CSULB STUDENT SPECIAL SEE PAGE 2 FOR DETAILS
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CHEL ME ABOUT I LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
LEO PORTUGAL
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
gabe.union@gmail.com
Managing Editor Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN
marco.union@gmail.com
COLLEEN BROWN
colleen.union@gmail.com
Senior Editor
Opinions Editor
ALISON ERNST
alison.union@gmail.com
STEVE BESSETTE
steveb.union@gmail.com
News Director
Entertainment Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor
LEO PORTUGAL VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
johnv.union@gmail.com
vincha.union@gmail.com
CHRIS FABELA
cfab.union@gmail.com
OCTOPUS GIRL
octogirl.grun@gmail.com
Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA
Art Director, Cover Design
CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor
gabe.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com
CHRIS FABELA
cfab.union@gmail.com
On-Campus Distribution
STEVE BESSETTE
Advertising Executive
steveb.union@gmail.com
FOLASHADE ALFORD folashade.union@gmail.com PR Specialist
Associate Editors
Contributors
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
leop.union@gmail.com
Literature Editor
MELISSA CASAS NATHAN CRUZ
CHELSEA STEVENS
chelsea.union@gmail.com
TANYA PAZ ROSE FEDUK
MARIHA LOWE DANIEL HO ALBERTO MATA JAMES G. MORALES KEVIN NG LAUREN HANNIGAN CHRISTY BONHAM ERICA ABITO
INGRID ROSALES WES VERNER
NATE MUSS NICHOLE DANIELS SIMON BATY BEN NOVOTNY TALIA BEN-ORA ERICA MEDRANO JOSH STEINBERG AMY HOWDYSHELL
T
he moment I found out that I was not the winner of last month’s record-breaking Mega Millions, I was standing two feet from my television with my losing ticket in one hand and a full cup of cherry Slurpee in the other. This didn’t pan out well for my television, and as it turns out, I still don’t have 654 million dollars to buy a new one. The mere concept of the lottery has always baffled me. I’m all for redistribution of wealth, but the lottery redistributes wealth in the exact opposite of the helpful direction. How much cooler would it be if they had picked six and a half million people to get $100? I would rather take a hundred bucks in the form of a Weinerschnitzel gift card than give my $10 to some bitch that lost her winning ticket at McDonald’s. Seriously though, fuck her.
I only buy lotto tickets about twice a year, but when I do, I become entirely consumed with the idea of winning those millions of dollars. It physically hurts to imagine that much money and know that I’ll never have it. I’d be so happy to be rich I would quit everything and dedicate my whole life to curing cancer. See, my winning the lottery would actually better society. I think we should make this fact known. Talking over the Mega Millions fiasco last week, the Union editors and I got to thinking about what we would do with our share of $654 million. The usual ridiculous suggestions arose first, like bringing on James Franco as CSULB’s professor of sexy stubble, or buying the Union a giant tortoise. But then we realized that we’d mostly just want to save ourselves from the travesty that has become our collective educations. I mean, the school will
be lucky if I graduate in the next ten years with 13 units a semester, and everyone I talk to about it is sinking in the exact same boat. I know we’re all sick of hearing about this development by now, so I’m not going to unleash the entirety of my rant at you, but all I want is for someone high up in the administrative ranks to give me a free pass to have as many units and majors as I damn well please. So if you know anyone willing to help a bitch out, tell them to give me a call. Unfortunately the Union didn’t actually win the Mega Millions, but if we did, we’d sure do a better job of spending it than anyone else that’s won the lotto. Learn more about that on page 8. But please excuse me now, for I’ve written myself into a depressed stupor and need to go drink myself to sleep. Have a poor, drunk week everyone, and thanks for reading.
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : chelsea.union@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY
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HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, PUP YOU’LL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN, BOGART WERNER HERZDOG FAMOUS DOGRECTOR
L
ast Wednesday would have marked the 18th birthday of the dog I had when I was a kid. I know 18 is a pretty impossible age to reach if you’re a dog or cat (a year is like seven years to them), but remembering my dog’s birthday brings me back to memories of the joy and love he brought to my family and me. When I was very little, I was totally obsessed with puppies, so when I was six my parents put together a puppy party in my backyard. Not only did I have tons of fun playing with all of them, but I also received a two-month-old adorable baby Cocker Spaniel as a birthday present. His original owners had given him the name Bachelor when he was born, but my mother decided to change his name to Bogart, after movie star Humphrey Bogart of Casablanca fame. Much like the dog in Marley and Me, Bogart was far from the perfect dog. He would bark at the front door whenever someone rang the doorbell, eat out of my cat’s bowl, and worst of all, he would climb up on the dining room table to try to eat me and my family’s food! Yet despite all this, Bogart was a very sweet dog that was a very major part of my childhood. My mom, brother, and I used to frequently take him on walks around the block or at nearby Lacy Park in San Marino, and
Illustration
CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR
whenever I got the chance I rubbed his belly when he laid on the floor, which he loved. When he was six we got him a dogedible cake that he just gobbled up after wishing him a happy birthday. Little did we know it was the last birthday he would ever have. That August after Bogart’s visit to the vet, the veterinarian said that he would live for another 10 or 15 years. But then the next morning I woke up to find shit all over the stairs and my mother telling me to stay away from the dining room. A van came to our house, and my mother broke the news to me and my brother that Bogart had passed away that night. She found him not moving and not breathing underneath the dining room table and didn’t want my brother and I near there because she didn’t want us to see his dead body. To this day I still don’t know if the vet knew that Bogart was going to die. But if he did, I wish he would have told us so I would have spent more time with him the night before his passing. Bogart, I know you can’t hear me and wouldn’t understand me if you were still alive, but I want to let you know that I love you and you were the best birthday present a kid could ever have asked for. You brought a lot of happiness to my childhood, and you have given me joy that only a dog can bring.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED WHY I’M PROBAMA BEN NOVOTNY UNION STAFFER
Barack Obama has inspired me ever since I heard him speak at the 2004 Democratic National Convention in Boston. He was the first president I ever voted for, and I plan on voting for him again come November. He will receive my vote not just because he’s a Democrat and a great orator, but also because one of the signature policies of his administration has made a significant positive impact on my life. I am talking about healthcare reform. Before President Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act two years ago, I had to take a minimum of 12 units every fall and spring
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semester in order to stay on my father’s health insurance. This originally wasn’t a big deal, since taking four classes is usually pretty manageable. But it became a huge problem in the fall of 2010, when I had to take math, biology, and a biology lab at Long Beach City College in order to transfer to CSULB. Math and science are my hardest and least favorite subjects, and all of those classes made up only eight units, so I still had to find another four units or risk losing my health care coverage. In order to make up those units, I enrolled in an ancient history class and a one-unit class on how to operate Mac
computers. These classes were fun since I love history and Macs, but taking those classes didn’t leave me enough time to study for the classes I really struggled with and needed to focus on. It really stressed me out. But luckily, thanks to “Obamacare” (as some dumbasses like to call it), I no longer have to take 12 units in order to keep my healthcare. When I found this out I jumped for joy and immediately dropped the two classes I didn’t need so I could solely focus on the three classes that truly mattered. Not only was I able to pass all three classes because I had more time to study
for them, but I also got a B in Biology. So in a way, Obama’s healthcare law actually made it possible for me to transfer to this awesome school. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have been able to without it, but it would have been a lot harder. Barack Obama has done a lot of other cool things as President in the last three years—taking out Osama Bin Laden, ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and trying to make federal college loans more affordable, just to name a few. But health care reform is the main reason why I’m voting for him in November and why I consider him the greatest president of my lifetime.
