68.01

ISSUE 68.01 KEVIN O’BRIEN Editor-in-Chief

ANDY KNEIS

Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

Managing Editor

CHELSEA STEVENS Opinions Editor

NOAH KELLY

Campus Director

KATY PARKER Literature Editor

MARCO BELTRAN Entertainment Editor

kevinob.union@gmail.com andyk.union@gmail.com clay.union@gmail.com chelsea.union@gmail.com noah.union@gmail.com katy.union@gmail.com marcob.union@gmail.com

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN merm.union@gmail.com Music Editor

CHRIS FABELA

cfab.union@gmailcom

LEO PORTUGAL

leop.union@gmail.com

Comics Editor Culture Editor

JEFF BRIDGES

jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

clay.union@gmail.com

Actor, Grunion Editor

Art Director/Cover

GABE FERREIRA

Assistant Art Director

gabe.union@gmail.com

JEFF CHANG

jeff.chang.art@gmail.com

CONNOR O’BRIEN

connor.union@gmail.com

Head Illustrator Photo Editor

CHRIS FABELA

On-Campus Distribution

ANDY KNEIS Web Editor

cfab.union@gmail.com andyk.union@gmail.com

Contributors:

MIKE PALLOTTA, PARKER CHALMERS, MATTHEW TOWLES, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, COLLEEN BROWN, FOLASHADE ALFORD, DEVIN O’NEIL, STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ, SOPHI MAISE, STEPHANIE PEREZ, JEFF BAER, COREY LEIS, LANDON DAVAULT, STEVE BESSETTE, MARY FUHRMAN, DEBORAH ROWE, ALLISON O’DELL, JACKIE ROSAS, PATRICK MCNALLY, ADRIENNE SHULTZ, ALISON ERNST, LISA VAN WIJK, JANTZEN PEAKE, RICHARD LEVINSON, NICOLE STREET, JESSICA MEISELS, KELSEY WEHSELS, JACKIE ROSAS, TANNER PARKER, KEVIN JORGE-CRUZ, CHRIS PAGE, MICHAEL IACOUCCI, JILLIAN WOLF, DANIEL PEREZ, VINCENT CHAVEZ, MONICA HOLMES, BRANDON STUHL, CHRISTINA MOTT, SHANE RUSING, KEVIN NICHOLSON, CHELSEA HOBBY, SARA HATAKEYAMA, KATIE BROWN

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication.

However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

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KEVIN-SENT A LETTER LIKE NOTHING ELSE

Photo by Connor O’Brien, Photo Editor To submit photos to be featured in the Union Weekly, send them to connor.union@gmail.com.

KEVIN O’BRIEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

H

ow do we as students know when we have reached our personal limit? The limit, that point at which we can no longer endure the stresses of life and the responsibilities that we accept as university students.

Every student has to live, at least, a dual existence. No student is wholly devoted to his or her studies. I imagine most are like me, locking on the yoke of responsibility early in their college career and slowly acquiring more and more responsibility as time goes on.

This does not need to be a steady process. My first four semesters were relatively light and stress free, even with the physical requirements of a training regime for the rowing team.

However, in my fifth semester I began to feel the weight. My classes became major specific and grew more difficult, while my responsibilities at the Union Weekly grew more serious, and my family began to require more of my time and attention.

At the time, and in the moment, obstacles seem daunting and some insurmountable. However, after the

hours of class, the frantic studying and the blue books of finals, those same obstacles seem distant. With each accomplishment new perspective is gained, and a better and more mature understanding of what real challenge and difficulty is. While this is a process, the conclusion, in my experience has always been that more responsibility and more stress can be taken on.

The question of where my personal limit resides is unanswered. Instead, it is somewhere beyond, a place of more complex tasks, with tighter deadlines and greater consequences.

The consequence of never failing is that one’s personal limit goes unknown and a new decision is necessitated, a decision between using caution and being courageous. One could be overly cautious and continue to succeed to some degree, but risk never reaching the height of one’s potential. Or one could be overly courageous, taking on more and more but risking failure, perhaps at a level of competition that carries real and meaningful consequence.

I have consistently chosen the latter. I figure that now is the time to en-

dure, while my brain and body are still supple and able to absorb the toll. And the former seems like a path that would lead one with a Business degree into a lifetime of management at a CPK, not quite as depressing and emasculating as managing a TGI Fridays, but not by much. The opposite could lead to an equally discouraging fate, a Creative Writing major who places the success of their career squarely on top of the validity of their talent, only to fail after years of toil, to be forced to work at said CPK, or worse.

This is the point where I’m required to put some uplifting message about how none of this matters and we should just try our best and attempt to enjoy every moment of every day. Do not do that. Do whatever it is that you’re going to do and live with the consequences.

Welcome back to school.

Ask Away!

Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? Send them to the editor at kevinob.union@gmail.com!

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

OPINIONS

EAT, EAT, LOVE CURVES ARE NOT THE ENEMY COLLEEN BROWN UNION STAFFER

Illustration

F

ood is one of the reasons I get up in the morning. I love to eat, and I’m not that girl who orders a salad and pretends like it’s a meal. I’m all about juicy burgers, spaghetti, chicken enchiladas, and on occasion, I may go for two helpings of dessert. There’s honestly a part of me that gets excited at the start of every day because my stomach is empty and I have an entire day of eating in front of me. That might sound obsessive, but when you really enjoy something, I don’t see the point in keeping quiet about it. But being a girl, my relationship with food hasn’t always been so splendid.

I grew up in the entertainment industry, and around 15, it suddenly became an issue how my body looked. Puberty hit me like a ton of bricks, and so did my ballet teacher’s comments about how much nicer I’d look if I sucked in all the time. It didn’t have too

much of an effect on me at first, but when you’re standing at an audition shoulderto-shoulder with 20 other dancers who are all equally talented, many times thinner is the winner. Over the course of high school, I definitely became a victim of the “I’m so fat” mindset that seems to plague the female gender.

But eventually, I figured it out: I’m a woman, and I’m supposed to look like one.

Earth-shattering, I know. But women in general really don’t seem to understand this concept. We put ourselves on these stupid diets and insane exercise regimens in hopes that we will become thin, when in reality our expectations of how we should look aren’t always natural. You can blame it on the media or your mom; women seem to be trained to feel crappy about having curves.

And though I’ve struggled with my own body image, I’m extremely fortunate in that

CONNOR O’BRIEN & CHELSEA STEVENS PHOTO EDITOR

I couldn’t be more comfortable with it now.

These days, I’m fine with the fact that I’m not a “skinny” girl. I’m never really going to be, either. I was born into a curvy silhouette, and I’ve come to appreciate it.

Having my wide hips and a butt (not to mention boobs) is what makes me look like a woman, and not a five-year-old. I like the fact that parts of me are soft, and that when you hug me, you feel like you’re hugging a real person. I know we’ve all heard about everyone “coming in different shapes and sizes” but it’s true, and especially for girls. The struggle to maintain thinness is becoming crazy, with diet pills, weight loss energy drinks, and plastic surgery; women fail to realize that being slender is not the only thing that equates to being attractive.

I’m obviously not suggesting that we should all eat really unhealthily and never exercise, but fighting so fiercely against your natural

OPINIONS EDITOR

shape seems useless to me. If you’re going to be living in your body for the rest of your life, you may as well embrace it.

When it comes down to it, we’re all going to lose our looks as we get older anyway.

It’s a fact of life and I don’t see the point of devoting every waking moment to trying to hold on to it. I want to be with the people I love, and go out and experience new things.

Try new things. Try new food.

Eating is an experience to be shared and enjoyed with the people you love and care about, who also appreciate and love you. You’ll have your whole life to obsess about your reflection and how well your jeans fit, but each time you sit and eat with a friend or your family that should be the furthest thing from your mind. I asked my friend today what her favorite food is, and she said, “Anything I eat when I’m with my dad.” That’s what it’s really about.

I’VE BECOME A VEGETARIAN AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME ALISON ERNST UNION STAFFER

After watching the movie Food, Inc. I no longer had any appetite for meat. Once you see animal cruelty in action, you simply can’t unsee it. I can’t stop the sounds of screaming pigs that ring in my ears whenever I think of bacon.

I draw the line at not eating anything that has the capacity to suffer or feel pain.

