ISSUE 66.06 “Does anybody remember laughter?”
JOE BRYANT
-Robert Plant
Editor-in-Chief
RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor
JOE VERSUS
CLAY COOPER
LETTERS TO & FROM THE EDITOR
ANDY KNEIS
Managing Editor
S
oon after the semester began I looked down at the volume number of an issue I was reading and realized it was 66. Eventually, I reasoned, we would have a sixth issue. Hence what you hold in your hands—a 16-page pamphlet dedicated to the Lord of the Underworld himself. Issue 666. Before you start typing up that angry letter, just remember laughter. Now let’s take a look in the mailbag. I recently and gladly read the March 1st paper. While and after reading Rachel Rufrano’s article on professors I found myself nodding in agreement. I couldn’t help but think WOW, this person gets it. I love school, appreciate the opportunity to learn, and think academics are essential to growing as a person. Rachel was spot on when she wrote “but you can’t throw a textbook at someone and expect them to become bright young scholars”. Time and time again I come across a professor who actually loves to teach the subject matter, not just love the
UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
kevinob.union@gmail.com
CAITLIN CUTT
Literature Editor & PR
subject matter. I hope more than a few professors actually read or have read Rachel’s article, my hope is that they can adjust their teaching methods to make it more applicable and likable. You can’t give a student a book and expect them to learn something, we might memorize a thing or two but that doesn’t mean squat! Thanks to you CSULB, the Union Weekly, and Rachel Rufrano. Every time I pick up the paper I know I am in for a surprise, I am just glad that this one was pleasant. Thanks again! -Bahji Joseph Well, that’s just a breath of fresh air. Thank you, Bahji, for reading and for the kind words. Rachel’s pretty smart, right? Right. Let’s move on. Segue: Protesting is dumb. Name me one protest that has ever accomplished anything (besides pissing off other protesters and maybe making them leave). Vietnam? I think I do remember how those protests immedi-
H ROS OPES CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 A possession that you stole from its rightful owners in the past will be used to smother you in your sleep when Pluto makes its second rotation later this month. AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Lay off that perfume or aftershave, Aquarius, because that shit’s flammable AND toxic. You will discover this in the worst way possible on the 18th. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 Be wary of your new love interest. Slyly offer a foot massage to check for hooves. ARIES March 21-April 19 Punishment is spelled out for you in the stars this month. Add up every bad thing you’ve ever done, multiply it by a million, and that is the caliber of pain you will experience on the 30th. TAURUS April 20-May 20 Your rapidly receding hairline is actually a symptom of a terminal illness, and today will be your last. Goodbye forever, Kevin.
KEVIN O’BRIEN Sports Editor
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
ately stopped the war and it didn’t end up being ten years long. You’re right, that was pretty great. Oh wait. The protesting last week on campus? Dumb, plain and simple. Guess what? Didn’t do anything. All you did was skip class to protest the state mandating your teachers take furloughs and skip class. Granted, what you’re actually angry about are the budget cuts and fee hikes, the furloughs are just something you can cling to. And don’t lie, you love furloughs as much as I do. That’s why you skipped class. So you could have a cookout on the Friendship Walk. I’m not saying this isn’t a shitty situation we’re in, because it is. I just wish everyone would own up to wanting to skip class and eat a hot dog. Hail Satan. Who knows? Joe knows.
Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.
ELISE McCUTCHEN & ALEX HATTICK MOON EDITORS
GEMINI May 21-June 21 Geminis are generally known for being two-faced. This month, the moon in Pisces will make that literal. CANCER June 22-July 22 That bleach you used on your hair last month seeped into your skull and is slowly killing off all of your brain cells. No one has noticed your predicament, unfortunately, because you were always a little bit slow, so you will die not just painfully but also completely alone. LEO July 23-Aug 22 Satan has worked his magic and pulled some strings, all to give you your very own mane, Leo! The good news: beards are TOTALLY IN right now! The bad news: it will be made of poison spider webs that are on fire. VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 On the 13th, lock up that jumbo pack of Q-tips you recently bought. The moon in Scorpio suggests all 1,500 of
them may end up lodged in your various orifices otherwise. LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 Avoid having sex for the rest of this month. Satan has taken a liking to you and will use any opportunity to impregnate you with his devil spawn, whether or not you have a uterus. SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Your insatiable love of gossip and backstabbing has gotten you into trouble in the past, but the stars have a nice reward in mind for you. They’re going to lift that heavy soul that’s been weighing you down right out of ya! Lucky! SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 The already rapid growth of your body hair will reach an alarming pace with the rotation of Jupiter’s fifth moon. Cancel that camping trip you were planning for Spring Break, as the Sun’s presence in your sign suggests you may be mistaken for a small bear and shot repeatedly.
clay.union@gmail.com simone.union@gmail.com
News Director
JOE BRYANT
rachel.union@gmail.com
SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor
LIKE, THE ESTABLISHMENT, MAN
joeb.union@gmail.com
JAMES KISLINGBURY
Entertainment Editor & PR
RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR
CHRIS FABELA
Creative Arts Editor
andyk.union@gmail.com caitlincutt.union@gmail.com jamesk.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
VICTOR CAMBA
victorpc.union@gmail.com
KATHY MIRANDA
kathym.union@gmail.com
Comics Editor Culture Editor
SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor
bear.grun@gmail.com
CLAY COOPER
Art Director, Cover Design
ANDREW LEE
Photo Editor, Cover Photo
MIKE PALLOTTA
On-Campus Distribution
KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor
CAITLIN CUTT
Advertising Executive
caitlincutt.union@gmail.com
Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, ELISE McCUTCHEN, ALEX HATTICK, MICHAEL REVIS, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, JOHN YANG, KELSEY SHORT, MAY ZIMMERMAN, BRYAN MOLLER, JO JAMISON, FOLASHADE ALFORD, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, AMANDA KHO, GABRIEL FERREIRA, CHELSEA STEVENS, STEVEN ARTHUR WOOD, JEFF CHANG, LEO PORTUGAL, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, MARCO BELTRAN, JASMINE GAGNIER
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com
NEWS
PROFILE OF A CAMPUS STEREOTYPE CHELSEA STEVENS UNION STAFFER
Everyone’s stereotypical sorority girl includes lots of boobs and makeup and not a lot of brains. There’s no shortage of Greek girls on campus, with our seven active sororities recognized by the Panhellenic Council. The typical non-Greek may have minimal contact with the sisters of a sorority, and any brief experience with their tendency to look like they’re going to a Sports Illustrated photo shoot instead of class can give many students a particular idea about their personalities. Can they even hold an intelligent conversation, you ask? Does their vocabulary consist of more than like, totally, or duh? In some cases, in fact, it does. This week, I sat down with Shaunna Campbell, president of our campus’ Delta Zeta chapter. Though she’s a proud member of the Greek system, Campbell is fully aware of the less-thanpositive perception placed on most sorority girls. “There really is no stereotypical sorority girl,” she described. “People see the red cups, the Greek TV show, movies…they don’t see past it to the other stuff we do.” The sorority does indeed do quite a bit of philanthropic work. They participate in Greek Week, a week-long fundraiser promoting the One Heartland organization which raises money for children with HIV. The sorority also isn’t as unintelligent as many believe them to be, either. “Delta Zeta actually holds a higher GPA than the campus’ average female,” Campbell explained. Their on-campus events bring much attention to the sororities and fraternities, which promote many students to give the Greek way a try. I, for one, was quite surprised by the number of students involved in the Greek system. “For Greek Week we split into seven teams, and each team has about five organizations, so we have over 35 of them on campus,” Campbell explained. What on Earth would cause such multitudes of girls to join a sorority, if not simply for the parties and men? “At Long Beach, it’s such a commuter campus, I wanted to find a way to fit in,” Shaunna replied. “It’s so helpful to meet new people. . . If you join for the right reasons with the right heart, it’ll be for you.” Along with new friends, the connections and networking from alumni and other current members don’t hurt. “Someone at a job fair asked if I was a Delta Zeta, and it turned out that she was too and we had an instant connection. That could have been my future employer,” Campbell said. Though many women believe sororities are simply not for them, Campbell stressed there’s a place for everyone in the Greek system. “Give it a chance, it’s definitely worth it, even if you’re on the fence,” she commented. “Recruitment is kind of stressful, but its so much fun, and it’s definitely a life experience. You meet people you know you can sit down with and feel comfortable without it being forced.” As hard as it may seem, try giving a sorority girl a second chance next time you happen upon one. It seems they aren’t all half bad.
