EDITOR’S NOTE BY GALLAGHER GOLDSTEIN Hey ’49ers! With fall semester coming to a close, let’s acknowledge the best of 2014. Terrible things happened to me this semester that I’d like to ignore. I contracted staff infection from sleeping naked on my girlfriend’s dog, and when I confronted her about it she broke up with me. What’s up with that?
I think I heard this in my Ethics in Journalism class that Long Beach is In this weeks feature, we decided to “dig” deep into the community
We’re doing a feature on the ins-and-outs of digging in Long Beach. I thought this would be a great way to cap off the end of the semester seeing as we didn’t have as many issues as we normally do, I think. I actually don’t know when we print our issues, but last week I walked
a question that I think no one in the history of this university has asked: why are we called the 49ers?
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A SUPERNATURAL DELIGHT A LOCAL BAR GIVES NEW MEANING TO SPIRITS
BY Inez DeValle
Y
ou feel a cold chill from the halls as you enter the spacious, foreboding cafe that has solemn staff in position to serve you. Located on the corner of Palo Verdes and Vanderlip Drive, Vanderlip Bar creates new drinks to Long Beach with thier delightful spirits mixing from 5 pm to Witching Hour. The Mansions foyer and dining hall takes its visitors to the grave away from the warm and welcoming world outside, where you leave your hope at the door and your wallet at the bar. It’s unfair, really, to call Vanderlip Bar a bar. It’s a mansion converted to hotel, bar, buffet, and portal to hell, all in one convient location. Co-owners Crowley and Aziraphale converted the local haunted mansion and opened Vanderlip Bar this October, after thier retirement.
Photo by Steve Carlsberg
Although the owners are from Underground, they never got the chance to explore and divide thier surroundings into sections because thier business has prevented them from assigning good and evil territory. Now that Palo Verdes has become more familiar to the owners, they have decided which area codes will fall to darkness and which shall assend with the spirits in the bar.
The owners are currently designing a new line of drinks to expand thier menu to new heights. They’re also waiting for thier power to take hold and convert new souls to a new environment. They put the spirit in “spirits” with acutal dammed souls helping the bartenders put a little more spice in the afterlife.
Photo by Steve Carlsberg
“We [recently] adopted a new drink recipe that named ‘Adam’ after our special little boy. We wouldn’t have opened this bar without inspiration from our bosses and the local church movements,” Crowley explained. He also explains his relationship with Aziraphale grew stronger with converting souls over with spirits. If you are looking for a refreshing, entry-level drink, the Bloody Mary Magdalene with fresh tomato juice, premium Vodka, Tabasco sauce, horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, celery stalk, black pepper and paprika, served with a stalk of celery, is a absolute must-drink. The zest of the Tabasco sauce to the drink adds on a zing to the soul as it slowly travels down your throat and rocks your body.
Vanderlip Bar puts alot of thought and effort into each drink on thier list. Not only is all the alchohal picked for its quality, but is made by the dammed souls haunting the house that want nothing more than to explore new flavors.
Vanderlip Bar’s working hours are from 5 pm to 1 a.m., and seniance and haunting hours are from 6 a.m to 12 a.m. Bar is open all week and hold a special service for pet-owners. People are encouraged to pay with the hellhounds outside to freshen up after a stiff one. Dog services are open all week, so long as you.
For first-timers, Crowley recommends drinking off the menu with the house special. Vanderlip Bar drags you to new tiers of spirits, and also provides a delightful ambieance of classical music and rock for your drinking experiance.
Its about time Palo Verdes got a hip, new spirited place, and Vanderlip Bar delivers that and more. They also have a lovely alchove where Narcissa Vanderlip tells the history of her home to any soul able to listen. Enthusiasts, mediums, drinkers, and wayward souls will find solace in the Vanderlip Bar.
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DIGLETT DIG DIGLETT DIG DIGLETT DIG Adam Sandler attempts to reinvent his career by starring in The Cobbler about cobbling magic shoes. Is there a whole in your shoe? No? Then how did you get your foot in?
50 Shades of Spunk is the nations most important porn of 2015.
Hot Tub Time Machine was apparently so terrible, that Hollywood needed to make
We can all look for ward to Chappie, the physical robot version of Her. Dev Patel seems to think that robots can be trusted.
Will Ferrell turns to Kevin Hart to help prep him for prison after he gets arrested for fraud in Get Hard. Oddly enough, Ferrell gets hard in prison.
Richard Gere attempts to woo an Indian woman in The Second Best Exotic
seen Terminator. Skynet is everywhere.
Goosebumps silver screen. Jack Black tries to bring back his career after a bunch
Matt Bomer obviously steals the show with his sass in Magic Mike
XXl.
in Hot Tub Time Machine 2.
Marigold Hotel longest title in Hollywood history.
Paddington the infamous childhood story comes to life with a horrible t wist. He kills people.
