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CHELSEA STEVENS LEO PORTUGAL
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
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Managing Editor Managing Editor
COLLEEN BROWN
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Opinions Editor
ALISON ERNST
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STEVE BESSETTE
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News Director
Entertainment Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA LEO PORTUGAL VINCENT CHAVEZ
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Culture Editor
CHRIS FABELA
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OCTOPUS GIRL
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Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
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Contributors: CHRISTINA MOTT NICHOLE DANIELS ROSE FEDUK JASMINE GAGNIER SARA HATAKEYAMA MIKE TAYLOR RICHARD CARDENAS CHRISTIAN PALLARCA WESLEY VERNER GABRIEL MOURA
CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CHRIS FABELA
Illustration
COMICS EDITOR
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Literature Editor
LIL’ OSCAR
LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR
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Music Editor
Turtle-in-Chief
CHEL ME ABOUT IT
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Editor-in-Chief
DONNIE BESSOM ALBERT MATA PARKER CHALMERS TAMAR ALTEBARMAKIAN TANYA PAZ MELISSA CASAS JAMES G. MORALES SHEREEN DUDAR MOLLY SHANNON JON GARCIA
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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he last few weeks have brought me to a number of conversations concerning the dismal levels of motivation in college students. I mean, the extent of collegiate laziness is nothing new, but it seems to have multiplied by hundreds in the past couple of years. Our generation has already been pinned as a sad sack of idle, greedy bastards that will either finally cause the apocalypse or succumb to Apple as Big Brother with headphones surgically implanted in our ears at birth. I can’t say I completely agree or disagree with this statement, but frankly, the evidence doesn’t look good. I don’t really trust anyone in our age to work hard and achieve things for themselves when the average sevenyear-old has a better cell phone than I do and most of us can’t get through a paper without using Wikipedia. I’m not blaming everyone else on this; I love being spoiled just as much as the rest of us do. I would crumble into irreparable despair if I were forced to live without internet for a week, and I honestly don’t know how people in the outback of Kansas deal with it on a daily basis. The United States are simply addicted to getting what we want, and we want it NOW, even if it will shorten the life expectancy of our planet by about a billion years or so. However, when you shift through the daunting mountain of Wiis, iPhones, and rotten, whiney children, it’s undeniable that something kind of impressive is going on in some of
America’s youth. Technology may spoil the living shit out of us, but the converse is that we aren’t forced to waste our lives in textile mills anymore, or whatever the modern equivalent would be. Modern living allows us to spend less time gathering the information and to spend more time actually doing something with it. The result, for college students at least, is that we are finally able to dedicate all of our focus and energy to our passions, and some amazing things are coming out of it. I spend a lot of my time surrounded by musicians, who are already known for being a little too devoted to their craft, but the level of adherence and talent coming out of schools these days is truly astounding. Even here at the Union, where each member of our staff has their own entire life going on around them, we bust our asses every week to put out a newspaper that we can be proud of and love as if it were our own kid. Whether it’s music, writing, film, physics, education, or even accounting, there are people our age all around us that are passionate, awe-inspiring individuals that might actually do something with themselves some day. Maybe they’ll save us all. The special feature this week has to do with a group of people all over the country that have decided to do something with themselves lately. The Occupy movement has taken over everywhere you look, more rapidly and more entirely than I think anyone could have expected. So quickly, in fact,
Want to contribute to the
(and play Arkham City with us?)
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that a lot of people don’t even know what it’s about. All I know is that I feel like I should be blasting Hendrix and smoking doobies in the backyard with the teenaged version of my dad. Even here, in our unassuming little city, Occupy Long Beach and Occupy CSULB are powering on as two westcoast branches of the movement. Last week, I was bombarded with emails of photos, articles, and sentiments from student Occupiers throughout Los Angeles. We were also contacted by Donnie Bessom, Long Beach State activist and liaison of the Occupy CSULB movement. Donnie informed us that the Daily 49er was speaking out less-than-favorably about Occupy and its philosophies, and wished to publish a response to the 49er’s ignorance. The Union does not take a collective yea or nay towards the Occupy movement, but in the spirit of student voice, bashing the 49er, and nostalgic “Fuck the Man” Union attitude, I was more than happy to oblige his request. “Occupy This,” featured on page 8, spotlights the response by Donnie as well as another by his fellow CSULB Occupier. If you have any responses to Donnie, myself, or the Occupy movement in general, please feel free to email me at chelsea.union@gmail.com. Have a power-to-the-peopleful week everyone, and thanks for reading.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Come to our Open Meetings Every Friday at 2pm in the Union Office
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SEND ANY COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS TO CHELSEA.UNION@GMAIL.COM UNION WEEKLY
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SPARE CHANGE?
WHY YOU SHOULD TIP THE BUM OUTSIDE OF THE MARKET DAVID CASARRUBIAS CONTRIBUTOR
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ast Tuesday, a 74-year-old man was brutally murdered in the sporting goods aisle at a local Lakewood Walmart by a 46-year-old homeless man. The murder weapon was an aluminum baseball bat taken right off of the shelf inside the store. The incident allegedly took place after the homeless man asked for some spare change and was denied by the victim. A witness identified that the homeless man proceeded to follow the victim and kill him for not spreading the wealth. After brutally beating the 74-year-old, the homeless man casually walked out of the store and waited outside for law enforcement officials to detain him. The incident was caught on camera and appeared on several newscasts that night. Incidentally, this past August, the very same Walmart was featured on the nightly news after an “incoherent man” flourished a knife at some McDonald’s employees, which is located inside the store. The homeless man was detained and taken to the Sherriff Department for questioning. Here’s the beef I have with this story.
