Since You've Been Gone by Union Weekly

Since You’ve Been Gone

Welcoming new changes at The Beach August 25 Volume 75.1 lbunion.com

Issue 75.1

“There was a scene cut out of Big Fat Liar where I had to wear a dress. This may sound kind of weird, but I really enjoyed shooting that scene.” Frankie Muñiz, Actor

LBUnion.com Molly Shannon, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Alfred Pallarca, Managing Editor alfredp.union@gmail.com Connor O’Brien, Art Director connor.union@gmail.com Trevor Desrosiers, Advertisting Executive advertising@lbunion.com Eduardo Vargas, Distribution Manager distribution@lbunion.com ART & DESIGN Sam Winchester, Photo Editor samw@gmail.com Rose Feduk, Illustration Editor rose.union@gmail.com Abdallah Seoud, Assistant Art Director abdallah.seoud@gmail.com Michael Tewasart, Assistant Art Director tewasartm@live.com Truc Nguyen, Web Manager web@lbunion.com

EDITORIAL Matt Winans, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Veronica Craft, Community Editor community@lbunion.com Joey Estrada, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com Renee Schmiedeberg, Arts Editor arts@lbunion.com Katie Cortez, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Fernando Bogarin, Music Editor music@lbunion.com

Makin’ Moll Talk

By Molly Shannon Illustration by Rose Feduk

How much does Shrek weigh? Answer: enough to break the ice. Howdy, I’m Molly Shannon, the brand-spankin’-new editorin-chief of this newspaper thing we like to call the Union Weekly. Things you should know about me: I’m really tall—six feet, to be exact. I currently have blonde/pink hair, and I adore wigs, pop culture, and animals that can talk. See, nervous freshmen and transfer students? You already know at least one person on this big-ass campus! Give me a holler if you spot me near Starbucks or something. Plus, if you lucky freshman/ transfer student, you were wise enough to pick up this glorious issue (despite already being overwhelmed by the big-ass campus)! You obviously have good taste in universities (and newspapers). On the other hand, if you are a returning ’49er, you might be feeling the exact opposite of “overwhelmed.” Maybe you’re sighing to yourself, thinking, “Great. Another year at the same old school, with the same old people, with the same old things. I really

getting excited about certain ideas, only to stop and worry about what students, faculty, or even “old Union” would make of them. Would they enjoy reading about our trip to The Price Is Right? Do they even care that we have an Instagram account? But the thing about ‘change’ is, you can never truly predict whether its outcome will be positive or negative, or whether someone will be a fan or a “hater,” as the kids say—you just have to hope it’s for the best. Either that, or just say, “Hey! I do what I want!” and just go for it. The bottom line is that change can be a good thing. Don’t stress about it, embrace it! And follow your dreams and all that.

want some pizza.” I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong. Not about the pizza, about the ‘same’ thing. You may not have realized it just yet, but a lot of things have changed— in this school, in this city, even in this very paper! And that’s actually what this issue is about—changes. Even we are not the same old Union Weekly that you have grown to love/hate. During the brief span of this summer, a fresh crop out extensively, and we acquired new page

features both locale and campus news); “Athletics” will be present every week rather into three new sections: “Arts,” “Travel,” and “Lifestyle.” Basically what all this means is that we have become a bigger, better newspaper, and it’s all for you, reader! At first, to be perfectly honest, I was afraid to make these changes, among others. A couple of times I would catch myself

Camille Hove, Lifestyle Editor lifestyle@lbunion.com Chrissy Bastian, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Bea Villa, Food Editor food@lbunion.com Alex Berman, Travel Editor travel@lbunion.com Gumby, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com

ASSISTANT & COPY EDITORS Jonathan Gutierrez, Rebecca Komathy, Jacky Linares, Elizabeth Nguyen, Heather Sandburg

since 1977

LAUGHS

Lots ‘o’ love, Molls P.S. I want to give a big, fat shout-out to Rose Feduk and Marco Beltran, who helped me out so much this summer, as well as my

LAUGHS LAUGHS LAUGHS

LAUGHS LAUGHS

@ USU 116

CONTRIBUTORS Alison Ernst, Tony Acero, Josie Mandala, Bradford Chin, Michael Wood, Sierra Patheal, Thomas Fogg CONTACT US Long Beach, CA 90815 E-mail: info@lbunion.com

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the Union Weekly, ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are

Intro

Being Gay Is Still a Big Deal Like it or not, sexuality is a part of your identity By Thomas Fogg As a whole, people these days seem to be more open and accepting of different cultures, religions, and sexualities. People in the LGBTQ community in particular have been a crucial driving force in changing the way people view the faults in our society. Just six years ago, voters passed Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in California by a 52 percent majority. Fast-forward six years and this discriminatory proposition has since been overturned. Moreover, the mere idea of such a thing ever passing seems ludicrous in our current sociopolitical climate in California. In fact, even a nationwide Washington Post/ ABC News poll in March 2014 found support for same-sex marriage at 59 percent and opposition at 34 percent. With these numbers it seems hard to believe that being gay is really that big of a deal anymore, right? I often hear sentiments like this being uttered with complete sincerity even by friends who

have experienced many times. I go to a party with some straight friends and some drunk stranger said to another stranger, “Dude don’t be such a faggot.” Being gay, now I feel personally in danger even if the slur wasn’t directed at me. The belligerent drunk dude obviously associates being gay with something negative. I better not hold my boyfriend’s hand as not to put us in danger. Meanwhile my straight couple friends are happily holding hands, oblivious to my plight. But no, being gay isn’t that big of a deal anymore. When I meet someone for the first time in class, I’m always conscientious of how stereotypically gay I am acting. Is this person cool with gay people? Will they treat me differently once they find out? These are questions that always run through my mind when I meet someone. It would be nice to feel like my sexuality doesn’t matter, but the fact is it usually does even in an interpersonal sense. Obviously, someone not wanting to be my friend because of my sexuality is frustrating. However, the more common issue is my friends treating me as the gay friend after I come out to them. This can take the form of people responding to my coming out with phrases like, “Now I’ll finally have a shopping buddy.” Straight guys will often say things like, “You’re really cool for a gay guy.” Even with a vast majority of reactions being positive, people still treat me differently, attaching all sorts of stereotypes to me. But remember, being gay isn’t that big of a deal anymore. How big of a deal being gay is really isn’t for a straight person to decide. It’s for me. Just because it isn’t an issue for you doesn’t mean it’s not still an issue. My sexuality is not something I want looked over. Don’t pretend that you didn’t

