Commencement of Uncertainty by Union Weekly

Issue 77.1

Intro

Katie Cortez, Editor in Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Beatriz Villa, Managing Editor manager@lbunion.com Renee Schmiedeberg, Assistant Managing Editor/Social Media Editor assistmanager@lbunion.com Trevor Desrosiers, Advertising Executive advertising@lbunion.com ART & DESIGN Sam Orihuela, Art Director artdirector@lbunion.com John Mueller, Graphics Illustrator illustration@lbunion.com

EDITORIAL Elizabeth Nguyen, Co-Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Beca Vega, Co-Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Joel Martinez, Community Editor community@lbunion.com Bailey Mount, Campus Editor campus@lbunion.com Richard Mejia, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com Madison Gallegos, Arts Editor arts@lbunion.com Andrew Linde, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Elliot Gatica, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Jack Villalba, Lifestyle Editor lifestyle@lbunion.com Amanda Dominquez-Chio, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Marilyn Ramirez, Travel Editor travel@lbunion.com Kaila-Marie Hardaway, Food Editor food@lbunion.com Aubrey Graham, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com STAFF WRITERS Lauren Hunter, lauren@lbunion.com Karrie Comfort, karrie@lbunion.com Sahar Kachroo, sahar@lbunion.com Cesar Cadeas, cesar@lbunion.com Sylvana Uribe, sylvana@lbunion.com Emily Ayers, emily@lbunion.com COPY & ASSISTANT EDITORS Carissa Pope, Mario Lopez, Karen Ruiz ADVERTISING INTERN YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE! CONTRIBUTORS Tony Acero, Cindy Cruz, Alex Pham, Gonzalo Saucedo, Galileo Gonzalez, Lilit Grigogants, Anna Abella, Mary Cruz, Daniel Barajas, Anneke Van Ommering COVER BY: Sam Orihuela CONTACT US Long Beach, CA 90815 E-mail: info@lbunion.com

@UnionWeekly

R.I.P. SUMMER I would highly advise that you only take summer courses if you are one of 3 things: 1. A masochist 2. Trying to eat up units 3. Get extremely anxious when you have next to nothing to do for an extended period of time Most of the people on this campus don’t know me, but those who do can atest to the fact that I am all three of those things. And as much as I wish I could say that my summer was full of relaxation and the sun, I can’t. Mostly because I can’t relax and I’m not a huge fan of the sun. But also because I took three classes and worked all summer. I’m not saying that I didn’t have a good time—I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party, hung out with friends on the weekends, was in a friends’ wedding, relived my youth by seeing Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, and Bloc Party live, got my once a year haircut, watched every episode of The Bachelorette (I voted for Nick), started a vinyl collection, and spent quite a few nights at Pike Bar on 4th street drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon with my coworkers after work. I had a good summer, but it was sprinkled with a dash of school, a totaled truck, and much less sleep than I would have liked. I think there might have been one day when I did absolutely nothing, and that was only because some jerk T-boned my truck on my way to work. I know some of you are wondering, “Who is this crazy person, rambling on about nothing?”, so allow me to introduce myself. Hi. I’m Katie Cortez and I’ll be your Union Weekly Editor in Chief for the year. My friends call me Ktez, Tez, KT, Hey you!, Tezzy, Ptez, Craytez, Kathandra, TezWorth, Worth, and name that they can think of. If you see me on the street, just yell something at me. I usually answer to anything. I’m that person who sees someone waving and I wave back without hesitation because I may or may not have met have too many pet peeves to count, I’m really into lists, and I’m really good at hiding how anxious the world makes me. I’m still not sure

There are only three accurate descriptions of myself that I’ve ever agreed with: 1. “You are the most productive slacker I’ve ever met.” 2.“Her interests include drinking/making the Kardashians/baseball/players/Degrassi characters, and being a badass.” 3. “Music junkie. Paperback book enthusiast. Writer. Editor. Journalist. Pint glass thief. 100% uncomfortable, 100% of the time.”

and CSULB alumnus, Sarah Bruins, the second comes from my predecessor and good friend, Molly Shannon, and the third comes from my Instagram tagline. But enough about me, let’s talk about this beautiful publication you’ve decided to pick up on your way to class. You’ll notice in the coming weeks (or by looking at that gray box on the left side of this page) that we’ve changed some things around. We have brought the Campus page back from the dead and decided to seperate it from Community. This year, the Community page is going to focus more on the city of Long Beach as a whole and Campus will focus on... well...the campus.

the Union Weekly hardest to come up with ideas beforehand and will be posting them to our contributors Facebook page, so keep a look out for that. If you’re not on our contributors page and want to be one of the cool kids, then shoot an email to lbunion.info@gmail.com with “I Wanna Be the Very Best” in your subject line and your body of the email and we’ll add you. we wanted to focus on those students who walked for graduation in the spring, but have to come back for an extra class or two before they’re really done with college. We asked

without graduating. Read their stories and feel all the feels because these students have been through more than meets the eye. And with that being said, that wraps up this edition of Tez Sayz. Good luck on

of the semester! XoXo, Tezworth

SNAP OF THE WEEK

to help us get more story coverage, but as always, we’d much rather hear from the rest of the student body. So if you want to contribute your work, we’re more than happy to recieve it. If you’re one of those people who has a great idea for a story but doesn’t want to write it, send an email to me, a page editor, or gets covered. You might also notice that starting in managing editor. Unfortunately, my main bae Bea Villa has to step down because she went out into the world and got herself a big kid job on top of being in grad school. And as much as I’ll miss her and her goof-troop Snapchats (see SNAP OF THE WEEK), I’m excited for what her replacement, Richard Mejia, and I have in store for Union Weekly this year. In other news, we have moved our weekly open meetings to Wednesdays from 5-5:30pm, right here in good ol’ USU 116, aka

