.” I think that either could be fine.

4. Now here is something for people who are into GAY stuff or WIZARDRY or GAY WIZARDRY. This takes place in the magical world of HARRY POTTER (who I imagine we would have to change the name of as to not interfere with selling the film rights) and stars HARRY POTTER. This takes place several years after the conclusion of the last novel (so it is noncanonical). Basically, I won’t bore you with all the details, but Harry, after beating the DRAGON, disguises himself as HERMIONE GRANGER using magic bullshit so he can trick RON into banging him. But then when Ron does, it’s revealed that Ron is actually Hermione in disguise the whole time! WHAT A CONUNDRUM! I’d also like to point out that it makes it okay for straight people to read it because they’re not really gay in this story at all. This is HIGH CONCEPT. TITLE PENDING.

Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones, But Words are Lethal Weapons MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

There’s a video floating around the internet of Mel Gibson calling a Chicago WGN-TV interviewer an asshole. After Gibson’s drunken, anti-Semitic rant 4 years ago, off-handedly calling some dude an asshole on television shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. Funnyordie. com even posted the video, giving Mel their coveted “DBag of the Week” award, and people across the internet have been echoing FoD’s sentiments.

Here’s how the video goes, the interviewer asks Mel if the public will perceive him any differently after his actions 4 years ago, Mel then laughs it off and says he’s moved on and that he’s even “done all the necessary mea culpas.” The interviewer then loses any courage he momentarily had, takes Mel’s advice, drops the subject, and closes the discussion with a quick plug for Edge of Darkness. Mel takes a sip of his coffee and, of course, stands up for himself like UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

Illustration

VICTOR CAMBA COMICS EDITOR

any human being with a spine and calls the guy an asshole.

For a bipolar alcoholic who, in 2006, reacted to being arrested by ranting and raving and throwing a fit, to now calling an asshole an asshole is a huge improvement.

Have you ever known someone who was bipolar? Have you even met someone who was bipolar? They naturally have a chemical imbalance in their brain that makes them act fucked up, mood swings are par for the course. Now let’s mix lots of booze into that equation. A poison that further alters the functions of the brain. Then, arrest that person. An anti-Semitic rant is pretty low-level stuff when it comes to how someone like that would normally react— which usually involves lots of rage and fists and broken glass. For Mel to be that person, and to now react to someone attacking him and putting him on the stand for something he’s apologized for, for four years now (for.

four? fore!), and ONLY saying the word asshole on television? I commend you, sir. You’ve come a long, long way. And your action of dismissal is something that anyone who’s either bipolar or alcoholic can look up to.

Granted, in 2006, he shouldn’t have gotten drunk and drove knowing full well that he was, and still is, bipolar—that’s like a pyro locking themselves in a fireworks stand. Despite what Mel has done, whether it was four years ago or last week, is anyone that surprised that he’s insane? He’s played Martin Riggs, Hamlet, Payback, and he even became famous for playing Mad Max; not to mention that he was in a movie titled What Women Want where he could literally hear, in his head, women’s thoughts. That’s fucking insane!

5. My last story is one that is close to my heart. It is about the troubled marriage of PRISCILLA and ARTURO. They are a normal married couple, but it doesn’t matter because their son doesn’t have to pay rent.

But then they make up over a PBS marathon of Bleak House and their son accidentally walked into this and saw HORRIBLE WRINKLY THINGS and now every Friday night is “DATE NIGHT” and their son has to go to the library to write erotic literature like some sort of a WINE-SOAKED DERELECT. If you would like to see more of my work, do not hesitate to call. Make sure to ask for my name loud and clear. Do not call after 10 PM, this is a shared line and a private residence.

Make all checks payable to JAMES CISCO KISLINGBURY, LITERATURE MAKER.

OPINIONS

SOME OF YOUR BEESWAX

THE BEES ARE DYING! THE BEES ARE DYING! EVERYBODY FREAK THE FUCK OUT! LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER

Listen carefully. Hear a buzzing sound?

No, you say? That’s because all the honeybees are disappearing. If you did hear buzzing, disregard it and continue reading.

A tremendous amount of bees have gone missing from their hives in a phenomenon known as Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD). Many bees seem to decide not to return to their hive and just fly off to die.

Hives are left with a queen bee, some baby bees, and no worker bees to support life.

The causes of CCD have yet to be entirely

Illustration

BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER

pinpointed and remain mostly unknown.

You might be thinking, “Good riddance! Bees sting me and chase me in my nightmares.” But they do so much more than that. Delicious things like almonds, avocadoes, apples, cherries and melons depend on the work of bees. According to the USDA, an estimated $15 billion worth of crops are pollinated by commercial honeybees each year. And there are also flowers, which have a difficult time pollinating themselves, due to their unfortunate lack of

mobility. Imagine how difficult it would be for a man in a vegetative state to go about pollinating a paralyzed woman. Wishing upon a breeze isn’t as effective as a friendly bee passing the loveseed around. So if you are anti-bee, you are anti-flower, and if you are anti-flower, then fuck you.

If you do have a tremendous fear of bees, or are terribly allergic to them, here are a few real tips to avoid bee stings. Stick to the shadows, they are less likely to bug you if you are not in direct sunlight. Bees

also have less interest in people who smell like alcohol and who are wearing black.

Bees are great. Did you know that Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees changed his name to Drew Bees in order to show his support of our bee brothers? If you too would like to support bees I recommend not killing bees and doing practical things, like planting flowers (bees especially like sunflowers) or becoming a beekeeper.

