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CHEL ME ABOUT IT LETTER FROM THE EDITOR CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
chelsea.union@gmail.com
LEO PORTUGAL
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
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Managing Editor Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN
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COLLEEN BROWN
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Senior Editor
Opinions Editor
ALISON ERNST
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STEVE BESSETTE
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News Director
Entertainment Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor
LEO PORTUGAL Literature Editor
VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
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CHRIS FABELA
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OCTOPUS GIRL
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Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA
Art Director, Cover Design
CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor
CHRIS FABELA
On-Campus Distribution
STEVE BESSETTE
Advertising Executive
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FOLASHADE ALFORD folashade.union@gmail.com PR Specialist
Contributors: MARIHA LOWE BRIAN WANGENHEIM ALBERT MATA JAMES G. MORALES WES VERNER KEVIN NG LAUREN HANNIGAN CHRISTY BONHAM INGRID ROSALES NATHAN CRUZ
LAURA KAISER NICHOLE DANIELS MOLLY SHANNON BEN NOVOTNY TALIA BEN-ORA ERICA MEDRANO TANYA PAZ JOSH STEINBERG ROSE FEDUK AMY HOWDYSHELL
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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he closest I ever came to student government, besides running this tyranny of a newspaper, of course, was becoming a Conflict Manager in the fifth grade. At Fremont Elementary, Conflict Managers were like the Vince and Jules of the playground. Minus the brain-soaked cars and Bible quotes and half-dead Uma Thurmans. I guess we weren’t really like Vince and Jules at all, but if my ten-year-old self had known any better, I would have run around the school every day screaming “English motherfucker, do you speak it?!” Anyhow, Conflict Managers were actually a pretty big deal at Fremont. You had to fill out an application for the position like a big girl job, and if selected, you got to patrol the schoolyard at recess and lunchtime with a wooden clipboard clutched to your bright orange vest. We were trained in the most advanced techniques of kindness and compassion. Once on the job, we were first on the scene of any kerfuffle between students of all shapes and sizes. We taught them that instead of saying, “Your face smells like my dog’s butt,” it’s better to say, “I feel that your face smells like my dog’s butt.” Because of us, Fremont was a safer, friendlier place. My best friend and I cunningly decided to apply for the job after we found out that the two boys we liked were applying and were in need of partners. Each Conflict Manager got
JAMES G. MORALES UNION STAFFER
to choose a partner of the opposite sex, who spent three hours a week walking romantically through the concrete fields with them. Amanda and I schemed that if we got the job, we would request our two clueless lovers as our first-choice partners, seduce them with our prepubescent feminine charm, and they would be our boyfriends in a matter of days. Our plan worked better than we could have imagined. The Conflict Managers were announced a week later, and it turned out our entire circle of friends had been selected. The popular kids got to rule the school with some actual power to back us up. We could give pink slips to whomever we wanted, and send all the kids we didn’t like to the principal’s office, and we did it all while flirting with our sexy ten-yearold boyfriends. That was the life. Now that I’m in college and dealing with real-life bullies, I wish I had some morally sound Conflict Managers to take care of all my problems. Instead, Cal State Long Beach provides us with the less-impressive collegiate version: ASI student government. And not unlike my experience in Conflict Managers, it seems like ASI is just a big group of friends that happen to have landed in positions of power. Many of our elected officials are very close with each other, and the ASI Treasurer and Chief-of-Staff are currently in a relationship. When the school was reminded
by the Daily 49er last year of the hefty paychecks given to the top five positions in student government, which equals more than $20,000 in benefits and scholarships, many students began to question ASI’s role in our daily school-related lives. CSULB will have the chance to prove how much they do or don’t care about student government this week, as we vote to fill every position from student body president to department senators. Due to students wanting to make a difference in the current chaos surrounding Sacramento’s vindictive budget cuts to the CSU system, ASI has seen more candidates this semester than ever before. But will newcomer candidates be able to break through the group of experienced friends that have controlled ASI for years? To get to the bottom of the entire mess, Entertainment editor Steve Bessette decided to interview some key members of student government, and find out what really goes on in the bowels of ASI. Do they really make enough of a difference to deserve their excessive perks? Find out on page 8. As for me, I’m going to put on my orange vest and get back to my Oreos and Spongebob. Have a conflict-free week everyone, and thanks for reading. Ask Away!
Need something more fulfilling in life? About to end it all? Put the knife down and write for the Union instead! Email me at chelsea.union@gmail.com.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : chelsea.union@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY
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WHY PROTESTING MATTERS TAKE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN YOUR UNIVERSITY EDUCATION ALBERTO MATA
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CONTRIBUTOR
n light of the recent increases in state tuition and administrator’s salaries, CSULB students, along with thousands of students from across the state, marched on the state’s capital this past Monday. Many students skipped class (me included) not to enjoy the lovely California weather; rather, we all skipped class because we all understood the importance of protesting against corruption and standing up for what we believe in. After all, you can’t be neutral on a moving train. CSULB students boarded a bus Sunday evening around 10pm, and arrived in Sacramento around 6am. Many of us did not sleep because the conditions on the bus were cramped and were not sleeper friendly. Nevertheless, we began our day bright and earlier by making signs, drinking coffee, and talking amongst each other about the injustices occurring to our education system. Around 10am, thousands of students marched one mile towards the state capital chanting, “The students united, can never be divided,” and, “They say cut back, we say fight back!” The feeling of standing in solidarity with my fellow students as we marched is indescribable, because all sense of self was lost. We were not there as individuals; rather, we were there as one, representing not only the students who could not make it there that day, but also representing future students. What we were protesting against is more important than telling the story of what it was like to be there, or what happened. It is not a secret that the California University system is in dire straits while administrators are living like kings. The main reason why our university system is beginning to decay is because of the conservative agenda: to privatize education
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and increase administrator’s salaries. If you do not believe me, the proof is in the pudding my dear comrades. Chancellor Reed has been in power since 1998, and since then student tuition and fees have increased from $1,890 to a whopping $5,779 in 2011. For the first time in history, public education has basically ceased to be public. In other words, our University system now gets more than 50 percent of its revenue from student fees and tuition. While tuition increases, administrator’s salaries have increased as well. For example, in 1998 the average CSU President salary was $173,108. In 2011, average salaries jumped to $300,508! Furthermore, full-time faculty salaries have basically stagnated, only increasing to about $77,948 from $63,596 (it should also be noted that faculty members have not received raises since 2007/2008). The most appalling piece of data I have saved for last. Chancellor Reed’s salary in 1998 was $254,004 and has skyrocketed all the way up to $451,500 in 2011. This salary does not reflect the housing and auto allowance that Reed receives that is also paid by the tax payer. The privatization of our education system is well in line with the conservative agenda. While conservatives champion the privatization of everything, they sit back and collect salaries that are paid for by the tax payer. For some reason, conservatives believe that by privatizing the education system people will be able to afford education. And if people cannot afford to go to school it is because they do not work hard enough. If this were true, then student enrollment would increase because as we all know, students are hard workers. Many of us work and go to school. But the opposite has happened. CSULB has to turn away many
students because there is just not enough money to teach them. Also, many classes are being cut and entire majors are being put on the endangered species list. As the education system becomes more and more privatized, more and more students will not be able to afford school and our institutions will slowly starve to death. This is why we students at CSULB, with other students from both the CSU and UC systems, decided to stand up and protest in Sacramento. This was not an Occupy movement. It was a student-lead movement.