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the Union Weekly, ASI nor CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for

Opinions

Graphic by Abdallah Seoud When I came in, I expected art students to be stuck up jerks like in movies. As the semester progressed, I realized that a lot of the students (and teachers) loved to “relax”, the environment felt more like a home, and

As an incoming transfer student, I am most excited about the abundance and variety

great experience, but the range of classes pertaining to my major, sociology, was

the fact that the studios are open 24/7 is a concept I still can’t get over. Galileo Gonzalez, second year (transfer) Drawing and Painting

matters that are most interesting to me and I can’t wait to see where that takes me in life. Gonzalo Saucedo Sociology

Thing is, I really don’t know what to say besides the common knowledge that going to Japan was an eye opening experience, and that the program our school chose to go with this year sucks but the actual trip was fun, and I felt even more encouraged to do better in

school so that I can come back in the future.

having done one year at San Diego State and two years at Long Beach City, am thrilled to be back under the wing of a four-year university. Nerves are high as I prepare for the transition, but I am ready for upper divisions,

awesome, new people! I see this semester as being the most successful one yet!

As a transfer student from a community college, I was impressed by the enormous area of the school and the long distance from parking lot to class. It made sense that there were so many eating places on campus due to its space. At my old school, local fast food restaurants were just across the street from campus. Besides that, CSULB seemed

like a beautiful Persian rug, harmonically

Anonymous Applied Mathematics

Emily Ayers Journalism

Photos by José Hernandez I feel saddened to leave Japan because American society can’t even compare to Japanese society, not at all. Upon returning to school though, I’m happy to see my friends

My arms are smelly. I don’t want to go to school. Boom.

to my modern physics class. Anonymous Electrical Engineering

Alex Pham, third year Computer Science

ethnic and cultural diversity for the both students and professors. Lilit Grigoryants, second year (transfer) Illustration

Opinions

“Water” You Doing At Home? Simple tips to apply in order to conserve water By Lauren Hunter Staff Writer

We all know that water is vital to life here on Earth. Every living thing on this planet needs it. Here in California we desperately not know: “We are in a drought here in a wonderful state.” Because of this, we need to take measures into making sure we can conserve the water we have left. The state, local cities and citizens all play a role in this. Luckily, our state government is so smart. Sorry for the blatant sarcasm, but our state is one of the worst in conserving water and generally dealing with water issues at all. They have single-handedly ruined farmer’s lives when it comes to water. And all this is

take water conservation advice from the government up in Sacramento. And these “new” shade balls that are being dumped into the reservoirs are not the innovative saviors they’ve been claimed to

Illustration by John Mueller Graphic Illustrator

be. They have been around for a while and they do not really help with evaporation. They help keep the chlorine levels where they should be. Basically, they’re pieces of plastic we are putting into our water supply. Our cities are doing a bang up job of citing residents when they are watering their lawns on the wrong day.

not that hard to try and save water. Do not take an hour-long shower. Just get in there make sure it is completely full before starting it so you are not just washing a few items. When doing laundry, do bigger loads so you are only doing two or three instead of

“We are in a drought here in a wonderful state.”

people watering their lawns on a Tuesday instead of the allotted Wednesday watering day. And people, it does do anyone any good when it is 95 degrees outside and you’re watering your lawns at high noon. Try late evening when the temperature has gone down and there is little sun light. This will help with evaporation. Your lawn might actually get water instead of the blazing sun soaking it all up. And for the individual water user, it is

when brushing your teeth turn the water

ready to start rinsing your mouth out and hard to do. Just use common sense. Together, if everyone just did a little bit, do by saving water will not only make our lives easier but also make lives easier for our future generations and will avoid further damage to our world and way of living. For more tips on saving water, you can visit: saveourwater.com.

Bonus Tips

attaches to your hose but uses a combination of air and water pressure to aid cleaning. •Check faucets and pipes for leaks. •Put a layer of mulch around trees and plants to reduce evaporation and keep the soil cool. •Use the garbage disposal sparingly. start a compost pile for plants. •While washing your hands in the lather them with soap.

Community

Don’t Get it “Twisted” Local summer festival brings musical variety to Long Beach Words and Photos by Sylvana Uribe Staff Writer Boasting a ferris wheel and carousel, a carnival came to life as stilt walkers towered over people and music echoed from the stage at Twisted at the Pike on Aug. 1. According to the Downtown Long Beach Associates, over 4,000 people squeezed into the area surrounded by the ongoing construction at the Pike Outlets for a night of free entertainment. For the past seven years, Summer and Music, or SAM, has celebrated the local music scene with genres ranging from jazz, rock, pop, and everything in between. As the third installment in a four part concert series, Twisted at the Pike was an ode to carnival days, with the life of the event being the local musical talent. the environmentally conscious, or rather geniuses, who knew parking in downtown Long Beach would be a pain. The AuldDubliner, a sponsor of the event, kept attendees merry throughout the evening with craft beer for sale. The smell of sweet, kettle corn lingered in the air and requests piled in for tacos and burritos at the Taco Rog stand. Opening the concert was Better Heroes, whose music I’ve followed online and Frontwoman Hunter Allen and her bandmates have an onstage presence that clicks with their to dance along. Wearing painted triangles on their faces, Rudy De Anda and his band also got the crowd moving with songs in English