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DANIEL KRAMER CONTRIBUTOR
The first thing that comes to mind is, this is Walmart were talking about, the “Super Bowl” of shopping. There had to be other customers around to witness and hopefully deter the murder. In fact, as the news reports reveal, there indeed were others present during the incident. One witness told KCAL-TV, “It was very scary. Very, very scary, to hear the noise of someone’s life being taken away. Noises like moans and groans... you could hear when he hit him. It was awful, so awful. And then I went around the corner and peeked... and he just walked out like it was nothing.” Are you freaking kidding me lady? Brutal beating on aisle four! Instead of debating whether you should get a yoga mat or playing on your smartphone as you hear the beating of human being, drop what you’re doing and pick up a bat, a pool stick, a fishing rod for all that matters and go beat up the vagrant. Is this what society is becoming? A bunch of prissy princesses and wimps unwilling to stand up for what is morally right and for those that cannot defend themselves? Instead of “peek-
ing,” bum-rush that hobo and take him down! I’m not trying to condone violence in anyway but what I am saying is that attempting to do something to save a human being’s live is more helpful than saying to the interviewer how “scary” it was to “hear” the beating. Anyway, I’ll leave this cowardly lioness alone and pick a bone with Walmart instead. One would think that after a previous incident of a vagrant brandishing a knife inside the store, security measures would be increased to prevent this from happening again. The human skull can take a beating before giving in, and I find it hard to believe that someone monitoring the surveillance cameras couldn’t have reacted in time to do something, anything. Come on Walmart, I’ve seen your security guards crack down on teenage girls for stealing mascara and tampons, you’re telling me you didn’t notice that an old man was being beat on one of your 50,000 cameras? So what has this taught us as a society? First, that, we are all too scared to react to violence especially when it is not aimed at us. We
are too busy checking our Facebook statuses to help Gramps out of a sticky situation. Second, that supercenters like Walmart don’t care about our safety, and instead, care more about our money. Rather than hiring more loss prevention guards, they should focus on those manning the cameras to take care of their customers also. And third, that, stores should have stricter policies preventing solicitation outside of their doors for any cause or reason. As demonstrated here, the 74-year-old man simply denied sparing his change because maybe he needed the fifty cents in his pocket more than the bum did. I know I hate unwanted vagabonds outside of the store when I go shopping, and I also know that I tend to wave them off uncaringly at times. What I don’t know, and what appears to be a rude awakening, is that the next time I don’t drop my change into the coffee cup of a homeless guy outside the market, I can wind up in an imagined batting cage on aisle four next to Grandpa, serving as batting practice for the bum without one heartless soul caring to step in and possibly save my life.
Okay, I know some of you out there might be saying something like, “Oh, I was spanked as a kid what’s the big deal?” but I’m here to tell you the line between spanking and abuse is incontrovertibly crossed by the parents of this girl. Before you go comparing this to your own experiences, you should also know that Hillary has ataxic cerebral palsy; she is a disabled teenager getting overpowered by a grown man. Look, I was hit as a kid every now and then and I understand that most of us were, but watching this made my gut churn like someone punched me right in the stomach. How can a father bring himself to cause such physical pain to his own daughter? It is not okay to be this inhumane to a
child; it doesn’t matter if he or she is six or 16—beating a child out of rage until they are bruised and in tears does nothing but make them hate you more and fuck them up emotionally. Children can’t defend themselves. They can’t do anything to help their situation. You are the parents, lead by fucking example. If what happened to Hillary (apparently on a regular basis) has happened to you, then I’m truly sorry. I can’t really even convey in words how sorry I feel. Help anybody you think is being abused, and most importantly help yourself if you are suffering from it too. [Editor’s Note: Visit http://www.americanhumane.org/children/ to learn about the signs of child abuse and how to report it.]
THE FALL OF THE GAVEL EVERYONE’S A HYPOCRITE, NOT JUST YOU JON GARCIA CONTRIBUTOR
I’m sitting at my computer on Wednesday night kind of just trying to find any excuse I can to put off reading a pretty depressing book about a dysfunctional family who lost a daughter to suicide—YouTube is generally a great place to watch happy things so I went there. I stumbled upon a video that has gone viral in the last few days, and no, it has nothing to do with Kim Kardashian’s public divorce to that one NBA player whose name is escaping me at the moment. No, the content of this video warrants infinitely more attention than nudes of Kim (hard to believe I know). William Adams is a judge in Aransas County, Texas, and he deals with family cases like domestic violence and the like.
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His 16-year-old daughter, Hillary Adams, decided to turn on a camera and document footage of her father exercising the moral code that lets him help other families day in and day out. Adams and his wife had just discovered that their daughter had used her computer to download music and video games, something they deem as immoral and warranting a bit of discipline since it is technically illegal. So, the parents, yes, both of them, get out their belts and start whipping their daughter and yelling at her to turn over on her stomach and take it. The dad is yelling at her, dropping F-bombs like she is a dog and doesn’t stop lashing her even though she is crying in pain. This goes on for a solid five minutes.
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OCCUPY UTOPIA THE CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME GABRIEL MOURA CONTRIBUTOR
Perhaps of all the movements and protests in my lifetime, the long-overdue Occupy Wall Street movement, along with its many local offspring, is the one whose ideals I most identify with. Although the protesters are often scolded for having no tangible goals, I think that, in broad terms, their search for equality and justice is obvious. And frankly, quite feasible. All they need is to persuade and recruit some of the very people they oppose. Once CEOs and corporal magnates, politicians and lobbyists, impresarios and industrialists are convinced that the 99% have no bad intentions or malice, things should begin to gradually change because these powerful men and women are the puppet masters of the nation and, by extent, of the world. And if they have a shred of pulsating human heart in them, they too will adhere to our equalitarian agenda. So perhaps the noble goal of equality is a bit farfetched in the short-run because it would require a thorough reconfiguration of our socio-political-legal system, which involves a great number of people spread out across America and around
the globe. And dare I say it: I don’t think change on that level is possible if we look exclusively at our ultimate purpose. I myself don’t think that outspoken sign holders and picketers stationed in Zuccotti Park or wherever confer much confidence. I love their intents but second-guess their means. Hence, I propose the question: how do we persuade the puppet masters and reboot their mindsets? I think it’s a matter of attitude. When I look at the Occupy protesters, I can’t help but to think that they are expecting a magical solution, a divine intervention of sorts. My father would call this a “Transferal of Responsibility,” which happens when someone wants something made, altered, or corrected, but doesn’t want to do it themselves. So they attempt to transfer responsibility and burden someone else instead. Maybe that’s what the protesters are doing: a cop-out. Yes, there’s corporal greed in the wealthiest 1% of the population. But, generally speaking, there’s also individual apathetic inertia in the remainder 99%. I’m talking about the idealistically naïve belief
that things might change overnight, which is counterproductive as it creates high hopes and, worse, idleness. Going out in the streets in the Occupy (your city name here) has been as effective as it could have been because we have tallied the numbers, computed the data, and discovered that the people are mad as hell. And that’s great but that’s not enough. In my humble opinion on how to construct a more utopian and just society, I would say leave the streets and return to your homes and communities, workplaces and hangouts, and practice good. It doesn’t have to be volunteer work, and it mustn’t take place on Thanksgiving Day only. This has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with you, your family, your friends, and mankind. Doing the right thing should be something you are passionate about and do selflessly and routinely to help others. For instance, I love teaching. I will teach anything I know to anybody who asks me at almost any time in any place that is safe to do so. I’m not a politician, so unfortunately I can’t instill change from Capitol Hill, but I also love
writing, so I wrote this article hoping to touch the right people in the right places and promote the right change. Waiting is not solving. Picketing is questionable. Each and every person must practice good and do charity just for the sake of doing it. The only reward most of the time might just be some personal satisfaction, and it should be enough. But occasionally karma comes around and helps you when you need it most. Trust me on that one. But to be completely fair and give Caesar which is Caesar’s, the protesters and picketers voicing their feelings in cities across the United States are not inert. Far from it. Their guess on how to implant change is as good as mine. Those men and women have sweat tears and cried blood for a remarkable cause, and that’s admirable. I commend them. But the active ones doing this are 1% of Americans or less. So we have 1% of the angriest fighting 1% of the wealthiest with 98% of the population pretending it’s just another Wednesday. And they need a reboot in demeanor as much as the 1% on top of the pyramid. Just remember that.
