67.03

ISSUE 67.03 KEVIN O’BRIEN Editor-in-Chief

KEVIN-SENT

ANDY KNEIS

Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

Managing Editor

CHELSEA STEVENS

A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Opinions Editor

NOAH KELLY

Campus Director

KEVIN O’BRIEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

T

he second week of school had come to an end and my books had not left the trunk of my car. My responsibilities at home and at school stood in my mind as a repeating series of narrowly-spaced walls.

For four days I became absorbed in my own dilemmas, particularly my academic ones. My friends suffered my presence in their houses and at their dinner tables as I sat like a tall sack of hardened shit.

I let the neglected readings and the mounting papers weigh me down but after some thought and good advice I gained a little perspective. Life is not school. School is important and it can certainly pay dividends in the end but we should not devote so much focus on our studies that we forget our greater responsibilities.

Notes can be copied, papers can be turned in late and classes can be repeated but these luxuries do not exist in life. You have to make time for the people and things in your life that cannot be quantified by a letter grade. The next day should be enough of an incentive. It’s too easy for us to marginalize our extracurricular efforts when there is not a grade point average or a scholarship in the balance but they are just as important.

This week the Union Weekly features a specific extracurricular activity, sex. It’s a guide by girls for guys about how to go from not having sex to having sex. They have written it for any intention, whether it be a one-night stand, a purely physical friendship, or a totally legitimate relationship. Enjoy it and any pussy that may come of it.

Below is a letter I received earlier this week. It’s a negative, nostalgic, and very emotional reaction to our first issue but just as valid as any other opinion.

What the fuck are you doing to this newspaper? I use that term incredibly lightly, I might add. A brief rundown of the articles in the season premiere of volume 67:

UNION WEEKLY

13 SEPTEMBER 2010

KATY PARKER 1) New, unfunny editor that takes this publication a bit too seriously 2) Article discussing how great the newspaper you’re holding and those who write it are 3) Girl writes article in lieu of her LiveJournal 4) Homosexual intends to give advice to women on the way straight guys think. It’s not like guys are different or anything. All of us straight, red blooded men all work with a collective hive mind. Worse yet, where the hell is the sass?

5) Relationship bullshit and unfunny fluff piece.

6) TWO WHOLE PAGES DEDICATED TO THE CAMPUS. HOLY SHIT. Freshman pandering and Ahumada propaganda.

7) Main article consists of everyone on the staff getting together and talking about their favorite places to hang. This conversation was then dictated and roughly translated to text.

8) By now, I’ve lost all will to complain with any rational reasoning.

Pro-aunt agenda, then three whole pages of hipster trash. Like, obscenely hipster. Bookstores? Veganism?

This was the first thing to make me laugh the entire issue.

9) The comics were never funny.

NEVER. 10) Grunion is no longer upside down, funny. More news at 11:00.

So there you have it. Ten things. Ten things that suck. Way to go gang. This publication used to be readable. It was like Bugs Bunny. Not afraid to go over the line, tell an inappropriate joke, make an ass out of himself, or even cross dress.

Now it’s fucking Mickey Mouse. Here’s a scoop for you: no one likes Mickey! He’s a corporate clown!

In short: it’s stupid, it sucks, and I hate it.

Yours ragingly, An enraged reader I’m pleased to see you noticed all the changes I worked so hard to put into ac-

tion. While I could spend the time and effort attempting to refute each of your contentions, I fail to see the point. All I can say is that if you don’t like what you are reading in the Union Weekly then you should write something that you would want to read and submit it. If that happens to be a pathetic and nostalgic letter concluded with an outdated and confusing metaphor then your work is done. Try not to take this response or the total lack of action that will be taken by my staff and I in response to your letter as a “fuck you” but more of a “fuck it.” But really, fuck you.

Welcome back to campus. Per my usual Monday morning routine, I picked up the Union this morning, excited about what the new Fall edition had in store for me…I was not disappointed. The witty banter, the satire, the social commentary, the intellectualism…it gets me every week. So kudos on the first issue, and the success of it… at least in my mind. I look forward to further issues, and know that if this issue is any indicator of issues to come, then I will not be disappointed…

Dedicated Unionite, Shannon Couey Thanks Shannon. Heres a list of ten things I like about your letter: 1. It’s positive.

2. It’s specific.

3. It’s contextualized.

4. It’s public.

5. It doesn’t make me want to pour hot sewage down your throat.

6. It doesn’t give me a rage boner.

7. And four others.

Ask Away!

Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? First make a fake email address then send them to the editor at kevinob.union@gmail.com!

Literature Editor

kevinob.union@gmail.com andyk.union@gmail.com clay.union@gmail.com chelsea.union@gmail.com noah.union@gmail.com katy.union@gmail.com

MARCO BELTRAN

marcob.union@gmail.com

SIMONE HARRISON

simone.union@gmail.com

Entertainment Editor & PR Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA Comics Editor

cfab.union@gmail.com

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN merm.union@gmail.com Culture Editor

JEFF BRIDGES

jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

clay.union@gmail.com

Actor, Grunion Editor

Art Director/Cover

JEFF CHANG

Head Illustrator

jeff.chang.art@gmail.com

CHRIS FABELA

On-Campus Distribution

ANDY KNEIS Web Editor

MARCO BELTRAN

Advertising Executive

marcob.union@gmail.com

Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, SEAN BOULGER, VICTOR CAMBA, BRIAN NEWHARD, PARKER CHALMERS, MATTHEW PALOZZI, MAY ZIMMERMAN, COLLEEN BROWN, MATTHEW TOWLES, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, LUKE PERINE, JAMIE KARSON, LILY SEGURA, FOLASHADE ALFORD, ELISA TANAKA, JOHN HERRERA, OMAR ZAHZAH, LUCY NGUYEN, DEVIN O’NEIL, CONNOR O’BRIEN, STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ, ANNA KOZLOWSKI, KEENAN MACINNES, JOE HAUSER, SOPHI MAISE, NICHOLE DANIELS, AARON KOSAKA, STEPHANIE PEREZ, JEFF BAER, DEREK KOSKO, MARCOS BARRON, COREY LEIS, LANDON DAVAULT, JOE HAUSER, GABE FERREIRA, P.J KNEISEL, CHEYENNE DAY, STEVE BESSETTE, MARY FUHRMAN, P.J KNEISEL, RACHELE FRIEDLAND, DEVON GIEHI, LEO PORTUGAL, LUKE PERINE

Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication.

However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length.

The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

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OPINIONS

SEX STORIES STUDENTS’ SEXY STORIES ON DOING IT

SOAR IN THE BEDROOM STEVE BESSETTE

A

CONTRIBUTOR

ny movie or TV show that projects college as being a wild sexapalooza, where it’s common to find a yellow necktie on your doorknob meaning, “Don’t come in, Bra, I’m totally bangin’ that one chick I copied Psych notes from,” is way off. Being a freshman, I’ve only been here at Long Beach for about two weeks and I can already tell that college is a far cry from that. Although I’m sure some sexual hijinks will arise nearby soon, I have indeed already had my first ridiculous sexual experience worth noting, though I wasn’t engaged in the sexing. It happened during this summer at the overnight SOAR, my first night as a college kid. Here’s what went down: It’s approximately 11:30pm, I’m in my

room, minding my own stinking business, and in walks my temporary roommate, who we’ll call DB. I had just met him that morning and already was getting sick, thinking about how I’m not going to find any cool friends because the only person who will talk to me is this arrogantly selfaware asshole.

He walks to the back of the room, stressing, pacing, finally he blurts out, “Steve, would you fuck a black chick?”

Needless to say, I felt several lines were being crossed with that question alone.

He told me some girl had come up to him earlier and offered him a little somethingsomething. DB asked if it would be okay if he sent her roommate into our room while the bidness was goin’ on. I said I didn’t

FIRST TIME FAILURE MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

I’ve always been terrible when it came to “my first” anything. Maybe it’s because I have terrible luck or because I find terrible things, like animal cruelty or gore, hilarious.

(Is it a crime to have a little levity in these situations? It’s not like I punch a dog just to make myself laugh. That would be crazy! It’s just that the moment I see something like the process of making Foie Gras in ducks, with the metal pole shoved into their throats repeatedly, my brain turns what I’m watching into a cartoon where the duck puts a napkin on his lap and asks for more after the feeding. That is kind of fucked up now that I think about it. Oh well.)