As a general disclaimer, I’d like to point out that I don’t write this article to preach the vegetarian way. As a vegetarian for a mere three months, I am not one to talk. All my friends are meat-eaters, so I don’t care that others may choose to consume meat as long as it doesn’t involve me. As a recently converted

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24 JANUARY 2011

vegetarian, it bothers me that some people try to change me back to carnivorous ways. I feel like I have made a decision to not devour animals for life and I am sticking to it. I no longer crave In-N-Out hamburgers, I stick to my tomato-and-cheese veggie burgers. I don’t push vegetarianism on people so why should they try to sell me meat? I know what meat tastes like and I know what the animal suffered through to become part of that cheeseburger.

Some argue that humans are the superior species to all others, but eating another animal would be like eating another human in my eyes. I have reached a point

where I would feel like a cannibal to eat a four-legged creature. I think of my pet cats and how I would feel if they were eaten.

There is something savage about consuming something that once thought and lived.

What I don’t understand is the concept of the fake meat burgers. If someone decided to become a vegetarian, why would eating fake meat be appealing? I don’t want to eat anything even remotely resembling an animal carcass any longer. On occasion, I cut open my veggie burgers just to double check that what I am eating is, in fact, not something that once walked this Earth.

The moral of my ranting here is that people should be more accepting of the habits of their friends. I accept you carnivores in exchange for your acceptance of my vegetarianism. I still date meat-eaters and try not to push my personal beliefs onto them. It is possible to lead a life of meat consumption and then decide maybe it’s not for you. In reality, if you wish to continue to eat meat then don’t watch Food, Inc.. On the other hand, if you feel compelled to become a vegetarian then go out immediately and see Food, Inc. because it will give you a push to change. And change is good.

OPINIONS

WINTER BREAK BLUES AIN’T NO CURE FOR ‘EM COREY LEIS UNION STAFFER

I start every break the same way. I survey the vast expanse of empty days, excitedly filling them with grandiose ideas of selfedifying productivity and oft-fantasized about R & R. The post-semester fatigue is suddenly a welcome excuse to spend that extra hour or six stretched out on the couch, lethargically laboring through my dauntingly lengthy Netflix queue. I look forward to having the opportunity to read some of those books that are teetering precariously in my “To Read” stack, increasingly looking like some towering Jenga game from hell.

Do some writing. And let’s not forget the parties. Hooray-for-break parties. Christmas parties. Let’s-get-wasted parties. Let’s-getwasted-tonight-too parties. Super Nintendo

Illustration

LISA VAN WIJK COMICS EDITOR

parties. New Year’s Eve parties. Hey-let’sget-drunk-and-put-together-a-newspaper parties. Parties, parties, parties. Indeed, the last few weeks of fall semester I was looking damned forward to winter break.

The weekend before finals week, however, my dad had a heart attack. I was waste deep in the shit with school—two 12-page papers to bullshit, finals to study for half-assedly, and I was sick! (This is where people often include the favored FML, but I’m not going to.)

Spending the first two weeks back at home was nearly unbearable. My cold made itself ever noticeable, my mom wouldn’t leave me alone, and my dad was (understandably) convalescing the whole time, reminding me that we’re all getting

older, goddamnit, and eating healthily is just no fucking fun. I got no writing done, but I was able to get through Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom (not as good as The Corrections or Strong Motion, but still pretty good) in about a week and a half, which should’ve taken me only five days.

I was convinced that getting back to Long Beach was the answer to un-slumping my winter break. But once I got back, things just seemed to get worse. Back home, the wind in my sails was minimal, but now I was in the veritable doldrums. Seas as flat as glass. Most of my friends were not in Long Beach, I had no motivation to write or read, I didn’t even want to walk to the mailbox to drop off my Netflix envelopes. I

spent most of my time watching countless hours of back-to-back episodes of The Golden Girls (which is played in marathon stretches on the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime), drinking PBR, and eating too much pita and hummus.

All my plans for self-edifying productivity were collecting dust, and I realized I had to pull myself up by the proverbial boot straps and get back on the just-as-proverbial horse.

The only cure for the winter break blues is to get busy (in at least one of the senses).

Back to school. So, in the screamed words of Some Girls (the San Diego hardcore band, not that dumb girl group), “Here’s to new beginnings, you fucks!” I have great hope for this semester. Thank you for being a friend.

be confused and bummed and think that if things as sweet as that couldn’t work out then why doesn’t life just gut me now.

I think we’re just going to have to get used to it. Don’t stop being yourself, don’t hate the general woman population.

Eventually you won’t feel like complete crud, and you won’t want to screw the next semi-attractive girl you see out of adolescent spite. You’ll just get over it and accept it. Just move right along in time with a few band-aids. Or a sling.

No matter what, she’s always going to be a part of you, large or small. Even if you hated or absolutely loved her stinking guts. You can try to forget about her,

maybe succeed in that forgetting. Either way she has affected you and become part of your character. Maybe she’ll just be a warning for your kids, or the one who influences you to work on your patience, or someone who raises your standards for the better, or inspires an article for your school newspaper.

Alright, go ahead, raise your third glass of whiskey. Let’s go over the things we know for sure: there’s death, there’s taxes, and there’s women. Don’t let them get you down too hard, whether they’re great or terrible. Hopefully we’ll find one who wouldn’t mind stickin’ around for a bit.

Well, longer than that.

DEALING WITH EVE

WOMEN ARE EVIL, BUT DON’T HATE THEM FOR IT STEVE BESSETTE UNION STAFFER

One of the hardest parts about a man’s past is realizing a dark-hearted woman has stolen it. My friends and I have too often and too readily concluded that women were the best, worst thing to happen to males.

That, of course was the case when we were downtrodden, ,to say the least. When we were uplifted and joyful, there was nothing better in the entire damned universe than the hand of a lady.

Whether young or old or a common mixture of the two, there’s a great chance you’ve had contact with one of those darkhearted women. Or maybe she was perfect, but not really. It’s just that she was human and so were you and you thought that

sounded like a great match. It probably was.

It’s like in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that what he loved most about his wife were the quirky human intricacies she had, like farting in her sleep. Perfect in her imperfections.

Even some of the ones we tag as fiery whores of Babylon are actually just fine.

We’re foolishly bitter. It’s not always the dark-hearted ones who’ll leave you and forsake you, partake in a slim disconnect.

It’s the “perfect” ones too. That makes it harder, I think. You can’t really be mad at them or pin them as bitches, because they aren’t doing it to hurt you. At least they try to convince you of that. You just have to

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5

CAMPUS

BASICALLY, WE’RE JACKED BUDGET CUTS SEND US BACK TO THE DARK AGES NOAH KELLY

I

CAMPUS EDITOR

f the 5% increase in fees this spring semester was the icing on the cake to your bad grades from Fall, then this news will serve you up a Baked Alaska of awesome: we’re fucked for money.

Governor Jerry Brown, in his January budget proposal, has called for sweeping cuts to the California higher education system, to the syrupy-sweet goodness of $1.4 billion. Of that cut, the CSU system is going to be absorbing $500 million of it. And that’s in the best case of scenarios.

In a special election this June, several tax extensions would need to pass in order for the $500 million to stay steady. The problem is that even getting the tax extension proposals onto the ballot is going to be an uphill battle.

Funding for the CSU system is now reminiscent of 1999-2000 era budget, despite the fact that there are tens of thou-

sands more students in the system.

What does this mean for CSULB students? That hasn’t been decided yet. “Everything is on the table in regards to meeting these cuts,” according to Rick Gloady, director of media relations for CSULB. Everything on the table means fee increases, class closures, Spring enrollment closed, and furloughs. But even more sinister measures might be taken, like the SRWC is going to be sponsored by Dreamworks and renamed the Shrekcenter. The last one hasn’t really been considered, but now might be a really good time to start asking Rich Uncle Pennybags Hollywood for some more on-campus scenes, ala Space Jam. To make matters worse, this also assumes the 10% fee increase that students should be expecting in the Fall anyway.

Though, had the cut in funding been based off of the “pre-restoration,” the CSU

would have been, for a lack of a better term, fucked.

Despite being only January, and this budget only being a proposal, the May budget will most likely look very similar, assuming, of course, the tax extensions are kept. President F*King issued an address via email on Thursday regarding the entire scenario, assuring that CSULB will be prepared. “This is a very lean level of funding, but a level for which we have already begun careful planning.”

The moderate light at the end of the tunnel is that financial aid, such as Cal Grants, are going to be preserved in the budget. So students who do have their tuitions covered by grants, should see some help in that department.

The rest of the $900 million cut is going to be absorbed by the UC system at $500 million, and the California Commu-

FAT GUY SITTING AT HOME MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

Illustration

(To enhance your experience, I’m providing songs to look up online and listen to while reading. To start off, find “Where the Wild Roses Grow” by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.)

