!""#$%69.10
CHEL ME ABOUT IT LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR
Illustration
CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
gabe.union@gmail.com
Managing Editor Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN
marcob.union@gmail.com
COLLEEN BROWN
colleen.union@gmail.com
Opinions Editor
UNION STAFFER
chelsea.union@gmail.com
LEO PORTUGAL
Senior Editor
ROSE FEDUK
ALISON ERNST
alison.union@gmail.com
STEVE BESSETTE
steveb.union@gmail.com
News Director
Entertainment Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor
LEO PORTUGAL
Literature Editor
VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
johnv.union@gmail.com leop.union@gmail.com vincha.union@gmail.com
CHRIS FABELA
cfab.union@gmail.com
OCTOPUS GIRL
octogirl.grun@gmail.com
Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA
Art Director, Cover Design
CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor
CHRIS FABELA
On-Campus Distribution
STEVE BESSETTE
Advertising Executive
gabe.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com steveb.union@gmail.com
FOLASHADE ALFORD folashade.union@gmail.com PR Specialist
Contributors: NICHOLE DANIELS (Cover Art) VICTORIA PALACIO MOLLY SHANNON VICTOR CAMBA BRIAN WANGENHEIM DANIELA GONZALEZ ALEX HERRERA SARA HATAKEYAMA DANIEL SERRANO OLIVIA NGUYEN GENE KANG
ERICA ABITO RAMIRO PEREZ CHRISTIAN PALLARCA DANIEL KRAMER ROSE FEDUK ALEXANDER BORG RICHARD CARDENAS KEVIN NICHOLSON CAROL ASHER JONATHAN AMAR JASMINE GAGNIER
L
ast Saturday, I decided to go surfing with my brahs and catch some pre-rager waves before all the Halloween hell broke loose. Okay, I wasn’t surfing, I was sitting on my towel notating my classmates’ poetry like the nerdy loser I am while my cool friends surfed, but the point is, I was at the beach. A terrible poem about World of Warcraft had lost my attention and I was staring across the horizon, when a dark shape suddenly passed through the corner of my vision. A few seconds later, three more shapes joined the first, and a burst of vapor lifted from the water. I continued to gawk at the shapes like an idiot, and a good twelve seconds went by before I realized that I was looking at a full pod of dolphins. I kid you not, there were easily twenty dolphins swimming maybe 30 yards offshore. It was the closest I’ve ever
been to a marine mammal, save my scarring experiences as a five-year-old at SeaWorld. You can’t really ignore the ocean and its abundant marine life when you grow up in a city like Long Beach. We were given a decent amount of ocean-related education throughout grade school, including the occasional beach day and various trips to our convenient Aquarium of the Pacific. Marine Biology was one of my favorite classes in high school, and I’ve always treasured Shark Week as one of the top three weeks of the year. A few months ago, when Discovery was airing this year’s annual Shark Week, I was shocked, proud, and pretty impressed to see that CSULB’s own Christopher Lowe had guest-starred on one of the programs. Mr. Lowe runs the Shark Lab program here at CSULB,
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Want to contribute to the
?
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : www.asicsulb.org/lbunion
one of the cooler perks in our brand new Hall of Science. His skill, passion, and knowledge of his craft were immediately apparent in his Discovery debut, and I instantly narrowed him down as a prospect for a future Union Weekly feature. Leo Portugal, one of our lovely Managing Editors, got the same idea after watching the special, and was able to track Mr. Lowe down for an interview (featured on page 7). If you’re as shark-crazy as we are, I think you’ll really like this guy. Maybe some dolphins will come to visit you, too, if you read the whole thing. Have an awesome, dolphin-filled week everyone, and thanks for reading.
(and possibly meet attractive, single women?*) *no promises
HERE’S HOW:
1. Read the Union. You’re already doing this.
2. Come to a Meeting. Every single Friday at 2pm in the Union Office (Next to Sbarro’s in the USU courtyard)
3. Write an Article. It’s way more fun than whatever other stupid shit you were going to do tonight.
SEND ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS TO CHELSEA.UNION@GMAIL.COM UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
3
!!"#"$#%
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL MY EXPERIENCE WITH ECSTASY ANONYMOUS CONTRIBUTOR
R
emember those recovering addict guest speakers that haunted our teenage years? Yeah, those speakers warning and scaring you about the dangers of drugs with the repetitive, “Don’t be like us, clean your room, and school is cool” type of attitude. Well, I never paid much attention to them. I never really thought I would be the kind of person that would have access to drugs. In hindsight, I sometimes wonder, perhaps I should have paid closer attention to them, and I probably wouldn’t have involved myself with drugs. Regardless if I listened to them or not, my journey with ecstasy would have still been destructive and colorful. It all started on prom night, the magical night when all high school seniors’ dreams come true. My friends and I decided the only way for us to tolerate the people from our high school (that we had been avoiding throughout our whole senior year) was to be under the influence. We bought ecstasy, since it seemed fitting for the occasion. For me, it was my first time ever inducing, but sadly it only slightly worked. Maybe my stomach was too full to digest the pill. Or maybe the pills were bunked, who knows? Disappointed with the weak pill, I decided to give ecstasy a second try. A week before graduation, my friends and I decided to take a trip down to Venice boardwalk and do the deed. I was more than terrified with the thought of swallowing that small pill. With a little convincing from my friends, I did it anyways. However, I can honestly say it was not peer pressure that made me do
4
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
Illustration
RICHARD CARDENAS CONTRIBUTOR
it. I don’t believe in peer pressure. In the back of my head, I had always wanted to try ecstasy. Not to prove any point to anyone, but just to experience what the buzz was all about. I think we all have the temptation to do something and given the chance and the right circumstances, we’ll do it. It didn’t take long for me to start feeling the ecstasy. This time, I knew the pill was definitely working on its full force. The world changed from then on. It was as if all the happiness in the world was in my body. All my worries and fears faded into thin air. Everybody was smiling and everyone was my best friend. My life abruptly became a Disney movie. Those Disney movies where you hear the birds chirping and the plants singing your own theme song. The sun could not have been shining any brighter. It was as if each ray of sunlight was striking against my skin and slowly melting it. I felt as if I didn’t have any bones, and I could have easily drifted into the sky. I was falling down deep, deep into Wonderland. I was attracted to any light, and my body could not stop moving. I had helicopter hands. I was “peaking” on ecstasy. The next day, both my body and my head had finally caught up. My initial thought was how could people talk negatively about drugs? I mean I took one, and I was fine, alive, and happy as I’ll ever be. My second thought was “OMG! I just found the key to life” and “let’s get more!’” When summer officially started, I was on top of the world. I was finally out of high school, I had freedom, and soon college was about to start, with ecstasy by my side.
