News
Delusions
SCIENCE INVENTS SELF-AWARE FEMININE PRODUCTS
STUDENTS PROTECTED FROM FIRST AMENDMENT
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CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, LONG BEACH
DAILY
Vol. DIX, Issue 3
www.LBunion.com
69er
Monday, May 02, 2011
Football Returns to CSULB 49er Football (Sport) returns to CSULB BY AMORE HALFAMANISH Sports Editor
Hella Fartstinky | Daily 69er
$35,000 buried to protect students from First Amendment Also, no one cares because football is back baby!
YoGo! Creations expands into world of soup, ladles YoGo! Creations replaces Union Weekly office with new soup themed location BY TRASHCAN BUTTCHILI City Editor
In lieu of the Union Weekly’s shutting down, YoGo Creations, the university’s predominant frozen yogurt vendor, held a press conference last night announcing the company’s acquisition of the Union Weekly’s office. YoGo Spokesman Bon Glover started the meeting by announcing, “We intend to open up a second YoGo Creations, strictly specializing in soup, complete with soup bar and all the necessary soup accoutrements—croutons, garnishes, umm… oyster crackers, bean sprouts, fuckin…
Union Weekly shut down ASI finally does something BY MARCO BELTRAN Asst. News Producer
Klamydia-Gonorrhea | Daily 69er
in store for the campus, Glover continued, “This is merely the first step in YoGo’s expansion, in a few months you can expect us to replace Sbarro’s Pizza with a YoGo Salsa Creaciones, not to mention a YoGo Animal Shelter, a YoGo Dojo, a sex shop called YoGo Temptations, and a combination YoGo/Togos on just upper campus alone. We at YoGo Creations are very excited to take advantage of a fledgling university knee deep in a financial crisis and expand accordingly. Don’t be surprised if this time next year you’re an alumni of CSUYoGo.” Spokesman Bon Glover then ended the press conference by flinging free spoonfuls of soup and frozen yogurt onto female audience member’s faces and chests. It was horribly degrading and shitty for everyone involved.
ASI officials were forced to close the Union Weekly office indefinitely after the incident that happened Saturday evening. Sources present during visit noted an intense smell of feces and a false wall concealing 35 years of beer cans, but what finally pushed ASI to shut them down was the total lack of oversight within the office. “We let them know well in advance that we were coming, so I don’t understand why they didn’t at least try to conceal what was going on. I mean, we found a student writing an article called, ‘I’m literally in a pussy right now’ while he had his partially erect penis inside his girlfriend’s vagina.” Editor-in-Chief Kevin O’Brien could not be reached for comment because he was too busy masturbating to his own reflection. ASI funded the Union Weekly with more than $35,000 annually from student fees.
See CREATIONS, Page 2
See FUNDING, Page 2
YoGo! Creations model for success.
more soup.” When questioned as to why a frozen yogurt company is choosing to extend its reach into the world of soup, Glover said, “We were looking at the facts and the facts say that CSULB is a predominantly female campus, with a 75% female student body. The facts also say that females love soup. The campus is clearly lacking in any soup presence for these women, we look to fill that void with large quantities of soup.” When asked to produce his facts for all to see, Glover responded, “Anyone can go on ‘The Internet’ and find a plethora of ‘documents’ and ‘statistics’ and ‘Wikipedias’ explaining how feminine soup is, and how strong men are.” Glover then demanded the audience to “Bing it.” But that’s not all YoGo has
With the recent shut down of the Union Weekly, and the reacquisition of $35,000 of the student body’s funds, President F. King Alexander has proudly announced: “Football will return!” At a recent press conference, Alexander declared the wait is over, and the student outcry for the return of the 49er Football Team has been answered with a resounding “hell yes. Hell fucking yes.” Despite this positive announcement, there still is a great deal of work to be done. It has been confirmed that the sports staff will be putting together a rag-tag, scrappy group of students for CSULB’s newly created football squad. Applicants of varying backgrounds, sizes, and attributes are encouraged to come to the Journalism Department in the SSPA building to apply to achieve certain glory after defeating CSULB’s rivals in a last minute play. Applicants should be motivated, from the inner city, and must have a heart of gold. A certain character trait that defines you as a person is a must, a hat for example, or a love for classical music, or a slimy, serpentine tail hanging out of your sports pants are a must. As far as a stadium, it is clear that 35,000 dollars, while being an obscenely large amount of money, is not enough to fund the erecting of a stadium. Instead, the faculty has elected to experiment with black magic in hopes of bending the space-time continuum and creating more square footage on our campus in order to conjure a field. Free of charge. A soul has no monetary value. A bold move that will hopefully pay off for the vengeful spirits, students, and faculty alike. The students’ voice has been heard, and 49er football will return for many future adventures and triumphant wins. No football experience is necessary for applicants to the football program, the ragtagier the better. Get out there and have some fun with the school’s new football team. In the words of the football director himself: “Play ball! Oh my god, a portal to hell has opened up and tiny demons are dragging me down into the lapping flames stop taking notes please help me!” Look out for the very first football game in the math department, where the new football team will take on the nerds by tackling them from behind and spiking their expensive calculators into the cold, hard concrete. Go Beach!