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Interview on Digging To help readers understand the spirit of Diglet Magazine better, the editors dug up info on a few digging authorities and invited them in for an interview. Craig A. Menear (CEO of The Home Depot), Robert A. Niblock (CEO of Lowe’s), and Nolan D. Archibald (CEO of Black and Decker) answered our invites and came in to discuss their dispositions on digging. DM: Thank you for coming in today. Craig Menear: Please let me go, I’ll pay the ransom. DM: So what made you gentlemen go into digging? Robert Niblock: One of my greatest inspirations growing up was Louis Sachar’s novel Holes. Watching Indiana Jones’ son play Stanley Yelnuts made me want to learn more about holes. It turns out digging is a very dirty job, and so I went instead into selling the equipment for digging. Nolan Archibald: I had the high score on Dig Dug in my neighborhood growing up, and when I turned 14 my parents gave me a power drill. I returned the favor by digging in my backyard until I found groundwater, and my family used the well until my grandma fell in and her corpse contaminated the runoff. DM: What’s your favorite part of digging? NA: It’s an art form! I myself am trained in the pickaxing arts since the constant squatting that accompanies every swing keeps my buns in shape. My sensei was Jackie Sham, also known as “The Jackhammer” among the women of the company. CM: That reminds me of one time where Nolan lent me a few power tools to use with my secretary…
RN and NA: Amen. DM: Oh… what other perks come with being executives of your respective companies? All: Tax exemptions. RN: Personally, I enjoy the fact I can travel abroad. I’ve learned so much about Chinese culture to better communicate with the people I’m extorting who put together all the tools I sell. It’s also because of this travel I now enjoy my big money as it earns me the privilege of avoiding the censorship suffered by the Chinese sweatshop workers and a lot of the poor in America. NA: Speaking of which, I need make my anonymous contribution to Ed Royce so that taxes on Chinese imports stay low… [to Union Weekly] don’t write that down. UW: No sir, we won’t. Your secrets are safe with us. CM: I dig it. Well then, what if I told you I’ve never done manual labor in my life? Think about it, I’m a rich white man in charge of a corporate syndicate who leaves all the work to my workers and customers. NA: I take pride in my story, I’ll have you know. Back in my youth I was so good at digging that if I could bring use a time machine to bring my past self to another time, I’d use me to help out those Chileans that got stuck in the mine all those years ago. RN: Actually, I have a question for you. DM: What? RN: Do you consider digging to be an act of destruction or an act of creation? DM: …what do you mean? NA: No, his question makes sense. There is a continued variance regarding the intention of digging as an action. Some methods of digging can be for the purpose of destruction and uproot, such as the elimination of tree roots or the use of a jackhammer to pierce through concrete. Other forms, however,
does digging connote to you? UW: I hadn’t even thought of that before, I don’t know. RN: Well then, you should consider going and buying all your gardening tools at Lowe’s to help you gain some gardening experience to help you settle this plight. CM: You bastard, that should have been my pitch but you’re so goddamn greedy you had to turn it around on our kidnapper. You sure you don’t have Stockholm syndrome? DM: Thank you for your time, gentlemen. Editor’s note: For more information on digging, check out Webster’s dictionary, or play any of the Pokemon games and give them TM28.
Dumpster Diving Putrid Adventures
By Stefano Panini and Jamal Squanto
Top: A man looks at an empty bag of Doritos. Top right: An arm holds a plastic box of red matter. Bottom right: The same man exits a blue dumpster.
M
y mid-life crisis came at the ripe age of forty, when I began dumpster diving. This will probably come as a shock to you, but I am the Duke of Huntington Beach. Therefore, I wasn’t exactly brought up with the proper dumpster defenses. But over time, I learned. You too, will learn. Foods) was visiting my estate in Bel Air. Being the little bastard he is, he came over, ate all my macaroons, grabbed my custom-ordered Emporer Penguin taxidermy and threw it in the garbage. Of course, I hadn’t noticed that it was gone until I that Drew was gone. Hearing an enormous truck outside, I looked out the french windows and saw the dump truck stopped outside on the street. I made the connecition immediately. I ran downstairs but the garbage truck had already started rumbling away. I jumped into my lilac lamborghini and began fervently following the garbage truck. Of course I tried yelling at the truck driver, but he seemed to have never heard me or otherwise ignored me. T-Swift’s “Style” is really good at blocking out the world, I guess. The garbage man dumped Drew at a larger plant in Los Angeles. I didn’t want to plunge myself into a sea of garbage, but Drew needed me. He needed a life again. So I did. After twenty minutes, I surfaced, arms full of taxidermy waterfowl and awash in heaven-sent relief. I experienced a high like never before and have been chasing it ever since. I dumpster dive every thursday and sunday, when a lot of residences have garbage day. I’ve left my previous life of luxury, opting instead for the euphoria of dumpster diving. But if you don’t have a little snot for a nephew and a garbage-drenched taxidermy friend, why should you go dumpster divand stamina tenfold. My family actually invites me to family gatherings now that I’ve given them many gifts I found in make you the most popular landlubber in the city.