“Is this person cool with gay people? Will they treat me

this line of thought alarming. Here’s why: While the strides in LGBTQ rights over the past decade and in particular the past few years has been rapid and exciting, there is still a long road ahead. To be fair, I don’t blame my straight friends for not realizing the importance of being LGBTQ to one’s identity; luckily, it’s something they never really have to think about. Because being straight is most common, sexuality is not as intrinsically tied to heterosexual sociopolitical identity as LGBTQ identity. LGBTQ rights, to a heterosexual, is a subject that only needs to be on his or her mind when it’s brought up in their political science class. However, the LGBTQ community cannot simply leave the subject of their marginalization back in the classroom. Imagine a scenario like this—one that I

Opinions

start trying to figure out if I was gay the moment I opened my mouth. Nobody is blind to identity. Saying identity isn’t a big deal may be better than hating someone for their identity, but in doing so you are saying that you do not want to learn more about a very big part of them. It erases rather than embraces. It tolerates rather than accepts. For the perceivable future, the LGBTQ identity is one that will come with its own set of struggles in a heteronormative society

10% off —any order for— CSULB students

even if legal equality is reached. To win the that there is a battle to be fought. It’s been a battle that has been fought in the shadows of society for far too long. Only now are Ours is a movement born of rebellion,

along with us.

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The AllSeeing Eye

By Matt Winans

To most people the All Seeing Eye is a symbol of the Illuminati, or the Dark Lord Sauron. Yet to me, it’s the perfect symbol for the NSA. The National Security Agency in its unconstitutional power grabs to spy on US citizens has access to unfathomable amounts of data, not just any data, but highly personal data that can reveal so much about a person’s life. It’s not only unlawful but also downright creepy. The data that the NSA collects can reveal more about a person than you realize. Through the trillions of gigabytes that the NSA collects on a daily basis, routine habits can be observed. Based on how often you

Illustration by Rose Feduk

your typical day. Not only that, but through

The NSA is creepy

are on a whim. Sleep and travel patterns can be observed and documented all without your conscious knowledge by agents hundreds of miles away. Imagine for a moment that you had the

with, where they regularly travel to; you could even turn on the camera of their laptop, or smartphone and start taking pictures without having the victim ever even being aware that such a thing was occurring. That kind of power would make Lord Varys, The Spider, The Master of Whispers giddy with excitement! Now that’s fucking creepy. So why do we allow for such a creepy thing to occur? It truly boggles my mind. What’s even creepier to me is who is doing the spying.

power that NSA wields now. You can data mine information like no other. You could

Any Facebook or G-mail user must have

observed by now is that those companies will analyze the messages you send or the pages you like to come up with advertisements they think are relevant to you. While that’s still creepy in and of itself, at least their motives are clear: they want to make money like any other businesses. However it’s the Federal Government that’s running the largest spying operation known to man. The motives of the Fed are as nebulous and ever changing as the cosmos itself.

Opinions

(Left) Treasurer Kalien Clark, President Joe Phillips, Vice President Nayiri Baghdassarian; (Right) Chief

Getting to Know Your Execs A spotlight on the ASI executives for 2014-2015 As you walk around campus, there are a few things you see on a regular basis: the University Student Union, advertisements for events and clubs, lounge spaces dedicated to course studies, and much more. All of these commodities fall under one category: ASI. Many people have heard of ASI, but are unaware of what it means, whom it encompasses, and those who lead it. ASI encompasses all of the CSULB student body by working towards advocating for and executives that lead ASI and the beginning of the fall semester is a perfect opportunity to get to know them.

cultivates her abilities by participating in various art shows; she recently participated in a super hero-themed show. As chief, Jenkins supervises thirteen cabinet members and serves as a “go-to person” for the ASI president. Jenkins previously served as the worked toward bringing about awareness of domestic violence and sexual assault government because she believed she could make an impact and has made many positive changes since being involved. Jenkins encourages diversity within ASI in order to fully represent the student body and, along with President Joe Philips, has appointed a diverse cabinet to aid them in serving the students of CSULB. Joe Phillips was elected president of ASI earlier this year after previously holding the positions of ASI senator of the College

American Studies and International Studies after already receiving his associates degree in Liberal Arts at Golden West Community College. Phillips is a student and parent, who spends as much time as he can with his daughter and family. Despite his busy CSULB sporting events, going to the rec center, and writing for the Union Weekly. Elected along with Joe Phillips, is Vice President Nayiri Baghdassarian, a Political

By Josie Mandala

herself, you will often hear Nayiri confess to

people and listening to the ideas of students.

is always open and encourages students to contact her with any questions, comments, and concerns that they may have. Throughout the year, CSULB hosts

programming board table at Week of Welcome on September 3rd and 4th to get involved with

programs. This year, Imani Cooper, will be

We have event planners and executives who lead ASI government, but none of those

Cooper is a third year here at CSULB and is a

having the appropriate funding. For that,

to her dream of being an actress. As Chief her baccalaurete in English with a minor in

government. Baghdassarian formerly held the positions: Vice President of Associated Students at Citrus College, ASI Vice

Policy and eventually earn her doctorate in

members plan and execute events proposed by students and ASI members that take place here on campus. Such events include: the upcoming Smorgasport and Week of Welcome. Cooper and her team are always looking for volunteers to help at events, and wants students to know that her door is always open because she loves meeting new

in Business Administration with an emphasis in Marketing. As treasurer, Clark manages a $15 million operating budget, serves as the checking accounts and, she is responsible for the budgeting and distribution of funds throughout ASI. A fun fact about Kalien is that she is “obsessed” with dogs, especially her goals for this year is to get more involved with the students on campus. She hopes to be more hands on, and see the developments of the clubs and organizations that she helps to fund and support through her position. Keep an eye out for your ASI executives and share with them your concerns and ideas for this year; they can all agree that they are students here at CSULB.