See FOOTBALL, Page 8
ATTENTION: DISCLAIMER Hello, campus of CSULB! This is your friend Tampon Sam, and I’m here to bring you some laughs with this edition of the Union Weekly’s biannual spoof. The idea of the spoof is that it’s not real. Except for where it says that it is real. That part’s real. This part is real. Or is it? Is this a spoof of a spoof? Is the enemy of my enemy my friend, or my anemone? Who is Spain? Why is Hitler? When is right? Where is that stooped and mealy-colored man I used to call poppa when the merry-go-round broke down? I don’t know. But the point is you shouldn’t take this seriously. Seriously, jus’ chill.
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Monday, May 02, 2011
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Student archaeologist discovers self in Mayan Ruins BY MANGY VD ASS Video Editor
Renowned adventurer and archaeologist Barabbas Gwynnethe Pendragon discovered a treasure much greater than gold during a recent excavation of ancient Mayan ruins: he discovered himself. As the expedition cleared a path into the temple’s miraculously-preserved reflecting pool, Barabbas gazed deep within his own abandonment issues stemming from his absentee father. “There we were dodging Bronze-age booby traps, and I finally realized that my whole career has been one big misled attempt to earn my father’s respect. And that’s when I put my fossil brush and bull-whip down and walked out.” Pendragon reportedly canceled a trip to the Sacred Abattoir of Fiji, exchanging his plane tickets for a one-way flight to Paris. “I’ve
always wanted to take up photography, but I just never had time. All that’s over now. I’m living just for me now.” Added Barabbas, “It’s like a prehistoric Pharoah’s curse has been lifted off my shoulders.” In a definite sea change, Barabbas has recently begun taking classes at the local YMCA in cake decorating, watercolors, and ballroom dancing. “I just want to be open to what life has to offer. I used to just exist, going from dig to dig, evading shadowy foreign operatives; I never stopped to smell the flowers. Sometimes the flowers were highly poisonous, but you get my meaning.” The famous explorer says that there were signs of his pending life-change: “Once my entire expedition party was killed by possessed tribesmen in the Congo. When I got home I realized my number of facebook friends had suddenly dropped to zero. Plus my dad died. I mean,
I know I’m not the only person whose dad has died, but it just hit me really hard.” Pendragon, who has always been notable for his functionover-fashion style, says he’s ready to live lavishly. “I set up some buyers for a collection of Indonesian gynecological tools from the 10th century. I don’t know why, but those things went for a fortune. I already put a down payment on one of those Mini Coopers and a little bungalow in the Mission District.” As for the assassins, jihadists, and mummified nazis who are forever in pursuit of Pendragon, he has asked for forgiveness. “I realize that I had stepped on a lot of toes in my zeal to capture and exhibit the holy trinkets of every culture on Earth, and I invite all those I’ve offended to pop over for a cup of tea and a scone so that I can express my sincerest apologies to you all.”