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AND WE DON’T CARE ABOUT THE YOUNG FOLKS WE’RE ALREADY BECOMING OUTDATED INGRID ROSALES ASSOCIATE EDITOR
As a fellow member of Generation Y, it really pains me to say this—but we desperately need to get over ourselves. Every day I read another complaint on Facebook, or hear someone whining about the alleged degradation of our culture and I’m sick of it. Have we completely forgotten that with each decade, our culture and trends change? That what we find appealing in entertainment might not be the same for the coming generation? But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, people. We need to stop ragging on Generation Z—a demographic that we’re arguably in as well! Yes, we had cool television shows in the ’90s, and it sucks that our little brothers and sisters have to put up with Teen Mom and The Cleveland Show. But they also have
Adventure Time and 30 Rock. And let’s face it—I’ve seen all of your Twitter posts about Jersey Shore. You’re no better. And yes, Generation Z has forced Justin Bieber into our radar. That doesn’t mean we’re holier-than-thou. We listen to dubstep. Our insults are automatically invalid. I’ve personally found myself offended by our ’60s-’80s-born friends that accuse us of seeming disgustingly entitled to everything we can imagine. But thinking about it now, they’ve got a point. We’re so used to instant gratification that we completely lose our shit when we misplace our phone for an hour. We hate commercials because we can’t wait three minutes for our show to come back on. We’re furious when our friends don’t instantly text us back, and the
fact that I know several people who gave up Facebook and Tumblr for Lent proves that there is something off with us. The irony that I’m complaining about people complaining isn’t lost on me—and I’ll admit that I Tumble more often than I should. The “First World Problems” meme is probably one of my favorites out there, and cracking my iPhone was like having my exboyfriend break up with me all over again. I accept that. And I think you should too. We’ve embraced ’90s culture so much that we’ve gotten shows from our childhood back on television. Hell, we even got James Cameron to re-release Titanic this weekend. Why can’t we do the same with what the past five years have given us? Looking closer at pop culture, it’s really no
different, and Generation Z had to learn from somewhere. Face it. Those shows, music, fashion, and current social norms that you say you hate were in some way influenced by you. Embrace it. Admit that you love Justin Bieber’s new single (it’s more liberating than you think). And if you really hate what pop culture has become, then change it. Someone’s writing those shows and songs. Improve it! But don’t just sit there on a pedestal and rant about how things used to be so much better “back in the day,” even though it was only 15 years ago. Put up with it and shut up about it—or steer our society in a better direction. Whatever you do, just do me a huge favor and get off that high horse.
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THE FUTURE ACCOUNTANTS OF THE WORLD NEED YOU HELP US BY BUYING RAFFLE TICKETS AND PARTYING ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
A
re you looking for ways to help the future accountants of CSULB? You should be! Accountants are going to be the ones who help you with your taxes, assist your company in preparing financial statements, and perform audits of companies to ensure compliance with generally accepted accounting principles. We help in preventing financial frauds, like Enron and WorldCom, from rocking the economic world. You can help the future accountants of CSULB by buying raffle tickets around campus and/or attending our party at Frisco’s (4750 East Los Coyotes Diagonal) on Thursday, April 19 at 7 pm. The proceeds from these activities benefit Beta Alpha Psi, a non-profit organization on campus that
serves to help accounting students develop the necessary skills and networks for excelling in the field. Tickets will be sold near the Psych building (look for our sign!) on Monday, April 9 and Thursday, April 12, from 10 am to 3 pm. The Beta Alpha Psi candidate class will also be out in front of CBA on Tuesday, April 10 and Wednesday, April 11 from 10 am to 3 pm as well, for all of your raffle ticket needs. Raffle tickets are only $10 for the first ticket and $5 for every ticket afterwards. The prizes up for grabs include an iPad, iPod, giftcards, and bikes. Please note that you do not need to be present at the drawing to win (the hosts will be sure to contact you). You should also join us at Frisco’s on
Thursday, April 19 for a great night that will include a DJ, the raffle drawing, dancing, and fun. You will have another opportunity to purchase raffle tickets before the drawing, to increase your chances of winning. And who doesn’t want an iPad? If you want more information and/ or to RSVP so you can look super cool on Facebook, just search: Beta Alpha Psi Candidate Class Fundraiser. You know you don’t have anything better to do on a Thursday night, so you should come party with the coolest kids in school. Our generous sponsors include Destiny Chevron, F.I.T.T. Energy, Power Buying Dealers Western Region, Inc., Yucatan Grill, and LW Pizza.
