YOU ARE HERE! by Union Weekly

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YOU ARE HERE! An Honest and Useful Map of CSULB

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Long Beach Location

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CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief

chelsea.union@gmail.com

LEO PORTUGAL

leop.union@gmail.com

GABE FERREIRA

gabe.union@gmail.com

Managing Editor Managing Editor

MARCO BELTRAN

marcob.union@gmail.com

COLLEEN BROWN

colleen.union@gmail.com

Senior Editor

Opinions Editor

ALISON ERNST

alison.union@gmail.com

STEVE BESSETTE

steveb.union@gmail.com

News Director

Entertainment Editor

JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor

LEO PORTUGAL

Literature Editor

VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor

johnv.union@gmail.com leop.union@gmail.com vincha.union@gmail.com

CHRIS FABELA

cfab.union@gmail.com

OCTOPUS GIRL

octogirl.grun@gmail.com

Comics Editor

Grunion Editor

GABE FERREIRA

Art Director/Cover

CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor

CHRIS FABELA

On-Campus Distribution

STEVE BESSETTE

Advertising Executive

gabe.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com steveb.union@gmail.com

FOLASHADE ALFORD folashade.union@gmail.com PR Specialist

Contributors: JEWEL NICHOLSON ZAMEER HASSIM RACHEL CLARE TRAVIS BARON CODY ARNOLD DANIEL SERRANO RACHEL FRIEDLAND

TANYA PAZ JAIME GOMEZ KEVIN O’BRIEN ANDREW STOCKWELL FOLASHADE ALFORD MELISSA CASAS COREY LEIS

Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office. Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 23, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : www.asicsulb.org/lbunion

CHEL ME ABOUT IT LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

ell, it’s official. We’re back. Welcome to another hellish semester at Cal State Long Beach, everyone. For those of you returning to our humble abode, I hope you’re ready to spend nine more wonderful months here. I know I’m not. For those of you who are brand spanking new to our beautiful campus, mazel-toff! I’m not Jewish, I don’t know how to spell that, but really, welcome aboard. You’ll learn to love it here, and also hate it with all of your being. Finally, for those of you who are first encountering the Union Weekly, welcome to your campus’ only worthwhile newspaper. The Union was founded specifically for the reason that the Daily 49’er was (is) a piece of shit and was (is) too much under the vindictive control of CSULB journalism faculty, which muted the students’ voices and muffled their abundant wealth of creativity. Today, the Union serves as the sole champion of the students’ voice on campus, which is especially vital now as we continue to be mauled with obscene budget cuts and tuition increases. How do we accomplish such a noble and valorous task, you ask? The answer is simple: everyone and their moms can write for the Union Weekly. Okay, not literally moms, but

Photo

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

any current CSULB student or faculty member has the right and privilege to have their work published in our paper. All you have to do is send in a submission, whether it be an article, a photo, or an illustration, and we can print it right here in these very pages for the entire student body to see. The other great part of the Union? It’s nothing like any of the other pointless, superficial, trap-like affiliations on this campus. If you’re thinking of going Greek, think again and go Union. Red Cross Club? What good has that association ever done anybody? Just kidding, Red Cross is great, but Union is better. The point is, we aren’t a bunch of people trying to look like the cast of The Hills, as you’ll find the rest of our student populous to be. We’re mostly a motley hodgepodge of sarcastic, sadistic people who try to escape the reality of this awful place by making jokes and watching good television. Alright, enough shameless selfpromotion, on to nice, comforting things about our collective first weeks back in college. Here are a few pieces of advice from a two-year veteran of CSULB and a life-long Long Beach resident. Firstly, don’t take too many GE’s at once—you will never contemplate suicide more often in a short amount of time. Secondly,

Taquieria is the best Mexican food in LB, though Holé Molé is a popular and decent substitution. Finally, don’t drive west past Long Beach Boulevard without your windows up and doors locked. Luckily, this entire first edition of the Union is dedicated to helping your first weeks at CSULB go more smoothly. On pages eight and nine, you will find a wonderfully laid out map of campus, including only the most important buildings and some fairly accurate descriptions of them. We sincerely hope this map and our paper cut your back-to-school anxiety in half so, when the midterm catalysts hit, you won’t entirely combust. For now, let’s maintain our hopes and dreams and try to forget the fact that they’ll all be crushed in about six weeks. My start-of-the-semester mantra: You can get straight A’s. You can go a semester without earning a single parking ticket. You can lose 10 pounds by going to the Rec in between your 16 units worth of classes. I mean, maybe those expectations are a little high, but practical Chelsea won’t realize that for at least another month. I wish you all the best of luck, and when you feel that you just can’t stand this place any longer and want to end it all, remember the Union Weekly. We’ll try our best to make it all better.

Come to our Open Meetings

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THIS ARTICLE IS ALSO A COUPON PADDLE BOARDING: CHEAPER THAN WATER BOARDING DANIEL SERRANO

CONTRIBUTOR

Illustration

ou’re probably not emotionally invested in paddle boarding. Maybe you’ve never even heard of it. Perhaps you’ve seen someone engaged in the activity and wondered what the graceful action of skimming across the ocean’s glassy surface atop one’s own navigable mini-island would feel like. But it’s most likely that an end to all this speculation is in order, and this article should come to a point. That point being paddle boarding. Or rather, its shameless promotion and the eventual revelation that reading this article will translate directly into monetary savings for said reader, because I hook it up. You see, I went paddle boarding recently, and it was fun. Not a drink-so-much-youact-like-a-dog fun, think changing-thechannel-to-see-your-favorite-episodeof-South-Park fun. Or Glee, if that’s what you’re into. And the thought dawned, “How many people have actually done this?” So after a brief and informal survey, where a few of my friends and one uninvited and terribly senile old man who decided to enter my surveyed population like he

CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR

owned it served as the test pool, I found an answer: not many. And I’m tired of the injustice in the world, of the downtrodden being denied the ability to experience a paddle board adventure, so I decided to make a difference. Which first calls for some convincing. I know there are skeptics. So long as there is fun to be had, there will be those whose goal is to decry it without first trying it. I hate, truly regret, undoubtedly loathe being pushed to redundancy, but like previously stated a few paragraphs earlier in this article, it’s fun. Somewhat out-of-thebox, too. It’s exercise in disguise, because masked behind the giddiness that is sure to follow the successful maneuvering of a paddle board is the undeniable truth of a serious back, arm, and even core, workout. Throw on a backpack filled with food and you have a lunch-date not at the ocean, but on the ocean. Now the one you wish to woo is seeing you as a creative, fit, and fun new addition to his or her life. Please, just don’t litter. So let’s review. Not only can paddle

boarding reveal to you an entirely new facet of fun, it can help get you fit, which will make you healthier, and save/improve your love life. Unless the one you desire reads this article too, in which case it might hamper your love life. In that situation just take credit for this article entirely. No one remembers the writer’s name anyway. Now you’re golden. Speaking of valuable precious metals, here comes the good stuff. Do some research online and the prices might be a little disheartening, but only a little. Going two hours will cost you about 20 bucks, which isn’t bad. Most new movies suck, and they manage to suck upwards of 13 dollars out of the wallets of the masses. Though I must say, Crazy Stupid Love is pretty good. Take points off my man card for speaking the truth, I don’t care, Steve Carrell is a funny man, plain and simple. But, to keep paddle boarding from being crazy stupid expensive, I called up OEX Sunset Beach, located at 16910 Pacific Coast Highway in Sunset Beach, and spoke with the manager. He was a

cool guy, and after some surprisingly brief negotiations, I worked out a little deal. If you’re a first time customer, bring in your CSULB student ID and you’ll get five dollars off your first hour (an exclusive discount for Long Beach students), which brings the cost for two hours of paddle boarding down to only 15 dollars. Just mention this article or the back to school special and you’ll get the hook-up. The negotiations were so brief we really didn’t cover that part, but the employees there know what’s up. Explore the bay and see the sights and hear the sounds of the peaceful ocean-side town located only 10 minutes from campus. Now there’s a fun back-to-school activity available, and at a discount! What more could you want? A drunkard once said, “You can take a horse to water, but I need to throw up first.” What he meant in butchering the common saying, though, was you can’t force someone to experience something. I’m hoping you give the paddle board a shot and save a few bucks along the way. I’m almost entirely sure you won’t regret it.

LUST FOR PRODUCTIVITY

MY DESIRE FOR MENTAL FULFILMENT BEYOND FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES TANYA PAZ CONTRIBUTOR

Everyone’s favorite time of the year is finally dwindling down! The days of going to the beach and biking all over town are almost over! So ladies, time to put away your “barely there” wardrobe and bring your “socially acceptable to wear on any occasion” attire out. Don’t think I forgot about all you gents out there! Your “broish affair” days are slowly but surely coming to an end! Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit here, but I’m glad summer’s over. I don’t know about you all, but I dislike the summer for various reasons. First and foremost, I hate the heat. It does nothing but put me in a terrible, bitchy mood. Before you roll your eyes, let me

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explain. The A/C at my workplace is a piece of shit that never stays at a set temperature, so instead of being a cool 70 degrees, it’s a freezing 50. I kid you not. Everyone in the office walks around with sweaters on, and get this, blankets. Blankets! There’s nothing worse than knowing you’ll be spending a beautiful day trapped inside a fucking ice chest. Plus, seeing people’s Facebook updates and tweets about how they’re having tons of fun at the beach while I’m stuck at the office working my terribly depressing life away only adds insult to injury. The late summer months also mark the re-emergence of school. Unlike most people, I’m actually glad school’s back

in session. Why, oh why, you might ask? Because I finally have a reason to be a productive member of society again. Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping in until noon and doing absolutely nothing but watching hours upon hours of terrible Lifetime movies and ridiculous talk shows (’sup Tyra) on my days off from work, but that summer routine starts feeling just a bit old after the first couple of days or so. My lack of productivity seemed to follow me, outside the comfort of my home and into the “real world”. I tried to be productive at work, but instead I found myself in front of a computer reading countless blogs, stalking people on good

ol’ Facebook, making lazy trips to the fridge for a quick snack, or just simply walking around the office trying to warm myself up. As much as I tried to focus on my work, I couldn’t help but daydream and fool around all day. I guess what I’m trying to say is, summer makes me a lazy, whiny fuck. I forget that I’m an adult and conveniently throw all my responsibilities out the window for a brief three month period. The first day of school, however, is the much needed slap in the face that reminds me I need to get off my ass and start getting busy again! With that said, welcome back fellow 49’ers!

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YOU CAN’T SAY ARISTOPHANES WITHOUT SAYING FUNNY. THIS IS ABOUT SATIRE. LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR

Strong satire not only provides a good laugh, but digs deep into the heart of a situation, ridiculing the ridiculous. Satire has an implicit nature, where the critiqued behaviors—behaviors such as the recent debates to raise the debtceiling or wars—deconstruct themselves within the satire by being over-thetop and absurd, allowing the satirist to critique vice and folly while not explicitly stating their opinion. Many journalism instructors I’ve had here at CSULB scoff at the mention of satirical news sources, discrediting their value. But satirists are truly a valuable news source, entertaining while providing information, while often being intrepid reporters. Stephen Colbert’s speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner is one of the best examples, as he took the microphone in front of both George Bushes and a room full of White

House officials and journalists. He was able to criticize everyone in the room, while keeping most of them laughing. The most notable satire can be found on television on The Colbert Report and in The Onion newspaper. In the United Kingdom, satirist Chris Morris has created top-notch work as he anchored a “fake news” show called Brass Eye, and more recently wrote and directed a satirical film called Four Lions, a hilarious movie about suicide bombers (watch it on Netflix Instant). And let me just quickly note that the Union Weekly is, in fact, NOT a satirical newspaper. The guys over at the Grunion write satire, but we are affiliated with them only because they are affixed to our backs. They’re like our strange and estranged conjoined twin. And satire is older than Christ. An ancient Greek dude named

Aristophanes wrote the oldest surviving example of satire around 425 BC. It was a play called The Acharnians, the first in Aristophanes’ trilogy of anti-war plays, including Peace, and Lysistrata. Aristophanes pointed out the follies of war and the foibles of the Greek nation in a profound way that satire continues to emulate today. Lives are carelessly thrown away in wars every day. Governments take actions that are not in the interest of their people, but these people are often left in the dark. Satire sheds light on these deficiencies, pointing out social issues in a way that they become absurd, and in a way that is often hilarious. While much of the humor can be ridiculous, satire gives a true sense of such things as the unnecessary nature of war—war which is totally deserving of ridicule.