Chief of Staff Jay Jenkins

Community

“...it’s all a part of the experience, baby, ”

Forget the Best, Love the Rest By Joey Estrada Ladies and gentlemen, the world did not end in 2012 as it was predicted but it damn well should have! For we now live in the darkest times mankind has ever known. Apparently, we must accept the unbearable truth that

For one week every year at the end of summer, the world’s elite surfers gather in contest, which just so happens to be the largest surf contest in the world, and the sluts, and drunk teenagers. It is a spectacle unlike any other, and yet all up and down the beach you will hear the masses lament that the poor old US Open has lost its way.

skateboarding, and (sigh) BMX—people has taken that seat behind the backseat to this circus on the sand. But I implore you to fret not, dear would-be surf fan, for these sentiments are an unfounded load of shit as the US Open has never really been about the —at least not the Open as we know it today. Now, I am the type who will gladly stay awake well into the early hours of the morning to watch the live webcast of contests it is a hell of a struggle to make myself sit

the summer time. That is to say, even as a

serious surf fan, it’s hard to take the US Open too seriously. It’s just not interesting, and as a result, we must take all of that anxious summer energy elsewhere (cue the other

For those who insist they care, however, “hometown hero” Brett Simpson (USA) predictably fell somewhat short of claiming his third Open victory, barely squeaking

that taste like the underside of an old lawn mower, religious fanatics, and “free hugs.”). There’s no need to try to separate one’s self from all this ancillary action—it’s all a part of

Filipe Toledo (BRA) ended up taking home the big check in the men’s pro division. Matt Banting (AUS) swept the junior men’s in the men’s division. Tyler Wright (AUS)

gift to you! Waves suck? No problem! Just sit back and crack that vodka-Gatorade (you sneaky dog, you) while you get weird with the rest of SoCal in Huntington Beach for the week instead. No need to worry, there will still be plenty of shitty summer waves for you to surf when the circus leaves town and the hangover sets in.

this went down as Kelly Slater (USA) was markedly absent from the contest altogether due to a supposed injury, much to the dismay of many weekend-warrior surf fans.

Athletics

I Got A Rock A summer desert sojourn, captured with my Nikon

Words and Photos by Bradford Chin

Earlier this month, my family and I had the opportunity to road trip to Moab in southeastern Utah with the intent of photographing the breathtaking desert landscapes found in the area’s various state and national parks. During our several days in Moab, we visited Arches and Canyonlands National Parks and Dead Horse Point State Park. We had to, of course, make sure that we were adequately equipped for our quest. I used my Nikon D3100 and my Sigma 1850mm lens and shot in RAW NEF format. To ensure maximum quality, I accessorized my camera with circular polarizers, color

equipped on site and help with later photo editing. The color card acts as a reference, in case you want to restore the photograph to its “true” and original color. My dad and I used

the level of sliced bread. In layman’s terms,

throughout our trip. The biggest challenge was photographing the sunrise at the renowned Mesa Arch in Canyonlands National Park. The shot we wanted to capture the most was the moment the rising sun peeks through an arch and outlines it in silver and gold. Shots very similar to this one are often publicized in magazines and guidebooks. With the rising sun’s particular timing it’s all or nothing. Of course, with my luck, we had the misfortune of sharing our morning with a few discourteous visitors who disregarded the signs saying to keep away from the arch. So I relegated to enjoying the sunset from a small rocky vista away from and above the arch, but enjoy it, I did. If given the opportunity to road trip to Utah again, I would probably decline the

used to darken areas of the shot that are too bright for a camera’s sensors. For example, this would make the blue of the sky in my pictures more vivid. Similarly, color cards are

camera in ways I had never explored before and as a result, I feel much better prepared and equipped for what amazing things I will see next with my eyes and through my lens.

wilderness, it’s smart to lessen the chances of your camera malfunctioning as much as possible. This warranted carrying such items lens wipes. Personally, I think that in the world of

Different-er Hairs

By Renee Schmiedeberg

How to feel “magical” with a daring new ’do Change, like pesto, is delicious (and spreadable). We need it in every area of life, unless we wish to live bland, tasteless lives— and hair is no exception. I believe we all have an understanding of summertime being a prime time for antics and experimentation. Almost as soon as summer dawned, I stripped the black from my hair to an almost platinum blonde. I’ve never changed my hair color before and as many people know, bleach (the cosmetologists will call this “lightner” for can be very harmful to your hair. I did all the bleaching myself and went through various stages of Tang-colored hair, taking several months to bleach and heal, bleach and heal. It is a fascinating thing to look down at my hair and see something not black hanging down around my ears. My mom hated my new hair. She made

Arts

no ambiguity about it. Then again, my mom hates everything. As my hair became increasingly blonder, my mother’s wisecrack favorite was “golden monkey.” As a bleachette, I would say bleach it up if you know you want it—just make sure you repair your hair and treat it really well so I grew to love the blonde, even though I’d seen unnatural blondes on the street and thought to myself, “Oh, I’ll never do that.” But blonde was never the goal. My true objective was to turn my black locks into the cascading lavender ringlets of pixies or fairies (or Tumblr girls). However, I became discouraged, thinking my tan coloration, though lovely with deeper colors, would not sit well with light colors. My curiosity eventually overpowered my fear, and I did it anyway. The lilac locks

made me feel magical. Friends and family gathered around, referring to me as “the with mirthful glee. Contrary to what many people believe, lavender looks fantastic with tan or darker skin tones. If anything like that is stopping you from going pastel, forget about it! Mysterious things happen when you throw your fears to the wayside and live your life.

A breathtaking shot from a cliff at Island in the Sky, Canyonlands National Park, Utah (left), and Twisted Doughnut Arch, Arches National Park (right), and a closeup of the arch’s underside in Arches National Park (bottom).

Illustration by Rose Feduk

words by Alfred Pallarca images by Connor O’Brien

Some of the best amenities we take advantage of would not exist without somebody thinking something has to change. We’d still be using Walkmans if Steve Jobs had not invented the iPod. Perhaps we’d still be publishing magazines using typewriters if Bill Gates had not revolutionized the computer system. The ability to change is a necessity for a species, an individual, or, say, a university campus, to continue to have a prosperous existence. Every semester, we pick new classes for our schedule to progress our knowledge minors.

choose

Currently CSULB is increase our involvement to also changing— it is in the take our careers further, and process of transitioning possibly gain worthwhile into a greater campus, experiences. Some of us have to pick a new diet to to its faculty, students, and achieve a better lifestyle or avoid getting sick from this in mind, I urge you to certain intolerances. And, familiarize yourself with let’s face it—some of us the new changes coming have might have even had to to CSULB by reading the change the group of friends following pages as our new we hang out with, simply and old editors introduce because our old friends did to you what the university not share the same interests has in store for everybody. or goals anymore. For The campus is innovating whatever reason, change itself for your service, to is around us, repeatedly revolutionize your learning happening everyday. It is process, and become a unavoidable and perhaps greater you! the most important thing in to our life to thrive. FEATURE