PARTY! IF YOU ARE FREE ON
THURSDAY, APRIL 19 AT 7PM, YOU SHOULD COME TO
FRISCO’S
FOR A NIGHT OF DANCING, MUSIC, RAFFLE-DRAWING, AND FUN. COME PARTY WITH US! YOU CAN ALSO BUY RAFFLE TICKETS FOR ONLY $5. YOU MIGHT BE THE LUCKY WINNER!
LBSU ARCHERY CLUB IT’S MORE THAN JUST BOWS AND ARROWS STUART SCHMIDT CONTRIBUTOR
It’s easy to think of our own LBSU Archery Club as being a bunch of quiet little archers silently impersonating Robin Hood on the field, right? Nope, wrong. So very wrong. When I met with the 49year-old LBSU Archery club, I was greeted by the booming voice of Club President Kalie Sabajo. Never before had I heard a voice that could overpower my own. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Little did I know I was about to be schooled in the art of running a sport club team. Before even picking up a bow, I felt like I was in a social club. Almost all of the team members engaged in hilarious banter that always left me laughing. Only
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the friendship among the officers rivaled their passion for shooting. Roughly 20 club members gathered at the Archery field that afternoon, many of them new to the sport. After chatting with some of the club/team members and sitting in on a meeting with the officers, I had the opportunity to borrow a bow and shoot a few arrows. I hadn’t shot since about two summers ago. I think my arrows must have plotted against me as they never seemed to want to fly where I aimed them. But Ms. Sabajo patiently taught me some basics. As a beginner, I felt like I was truly welcome in this group.
The club however is not limited to its strong on-campus presence. They also have archers that compete in both regional and national tournaments. Our LBSU archers travel around the country, competing in large tournaments. They command great attention in the nationwide organization US Collegiate Archery, not just because they placed 5th in last year’s national tournament and are ranked 1st in the West this year, but because they are known as one of the “loudest” Archery teams. During the normally quiet Archery tournaments, our CSULB team cheers on their fellow teammates and socializes with other school’s archers during
their time at the competitions. Visiting this club was like a breath of fresh air being drawn into my lungs. The level of enthusiasm and authentic interest of the officers involved far surpassed my expectations. As I sat in on one of their team meetings, I was surprised at not only how much they cared, but also how hard they were willing to work for this club. To me, this is what club sports is all about. Friends. Competition. Fun. It’s all there in the LBSU Archery Club. If you are interesting in joining or just want to find out more, information about the Archery Club can be found online at www.csulb.edu/org/sports/archery/.
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THE LB GRAND PRIX IS THIS WEEKEND PAY ATTENTION TO PARKING SIGNS AND AVOID A TICKET
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COACHILLIN’
BEST BANDS TO SEE AT THIS YEARS COACHELLA JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
The time has come around again for youth to venture off into the blistering desert sun, awaiting the arrivals of their musical saviors. I speak of Coachella, the three day musical wonderland on the polo fields of hot-as-balls Indio. This year, Goldenvoice
has decided to extend the fun, offering two weekends of festivities with the same bands. I, sadly will not be attending this year, as my major has kept me busy and the ever emerging bro scene at Coachella is making me weary. Now, if you were lucky enough to
ALISON ERNST
NATHAN CRUZ
NEWS DIRECTOR
I was one of those people who purchased their tickets on layaway back in June, before the lineup was even announced. I had high hopes of the Kooks, the Specials, No Doubt, Best Coast, and Lily Allen (a girl can dream!). When the lineup finally appeared, I must admit that I was a little disappointed. But alas, I had already purchased my ticket and I decided that I should make the best of it. Out of all of the bands playing, I am definitely most excited to see Madness. It has been several years since Madness has come across the pond and I have never had the opportunity to see them. I absolutely love their songs “Baggy Trousers” and “The Sun and The Rain.” They are rumoured to be an excellent performers on stage. I am so excited to see them perform in the festivalatmosphere. The only headliner I really care for is the Black Keys. I bought a few of their albums in anticipation of Coachella and I expect a great set from them. I am happy for them and their recent popularity, but I know that it means I’ll have to come early to their set in order to get a good spot. It might get a little crazy when “Gold on the Ceiling” comes on. M. Ward is a personal favorite of mine, so I was excited to see him. Secretly though, I am hoping that Ms. Deschanel will join him to perform “Never Had Nobody Like You” and then sing some She & Him songs as well. He is fantastic on his own, but I am also a huge She & Him fan. It would not be unusual for Zooey to show up to a festival like Coachella. I will definitely be in the crowd for UNION WEEKLY
vetern of the Coachella seen I, as well as the many talented writers of the Union Weekly have compiled our favorite artists to see for the upcoming weeks. So drink plenty of water, wear sunscreens, and go check out these fantastic lineups.
Radiohead
Madness
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actually score tickets for the event (which sold out in a matter of minutes), you may not know exactly how to go about it? What are the best food vendors? What do I wear? I found this in a bag on the ground, should I take it? Well, no worries festivalgoers. As a
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ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Feist, the Shins, Kaiser Chiefs, GIRLS, Squeeze, Justice, and the Buzzcocks (fingers crossed that there will be no overlap!). Feist is one of those women that I admire; she seems so strong! I am glad that I have the opportunity to see her perform live. The Shins are one of those bands that always ended up on the mixedcds I would make for my friends. They’re classic. Kaiser Chiefs are goofy and fun, I have a feeling that they will put on a good show. GIRLS. When I first heard the song “Lust for Life”, I really thought it sounded like early Elvis Costello. GIRLS is different, but in a good way. Justice was another band that would randomly appear on mixed-cds that my friends and I passed around. I am stoked to hear “D.A.N.C.E.” performed in all of its glory. Squeeze and the Buzzcocks are both bands from the 1980s that I grew up listening to (from my parents). I feel very fortunate to have the chance to hear them live...at Coachella. Is it bad that I plan on ducking out before Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg perform? I feel like I would derive greater benefit from heading home before the crowds and get more time to sleep before my Marine Bio midterm the next morning. Actually, I don’t care what your argument is. I am going home and going to sleep. Coachella 2012 doesn’t offer my dream list of acts, but perhaps a future Glastonbury or Isle of Wight festival will. There are several good artists/bands performing this year, But, more importantly, this year marks my first Coachella and it will be fun. I’m determined that I will have fun.
