66.09 by Union Weekly

ISSUE 66.09 JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief

RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

Managing Editor

rachel.union@gmail.com

simone.union@gmail.com

KEVIN O’BRIEN

kevinob.union@gmail.com

News Director

ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Literature Editor & PR

JAMES KISLINGBURY

Entertainment Editor & PR

RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA

Creative Arts Editor

rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com

kathym.union@gmail.com

Grunion Editor

bear.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

Art Director, cover design (w/ Chris Fabela)

ANDREW LEE Photo Editor

MIKE PALLOTTA

On-Campus Distribution

KATHY MIRANDA

Web Editor, cover photo

CAITLIN CUTT

Advertising Executive

LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR

JOE BRYANT

jamesk.union@gmail.com

KATHY MIRANDA SOPHISTICATED BEAR

THE VOLCANO

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

victorpc.union@gmail.com

Culture Editor

JOE VERSUS

andyk.union@gmail.com

VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor

-Tommy Lee Jones, Volcano

clay.union@gmail.com

SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor

“And in the dream. . . I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up.”

joeb.union@gmail.com

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, MARCO BELTRAN, MICHAEL VEREMANS, MICHAEL REVIS, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, JOHN YANG, JESSE BLAKE, MAY ZIMMERMAN, HOLLY GARLAND, SARA SANTANA, FOLASHADE ALFORD, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, KATY PARKER, CHELSEA STEVENS, DAVID DIAZ, JEFF CHANG, LEO PORTUGAL, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, JENNY LONG, NOAH KELLY

Disclaimer and Publication Information

here it is. The ultimate headline for this column. What I’ve been striving for this whole time: The realization of my awful pun off of the hit 1990 romantic comedy starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. “But Joe, why are you using that headline? Was there a volcano that opened up in the middle of a major metropolitan city, burning millions of people with lava? If so, how did I never hear about it? You sure are a great journalist. I love you.” Sadly, there was not a volcanic disaster this weekend. And when was the last time we had one? It’s been almost twenty years since Mount Unzen swallowed 15,000 people in Japan. What’s it gonna take to get thousands of people to buried beneath a blanket of hardened lava? The fact is I was secretly hoping we’d have some Dante’s Peak scenario on our hands during my tenure as Editor-in-Chief. Does this make me a bad

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

person? Yes. Did I just jinx it? Maybe. That would suck if after this prints we have a volcano erupt in downtown Baltimore or something. Then wouldn’t I be red-faced? And really, what’s up with all these earthquakes not unearthing a gargantuan volcano? Not fair! Easter? Nothing. Chile? Nothing. Haiti? Fucking nothing! I mean, who’s a guy gotta blow to make a volcano erupt? If pop culture has taught me anything, earthquakes and volcanoes go together like Batman and Robin, Butch and Sundance, Cheech and Chong! I mean hell, I grew up in southern California, why haven’t I lived through even one volcanic emergency? It makes no sense. Let’s not forget just how awesome volcanoes are either. Dinosaurs, undeniably the coolest animals ever in the history of everywhere and everything, lived near volcanoes. Just ask a paleontologist: Dinos loved volcanoes. They

were so cool they even bathed in volcanoes. Fact. Another fun volcano fact: The number one cause of death for virgin women under the age of 25 is sacrifice to ancient volcanic gods. But enough about volcanoes, allow me to take a few minutes to talk about something that’s near and dear to my heart: Selling out. Allow me to demonstrate by pandering. You’re a college student. You have a Facebook. Maybe even a Twitter. Did you know that right now you could express your love for the Union Weekly with both of those social networking media? Wow! That’s amazing! You should add us on Facebook right now. Then go right on ahead and follow us on Twitter. Not only is it what all the cool kids are doing, but it helps boost our egos. Who knows? Joe knows.

Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.

CHALK TALK

WE FOUND THIS IN THE MEN’S ROOM. WE DARE YOU TO DO BETTER.

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

OPINIONS BUSHIDO: WAY OF THE BROKE GUY WORKING FIVE(+) YEARS TOWARDS A DEGREE DOESN’T GET YOU ANYWHERE words & illustration

JAMES KISLINGBURY ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

lot of things have been going down in my life lately, some good, some bad, some confusing. As a young man more or less locked away in his parents’ attic for twenty hours a day these things haven’t so much made me feel uneasy or jealous as they have highlighted the fact that, other than writing up saucy opinion pieces and watching Blade Runner on a loop, I’m not doing a whole lot with my life. There’s an old saying, “Youth is wasted on the young,” which was probably first said by some horrible, old cunt, but it raises a good point. I’ve been tossing away months of these golden years doing nothing truly productive. Meanwhile, outside the wire of the Kislingbury compound, my friends are off getting married and being accepted to graduate school at USC, and I cannot get work as a dishwasher. It’s discouraging. This started, like all disappointments, with applying for a job. Or trying to apply for one. I say “trying,” because the way people receive and reply applications nowadays is akin to flying a spaceship into a black hole or shouting down a garbage chute. It makes you feel stupid and you’ve got no idea if it’s working or not. There was quite a number of jobs open at the restaurant, everything from the CEO to the disabled guy who hangs out in the bathroom and gives you a towel. I figured, hey, I’m at least as quick-witted as most slow people I know, I am a shoe-in for this job. I was wrong, so very wrong. Despite a follow up to a well named gentleman and seventh-

graders command of the English language, I received no reply. I guess I was in that perfect sweet spot between being over-qualified for many jobs and under-qualified for the rest that employment experts call “Having a Bachelor’s in the Arts.” The restaurant in question is Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ and it is going on my Enemies List, right between “God” and “Harrison, George” (two discs of B-sides and a jam session is not a triple album, George!). If it wasn’t for their $1.50 beers at happy hour, I’d firebomb the place. It’d probably get blamed on the shabu shabu grills that all the customers use, as well. The perfect crime. Like anything in life, though, you’ve got to find something in it that you like, rather than waste your time complaining about what isn’t there. You’re always going to find thing syou’re lacking and, I don’t know about you, but I’m trying to get through season one of Deadwood and I simply do not have the time for that. So I decided to focus on jobs I am qualified for. A brief overview of Craiglist’s LA chapter reveals that I’m perfect for quite a number of opportunities, most of which either involve managing blogs for law offices (I guess even the square community likes to post uncredited Terry Richardson photos on a tumblr) or picking up piles of dirt from somewhere near Sunland. There was also a job offer for a “courier,” which I’m fairly certain was just an offer to move weight across the San Gabriel Valley. I can’t say that I didn’t send the guy an e-mail, though.

The rest are mostly gay porn, but not the gay porn you’re thinking of, with the umbrellas and snappy musical numbers, this is the kind of gay porn that involves men having sex with each other. I mean, I guess I’ve done lots of things for money that I don’t like—cleaning, being kind to the elderly, and not stealing from the cash register spring to mind—but, I’m going to be honest with you, screwing a dude does very little for me. I don’t know how the ladies put up with that. On the plus side,

it seems they’ll pay for your gas mileage. I put this in the “maybe” pile. As far as the rest of the future goes, it’s really wide open, which is fairly terrifying. That’s the worst bit of it, the not knowing when things are going to get better, when they’re going to change, but at the same time, that’s also kind of the strange hope in all of this. I know things have to change, and when they do I’ll be there, waiting, because it’s not like I’ve got a job to fill the space.