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Bookstore to give full refund BY OBSCENE ZOO PICTURE Asst. Diversions Editor
Punctual and risky students looking to get some extra cash in their pockets can head to the campus bookstore from May 2 to May 9 to sell back their books for 100 percent of the sale price. Not only can they sell these books for full price, but the bookstore is also accepting books from previous semesters as well. “Many of the discretionary funds that were allocated to 49er Shops will go to complete waste if they aren’t spent before Governor Brown’s new budget is enacted,” said George Irkman, president of the 49er Shops Association. Many students were concerned that selling their books the week before finals would leave them handicapped in their studies. “It’s a risk, to be sure, but I haven’t studied this semester so far, so I think I’ll be okay,” Corbin Dallas, senior biology major said. There is one caveat of the surplus funds for the bookstore; they
are limited in quantity. “First come, first serve, is how wer are going to operating,” said Irkman. “Students who are early risers and bring us a big pile of books before others will get precedence over those who, like most students, are lazy and inefficient.” So what will become of the all the extra books that are being bought back up? “Well, they will unfortunately be set ablaze in the Recycling Center Parking lot. There won’t be any cars there due to the Recycling Center having to close due to budget cuts,” said Peter Peterson, Recycling Center Manager. Due to recent cuts in recycling refunds, recycling the books would prove to be costlier in shipping and transportation than in refunds. “We’re making lemonade out of lemons and trash though, the Recycling Center will be having a fundraising barbecue at the book burning. If we sell enough hot dogs and marshmallows at the bonfire, we might be able to get back to business of recycling used text books,” said Peterson. Firefighters will not be available, as they also have had their hours cut due to budgetary problems as well.
Journalism book left unread BY TRASHCAN BUTTCHILI City Editor
A book espousing the professional and ethical tenets of journalism has still gone unfortunately unread on Tuesday, April 26. The book, lonely and collecting dust, has many useful tips and tricks for fledg-
ling journalists to make sure articles are written with veracity, accuracy and cultural sensitivity, so said the instructor who recommended the book. “[The book] really is probably equivalent to the Bible and the Quran for children as this book is for journalists,” said Dr. Rudy Tippinghast. “There are also really good tac-
Student Group, Protest, Water BY BOOBIE DICH Editorial Cartoonist
In the quake of budget cut rallies and abortion problems, there seems to be a new problem with CSULB. It was reported last Thursday afternoon that crowds of people and individuals alike were expressing their freedoms of speech by protesting what is shaping up to be the worst host of harrassment since Chancellor Reid: water. The strikes against water were started by a new group on campus called the Anti-Water Association, or AWA for short. The group’s rationale for the uprising involved things such as Arrowhead brand water tasting gross, the weather “being so weird lately,” and solids, gasses, and plasmas not getting enough attention in the media. Leader of AWA Garth DuPont stated at the rally by the school’s main water lines, “We’re sick and tired of water overpowering us as students. There’s no soda, we need water. We have to shower, we need water. When does it end? It’s time to break these molecular bonds, so to speak.” One of the picketers who had a very good opinion was Nutrition major Dicky Whistlethorpe who said, “I’m really [sick] and [tired] of wa-
ter ruining my lunches. Every time I put an ice pack in my signature Scooby Doo lunch box, it gets all condensationy and makes my bread soggy like a wet sponge and I hate that. I should know, my mom used to sponge bathe me with Wonder Bread all the time.” Another main complaint was that the water from the drinking fountains had a bad taste, according to senior Comparative World Literature major Jenna Carbovski: “It just has that tinny taste to it, you know? If I wanted a tinny taste in my mouth I’d lick a swing set, not drink from a public fountain provided by the city for constant hydration and thirst quenching. Gross.” But not everyone shared Carbovski’s opinion. Some pro-water supporters shook their liberal agendas at the dissenters and stated that millions of people in the world don’t have access to clean water and that we shouldn’t take water for granted. They were then pelted with watermelons and icicles, both of which AWA is trying to legally classify as a dangerous weapons unprotected by the Second Amendment. AWA tried hosting a second rally on Saturday, but it was rained out.
tics for learning how to fill space. Using large and unnecessary pull quotes is just one of the many space filling techniques,” Tippinghast said.