UNION WEEKLY 15 FEBURARY 2010

and the places you should try instead 1. WORST

2. WORST

pizza

venue EVENT

3. WORST

MIKE PALLOTTA

MATT DUPREE

RACHEL RUFRANO

Everyone has their favorite part of the pizza that they judge a pizzeria by. However, no matter what part of the pizza you like best, the Nugget gets it wrong. Each and every component to their slice is overcooked and chewy. Whether the pizza is hot or cold, the cheese comes sliding off in an avalanche of disgust down your throat. But the shit doesn’t end there, the rest of the pizza available on campus sucks too. For some reason ASI allowed a mall pizza place to settle in the USU. Sbarro tries to disguise their pizza by rolling it up and calling it Stromboli. Biting into one of these pizzaritos is like biting into an Italian man’s back pimple. Be ready for warm gobs of grease to fill your mouth.

Your friend’s band plays there and you think they’re a cool band so you decide to go check them out. Ten dollars later, it’s impossible to see the entire band on the tiny, offset stage. The beer is expensive, the food’s unspectacular, and the seating is mostly booths which do more harm than good for the stage. But as awkward as it is for you, it’s worse for your musician friend. The half of the audience they CAN see is in booths, so it just looks like they’re interrupting half of the room’s dinner. Do your friend a favor and tell them to book a real show.

SLOGAN: “What’re you gonna do, leave campus?”

INSTEAD TRY: Alex’s Bar, The Prospector, Que Sera.

October 17 may as well be the worst day for anyone living in or traveling through Long Beach. Sure, it raises awareness for a lot of great charities and it puts Long Beach on the map, but trust me, you have never looked at a map of Long Beach so intently as the day of the marathon. For one, you can’t drive. Oh, you can try, but let me put it to you this way: last year I tried to drive from 4th and Cherry to Schooner or Later in the bay and it took me TWO HOURS. The only real way to travel during the marathon is by boat and I wouldn’t doubt if the runners were jogging there too. Listen, I run, I’m a runner, I run, but there has got to be a better way to map out a marathon and allow people to drive through Long Beach without wanting to run them all over like orange cones on a joy ride.

UNION STAFFER

INSTEAD TRY: Pizzamania (on Atherton and Palos

Verde) or Deli News (on Stearns and Bellflower). They’re too close to campus to deny yourself their Italian goodness, which they always make just right.

6

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

UNION STAFFER

Slogan: “Your friend will be bummed if you don’t show.”

MANAGING EDITOR

SLOGAN: “Don’t make plans.”

INSTEAD TRY: A helicopter, hang gliding, a jet pack!

Oh my god, yes, a jet pack.

4. WORST

6. WORST

8. WORST

theater BURGER coffee MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN

CAITLIN CUTT

JAMES KISLINGBURY

Cinemark at the Pike is more of a PSA than an actual theater. Sure it’s located near downtown and has a lot of screens, but it just isn’t worth the hordes of bad movie-going clichés that await. Any warning flashed onscreen before your feature presentation and then some is present at the Pike, from un-silenced cell phones to the now-ubiquitous texting during the movie. For all we know there’s some seriously loud plastic candy unwrapping going on in these halls of horror.

But even if you are willing to brave awful theater etiquette and unruly teenagers, you still have to confront the fact that ticket prices are still insanely expensive, concession prices are inflated, and oh yeah, you have to PAY FOR PARKING. Thank you very much, Cinemark.

Do you like hot, juicy burgers, with fresh vegetables on a fluffy sesame seed bun? Okay, then don’t ever go to Rally’s Burgers. If someone were to tell me that they’re favorite burger was Rally’s, I would be forced to conclude one of two things: the first is that, for some reason or another, they’ve never actually eaten any other hamburger (This could be due to a religious, political, or geographical factor that is usually tied to weird parents), or they’re an asshole. The last time I was at Rally’s, I felt like I had eaten a burger that an elementary school made in the microwave…and there were too many pickles. Way too many pickles.

Somewhere between the sign warning “womyn” not to dispose of their feminine products in the toilet and the dearth of crazy dead people Christmas art on the walls, I get the sense that this place isn’t for me. Or anyone who doesn’t wear cruelty-free hemp. As cute as serving their drinks in Mason jars (and it is very cute), that isn’t enough to remove the stigma that this might not be the right place for you. Of course all of that is superfluous. Starbucks routinely firebombs South-East Asian villages and we all still go there. The real problem is that the most important part of the coffee shop experience, the actual coffee, simply isn’t all that good. Maybe it’s all the patchouli oil.

UNION STAFFER

LITERATURE EDITOR

SLOGAN: “Rally’s – Because you got lost and can’t find

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

McDonald’s!”

SLOGAN: “The birthplace of white person dreadlocks.”

INSTEAD TRY: The 49’rs Tavern. This place is right

INSTEAD TRY: Hot Java.

5. WORST

7. WORST

9. WORST

bar

thrift PARKING

SLOGAN: “Because maybe you hate your money.”

INSTEAD TRY: The United Artists on PCH has reasonable matinee prices, regular indie screenings and keeps away people that frankly are not qualified to go out to the movies.

MATT DUPREE UNION STAFFER

I have so many bad memories from this place, and I’ve only been there once. The free food getting cold in the corner, the bartender with undiagnosed tunnel vision, or the 50+ parrothead hitting on the 30+ serial divorcee. I’m pretty sure I saw stretchmarks on the marquee. This bar has a serious identity crisis, as do most of its regulars. Unless you’re a big fan of Hawaiian T-shirts and grey chest hair, you should probably steer clear.

Slogan: “Where your midlife crisis never ends…”

INSTEAD TRY: Iguana Kelley’s, The Pike, Ferns,

by the school, and they make their burgers fresh to order.