I started going to raves, parties, clubs and truly appreciating electronic dance music. EDC 2010 was, dare I say it, epic. I started popping every month, giving my body a few weeks to recover. I was deeply falling in love with the drug. And just like any other love, I became committed to the relationship. College began, and I met more connects and more people to roll with. I was taking easy classes, and I would leave school by noon. I spent the rest of my days chilling, going to work, listening to electronic music, learning how to shuffle and finger roll. By Thursday, the party started. I marked down the days I rolled, and I planned my days accordingly. I only rolled on massive raves every month. If there wasn’t any rave that month, then the usual trip to the club worked just as fine. Good times were literally rolling. But just like any other love, I experienced the heartaches. As my pill count increased, the less effective one pill became. I eventually started taking two to three and five at maximum. I was on my way to “e-tardation.” This is when I started feeling heavy emotional comedowns. My world changed again. It turned from a Disney movie to an Edgar Allen Poe poem. Yeah, those poems with the dark background and a sad tone (with a annoying raven murmuring about Lenore). I started feeling depressed and paranoid for no apparent reason. My grades weren’t looking that great either. Though I maintained an A/B average in high school while taking AP classes, I could not maintain the same grades in college. Even though
my courses weren’t hard, I never studied or did the work. I never failed a class but the C’s kept on coming. My body became sick as I lost my appetite. I would catch a cold every month, and essentially I lost a lot of weight. From time to time, I would randomly black out and lose my balance. I became lethargic day and night. I literally turned into a zombie that would only come to life on ecstasy. I ignored these side effects for a while, but eventually I came to my senses (I honestly don’t know how). I realized I had to start taking college seriously and earn a degree. Just as Alice realized she couldn’t stay in Wonderland forever, I realized Wonderland wasn’t so wonderful. I had to find my way out. I deleted a few contacts, stopped talking to a few people, invested my money on other things like alcohol, (just kidding), and focused on school. Months later, I’m somewhat back to my sane self (with a few missing brain cells). Don’t get me wrong; I had plenty of fun and priceless experience with my closest friends while on the “love pill.” I connected with people in ways I would never thought I could have. I saw things that cannot be described in words. EDM and raves will always have a special place in my heart (and my brain, where some of my brain cells used to be). I will treasure those memories for a lifetime. The marathon was certainly fun while it lasted, but I’m more than happy to be out of the ecstasy race. Who knows if I will journey back to the rabbit hole one day, but for now and a long while, reality, school and work are all I need.
!!"#"$#%
SOLICITORS SUCK IN OTHER WORDS, DON’T TALK TO ME CHRISTIAN PALLARCA CONTRIBUTOR
After a long day of sitting and listening to extensive lectures, often times I can’t help but be glad when the clock finally turned to 4:45. This miraculous event means that it is finally time for me to go home or go wherever the wind takes me (that wind sometimes comes from the end of the joint I’m smoking). However, the thought of walking from my LA-2 class to the parking structure is sometimes horrifying. But, I just simply blast Peace Treaty’s remix of “The Funeral” in my iPod, and I am more than ready to hike down the hills of Cal State Long Beach. Every now and then, I manage to arrive to my car with peace and without any disturbance. But there are those days when I get lucky and I get stopped by a random person asking me if I have a minute. Immediately a mix of emotions start circulating my brain as for I know, one of the three things are about to come out of their mouth. They either want me to sign a ridiculous petition, donate money for some unheard of charity, or worse, join them in a Bible study and learn that my life has been surrounded with sins. You all know what I’m talking about, and like me, many of you actually have the decency to give them your precious two minutes. They’re not really asking for much but some of them can be rude and just weird. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to sign your petition. I know the
Illustration
DANIEL KRAMER CONTRIBUTOR
minute I write down my email in your mailing list, I will start getting spams about Viagra and Cialis pills. I seriously did, and I had to make a new email because the pesky spams wouldn’t stop coming. I am too young for those kind of pills. Everything is functional so far. (Perhaps email me when I’m 70 when I decide to follow Hugh Hefner’s footsteps.) No offense to those who seriously needs signatures for a real and legitimate petition. But nowadays it’s really hard to decipher the sketchy people from the real petitioners. I think what’s worse than the petitioners are those people asking for a few dollars to be donated for their sketchy organizations, while they show you their ridiculously sketchy ass license (from 10 years ago). Watch out because they’re pretty slick and convincing. Sometimes they bring a child just to make you sympathize with them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty charitable person, and I love doing community service, but how do I know that the two dollars I could be spending on my lunch will actually be donated to a good cause. I’m a college student, and just like the cliché, I am broke. Every dollar counts. It’s even sketchier when one day you will tell me that you’re from a battered women’s organization then two weeks later you’re from some orphanage. Just because you’re wearing a different wig doesn’t mean I won’t recognize
you. Try to show consistency at least. Out of these nuisances, the worst, in my opinion, are those people asking people to join them in their Bible study. Before you say anything, I’m not an Atheist. I actually believe in God, and I pray every night (except during those nights when I’m passed out in the toilet). I probably get asked once every week, but there are those days when I get asked every single day of the week. Sometimes I feel flattered that they actually want to spread the word to me. But sometimes when I’m in a really terrible mood because I had just spent 20 minutes looking for parking, I can’t help but get offended because, I mean, do I really look that devilish, or does it look like my soul needs that much saving? I hear about the importance of the Bible and Jesus from my parents already, so I don’t need to hear it from a stranger. Please don’t lecture me about the sanctity of marriage
or how I need to repent. And seriously asking me right of the bat “Where my morals come from?” is not a great icebreaker. Maybe ask, “How is your day is going?” Then maybe we’ll have a better conversation. Occasionally it is hard to avoid these people as they do have those “in your face” attributes. I can bet that everyone in this school has been approached at least once. But try to be polite and don’t be rude to them. The usual “I have a midterm next class and I can’t talk” usually works on making them back off. And the more popular “I don’t speak Ingrish” is probably my favorite. You also have the option of pretending to talk on the phone, looking down and watching your feet move, or simply walking a different path. However, if you’re like me, talking to them when you have the time is pretty amusing. Trying to understand them is sometimes a challenge.
girlfriend he ever had. I always laugh, because we “dated” for exactly one month before he crushed my little freshman girl soul. But this experience made me a stronger person. I didn’t cave and do what the he wanted me to do. I chose to stick to my guns even though it cost me a “boyfriend.” I later learned how weird
and creepy he was (band geek!) and I was glad that I didn’t do anything that I’d regret. If you feel uncomfortable about something, don’t do it, even if you feel pressured. If the other person is truly worth it, they won’t force you to do something you don’t want to do. Otherwise they aren’t worth the time of day.
DATE DISASTERS
EVEN YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN BE REALLY AWKWARD ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
My worst date (but favorite date story to tell) happened my freshman year of high school. My “boyfriend” at the time was too young to drive, so my parents drove us to the movie theater. To see the movie, Blades of Glory. Yeah, that ice-skating movie featuring Napoleon Dynamite and Will Ferrell. It was an awkward car ride. The car ride is always awkward, but this date represented the first time my parents met Jake. They asked the typical questions, such as “Do you like school?” and “What do you want to do when you grow up?” Most embarrassing to my 14-year-old self though, was the fact that he felt the perpetual need to rub my shoulder with his arm extended over the middle seat (we were both sitting next to windows). What is even worse is that my younger sisters were sitting in the third row and saw this all happening. Super awky. In the theater, we do the typical date thing and get a Coke and popcorn. For a brief moment a red flag went up when Jake led me to the back corner of the theatre, but I was a freshman and naive so I didn’t know what this implied. Throughout the duration of the ENTIRE movie, he had to have his arm around me or
