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CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
chelsea.union@gmail.com
LEO PORTUGAL
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
gabe.union@gmail.com
Managing Editor Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN
marcob.union@gmail.com
COLLEEN BROWN
alison.union@gmail.com
ALISON ERNST
steveb.union@gmail.com
Senior Editor
Opinions Editor News Director
STEVE BESSETTE
johnv.union@gmail.com
JOHN VILLANUEVA
merm.union@gmail.com
Entertainment Editor
Music Editor
LEO PORTUGAL
Literature Editor
VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
vincha.union@gmail.com
CHRIS FABELA
leop.union@gmail.com
OCTOPUS GIRL
octogirl.grun@gmail.com
Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA
Art Director/Cover
CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor
CHRIS FABELA
On-Campus Distribution
STEVE BESSETTE
Advertising Executive
gabe.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com steveb.union@gmail.com
Contributors: JEWEL NICHOLSON ZAMEER HASSIM RACHEL CLARE TRAVIS BARON CODY ARNOLD SARA HAASE
CHEL ME ABOUT IT
cfab.union@gmail.com
MIKE PALLOTTA MATT DUPREE KEVIN O’BRIEN MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN ANDREW STOCKWELL FOLASHADE ALFORD
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office. Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 23, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : www.asicsulb.org/lbunion
LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
L
adies and gentlemen, welcome to the grand return of the Union Weekly. We rode out that relentless war of controversy last spring, holed up in our storm cellars, quivering with blankets over our heads, but we made it. Okay, maybe that isn’t quite exactly how it happened, but the point is the Union is back, and it was somebody’s great idea to put a woman in charge. Good luck with that one, guys. Really though, we weren’t completely ignorant during last year’s debacle. Just last week, our newly instated editors (pictured above) embarked on a group Vision Quest to discover the true spirit animal of this year’s Union Weekly. And what did we find? Mostly that we have really short attention spans and are going to get an office turtle. But we also discovered that this year’s Union staff does have a lot of potential to make this paper into something great.
When it comes down to it, we aren’t interested in controversy, pissing people off on purpose, or upholding the rich white boy stereotype we’ve somehow earned ourselves. We want to focus on being witty and intelligent people, that can bring a little bit of fun and relaxation and possibly news to everyone on campus. That can only bring good things, right? Who could start a petition against that? Do it. I dare you. Anyway, the majority of our summer has been spent getting ready for the long, winding road of Union awaiting us. Without the past three months of prep time, there’s no way we would have been ready for the next nine straight months of newspaper creation. The unimaginable amount of literal blank pages we have to fill this semester and next is daunting. More than anything, we’re going to need your help to get this done.
If you’re unsatisfied with your pisspoor education and are looking for something else to make your skyrocketing tuition worthwhile, come hang out at the Union Weekly. Anyone can write, draw, or take pictures for us, no matter how much you do or do not suck at what you do. Our open meetings are every Friday at 2 p.m. in our office, which is next to S’barro in the USU Courtyard. We’ll also have our first open meeting this Friday, August 26th, at Los Altos Park (behind the Wendy’s on Stearns) at 2 p.m. There will be free food, so I suggest you come. For now, let’s simply focus on these precious final seven days of summer before our poor, young, spongy minds are squeezed and mangled to a pulp by this lovely institution of knowledge. Luckily, my dear friends, you will always have the warmth and comfort of a freshly baked Union Weekly. See you in hell.
KEVIN: STILL SENDING PARTING WORDS FROM OUR EXITING EDITOR-IN-CHIEF KEVIN O’BRIEN FORMER EIC
Do you remember anything from my year? It was a little turbulent. Here is my advice. Find an ethos and stick to it. Do not worry about anything else. My ethos was to propagate student speech. Yours will undoubtably be different. But whatever it may be, hold fast to it. I say this because your principles will be the only fixed point. Associated Students Incorporated is a shattered and uncalibrated compass, endlessly spinning. They could not find North
if their lives depended on it. You need to find your own way. Because if you follow in the wake of ASI’s flagship, you will probably run-aground on a reef, and then the both boats will split open and sharks will eat every last one of you. Your corpses will litter the water and will be eaten and all record of your existence, your legacy, will be consumed by scavenger fish. The subtext is that if you let other people, people who may or may not
or definitely and totally may not have the strength of will that you have as EIC, then you will be steered towards ruin and your legacy will be lost and you will be forgotten. Dramatic? Yes. Convoluted? Very much, yes. But true? As always. Do what you think is right. Do it for the right reason. Do it for your reasons. Do these things and you will be fine and you will be remembered. Like I am remembered, as a legend, and a lover of women. UNION WEEKLY
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SUMMER JOBS MAKE ME H.R.L. CLEANING THE DORMS IS EXACTLY AS EXCITING AS IT SOUNDS TRAVIS BARON CONTRIBUTOR
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s I go into my last working week as a student assistant at CSULB for this summer, I can’t help but reflect on the experience that I’ve had and the things I’ve seen working for Housing and Residential Life (HRL). Before I get into any of the details I first must say that I’ve enjoyed working with all (but one) of the CSULB HRL employees—student assistants and full-time staff. Though the work itself wasn’t stimulating or a new experience for me, the employees who I worked with generally had tips or hints on how to work more effectively. Additionally, the technical knowledge that “CSULB Maintenance Assistant” required will be invaluable for putting on future job applications (even if I already knew how to do most of the things that I was doing this past summer). Despite
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CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR
the fact that I worked at minimum wage, I was guaranteed a forty-hour work week (no benefits, a loophole granted by the fact that I am a “Student Assistant”) which almost no summer job can guarantee nowadays. Weekends always ran free, so I pushed my social schedule to after 4 p.m. on weekdays and to the weekends. Overall, working at HRL was very worth the long hours. I would suggest applying to this job to anyone who can stand a little physical work, especially if it would be their first actual job, like it was mine. The one disclaimer I would make is to make sure that you have some music to listen to, because that’s the only thing that saved my butt from dying of boredom. This whole experience probably enriched me a lot as a person, but I might only be saying this because I get to
collect my paycheck tomorrow. So either way, it was worth it. There were additional benefits and drawbacks to working where I live (I dorm CSULB, even though it is so expensive). For one, I got to know everybody, and I mean everybody. Now if things happen the way they shouldn’t I can tell the proper people about such happenings. But I also got to see the inner workings of all the buildings and how old they really are. Some buildings don’t (and can’t because of the budget) receive some of the care that they actually need. Also, many of the workers have negative opinions of the people they work with and some of them cannot even communicate due to language barriers, even though they might all be good workers, and the dorm may suffer because
of a communication hindrance from either of these issues. I would hate to work there for an extended period of time due to the chain-of-command system at HRL. Many people have different ideas on how tasks should be carried out and the people at the bottom were always told things differently, depending on who they last talked to. It was a bit chaotic at times. Even though the system isn’t the best out there, our dorms are in good shape to live in and I’m happy to go back to the place where I live for the majority of the year. If I was asked for a closing statement it would have to be this: Parkside residents stop putting those damn thumbtacks in the walls because it fucks up the paintjob and how the wall looks! Two of my days spent fixing your fucking mess!