Vocalist Hunter Allen sings onstage with drummer Evan Schaid, both members of the band Better Heroes and Spanish. De Anda is based in Long Beach and serves as the vocalist for another local favorite, Wild Pack of Canaries. Keeping the energy at a high was the Sea Funk Brass Band, who marched and played throughout the event grounds during intermissions. Maintaining the audience’s attention were illusionists and mind readers who pulled people onstage to participate in challenges and demonstrations, and a few of the willing participants walked away with

tickets to the Magic Castle. Once the sun had as they teased audiences and pyromaniacs

and headlining band Fartbarf to start showtime. Donning ape-like masks, Fartbarf closed the concert to the largest crowd of the evening and hid their voices behind

Local Shit (Good Shit)

Que Sera By Cesar Cadenas Staff Writer If you ever feel the urge to dance to old schools ‘90s hip-hop and R&B, then Que Sera is the place for you. The local dive bar on 7th Street holds a montly “Da Bump ‘n Grind” dance party with music from classic artists such as Tupac Shakur and A Tribe Called Quest. If, for whatever reason, dancing isn’t your thing, then the gothic “Release the Bats” night should be just the thing for the vampires in all of us. Que Sera showcases a wide variety of music genres so that there is always something for the audiophiles in all of us.

The Library on Broadway: A Coffee House By Emily Ayers Staff Writer The Library on Broadway: A Coffee House is an alluring café located in the Bluff Park district. The long hours invite early birds and night owls alike to appreciate the book-lined walls, funky artwork, and oversized velvet chairs that create the bohemian vibe. Choose coffee drinks with spirited names like The Vanilla Goddess (my favorite), Mint Mudslinger, or the Leprechaun Lipsmacker. The dessert counter is reminiscent of a scene from Marie Antoinette; housing fruit tarts,

vocoders and synthesizers. Essentially, if robots were to take over and throw a party, Fartbarf would be on the playlist. The final Summer and Music event will claim the streets of East Village at Buskerfest, where bands will compete against each other as they play on flatbed trucks on Sept. 5. More details about past and upcoming Summer and Music events are available by visiting the website: www.summerandmusic.com

1923 E. 7th St., Long Beach, CA 90813 Phone: (562.599.6170) Online: www.facebook.com/Thequesera lemon bars, and coconut whiteout cake to name a few. Pasta, panini’s, and salads are also served. This low-key spot offers a refreshing change of scenery and pace; so put the Starbucks cup down and try this

local Long Beach Coffee House! 3418 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA 90803 Phone: (562.433.2393)

Literature

Brave New World Ta-Nehisi Coates’ book examines race in the United States

“Coates’ letter also show the concerns and fears that parents feel for their black sons.”

By Cindy Cruz Contributor Toni Morrison has compared Ta-Nehisi Coates’ writing to the work of James Baldwin. Reading Between the World and Me certainly made me feel the excitement and power that time—so I’m sure that I would have made the same connection even without Queen Morrison pointing it out. This beautiful, emotional book is written in the form of a letter to Coates’ son. Part of what makes this book so awesome and powerful is that in discussing the violent ways in which black men are treated and viewed in the United States, Coates’ letter also shows the reader the concerns and fears that parents feel for their black sons—and unfortunately, the loss that too many parents brutality. As he revisits police-provoked deaths of black men, Coates explains the way in which systematic racism has led to both the killing of black men and the lack of accountability for the murderous crimes: “Here is what I would like for you to know: In America, it is traditional to destroy the black body—it is heritage.”

How I Read Personal Reading Confessions By Emily Ayers Staff Writer

There is a sacred scene only a reader can in a book. I have tried creating this in places

cool atmosphere, I am easily distracted. I become distracted by the boy who sits nearby drinking a latte and typing furiously on his computer, or the girlfriends talking about work struggles. At a park lying on a blanket under the shade of a tree, with birds chirping, a soft summer breeze, and sunshine splintering through the leaves, I am again distracted. The cars zooming past, the children screaming on the swings, and the couple cozying up on a blanket some feet away, cause my mind to

In one of my favorite sections of the book, Coates’ discusses his inspiring journey at Howard University and tells his son about how empowering it was to learn about African-American history instead of the traditionally Eurocentric curriculum. Readers of the book will also be blessed with an enlightening conversation about the ways in which the history of AfricanAmerican slavery is treated within our nation: “The enslaved were not bricks in your road, and their lives were not chapters in your redemptive history. They were people turned to fuel for the American machine…it is wrong to claim our present circumstance—no matter how improved—as the redemption for the lives of people who never asked for the posthumous, untouchable glory of dying for their children. Our triumphs can never compensate for this.” This book will be eye-opening for those

so much as one of hierarchy,” states Coates. It will also remain a heartbreaking read even for those of us who consider ourselves socially aware. Coates made me mourn the lives taken away as if I’d known them personally, and also made me angry and afraid about our vulnerability to state-sanctioned violence. The book was originally scheduled for release on the anniversary of the events in Ferguson, and the release date was moved up again after another one of the police shootings. The shootings in Charleston moved the book’s release up to July 14. Between the World and Me is necessary reading, and a book that should be required in all our schools.

structural racism in the United States: “But race is the child of racism, not the father. And the process of naming “the people” has never been a matter of genealogy and physiognomy

I always assumed these places would give me a creative spark, but often I found myself lacking it instead. I found that in order to thoroughly enjoy reading, I had to create my own sacred space within the four walls of my studio apartment. To set the scene for reading, I start with comfortable clothing: yoga pants and a t-shirt “do not disturb” and turning on Spotify to the “piano jazz” playlist. is by my side. I also always have 2-3 highlighters, a pen, and sticky-notes on hand. One of my favorite parts about reading is coming across a string of beautiful prose that I do not want to forget. on the page to preserve how the words made

me feel in that moment. Sometimes I read sitting cross-legged on my bed. I lean against comfortable pillows and delve into a book. However, most of the time I read on my faded gray Ikea chair. Facing the window, I can enjoy sunlight and catch glimpses of the trees and an occasional squirrel scurrying by. I tend to sit in silly sideways positions with my legs hanging sluggishly over the arm rests: It is the ultimate sign of relaxation. I am aware that everyone has their own reading ritual, and I have grown to love mine. I enjoy a peaceful escape in the comfort of my home. I can free myself from distractions, get lost in a book, and embrace the strange quirks unique to how I choose to read!