It doesn’t matter what it is; first impressions, first dates, first attempt at taking quarters from a fountain, they all end terribly. The first time I held hands with my middle school girlfriend on the lunch benches, staring deeply into her eyes and stroking her hand just like I saw Patrick Swayze do to Demi Moore in Ghost when Patrick Swayze’s ghost possessed Whoopi Goldberg’s body and they made-out, a seagull flew right over my head and took the biggest shit on my shoulder. My sweetheart’s face changed from loving gaze to terror as she

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13 SEPTEMBER 2010

care, mostly because I didn’t believe this would actually happen. He took his shirt off, replaced it with a tank top to show off his “muscles,” and waltzed out.

Cut to around 12:45am. I’m on the brink of falling into a comfortable sleep when DB bursts into the room and shakes me, “Steve! Steve! Are you awake?” In essence, what he asked me next was to be a good pal and go into a different room while he used ours for the potential love making.

Reluctantly, I lift myself out of bed and start walking down the hall, paranoid that a counselor would discover DB’s deed.

The kicker here is he said he wanted about fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes! The first thing that came to mind was, that short?

That doesn’t sound legit at all, dude. After

being patted on the back by some of DB’s stupid ass friends for “being a good guy,” chilling in the back of another dorm with some cool kids for about forty-five minutes, DB comes into the room, not so stoked, and announces I can go back.

I inquired, and of course, he remained in his own pants.

I went back to the room, arranged myself for sleep in bitter frustration, praying that my actual roommate this year would not be DB. So here’s to you, kiddo, you sorry son of a bitch. Thank you for making the first night of college kind of shitty for me, so now I can appreciate my quiet, reserved roommate, while also creating a mockery of you with my high school friends when we compare college stories.

CONDOM ANXIETY STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ UNION STAFFER

let go of my hand and broke up with me two weeks later. The first pet I had, a duck, drowned two hours after I brought it home. I didn’t even get a chance to give it a fucking name.

I wasn’t surprised when my “first time” ended terribly. There is no way to prepare for that. It’s either hilariously brief or awkward.

There’s no middle ground. There’s maybe a brief moment right before it all goes to hell where it feels like you’re doing something right, the five or so seconds before you finish, but no one remembers those.

In my case it was the few seconds before I pushed my girlfriend off and ran into the bathroom thinking that my semen was going to tear through the two condoms we used and impregnate every hole in her body.

I had overestimated thinking that I, like the pornstars from the pornos I had studied so dilligently in attempt to gain visual experience, would have the stamina to fuck like the best. It was already going downhill when we decided to do it on my parents’ bed. But as I was washing the excess semen from my lubecovered hands, watching the water go down the drain, I felt a rush of embarrassment. I’m a piece of shit.

As a cashier at a drugstore the usual routine on Fridays and Saturdays consists of keeping down the line of customers with alcohol-laden carts, and running to the back aisles where the glorious glass door cabinet full of condoms and pregnancy tests are kept. In order for the customer to get a batch of condoms he or she must push some button that connects to the PA system and alerts the cashiers that someone wants some condoms.

This high security of guarding the rubbers is due to lost profit of too many sticky-handed, horny teenagers. It seems as though the ordeal of attaining the condoms is just as nerve wracking as the sex itself. In the many months of my employment I have observed three behavioral patterns that the ashamed soon-to-be-fornicators fall under: the shy quiet ones, the confused ones, and the tools. Nothing is more comical than a young guy blushing because a lady is ringing them up for some condoms.

Whatever type of person is at my check stand I get a kick out of it because the person is either trying too hard to distract me with lame jokes I have heard

too many times before or the pathetic person who thinks that by hiding condoms underneath a heap of random items is the better solution. Ladies and gentleman, a word of advice: you are already having a better night than I am, so don’t be afraid or embarrassed of your purchase. Choose your latex as if you are choosing a pack of cigarettes. You know what kind you like and you damn well know how to smoke them, so apply that same swag to your condom selection.

Here are a few facts to calm your mind. Cashiers don’t remember your face because half the time we don’t even look directly at you. As bad as it sounds, you’re not an individual, you’re the line, and we’re trying to get you out of the store and out of our faces as fast as possible.

We ring up hundreds of people a day with condoms so I am guaranteeing we won’t remember you five seconds from the transaction. Please do not act like a shy puppy dog; be happy, buy your condoms and have a great time with them. It is far better opting for protection than buying that pregnancy test later.

OPINIONS

The Burp is a Lonely Hunter MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

On Mondays and Wednesdays I make the same walk as I have for the last four semesters. I daydream of doing better things in better places, until I lift my head up to see a pretty face. A girl walking by, hair blowing with the breeze, eyes glancing over my way, boobs on parade for the new season, and what does my brain tell my body to do? To ripple up a mouthful of gas.

I try and suppress the burp, but she knows what’s happening. I put up my fist, but she can see my cheek flare up. By the time I let the long pffffffttt out off to my right she’s sped up her pace. And there I am left with another shattered opportunity and a bad taste in my mouth.

I think I’ve got it though, it might be that I’m sucking in my gut. Holding that big bastard back for too long—five, maybe six seconds?—only to be sabotaged by hubris. The gut, a man’s nearest experience to pregnancy, is something I need to abort immediately. I’m registering for the Rec Center on Monday.

Having that extra weight doesn’t help at this time of year, or most times of the year—any day over 50 degrees. But I’m not an armpit sweater. No, my sweating is much more upfront and obvious. I’m a forehead sweater. Even on the warmest—rather, especially on the warmest—of days the rainy cloud that is my forehead looms over my eyes bringing the doom and gloom of

Illustration

JEFF CHANG HEAD ILLUSTRATOR

dripping sweat. I’m blinded as these cockblocking sweat glands drool failure down my big, dumb face. Failed attempts to clear away my liquid undoing serves only to darken and dampen the hairs of the back of my hand and the sleeves of my t-shirt, until I’m smearing sweat against sweat.

On top of all this, I’m a fucking idiot.

Women walk past me on my good days, the days where I’m not sweaty, when I don’t feel like fat poured into shoes, and that’s pretty much all I need to feel good about myself.

I smile. Not a “yeahhhhhh” smile, but a “we’re two human beings who might enjoy each others’ company, if not, let’s just help improve the mood of the day” smile. But what do I get, a slight glance and a quick head turn so I get a good look at the back of her left ear. If her hair’s long enough, maybe I’ll be lucky enough to have it slap me in the face. The spiral goes further downward since I let this bit of bitchery instantly turn the tides of my good mood. I am now shit again. I am an emotionally flatlined slackface for all women to bounce like a quarter off my taut, round belly—taut like a snair drum but round like a barrel.

I am a 6-foot King Kong man who burps when intimidated by a lady.

This college doesn’t need to be a “commuter college.” Next time you’re commuting up and down campus, throw on a smile—or else I might as well be anywhere else.

FUN ISN’T A GOOD ENOUGH REASON COLLEEN BROWN UNION STAFFER

Sex is great. I mean really, who is going to deny that? But the way our society portrays it really detracts from its awesome-ness.

To begin with, there’s this whole idea that you have to lose your virginity as fast as you can once you reach a certain age, usually starting around the time of high school. It’s almost like we’re trying to just get it over with. I don’t know a single person with a spectacular “first time” story. In fact, they always seem to be extremely awkward and embarrassing anecdotes, with the common theme of: what the HELL am I doing?

Then along comes R. Kelly. Once you’ve figured out what goes where and you’re starting to feel pretty confident, his songs show up and just destroy you. He lets

you know straight up that “as soon as yo’ chick go to the bathroom player I’m gon’ holla at her.” He also recommends that you develop a “tight game” because “when I step up to her, I’ma be like Tarzan.” Oh yeah. It’s all there in “I’m a Flirt.”

Music like this implies two things: first, that you’ve got to develop this suave as hell persona to get women, and second, if you do get a woman, you have to sexually compete with the king of the beasts. Cruel evisceration, man. Totally not fair. Now that you have your bearings, you can’t even enjoy sex because you’re too worried that you’re not measuring up to the standards laid out by the radio. Not to mention how inaccurately sex is portrayed in movies.

But by far the most frustrating ideology that our society puts forward to youth

is that “sex is bad, so you shouldn’t have it.” My personal philosophy is that sex is good, so you shouldn’t have it.

Now by saying you shouldn’t have it, I’m not at all referring to strict abstinence.

What I mean is that you shouldn’t have sex with everyone, or just “because.” If sex is really this amazing thing, why would you waste it by just doing it for no reason or with someone you barely know?