‘Using large and unnecessary pull quotes is just one of the many space filling techniques’
Continued from Page 1 “There was period blood everywhere,” Olmos said. The sharks were hungry, too, Olmos said. “We should have seen it coming, really. It was just one big oversight that won’t ever happen again.” Even though that Thursday at the aquarium was mired in disaster, the rest of the 6th grade class of Cubberly Middle had an amazing time at the Zoo on Friday. “I really had an amazing time at the Zoo,” said Georgina Irons, 6th grader. After leaving home, the 6th grader decided to take a sip of her dad’s beer, only to discover that alcohol is the devil’s drink and God was very disappointed. Her parents were very mad at him. They decided to verbally berate him in order to show him the error of his ways. “You look like an avocado in a bowl of mustard, you are a bad son,” said her father. “You look like a drawer full of oatmeal with a fork floating in the middle,” said her father. “You look like a rake with a wig stuck in the sharp part and it’s floating in the eternal void of space. That is your soul,” the mom concluded. The girl felt very bad for all the shark stuff and the sinning and all the sins of the human race throughout the years. Also that rake part really got to her.
Continued from Page 1 noodles.
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Monday, May 02, 2011
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Our View, brought to you by Burger King’s Chicken Tenders! Last Tuesday, I got to campus an hour early for my “Chemistry in the 1980s” class only to find parking to be a bit of a B.I.T.C.H. with a capital B.(am I right?) All the spots were taken in the parking structure, and I drove around for 45 minutes eating a delicious Whopper with Cheese, made to perfection before I found a spot! ARGH! If that reasonably priced, flame-broiled Whopper hadn’t been there, I would’ve probably yelled, or written a letter to F. King (not to be confused with B. King, the Burger King [not to be confused with B.B. King, which stands for UR IEW Black Bluesman King—not the burger king]). But this isn’t the first time this has happened since the campus has started admitting all races and creeds, which I believe began in the Spring of 2006. I’ve found it difficult to find any parking close enough to my classes. That means every night I walk the mile back to my car with my Chicken Nuggets, now just 99-cents. That’s right, I said 99 cents! The perfect mix of juicy chicken battered and spiced to perfection and Burger King’s Honey Mustard sauce (Sweet & Sour and Barbecue variety dipping sauces also available) almost makes me forget the debilitating fear I have of someone jumping out from behind a car and attacking me to get at my sweet, juicy, white meat. Once I figure out the parking fiasco, I get to class and my problems are just beginning. My professor is totally just going through the motions. You’d think that remedial math would be a fun class, but no, the professor lectures the entire hour. What do I look like, a math engineer? Plus, he’s old and I bet he’s never even heard of an iPod (am I right?). If I hadn’t brought a medium-sized sleeve of crispy, golden brown Burger King fries (preferred 5 to 1 over McDonald’s and Wendy’s fries) I might have killed myself. I could barely hear him over the lip-smacking goodness of some BK fries drenched in my favorite Heinz Ketchup topping. Way better use of my money than some math textbook that I’m not even going to read, am I right? Luckily, the sustenance of the fries brought my taste buds to life and flipped my boner to the “on” position (right up in the waistband, know what I mean?). My professor tried to tell me after class that I was failing and that I was in danger of being expelled due to grades and that my nose was bleeding all over his desk and shoes, but it’s like “whatever old man, call me when this class gets a deepfryer, it’s two thousand eleven. Lady Gaga.” But, if you ask me, or anyone else here at the 69er, you’ll hear the same response: the campus can pay for stupid profes-
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sors, new fountains, lacrosse, fire alarms, swimming pools and a frozen yogurt vendor, but why aren’t our funds going to anything important? Which is to say, why isn’t the money going to things that I use on a regular basis instead of programs that I’m not aware of and/or choose not to use? Why aren’t our funds going to bringing in something for the students, like a burger joint that puts the customer first and offers quality burgers at prices any college kid can afford (Like the French Toast Sticks, now on the dollar menu). I mean, people keep going on about Global Warming here
on campus. They quote “scientists” and “liberals,” saying that the summers are getting hotter and that all the ice in the world is melting, and that it’s all because cows keep farting. And I’m like hey, science bros, it’s called Summer (AM I RIGHT?!). If only there were some way the “scientists” could figure out how to kill all of those cows who’re ruining the world and turn them into mouth-watering BK Stackers, which you can purchase single, double, or even triple-stacked! A couple of succulent BK Stackers could cure what ails the world (Global Warming and starvation and all that).