THERE IS NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO POST-GRADUATION BLUES ARE ALREADY GETTIN’ BITCHES DOWN ALEXANDRE RODALLEC UNION STAFFER, FRENCH GUY

What are you going to do after college? Get a job at that place, and make something, for someone? That is your destiny. The company dinners and drinks and that face you know so well because it sits in the cubicle across yours five days a week. The smile that means either, ‘Hey. . .’ or ‘God, there’s that idiot again’. You had your fun in college, it’s time to grow up, time to get a life that means something. That life has a significant other, a house, 2.5 cars, 2.5 children. You like those figures, and that prospect. Liking to you is agreeing with your mind because it’s independent and considers things carefully. Yours does that, it works like that naturally. You pride yourself on being an indepenUNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

dent person who has conflicting views with other people, often. You do this through quotation, reiteration. Your mind has been trained throughout school to learn numbers and words and to restate them in certain scenarios. Your parents taught you morals, they told you what to do and what not to do; whether you agreed or not, it affected you. You followed media, which seems to have no one coherent opinion; and yet there are rules that govern it, things that cannot be said or that are shunned. You separate information well, but your clustering skills are untested. Maybe you stopped following media, but that kept you from getting to the vortex of the problem: You.

You process things in a way that is predictable to you. There is not enough questioning yourself. When you don’t like something you don’t usually do it unless it’s work or school. The rest of the time you make up for it by doing some form of drug, either to calm your nerves or to “expand” your mind. Both of those are the same, you just give them different names. They arrest the mind, they contort it. You use the word freedom, and your mind does not fit into your definition of it. Go live with people you hate and see what happens. Vote for the same party your father did, if you hate it, if you already do because you like it, stop reading this article, diamonds are sometimes

thrown to pigs. When someone disagrees with you, like right now, accept that they’re right and you’re wrong. Steal something from a big company: stealing from a rich thief is the stuff of movies. Go on a trip and live someone else’s life, almost like now, but consciously this time, until you find the suppressed parts of your self, and then get to know yourself carefully and slowly, because you’ve been told your whole life who you really are, and you really don’t know the first thing about what it is to know yourself. You are ignorant, and will remain so unless you break the mold they made for you. This person is taking the advice. Me, I don’t care.

OPINIONS

APRIL 15TH:

STEAL SOMETHING FROM WORK DAY STEAL SHIT FROM THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE YOU A JOB IN THIS PISS POOR ECONOMY MICHAEL VEREMANS

Illustration

UNION STAFFER

hat’s right, you read it! That unnamed thing (well, the corporations call it shrinkage) that you’ve already done at every job you’ve ever had is being celebrated. It’s this week so start planning. From pocketing a few blank CDs to embezzling millions, workplace theft is a time-honored tradition. It accounts for billions in lost revenue annually and has become a major form of protest against the exploitation most of us are subject to at work where every day is “Steal Something from Your Employee Day.” Statistically speaking, you’ve probably engaged in workplace theft at least once in your life, not everyday: just make sure you do it on the 15th! Think about a precious hour of your precious day from your only life. How much is it worth to you in dollars? Priceless. How much are you getting paid for an hour of your life by your employer? Significantly less. We deserve at least enough to not have to struggle to eat healthy food regularly, not just when we can afford it and to pay for a home that doesn’t leak or have cockroaches. The adrenaline rush you get as you walk out the backdoor with some big ticket item that you could never afford on the wages they pay you, that’s the feeling of justice. Maybe you don’t want to be selfish: sharing is caring—grab a gift for your family, or better yet, take that food your store or restaurant throws away at the end of the day and give it to the homeless on skid row (that’s on Pacific and Broadway in Long Beach). Essentials such as clean food and water are a human right, extend it to your poorer brothers. This is a solidarity movement among workers of all levels who are unhappy with the way they are being treated and the way they are being compensated. So, don’t forget

JAIME KARSON UNION STAFFER

the people who are breaking their back along side you—get together with your coworkers so that you can enjoy “under-the-table profit-sharing,” according to CrimethInc. Ex-Workers Collective, most jobs try to divide us from our comrades through rules and competition but we have to come together to fight for sustainability. If you don’t have a job, that’s because the system depends on excess labor to exploit workers—steal from someone else’s work, or better yet, from the place that fired you. Also, don’t go snitching, when your coworker liberates something, remember, you saw nothing. “Steal Something From Work Day” isn’t only about stocking up on pens and manila folders, it’s about protesting the capitalist system that gives us unfair wages for our irreplaceable time. Here we are taking time away from who and what we love to make dividends for some remote stockholder. This isn’t about overthrowing the entire system (necessarily), it’s about making a fair living for your labor and your time, about affecting change from the inside. Check out Dead Prez’ song Hell Yeah (Pimp the System) on YouTube for a crash course in revolutionary reappropriation of our production. It’s time to protest this system and take what’s rightfully ours: steal from your work this April 15th!

SHAKESPEARE VS. LEDGER WEIGHING IN ON WHO MADE A LARGER CONTRIBUTION TO HUMANITY KATY PARKER UNION STAFFER

As someone who lives here on campus, I have difficulty thinking of dinnertime outside the context of the dining hall, complaining about and eating cafeteria food elbowto-elbow with at least five or six friends at a time. The setting is consistent; the broccoli/ meat/potatoes are the wrong color/temperature/consistency, and the faces are familiar. Eating as a group has become so routine that every possible avenue of civilized conversation seems to have been exhausted. We’re mainly left to discuss absurd, sometimes offensive, and often meaningless things. It was

working out well until a couple of weeks ago when a friend asked the following question: If you could decide to bring either Heath Ledger or William Shakespeare back to life, which one would you choose? I thought the answer seemed obvious until I listened to seven different people decide that the character of the Joker in The Dark Knight far outweighed Shakespeare’s cumulative works as a contribution to humanity. So there I was, the lowly, sad, English major, the only one to left to even attempt to string words together in

SUBMISSIONS DUE NO LATER THAN 03.08.10

defense of one of the most influential artists in the history of life on this planet. And no one agreed. And Heath Ledger won. I’m not sure how bothered the average person would be in my situation, but I am seven weeks away from earning a degree in English Education. This means that I’m preparing to face this situation everyday for the rest of my professional life. I’ll be peddling Shakespeare and countless other great authors to uninterested teenagers in order to fill my refrigerator, in order to feel a sense of purpose in life. And if nobody is going to care, I

think I have a lot to be worried about. The fact that fewer and fewer people read for pleasure, especially people our age and younger, is a reality that must be faced. I understand personally how difficult it is to focus on something that isn’t immediately entertaining, understandable and pleasurable especially when there are so many other things that meet these needs. At the same time, however, it’s incredibly risky to continue to undervalue things like literature and the pleasure one can take out of reading it, and I wish more people agreed! UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

NEWS

V O VIA E TE MAIL

ASI PRE-ELECTION PROFILES

APRI L 12 -15

FOUR CANDIDATES, FOUR OFFICES, FOUR INTERVIEWS, ZERO ENDORSMENTS CHELSEA STEVENS UNION STAFFER

LUCY NGUYEN VICE PRESIDENT

JAMESON NYEHOLT

ucy is a only a sophomore here at CSULB, and currently acting as Senator for the College of Business Administration. Lucy first became involved with ASI as a volunteer in its Street Team, as well as becoming Vice President of Finance for the Human Resource Management Association. Though she was only 18 at the time, Lucy decided to run for the senate, and was elected to her current position with a large majority of the vote. She feels that her experience as a senator this year will greatly assist her performance as Vice President if she is elected. Her tasks and duties in ASI have taught her how to work with other people, and use their strengths to accomplish the students’ goals. Her experience in ASI has proved that students need to be better educated on the situations affecting them daily, although many of them go unnoticed or seem unchangeable. Lucy would like to institute open forums to increase constituent participation and get a better feel for the needs of the students they represent, as she believes ASI is defined by who they serve. While she would love to utilize what methods of communication and power ASI currently possesses, she believes further steps must be taken to revise the internal structure in order to make students understand they are here for us. Lucy says, “Even though I’m young, I’m someone who’s fresh. I’m very in tune with what’s going on, and make sure I understand it so I can bring the facts back to CSULB. I make sure we’re ahead of the game, and make sure we’re leading the fight in Sacramento. I know what’s going on, I know what we need to do, and student advocacy is my number one goal for the CSU if I am elected Vice President.”