RALLY WITHOUT A CAUSE WHAT DO WE WANT? SOMETHING! WHY DO WE WANT IT? A REASON! ALEXANDRE RODALLEC
F
UNION STAFFER
or those few of you who missed it, last Thursday an estimated 2,500 students (I don’t think there were that many, but sure) gathered to protest the budget cuts and also for a better deal, which means “no more cuts,” in the new state budget, due out in May—unless, of course, if there is another record-breaking delay like last time around when it arrived in September. But lo and behold, the Governor’s proposed budget actually contains “a re-prioritization of funds away from administration and into the classroom, and away from pris-
ons and into our universities.” In detail, it proposes to bring things back to the way they were before the cuts. Isn’t that great? But then, what about the protest? What was it about? I saw a bunch of people with picket signs saying things like, “Fuck the cuts,” “Oh Hell No!,” and “Lay in the Cut” (okay, maybe not that last one), and it seemed like the mass of people—some of which were playing music, some running around in the fountain outside Brotman Hall, others chanting creative and notso-creative rhymes and protest chants
in the traditionally mass-hypnotizing style that is, it seems, endemic to these things—had no idea that there are no more cuts planned. Instead, as I quoted, everything is being fixed. Maybe the protest was a good way to show that, “Yeah, we don’t want any more cuts now that you’re planning to give us all the money back, yeah!” But, I could be wrong. Admittedly, I was somewhat surprised to see a turnout of the dubious estimation of 2,500 out of a student body of 38,000, which is an admirable 6.58%. It was more than I expected. Hope is alive.
A NEW MODEL FOR NEWS
NEWS IS MONEY IN INDIA ALEXANDRA SCIARRA UNION STAFFER
In June of 2008, the Associated Press published “A New Model for News,” the findings to a study conducted to understand how young people are consuming news. Anthropologists were sent to different parts of the world to investigate what the study refers to as the “deep structure” of news consumption or the underlying motivations behind why young people between the ages of 18 & 34 choose, or choose not to stay informed. For instance, news in India acts as social currency, encouraging young people to proactively follow current events to overcome certain social and economic barriers that affect them. One woman explained that staying up to date is key in keeping her on par with male colleagues. In contrast, participants in the United Kingdom were comparatively inactive in their pursuit of understanding news.The reasons for
apathy, the study finds, has to do with the way news is structured. Today, the 24/7 news environment is more detrimental than informative. On both television and online, constant facts and updates make it hard for people to get into any backstory. Most news consumption is above-thefold, or headline news, which is not designed to provide the reader with a full account unlike below-the-fold stories, which traditionally contain backstory and future-story in addition to facts and updates. Because of this, people are experiencing news fatigue, increasingly becoming fed up with clicking in circles through many fifty word briefs on the same story from different news sites, without gaining any substance. Getting the news is an oxymoron then, since most in-depth stories, AP has found, are reserved for crises. The move to online news consump-
tion is responsible for a growing trend of multitasking. News is often consumed in tandem with another activity, the most popular being checking one’s e-mail, which people do more often than not, when they’re bored. Television has also wearied audiences, constant promos and “up next” promises leave audiences indifferent. However, the study does offer hope. It applauded The Daily Show and The Colbert Report for creating a successful news platform, mixing both above and below-the-fold news stories with humor to make it palatable for a younger demographic. Finally, the study suggests that the online news needs all encompassing tags, giving readers multiple entry points to a story, while also providing the ability to cross reference material to other material, so as to give consumers of news a fighting chance to stay informed and stay awake. UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
OPINIONS
HOW WE WANT TO DIE Illustration
BRYAN WALTON UNION STAFFER
KEVIN O’BRIEN NEWS DIRECTOR
I have just finished defending the entirety of the Wu Tang Clan in Federal Court from a trumped up narcotics charge, can you say entrapment? So I’m walking down the court steps, Wu Tang is in tow, reporters are clamoring for photos and quotes. Then some punk with a shotgun comes out of the crowd and takes aim at Ghostface Killah. Immediately, I jump forward between the shooter and Ghostface. The sucker fires two shots BLAU, BLAU, both shells hit my chest, but not my face: I need my face for the open casket at the memorial service. So anyways, I’m down, metal all up in my heart. I’m bleeding out and Ghostface is holding me in his arms and he looks down and he says, “I’m going to write a rap about your ass.” Then I reply with my last breath “Ghostface… I’ve always loved you. I’m sorry about Napster.”
CAITLIN CUTT LITERATURE EDITOR
First of all, on my headstone I want it to say, “It was all very funny if you weren’t me.” Moving on, if I had my druthers, I would like to be strapped with dynamite, and fed to a Great White Shark. My last act on Earth will be to detonate the dynamite as I yell, “I love you all!” Look, There are lots of lame ways to die. Cancer? Lame. AIDS? Lame. Heart attack? Fuck off. I know a lot of people spend a lot of time worrying about death, but you shouldn’t worry because it’s going to happen no matter how it happens. Think of it this way: People have been dying for millions of years, and nothing’s gone wrong yet. Just worry about being cool enough so that when you die, you have access to things like Great White Sharks and dynamite.
UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER
The year: 2046. It’s August and it’s my 60th birthday. I’m tired of living in a future without flying cars, so I make one of my own out of an old ’23 Dodge Dodger—pure muscle. Jacked up on energy drinks and McFlurrys (now outlawed by our current Latino-Cyborg president), I start the car up and fly off. Problem is, it goes too high and I end up leaving the atmosphere. There’s a rumble beneath my seat, which I assume is a mix of the raw power of what I’ve built and the stress from hurtling off into space, turns out Earth is exploding. “Fuck.” I say it again, “Fuck.” Instead of being engulfed in flames or pounded by Earth-rocks, I’m thrusting faster into the depths of space. Crash landing on some rocky terrain, I’m greeted by large breasted blue women. They stare at my grey hair and battle scars (God, I think, the life I’ve lived…) and take me in as one of their own. I have sex with all of them and then kill myself.