Society might be putting pressure on you to use it or lose it, but think about the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin. The look of elation that Andy has after his first five seconds of love makin’ is just unforgettable.

He may have been forty years old, but he had a better and more comfortable first time than most could dream of. And he will forever have positive associations with

sex. I’m obviously not advocating that the best way to go about things is waiting to have sex until you’re middle aged, but making sure you’re ready might be a smart thing to consider.

You shouldn’t have sex just because your friends or the television is saying you should, or because it means you’re ballin’ or whatever. You should be having sex (or not having sex, for that matter) for reasons you’ve decided on and that you’re comfortable with, with a person you’re comfortable with (or hey, maybe just someone you’re in love with! What a thought). If you can make that choice for yourself, when you do have sex you never have to feel bad about it, because you’ve made the choice based on your own values rather than what society dictates.

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13 SEPTEMBER 2010

5

CAMPUS

LONG BEACH GOES 1-1

ONE WIN AND ONE LOSS FOR THE 49ERS DURING MIZUNO TOURNEY KEENAN MACINNES CONTRIBUTOR

T

Janisa Johnson slips a kill past the San Diego Toreros during Friday’s loss.

his weekend the Pyramid was host to the Long Beach State Mizuno Invitational Tournament, where the San Diego Toreros and the Virginia Cavaliers would face off against the 49ers in a best of three non-conference tourney.

Friday was the first game for Long Beach State Women’s Volleyball against San Diego in the Long Beach State Mizuno Invitational.

Watching these Amazonian girls play is both entrancing and awkwardly emasculating. Which isn’t a bad thing. Girls get a lot of shit for their sports, but there is nothing to laugh about with women’s volleyball. Considering the nonstop action, hard dives, and big spikes, volleyball is extreme, at least for me.

The first set went to Long Beach 25-21, with most kills by junior Caitlin Ledoux. San Diego didn’t let it go too easily, putting up a fierce fight. There were plenty

Photos

CONNOR O’BRIEN UNION STAFFER

of good plays on both sides, it was uncertain how the rest of the game would go. The set was locked in with a spectacular ace by Laura Schuck.

San Diego stepped up their game, winning the second set 2521. The momentum that was driving Long Beach in the last set was falling away. The Toreros made like a wall and began capitalizing on their blocks. Janisa Johnson and Ashley Lee acquired a number of good points, but it was only enough to chase San Diego.

The third set went yet again to San Diego. Long Beach managed to exploit a weaker defense in San Diego’s backcourt, but that wasn’t enough to keep the Toreros at bay. Ashley Lee yet again kept Long Beach on top pushing them into the lead twice, but the Toreros quickly shaped up and took it for themselves. San Diego closed the set with three consecutive points, finishing 25-22.

The fourth set was when the anxiety really took hold. It became evident that both teams were evenly matched. At one point, a San Diego player even kicked the ball after losing a particularly long volley. It seemed they expected Long Beach to let this game go easily. Caitlin Ledoux once again led the 49ers with a few more excellent kills, along with many significant assists by Ashley Lee. Long Beach managed to make a slight three-point comeback with the help of freshman Ashley Vazquez, but it wasn’t enough.

San Diego secured the win 25-21.

Long Beach came back with a vengeance for game 2 of the Mizuno Tournament against Virginia.

With Janisa Johnson leading the way with almost twice the number of points as her other teammates, Long Beach closed out all three sets with only the first being close to a match for the 49ers.

LET’S GET DIGITAL

DIGITAL BOOKS PROGRAM CAN SAVE STUDENTS HUNDREDS MARY FUHRMAN CONTRIBUTOR

Everything has some new-fangled digital spin on it as of late, and with the Digital Marketplace, textbooks are no exception. This year with the pilot program, the Digital Marketplace, the CSU system creates a place where both professors and students will have access to textbooks without paying an obscene amount of money, all while doing it over the internet.

Before, to get textbooks, it was either sucking it up and paying whatever the University Bookstore asks for, or searching all over Amazon/Chegg/whichever website displays the cheapest price on Google Shopping; and each of these options have their problems to deal with. If you do pay that retail price for your ten-pound Philosophy book, it must feel like you’ve just lost a kidney (I wouldn’t know, I’ve never spent more than $100 on any book, as I choose the internet approach). But if you do as I do and look online, finding each textbook in the right edition and volume can UNION WEEKLY

13 SEPTEMBER 2010

be a strenuous process. Even after all the time spent surfing the digital bookshelves, mistakes on the technicalities can still occur. For instance, I bought my Geography book on Amazon a week before classes, only to find out on the first day that the edition I have will be completely useless.

Now though, there is the Digital Marketplace. Through the DM, professors can choose high-end books without having to make their students pay enormous amounts of money. “The purpose of the Digital Marketplace is to provide everyone access to quality, affordable educational content.

This is a wonderful example of an academic institution and publishers working together for the benefit of our students,” said Gerald L. Hanley PhD., Senior Director of Academic Technology Services for the CSU. The Digital Marketplace is based off license cards which students can buy in the University Bookstore, although, at a highly reduced price than the hardcover versions.

“The prices depend on the specific cost of the text being used. As an example, a printed math text may cost $235 retail but students in the pilot program will only pay $94 for the digital license. Students in the program will save 65 percent off the suggested retail price,” says Eric Fallis, the media contact for the CSU system.

The license you purchase will give you the textbook in an easy to download digital state. “Students can choose to download to their existing e-reader devices including iPad, iPhone, etc., as well as laptops and desktops,” said Fallis. However, the Get It Now system of the program allows students to buy the books online, with ease and efficiency. Instead of searching the internet for the cheapest prices, which could result in the wrong volume or edition or a number of other vapid mess-ups, you can find and buy the book (at the best price) that your professor chose, all in one place.

The program was designed by the

CSU System and was piloted just this fall semester, on Long Beach campus as well as at four others: Dominguez Hills, Fullerton, San Bernardino, and San Francisco. Around 32 courses and an average 4,000 students were able to participate this semester but it is estimated that those numbers will rise for the spring semester.

The only way to participate in the Digital Marketplace is to take a class with one of the professors who are currently participating with the program. This fall semester there were six staff members who took part in the program from various departments; they belong to the Math, Psychology, and Poly Sci departments.

According to Rick Gloady, of the CSULB Office of Public Affairs, currently, it is unknown who will join these six professors next semester. All of the professors who use the DM do so on a volunteer basis so any professor could find their way into the Digital Marketplace for next semester.

CAMPUS

UNVEILING MISCONCEPTIONS AUDIO / VISUAL ART INSTALLATION AIMS TO DISPELL RUMORS NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR

Open in the Gatov Gallery West right now is a new installation from Jeff Chang and Vivi Fitriani. The exhibit revolves around the controversial and oft-maligned Muslim headscarf, otherwise known as the hijab. Jeff Chang and Vivi Fitriani want viewers to come in with an open mind, and their exhibit couldn’t come at a better time.

Jeff and Vivi have created what they call an “interactive art experience.” Centered in the Gatov West is a canvas box with which Jeff ’s gorgeously drawn and beautifully animated art is displayed, all the while an audio overlay tells the story from the intimate perspective of a woman who chooses to wear her hijab. Via projectors mounted on each wall are facts and blurbs that are relevant to the story being told. This clean and crisp installation combines visual art, audio and concrete information taken from months of research into a completely immersive environment.

What this experience truly delivers is an

intimate setting and knowledge of a subject most people are either unfamiliar with, or filled to the brim with misconceptions. And right now this exhibit has come about in a particularly relevant time and place. With the Muslim Community Center, Park51, the stabbing of a Muslim cab driver and last year’s French ban of the burka (another style of headscarf), this exhibit aims to dispell the rumors surrounding the hijab.

Jeff and Vivi knew they had to bring something very unique to the table when they first conceptualized the installation.

To accomplish their goal of bringing about awareness without judgment, especially on such a politically infused topic, they knew they had to do something that combined both the subjective and the objective. On a loop, runs approximately 12 minutes of audio storytelling, which Jeff has done the animated illustration to accompany it, to give the viewer the subjective, personal nar-

rative of three Muslim-American women.

On the walls are facts that can be entirely surprising to some viewers, depending on their knowledge, or lack thereof. Facts such as how many women wear the hijab in countries that have no laws in regards to forced wearing of the scarf, or how many Muslims identify as either Americans, or Muslims (despite the two not being mutually exclusive) are insightful and poignantly placed to follow along with the audio track.