hold my hand. He couldn’t stop touching me. And for a good 20 minutes, he turned his head to stare at me. He continued to stare and I felt more uncomfortable at that time than I’ve ever felt in my life. I knew that he was trying to hint that he wanted to makeout with me, but I was only 14-years-old and I wasn’t ready. I pretended to be super engrossed with the movie. I couldn’t wait for the movie to end and finally be out of his arms and his neverending gaze. The lights came on and I jumped up. I made some comment about how it was a great movie and Jake grabbed my hand as we went to find my parents to give us a ride home (during which I endured more of the awkward shoulder touching). About one week later he approached me in the hallway at school before first period to break up with me, citing that he was “too busy” with drumline and school to have a girlfriend. I had a pretty good idea that it was actually because I wouldn’t makeout with him, but I was crushed nonetheless. Every year (sometimes multiple times a year), Jake contacts me and tries to initiate something again. Always something about how he misses me and how I was the best
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
5
!!"#
CSULB HAS RUGBY WAIT, WHAT? WE HAVE RUGBY? ALISON ERNST
S
NEWS DIRECTOR
ince 1974, CSULB has had a rugby club. Not only do we have the club, but we have a pretty darn good one with a win-loss percentage of 72%-28% over the 38 years it has existed. The club has won multiple tournaments, including the DI Pacific Coast Championship (three times!), several Southern California championships, and the unofficial nation championship. CSULB Rugby has even reached the final four stage of the national tournament hosted by USA Rugby a total of three times, and they competed in the National Sweet 16 last spring for the first time in 18 years. Dr. Dale Toohey is the founder of our school’s rugby club and was a coach until 2000 (now in the CSULB Hall of Fame). All of the current coaches are volunteers; they are not paid for their time spent on the field. Coach Kyle Quinn, a CSULB alumni, started heading the team in 2008. All of CSULB’s rugby coaches are alumni; they volunteer their time because they enjoy the sport and the program. I recently had the opportunity to sit down and chat with Kyle about the team. Every two years the rugby team goes on tour. It has been to all the major rugby playing countries and most recently, this past August, it has toured in Australia and New Zealand. The team is planning to tour Spain and Portugal in 2013. Touring adds to the program, and enables players to compete with rugby teams worldwide. Coach Quinn said that, “You literally can have friends all around the world.” The program strives to produce a quality team that supports each individual player to become the best player that he can be. The program gives its members access to a rugby
6
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
pitch year round as well as access to lockers and weight rooms. CSULB has top rugby coaches, the 49er Rugby Foundation (a great alumni group), international guest coaches, trainers, and a parent group that support the athletes. The program also has a great track record of graduating its athletes. As Coach Quinn pointed out to me, “It’s going to be the friendships that you made, the extracurriculars that are going to resonate with you. It’s about seizing the day.” Rugby is unlike any other sport. Teams are composed of 15 players. The game consists of two 40-minute halves. It is similar to soccer, and unlike football, in the sense that there is little down time. The only time a game stops is when the ball goes out of bounds or a player commits an infraction (similar to a penalty). Even more unlike football, every single player has to have the ability to run, catch, throw, kick, tackle, and defend. The rugby field is called a pitch, and it is bigger than a football field. A pitch is about 65-70 meters wide and 110 meters long. CSULB has had a full-size regulation rugby pitch since the 1970s. A rugby ball is similar to a football, but it has a rounder shape. Blocking is not allowed in rugby. You can run with the ball until you are tackled, run out of bounds, or run beyond the goal. Once you are tackled, you have to surrender the ball and get out of the way, as only players that are on their feet can have possession of the ball. Passing is another way to move the ball, but you can only pass across or backward. Passing forward isn’t allowed. You can kick the ball forward, but either team could gain possession of it and the play doesn’t stop even if the ball hits the ground.
Rugby players typically wear shorter shorts and a jersey with no padding. As Coach Quinn explained to me, “The human body won’t allow you to put yourself in a situation where you can’t hit harder than your body can handle. We do get more bruises, especially in the beginning of the season, because most guys aren’t used to getting hit.” Players typically get much worse injuries while playing football with all the padding. Points are scored in rugby in four different ways. A try earns a team five points for touching the ball down in the opposing team’s goal-area (not unlike a touchdown). A conversion occurs when a team earns two extra points for kicking the ball through the goal posts (not unlike the extra point in football). The penalty kick is offered to a team after the opposing team commits a major law violation; it awards a total of three
points for an effective penalty kick. If the kick is unsuccessful, the ball is still in play. The last way to earn points is through the drop goal. A successful drop kick earns a team a total of three points. Like the penalty kick, if it fails, the ball is still in play. Most of the CSULB Rugby team hadn’t seen a rugby ball prior to joining. The athletes come from other sports more commonly offered at the high school level, like soccer, football, or wrestling. That being said, every single body type and build is sought after for the team. Rugby is a sport where there’s a position for everyone who is interested, whether you weigh 140 pounds or 250 pounds. There is rigorous training for rugby, so you will get in shape from participating in the program. Matt Kinsel, the president of CSULB Rugby and fourth-year Kinesiology major, advises that students shouldn’t be intimidated, “There are obviously guys here that have played before, but when I came in as a freshman, I was the only one in my class with any rugby experience. We have a lot of guys that come in with limited, if any experience. It’s really about being determined and coming out, not getting frustrated with the fact that you don’t know a whole lot.” Jaime Bigornia, a third-year Political Science major and third year CSULB Rugby player, suggested that anyone interested should “Just do it. Don’t think about it, just do it. That’s like how a lot of things in life are actually surprisingly good. Don’t think about it, just do it. You might actually pick up the sport.” Both Matt and Jaime stressed that it is possible to play rugby, do well in school, and have some free time. Good time management is crucial to maintaining the busy lifestyle of a student/rugby player. The team has practice and conditioning sessions twice a week and plays games on Saturdays. If you’re interested in joining, you can email Kyle Quinn (the Head Coach): lbstaterugby@gmail.com or check out the website, http://longbeachstaterugby.webs.com/. In the words of Jaime (and Nike), “Just do it.”
FEATURE
Feature
LEO PORTUGAL MANAGING EDITOR
Photos
F
The Marine Biology laboratory, which houses starfish, lobsters, & shellfish, among other aquatic creatures.
Chris Lowe, head of CSULB’s Shark Lab.
DAVID ISKANDER
CONTRIBUTOR, AFROPICS.NET
ounded in 1969, CSULB’s Shark Lab is much more than just the laboratory’s physical structure, with its tanks housing sharks, fish and rays; it’s the training ground for marine scientists. Day-after-day, these students are out on boats, diving undersea, or knee deep in wetland mud, as they work towards new understandings of marine life. And if you ask any student in the Shark Lab why they chose to pursue their graduate studies at CSULB, they all cite the same reason. “It was Chris Lowe and his lab and his reputation,” says Thomas Farrugia, a graduate of CSULB’s masters in biology program under Dr. Christopher Lowe, who was kind enough to call me from the University of Alaska where he is currently working towards his PhD. Lowe, a former Shark Lab student under the lab’s founder, Dr. Donald R.
Nelson, returned to head the lab in 1998 after receiving his PhD. “I was 90% drive, 30% talent,” Lowe says. “I knew what I wanted to do and was willing to work hard for it.” So in the end, if you learn nothing else from reading this, remember that if you work hard you could have your own shark lab (maybe not a literal one, but you never know). If you watch the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, you might remember Lowe as one of the scientists who speak on camera. For over 15 years, Lowe has contributed to about 20 shows on Shark Week. They use parts of his research and bring him in as a consultant. Lowe’s job, as he puts it, is to “keep some education in it—some real science in it.” With the help of Lowe and Shark Lab students, I was able to dive deep into the work done in the Shark Lab, and I was able to discuss Shark Week’s scientific merits with real marine scientists.
A real (maybe) shark jaw and an inflated shark, hanging from the Shark Lab ceiling.