Okay so I’ll be the first to admit that The King of Limbs is not my favorite Radiohead album. However, this does not change the fact that the record sounds fucking amazing live. There is no pre-recorded beats shuffled off a laptop when Radiohead takes the stage. All of the electronics from the record are organically crafted live, showcasing Thom, Jonny, Ed, Colin, and Phil’s full abilities as musicians. For the new tour the band has enlisted help from Portishead’s Clive Deamer, adding an extra layer of percussion. I had the chance to see Radiohead live last month in Arizona, and it changed my life. For this tour the band has played a wide assortment of songs from their vast catalog offering a unique set-list for every show. Thus far this tour they have played songs from most of their albums, including the gut-wrenching “Paranoid Android”, the eerie ominous “The Gloaming” and the intricate, soulful, “Lotus Flower.” They’ve even debuted a new track entitled “Identikit.” Radiohead’s live set will not leave you high and dry, no surprises there. (ALL PUNS INTENDED). Other Lives: I was also lucky enough to catch Other Lives when they opened for Radiohead last month. Having never listened to the band, I was pleasantly surprised. Hailing from Oklahoma, the bands’ sound comes across as a fusion between folk rock and experimental rock. Other Lives creates a lush, ethereal, multiinstrumental landscape of sounds, as heard on their latest LP, Tamer Animals. Think
of their sound as somewhat similar to Bon Iver, The National, and Fleet Foxes. Definitely worth your time. Mazzy Star: I can remember when I was a young lad in the mid-1990’s, sitting in the backseat of my grandparent’s Volvo while my aunt blasted Mazzy Star on the radio, allowing the music to permeate my young brain. Seventeen years later and a heavy dose of nostalgia never ceases to hit whenever I listen to this band. Mazzy Star now exemplifies the 90s “dream pop” sound that has influenced bands throughout the years. With heavy reverb, David Roback’s distorted guitar, and the deep sensual lyrics of Hope Sandoval, this band serves as an epitome for 90s alternative music. St. Vincent: St. Vincent is the stage name for singer/songwriter, Annie Clark. Do not let Annie Clark’s petite frame fool you, I have seen her live and this woman can shred on the guitar. Only having heard some of St. Vincent’s singles before listening to her latest, St. Mercy, I was not particularly blown away when I first heard the album. After a few more listens I was able to truly appreciate the deep lyrics and heavy emotional tone of the album. In the title track, “Strange Mercy” Clark sings, “If I ever meet the dirty policeman who roughed you up, no I, I don’t know what,” she hits a heavy emotional tone laced with a certain amount of nostalgia and melancholy. I can rave on and on about this album, but St. Vincent is yet another act I highly recommend checking out at Coachella this year.
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Flying Lotus JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
A distant relative to John Coltrane, Steve Ellison’s musicality shows through in his music. Works of psychedelic, trippy, in some cases 8-bit bliss that will fulfill any drug crave you may feel. The musical journey that FlyLo has taken throughout his career has been a wild one. He has contributed tracks to Adult Swim, and has released three albums along with a bevy of E.P.s. His latest, Cosmogramma, was his most experimental, with odd instrumentation and a guest appearance by Thom Yorke. At this years Coachella, he will be premiering his upcoming release, Until the Quiet Comes. Be sure to check him out to see what he has in store. At The Drive-In: One of my favorite bands ever, At The Drive-In had Cedric and Omar thrashing maniacally before the grasp of Pink Floyd took a hold of them and they were whisked off into the Mars Volta. Primal and completely unbridled, At The Drive-In brought punk back to the forefront. “One Armed Scissor” brought them into the Limelight, but the band is so much more than that song. The entire Relationship of Command album is fantastic. And with this show being there last show ever, be sure to be in front for what is to be a blistering, full frontal sonic assault. Gary Clark Jr: With his guitar in hand, Gary Clark Jr. is going to show Coachellagoers what the blues are really about. Dubbed by some as “the savior of blues,” Gary indeed fits that description with pride, backing his guttural growl with tasty, dirty blues licks. Already a mainstay in Austin, Gary has released E.P.s, and is ready to reveal himself to a more mainstream audience. DJ Shadow: A hero of mine, DJ Shadow helped to bring DJing into the mainstream with his fan Endtroducing.... a mix of the most obscure samples, the record helped bring DJing into the limelight, perfect for a midnight drive. Being backed by that momentum, he has released many other albums, and his ready to show the Coachella crowds his DJing skills. Andrew Bird: A classically trained musician, Andrew will bring his sophisticated
brand of baroque pop to Coachella this year. Riding off of his recent release of Break It Yourself, which was released to rave reviews, Andrew is ready to reveal his genius to an even wider audience.