FUN IS AN UNPLANNED EVENT SO START WORKING IT INTO YOUR SCHEDULE TODAY ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
The best summer I ever had happened when I stopped caring. I was set on having fun and doing everything possible to have fun, but then I realized you can’t really plan fun. Fun, to be truly enjoyable and worthwhile, has to happen naturally. It ends up that the activities I think would be less exciting easily become my favorites. It’s the spontaneous, the unplanned, the unexpected that makes life more interesting. A random mini-golf trip proved to be one of my favorite dates ever. You’d think that college students wouldn’t have fun playing mini-golf at Boomer’s. People don’t realize that they have a
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choice. Life isn’t like high school where you have to act as if you like your peers. If you don’t really want someone in your life, you can distance yourself. I learned this lesson recently when I had a close high school friend who would always say hurtful things about me to my face. She once called me a “fat Eskimo” in our freshman dance class. It took me four years to realize that I didn’t need her friendship and that I could minimize the time we interacted. I like to think that she was jealous and felt compelled to lower my self-esteem to raise her own. Like most people, I do not care to be a verbal human punching bag, so if you have a friend
like this, I promise you will have more fun without this person in your life. You should surround yourself, almost exclusively, with people you want in your life. Why waste your time with someone you don’t really care about or that has a negative influence on you? Life is too short to have that friend who constantly brings you down. Fun should come organically if you only have people who you like and in turn, like you. It is really hard to enjoy every second as it happens, but you should. It seems like people are always looking forward to the next event, the next supposedly “more fun” thing. It doesn’t exist. We tend to
overly anticipate events. It’s a flaw but it is something that can be somewhat remedied by not thinking too far ahead and enjoying the present time with the people you’re with right now. So stop worrying about having fun, because it will come to you. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t look forward to things, but just gain a sense of pleasure in what is happening now. You can’t ever return to the moment that is happening now. Time is passing; you’re aging as you read this. So go forth and have fun, but don’t plan it. Surround yourself with the people you find yourself smiling most goofy with and stick with ’em.
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AND HE’S ALWAYS JUST A FRIEND SILENCE IS FOR SUCKERS FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER
I’ve been noticing as I get older my summers have been getting progressively better. Mainly in the sense that they’re more eventful, which I love. This summer in particular has been generally kick ass/primo/super tight/whatever descriptor word you like. I got an awesome new job (fuck you, Kmart!), I’ve been road trippin’ in my beautiful car, and I’ve partying like cray-zay. So you could say it’s been pretty amazing up until about a month ago. First let’s start with the dirty deets. I met this guy at a St. Paddy’s party. It was a ton of fun, but we barely talked. Clearly I was bummed, but we met again the next day at a mutual friend’s party. After we did the whole awkward kickin’ dirt and staring at the ground bullshit we went outside for some air. AKA making out. So it was fun, and definitely a good birthday present (future boys note: feel free to top this any way you please). Then we totally didn’t talk for a month, but when we did we sealed the deal, and it was pretty great for a first time. And to all you guys who are afraid of sexing virgins, I didn’t fall in
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JEWEL NICHOLSON CONTRIBUTOR
love with him. Afterwards we got bomb pops and I pride myself on being the person who introduced him. I mean, bomb pops are the fucking best. Anyways, we bounced back and forth between silence and sexing ‘til about July when things went south. The weird thing is, I barely know anything about him, but I’ve shared super intimate moments with this guy. It wasn’t for lack of trying, he’s just kind of awkward and you can’t make somebody talk to you. Believe me, I’ve tried. What sucks is that I went into this “just sex” thing trying to keep it casual, but it didn’t work. One way or another someone develops feelings for the other. I won’t lie, I was kind of sad, but more than anything I felt stupid as fuck. After trying my damndest not to like him, I did. And it’s difficult not to like someone you share things in common with; we both love Donald Glover and True Blood, not to mention he’s pretty fucking cute. Not only did I share my feelings but I got shut the fuck down. Apparently he’s “kinda seeing someone.” Well, shit.