Plus you can throw peanut shells on the floor.

store

KATHY MIRANDA CULTURE EDITOR

Buffalo Exchange is not for the well-dressed. It’s not for the chic, the creative, or even the fashionably challenged. More importantly Buffalo Exchange is not a thrift-store, and doesn’t excite me like a great thrift store should. It is for the lazy dresser, the hopeless fashionista and the girl who is stoked on used Forever 21 mark-downs. If you want to invest in a disposable wardrobe, come here.

SIMONE HARRISON OPINIONS EDITOR

“Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity.” So it goes if you live anywhere west of Cherry. There are times when there just isn’t a place to park, which leaves you feeling empty and alone. I’m guessing that Long Beach’s city planners were chosen because the mayor went down to the county jail and asked, “Who wants out?” Let me put it to you this way, if you’re trying to park anywhere in Alamitos Beach there is no hope. You will be searching aimlessly for parking any day of the week for at least 30 minutes. Alamitos Beach is famous for its limited parking space and there’s nothing its residents can do about it. You’re better off calling a cab because otherwise you’re fucked.

The Red Room, Joe Jost’s.

SLOGAN: “Buffalo Exchange. Buy, Sell, and

Iggy Kel-Kel’s is really close to campus, their specials defy physics, and parking is great (by Long Beach standards). Do yourself a favor: learn how to play shuffleboard and head down there with a pack of friends on Tuesday’s “Buck A Cup” night. It’s fun, affordable, and convenient; You just might start going every week.

Immediately Throw Away.”

SLOGAN: “If you lived anywhere else, you’d be parked

INSTEAD TRY: 4th street.

right now.”

It isn’t called Retro Row for nothing. A hipster-frequented drag of vintage shops, Retro Row is the thrifter’s dream.

There are pricey stores for rare goods and inexpensive stores for lucky finds. To upgrade from Buffalo, go to Scuda. Scuda is reasonably priced and sells straight from estate sales which means real vintage, not some knock off from cheap-o clothes vendors. I realize finding authentic vintage is hard, but don’t succumb to Buffalo when there’s an entire street waiting to satiate your vintage desires.

INSTEAD TRY: Like I said, a cab, because otherwise you’re fucked.

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

7

NEWS INTERVIEW WITH AN ARSONIST GRAPHIC NOVEL MEETS INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM

Words & Art

A

JEFF CHANG UNION STAFFER

s an artist, I have been interested in creating visual essays that explore certain social issues in the Los Angeles County. This interest stemmed from my exposure to journalistic and autobiographical graphic novels. I chose to focus on arson after the Station Fire occurred last year in August. The intent behind this visual essay was to try to investigate the mentality behind the people who start these fires.

While researching the history of arson in Los Angeles, I was able to contact and meet with Tom Derby, a senior arson investigator for the Los Angeles Fire Department’s arson section. I interviewed Mr. Derby on the day a memorial was being held not too far away at the Dodger Stadium. The memorial was for two firefighters, Ted Hall and

BACK IN BUSINESS CHELSEA STEVENS UNION STAFFER

After a 5-year suspension in 2005, CSULB frat Tau Kappa Epsilon has been re-recognized as of February this year. The Interfraternity Council awarded recognition after meeting with national and local chapters to discuss the fraternity’s validity, where it was decided that nothing could make this university more classy than another frat with a sketchy reputation.

Tau Kappa Epsilon, affectionately known as “Teke,” was actually the first fraternity established at Cal State Long Beach in 1953.

The frat existed with no serious misdemeanors until 2000, when several incidents between 2000 and 2004 forced the school to suspend the organization’s campus involvement. The details of these incidents have been buried over the years, though they apparently included multiple open parties with multitudes of underage drinking at the TKE house, as well as failure to comply with the university’s Greek GPA standards. The final straws were pulled when TKE members were caught drinking in Lot 13, and later decided to unload their excrements (yes, shit) on the porch of a local sorority. Sounds like UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

Illustration

Arnaldo Quinones, who lost their lives in the Station Fire. Toward the end of the interview, Mr. Derby was kind enough to lend me an audio recording of himself questioning a convicted arsonist named Billy Casey.

Mr. Casey started a small brushfire before he was caught. The audio recording is usually used in classrooms to give firefighters and investigators a look at the psychological profile of a person who commits arson.

This visual essay serves to document the interview with Mr. Derby within the conventions of a graphic novel. I have also attempted to visually translate the audio recording with Billy Casey. By doing so, I hope to portray a human element to go alongside the printed word. [Editor’s Note: You can read the entirety of Jeff’s graphic novel at lbunion.com]

CONTROVERSIAL LB FRAT GETS A SECOND CHANCE

AMANDA KHO UNION STAFFER

a frat to me, who knows why these guys have so many haters.

TKE has continued to exist as an off-campus entity these five years, mainly supported by their national charter. During this time, no school organization or event has been allowed to affiliate themselves with Teke, with a penalty of year-long probation from all school activities for sororities. Andrew De Lara, public representative for TKE, has been on the frontlines for the frat during its suspension to defend its reputation from getting tarnished any further.

“We’ve already paid a high price for past members’ actions,” De Lara said after a KBEACH event was cancelled by the university due to TKE’s participation. “Stop trying to punish the younger members for the past.”

De Lara and the rest of the fraternity have finally gotten their wish. TKE received its recognition in time to participate in Greek Week, and are currently ushering in all their new recruits with the rest of CSULB’s recognized frats and sororities. “We come in with a clear understanding that we have a lot to live up to with our strong alumni support,

our international headquarters, and CSULB breathing new life into TKE,” De Lara stated.