COLLEEN ADAME

TREASURER

ur current College of Liberal Arts Senator is looking to further his experience in making a difference through ASI as he runs for the position of Treasurer. Jameson began his career with ASI after his membership in a group called Campus Progressives, where he learned that much complaining with little structure leads to little change. Through ASI, he has discovered there is a way to make changes in a positive and educational way. Jameson stressed his focus on change and progress for CSULB isn’t connected to any need for personal gain, and he is uninterested in the conflict political positions can potentially bring about. Though his aspirations are not particularly political, he wishes to use his experiences as senator and possibly treasurer to become involved in non-profit organizations, where he can make a difference instead of getting into drama. For now, Jameson is looking to make a difference in the way ASI interacts with students and helping students learn what ASI can do for them. He understands there are a lot of misconceptions about ASI, and many students don’t realize the power it can wield when students take advantage of it. Communication is a big ticket issue to Jameson, and he hopes he will be able to make students understand what ASI is capable of and why they should care about elections. He believes caring about the details is the best tactic to making a permanent difference. “There are so many tiny things that we can change to improve an entity, if we find enough of them to change,” he said. “For me, running for treasurer was the obvious choice because there are so many different policies affecting students in ways they don’t know. It’s been amazing having a view of these things, because if you change enough of them it makes a big difference.”

ALEX LOHMAN

SENATOR, HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

SENATOR, LIBERAL ARTS

olleen’s current participation in the ASI Conservation Commission spurred her desire to become further involved with the organization and run for Senator of the College of Health and Human Services. Colleen had never previously participated in politics, and admitted she stereotyped ASI as a higher level of high school ASB until she got involved. Once a friend invited her to participate in the Conservation Commission, Colleen realized what a true difference ASI can make in the lives of students. She was impressed with the underestimated power senators have in proposing and passing bills to make noticeable change on campus. It was through this power that our new Rec Center came about, Colleen mentioned, and this project proved such big goals can truly be accomplished through students rather than professors or staff. Once more students realize the potential in ASI to achieve such things, finding out which changes they want is the next issue. Colleen suggested social networking sites like Facebook to involve the students who might be wary of just walking into the USU to have their concerns addressed. The lack of student participation in ASI and their understanding of its existence and duties can be greatly supplemented by an introduction to the organization at SOAR, she mentioned. Presenting our campus’ available commissions and clubs to incoming freshman can give them a means to get involved and make friends who share their interests. As an outsider to the grade school politics game, Colleen understands you didn’t have to be president of your high school’s ASB to be in ASI. “I think I’ll be able to bring people in who haven’t been involved, and make them understand you don’t have to be popular or have experience, you just want to make a change or do something past what you’re doing in school. I was never involved, but I’m going to try to make a difference and you can too.”

lex wishes to continue her involvement with ASI after her position as Secretary for System Wide Affairs, an organization that lobbies on behalf of CSU students in state government. She believes a lot of progress can be made in the College of Liberal Arts, particularly in the communication with and involvement of its constituents. Alex’s main platform is making an effective and efficient model of communication to be standardized throughout ASI. If tools like Facebook, Twitter, and blogs were added to the methods currently being used, she stressed, these social networking methods could be updated weekly and overseen by the Vice President to give ASI the ability to reach more students, while bringing a more transparent quality to the inner workings of the corporation. Through her experience with System Wide Affairs, Alex has seen the importance of CSULB’s presence in Sacramento and how students can make a difference in what happens on the state level. She believes ASI can take steps to be more proactive instead of reactive to the serious issues effecting our school, to ward off budget cuts and furloughs instead of dealing with their effects. ASI’s on-campus involvement is another thing Alex wants to promote if she’s elected, and what ideas the organization is responsible for around school. For example, few students know the library’s being open 24 hours a day for the week before finals last semester was the work of ASI. As much as they need to pull students to get engaged, Alex says, the corporation needs to improve the outlets they offer students in ways to stay in touch and get involved. “I’m not running for perks, or not just another title on the résumé,” Alex stated. “I’m really passionate about politics, as geeky as that sounds. I want to make an initiative to make students realize that you can give back, and ASI’s the way to do it.”

UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

NEWS

FEAR, FEAR ALL THE TIME

A SPECIAL EDITORIAL: ASI NEEDS TO PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO US KEVIN O’BRIEN

NEWS DIRECTOR

Illustration

CHRIS FABELA

CREATIVE ARTS EDITOR

n the coming weeks ASI will be holding elections to fill various positions within ASI government. In an attempt to introduce the candidates to the student body, as well as educate them on the issues at hand in the election, ASI held a debate last Thursday, a debate that I moderated alongside Joanne Tucker of the Daily 49er. Tucker had a long list of policy-oriented questions that one might expect to find regurgitated in the Daily 49er the next day beneath some hyperbolic headline. I had four very general and admittedly sarcastic questions. The debate was attended by what looked to be friends of the candidates who included Jeff, Jameson, Jason and Lucy, all of whom had last names, but by the time the debate was over I had long forgotten them. As I asked my questions, the first of which pertained to what the candidate hoped to accomplish, and the second of which awkwardly forced them to numerate a mistake the current administration had made and how they would rectify it, something became very clear to me. The student body has no interest in ASI or an ASI election and ASI has no idea how to engage said student body. Let me further explain this statement by writing that this is not an attack on ASI

or the many hardworking and dedicated professionals that work there. In fact I had a chance to meet and talk with two of them (who will remain nameless), and I admit that they seemed affable and competent. With that said, I witnessed a debate punctuated by abysmal student attendance and participation, which I deemed to be a rejection of ASI by the student body. The few rows of folding chairs placed in front of the podium remained unfilled and those who were in attendance seemed to fall into one of two categories, friend or family. The only other people in earshot were students who were eating lunch beforehand and weren’t bothered to move as the debate platform was erected in front of them. A poorly attended ASI event may not sound like news to you, but I believe that it is indicative of a greater apathy, one which I found no answer to at last Thursday’s debate. The fact of the matter is that students do not and cannot draw a correlation between ASI and the issues that matter to them, aside from fee increases. Issues including grades, financial aid, and housing, which are made all the more outrageous due to the fact that ASI has real and substantive impact in all of these areas. When questions pertaining to educating and involving the student body about answers

were given that seemed to be either flatly unlikely, like forums in which students would talk directly to ASI members, or hopelessly minute, like adjustments to the school website and online applications. My final questions for the candidates and the final question of the debate that day was this; “As a political leader, is it better to be feared or loved?” It was a Machiavellian question that I had originally included to be disruptive, but upon further reflection yielded answers that I found pertinent. Everyone with the exception of Jameson answered, “to be loved” while Jameson answered “both,” which was more honest, but ended up being just as wrong. The correct answer, as I proceeded to tell them, was to be feared, and to be feared all the time. While it is impossible to maintain love all the time, it is much easier to maintain fear. ASI has maintained something altogether worse than love or fear, and that is apathy. Perhaps a little fear used wisely and judiciously would be enough to make students realize the importance of ASI and student involvement in concern to their education. Better to be alert and afraid then asleep and indifferent. Either way, I could care less, I’m not going to vote.