LEIS ON LIFE
RETURN YOUR SHOPPING CARTS, FOLKS COREY LEIS UNION STAFFER
I recently talked with a student about an essay she was working on. Her professor wanted her to write a paper explaining her philosophy on life. What was her motto? What influenced her decisions on a regular basis? I thought this was an interesting prompt, and I started to think about my own philosophy. What beliefs do I hold that influence the decisions I make? It didn’t take me long to come to a conclusion, for I’ve been living by a philosophy for a number of years now, and I’m reminded of it every time I make a trip to the grocery story. My philosophy: the world would be a significantly better place if everyone simply returned their shopping carts to the designated collection stalls. Naturally, this philosophy seems like a ridiculous idea, but let me explain. When one makes a trip to the grocery store, or any store that may require one to use a shopping cart, effort is necessary to find, use, and then discard a shopping cart. Our natural inclination as human beings is to expend as little energy as possible when carrying out quotidian actions such as making full use of a shopping cart. If you, the reader, had to estimate how much effort you expend, on average, when fetching a shopping cart versus how much effort you expend when discarding a shopping cart, which would be the higher amount?
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CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR
Most likely, it takes you less effort to cast off your shopping cart than it does to pull it from the jumbled clusterfuck of a mess you’re doubtlessly going to find it in. In terms of physics—and let it be known that I’m no physicist!—yes, it probably will take less effort to push your cart away than it will to pull it from wherever you find it regardless of the situation. But things can be easier! Imagine how much more enjoyable your shopping experience would be if every cart not in use were neatly stationed in its appointed corral. Imagine how much easier your day might be without having to wrestle with entangled carts every time you want to pick up some six DiGiorno pizzas, two twelvers of Pabst, and a bag of kitty litter. I started thinking about this idea as an actual “philosophy” a few semesters ago when I began working on a showcase for CSULB’s Theatre Arts department. I was cast as Austin in John Patrick Shanley’s The Big Funk (for those of you familiar with the play: yes, I did get naked, and yes, the entire 2010 Theatre Arts department did see my penis). Essentially, this play is about Austin and his attempt to make the world a better place through “do[ing] a good turn daily.” In the play, Austin avows, “[t]here’s a lot of things wrong with the world…[a]nd listen, if everybody…at-
tempted to accomplish something everyday, fix something they saw was a problem everyday, I think we could really turn the world around” (292). Shopping carts arranged in a shambles at the supermarket is one problem I see regularly, and I’ve taken Austin’s appeal to heart. Yes, this is a call to action, as my articles, admittedly, are wont to contain; but it’s not just a simple plea for common courtesy (that’s part of it though). And I’m not trying to sound like a didactic Helen Hunt movie or a do-gooder Boy Scout (never mind that I’m a card-carrying Eagle Scout). The truth of the matter is that if more people are willing to return their shopping carts neatly to their stalls, they’re more likely to be willing to expend a little more energy to do other things. Like being better people, for example. And yes, I firmly believe this. Austin declares, “[we] can’t be lazy,” and that’s what it comes down to. Becoming better people, and by extension, creating a better world in which to live depends on our willingness to expend just a little more energy. UNION WEEKLY
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A FIRSTHAND LOOK AT CSULB SPEED DATING BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO SCARED TO TRY ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
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efore the event, I was a mess. I had yet to meet anyone who had actually participated in speed dating. I admit that I was apprehensive to put myself out there. It’s like making myself vulnerable to the world, exposing and drawing attention to the fact that I don’t currently have a boyfriend. I always worry that people think something is wrong with me when I’m not someone’s other half. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I would rather be single and content than be in a relationship that isn’t working. Being single isn’t so bad. You have more time to study and maintain a 4.0. I had absolutely no idea what to expect, both in terms of the structure of the event and what kind of guys would be present. My intention was to go into the event with no expectations, essentially open-minded. I tried my best not to get psyched up only to be let down or go into the event expecting it to be lame, only to have it be good and get it played up in my head. As the single ambassador from the Union Weekly, I am here to report to you exactly what speed dating is and how I navigated the system. Speed dating is more fun than you’d expect. At the end of night, I wished that it would keep going. It is way scarier to think about speed dating than the actual act of speed dating. Everything is low-key and I never felt uncomfortable once. You just have to embrace the fact that you only have about three minutes to talk to a stranger that you just met and explain your life story in the short time frame, allowing the other person enough time as well. The room was set up with tables making a giant square formation. Girls sat on the inside and guys rotated on the outside. Every three minutes (or so they claimed) they would announce the end of that date and the guy would move down one to his left. During or after the date, you could “Yâ€? or “Nâ€? if you were interested and if they were polite. It was a little DZNZDUG EHFDXVH \RX DOPRVW KDG WR Ă€OO LW RXW right in front of the guy. You don’t want to make anyone feel bad and you almost don’t want to circle “Yâ€? when they aren’t interested in you. I tried to wait until after the guy left, but then I had a different guy in front of me and we’d start talking and soon I would be four guys behind on my evaluations. Each guy that I “datedâ€? was unique. There were a lot of Engineering majors, a few Computer Science majors, a couple Film, and a small assortment of others. But close to 90% of the male population were Engineering major. I asked one of them about it and he responded saying that there are no girls in the Engineering Department. [Editor’s Note: To any female readers that are seeking love, try the Engineering Department for tons of really sweet and smart guys.] Every guy that I had the opportunity