We students have had enough of the conservatives who run our institutions and the spineless democrats in Sacramento who have done nothing to stop cuts to our schools. It is time for all students, including our mute ASI Government who have said NOTHING about the tuition increases (you heartless jackals!), professors, and maintenance works to unite in order to stop these cuts before it is too late. That is why I call on all to strike this May 1st, so that we may put pressure on our government to listen to us. We have nothing to lose but our chains!
THROWING OUR VOTES AWAY FEELING POWERLESS IN A SYSTEM THAT NEEDS TO TAKE ACTION BEN NOVOTNY UNION STAFFER
Despite being a proud registered voter, I doubt I’ll vote in the upcoming ASI elections because student government can’t do shit. Sure they can do stuff to make sure students have a good time while they’re here, but when it comes to solving the problems the school has or making any significant change, student government has very little power. I know, because I have been in student government several times. I was elected student representative and ASB Treasurer in 4th grade, Newspaper Editor in 5th grade, and in the 8th grade the teacher of the ASB class thankfully let me be a part of ASB because my art class sucked. In all those positions I really didn’t do
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that much. I was only able to publish one school paper at the end of 5th grade because my elementary school didn’t have the funds for a working paper (it didn’t even look like a paper, it was just a bunch of word documents stapled together) and in the 8th grade I proposed this film festival (which had very low turnout), but that’s about all that I had accomplished in ASB. In my sophomore year of high school I seriously thought that I would run for junior class representative the following year, but then I changed my mind when I discovered that what the students in the high school ASB mostly did was create flyers for events. So I decided to do the theater arts class instead,
and I have never looked back in regret. In all my time in ASB, students couldn’t do anything significant. They couldn’t ban school uniforms, change the lunch menus, or even try to make lunch more affordable. The only time you’ll see anybody in public school student government making any significant change is when you’re watching TV, but never in real life. I know ASI has done some stuff in the past, like get rid of the plus/minus signs we see on our grades and create the student union. This is great and all, but can they do anything to stop rising tuition costs? No, they cannot. I know the ticket John and Jon plan on giving away 30% of their
salary to scholarships for students, but even if they did it wouldn’t make that much of a difference. The top ASI executives each get about $22,000 a year, so 30% of $44,000 would be just $13,200. I know this sounds like a lot of money, but when you divide it among the 20,000 or 30,000 plus students that need some form of financial aid, it’s really not all that much. Besides, how are they going to decide which students get their scholarships and which ones don’t? These are the kinds of things they need to think about. Until ASI can lower tuition costs, I doubt I’ll ever vote in ASI elections. Because I’ll just be throwing my vote away.
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STEAK AND BJ DAY IS CUMMING! MARCH 14TH IS VALENTINE’S DAY FOR THE DUDES AMY HOWDYSHELL CONTRIBUTOR
Yes, you read that correctly. March 14th, exactly one month after Valentine’s Day, marks the ultimate holiday for the male species: Steak and BJ day. In case you were wondering what this day is all about, the title is self-explanatory. Everyone knows about the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s, but does anyone really know about S&BJ Day? Since Hallmark hasn’t adopted this holiday yet, let me elaborate. Back in 2002, a radio show host on WFNX radio in New England named Tom Birdsey started this day to counteract the woman-centric Valentine’s Day (rumor has it, this was a follow-up to the less widely accepted Jalapeno Popper and Rim Job Day). It is a day where the loving and
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adoring girlfriend wants to reciprocate that amazing Valentine’s Day recently executed by her man. If I were a man, I would imagine that I would be jealous of the fact that this day is pretty much framed to a T for the chic. She simply has to perform two simple acts: cook a steak and play a symphony on the skin flute. On the other hand, the male is measured by how romantic and creative he is when planning the Valentine’s Day agenda. If you know any of the guys that I know, romantic and creative are way outside their comfort zone. Maybe for the benefit of all women, it would be better if Valentine’s Day came with a road map similar to S&BJ Day. Now, if this day interests you males out
there, I would make one simple suggestion: step up your Valentine’s A-Game. This doesn’t mean spending tons of money or buying cheesy stuffed animals from your local Vons, but get creative and show her that you really care. That way, when S&BJ day comes around, she will look back fondly on your efforts. She will want a way to reciprocate, thus she will reward you handsomely and everyone wins. Plus, if steaks and BJs are not on the standard menu, it will be an extra special day for you. Ladies, let’s look on the bright side. We get to learn about STEAK. As I am a vegetarian, picking, touching and cooking a slab of beef doesn’t do it for me like it does for my man. I have heard that
making a good steak is all about the cut. So I’m assuming my local butcher can lend some helpful advice in this area. For those of you that might need some assistance in the other department, I would recommend going to the Rubber Tree on 2nd St in Belmont Shore. It is a unique store for love birds such as yourselves, and they have all kinds of fun stuff to make the day even better, assuming your man is worthy. And what if your boyfriend sucks? Well then that is another topic entirely. Regardless of how you cut it, S&BJ Day can be advantageous to both parties because at the end of the day, practice makes perfect in regards to both talents that comprise S&BJ Day.
FOOLS RUSH IN
TO EVERYONE’S SURPRISE, SPEAKING LOUDER DOESN’T MAKE YOU RIGHT! TALIA BEN-ORA CONTRIBUTOR
Rush Limbaugh is well known for his outspoken no-bullshit personality displayed regularly on his self-titled radio show, The Rush Limbaugh Show. Although he takes full advantage of his first amendment rights and has built a career from it, his recent comments calling a Georgetown student a “slut” for three days straight has unleashed major retaliation against Limbaugh. Sandra Fluke, a third-year law student at Georgetown University, argued before Congress that her employer’s health plan should cover her birth control prescription. Limbaugh didn’t just insult Fluke for “having so much sex she can’t afford it,” but he even went as far to insult President Obama for making a personal phone call to Fluke to make sure she was faring alright following the verbal attack. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Obama called Fluke to “express his disappointment that she has been the subject of inappropriate
personal attacks and to thank her for exercising her rights as a citizen to speak out on an issue of public policy.” Limbaugh issued an apology, saying he didn’t mean for his insults toward Fluke to sound like a personal attack and admitted that, “My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.” Shortly after the incident, Limbaugh received an unknown package on his doorstep. The bomb squad was called to his house on Thursday, March 1st to investigate the package. “It would send chills up your spine if I were to tell you what the package actually contained,” said Limbaugh. Personally, I’ve grown accustomed to political talk show hosts running their mouths about a variety of issues, and, following a family member’s misguided one-sided opinion about same-sex
marriages last year, I made the choice to not bother listening to any of them. I could listen to Limbaugh create a slippery slope of arguments misleading thousands of people into believing things like how taking birth control (which, regardless of how much sex you have, is the same number of pills per year) equates to having “too much sex to afford.” Or, I can enjoy the sweet sounds of Aerosmith, Queen, and Journey. Hm, tough choice. However, if we were to spend the time listening to every conservative or liberal radio show host share their opinions (often in gradually louder and higher pitched tones) about political issues, one thing is for certain: we would see just how misguided these people are. It’s one thing to state your personal opinion about a matter, but quite another to use your vocal power to bad mouth someone who is simply trying to express their well-thought out and eloquently delivered opinions about
current issues. Talk shows should serve to inform the public and to introduce a multitude of facets of an issue. While this often goes hand-inhand with stating personal opinions, should those opinions be transformed into absolute truths? How many people listen to these radio hosts and immediately form one-sided opinions about an issue? The worst part is that often, the hosts neglect to include the other side of the argument. I might just be an English major, but even in my lit classes, I know that you have to include the opposition’s views to strengthen my arguments. It’s disheartening to know that people like Limbaugh use their power to speak to the masses and sway the public into wholeheartedly believing poorly articulated facts that are often fueled by hate-filled rants and biased opinions. I would think twice before tuning into NPR or KABC during rush hour. UNION WEEKLY
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THE HIDDEN GEMS OF CSULB MEMBERSHIP IN THESE PROGRAMS CAN MAKE YOU STAND OUT IN ANY ECONOMY ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
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al State Long Beach has some valuable programs you may not be aware of. The University Honors Program and Ethical Leadership class are both offerings at CSULB that I have had the opportunity to be a part of, and I am glad that I have had the chance. The Leadership Academy is something I came across recently. I joined online and it took all of five minutes. Best part of these programs? They are all free and they all would look fantastic on your resume. In this economy, anything you can do to stand out can really help you get that job.