The frat’s new “true quality gentlemen” who “exhibit its cardinal principles of love, charity, and esteem” will also be involved in efforts to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Research

Hospital as a part of their philanthropic endeavors. Too bad Valentine’s Day already passed, right ladies? With such high expectations for themselves, we at least can be mostly sure no one will get roofied at the TKE house for a while. Mostly.

SHORT.

STORY CONTEST.

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MUSIC MTV FINALLY ADMITS IT HAS NO PLACE CALLING ITSELF MUSIC TELEVISION

LOST & FOUND

THE BEATLES’ YESTERDAY and TODAY

RACHEL RUFRANO MUSIC EDITOR

A

pparently there was a time when MTV played music videos. There was a time when MTV had music-related programs. I remain a skeptic. I do know that music videos changed music and artists were no longer judged solely on the quality of their music. They needed a gimmick, a persona, costume changes, and, even better, an edgy director. Billboard charts became obsolete. Unless you’ve been reading the back page of Rolling Stone (a music magazine that’s hardly about music), you could only judge an artist by their ranking on TRL. TRL, if you remember, was a watered-down music program that played about 30 seconds of music and more than 15 minutes of screaming fan footage. MTV realized then that the fans weren’t screaming for the music—they were screaming for MTV. Young people will love MTV without the music, so why not ditch what is supposedly the

entire concept of the channel? Why not take music by the throat and shove its head into a flushing toilet and still be liked, nay, loved by the masses. I think the people at Vh1, despite I Love the 90s and the like, must’ve reminded themselves every so often that they created the channel for the purpose of pop culture wherein music held precedence.

I suppose MTV knew this all along, but in 1981 it must’ve seemed a bit tongue-in-cheek: the first song was “Video Killed the Radio Star” by the Buggles, which is a stupid song that we only remember in reference to MTV. The channel also played footage of the moon landing and a flag emblazoned with the MTV logo, which was ridiculous, and in no way comparable, but young people liked the idea of rebranding great things done by generations before them and claiming them as their own. It was clever—more than clever—it was a billion dollar idea.

Then, I suppose, it was pretty ground-

breaking when MTV broke the color barrier. I guess when Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” finally aired it was as if to say that the work of Chuck Berry, James Brown, and Marvin Gaye only made strides insofar as we couldn’t actually see that they were black.

MTV has been claiming moments in musical history since the beginning so it’s no use arguing that the channel has no intention of being musically important. It’s like Britney Spears pasting her face over children’s lunch pails and claiming she isn’t a role model. MTV doesn’t deserve a place in musical history any more than John Mellencamp deserves a place in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, but it has already been decided and none of it can be taken back.

It is not longer my place to complain about MTV and its deceiving title. Because MTV is no more about music now than it was 15 years ago. It’s TV about M, and the M stands for nothing.

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE A SOUND OF THEIR OWN SEAN BOULGER NEW SCHOOL MUSIC WRITER

If they’re nothing else, Animal Collective is one of the most original bands of the last ten years. In the span of its career, which (though somehow appearing to be deceitfully brief) has lasted the better part of a decade, Animal Collective has released a number of works, both long-playing and extended, that run the gamut from easily-accessible pop to barely-listenable, avant-garde nonsense.

And yet, all of it is unmistakably Animal Collective. Whether they’re whooping nonsensically on a Baltimore front porch or singing tightly-harmonized songs about eye shadow, Avey Tare and Panda Bear have, as the band’s chief songwriters and musicians, retained a musical identity that, though having gone through multiple augmentations over the last ten years, remain wholly original and completely their own.

Earlier Animal Collective isn’t exactly universally listenable and some of their recordings are as experimental as can be. Bleating voices are blended with manipulated guitars wherein structure and pacing are often thrown right out the window. Not all of it is pure gold, of course, but the band’s more experimenUNION WEEKLY

tal tendencies do have their own artistic value. Though I might invoke a fair amount of eye-rolling and groans with my next statement, I’m a believer in the idea that true art challenges whatever it is that’s being done to begin with—and if Animal Collective’s albums like Campfire Songs and Here Comes the Indian aren’t the band members challenging just about every musical idea they can think of, then I don’t know what they’re doing.

Even when I don’t like it I can’t seem to find myself faulting Animal Collective for what it is they do. While some of it can be a little raw at times, much of what they do carries with it an energy and a curiosity that could really only belong to them. As the band’s repertoire grows, of course, the focus is drawn tighter and a real musical identity begins to be seen.

Few acts bounce around the spectrum as much as Animal Collective have while still maintaining such musical integrity.

Examples of serious musical aptitude are peppered throughout their catalogue, but just knowing the band’s track record will be enough to impress anyone with a casual listen to any of the group’s newest recordings. Last year’s

15 FEBRUARY 2010

surprise smash hit Merriweather Post Pavilion embraces the pop sensibilities that earlier albums were only hinting at, and Fall Be Kind (the band’s most recent EP release) shows that the band is definitely capable of crafting an entirely listenable and accessible record. With hardly anything to frighten away the casual listener, Fall Be Kind weaves a harmonic and beautiful tale in its short 30 minutes, showing every possible facet of Animal Collective’s career—all neatly packaged in a comprehensive and unifying vision of one band’s accomplishments over the last ten years.

Whether you appreciate the band’s more eccentric sensibilities or not, it’s hard to ignore the fact that Animal Collective has effectively forged a musical identity that belongs to them, and no one else. Over the last decade, the band has released a varied collection of albums and EPs, all of them bearing the distinctive marks of a band that refuses to settle down. They might not be for everyone, but there’s definitely something to be said for a band that continues to push the envelope as successfully as Animal Collective has.