to chat with was very kind and funny. There wasn’t a single guy that I didn’t enjoy talking to. Every one had his charms and stories. I had around 50 good conversations with guys from our school that I would never have the opportunity to talk to otherwise. Each mini-date lasted between two and three minutes (some felt shorter/longer than others), but overall I enjoyed myself. The same questions were asked at pretty much every meeting, “What major/year are you? How old are you? What type of music do you listen to?â€? There were pretty basic generic TXHVWLRQV %XW LI \RX FRXOG Ă€QG VRPHRQH LQ common with the other person, it made the “dateâ€? better. I found that I shared a love of ska music with one of the guys, who happened to be in a ska band. Dates in which FRPPRQ JURXQG LV UHDFKHG Ă \ E\ OLWHUDOO\ (not literally-literally). In the dates where we FRXOGQ¡W Ă€QG VRPHWKLQJ LQ FRPPRQ LW ZDV D OLWWOH PRUH GLIĂ€FXOW 7KHUH ZHUH VHYHUDO LQ which common ground was discovered, only for it to be time to switch. During the dates I tried to make each guy as comfortable as possible. I feel like it’s harder for them since they have to move every three minutes and it’s just hard to be a dude. I would try to start the conversation asking for their name and giving them my name, and then ask about their major and why they chose it. I’m always curious as to why some people want to be Engineers or pursue degrees in Computer Science. While I was “datingâ€? I realized how much CSULB is truly a commuter-school. Most of the guys I spoke with weren’t involved with any clubs or anything on campus. It made me a little sad to think about how different their college experience must be. I absolutely love the little Union Weekly family I have and I can’t imagine my life without it. So these guys were men on a PLVVLRQ WR Ă€QG D ORYH FRQQHFWLRQ I guess at some point I should mention that I won Queen of Speed Dating. I don’t know how I did it. I was shaking when they announced my name and in shock when they asked me to come forward and accept a giant Queen playing card. If it had been my goal to win, I don’t think I could have. When I arrived (late after my night class) to the event, my intention was to relax, have fun, and maybe meet someone. I think going in with no expectations worked. I wasn’t disappointed, I was more impressed with my fellow students. I had no idea that they would be so many great and funny guys. I like small talk, very much in the way WKDW , UHDOO\ OLNH Ă€UVW GDWHV DQG WKH EHJLQQLQJ of relationships. It’s appealing to me to meet somebody and not know anything about them really. You have all these burning questions to ask and even more are prompted when they start answering questions. It’s intriguing to
Max, the CSULB Speed Dating King, and me, the Speed Dating Queen me. I’m naturally a curious person and I like hearing what others have to say about their life experiences. Speed dating (which I may be addicted to now, I can’t say yet) thrives on people being open, honest, and relaxed when meeting new people. To love speed dating, you have to enjoy small talk. The funniest part to me was when someone told me that my nose moves a little when I talk, but apparently it’s cute. That got me, I thought it was funny. And I had another guy tell me that I look like “that girl from Super 8.Âľ 'XULQJ ERWK LQVWDQFHV , ZDV Ă DWWHUHG ,W¡V always nice to hear compliments, especially when you aren’t expecting it. Unfortunately, I don’t know how many or ZKLFK JX\V VSHFLĂ€FDOO\ DVNHG IRU P\ HPDLO address (with CSULB, you are given the email addresses of your daters, if you both are “interestedâ€?). I am somewhat curious to see who was interested though. During the date, my focus was more on making the conversation interesting and not allowing any awkward silences than trying to get guys to like me. One of the perks of being Speed Dat-
ing Queen is the opportunity to appear on KBeach Radio’s show, “Sex at the Beachâ€?. Max (the Speed Dating King) and I went on the show with Mel and Matt. We were able to talk about our experiences Speed Dating and even some unusual experiences with online dating. You can check out the podcast on Kbeach’s website, kbeach. RUJ ,W¡V GHĂ€QLWHO\ ZRUWK D OLVWHQ :H DOVR gave some of our speed dating tips. I’ve included a few of my own. If you’re on the fence about participating, do it. Next semester when it comes around, sign up. What do you have to lose? And honestly, think about it. Every single person at the event was different and fun and unique. Every guy that I talked to seemed great and genuine. There was diversity too, in terms of styles and ethnicities and majors (for the most part). It is so hard to meet someone on our campus and when you do happen to think someone is cute/attractive; it seems too awkward to approach them. Don’t bash it until you try it. And try it! You’d be surprised how much fun you’ll have. UNION WEEKLY
7 NOVEMBER 2011
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ENTERTAINMENT
INDONESIA’S AFFLICTIONS
A FEW FILMS FROM CULTURE AND MENTAL ILLNESS IN INDONESIA MOLLY SHANNON CONTRIBUTOR
Stumbling into the Hall of Science on Wednesday night, November 2nd, I honestly had no idea what I was going to be watching. The event was practically non-existent, as few students had even gotten word of the occasion. All I knew was that there would be a screening of a documentary related to Indonesia. Well… it was a little more complex than that. The event consisted of a six-part film series screening and discussions, over a time span of two nights. Six short films, two short nights. It was hosted by anthropologist/ director/producer/Indonesian cultureenthusiast Robert Lemelson, who would later lead a discussion about the films at the end. The films that I saw on Day Two (Family Victim and Bird Dancer) revolved around the general topic of neuropsychiatric disorders in Java and Bali, Indonesia. Lemelson made the decision to not screen the third film, Kites and Monsters, so that we might have more time for questions at the end, and therefore a more meaningful discussion. Family Victim followed the Javanese, anti-socially diagnosed Estu Wardhani and how he and his family have been affected by his illness. Parallel to Family Victim,
Bird Dancer focused on Gusti Ayu, a young Balinese woman who suffered from Tourette syndrome, and how the condition affected her relationships with others. The interesting thing about the Afflictions films was that they contained footage ranging from a period of time over 12 years, so you feel like you’re watching these people grow (literally and figuratively). There are a variety of different themes involved with these project, and topics touched upon that have not been addressed here in America very often: cultural beliefs, mental illness in a developing world, the role of traditional medicine opposed to psychiatric interpretations, the desire to be “normal,” family and distant relationships, and rejection versus acceptance by society. Because Lemelson studied different Indonesian dialects for years, the majority of the films are in subtitles so at times it’s hard to keep up, but overall the films pose interesting questions. Both stories closed with followups on the main “characters” (Estu and Gusti), showing that each were continuing to improve their quality of life and were primarily striving for a goal; for Gusti it was success, and for Estu it was redemption.