ANIMAL LIBERATION FOUNDATION GUILT IN VARIOUS FORMS FOR ALL TO ENJOY MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN UNION STAFFER

This week marks the return of the Animal Liberation Forum to CSULB and while I admit that I feel more than a little ambivalent towards the movement as a whole, I think this forum is a great opportunity for those of us who don’t get to hear the ‘animal rights’ message straight from the horses mouth. (On second thought, that might be animal cruelty). Starting Thursday, the ALF promises documentaries and panels on all things animal rights, but opening night is dedicated to practical advice on how to spring our animal brethren from the big house. So for all the readers into that sort of thing the 15th will be a great opportunity to meet activists already working in the field. As an uninformed louse I find this announcement intriguing. Before hearing that the strategic planning and networking portion was

confined to one day, I would have assumed that all of the events at the ALF would deal with animal liberation tactics. So what can we expect from the remaining three days of the event? I assume the networking will continue throughout the event, but based on the featured documentary The Skin Trade, I get the feeling that the conference will have a strong guilt component to entice the uninitiated. This weekend’s festivities come at perhaps the most visible moment in history for the movement. Everyone from Trader Joe’s, to Uncle Bill’s Earth Fucking and Toxic Waste Emporium is latching on to the “Go Green” label. Meanwhile book after book is mulling over The Omnivore’s Dilemma all coming to the same conclusion: less factory farmed foods, fur and foie gras will raise our standard of living by 10 million greenness points. A lot of this stuff is

reasonable and necessary. Our food supply is completely untenable and gross, but there comes a point when the saying “all things in moderation; including moderation” comes into play. As I alluded to earlier, there seems to be an ever-increasing amount of guilt associated with Going Green™ that gives me pause. I can deeply identify with the goals of the Animal Liberation Forum as far as ending factory farms reenergizing this country’s backwards infrastructure and forcing us all to take a good long look at what it means to be human, and how we continue to adapt to changing climates, but to paraphrase Michel Foucault; any claim of Knowledge is a move of Power. Luckily, we at CSULB have access to this conference, to be able to evaluate the arguments made, and see what resonates with us. UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

check yourself [in] before you rec yourself

THE REC CENTER IS BUILDING UP TO ITS FALL DEBUT.

2ND FLOOR TRACK

THE ENTRANCE

NOAH KELLY

Photos

CLAY COOPER

CONTRIBUTOR

tarting August 2010 the $62 million Student Recreational and Wellness Center (SRWC) will be open for business for all students, whether they know about it or not. Students will have their tuitions increased at least $118 every semester to pay off this new rec center, so with any luck they might ask where that extra money is going. All students, if they actually bothered to read it, were sent an email detailing how to go about pre-registering for the SRWC. You can head on over to USU room 201 for a Minority Report-ish hand scanning—their way of IDing you for entrance. It’s also meant to prevent abuse of student membership, as opposed to the Man keeping track of how fat your hand has gotten, but only time will tell. The new rec center does tout some pretty interesting stuff not currently offered on campus. This two story complex is set to have a healthy food oriented cantina, a running track that loops around a large indoor basketball court, a 75 foot rock wall, an outdoor pool (which looks a bit small and bizarrely shaped), outdoor volleyball nets, racquet ball, indoor soccer and brand new cardio equipment. The cardio equipment comes equipped with televisions so students won’t be too bored while they walk at a semi-brisk pace on a treadmill. According to Meredith Chace, Graduate Assistant, the rec center aims to be able to service 2000 students simultaneously. This number seems dubious considering much of the second floor is dedi-

cated to a track and a viewing area for the basketball court below. The SRWC center is being built on an old parking lot next to the soccer fields (which required a new parking structure to be built to help offset the loss), though according to Chace it was either there or nowhere, due to Puvungna occupying the last remaining space on campus. The fact that CSULB decided against building on Puvungna was fortuitous because Zelda Rubinstein is dead. Super dead and Craig T. Nelson is busy with the all-important Parenthood, airing Tuesdays at 8pm on NBC, catch it! There is more than just exercise being offered for the students, as the SRWC aims to put 200 part-time jobs on campus just for students. Now students can get paid for standing around and looking bored at the gym! The budget had already been approved and will not be delayed by the budget crisis (so that’s something). Current students have not yet paid a single dime for the rec center’s construction, which has surprisingly been on schedule, rainy January withstanding. Students should expect their fees to go up and hopefully their fat asses to go down starting August at the new SRWC, located next to the soccer fields and police station right off of Palos Verdes. So if you have any contracts with Frog’s or another gym, you should start looking for a way to shirk out of that.

THE POOL INDOOR ROCK WALL

For more information about the SRWC and employment opportunities, visit the ASI website.

www.asirecreation.org

UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

ENTERTAINMENT MYSTERY TEAM OUT OF MIND

IT’S FUNNY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE! SEAN BOULGER

UNION STAFFER, THE HOMME FATALE

ith Mystery Team, Derrick Comedy might not have produced the most wildly inventive or original comedy. . . but they sure did make a damn funny one. The latest small-time sketch comedy troupe to gain recognition through selfproduced and Internet-distributed short videos, Derrick makes its feature film debut with a movie that actually hits several of the same notes as 2007’s Hot Rod, the feature film debut of another small-time comedy troupe that gained recognition through self-produced and Internet-distributed short videos. With Hot Rod, Andy Samberg and his cohorts in the Lonely Island gave us a comedy that took a conventional plot and turned it on its head, allowing it to serve as a framework in which perpetually naïve characters carry out their antics. With Mystery Team, however, the film’s very similar brand of comedy rests squarely upon the shoulders of the individual jokes and characters, ultimately sacrificing a strong plot in favor of strong jokes. Does this make the film a failure? Absolutely not. Mystery Team is loaded with plenty of laugh-outloud moments, but when the third act arrives, the writing gets rushed. It’s more than just a

little disappointing when we get to uncover the murder plot, only to find that it’s some kind of sloppy, B-movie corporate espionagetype of premise that seems hackneyed and thrown-together. As the film opens, the titular Mystery Team has been acting as private detectives since they were seven, solving cases around the neighborhood and making sure that blueberry pies go unmolested as they are left to cool on windowsills. At the age of eighteen and the cusp of high school graduation the team can offer nothing but amazement as to why the denizens of their fair town doesn’t respect them and their crime-solving abilities the way they used to. When they were seven. How to remedy this? By attempting to solve a double homicide, of course. While this gives us the groundwork for several hilarious situations, the actual plot of the crime itself is shallow, and comes across as something that was whipped up in a half hour, just to ensure that the characters continued to have a story in which they could carry out their jokes. We get some great moments in which the members of the Mystery Team are forced to interact directly with the distance that ex-

ists between their ideas and the world around them, but when it comes time for the Mystery Team to collide head-on with the actual murder plot that they’re trying to solve, we get the feeling that it’s one conceived by the simple minds trying to solve it in the first place. Mystery Team is pretty hilarious. I’ll certainly be watching it again, and I’ll certainly recommend it to anyone that appreciates good comedy. For these purposes, it’s a complete success. The third act, however, shows that plot was indeed sacrificed in favor of the jokes that manage to carry the film successfully. I would even be able to overlook the fact that the typically enjoyable Aubrey Plaza somehow manages to suck every single ounce of humor out of every single scene she’s in (seriously, she would come dangerously close to crucifying this movie if it weren’t for her limited screen time). If I had been shown a murder plot that didn’t feel like it was purposely created to be simple enough for the Mystery Team to solve.