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STATE OF THE BEACH

YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

LEO PORTUGAL MANAGING EDITOR

I’M HERE TO RE-CREW YOU INTERVIEWS WITH CSULB’S BEACH CREW KEVIN O’BRIEN FORMER EIC

stood on the docks of The Pete Archer Rowing Center on Alamitos Bay tucked behind a wall of upscale tract housing and palm trees. The water was choppy. The sky was closer to night than morning. Former CSULB track and field team member Jonathan Evans stood between me and Beach Crew Men’s Novice Coach Jeffery Vreeland. All around us the CSULB Men’s and Women’s crew teams were busy hoisting skulls, the narrow rowing boats used in crew, down to the docks before

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running back up to the boat house for oars. It was Evans’ first day visiting the CSULB Beach Crew and he told me how he had found his way there. Evans said “I ran track for Cal State Long Beach for four years and now my eligibility is up, so I’ve been looking for something else to get a work out in.” This sentiment was one I encountered again and again as I spoke to members of the Men’s and Women’s Crew teams. Student athletes who still had the will and

ability to participate in sports at a collegiate level, but lacked the opportunity, at least directly, through the university. For some 50 years CSULB Beach Crew has been extending that opportunity, not only to student athletes, but to any and all students who are willing to dedicate themselves to something beyond their studies. CSULB sophomore and Men’s Crew Varsity Captain Tyler Heinz echoed Evans’. Heinz said, “...I’ve played sports all the way through high school, ever since I was a little kid. Coming to college and not playing any sports was different for me. Finding Crew was really good. Its the best work out I’ve ever had, I’ve gotten into the best shape I’ve ever been in, and everyone has to work as one. You have eight guys working hard for each other, its pretty awesome.” Collegiate rowing teams compete in groups of eight, four, two, or one. The largest skulls hold eight men or women. As Tyler inferred, when all eight teammates are in shape, on form, and in sync, the effect is invigorating. The skull begins to lift out of the water. The normally traumatic motion of oars cutting up out of the water and catching the water again becomes a precise flow. And the skull takes off over the water. Beyond the competition that Evans may be seeking, Beach Crew offers camaraderie. Heinz continued, “I’m from a small town up in the San Joaquin Valley, a little town called Porterville and I didn’t know a lot of people. Crew was a great way to meet friends and get connected into something.” Women’s Varsity Crew Captain Nina Whittset had a similar experience. Whittset said, “I think I benefited a lot from Crew because I feel like in normal classes you’re not really able to socialize with people, you can’t really make friends too well, so I gained a lot of friends this way.” Whether you are a returning four year track star looking for a new workout or a freshman from the San Joaquin Valley, Beach Crew is a place where you can establish yourself.

Welcome to the State of the Beach, the #1 calendar of events on this planet. We got you covered on all the upcoming activities happening on campus and in Long Beach. So hold onto your butts and get your reading glasses on! Monday is the first day of classes. It’s your first day to dive back into this shark tank and make new friends and learn new things. It’s the first day of the rest of your life. Unless you don’t have Monday classes. Check out “Movies in the Park” at El Dorado park as they feature Disney’s Tangled Monday-Wednesday. Tangled is actually a really funny and cute movie. Take the kids, or watch it with your funny and cute girlfriend, like I did! The Department of Art is presenting the GLAMFA Exhibit, which features the best graduate work from schools all over Los Angeles. It has 55 artists and collaboration from 13 different programs in SoCal; that’s quite a lot of art if you really think about it. We suggest you go take a peek at the opening reception from 5:00 - 7:00 pm on Aug. 29th, that’s Tuesday for all you calendar hating jerks. Since this may be your first year here, the Student Art Galleries are located between buildings FA2 & FA3. Look for the grass around the buildings. If you wanna be annoying and call them, dial (562) 985-4376 and then say sorry for bothering them. It’s strictly curated focusing on the quality of work and not quantity of material presented. CSULB MFA students work pretty hard to make GLAMFA as awesome as it is, so go appreciate all the bullshitting they did to get to this point. This is the third year they have done this, so where have you been? Huh? C’mon. The gallery dates are Sept. 10 – Sept. 20, so go and see stuff before it’s too late! I guess the Department of Dance is presenting 4 the Camera, an outdoor dance film festival. It’s at 8:30 pm at the Grassy Knoll lawn, y’know, that grassy patch between the Daniel Recital Hall and the Pyramid. It’s free you bums, I know you like free things. Call (562) 985-4747 or visit the campus’ website and look for dance stuff. Good luck though, it’s pretty hard to navigate through the campus’ website, but you’ll find that out soon enough. Look for me, flailing my limbs around, as I attempt to make my own form of art.