SIMONE HARRISON OPINIONS EDITOR
Since childhood, I have been obsessed with the mafia, so it’s natural that my lifelong dream is to marry a mafia boss. I want the money, I want the crime, and I want the nails. So naturally, I want to die at the hands of my vengeful husband after I have sold him out to the feds. I’ll be fed up with his womanizing and him never being home because he’s out killing another innocent soul. I want to be the woman who brings his whole operation down. I’ll give dates, places and photo evidence only to come home to my husband waiting to murder me. He’ll be sitting in a high-backed chair, smoking a fine cigar when he’ll say, “So, baby, where have you been?” Then he’ll creep toward me menacingly and say something cliché, such as, “In about three minutes, you’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes.” And that ladies and gentlemen is the dream. No more, no less.
BRIAN NEWHARD UNION STAFFER
When I pass on, I’d like to go experiencing the most intense forces of the universe. Once a person crosses the event horizon of a black hole, the immense gravitational force will stretch their bodies beyond recognition almost instantaneously. If one were somehow to survive the devastating singularity however, infinite possibilities could await. According to some postulation, one’s consciousness could persist for eternity since time itself slows to a crawl inside a black hole. Also, the prospect of wormholes, which might lead to galaxies and dimensions unknown, is totally inspiring (2001 anyone?). However, the technology needed to achieve this death seems entirely infeasible in my lifetime. The closest black hole to Earth, V404 Cygni, is 7,800 light years away, meaning a spacecraft traveling at the speed of light (impossible under the standard laws of physics) wouldn’t reach a black hole for nearly 8 millennia.
JAMES KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
When I was asked, “How would you like to die?” my first thought was “Killed in a nuclear explosion on a carrier, saving the president’s (hot) daughter while battling the Chinese communists or maybe the Japanese or maybe Nazis of some kind,” but then I thought, “Nah!” Fuck dying. It seems like a pretty sketchy prospect. First off, I don’t know anyone that’s ever enjoyed dying and the people who are really into death (teenagers, goths, the Germans) are weirdos that I would never want to hang out with. Secondly, I don’t know anyone that’s returned from the dead and spoke good words about the process. They just lie still and get stinky and bloated and leave a stain on my couch. Not. A. Fan. So I’ve decided to kybosh the whole concept. I’m James Kislingbury and I’m never going to die.
OPINIONS
666 LIKE A HEART ATTACK HOW 666 BECAME THE MARK OF THE BEAST ALEXANDRA SCIARRA
Illustration
UNION STAFFER
Growing up, I had two babysitters. Their names were VH1 and MTV. As a seven-year-old, I had a pretty decent handle on the formula behind most metal bands’ rise and fall, thanks to Behind the Music. It never crossed my mind to think that bands like Poison might have sold their soul to the Devil to become famous, but the fog machines in their music videos did implicitly help me understand that all things metal were somehow satanic. Because of this, growing up I was conditioned to not really consider the so-called “dark side” bad or scary, and that their boss, Satan, was definitively a more fit and red Santa Clause. If you cornered me and asked me what Satan looked like, I would tell you that he probably looked like Nikki Sixx in red greasepaint. But here’s where it gets interesting: the Devil, in popular culture, is just kind of a lovable villain. In cartoons and the like, he poses no real harm, and thanks to the laws of formulaic story-telling, the “good”, whatever it might be, will always win over evil. Still, the definition of evil is “easy to spell and difficult to define,” (I just saw that quote on the chalkboard in the USU bathrooms, it was talking about love, but maybe it was an indicator from the dark lord to help me to write this). Take for example the number 666, or the “Mark of the Beast.” There’s a lot scholarly discussion about how it
JASMINE GAGNIER UNION STAFFER
is the Aramaic and numeric representation of the Roman emperor Nero, who prosecuted both Christians and Jews. The concept behind the number is still highly contested. 666 has a connotation of secularity, atheism, and sin, all of the tasty things us humans like to pander to. The number is also found in the Bible in Revelations 13:16-18, saying in effect that the name of the beast “calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666.” If the number is the fundamental number of man and if we understand that somehow God’s perfect number is 7, it can easily be said that man’s number represents human imperfection. This is where it gets difficult. Of course man is flawed, but this should not mean that, because of this, man is evil. Knowledge is pretty bad, and so is heavy metal music and weed. It’s really fun to get on a pedestal— everyone seems to love the view way too much to step down. While I am still on my pedestal though, let me say that we should be able to differentiate existing as human beings from having to live in a permanent state of fear and guilt. At the end of the day, though, if we recognize ourselves as imperfect while at the same time strive to be decent human beings, life will be alright.
SUBMISSIONS DUE NO LATER THAN 03.08.10 UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
SPORTS
Left: A player hovers in the air as he chants an evil incantation. The other players are like “oh shiiit!” which is a sin (swearing). Middle: Caspar Ware jumps up to try and get the ball. Not pictured: Satan. Right: There he is! Satan makes an appearance on my page. Very cool. Probably the best page in the newspaper.
BASKETBALL NARROWLY WINS 74-76, SATAN DEVIL SINS RIVERSIDE FELT THE WRATH OF SATAN AND HELL AND ALL THAT STUFF. SINFULLY BAD HEADLINES. KEVIN O’BRIEN NEWS DIRECTOR
L
ast Friday in the Pyramid, CSULB men’s basketball went up against the UC Riverside Highlanders. The 49ers took the lead early; Casper Ware #22 went in for a huge slam-dunk bringing the score to 14 to 4. The Highlanders come back and hit a three, Ware responded by sinking a three of his own to maintain the lead. That was the rhythm of the first half, the 49ers always maintained the lead. It was never by much and it was always evident that they were only just staying ahead. The second half was another story. With
Photos
JOHN YANG UNION STAFFER
the replacement of a few players, the Highlanders were faster, harder and more focused. It started off innocuously enough; the score was 39 to 26 in Long Beach’s favor. Lazdauskas #10 passed to Fleming #50 who put in a casual hook shot, 43 to 33. The Highlanders started to close the gap through a progressively faster and more disciplined game. When they needed to beat us to the ball, they did. When they needed to sink a shot, they did. Before the Long Beach fans knew what had happened, their comfortable lead be-
came uncomfortably close, 52 to 48 with only 10 minutes left. Luckily, TJ Robinson started to chain points together. He would go up for a two, make it, get fouled and then put two more shots up in freethrows. The more desperate the Highlanders got, the more fouls they made, and the more points the 49ers put up on the board. With a narrow lead, the 49ers snagged a rebound. Anderson #21 ran down court, passed to Ware who took a huge leap from the freethrow line over the taller players’ heads
and put in the game’s final point. With that spectacular play, the 49ers were able to secure the lead, 76-74. Long Beach State won, but it had to work for it; the Highlanders’ impressive comeback in the second half was not enough for them to take the lead away from the 49ers. [Editor’s Note: Although our News Director Kevin O’Brien is credited for writing this article, it is clear he was channeling Satan to compose this devilishly good piece! Time to go to Hell, see ya.]