THESPIAN TENDENCIES AT CSULB PUT A QUARTER IN YO ASS ’CAUSE YA PLAYED YOURSELF! (I AM SO SORRY) ALEXANDRE RODALLEC UNION STAFFER, THE FALL GUY

Have you ever walked around upper campus and seen people talking to themselves in a loud, dramatic voice? Did they make strange faces? Did they look at you, but not? These are not the people you see hanging around Flower Dave and his paintings, if that’s what you were thinking. No, these are thespians, the fancyschmancy Greek word for actors. Now, if you didn’t know this already, CSULB has quite a fine graduate theatre program. I’ve seen four of their shows since I’ve been here and as of yet I have not been all out disappointed by the acting, which is really impressive considering that I’m really critical, perhaps too critical, about most things. Besides the graduate program, there is also some talent to be found in the undergraduate

ranks, which you can check out for free at the Student Directed Showcases every Thursday evening at 11pm and every Friday at noon in the catacombs of the ST building, where the Theatre Department houses. Don’t worry, the showcases are usually only half an hour long, I know you guys have more important shit to do than enjoy culture. Although it is worth your while to check out the undergrad shows, I’m mainly writing about the M.F.A. shows. The next one up, which is the season closer, is Out of Thin Air, a play that in Artistic Director Joanne Gordon’s words continues “the Cal Rep tradition of creating innovative original work.” Jeff Perry, a founding member of the famed Steppenwolf company, “teams with veteran actor/teacher

Alexandra Billings to create Out of Thin Air, a unique and unexpected exploration of relationships, viewpoints and community.” I know that the combination of relationships, viewpoints, and community sounds like a fucking boring show, but try to look beyond that artsy façade that for some reason infests all press releases and statements about art, and you might be positively surprised. A couple of weeks ago I went and saw Poetry of Pizza, directed by Anne D’Zmura, which featured Arber Mëhmeti, once a regional Irene Ryan winner (a prestigious student actor award), whose merit I can attest to. Arber, who by the way is a survivor of the ethnic cleansing that took place in Kosovo, is not the only remarkable actor in the M.F.A. program,

other notable talents are David Vegh, and the extraordinary Sarah Underwood, who keeps baffling me with her precise and compelling portrayals. Sarah Underwood’s performance in Poetry of Pizza could best be described as what the hell are you doing here? You should be in a movie. Now! But seriously, Underwood’s incredible talent never takes away from the rest of the cast, which itself attests to her ability to work as part of an ensemble, but at the same time to the overall quality of acting that one can sample at an M.F.A. show. You might end up seeing some of these actors on the big screen not too long from now, David Vegh you can actually spot in Saving Private Ryan (he even has a line!). Basically, go see that talent before it takes off. UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

MUSIC SAD BASTARD MUSIC Five Songs to Spin into Catastrophic Depression With JAMES KISLINGBURY MOROSE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

t occurs to me that kids today don’t know how to wreck their life by being needlessly sad, which is a shame in and of itself, because from the Great Depression to the deep, black pit that was the 1970s, the darkest years of American history have always been marked by a surge in artistic creativity. The corollary to that though is that if people aren’t moping around, won-

dering what it all means, then what does that mean for art? I’ll tell you what: Big band. Folk-pop. Disco. And horror of horrors, rap-rock. I can fix this. I can fix this country. By listening to these songs, in a loop, for six months straight, you too can be a useless, emotional wreck and save this country.

All songs are rated based on the Forlorn Trent Reznor Scale, five Reznor heads being the most depressing and one being the least, obviously.

“YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT FEELS” - Tom Petty

“THE WEEPING SONG” - NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS

“DISORDER” - JOY DIVISION

“ANGELES” - ELLIOTT SMITH

“DOWNTOWN TRAIN” - TOM WAITS

Tom Petty is the perfect artist to both get dangerously stoned to and to recover from a heart breaking experience to a break-up or a death in the family (or maybe Fox cancelled your favorite show for example). It makes sense in a way, since both activities involve your couch, a bag of snacks, and thinking yourself slowly to sleep. Instead of being just a stoner song or just a sad song, though, “You Don’t Know How it Feels” goes one step further by adding the clause that no one could ever possibly understand your pain. Keeping your pain unique and inaccessible is the first step to a long and fruitful depression.

While Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds’ entire body of work is peppered with fantastically depressing songs about everything from murder, being murdered, and duets about both, those tend to be a little more esoteric and, unfortunately, incredibly entertaining (and we can’t have that). That’s why “The Weeping Song” is included here. The meaning is right in the title. It’s the song in which you weep. No screwing around. No rationalizing, just a good old fashioned cry. So get your iPod and find a comfortable place on your bathroom floor, because this is going to be a long one.

Unlike many depressing songs, “Disorder” isn’t about pining for a lost love or dealing with a crippling substance abuse problem. It’s about a guy who just wants to have the problems of a “normal man.” How screwed up is that? The song disappears down the sad bastard rabbit-hole even further when you stop and consider the fact that the singer hung himself on a laundry rack after watching a Werner Herzog movie at the age of 23. But, hey, good times, right?

Nothing quite sets the mood like another talented artist who brutally killed himself before his 30th birthday. There’s a time and a place for all things, but my favorite time to play Elliot Smith is when I’ve got a party that’s running a bit longer than I’d like it to. Just throw this song on and that place will clear out by the second chorus, leaving me to crawl under the dining room table and eat that entire carton of ice cream I’ve had my eye on.

“Downtown Train” should be the anthem of lonely people everywhere. It’s a perfect song to myopically focus on your worries because it both involves Tom Waits, swinging king of the hobos, and trains, the most despair ridden of all public transportation. What’s best about the song is that the narrator is so sincere, but even in his isolation, he doesn’t seem to lose hope, and maybe if he doesn’t completely lose sight, then maybe we won’t, either. But probably not. Also: No matter what you do, we all die alone.