Athletics

Summer of Change Pioneers in sports are transforming traditional roles By Richard Mejia Athletics Editor

Becky Hammon (AP Photo/John Locher)

Jen Welter (AP Photo/ Matt York)

Ronda Rousey (UFC)

Most Valuable Online Player Fantasy football is on an unstoppable upward trend By Richard Mejia Athetics Editor

â&#x20AC;&#x153;These sites have produced the â&#x20AC;?

FEATURE

Commencement of Uncertainty Confessions of non-graduating graduates

As a student who is planning to graduate in spring 2016, one of my biggest fears is that I’m going to screw up and not pass a class or I miscalculated my units and have to stay at CSULB for another semester. Don’t get me wrong, I love this school, but I don’t really like the idea of walking with my friends at graduation in May knowing that it would be kind of a sham. Unlike the rest of the crowd, I wouldn’t be done with college. Finals, midterms, essays, the evil

group projects—I would have to go through one more round of torture, all for the sake of a piece of paper with my name on it. It’s a struggle that I have noticed other students face, and have often wondered how it actually makes them feel. In a way, they are brave souls for walking across that stage and shaking President Conoley’s hand. They are brave for enduring the pestering questions of aunts and uncles asking “So, what’s your next step in life?” These

Intro by Katie Cortez Graphics by Sam Orihuela

students have felt things that other students might not ever feel. They have have gone through something that many students don’t understand and might never understand. They are the unsung heros of CSULB’s senior class.This week, we asked some of those voices to be heard. Welcome to CSULB, freshman. Welcome back, everyone else—especially those who wore a cap and gown last May.

FEATURE

“...who has a set timeline for life? No one, really. There are no rules.”—Renee

By Renee Schmiedeberg I am rarely on time; I’m either too late or even too early. This time, I guess I was a both—meaning I’ll complete undergrad degree later than I originally planned but walked earlier than I had originally anticipated. But then, who has a set timeline for life? No one, really. There are no rules. Graduation ceremonies only happen in the spring, so many students walk during the graduation ceremony but don’t actually complete their credits until fall semester. I am one of these freaks. This phenomenon is not uncommon. College students have many responsibilities these days, which only makes graduation increasingly unpredictable. How did it feel to walk early? It felt like a damned lie, a sham, like I had performed an elaborate trick and somehow been able to carry it out. Every time a speaker at the ceremony would commend all of us on the completion of our credits, something inside me would twinge, but I brushed it aside, reminding myself that though my degree was unfinished I still completed the majority of my credits. As I walked to and off the stage, I shook hands with many faculty members. I’m not really a hand shaking person, I think a hand clutch is much more satisfying, yet when I saw one particular teacher I thought, “Oh, I’ve got him for a class next semester, I wonder if he’ll remember shaking my hand at graduation.” Then, I saw a teacher I love, and she looked elated to see me walking off the stage, but I didn’t have the heart or time just then to tell her that I was not completely done. Before the ceremony, I began to experience dark thoughts about the whole thing: What was the point of all this? I just want to get my degree and be done with it. God, do they need to string it out and sell as much merchandise as possible? The Beach Hut will soon be putting out “Graduation muffins,” “Graduation bananas,” and “Graduation Trail

Mix,” all for the class of 2015. I think experiencing my hoax of a ceremony helped me to see the ceremony for what it actually is: a sham. What was this idea we were celebrating? Hours of work, perseverance, the courage to learn, even by falling and getting up again—of course these are things to be commended. But why celebrate that now? Why not when I was in the thick of it? To me, the end of undergrad is about other, newer things, rather than focusing on what’s already passed. I guess what I’m trying to say is, let us celebrate when something is alive, not dead. I’m making it sound terrible, I know, but it’s not, really. In a way, I feel like I have more time to really soak in as much of this school as I can before I walk out. But in spite of all this, one thing makes me think I made the right decision to walk early: I was able to be with people I love during the ceremony. Many of my friends graduated with me. That—along with getting showered in shredded scantrons and greenbooks—felt like a celebration in itself.

By Trevor Desrosiers This summer I was fortunate enough to graduate from Cal State Long Beach. Walking across that stage with friends and fellow classmates made it a day to remember. The day was not only special for me but, my family as well. I am the first person in my family’s history to graduate and receive a bachelor’s degree. I celebrated my accomplishment and felt a sudden sense of relief, yet, that feeling quickly faded away. Even though I was able to walk during the graduation ceremony I still have one semester left to complete, and began to get this weird feeling that I was celebrating prematurely. I began to develop this fear that I was jinxing myself and began to

think, “What if I fail my classes this semester?” or “What if I never pass my required classes?” These questions and many more began to rush through my head.