Among some of the experiences these women talk about are their regular everyday interactions, be it with a cowboy who asks why one woman wears her headscarf, or with a group of petulant kids who ask a woman if she’s related to Saddam Hussein. But with Jeff and Vivi’s efforts, they have blended together creative storytelling and journalism into one enveloping art experience that will leave viewers definitively changed from when they walked into the gallery.

Though the most recent events, such as Park51 and the stabbing, were entirely coincidental to the creation of the installation, the entire art experience from the visual and audio narrative and the illuminating facts is completely relevant and timely in this current cultural climate. Go check out Jeff and Vivi’s exhibit on the Gatov Gallery West, nestled right by the Fine Arts buildings, but please, check your (mis)conceptions at the door, and allow yourself to be taken in by a truly unique art experience.

The exhibit will be taken down on Thursday, so there isn’t much time, but every student has 12 minutes to spare, be it between your poorly spaced out schedule, or after you’ve finished your meager half-day on campus, so make it your goal to be enlightened about something new. That’s the real college experience.

that include but are not limited to: flag football, ultimate Frisbee, soccer, basketball, and capture the flag. Or, if you like to donate money and eat food, some Greek organizations have spaghetti dinner, all-you-can-eat pancakes, pie nights, Mexican food, and desserts. Beyond sporting and eating events, we all work together to raise money too.

There is an entire week, called Greek Week, where the Greek community raises money for a specific non-profit organization. During this week different sororities and fraternities are paired up and participate in various events. Throughout the week the main goal is to raise the most money for Camp Heartland (a camp for children who are HIV positive). While

doing that we also participate in “penny wars,” can castle competition, Relay For Life, and also “Greek Sing” (a lip-sync/ dance competition). In past years, the Greek community has raised about $10,000 by participating in Greek Week. All of which was donated to Camp Heartland.

I encourage everyone to attend at least one Greek sponsored philanthropy event.

If it’s not for the food, fun, or social aspect, you will at least have donated to a great cause. Each Sorority and Fraternity donate to a different NPO, so feel free to ask around to see if there is one that you’d like to donate to. You might find that you want to become more involved with philanthropy, or maybe even join the Greek system.

YOU CAN ALSO VIEW THEIR WEBSITE WWW.HAYAEXHIBIT.COM FOR MORE INFO

LEAKED GREEK

THERE’S MORE INFO TO GREEK LIFE THAN THE MOVIES RACHELE FRIEDLAND CONTRIBUTOR

This weekend was filled with singing, dancing, clapping, laughing, plenty of conversation, matching outfits, bright colors, and most importantly, big smiles. I’m talking about none other than formal recruitment.

Otherwise known as “rush,” the recruitment process is an intense one. Each sorority on Panhellenic (the counsel that oversees all social sororities) practices for long hours over many weeks to learn how to execute these songs perfectly, all to impress the two hundred some-odd girls who are in turn, trying to impress us. However, before you go making the assumptions that many others do, I’d like to take the time to cut through the bullshit that is the “sorority girl” stereotype.

There are times when I find myself hesi-

tant to tell people that I’m in a sorority. Usually because I always hear “Do they make you drink a lot of alcohol? Do you hate the other sororities? Are all the girls blonde?”

Of course, these stereotypes come from none other than the media. With wonderful shows like Greek and movies such as Sorority Row, I don’t blame people for thinking we’re all crazy bitches. Truth be told, we’re not. It is my hope to break through these rumors. To do so, there is one word that I’d like to focus on that describes all members of the Greek system: Philanthropists.

Each sorority and fraternity hold philanthropic events year-round. We do this, all the time. If you’re interested in sports, keep an eye out for some of the philanthropic events

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SIMONE HARRISON MUSIC EDITOR

KATY PARKER LITERATURE EDITOR

H

CHELSEA STEVENS OPINIONS EDITOR

ere’s a well kept secret: women like to fuck. We might be coy about it, but we want it just as often as you talk about it. Don’t get us wrong: there are a plethora of hurdles to overcome in order for you to reach the hidden temple. But fear not, there are various ways the taboo can be breached.

Until now you’ve relied on your masculine instincts to steer you on your lady quest, but this honest and savvy guide will take you straight to the heart of a woman (and by heart, we mean vagina).

We understand that different needs call for different situations—we’ve got you covered. Whether you’re in search of that one-time carnival ride, someone who will ride you often without strings attached, or your very own woman to make you sandwiches and give you orgasms whenever you please, the steps to reach your goal aren’t as daunting as you think.

You might have misconceptions about women due to the poor examples some have set for you. We’re not all clingy, emotional wrecks who need you to quell our daddy issues, nor are we power-hungry, gonorrhea-ridden sluts who will lift our skirts at the sound of a zipper being undone. We’re admittedly complex, we’ll attest to the fact that PMS is not a myth, and we know our indecisive nature is altogether intolerable at times, but those of you who have tasted the forbidden fruit can vouch for its ability to counteract those setbacks.

There’s no use in wasting your youth on Fleshlights and Porn Hub. You’re a good looking, intelligent, and well-equipped male who has something to offer a girl.

There are far too few of you in this god-forsaken world, so suck it up and get to work.

Brush your teeth, trim your bushes, and take a few hints from us on how to show a lady a good time. So don’t be shy, jump into our guide; pants optional.

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If you’re looking for a one time pants party, you have to choose wisely. Not every girl is emotionally equipped for this type of lovin’. One option would be to find a girl who is newly single. She’s looking for a way to prove her plumbing still works. A common misconception might be that if you just want a quick fuck session then the girl should be dumb and uninteresting. That leaves all of the hot and intelligent girls without any peen.

If you’re strictly looking to get your bone marrowed, then the name of the game is ready and willing, so do some ho shit.

Bars and parties are the only place to look for this kind of nasty. Alcohol obviously helps the situation, but it won’t get you past her boobs. Plan your approach. She should be standing in a group of both guys and girls. If you start talking to her when she’s alone, you’ll just seem like the creep that you really are. The next step and probably most important is to single her out. First, make subtle eye contact with her. That will make it known that you think she’s a pretty lady.

Bring yourself out of that shy man cocoon.

Hos don’t like the reserved types.

Make sure that you do the deed at her place. This promises a smooth departure without compromising her emotions. When you get to her place just get to the fucking no dilly dallying, you don’t want to give her time to really think about it. Don’t be afraid to be aggressive.

Grab her and start making out, she’ll lead the way to the bedroom and to her downstairs mix up.

There is nothing more unattractive than a sweaty, obnoxious ass clown trying to bed you. When you’re trying to sleep with a girl, stick to the three drink rule. Also, don’t make it known that you’re drunk, your attempts will seem insincere and therefore less desirable. The key here is to subtly hint at what the true goal is, while still seeming interested in what she has to say. If you’re knocking things over and going to the bathroom every ten minutes, you’re not going to get as far as a nip slip. God willing she’ll be far into her fifth drink by the time you come around.

Straight up, this is a one-night stand.

Don’t be afraid to get a little rough or think outside the box; you’re only going to do this chick once, and she might not even remember in the morning. Why hold back when you have nothing to face tomorrow? Tell her to call you daddy or bend her into some less than comfortable positions. Don’t do anything you’d seriously regret later; I know you have a conscience in there somewhere.

When your intention is only to sleep with a girl, what you do after might seem unimportant, but you want to at least come off as a nice guy. When you’re leaving say, “I’m so glad we did this. You’re great in bed and you’re really beautiful.” Kiss her on the head and make your exit swiftly. This will neither lead her on or allude to more things to come.

Most women will not be entirely excited about being rode hard and put away wet.

Be prepared for hurt feelings and a whole lot of crazy. Don’t let this rain on your bone parade though, women seem to put a price on their vaginas and consider it a privilege to storm their castles. This might be confusing for you, but you’re the ones who put the pussy on the pedestal.

Your fuck buddy can be found in the most obvious of places, like the hot chick that always sits a few seats away in your lecture hall and gives you something to do other than pay attention. Girls you meet in class are a good way to practice your flirting skills and learn to keep your relationships shallow and strictly sexual. Besides, if she’s in your class, you have at least two chances a week to see her and work on your moves to keep the sex train chugging. Just a minor disclaimer, make sure the girl you set your eyes on for this endeavor isn’t too uptight; if she thinks sex should only be called “making love” and believes her vagina is a glowing flower of purity, you probably don’t have a shot.