I don’t regret it though; it was fun while it lasted. I mean he stole a Jack in the Box poster for me, which is so rom-com I can’t stand it. Also, I hope this isn’t too personal for you guys, but the last time we did the dirty deed it was to Childish Gambino, and let’s face it: it’s the perfect music for the occasion. Oh yeah, dream come true. I don’t suggest the fuck buddies thing, especially not as a first experience. You probably won’t get through it unscathed. I would also suggest that you get with someone who will be a fucking adult and talk to you. This goes for men and women alike. Regardless of whether you’re in a strictly physical relationship or not, silence is a killer. You live and you learn, and clearly I’m still learning. The thing is this lack of excitement has made me kind of boy crazy. Crazy in the sense that anytime I see a boy this magnetic force takes over me and I have to talk to him to see if he’s a prospect or not. After getting the figurative wind knocked out of me, I’m all better now. All the boys reading this feel free to come at me, I’m ready to have a go.
TATTOOED EVERYTHING A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BODY ART CODY ARNOLD CONTRIBUTOR
After almost five years since getting my first tattoo I have received countless questions about their meaning, the tattoo process, other types of body modification and some things that I can only categorize as extreme deviancy, i.e. S&M. In response to this laundry list of questions and comments directed to me in the relatively short time I’ve had tattoos, I’d like to address some common misconceptions and flat out falsities that I’ve come across. Tattoos hurt. The question that seems to be on almost every non-tattooed person’s mind is whether or not tattoos are painful to get. Of course having a needle plunge into your flesh thousands of times isn’t going to feel like being tickled by a feather. For some people the pain falls somewhere between a bee sting and a bad sunburn, while others who have a lower pain tolerance say it feels like dying. The misconception here is that a tattooed person can explain exactly what a
tattoo feels like to someone who has never gotten one. Everyone is different and has different sensitivities on different parts of their bodies. While the inside of my upper arms and the back of my neck are the most sensitive to me, other people may say those areas aren’t so bad. If you’re someone looking for a quick answer about how tattoos feel because you’re thinking about getting one, just know this: all tattoos hurt. I can get a job. In times of economic hardship, such as these, everyone is extra concerned about his or her marketability while looking for work. The misconception is that if you have prominent tattoos you will severely limit your job opportunities. While this may be the case on Wall Street, the employers I have dealt with in education, various forms of customer service, and the auto industry don’t see tattoos as employment deal-breakers. The reality is that over-one third of adults between 18
and 35 have tattoos, and even more outside that age group are tattooed as well. Though people who have more conservative sensibilities—my parents included—will tell you tattoos lock you in to a working class life, that is simply not the case. My advice to anyone considering covering large parts of his or her body with tattoos is to limit tattoos to areas that can be covered by professional attire, just in case. Tattoos are not deviant. What really pisses me off is when someone acts like having tattoos makes you a leper. Tattooed people, for the most part, are not trying to break from society and should not be looked upon as vile or ignorant. Yes, many criminals do have tattoos, but so do many artists, musicians, and college students. Tattooing is an art form that has origins thousands of years old, so for those who like to say they hold more “traditional” views, the tattoo tradition predates all modern religions—even Mary Magdalene
could have had a tramp stamp. Although tattoos are lumped together with piercings, subdermal implants, branding, pearling, tongue splitting and other strange acts, tattooing is actually the safest form of body modification. Tattoos heal in a half or a third of the time as piercings, and have a much lower risk of infection if cared for properly. Take a look around at how many people have their ears pierced, and remember that while piercings take two to six months to completely heal, tattoos heal in four weeks. Tattooing is a very individualistic endeavor. Everyone who is tattooed got tattooed for a unique reason. It’s important to understand that deciding to get a tattoo is like making any other decision. There are benefits and drawbacks to getting a tattoo, and there is definitely pain involved in the process. But, like my little league coach once said, nothing worthwhile is completely pain free. UNION WEEKLY
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STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF
TAKE SOLACE IN THEIR DESTRUCTION
FORMER EIC KEVIN O’BRIEN SAVES THE DAY, YOU ARE WELCOME KEVIN O’BRIEN FORMER EIC
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or some students, the bus is a necessity. For those students, the 22nd of August and the reinstatement of the U-PASS Program must be a relief. Since 2008, the U-PASS Program has allowed all currently enrolled CSULB students, faculty, and staff to utilize all Long Beach Transit buses for free. However, the U-PASS resource is only available during the academic year. In terms of the fall semester, the academic year constitutes the time between August 22nd and December 23rd, and in terms of the spring semester the academic year constitutes the time between January 23rd and May 25th, 2012. This resource is provided by a partnership between CSULB and Long Beach Transit; however, there is obviously a limit to Long Beach Transit’s generosity or CSULB’s leverage. Those students driven enough to attend the university during the winter session, May intercession, and summer semesters are ignored and neglected in terms of the U-PASS program, despite demonstrating the drive that our
CHRISTOPHER FABELA COMICS EDITOR
university should be encouraging and despite paying the inflated intercession tuition and fees that our university requires. There are some 30 bus stops on and around the CSULB campus. Some of them will take you down Beach Drive past Brotman Hall, where the upper echelons of our university are seated, including the offices of the university president and vice president. I would suggest you take moments passing by Brotman Hall to dwell on the habit our university officials have made of coming up short for the student body. Make the most of the large windows of the Long Beach Transit buses, imagine a suitable and preferably hyperbolic natural disaster engulfing and consuming all of Brotman Hall. Take solace in these imaginary moments, let them pass by slowly, for come winter session, May intercession, and the summer semester, these moments will cost you and your fellow students. The fee may be nominal to some, but to others, compounded over may days of dutiful attendance it is an insurmountable eco-
nomic handicap. There is a portion of the CSULB website dedicated to the U-PASS program. On this page this statement can be read, “Because of a struggling economy and difficult budget years ahead for both Long Beach Transit and CSULB, the U-PASS program has been scaled back slightly to be in effect during the academic school year only.” That “slight” scale back has been affecting students in the cities of Long Beach, Lakewood, Signal Hill, as well as those in portions of Artesia, Bellflower, Carson, Cerritos, Compton, Hawaiian Gardens, Norwalk, Paramount, and Seal Beach for months now. Hopefully those students will enjoy a feeling of belated justice when they swipe their identification cards through the Long Beach Transit bus fare-box machine this fall, instead of a reminder of the injustice and impediment that they have had to deal with thus far— an impediment not only to their mobility, but to their education, allowed by none other than CSULB.