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These programs also provide experiences that will help you once you get that job by giving you a means to develop and refine your skills. Each of these programs is unique, and you can be a part of them simultaneously. Their goals are to help students on their path to success and ensure success even after graduation. In short, check these hidden gems out, seek out more information if you’re curious, and become involved on your campus. This is your college experience and your time. You should make the most of it while you’re here.
The University Honors Program When I applied to the University Honors Program (UHP) the summer before my freshman year, I did not know what to expect. I was excited to get in, but I was also nervous because I had anticipated that the classes would be much more difficult. Thankfully, that was not the case. After my first Honors class, I learned that the class structure is different from that of other classes offered. All of the sessions are less lecture and more discussion-based, which does not necessarily mean that classes are more difficult or easier. It mostly means that you actually have to complete the reading prior to attending class and you have to talk. If you just want to sit in the back of the class and veg, this program may not be for you. Most students are not aware of the secret CSULB Honors courses that are only offered to students within the program. The UHP selects professors for its classes that are handpicked by students. Classes that have been offered in the past range from Business Ethics, Human Sexuality and Sex Education, Politics Through Culture, Comic Spirit, Nonverbal Communication: Interaction of Mind and Body, and Introduction to Oceanography. The UHP offers classes that meet GE and Capstone requirements, but are also fun and unique. These special classes have a maximum of 25 students, but they are usually around 15 to 20. It is so nice to be able to know your professor, have your professor know your name, and have your friends in your classes. Speaking of friends, the UHP allows you to interact with people from all sorts of majors. There are dozens of events offered to students each semester. The UHP
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holds movie nights in the Psych building, monthly beach clean-ups, and helpful workshop events. By going to these events, you meet new people and make friends that you’ll see again and again. You might run into someone from one of your classes or just strike up a conversation with someone new. During the Fall 2011 semester, I attended “Coffee with the King” where UHP students sat around at a conference table with President F. King Alexander
and were able to ask him questions over coffee and pastries. It is not something that everyone on campus can say that they had the chance to do. Another perk of the program is access to an UHP Advisor. This means that each semester when you are trying to plan your schedule, you don’t have to go meet a new academic advisor every time (although when you do start getting more involved in your major, it may be a good idea to visit
that advisor as well). It is so nice to know my advisor and be able to ask for help/advice when I need it. She knows me and has been there for me since my SOAR session the summer between high school and college. Oh, and UHP students are also allowed to register for classes about a month before everyone else… What? Yes, you heard that right—the ability to enroll for classes for the upcoming semester several weeks before the general student population. The value of this benefit cannot be measured. You can get the classes you need to take when you want to take them. Seriously people…apply now! What are you waiting for? The program has a few requirements for CSULB students to apply. You must have a GPA of 3.5 or higher as well as the need to complete nine or more units of GE. The application process isn’t that bad either. It involves a short application form, a copy of your unofficial transcripts, one letter of recommendation, and a personal statement. Before you groan, note that the personal statement topics ask students to write an essay inspired by the huge mustard jars found in Sam’s Club or Costco and also how one feels about Wednesdays. That’s it. Not too bad huh? Plus they do not have a hard application deadline. Qualified applicants are admitted throughout the academic year. But you can’t start reaping the benefits until you apply so I would encourage you to act now. More information (and the application form!) can be found on the UHP website at http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/aa/uhp/. Even if you’re on the fence, just apply. The worst thing that can happen is being accepted into a program that will help you on your path to graduation.
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Ethical Leadership Ethical Leadership (CBA 401A and 401B) is a class that is sponsored by the Ukleja Center for Ethical Leadership that allows students to interact with leaders in different professional fields. Through the insight and experience of these professionals, students can begin to form their own ethical values and build a solid foundation from these values. About two times a month, my class visits businesses around Long Beach to meet CEOs, managers, and directors, and discuss any ethical decisions that they have been faced with while in the field. This class has enabled me to meet Mr. Robert Eckert, the CEO of Mattel, Inc. and former California Governor George Deukmejian. No other class allows students to have this opportunity to interact with such powerful people. It is the coolest thing to be able to sit with my class at a long table with these leaders and be able to ask them questions about their experiences. Each session we have a different area of focus that spans from Ethical Leadership in Education, Ethics and Human Resources, Ethics in Government, Environmental Ethics, and more. And each class session takes place in a different location. We have had classes in the Seal Beach Target, Long Beach Medical Center, and the Long Beach
Airport. It’s definitely a nice change of pace to have class in a non-classroom environment. I believe the most important take-away I have from this class is the experience. The Ethical Leadership class enables students to be involved as both members and leaders. My class is currently working on our community service project, which allows us to apply many of the leadership skills we have learned throughout the semesters. In recent job interviews I had been able to talk about my experience and the opportunities I have gained from this class. If you’re interested in being a part of this two-semester program (it is two credits a semester), an application is online at http://www.csulb.edu/colleges/cba/ucel/ educational/documents/ApplicationForm. pdf. Please note that the application for the 2012-2013 academic year is due by May 18, 2012. You must commit to enrolling in both CBA 401A (fall semester) and CBA 401B (spring semester) to receive course credits (2 units per semester). I also want to point out that this class is by no means exclusive when it comes to majors; my class has students majoring in Accounting, Film, Law, Creative Writing, and more. It is open to any students who are interested in being Ethical Leaders.