By Tony Acero The sun cascades over a sea of black and gold known as the Class of 2014, and a large group of would-be writers and teachers group together to toss their colorful, decorated caps into the air. Mine boasts a glitter-gold Batman symbol. It is May, and everyone speaks of their plans—most include traveling, resting, and “drinking hella whiskey” but all that goes through my mind is whether I would take biology or geology next semester. You see, I’m in full cap and gown, and

“I began to develop this fear that I was jinxing myself and began to think, “What if I fail my classes this semester?””—Trevor I’ll be walking across a stage soon to signify my graduation of California State University Long Beach, but only in theory. In a few months, I’ll be back on campus to take the final two courses of my college career. The idea of walking before actually graduating is not uncommon, for I was not the only one with the plan. There is, however, a particular stigma about this lingers over the heads of students who “just want to get it over with.” I spoke with a number of them, who felt like walking would be unjust, because who really knows what could happen between the month

FEATURE of May, and the semester of the immediately following fall? Even I had the same thoughts; it felt like a preemptive strike against a school that has given me every opportunity possible to be a writer. I considered not walking at all, thinking it a simple show of something that a simple piece of paper could readily say in a few short words. I had imagined a hot day, where I sat for hours because my last name started with an “A.” When I was finally talked into walking, I shared the notion with others it wasn’t right because I wasn’t done. In short, I felt as though I was jumping the gun, or putting the Niner before the Forty, so to speak. These thoughts sat heavy as I sat down next to my college mate, Alexa. I nudged her, only half-joking as I muttered, “I shouldn’t even BE here.” She told me—in her ever so eloquent way—“Oh My God, Shu-up!” You see, the notion that we “premature graduators” don’t deserve to sit within the bevy of students who are just as anxious as we are to move on to bigger and better things is rather asinine, and I implore anyone who is feeling such anxiety to realize that this is nothing but a fire under the rear end of your senior year slump most are feeling. The reality is, once you’ve walked, you have pretty much made a promise— not just to your parents, friends, and partners, but to yourself. This walk across the stage is all theatrics, but it’s an act that is well-deserved and well-earned. If the question you ask yourself is “why,” then the simple reply is “why not?”

I began announcing to people that I was “graduating.” I put it in quotations and explained to them that I was not officially graduating because of those last few classes I had. I made a joke that I just liked dressing up and getting graduation gifts. But when the day came, it felt fairly anticlimactic. My family came to celebrate from San Diego, I dressed up in my cap and gown, took some photographs and waited in a long line with the many psychology graduates. While waiting in line with my friends, I felt like I could not relate to the group. They were so excited. They talked about what they were going to do after graduation and how good it would feel to not go to class and especially not have to pay for tution. I could not participate in that conversation as I had just registered for classes and began making payments. They also shared their fears of not finding a job and trying to pay off student loans. That was one topic I was relieved to not be participating in. When I walked across the stage and received my leather diploma holder, it seemed void of value as I thought about it not being filled for such an extended period of time.

“I considered not walking at all, thinking it a simple show of something that a simple piece of paper could readily say in a few short words.”—Tony

Reflecting on the experience, I can say that it was a very positive, joyous evening for me. The night was filled with happiness and we had an “early celebration” for my graduation. I felt like I was celebrating a step further in my journey, as I was so close to being done with my undergraduate education. However, I was missing the closure that many of my surrounding peers experienced that day in May. If I were to go back in time and make the decision once more, I would not alter my decision due to my experience. If I knew on a definite degree that I would be in Southern California next spring, I would make the decision to wait and go through the ceremony after I have officially completed my required courses. That would provide the closure that I was missing this past year. However, I am content with my decision as I currently face the future with an open mind and little certainty.

With this in mind, I sat—wearing only Batman underwear and a tank top underneath the cap and gown and readied myself for one of the most important walks across a stage I would ever experience. To those wondering if this walk is the right one, I ask you…how is it the wrong one?

“While waiting in line with my friends, I felt like I could not relate to the group.”—Anneke

By Anneke Van Ommering

By Beatriz Villa

“When are you graduating?” was the question I was asked at a family get together during early spring. That was a question I had been considering throughout the semester and had still been undecided about it. I told my relatives “I haven’t decided yet.” They were confused by my answer and laughed at my response. I explained to them that I had a few more classes left after my current semester and therefore was debating on whether I should participate in the graduation ceremony when I am officially graduated in Spring 2016 or go through the ceremony Spring 2015 and finish my last few classes to be officially graduated. I have an adventurous spirit and realized I may not be in Long Beach the following spring. I may be in another state or another country for all I know. And after talking with friends who had walked early and encouraged me to do the same, I decided to register for the ceremony and order my cap and gown.

Once in a great while, you experience a feeling of fulfillment and achievement in life, be it making the last payment on your first car, running past the finish line during your first half marathon, or graduating college. I received my diploma from California State University, Long Beach. And like the others who have walked across that stage, I received my credentials the fall after I walked down the velvet carpet laid out on the speaker’s lawn. As I walked down with a myriad of my fellow liberal arts students, newspaper confetti falling from the sky, I looked around at the many cheery faces. Faculty lined up to congratulate the class of 2014, roaring with pleasure to see its students finally accomplishing this wonderful feat. Girlfriends linked arms and walked down together with their proudly decorated caps. It was these caps, which so many students had put

an effort to stand out, that made me realize how I didn’t belong in the crowd.As I looked around at the array of bedazzled, brightly colored caps reflecting the 9 am sun, all I can remember thinking as I walked down that carpet was, “Fuck, this must be a really big deal to these bitches.” And no, I’m not hating on their caps. Honestly, some were really cool. My favorite cap was of a guy who had “Mischief Managed” with lightning bolts written across the top it. I am neither cynical, nor a bitch. But my experience walking for commencement of spring 2014 was rather pointless—and I guess I was a bit jealous. These soon-to-be graduates took time to decorate their hat, as a symbol of their achievement. They were happy, excited to