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
7
FEATURE
Sharks and Recreation
The Lowe-down on Shark Week and the Impact of the “Hollywood” Shark Shark Week truly is a feeding frenzy of entertainment, drawing viewers in like sharks to blood (I’ll cool it on the dumb shark metaphors for a while; this is a dumb-metaphor marathon, not a sprint). Shark Week puts forth 168 hours of great entertainment each year. However, viewers have to be aware that there is little science in this big week. The shows tend to become, as Farrugia puts it, “more extravagant, with more teeth, more ripping of bones,” and producers often want high-octane hosts to match. Farrugia says it’s unfortunate that a real scientist has to appear stoic and quiet, or worse, boring, in comparison to a so-called “shark expert” with no science background. These unscientific sharksperts can make outrageous claims all day long, because they have no credibility to discredit. On the other hand, true biologists are required to be more mildmannered as they stick with silly things like “facts” and will often be required to say boring things like, “We’re not sure yet, more research still has to be done.” “The challenge is that I don’t get crazy
8
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
enough for them,” Lowe says, speaking to this very issue. “They want Steve Irwin. But I have to be careful because the only thing I have is my scientific credibility… If I want to continue to be a scientist and not lose the respect of my colleagues, I can’t go around jumping on animals going” [at this point, Lowe goes into a bad Australian accent and says] “‘crikey!’ and ‘this is dangerous!’ There is that battle, and unfortunately, a lot of shows these days want that.” But, if you really want to look for faults in Shark Week, one show really goes beyond the call of doody: When Fish Attack. It recounts real, terrifying tales, like one where a seal dragged a man to the depths of the sea as it nearly humped him to death (it is debatable whether the being molested by the seal or the drowning was deadliest). Now, let’s look past the fact that seals are marine mammals (not fish), and instead consider that it this show, and many others, focus on cheap thrills and manufactured drama, making them compare a little too favorably with land-creature-based reality TV (shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians,
Flavor Flav’s Flavor of Love, and The Real House Wives of New Jersey). Many Shark Week “documentaries” laugh in the face of science. “Hahaha!” they’ll say, as they knock books out of Science’s hands. “You’re such a dweeb, Science.” It’s safe to say that the best part of When Fish Attack 3 (the show’s most recent incarnation) was when a great white shark evacuated its bowels, releasing a poof of yellow into the deep blue sea. Then fish swarmed in to eat its poop. Okay, nevermind, I’ve just convinced myself that this show ain’t half bad. There is a unique focus on sharks above any other type of predatory animal. Lowe points this out, “There’s not Bear Week on Discovery Channel, and there’s not Cougar Week on Discovery Channel. It’s Shark Week.” (I replied that there is Cougar Town on ABC, but that’s a little different.) The spotlight placed on sharks in Shark Week is a service and disservice simultaneously, Lowe says. It often builds upon the demonized notion of the shark made popular in Jaws (and the general vision of sharks as symbols of horror proliferated in most films featuring them), but it also
brings forth sharks as a more common part of the public’s dialogue. Shark Week has a two-faced nature, in this way. “I fight with these guys about this all the time. They’ll always go: ‘Tell us why you think it’s important that people protect sharks.’ And here I am, on camera, saying, ‘Sharks are important to the marine environment. They keep oceans healthy and the animal populations healthy. We need them for our oceans.’ And, in the background, while I’m telling them all this, you hear” [Lowe begins to recite the Jaws theme] “‘da dum, da dum, da da da dumm dadada.’ They’re asking me to tell everyone why to protect sharks, but in the background they’re telling people to be scared of sharks.” Once humankind can get past the much exaggerated demonization of the shark, we can begin to live harmoniously with our shark neighbors. Still, awareness is a powerful weapon in any cause, and the awareness raised by Shark Week can lead to further research and protection of shark species. Plus, it’s hard to deny that it can be really fun to watch.
FEATURE
The Science of the Sea The Shark Lab and their Work A simple blip on a computer screen comes to represent a real creature as it moves around the ocean. Half a dozen sting rays flutter around the bottom of a tank, as they serve the students with a wealth of information. If you want real science, talk to someone in the Shark Lab rather than watching Shark Week. The Shark Lab offers its students the resources needed to conduct their real and meaningful research. They have the technology to monitor and track species from the lab, as well as the technology out in the water: tracking beacons and tags on placed on animals. “If it swims or walks,” Lowe says, “we can track it.” They have numerous fresh and saltwater tanks, keeping various specimens on hand for study. Students here are trained in diving and boat driving. But the community of young scientists created in the Lab could be its most valuable asset. “It’s a really cool, dynamic lab,” says Shark Lab alumnus Farrugia. “Everybody helps out with everybody else’s projects.” During his time in the Lab, Farrugia was able to diversify his learning experience by assisting other grad students in their research, including work in a white shark tagging project. A current graduate biology student, Ryan Freedman, emphasized this same point, saying that he would not be able to do his research without the help of undergraduate volunteers. Freedman has been collaborating with Dr. Christine Whitcraft’s students, studying how effectively wetlands and estuaries have been restored. Union managing editor Gabe Ferreira, photographer David Iskander, and I joined Freedman on some of his field work, going on an expedition to the Bolsa Chica ecological reserve, where we would fish for California halibut in order to determine if the fish had begun to use the newly restored Bolsa Chica. Before we got into one of the Lab’s SUVs, Freedman warned us that it
would “smell like science.” And by “science,” he meant fish. We hopped into the fishy SUV and drove off. Besides joining Freedman on this fishing expedition, we also learned about other parts of his research, including the translocation of marine predators between and within estuaries. This is cool stuff. Basically, he’ll catch gray smoothound sharks in one estuary, tag them, and drive the sharks down PCH (very Street Sharks-esque) to deposit them in a different estuary, and then do the same there, driving sharks from the second estuary to the first. If tagged sharks return to their original home, it would show that the estuaries have been restored to the point of reconnection. When I asked him if there were ever any complications in his task, Freedman simply said “Traffic.” But beyond that, his work has been progressing smoothly. Freedman’s project is just one example of the many conducted in the Shark Lab. The Lab is also conducting much research into the biology of sting rays, and further into game fish and sharks–research that will help with preservation of species and environments. Being able to see some of the Shark Lab’s students’ work is inspiring. As I started working on this story, I held some deeply pessimistic beliefs; swimming in my mind were thoughts of overfishing, polluted seas, and a general mistreatment of the ocean. I was ready to see if these Shark Lab veterans, people more deeply in touch with the marine world than I could ever hope to be, would leave me reassured about the state of things, or if I would be further depressed. The stories and the events that make their way into the news are the more depressing and negative types of stories (hence, my feelings of woe). They’re stories of shark finning, where a shark is caught, its fin removed, and the rest of the shark is discarded; stories of fish farming, growing
overly-antibiotic-infused fish in such large quantities and small areas that they begin to cannibalize each other, and pollute the farm to such extents that it is unusable, causing farmers to move onto a new area to destroy. After I finished complaining about these problems to Farrugia, he assured me that there are also positive stories in fisheries, and that the bad news brought forward serves as a catalyst for change. “I think one of the biggest problems is that, because of what we’ve done in the past, we have less leeway to make errors,” says Farrugia. “We have to be as cautious as we can with our resources.” The problems are real, but change is possible. Unfortunately change is slow, and has to happen around the world. Farrugia says, “The problem comes in developing countries or in international waters where the regulations there are, one, much harder to put in place, and, two, much harder to enforce.” Farrugia knows this problem first hand; he spent the summer interning at the United Nations fisheries division. For six weeks, he worked on the development of plans for sustainable fisheries in developing countries. “The UN is the biggest international body out there,” says Farrugia, “and they’re doing a lot of work in the science, policy, and management side for developing countries. The problem is that the UN doesn’t have a lot of enforcement power. They don’t have the money of the fishery companies.” They have to use their clout to save trout (and other fish). On a national level, Lowe has conducted eight years of research on offshore oil platforms, and, in a strange way, these oil platforms serve as a dualistic symbol of the relationship between man and nature. While on one hand, the oil rigs are symbols of possible disaster, of mankind encroaching on nature, and of the greed of oil companies, a look under the surface of the water tells
a different story. The structures of these oil rigs, running deeply underwater, can offer some surprising ecological benefits. They house thriving marine life as they offer protection from marine predators. The U.S Department of the Interior has even started a nationwide Rigs-to-Reefs program, where rigs are transformed into artificial reefs. The ways species make homes here is display of nature’s resilience and adaptability in the face of human intrusion. The Shark Lab and its alumni are working towards a better tomorrow. And we’re “The Beach.” We have to be a part of this too. There a couple questions to consider: #1 Where are you throwing your garbage? #2 What are you eating? For #1, basically don’t litter. If you do, you’re an asshole. Everything thrown to the ground can end up in the ocean by way of storm drains. So don’t litter. Simple. #2 is more complex. Many methods of fishing are extremely detrimental to the environment. The Monterey Bay Aquarium provides a “Seafood Watch” list, which identifies which seafood choices are acquired in a safe and sustainable way. This is a positive step. However, it helps more in the awareness than in the practice. Farrugia says, “There is still common misidentification of fish because of the process of fishing, catching, shipping, and selling.” It becomes difficult to trace your fish all the way from the ocean to the plate. Farrugia suggests that most domestically raised and caught fish are best, and to try not to eat shrimp unless you know the guy who caught them. “Consumer has incredible power,” Lowe says. “We’re the ones. We’re the ones who decide what gets caught and what doesn’t. If people don’t buy it, fishers won’t catch it; it’s that simple. If we wait for the government to do it, if wait for anybody else to do it, it won’t happen—not in time. We all have to do our part.” UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
9
!!"#$"%&!'#!"