The Leadership Academy I recently found the Leadership Academy when I was searching for scholarships and noticed that membership in this academy was required to be considered for one of the scholarships. Since I had not heard of this program, I did a quick internet search to learn more. The Leadership Academy is open to every CSULB student, regardless of major, GPA, or prior leadership experience. It allows students access to workshops to develop their leadership skills (and this would look great on a resume!). Completion of the program requires attendance of seven mandatory two-hour workshops (there are several offered each semester), five elective one-hour workshops,
These are the hidden gems I’ve discovered so far in my time at CSULB. If you have any secret campus gems, you should email me at alison.union@gmail.com and expose your special program/class/club to the entire campus world. My last hidden (or not so hidden) gem is an inanimate object…the milkshake machine at the BeachHut. I have no idea why, but whenever I give someone a campus tour, they absolutely love that
a three-hour community service project, and a brief essay/interview on your application of the skills you have gained in the program. It might sound like a lot, but you have four years to complete all the requirements. The total program time is 25 hours! As I mentioned earlier, the workshops are so accessible. You can sign-up to attend a workshop online and see all the dates throughout the semester. It makes it easy to plan ahead and work out your schedule to accommodate your event attendance. More information about this program is available at http://www.csulb.edu/ divisions/students/sld/leadership_center/ leadership_academy/.
machine. Since it is starting to heat up, you should go buy yourself a milkshake and contemplate applying/joining these super cool programs. All of the programs are included with your tuition and make you a more unique and valuable candidate on your resume so you can get that job interview you have been dreaming about. And you’ll never know if one of these programs leads you to your future career. UNION WEEKLY
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STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
As of the 20102011 school year, the President, VP, and Treasurer each earned a salary of $22,762. All out of your pockets.
Having an office is cool because it’s like having a locker room with a computer in it. Michael Quibuyen ASI Treasurer
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BIEHN THERE, WISH I HADN’T DONE THAT THE VICTIM ISN’T GRINDHOUSE, IT’S JUST BAD STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
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or a movie to be posterized as a grindhouse flick with buxom heroines and an axe-wielding leading man, as The Victim was, it needs to come off as a campy terror that will continually wink at the camera (so to speak) to really show you, “yes, we know it’s bad, but we did it on purpose.” That’s not what this is. No matter how many times actor/writer/ director Michael Biehn (The Terminator, Tombstone, Aliens) said it was “fun” and compared it to 80 minutes of “cotton candy” in the post-screening Q and A in the Beach Auditorium, it seemed like a crutch for a poor product. Just because you call it an exploitation film that inherently needs blood and boobs to fit into the subgenre doesn’t mean it is an exploitation film and its flaws should be excused. B-movies, whether they be grindhouse, exploitation, or what have you, fall into a few categories. The ones that are “so bad, they’re good” seem to be excused usually with the aid of hindsight. Ed Wood Jr. was trying so darn hard and was so earnest, but his movies are so extraordinarily bad that they are enjoyable to watch. ’70s B-movies have similar side effects, but also the clothing, music, hair, and cheap film grime has become a signature package in and of itself, which led to the impetus for Tarantino/ Rodriguez’s Grindhouse Double Feature in 2007. Those guys saw what was both insane and important about these genre films and
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took it to the nth degree, and it worked because both of them are more-thancompetent filmmakers, to say the least. As a genre progresses through time, eventually it gets to the point where both the films and audiences are aware of the elements, making it easy for directors like Tarantino to really harvest and exploit those elements for the purpose of recreation or parody. Even further than that are movies like Piranha, being marketed with self-aware shoddiness. If this was the case for The Victim, it would have been fine, but it was far from fine. The Victim has a completely tropeish story. Biehn plays Kyle, a grizzly man with a grizzly past who lives in a backwoods cabin. Jennifer Blanc plays stripper Annie, who runs across Kyle’s cabin one night when escaping rogue cops, one of whom snaps her other stripper friend Mary’s neck while doggy-styling in the opening scene. As she and Kyle try to ward off the cops, there is also a tagged-on subplot about local girls going missing, which comes up as something that might intertwine into the main plot (it doesn’t really). Since Mary dies in the first scene, most of the exchanges between she and Annie are through flashbacks, where the two casually talk about stripper outfits, cocaine, hot bods—you know, girl stuff. These are the ingredients that are reused throughout the movie to infuriating lengths—goofy
violence, weird sexual situations, and character back story that doesn’t go much further than what’s given at face value. Another thing that makes some B-movies so enjoyable are the characters that are so outlandish, they’re actually pretty cool (Black Dynamite). None of these characters are cool and the actors, who seemed to be trying, couldn’t find cool if it walked up and backhanded them. For an actor who’s been in the business for at least 30 years and worked with quite a few established directors (i.e., James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez), Biehn couldn’t have been any more wooden than a marionette with rickets. Any finely shaped actresses could have played Annie and Mary, since all they had to offer was T and A. Wait, Biehn said this movie was “cotton candy” entertainment and shouldn’t be “taken seriously.” That still doesn’t excuse the terrible filmmaking when you were obviously trying to be earnest about it. The film was made for peanuts, but don’t remark about how low of a budget you had and then go on to say how you filmed on the Red camera, as Biehn mentioned. A high quality camera is also the opposite tool you want to use when making a so-called grindhouse. I understand that Biehn cast friends who helped finance the film, but that doesn’t always lead to a great product, unlike Tom Decillo using the same technique in his amazing Living in Oblivion. Cinematographically, most of the
scenes occur at night and sure, the projection affects the lighting a bit, but still the night lighting was too murky, especially for the multiple action sequences. Biehn mentioned he learned a technique called “shooting day for night” from some director and used it here. That means they shot during the day but filtered it to look like night. It doesn’t work. He even said he likes to arrive early at theaters screening the film so he can work with the projectionist to adjust the brightness. That shouldn’t happen. At times there was also no sense of eye-line with the actors or spatial continuity to the point of being visually disorienting. The music, poppy-country for the emotional scenes and girly Katy Perryesque stuff for the girl talk scenes between the strippers, was strangely both on the nose and also out of place. It was annoying and jarring at the same time. And they didn’t make it like that on purpose, because during the Q and A Blanc asked the audience if we liked the soundtrack. When someone made an approving remark, they were satisfied. Anchorbay Entertainment, a group that’s released a lot of terrible movies, but also titles including My Week with Marilyn, City Island, and The King’s Speech, picked up The Victim for distribution. The only victim here is the audience, and the only ones exploited were us as a college audience, taken as passive dummies who’ll accept anything if plopped in front of them free of charge.
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ARCADE FIRE
REVIEWS FROM THE XBOX LIVE ARCADE CHELSEA STEVENS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
If your girlfriend isn’t very good at video games and is easily distracted by shiny things, Trine 2 is the perfect option for you. The game isn’t riddled with zombies or ninjas or blood or guts, but it still somehow manages to be a fun way to pass the time. Trine 2 is a simple 2D platformer, mainly driven by a series of puzzles that are occasionally punctuated with little goblin tussles and boss fights. The game allows up to three players, and trust us, you want to play with multiple people. Not because it’s difficult in single-player mode, but more because playing it alone feels like you went to see the re-release of Beauty and the Beast in theatres by yourself. You’re just too old for that shit, bro. Your girlfriend, however, will be way into it. The entire game is very cute, from the fantasy-driven storyline, to the sparkling flowers that grow with magical water, to the flamboyantly colorful art style. Seriously though, there’s enough light bloom in this game to give someone a seizure. The main heroes of Trine 2 are a magically inclined trio: Amadeus, the wizard; Pontius,
the knight; and Zoya, the thief. Amadeus’ most worthy ability is conjuration—he can create boxes and platforms from thin air, and lift them to help his partners jump to higher areas. These are also fun to drop repeatedly on your partner’s head. Pontius is a typical sword and shield knight, but his attacks are powerful and will easily get you through any goblin attack. Zoya is probably the least powerful of the trio, but she has a fairly useful bow and can grapple off wooden surfaces like Batman, so that’s fun. Overall the characters are fairly wellbalanced, and the puzzles require each of their skills at one point or another. The game also gives you the option to switch between any of the characters on a whim; for example, both players can be playing as Amadeus to solve a puzzle, and then transform instantly into Pontius or Zoya to take care of surprise goblins. Trine 2 might not be the most sophisticated game, but the experience of it grows on you, and you can play it with pretty much anyone: your girlfriend, your little sister, your pet iguana. Even your mom.