Name Game

is to provide a space available to the students,

Holy Conoley

By Molly Shannon

By Elizabeth Nguyen learn about the importance of growing food There was a time in my life when somebody locally and participating in gardening. When With the fall semester in commencement, would ask me, “Where do you go to college?” it’s time to adjust to change. One important be able to manage their own plots to grow and I would know exactly what to say. Now, change is a new leader at Long Beach. In comes I just get tongue-tied and run away crying. fruits, vegetables, spices etc., to take home for Jane Close Conoley. She is our newly inducted If you haven’t heard, our university is going their own personal use. It’s an initiative that president. Yes, our new president is a “she”— through somewhat of an identity crisis. The promotes sustainability, an active community, and local food sources. The community garden school. On top of that, she has experience under over the span of its existence (California State her belt, which means she is well-prepared University, Long Beach; Cal State Long Beach; Isabel Patterson Child Development center CSU Long Beach; Long Beach State; LBSU; (where the old volleyball courts are). Look on how to improve what makes Long Beach a CSULB; The Beach), which has inadvertently forward to the development of this project, great university. Based on her messages (found led to confusion, inconsistency, and a lack as it will be a great starting point for beginner on the school website), Conoley writes of her gardeners and great convenience for any green and organizations. Because of this, an actual thumbs as well. CSULB is the life and character it contains “movement” has recently begun to attempt to help “rebrand” us, through minimizing the number of logos, slogans, names, and the like, that are associated with CSULB. From a marketing or “business” perspective, this campaign makes sense, but the public has expressed mixed opinions. While several alumni and students are down for the cause, having referred to our school as “Long Beach State” for years, the major arguments against the possible name change include concerns of losing the “prestige” of being linked to the CSU system, which ties into the possibility of modernizing or even completely ridding of dubbed ‘Long Beach State’, I wouldn’t mind. That’s only three syllables! Don’t people get tired of saying “Cal-if-or-ni-a State U-ni-ver-sity Long Beach?” (13 syllables)?

You Grow Beach By Fernando Bogarin The community garden project was started by a group of students who founded the club known as “Grow Beach.” Their goal with the garden

FEATURE

Don’t Smoke on Me By Alfred Pallarca With the stress of the college life, it is inevitable for several college students to enjoy a stick of cigarette between their breaks. I personally enjoy one of these cancer sticks here and there. However, I know that these things are extremely bad for one’s health, and I also understand that not everybody wants to be around the nasty-smelling smoke. Under university rules, one must be 100 feet away from a building entrance when one is slowly and willingly deteriorating his or her lungs. With that said, it seems that when electronic cigarettes (e-cigs) surfaced, smokers seemed

She’s an attentive person—she understood the “atmosphere” of Long Beach in a short amount of time. I congratulate Conoley on making CSULB and hope for a worthwhile and enjoyable term as president.

Staying Classy By Molly Shannon

Have you been yearning to dive into the world of Production Design? How about brushing up on your Tagalog? There are a handful of new classes, subjects, majors and minors that have arrived just in time for the fall 2014 semester. from regular cigarettes. However, this new The additions include, but are not limited to: school year brings some new changes regarding Tagalog (TGLG), which is an “introduction the topic. E-cigs are now banned and will be to the pronunciation, grammar, essential treated just like the regular cigarettes. Fear no vocabulary, reading, and conversation” of more because that douchey mustachioed guy the modern Filipino language; Educational Opportunity Program (EOP), which introduces and orients students to college and campus life; longer hunt your classes or your nostrils.

essentially a combination of A/ST and ASAM. Some majors have simply been renamed, such as “Speech Language Pathology,” formerly known as “Communicative Disorders,” while others are completely new altogether or have new professors, such as FEA 314, Theatrical Film Symposium—this cinematic class was headed by Professor Gary Prebula for several years, but this fall will be passed down to the newly hired Professor Muto. It will concentrate CSULB. The Women’s Gender/Sexuality/STDs (WGSS) program has also made strides, adding a few classes to its collection such as WGSS 301, 356, 415, 420, and 455—“Feminist Research Methods,” “Lesbian Histories and Culture,” “Feminist Debates,” “Mothers and Daughters,” and “Philosophical Perspectives on Sex and Love,” respectively.

Not Your Average Joe By Alfred Pallarca After two years of governance by John and faces. Joseph Phillips, the former ASI Chief Nayiri Baghdassarian, former ASI Secretary mate, was elected as the new vice president. Meanwhile, Kalien Clark, ASI Senator-at-Large, was elected as the new ASI Treasure. Phillips and his executive team have already carried out several important goals for the coming school year including the After Hours Study Center, setting up the foundations for the University Garden, and implementing several scholarship programs particularly for studying abroad. “I want our students to have every tool at their disposal to be able to make themselves

percent of the vote. He even attended Long The Domino Effect Beach State, where he was the President of ASI By Camille Hove and graduated with a BA in Communications, so you know he is keeping our futures in mind. I’m so sick of pizza rubbing between my thighs. He has openly stated that he would rather employ residents as opposed to outsourcing to private contractors, even if outsourcing is include bread, dough, and more bread? Talk about a carb load. Let’s get the rowing team responsible leader with a positive outlook, over here. I’m so excited that George’s Greek which really stands out amongst some other Café is buying real estate at CSULB. A little politicians’ bleak perspectives. Something Mediterranean cuisine in between Aerospace about him seems fresh and approachable—it’s and Calculus sounds like an angel just landed probably because he’s on Twitter. on my taste buds and sprinkled happiness. In addition to new Greek food, a new smoothie stand is replacing the old one (original, right?) Carpe Noctem with the suggestive name of “Squeeze Me.” By Alfred Pallarca Squeeze me, where? The Nugget Express will Have you ever wondered what it is like to be picking up in the battleground of the former live on campus or what creepy crawlers hang “Cali Cocina.” Yes, no more taco Tuesdays, you around after hours? However, just like me, you poor bastards. It will be focused on pizza. Is are too broke to dorm or live near campus? that all you guys want? Pizza? Fine! I’ll be over Well, thanks to the newly implemented After Hours Study Center, which will be located in the West Wing of the USU, my commuter brethren and I can now stay on campus for as long as 24 hours a day. The center will open at 11PM, which is about when everything else is closing on campus, and stay open until 7AM, most likely ditch twice a week) will start. Don’t be too worried about your safety walking back to Lot 4, the parking space dedicated for these night owls, the Campus Police Department is completely aware of this program and will happily assist anybody if necessary.