College oppressivates fun, pretty girls like me I always thought college would, please, allow me to say, quite frankly, be awesome. It’s fun to be a girl in college because guys will admire you and tickle under your chin and take you out to yogurtland. Well little did I know! College has turned out to be nothing but an array of boring, dumb amusements for a population none other than: males. Ladies, do you feel me on this one? College is full of things that boys love. Whether it’s eating food at school, talking with classmates in class, or exercising at the wellness center, a girl just can’t compete with college for a guys’s attention. Me and my guy were sitting in some class. I was rolling my eyes
Daily 69er Sexoffender Beard Editor in Chief
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and pouting my lips the whole time and what was this dude doing? Taking notes and looking at nothing but our gross, ugly teacher. My leg rubbed against my seat (woops!) and made a wet, farting noise (cute?). No response! Sorry girls, but if you MILY want your man’s eyes on you, college is not such an insitution where you should be at. Fact: thousands were offended by antiabortion protests a couple weeks ago. I for one, thank you, am an ardent feminist who was really very mad at this. I mean, those
pictures of all the dead future babies? Super distracting to any man, as the best guys happen to love blood and violence. I was wearing new jeans that day, and my guy didn’t even notice! He just walked straight up to the bloody-baby girls at the protest NDPOOS to discuss the issue. Anti-abortion protests and other things at college have replaced people like me as “the hottest girl on campus.” College. My guy is such an epidemic. A doctor told him he has a “terminal” illness. I haven’t researched what that means, but
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Disclaimer: None of this should be taken seriously. Not a single word or image within these pages is sincere. This entire publication is a spoof and a work of satire, and does not represent the views of the Union Weekly, CSULB, Associated Students Incorporated, the Daily 49er, or any person mentioned herein. All copy edit mistakes are intentional to show the Daily 69er’s incompetence. Don’t call any of the numbers listed within. This is entertainment. Please, lighten up and take a joke.
as a sexy woman like myself, I am ticked. He sleeps all the time, throws up everything he eats, and keeps trying to contemplate his mortality right in front of my face. And I’m like, I thought you were into me? Hello? Girls, we’ve got to take back what’s ours. College should be a place where a woman should be valued, both for her hotness and her willingness and ability to sexually pleasure a man. Please email me because its just not right, unless you are ugly because I don’t care. Amily is a ninth-year Ice Skating Amputation major and contributing word-maker for the Daily 69er.
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Opinions
Monday, May 02, 2011
www.LBunion.com
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What do you think of next year’s cuts? “I’m not worried at all about next year’s butts. The Rec Center is a butt-watching goldmine! Man, just thinking about this year’s butts makes me drool from my erection. Wait, what? Oh, CUTS!”
“I’ll answer your question with a question: Would you be interested in Bible study?”
“One time during summer camp we had a magician come and I was the girl he wanted to cut in half. Now I’m dead and a ghost.”
Leviticus Dela Cruz, junior, animal sexuality major
Gertrude Crablamp, 43rd year, majorly spooky
Chester Sadmat, senior, mustard major
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Letters to/from the Editor The Union Weekly is over; the editor Kevin O’Brien has been fired and blue-balled from the field of journalism. And all it took was an article on how to get a girl in bed, one that was written by women, an article on a cultural event, and any other reason you feel like making up not to like the Union Weekly. Blame it on O’Brien. Feed his fire. Meanwhile, I’m over here creating real journalisms and people just pick us up to read while they relieve their bowels. Frankly, I’m tired of just being in the shadow of O’Brien, running a newspaper only read when people squeeze out poop. It is time for the eyes and boners of the CSULB campus to turn toward us at the Daily 69er. As far as I can tell, the only thing people respond to are inflammatory articles. That and my socially crippling lower back sweat. We have both of those in spades (my back sweat creates a wet, spade-shaped stain on my shirt). You want to talk about zero oversight? I’m not even looking at the computer right now as I type this. I’m gazing wistfully out the window. Kevin O’Brien is going to go down in the annals of campus history, and I’m going to end up having to go down on the anals of the history department just to pass with a C and graduate. Look at me! I am here. I exist. Don’t make me go Gay Hemingway on a