RATING:

Valleys of Neptune: Hendrix Experienced When a label puts together an album of “previously unreleased material” from an artist who is no longer recording, there is an expectation that the album will fill a certain mold. Fans buy this type of record hoping to hear a handful of scratchy demos of the group’s big hits and, if they’re lucky, a couple of never-before-heard songs still in their idea stage. Valleys of Neptune defies these expectations, just as Jimi Hendrix did throughout his too short career, and delivers 12 tracks of creative, eclectic, blues-rock excellence. The first track, a supercharged reinterpretation of The Jimi Hendrix Experience staple “Stone Free”, serves as a good sample for what the album offers as a whole. This new version of “Stone Free” shows the band shifting towards a sharp R&B sound that is noticeably different from the dirty psychedelic rock that Hendrix is best known for. The rest of the record reflects this progression, also displaying elements of jazz and funk. Those who are looking for the classic Hendrix sound shouldn’t be disappointed UNION WEEKLY

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though. Tracks like “Lover Man” demonstrate his standard virtuosic blues playing. The production on the record is clean and straightforward; it lacks the distortion and other studio wizardry that is ubiquitous in Hendrix’s work. This doesn’t detract from the material however, in fact it highlights Jimi’s often underrated songwriting skills. This clean production style is most evident on the title track. Even though the psychedelic imagery in the lyrics of “Valleys of Neptune” might complement a trippy guitar sound, the simplicity of the sound is effective. The uncluttered style is a stark contrast to Hendrix’s other posthumous releases from the early ‘70s, which featured studio musicians overdubbing other instruments onto the master tapes. One of the songs featured on Valleys of Neptune (the instrumental “Lullaby for the Summer”) was actually restored from a work reel of one these controversial albums. Aside from his unique guitar playing, Jimi Hendrix was also known as a great interpreter of other artists’ songs, most famously on Bob

Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower.” Valleys of Neptune includes two covers. Everyone will recognize Cream’s seminal riff from “Sunshine of Your Love” before the band takes it for an improvisational stroll for nearly seven minutes. Unfortunately, “Sunshine of Your Love” is only an instrumental. However, the other cover, a funky reinvention of bluesman Elmore James’ “Bleeding Heart,” features a strong, soulful vocal performance and is one of the standout cuts from the album. The new versions of Hendrix’s own material on Valleys could just as easily be confused for covers since they’re so different from the original ones. The opening lines of the classic “Fire” sound like a punk band is playing them because the aggressive dynamics and racing tempo assault the listener. Drummer Mitch Mitchell is allowed to run even wilder than usual on this song, playing a frantic start-and-stop beat throughout and gives a pounding solo two-thirds of the way through. The fresh take on “Red House” takes the opposite approach, opting to slow

BRIAN NEWHARD THAT ONE GUY

down the tempo from the Are You Experienced? version. It stretches to over eight minutes, but remains engaging the whole way through. The guitar on the Valleys’ version of “Red House” is much less distorted, only employing light overdrive. Valleys of Neptune is a success because it isn’t simply a ledger of unreleased recordings. Its cohesiveness is remarkable given that the tracks are taken from sporadic sessions that happened over 40 years ago. This album is a testament to Jimi Hendrix’s immense talent, that so many recordings of this quality have yet to be released to the public. Apparently, even more of this sort of material is still in the vaults; Experience Hendrix (the company that controls Hendrix’s estate) is planning to release a similar album next year. If you’re a fan of rock history, I would recommend buying the CD, instead of downloading it, to get the 24-page liner notes which include photos and a detailed history of the recording sessions.

CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, LONG BEACH

GRADUATION BEGINS TODAY Thanks to the efforts of faculty, staff and students, CSULB has seen significant improvement in the graduation rate for all students. As a partner in the CSU statewide Graduation Initiative, CSULB is off to great start. We’re proud to be a national leader in graduating students in all categories, and we’re looking forward to furthering our student success through our “Highly Valued Degree Initiative” to benefit all of our students. When compared to similar Public Master’s Universities, based on the campus’ 2009 graduation rates,

CSULB Ranks: • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating all categories of students • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating under-represented minority students • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating Latino students • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating African American students • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating Native American students • Top 5th percentile nationally for graduating Asian American students • Top 10th percentile nationally for graduating white students

LITERATURE Novels of the Malazan Empire by Steven Erikson Fantastic Fantasy Series. Seriously, though, it’s good. LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER

ONCAMUS READINGS

erd alert! Let the sirens blare as we dive into Steven Erikson’s The Malazan Book of the Fallen series, a war focused epic fantasy with a dark tone. Erikson has crafted a heavy weight in the world of fantasy literature. Clocking in at ten substantial books, this series is a deep and expansive goldmine for fantasy fans everywhere. It is an ambitious journey across numerous continents, times, and magical planes where empires and gods clash. The reader zooms in from this epic scale and is drawn more intimately to an almost innumerable amount of distinct characters. From crafty mages, to smooth assassins, to fearless generals and loveable hell hounds, there’s something for everyone to identify with and grow to love. The story’s strength lies in its strong characters and brilliantly realized action sequences. Combine these two strengths, and you have heroes that I’d name my children after (And by children, I mean World of Warcraft characters). Erikson is a craftsman when it comes to producing some intriguing shit, and then peppering in some actual shit. Let me explain. One of my personal highlights in this series is when a lady wizard (hot) terrorizes a small military brigade

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with some fearsome spells that make the soldiers keel over and shit themselves. That’s it! She doesn’t kill them. Then she’s all like, “I’ve got more important people that I need to make shit themselves.” And then she just leaves them laying around in their own mess. Badass? Yes. The series can be overwhelming at first, but when I felt that I was in over my head near the beginning of the first book, Gardens of the Moon, one of the characters seemed to speak to both the newly appointed captain Paran, and to myself. He says: “Out of your depth, Captain? Don't worry, every damn person here's out of their depth. Some know it, some don't. It's the ones who don't you got to worry about. Start with what's right in front of you and forget the rest for now. It'll show up in its own time.” The series started as a slow burner, but after the slowly building climax of Gardens of the Moon, it burned oh so good. Things began to click and I began to care for the bevy of unique characters. I am only two and a half books into this epic series and have thoroughly enjoyed it so far, but multiple sources insist that it only gets better. If you’ve got the time, will, and fortitude to delve into the world Erikson has created, give it a try and you could discover a vast wealth of enjoyment.

Hey all you bibliophiles! Were you planning on just sitting alone in your apartmet/dorm/bedroom located donw the hall from your parents reading or writing this week? Well, stop being creepy and have some fun instead. No, not “your kind of fun.” Real fun, with real people, and real writers (these are people who get paid to do what you do on your blog for free.) I’ve found “creative types” respond better to negative reinforcement. So go to one of these, or you suck! MARK WEBER & THE MARK WEBER POETRY BAND When: Monday, April 12 at 7pm Where: USU Auditorium What: Good jazz, better poetry, and you might even meet a new friend!

CREATIVE WRITING FACULTY READING When: Tuesday, April 13 at 7pm Where: Soroptomist House What: A bunch of rad professors, whom you may know, reading their shit.

CULTURE

CULTURE RANTS! HIPSTER HATERADE By Simone Harrison

THE RICH MAN’S SLEEVE

RECLAIMING THE HANDKERCHIEF BY JAMES KISLINGBURY

I know it’s unfair to suggest that anyone in the Union has any room to be writing about hipsters (Just ask Joe Hauser, he has a lot to say on the subject), but there is a movement sweeping the land, a movement that is a complete mockery in itself and that is Hipster Hate. Everybody’s raggin’ on the hipsters for their glasses sans lenses, their 1920s attire and their little girly man tees. It’s perfectly fine to tease these hip folks, but hear me out. You’re probably not going to like this. In fact, I’m sure women the world over would throw their used tampons at me if they had the chance, but aren’t you all just jealous? I mean, these motherfuckers look awesome! I think on some level every person desires to be “cool.” However you want to define “being cool” is your business, but we all want a piece of that hipster pie. And let’s not bite the ringed hand that feeds us—most of the clothing sold in Forever 21 and H&M is influenced by these hip street cats. More importantly, the hipster movement is all over the place. Fashion is driven toward personalized style. It’s a freefor-all these days, with fashion blogs becoming ever more influential for designers like Marc Jacobs and the late Alexander McQueen. These high fashion designers look to the hipster community for street style inspiration and that’s kind of a big deal. People our age with no money are setting the stage for the most wellknown designers in the world, who will then sell their clothes for hundreds of dollars. That, my friends, is capitalism at it’s finest. Whether you like it or not, whatever the hipsters are wearing this month is what you’re going to be wearing the month after. Yes, they look stupid sometimes. Yes, they act a fool a lot of the time, but it’s a trend that isn’t going away. Appreciate these kids for what they’re worth. They’re encouraging the fashion industry to become a beacon for personalized style, which means that you, the naysayer, will be able to wear whatever you want and still stand out. Above all else, the hipster movement is about identity and if it allows me to wear Davy Crockett hats with style, then I’m alright with that.