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Top left: A man discovers allegedly fresh guacamole. Middle left: A blue sweater smells trash. Right: Female will have onions for dinner. Bottom: Two shorts-wearing men chug Captain Crunch.
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Brothels On YOUR Campus Have you ever wanted to blow off some steam (I mean cream) during finals week? Welll here’s your answer, CSULB kids. Welcome to your own, personal, beatific guide to the most dogmatic, charismatic, sensual, pleasing, erotic, non erotic, sensual, kinky brothels on campus. You’re welcome. You’re so welcome. Let us know how your experience goes at fuck me@ me.com! Can’t wait to hear from you!
Brothels around CSULB: First Stop: Have you ever been to the idyllic Japanese Gardens in the corner of the parking lot near the Parkside Dorms, aka no man’s land? (It’s near the Indian Burial grounds. If you go, you might die.) But if you have chanced a visit, I’m sure you’ve noticed a red door past the koi fish pond. Open this door to experience your wildest hand held pleasures. From finger rubbing from actual fingers to feet rubs from actual feet, your sexual organs will be aflame within minutes. (Or seconds, depending on how horny you are.) If you want more than hands and feet caressing your body, you might want to head up campus to the MHB building…
After that: Shut the bathroom door and open your mouth for some creamy milk headed your way. There will be plenty of paper towels to help you mop up your face, ladies (or gents). Once you’ve gotten your (fill) of dinner, head over to the USU basement for the real action.
You got thirsty from screaming Doodle Sack so you headed back up campus to the library Starbucks. You get high off of your grande cappuccino with extra whip and begin to eye the other patrons. They’re all shaking in their pants, whipped cream streaming everywhere. The café is a mess so you bounce on Kim Kardashian ass toward the Pyramid where you heard the class Valedictorian was chillin.
Last Stop: You whisper the password “Jennifer’s Body” and walk up into the attic of the Pyramid. Basketballs are scattered around with nondescript stains and attractive human beings line the walls, waiting to pleasure you, yes you, recipient of the President’s
A whip careens past your face as you close the door and trip down the dark steps. Where the hell is the basement anyway? It’s under KBeach of course. That way the good vibrations from the microphones will go straight to your (heads). You dodge a leather clad woman as she tries to force you to your knees. You trip on a black stud boot and land on your face. Soon you are tied up, hog style, and begging for more. Don’t forget your safe word. What was it? Doodle Sack?
of lube is provided, and glow in the dark massage oil is granted upon request. At the top of the Pyramid you see out at all of campus, and know you are the Ruler.
Now that you’ve taken a grand tour of the CSULB brothels, send your ratings and comments to ASI! They will be greatly appreciated. Happy comings this holiday season!
Cooking with Seamen Create a dish or facial that will give you a beautful glow By Stacy Brown
At the age of 25, I discovered one of the most delicious recipes I had ever had the pleasure if letting trickle down my throat. It is a very unconventional dish, and I do not recommend it for the light-hearted. This dish is not only delicious, but very nutritional for you over all health and can be used as a face mask. After eating this dish twice a week for three months I noticed a beautiful glow on my skinskin. I have a horrible affliction of eczema, but after three months of this diet, my skin began to soften and all the embarrassing dry spots were nothing more than a horrible nightmare. At this point, I have been reluctant to tell you of the main ingredient for this dish because I do not want you, kind reader, to write it off as a joke or something disgusting. I assure you it is not disgusting, but it is very delicious.
Are you ready for this? The food item that will improve your skin, give you pretty much all the vitamins you need to maintain your health, and give you outstanding energy is semen. Yes, semen is the magic ingredient that will solve all of your problems. The best part about this that the product is 100 percent organic and there is an endless supply of semen. I have been cooking with this product for quite sometime and I recommend you select a healthy male as your supplier. Yes this sounds odd, but your supplier should be someone you know and trust. A family member might be too weird, so you should ask a good friend to make a weekly donation. If you find a willing donor, you need to buy sealed jars; a mini Mason jar from the Dollar Tree is perfect. I would refrigerate the semen for up to a week.
Now here is something interesting, you don’t have to eat it to make you skin glow. If you prefer, you can use it as a mask. If you rather use your donated semen as mask instead of an ingredient for food, I would mix in a bit a lemon zest to calm the scent of the semen. Here is a helpful hint, the stronger the scent the older the semen. If you love to bake and experiment with different ingredients, My favorite semen recipe is Delicious Protein Cinnamon Rolls. The semen is mixed into the frosting and is almost undetectable. I find listen to Genuine while baking my cinnamon rolls most relaxing. I there are many different types of recipes you can cook with. You can mix your semen into ranch or bleu cheese dressing or put add it to a morning shake. The possibilities are endless.