shotgun, in some desperate cry for attention and help. I am capable of love. I doubt God reads a campus newspaper, but I did hear he reads the internet, so God, if you’re reading this on the internet, please take some of Kevin O’Brien’s infamy, smug arrogance, and charismatic frat-swag and infuse it into my sluggish, back-haired body. O’Brien’s losing the hair on his head leaving him looking like a 21-year-old John Lithgow, yet he still continues his day-to-day life and job with devil-may-care attitude of a 21-year-old Bret Easton Ellis character. Is it cocaine? Does he do loads of coke? I tried coke once but it just made my back sweat profusely for hours and I think someone made me drink piss out of a Gatorade bottle. I woke up in a puddle and I was listed as Editor-InChief in this newspaper. So to God and our readers, how far down do I have to go for you to notice the terrible, terrible journalism that we practice on a daily basis; and by daily, I mean four days a week. There are seven days in a week. Each day our front page is adorned with a photo that ranges from mundane and mute, to flagrantly out of place, but reliably next to an unrelated headline. We put a picture of kids jumping on a bounce house next to a headline reporting the death of a student in a freeway accident. We’ve claimed that
gay history should not be taught in schools, and have called Trig Palin, the infant son of Sarah Palin, a retard. Not mentally retarded, just a retard. And that’s the way it is. Notice me. Validate me. How imcompetant do we have to get? I can’t go much lower. Mail time now and for all. Sexoffender Beard, Editor-in-Chief
Some of my writers, most of my writers, would rather make very obvious, popular and therefore general and non-descriptive pop culture references instead of using their imaginations and growing as writers and people. The result is the stack of garbage that we pile into the stands four times a week. You don’t like it? Well you shouldn’t.
Mail time now and for all. Sexoffender Beard, Editor-in-Chief
Dear Daily 69er, This is the end of the road. No, that’s not right. It’s the beginning of the road. I’m running away, Daily 69er. And I ain’t neva comin’ back. I’m tired of you telling me to do my chores and feed the dog. I hate that dog. He has such a sad face it drives me nuts. Give all my toys to Robbie across the street. Except my Beast Wars stuff. Keep those on my shelf next to my maccaroni necklaces. I should also tell you that it was me who pooped in the VCR. I blamed it on a ghost and you believed me and that was a lie. Don’t try to find me or else I’ll lie to the police and say that you only fed me lima beans for all three meals a day. I should probably eat a lima bean just so I know how to descrbibe how gross they are. Anyway, good riddance. Sincerely, Your Ward
Dear Daily 69er, Thank you so much for your article covering the parking problem on campus. Covering campus events is a necessary action for any campus newspaper, and you never fail to cover even the most minute of events. However, was it necessary for the author to keep referring to the band Sugar Ray? Sure, everyone liked the band back in the day, and I don’t mind the author enjoying their music, but replacing every other word with a song lyric or title from the band was distracting, and frankly unprofessional. Please make sure to use more editorial oversight in the future, and keep opinions on popular ‘90s bands in the correct section. Thank You, A Concerned Mother of Two
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Meth gives mixed emotions Curious wise-Guy gives his take on the polarizing topic of the drug, known as Meth. BY RUDY SLAPPENTICKLE Contributing Writer
Of all of the so-called ‘drugs,’ Meth is very popular and offers a wide variety of experiences for students. Mostly commonly smoked in the bushes of East Campus drive between the Microbiology and Faculty Offices 4 building, Meth is a stimulating experience for methoriented students and faculty alike. Invented in Japan, methamphetamines are often prescribed medically for impotence and excess tooth. Although meth has yet to catch on with a majority of mainstream America, its die-hard fans say they love it and insist that it’s a safe, fun way to spend all your rent money. Local drug dealer, transvestite, and senior Kinesiology major Jim Pabodi had this to say: “Eyo, you got twenty bucks, chief? This shit right here make yer skin bleed. I