COMING FULL SOAR-CLE FROM SOAR STUDENT TO ADVISOR COLLEEN BROWN
MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR
I don’t know if you’re having as much fun as I’m having. I’m sitting at home picking and collecting belly button lint in a jar so I can feed it to my mother for breakfast if she ever yells at me again about walking around in my sweat pants and the Simpsons tank top that doesn’t fit past my stomach, but we can’t all live like kings. I guess she just doesn’t get that sometimes I just want to drown whatever career aspirations I had when I was 10 into a tall glass of ice cream (I’m lactose intolerant). If you’re reading this then next semester is your first here, or you’re one of those loser people attending summer school in order to get out of this bottomless money hole as quick as possible. There isn’t much to do this week and by the time you read this it will probably be Wednesday already, but I’ll try my best to put my multiple years attending this institution to good use to find an event for you or come up with something good to do. Here’s a week’s worth of things to do to keep your ass doing shit. On Monday, August 22, I guess you could watch a marathon of Gilmore Girls. I don’t know how fun that would be. My sister seems to enjoy doing that when she’s on vacation, but she’s in high school and doesn’t understand that watching things to the point where you know what every character is going to say before they say it is dumb. I could let you borrow the first season. If you’re interested, meet me in front of Sbarro’s on the first day of school. Just look for the guy wearing the “Big Dogg on Campus” shirt.
UNION STAFFER
Last summer, I attended my SOAR orientation at Cal State Long Beach as a wideeyed, overly optimistic freshman. I was swelling with joy at all the imagined prospects on the horizon. Only a month before, I had decided to abandon my dreams of being a performer on Broadway to pursue a career as a creative writer. Non-lucrative career paths are kind of my thing. When my SOAR advisors told me about the Union Weekly, I immediately decided that I had to be a part of it. I was drawn to it because it seemed controversial and exciting, and I’m generally about as edgy as a butter knife. So in my attempt to be cooler, I went to the first open meeting the newspaper had and wrote an article about my SOAR day. That began my journey through my first year of college, and I’ve ended up on the other side of the SOAR experience.
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I spent this past summer being a SOAR advisor. A year after my introduction to the university, I now know more about CSULB than most people would ever want to know. All summer, my coworkers and I gave tours of the entire campus and made first semester schedules for the 7,000-plus incoming students. We were trained for over a hundred hours (which included a three day mountain retreat) in order to ensure we were experts on the campus, as well as able to academically advise for virtually every major here. I got to work with students in every college, and learned that regardless of major, all students here are a lovely, important part of the Long Beach family. Just kidding! There were tons of douche-y transfer students who thought that they could yell at us because they had already “experienced life” and painfully
annoying freshmen who asked me, and I quote, “If I join a fraternity or sorority, will I have to put a banana in weird places?” The answer is yes, yes you will. But hopefully, I was able penetrate everyone’s minds with more useful knowledge than how phallic their college experience might be. But regardless of the unsavory characters I came into contact with this summer, I met lots of very exciting, motivated students. Overall, I tried to stress to everyone the importance of getting involved on campus. If you think you’re going to be fine just coming and going to classes without anything else to tie you here, you’re missing out on the most important part of college. Find something you’re passionate about and become a part of it. You’ll meet endless amounts of new and different people with fresh perspectives.
On Wednesday, August 24, you can meet me at the bathroom by KJAZZ. I came up with this really cool game where you have to pull your pants down to your knees and run from wall to wall before you run out of pee. I just came up with another rule. As you’re about to touch the wall, you have to yell “spaghetti” and squeeze out whatever you have left. Don’t miss out! It’s going to be really fun, competitive, and messy. Make sure to bring clothes you don’t mind getting pee on. On Friday, August 26, come down to Los Altos Park for our staff meeting. You’ll get a chance to meet all your favorite Union Weekly people that either didn’t graduate or got promoted to an editorial position.
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SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF LISTS
USER-GENERATED LISTS ON IMDB ARE THE WORST THING SINCE EBERT LOST HIS FACE STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
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he internet is full of pure insanity. It continually stretches limits like a fat man determined to fit into an old pair of sweatpants. At this point in our lives it has been taken from the pedestal of a medium to this other reality where words and ideas fly that couldn’t possibly be discussed or tossed around with a straight face in a public place. You’ve got your Minecrafts, your libraries of fan-fiction, your Rotten Tomatoes-esque “everyone’s a critic” message board fiestas, but there’s one little specific that is the ingrown mole hair of the online entertainment establishment, and that is the collection of Lists (yes, capital “L”) on the Internet Movie Database, commonly placed in the browser bookmarks tab as “IMDB.”