I NEVA HOOD WHAT THEY SAID BRIT-COM ANUVAHOOD IS A TOUGHIE TO GET THROUGH STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Before you even attempt to watch this, you have to know there are no subtitles on the DVD, so trying to understand the wallto-wall blitzkrieg of urban Brit Ebonics at times feels like the listening portion of your Some Language 101A final, and at others looks like you’re a non-Spanish speaker watching something on Telemundo, where you can see that a character looks mad, so they’re obviously angry, but you wouldn’t be able to repeat back what they just said if you tried. Even with the difficulty to understand, you can still get the basic story from the small passages of understandable speech and character interaction. Basically this white guy living in the hood Kenneth, who prefers “K” ‘cause it’s cooler, tries to be big and bad, but of course nobody takes him seriously. That’s really it. Possibly B-plots concerning his rap aspirations and either taking care of/reconnecting with his cousin’s baby/baby mama (couldn’t understand that scene much) go nowhere. I wouldn’t doubt that a lot of this was improvised because at times the dialogue seemed very directionless and the actor’s looked almost like they were stuttering on purpose to grasp for a goofy line. That could be totally off, but either way, it was pretty aggravating to watch. Some of the
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supporting characters, like K’s main man T.J., had very particular exaggerated quirks that looked forced for immediate comedic gratification. This guy specifically jumped and flung his arms all over the place like Will Smith in the Fresh Prince intro. That was sped-up and from the early ’90s; this was normal speed and made recently. It doesn’t work. K’s got his rag-tag street-rat buddies always near, but no relationships are given any time or development, so there’s no sustenance for any sprouting care. Maybe it deserves some slack since it’s supposed to be light, but that’s a cop out. Comedies are allowed to be hilarious and at the same time have characters with normal human emotions and relationships. These are foolish caricatures that walk around in a world with on-the-nose score (rap for the cool guys, plucky melodies for the boring suburbanites, etc.) and nothing for you to cling too other than the ridiculousness they soak themselves in. Without anything worth caring about, Anuvahood closes without leaving any meat on your bones. There’s nothing to hold on to afterward, a fact worsened by the deus-ex-machina resolution. It’s not that funny, 50% of the dialogue is unintelligible, and, well, it’s just dumb.
SHIT WE LISTENIN’ TO
MUSIC
THE LOW DOWN ON WHAT’S BLASTIN’ THROUGH OUR HEADPHONES
Autolux Transit Transit
LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
I
always find myself coming back to Autolux. If you ever ask me what I’ve been listening to lately, Autolux will always be somewhere in the mix. Their music features the softly sung vocals of bassist Eugene Goreshter and drummer Carla Azar which pair beautifully with the band’s always cool instrumentation. Guitars whizz and whir and rock in ways I can’t even wrap my head around. They paint brain pictures of starry nights and headlight-lit roads. Their second album, Transit Transit, came around in August 2010, six years after the release of their premiere album, Future Perfect (which was perfect), to finally, and thankfully, inject more Autolux into this world. Transit Transit opens with a dreamy, Sigur Ros-esque track and transitions into Autolux’s unique brand of noise pop, most easily compared to the sounds of Blonde Redhead. Their lyrics are often dark, yet remain beautiful. The track “Audience No. 2” is a perfect example of this beautiful darkness when Goreshter says, “I would drop myself through black holes to end up at your door.” I don’t know the science behind being dropped into a black hole, but it definitely sounds poetic. The album’s best is saved for last with the final track, the chilling “The Science of Imaginary Solutions.” It’s a gem that shines brightly with the polish of Azar’s lovely voice telling you, “It’s all over now.”
Juiceboxxx R U There God?? Itz Me Juiceboxxx MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR
I bought this album in 2007, one of the many spur of the moment purchases I made with the money I received from financial aid, and loved it. Honestly. I think this is the album I’ve listened to more than anything, and still I come back to it whenever I feel like dancing or raging. It’s eight songs, kind of short for an album I guess. I paid 10 bucks for it, but it is, dare I say it, my deserted island album. No. God. I don’t mean that. I hate myself now because I know I don’t mean it. If I were alone on an island, I’d probably kill myself. What keeps me coming back to R U There God?? Itz Me Juiceboxxx is how ridiculous it is. I want to say it’s the humorous lyrics, the crazy awesome beats, or the overall energy of the album, to be slightly profound or give you something memorable about the whole thing, but I know deep down that the only reason I enjoy it is because it’s fucking ridiculous. A skinny white guy from Milwaukee, I guess, rapping about delivering “rhymes better than Pizza Hutt” or about having the look of “Steve Urkel, but rock like Stefan.” His voice is sort of raspy and sounds as if Kevin’s friend from The Wonder Years decided to start rapping about everything he thought was funny in middle school. What’s not to love? Just watch the video for “Thunder Jam #3” or “Thunder Jam #2” and you’ll be sold. Standout tracks: The whole album. Every song has something new to offer with each listen.
She and Him Vol. 1
ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
Like most people, I was amazed with Zooey Deschanel’s voice when I first saw the movie Elf. I was even more amazed and excited when I heard that she paired with M. Ward to form the band She & Him. Three albums later, they are still going strong. My favorite She & Him album though, would have to be the first: Volume One. Deschanel writes most of their songs, but also covers certain songs that accompany her own tunes well. Both music videos for “Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?” are adorable and yes, there are two. She & Him recorded a second version that ties into the movie (500) Days of Summer. The absolute best song on the whole album is “Black Hole.” When I saw She & Him in concert, they started the set with that song and it set the mood for the whole show. Zooey’s voice was just as good live as on the CD. M. Ward stood towards the back of the stage and impressed the audience with his incredible guitar skills. The pair work well together and have gained a big following throughout the four years they’ve been making music together. I still find them to be one of the more creative bands of our time. You can check out their new Christmas album if you’re not convinced. She & Him is different from the majority of the current artists on the music scene. I like the old sound and feel that few artists can accurately capture. If you are looking for something new, but with a twist, I definitely recommend She & Him for your aural pleasure.