shit you not, you will see Elvis.” According to Pabodi, every meth experience is different, owing to complexities within the user’s body, the drug itself, and the method of dosing. However, according to first-time Hella Fartstinki | Daily 69er user Rudy S., the meth experience is akin to CSULB’s community of meth users sometimes like to do drugs in bushes “crawling up the butthole of one’s mind with lit much like this one. fireworks.” Some users report that meth comes on slow, like a wave of gentle childhood fears. But what begins as pleasantly itchy quickly turns into something grotesque and humbling and terrible, like an H.P. Lovecraft novel written in insect blood. Down, down into the depths of ancient reptilians catacombs I descended and emerged the godhead; a superbeing of unyielding might and insatiable wrath. I would give this feeling 8 out of 10 stars. But suddenly the eels of satyriasis zipping around beneath my skin betrayed me. I tried to scratch them out but it was too late: they were in control now. I was just a young man trying to hit a deadline on a topic I had no idea how to analyze. I just wanted to give the brusquest of reviews without saying anything that might reveal how little I knew or cared about my topic (the golden rule of Diversions section articles). And now here I was, barreling through my feelings like the devil’s own cruise missile of diarrhea and confusion. Oh God, the flashbacks… I can feel it. They’re coming back for me. They wanted my essence but I was too BREAKING: We found a gross dead bird behind smart for them, but they’ve brought more with them now. There is only one escape: We must merge with the bush. oblivion through The Great Crystal Door…
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Monday, May 02, 2011 34. Police Blotter
College Couple Engages In Premarital Sex If you see them, please alert campus police so they can be escorted to hell immediately. Student Accidentally Sleeps with Professor, Likes It Boy kisses Girl ON THE LIPS! Professor reports desire to teach missing, apathetic student body suspected. Serial Cocksucker still at large. Has your cock been sucked recently? Report cases to campus police immediately.
Unknown individual throwing Del Taco 49 cent bean burritos from top of psych tower. Countless students have been caught off-guard by bean burritos raining from the sky. The beans, cheese, and salsa have ruined (or improved, in this reporter’s opinion) many students’ clothes. Estimated damage $1,500. 04.25.11-21335
Student Fills In Bubbles At Top Of Scantron, Expelled
34 year old virginity, free. Please take it. Please, for chrissakes, I beg of you.
42. Misc for Rent/Sale I got this box in my bakyard that I need someone to taked out. Mommy went to visit Auntie Grebble in Flooreda and daddy said he donot want to see the box anymore, so come taked my stuff Found left over rope in Dad’s closet. Strong. Need to remove Dad’s body first. Harold Crenshaw was a World War II veteran and community leader. His baseball cards are worth thousands. You can have them for free. I don’t give a shit. Space for rent between my legs. 4ever-21337
My fucking daughter bought me an FUCKING IPHONE FOR CHRISTMAS. If your playing a movie on a telephone, you will in a trillion years be able to experience the film. You’ll think you have but you’ll be cheated. It’s a such a sad thing. buy this piece of shit.
05. Rememberry In Memoriam: Brad Blueberry was tragically slain several weeks ago. He is survived by a hardly used, B- condition boombox. 20 dollars or best offer. 12.06.10-21336
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01. Volunteer
selling a box of used condoms for 75% off retail price. Never got my girlfriend pregnant, so I can assuree you they work. I left them in a bowl of sanitizer just in case.
Coffin/casket for rent. Spacious 7ft x 3ft, titanium for extra strength. Really sturdy, can withstand tons of pounds of dirt and won’t break. Coffin does have a faint odor of mothballs and Werther’s Originals from last tenant. Rent must be paid on time, or eviction will happen. Will even evict my grandmother, and have.
Slightly used infant coffin for rent. Perfect for children under the age of five. Must provide death certificate, and first and last month’s rent. Fully furnished, rattles, pacifiers and mobile provided. $500 a month and $250 security deposit required. No pets!
daughter 4 sale. used, possibly broken.Dislikes taste of penis. $500 or best offer. I have a couple of DVDs and some sweat shirts that my cheating fucker exboyfriend left over that I don’t want in my house anymore. They smell like shit, so you can have them for free. They’ll be in a bag by PCH and Redondo. If no one picks them up, I’ll dip them in gasoline.