Campus Gets a Facelift by Sam Winchester

I feel like it’s been forever since they started and more internationally related,” said Phillips. remodeling the LA buildings, and some of us He said that he wants to focus on issues directly were completely oblivious to what was really going on there. For those who still do not know impacting the students on campus. what lies behind that mysterious blue fence— they’re not harvesting alien eggs, regular eggs, Somewhere Over the or any crazy theories I may have mentioned. Rainbow They’re modernizing the 60-year-old buildings by Rebecca Komathy that desperately needed an upgrade in case In the years that I have lived in Long Beach, I of seismic activity and for better accessibility have fallen in love with how liberal, progressive, in buildings 2, 3, and 4, not to mention the and diverse the youth of the LBC has become aesthetic improvements in both the interior over the conservative ways of older generation and exterior of the buildings. You’ll notice other currently living here. Case and point, newly elected Mayor Robert Garcia. He’s Latino (Peruvian for that matter), openly gay, and the is pretty dope in my opinion. So there you go youngest mayor this city has ever had. During folks, that’s what the school is doing with our the time of the election, Garcia won with 52 money—a makeover! FEATURE

Dance Your Heart Out, Channing Tatum By Katie Cortez Step Up

Step Up:

All In

Think You Can Dance”

“So You “Step Up”

The Vortex

All In is

Step Up 2: The Streets (2008)

All In

The Streets

Step Up: Revolution (2012)

Step Up (2006)

The Streets

Step Up 3D (2010)

Revolution

Dance? Step Up

So You Think You Can Step Up

Step Up: All In (2014)

Illustrations by Rose Feduk

Entertainment

Welcome to Joyce Manor An introduction to the joy of punk rock By Michael Wood Joyce Manor has come an awful long way throughout the past few years. From the time I discovered them my senior year of high school, with their high energy and incredibly soulful self-titled album, to the past year or so where they have become a sort of punk music lingua franca by which all members of this local scene could communicate. They have never failed to impress and entertain all people who just want to sing loud and be proud about their leather jackets, failed romances, and drunken nights of self discovery. So when I found out they were playing at the El Rey Theater in Los Angeles, I had to go. There were no more excuses for me to skip out on a show of theirs now. I had the money, I had a car reliable enough to get me up there and I had a night free. It was time for me to see the closest thing I had to a musical idol on stage and I knew

that they had a lot to live up to. Friends had talked endlessly about their energy, their enthusiasm, and their commitment to being a band that would be remembered for its live performances over all else. So naturally, I came into the show eager to see them, and guarded should they disappoint and fail to meet the ridiculously high expectations I had for them. This was not a problem though. From the moment they entered the stage, after about 20 minutes of raw anticipation

they had proven despite signing with a larger record label, despite receiving radio play in the graveyard of rock music, KROQ, they managed to maintain everything that had made them darlings of the underground

into words; however, I’ll attempt it anyway. Joyce Manor is the sort of band that could manage to take a sold out theater full of everyone from grizzled scene veterans to kids fresh out of high school and make them feel like one. At times, the vocals of lead singer Barry Johnson felt almost unnecessary; they were crowded out by the sing along of the mass of people who seemed to know every line of every song he performed. During much of the performance, it was easy for a fan to get so swept up in the atmosphere of the crowd that it was nearly impossible to notice the crowd seemed to be overpowering the vocals of the band. The energy overpowered the youthful and energetic crowd much of the time and resulted in a crowd that was overcome with the performance and behaved like a tidal

and forth with such force that it wore me out after only a few songs (keep in mind, most Joyce Manor songs are only 2 minutes long). This however wasn’t a violent mosh pit like you might have come to expect from punk acts; it was in its own way, incredibly serene and careful, allowing those who had been pushed around too much for their taste an easy exit with minimal scrapes and bruises. Overall, seeing Joyce Manor at El Rey

draws people you never knew liked this sort of music out of the woodwork just to listen. Signing with a big label like Epitaph doesn’t hinder the creative spirit of an amazing

no more than 15 dollars, and a couple hours of your time.

Their performance is difficult to put

Music

Paint Me Like One of Your French Girls Nude posing for artists inspires

By Marissa Stokes I untie my robe and slip it off. It would be cold if it weren’t for the nerves and the heavy warmth from the spotlight. I let the robe drop on top of my flats to the side. I avoid them, but I can feel a few pairs of eyes taking in my shape. My heart picks up and I quickly tap the timer and fall into stillness. The first pose is always a bit shaky. Beginning jitters. My breathing is uneven and I feel my left leg twitching. It’s probably not going to stop so I try to think about what pose to pick next. Different direction, different twist, weight transfer. The abrupt flutter of the timer enters, snapping me out of the pose, interrupting the artists from their strokes. Alarms remind me of a bird stuck in a room. It flies in and causes everyone to stop and panic. The next poses progressively get longer. Arms up, legs spread, turned head, sit down,

it for fun, but it happens to keep working out

feels hotter. My skin presses on other parts of my skin and the sweat steadily leaks. I don’t move, despite the wet tickle of the drops tumbling down my sides and leaving through

because this is not Victoria’s Secret. Even more, this is not porn. I know that the nudity is not for everyone, and it seems to be the most shocking part to others when I tell them what I do. For me though, the naked part is not what concerns me most when I stand there before small groups of artists. Sure, some of my insecurities might start to seep in at some points, but the nudity is an after thought to my focus on performing well. The artists are relying on me to stay still, to keep a pose for long periods of time. Sometimes, continuing the same exact pose as before a break. I have to remember the positioning of my head, the placement of my feet, the

rubbing at the papers and canvases. part-time work. I met someone earlier in I found it fascinating to learn more about it, searching around for some art studios and emailed them to see if they were willing to have a new model. Most welcome it and, I think, appreciate the new inspiration.

Lifestyle

of my standing, sitting, and reclining before small groups of artists for usually three hours in intervals ranging from one minute

“This kind of modeling is not about being sexy or skinny.” to 25 minutes. The artists in these classes are usually learning how to draw (or other their artistic understanding of proportions,

mostly on one leg or one arm and sometimes those limbs fall asleep.