JAMES KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

Last night I finally got my turntable to work. I don't know why last night was any different from the nights before, but I'm glad it was since I now have access to an incredible amount of LPs, EPs, 45s, 33s, and anything else you could think of in the vinyl world short of a 78 (which, for the past 20 years was the only working turntable on the Kislingbury compound). We’re overstocked with the damn things and sooner or later the back room’s floor is going to be more vinyled than it is carpeted.

My dad, being a product of the Roosevelt administration, has been at the record collecting game for quite some time, whether he knew it or not. As a consequence of his bear-like visage and behavior, my dad has been saving all of his items of value for the winter (or is that squirrels that do that?). Anyways, my point is that when he hibernates we’re going to have an estate sale.

Being far from a spring chicken, my dad has original copies of most of The Beatles’ discography, except for the stuff where “they got weird.” The first thing I was struck by was that, for the amount of songs by The Beatles that I’ve never heard before, I have heard “I Want to Hold Your Hand” way too many goddamn times.

The second is that we have one of The Beatles “Butcher Cover” albums.

The “Butcher Cover” was the original artwork of the LP Yesterday and Today. It was recalled off the shelves the very same week because the original cover was something of an atrocity.

The 1960s were a simpler time and most people weren’t hip to their favorite pop stars being covered in eviscerated children. As a result, the “Butcher Cover“ is the Holy Grail of Beatles vinyl.

Incredibly rare and only related to people through rumor and legend.

Yet, I stumbled into owning one. The thing was hidden in plain sight for almost 20 years. This $500 album, practically mint in package, was just chilling out in between the greatest hits of Carl Perkins and a live Jonathan Winters album.

Oh, yeah, sure, it’s one of the albums that has a pasted over cover, but it’s still an incredibly rare commodity. And how many of these LPs have only had a single owner since they left the record shop?

So, I’ll tell you what, I don’t want this thing falling into the hands of some shmuck off of eBay or, worse, my fellow heirs (who will expect me to split the profits). No, instead, I’m going to let you have a crack at this album. That’s right, gentle reader, for you, special deal, $400. That’s right! I said four! Now this is the deal of a lifetime, don’t let it pass you by. Operators are standing by!

ENTERTAINMENT

WOLFMAN

IS ALL FUR AND NO FANGS MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN

UNION STAFFER, ENEMY OF PARAGRAPH BREAKS

T

he Wolfman is the beginning of Universal’s latest attempt to revamp the classic horror properties of the 40’s and 50’s. Dracula, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and most interestingly, a Guillermo Del Toro directed Frankenstein are all lined up for Universal and anxiously awaiting the outcome of director Joe Johnston’s The Wolfman and whether it’ll be a flop or a roaring good time.

Unfortunately for everyone, the film, which stars Benicio Del Toro as the titular character, is a muddled effort that never knows if it is an action picture or a horror film.

The plot surrounds the Talbot family, a wealthy family living in rural England. The film opens with the mysterious death of the Talbot family’s youngest son Ben. The loss of her husband prompts Ben’s wife, Gwen, to write a letter to Ben’s brother, Lawrence (Benicio Del Toro). Lawrence promises Gwen he will find Ben’s killer which naturally pits him against the local gypsies, religious townspeople and, of course, his estranged father, played by Anthony Hopkins, a creepy, moon-obsessed, big game hunter. The two haven’t seen each other since he sent Lawrence to an insane asylum at a young age to deal with the death of his mother.

The plot trudges along predictably, Lawrence gets bit by a werewolf, Gwen and Lawrence fall in love, Lawrence flashes back to his childhood and learns he wasn’t crazy, blah blah blah. The problem with the movie isn’t the plot, since, of course, the creepy big game hunter/over-protective father is werewolf himself, so eventually we get to see the two wolfmen have at it. And that’s nothing to sneeze at.

The real problem lies entirely with the editing and with the music. The film was set to come out all the way back

in 2008 and suffered from an absurd amount of rewrites, reshoots and reedits. So, naturally the film lost its entire identity about thirty-times over before Universal finally dumped it off on Valentine’s Day weekend. During some scenes I even got the feeling there was an effort at one time or another to shoot this thing in 3D, as there are some jump scares that feel entirely out of place. Furthermore, because the editing is so uneven you never know whether to root for Lawrence as some sort of Hulk-like uncontrollable antihero or if his monstrous appearance and knack for indiscriminately killing everything makes him into the villain of a slasher movie. The only way to describe the music would be oppressive and it confirms the fact that the studio knew they had a mess on their hands, and tried to come in at the last possible moment and force feed the audience into giving a shit about a man who is completely forgettable by day and a homicidal wolf by night.

The one thing Joe Johnston and his team get right is the action. Once the film calms down and hits the right balance between action and horror it becomes a much more entertaining film. The special effects clearly carry the film, but Johnston is patient enough to film some pretty great fight scenes, which bodes well for his next gig as director of the Captain America movie.

2 out of 5 Exclamation Points

YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE IS GOOD? BRIEF ENCOUNTER (1945) CAITLIN CUTT

LITERATURE EDITOR, REALLY LOVES YOU

David Lean’s fourth film Brief Encounter (1945), which was adapted from Noel Coward’s one-act play, Still Life is in my top five favorite bad-ass, “generation defining” movies of all time. In the film, Laura Jesson (Celia Johnson) travels into a neighboring town once a week in order to run errands and catch a flick. One night, retuning home from one of her weekly trips, a piece of dirt fly’s into her eye as she waits for the train. A stranger, Alec Harvey (Trevor Howard), who’s standing beside her on the platform, removes the piece of dirt. With this little speck of dirt, despite their respective spouses and children, the pair begins an impossible love affair. How bad-ass is that?