Real Estate Days
JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
The new Real Estate Album Days may be (in my opinion) one of the top five releases of the year. I had been jonesing for some new music from the New Jersey quartet since their 2009 self-titled debut. And while I felt a fond appreciation for Real Estate’s fantastic debut, I couldn’t avoid the fact that the album wasn’t a cohesive collection. The album felt disjointed, due to the fact that it was a collection of random recordings, rather than songs written specifically for an album. With Days, that is not the case at all. The album as a whole fits like a glove, with its tracklist in perfect order, and the collection as a whole meshing perfectly. No song feels out of place, and each one transitions into the other without missing a beat. The songs individually are perfect, with no throwaway tracks. The first three set the pace, with “Easy,” laying down the beach vibe and setting up the lyrical theme of the album, the beauty of the trivialities of life, the love of the little things. Pondering sunny days and car rides, Days describes a summer that should never be forgotten. The track “It’s Real,” may be the best afternoon drive song ever written, while the track “Green Aisles” contains my favorite line throughout the entire album: “All those wasted miles, all those aimless drives, through green aisles, our careless lifestyle, it was not so unwise.” I cannot recommend this album enough, and with the chill of winter about to set in, the beautiful atmosphere created by this album will have you reminiscing about warmer days. UNION WEEKLY
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LITERATURE
Illustrations
SHERLOCK HOLMES
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. SURE LOCKS INTO THIS ROLE ALEXANDER BORG
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UNION STAFFER
THE RUM DIARY WHEN JOHNNY DEPP BROKE THE BOOK TAMAR ALTEBARMAKIAN
UNION STAFFER
efore beginning the bold undertaking of reading the four novels and 56 short stories detailing the exploits of Sherlock Holmes, I pictured Holmes as a dignified 40something in a deerstalker cap who used his expansive educational background to nobly rid the streets of London of scum and villainy. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle crafted a bare-knuckle boxer, experimental chemist, violin virtuoso, cocaine addict, and eccentric into the greatest detective in all of fiction. In order to become the detective of his caliber, Sherlock Holmes carefully studied certain disciplines (i.e. chemistry, botany, anatomy) and completely avoided others (i.e. literature, philosophy, astronomy, politics) that would only hinder him. The dichotomy created by his absolute mastery and complete ignorance makes Holmes an interesting character in addition to setting up hilarious moments. When Holmes’ trusted friend and compatriot Watson informs Holmes that the Earth revolves around the sun, he is initially surprised but then decides to forget the revelation due to its lack of practical application. Holmes’ character is further expanded by his eccentricities. When undertaking a case worthy of his ability, Holmes is energized to solve the case through any means, no matter how unorthodox or dangerous. However, in between cases, he is described as lethargic and
CHRISTINA MOTT
CONTRIBUTOR
insufferable and often uses cocaine to provide his mind with the same rush that problems give him. As for his demeanor, Holmes is magnificently witty and a bit full of himself—a trait he is very aware of. Holmes’ unorthodox manner and approach to cases made him the character Robert Downey Jr. was born to play in Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes. Downey’s rapidfire delivery, comedic dexterity, and haggard expressiveness are the perfect tools to portray Holmes in all of his outlandish brilliance. While Holmes was left largely unchanged, Dr. Watson was reinterpreted. In the film, Watson (Jude Law) is much more of a reluctant assistant to Holmes, opting to spend his time courting his fiancée. In the novels, Watson is in constant awe of his friend’s ability of deduction and is always ready, willing, and able to aid Holmes in whatever adventure arises. In regards to adventure, both Ritchie’s film adaptation and Doyle’s original works are full of peril and thrill. While the film favors visceral set-piece action sequences, the novels are fraught with climactic chases and combat. If you saw the film version of Sherlock Holmes and desire more perplexing mysteries, exciting action, and more of literature’s greatest detective, I strongly encourage you to read the novels, beginning with A Study in Scarlet. Read Watson’s account of meeting Holmes and their first adventure, and you’ll be hooked.
[Caution: spoilers abound!] Johnny Depp and rum. Since the introduction of Captain Jack Sparrow, they go together like Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. Unfortunately, the “Where has the rum gone?” gag doesn’t quite carry over to the recent film adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s semi-autobiographical book, The Rum Diary. Set in the 1950s, the book follows journalist Paul Kemp as he signs on with a newspaper that is on its way out. The whole book is rife with a sense of hopelessness and futility. The characters are going nowhere, the newspaper is going nowhere, even the setting, the island of Puerto Rico, is helpless as it’s cultivated by American businessmen for vacationing. Rum is the only constant in this world. It’s what keeps the characters moving. It’s what moves the plot forward. Where the rum goes, the characters go. It is also the only aspect of the book that is fully realized in the film. The first half of the film plays out like an ill-fated romance. Kemp (Depp) and Chenault (Amber Heard) fall in love at first sight and their scenes are filled with the sparkly piano music that characterizes true love. The love story is sweetened, to the degree of teen romance, in a way that doesn’t gel with the drunk, lust-hazed characters in the book. In general, the dark tone of the book is undercut in the film by
the hard push towards comedy. This makes for a very disjointed film where the tone jumps from Requiem for a Dream to Pineapple Express. The most glaring example is the lack of a any meaningful transition between a scene where the female lead is the victim of implied rape and a scene where the male leads get high and share a cliché, “far-out” hallucination. Halfway through the film, someone decides to give Depp’s character a sense of purpose. He decides to write cutting-edge articles that expose the corruption rampant in the islands. He also decides, out of the blue, to stick it to the perennial Man, what he calls the “bastards of the world.” But who are these men and why the sudden urge to stick it to them? Strangest of all is the film’s ending. Imagine an ocean vista with Johnny Depp floating away on a boat as a plain, white font fills the screen and basically reads, “…and they lived happily ever after.” This is what the film leaves you with. A sentiment that doesn’t really ring true in relation to Thompson’s work. And before you say that this is just the rambling of a jaded youth, as I walked out of the cinema, an older man, probably as old as Thompson would be if he were still alive, pulled me aside and said, “That was a strange ending, wasn’t it?” I nodded dumbly. It was just strange throughout.
LITERATURE
GAME OF THRONES
A TRIUMPHANT RISE TO THE THRONE IN ALL REGARDS WESLEY VERNER
UNION STAFFER, BOOKWORM
George R. R. Martin is a god. Okay, that’s hyperbole. All I mean is that it takes a seriously good writer to have a TV show made out of his/her book, and have it be good. Not just good, freaking great. A show like Dresden Files flopped on television. It didn’t just belly-flop into the pool of electronic media, it missed the water entirely. Game of Thrones misses the water too, but it’s because gravity was just like, “Aw that’s ok. You get a pass.” And don’t just take my word for it. Go read A Song of Ice and Fire (the series). If that’s too much, I understand. I mean, I’m right in the middle of it, and I’m saying “God damn, is it ever going to end?” If this is the case, at least read A Game of Thrones (the book), or torrent the HBO Series, or shoot for the damn moon and do both. You will not regret it. For those of you who have not found God (I meeeaaan, G.O.T.), here’s the deal: Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell, is surprised by his
Illustration
JAMES G. MORALES CONTRIBUTOR
old friend, King Robert Baratheon. King Robert comes to Winterfell from King’s Landing (These are cities by the way. Almost anytime they mention a word or words that you haven’t heard before, odds are good that it’s just a place they haven’t talked about yet). For some weird, hardly-explained-until-theend reason, the Hand of the King died, and he wants Ned (Eddard’s nickname, just go with it) to be the new one. There is a saying that is mentioned a lot: “The King eats and the Hand takes the shit.” Well butter my biscuit! Where do I sign up? That sounds like my dream job! Ned plans to refuse, but after long deliberation (two minutes), he accepts. So they pack everyone up and get the fuck outta Dodge. Er, Winterfell. So what is it that makes this book so awesome? Well for starters, it has Tyrion Lannister, the most awesome person ever, who is played by Peter Dinklage in the show, one of two little people in all of showbiz.