It started around 4am in mid-December, school had gotten out recently and with little-to-no responsibilities or places to be, I found my sleep schedule thrown off entirely. I’d catch an hour or two in the afternoon, eat when I could, then get up and ride my horse until I passed out in the early morning. The setting and rising of the sun was the only clock I acknowledged. Travelling out in the open, I met many travelers along the way, and saw the beauty of the world all laid out in front of me. To survive, I hunted all types of animals, and defended myself against wolves and mountain lions leaping from still bushels. If my wits were about me, I’d draw arms, take aim and blow off heads and limbs all in the span of a heartbeat.

(Now how about the song “Ambitions”

by Donkeyboy.)

Instead of two miles a day on a treadmill, I did thirty miles a day on a horse, blasting banditos and bounties in Red Dead Redemption. If you asked me what I was doing, I’d tell you that I was hunting for wolf hearts and skunk’s pelts to sell in town so I could buy a Buffalo Rifle and some moonshine. If you asked me why I shot that whore in the back, I’d tell you it’s because she threw me off my horse after I offered her a ride back to civilization. The two-timing, corset-wearing tramp running around without a bustle! How lude!

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24 JANUARY 2011

LISA VAN WIJK UNION STAFFER

Normally I’d use this column to ruminate on my experiences with exercising, specifically at the Rec Center on campus, but something happened over winter break.

Laziness—ambition, goals, and motivation all went the way of the Dodo.

(Move onto “Just a Friend” by Biz Markie.)

The heaviest my breathing got was on New Year’s Eve when I spent the night dancing to Girl Talk, and when midnight came, I yelled along to Biz Markie rather than making any sort of weight-related resolutions. I did what I wanted to do.

Rather than peddle away for hours on a stationary bike, I put my feet up on the coffee table, sat in front of my brand new 42” TV, and watched four seasons of Top Gear (the British version, of course). Rather than using the free weights, I hunched over my desk and finished thirty comic trade paperbacks. And rather than staring in the mirror at my barreled midsection looking for any signs of decrease or increase, I let my beard grow—something that garners much respect, despite requiring zero effort.

If anything, this beard signified my detachment from routine—a comfortable facecushion to gain anonymity.

(Let’s finish this up with “In Motion” from The Social Network score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross.)

But that’s what winter break is for, we’re offered a long break from responsibility to fully indulge ourselves. To drink Four Lokos and regret it. To grow beards. To spend hours watching entire seasons of TV.

To bury our faces in Daniel Clowes comics. To explode our friends on Black Ops. To tweet this: “Who was the first person to see a chicken crap an egg out of its feathery vagina, and say ‘Hey let’s eat whatever that is’? #eggs #yuck.” To live freely one last time before we devote ourselves to what others expect from us. I lived it up. Now it’s time to get back to the Rec Center and onto the treadmill.

nity College system taking the remainder, at $400 million.

For now, we can only wait, says President F*King. “We expect more specific information on enrollments and budget allocations in early February from the Chancellor’s Office. At that time, we will have to make final Fall admissions decisions and proceed with planning for next year’s enrollment and budget, despite the substantial uncertainty remaining about next year’s budget.”

What students can do in the future though, those who are of voting age, is let their voices be heard at a June special election in regards to the tax extensions. Even then, things are going to be grim, but they can get a hell of a lot worse. So now would be a good time to go find that job, or second job, that your parents have been strongly suggesting you get.

CAMPUS

IN MEMORIAM UNION AND CSULB ALUM TRAGICALLY SLAIN UNION STAFF JAMES AHUMADA ASI PRESIDENT

Welcome back! I hope that everyone had an eventful winter break. Your student government has been hard at work since January 3rd preparing for the spring semester, and although we are excited for what we can accomplish together, we are entering a year with many difficulties ahead of us. We have been working to make sure strong, fun, and interactive events will take place, but the information of the Governor’s new budget plan we must be cautious in the months to come.

Although many issues surround us, it is our job here at ASI to make sure that your experience here at The Beach remains as eventful as possible. Week of Welcome will be as exciting as ever, Beach Pride Poolside is just around the corner and our Blood Drives are being finalized. ASI will also be at many athletic events with our ASI Student Lounge, offering food and refreshments so that you may better enjoy our amazing teams.

On the University Student Union (USU) and Student Recreation and Wellness Center (SRWC) front we have made some light changes that you may have noticed. In the Union, we have removed our central quad fichus trees and replaced them with King Palms, better reflecting our beautiful and unique environment, as well as saving well-needed dollars on maintenance.

We have also added some spice to the USU with new purple, green, and orange colored walls, reflecting our Union missions statement. In the SRWC we have opened the area that Fresh Foods once occupied, where we will now be selling food and drinks to make sure you have everything you need for your workout experience.

With all these changes and services I cannot stress the importance enough on a legislative front for what we will be dealing with. In preparation for the projected $500 million cut to the California State University System, ASI has revamped our Lobby Corps structure to allow more opportunities for students to engage in lobby visits to local, state and federal level representatives. We will be participating in the CSU Day of Action on March 14th, along with the 22 other ASIs and many other community college students, by marching in Sacramento.

This year is important, your voice is important, and we need to work together. If you’re interested in joining this team, working to save higher education in California, please visit USU 311 to sign up, or email Chief of Staff Austin Metoyer at ametoyer@csulb.edu as soon as possible.

I am looking forward to everything we can accomplish this year, and I wish you the best of luck on your classes this semester!

On January 9, a horrific tragedy was discovered in Harbor City. Lisa Nguyen, CSULB alum and former Unionite, was found dead in her parent’s home. Nguyen was a victim of a murder-suicide that also involved her father and mother. The LA Weekly reports that Nguyen was home for a two-week vacation at the time.

Lisa was an incredibly talented graphic design student and Union staffer, and many of the people who knew her were touched by her unique and incredible presence.

“She was really great with advice. She was older, and she had that wisdom of someone who has been in college and knows how the system works. She reassured me that there are job opportunities out there, even for kids who don’t get into the fine arts program,” says Comics Editor Chris Fabela, who had met her through mutual arts major friends.

Lisa was also worldly in more than just collegiate ways. She was a source of knowledge and confidence that make a true friend.

“She would pass [confidence] on to people. You could have a conversation with her and she would make you feel as sure about yourself as she felt about you,” says Fabela.

“I had just gone on a date with someone, and I didn’t know what to do next.

Lisa Nguyen, photo courtesy Victor Camba

And I was neurotic about how well it went, and she just explained to me to ‘calm down, get out of your head, and be confident about yourself.’ That was something that really helped me out, and really mattered to me.”

“Lisa was one of the first friends I made. She was always going to be a symbol as my time here. She was here when I transferred in, and she was here for the majority of the time I’ve spent here. I’m always going to remember how she never held herself back,” says Victor Camba, illustration major.

“She was more vivacious and more alive than anyone I’ve ever met. I know this sounds like hyperbole, but she was so unabashed and sure of herself. She was never shy, and always outgoing. And that’s what I admired most about her. She was a pleasure and it was a comfort to see her around. I can’t even fathom the idea of not being able to have a conversation, or anything like that with her. A void I can’t really process,” Camba continued.

The Union Weekly offers our deepest and dearest condolences to all the friends and family that have been affected by this tragedy. Please take comfort in the fact that Lisa Nguyen touched the lives of many of the staff here at CSULB in an incredibly positive way and that she will be truly and profoundly missed.

To students affected by this tragedy, or any tragedy that may befall them, there is help on campus in the form of the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). This confidential service is located in Brotman Hall, Room 226, and their phone number is (562) 985-4001.

The full extent of their services can be found at http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/ students/caps/.

There will also be a gallery exhibit held in Lisa’s honor in the Werby Gallery from February 6-10th, with the reception being held 5-7pm February 6.

WINTER BREAK SPORTS WRAP UP

ALL THE SCORES YOU MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY JERKING IT STEVE BESSETTE UNION STAFFER

Hey, sports peeps. Hope you enjoyed your long wintry break. I know you were probably on the Long Beach State Athletics website everyday checking in on your favorite team’s scores instead of trying to watch all the new movies that will probably be nominated for Oscars, but here’s your winter break sports wrap-up anyway.

High-fives all around for your Men’s B-Ball who were just barely undefeated during the break. Though starting out with an unfortunate loss against Arizona State in late December (72-55), the team picked up with 6 straight wins (beating last years 5 game winter winning

streak), all with hefty leads against their California competitors. Their strongest victory being 71-55 over UC Santa Barbara (right after the Arizona loss) and the slimmest being against Pacific, where they squeezed by with 70-69 game. Unfortunately the break didn’t end as well, with two losses against that damn Fullerton (87-89) and UC Irvine (76-86).