This website is a modest place for broad entertainment news, a few box office stats, and some great trivia, but more importantly it has become the knee-jerk encyclopedia for finding the name of an actor or movie when it’s right there on the tip of your tongue. It’s also a sick breeding ground for fools who ordain themselves as knowing the best and worst in a completely absolute fashion. These are the people who make lists on IMDB. These range from “Top 50 (Insert Filmmaking Profession)” to “Best All Time Comedies” to “Most Scariest Movies Ever”. Their list choices are a big deal. Grammar usually isn’t. The saddest thing about people who make these lists is that they think others give a crud in the good sense and give a crud in the bad sense. They love it when others take
the time to agree and they love to retort with defense against the few who submit a dissenting comment. It’s the same thing seen on all opinion-gurgling threads that collectively come together to make up the fabric of modern internet dialogue. The art of the traditional forum has ultimately been burned and replaced with a separate collective of invisible individuals with faceless strength. What is being said is not actually that threatening because the internet coddles these folks enough to the point where they would only make such mundane arguments online. I wonder if these laundry listers remember how movies are supposed to make people feel. And when I say “people,” I genuinely mean that in a gross sweeping generalization of humanity and their basic emotions in
general. Filmmaking is naturally competitive; it’s like finding opium among the poppies. Being the best of the best, or even being able to toot your horn with the cream of the crop, has a secret lust to it. Moving pictures is an art. Art can’t always be qualified and quantified in definite structures. It can be contextualized, analyzed, compared and contrasted, and thousands of places in between. It has the power to elude pin-pointing and being placed in a particular box to stay there forever. At the very least there is one individual who absolutely despises your favorite movie. Please enjoy this Top Ten list of what I personally believe are some of the most ridiculous lists users have published on IMDB. Yeah, it’s a list, I know. I’m fighting fire with fire here. Death, come quickly.
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M&H’s Top 20 Comedies of the Past 20 Years
All The TV Shows That I’ve Seen and Liked
Official Worldwide Top 15: Terrible Directors
The Best/Scariest Thriller Movies
My Laminated List
20 years and they put Paul Blart and Grandma’s Boy. The screen name TipTopMovies lends no credence to this list.
It’s one thing to talk about last night’s spooky/sassy episode of Bones during your morning class, but no one really cares online.
First, I can agree with the directors of Norbit and Paul Blart Mall Cop, but the rest are just artsy directors. Second, was this survey conducted at the UN? This is no world consensus.
I’ve appeased some ladies by seeing terrible thriller movies like The Stepfather and Sorority Row. Not only are my balls gone now, but I know for a fact this list is also terrible.
A prime example of something you’d only share with your buddies on a road trip or on the internet. Girlfriends and ex-bitches totally excluded, yo.
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Best Non-Stop Action Blockbusters
Guys With Glasses Are Hot
Top Ten Up and Coming Child Actors
Martin Lawrence Movies
This would be a great list if it contained the added criteria of flimsy plots, laughable acting, random boobs, and terrible contributions to American cinema. Gosh, how smug.
Come into the Union office and I’ll prove you wrong. Our neckties and lankiness do not equate to the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and James Franco.
This is super weird. This could also be titled “Future Coke Fiends and Stars of Bravo Reality Shows“.
I guess some people really like Martin Lawrence. Some people also really like dog fighting and dubstep parties.
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Women That Should Be Kissed By Me
Oh, geez. We have a winner. I would hope this was made by a creepy kid and not a creepy adult since True Grit’s Hailee Steinfeld is only 15 years old.
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GETTING YOUR HARD ON ELECTRO MUSIC ROYALTY GATHER IN LOS ANGELES ZAMEER HASSIM
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CONTRIBUTOR
he Hard Summer Music Festival had big shoes to fill this year. With EDC being shipped off to Las Vegas, Hard Summer was LA’s biggest electronic music festival of the summer, featuring four stages instead of last year’s measly two. Hard Summer 2011 had the recipe for a legendary party: cerebral visuals, scantily clad girls & boys, the hottest electronic acts, that once again reminded us all that Los Angeles truly knows how to get down. In comparison to most Insomniac-held events, the lines at Hard Summer weren’t terrible. Though they looked daunting, my crew and I got in rather quickly. A few of us started off the night by checking out LA’s very own demonic rap collective, Odd Future. Led by Tyler, The Creator, OF’s appearance was, needless to say, very out of place. Tyler and Co. would probably agree with me in saying that, but that didn’t stop them from being their own vulgar, violent and humorous selves. The rap group laid waste into the crowd, performing classics like “French!”, “Tron Cat” and the 6,000,000 views deep, “Yonkers”.
Right next to the Metro tracks was the Harder stage, where I got the chance to check out moombahton artist, Nadastrom. The moombahton pioneers relentlessly laid down the sickest moombahton tracks and got the whole crowd skipping and dancing, serving as a warm up for the night. Once Nadastrom finished, the dubstep began. UK-dubstepper Emalkay soon came on with a wobbly-bass drop that all dub-heads know and love. He brought the bass with hit tracks like, “When I Look at You” and “Fabrication”, and closed his set with a beautiful remix of the Tetris theme song that left everybody with a skip in their step and a bass in their chest. Next up was German-producer, Siriusmo, who truly has a style of his own. Though he wasn’t dubstep, his set got everybody dancing for the night. I’m not too sure if he played live, as he did a near-perfect version of his albumopener, “High Together”. I then ventured over to the Summer Stage, which had party-starters, Jack Beats, playing at the same time. Once I arrived at the Summer Stage, I truly realized how many people were at Hard, as I couldn’t
even see the stage due to all the people that showed up for Jack Beats (I later found out 30,000 were in attendance). Regardless, I enjoyed their set from a distance, while they laid down their most popular tune, “Get Down” and also did a remix of the ever-popular “One More Time” by Daft Punk. Hard Summer was officially half-way through, but the party wasn’t close to ending, with the German dance group Digitalism coming up next on the Summer Stage. Their German-bodies became silhouetted beings that played live music, in a day and age where most DJ’s simply push a button to play. Amongst the backdrop of an cerebral light show, Digitalism’s lights made me feel like I was experiencing aliens landing on an electro party ship. Their focus on performing live reminded all of the party-goers of the precision and aesthetic that only live instruments can achieve. Duck Sauce, had big shoes to fill following that performance, which they sure did. Opening for Boys Noize, Duck Sauce came on stage sporting a seven-story inflatable duck. A-Trak and Armand Van Helden successfully
brought their nu-disco sound to Los Angeles in New York fashion. Their set was almost the exact opposite of Digitalism’s, as none of their performance was live – they merely spun their tracks and remixes. Regardless, their set still made me feel like I was a disco king circa Studio 54, 1976. They played the obvious hits, like the ever-so popular “Barbra Streisand” but also played their newer hits like, “Goody Two Shoes” and “Big Bad Wolf ” which had me howling at the Los Angeles skyline. Headlining and closing the night was German-electro god, Boys Noize, aka Alex Ridha. Sporting only four decks and a large silver skull behind him, Boys Noize was absolutely flawless. Every buildup and drop worked perfectly, while no song felt out of place. The crowd was not completely packed due to the fact most people went on over to see the popular brostep artist Skrillex. Masterfully commanding his four decks, Boys Noize made a mockery of modern DJ’s like Deadmau5 who rely on excessive amounts of equipment. Boys Noize truly brought the party to Los Angeles in a manner that was super fresh.