“My bittersweet walk toward an empty diploma folder made them proud.”—Beatriz be done with school. They felt accomplished. I, on the other hand, did not. Taking a full 15 units the next semester accompanied by various essays, projects and finals were waiting for me in December, I knew that, what seemed to be never ending, walk toward my seat was not the end of my college career. I remember walking toward the stage when I saw my family and boyfriend waving in the crowd. My bittersweet walk toward an empty diploma folder made them proud. I was walking for them. Do I regret it? Two years later, no. To be honest I am not sure that I would have regretted not walking. It all comes down to what or who you care about. I guess the sappy point to all of this is this: Do what makes you happy. If you don’t want get stuck in a crowd of drunken communications majors or wait in line at the bookstore for a fitted cap, just so some dick can tell you that you have a big head, then don’t. Or if you want to walk up early to curl your hair just right, apply the right amount of smokiness to your eyes, sneak collapsible flask in your gown, and wave to the loved ones who came out to see you cross that finish line, then do it. The choice is yours and yours alone to make. Other than sleep and a couple hundred bucks, what do you have to lose?

Lifestyle

Senioritis A virus that is dormant, but destructive It’s that time of year again when the leaves those ridiculously expensive books. It is unfortunately fall semester. Summer is over and we can cry about the fact that we are slipping back into the comatose state that are done. Little do college students know, but they have contracted a horrible virus. It is a virus that sets in freshman year and lays dormant until senior year. Like a virus this disease follows four steps: virus entering host cell body, virus invades cell nucleus, the viral RNA which is the gene coding of the virus starts to multiple and lastly the new particles are released and destroy the host cell body. This virus is known as Senioritis. Senioritis sets in slow and before you know

Words By Lauren Hunter Staff Writer Illustration by John Mueller Graphics Illustrator

Sophomore year rolls around and you have a new found perspective on college. You have one year under your belt and you think you got it down pat since your level 100 classes were a piece of cake. That cocky, the groundwork for cellular take over. It has taken over your brain. Then the light at the end of the tunnel starts to show itself. You enter your third year. You are a junior and you only have one year left.

mode, building more and more as the year goes on. year, and your brain is completely destroyed from writing paper after paper and all the highlighting, reading and studying. You are cocky because school is almost over and you

assignments that involve petty reading and page paper, which was assigned three weeks prior. The RNA of Senioritis is cockiness

body and brain are caput. To the freshman reading this beware of the dreaded senioritis virus and do not catch it. And to you sophomores out there

time. It is the blatant disregard for any form any schoolwork. Like a virus, Senioritis latches on to its host cell freshman year. As a freshman you enter college with a newfound independence and freedom. Think back, fellow seniors, to could skip classes and stay out as late as you your homework.

A New Year, A New You! A little change goes a long way. By Jack Villalba Lifestyle Editor

cockiness has taken over and is multiplying at an alarming rate. And to my fellow Hopefully we all make it to graduation and the virus doesn’t kill us along the way. I have the virus and I hope it does not spread.

“You are cocky because school is almost over and you are lazy because your poor college student body and brain are caput.” The beginning of any semester, especially the fall semester, is the perfect time to change and tweak the everyday things in your life.

school year and you need to clean out that place where your mental sanity is stored.

binging on American Horror Story at eight in

up and make it happen. Wishing never made anything happen because if that was the case

with something else. I replaced mine with

but all the wishing isn’t going to make that

because mental sanity is always good to have from there to keep that sanity close by. The physical trash and habits are gone but what about the toxic relationships in

onto the old trinket you found on your dusty shelf that you haven’t seen in three years. Items carry energy and if you want some fresh

room for new memories and a fresh start. Now take a look at last year or semester

more dramatics in your life. Even taking a break to focus on yourself is a good start. This is a solid foundation to be able to focus on the things you want to change.

to and hanging out around the engineering building is going to make that happen. After all this hard work, treat yourself. And no, I don’t mean with a slice of Reese’s

hairstyle, the sound system you’ve always wanted , or something that won’t break the bank because that’s a totally bad idea and canceling all the hard work you’ve done. A fresh start and a new you is totally possible with the right steps. Remember, it all takes some time and persistence.

Travel

Filling Up for the Weekend

Words and Photos by Brooke Dayles Contributor Staying at home can be fun in the summer, but come late July, I was itching to go somewhere new. I live just north of Los Angeles, and my sister had recently relocated just south of San Francisco. We were talking about spending a weekend in San Francisco to celebrate my birthday, and while I was getting excited, I was also doubtful that it wasn’t actually going to happen. On a whim, I texted my friend Jess to see if she wanted to join me. Before I knew it, it was Friday morning and we were throwing our bags in the car. My trip was awesome. I got to spend hours in the car with one of my closest friends, celebrate my birthday with my sister, explore the streets of San Francisco and Santa Cruz, as well as see one of my favorite bands, So Many Wizards. Even though summer is ending, that doesn’t mean that you missed your chance to travel. A weekend is enough time to make life-long memories on the road with your friends. Part of the beauty of California is that there are countless destinations that are far enough to take a road trip to yet close enough to visit, so if there was a place you wanted to check out this summer and didn’t, it’s never too late to go. So why take a road trip to begin with?