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69. Missed Connections SAW YOU CLIMBING A TREE, SCURRYING. BIG BUSHY TAIL. SUPER HOT. I HAVE SNACKS. CALL ME
Saw you and drew a portrait of you in class. i messed up the shading and your forehead got a little misshapen but you still seemed pretty impressed. i’m down for sex or kissing, whenever. hey i flashed you last wednesday. i realized after you ran away that my penis was covered in spiders. super embarassing. i cleaned them off and i’m ready to mingle. I woke up with my face in your crotch at that wicked rager at kel’s house on 2/24/2011. You were wearing cargo tech pants and an deftones shirt. I’m hoping we can share a bowl of soup sometime. Cute girl that works at the beach hut, I’m the guy that goes in twice a day to buy a bag of gummi worms. I just love the way your lips look when you say “1.79 is your total.” It makes me jizz a little in my sweats. hit me up if you ever want to know what 20+ hours of Mortal kombat does to a man’s hand dexterity. saw you last night at the bar. the room seemed to slow down as we walked past each other. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or that i had just been throwing up the STEAMING PILE OF GARBAGE i ate that morning, but you looked really cute. Hit me up!
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Monday, May 02, 2011
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Cheer team actually not a team? After full inspection experts suspect foul play, puppetry BY Closet Macaroni Contrabutting Writer
Hella Fartstinky | Daily 69er Human Photo Taker The Long Beach Lady’s sports team shows off some deft sports prowess too complicated to explain to a layman. Needless to say a fuckton of sport is going on.
School officials have recently responded to what can only be described as a scandal regarding the Cheers Team, forcing them to have to forfeit their special cheerleading award this weekend at a competition for cheerleading. “Things just weren’t looking right,” one school official officially said, “we had to get to the bottom of this.” To the bottom they went. After discovering that the entire chear teem was actually only one person operating an ellaborate puppet-like mechanism that controlled as many as eight or perhaps even more life size cheerleader puppets, the school officials were stupidfied. “This device is pretty bitchin’,” explains one stupidfied official, “But to think we were fooled for so long. What a dope I am!” He smacks himself in the forehead and smiles as he shakes his head, obviously feeling very stupid. What officially tipped officials off was the disastrous performance the cheer team gave at this competition last weekend. A wardrobe malfunction--when a performer’s constume piece comes off the performer--caused the ingenious puppeteer device to malfunction and start a small fire. This malfunction led to a malfunction in the execution of the team’s signiture move, the Cheeramid. A triple malfunction. “They so always nail the Cheermid,” shouts a disappointed fan, “The Cheermid isn’t supposed to crumble. Oh my god, that guy’s on fire.” The fan says he feels really let down by the team. Perhaps what makes this ellaborate hoax even more flummoxing is who the mastermind puppeteer is. Or who this puppeteer isn’t. Rushing to the pile of puppet parts, medics and fans alike pulled their beloved team captain out, only to realize they were too late. In a flailing frenzy, the captain, or who they thought was the captain, started spouting milky liquid from his orifices. To subdue the over-hyped cheerleader, one fan struck him with a giant
foam fan hand. “It’s a robot!” the fan told us later, “He’s a goddamned robot!” Officer Krozchichi reports that he noticed the cheer captain tugging at a zipper on the side of his head. “I had to react,” Officer Krozchichi says, “that’s when I knew what we were in for.” He looks off into the distance. Krozchichi says he pulled the zipper down, at which point a frenzied swarm of bees flew out of what then became apparent was a human body suit. When asked what she thought about the cheer team scandal, a student said, “The snacks are too expensive [at the competition].” School officials claim the cheer captain broke the rules of the competition. In the Rules for Cheerleading book it clearly states that “no competitors shall be insects. We’ve been tricked before,” which raises the question what the coach, Walter Humplestap, was thinking when he put the cheer team into the competition. “I think it’s a great example of team work,” Humplestap says, “and that’s the important thing.” Humplestap is from Minnesota. As Humplestap began walking away, his zipper caught on a corner, skin fell off, and a swarm of bees flew gracefully into the horizon, never to be seen again.
Player sits on ballsack, coach furious. Investigations are still underway in determining whether soccer star Christan Reynoso sat on a sack of soccer balls, injured himself by sitting on his own testicles, or possibly sat on the coach’s testicles. In any case, the coach is pretty pissed.
Ballsack | page 3
Film Walking Tour Location Scout Michael Buggs takes you on an exclusive tour of the Space Jam film spots on the CSULB campus.
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