Thundercat JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
Virtuoso bassist Thundercat will be playing Coachella. As if the name wasn’t enough to go see him, his blend of psych punk funk from the future is sure to get the masses crowding around the tent. A prodigy bass player (whose brothers also happen to be prodigies as well in piano and drums), Stephen “Thundercat” Bruner started playing in Suicidal Tendencies with his brother when they were mere teenagers. Now a sought after bass player who has played with the likes of Erykah Badu and Flying Lotus, Stephen’s solo show is definitely one to check out. Real Estate: If you’ve read the paper, you already know my love of the band Real Estate. Days was one of last years best releases, its sunny melodies accompanying me on many afternoon drives. Songs like “Green Aisles” have you dreaming of perfect days, and “It’s Real” will have your vocal chords sore from yelling out the chorus on the 405. If you want to bring the beach with you out to Indio, make sure to go check out Real Estate. Girls: Probably the most sincere band to ever grace the Coachella stages, Girls write songs about love and loss with a gritty real perspective. Immune to the flair that other songwriters often fall victim to in attempt to pull heartstrings, Christopher Owens crafts songs from personal influence. The result, songs that speak of life and love, living on the edge, and most importantly, living for yourself. Backed by Beach Boy melodies and sixties era swag, Girls are a must see band at this years festival. Wu Lyf: Something actually interesting to come across the pond as of late, Wu Lyf or “Word Unite Lucifer Youth Foundation” have released their furious raucous to the glee of bloggers and music critics alike. A blend of pounding drums and overbearing organs led by someone who falls just short
of a drunk Tom Waits impression, the band creates incredible amounts of noise. And that’s what I love about them. It’s music of defiance, of revolution, perfect to get crowds pumped at Coachella. Explosions In the Sky: My love of postrock commands me to include these guys on the list. One of the few bands to gain popularity during the post-rock explosion in the early 2000s, Explosions in the Sky have a knack for crafting emotionally stirring pieces. Usually starting off with a slow burn, the band will build in intensity, finally ending in a fiery climax of drums and earth shattering guitars. They have gotten much more sensitive towards dynamics with their latest release, and they are sure to entertain the Coachella masses. Childish Gambino: Having inherited his rap skills from his father/ cop Danny Glover, Donald Glover is taking his wit and pop culture references to the polo fields this year. Straight off of his starring role in Community, Donald has been creating a stir in the blogosphere under his rap moniker Childish Gambino. With his off kilter beats and ADD hashtag raps, Donald is sure to please festival goers with his cool kid style.
sold out and all the shows have been great. They have been performing about three new songs per set, as well as doing many old songs that have never been performed live yet. If I was to attend Coachella this year, I would most definelty see them. Arrabmuzik: If you are the type of person who goes to Coachella more so to party rather than see bands, then ARRABMUZIK is for you. He seemlessly blends trance with hip hop beats and the results are beautiful. Plus when he does his set live, he always adds in new bass lines or other new sounds and improvises right on the spot and makes sure that the whole crowd is having a great time whether or not you have some MDMA.
Death Grips BEN ROBERTS UNION STAFFER
Death Grips is a three person rap group from Sacramento, California. The three members are MC Ride on vocals, Zack Hill on drums, and Flatlander doing the production. They first came on the scene last year with the album Ex-Military and immediately blew up. They have such a distinct sound to them, that sometimes seems more like punk/hardcore than hip hop. Their live performances are always amazing and they sound great live, especially when Zak Hill improvises the drumming parts. Do not miss them. Radiohead: This one should be pretty self-explanatory. Radiohead, if you don’t alreay know who they are, they are a five piece “rock” group from England. They have their latest LP release last year, The King Of Limbs, which shows an even further progression in their sound. They have been recently touring the US and all the shows have been UNION WEEKLY
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!!"#$"%&!'#!"
PITCHER THIS... MOVIES AND TV WE WANT TO SEE
I
magine you’re a fat cat studio executive who is sitting in a brown leather chair with a fat cat on your lap loudly smacking its cat lips while eating something brown and fishy out of a bowl. For four hours straight, one after the other, in and out your door like sad prostitutes, are men
and women who look like the weird kids you knew in high school in semi-business attire. They sit in front of you and ask about your cat with a smile and you say something like, “Yeah, he’s fat and dumber than Jeff Daniels, blah blah blah, what’s your story?” Their face goes sallow and they
swallow hard as they begin to pitch you a movie/TV show that you should buy from them with a bank’s money and distribute it to millions all over the nation. Maybe this is a fresh idea, something based on a pulp fiction novella, or an idea they stole from some schmuck they knew in a film studies
NEAR HER CRAP
THAT WISH CRAY
GRANDEAD!
NATE MUSSER CONTRIBUTOR
Based on the Nicholas Sparks novel of the same name, Crap tells the romantic story of Foofy, a young woman with one leg who falls for Wade Sensitive, a reserve soldier with a dark side. Their lives are filled with passionate love and long hops along the beach, until Wade is suddenly re-stationed three towns away. In an instant, the lovers’ lives are turned upside down. Somehow, through letters and visits every other day, the two redefine what it truly means to love. Said Sparks in a recent interview, “I can literally write whatever the fuck I want and they’ll turn it into a movie.”
POOL SHARK MOLLY SHANNON UNION STAFFER
Pool Shark is an animated series about Archie, a Great White shark who escapes the Linkin Park Zoo and hides out in a run-down community pool. He poses as a new lifeguard, dealing with bratty kids, airhead teenagers, and a horny stay-at-home mom (Chelsea Handler). After sunset, Archie’s a pool player, traveling to sleazy Chicagoan bars to hustle for cheap change. With Bradley Cooper as “Archie,” Pool Shark highlights the gritty, less-glamorous side of Chicago. Upcoming episodes feature cameos from Chazz Palminteri as a toughtalkin’ crime boss and Drew Barrymore as a charming prostitute who falls for Archie.
HIGHE AND LOWE LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
After Rob Lowe’s success as Parks and Recreation superboss Chris Traeger, we can all agree that Lowe has hit another HIGH in hotness. Ask yourself, “What’s better than Rob Lowe on a sitcom?” TWO Rob Lowe’s on a sitcom. Hence, Highe and Lowe. Doubling a single actor is the quick ticket to big ratings, as demonstrated by Sarah Michelle Gellar on the hit show Ringer. Here, we push the technological envelope further by incorporating Lord of the Rings tech (one is a hobbit) and Honey I Blew Up the Kid tech (the other is a giant). A hobbit and a giant! The shenanigans (episodes) are limitless.