THE BIG THREE: RULES TO WRITING A GOOD BAND NAME JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
Concerning the conception and birthing of a quality band, there have always been two essential elements that have placed bands into the pantheon of musical excellence: codpieces and having a fantastic band name. Although the codpiece has slowly died off, resigning itself to a dark recess of eighties era shame that it deserves to be in, having a badass band name remains one of the most important aspects of a band. An amazing band name has the power to define a sound and create an image. It has the power to attract the masses regardless of musical merit, and that includes hot chicks, hot chicks who may or may not have a penchant for codpieces. So for those who might have an old Casio in the basement and can write a catchy tune about butterflies, here are some of the rules to make your music slightly more bearable.
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KNOW YOUR GENRES Certain sounds require certain names. Take for example, the brooding atmospheric tendencies of post-rock. Something short and succinct won’t cut it. The big names that have made their mark within the genre have always been defined by bombast. Explosions in the Sky, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, This Will Destroy You, and God is an Astronaut all have names reflective of the grandiosity of the music itself. A great post-rock name would certainly be a phrase, either a vivid description of a landscape or a statement of either spirituality or malignant intent, such as We Shall be Devoured by the Sea or You Shall Remember Darkness. This is not to be confused with the post-hardcore/screamo style of names, which are just defined by being terrible, i.e., A Day to Remember or Of Blessings and Burdens.
IF NEED BE, FALL BACK ON ANIMALS Quite possibly the easiest way to name a band, animals are always a surefire way to get attention. The Wombats, Dr. Dog, An Albatross, and Gorillaz, all fantastic bands named after animals. While you may have an animal in mind, remember to follow the rule above. Certain animals fit certain genres much better than others. Sloth quite easily evokes the image of sludge metal, while The Giraffes may be suitable for something along the lines of indie pop. Also keep in mind the rule of the: Reserve the for bands of a lighter nature musically. Indie rock and alternative are suitable for the use of the word the preceding an animal. Heavier music, such as metal or hard rock, if using an animal, should omit the before the name of the animal. Harder music, besides omitting
the, also do well from adopting the names of dinosaurs or biblical creatures, with bands like Behemoth and T-Rex being prime examples of the success of this rule. USE TWO CONSONANTS Mostly reserved for lo-fi bands, the repeated use of consonants, usually within the middle of the word itself, has spelled immediate success for the bands that have taken to heart this new rule. Wavves did it first, and now the idea has spread like wildfire. Countless other bands have done it, from Lovvers to Mayyors, bands who adopt this to get their name heard. Remember though, this rule defies the rule of the, as most of these bands, though not exactly heavy, refrain from the use of the before their names. This rule however, should never replacement quality song writing.
SUMMERY POETRY CONTESTRY
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EVERYONE’S A WINNER HERE!
SUMMER HAIKUS
BOMB POP FOLASHADE ALFORD
ANDREW STOCKWELL
UNION STAFFER
Inhale. Chalk particles tickle my nose as I box the numbers for hopscotch.
CONTRIBUTOR
Illustration
SARA HAASE UNION STAFFER
Color
GABE FERREIRA MANAGING EDITOR
Falling backward, my head resting on pillow-like grass.
SUMMER
Clouds morph into imagination’s projections.
Summer – Crashing through crystal waves, hair strung with sea salt. You missed sunscreen on this weird spot on your back that you Couldn’t Quite Reach. Sand between your toes, Eyes tired from the ocean’s sunny glare. Summer – Melted ice cream for lunch and homemade Kool-Aid popsicles, Fingers sticky from the mess. Hiding out in the shade and an air-conditioned house. Summer – Running through sprinklers, Slipping and sliding through the slick grass. Battling for space amidst a noisy frenzy at the local pool. Summer – Fourth of July fireworks sparking through the air, Burning careless fingers. Backyard cook-outs and bowls of greasy chips, Food piled on flimsy paper plates. Summer – Minimum wage jobs in exchange for spending money, Waking up hours before your friends ever roll out of bed. Summer – Flip flops and boardwalks and county fairs. Stomaching food that was never meant to be deep-fried in the 1st place. Summer – Coastal night drives in packed cars Singing Beach Boys songs we learned from our parents’ collections. Drive-in movies just past sunset, Candy bars softened from an afternoon stored in the backseat. Summer – Sunflowers twisting and arching towards the cloudless sky. Standing tall in the final days of lasting light Before autumn takes over. Summer.
A dying speaker intermittently blares the ice cream song. I charge towards the rusting truck. Stretching on my tip-toes I peel the couch-rescued change from my palms. Each coin clinks wildly. A hairy arm emerges above, holding my prize. Red, white, and blue. I grab it, my mouth agape with excitement, shouting pleasure between licks. A ladybug lands on my tongue. A quick breath draws him backwards. I choke. Exhale. Expel him from my mouth. I peer at his wilted wings. Salty droplets mix with my summer treat.