Limbo is the probably most popular of these three games, and for good reason. It’s one of the most original, challenging, and thought-provoking puzzlers we’ve ever seen. Danish game company Playdead formed solely for the purpose of developing the game, and its revolutionary visuals and “trial and death” playing style have almost created a new genre of video games as art. In the first few moments, the most striking feature is that the entire game is in black and white. Objects aren’t really defined by shapes, but beautifully intricate layers of shadow that take the concept of gloominess to a whole new level. The gloom-meter goes off the scale when you find out that the plot surrounds a little boy who is attempting to follow his sister into death. The game never explicitly states this; in fact, it never gives you any verbal hints whatsoever. It’s vague in both story and gameplay, and the player is left to infer most everything on his own. Fortunately, the commands are very simple. The little boy can only run, drag things, and jump, but his extreme lack of hops gets a tad bit frustrating. You don’t typically
need much more for a puzzle game, but Limbo isn’t typical. The extreme simplicity of the art and facilities make you feel like the puzzles’ solutions should be simple as well, but they’re quite the opposite. Each section is exponentially more complicated than the previous, so that by the end of the game we were painfully sneaking hints from Google every five minutes. It just got too damn hard. Aside from the ingenious puzzles and incredible art, Limbo is simply morbid as fuck. The game seems to take place in hell for kids only, and many of the scenes include dead children sprawled across your path or hanging innocently from trees. The little boy seems to only die in the most disgusting and depressing ways, from drowning in a puddle to being impaled on sharpened sticks, and the difficulty of each puzzle means you watch him die an awful lot. Each time the boy’s guts explode in an eerily graceful eruption is like the first time; it never gets any easier. Regardless of this, Limbo’s gorgeous simplicity and addictive gameplay makes it one of the best games you can get for 15 bucks (or $9.99 on PC).
Bastion is the perfect happy medium between the simple solemnity of Limbo and the lighthearted fluff of Trine 2. From the start-screen on, the first thing you notice about the game is its unique art style. It has all of the color and charm of cartoon illustration, but the masterful graphics prevent it from feeling too childish. Each world has a fairly generic background, but this simplicity is offset by the interactive technique used in the ground: individual tiles appear from the abyss to construct a path under your feet as you walk. The effect is unsettling at first, but it wares off soon enough and simply becomes another interesting aspect of the game. Bastion’s tone is instantly set by its brilliant narration, performed by nobodyactor Logan Cunningham. Cunningham’s raspy black-man voice provides one of the most unique forms of game storytelling seen to date. The narration is interactive as well, mainly in that it changes depending on your actions; and he constantly comments about the paths you choose, your style of battle,
how much you suck, etc. You soon learn the narrator is actually an in-game character named Rucks: an old, quick-witted man who refers to your character only as “The Kid.” The game begins as you awake in Caelondia, your home world that’s recently been torn apart by an apocalyptic event called “The Calamity.” The Kid is then transported to the Bastion, a small city in which Rucks has been hiding out as the event’s only known survivor. He slowly unravels the history of Caelondia and its ancient feud with a race of people called the “Ura,” of which, it turns out, there are still a few remaining. Rucks tells the story as he sends the Kid off throughout the shattered universe to collect shards of a monument in the center of the Bastion. The completed monument will restore the Bastion’s powers to full strength, and reverse the effects of the Calamity. But of course, there’s a lot of shit between you and those shards. Each level has a distinctive playing style; some operate linearly, while others involve opponents attacking in waves. The journey entails a
myriad of different enemies, each requiring unique strategies to defeat them. They range from the tiny and almost-harmless Squirts, which go down with a single hit, to a monstrous horned dinosaur-thing that angrily chases you around in a sadistic game of tag. Killing these enemies earns you XP in a basic level-up system, and each level allows you to purchase Spirits that essentially act as constant buffs. To combat these adversaries, the game provides you with more options in weaponry than you could ever possibly need. You start off with the Cael Hammer, a big two-hander that does decent damage. Every few levels you’re presented with something new, from a fast-striking machete, to a scatter-booming musket, to a set of fire-breathing bellows. On top of that, each weapon has five unique options for upgrades. You can carry two at a time and return to the Bastion between each level to mix and match your personal favorites. It’s tempting to stick with your two favorites for the entirety of the game, but some of the new weapons do provide a
necessary advantage in certain situations. Overall, Bastion isn’t a terribly hard game on the “Normal” difficulty. However, you can activate different “shrines” that will simultaneously make aspects of the game more challenging, while providing you with extra XP or currency in return. Once you beat the game, you have the option to begin a “NewGame+” mode, in which you restart the game with every weapon and upgrade you unlocked the first time around. In exchange for these extra advantages, the enemies are much tougher to defeat. Despite the riveting gameplay, this isn’t the best part of Bastion. The game is simply fun to watch. Each aspect, from the art to characters to the storyline, has an impressive amount of depth lacked by the other two games. Not to mention, the all-original soundtrack is brilliant and will be stuck in your head for days. Bastion will do more than just pass the time; it’s a detailed, entertaining, inexpensive game that will give you much more than your money’s worth. UNION WEEKLY
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MO’ MUSIC? NO’ PROBLEMS TWO NEW ALBUMS TO CHECK OUT
JOHN VILLANUEVA
LEO PORTUGAL
I
MUSIC EDITOR
MANAGING EDITOR
ndie rock trio Yellow Ostrich always strives to find new sounds. With seven EPs/short LPs produced between 2009 and 2010, Yellow Ostrich showed off with an auditory variety. The Morgan Freeman EP and The Serious Kids EP in particular reveal Yellow Ostrich’s experimental nature. Morgan Freeman pulls its lyrics from Freeman’s entry on Wikipedia and turns them into a kind of poetry, backed by music appropriate to the stage in life being sung about. Serious Kids often reminds me of composer/musician Dan Deacon’s disjointed and kooky, yet catchy tracks. Speaking of Deacon and original music, he once said, “Music’s biggest asset is that you can hear new sounds. I’ll probably never see a new color.” Yellow Ostrich’s latest full-length, Strange Land, just as its name implies, reveals a band that is not afraid to continue venturing to new ground and evolving their sound. A departure from the metaphor-driven lyrics of their past work (not to mention the Morgan Freemandriven lyrics), the lyrics in Strange Land
instead come across as simple truths, like the diary entries of singer-guitarist Alex Schaaf, who in “Marathon Runner” sings, “When I was a boy of 17, I know it’s mean but I/I told my friend to give up on her dreams/She hated me but I/I knew the dreams were for the best of us and for the rest of us and I/I didn’t want to share with anyone.” Strange Land is not only a continuation of Yellow Ostrich’s evolution, but it is also a culmination of what they have done up to this point. There are nice changes of tone and pace throughout the album as Yellow Ostrich put forward a smorgasbord of loud guitar-driven tracks and quieter ballads. Strange Land takes the bands three members (Schaaf, multi-instrumentalist Jon Natchez, and drummer Michael Tapper) and ekes out some of their best qualities to put together a solid album. At times it feels like a bit of a distillation, with some charm lost in the process, but it also feels like it is a part of something bigger. Yellow Ostrich avoids the pitfall of sticking to a sound and instead chooses to continue growing.