s our society hurtles faster and farther into the future, more and more things begin to be cast away, often for the worse. Things like live theater, formal wear, manners, drum kits, and the elderly are considered detritus by the powers of progress and in their place we’re treated with reality shows about moronic, rich slags, people wearing t-shirts to dinner, synth machines, and Soylent Green. It’s probably for the best that we lost some of these things from the past— slavery and smelting the poor down into coal come to mind—but certain other things our society is worse for having lost. The handkerchief is one of these items. The handkerchief was invented sometime in the early 1600’s when a rich man Alfons Q. Handkerchief sneezed into his hand and realized that, hey, it would be really great if something was in my hand right now. And thus, the hanky was born, or so it would be if that were true. Since then, our modern, quick-as-youcan culture, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to discard the snot rag in favor of sneezing into the air or wiping your hand onto your sock when no one is looking. It’s a crying shame. It’s also kind of a gross one.

I can hear the naysayers already, with their nasally tones and their hearty mouth breathing, “But James, you should just use a Kleenex instead! It’s gross!” Well, first off, you should finish chewing your food before you start speaking to me, and secondly, I am not blessed in a world filled with napkins within arm’s reach. I’m only human and sometimes I sneeze unexpectedly. I am not alone in this. As for it being gross, what’s more disgusting, blowing your nose into a Kleenex and having it get ripped through and not washing your hands (because let’s face the facts, you’re probably not going to) or sneezing into something that’s actually going to stop and contain the blast, before folding it back up and placing it neatly into a pocket? Alright, admittedly, neither of those are ideal, but the idea that the handkerchief is this foppish Petri dish is rather ridiculous. You’re going to sneeze anyway so you might as well have some semblance of preparation. So, there you have it, the handkerchief. Cheap, clean, reliable, and it’s a fun little accessory a man can wear without signaling to certain communities exactly what it is you’re game for. I mean, unless, of course, you are.

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12 APRIL 2010

CREATIVE ARTS The Drunken Boat

(Le Bateau Ivre) ARTHUR RIMBAUD

TRANSLATED BY ALEXANDRE RODALLEC UNION STAFFER

As I floated down on Rivers of no care, I felt myself no longer steered by the haulers: Some gaudy red skins had taken them for targets, Having nailed them naked to the coloured stakes. I was unconcerned for all the boat crews, Bearers of Flemish wheat or of English cottons. When with my haulers these uproars ended, The Rivers let me float down where I wanted.

I’ve followed, for full months, alike the fits Of hysteria, the swell assault the reefs, Never dreaming the luminous feet of the Marys Could force the muzzle of the wheezing Oceans! I have struck, you should know, incredible Floridas Where blend with the blooms eyes of panthers with the skin Of men! And rainbows stretch out just like bridles Neath the seas horizon, to whole murky herds!

In the furious rippings of the tides, I, last winter, deafer than the brains of children I ran! And the Peninsulas unmoored Never suffered pandemonium more triumphant.

Free, smoking, risen from violet mists, I, who pierced the sky reddening like a wall That bears, exquisite jams to the good poets, And Lichens of sun and snots of azure;

Sweeter than the flesh of sour apples to children, The green water penetrated my pine wood hull And of the bluish stains of wine and the vomit Washed me, scattering both rudder and anchor.

Who ran, speckled with electric half-moons, A crazy plank, black seahorses for escort, When the Julys were crumbling with their cudgel blows Ultramarine skies into the burning funnels;

And from then on, I bathed myself in the Poem Of the Sea, infused of stars, and lactescent, Devouring the azures green; where pallid flotsam And entranced, a drowned man, dreaming, sometimes sinks:

I who trembled, feeling groan, fifty leagues afar, The rut of the Behemoths and the dense Maelstroms, Eternal spinner of the blue immobilities, How I miss Europe with its ancient parapets!

Where, go out all at once bluenesses, deliriums And rhythms slow beneath the glimmerings of day, Stronger than alcohol, vaster than our songs, The bitter rednesses of Love are seething!

I’ve seen the low sun, stained by mystic horrors, Illuminate long clots of violet, And like the actors of some very ancient plays The waves rolling afar their quivers of Venetian blinds! I‘ve dreamt the green night with its dazzled snows, Kiss rising to the eyes of the seas so slowly, The circulation of the saps undreamed of, And the blue and yellow waking of the singing phosphors!

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Almost an island, tossing on my boards the quarrels And the droppings of blond-eyed, clamouring birds. And I was scudding, when through my cordage strands The drowned sank down to sleep, still staring up! Now I, lost boat under the hairs of coves, Thrown by the hurricane into the bird-less ether, I, who the monitors and Hansa sail ships never would fish up, a wreck all drunk with water;

The storm it blessed my sea borne awakenings. And lighter than a cork I danced upon the waves That they call eternal rollers of victims, Ten nights, not missing the stupid eye of lanterns!

I know the heavens pierced by lightning, the waterspouts And the breaks and the currents: I know the evening, The dawn exalted like a nation-flock of doves, And I have seen sometimes what man has thought to see!

Sometimes, martyr, weary of poles and zones, The sea by whose sobs my rollings softened Lifted to’ard me its shadow blooms with yellow cups And I stayed, like a woman on her knees…

I’ve seen starry archipelagos, and islands Whose delirious skies are open to who scuds: — Is it in these bottomless nights you sleep and hide, million golden birds, O future vigour? —

I’ve seen ferment the enormous swamps, nets Where rots in the reeds a whole Leviathan! Downpours of waters in the midst of the calms, And the far ones fall and crash down the Abysses!

But, true, I’ve cried too much! The dawns are heartbreaking. All moon’s atrocious and all sun’s so bitter: Acrid love has filled me with its heady torpors. O that my keel split! O that the sea take me!

Glaciers, suns of silver, pearly waves, cinder skies! Hideous shipwrecks on the brown gulf floors Where the giant serpents, by bugs devoured fall, like twisted trees, with their black odours!

If I yearn for a water of Europe, it’s the pool, Black and cold, where by the scented twilight A cowering child, full of sadness, lets A frail boat go, like a butterfly of May.

I would’ve liked to show the children these sea breams Of the blue surf, these golden fishes, these singing fishes. — Foams of flowers have lulled my driftings And celestial winds some moments gave me wings.

I could no longer, bathed in your languors, O swells, Trail in the wake of the carriers of cotton, Nor pass thru the pride of flags and pennants, Nor live under the horrid eyes of the hulks.