This particularly promiscuous type of friendship is what a lot of guys are looking for, but the conditions in which it is able occur are often rare.

It requires a specific emotional standpoint. So how do you find a girl willing to be your fuck buddy?

Put yourself in the right situation. The perfect specimen is one of those girls who keeps harping about her independence and desire to stay single for a while, but you notice she isn’t having much luck in the random hook-up department. Her desperation can only work to your advantage. Make sure you find her personality at least tolerable, but not too attractive, because you don’t want to get any of those pesky feelings caught up in this mess.

Once you’re lucky enough to run across such a type, flash a little of that hidden charm with compliments and sexy talk, and make your move.

Once she’s ready to let you pack her up and mail her to funky town, make sure you’re ready to give her the time of her life. Confidence, some good dirty talk, and spontaneity are your chief weapons here.

Make her feel hot, like you know what you’re doing, and you could sweep her off her feet for some great lovin’ at any minute. As you’ve received this privilege of fucking a woman with no strings attached, give back to her community with a stellar performance. Boys might not go down on women, but men do. Take your time, do things right, and then rock her world.

Some adventurous positions and attention to detail will make her want to keep coming back for more. Make the sex such a big deal she won’t even miss all the pussy pillow talk you aren’t going to give her after.

Definitely restrict your sexcapades to 10pm or later.

This eliminates the need for any awkward bullshitting beforehand, and gives you just enough time to get in and down to business. A simple text of, “Hey, want to come over and watch a movie?” will more than suffice. If she accepts your invitation, make sure you have a good two hours or so of alone time, and have the couch, your bed, or some blankets on the kitchen floor ready to go. Hopefully, within ten minutes of pressing the start button, you won’t be watching the movie anymore.

The best way to keep your fuck buddy around without allowing things to get too serious, or letting her get away, is to keep your conversations related to the goal at hand.

Don’t abuse or overuse your slam piece, but when you do decide to hit her up, keep the topics mostly to sexting. Maybe tell her what you’re going to do to her later that night or how much it turns you on when you feel her tits. A week is a good amount of time to let her rest between your pillaging; you don’t want to be too needy, but you don’t want to lose your deal by making her think you’ve forgotten about her.

Honestly, finding a functioning couple o’ fuck buddies is a rare occurrence. It’s practically inevitable that either of you will have emotions getting in the way eventually, and once that happens, your best option is probably to jump ship. If it’s your panties getting in a bunch, just suck it up and let her be; women want their space, too. If it’s hers, don’t be too much of a dick, but it’s up to you if you want to keep using that horse or find a new one with less baggage.

This is a girl who you’d enjoy being around even if you weren’t always thinking good thoughts about her nipples and butt and stuff. But you definitely are, so she’s even better. It should be easy for you to talk to this person, and you should genuinely care for her wellbeing. She’s independent, stable, and ready for a relationship. You want to hit it, and then hit it again, and then hit it again, with some good conversation in between. She’s probably a friend of yours already. If she exists for you right now, you know who she is.

Love is patient! Realize that women will not initially throw themselves at you, ever.

If someone ever does, she’s not girlfriend material. That, or you’re a poorly-developed character in a bad vampire novel. As cliché or sexist as it may be, you’ve got to be the harder worker at this point in the process. Make her feel important, rare, and beautiful.

Just don’t be a creep about it. There is a fine line here. Don’t get all Buffalo Bill on her behind and tell her you want to make a bodysuit out of her skin or anything. Just be confident, and be attentive. Make an obvious and active attempt to be alone with her.

Ask her questions, and then listen to her answers. Become interested in her life. Meet her friends. Be patient, not pushy.

Well, here we are. Hopefully, you’re prepared. Perhaps you’ve held out until the third date… smart move! Her anticipation is peaking. You should probably stop reading this and get in there. Some tips… go slow, and let her be in charge of what transpires.

Make every indication that this is great and meaningful to you. It should be clear that you’ve anticipated (but never expected) this for quite a while. Put thought into making her comfortable; don’t you dare try to make this happen in a car, on a couch, or in a shower, you caveman. We’re going for something romantic, exploratory, and significant.

Your lady deserves a date. Many dates. When preparing to woo, you need remember the Four C’s: Coffee, Concert, Cozy Night In, Coital Jubilation.

Grabbing an afternoon coffee will give you a low-key, non-committal environment in which to build the foundation of your relationship. Find a place with art on the walls or ugly customers so that you have something to talk about. Next, look for an engaging, fun activity, such as a concert or art show. If she’s able to show you how good she looks dressed up, she’ll be more likely to strip down in the near future. Finally, offer her a snuggly night in with a home-cooked meal and a movie. If you’ve done everything right, you’re headed straight for Tittytown, at the very least.

Don’t go anywhere. Sleep there next to her, even if you’re crammed into a twin bed. Think of something better to say than “That was soooo good.” After all, you like her more than you liked accosting her vajayjay. Give detailed compliments that are specific to her.

Do not fall asleep if she wants to lie there and talk to you. Kiss, nuzzle, spoon, and talk. Bask in your wellearned glory. Do it again sometime soon!

Don’t go to a movie on your first date. You won’t be able to talk to each other, and you probably won’t enjoy the movie either.

Don’t be coy. If you feel the urge to tell her how you feel, do it. Well-intentioned assertiveness is a sexy thing, and you are too if you’re comfortable expressing emotion.

Don’t immediately give up if she’s giving you mixed signals. A little patience goes a long way. If you can convey to her that you’re consistently kind, generous, and attracted to her, she might make up her mind. Use your judgment, of course. Don’t let anyone exploit you, but don’t give up until you’ve either reached your goal or until she directly shuts you down.

Don’t accidentally make a baby. This can happen during the sex part. Be responsible and realize that if you’re genuinely taking tips from this guide, you shouldn’t be responsible for another human life.

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MUSIC

BUTCH WALKER

AND THE POWER POP KIDS

Y

AARON KOSAKA UNION STAFFER

ou’ve probably heard a Butch Walker song sometime in your life. Remember that “Open Happiness” campaign Coke put out a few years ago? That was him. Or how about that Avril Lavigne song “My Happy Ending” (put your hipster cred away for two seconds, you’ve heard this one and you know it)?

These are all creations of Bradley “Butch” Walker. Walker is a highly sought after producer and songwriter in the pop world, collaborating with singers such as Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry, and Pink. In 2005, Rolling Stone magazine named him Producer of the Year.

After re-reading the bands and singers I namedropped, you’re probably thinking this guy is pretty awful at this point. However, just hear me out. Walker is no newcomer to the music industry, as he dabbled in hair metal in the late eighties with the glam band Southgang. After grunge killed Southgang, he re-entered the music scene with ex-band members Jayce Fincher and Mitch “Slug” McLee to form the indie pop trio the Marvelous 3. When the Marvelous 3 lost support from their record la-

bel, they broke up and Walker ventured onto his solo career.

Walker’s style of music varies from electrifying power-pop (check out “Ponce de Leon Avenue”) to sleazy glam rock (“Hot Girls in Good Moods”) to quiet acoustic tracks (“Be Good Until Then” from his newest). His production is essentially his “day job,” allowing him to experiment with his solo career. Letters and Left of Self-Centered are good general launching pads for new Walker fans as they’re a solid collection of songs and really showcase Walker’s creative palette. The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and Let’s Go Out Tonites! are obvious throwbacks to his glam past, and his recent albums Sycamore Meadows and I Liked You Better When You Had No Heart show introspection and maturity (Sycamore Meadows was recorded in the wake of the Malibu wildfires, where Walker lost everything he owned, including the master recordings to every song he recorded). Walker is an artist who deserves a bit of your time, and who knows? You might find yourself singing along at his next show with me.

DELIGHTED PEOPLE? KEENAN MACINNES UNION STAFFER

After four years since his last major release, Sufjan Stevens has returned from musical exile to surprise us with the All Delight People EP, utterly strange yet hauntingly interesting in its composition. In order to really listen to this album, you really have to sit quietly and let it happen to you. If you are a fan of Sufjan for his soaring orchestral works such as Illinois, and The Avalanche, this album will definitely perplex you in a number of ways. Some say it’s Sufjan returning to the more raw structure of his older albums like Seven Swans, but I just say, “what the fuck.”