THE DEVIL’S FAVORITE SPORTS WELL, PROBABLY. I’LL ASK HIM ONCE I MEET HIM (IN HELL). ALEXANDRA SCIARRA UNION STAFFER
If the Devil had to get behind one mainstream sport, it would be ice hockey, all those blades and toothless hooligans. H-E-double-hockey-sticks, man. Even the name and plot of a late-nineties family comedy alludes to this possibility. Made -for-TV movies aside, Satan would prefer a more obscure sport with a long history of gore and spectacle, like bullfighting. Besides the fact that the man probably loves Tapas, the Devil would be in his element in sunny Spain, wanting to watch every game, hoping that perhaps one day, his fellow horned beast-friend will win out over man. With a history dating back to the War of Reconquest in 711 AD, bullfighting originated when both the Christians and Moors organized hunting competitions when they weren’t killing each other. The Iberian bull, wanting to die fighting rather than fleeing, had been the most challenging to kill. Seeing this as an odd trait, a nobleman captured a few bulls to take them back to his hometown to recreate the spectacle in front of his loyal subjects. The sport was even banned by Pope Pius V in 1567, calling the sport a “cruel and base [spectacle] of the Devil.” Cardinal John Henry Newman also said that “there is something… so satanic in tormenting those who have never harmed us.” Need more proof that this is the Devil’s go-to game? Madonna made a sexy music video featuring the Spanish pastime for her song “Take a Bow.” UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER
I think we can all agree that athletes nowadays aren’t doing nearly enough killing. Back in the good old days, criminals, prisoners of war, and slaves would be thrown into arenas to battle to the death as gladiators. Those rejected for gladiatorial training would become noxii, people sent to the arena as a death sentence with no chance of survival. These brutal games were promoted and sponsored by Christian emperors. Just as Satan would approvingly watch from upon his throne in the depths of Hell, legions of people would gather to fill coliseums and amphitheatres, cheering and crying for bloodshed. Certainly all of these people are now happy little hellions, bathing in fire and brimstone, at the feet of the Prince of Darkness. We can all look forward to the year 2017, when prisoners will be given a choice to take part in The Running Man, a televised contest where prisoners run for their freedom while being pursued by murderous bounty hunters. But what’s Satan left with now? A New Jersey hockey team and American Gladiators? Pfft…that’s just dudes beating on each other with oversized Q-tips. Modern sports ought to be ashamed of themselves. Baseball? Lacrosse? Jai alai? Quidditch? You guys suck. [Editor’s Note: I suck. I’m the one that sucks.]
BRYAN MOLLER CONTRIBUTOR
From the people who predicted your demise in 2012 came Pok-A-Tok, a game filled with fun and blood. PokA–Tok, which sounds like a harmless kids game, is far from simple; it literally dealt with life or death. The game was played on a rectangular court with inward sloping walls and at the top of the walls were stone rings. The first team to make it through a ring wins, easy enough right? Wrong! The reason that the first team to make it through the ring won was because it was really difficult to get the ball through the ring, the players were supposed to make a 20inch rubber ball go through the ring without touching it with their hands or feet. To top it off, the captain of the losing team would be decapitated and sacrificed to the gods. Talk about motivation. These games would go on for long periods of time because no one wanted to lose and get their captain killed. Walt Whitman must have gotten his inspiration for “O Captain! My Captain! You’re decapitated” from the losers in this game. This game is fucked up, I can’t understand how people could even have wanted to play this thing. And to think that people were honored to play it, that’s just plain crazy and stupid, it’s some Devil’s playground type of stuff. I sure as hell wouldn’t have played this game…that is unless my master Lucifer told me to.
A HISTORY
MUSIC
OF
SATAN IN MUSIC words & collage
T
RACHEL RUFRANO MUSIC EDITOR
he problem with Satanic rock is that it isn’t identifiable with just a Satanic symbol on an album cover. Technically, if you are a Satanist, all music is Satanic. So, instead of giving you a history on Satanic music, which would probably be boring, I’ll brief you on the Satanic mythology in music. There will be a quiz.
PART I: THE DEVIL AND ROBERT JOHNSON There’s only one real place to start and that’s the beginning of recorded music as we know it: The blues. For most pastors and ministers of the South, gospel was the godly alternative. Whether or not the devil was in the blues is irrelevant because the church pointed its finger at the blues anyway. It glorified sex, drugs, drinking and violence and that was enough to create its Satanic mythology; the
greatest myth being delta blues musician Robert Johnson. He was the first domino in a long line of blues artists to set off rock ‘n’ roll, and the first to sell his soul. The story goes that he had little to no talent until he walked down to the crossroads by Dockery’s Plantation where he was met by the devil in disguise—a large black man who tuned his guitar and gave it
back to him. Johnson apparently had nightmares about the devil and you can hear that in songs like “Hellhound on my Trail.” His fear was real enough that he was buried in an unmarked grave. Real or not, you’ve probably heard of Robert Johnson, and I’d argue that his notoriety is due in part to the Satanic legend that precedes him.
PART II: SATAN BECOMES COOL The rock ‘n’ roll music of the fifties was, of course, a communist psych-op assault on Americans, but we did our best to get rid of it—we drafted Elvis, arrested Chuck Berry, blackballed Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard became a preacher, and we said “Bye Bye Miss American Pie” to Eddie Cochrane and Buddy Holly. But the devil was back in the sixties and he brought marijuana and psychedelic drugs with him. The more older people railed
against rock and roll, the cooler it became. Aleister Crowley was on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and The Rolling Stones came out with Her Satanic Majesty’s Request. Okay, maybe the Charles Manson thing wasn’t cool, but he was hardly a musician, especially when compared to The Beach Boys, so we don’t need to talk about him. Then came the sign of the horns—a two-fingered hand gesture so cool, that every musician of
the era was running to claim as their own. There’s Dio, who says he saw his Italian grandmother use it, Gene Simmons, who claims he got it from his childhood heroes SpiderMan and Doctor Strange. You can even see John Lennon doing it on the cover of Yellow Submarine. What’s interesting is that none of these musicians were really promoting Satanism so much as they were being shocking and unpredictable. And, well, cool.
UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
“CALL ME
LOU.” AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE NEW PRINCE OF DARKNESS
&
CAITLIN CUTT ANDREW LEE
LITERATURE EDITOR
PHOTO EDITOR
RACHEL RUFRANO MANAGING EDITOR
W
Photos
hat comes to mind when you think of Satan? Red horns? A pitchfork? Evil? Well, I bet you didn’t know that Satan lives in Pasadena. He likes sushi, and not even the spicy kind. He’s more of a “Philadelphia Roll” kind of guy. He has to wear his socks inside out because he can’t stand the seam, and as far as the smoke is concerned—you’ll never believe this—Satan has asthma. And the last place I’d expect to find him is in a beautiful mansion. I was greeted at the door by a jovial middle-aged Mexican woman named Yolanda who’s been Lucifer’s housekeeper for the last thirty years. As she lead me down a hallway adorned with taxidermy and antique slot machines, she educated me on the history of the five-story mansion, which I later found out was decorated in the same morbidly opulent fashion.