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9 APRIL 2012
HASKELL NETFLEX A SAD MAN
A harrowing reality show featuring Kanye West and Jay-Z, where they decide if a child’s last dying wish is “fresh” enough. If not, they say, “That wish cray,” and instead impose upon the poor child, possibly with leukemia or irreversible bowel damage, their own cool wish. Picture this: Kanye and Jay-Z walk into a hospital and meet a little girl who survived a car accident and is on life support. All she wants is to meet Drew Barrymore. “That wish cray,” they say. “Let’s fly Nicki [Minaj] here and do a music video with you as the star.” The child would respond, “I just want to meet Drew Barrymore.” They argue for a while. End.
class in college. Or it could be one of these. Here are some movie and TV pitches from Union Weekly contributors, staffers, and others mysteriously albeit loosely attached to this newspaper. Remember, you have millions of dollars to borrow from a bank. Choose wisely.
OCTOPUS GIRL GRUNION EDITOR
Coming Fridays this fall, what has 12 children, 26 grandchildren, and six months to live? It’s Grandead!, the show where we take ordinary grandparents with terminal illnesses, give them a parachute, and send them on a one way ticket to hell. If they die, we’ll just give their organs to someone on the Transplant waiting list. IT’S WIN-WIN! Ever see a granny face down a pack of wild dogs? Hell, yes! Wanna see ol’ peepaw jump a flaming car over a pool filled with gasoline? We’ll you’re not going to want to miss this! But don’t forget your Depends ’cause this shit is IN YOUR FACE! Hey gam-gam, it’s time for your dirt nap!
THE YO-YO MA
INSTAGRAMPS
NATE MUSSER
MELISSA CASAS ASSOCIATE EDITOR
CONTRIBUTOR
We open on a dark room filled with beer and cheese puffs, the only light emanating from the glow of a Macbook. A young man sits hunched over the keyboard, leering at the images on the screen as perspiration forms on his upper lip. A lustful gleam shines in his eyes as he mutters sweet nothings to the wrinkled individuals on the screen. “Oh, yeah, work that walker.” The man is in labor, about to give birth to his creation, womb juice and all. With one final click, he uploads his creation and moans, sweet release coursing through his bones. And thus, Instagramps comes into the world: a geriatric photo set for fetishistic Flickr users.
A single mother living in the projects of New York struggles just to make ends meet. One fateful night, her world is turned upside down when her son is kidnapped at gunpoint. A masked man says she’ll get her son back when he gets $10,000. With no other choice, she returns to a life she once knew all too well. The Underground Yo-Yo Tournament is the most dangerous competition in the world, but has a convenient grand prize of $10,000. This is the story of one woman’s triumph in the face of grief, who’ll stop at nothing to get her son back. This summer, Drew Barrymore is... Yo-Yo Ma.
VIRGINOPOLIS OCTOPUS GIRL GRUNION EDITOR
Two young teens are getting ready to go all the way in an abandoned ghost factory after an uneventful prom, probably ruined by the same douchebags who were in one of the Karate Kid movies. Danny, nervous about his first time, is getting ready to put his penis into Donna’s vagina when he gets sucked into a pocket dimension inside Donna’s vagina. Alone and with a boner that turns into an unbreakable sword when he gets scared, Danny sets off on a quest of a lifetime to get back to the real world before their limo comes at midnight and Danny is forced to go home a virgin.
OMGYN VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
With TV’s current landscape jam-packed with risqué female-driven sitcoms like 2 Broke Girls and Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23 comes OMGYN, a raunchy siscom (that’s short for sitcoms for sisters like you and me) that centers on Shemalia DaCuntree, Philadelphia’s wackiest gynecologist. Shemalia is a nononsense ob/gyn that tells it like it is, and all the while finding time to keep it real. Her catchphrases include, “Get ovary it, honey” and “You cunt be serious.” So get ready to grab life by the stirrups, cuz Shemalia’s busty, bold, brash, blind, and you better believe it, sister! Did I mention she’s blind? Well, she is.
SHINING
A LIGHT
ON GENIUS AUTHOR ADAM LEVIN
A
dam Levin is one of the rare geniuses writing as we live and breathe. Levin studied at Syracuse under the great George Saunders. After writing several short stories for McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Levin had his debut novel, The Instructions, published by McSweeney’s in 2010. Upon his book’s release, Levin was often compared to Philip Roth and David Foster Wallace (The Instruction’s page count of over 1,000 draws parallels to Wallace’s Inifinite Jest, and the quality and scope of the novels’ narratives are equally grand). But don’t worry if your not ready to dive into such a large novel (though the commitment is worthwhile) because Levin just released Hot Pink, a collection of short stories offering a taste of Levin’s talent.
!!"#$%"&$# THE INSTRUCTIONS (2010) LEO PORTUGAL LITERATURE EDITOR
According to scholars of Torah (the specific scholars cited in the following are Rabbi Matityahu Glazerson and Professor M. Haralick), the Messiah will be a human being born in normal fashion of ordinary parents. He will be a very righteous person and embody the highest standard of morality. He will miraculously battle the forces of evil and idolatry and succeed in destroying both. He will be the chief arbiter of justice to ascertain truth and falsehood. He will usher in a period of tranquility, peace, love, awe, and knowledge of God for all mankind. Judah Ben-Gurion Maccabee believes that he may become the Messiah. He’s also 10 years old. The Instructions are his written scripture. Adam Levin, in The Instructions (his novel, the fictional Gurion’s scripture), reveals the young Gurion as a highly intelligent, violent, and charismatic boy. Here, Levin has created a character that can carry a 1,000 page novel. Gurion, and Levin’s creation of him, is brilliant, entertaining, and heartbreaking. The highly intelligent Gurion is able to offer interestingly insightful anthropological and psychological explorations of everyone he meets: teachers, bullies, and even psychologists (and more). Gurion’s violent side adds another
interesting dynamic. His fear of no one, coupled with his fighting skills, brings about an interesting dichotomy; while few obstacles can stand in the skilled Gurion’s way, he seems to have consequently created other obstacles for himself when his violent actions cause him to be expelled from a school of Judaic studies. He is then relegated to Aptakisic Middle School’s “Cage”—a program meant to isolate the “problem children” from the school’s general population. But while Gurion is clearly a fighter, he is just as much a lover. Intertwined in the story is his endearing romance with Eliza June Watermark. The novel also explores Gurion’s loving relationship with his parents. His mother is a former soldier and forever a fighter; his father is a lawyer and a talker. Both of them are clearly visible in the makeup of Gurion. When they are all together, their conversations are made up of a dry wit akin to Larry David but truer, cutting through the bullshit while remaining playful. The grand arc of Gurion’s character is one for the ages. Just like the magnetic personality of Gurion, I was ceaselessly drawn to this novel. Everything about it is smart, sharp, and full of life. It is gutwrenchingly perfect.