It’s not that this album is particularly bad, but it is most definitely not his best. When I first listened to it, I figured Sufjan lost his mind. It was unfamiliar to me and in typical human fashion, what I didn’t understand I did not like. After putting a few more hours into this lengthy EP, I did start to develop some favorites, or at least sections of certain songs that were an oasis of escape from the rest of the auditory confusion that was this album.

“Enchanted Ghost” was a particularly stirring track that was more like the original Sufjan of old, with a soothing electric guitar that enters midway through that really gave me chills.

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piece “Heirloom,” which is my personal favorite. Sufjan’s voice is rich with reverb and echo, accompanied by a running guitar line that is abruptly left hanging at the end.

The strangeness mostly stems from the title track, “All Delighted People,” (including the “classic rock” version), and the album closer “Djohariah.” These extensive opuses could be EPs entirely on their own. The tracks are great if you are not paying attention, otherwise it will be many minutes later when you notice that the same song is still playing. There are so many changes in rhythm, and tone, and they seem almost aimless in their creation. Even now I do not fully comprehend the objective of this addition to Sufjan’s discography. To say that I do would be a hipster lie, because I really don’t. My final judgment is really based on his soon to be released Age of Adz, in October.

Once I hear that album I think I can determine whether this one is just an experimental sidestep or a lead-in to his big comeback.

DELTA SPIRIT

CONTRIBUTOR

LUKE PERINE

RISING HIP-HOP

MUSIC

K.R.I.T

CURREN$Y

FREDDIE GIBBS

Big K.R.I.T released his polished mixtape K.R.I.T. Wuz Here as a free download earlier this year. Complete with hooks, strategically placed guest spots by other buzzed about rappers, and all original production done by K.R.I.T. himself, the tape outlines K.R.I.T.’s struggle with the major labels and the difficulty of getting a deal coming from Mississippi. He shares his angst in the opening of the track “Viktorious” with, “Man, I’m country than a motherfucker, but my lyrical content is crazy. I produce and mix my own beats, what the fuck?!” K.R.I.T. sounds like a young southern traditionalist who channels canonical southern rap acts like UGK into his music to compliment an impassioned and discontented underdog disposition. The K.R.I.T Wuz Here mixtape was good enough to have a re-mastered version released to iTunes, and to earn K.R.I.T. a deal with Def Jam.

Curren$y, Louisiana rapper with a cool monotone-stoner delivery, first drew national attention from hip-hop when he left Master P’s No Limit label as a teenager to sign with Lil’ Wayne’s Young Money. In the two and a half years between Lil’ Wayne’s wildly successful Carter II and Carter III releases, Wayne released an unprecedented slew of mixtapes that Curren$y occasionally appeared on, solidifying his reputation as a talented lyricist. In 2006, Curren$y left Wayne’s label due to setbacks on album production and lack of promotion to independently put out several mixtapes of his own, gaining notoriety and establishing a distinct identity as separate from the Lil’ Wayne brand. His recent official LP released under the BluRoc record label, Pilot Talk has received critical praise from both respected hip-hop and indie music outlets. Pilot Talk II, set to release in November, is rumored to have guest spots from the Wu-Tang Clan’s Raekwon and neosoul godmother Erykah Badu.

“Never switch my style up for anybody/ I’m strictly thuggin’,” Freddie Gibbs raps on his new E.P. Strictly Thuggin’ meant being dropped from Interscope Records before his debut album could be released while more emotionally tinged rap artists like Kid Cudi and Drake were getting deals. After taking a recess from rap, Gibbs returned to release two mixtapes concurrently in 2009. One, The Miseducation of Freddie Gibbs is a compilation of pieces from the Interscope cutting room floor, and the other, midwestgangstaboxframecaddillacmuzik, is 17 tracks he worked on between being dropped in 2007 and mid-2009. A gangster-rap purist, Gibbs is well studied in the sub-genre and technically unrivaled with his delivery, strongly drawing on a Tupac Shakur influence. The Double mixtape release earned him an official EP release on Deacon Records titled Str8 Killa featuring guest verses from southern legend Bun B and a hook from Black Keys’ vocalist Dan Auerbach.

Listen to “Children of the World” from the K.R.I.T. Wuz Here mixtape.

Listen to “Audio Dope II” from the Pilot Talk LP.

Listen to “The National Anthem (Fuck The World)” from the Str8 Killa EP.

SPOTLIGHT ON:

LAZY MARY MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN CULTURE EDITOR

It’s tempting to compare Long Beach’s Lazy Mary to the current rash of so-called “Fuzzy Buzzy” bands, but this two-piece avoids easy categorization at every turn.

The bands debut 7” Crazy Hair (out now on Mountain Man Records) is every bit the kick in the ass we have come to expect from Long Beach bands. At a lean five tracks, Crazy Hair is brilliantly paced from blistering opener “Hangnail” to slow jam “Shiza Minnelli.” Getting from point A to B is a hell of a ride. “Hangnail” is far and away the albums most accessible track, and is getting some airplay in England. The track smashes you right in the eardrum, with the girl’s iconic dual attack of riff-age and some seriously thunderous drumming. “Last Queen” shows the band tackling a more traditional Rock structure, and again the band delivers. The last

half of the EP features the band going back to the aggressive jamming on “Hangnail.”

“Loogy Clap” and “Nazrat” slay so hard that all seeds of doubt are replaced by adoration. As powerful as the instrumentation is throughout the album, it is the vocal work that puts Crazy Hair over the top, from the Kathleen Hannah inspired choruses, to the primal growl that arises during “Hangnail” and “Nazrat,” it is clear that Lazy Mary has “it.” “Shiza Minnelli” is a total curve ball, a completely convincing tuneful slow jam that doesn’t forget the punk spirit. Crazy Hairy is a perfect appetizer to this bands promising career. The record is tight and focused, and shows a band infinitly more polished than you would expect from a debut 7”. Look out for more great stuff from these chicks, and more shit coming outta Long Beach.

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ENTERTAINMENT

MIDNIGHT PARANOIA Stop me from writing this, you zombie asshole MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

Illustration

I

wanted to see Resident Evil: Afterlife, drunk, and write a review about it in an attempt to spark interest in the concept of a drunken review for the Entertainment page again. I ran into a road block this semester because everyone that is willing to write for me is under the age limit, which doesn’t prevent them from drinking in someone’s house, but it does hinder them from being in public places, and I don’t want all my articles to end with “I got arrested and didn’t see the end of the movie.”

I have a feeling that this is the least read column/article in the paper because it doesn’t supply pertinent information about films or filmmaking or even reviews. It’s just more of my personal space to complain about how shitty my life is and talk, briefly, about

Jamie Petrichor Karson

UNION STAFFER

movies that make me laugh. Who wants to hear a guy rant about random things and really gross movies they’ll never get around to watching, anyway?

I don’t mind doing it, but it’s as useless as watching Resident Evil: Afterlife in 3D. I know it’s the future of movies, but why does that movie need the 3D technology? I imagine that is what the Wachowski brothers (siblings, I guess because one of them had a sex change) masturbate to: a guy and girl having sex and someone starts shooting at them, so they decide to jump out the window and continue having sex as they descend toward the concrete below followed by shards of glass, but it’s slowed down so much that you see the speed lines as the guy penetrates the girl. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist yet, but feel free

to email the link to marcob.union@gmail. com if it does.

It supplies nothing to the zombie genre, which has been the case with almost every zombie movie of the last 15 years. While some understand the levels of camp involved in the concept of a zombie movie, they don’t have the multiple layers that make a great or memorable zombie movie. (See the beginning of George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. Don’t judge it by Romero’s recent crap.

Cellular memory? Fuck you!)

Some of them get lost in the biological aspects, like ambiguity regarding rigor mortis (atrophy within the muscles, which goes away after 72 hours) or how to kill a zombie. The most frustrating aspect of almost all American zombie movies is the laziness.

Would it kill you to make up a story as to how people became zombies? I’m expected to believe that everyone just woke up one day and said, “You know what, Maude. I’m going to eat your brains.”

Give me nuclear explosion, plague, voodoo curse, violent death, hell on earth, haunted semen, anything that shows you made an attempt to create some sort of backstory for your zombification premise. Also, if a zombie is working on an instinctual level to feed, wouldn’t it also have the baser instincts to procreate? Wouldn’t a zombie also hunger for what it’s accustomed to eating and not brains and human flesh?

Sorry about going off on a zombie tirade, but it’s all stupid and I guess I’m stupid for liking this stupid stuff. Fuck you all.