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Union Weekly: So the rumor around town is that you’re trying to rehaul your image. Lucifer: Yes. I feel like I’ve been misrepresented in the media and that if there ever were a time to show the world I’ve turned a new leaf, it’s now. UW: What sparked this change? Was it God? A traumatic experience, perhaps? L: Well, everybody likes a good comeback story, right? I’m still rooting for Britney Spears myself. But all kidding aside, I-I’m just ready to talk. UW: You know, for 2000 years you’ve been dubbed the bad boy of the metaphysical world. People call you the “Angel of Death.” L: See, now that’s not fair. I’m not Death. That’s like confusing Cheney with Bush. I may have made some mistakes, but it’s not me who’s going to bring about the apocalypse. That’s Death. If you have a bone to pick with anyone, it’s him. UW: You guys are really part of the same family, run with the same crowd, am I right? L: That’s my family, Rachel. It’s not me. UW: Then let’s talk about you. Were you ever evil or are you just misunderstood? L: Oh no, there were a lot of dark years there and I hurt a lot of people. UW: Come on now, Lucifer. Hurt a lot of people or damned them for eternity? L: I haven’t even figured out that whole “eternity” thing yet, so I can’t really comment on it. But seriously, I don’t know
the moment I changed, but I know the moment I recognized that I had changed. I was waiting outside an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a handle of tequila just waiting for a newbie to push off the wagon, which was an old pastime of mine, I’ll admit. But then this family walked by and…[he starts to tear up] the dad had his daughter on his shoulders. His wife was beautiful. I thought to myself, I have so much to give. And I thought, What am I doing with my life? I mean, I’m so lucky that I have Yolanda, but I think I’m ready for more. UW: Starting a family would be a really radical change. Do you really think you’re ready for something like that? L: No, I realized that before I can make anyone else happy, I must first be happy with myself. I’ve been having some “me” time.
‘‘
When I entered what Yolanda called the “parlor room,” Lucifer was perched in a leather chair with a bowl of Chunky Monkey in the middle of a Friends marathon. I couldn’t tell what was making me uncomfortable—the fact that I was about to have a conversation with Lucifer, that his ottoman was made from an elephant’s foot, or that Lucifer probably knew all the words to “Smelly Cat.”
‘‘
UW: “Me” time? What does that entail?
L: I’ve been embracing my more creative side. I’ve really been getting into photography lately. I know it’s a cop out, but I really love Ansel Adams. I’ve never been to Yosemite, but I’m taking some time off in July to go visit.
UW: You sound pretty confident in your transition, but I have a hard time believing you’re not fighting some urge to damn and destroy right now.
The urge [to damn and destroy] may always be there, but I’m a different man.
Lucifer in his gaming room, enjoying a fresh squozen screwdriver while thinking about the downfall of ancient Babylon.
L: The urge may always be there, but I’m a different man.
UW: So what you’re saying is that right now you’re not fighting an urge to make some deal for me to sell my soul? L: No, no, no. I don’t need that stuff anymore. I’m content with just one soul. What I have is an addiction. It’s a struggle, but I take it one day at a time. I haven’t bought a soul in over a month and that’s a big deal for me.
L: That must be very difficult to deal with, but you’re beautiful and intelligent, so no wonder you got this interview. Men can’t compete with that. Believe me, I would know. UW: Oh, Lucifer, please— L: Lou. Just call me Lou. UW: Lou. That’s sweet. Who knew you were so sweet?
UW: You don’t want the soul of a journalist who reaches millions all over the world?
L: That’s what I’ve been trying to say! People have me all wrong. It’s slander, muckraking. Yellow journalism. The kind of thing a journalist like you vehemently stands against.
L: I’ve only made one deal like that and I don’t think you can even count Ryan Seacrest as a journalist anymore.
UW: Wow. Well, I can say that I’ve seen the wonderful new side of—of Lou.
UW: If you were to make a deal with me, hypothetically of course, how would you go about doing that?
L: [laughs] Thank you so much Ms. Rufrano, but there are more wonderful sides to me that you—the world—has yet to see.
L: This is highly inappropriate. UW: You owe the public this information. How can we keep you in check unless we know what to look for? L: Okay, but I’m warning you, once you’ve seen the things I’ve seen, you can never go back. UW: No, I can take it. Do you know how many men in my department wanted this story? L: A lot, I’d imagine. UW: Yes, a lot. But I got the feature story. I got the interview.
UW: Really? Maybe we should arrange something. Another meeting, maybe? L: I’m free for the rest of the day and I’m here to give you, Ms. Rufrano, an exclusive sneak peek. UW: That sounds… wonderful.
[The editorial staff of the Union Weekly would like to congratulate Ms. Rufrano on her surprising new endeavor as Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair magazine.]
Lucifer talks about the importance of proper lawn care. His advice: “Don’t be a clod, choose the right sod!” UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
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ENTERTAINMENT THE MOST DISTURBING MOMENTS IN FILM SCENES INFLUENCED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF! MIKE PALLOTTA
UNION STAFFER, WANDERING KNIGHT
D
uring the Oscars, the Academy always creates a reel featuring past winners and current nominees that inspire and warm the heart with the possibilities of film. However, there are those moments on film that achieve the antithesis, showing the diabolical and disturbing side of humanity. That side that we attribute to having been the result of something evil. Whether or not you believe in the existence of the Devil, there are certain scenes on film that are jarring, indelibly affecting the viewer. So if there is a Satan—cartoonish or dapper—he definitely would’ve had a hand in the production of these movies and what ultimately makes them so fucked up. THE BRIDGE (2006) The Bridge actually shows footage of men and women falling to their deaths from the Golden Gate Bridge—the most popular place to commit suicide in the world. Sometimes people would catch the filmmakers by surprise, jumping without wasting much time, while others would hold onto the railing, contemplating their final act in life. What makes The Bridge all the
MARCO BELTRAN UNION STAFFER, ADVENTURER
more disturbing is that the moments leading up to each jump is intercut with footage of loved ones being interviewed, letting you get to know these people and understand their suffering, making the deaths all the more heart-wrenching. (MP) THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984) The Toxic Avenger is an all-around hilariously disturbing film, with scenes of dogs being shot and nerds being dunked in toxic waste. The most fucked of the fucked in Toxie is one scene in particular, where a group of teens drinking and driving around late at night play a game of hit and run. This game awards varying points to the driver depending on the race and age of the victim he hits. They then come up on some 10-year-old who was allowed to idiotically ride his bike alone at night, and hit him going full-speed. However, the kid’s not dead yet. As he weakly crawls across the pavement, the bad guys gain speed again and, in reverse, run over the kids head. This being a Troma movie, you see every second of the head-splattering kill. Shit’s fucked up. (MP)
NEKROMANTIK (1987) This movie has everything, chicks with hairy armpits, couples boning a corpse, and a guy smashing his cat, but the ending is epic, it’s a guy stabbing himself with a butcher knife while his penis vomits large amounts of semen and blood up each time the knife goes deeper. If that wasn’t fucked up enough, you’re simultaneously bombarded with images of a farmer skinning a rabbit, but in reverse so it’s like the farmer brought the rabbit back to life by giving it its skin back. (MB) MYSTERIOUS SKIN (2004) Two kids get abused by their baseball coach; one represses the event by convincing himself he was abducted, and the other becomes a prostitute. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character, the prostitute, is shoved into a shower by this trucker/deer hunter looking guy yelling “slut.” As he is falling down, little Joseph manages to