Here are some reasons to push you to get your car running: 1. Visit a family member you haven’t seen in a few months. 2. A band you like is playing a show in a city you’ve been wanting to visit. 3. Visit a friend at his or her college campus.

1. Stay with a friend or relative around the area. 2. Bring a tent and camp out - if the area allows it. 3. Stay at a hotel; there are plenty of apps and websites that give cheap, last minute hotel rooms. My friends and I have used Hotel Tonight and Hotwire.

trips that can help give you the vacation you’ve been waiting for:

split the cost of gas and the cost of lodging.

a car, go anyway. Yes, things will be a little more expensive. But you don’t want to end up waiting around forever for your friends.

Go with a loose plan. Don’t have every bathroom break, activity, and meal planned, but also don’t leave without clue of where you’re headed or where you’re staying. For your destination and one thing you want to do each day. Maybe a sight to see or a concert to go to; this way, your trip has a loose frame with plenty of room for spontaneity.

14 Arts

Your Autumn and Winter Fashion Guide

Creating in the Sun Molding my way through summer

Don’t fall behind the trends this semester By Madison Gallegos Arts Editor It’s almost one of the most popular seasons of the year for fashion — fall. Less sun means more layers, and more layers means more options and more chances for creativity. Time to put away the shorts

daring patterns. So, whether you chose one, you can’t go wrong this semester. McQueen to Armani, your trending styles

to get cool. Ladies—according to the runways, from Chanel to Calvin Klein, Stella McCartney to Alexander McQueen, Fall and Winter 2015-2016 Ready-to-Wear

Baggy silhouettes for street wear and

Story and Photo by Sam Orihuela Art Director as “classic.” What colors are trending this coming

dominate the runways. This fall and

Summer is a great time to get our creative We have three months of free room to needs the pressure of meeting deadlines in order to get anything done. This summer, however, I had the opportunity

the occasional,

Phase three: painting. I decided to go

to the last stage. the Industrial Design program here at CSULB. The goal of the class is to create a high quality model of the assigned theme and construct, prime, and paint it during

shapes are trending as well. Trench coats are in once again this year, adding to the “classic” theme of the seasons.

adding graphics, vinyls, and anything that This

Our professor decided that we would design a toy aimed to toddlers. I spent the

runways, proving this trend is growing, as it was shown in last year’s Ready-to-Wear shows as well. Every show either had the aesthetic of

The project was split up into four phases.

summer

project,

although

a lot and made me realize that I was in the Art Department for a reason. Art is a great outlet for creativity, stress relief, use of your time than watching television or spending three mindless hours on Twitter. Overall, this project was a ton of

and shaped it in the pieces we needed for to a fellow art lover. ones how to recognize shapes and colors. evening out surfaces, and sanding for what seemed decades, my prototype was ready for the second phase. Phase two: primer. The priming phase

Photos via Vogue: McCartney in moss green (top right), McQueen in black with maroon fur on lapel (bottom right); via Style.com by Armani in gray (bottom left).

Need fashion advice? Are you an amazing doodler? Do you want your art featured on this page? Contact the art editor at: arts@lbunion.com

Food

A Bacon Lover’s Paradise Bacon lovers united at Long Beach’s second annual Bacon Festival

Story and Photos by Sylvana Uribe Having attended last year’s Bacon Festival, I couldn’t

wrapped hot dogs to peanut butter and jelly and bacon

Tasting sessions were three hours long, but die-

Maple Bacon cupcake from Sweet Janine’s (top) Maple glazed and chocolate glazed donuts topped with bacon pieces from the OC Donut Bar (bottom)

Music

Hippie Sabotage at the Observatory

I’ve been following EDM brothers Hippie Sabotage for a few years now. I went to go see them on August 1 at the Santa Ana

Peace and love didn’t destroy the show

I heard by them was a “Stay High” remix originally by Tove Lo, but their version slaps better than the original. I had not seen them before and I initially didn’t know they were playing until one of my friends invited me to go with her to see them live. I replied with something along the lines of, “Hell yeah, I’ll go!” When we got there, the line was fucking long. I couldn’t stand it and wanted to go in there, get crazy, and listen to good music. I’ve never been to an EDM concert before, so I had mixed feelings about it. All I could

Photo and Story by Anna Elaine Abella Contributor

and “Do I even dance to this song or do I just stand there and sway?” As my friends and I went in, we were greeted by the loud ratchet ass songs playing from the stage. My friends and I searched for a good spot, we eventually

settled somewhere that was close to the stage. Their opening song was “White Tiger.” They set the vibe pretty chill; I had a beer in one hand, a blunt on the other, and at that moment, I knew I was ready to get my buzz and high on. Back to back, the songs were just an eargasm. At some point during the concert, I asked myself if I was really there, and I just couldn’t believe I experienced this music euphoria. Their songs put me through an emotional rollercoaster; some songs made me want to dance and have fun but after that, they would start playing songs that made me contemplate what I was doing with my life. This rush of emotions didn’t make me think any less of them, my body wasn’t prepared for those kind of emotions. Towards the end of the concert, they played the song “Riding Solo,” “Your Soul,” and “Stay High.” To my surprise, I wasn’t the only one yelling out the lyrics to the songs they were playing. HS would mute the songs and have the audience sing them karaoke

style. I thought it was pretty sweet, it felt like it was their way of having fun while the audience danced to their mixes. Regardless of how packed the concert was and how the people around me were shitty, I felt like it was the highlight of my summer. Their songs felt better live; it was so good I felt I could never enjoy their music anymore. Every time I listen to them, all I can feel and think about is how it sounded a zillion times better live! It was like as though I felt all of the molecules in my body vibrating. Overall, my experience with Hippie Sabotage made me realize that I need to go to more concerts and chase those spontaneous epoch.