ALL DRUNK REVIEWS, ALL THIS WEEK MONEYBALL
IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA BOARD GAME BEN PUP
ATTICUS HALIBUTS
REDDIT REP
ALMOST DEAD
W
hat’s the name o’ the game? It’s moneyball motha. Tha’s righ, Tha’s righ, we here playin’ this monayball. Rules? Rule 1, don’t talk about the fight club. That’s Brad Pitt reference, same actor, different movie, go tell hell, get off my car, leave your shitty attitude off the field. Another ref. But to moneyball. Also winning is good, losing is bad, losing when brad pitt is your leader, even worse. Believe? Better. Or, you can go to hell, deeper down, again and again. Gosh just watch the movie already. All your stupid pre-conceived hangups can be thrown out liek a bottle of old turpentine whiskey. I did it, jack lalaine did it, you can too, brotha. Shoot, keep getting off, anyway. So. Here. Follow. Walk with me. Like this. That’s the way. Brad Pitt is a softy eyed mang who wants to be Rob Redford’s forgotten twin, and I know everybody who has an entertianment blog or updates their twitter a lot, has already linked the two, but I don’t
care. It’s true. I’m validating this. Does the exception prove the rule? Does a bear have hair under his yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He does. Accept it. Seriously? Shut up. Shut your face. Stop it. Stop it. Stop reading this. If you don’t hate me already, hate Philip Seymour Hoffman for giving the most benign and underwhelming performance of the year, of his career, for chris’ sakes he’s bald with Ed Begley Jr. eyebrows. What is his deal? What heppaned to... heck every character he’s ever done? Gone. Right with Capote. So much referential inbreeding, God, I hate myself. Moneyball doesn’t really have a message, but if you can find one, there’s at least two more, because it seems to shift it’s view point. But mainly, winning all the time and never losing because losing makes you look like a pus, is the big picture. So watch and either let it reinforce you positively or make you feel like you’ve done nothing in your life. End me. Just end me know.
VALHALLA RISING
SHARKO PEDIATRA
VIOLENT AT HEART
10
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
the game is to won the most “shares”in the game. Thats right, you neeeeed to own the puddys pub to win. I didnt wiin either time we playewC :( fuck me I hate rum so much, you font even know. Rum is nsasty and taste nasty. My brother won botyh rounds because he knows the game well......lor he cheats!?!?!?!!?!?!? nah, he nis just too good at the game. I love It”:s Aleways Sunny In Philidaeplhia in game board from. Well, rhias is another gr8 article form Benpup, who you might6 know from I reddit.com or collectedanimals.org. I highly recommend this board game to ankyone that lieks its always sunny in philly rnough to call them selves a fan of the3 showl,i know I am a fan of this show cause I LFUVKING LOVE IT!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 fuck all yall haters that say other waise. Fuck yall. Sunny = best show on tv OF ALL TIME, THATS RIGHT
CHINATOWN
CORNEY LEWIS All right, Steve! You wanted it, and I’m going to give it to you good. Which is not the correct way to use the word good by the way. I’ve had about seven or eight or twelve beers (which I’m legally able to do in the comfort of my own home if I want to). Nevertheless, here’s what I have to say. So I watched a movie called Valhalla Rising. I watched it last night, but by the time this gets printed it will have been like at least a few nights ago. We’ll say like four. Four nights ago. Anyway, this movie is about vikings. And vikings, as we all know, are pretty sick. Like sick good. Rad sick. Except if you’re a racist, ‘cause some people think that vikings are like their racist forefathers. That’s not sick. I’m at just over a hundred words. This has to be two fifty, huh? So if you watch this movie you’ll see the part where the main dude, whose name is-wait, I’m listening to music right now, and
So here I am...one sundfay afternoon. Its like, 3:00 or something, im watching sunny on tv and its funny. Whats betteR? My, nick (aka my brother) and alex(my brothers girlfeidend that I lvie with) are all playing the sunny game. Its a board game thats fun. The board game ahas all the characters. Also, the whole time, we ahave been drinking sailor jerrys rum. I dont do well with rum. Last time I had rum was my birthday and I passed out and had troubles breathing suppposedly. Anyways, this game is made fun. You choose to be vharlie kelly, dennis reyneliods, dee reybnol;ds, frank renoylds. Or m,ac. I choose mac cause he is a fuckjing bad ass. I have played two games so far and quite more than a fair share of the sailro jerrys. It aint fun yo. I mean the rum. Fuck dat. The game is amazing though yo. I oncem al,mst wone the game! But then I lost because I didnt have enough sgares. The way you win
PROBABLY HOMELESS
Power Quest just came on, which is pretty good for writing an article about vikings ‘cause they’re power metal and stuff and they’re pretty rad. They have a song called Valhalla, which is a good power metal song. Which is related to this article. Same with Another Holy War. That’s a really good song by Power Quest. So anyway, when the main dude, One-Eye, is first introduced in the movie, he pretty much smashes some faces in, and there’s this ace scene where he beats a dude’s head in with a club or other similar blunt object, and the stroganoff of his brains is like visibly splattered all over. Pretty rad! I was exclaiming things outloud throughout the action scenes. The other scenes though are pretty quiet. Don’t be tired if you watch this movie. But it’s really good. The same dude that directed Drive directed this movie. This is like over three hundred words. Sorry, Steve.
Chinatown. Stuff happens there. What I really enjoyed about that movie was that I wasn’t expecting anything. I’m going to spoil it. People die. There’s dam and people are like “what the fuck, chinaman? Where’s my damn?” I’m pretty sure it’s racist because people at the time were pretty racist. My favorite part was when Roman Polanski comes out and he pulls that knife out on Jack Dickleson Ha and cuts his nose. I wasn’t expecting him to come out for that scene at all. I was forced to laugh at it by my lonesome because my friend didn’t laugh at that part. I was like, “oh that’s the director!” and he was like, “Oh yeah” and continued to eat his hot dog from circle K. My friend and I looked up Fay Dunaway (I know that’s misspelled but I think it’s hilarious to misspell her name) naked. She was hot, sort of. It’s cause you see her nipples in the movie, so I was like I wonder what she looks
like when she’s not being fucked hardcore double penetration (Jack dickleson’s dick in her vajay jay and his testicles in her butt. That’s DP in my book. Unless you’re talkin’ bout Donkey Punching) that doesn’t really happen. For most of this movie I had the biggest E-rection for the cinematography. Just watch the movie.. Most of the time I was like, “how the fuck did you get such beautiful colors out of dark scenes! I heard from some guy that I audited the class for that most of the cinematographers are from another country so they look at areas like Los Angeles or “whatever” like if they were totally fucking duck sucking awesome (there’s a song by Fenix Tx that’s called the rooster song that says “suck my duck”). I put this in my top twent films to watch about like true crime stuff, well that and Peter jackson’s Heavenly creatures.
!!"#$"%&!'#!"