HOT PINK (2012) ROSE FEDUK
Illustration
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
ROSE FEDUK
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Not being the avid reader that I’d like to be, I have found a book that is something of a miracle. As someone who lacks the willpower to get through a novel without abandoning it halfway through, Adam Levin’s newest collection of short stories, Hot Pink, gives myself and fellow lazy bums a chance to read genuinely good writing for chunks at a time. Each story introduces a well-crafted world full of thoughtful sentences, enticing characters, and generous helpings of humor. What I found most enjoyable about the book was the way in which Levin lovingly uses words. One of the stories, “Finch,” begins with the sentence, “The fifty-third day in a row we hung out, me and Franco got all these grilled cheese sandwiches at Theo’s BaconBurgerDog from Jin-Woo Kim, who people call ‘Gino’ cause we’re not in Korea or are in Chicago or people are lazy or two of those reasons,” which, despite appearing to pack together a bunch of arbitrary details (nothing about Levin’s writing is
ever really arbitrary), illustrates a sense of playfulness that is ever-present in Levin’s writing. Even still, a favorite quote of mine is towards the beginning of “The Extra Mile” where the narrator aptly describes the situation of himself and his geriatric, cardplaying buddies with the simple phrase, “Our wives are all dead and we sit around warping.” In the same paragraph, Levin seems to highlight a certain theme that runs through all of his stories: “This wheezing heckle, this sputtering raspberry, this vile string of punchlines life. Funny? Sure. But also cruel.” While some off-sounding elements give his stories an other-worldly feel, and quick summaries of said stories would probably produce a “What?” reaction from most people (like the story about a legless girl who insists her legs were bitten off by a leopard, contemplates God’s purpose for creating Adam, and seeks to discover the mystery of Carla Ribisi’s ass), Levin manages to stay grounded in reality with delicate character details and deftly-constructed scenes.
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HOT DOG!
!!"#!$%
IN SEARCH OF L.A. COUNTY’S TOP DOG Wurstküche
VINCENT CHAVEZ
W
CULTURE EDITOR
Mustard’s
CHELSEA STEVENS
urstküche is the best dog in this contest, paws down. Technically speaking, the Downtown LA eatery specializes in exotic grilled sausages like the Rabbit, Veal & Pork seasoned with white wine and the ever-popular Rattlesnake & Rabbit with Jalapeños, but if it tastes like a dog, smells like a dog, is served in a bun like a dog, then it’s a dog, my snooty friend. The menu includes a large selection of imported beers, Belgian fries served with homemade dipping sauces, and an assortment of gourmet sodas. I tried the Duck & Bacon with caramelized onions and sweet peppers and it was simply sausagetional, both tender and
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Let me begin by laying this out there: I am a huge fan of hot dogs. This makes me a great candidate for general hot dog tasting, because I’d eat a hot dog from a trashcan wrapped in dirty socks, but I’m not so great at actually discerning the quality of the dogs themselves. Discriminating against them makes me feel dirty inside, like I just said something racist. That said, on my personal hot dog scale of “moldy but edible” to “I would stick this in all my holes,” Mustard’s franks are pretty far up there. On the scale, not my holes. The first thing we noticed was the squishy, almost pillowy softness of their buns. If there were ever a thing to describe
Pink’s
UNION WEEKLY
9 APRIL 2012
as “supple” other than a woman’s breasts, it would be Mustard’s hot dog buns. They stick to the roof of your mouth, leaving a refreshing hint of sesame seed with every bite. I ordered a plain dog, dousing it with just a dash of ketchup for moisture, looking to get a mostly uninhibited taste of the sausage itself. I was not in the least bit disappointed. There wasn’t a huge change in consistency between the casing and its inner meat, which I actually prefer, but the meat provided so much juiciness I could have just eaten it by itself. The shop provides an exceptional Los Alamitos substitute to Weinerschnitzel, so stop settling and get your dogs from Mustard’s.
STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Pink’s Hot Dogs has three locations, but if you want the whole Pink’s Hot Dog experience, you’d be a fool to go anywhere except the Hollywood location on La Brea. You’ll stand in line anywhere from 45 minutes to four hours, legs aching, and every 15 minutes wishing the line would magically move really fast so you could get to the front already. It’s like waiting for Space Mountain at Disneyland, but instead of going on a ride you’re putting garbage in your intestines. So why are so many people willing to put themselves through this for a hot dog? Because hearsay does wonders. It’s been in LA forever and hundreds of people who at one point were considered a celebrity
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hearty. Also, the Belgian fries are a must. I recommend the curry ketchup for its spicy sweetness. Top it off with a Fentiman’s Victorian Lemonade (arguably pricey at $5 a pop) and you are set. Don’t let the foreign name and fancy soda list fool you, Wurstküche is as much a hipster hotspot as a bratwurst lover’s eatery of choice. The eating area is dominated by long cafeteria benches, so that groups of beanie-clad cool kids dine side by side with families in search of a delicious and (at $5.75) moderately priced wurst. It’s the kind of restaurant you could take your parents to that would impress them without making them feel like dinosaurs.
but are no longer culturally relevant have eaten there. It’s touristy, like going to the Hollywood sign. They have dozens and dozens of different hot dog combinations aside from their classic chili dog, like The Lord of the Rings Dog (with barbecue sauce and onion rings) and the Three Dog Night (three hot dogs with cheese, onions, chili, and bacon wrapped in a tortilla). It’s all about the experience, so whether or not you think this is worth it, you’ll never know until you try it yourself. Just go for it. You could get hit by a bus right now. Stop reading and look up right now to make sure that doesn’t happen.