Unfortunately the Beach’s Women’s Basketball were not as fortunate as their male counterparts. The ladies started off with a nice win over Florida A&M (7262), fell into a three game losing streak (including a crushing 43-70 loss from UC Santa Barbara), came back up thanks to

CSU Northridge (64-50), and back into another losing streak until Saturdays 8079 win over UCI. At least they did better than last winter, where they walked into the spring with eight straight losses. Nowhere to go but up, ladies.

Men’s Volleyball started their seaspm during winter break just barely taking more wins (4) than losses (3). Their opening twofer landed them a 3-1 win against UC Irvine and a 0-3 loss against BYU. Go mormons. The guys ended their break with a close 3-2 win over UCLA, just like they did almost exactly one year ago (1/21/10). Men’s V-Ball will continue their season up through the end of April.

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

Graphics

CLAY COOPER MANAGING EDITOR

INVEST IN OUR FUTURE TODAY! Intro

ANDY KNEIS MANAGING EDITOR

Y

eah, yeah, we all know about the economy. Hard times and all. Unfortunately, even this extremely successful periodical is having some financial troubles. Ads are hard to come by, and that time we invested money in former hiphop stars Chingy and Sisqo really backfired. As such, we decided to

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put our creative minds together and create the next big million dollar invention to make some extra cash.

We thought of some really great stuff that might just change the way people live. The only problem is that we weren’t sure if some of our great ideas could exist in

BAGEL PLUGS

this particular universe. You can’t put those kind of boundaries around a creative mind, you see.

So, to double-check, we decided to contact a Union alum, Chris Barrett (aka “Science.”) He is now a Graduate Student Research Assistant at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, which

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MANAGING EDITOR

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MARCO BELTRAN near impossible to make a decent sandwich.

All you gotta do is pop a bagel plug into the middle of the bagel and all your problems will be solved and all your wildest dreams will come true. Or, just have the bagel plug as a snack! Patent pending, you fucker.

SEX RUBBER BAND ANDY KNEIS MANAGING EDITOR

Like sex? Of course you do, everyone does. But as much as everyone likes sex, it can be soooo boring. Sex has remained unchanged for literally thousands upon thousands of years. Penis in a vagina? Yawn. The Sex Rubber Band solves this age-old problem. All you have to do is get ready for sex (a boner, for example), strap into the Sex Rub-

ber Band system, step back until the band is taught, count to 10 (or 69 ha ha), and then jump! The patented sexnology will rocket you towards your lover’s most intimate parts and your thrust will be more powerful than ever using the power of rubber and bands.

“Rubber band? I hardly know her!” The catchphrase is a work in progress.

SCIENCE SAYS: I don’t imagine that it would be at all possible to align yourselves. If you could line it up, you could have entry only once.

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

CAT SPOUSE

(Cat boyfriend/girlfriend innovation)

ANDY KNEIS I’ve pitched this idea to many a dumbass and they’ve all scoffed, but soon the scoff will be at them because this is a million-dollar idea at the very least. Everyone loves bagels except for their pesky hole. The hole makes it harder to spread cream cheese, and it makes it darn

basically means he has the brains to tell us why our ideas won’t work and why we maybe should contact a therapist.

If you’re an investor, take a look at our good ideas that definitely will work for sure, then grab that checkbook and toss a couple million our way. Thank you in advance.

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

It’s Friday night, all your friends (if you have them) are either working or are with their girlfriends/boyfriends eating spaghetti in a romantic way like those dogs do in that movie about dogs who talk and one dog is dirty or something. You’re all alone with your cat, Doctor Purrenstein, MD, ‘cause no one

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asks you out ‘cause it’s not cute or attractive to throw up on yourself a little when you have to talk in front of the class. Solution: Get the Cat Spouse! It’s the simple way to dress your cat like a human so that you have someone to hang out with. It comes with twenty responses to make life slightly bearable.

HEAVENLY CREATURES (Animal murder box) MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

I always hated having to explain dead/ dying pets to my little sister. It was terrible.

How can you tell someone that their best friend fell asleep under the car and his guts coat the inside of the car or that their puppy, Pee-Paw, has a rare form of doggie cancer and it would be too expensive to keep it alive? Now you don’t have to! Introducing:

Heavenly Creatures! The fast and simple way to kill your children’s dying pets without the mess. Just read the enclosed script card to trick the child and place the pet inside the chamber. Inside, our patented barbed wire chainsaws eviscerate your pets into a soft puree that’s perfect for plants and lawns.

And the blades are dishwasher safe.

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B’RING

(Bra unhooking ring) MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN

ZERO-GRAVITY LOVE MOTEL MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

MUSIC EDITOR

The B’Ring is an exciting new product from the Union Weekly. Principally targeting the coveted 18-24 male demographic, the B’Ring is a ring with a unique bra-unhooking magnet that makes bra removal a snap. No more uncomfortable moments when you’re getting hot and heavy with a lady. Speaking of, have any women readers ever wished they could

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effortlessly get dressed or undressed while getting ready for your day? You need the B’Ring! Don’t forget, the B’Ring isn’t just for bras, this exciting product will unclasp any clasp in seconds flat!

Never worry about troublesome clasps ever again. Using our technology to unhook gates, cupboards, and yes, bras, will be a sinch for you with the B’Ring!

POOP POOFER

(Pill that turns poop into farts)

SCIENCE SAYS: I imagine it being similar to having sex when you’re buoyant in water.

The big issue with that is having something to push off of. It’s only you and the other person, no other point of contact, I can imagine it being difficult, but seems completely fine to me.

10 SANDWICH DIAPER UNION STAFFER

CULTURE EDITOR

butts. Taking your family on a road trip and tired of pesky bathroom stops? Have the wife and kiddies pop some of these magic pills, roll down the windows, and enjoy the freedom of the open road and open butts.

The perfect solution to life’s inconveniences, and also a great gift for fart lovers.

SCIENCE SAYS: The problem is, that would release a lot of energy. If you had your normal bowels and put a lot of oxygen in there the methane would be explosive. You would blow up.

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each room in the motel allows patrons to flip a switch and activate a free-floating, zero-gravity environment, once all windows and doors are sealed shut. Then let the love get happenin’ as you dodge goops and juices like you’re swimming in a giant lava lamp.

MIKE PALLOTTA

LEO PORTUGAL Turn your poops into farts with this breakthrough pill! Hate using disgusting public restrooms? All you have to do is float around the restroom after taking one of these bad boys and your pristine little booty doesn’t even have to touch that porcelain seat that’s been desecrated by hundreds of gross

You’ve got your lover, you’ve got your Sex Rubber Band, now you need the perfect place to sex. Go to the Zero Gravity Love Motel! Whether you’re a fan of Space, Carl Sagan, or effortless motion, Zero Gravity is right up your alley and ready to tickle your fancy. The concept is simple:

CUM? MORE LIKE “YUM!” (Pill that flavors semen) LEO PORTUGAL

“Fuck! Shit! My goddamn sandwich keeps falling out the ass-end of my goddamn sandwich!” Are you tired of saying this EVERY time you eat a sandwich? Do you love sandwiches and not want to eat anything else? Well then get yourself a sandwich diaper! Simply slide the diaper onto your hands like a cat’s cradle, pushing your pin-

kies and thumbs through the holes on either side, then rest the sandwich conveniently in the diaper as it acts like a net between your hands. The plastic diaper should hoist up and support the contents of your delicious sammy so it doesn’t fall all over your shirt, making you look like the fucking idiot you are! Fuck you!

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(Body suit that removes body hair) MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER

CULTURE EDITOR

Haven’t you always dreamed about what the world would be like if semen could taste like frozen yogurt or funnel cake? Your dreams have come true! Pick your favorite flavor and you’ll not only enjoy, but crave the sticky-icky. Flavored jizz has tremendous utility, too. For example, if

you just finished making your boyfriend a good looking sandwich and you’ve just run dry on your stash of condiments you stole from Arby’s, have him take the appropriately flavored pill and work him over ‘til he dispenses some spicy brown mustard. His sandwich is now complete.

SCIENCE SAYS: Seems plausible to mask it, like spraying potpourri on shit, but if you actually wanted to change the flavor then I don’t think it’s possible. It would probably require at the very least epigenetic engineering, more likely actual genetic engineering. Instead of a pharmaceutical pill, one thing I could possibly think of is an incurred virus, then again, that would be basically genetic engineering. If you’re not worried about fertility, it might be possible.