Images
13 ASSASSINS
PHOTO EDITOR
COMMUNITY
SAN FRAN LOVIN-TAN
MR. JEFFASON
BLOOD TYPE: O+
Ok., earlier tonight I saw “ 13 Assasins”. It is a samurai movie. Yes, it has subtitles. Anyway, the antagonist of the film is this sadistic and corrupted lord. The film goes out of its wat to establish him as an irredeemable asshole who is not worthy of the audiences sympothy. There is one scence where he uses captive peasant for target practice. A little girl, no less. Yes. He is evil incarnate. Ther are also other scenes of equall barbaism ans cruelty that ilustrate the extwnt of the antagonist’s evilness (?). So this one samurai decides that he’s had enough of this shit. He then proceeds to rally a ragtag team of badasses in order to dispense some karmic justice. So now, you have to know that there are
CONNOR O’BRIEN
MOVIN’ ON UP
only thirteen warriors( twelve, if you don’t count this one dirty bum ) in the group ( hence the title of of the movie). Originally, they thought they would only have to contend with 70 soldiers, which would hav been an impressive undertaking in itself. However, things go awry when they discover that ther are actually over 200 men. You do the math. Without spoiling any more of the plot, I’ll just say that the film culminates in a bloody climax. I have to emphasize the bloody part. It’s quite the spectacle to behold. There is some beautiful cinematography througout. Although, there were some CG flMING bulls that looked pretty fake. Overall, good movie.
I just used my phone as a mouse. Okay, drunk review here we go…So I’ve been watching season 2 of community for the past two days. Watch it so it doesn’t get cancelled. Seriously, remember when you heard about that weird show Arrested Development and you caught two or three episodes and then tuned out and then it got cancelled and you were all, “Oh my god, this show is genius”? Well, this show is dangerously close to becoming the next Arrested Development. Oh wait I forgot to mention Party Down. My friend Alexis would kill me if I didn’t mention how Party Down was cut down in its prime. So Party Down was this amazing show that was all about a food service company oh thank
you Microsoft autocorrect for thwe help and Adam Scott (okay that’s the last time I’m gonna capitalize because it’s starting to become this whole goddam process ofholfing down the shift button and then pressing the letter ketys) what was I dauing? Oh yeah Adam Scott is the lead and he’s all broken hearted and handsome and dry humored, uyou’ll love it. New Paragraph. The point I was makinf earlier is not to miss out on Community befire it’s taken off the air. Rose says I should mention her in this article so her’es yous shout out! Okay, back to community. Abed is a autistic uy who sees the world through a telebiosn sence . who else is on this this show? Troy
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
11
!!"#$
THIS WEEK IN LONG BEACH: KARL? JUSTINE GOLDSMITH CONTRIBUTOR
SKANKS AND HOES WHY I LOVE SKA MUSIC ALISON ERNST
S
NEWS DIRECTOR
ka music has always been big in my house. Growing up, Dad took me to concerts and constantly played his mix-tapes around the house. It wasn’t until I hit high school that I was able to appreciate ska music and my parents’ good taste. For my 13th birthday, my dad took me and my best friend to the House of Blues in Anaheim to see The Selecter. It was my first ska concert ever. I absolutely loved the energy of the lead singer, Pauline Black, and my fellow concert-goers. The people who attend ska concerts don’t just dance. They skank. It’s a form of dancing that you just have to see; it’s too complicated to explain but it’s fun. It was at this concert that I first witnessed skanking and the look of the Rude Boy.
I was immediately drawn to the look of the Rude Boy. Male lovers of ska music, the Rude Boys wear pork-pie hats with ties and suits (see Walt Jabsco, if you’re still confused). The look of a Rude Boy is as distinct as skanking. You cannot confuse the dress/ dance of ska with any other genre of music. My ska fixation is mostly 1980s British. My favorite bands include The Specials, Madness, The English Beat (known simply as The Beat in England), Bad Manners, and General Public. It’s music you can’t help but dance to. Ska tends to have a unique horn section that has been used more recently by an artist like Lily Allen (see Alright, Still). British ska music has developed a following here, across the pond, but it is nowhere near as big as it is in the UK. It is
rare for these bands to tour the US. The Specials came in the 1980s and didn’t come back until 2010; it took them 30 years to return. I was one of the lucky ones able to see them at their 2010 show at Club Nokia. The Selecter hasn’t returned in over six years. The English Beat is really the only band that manages to tour (at least So Cal) about once a year, but most of the original bandmates aren’t involved. It isn’t uncommon to see some of the same people at different concerts. If you’re looking to try something different, find some ska music and give it a shot. Not that new ska people listened to in high school, but the original 1980’s British ska. Chances are you’ll want to dance. And maybe, just maybe, try skanking.
I’M A SOUL MAN
A REVIEW OF PATRICK STUMP’S SOUL PUNK MOLLY SHANNON CONTRIBUTOR
The album Soul Punk by Patrick Stump was recently released by Island Records. It was originally set to be released last February. However, Patrick wrote two versions of a song called “Spotlight,” one of which he later decided needed its own record. So, he based his EP Truant Wave around “Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia),” and started from scratch on a new album (Soul Punk), featuring “Spotlight (New Regrets).” Patrick was most popularly known as the front-man for the alternative/punk group Fall Out Boy (insert “emo” joke/guffaw here). But before you do any judging due to context, hold the fuck up. Since the band has been on hiatus since 2009, Patrick took advantage of the break by working solo, with material that wouldn’t suit Fall Out Boy’s style. As a mat-
12
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
ter of fact, the album is surprisingly unique from the sound of Fall Out Boy. There isn’t just a single genre that can categorize the album on its own. Pop? Funk? Electro? Who knows... Soul Punk is exactly what it sounds like, sort of. I feel as though Patrick coined the phrase “soul punk” as an attempt to create a new genre. Upbeat and techno with flavors of soul, electronic, disco, and R&B, this album emits a neo-80s vibe, infused with a similarity to artists like Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and Prince. Synthesizers, drums, and bass fill the gaps to make the retro sound. Some impressive musical tidbits: he wrote/produced/performed everything on the album almost entirely on his own, played over 15 different instruments for the album, and wrote all the lyr-
ics/composed all of the music. Fortunately, his experimental work did yield a beguiling product. The anthemic “This City” belongs in a flash-mob. It will make you scream with pride for your hometown, even if your hometown is/was shit. Plus, it features a cameo from the amazing Lupe Fiasco! On “Spotlight (New Regrets)” Patrick will reel you in instantly with his words: “Oh nostalgia, I don’t need you anymore.” And although “Greed” can greedily make use of one-too-many instruments at times, it relaxes by the end. What I am saying is that you should pop in Soul Punk to escape to a place that will leave you breathless. There are some insane beats that will leave your mind drained! So music snobs: I challenge you with Soul Punk!
Comedians or Musicians, I could hardly differentiate as the four members of Karl? spoke candidly about their jobs as students by day, and musical masterminds by night. One thing’s for certain, the diverse foursome may not really take themselves too seriously, but their music speaks volumes when meshing talent, age, experience, and diversity in order to create one incredible melodic effect. Lead singer and violinist Rebecca Lyn is no amateur to the stage. Leading the group with a vocal range similar to that of an 80s musical goddess, her violin helps produce an eerie, yet sentimental undertone to the thrashing guitar by her side. Lead guitarist Daniel Chavez not only provides stimulating guitar rhythms that help supplement his female counterpart, he too provides vocals during particular songs, some which are sung in different languages. Bassist Nic Gonzales and drummer Mike Malinowski remain stationary in comparison to their rambunctious singing partners, yet they are equally significant during the bands tendency to commit to fast-paced introductions. Ultimately, the talent of each of these individuals blends equally upon the stage, and as a unit, they emit songs that are short, yet equally tough on impact. So why Karl?? The answer, although fictitious, was explained by Chavez as the name of the first man he ever met when he was born; a man named Karl with one arm. The rest of the band mates laughed as if they had heard this answer before, or that they were just used to the ridiculous sarcasm of their lead guitarist. Why they feel they mesh as a group is simple. “Because we’re all nerds,” explained Chavez, and with an interjection from Gonzales, who claims it’s because they all share and wear each other’s underwear. When asked the single most important question in music, what sort of message they try to evoke to their audience overall, the group’s answer further reiterated their ability to act as comedians rather then scholastically trained musicians. “We try and make people feel good, sexually or non-sexually,” followed by Lyn who explained that, “we try and make music that people can fuck to.” If that last comment doesn’t illustrate a clear enough picture of just how interesting this group can be, I don’t know what can. The rest seems to speak for itself. Karl? will be playing November 2nd at DiPiazzas along side Thy Squid, Beth Page Black, and Twin Pines.