The other is the dwarf guy from Pirates of the Caribbean. Peter Dinklage is awesome because he’s Peter-goddamn-Dinklage (look him up, he’s played little people all over the silver screen). He’s the smarmiest, most sarcastic character in the book, and I love him for it. Other than that, the book is just plain good. Martin can write in a way that will make you hate a character, but then he switches to that character’s perspective and then you start thinking, “Oh shit. Now I feel bad about calling you a [insert negative adjective] [insert unique color] [insert household object] molester.” However, this does not carry over very well to the show, as it is very difficult to portray internal dialogue using a visual medium. In other words, short of having the characters walk around proclaiming “I feel happy. I am thinking about kittens” like robots that have had a few key wires cut, you cannot tell the
audience how the characters feel. Glossing over this point, the show is very, very, VERY loyal to the book. So loyal, in fact, that I picked up on quite a few things that I had not realized before. For example, the fact that one of the characters is gay. This is not a problem for me, for I have many gay friends, as well as gay relatives. But the scene where these two dudes are shaving each other took me by complete and utter surprise. Long story short (and it is a very long story), Game of Thrones is probably one of the best books I have ever read. It’s also one of the best TV shows I’ve ever watched. Email me at bookwormcsulb@gmail.com for requests, recommendations, complaints (fuck off), and adoration. *** If you play musical chairs with toilets and laxatives, could that be called a “game of thrones?”
EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE THE FILM ADAPTATION OF SAFRAN FOER’S MAGNIFICENT NOVEL IS ONE TO WATCH FOR LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
Jonathan Safran Foer’s 2005 novel, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, is the story of nine-year-old Oskar Schell, a young, clever boy, who carries around many eccentricities in his sweet little soul (just take a look at the business cards he carries around which list things like “amateur astronomer” and collector of “butterflies that died natural deaths”). Set in New York, Oskar eventually meets the tragedy of 9/11 face-to-face and has to cope with profound loss. Foer is able to tell Oskar’s story in a way that is not only deeply affecting, but also in a way that is brilliantly uplifting and healing. The film adaptation of the novel is set to come to theaters in January 2012. Featuring Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock, and directed by Stephen Daldry (Billy Elliot, The Hours), it has been placed in some very capable hands. Watching the trailer, the cinematography looks crisp as the viewer accompanies the young boy on his journey across the five boroughs of New York, searching for the lock that
Illustration
JAMES G. MORALES CONTRIBUTOR
fits a mysterious key his father left behind. Because nearly the entire book is focused on the boy, much rests on the shoulders of the film’s 13-year-old star, Thomas Horn. Though this will be Horn’s first film role, he was actually on television once before as a contestant on Jeopardy! Kids Week. Horn was the 2010 champion, in fact. That definitely scores him some major cred in my book. And not only is he the champion of a game show (where the prize was getting to
shake Alex Trebek’s hand and also receiving over $30,000), this kid can also speaks four different languages. With his smarts, and a certain litte-nerdy-boy charm, Horn just might be the perfect fit to play the young and eccentric Oskar Schell. And if the enjoyable film adaptation of Foer’s first novel (Everything is Illuminated) is any indication, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close looks like it could be a real great movie. UNION WEEKLY
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A RUSH OF SUGAR TO THE HEAD BREAKFAST MEMORIES STRAIGHT FROM THE BOWL TO YOUR BRAIN LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
I
sit in front of a bowl of Frosted Flakes and feel a great sense of safety and comfort. I just can’t put my finger on why exactly I feel this way. Is it the sweet, crispy, delicious flakes interacting perfectly with the cool milk? It could be, but I feel like there’s a bigger, deeper reason…Let me put on my thoughtful face and think about things. Hmmm…[insert swirly flashback effect and harp music here] I’m a little lad, not even old enough for kindy-garten. My granny’s is where I spend most of my days, chillin’ out, maxin’
out, relaxin’ all cool. I get dropped off early in the morning because Ma and Pa have to get to work, dontcha know? Anyways, I’m laying in bed with Granny, but it’s already six o’clock in the morning and cartoons are on and I’m ready, ready, ready to get out of bed. But I can’t; there are snakes slithering all along my abuelita’s bedroom floor (she told me so). I hear my Tia Marisela rustling about in the hallway. “Mari, Mari, get me out of here!” I cry out. Mari swoops in, carries me out of the room, sits me down in front of the TV, and pours me a bowl of
Frosted Flakes. The milk splashes into the flakes, and… It all makes sense now. While my grandma would often GR-R-RATE! on my young psyche, a bowl of Frosted Flakes meant that I was safe from torment for at least a little while (the snakes were a lie). Some things have changed since. Now, my grandma is nice, and I’m more mature. You can find evidence of my maturity in my bowl of Frosted Flakes today, which contains slices of bananas (which are good for you).
learned as a child very quickly is that there is a very obvious difference between Honey Nut Cheerios and regular Cheerios. One is delicious, the other is complete garbage. Getting a mouthful of regular Cheerios thinking they’re Honey Nut Cheerios is an experience comparable to someone sitting on your face. It is that unpleasant. I learned far too late that while my brother
was growing up he hurriedly shoveled mounds of sugar into his cereal bowl while our mother’s back was turned. Alas, I had to eat spoonfuls of soggy sadness with just milk to wash it down. Thankfully, those mornings are gone, but I can say now with complete confidence that the surest way to ruin a child’s day is to tell them, “Sorry, all we have are Cheerios. Prepare to die.”
Tube. You will not only hope it’s morning already (so that you can eat your cereal), but also be faced with the friendliest polar bear you’ll ever meet. In one of these glorious Snow Flakes commercials, a group of kids runs towards the amiable Mr. Bear and asks him for a cereal that is sweet and tasty. His response: “Of course! Here’s the magic of sugar!” A white beam of cavityinducing glucose flies from the tip of his index finger to the bowl of cereal he is holding; however, that isn’t enough for the
hungry little humans. “We want more!” they shout. “More sugar?” Mr. Bear asks rhetorically. “You got it!” The advert ends with a fun-filled, cereal-eating party, which, I am sure, we’d all love to be a part of. Fortunately enough, the solution to this dilemma is right in front of our noses: bring the sugar back. Who cares about fiber? Why bother with vitamins? And I heard protein is bad for you anyway. Just give me my Snow Flakes back. Be sure to make it double-sugar.
goddamn peas or I’ll kick your ass,” he used to say. I soon learned to resent food and the punishment that went along with not eating what I was supposed to. Lucky Charms were different. I had the power to pick out all the grain pieces and eat them first, leaving me with a jackpot of brightly colored marshmallow bits. These last sugary bites always hurt; the concentration of sweetness would eat away at my
tooth’s enamel and send a sharp pinch to the root. It was a good hurt though because I was the one pulling the strings, asserting my autonomy. I later found out that this behavior was a mild form of masochism and, maybe I was being an asshole for not trying new foods. Now I eat my Lucky Charms and my peas like a welladjusted adult.