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CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO DIRECTOR

YOU ARE HERE! AN HONEST AND USEFUL MAP OF CSULB

Intro

MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR

or anyone walking around this campus on their first day of school, I feel sorry for you. As far as first days go, if you don’t know where anything is, you’re fucked. It’s that simple. You’re either going to get lost or show up late to a classroom full of glaring strangers that are nervously jotting down whatever rehearsed anecdote their professor has to offer, and you will garner their attention for however long it takes for your face to go down a few shades of red or find a seat. The seat usually comes first. Well, at least that’s how it went for me. Except my first day involved sitting in front of the television in the USU, thinking about friends I could be hanging out with and how much easier my life was in high school, too embarrassed to leave after hitting my head on two consecutive posts in front the lunchtime rush by Subway. I just

Graphics

GABE FERREIRA

ART DIRECTOR

couldn’t recover. I would look into a classroom and think, “Oh no. They saw me do it. They’re going to look at my face, recognize it, and laugh. Then the whole class will laugh.” I was a little nervous, and homesick, but who isn’t on their first day. With little experience on our own, it’s a miracle most of us don’t end up dying in a ditch before getting to class or falling into a bottomless pit, never to be heard from again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have go through that craziness on your first day if you don’t want to. It’s what the Union Weekly is for, so you can read about these things and hope that you never have to go through them. It’s why we made this map: so you, freshmen or even returning students that need a slight refresher before venturing forth into the sea of faces you’ll recognize but never remember the name of, can make an awkward

Map Text

CHELSEA STEVENS & STEVE BESSETTE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

experience into lasting memory. This map isn’t a conventional map of the campus, but shit to avoid when you’re running late, places to hang out during your break, or whatever else we thought would be a little interesting to see at least once before you settle into a spot with your new friends at your fancy new school, talking about how much you love/hate Professor _____ because he/she _____. We think our survival guide is pretty handy, and quite stylish to boot. I mean, you don’t see anybody else offering you helpful tips with images in full color. But honestly, it’ll be up to you to make your own way around this campus. Who knows, you might have an inconvenient 45 minute break between your first class in the afternoon and a later one that prevents you from getting out of this place and going home (or crawling under a mountain of

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

clean blankets in your dorm) and prompts an exploration. It takes about 45 minutes to get from the extreme north of the campus to the deep south of campus if you take your sweet time. Don’t rush, you’ll tire yourself out and once again feel like everyone knows that you’re just walking around in circles to kill time. There are some landmarks we’ve placed on this handy map that you should find and explore and there are some that you should perhaps steer clear of. It’s really up to you. But really, take our word for it; we’ve been doing this whole college thing for a while. Also, although we placed ourselves on this map, it doesn’t mean you have to come visit us. You can, if you want. Our office is really nice and we have an unnamed pet turtle you can come see. Love us or hate us, enjoy this map and don’t show it to your moms or dads. There’s cursing in it. UNION WEEKLY

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9. BOOKSTORE

10. NUGGET

Tip: Do not buy your textbooks unless you’ll completely fail your class without them. Actually, never buy your textbooks from this soulless money pit, instead sign up for your free membership on AmazonPrime.

If you still want to feel cool telling your friends you have a pub on campus, don’t ruin it by regularly buying a beer there. The Greek kids hang out in the seating area outside. Sit near them if you feel like being judged.

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1. MACINTOSH BUILDING If you’re a liberal arts major, you’re likely to enter this building when you need class help. There are now bars on the windows so people can’t throw themselves out when they need other kinds of help.

2. THEATRE DEPT. Here’s proof that Glee is a television show and nothing more. Free showcases Thursday nights and Friday afternoons.

4. HALL OF SCIENCE Each classroom is self-ventilated, so if there’s an explosion, only those responsible will die. There’s also a greenhouse, a shark lab, and an observatory. It’s new, so don’t ruin it.

3. FA BUILDINGS

5. HIPPIE LAWN

7. LIBRARY

Refrain from using the word “hipster” around these parts and you’ll be free of dirty looks. There is an art store, graffiti lockers, and occasional student art galleries with refreshments!

Hugs and art are free... you get what you pay for. Drugs, on the other hand, are not.

You can’t talk on every floor, but you can sleep on all of them. For the least amount of noise, study in the basement. For the most amount of noise, study at the Starbucks.

6. LA BUILDINGS Get ready to learn and sweat: learn because it’s a class, sweat because the windows don’t open. Careful, the building numbers get smaller as you walk towards the library.

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8. PSYCH BUILDING Best known as the building before the LA’s. If you happen to be on campus after midnight, it’s the only building with an open bathroom. Also, they murder people on the third floor. Just sayin’.

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11. UNIVERSITY STUDENT UNION There’s lots of great choices for unhealthy eating here. There are also layers of fun, including the basement bowling alley, arcade, and pool tables, and of course the Union Weekly office in the USU courtyard.

YOU ARE HERE!

An Honest and Useful Map of CSULB

12. BROTMAN HALL! If you have any enrollment or tuition issues, you’re likely to find the solutions here. It’s the college version of the DMV. This is where all your money goes. Just throw it in the fountain out front and feed the insatiable money-eating school monster.

13. PARKING STRUCTURE 15. REC CENTER Don’t try to park here unless you’re absolutely desperate. Also plan two extra hours to walk to class.

14. UAM Supposedly, our museum is among the Top 10 in the nation. They have cool exhibits sometimes, including permanent Andy Warhol polaroids. Good place to look impressive on a cheap date.

Just turned one year old! The Rec Center is so pretty, it will actually make you want to work out. It’s free with our obscene educational dowry, so you might as well take advantage of it.

16. SPORTS FIELDS! They filmed some of the competition scenes in Billy Madison here. That’s a lie. They actually did film American Pie there, though. The fields are free to use for whatever you like until closing hours. Also a good place to pick up hot people.

17. THE SHIRE (MUSIC DEPT.) If you’re here, you got lost on your way to Pizzamania or the Rec Center. The hairy-footed music hobbits play ‘neath the ground, their beautifully mystic melodies floating to your ears from their subterranean practice rooms. Come visit us sometime, we’ll gladly have you over for second breakfast.