!!"#$%"&$#
4%1!6&0(1.&(,7&-';"7#1."&&&&&&= 0(1$."&#)"&%#-.&(2&#)"&%#(.03 4)((%"&2.(+&5&/(%%*6!"&"7'*78%9
!"#$%&'(&#)"&#*+"&,-./ 60&!"(&/(.#18-!&:&;*74"7#&4)-;"<
O
the top salesman at his brokerage firm. Hedgefund. Stocks. Charts. As a side note, he finds Encino Man offensive.
h no! Halloween has gone horribly awry. The first stop on your trickor-treat route was the home of Dr. Spaceman, and you and your friends have been tricked (not treated) into his closet. His time closet! You are falling through the very fabric of time and space, and through the fabric of his clothes! What are you wearing?! If you’re dressed like the Joker (from The Dark Knight), go to page 2. If you’re dressed like a slutty cat, go to page 3. If you’re dressed like a cat from Cats (the musical), go to page 4. If you’re dressed like slutty Muammar Gaddafi, go fuck yourself. PAGE 2 You and your friends Sasha and Bartleby fall into a river in the dark of night. You splish, splash and have a little fun before saving Bartleby’s life as he nearly drowns. You and Sasha drag his sorry butt to shore and tell him to quit being such an asshole. After all that playful water fun, you realize that your Joker makeup has washed off. Now you’re just a poorly-dressed, purple-suited weirdo. You hear the clip clop of horses galloping towards you. If you run into the woods to hide from whatever is approaching, go to page 5. If you wait to meet the horsemen, go to page 10. If you jump back into the river, go to page 12. PAGE 3 You land in a lush jungle, alone except for the mosquitos the size of your head that have surounded you! You have a particularly large head. You become frightened. Big mistake—mosquitos can smell fear. If you fend them off with a tree branch, go to page 7. If you scream, go to page 8. If you lie still in the fetal postion, you’re as good as dead.
PAGE 10 Here come the Founding Fathers (two of them!) riding to the first Continental Congress! Oh boy! History in motion! You recognize Benjamin Franklin and John Adams (your faves). You reach out to shake Ben’s hand, but something about him seems funny (not “Haha” funny, you Joker). “Admiration is the daughter of ignorance,” says Franklin. “Now, to feast upon your blood!” Oh, there it is. You realize that the funny thing you suspected earlier is his vampirism. Franklin and Adams grab Bartleby and Sasha respectively. You quickly snatch a musket from their horsedrawn carriage. You’ve got one musket ball to shoot. Which friend do you love more? Which founding father do you like less? If you shoot Benjamin Franklin, saving Bartleby, go to page 13. If you shoot John Adams, saving Sasha go to page 13.
*!!1%#.-#"'&60&>-%+*7"&8-87*". bearded man sleeping. It’s Rip Van Winkle! From the story! If you all sleep with him (not like that, silly), go to page 6. If you don’t sleep with him, go to page 10. PAGE 6 You wake up 3000 years later (you lazy bum)! You can’t live that long, so you’re dead.
PAGE 4 You go back in time three days and realize you have to go through jury duty again. Shit.
PAGE 7 Your abnormaly large head causes you to lose your balance as you swing the branch around and fall to the ground. If you, I don’t know, thought with that big head of yours, you wouldn’t be dead right now.
PAGE 5 In the woods, you stumble upon an old,
PAGE 8 You let out a shriek of whore-or (you slutty
cat, you). Your sexy screams alert the local Male Caveman Committee on Cavewomen’s Rights. They rush to your aid, clubbing the monsterquitos a new asshole to death. One of the hairy, handsome cavemen, now sweaty and breathing heavily after saving your life, meets your gaze. “Oog, oog, oog,” he says, giving you the oogly eyes. “Me want snoo snoo!” If you choose to give him snoo snoo, go to page 9. If you decline snoo snoo, because it is your right as a woman, go to page 11. PAGE 9 You’re love making is so good that it transports you back to the present, along with your caveman lover, Krug. Krug adapts well to life in 2011, and soon he becomes
PAGE 11 The other cavemen judge Krug, the snoo snoo demanding caveman, for succumbing to his baser urges, forgetting the progressive ideals the local MCCoCR is based upon. He is exiled! You are praised for your feminine power and raised up as queen of the cavepeople! Long live the Slutty Cat Queen (cat sound here)! PAGE 12 You, Bartleby, and Sasha wait for the horse to pass as you relax in the cool water. Bartleby drowns. You never forgive yourself. It sure was fun though. The horsemen pass by anonymously. But wait! Here comes another thing. Two figures approach afloat on a raft: one is big and black, the other is a straw-hatted young boy. “Ho there,” they say, offending you deeply. After a swift apology, you are all killed by a waterfall. PAGE 13 Your musket ball does nothing. They are vampires. Ben Franklin and John Adams feast on all your bloods. God bless America, and your soul.
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
13
!!"#!$%
JOIN THE GRUB CLUB
A WEBSITE THAT FOSTERS THE LOCAL FOOD COMMUNITY FOLASHADE ALFORD
T
UNION STAFFER
hese days it seems like people are really into food. With the foray of food trucks as commodities into our food culture it seems like people are not only being a bit more aware of what they’re eating but they’re pretty proud of it as well. Sure there are endless sites dedicated to “food porn,” but sometimes in the midst of the rubble you find something that catches your eye. This is Grubswag. As much as the word “swag” has overrun our vernacular as of late, it somehow works here. The site is dedicated to you. People post pictures of what they’re eating and it’s a food community of sorts. The site is just a few months old and slowly gaining momentum. I caught up with the site’s founder and CSULB Alum, Antonio Arellano, to see what makes food so swag.
and not necessarily food gawker quality stuff, but just pictures of what they ate last weekend or last night and I thought it would be cool to have a site where people took pictures of food before they ate it so we could have a centralized source of food to look at when we were hungry at work. I thought of it on my drive into work one day, then I just bought the domain name the next day.
Union Weekly: Why did you start Grubswag?
UW: So what is your goal with the website?
Antonio Arellano: My coworkers and I spend a lot of time looking at other people’s food pictures on their blogs and stuff
AA: I think to start, just getting other people involved in tweeting or posting their pics on the website so we get a good selec-
UW: As far as the name of the website and the Twitter, why that name in particular? AA: It was sort of a function of trying to find something catchy and something that wasn’t taken. I landed on Grubswag. I kind of liked the ring of it.