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(Lazy Susan for everything) CHELSEA STEVENS OPINIONS EDITOR

If there’s one thing my life lacks, it’s my ability to swivel things. I didn’t realize this was really a problem until just a few minutes ago, but now that I’m aware, boy is it a terrible dilemma. Luckily, C-Suz can morph to any size for your every swiveling whim.

Want to cook a fancy buffet to impress your friends? Stick it on the Susan! Got too many chicks to do at once? Line ‘em up and spin it around! The possibilities are endless. Even hop on it yourself and take it for a joy ride, but don’t stay on too long or you’ll puke.

Can’t face the ridicule of taking off your shirt at the gym, only to reveal the sweater underneath? You’ve had enough with your girlfriend complaining about your genitals getting lost in the thicket growing betwixt your thighs. It’s time to slide into the Hairaser unitard, the unitard that erases hair.

Using modern day balms and salve technology, the hair is literally “Hairased” off your skin with the friction of your every movement. Then, conveniently shake out the hair like you’re Andy Dufresne shaking out rocks in Shawshank Redemption. Bask in the glory of your naked bald body.

SCIENCE SAYS: There are topical creams that are very heavy in Vitamin E, which causes the roots to degenerate so the hair can fall out, but you’re supposed to take it off almost immediately.

Just wearing tons of Vitamin E on yourself for extended periods of time would be painful.

HONORABLE MENTIONS • Glasses that erase race • Pill that turns your leg hair/skin blue so it looks like skin-tight jeans • Skin clips to pull back wrinkly skin • Pie that tastes like pussy/is fuckable • Invention that translates women’s speech into sports analogies • Pill that helps you to forget father issues (Father-Be-Gone) • Service that calls your mother for you

Make out checks or money orders to: Union Weekly Send Donations to: 1212 Bellflower Blvd, suite 239 Long Beach, CA 90815 UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

MUSIC

KIMYA DAWSON GETS SHUT DOWN COPS RUIN LOCAL FUN AGAIN KENNY POMROY CONTRIBUTOR

KIMYA DAWSON

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he 12th street and G Warehouse is a secluded venue within the dreary industrials of Chino, California which seems a perfect place to make loud, melodic noises up until the wee hours of the morn. And, seemingly, this was the case on Friday, January 21st. The bands on the bill included (in this order): Summer Vacation; God Equals Genocide; Stoned At Heart; Defiance, Ohio; and Kimya Dawson. A pretty hefty line-up all at the meager price of five American dollars.

Utilizing the raw power of social networking, this relatively small D.I.Y. venue was packed to the brim with kids wanting to sing along and vigorously dance with their beloved artists. There had to have been at least t300 plus kids in a space that wasn’t much bigger than a large living room. However, there was an outside section of the venue that could

hold even more people, so everyone wasn’t feeling super uncomfortable.

Summer Vacation (who frequent local shows with Joyce Manor) led the show off with charged punkish/indieish stuff that always gets the crowd going. At this early stage of the show I knew that shit was going downhill, there were just too many kids for such a cramped space and in such a small warehouse. At least I could see the top of the band’s heads within the mess of people.

Up second was God Equals Genocide, who have a colorful take on punk that I do so enjoy. This three piece Southern Californian local band put out some very high energy and knew how to get shit going. Unfortunately I was being pushed against a refrigerator during their set, which inhibited any dancing. I nodded my head to the beats real good though.

DEFIANCE, OHIO

Next up was Stoned At Heart. I have to confess at this point I couldn’t even see them, so I had to listen outside; but listen I did.

These guys are from San Pedro, and I think they do a good job of capturing a familiar sound for coastal SoCal kids like me. They pound out some melodic, steady beats, which was a good break from the high energy that proceeded them, but they still maintained the grooves going on for the show and were a good segue for Defiance, Ohio.

So this is where previously said shit starts its rapid descent. Defiance, Ohio set up their equipment in the outside patio part of the venue, which was a wise decision for the even larger crowd that collected. After a short stint of setting amps and instruments up and necessary sound checks, the band began pumping out some tunes. Halfway through their second song, they stopped

and asked (kindly) for the energetic crowd to take some steps back so they don’t crush them and their instruments. Everything was fine when Defiance, Ohio was playing their old standby “Oh, Susquehanna!” when the men in blue came and started breaking the show up.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, the owner of the venue asked us kindly to leave and apologized thoroughly for the show’s abrupt end. But the livelihood of the venue was at stake, and the law didn’t want us to have fun and junk. All of the bands put on a great show, but Kimya Dawson never got a chance to shine. She also personally apologized to all of the patrons of the venue: it’s nice to see humility within someone who has so much notoriety. Mad respect to all the bands and the venue; I’d recommend you see all these artists as soon as you get the opportunity.

JOYCE MANOR LEADS THE CHARGE FOR WEST COAST PUNK

D.I.Y. TILL I DIE JEFF BAER UNION STAFFER

For the first decade of the 2000s the East Coast dominated in the battle of East vs. West. However, the West is coming out swinging to take it back in 2011. I’m not talking about the West Coast vs. East Coast feud that erupted in the early 90s hip hop scene. I’m talking about a hypothetical battle in West Coast vs. East Coast in the “doit-yourself ” (D.I.Y.) music scene. This is about the bands, the labels, recording studios, venues, and merchandise companies putting southern California on the map.

Three weeks into the game, Long Beach’s own Joyce Manor released their self-titled debut on 6131 Records. The band, which draws comparison to Weezer, Latterman, and Jawbreaker, is being said to have released a contender for best record of 2011. On the other side of the music spectrum, Studio City “cinema grind” superstars Graf Orlock collaborated with UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

2Pac (yes, he is back stirring up the feud) and others on their latest release, Doombox. However, Pac’s contribution is not the most shocking surprise. The biggest surprise is that the packaging of the record folds into a 30”x10”x10” boombox. With this release we are reminded that music is art and that purchasing physical copies of records can be an exciting experience.

Record labels, such as 6131 Records and No Sleep Records have seen tremendous growth over the last few years and are slated for some great releases in 2011. No Sleep is home to La Dispute, Balance and Composure, Into It Over it, The Sheds and many others who will be releasing records this year.

6131 Records is home to Joyce Manor, Such Gold, and Rotting Out and has many releases also lined up. Not all of these bands are based in Southern California, however, it is local labels that are releasing their records. While we

have several established independent labels in the area, there are many newer labels such as Vitriol Records, Olhar de Vidro Records, Melotov Records, and Redshift Records that have exciting things in store.

The man responsible for the recordings of many local D.I.Y. bands, and behind the latest Joyce Manor record, and Los Angeles based band Touche Amore’s “To The Beat Of A Dead Horse” record, also released on 6131 Records is Silver Snakes guitarist and Earth Capital Recording Studios owner, Alex Estrada. With prices ranging from $150 for a three song demo to $600 for a full album, Earth Capital gives you a quality product without breaking the bank. When asked about why such low prices compared to many other area studios, Estrada said, “I don’t have huge overhead so there is no reason why I should have fat pockets at the expense of up-and-coming bands that are

trying to make their mark.”

It is this attitude shared by Estrada and many others that keep the D.I.Y. scene music scene thriving. Bands play local shows together and take each other out on tour.

Independent music venues such as The Smell in Los Angeles and Chain Reaction in Anaheim provide a place for all ages live music at reasonable prices. People open up their garages and living rooms when no venues exist. Recording studios work on shoestring budgets to help the artist(s) document their history. Labels work together to put out releases. Merchandise companies, such as Hellfish Family, operate online stores for bands and labels and print merchandise for bands at low prices. Finally, people like me write articles telling you to check out everything I’ve mentioned. It is this collaborative attitude and effort that keeps the D.I.Y. scene alive.

ENTERTAINMENT

SUPER ME A SORT OF REVIEW/COMPLAINT OF/ABOUT MARCO BELTRAN DC UNIVERSE ONLINE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

T

he game is pretty enjoyable. I don’t know what else I can say about it.

I waited two years for this game to come out, partially because it’s an MMO that is playable in the PS3 and I’ve always wanted to wake up with super powers. I’m not saying that I thought this would be so realistic in its attempt at creating a game that puts you at the helm of a super powered individual. I just wanted to rekindle my relationship with an online superhero game that I didn’t need to upgrade my computer inorder to get the full, uninterupted, playing experience. That’s not what I found in this game. All I found was more of the same.