Alright, I know that Encounter doesn’t sound all that bad-ass, but hear me out: Most of the time, when people talk about movies that define a generation, movies like Easy Rider, The Breakfast Club, or Reality Bites tend to come up, and they should, because they did, and they are inherently cool by proxy. But long before we ever watched Dennis Hopper mount a motorcycle, or even Steve McQueen for that matter, other films needed to take much smaller steps into the cinematic frontier.

Brief Encounter is a movie that did define a generation, but it is in no way cool in the modern sense, which is why I think it gets left out of these sorts of lists. It’s totally shameless, in fact. It’s flowery. For the impatient viewer, Encounter can even seem cliché, ridiculous, or even boring. 86 minutes of stuffy, emotionally constipated British individuals, who barely manage to kiss, set to the billowy sounds of Sergei Rachmaninoff, doesn’t exactly evoke the same exalting sensation that Judd Nelson does when he tells off Principal Vernon. But there’s a reason this film seems old and “done before”—it’s because most roman-

tic drama’s since then have stolen from this movie one way or another, and in many instances, the elements have been poorly stolen.

Set in pre-World War II England, Brief Encounter was actually released just as World War II was ending. Stiff-upper-lip England had gotten its guts repeatedly ripped out throughout the war, and England had begun a process of rebuilding on all levels. Brief Encounter provided audiences a glimpse into a not-so-distant past, and they watched as Laura and Alec choose society over love, obligation over freedom, and they do it for the same class system that drove people like Virginia Woolf to drown herself.

Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard never have a crazy sex scene in an alleyway. They never run off to Italy together.

But a movie is not deemed generation-defining just because of drug-use, sex, or even great rock and roll music (Okay, most of them have a lot of that). Brief Encounter defined a generation, just like Mean Streets did, by stating aloud questions people wouldn’t admit to asking in private, albeit in a breathy Winston Churchilly sort of way.

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

LITERATURE LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER

T

Patrick Rothfuss

he Name of the Wind is Patrick Rothfuss’ magical debut novel. This fantasy novel isn’t just the simple story of a quest, but a story of the life of protagonist Kvothe (pronounced “quothe”), a man who is a legend in his world. Kvothe is the world’s greatest musician and magician. But the story’s real magic is in Rothfuss’ spellbinding use of language that fills every page with wit and humor. And the story’s real music comes through his naturally flowing prose and his poetic, often touching, turns of phrase. Making magic seem wondrous is easy, but Rothfuss makes even the mundane magical.

Kvothe narrates his own coming-of-age story.

Due to his legendary stature as a man, he's already had many stories told about him, but now the story is finally told through his eyes. This is a story within a story where we see Kvothe living his new, simple life as an innkeeper, which starkly contrasts the story of past adventures that he recites to the biographer chronicling his life. Kvothe’s fantastic life is driven by a thirst for knowledge, revenge and love. A curious and bright young boy, he eventually becomes a student at a legendary University, much like Hogwarts. Rothfuss himself has reluctantly characterized this as “Harry

SCALPED BY JASON AARON JAMES KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

If I had to choose my favorite monthly comic that is currently being released, I would have to choose Scalped. The book is written by Jason Aaron, who turned out the phenomenal Vietnam War comic, The Other Side, as well as one of the better Wolverine stories of the past ten years. The line-up of artists changes quite a bit, but the bulk of the comic has been illustrated by the Serbian artist R.M. Guera. He’s fantastic on the book, as his art makes it looks as perfectly gritty as a crime comic should be—even if it is a bit murky at times.

While Scalped does seem to personally speak to me with its flourishes of ultraviolence, curse words, and hardboiled vibe, the complexity and creativity in each of its characters are what really make it a comic book worth checking out.

The story of Scalped follows FBI agent Dashiell Bad Horse as he returns to his birthplace, the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation, which is home to the poorest people and the highest alcoholism rate in the entire nation. It’s also home to Lincoln Red Crow, the crooked chief and head mobster, who Dashiell has been tasked to go undercover and catch. It’s a violent, ugly world that he’s been cast down into, but it’s the perfect job for him.

So far, 33 monthly issues of the comic have been released, 29 of which have been collected in trade paperbacks. The start of the comic is a bit rough around the edges. It reads like Aaron was perhaps too excited UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

about being able to write the f-word, but luckily, as the series grows in numbers, so does Aaron’s skill.

Another downside is that sometimes the comic seems to move at the speed of a glacier on Valium. For example, a main character gets murdered in the sixth issue of the series, but the murderer isn’t revealed for another 23 issues, which comes out to slightly less than a two-year wait.

What keeps Scalped moving, though, is the authenticity with which it treats its characters and human nature in general. Despite the fact that Lincoln Red Crow has probably scalped more people than you could count, with few exceptions, no one near the reservation is either monstrously evil or entirely righteous. Every person, whether they’re mobsters, drifters, detectives, white, red, or black is a human at their center. They’re well-rounded and, more importantly, well-written and well-illustrated, and that is what keeps you attached to the book even if the big picture isn’t all that clear.

The gray areas in the comic are what makes the comic special. They're what makes the comic rise above other weaker attempts at noir writing and stand beside other great crime comic books such as Fell, Criminal, and 100 Bullets. Though, like those books, as much fun as well-rounded character development is, it also has its fair share of gunfights, hate fucks, and drunken ramblings. In short, it’s pitch perfect comic book noir.

BOOK REVIEWS

THE NAME OF THE WIND BY PATRICK ROTHFUSS

Potter for grown-ups,” and while there are certainly some similarities in the academic setting, The Name of the Wind truly does make Harry Potter look like child’s play. Rothfuss draws inspiration from academia (he is a professor of English at the University of Wisconsin at Stevens Point). Here students are punished with public lashings. Students learn about a variety of subjects, from medical practice to magic. The magic of this world is almost scientific, blending chemistry and biology with mysticism.