18. PYRAMID! It’s blue. There’s styrofoam peanuts inside. Some douches call it “The Point.”

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MUSIC SNOBS AND MAINSTREAMERS YOU’RE EITHER FLOATING IN THE MAINSTREAM OR SWIMMING AGAINST IT

MELISSA CASAS CONTRIBUTOR

he Dictionary.com definition of mainstream reads as follows: “belonging to or characteristic of a principal, dominant, or widely accepted group, movement, style, etc.” The condensed Urbandictionary. com definition of mainstream has a different take on things: “a gigantic brainwashing cover that the media and the government use(s) to blindly mislead people into all going the same way. Mainstream should die. I hate people nowadays because they are all the same: same trend, same bland-as-pigshit personalities, and same prejudice (sic).” I can see it now: some are vigorously nodding their dread-locked, non-conformist heads in agreement with the latter definition, some are fidgeting in their Toms (you bought them for charity, but you really bought them so you would match the rest of the undergraduate population) and have paused their dubstepand-Rihanna-filled iPods in offense, and the

last quarter are indifferently stoned or nursing last weekend’s hangover and PRAYING THAT THE WRITER DOESN’T SHOUT AT THEM IN ALL CAPS. We all have a friend, or we are that friend, who is the first of their social circle to rave about the latest EP from their favorite Icelandic Nu metal disco grindcore band and who feels gratified by the blank stares they receive from their tawdry conventional companions in return. This type of friend is also the first to scoff at any mention of a band that you recently discovered but that their pioneering selves discovered in 2007 B.C. “Have you heard the new song from Foster the People? That’s my jam when I’m getting ready for a night out!” “You and your popular music; how droll. Leave me to meditate while I ponder the abstract wavelengths created by the music of my favorite bossa nova industrial opera

group.” For this society-rejecting miscreant, mainstream is lamestream and nothing less than a band that has been heard of by negative one percent of the population will fulfill their auditory whims. You have to ask yourself whether this person is a revolutionary that will one day victoriously dance upon the grave of MTV and all of its associated artists, or whether they’re just another pretentious punk who has an insatiable need for unorthodox music and ideology. Originality is never a bad thing, but feeling entitled because of it makes you look like more of an arrogant jerk than a beacon of individuality. So, what’s the better option: to go with the crowd and to enjoy each trend as it comes, or to seek out the next big thing and enjoy it until the media takes hold of it and “ruins” it for you and your hipster friends? It depends on who you ask. Countless

times I have heard people express their disgust that an unworthy acquaintance had downloaded their favorite band’s latest tracks. Countless times I have done the same, bemoaning the loss of my assumed innovation. The eventual bestowal of the pleasure that an eclectic taste in music can bring, and the accrual of a few extra brain cells, changed my ways. In contrast to these dissenters of all things standard and popular, there lay your everyday KIIS FM aficionados. The types who worship at the altar of Wiz Khalifa and Katy Perry. To these two distinct species of music enthusiasts, I encourage you to broaden your horizons. What’s wrong with mixing Lady Gaga with a bit of that underground Siberian rockabilly funk? Why not listen to both Al Green and Deadmau5? In music, novelty is prized, but diversity never hurts.

SUMMER JAMZ: 2011

DISCUSSIN’ THIS SUMMER’S HOTTEST AND MUSICAL ENDEAVORS RACHELE FRIEDLAND CONTRIBUTOR

Where to start with music during Summer 2011? First, Sbtrkt released his selftitled album with the wonderful track “Wildfire”, which features vocals from Little Dragon; a rather lovely way to kick off summer. However, my two albums that have been on repeat were Shabazz Palaces’ Black Up and Portugal. The Man’s In the Mountain In the Cloud. Both are very well crafted albums. If you’re able to get enough information on Shabazz to see him live, I highly recommend it. Black Up is an album I hope will pick up more momentum throughout the rest of 2011. One album that is more summer-oriented is Unknown Mortal Orchestra’s (UMO) self-titled EP. The album is super fuzzy, lo-fi, and reverb-filled. It made a great entrance into the blogosphere and

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my iTunes. Along with the summer vibes comes LA-based sister duo, Bleached. I guess you could categorize them as garage rock or even punk. Although they’re starting to gain a few more followers here and there, you still may be able to catch them at The Echo if you act quick. One album I revisited this summer was Real Estate’s self-titled album. Like UMO, it was a bit lo-fi but sounded very beachy. This album always seems to resonate the feelings of summer; carefree, relaxed, and bummin’ out. Stereogum was able to pull together several indie heavyweights to cover The Strokes’ album, Is This It; re-titled as Stroked (clever, y’all). Real Estate can be heard on this tribute album (among Peter Bjorn and John, Owen Pallett, and The Morning Bend-

ers) doing an awesome cover of “Barely Legal”, which was without a doubt, the boner jam of Summer ’11. I personally didn’t get to attend any shows this summer aside from working Pacific Festival where I snuck out to see Afroman, who sported an all green suit, and Phantogram who previewed a new song that’ll be featured on their upcoming LP (keep an ear out). Prior to Pacific Fest, I also headed to our back yard, Huntington Beach, for a free set by MGMT with Surfer Blood opening for them. And although Surfer Blood may not have as big of a following as MGMT (formerly pronounced as “management”, if you’re hip like that), they did a great job filling the space. What’s gonna get you through the first few weeks of school? Well, if you wanna

feel nostalgic about summer and all the super fun times you had chilling real hard with your bros, give Poolside’s cover of Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon” a listen. The song is reinvented with a shimmering synth arrangement, spaced out reverb, and fingersnap filled “daytime disco.” So what should you look forward to this fall? Several things; first, pick up your ticket for FYF Fest (Sept. 3) for a day of solid indie rock and other experimental groups as well as comedians, etc. Second, what you should already have tickets for: Trentemoller and M83, who are both playing at The Music Box. ’Twas a good summer for music indeed, and fall will bring some excellent acts to the LA area as well.

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IF YOUR SUMMER SUCKED YOU MAY HAVE FAILED TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF CORRECTLY STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

WELCOME

i there! Welcome to hell! No, being back at school isn’t quite as bad as being cramped in a hot Volkswagen van roaming through the black streets of your personal underworld. Please take solace in the fact or fantasy that roughly 35,000 other students are entering this semester in more or less the same position you are. Whatever that position is determines the fact or fantasy. Either way I hope your summer involved serial relaxation devoid of motor skills for what seemed like 26 hours a day, much like myself. Sure, maybe you didn’t watch three seasons of NewsRadio on Netflix or get lassoed into “family time” to watch a poorly paced Bio Channel Zeppelin doc and J. Bieber’s prejac fame flick, but you were entertained I’m sure. The great thing about Summer 2011 was that whether you got snobby or threw money at anything that moved on screen, there was always something good to watch. At the basic level you had your buzz-bang-boom action blowouts (third Transformers, the final Harry Potter, Cowboys and Aliens) flying out the cineplex wazoo, trailed by a surprisingly sparse pack of animated ones (Kung Fu Panda 2, Cars 2, The Smurfs). At the artsy smartsy level your inner critic may have feasted on caviar-andcigarette-like films (Midnight in Paris, Tree of Life, Submarine) as well as sugary indulgences (Hobo with a Shotgun, Attack the Block, Bellflower). From here on out I’ll breakdown my personal summer favorites. Thank you for reading this while you also fan yourself with it.