turn on the water and the trucker guy beats the shit out of Joseph Gordon-Levitt with a bottle of what looks to be baby shampoo. The trucker guy proceeds to fuck Joseph until he’s unconscious and tosses him out like a used condom. (MB) CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980) The whole film is based around this documentary crew trying to film some cannibalism in the act, but, naturally, shit goes horribly wrong. Cannibal Holocaust was presented as if it were the reels of a documentary that was never finished because these people were killed, but it is a treat if you ever find it. For those that are disgusted by animal cruelty, this is your movie. The actors go around just stabbing and beating the shit out of anything with legs like spiders, pigs, monkeys, and snakes. The film crew drags a turtle out of a river, decapitates and dismembers it, and cook its gooey, meaty insides. I never imagined that turtles looked like tapioca pudding inside. If turtles could scream, it would probably happen when they get their shells ripped off, and that’s what you get with this movie. (MB)
ALICE IN WONDERLAND FINALLY! JOHNNY DEPP IN A WEIRD HAT! MICHAEL REVIS
CONTRIBUTOR, PUNCTUAL PONTIFICATOR
Originally I was going to title this review “More like Alice in Blunderland,” and I appologize for that. I’ll punch myself in the crotch later as penance. However, this is pretty much what you get from Tim Burton’s sequel to Disney’s Alice in Wonderland. The movie itself is largely reminiscent of Tim Burton’s own directing style: dark colors, creepy backdrops, and generally darker themes. These ideas are essentially forced onto a children’s story, which just makes it end up looking like a horrible mess. The elements of the source material are present, but it’s really hard to make a connection to it. The characters may speak in familiar manners, but for the most part they’re really distorted in order to fulfill Burton’s fetish for unnecessarily spooky material, both in UNION WEEKLY
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personality, and in appearances, such as the Mad Hatter’s crack addict look. The plot is also very boring and predictable. Not only do you get the ending presented to you right at the beginning of the movie, it also forces a cliché amnesia setup for Alice, in which she can’t remember a thing about Wonderland, yet everyone else is able to recognize her like she was Queen Elizabeth. The story then proceeds to go through the “make your own decisions” approach that’s been done a dozen times before, while also making her into the “destined champion” type for some odd reason, other than the need to fill up some space with a sloppily tacked on combat scene. There are some positives to the film, but they’re few and far between. The acting, for example, is fairly decent, though this is largely
due to the usual suspects that appear in Burton’s films, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Everyone knows that the two are talented actors. We don’t need to be reminded of that every time. Let some other people get the spotlight once in a while, huh? Other aspects of the films tend to make things even more confusing and out of place, such as Alice’s constant belief that the entire story is a dream (despite being pinched, having her foot stabbed, getting clawed, and generally tossed around like a rag doll), and the Mad Hatter somehow being adept at using a sword. Some people may disagree with the latter part, but seeing a borderline insane individual swinging a bastard sword around like it came naturally just doesn’t seem… well, natural.
The conclusion at this point is really that Tim Burton simply needs to be able to branch his movie material out more, instead of trying to cater to the Hot Topic crowds. It would probably also do him good to take a break from filmmaking for a few years, at least until he admits that he cannot, in fact, shit out a good movie whenever he wants. Oh, and don’t bother with the whole IMAX 3D bit. It’s way too distracting, and there aren’t many scenes where the 3D really has an effect on your movie watching experience.
2 out of 5 Exclamation Points
LIBER DÆMONICA
SUMMONING YOUR FIRST DEMON H
ey there, junior acolytes! So, you’ve decided to engage in the ancient and atavistic art of demon summoning? Well, you’ve come to the right place. The Union Weekly has been summoning entities from the abyss since before you were even a look of abject fear in your father’s eye. Demons can aid you in everything from cheating on your taxes to making that girl at the yogurt shop who gave you the wrong number on purpose to make you feel like an idiot pay! Whatever the case is, the sky is the limit! Unless God is actually up there, in which case, He’s gonna be pissed!
JAMES KISLINGBURY
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR, CHILD OF GOD
1. CHANGE YOUR LOOK!
The first move of a nascent practitioner of the dark arts is to change your look. Toss those polo shirts and clerical robes in the garbage, you won’t be needing them in the exciting tomorrow of devil worship! Grow a goatee! Get questionable tattoos on your neck! Drive a motorcycle! Wear lots of weird, vaguely oriental jewelry! Drink Miller High Life! Just as long as you look like a three-way collision between a Russian Orthodox priest, a postapocalypitic biker, and a Morlock, you’re set to draw monsters from the underworld!
2. SELECT THE RIGHT LITERATURE!
4. FIND THE RIGHT ANIMAL TO SACRIFICE!
Let’s face the facts: No demon wants a realm filled with crappy sacrifices. Like anything else in the universe, they want their homes to be full of really cool shit. So, instead of sacrificing your broke-ass Doberman with back problems, try sacrificing a puppy. Or a kitty. Maybe even a pot belly pig. The cuter the better. Try dressing up your sacrifice with a funny hat or an ironic t-shirt (our favorite is the duck saying “I’m the boss!”). So, remember, a little less blobfish and a little more hamsters with hats! Animal sacrifice is a lost art, so help bring it back by doing it right!
Many beginning sorcerers go for the obvious books on the dark arts like the Necronomicon, the Chronicle of the Yellow King, or The Fountainhead, but you should stick to the more basic books at this point in your career. Instead of buying a book bound with human flesh and written with blood, just buy Diabolry for Dummies. It’ll teach you everything, from how to perform a séance to changing blood into delicious sherbet! You’ll make a few bucks talking to dead people, plus you’ll be the belle of the next black sabbath you go to!
3. CHOOSE THE RIGHT DEMON!
There’re literally thousands of monstrosities inhabiting the horrific reaches of the outer dark, so finding the right demon for you is direly important! You don’t want to be an anorexic, baby-blood addict who binds Nurgle, Lord of Gluttony and Decay to his service, do you? That would be wacky! Sitcom wacky! For example, these two unholy celebrities would be a dream for a beginning summoner! PAZUZU One of the greatest, all-star demons in history. As the god of Isuzus and of unnecessary sequels. So, he’s not only responsible for derailing John Boorman’s career into the sad parody of itself that it once was, but he is also the patron anti-saint of affordable Asian automobiles. Good for him.
5. MAKE BIG BUCKS!
That should be enough to send you well on your way to becoming a rich and successful conjurer of incubi. Of course, there’s some obvious downsides to becoming a full-blown wizard, like having to listen to more black metal than you might like or having to move out of your mom’s house or being constantly burned by holy water (it is a bigger problem than you might believe). You also might lose your soul in an incident that may or may not involve music. But that’s piddly crap, really. Just as long as you can get those blood stains out of the carpet, the world is yours to shape! (Just as long as you have the right spells or some Simple Green.)
EXPIRES 2/28
KTULU Although assailed by copyright lawyers and antiSemetic dwarves, Ktulu has really made a comeback in the latter half of the 20th century. As Lord of Death Metal and Harbinger of Uncooked Seafood, Ktulu is a major player in the lives of countless ugly teenagers and Nordic countries. He’s bigger than lingonberries! UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
LITERATURE
SATAN, ACTUALLY THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SATAN CAITLIN CUTT
Illustration
LITERATURE EDITOR
D
id you know the real Santa is from Turkey? Fact. See, as a writer, I like to point out all the stuff people think they know a lot about but really don’t. Hey, another figure people think they know all about is Satan. But just Like Santa Claus, Satan is an enigmatic figure of many names and faces. They also both make small children cry when they ar-
JASMINE GAGNIER UNION STAFFER
rive in person. No, I’m not saying that Satan’s “just misunderstood.” He’s the worst. But if you think about it, Satan is kind of the best of the worst. Therefore, in the unholy spirit of our Satan issue, here is a little-known, or widely misunderstood body of Satanic facts. It’s a hell of a thing. (I’m the editor of this page and I am going to keep that bad joke, no matter how bad it is.)