It’s not easy, and many times, it is painful. And it’s one of the most satisfying experiences for me. After three hours of nothing but stillness and engaging my core in just my bare skin, there is nothing I have found yet that makes me feel better about my body—something I have struggled with in the past. I appreciate my muscles, joints, and skin. I am proud that I have a body that works, and it makes me want to take even better care of it. This kind of modeling is not about being sexy or skinny or having the right shape. It is about how the light creates shadows along the curves, and creases, and ripples, and bones of the human body. It’s about strength, health, patience, control, expression, meditation,

High Exposure By Janna Jesson My mom tells people I’ve always been an exhibitionist. When I was pretty young, I didn’t think my body was anything to be ashamed of. I’d run around in my little diaper,

anthropology and a human sexuality class, and decided I was no longer a Christian after a lot of thought and a bit of prayer. When I turned 18, I was still living on

my head. As I got older, I realized other people didn’t feel the same; in fact, people seemed to be obsessed with policing the female body. Society wants us to cover our bodies up to maintain feminine purity but also wants us to shake our asses and wear Brandy Melville crop tops (half shirts, for those unfamiliar). And while I respect people of other religions (in fact, I used to be very Christian), I do see the idea of purity as gendered. From a young age, women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies—to never glance “down there,” to hate those stretch marks, to cover the fat rolls. Men, on the other

capture my body looking beautiful. I had seen Louie take stunning photographs of women in lingerie and birthday suits, and I

the beach and are taught to be proud of their genitals. I thought it was weird to be naked, something to be afraid of, something to scare others with because it scared me. When I had my growth spurt freshman year of high school, people told me I should do some modeling. I remember watching America’s Next Top Model, thinking I would love to be on the show if only they didn’t have the models strip down. Finally, I signed up on Model Mayhem and did some photo shoots with a photographer named Louie, who had photographed models from America’s Next Top Model and Lana Del Rey music videos, with my mother supervising. Things changed drastically for me when I got to college. My mom arranged for me to move in with my brother when I turned 17 and graduated high school. I took

“I just have fun stripping down bones.” thought he could use the camera to make my 6’2” bony body look less awkward. My friend once described my body as an anorexic pear shape—bony on top, a bit chunky near the hips and rear. on Louie’s patio (which, to me, means my bits are covered—no nipples, no vag, no butt crack). I felt a bit shy, but I trusted him and started posing in front of the camera, the When I got the photos back from Louie, I fell in love with one where I was lying down on his porch. He took the photo by standing on a chair above me. But there was one photo of me standing up in a bra and underwear, and it looked completely photo-shopped. My large thighs were thinned down, and my face looked unrecognizable. I just wanted to be able to look back on the photos as an old woman and think, “Damn, I can’t believe I hated my body back then!” but I ended up

I didn’t do nudes for a while. Then I started watching that TV show, Girls. The media talked about Lena Dunham’s body, which is nearly always bare on the HBO show. They criticized it, saying her body was average or weird or fat. But I loved it. I don’t know why; I just thought she was such a badass, always naked and comfortable in her own skin. I don’t care what anyone says, I look

boost. I like my body now, and it makes me as daring as I am, spend some alone time with yourself with only your skin on.

we’ll be friends one day) takes her clothes give a fuck what anyone thinks. I wished I could be like her. Then I met a photographer named John through my best friend. She showed me some nudes he had taken of her, which were gorgeous, and I was inspired again. When pose, I felt a bit uncomfortable with my body still. “My ass is huge,” I’d say, trying to tuck some fat in, or “My thighs have cottage cheese,” I’d say, tugging at my skin. I thought he only wanted to photograph me because I looked skinny, and I feared that he would be disgusted with my out-of-shape anorexic pear body. “Just leave it there. It looks great!” he said. “Most skinny girls don’t have a big butt like you!” I giggled awkwardly. When I saw the results a few weeks later, I was shocked at how awesome my body looked when I didn’t care at all about my fat, when I just posed...when I stuck my butt out, when I left my thighs as they were. I’m all about freeing the nipple for those women who want to. For those against it or believe in notions of modesty, I think that’s

Lifestyle

A Reader’s This One is Mine

A love and hate relationship with Maria Semple’s books

Where’d You Go Bernadette Perks of Being a

hell

By Camille Hove

Poetry Corner

Illustration by Sierra Patheal

To Attempt a Sonnet (or Not) By Chrissy Bastian

Literature

Cooking with Bea Kitchen blunders gone horribly wrong: Thai food edition By Beatriz Villa Before you continue reading, I want to make one thing clear: I cannot cook to save my life, or to save anyone’s life on that matter, seriously. If we were the last two people on Earth, and my food was humanities last chance at survival, we would be extinct at the stir of a teaspoon. The funny thing about my lack of cooking skills is I love to cook! Mind you, I don’t do it every day; I only bring out my pots and pans every so often, which might be why I cook so poorly. I have to say about 95 percent of the food I make is not disgusting, but it’s not Top Chef quality either. I want to share with you, my kind and observant reader, the experiences I have had with cooking disastrous—because I am a klutz— meals for my family and friends.

As a teenager, I was introduced to the food. Thai food has and will always be a part of hot and sour soup, noodles mixed with veggies, and the sweet, tangy sensations curry leaves behind. Tom yum goong, pad thai, lad I mention Thai food because I once attempted—and somewhat accomplished— to make homemade yellow curry. The entire time I was prepping the chicken, garlic, carrots, onions, potatoes, and all the other goodies that are found in yellow curry, my mother kept telling me ‘No, that’s not how you cut it; you’re holding that potato oddly; are you sure you can do this? My mom

likes things done her way, and was nervous about having me in her kitchen. So, when I told her I didn’t appreciate her commenting on everything I did and had everything under control, she left the kitchen, but proceeded to spy on me from the dining area. Her leaving was probably where my problems began. Somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow, I managed to confused teaspoon and tablespoon, and when I called my mom back to help she cynically said I had it under control. I proceeded with simmering a pan, and inadvertently created a death bomb of burning gas, which forced my family and me to evacuate our house. After 30 minutes we were able to return into our home, and

after an hour we didn’t have to clear our throats as much when we tried to breathe normally. After the horrible, almost fatal, experience I put my family through, they all decided to have chicken tacos for dinner instead and commandeered my chicken and kitchen for their use. I eventually did, and continue, to make yellow curry, but unfortunately for me, something about the Overall, I believe cooking a meal can give you insight on who you are, not only as a cook, but as a person. What did cooking my exotic meal teach me you ask? Well, I’m pretty sure my yellow curry told me in my father’s voice to stay in school, and never marry.