The cities, the powers, the style of the game, were all too similar to 2004’s City of Heroes that I almost put the game down and ran out in anger. The story makes no sense. A version of Lex Luthor, Superman’s nemesis, from an alternate reality or from the future arrives, I guess, to warn Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman about an impending attack from Brainiac, a supercomputer bent

on taking over Earth, that has collected the powers of every superhero on earth. That also includes, from some reason, magic and technological expertise. I don’t understand how a robotic being can compensate for an anomaly such as FUCKING MAGIC. I can understand mutations and shit like that, but not the idea that circuits and wires can compensate for magic. Isn’t there some intangeble shit that keeps robots from getting that stuff? Aren’t there rules for that or something somewhere that say robots can’t do magic. I know that sounds a little racist, or will sound racist in the future when robots become fully fuctional and sentient to the point in which we will have to have debates on whether or not it is moral or immoral to marry a robot, but I don’t care.

So, Future/Alternate Lex Luthor decides to help out by giving random people super powers. Your character, mine is named the White Flash, is tossed into a world gone to shit because of that. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to replace Lex Luthor in that de-

mension/timestream and work toward a way to keep Brainiac from taking over? He’s supposed to be a genius.

That’s just nitpicky stuff, I know, but there are a few things that will keep people from continuing past the first city. One is that for each opponent you defeat while traveling around the cities and fighting in the missions, you only get a really small amount experience from defeating them.

Because of that it becomes really hard to level up. This becomes a problem when there is no start point. There are like four or five missions that are perfect to start off in that are in the same city, but if you want to get stronger you need to head over to some far off city. I spent hours just trying to get to the other missions before getting lost and finding out that there is a slightly easier, not by much, way to get around.

Because of the constant traveling you come up against the bigger problem of the game, which is that the Player versus Player, Hero vs Villain, stuff start off randomly.

I spent the majority of my time respawning only to get killed again. It got a little frustrating when I would get within a few feet of a base or my next mission, only to get beaten by a hero/villain, and get sent fucking far away to some of the really spacedout respawn points.

The saving grace of this game comes from the missions, which allow you to fight a variety of villains/heros as well as interact with them during the course of the mission.

Another cool/interesting thing in the game is that after you beat the boss of a mission set, there are little comic book-style animations that tell you why the boss is part of the good or evil side of the game.

So far I’ve given up two days of my life in order in see which powers are the coolest and put in a lot of time trying to make a character that I thought was cool, but it’s going to take a really long time to get anywhere in this stupid shit, I already paid for this shit, so fuck it. This game is going to ruin my life.

A FAMILY OF LYING DOUCHEBAGS A REVIEW OF CITY ISLAND STEVE Bessette UNION STAFFER

City Island will make you hate your family. Or love them. Either way it’ll show you that your family sucks just like everybody else’s. If not, then screw off. Enjoy your beautiful family. A quick description of the plot would sound normal, nothing too staggeringly original. It could have so easily taken the smug and pretentious, yet kooky, indie comedy route, but it continually changed directions and I didn’t feel like a potential film major asshole watching it. (The film major part is potential, I’m already an asshole.)

City Island is a low-key fishing village in the Bronx that is described as being the inhabitants’ little secret, which is the perfect

setting for a movie about a family of lying douchebags. The prison guard father Vince has a boner for Marlon Brando and is taking secret acting classes, the wife Joyce hides her smoking habits, the son has a crazy fetish for feeding fat chicks, and the daughter got kicked out of college and is now taking shifts at local strip bars. Maybe your family really isn’t that bad. Apologies.

The kicker that comes in is Tony, who’s not a part of the family (yet), but is a prisoner at Vince’s facility who turns out to be the son he left before birth. Tony is kind of like the audience. Not until Vince decides to bring him home do we really see how deep everyone’s secrets are and the lengths they

go through to satisfy their hidden needs.

The characters confide in Tony, which temporarily alleviates some of the unspoken stress, but we and Tony are the only ones who know so it’s not that alleviating.

The other side of Tony is Vince’s acting partner and confidante Molly, played by the lovely Emily Mortimer (you’ve seen her in Shutter Island, look her up). I could go on for a while about the subtle young romance she exudes and how she personifies a reassuring sun amidst all the rainy shit in Vince’s life, and how her scenes are the best in the movie and how it would be easy for me to fall in love with this chick if she were real, but I won’t. She’s a cool

character or whatever.

The psychology of the characters is pretty normal, but that’s the point. These are normal people who have inner conflict we’ve seen in real life. Their aggravating family dinners reminded me so much of my own. Like the stupid undercutting remarks that lead to a teenager huffing up to their room become so laughably ridiculous in hindsight, that watching the scenes of this family screaming at each other over the daughter’s tits is great. It’s the mix of realistic portrayal and occasional jabs at an absurdist reality is what makes City Island so great. It’s really well acted, not pretentious, and simple.

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

CULTURE

A REVIEW OF MEXICO/MINESWEEPER A VISIT TO MEXICO AND MINESWEEPING FOR WUSSES LEO PORTUGAL CULTURE EDITOR

Graphic

M

inesweeper is a computer game where the objective is to locate all the mines as quickly as possible without uncovering any of them.

Mexico is a country located south of the United States. I would have to say that I love Mexico and Minesweeper equally. Just how much do I love these two M-word things?

Read on to find out!

Minesweeper is pretty cool because as you play, a little smiley-face guy is on the screen watching you sweep for mines. At first, you think he’s just a laid back guy who just watches you sweep for mines with a smile on his face, but then he gets really freaked out every time you’re about to click something and looks a little bit like this, 8O. If you win a game of Minesweeper, the smiley-face guy puts on some cool shades.

If you click on a mine, the smiley-face guy gets less smiley and gets Xs for eyes and is dead. While you’re playing it looks kind of like Sudoku with bombs, but it’s really nothing like Sudoku and the guys who planted the mines might have just made it look like Sudoku to lure you into a false sense of comfort and familiarity.

Mexico is pretty cool because it’s where most of my family comes from. Besides producing my family, which I love, it has also created tamales, flan, tres leches cake, and piñatas, which I also love.

My second favorite Minesweeper-related activity is teaching people how to play Minesweeper. It’s a simple game, really. The

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

numbers tell you how many mines are next to that tile. I must be a bad teacher though, because my students tend to explode.

As I write this, I just finished a pretty long Minesweeper session. I am in Mexico right now, and it’s the middle of the night.

There’s no internet, and there’s a thunderstorm. Everyone I know here is sleeping.

This is one of the few scenarios where I’d actually play Minesweeper. And write a review for Minesweeper. I’m pretty bored. Or I would be bored, if not for Minesweeper!

Thanks Minesweeper.

Are you ever bored? While I love Minesweeper, and am happy to share the idea of playing Minesweeper to curb your boredom, I will now happily offer you other fun boredom crushers. Try to type the alphabet as fast as possible: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. Bam! I did that in just a few seconds!

I’ve been practicing. Time yourself and have fun with it. And now I’ll share a fun game I’ve been playing that I invented. The goal of my game is to flex as many muscles as possible at one time. Use your muscles to play too! Try flexing biceps, triceps, toes, face muscles, and whatevs. This is also a good spectator sport. Maybe I should write a really positive review about this flexing game so that the world will finally realize that it is truly a game worth playing. I should probably just go to sleep.

All-in-all, Minesweeper is a pretty good game. Pro tip: make sure to turn on the sound so that you can hear the explosion

PIE H ROS OPES Finding the right pie is a little like finding the right man. Or woman. It can take a lot of looking, and it’s usually really confusing. But really, you should only eat pie based on your horoscope, just like you should only date people your psychic tells you are good for you.

Consider me your pie psychic. Trust in me, and you’ll be in pie heaven in no time.

CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 You are tenacious, and a hard worker. A little boring, maybe. Pumpkin pie is the pie for you! Standard. Trustworthy. Delicious.

AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 We can conservatively call the Aquarius a free spirit. Go for any Paula Deen recipe.

Even if it’s not really pie, it counts.

PISCES Feb 19-March 20 You are sensitive and easily disappointed. If UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

sound effect when you explode. That pinball game that also comes with Windows software is decent, too.

I went to Mexico with the simple plan to drink as much water as possible just to be contrarian, and because I love diarrhea (it’s so much easier to poop than regular poop), but I left with so much more. I discovered a lot about my heritage, my family, and myself in Mexico, much in the same way that I uncovered numbers and blank tiles in Minesweeper.

COME SHARE YOUR ADVENTURES! I just shared a tale of my travels to Mexico. Come to a Union meeting Fridays at 2pm in the University Student Union and share your traveling stories! You could also come looking for friendship (and find it!).

Or e-mail leop.union@gmail.com if you fear human contact.