tion of people posting. Right now it’s just people I know. I think we could have a lot of potential if I get enough people and work with restaurants to have promotions on the site. That would be the most fun, like the first person to tweet a picture of an In-NOut double double and animal fries wins a $20 gift card. That would be my bigger goal, but right now I’m just trying to get the word out and get people posting. A lot of stuff that people post is stuff that they made. Them taking pride in dishes that they made even though it might not be the most gourmet or most put together dishes. UW: So you like to cook? What’s your favorite thing to make? AA: I used to be really into lasagna because that was my favorite dish. When I decided to start cooking I tried to make stuff I really liked so it would motivate me to cook. So I practiced lasagna a few times. Other than that, I really like pizza. I don’t usually make
the crust from scratch. I can buy it or roll it out, but being able to top it with vegetables and meat is something I do pretty often. I also grew up with ninja turtles. Now that I can choose what I can eat, I eat pizza as much as possible. UW: What do you think could set you apart? AA: I think what could set me apart would be promotions or contests. I don’t want it to be a gimmick. I just want it to be a fun website or Twitter to follow. That and the ability to track how many pictures you’ve posted and how many likes you have; that would be a fun thing to brag about. Like people who eat fast food and snacks I guess. I’m just filtering it by what I like to see and hoping other people are okay with that. Turn your swag on and support this CSULB alum. You can tweet your food @grubswag or check out the site Grubswag.com.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT WANTS TO RECRUIT YOU JGL’S COLLABORATIVE PRODUCTION COMPANY IS ALL ABOUT MAKING THINGS TOGETHER SARA HATAKEYAMA CONTRIBUTOR
A few Mondays ago was Hitrecord. org’s Fall Formal. “What’s Hitrecord.org?” you might be wondering. Well let me tell you, it’s the amazeballs Joseph GordonLevitt’s collaborative production company. Anyone can join and contribute videos, art, music, poems and tiny stories. It’s a collaborative effort so you might find your poem put to music and turned into a song, and the next thing you know, someone made an animated music video for it. If you go to Hitrecord.org you can see the spectacular things that people all over the world have created, together. Levitt himself has contributed greatly, check out Morgan M. Morgansen’s Date With Destiny and Morgan & Destiny’s Eleventeeth Date: The Zeppelin Zoo and I promise it won’t disappoint. It’s featured on the website’s new book/DVD/CD “RECollection: Vol-
14
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
ume 1,” which I highly recommend. I first heard about hitRECord last year at USC when Mr. Levitt went on a college tour to talk about his endeavor. I have to admit, I was a JGL groupie and just wanted to see the handsome man in person. And let me say that there are TONS of girls going to these things for the same reason, and he’s well aware of that. But then sometimes, on occasion, girls like myself, are converted to admiring him for his talent and passion for creation rather than that handsome face of his. But let’s talk about Fall Formal! It was a spectacular, spectacular event at the Orpheum Theater in Los Angeles Monday, October 10, 2011. Let me tell you that I was highly under dressed as people poured into the theater in formal attire, mostly grown up prom outfits, but less slutty. One thing
that makes hitRECord events different from others is that they encourage video recording and picture taking. They want you to record anything and everything and then post it on their site. There were truly memorable moments to record throughout the evening with surprise guests including Anne Hathaway, Sia, Gary Oldman, and the always fabulous Neil Patrick Harris. And one of the best parts about the event is that it’s been recorded to watch and rerecord for your pleasure at Hitrecord.org. It’s an amazing thing this Regular Joe has created, and I think it’s something worth checking out. “RECollection: Volume 1” and “The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories” are definitely things to check out at “the Record Store.” Visit Hitrecord.org to watch, listen, and browse, and prepare to be amazed.
UNION WEEKLY
31 OCTOBER 2011
15
HARD
EASY
CONTRIBUTOR
CAROL ASHER
OXYMORON FAT CATS
EASY
HARD
CONTRIBUTOR
BRIAN WANGENHEIM
OPERATION PANDA WORLD DOMINATION
UNION STAFFER
FOX
!!"#$%
Disclaimer:
This page is satire, you stupid jerk. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Maybe CSUO (CSU Of the Ocean. A university I just invented); I’m in charge of admissions. Email me at octogirl. grun@gmail.com to inquire .
!"#$%&'()'*++$&',-
5"6789:'2;<"=&>'?,+<:'@-,,
HD1B'I2/A'F2J'D..
B&87'D++E'F8;<'">'FG;<G"6
BY SAMBA BADGER
BY DONALD GROVER Hello everybody. It is your old pal Donald Grover. I know we just met, but I feel like we can be pals. I took time away from my busy schedule, rapping about bitches of various ethnicities and Nintendo, to talk about a new trend sweeping New York. It is this thing called “dead ass.” Is it something that you eat? Does it smell? Is it potent witches’ brew ejaculating on your face? I do not know this. So, as your loveable and huggable blue monster, I took to the streets to find out what is cracking with “dead ass.” I feel like this came out like a disaster, thus we should consider 9/11-ing this whole idea.
-Soccer Momz
”
“
I don’t know why but I think of a tree. Like a dead ass tree.
“
In my day we didn’t have dead butts. We couldn’t afford um.
“
Coma butt I presume. Please don’t bother me I’m a very busy man.
”
-Blue Eyes Brown Dragon
”
-Prescott Delano Rutherfordton III
-Ballchinius N. Furb
”
You know, I used to hate the thought of getting anywhere close to a third-world country. Their rat-infested roads with prostitutes on every corner had no appeal to me. Pair that with a lack of clean water and other basic resources, ignorance, and their hate of American football, and you’ll begin to understand some of my very sensible reasoning. Fuck those places. That’s where things such as Bin Laden and Ghaddafi belong. Wait, are they things or people? I can’t remember right now. But, anyway, visiting third-world countries was not in my bucket list. This despise for all things third-world started changing in the beginning of this year, when, much to my surprise, I became friends with Lucas, an illegal immigrant I met on campus. I had no idea he was illegal at first, and I didn’t know what to think when he finally told me his little secret. But that’s besides the point (he was deported to Cuba a couple months ago anyway). Lucas opened up my mind to the beautiful things one can experience in the shitty corners of the world. However, the single moment that changed my opinion of thirdworld countries once and for all came during one of my visits to Lucas’ English class. You see, he wasn’t the best English speaker, and was therefore put in an ESL class to improve his language skills. As you must have imagined, everyone else in the class
was foreign. I was sitting in the back, quietly enjoying the multitude of accents as students engaged in casual discussion. The class’ daily conversation exercise started when the professor asked what she called The Question of the Day: “What do people in your country do for a living?” Lucas, outspoken as he was, was the first to raise his hand and narrate some bullshit third-world story. “Professor, you know, in my country nobody finishes college because they can’t afford not to work. They have many mouths to feed by the time they are 17, and pursuing an education simply isn’t an option. Since they have no formal qualifications, they work in simple industries: construction, painting houses, plumbing, grave-digging, car-fixing, you know. Hand jobs.” I was astonished. The third-world country proletariat gives hand jobs for a living. As if that wasn’t enough to convince me to move somewhere shitty, Lucas’ classmate Abdul stood up and continued where Lucas had left off: “Professor, that is perfectly right—it is really sad, but my fellow countrymen have no option but to work in the hand-job industry. Nothing but hand-jobs! Really hard work, lifting and moving things all day, non-stop.” I don’t know where Abdul’s mind had been, but to me it sounded like perfection. High supply of handjobs. I was sold. America makes no sense to me anymore. In fact, this is most likely the last thing I will ever write in English. I am off to Nigeria next week. Hand jobs, here I come.
*1A*BC
KL"$M>&'+$;N'8'O8<:'7&87:'#"+&>:' 58>#"6'/>867"P
Students spontaneously grouped near the PE buildings Monday morning, reportedly to watch an Asian-American student “practicing” karate. Murmurs among the crowd consisted of quips such as, “Oh, come on, like he’s not a double black belt already. Puhlease,” or “I bet his last name is Lee, just like Bruce Lee.” It is. His name is Josh Lee, a third year Bio Chem major, but last name really has nothing to do with karate skill level, ever. When questioned, Lee responded, “My bike got stolen from me last month, so I thought I’d learn some basic selfdefense to be more prepared.” A student leaving the crowd replied, “Yeah, I’m suuure.” “Kung POW” page KRT
DUM P!
C!CJL21C'D50ACB'/L'DA*D1' AQ0BC1Q'B2*1R'SDJDQC
DUM P!
“
I just think you’ve been sitting for hours and hours. Which means your butt’s dead but you’re still alive. Your butt is a zombie. It craves brains. So you’re always sitting on people’s heads with your pants and underwear around your ankles clinching and unclinching your butt muscles, but your anus doesn’t have teeth and the skull is way too tough to crack with your soft anal flaps.
'./01*213425
Go ahead and dump!