ROSE FEDUK UNION STAFFER
Growing up, my mom made sure that we ate right. And by right, I mean that she made sure that the food she bought resembled cardboard. Breakfast cereals were no exception. The only sugary cereal we ever had in our house was Fruit Loops, and even then they were to be eaten after dinner in place of dessert. What did we get instead? Cheerios. Something you should have
GABE FERREIRA MANAGING EDITOR
I feel bad for every cereal-eater in today. Yeah, your daily breakfast food keeps getting healthier as the years go by, but it also tastes more like plastic every time I make the mistake of eating a spoonful of those crunchy devils. Where did the sugar go? Cereal companies need to go back in time and learn from Nestle Snow Flakes, the cereal I grew up eating. If you don’t know what I am talking about, search for “Nestle Snow Flakes Commercial” on You-
VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
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I was a particularly picky and controlling little weirdo as a child. I liked my chicken fingers from Jack in the Box, my instant chocolate milk prepared from an Ovaltine tin, and my eggs better have been omelet style or, so help me God, I was going to scream. My grandmas thought this behavior was cute, but my dad wasn’t so enthralled. He had a way of persuading me to expand my persnickety pallet. “Eat your UNION WEEKLY
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HARD
CHILD THROWING IN AMERICAN CINEMA
EASY
UNION STAFFER
ROSE FEDUK
HARD
SNAKING IT NUTTY
EASY
CONTRIBUTOR
SAMBA BADGER
CONTRIBUTOR
RICHARD CÁRDENAS JR.
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Disclaimer:
This page is satire, you stupid jerk. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. I need money. I think I’m going to start selling my body. I really need this donut-looking bike bell. Email me at octogirl. grun@gmail.com for sex.
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I want to be perfectly clear about one thing: I’m not crazy. Yes, I live with my mom and I sleep in a racecar bed and I have been collecting my spit inside a Gatorade bottle since I was fifteen (I’m 45), but I’m not crazy. The world is going to end on 1111-11. Scary right? I’m scared. Been scared since I found out. If I remember correctly, it was a Monday. Not this last Monday. Monday like six months ago. It was, if I had to put a number, 2:30 in the afternoon. I know it was after lunch because I remember what I had, chicken nuggets (30 piece) and a tall glass of chocolate milk. I was wearing a turtleneck sweater (purple) and my favorite pants (khaki). Was I in my car? Yeah, I was in my car. I was in my car, parked in the McDonalds parking lot, facing the street. I like watching cars as they speed past. It relaxes me and helps me regulate my chewing, especially with McDonalds. I get so excited that I’m eating McDonalds that I forget to chew and I start choking. My dashboard is covered in half eaten nuggets, burgers, donuts, and skittles that I’ve upchucked. I don’t know why that happens. So I was sitting there chewing when I saw it. I think it was a sign from god or some type of crazy, mind-blowing coincidence, but I totally pissed on myself. Hard. Like I could feel the pee pushing against my zipper, rivers of piss flowing down my legs, a pool of gold liquid collecting by my feet. I sat there staring at the weapon of my
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BY MOM demise. I know I’m kind of rambling, but I like telling stories that put you in the scene. I want you to feel like you were standing next to me peeing on yourself hard, too. So there’s this thing playing on the computer screen belonging to this kid sitting at a bus stop. A video. I was parked kind of close to the bus stop so I could catch bits of the video when he would look up to see if the bus was coming. The video starts off kind of happy. This girl is getting married, I guess. Hugs and words. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could see that they were saying things. So there’s like a blond lady standing naked and then, I think, this blonde lady is staring at the sky and her hands are shooting out lasers. I guess there’s like another planet crashing into Earth. Then she’s naked. I don’t know why she’s naked, but she’s freaking out. Then stuff starts slowing down. That’s when I knew it was real. The world is ending on 11-11-11. Are you ready?
Hello again. It’s me, your Mama. I know that you’re busy with school and I wanted you to have a little snack that could help you relax a bit while you’re finishing up your tests and all that. Just know that I send you this recipe with love and it would mean the world if you made it. Here are the ingredients that you’ll need to make this dish: ½ cup of flour 1 cup of milk 2 eggs 1 pound of sugar A 2-liter of Coke Red food coloring. A little tub of frosting Directions: 1. Preheat the oven to 350° F. In a large bowl, dump all the ingredients together and mix. Don’t worry about cracking the eggs or removing the shells, when you heat the eggs at that temperature the shells tend to melt and add a little flavor to the dish. Once you got that mixed well, drop like six drops of the red food coloring into the bowl. 2. Get a cake pan and grease the sides so that it doesn’t burn the cake. Once you have it all nice and greased, pour the contents of the bowl into the pan. 3. Put the bowl in the trash. 4. Put the pan in the oven and let it sit there for 45 minutes. Don’t forget to set the timer.
5. Drink the Coke. I know how much you like Coke. 6. Put the little tub of frosting into the microwave so that you can get it all nice and melty for spreading. 7. Take the cake out of the oven and place it on the counter to cool for 15 minutes. Once that’s over with, finish it off by frosting it as much as you like. Make it look as cute or as cool as you want. Now that you have that cake, all nicely frosted, toss it on the ground and step on it. That’s what you did to my heart when you left for college.
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It was an amazing sight to behold. On this day, three men went beyond the human capacity and perform a feat akin to that of the Gods on Olympus. That is what was on display today, a competition mong Gods. Gods with a plan. A plan to grab the nation by the heart with their dicks and do the impossible, bowl a perfect game with their dicks. I stood in awe at their prowess, and revelled in the majesty of this mighty trident. “No Penis is an Island” page PNeS
41IUFG'VBFD'WI1S/DX'JEB'E'.*H3FY In a recent interview with Time magazine, actor Kevin Sydney, who played “Morph” in the hit series “X-Men: The Animated Series” gave a glimpse into life on the set, as well as some insight into character development. “It was cool to be part of the X-Men for a total of two weeks, doing all those impersonations and meeting the legends in the biz like James [Howlett] and Scott [Summers], but some people were just a terror to work with,” noted Sydney, reffering to his co-star Anna Marie. “She was a bitch. Now that the professor [Charles Xavier] is dead, I can say what I want. Most of her lines were shitty ad-libs. ‘You look nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs?’ Who says that?”