Jazz Piano Wunderkind Robert Glasper has always stepped outside of the boundaries of jazz music, flawlessly incorporating hiphop elements into his works. With his release of Black Radio, Robert Glasper attempts to showcase that bridge between the classical jazz and hip hop worlds, and he does it with wondrous results. Backed by his band, consisting of Chris “Daddy” Dave, Derrick Hodge, and Casey Benjamin, Glasper has produced what has become his most accessible album to date. More of a hip-hop album, Glasper retains his jazz roots, dousing each track with melodious piano and infectious grooves. He’s not alone in his adventures either, as a slew of his famous friends within the hip-hop and soul realm contribute their talents. “Afro Blue” features the soul songstress Erykah Badu, and takes the Mongo Santaria track to new groovy heights. Backed by a chorus of flutes, Badu rides the Fender Rhodes into complete ecstasy. “Always Shine” has Lupe Fiasco spitting introspective verse much more impressive than anything on Lasers, while Bilal lays down a soul-filled
soaring chorus as only Bilal can. “Cherish the Day” has Lalah Hathaway, daughter of gonetoo-soon Donny Hathahway, showcasing her impressive pipes. Even Mos Def, now Yasiin Bey, is found on the album. A longtime friend and collaborator of Glasper, Mos Def fits perfectly on the track, laying down his proclamations “You’re rocking with the best!” Backed by Glapser, nothing truer could ever be said. Yet, Glasper cannot be the only one to claim credit, as his magnificent crew of musicians follow him every step of the way. Chris Dave, one of the most innovative drummers on the scene today, lays down impeccable groove track by track. Derrick Hodges is there following him the entire time, killing the bass. Last but certainly not least is Casey Benjamin, with his smooth sax and mastery of the vocoder, which is highlighted in the genre bending “Smells Like Teen Spirit” cover. With all the talent on the album, Glasper has a lot to work with. He does his best not to squander it, and has come up with one of my favorite albums of the year.
The Chronic, one of the best rap albums of all time, was so groudbreaking for its time, and is still such a great record to this day, and he just assumes it is shit. Come to think of it, he must think all rap music is shit since rap started in the ’80s. He thinks Nirvana is pure shit. How could anyone think that? Kurt Cobain was a genius and died too young, and yet this guy thinks Kurt was a no talent hack. What about Daft Punk? Everyone likes Daft Punk. Even my mom likes Daft Punk. But nope, this guy doesn’t enjoy Daft Punk. There is a limitless amount of music that I could list off that this guy thinks is shit, but it wouldn’t change this guy’s mind. The only
thing I agree with him on is that Skrillex is pretty awful. I don’t think I could ever have a conversation about music with this guy ever again. But what made him the way he is? Did he listen to a bad cover of a Beatles song from around the year 1985 and just made him go, “Nope, not having it. EVERYTHING FROM THE LAST FORTY YEARS IS SHIT. I DON’T FUCKS WITH IT.” We may never know what happened to this guy to make him the way he is, but we can hope for him, so that he may one day see the light that is music since 1972 isn’t all shit, and that there is a ton of gold in the pile.
EVERYTHING SUCKS AND EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE BEN ROBERTS UNION STAFFER
It’s a nice Friday, and I’m with some friends at a mall and we stop in a sunglasses shop. It’s a fairly small shop, so we start talking to the owner. He seems like a cool enough guy at first, but then the topic of music gets brought up. The very first thing he has to say is, “All music made in the last 40 years is pure shit. Nothing is original and everything is artificial and made on laptops. I would rather blow my head off than see Skrillex in concert.” After he said this, I was dumbfounded with no idea what to say, so I just nodded my head and mumbled some words and left. All music in the last 40 years is bullshit? That is one of the most ignorant things I
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have ever heard someone say about music. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a shocking statement if the guy was in his 60s or 70s, but he was 25 or 26 at the oldest. What the fuck? So that means everything since 1972 is pure shit. Michael Jackson’s Thriller is pure shit? Queen equals shit? Basically all electronic music? This guy has such a skewed view on music that I don’t even know where to start. For starters, let’s assume he only listens to things from the ’50s and ’50s. Okay, so he likes The Beatles. At least we know he doesn’t hate one of the greatest bands of all time. But so much revolutionary music has come out since then, and he just calls all of it shit. Dr. Dre’s
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WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER, WE’RE FICTIONAL
THREE GAY-THEMED BOOKS THAT ARE WORTH YOUR WHILE VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
Illustration
ROSE FEDUK UNION STAFFER
EDINBURGH by Alexander Chee
F
or those about to read Alexander Chee’s Edinburgh, let me just say, you are in for a world of hurt. Sexual molestation, survivor’s guilt, unrequited love, suicide: this novel is a smorgasbord of suffering. The plot follows Fee, a gifted Korean-American soprano who has been chosen to sing in a boys’ choir by its director, the ominously named Big Eric. Fee discovers early on that he and his choir director share
a secret: they are in love with young men. Unable to out Big Eric without outing himself, Fee remains silent, a decision that will haunt him for the rest of the novel. The story is broken into four sections: one narrated by Fee in his youth, another in his high school and college years, one from the perspective of Big Eric’s son, Warden, and finally back to Fee in his late 20s. The perspective shift is effortless
as Chee is able to shift from Fee’s worldweary voice to Warden’s more curious and hopeful one. Warden’s section is a pleasant and illuminating surprise because it offers a seldom heard voice in LGBTQ literature, that of the questioning youth. Whenever I recommend Edinburgh to a friend it is with a mix of glee and caution. On the one hand, this novel is breathtakingly well written. But after the reverential waves of awe
subside, you may find yourself having fallen into a pit of bone-deep sadness, which is then immediately followed by the physical need to read the book again. So I warn you, dear reader, proceed with caution, because the more time you spend with Chee’s characters, investing in their desires and pain, the easier it will be for them to carve a tunnel through your consciousness, occupying space in your brain days after reading.