Tending the Bar

The insight of an unappreciated bartender

By Tony Acero Illustration by Rose Feduk

There was once an idea of a bartender as being somewhat of the poor man’s psychiatrist, whether man or woman, the bartender’s knowledge went way beyond what was in a your tie and dropping some confessional thoughts was customary, is now just another room full of arrogance. Times have changed and the trust has all but disappeared. Gone are the days of the bartender who spends his nights throwing out knowledge while slowly drying the nearest pint glass. Instead, we are handed over a phone to help take the best picture of a group of men in the most dimly lit areas of the bar, or asked to make a drink that was most surely created in a kitchen two nights ago. If we are lucky, someone will want to lean in close and drool the contents you just poured into a shot glass all over your ear and shoulder, only to simply to ask

where the restroom is. It’s unfortunate, too, considering how much knowledge a bartender still possesses. Oh, yes, there is something to be said for the new age client of the bar world. Having worked in more than one establishment at one time, the reality of change is very apparent. Whether it’s a family-owned restaurant with a bar, or a seedy, red-lit dive bar, after a few beers and cocktails, it all begins to feel the same. Male customers simply don’t trust us anymore. That swank suit-wearing socialite denigrates himself slowly after each newly acquired glass simply saying two words to the female sitting next to him who is more worried about letting others know where she currently is online than any actual conversation with ol’ tan tie. He is the man that signals for the bartender without eye contact, and tosses out a drink

order, while still staring at the female he is so eager to woo. He is the customer that grows impatient with the bartender—not the girl— when she begrudgingly says thank you and allows the drink to grow more water beads than those that sit on the forehead of suitand-tie. Of course, it’s the bartender’s fault— the drink must be made badly, incorrectly, or otherwise. It’s a shame, considering the female in question is a regular, hates cranberry, is a Libra, really enjoys the work of both Pink and Pat Benatar (depending on the time of day), is a natural brunette, but feels blonde hair shapes her face better, is a size six and a half (unless it’s Michael Kors, because they run small for her), has no children, and honestly just wants a guy to say hi and have a conversation instead of sending over a drink, sometimes. He should have just asked.

Food

From Birthright to Budapest The stories and experiences of a month long adventure abroad Words and Photos by Alex Berman

A camel resting inside its pen on the Kibbutz

Around the time the final issue of the Union Weekly hit stands last semester, all anybody had on their mind was surviving finals week and fantasizing about how they were going to spend their summer vacation. Around mid-March, I had already decided how my summer was going to be spent. As I described in detail in that final issue, I had signed up for the once-in-a-lifetime Birthright trip to Israel. Upon signing up, I also learned about the possibilities that followed when choosing to extend your trip after the initial tour through Israel had ended. So, along with a close friend of mine, I organized a seventeen day backpacking trip through the heart of Europe. The entire excursion would last one month and would lead us to eleven different cities, six different countries and two different continents, and would leave us with memories to last a lifetime. From the time we landed in Israel to the time our Birthright group ultimately dispersed, we were traveling and touring non-stop. Day-in and day-out, we were

exploring new cities or participating in back-to-back activities that would immerse us in either the geography or the culture of Israel. Each new day seemed to bring another set of stunning experiences, such as witnessing the sunrise from atop the ancient cliff-top fortress of Masada, floating like a leaf on the water in the Dead Sea, making a wish at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, river rafting down the Jordan river, spending a night with the Beduins in a Kibbutz, or riding camels through the desert. Although Israel had been at peace during our time there, Israeli soldiers armed with AK-47s were on patrol virtually everywhere. For some in our group, this was more than just a bit of culture shock to overcome, but for all of us, it was a reminder that we were indeed in the Middle East. However intimidating the sight of live firepower might have been at first for some in the group, we quickly learned that most of the soldiers in Israel are quite friendly and our safety throughout the trip was never in question.

The “Amsterdam” sign in front of the Rijksmuseum

Travel

After a thoroughly packed and funfilled 12 days in Israel, it was time to fly out to Amsterdam and begin the second leg of our travels. Because of our close proximity to Europe, the cost of the flight was a mere two hundred U.S. dollars (usually about one thousand dollars when traveling from the states), so the way we saw it, that left us with eight hundred dollars in extra spending money to use for whatever we wanted. For those of you who have never been to Amsterdam, it is a city of multiple personalities. Here, the nuances of the zany yet admirable Dutch culture are mimicked through an extraordinary transformation that occurs. By day, it is a beautifully quaint, somewhat hipster-esque canal city, but when the sun goes down, the center becomes its own version of an adult carnival. Everything that’s illegal here is legal there. And if it’s not legal, it’s easy to get. Every night when the moon came out,

Castle Neuschwanstein

the debachery would begin, and if you’re doing Amsterdam right, you should never know what to expect. After three action-packed nights in The Netherlands, we took the train down to Brussels and Brugge for one night each, simply to explore the beautiful cities. Soon after, we embarked on a six hour train ride to Munich, Germany for what we decided would only be a two night stay. Obviously, beer was one of the main themes of this part of the trip and we indulged to excess at authentic German beer houses each night. Our days, on the other hand, were occupied with gastronomy, sight-seeing and a trip to castle Neuschwanstein: the castle that inspired Walt Disney’s. One of the most interesting aspects of our trip was seeing the countryside of each place we visited as we rode through

View of Prague from Strelecky Ostrov

by train. The lush, green prairies and tiny, old cottages of Belgium and the fairytalelike forests and mountainsides of Bavaria, Germany were a sight to behold. From here we would take the train to the Eastern European cities of Prague and finally to Budapest, our last destination. Eastern Europe was definitely the highlight of our trip. The city of Prague was by far the most beautiful that we had seen. With its superior scenic views and almost mystical geographical structure, we felt like we had stumbled into a fairytale the moment we headed out to explore this time-encapsulated city. Not only is Prague gorgeous, but it’s also renowned across Europe for its nightlife. With some of the most incredible clubs and drinking establishments available and drastically cheaper drinks in comparison to western Europe, you can party all night and not worry about the tab. After enjoying the most beautiful city on our trip, we headed to the place that would ultimately offer the most fun. Budapest was crazy. This amazing city not only gave me the greatest night of my life, but a multitude of other adventures as well. Well known for its grand bath halls, this city hosts relaxing spa treatment by day and clubsized rave-oriented pool parties by night. Just a tip for the guys out there--loads of potential. If you aren’t very water-friendly though, you can always grab a drink at any of the cities famous ruin pubs: a pub built inside an old abandoned structure, decorated to look post-apocolyptic. If you ever find yourself in Budapest though, I recommend you catch the sunrise from the top of Budapest Castle. It’ll be the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, and if you’re lucky enough to find any, it looks even better on Shrooms.