You’re Killing Boars to Save the World The underRated storyline of World of warcraft Devon giehl CONTRIBUTOR

So here’s a confession for you: I play World of Warcraft. You’ve probably heard of it. Right now you’re either cringing in pity at my wasted life or internally wondering what server I’m on and where my “loyalties” lie. In answer to the former, fuck you, man, and in answer to the latter, it’s a secret. Playing this game and admitting to it always gets me one of these two reactions, even within the community of gamers as a whole.

That doesn’t sit right. Nerds are supposed to stick together, yet there’s some kind of stigma that running around swinging gravity hammers or successfully destroying a proxy pylon is inherently more

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valuable than earning a pixel horse or killing boars in Elwynn Forest. I’m not saying that it isn’t true: in World of Warcraft, I have definitely spent a lot of time killing boars.

The “grind” aspect is something I’d put on a list of the game’s flaws.

Yet I’ve also spent a lot of time following a damn good story that’s been developing since Warcraft: Orcs and Humans in 1994. The sheer amount of detail put into the world, history, and characters of Warcraft is one of the most overlooked and unappreciated aspects of the game, and with the upcoming Cataclysm expansion, all of it is finally being pushed to the forefront.

I’ve been poking around the Cataclysm beta over the summer (after a period of not playing much at all) and I haven’t been disappointed: in fact, I’m completely enthralled.

Beyond the additions that come with any expansion (new zones, races, graphical overhauls, changes to player classes), we’ve got full-scale war and literally earth-shattering disasters at the center of the story. Characters that I’ve “known” for years have died, others have turned against me.

It’d be hypocritical of me to harp on the narrative punch of the battle of Ostagar in Dragon Age: Origins yet deny that I “got something in my eye” doing a simple quest in Cataclysm that

turns two brothers against each other on the battlefield. Even outside of the gaming world, I can’t say that destruction of the city of Auberdine and the deaths that follow in Warcraft didn’t wrench my gut as much as the aftermath of Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings.

Certainly Warcraft lacks the cinematic quality of other story-driven games, and certainly players must kill a great deal more boars to progress through the story in the first place.

Cataclysm will keep the same Warcraft formula in that regard, for better or for worse, but the writing behind the game­–the multitude of small stories as well as the grand arcs shaped by them–is well worth all of those dead boars.

LITERATURE

TYLER DILTS: CSULB LECTURER, NOVELIST, COOL GUY YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT PROMOTES HIS NEW BOOK

LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER

C

SULB English Professor Tyler Dilts held a reading of A King of Infinite Space, a mystery novel about a hardboiled detective, at the Borders bookstore at the Pike in Long Beach last Friday.

Seats filled up quickly, and it was standing room only, reminding me of the similarlycrowded Union Weekly meeting I had been to just hours before.

I sat in the front row and listened to Dilts read a serious passage from his novel.

I sat there with an assuredly serious look on my face and my arms crossed across my chest. Beyond Dilts, a cute girl stood in the dark just outside the store window, arms crossed across her chest and a mockingly serious look on her face, staring right at me. We both broke into smiles, and she walked away. I could have tried to investigate this pretty lady further, but Dilts was telling tonight’s detective story, not I. Dilts continued with a second passage, which showed a side of the novel’s humor and revealed how vividly the story is set in Long Beach. A King of Infinite Space revolves around detective Danny Beckett’s investigation of the murder of a high school English teacher. “It’s a very thinly veiled Wilson High School,” Dilts said. He focuses on evoking this setting, taking de-

tective Beckett on walks down 2nd Street to various distinct Long Beach spots.

This is a very Long Beach story beyond just the setting. Its origins are deeply rooted in Long Beach. Dilts began writing A King of Infinite Space when he was a graduate student at CSULB earning his Master of Fine Arts degree in creative writing. Years later, after Dilts had became an English professor at CSULB, his office-mate, Paul Tayyar, asked Dilts about his novel manuscript and took it home to read it. Two weeks later, Tayyar told Dilts he wanted to publish it.

Since then, the novel has been picked up by AmazonEncore, and just last week

it received an extremely positive review in the Los Angeles Times. Dilts’ novel now reaches a market far beyond the captive audience of students in his classrooms.

When asked whom he would cast as detective Beckett, Dilts replied, “The Office’s John Krasinski or Rubicon’s James Badge Dale.” And then he added, after the positive review in the Los Angeles Times, he has actually been contacted by production companies about possible screenplay adaptations of his book. “Fingers crossed,” Dilts said.

Dilts is currently working on The Pain Scale, the second novel in his Danny Beckett series. For more information about Ty-

ler and his work and for a recommended soundtrack to the novel, visit tylerdilts. blogspot.com.

DID YOU MISS THIS READING? YOU JERK. MAKE UP FOR IT BY CATCHING TYLER’S NEXT SIGNING AT APOSTROPHE BOOKS ON OCTOBER 2ND, 2:00PM-3:30PM.

UNION WEEKLY

13 SEPTEMBER 2010

CULTURE

2ND FLOOR FOOD ART DRINKS IT’S WORTH BRAVING THE BRO CULTURE

CHEYENNE DAY

B

CONTRIBUTOR

eyond the cliché bars and MILF bar hoppers in my hometown of Huntington Beach, and past that macho, beef of a security guard that stands in front of Gallagher’s Pub with the cutesy name Muffin, is 2nd Floor Food Art Drinks.

I like all of these things, so my compadres and I hike up the dark corridor that resembles Harry Potter’s dorming situation, and already I’ve found art pieces neatly smothering the wall above my view of the stairs. But instead of witches and lookalike Lord of the Rings creatures moving from picture to picture (which would also function as a badass superpower), all of the art canvases are presented as Ed Hardy-esque works.

Thankfully I didn’t see any art with rhinestones, honestly that would have just been annoying. The skulls, snakes, and other rock icons don’t stop either—all of the 2nd Floor is covered in works from various artists in the area and every so often are showcased. Many are even up for sale, although I’m sure as college kids there aren’t any art collectors here.

The OC vibe really reveals itself here; every waiter and waitress shows off bodily art as well, via piercings and tattoos, but they don’t come with the P.O.ed attitudes.

Ask for Sarah Lou, my waitress, who is way hotter than Kat Von D. (and even she would probably be here every weekend if she

knew about this gem). Unlike many servers I’ve experienced, she wasn’t annoyed when she had to divide the bill between seven people. Now that’s service.

The food is what I’m cramming 400 words or so for, so if anything, this is Mex-American fusion food; it didn’t take me long to note that there’s a good amount of bar food when I noted the whole page of sliders.

For $9, you can order the taco trio, a choice of 3 tacos with chicken, carne asada, blackened fish, carnitas, etc. with meaty proteins, and they come with a starter bowl of chips served with some dank guac, sour cream, and spicy pico de gallo.

A few entrees ordered had catchy names like the Nirvana Burger; a jalapeno-cheese bun, with more jalapenos added for more spicy goodness. Or, the Lollapalooza, which ended my night splendidly; a sundae with whipped cream, which I mistook as the ice cream, and a treasure chest of crumbled Oreos and gummy worms drowning in chocolate sauce on the bottom.

Thanks to 2nd Floor, I’m no longer turned off by the crazy tatted peeps at night with bull ring piercings; who knows? They might actually work there.

2nd Floor is located off of Main Street and Walnut Avenue in Huntington Beach, open for breakfast and lunch too!

SMOKE ’EM IF YOU’VE GOT ’EM KOREAN CIGARETTES REVIEWED STEVE BESSETTE CONTRIBUTOR

I don’t smoke cigarettes too often. I tend to get the sudden urge typically after reading some Bukowski, watching Pulp Fiction, or when I self-deprecate enough to label myself as a putrid mush of social excrement, so why not top it off with some tar and tobacco? Now I know for a fact there are people reading this asking, “Why? Why write an article about cigarettes? They’re gross and unhealthy and heart disease and yadda yadda yadda.” Yeah, I get it I know. Honestly, smoking is pretty much a conscious bad decision and in no way am I endorsing the act, but allow me to successfully skirt that issue and quickly move on to my point (nice UNION WEEKLY

13 SEPTEMBER 2010

try though). Recently I developed a particular beef with a particular kind of cigarettes: Korean ones.

Okay, now listen, this isn’t a racial thing, alright? I love Koreans, just as much as the next guy who loves Koreans, except of course for that bespectacled wiseacre Kim Jong Il. This is purely based on the sole aspect of why Korean grits are kind of ridiculous.