COMICS Forgotten Fall by Jeff Chang

Koo Koo and Luke by Jesse Blake

Drunken Penguin Presents by James Kislingbury

jeff.chang.art@gmail.com

www.funatronics.com/kookoo

penguin.incarnate@gmail.com

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

Across 1- Lacks 6- Radar screen element 10- Culture medium 14- Milo of “The Verdict” 15- Yorkshire river 16- Sea eagle 17- Pub perch 18- Before long 19- Anger 20- Shoebox letters 21- Freed 24- Collection of weaponry 26- Spuds 27- T.G.I.F. part 28- View 30- Ages 33- Lobster state 34- A Kennedy 37- Beatty and Rorem 38- Person of exceptional holiness 39- Overgrown with ivy 40- Tina’s ex 41- Appraise 42- The house of a parson 43- Orchestra string 44- Affirmative answer

45- Steep bank under a rampart 48- Canoe trip job 52- Utter defeat 55- Campaigned 56- Author Morrison 57- Peter Fonda title role 58- That is, in Latin 60- Chow 61- Lecherous look 62- Saltpeter 63- Additional 64- Possesses 65- Farm birds Down 1- Old Testament book 2- Fall bloomer 3- Clogs, e.g. 4- Classical beginning 5- Abilities 6- Basic 7- Hero 8- Camaro model 9- Contrite 10- Add fizz 11- Rasp 12- Ire 13- Orchestra section 22- Barker and Bell 23- Sheet of stamps 25- Half of zwei

28- Goatlike antelope 29- Motion picture 30- Black bird 31- A mouse! 32- Form of poem, often used to praise something 33- Heavy hammer 34- Like some ears 35- Nav. officer 36- Coloring material 38- Brazil’s largest city 39- Immense 41- Female child 42- Convergent 43- Suitcase 44- Hither’s partner 45- Lauder of cosmetics 46- Sand bar 47- Small change 48- Wharves 49- Aggregate of qualities that make good character 50- Tenuous substances 51- ___ nous 53- Skein of thread 54- Sharp 59- Become an exparrot?

What goes on?

CraBBy Times by JANTZEN Peake

e-mail editor Victor Camba: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or drop off comments at the Student Union Office 239

ANSWERS

UNION WEEKLY

12 APRIL 2010

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Death boner. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com

“Fuck Ferris Bueller. He was a pussy.”

Volume 66 Issue 9

Monday, April 12th, 2010

Poor Fraternity Receives Federal Funding to Build Brojects

I’m Pretty Sure I Could Win Dancing with the Stars OP-ED BY GERARD BUTLER

BY SOPHISTICATED BEAR Wa s h i n g t o n , CA - In an attempt to save the destitute fraternity brothers of our nation, Senator Brad “The Chad” Chaddington of the Lemon Party went in front of Congress last Tuesday and successfully gained funding for Brojects to be built in “low rent” communities. Chaddington had this to say after pounding a Natty Ice on the steps of Congress, “Listen up queefs! I am now talking! For too long have my brothers had to bang grossies just for the sake of having a bed to sleep in at night. This time has ended! You now have your Bangtuary my boys!” He then slapped me in the balls. Chaddington, a long-time member of the OCC chapter of Feta Gouda Mozza, has been a staunch supporter of fledgling brotherhoods nationwide since his early days as a politician, having founded the organization Homes Before Bros. The first of these Brojects to house poor frats, deemed “Shangribrah,” has already been built near UC Oceanside. One frat brother, Jayshua Huntress Beetsvimmen, 22, offered to comment in between doing donuts in front of a Kohl’s, “Ya know, me and the dudes of Feta haven’t had this kind of support since people

LBUNION.COM

Thanks to federal funding, frats like the one above can destroy houses that are already piles of shit.

used to pay us to punch each other for money. But you know, sometimes fight clubs break up. All it takes is one pinkie slipping into one butthole in the middle of a sweaty brawl and all of a sudden...[teary eyed] that’s it. It was an accident!” Beetsvimmen died that night, becoming the first drunk driver to kill himself without hurting another person. He donated his body to Mythbusters. Each new Broject frat house has been built entirely of recycled bottles, cans, styrofoam and Haitian

rubble with generous support from Home Depot, providing many of the laborers. At the housewarming party of one Broject, local CSULB frat member Mitchell “K-Dawg” Clavatchee offered these words of advice, “Look, we’ve all got goals—STEVE! You stinky buttertwat! If you grab one of my beers without asking again I’m gonna have Gayshua put his pinkie in your butthole!” Clavatchee then peed on a girl passed out in a jacuzzi.

Oy! Gerard ‘ere! Hey mate, I don’t want to get all up in your grill about this, but don’t talk to me about no damn dancing, m’kay? Every fooking year I apply to be on Dancing with the Stars and every fooking year they turn me down. I know I’m not ABC’s The Bachelor or nothing, but I can cut some damn rug! You see that they got Buzz Aldrin on that fooking show? Buzz Aldrin!? What’s that guy, like a thousand years old? COME ON! Throw Butler a friggin’ bone, will ye? I bet you didn’t know I studied Dance in college, did you? Shite yeah I did. It’s like the essence of all human interaction. Seriously, is there anything more primal than workin’ the Argentinian

Tango with a thick-hipped stewardess? Seriously, I won a Latin Grammy in 2004. Oh, I know. You just thought I was some dumb actor who takes his shirt off and grooms his stubble. Well, ye couldn’t be more wrong, friend. See this? This is my Sam’s Club membership. You can’t beat them savings. Look here, that’s a picture of my pet iguana that I named Iggy. Did I just smash a stereotype? I think I did. Are you’re preconceptions smashed? I think I they are. But honestly, let’s not get off-topic. I’m a movie star. I’ve gotten some big roles. Real Big Roles. Did you see Gamer? I know it looked like a mindless shoot-em-up, but it was actually a deeply satirical commentary on mass-media culture and exploitative industry, ye fat, stupid twat. So why can’t I get on this damn dance competition? Ye know what, I bet they’re scared of me. They know I’d mop the floor with those hasbeen fooks. It wouldn’t even be close. Whatever, I don’t really even want to be on that stupid show. Because that’s what it is, stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

INSIDE

6’2” Woman Goes on Rampage in City Chicago, IL - After a heady mixture of Adderall and Sex on the Beach, area woman Gertrude Barnes, 33, exploded on a violent path of destruction following the break-up announcement of her now 5’7” ex-boyfriend Paul Gleason, 35. According to the police report, Banes waited inside Gleason’s apartment before pouncing on Gleason with all her girth. “When she dunked on me, I knew it was over,” says Gleason. “This is exactly why I broke up with that freak. The only thing she was good at was putting the star on top of the Christmas tree every year.

Oh no! Now who’s gonna do it?” Barnes then ran out the door, halfnude, with her soiled feminine hygienic product in hand and walked into oncoming traffic screaming random obscenities at everything with a phallus. Punching cars and slapping tourists, the rampaging Barnes seemed unstoppable. Police were called in when Barnes began to scale the historic Chrysler building, but after a two-hour stand off, was brought down by a single propeller Sopwith Camels. PAGE 6F2

Gay Babies? Gaybies? These Babies are Goo Goo for Gay Gay! Who’s a smart group of scientists? Who’s a bunch of smarty-pants? The scientists at John Hopkins University are. Yes! They! Are! They conducted a whole bunch of very, very complicated experiments, discovering that some babies are definitely gay [gaybies]. And they did it all by themselves! In a 71 month study that involved 300 little ones from all over the great, big United States of America, the team monitored varying degrees of interest in

the act of breast feeding, in relation to the adorable papoose’s sex. The widdle guys were placed in the care of wet nurses, who were not the babies’ mommies. Researchers found that some iddybiddy boys avoided the breasts alltogether, preferring formula… some little iddy-biddy baby girls liked breasts a little too much, while other iddybiddy babies thought breast feeding was juuuuuust right. PAGE DIQ