MONICA HOLMES PIE PSYCHIC

any pie at all is good enough for you, it’s apple. It’s pretty hard to fuck up an apple pie.

ARIES March 21-April 19 You’re adventurous and outgoing. Stun the world and try a mincemeat pie. What is it?

What does it taste like? No one knows, and you might be the only one brave enough to find out!

TAURUS April 20-May 20 As a Taurus, you’re stubborn and hard to please. You’re pretty pissed at all the Pisces for taking apple pie, but trust me, cherry is your true soulmate.

GEMINI May 21-June 21 You like to try new things and think outside the box. So are you ready for it? Rhubarb!

Go ahead and take the world by storm with your unusual pie choice!

CANCER June 22-July 22 As a compassionate and loving Cancer, your first instinct might be to save all the pie for someone else, even the last slice. Don’t do it!

Peach pie was made for you, and no one deserves even a tiny bite.

LEO July 23-Aug 22 You’re a positive and helpful person. People love you. Apricots have always struck me as the friendliest of all fruits, so I think it’s a match made in heaven.

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 Soft-hearted and shy, you’re a great friend.

Pecan pie was made for you, with its crunchy exterior and yummy, gooey center.

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 You’re known for being balanced. Banberry’s the pie for you (go to Polly’s Pies). It’s

the perfect blend of two great fruits. Too bad it’s disgusting. Oh well, better luck in the next life.

SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 Mysterious and intense, you like to be in charge. Don’t trust anyone else with this perfect recipe: you + coconut cream pie = love.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 You have extremely high standards and are easily angered. Since you can be rude and difficult, you don’t deserve anything more delicious than frozen chicken pot pie.

[Editor’s note: Hear about the new Zodiac sign changes for 2011? Fuck ‘em! They’re bogus. Stick with these tried and true classics.]

CULTURE

BACK TO SCHOOL, FOOL ROOTS GOURMET WATCHING MY DAD FUCK A SNOWMAN IS BETTER THAN SCHOOL VINCENT CHAVEZ

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN

UNION STAFFER

That time of year is upon us once again, a time to give thanks and be thankfu... Wait, that’s not right. What’s that you say? Back to school? Already? No, no, you simply must be mistaken. There’s no way it’s time for school again. Ah, see here, my calendar reads January 23—oh dear god.

Well, fuck me. Where did the time go?

One minute you’re watching Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender in its entirety on Netflix (not to be confused with M. Night Shyamalan’s inturdpretation. Mocking M. Night Shyamalan feels like beating a dead puppy. It’s no fun anymore and I’m sick of getting puppy corpse on my new Vans) and the next minute some graceless dick is telling you school is starting and it’s time to shove those unused skiis, that unfinished Stephen Fry memoir, and the unlimited access to movies and television into the bedazzled keepsake chest you spent all winter break decorating. Winter break sure was awesome this year. Well, besides the constant guilt of unemployment reminding me that I am delaying my responsibility as an upright citizen to contribute to the development of society

A TASTY NEW COFFEE SHOP IN LONG BEACH MUSIC EDITOR

(thanks for nothing In-N-Out). And I could have done without my dad drunkenly violating my snowman during our Big Bear trip: Mom: “Pete! Stop humping Frosty, you’re ruining the picture.”

Dad: “Uh, uh, but he likes it from the back.”

Me: “So you do realize you’re fucking a male snowperson in, what looks like his thorax?”

Dad: (soft grunting) When did the fear of coming back to school start to resemble the thought of watching a post-Signs M. Night Shyamalan movie (last time, I swear)? I honestly dread this moment with every neurotic, manic-depressive fiber of my being. Coming back to school reminds me that education is an expensive backup plan, something I do in case my dreams of stand-up comedy crash and burn like so many clown-filled zeppelins.

Every semester I wait until the last possible moment to sign up for classes because I’m afraid to commit to a major that I’ll inevitably resent. How am I supposed to choose my life plan when I’m not sure who I am yet?

Jesus, I’m a fucking mess. HAPPY SPRING SEMESTER EVERYONE!

Roots Gourmet opened up at the tail end of last semester to little or no fanfare. However, over the break this little coffee shop has garnered a lot of attention for its healthy twist on South American favorites. Nestled in the Market Place next to the Trader Joes, Roots Gourmet may not be in the best location for a café, but they make the most of the situation by creating a tasteful outdoor dining area.

My first introduction to Roots Gourmet was through their coffee, and this remains my most frequently ordered item. The espresso served far outpaces that of their next door neighbor and competitor, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. The roast on the beans offered at Roots ensures a balanced and slightly sweet shot from which many of their delightful drinks are built. The Espresso Cubano takes the espresso shot and pours it into a cup coated in sugar, which if you need some sweetness is a damn good way to go.

The trademark of Roots’ espresso selection has to be their Espresso Cortado, a short espresso with cream that packs all the flavor and energy of a latte in a concentrated dose.

Roots Gourmet also offers loose-leaf tea and

the ever-popular Kombucha.

If my excitement over Roots Gourmet’s beverage menu has lead you to believe they falter in the food department, let me apologize.

The grub at Roots is nothing to gloss over. Sort of an attempt at Pan-American food, the menu is stacked with hits like Empanadas, Albondigas soup, and the heavenly Cubano Sandwich.

The Albondigas soup has already become something of a local favorite. A fresh batch is made daily and once it is gone, it’s gone. Make sure and order it early and you wont miss out on the luxurious broth filled with hearty turkey meatballs and spinach. Served with some toast for dunking, you have yourself a perfect lunch.

The Cubano, on the other hand, is a meal in itself. Stuffed with delish pork cuts and set off with the classic pickles and mustard combination, Roots Gourmet’s version of the Cubano does not disappoint. Everyday you are sure to find special menu items, from new soups and empanadas to gluten free pastries. The level of quality on display is admirable in such a cramped little kitchen. Now that the spring semester has started, be sure to drop by this little gem and get some great grub.

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

LITERATURE

THE FUTURE WE’LL

NEVER HAVE

OUR FAVORITE BOOKS ON WHAT THE FUTURE WOULD BE LIKE IF 2012 WASN’T ON THE WAY

THIS PERFECT DAY

INFINITE JEST

CHELSEA STEVENS

UNION STAFFER

The society is based off the musings of Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, Bob Wood, and Li Wei, which lead the children to chant as a nursery rhyme, “Christ, Marx, Wood, and Wei led us to this perfect day.” Levin sets up a believable prospect of brainwashed citizens, whose entire lives and choices are decided by an omnipotent computer system called UniComp. “Uni” administers the right amount of drugs to each individual, and gives them permission to do everything from play with a toy to have a child.

While the depth of this book may be more like an inflatable kiddy pool than the Atlantic Ocean, it certainly delivers in the entertaining department. There’s a lot of nourishment for your imagination, it’s a quick read, and most importantly, it ends in an action-filled life-or-death battle. And hey, it’s in print again, so go pick it up!

THE HUNGER GAMES

24 JANUARY 2011

It takes place in a North America that is very different than the one with which we’re familiar. Time has since been subsidized—years are no longer numbers; they’re purchased by corporations and given a name to reflect that corporation’s product (e.g., Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment); television is watched on cartridges that are rented from places like video shops; the U.S. is run by a lounge singer. There are a few different protagonists that have interweaving stories and they’re all drug addicts.

In Infinite Jest, the reader can expect the unmatched quirky humor as well as the detailed behind-the-scenes-like descriptions of people and theories characteristic of DFW. Read a different kind of book about the future. This is one hell of a novel!

LEO PORTUGAL CULTURE EDITOR

LITERATURE EDITOR

UNION WEEKLY

Stories of totalitarian dystopias and too-human-like androids and real horrorshow-like lads engaging in criminal debauchery are ubiquitous in novels about the future. We’ve all read ‘em: Fahrenheit 451, The Wanting Seed, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (they do, by the way), 1984. But what about futuristic novels that don’t seem to take place in the future at all, with next to no elements of science-fiction? Y’all read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest?

This book is unlike any other I’ve encountered. First of all, it’s the only book I’ve read that required three bookmarks. If you can get past the sheer bulk of it (it is, admittedly, a goddamned huge book), and you don’t mind flipping back and forth to read more footnotes (technically endnotes, I guess) than you can throw an IBM typewriter at, read it.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

KATY PARKER

Here we have The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Before this book, my only experience with any type of hunger-related entertainment was to see how many Trader Joe’s deep fried macaroni balls I could eat before getting dizzy. With free time and a lot of delicious crumbs on my hands, who was I to declare to be above a bit of chintzy teen-lit?