The other day I was offered one outside my dorm and since I thought accepting would prove to be an interesting little tid bit of an experience, I took one. First off, they barely look anything like typical American

cigarettes. They’re very long and extremely slim. Ridiculously slim. They looked like something a 15 year-old girl and her friends would smoke at the local mall, while trying to look like Audrey Hepburn knock-offs.

The grit was very light, so light that another guy who had one before me said he took the filter off just to be able to feel it a little. The filter, by the way, is the only cool part of little death stick. They have bamboo in them!

Bitchin’? I know I thought so.

Besides them looking like a goofy take on the world-wide phenomenon that is the cigarette, I wonder how they’re perceived in Korea? Here in books, movies, and any

kind of media, they’re primarily portrayed as badass or severely unhealthy, but mostly through the years, badass. Look at just one example, Tarantino’s movies. Is there one movie of his where there isn’t some cool ass mothafucka smoking a cigarette? Can you imagine Vincent Vega smoking some dinky little chicky looking thing? No, it doesn’t work. When Koreans make their intense crime sagas, are the bad guys smoking these things? Are all Korean grits like these? I don’t know. If you do know, find me and tell me. For now, I’m sorry Korea, your cigarettes suck. Oh…and America too… Smoking’s bad.

COMICS

TERRIBLE TWOS

SHAKABACCA

PJ KNEISEL CONTRIBUTOR

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

KEENAN MACINNES CONTRIBUTOR

YOU’RE STUCK HERE

Illustrations

VICTOR! PERFECTO ENVY OF PEERS

CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR

Across 1- Lacks 6- Radar screen element 10- Culture medium 14- Milo of “The Verdict” 15- Yorkshire river 16- Sea eagle 17- Pub perch 18- Before long 19- Anger 20- Shoebox letters 21- Freed 24- Collection of weaponry 26- Spuds 27- T.G.I.F. part 28- View 30- Ages 33- Lobster state 34- A Kennedy 37- Beatty and Rorem 38- Person of exceptional holiness 39- Overgrown with ivy 40- Tina’s ex 41- Appraise 42- The house of a parson 43- Orchestra string 44- Affirmative answer

45- Steep bank under a rampart 48- Canoe trip job 52- Utter defeat 55- Campaigned 56- Author Morrison 57- Peter Fonda title role 58- That is, in Latin 60- Chow 61- Lecherous look 62- Saltpeter 63- Additional 64- Possesses 65- Farm birds Down 1- Old Testament book 2- Fall bloomer 3- Clogs, e.g.

4- Classical beginning 5- Abilities 6- Basic 7- Hero 8- Camaro model 9- Contrite 10- Add fizz 11- Rasp 12- Ire 13- Orchestra section 22- Barker and Bell 23- Sheet of stamps 25- Half of zwei

28- Goatlike antelope 29- Motion picture 30- Black bird 31- A mouse!

32- Form of poem, often used to praise something 33- Heavy hammer 34- Like some ears 35- Nav. officer 36- Coloring material 38- Brazil’s largest city 39- Immense 41- Female child 42- Convergent 43- Suitcase 44- Hither’s partner 45- Lauder of cosmetics 46- Sand bar 47- Small change 48- Wharves 49- Aggregate of qualities that make good character 50- Tenuous substances 51- ___ nous 53- Skein of thread 54- Sharp 59- Become an exparrot?

ANSWERS

UNION WEEKLY

13 SEPTEMBER 2010

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, kung fus to jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com

jackie chan edition 龍 成

Volume 67 Issue 3 聯盟周刊 數量問題 聯盟周

JACKIE CHAN LOVES DOING STUNTS AND PUNCHES

Monday, September 13th, 2010 請訪問我們的網站在翻譯 LBUNION.COM

James Cameron to Release Rush Hour Shanghai Noon Crossover: RuShangHour

BY 傑夫布里奇斯,

BY TEEJAY DINKLE

演員

After Sophisticated Bear died from piss or something, it has been my goal as Grunion editor and actor to give the people the gruns they want. Look out, hot gruns coming through!

Hot cross gruns. When deciding what the next theme would be, I went down my list of things people love: not swearing, check. Raps, check. The next obvious choice was Jackie Chan.

Everybody loves watching Jackie Chan act a donkey with a ladder or some other prop on the big silver screen. He does joke stunts ,and everyone gets a big thrill and a big laugh, and their miserable lives are drastically improved.

Jackie Chan has a stunt dojo where he trains all of his stunt buddies (stunties) and they have fun stunt parties. If I can be honest with you, this page was partially invented as a way for me to get invited to the stunt dojo.

Maybe a stuntie out there will read it. I want to party with Jackie, and I’ll even

let him listen to the Beach Boys, and I won’t be rude to him like Chris Tucker was. Maybe Chris Tucker will be at the party too and can teach me how to grow a goatee and I’ll do my impression of him and Jackie Chan might do a joke like “I’m seeing double!” We would all laugh at that. You won’t be invited.

I do have a boner to pick with Mr. Chan, though. In all of his movies, he clearly explains that he doesn’t “want trouble,” whenever confronted with a sticky stunt situation. In reality, if he really didn’t get into any trouble, how would he able to do funny stunts that are cool to watch? At first, I thought this was a clear-cut example of Jackie Chan telling a huge lie and doing a sin. Before I called off my potential friendship with him, I thought about it some more. I realized that Jackie was flexing different muscles. Instead of stunt muscles, Jackie was using his buff acting muscles. Bravo, Jackie, you duped us all. I’m still pretty pissed though.

In the highly anticipated follow-up to his smash hit Avatar, James Cameron has announced his next project: he will be teaming up with actor and stuntbuddy Jackie Chan to create the ultimate crossover film. The project, titled RuShangHour, will bridge the gap between the period piece Shanghai Noon, and the more modern film Rush Hour. “I always considered them to be in the same universe. This a natural progression for my career,” said Chan about the film.

The film will follow Chan’s character from Rush Hour as he and Chris Tucker attempt to solve a case of missing Ancient Chinese Time Crystals, only to be ambushed by Yakuza thugs.

Chris Tucker is then kicked in the chin, and he drops the crystals, and they shatter on the floor. The duo is instantly transported to Civil War era United States. After they find their bearings, Chan and Tucker meet Owen Wilson, and the three form a bond due to their shared ancestry and such.

After a brief and stunt filled run-in with the Klu Klux Klan, the multiracial trio of buddies are thrust into battle as Union soldiers. Chris Tucker is heard saying “I can’t believe I went back in time a 150 years for this shiiiit!” Due to a case of mistaken identity, Chris Tucker must pretend he is Abraham Lincoln,

空手道頭箍 空手道頭箍 陳濟是一個很酷的傢伙我喜歡

INSIDE

Jackie Chan and his buddy James Cameron hang out, have a ton of fun together and perhaps plan for a future movie project? Only time will tell…

causing him to yell, “do you understand the words that are coming out of my beard?” The three partners must battle against Confederate president Jefferson Davis and General Robert E. Lee to secure the unity of the nation.

The buddies defeat the Confederates singlehandedly with their stunts and racial humor, then start a new life together in the Reunited States. Jackie Chan is seen teaching the army Kung Fu as a newly-minted general. Chris Tucker is seen teaching blues musicians about rap, and Owen Wilson is seen hitting on attractive, newly-emancipated slave girls.

“I always wanted to work with Jackie and the gang,” said James Cameron about the project. “It’s refreshing to do a movie like this after coming off a big project like Avatar. It’s nice to hang out and have fun with these guys, but the movie has a message, too. It’s about the dangers of racism and the importance of friendship.” James Cameron then ordered his assistant to throw coffee in her own face after getting his order wrong.

“Don’t splash it on my pile of money!

What am I supposed to have gross sex on in between takes? Think!” said Cameron as a single tear fell from his eye.

陳濟是一個很酷的傢伙我喜歡他 詹姆斯卡梅隆化身性別

Jackie Chan Fun Fact Corner In the film Rush Hour, when it is first revealed Jackie Chan’s character, Detective Lee, can speak English, a gong goes “puuoooshhhhhh.” Keep in mind this was during the ‘90s, before people knew that racism was bad.

There are millions more facts out there, but half the fun is finding them on your own!!! Hop to it.

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“I’m Jackie Chan and I endorse these Gruns.” - Jackie Chan (in his heart)

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“EEEEEEEEEEEE” - Chris Tucker PAGE CT5