Brooklyn wiseass with gimpy legs and big time dreams. The two set their sights on creating the next big comic book hero: The Escapist. In doing so, they change the face of the genre. Josef and Sammy’s creative endeavors are just as prominent in the novel as their romantic entanglements. The gay romance at the heart of the novel is between Sammy and the radio actor/Escapist look-a-like,
Tracy Bacon. Bacon is everything Sammy is not: dashing, confident, able-bodied, and fully aware of his homosexuality. How does a crippled comic book nerd land a super hottie like Mr. Bacon, you ask? Chabon’s gift for character allows such a bizarre pairing to exist as both believable and incredibly hot. The scenes between the two are electric. One scene in particular, where the two have an impromptu dinner
in the Empire State building during a thunderstorm, is literally so. But while Chabon’s novel may be filled with fantasy, magic, and the redemptive power of escape, it takes no easy way out when portraying the realities of living in a pre-Stonewall America. We root for these two crazy kids even though we know their love has little chance of surviving in 1940s America.
his affairs in order and promptly kill himself. Part of George’s allure as a character is his status as an outsider. His sexuality, as well as his Britishness, places him on the outskirts of society. It is from this position that George can say exactly what he wants, a position beyond acceptance and assimilation. And as his death draws closer, his inner thoughts are filled with comically
honest musings on race and sexuality. The novel’s 24-hour time span adds a ticking clock to George’s every action. Although George has nothing left to live for, Isherwood refrains from loud moments of reckless abandon. Instead, the novella is punctuated with moments where George appreciates the exciting yet ordinary gift of life surging through him: a
charmingly flirtatious smile from a student, a familiar conversation with an old friend, or a rigorous tennis match between two glistening hard bodies. In the end, Isherwood crafts a satisfyingly honest ending to his tragic story. Perhaps the real tragedy of A Single Man is that there is little fanfare for the death of a man like George.
THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER AND CLAY by Michael Chabon The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay is a magically gay, Jew-centric, nerdventure that centers on two cousins writing and illustrating during the comic book boom of America’s Golden Age. This dynamic duo is comprised of Josef Kavalier, a young Jewish artist with a background in escape artistry who has just snuck his way out of Nazi-occupied Prague, and Sammy Clay, a loveable
A SINGLE MAN by Christopher Isherwood Christopher Isherwood’s A Single Man is a portrait of a gay man in midlife in ’60s Southern California. The novella’s focal point is George, an English professor and British expatriate whose long-time partner has suddenly died. He wakes up and follows the familiar rhythm of his morning routine: shower, shave, breakfast, bills. But this day is different; today, George has resolved to get
CSULB’S READING RAINBOW BOOK CLUB IS GREAT! BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT… CHRISTY BONHAM UNION STAFFER
The Reading Rainbow is a book club started by CSULB’s Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) that focuses on books that have themes related to the LGBTQ community. All students are welcome to Reading Rainbow! Nothing could make the club better than having the insights of a large and diverse section of students. Reading Rainbow meets every Tuesday at the LGBT Resource Center at 5 pm. But you can also participate online if you can’t make it to the meetings in person every Tuesday. The amount of reading is also very reasonable. Most students are behind on reading in their classes, so no one wants to pile excessive
amounts of reading on top of homework. Another benefit of Reading Rainbow is that we can get access to books for free and distribute them in pdf format. As for what we read, our first pick was Philosophy in the Boudoir by the Marquis de Sade. It has references to homosexuality, so it relates to the LGBTQ community in that sense; however, it was chosen just as much for its status as a banned book. This choice was very conscious since a few members decided it would be neat to support the B-Word Project as well as keep our intended focus for Reading Rainbow. Philosophy in the Bourdoir remains controversial to this
day. Published in 1795, it was extremely ahead of its time. The Marquis de Sade was considered blasphemous and indecent. Today, Philosophy in the Boudoir falls somewhere between a romance novel and erotica on the scandal spectrum. This short book (180 pages) follows the sexual exploits of a brother and sister in their attempt to educate a young virgin in the ways of sex. Kinda freaky, right? I try to ignore the fact that a brother and sister become sexually involved and try to decipher what the Marquis de Sade was trying to say about sex—and I don’t think it was anything to do with incest (which
after all, was probably common for the time). The author’s intention in writing the novel is to encourage people to indulge in their passions because they are “the means used by nature to help human beings attain nature’s goals,” and “their source is the only one that will lead you to happiness,” as stated in the introduction. Menage a trois, pedophilia, as well as incest are all addressed in the first 10 pages. Want to choose the next book for Reading Rainbow? We are open to suggestions from anyone in the club. If you would like to join, message GSA on Facebook and you can be added to the group. UNION WEEKLY
12 MARCH 2012
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GOOD LIBATIONS
COME FOR THE WINE, STAY FOR THE SAMPLES
CHRISTY BONHAM UNION STAFFER
A
rt du Vin is a charming little wine bar next door to the Art Theatre on 4th street here in Long Beach. Having a wine bar next to a movie theatre is convenient for a few different reasons. One, you can take your wine into the theatre and drink while you watch the film. Second, if you want to drink but don’t have a designated driver you can go next door to wait for your buzz (or worse) to wear off. Lastly, if you’re seeing a film at the art theatre that turns out to be a snoozefest, enjoy some libations from Art du Vin until it becomes watchable. I went to Art du Vin two weekends ago for my roommate’s birthday. It is very small
and often cramped on busy nights, so my roommate made reservations to ensure there would be enough space for our party of eight. Inside, there are maybe a dozen stools and outside there are a few tiny tables on the patio—at least there are heat lamps for cold nights. We learned that bottles were a little pricey but glass prices were moderate. If that doesn’t woo you, know that you can try samples of any wine FOR FREE. So as you can imagine, I took advantage of this tasty little offer. I had at least five samples before I decided on a glass of the rare red. I’ve never had a red wine I enjoyed so much. It was just the right amount of
sweetness without being too dry. I could go on but really, wine tastes vary greatly (and I don’t want to annoy you with pretentious wine talk). So just go and try a few yourself. The staff was very friendly, knowledgeable and patient (they allowed my five samples without the slightest sign of annoyance). Parking isn’t too difficult to find either. There’s a lot across the street and some street parking. Just be warned: do not park in the Papa John’s lot. I parked there, got towed, and had to pay nearly $300 to get my car back. Fail. Art du Vin is a great place to enjoy for any occasion. Parents coming from out of town? Impress them with your worldly,
sophisticated, grown-up tastes. No more bedtimes when you go home on the weekend! Need to make a good impression on a date? Take them to this wine bar. Want to see a film and have a glass of wine, but still want to feel like you’re getting out (instead of staying home with your Netflix and box of Charles Shaw)? I recommend this place. Even if you are a wine novice, this is a great bar to start what will hopefully be a long, healthy and happy relationship with wine. Gain some cultural capital and maturity over your peers and give Art du Vin a try. More seasoned wine connoisseurs will be fairly impressed as well.