SATAN-CLATURE You know when really annoying people, who can’t think of anything to say, talk about how the Eskimo’s have a zillion words for snow because it’s everywhere? Well, Christians are like that with Satan… sort of. First, there’s just Satan. He made his debut in the book of Job, where God makes a deal with Satan, betting him that the honorable Job will remain faithful to God, no matter what Satan does to Job (I bet you thought the first deal with the Devil was in Bedazzled, right?). But no matter how much Satan messes with his life, Satan loses the bet, and after that he disappears from the book, due to the fact that Satan is a really sore loser. Lucifer, who’s derived from the “fallen son of dawn” (Isaiah 14:12), who’s identified with the “accuser” who makes many appearances in the Old Testament. While the word “lucifer” appears in 2 Peter, it’s not used in reference to the Devil. Somewhere along the
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line though, since the New Testament, the Latin word Lucifer has been used as a sort of evil nickname. Then there’s Beelzebub, which is a name with a very complicated history. In a “Christian” context, this could have been derived from a Philistine god “Ba’al.” (In 1 Kings, the priests of Ba’al are mentioned a few times.) However, “Baal” is found in many Semetic cultures, and “Zebub” is either the name of an actual place, which historians have yet to locate, or a prince. It’s thought that, in an effort to make fun of the god of their enemy, the Chosen People turned the name into a really, really, great pun: Ba’al Zebub. Get it? Well, if you knew Hebrew it would be hilarious. In Hebrew “zebub” is the collective noun for “flies”…Lord of the Flies? Anyway, as the years went on, early demonologists and Christians began to use the name interchangeably with the Devil, or high-ranking demons.
WHAT THE DEVIL? Now that you’ve taken time to really get familiar with Satan and his many faces (really, why did you do that?) and you feel like you got it, let me confuse you more: None of the images you associate with Satan actually came from the Bible, unless you think he looks like an angel. If you were wondering where the whole “horns” thing came from, feel free to saddle that one on Dante. His description of the Evil one in The Divine Comedy, which pulled from countless deities and daemons around the world, inspired the iconic images that have persisted through time, freaking out people for centuries. Also, “Satan” does not make an appear-
ance in Genesis. In fact, he’s never directly mentioned until Job (which, to be fair, is one of the oldest books in The Bible). The being that persuades Eve to eat the fruit (it’s not called an apple, either) is a serpent. If you want, you can blame John Milton for making you think otherwise. He dramatized the great Fall of Man, giving Satan a really kick-ass backstory in his masterpiece, Paradise Lost, which provided “motivation” for Satan to transform into a snake and take down man. Apparently “because” wasn’t really cutting it. You can also blame Milton for basically making women the cause of all men’s problems. Special.
OCCULTURE THE SYMBOLS OF SATAN “Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!” -Anton LaVey, The Satanic Bible
666
The Number of the Beast //
According to the book of Revelations, 666 is “the number of a man,” associated with a beast. It is the most popular symbol for the Antichrist, the Devil. Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the phobia of the actual number 666 and its connotations. (More 666 on Opinions, Pg. 5)
The Satanic Cross //
This is a variation of the alchemical symbol for Sulfur, that represents fire & brimstone. It can be represented as identity. The sideways 8 symbol can also symbolize infinity.
Sigil of Baphomet //
As the official symbol of the Church of Satan, the five-pointed upsidedown pentagram is the symbol of Satan. It also represents rebellion and where angels are said to fall. The goat face represents carnality and lust, and also mocks the Christian sacrifice of the lamb. The Hebrew letters around the symbol spell “leviathan.” Each of these concepts symbolize the powerful nature of man and the inversion of natural order.
St. Peter’s Cross //
Originally, St. Peter’s Cross was not affiliated with Satanic Beliefs. The inverted cross is to show St. Peter’s request to be crucified upside down. Satanists sometimes use it to represent the opposite of Christianity. It is now used to represent the Antichrist.
All satanic symbols pertain to the soul. Though a lot of satanic imagery tends to lean toward the demonic, Satanist symbols at their core are meant to represent man’s inherent nature. According to the Church of Satan, “Satans do not believe in the supernatural, in neither God nor the Devil. To the Satanist, he is his own God. Satan is the symbol of man living as his prideful, carnal nature dictates.” While different satanic groups also view Satan as a powerful supernatural deity, most satanic symbols still promote the same meaning, the truth which illuminates the existence of a balancing dark force in nature and man. In other words, contrary to popular belief, Satan is rad. \\ Kathy Miranda, Mistress of Satan
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT NECROPHILIA BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK Marco Beltran It’s Friday/Saturday night. You’re date-less and watching Twilight with your younger sibling, for the fifteenth time, while eating leftover chocolates from Valentine’s day. Sexy, teenage vampires kissing humans gets you thinking of how you wish you had your own little vampire to spend some quality time with. Close your eyes and imagine your lips pressed against your vampire, cold, sweet, and soft like the skin on a chilled peach, and you’re immersed into an erotic fantasy of you and your sweet vampire. You’re in a graveyard, lying on the tomb of a guy that died from polio in 1902 while your vampire sexes you up in a way that only happens in your dreams. You reach up to touch his or her face with the back of your hand and you notice a drop of blood creeping down from behind their ear. Slowly their skin starts falling off until there is nothing left but patches of skin on a limp corpse. I hate to break it to you, but you just committed necrophilia
and desecrated some poor slob’s grave. Maybe if this were Illinois, Kansas, Wisconsin, Louisiana, New Mexico, North Carolina, Oklahoma, or Vermont—states where there are no laws condemning necrophilia—it would be fine, but it’s illegal in California. It is an interesting concept to think about and it appears frequently throughout history, literature and movies, but it leaves lots of questions about the whole process. What kind of person has sex with a dead body? Do you have sex with it in the graveyard or do you take it home and dress it up? How does one go about having sex with a dead body? How do girls have sex with dead guys? Is it hard to have sex with the living after or can one only get aroused by the dead? I dove into this lifestyle, immersed myself in images of sexuality and death in an attempt to desensitize my mind, so as to make it more appealing to my sexual preferences. I drove down to a graveyard in New Mexico to find someone that could offer helpful tips for first-timers or curious readers.
There I met Gus, a local with a crooked smile, shovel in hand and a bag in the other, and the pieces fell together. Proudly, Gus told me that a big issue he had while positioning the body for coitus was the rigor mortis, the stiffing of the body that occurs upon death. The best way to combat it, according to Gus, is to rub Icy Hot on the stiff areas, and “some on your privates for fun.” Also, bring lots of rubbing alcohol, or regular alcohol, to sanitize the body. Some of the bodies get dirty while being exhumed and the alcohol helps to kill the smell of rotting flesh. “Above all,” he yelled in my direction as he walked off into the forest dragging a large trash bag, “don’t kiss it! I got a bad cold sore from one of these beauties, so I don’t recommended it. Especially with the guys.” If you’re ever lonely on a Friday or Saturday night and live near a graveyard with an abundance of corpses just begging for some sweet, sweet loving, remember, herpes is forever.