Instead of watching any sequel,

Instead of watching Food Network,

Instead of listening to KROQ,

you should have watched:

you should have listened to:

SUPER 8

LOUIE, SEASON 2

WTF W/ MARC MARON

Movies like Super 8 are the reason why drive-ins should still be an existing institution across this great movie-loving nation. It wasn’t a metal crunching, robot-sexing tornado like Transformers. It had a fun, summery feel, just like going to the drive-ins. Super 8 had its share of enticing action, unpretentious and likable characters (the kids were at least Stand By Me good, maybe even better), some non-cheesy comedic moments, and a weirdly inordinate amount of lens flare on top of wall-to-wall chaos. It was a summer blockbuster that didn’t have me grumbling throughout. Except for the end, which was super Spielbergy and basically a cut-and-paste job of ’70s alien sci-fi. There were a few parts that looked to be unintentionally cliché and some that were perhaps purposefully cliché. For example, a soldier talking on a walkie to a character we’ll never see saying, “Sir, the weapons aren’t firing. We’re turning back!” seemed very 1950s monster movie. There were also quite a few moments throughout that had a classic Twilight Zone feel due to sound design, music, and the dying need to know what the heck is really going on. That’s always a plus. Other summer action movies like Rise of the Planet of the Apes could also stand and uphold the argument of being more than pleasant drive-in flicks, but Super 8 had this underlying nostalgic tone that is a rare find in today’s blam blam blockbusters.

It’s scary how great some television has been in the last few years. Louie is one of those shows that will undoubtedly go down in TV history. As what exactly is hard to say due to the different reactions and labels it’s received, but hopefully time will reward it the lasting title of “genius.” If you don’t know, Louie is the cerebral, meta-expressionistic sculpture of superbly original filmmaker and comic’s comic, Louis C.K. FX gave him nearly 100% creative control and his stellar first season paved the way for this summer’s new season. The second season was a step in the right direction in terms of depth and progression. You could make the assessment that season one gave us a taste and awareness for what Louie could be, where as season two built on that and ran like a wild man with tunnel vision. It had recurring moments like the strange influx of homeless men, the best being in a subway station when a gross man disrobes and washes himself next to a violin playing busker—a perfect example of what C.K. does so well with the show, visualizing the contrast between the putrid and the beautiful. There were also two outstanding guest appearances; one by Joan Rivers, who for once did not drive me up the wall with irritation, and a very surreal meeting with Dane Cook dealing with his and C.K.’s reallife joke-stealing bout. To you, Louie could be disgusting or triumphant, but either way, it’s the best comedy on television.

In the ever-widening world of podcasting, I know I’m unfashionably late in the discovery of WTF with Marc Maron. I found Maron’s talk with NewsRadio star Dave Foley after binging heavily on the sitcom this summer. My little ears were instantly addicted to the depth and introspection of the hour-long conversation spurred on by the acid-tongued yet surprisingly heartfelt Maron, a veteran comic and sourpuss. It was no shock-jockmorning-show-Howard-Stern buffoonery or improvised side-character driven Comedy Bang! Bang!, just genuine straight-talk spilling out of comedic figures we underlings fawn over so constantly. Some of the best episodes this summer featured Demetri Martin talking about the psychological abuse he received from other comedians when he was starting out, as well as his mental preparedness for kissing another dude in Taking Woodstock, and Aubrey Plaza’s bottle-rocket rise among the ranks of today’s top comedic collective, even after suffering a stroke at age 20. My personal favorite this summer, though, was The Onion alum Todd Hanson talking about the early workings of the satirical publication, having a reverent sense of humor during 9/11, and a detailed account of his failed suicide attempt. It’s not an easy listen, but it’ll get your wheels turning. Actually, most episodes will get you thinking, and soon enough you’ll find yourself engrossed in some of the most introspective interviews ever conducted with these funny people. UNION WEEKLY

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contributed by a group of friends, go to page 15. If you choose to procrastibate, go to page 16.

elcome to Universe University, the giant blue pyramid in the stars. You are a freshman. You have choices to make. There are many paths on this journey. Many choices. Many paths. You are a freshman. First of all, you must choose your major. The mission commander demands your decision. If you choose to major in space engineering, go to page 2. If you choose to major in accounting, with a minor in Neptune’s most native language, Sssnartch, go to page 3. If you choose comparative worlds literature, go to page 10. If you choose not to declare your major at this time, go to hell, and then page 6.

PAGE 10 You love literature, and earth literature just ain’t enough for the likes of you. But alas, you’ve lost your schedule in space! Only Matt LeBlanc knows its whereabouts. You don’t remember what class you’re supposed to go to. If you find your schedule, go to page 5. If you don’t find your schedule, go to page 7. PAGE 11 Your knowledge of language grows. You are hired as an interpreter’s apprentice on the set of Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons. After a few days on set, you fall in love with the film’s star, a cryogenically preserved Sigourney Weaver. If you pursue her, go to page 17. If you resist her feminine wiles or charms, go to page 14.

PAGE 2 Your dreams of becoming the finest space engineer in all of space could finally be coming true. But there’s a problem! It’s the first day of class, and you’re feeling a bit sick. If you go to class, turn to page 4. If you skip class, turn to page 7. PAGE 3 Today you take one small step in fulfilling your parents’ dream of you becoming an accountant. But you want to become an interpreter for the United Worlds, so you decide to study the Sssnartch language as well. Your parents want you to completely focus on accounting. If you comply with your parents’ wish, turn to page 9. If you decide to study language fulltime, turn to page 11. PAGE 4 You begin to hallucinate as your space fever rises. All the engiNERDS are starting to get on your engiNERVES. You murder about four. A campus stormjanitor gets you in a chokehold and ends you. PAGE 5 After finding your schedule, you walk to your first class of the day, Philosphy 101: Gravity-Free Philosophy, when you bump into a space troll … named Lloyd! He’s your best friend. You go out for pie after class and he pays. He invites you to a screening of the film Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons one earth week

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PAGE 12 Your diligence and hard work pays off. You ace the test and are graduated early. Good job, space nerd.