Nobody, that’s who. So I started to read.

The story takes place at least a couple of centuries into the future, after North American society has collapsed and reassembled into an oppressed, hungry blob of sadness controlled by a wealthy totalitarian government. To demonstrate their all-powerful power, the government hosts “The Hunger Games”, a nation-wide sporting event in which twenty four randomly-

LISA VAN WIJK

UNION STAFFER

COREY LEIS

OPINIONS EDITOR

The only bit of fame attached to this novel is that its author (Ira Levin) is also that of Rosemary’s Baby; otherwise, it’s been out of print for over twenty years. In fact, it’s been put back in print as of very recently because publishing companies believe so many people think Obama’s bringing us to a socialist tyranny that they’ll want to pick up this book and read it. Seriously.

Whatever, anyway, This Perfect Day is Ira Levin’s personal flavor of future. It’s main ideas aren’t exactly unique; the whole society is drugged up, the main guy realizes he’s special and figures out a way to get around the drugs to be normal again, he finds a little group of people who’ve become normal like him, etc. What makes the book is the little details Levin puts in to make his future feel concrete.

Illustration

selected adolescents are placed into a giant dome and televised as they fight to the death. It’s a lot like Jersey Shore.

The plot follows a very un-Bella teenage girl who exhibits actual depth of character and favorable feminine qualities, such as intelligence, independence, and the ability to kill small animals with her bare hands.

Also, it’s got nudity and violence and dogs that walk on two feet. There’s a teenagerfriendly love triangle dynamic to the plot that evoked a cringe or two, and the first publication of the book somehow made it into the world with truly lamentable copyediting. However, much like the moist, hot, cheesy balls of Trader Joe, the story was hearty, fulfilling, and satisfying. So give it a go, why don’tcha?

Stranger in a Strange Land, published in 1961 and written by classic Sci Fi juggernaut Robert A. Heinlein (Starship Troopers, Time Enough for Love), is about a human named Valentine Michael Smith who was orphaned on Mars after the astronauts on the first expedition to Mars die. Smith is raised by native Martians, and later returned to Earth as a young adult. The first human from Mars, Smith becomes an important figure, token and commodity used by scientists and government alike.

Smith has to learn to become accustomed to the atmosphere and gravity of Earth, and is confined to a hospital, separated from the world. Smith then has to become accustomed to Earth love and

Earth boners when he encounters his first human female, a nurse named Gillian Boardman who breaks rules to see this Martian man and eventually breaks him out of the hospital.

What ensues is a high stakes kidnapping case, but this time the human abducts the Martian. She doesn’t try to do any probing of his butt, or anything, though. She mostly tries to protect him from being captured and possibly probed by others. All kinds of bad begin to come at Smith and Nurse Boardman’s way.

In Stranger in a Strange Land, Heinlein looks at religion and commercialism, but really, it’s mostly just a fun and exciting book that has aged well and is definitely worth reading.

COMICS

JUST FOR LISA

VICTOR! PERFECTO UNION STAFFER

UNION WEEKLY

24 JANUARY 2011

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, goo cars to jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com, then go to hell.

Volume 68 Issue 1

Monday, January 24th, 2011

YOUI GotGOOFED Haunted

BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR

“Ohh ha ha I’m a student at CSULB and I don’t give a shit about murder.” THAT’S YOU. You said that with your actions. The federal Good Samaritan laws means you have to care about murder so you all should expect to go to jail very soon after what happened with Brad Blueberry. I am a piece of shit my dick looks like a piece of shit.

Okay that is what I wanted to talk about. After Brad Blueberry died from murder by one of the Union editors, he’s been haunting the shit out of the Grunion basement. Really just haunting us silly.

He is haunting this terrible article.

He’s been playing pranks all week.

For example I was about to write a really informative, journalistic article, but then I went to replenish some of my energy by eating an orange. I bit into the orange and it was mostly cat litter. I was so upset I wrote this piece of shit article instead of the other one I was working on. Later, one of our talented Grunion caterers cooked us a delicious Chinese food meal, but when we opened up our fortune cookies, instead of a fortune, there was just a strip of pubes. We then heard a ghostly voice whisper “your fortune is pubes” and we

were chilled to the core.

I really hope he doesn’t find his way to the printers and mess with our page somehow and give everyone a big scare. That would be a simply sinister prank for a ghost to do and I would hate it.

You might be asking yourself what you can do to help. If not, you are probably just repeating “Hitler” over and over in your head because it seems like you are doing whatever you can to be the worst human ever. All you have to do is sign onto the Grunion Facebook page. Yes it exists and it is even more pathetic than you could imagine. Once you’re on there just post your guess of who killed Brad Blueberry. I’m the worst human ever I’m a cat food burrito. There were clues all over last semester’s Grunion I’m sure.

The only thing I’m more sure of is that no one cares. The murderer is a Union page editor. It’s super easy and frankly I’m pretty disappointed that I have to explain this.

So go out there and find the murderer or else the murderer will find YOU. The murderer will be me and you will be the one murdered forever!! Pleasant screams. I deserve all the death in the world and a disgusting ghost cough will soon be coughed into my mouth.

LBUNION.COM

“Goo-ed Out” Car Modifications Taking the Nation by Storm

BY TEEJAY DINKLE Car modifications are nothing new. It seems like everywhere you turn, you see a car with some kind of aftermarket addition. From big-ass spoilers to speaker systems so loud a man walking down the street can’t even hear his own pathetic sobs.

Car enthusiasts such as Greg Davies are always looking for the next big trend in aftermarket modifications. “I’m always looking for the next big trend in aftermarket shit to put on my car,” said Davies at a local car exhibition.

While most of these modifications are often practical, many are purely for aesthetic purposes. One of these modifications is affectionately known as “gooing-out” one’s car, and it is becoming one of the most popular new car modifications to hit the street.

“Gooing-out is when you put goo dispensers all on the bottom of your car. Your car is dripping constantly whenever you drive and you leave a huge goo trail everywhere you go. People love it,” Davies told the press as a torrent of goo made everyone’s feet soggy. “You can make it all different colors, but the preferred colors for goo are green and purple, for obvious reasons,”

An image of a car “gooing-out” as it drives down a residential street. While originally inspired by ghosts, human beings have adapted this gooing technique for use in the physical plane as well.

said Davies after we asked him a completely unrelated question.

While most car modifications are inspired by real world practicality or human visual appeal, “gooing-out” stands alone in that it was inspired by supernatural phenomena. “I think a ghost haunted my car or some shit. Like a poltergeist all up in there dripping goo all over the place. That’s where I got the idea for ‘gooing-out,’” Davies said.

Local man Albert Crumsen is not as enthusiastic about the gooing-out trend. “This shit’s stupid,” said Crumsen, “I got ecto-gism all

over my shoes and my dog is stuck in there. Look at him, he hates the goo. This gooing trend is a menace to society and I want it to be stopped immediately by either men or ghosts. I don’t care.”

While some may be undecided on the benefits of “gooing-out” additions to cars, I think we all can agree that ghosts are extremely spooky and I really hope they don’t end up haunting this page right here even though there may be a vengeful spirit with unfinished business floating around right now. Pleasant creams.

INSIDE

I Hope No Ghost Tickles Me, I Would Hate That

A Ghost Made Me Go Through Puberty Again

Brad Blueberry is back, and that’s pretty spook-tastic.

This reminds me of that time in Ghostbusters when Dan Aykroyd is sleeping in his bunk and that girl ghost comes over and pulls down his pants and gives him a tummyfart. Oh I hope that no ghosts visit me at night and give me a tummy-fart. I don’t want to wake up all sticky from a tickly sensation in the middle of the night. That would just be disastrous, I’d have to change my clothes and when my mom would wake me up in the morning, she’d say, “What’s all this stuff on you?” and I’d have to say, “Well Mom, Brad Blueberry gave me a wet tummy-fart.”

That would sure be embarrassing. I’d hate it. page GT2

In other haunting news, ghost malefactor Brad Blueberry has initiated his “blue”berry curse on Grunion staffer Chad Sprankle, forcing him to experience puberty a second time in his college life. Sprankle, most known for finally ridding himself of his debilitating acne, social awkwardness and a fanatical lust for “pussy man, pussy,” has now regressed back into his three month-prior self.

“Man, this sucks, my mom won’t shut up again, and everyone makes fun of my voice on Xbox Live. This is bullshit, man,” Sprankle said, dropping his two-monthold laundry at the foot of the washing machine for his mom to clean later. page P2

“I Can’t Wait To Go To Hell” RIP Brad Blueberry

page B2