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CREATIVE ARTS
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Art
STEVEN ARTHUR WOOD CONTRIBUTOR
COMICS The Devil Wears Pink by Wolf Vs. Bear
Drunken Penguin Presents by James Kislingbury
Garage Sketchbook by elisa
Satan Says by The Beast
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
penguin.incarnate@gmail.com
http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/
Across 1- Barbecue fare 5- Soft cheese 9- Benefit 14- D-Day beach 15- Kiln for drying hops 16- Seventh sign of the zodiac 17- Prince of India 19- Supports 20- Drivel 21- Indian exercise method 23- Concorde, e.g. 24- Cedes 26- Lacking 28- Bridget Fonda, to Jane 30- Festival 34- Ed.’s pile 37- Dejected 39- Elevator man 41- Code-breaking org. 42- Ambience 43- Pertaining to a beetle 48- Obtain, slangily 49- Flightless parrot of New Zealand 50- Taboos 52- Currency unit in Western Samoa 54- Knobbed 57- Computer key
60- Centers of activity 62- Crude native borax 64- Hindu religious teacher 66- “Annie” setting 68- It’s a wrap 69- Anger 70- Zeno’s home 71- ___ nous 72- At hand 73- Sea swallow
25- Smell 27- Actress Ward 29- Ruhr city 31- Garden pest 32- Actress Hatcher 33- Med school subj. 34- Deride 35- Portico 36- Worm fiber 38- Fortune-telling cards 40- Chair 44- Like a milky Down gem 1- Jamaican ex45- Game played ports on horseback 2- Pisa place 46- One more 3- Religion 47- Water wheel founded in Iran 51- Poem of 4- Closely trimmed 14 lines 5- Lodger 53- Nut of an oak 6- British rule in 55- Climb India 56- Enthusiastic 7- Brit’s exclama- 57- “___ quam tion videri” (North 8- Group character Carolina’s motto) 9- Republic in S 58- Stately aquatic Europe bird 10- By way of 59- Wagon 11- Basics 61- Dies ___ 12- Bothers 63- Incline 13- Endure 65- Damage 18- Museum piece 67- Links org. 22- Iron hook with a handle
Hell is other pee-holes? e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Student Union Office 239
ANSWERS
UNION WEEKLY
8 MARCH 2010
Disclaimer:
This publication is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Hail Satan! Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com
“Let’s touch our butts together and fart!”
Volume 66 Issue 6
Monday, March 8th, 2010
Letter from the Editor BY SOPHISTICATED BEAR
Praise Satan! Anywho, as you may have known, the Grunion had a basement that we used as our base of operations for everything from masturbation to writing satire to writing satire about masturbation. Satan, did we love that place. Thanks to all the rain we’ve had lately, the basement flooded and the staff and I were left down in the dumps, looking to rent another basement. It got pretty bad for a while there. The Frothy Sea almost drowned Jeff Bridges, Actor in his excess froth in a fit of sexually repressed tandem bicycling. Dark times. Since there aren’t too many basements available around here, us Grunny kids were forced to take shelter in a locale others would shun: the basement of a Satanic Church. Before converting to Satanism, I dabbled in other
“religions.” For 10 months I was a Christian Scientist. At the time, I thought it meant that I believed Jesus was a scientist and with the help of beakers and chemicals and such he was able to create all of his “miracles.” Then I found out that it actually meant I couldn’t drink and had to pray my cankles and syphilis away. Plus, it was invented by a woman! WHAT!? Soon after I dallied around with Scientology, Tarot Cards, Baseball Cards, and Judaism—all ridiculous in their own ways. I eventually landed here! With Satan! Fuck yeah! BLOOD TOAST! As acolytes of Satan, we fully endorse and engage in all manner of taboo acts. Ritual sacrifice? Check. Pinewood derbies? Check. Gordon Lightfoot listening parties? Double-check. I was skeptical about this whole Satan thing at first, but I’m also prone to peer pressure and blood. So really, it was a match made in Heav—dammit, Hell. A match made in Hell.
LBUNION.COM
Mission Statement: The Grunion Praises Satan in All His Glory BY OCTOPUS GIRL
Since its inception in 1994, The Sons of the Shelled Inferno have dedicated their lives to serve and venerate the Great Lord of the flaming abyss, Satan, to the fullest extent of our mortal shells and hate for Native Americans, Jesus, and Mark Ruffalo. We aim to build a world in the image of our Great Lord, for only he knows what is best for the inhabitants of the terrestrial plane. We venerate our Lord in the following ways every weekday and every sixth day by: Borrowing books form the library and, instead of returning them on time and paying the fees, returning them to the shelves, tip-toeing silently; saying, “Hate God, Praise Satan” after every six hundred and sixty-sixth sentence and breath; rubbing our semen onto door knobs and water fountains; taking all the twisty, bendy tie-things from the supermarket; placing fruits in front of really fat chicks while they eat their food at any In-N-Out—the most Satanic of all fast food chains; piss in sinks; write dark poetry; and lis-
ten to The Cure. We slither, like our Master did in the garden at the beginning of the glory days, to extend our reach to those that do not know the work of our Great Lord and live with their ears against the floor hoping for a sign, or a leader, to Poet laureate, Dashiell Galadriel, (above) of The Sons of the Shelled carry them on to a Inferno and cart wrangler of the Target on Bellflower Blvd. world were there is no god, and the Praise the Lord of Darkness, only requirement for living is to sin For He gave us a reason to hate as much as possible. Anyone that doesn’t know who Our sins are so great that the We are. word has lost all meaning. Our Messiah, Mark Torgl, will lead us to Praise the Lord of Darkness, the great oblivion, for He is the only For He gave us the color black, true Messiah. He has shown us the Pornography, and way to be, the way to love, the way Tim Burton. to find our way to walk backwards through the cornfield of life. In life Praise him forever and in death, we forsake any light Praise him the best and any person that does not have Praise him in darkness the sinister hand, the left hand, for it When you silently is the only hand that one must have. Cum on your chest. Death to Lesbos. The island. Before every member goes off All Praise Him to sleep, they must recite the folAll Praise Him lowing mantra to foreshadow the All Praise Him coming of the Dark Lord:
UPCOMING EVENTS Carbo-Load and Shave-Down
Nut-Stomping Session
SIN PARTY!!!
Meet at The Satan’s Dungeon (aka The Y) two hours in advance of Monday’s half-marathon. The occasion: raise awareness of spreading jaw cancer, and special guest Roger Ebert will give his thumbs to our Dark Lord Satan if enough of you show up. Join us Monday night to help us raise money to give jaw cancer to the rest of his family/the world. Also, look out for an appearance by Gene Siskel, who will be singing his hot ’90s chart-topper “The Thong Song.”
Everyone grab your spandex and your crosstrainers and head over to the Springbrooke Elementary soccer field to burn some evil calories in the most sinful way possible, group circuit nut-stomping. Take turns grinding each other’s scrotums into the Astroturf, complimentary juice boxes and orange slices. High heels and studs of any kind are welcome!
Head on over to Doug’s house for a night of evil and sin. Just start swearing and there might even be a couple of wives you can covet the shit out of!!! There will be evil prizes for whoever can take the Lord’s name in vain the most. Prizes include a pig’s head on a spike and a legal deed to Doug’s soul. Construct false idols at our craft table or pig-out at our ice cream bar, gluttony is a sin, people usually forget that. Guests are encouraged to make out with members of their own sex, especially if they don’t like it. God really hates that.