DO NOT DISTURB…I’M FUCKING GOOD LUCK FINDING A BIBLE IN A BRAZILIAN MOTEL GABE FERREIRA ART DIRECTOR
The past six years of my life have been marked by several cultural situations that serve as constant reminders that I am, in fact, foreign, and that escaping discomfort is not always possible. Though my once exotic accent is fading away and eating bacon for breakfast no longer seems strange, certain differences between Brazil (my country of origin) and the United States will never cease to intrigue me. Three months ago, I received an e-mail from Cassia, an old friend of mine from Sao Paulo. She mentioned she’d be flying to Los Angeles to spend her Summer vacation (Winter here in the Northern hemisphere), and asked for a few suggestions on where to stay and what to visit. I gave her a list of tourist attractions to check out, and
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mentioned her best bet would be to stay at a motel (college students are broke there, too). My dear friend loved the list of places, but hated me for suggesting the motel. “What do you think I am?” Cassia said. “Some sort of low-end prostitute?” After a few minutes processing the information, I finally realized the mistake I had made. Unlike in America, motels in Brazil are the perfect depiction of what The Eagles talk about in their hit song “Hotel California.” In order to understand the social role motels play in Brazilian society, one must know that most Brazilian people do not move out of their parents’ house until they are married. The average age at first marriage is 28 for men and 26 for women. Young people need a place to have
sex. Hotels are expensive. Girls hate doing it in the car. Parents don’t like to hear the moaning voices of their children. Have you made the connection yet? Motels in Brazil have turned into sex establishments; places built exclusively for undisturbed fornication. For the equivalent of $25, you can book you and your loved one a cozy room for the entire night. Yes, there are condoms in the drawers (you can call room service if you need more), mirrors on the ceiling, and, in some of them, porn movies. If you are willing to spend the big bucks, you can have a jacuzzi in the bathroom and champagne delivered to you. To make the experience a truly unforgettable one, the façades of these motels sport that blue and pink neon we’ve
all grown to love. Weird, you might think, but that’s how you do it if you live in Brazil and don’t have your own place (the case with 75% of the people under the age of 25). Sex can be a very expensive habit to have! After running this whole story in my head, I went back to my computer and wrote to Cassia, apologizing for not explaining what an American motel was. She laughed at it (or at least I think she did; there were lots of “hahahahas” in the message), and said she wondered if clueless tourists ever go to motels in Sao Paulo looking for a cheap stay and quiet night of sleep. “I don’t know”, I replied, “but I will make sure to make that suggestion to my boss if he or she ever tells me they’re going to visit Brazil.”
UNION STAFFER
Story
HARD
PUPPY TROUBLES
KEVIN NG
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Illustration
JAMES G. MORALES UNION STAFFER
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DISSECT MY BRAIN
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Disclaimer: Within the confines of this page are the writings of the mythical beast known only as Sa-Tyre. The beast was locked away in a dungeon made of baby semen, only to awaken after a thousand years of slumber. We, the holders of this scripture, are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. If you wish to learn more, or learn about my obsession with the Duchess of Spain, feel free to email me at octogirl.grun@gmail.com
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BY KID THRAXXX
BY ESPERANZA BALDING Rush Limbaugh is a prominent figure for conservatives. As a talk show host with more than one million listeners, his words have a huge impact on peoples’ ideals and perspectives. Recently, Rush was criticized for his misogynistic comments after calling Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute for supporting mandated coverage of birth control. Upon learning of Fluke, it seemed like Limbaugh was struck by a match and ignited into a tirade full of hurtful words which not only offended Sandra Fluke, but women all over this country. Limbaugh shocked the world when he responded to these comments, stating, “What the lame-stream media doesn’t know about me, is that I am, myself, a woman.” Although his genitals have indeed been categorized as female, Limbaugh’s organs defy the logic of vaginalogical science. As a child, Limbaugh was irreversibly traumatized when he was touched “down there” in his “no-no spot” by his older step brother, who tried to slip him a finger in the kiddy pool while their parents weren’t looking. Limbaugh’s step brother came away from the experience with a scarred finger. “I knew from that moment on that my nono spot was not a place to be touched, by anyone or anything,” he added. Years later, this ideology was solidified when Limbaugh attempted to rape a teenage boy for being the “filthy, dirty nigger he was.” The boy was later found in a lakeside cave, recently having died from excessive blood loss due to a violently detached penis. He was also mysteriously covered in hamburger grease, and seemed to have been lathered in a toxic
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mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise, later identified as In N’ Out Burger’s Thousand Island dressing. “I still don’t know what’s wrong with me down there,” Limbaugh sighed dejectedly at his recent press conference to discuss the issue. “My doctors often get bitten when they try to see inside me, but I don’t want them to look anyway. Vaginas weren’t meant to have sex with. They were created by God as a God-given defense mechanism, to make sure after Adam and Eve that sex never happened ever, ever again.” When asked if he was aware that most women’s vaginas do not contain lethal sets of teeth, Limbaugh declined to comment. He instead stressed that while most women see him as a chauvinistic pile of devil-flaming shit, he’s simply looking for their comfort and acceptance. “I just want women to know that I’m one of them, I’m on their side, and there’s a better form of birth control than taking harmful pills that kill our helpless unborn children. Just tell those sluts to stop having so much motherfucking sex.”
In a bold attempt to gain an untapped voting demographic in the upcoming presidential election, Newt Gingrich and his wife, Callista, ventured into the deep sewers in search of the illusive tribe of Morlocks living underneath the New York city streets. Much like other candidates’ visits to their hometowns and home states, Gingrich hoped his loose ties to the subterranean mutant community could garner him enough votes to make him a strong candidate during the primaries, if not tilt the presidential scale in his favor. “I’m just a simple, sewer boy at heart,” stated Gingrich in a recent interview, “My Grandmother was a Morlock, dabbling in all that dark-sided mumbo-jumbo, but just look at me! I’m a disgusting blob of a human being. I belong in the sewers, so I told Callista, ‘It’s time I get back to my roots.’ I may look like your typical city boy now, but put me knee-deep in some feces and I’ll be smiling for weeks.” The Morlocks were less than willing to fall for any promises suit-wearing, day
walkers drummed up due to previous encounters with government officals. In 1952, Independent candidate for city contractor looking for re-election, Kyle Lamato, journeyed into the sewers with promises of change and daily biscuit trucks. Morlocks, a generally reserved and conservative group of people, were reluctant to accept initial offers, but complied with the caveat that agreeing would mean less human contact. When Lamato lost the election due to New York’s unwillingness to accept the Morlocks as human beings, took his frustrations out on the Morlocks by pouring large amounts of rat poison onto the unsuspecting Morlocks. Because of this, Gingrich’s wife Callista was forced to do battle with the reigning Chief for leadership of the Morlocks and won. According to sources close to the couple, if his political aspirations go awry, Gingrich plans on staying underground as First Husband due to the solidarity among Morlocks. “Mafter many mencounters with the top siders, we’re in dire need of a saalid leadersssship, Caaallisssta is someone we can count on,” noted Joseph Spineburg, local freak and long time Morlock.
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Initiating courtship mode. I seek my one true love: a mutant that will make my photon calibrators hot and make my fuses go haywire, but not in a me-getting-destroyed kind of way. Possibly in a me-getting-horny manner. Or in a completely plutonic manner. Whichever it is you prefer. I am flexible and seeking to try new things. I am well-built and three stories tall. I enjoy initiating booster rockets for a long fly on the beach. And sunsets. While I find candlelit dinners nice for the ambiance, I do not require sustenance because I am robotic in nature. Will talk robo for you. If you are a mutant and are interested, please contact me immediately. I will show you a good time, mutant. Once again, I am looking for any and all mutants. So that I may destroy them. I mean to say, destroy them… with affection. Call me… or else.