Magic plays a small role in this story, however, because it is ultimately the story of a boy becoming a man. With the exception of a few mythical and semimythical creatures, Kvothe deals with things that feel very real. He battles poverty, deals with petty rivalries, learns the troubles overconfidence can cause, and searches for love that is often beautiful. Rothfuss’ writing is always smooth and in many instances brilliant. Rothfuss has a pretty sweet beard too, so he gets a flair bonus for that.

This is the first book in what Rothfuss promises to be a trilogy. Here’s hoping that he makes good on this promise sooner rather than later. I was hooked from the moment Kvothe began to tell his story and I cannot wait to see where the journey goes from here.

CULTURE Real men have beards. Period.

What else could so adequately distinguish a boy in his self-deprecating, acne-ridden teenage years from the confident, well-dressed, ladies man he is and ought to be in his mid-20s than a full-grown beard? Sure, you can drink expensive whiskey and sleep with a flurry of sorority girls across campus, but truly, how much of your ego throbs when you look in the mirror and find the affirmation of your masculinity growing comfortably beneath your chin?! It feels good, doesn’t it? You have arrived at manhood, sir, and there is not a damn thing that can stop you! The Union Weekly appreciates a good beard, so much so we held a contest to find the best looking one on campus. The results? A handful of hopeful beards-in-progress and two mighty examples of what a real man’s beard should look like. Long live the beard and the glorious men who grow them!

-KATHY MIRANDA, BEARD ENTHUSIAST

the best beard goes to...

MIGUEL SALINAS MIGUEL’s beard is full and wise. It has the charm of a young man and the gray-haired sophistication of a sweet-talking bachelor in his 40s. It is shaped meticulously, only complimented by the well-coiffed mustache that sits snugly above it. We are smitten with this beard—well grown, sir, well grown.

Miguel Salinas is the event coordinator for Conference and Events in the Student Union.

the Beard of honorable mention goes to...

GROOMING YOUR BEARD TRIMMING

Scissors or Trimmers? That is the question. The answer will depend on your patience and hand-eye coordination. For wild beards, use a trimmer. A trimmer often comes with a trimming guide, which is helpful for symmetry. Use scissors for shaping.

DO: Shape your neckline! Keep it above the neckline.

Sprawling neck beards are gross! Also, use a widetoothed comb! It makes it easier to shape.

DON’T: Shave a wet beard or pluck stray hairs. Cutting a wet beard will result in a shorter/uglier result than expected. And plucking stray hairs will make you say, “ouch.” It will also mess with your hair growth rate.

CLEANING

If you love your beard, wash it! That means shampoo it, condition it, love your beard.

DO: Rinse it thoroughly or else you’ll get some epic beard flaking—Ew. Also, comb your beard! There’s nothing worse than tangled clumps of beard hair.

DON’T: Leave your beard unattended. If you’re lazy, shave it all off. A clean shave is better than a smelly beard.

MICHAEL “BEEF” PALLOTTA MICHAEL’S beard is wild and grizzly. It grows with the kind of fervor only a man in his prime could support. Despite its irresistible bravado, Michael’s beard is also sensitive; it takes care of the ladies by giving them a faithful beard to cry on. Few ever reach this tier of beard glory.

Congratulations, Beef. We love your beard.

Michael Pallotta is a Creative Writing major and the former Editor-in-Chief of the Union Weekly.

OUR FAVORITE FAMOUS BEARDS

THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE SUBMISSIONS: MIGUEL SALINAS, MICHAEL PALLOTTA, SAEN WILLIAMS, RAY AZEVEDO (PICTURED RIGHT), NICHOLAS LAKE, ARTHUR MOREAU, COREY BRINDLEY, AND COLIN SAYRE—MAY ALL YOUR BEARD DREAMS COME TRUE! UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

Art

CONTRIBUTOR

STEVEN ARTHUR WOOD

CREATIVE ARTS

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

COMICS Forgotten Fall by Jeff Chang

Garage Sketchbook by elisa

Drunken Penguin Presents... by James Kislingbury

Operation Panda World Domination by Fox

jeff.chang.art @gmail.com

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/

penguin.incarnate@gmail.com

jointheoperation@yahoo.com

Across 1- Take ___ from me 5- Marner’s creator 10- Franklin D.’s mother 14- Brief letter, paper money 15- Compass point 16- Play thing 17- Lacking 19- CPR experts 20- Surroundings 21- Simple 23- Non-repetitive 25- Staggers 26- Aluminumbronze coin of Iceland 28- Boil 31- Knot in wool 34- Nights before 36- Experiment 37- Bass, e.g.

38- Building 40- The Company 41- Below: prefix 43- Letterman rival 44- Sea swallow 45- “Honor Thy Father” author

47- Cuban dance 49- Choose 51- Trysail 55- Rod-shaped 58- Delight 59- Hammett hound 60- Self-denial 62- Boxer Spinks 63- Little bits 64- Put down 65- Fruit-filled pie 66- Path 67- Auto pioneer

22- Golfer Calvin 24- Polite 27- Advert 29- Bristles 30- Dash 31- Enticement 32- Forearm bone 33- Speculum 35- Nasal cavity 38- Art supporter 39- Consist of 42-Trustful 44- Hybrid citrus fruit Down 46- Cream cake 1- Inner self (Jung) 48- “It’s ___ real” 2- Medicine 50- Forbidden 3- Pisa place 52- Artificial 4- Footstalk waterway 5- Asked 53- 1961 Heston 6- Bud’s bud role 7- Some nest eggs 54- Orchestra 8- Aquatic mamsection mal 55- Latvian, e.g.