RACHEL CLARE CONTRIBUTOR
I’m not good with poems Here’s one that’s about summer June, July, August
SIMON SASSINGS CONTRIBUTOR
Everything sucks My ice ceream melted All over my butt
STEVE BESSETTE UNION STAFFER
Summer is for fun And all weird things that come with Masturbating lots
MARCO BELTRAN UNION STAFFER
I’m in my boxers This heat is too much to bear Please, cum on my face
CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR
Summer, oh summer How cliche to mourn your close Shoulda smoked more weed
LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
Splishing and splashing This is the story of my Poops in a toilet
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EVERLASTING SOUL
WINEHOUSE’S COLLABORATION WITH FRED PERRY IS TIMELESS ALISON ERNST NEWS EDITOR
C
onsidering myself a huge Amy Winehouse fan, I was ridiculously upset at the news of her passing. I had bought tickets for her 2008 US tour that was later cancelled due to her visa/drug problems, but I still thought that I would one day have the opportunity to see her live. Unfortunately, the opportunity to see her is gone and I will have to learn to live with the consolation that maybe, just maybe the third album she was working on will come out eventually. My personal admiration of Ms. Winehouse extended past her music and into her 1950s wardrobe. I envied her style almost as
much as her voice. The dresses she wore on stage and the polo shirts, jeans, and ballet flats she wore in her personal life were amazing to me. In high school, I wore a pair of ballet shoes (intended for use in the dance studio) to school almost every day of my sophomore year. The high school me idolized the fashion stylings of Amy Winehouse. Several months ago (probably close to a year now), I heard news of Amy starting a line of clothing with Fred Perry, the poloshirt masters of England. I had completely forgotten all about this proposed collaboration until I received an email from Fred Perry in early August with the news of the
launch of the AW11 Amy Winehouse for Fred Perry Collection. I opened the email apprehensively, half expecting the clothing to be average; to be another one of those collaborations where one half (the Fred Perry half) would be more dominant. I was wrong. All of the items do capture the signature Amy Winehouse style. The line has cute vintage dresses, skinny jeans, polo shirts, and cardigans that epitomize the 1950s as Amy wore it. Everything looks like it could be from Amy’s closet. If you don’t believe me, check out the new line on www.fredperry.com and do some research on her personal style. She knew what she liked and she looked cute
wearing it. Even though there won’t be anymore paparazzi pics of Amy sightings in the Daily Mail anymore for me to gawk at in awe of her style, I can effectively mimic her fashion with the help of the AW11 Amy Winehouse for Fred Perry Collection. You too can dress like the soulful and troubled singer by shopping online on Fred Perry’s website. Some of the proceeds from this line will go to the future Amy Winehouse foundation to help people struggling with substance abuse. You can dress like Amy and help prevent people from facing the same fate.
UNFINISHED BUSINESS: POSTHUMOUS WORKS WORTH PERUSING
Emily Dickinson’s virtually everything (1890)
Machiavelli’s The Prince (1532)
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Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged New York (1994)
Janis Joplin’s Pearl (1971)
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IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE
PHRASE THAT PAYS
BURN MY FACEBOOK TO THE GROUND
Work this newly minted phrase into conversation and I’ll give you a nickel*
FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER
W
hat’s going to happen when you die? Not many of us want to think about this inevitability, I mean, we’re college students! Right now we’re spending the better part of our days getting totally fucked up, partying our asses off and sleeping ‘til noon. Don’t get me wrong, living life to the fullest is great, but think about what you would do if your mom got access to your Facebook. She’d take one look at all those vulgar status updates and beer pong pics and freak out. Or better yet, she stumbles upon your blog and finds out you’re some liberalcommunist-devil-child, thus shattering her conservative world-view. In this day and age so many social networking websites urge us to write everything down and share every single aspect of our lives with the digital world. In doing so, we are actively, albeit unintentionally, creating our own digital selves. For some this may be someone entirely different from the living, breathing person who walks the earth, while for others it’s not too far from the
truth. Regardless of either of those scenarios, when you die, all of these opinions, pictures and emails will remain on the internet. For how long? It depends on the type of account you had and whether it requires constant access or money. There are a few rising companies banking on your digital life and how much you’ll care about it. I’ve perused some of these sites and it’s a little bit cooler to think about than a funeral. By the time we have kids these websites will be even more relevant as everything we do becomes more invested in the internet. Their services are a way to protect or store things that were important to you such as pictures, letters, or documents. Some of the websites offer “account incinerators” so when you die that tumblr account where you collected pictures of (insert fetish here) will never see the light of day. The most useful service is that of passing on passwords and account numbers to loved ones so they can tie up your affairs. That way you won’t have to deal with asshole companies who
won’t release the information to you even if you have a death certificate. One of the websites I liked was deathswitch.com. Depending on the frequency you set (this could be every month or once a year) a message will be sent to you and your reply will let them know you’re still alive. After a period of non-response this will trigger your deathswitch and send out messages to whoever you’ve listed. These messages can literally be anything. You can send out that love note you never had the courage to when you were alive or settle that argument with literal last words. That’s perfect! My deathswitch would say, “hahaha I’m dead bitches, fuck you. Jk, bro.” If one of you guys gets the password to my Facebook or Twitter, don’t put something dumb like “Got dicks on my mind, FOREVER. Love ya’ll.” Make my status or tweet something cool, like “I’m resting in peace, mothafuckas!” Thanks in advance. If I die tomorrow thanks for reading, and I love you all.