$66"()'.)&7!5*!1+##+'!+,5'$&# from now. You check your syllabi to see if there are any scheduling conflicts and realize that you will be having a big test on the morning after. If you choose to go to the screening regardless, turn to page 8. If you decide to stay home and study on that night, turn to page 12. PAGE 6 You have fallen into a black hole. Some cadets flourish after a year of general space ed while they just kinda feel things out, but you, however, did not. PAGE 7 Because you did not show up for your first class, your instructor has dropped you from the class and out of the butt of this

floating pyramid in space. There’s no oxygen in space and no one can hear you cream your jeans and you die. PAGE 8 At the Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons screening, the movie’s star, Sigourney Weaver, gives you the flirty eyes. You look over at Lloyd and he shrugs. If you pursue her, go to page 13. If you resist her feminine wiles or charms, go to page 14. PAGE 9 You are writing an essay on Pluto. The dog. You’re having a bit of trouble making it not shitty. What do you do? If you choose to try to find inspiration by gathering a list of ideas spontaneously

PAGE 13 You, Lloyd, and Sigourney Weaver fall in love. Together, you open up a spaceship pie shop. It fails, and you all live happily ever after. PAGE 14 Sigourney wants you bad. Your resistance is futile. She takes what she needs from you, then eats you, black widow style. Did I mention that Sigourney Weaver is a space spider? PAGE 15 You are killed in a brainstorm. PAGE 16 You’re beginning to feel really depressed. The pressure to become an accountant is too much. You set phaser to suicide. PAGE 17 Sigourney sleeps your way to the top. You become the United World’s most respected Sssnartch interpreter dance instructor.

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THE PALE KING

AN UNFINISHED REVIEW OF AN UNFINISHED NOVEL COREY LEIS

UNION STAFFER

love to read. There are few things or activities I enjoy more than holing up in a room and reading through the day and night. There are ancillary elements that can surely augment this activity1, but this simple act alone can be enough to occupy me for weeks2. At the end of spring semester, I looked over the expanse of summer with great anticipation. Look at all those unspent days I have to devote to READING! Naturally, I grossly overestimated the number of books I’d plow through. Instead of reading away my summer, I succumbed to intense apathy and marathon-length occupations on my couch, attempting to re-watch the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer3. This leaves the actual number of books I did manage to read at six. To some, this may be a pretty damned good number, but to a person who starts off an article with “I love to

1 E.g., pouring rain, a bottomless fridge of beer, no thoughts of debt or impending apocalypse, among others. 2 Were it not for financial/academic responsibilities. 3 I got to season five. Question: Anya or Cordelia?

read,” this is a paltry and embarrassing sum. Ah well. Onwards and upwards. Here are some of my thoughts on the most notable book I read over the summer break. In 2008, David Foster Wallace hanged himself, the unfortunate result of a struggle with depression I can’t begin to fathom. In his home in Claremont, California, he left behind the working manuscript of The Pale King. Apparently, DFW was pretty good about keeping his unfinished work out of sight, but he left this heaping manuscript on his desk in conspicuous view. His editor, Michael Pietsch, at the behest of DFW’s wife, undertook the colossal endeavor of sifting through the pages and piecing together a readable draft. As a result of his labor, we have half a thousand pages of DFW’s unfinished novel. The Pale King centers around a group of agents at the IRS Regional Examination Center in Peoria, Illinois, in the mid-1980s. To most people, a goliath novel4 about the 4 With no resolution to boot!

IRS may sound incredibly dull. One of the reasons DFW was such a great writer is that he could take the most banal subject (math or Garner’s A Dictionary of Modern American Usage, for example5) and make it the most interesting topic in the world with his unique sense of humor and his idiosyncratic writing style. The Pale King is no exception. Despite an abundance of seemingly unrelated chapters and dead-end plotlines, the work holds up. Perhaps simply by virtue of DFW’s ingenuity. It’s clear he was pushing for something a bit different with this work. For instance, he writes himself into the novel as one of the characters. DFW the character claims that it’s a memoir and that he did indeed work for the IRS for just over a year in 1985-’86. I haven’t done any leg work to glean the truth about this, but, quite frankly, I don’t really care. It’s a great device regardless. Admittedly, the lack of resolution is a bit irksome; however, this is overshadowed by 5 Q.v. Consider the Lobster or A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.

the frequent reminders that DFW’s gone. Undoubtedly, had he finished writing it and were he still alive, The Pale King would be a very different book than what we have today. Nevertheless, it’s still a compelling read and a worthy follow-up novel to his brilliant Infinite Jest. Check it out if you feel like ignoring your responsibilities and shelling up in a room for a few days6. 6 I may or may not have been kidding about this review being unfinished.

prizes, giveaways and activities

Alumna & Olympian

M I S T Y M AY - T R A E NOR Autograph Signing 5:oo pm ~ 7:oo pm

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CULTURE

DUDE, JUST CHILL

PHRASE THAT PAYS

LETTING GO OF STRESS THE ALL NATURAL WAY JAIME GOMEZ CONTRIBUTOR

Photo

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

hate summer classes. I honestly take them thinking I’ll get the same credit for half the work. Wrong. Its more like, the same amount work in half the time. As I am close to graduating, I decided to take two classes this summer. Never again. With work every other day and sitting through class for 8 hours a day twice a week, I was on suicide watch. For a while I was using energy drinks to get me through my long days, but I’m not the biggest fan of drinks like Red Bull and Monster. These are nasty drinks that “cool” people pound when they are in a hurry and have had no sleep the night before. Frankly, they make me too jittery. Oh yeah, and apparently they can kill you! Did you hear the story about that healthy 18-year-old man who died playing basketball after drinking two cans of Red Bull? Don’t worry if you haven’t, the punch-line isn’t funny. The point is, the benefits of these drinks are heavily outweighed by the drawbacks. While stressing over mid-terms, my girlfriend, Brea, offered me something she called her personal “relaxi-taxi.” Assuring me that she wasn’t referring to weed, she said: “Dude, Just Chill.”