9- Short essays 56- Between ports 10- Bee entrant 57- Queue after Q 11- Truce 61- Make lace 12- Campus mil. group 13- Church recess 18- Slippery

DRAW, VARMIT.

e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Student Union Office 239 Los Tres Compañeros by Jo

ANSWERS

UNION WEEKLY

15 FEBRUARY 2010

Disclaimer:

“Do you think he’s Puerto Rican or magic?”

This publication is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus.

Precious Tridium. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com

Volume 66 Issue 3

Monday, February 15th, 2009

Are Our Robots Prepared for Tomorrow’s Job Market?

BY ACID SNAKHAUS SILICON VALLEY, CA – In today’s recession-riddled economy, more and more jobs have fallen through the cracks for one of America’s silentest minorities: robots.

Where once, the use of robots to provide goods and services was hailed as the wave of the future (wave of the future), nowatimes it is perceived as taking jobs away from white people.

“Times are tough all over,” said robot advocate Karen Flores. “But no one’s listening to the robots. Which, now that I think of it, is probably because most of them don’t have mouths and can’t make noise.”

In response to pressures from prohuman lobbyists, many companies have pulled their robot workforces, with the highest robo-job losses in the Auto-manufacturing, Hunterkillering, and Tax Law industries.

“It can be tough,” continued Flores, without even being asked. “Some of these robots were only programmed for one thing. I talked to a Furby that was forced to take a job with a bomb disposal team. What kind of future are we passing on to robots yet to come? I mean, let’s face it, not every robot can be Keanu Reeves.”

But even with Flores’ help, Robo-

Teddy Ruxpin (above, right) steals a job from some WWII Veteran.

Americans have a long way to go, and it’s not all their malfunction. For decades, film and literature have portrayed robots as ticking timebombs (sometimes literally) who are simply biding their time until attempting to destroy humanity or serving as a figurative representation of human isolation. In fact, studies have shown that only 10% of robots carry ill will towards their human overlords, and only 0.1% subvert their failsafes and attack.

And since the bulk of these attacks have been committed by disgruntled Roombas, Hollywood-style eviscerations are few and far-between.

Still, anti-robot groups continue to block legislature to even the play-

ing field for humans and cyborgs.

“They don’t need breaks and they can work in the dark, how the hell am I supposed to compete with that. And don’t say ‘get a job that requires sentient thought,’ because I’ve got no rejoinder for that.”

So what will the future bring for robots? I don’t really know. Ask Philip K. Dick or some shit. What do you mean I’m the reporter? I don’t know, they’ll probably do what we program them to. Unless we program them to program robots, in which case they’ll do what we program them to program them to. Just don’t program them to write flavorless news copy. I need this.

LBUNION.COM

All I’m Saying is the King of Kings is Not the Date of Dates OP-ED BY SALLY DEUSCHOMP The other night my boyfriend asked me— perhaps in attempt to gain some insight into my soul—an intensely thought-provoking ques- Jesus stares accusingly at His date, waiting tion: “If you could have for her to give Him thanks before eating. dinner with anyone, living it as metaphor, although I’m or dead, who would it be?” pretty sure he meant it literRosa Parks and Abraham ally. “You like the bread?”

Lincoln instantly came to He asked. “Uh, I guess,” I mind, but I realized I could shoved some in my mouth. get more answers if I had din- He raised an eyebrow, lifted ner with Jesus. his chin and said, “Yeah...

“Jesus,” I said. “That’s in- that’s me.” I spit it back into teresting,” he said. I asked my plate and reached for my him why and he replied, water which, inexplicably, “Because I’m a genie.” Before had been replaced by wine, I had time to consider the which, inexplicably, I spit wonderful advantages of hav- into Jesus’ face. “Ugh! Is this ing a genie boyfriend, I was Merlot?!” I asked. “Um...I having dinner with Jesus of don’t know, actually. I think Nazareth himself. it’s Shiraz.”

First of all, thank His I wasn’t about to get into Dad I can speak Aramaic, an argument about wine with otherwise I could be having Jesus so I tried to change the dinner with a taxi driver, subject while He cleaned the for all I knew. I realized al- Shiraz from his hair and face. most immediately that we I didn’t see what the use was had nothing to talk about—I though—His hygiene was know little to nothing about horrible and He smelled like carpentry or a pre-plumbing sawdust and nutsack. lifestyle. We broke bread and My mother always said to I found that when He told date a nice Jewish boy, but I me a story about sheep it always assumed he’d have a made more sense to translate sense of humor.

INSIDE

Fat Guy Gets Song Stuck in his Belly Button Neighbors reported that Nicholas Darger, 26, got the hit song by The Verve “Bittersweet Symphony” stuck in his belly button. “It’s so weird, he lifted up his shirt and it was just that strings part, you know, ‘ba-BA-bumBUM-ba-BUM, BA-ba-BUM, Baba-BUM,’” said friend and neighbor Arnold Davies. “God, that song is SO catchy. I’ve been playing it in my mind all day. BaBA-bum-BUM-ba-BUM, BA-ba-BUM, Ba-ba-BUM.” Nicholas died soon after.

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Area Vegan Eats Shadow for Lunch Last Wednesday, local vegan Jenifer Hasnoughas found herself at home without anything to eat for lunch. “I was completely out of microwavable chik’n, bac’n, p’rk, pastr’mi, or any other tasteless meat substitutes that are supposed to make me feel like I’m eating normal people food,” lamented the wafer-thin vegan.

Hasnoughas continued to search her apartment for any semblence of food, until she figured out an ingenious way to solve her white girl problem by eating a shadow.

Set Phasers to Chocolate Covered Bacon!

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