Connecting Cultures Life Lessons in London By Veronica Craft Benjamin Disraeli once said, “Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” This past summer I took Carl Fisher’s Comp Lit Theater Today study abroad course with fifteen unique and awesome CSULB students, who made my experience abroad an amazing one. And as we studied and adventured around the city of London, strolling along its crowded streets, breathing in its historic air, and drinking in its folksy and lively pubs, determined to find out all of the cities secrets, this one quote from Benjamin Disraeli became a sort of motto for our trip. I have never really traveled much, so studying abroad this summer was a whole new experience for me that could often be overwhelming. The city of London is such a vibrant place that is in constant motion with millions of people all moving about, and unlike Long Beach, everyone in London uses public transportation, known as The Tube. For me, when first arriving, The Tube was this daunting and mysterious

part of the city that sprawled beneath the entirety of London with these elaborate and intersecting lines. But three weeks later, as I departed the city, after having conquered The Tube, I realized the significance of it in connecting all these different and wonderful parts of the city of London. London is filled with all these contradictions because it is capable of being so many things at once, such as unconventional and cosmopolitan, touristy and commercialized, old and historic, and new and innovative. Camden, the area my group resided in, was this artsy and urban, part of the city where everyone was really laid-back, the streets were covered in colorful and vibrant pieces of street art, and there was killer street food on every corner. But just by walking down the street and hopping on the tube for a couple of minutes, it is possible to find yourself in London’s Central Business District, which has a completely contradictory vibe from Camden. Instead of a bunch of cool little shops and brick roads, this part of London

looks like any other city: all skyscrapers, concrete, and filled with people who are in a constant race. And all at the same time, the whole of London is also both old and historic, and new and innovative. In the Bloomsbury area, where our class would meet, on the same street you could find this towering and ancient architectural masterpiece, and one of the newly installed colorful and whimsical book benches popping up around London. The three weeks I spent in the London have been some of the most enlightening and fun weeks of my life, because it allowed me to experience this incredibly diverse and historic city that I fell completely in love with. And escaping Long Beach and wandering around London gave me a desire to travel and explore the rest of the world. So despite all my anxiety and uncertainty at the beginning of this trip, now looking back, I will always treasure this experience, and I can’t wait for my next travel adventure!

Exotic Bathing in Barcelona By Beatriz Villa

Graphic by Michael Tewasart

This past June I took a trip to Barcelona with my best-friend Mayra. We decided we desperatly needed a break from our mundane lives, so we ditched our boyfriends and got on a plane for Europe. We rented out a great apartment near the beach and frequented local bars so often we conveniently made an Italian bartender friend, who fell madly in love with Mayra’s left leg. My most memorable experience was the festival of Sant Joan. The night began with dinner at our favorite restaurant, Bosque de Palermo. Our friendly, kooky waitress put on a blue streamer wig and blew her whistle in celebration as she brought out our six-person paella, which was exquisitly delicious. Dining next to us were two French men who had recently moved to Barcelona, and invited us to a roof top party on their building. Although they were extremely good looking, we politely

informed them we wanted to go down to the beach to see the festival first hand. After dinner we hopped on the metro, which, next to the streets of Barcelona and our apartment, had become our home. When we arrived at the beach, we were struck with amazement. Every corner, alley, street, and beach hut had been converted into a miniature dance floor with live music. After visiting what felt like 20 dance floors, and having drank as many cocktails, we decided to swim in the Mediterranean. At 1AM the beach was crowded as if it had been a hot summer day. We all looked at each other, smiled, and began to undress. Sometimes, in order to live life, you have to forget about your sphynx cats, get naked in front of a few hundred strangers, pray your parents never find out, and hope for the best. Hey, you might find a sexy Italian man to ask your hand, or leg, in marriage. Mayra did.

Travel

Volume 75 Issue 1

Monday, August 25, 2014

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER: Greetings from Gumby. If you could change your fate, woodja? I’ll be fighting for me own hand! Send your quotes to 1212 Bellflower Blvd Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815. This page is satire/parody and does not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus. Submit it via email to grunion@lbunion.com.

How to Love Your Name by KitKatBreak

It sucks. You can’t speak once you’re born. You can’t walk once you’re born. You can’t name yourself once you’re born either. The necessities of life are not given to you the moment you leave your mommy’s womb and cry

for you. Some of us are lucky, and some of us are not. A very unlucky fellow would be B.J. Hardick, a well-respected doctor in add to the misfortune). Once you get that name, you got it. You can’t change it until you’re a money because there’s a price to namechanging). So his name could not be changed until he turned eighteen, which meant he had to spend eighteen long, long, long years as a Hardick. Here is

how B.J. Hardick managed to keep his namesake and love it to death. What he did was to look to his elders, his father and fathers before him. B.J. had to carry the legacy of a Hardick. There are certain standards to be one— physically, mentally, and emotionally. First, a Hardick must be tall and wellmuscled. There are no limits to size because bigger is better. Second, a Hardick must be driven, motivated to allowed because the reward is worth it. Last of all, a Hardick must be passionate with everything and everyone. Every step of the way must be done with liveliness, so he and everyone else can feel good in the end. By embracing what his forerunners have done, B.J. Hardick came to be a proud man. He came from a long line of Hardick’s and came out on top as a groomed and experienced doctor.

Girls Will Be Girls Will Be Girls Whenever I see a boy, I make it so that his butt will casually be in my hand, and my hand will casually give those warm buns a tender squeeze, like a chef looking for the perfect bread to use for a favorite by May Clitt family recipe. But with this “men’s rights” movement going on, we kinda are like, forced in a way to recognize that boys are like people and they have feelings, and that sometimes, they really the weird ones feel this way). It’s ruining my game, man. As a woman, I feel like I have the right to be made out with by a hot

boy. I mean, I’m a good person, I recycle and conserve water, and everything, and excuse me for feeling like I deserve to be made out with. I try really hard to respect how they may feel about how they’re being treated because I’ve listened to their complaints and I feel like they have a point sometimes but it’s just so much fun to whistle at them while my girlfriends and I are driving around, because aren’t boys kinda like puppies in a way, if you stop and think about it? All they like to do is like, hump things, eat, and sleep, you know? So it’s only right to whistle at them sometimes! Am I right ladies? I mean, what girl can’t help herself when those bad boys who live on what my

mom calls the “bad side of town” sag their pants, deliberately, in front of me? Answer: none. And besides, when they have their pants around their ankles like that, aren’t they basically asking for a good ole ass squeeze? They could be just wearing regular pants with the belt and stuff but I’m pretty sure they aren’t trying to show off their Superman undies either. Whatever though. I have complete faith that this whole “Men’s Rights” things is gonna blow off, because they’ll realize that things are

it’s about though. It was good, but not memorable, in my opinion.

like, doctors and stuff, and some of them are super rich which like that dude on TV, Tim Tardashian who got really famous for

INSIDE

LOCAL CHEF FIRED FOR TOSSING THE WRONG SALAD

LONELY PUG SEEKS HELP FOR PLASTIC SURGERY ADDICTION

CSULB IMPLEMENTS MANDATORY RELIGION FOR INCOMING FRESHMEN FOR THE FALL AND SPRING SEMESTERS