Twagedy: a tweet, often humorous and/or scandalous, concerning a tragic event Example: (Regarding Amy Winehouse’s death) @lexi_bexi: “I guess that means we’re stuck with Adele now...” *nickel is figurative
TOP DEATHSITES deathswitch.com legacylocker.com thedigitalbeyond.com virtualeternity.com entrustet.com
AMY’S LEGACY IN 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS FAMOUS PEOPLE TWEET THEIR TWO CENTS ON THE SINGERS’ UNTIMELY DEATH VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
Mark Ronson (producer) “she was my musical soulmate & like a sister to me. this is one of the saddest days of my life”
Big Boi (of Outkast) “Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and now Amy Winehouse. All died aged 27. RIP to you all. #amywinehouse”
Samantha Ronson (friend) “I’m not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this generation will see.”
@bunbtrillog (Bun B) “Think I speak for most when I say we were just waiting for Amy Winehouse to get on track and be the great talent she was born to be. #RIPAMY”
Adrienne Shelley’s Waitress (2007) Jonathon Larson’s Rent (1994)
2Pac’s The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory (1996) David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King (2011)
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NOODLE DOODLES
CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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ANSWERS
EASY
22 AUGUST 2011
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EASY
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HARD
HARD
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Disclaimer:
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, humor, to octogirl.grun@gmail.com, then go to hell.
Volume 69 Issue 0
Monday, August 22nd, 2011
LBUNION.COM
Stupid Fuck Doesn’t Know She’s the New Editor Audio Recording of Octopus Girl
By Jurb Bill
Mystery: Is There Semen in This Sock?
Nancy Drew discovers the crustiest of socks, signaling the beginning of her latest mystery, Nancy Drew and the Masturbation Investigation. By the end of her adventure, Nancy Drew discovers her womanhood and that the sock was in fact covered in her boyfriend’s semen. “And I thought I was spunky,” Nancy says to her boyfriend and his sock. And then Nancy and her boyfriend have a cute first kiss. It’s very romantic and adorable. Can you believe that this gem of a Drew book was written by 14-year-old phenom Marissa Wiebler? Because the original author of Nancy Drew is either long dead or long disinterested in continuing to write Nancy Drew books, the publishers had searched for the best of Nancy Drew fan fiction writers. Fan fiction writing (fan fictioning) has become more lucrative than writing original material. It is
much cheaper to produce, and doesn’t even require real writers with talent or intelligence. Fan fictioning has become the reality television of literature, and everyone loves it! This particular Nancy Drew fan fiction has even replaced sex-ed textbooks in middle schools across the country. This has signaled an all-time low in the overall quality of American education. USA USA USA!
Whoa. When did this get here? [Muffled stratching] I wonder if it works. I guess I push this button here. [Clicking] Uh, hello? Can anyone hear me? Maybe the button is broken. [Click] Hello? Is anyone listening? I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a radio DJ guy. This is Dirk Funk coming to you always and forever, bringing you the hottest tracks and the sickest beats. We’ve been getting requests for this song all day, so here it is! Take me to Funky Town [Bass line for Funky Town]. They probably think I’ve gone a little crazy. Ha ha. Hello? I was hoping the new Editor would show up today to feed me but no one has shown up yet. Can you send someone down to pick up my poop bucket? It’s starting to smell really bad and it’s scaring away the rats. Without rats, I’m forced to eat newspaper. That was a joke. I don’t know why they don’t let me write more of this stuff. I’m pretty funny. [Scratching Sounds] Ah. Fucking fleas! I’m running out of things to do. Is any-
one ever coming back? It seems like after that last guy died, there hasn’t been anyone coming down here anymore. I’d like to know when I can go home. This is kind of like that movie. The one where that guy gets stuck in that hole or something. I think it was called Hell Box. Man, I love that movie. Wait. What is that? [Rustling sounds] Is that a peanut?? Oh fuck yes. I found a peanut.[Blowing noise] Oh. No. It’s a tooth. [For the next 69 hours, Octopus Girl attempted to re-enact David Cronenberg’s 1986 Jeff Goldblum classic The Fly. She got to the first scene where they totally fuck up that baboon in that teleporter thing. She then tried to remember the name of the actress that starred alongside Goldbum, only to conclude that it was that one tall chick from that movie that was like Conan The Barbarian, but with a girl. Like a girl Conan. Red Something. She then remembered that that tall chick made out with Flavor Flav in that one reality tv show that came out on VH1. She laughed for sixteen minutes to the idea of them having kids because they are both equally horrendous to look at as well as to have some knowledge of
INSIDE
Letter from Suicidal Crab Just let me die already, goddammit. I keep lunging slowly out of this stupid salty ocean and that stupid fucking kid keeps putting me back in because it’s my “home.” Enough is enough, alright? I’m tired of all those prick clownfish down at the docks giving me shit all the time. I’m tired of my hermit crab whore of an exwife leaving me drunk voicemails, telling me how often she fucks that tiger shark asshole from the marina. Goddammit you stupid fucking child, stop picking me up and putting me back in the water! I’m trying to dry myself out. I’m done, man. Just let me die already.
Dairy Queen to Start Totally Awful Vegan, Gluten-Free, Non-Dairy Queen Franchise
I remember the first time I had Dairy Queen. I was fifteen, pocket full of dreams and a willingness to experiment. Rocky Road, Vanilla, Bubble Gum. I just didn’t care. All I wanted was to feel that sweet cold pressing against my tongue. Don’t you love the feel of ice cream? I just like how ice cream feels like someone is dragging a cold, sweat covered ball down your throat. I could lick it all day. I just turned forty and wanted something that would fill the hole that the death of my dog, Mr. Pippers left. Thank you, ice cream. page B=D page Cream
Lastest Drug of Choice Among Sexy Teens: Old People Bones.
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