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Work this newly minted phrase into conversation and I’ll buy you a pony!

What Brea was offering me was in fact an all natural, vitamin-pumped, functional drink, appropriately named: “Just Chill.” She usually drinks one after the hour of traffic she sits in daily. It helps her calm down and relax, but without any drowsy or sleepy after effects. Naturally (pun intended), I sought out to prove her wrong and did some research. Yet it seemed that Brea was right. I looked at the ingredients on one of these cans and I could have sworn I was looking at the back of a Centrum bottle. Vitamins B and C, zinc, ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and anything else my mom would be thrilled to hear about. The best part? It tastes like a day at a tropical beach (sans the sand in your shorts). I really don’t think I would have been able to pass History or Rhetoric without a couple of these babies during finals week. They honestly calmed me down, and let me focus on the task at hand. I recommend dropping by Whole Foods and picking some up. Oh, and I am not saying that I have tried it, but ‘Just Chill’ also mixes incredibly well with vodka. You know, for after you ace that final. For an in-depth reaction to Just Chill check out the sidebar.

Procrastibate: to replace high-priority tasks with acts of self-love Example: Yeah, I should be studying but I’m gonna procrastibate instead.

UNION REVIEWS ~JUST CHILL~PA “I’m not drinking this shit, [the label] uses Papyrus.” -Gabe Ferreira “It’s juicy…” -Leo Portugal “Tastes like mango…No seriously, I’d drink that. What is this?” -Chelsea Stevens “Ooh, it’s fizzy. I heard it be fizzy.” -Colleen Brown “It doesn’t taste like the piss most energy drinks taste like, but it still has a crappy mouth feeling.” -Chris Fabela

POOP SANDWICH

LISA VAN WIJK UNION STAFFER

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EASY

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HARD

29 AUGUST 2011

UNION WEEKLY

Think you can do better? Clearly the bar has not been set very high. Send in your own Shakabacca dialogue and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll probably run it! Email the comics editor at cfab.union@gmail.com

EASY

COMICS EDITOR

GROUP COLLABO

UNION STAFF

SHAKABACCA

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email all compliments to octogirl.grun@gmail.com, and have a nice cry.

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-*B@9'4/CABC9':0A' @BDE'CB:@10@'F1C' 3@/-.G@'CB3B0H' H/*H*10'*03CB:@B' BY CAMPUS DEEPTHROAT I decided to come forward with this information for several reasons. I’ve lost my wife, my kids, my purse and now I’m about to lose my life so it’s about time that I come forward with information about the inner workings of this campus. As many of you already know, this semester’s tuition went up, and I’m sure this will continue until someone puts a stop to it. I think I can be that guy—the guy that gets remembered for making a difference in people’s lives as opposed to the guy that was caught rubbing his testicles on the hand rails. Many of my colleagues think it might put my life in danger if I come forward with this information. They called me crazy and said that maybe I’ve been out in the sun too long, but I just don’t care anymore. Can you blame me? I’m so fed up with all the lies and the secrecy and late night Coke parties in the pyramid, and for what? So that I can go home to my wife and squeeze on her breasts until milk comes out? I thought that by just letting it slide that I would be okay. But every day the weight on my chest

gets heavier and heavier and now it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look into my kid’s eyes without cringing at the thought of my poor boy meeting the same fate that I’ve been forced to endure. One day I’m going to crack. I’m going to be sitting at Arby’s with my flaccid penis hanging out of my pants and scream, “I have the body of a pig.” I don’t Picture of Greeble (far left) taken a few weeks before he was sent to the olympic-sized pool in the sky. want to lose my child. He’s the only thing I about cherry cola. He could be trying to kill why they have this information in the records, but they did. Now I got them. They have since my wife left me. He’s so thin and me too. The expenses all seemed normal at first. killed Greeble. Then they used their crazy malnourished that his skin is starting to feel like plastic. It’s why I’m doing this. All for Six dollars for a box of condoms, a thousand pull to keep this secret by labeling random dollars for yacht cream, six hundred dollars purchases, but I know, and they probably him. All for us. I’ve been going through the records for a for anal reconstructive surgery. Typical stuff know, where the money is going. These kids are out here every week dowhile now, trying to find some solid evidence for any campus administration. Everything to hold against those jerks at the top, and I seemed a little too normal. But as I dug ing God knows how many sexual favors and think I’ve found it. The only caveat to telling deeper into the records, a name kept pop- crotch kisses and tickle parties so they can pay for what they think is a good education. you this information is that I will need to go ping up: Archie Greeble. Six years ago, a janitor named Archie These people have no right to charge what into hiding. The higher ups have their hands in some deep stuff and I don’t think I’ll be Greeble disappeared. It was strange when he they’re charging. Why spend so much money to cover it able to remain anonymous for too long. A didn’t show up since he was always on time gray car has been tailing me for weeks and I and always ready to work. He had only been up? Why even kill a person? Why would can only assume that it’s the mob. The school working at the school a couple weeks when they let me see this information? Unless mob. They’re after something. Trying to kill he was called up to the top to clean the of- they’re on to me. Someone please find out me maybe. Or that guy form the television. fices of the big wigs. Two days later. He was if they’re onto me and tell me. I don’t want The one with the crooked eye that only talks gone. No one saw him again. I don’t know to die, ever.

*0@*AB

ANIMAL STYLE Check out these hot celebs sporting the latest chic looks straight from France. It’s body swapping, or as it’s more popularly known “Bodden.” Celebs are lining up at their local surgery place so they can get a taste of what it’s like to live life on the wild side. Vin Diesel, who now prefers to be called Cat Von Diesel was the first to get the operation, citing that his love for his cat was too great for any mortal to understand. page :3