DISSECT MY BRAIN
!!"#$% KEVIN NG
UNION STAFFER
PAULA DEEN: CURSED BURGERS AND HAUNTED HICCUPS
EASY
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1 2 3 7 8 5 6 9 4
6 9 8 3 4 1 2 5 7
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HARD
UNION STAFFER
JAMES G. MORALES
HARD
RAMBLED EGGS
ROSE FEDUK
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Disclaimer: This week, I attempted to take a satirical look at the world of wrestling. It’s impossible to encapsulate every aspect of what’s cool and dumb about wrestling so I tried my best. We are not ASI, nor represent the CSULB campus or maffew of botchamania. I’m just a girl that just found about wrestling last week. Email me at octogirl.grun@gmail.com with cool videos of people doing chain moves or some kind of sexy butt slapping. That’s why we’re here, right?
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FE%#G?BJB?!#M&FI%E%&GI%&G!G."#&BH&BAE& G!'%&DB'%&GB&'%%G&."$&@%.G&%.DI&BGI%E& AJ&A"G!?&GI%N&D."OG&'B9%&BE&#B'%B"%&$!%# BY OCTOPUS GIRL Octopus Girl: Tonight at Wrestlopolis, we’ve witnessed Ol’ Bertha give birth to a hand only to be thrown off a stage seconds later, as well as Officer Security feed his brother a dog. But up next, we’ll watch two titans of the ring leave everything in that ring. Standing next to me is one of the toughest and most muscular men to ever wear a leotard, Dr. Psycho Lesbian, and tonight he’ll face off with Super China. Dr. Psycho Lesbian: Wrestlopolis! Home of the greats. Ain’t no one gonna stop me. No one. No one, Octy. Watch me flex my arms. OG: Whoa, whoa, Dr. Psycho. Calm down. Save some for the ring. Or for me later. Whatever. I don’t care. Do with me as you wish. You’ve beaten everyone in the ring: Arabian Fred, King Lear, Shasta Elf, and Hulk Hitler. Today you’re taking on Super China, who some say has had your number for the last couple weeks. What do have to say to your detractors? DPL: Detractors? More like Gay Raptors! Because when I’m done with them, they’re going to wish they were gay because I just gave them the beating of their—oh. No! Wait! OG: Oh my. I think I just inked all over my shins. DPL: That’s not what I meant to say. What I wanted to tell Super China is that I know what I’m going to do to you, Super China, tonight. I am going to pick you up into these
well defined muscles and have my way with you. You won’t know what’s coming until it’s too late. OG: So you’re going to make him come? I think I just came into my already inked underloons. DPL: No, no, no. I’m going to destroy his ching chong ass all ov— OG: I don’t think you can say that on TV. Someone please let me know, can we say the “A-S-S” word on television? DPL: I think you can. My brother works for the station. OG: Oh really? What’s that job like? It sounds very interesting. DPL: He says he likes it a lot, but you can kind of see it in his eyes that he hates it. Also, his wife is really mean. OG: That’s not good. Well if he were my man, I’d let him be mean to me. Sexually. Like to my vagina. Full on penetration into my beak—uh vaginas. DPL: Made me lose my train of thought, Octy. Now where was I? OG: Something about that movie with the robot that wants to be a human, but can’t because he’s a robot. DPL: What? Really. Fuck. I mean. Fudge. Well I wanted to say something other than that. Something moving. OG: Something like you’re going to beat him up dead? DPL: My muscles are rippling from that one. Getting me ready to take it to Super China. He doesn’t have a chance. If I learned
anything from going to school to get my doctorate in ass kicking, it’s that if you go up against me, a man that wins 100% of the time. I’m never going to lose to a turkey like him. I’ve never lost at Wrestlopolis, so you add that to my already 100% record and I’m at 150%. Super China just started a few weeks ago, so he can’t really go up against me, so you have to subtract that from his chances of winning and add that to my score. Also, he’s a bitch, so that takes him down a bit, I’d say like 32%. Add on his genetic predisposition to be Chinese and that he doesn’t stand a chance against me to the original thing about me being the best ever and multiply it
to what I said before and I’m like at 1000%. Everybody knows you can’t beat that. He’s half the man that I am and I have half the brain that he has, and week after week he’s tried to make him look like a jackass, but you can’t beat someone with an IQ of 100! OC: K. DPL: I’m going to put him between my legs and give me the dominator for the one, two, three, like Jesus intended. INTERVIEW OVER! OC: You heard it here first. Dr. Psycho Lesbian says he’s leaving with the title. Now we’re off to the ring where the Duchess of Spain will introduce our combatants.
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After the much heated, debated, rebated, not sedated clash between the tyrannical majority and minority, a class in Tuscon College’s Mexican-American Studies program has been stricken from the course catalogue permanently for reportedly teaching students “Lucha Libre,” the traditional art of Mexican wrestling. In a postcourt hearing at the state legislature last Tuesday, college president and stupid fucking white man Richard Callahands stated: “They were militarizing ‘em. Defensitizing ‘em. If we wouldn’t have stopped them, our history of being a white, ruthless, and pitiless majority would have been threatened.” According to students in the class, there was no actual wrestling going on, but they did bring family heirlooms to class as part of a family heritage celebration. “Well…still,” Callahands responded. “I saw things get hairy in a $ADI%##&!'J%E#B".G%#&KB!"K& Rubios once. Just sayin’.”
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