You Know They Can’t Sing, Right? But you’ll laugh at them anyway!

By Mary Cruz Contributor

Lip Sync Battle is a show on Spike that started on April 2. The idea for the show came from the Jimmy Fallon Show in which he had celebrities compete against each other. The celebrities would lip sync a song of their choice and the one that lip synced better would win. That’s how Lip Sync Battle was born and became its own individual show. Bringing together some of the biggest stars in Hollywood such as Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick, Justin Bieber, Anne Hathaway and others, these celebrities battle against each other trying to out lip sync one another. They use props, costumes, backup dancers and anything else they can use to win. In my opinion it’s a very entertaining show; I’m not that kind of person to be stuck to the TV for hours, but this show is so great; I LOVE it! It’s hilarious seeing what these celebrities will do to win. I’ve watched all the episodes, and my two favorites are the ones where Anne Hathaway sings “Wrecking Ball;” she goes all out on her performance so amazingly. My other favorite one is the one with An emotional Terry Crews performs “A Thousand Miles” hilariously on Lip Sync Battle (left) while a very wild Anne Hathaway coming in like a Wrecking Ball (right).

Terry Crews lip syncing “A Thousand Miles.” What he does with that song is so hilarious. This episode is the reason why I began watching the show. Terry Crews is unbelievably hilarious. The songs the celebrities choose for some reason make me feel like I’m getting to know them a bit more as individuals rather than just famous people which is pretty awesome. So, yes I fully recommend this show and I think everyone should watch it.

“It’s hilarious seeing what these celebrities will do to win.”

Music

Photo Credit by Carl Pocket, courtesy of the Echoplex

Lighting Up the Night Seattle Doo-Wop group rocks the Bay Area

By Daniel Barajas Contributor

The Echoplex was abuzz on Tuesday, Aug. 11 with performances from Punk Rock Teens, Soulful San Franciscans, and A Surf Rock Quartet. Opening the concert were local teen duo Pretty Little Demons, impressing the earlybird audience with angsty punk rock. New headliners La Luz began their set with “Oranges,” an instrumental from their new sophomore album “Weirdo Shrine.” The Ty Segall-produced follow up to “It’s Alive” successfully retains La Luz’s signature Frontwoman Shana Cleveland’s dreamy vocals were punctuated by the harmonization of the rest of the band in “Sleep Till They Die” and packed a dance-worthy punch with “You Disappear.” The band seemed truly at their best in front of the crowded audience, with many singing along to the rhythm of “Big Big Blood” and “Call Me in the Day.”

After the band’s failed attempt to create a Soul Train dance line from the crowd, keyboardist Alice Sandahl opted to dive into and successfully navigating back to the stage. Bassist Lena Simon provided groovy tones throughout their set. Drums were skillfully provided by Marian Li Pino who, along with Cleveland, joked with the audience attempting to add a Mariah Carey/Will Smith “haha” laugh into one of their songs. La Luz returned for an encore performance at the behest of the crowd with songs from their 2012 EP “Damp Face.” Preceding La Luz were San Francisco newcomers, Cool Ghouls, playing ‘60s style rock and blues. They’re a band to keep an eye on. Their performances tugged at the feelings of nostalgia found in ‘60s and ‘70s rock and blues by adding a modern

“ The band seemed truly at their best in front of the crowded audience, with many singing along...” twist, supplying the audience with plenty of rhythm to bob their head and dance to. La Luz continue to establish themselves with two solid albums, touring across the United States and Europe throughout the coming months.

A Summer that is HARD to Forget Photos and Story by Kaila HARDaway Food Editor

A memorable EDM festival experience festivalgoers swarmed the grounds of the Pomona Fairplex to attend HARD Summer, this summer’s best two-day music festival. In its 8th year, HARD Summer returned to the Pomona Fairplex with more hype than ever. Originally created in 2007 by Gary Richards, better known as Destructo, HARD Summer has morphed into an annual event for electronic music lovers. This year’s lineup contained an eclectic mix from and hip-hop—everyone from The Weeknd to Schoolboy, Q and Rae Sremmurd were

among those to perform. The Weeknd, who was arguably the biggest mainstream artist of the festival, took over the HARDer stage at dusk during day one. With cooler temperatures and exuberating from the stage, the performance was brought to life. Girls and guys alike jammed to everything from his “Drunk In Love” cover (originally performed by Beyonce) to his own recent hits, “The Hills” and “Can’t Feel My Face.” singing along with every word and even had

security dancing behind the gates at times. I was lucky enough to arrive at the stage early, resulting in a front row view with other dedicated, hyped up fans. The duo later thanked fans for allowing them to come and play their unique electro-funk music in contrast to the other electronic performers. Overall, the “funk brothers” were probably one of the best sets of the entire weekend. The super duo of Skrillex and Diplo, better known as Jack Ü, closed out the festival at the main stage on Sunday and went all out, with potentially the biggest crowd of the entire weekend. Jack Ü brought surprise guest artists, such as 2 Chainz, AlunaGeorge, and even Justin Bieber, all of which contributed to the duo’s debut album. Although I intended to see all of Jack Ü, halfway through their set I migrated to the smaller stage to see Ratatat, a Brooklyn duo who hasn’t seen a HARD event since 2011. Ratatat charmed an intimate crowd with their guitar-led brand of electronic music, of their recent album. With a killer lineup and an ample venue, the entire weekend saw plenty of DJs, a handful of live-electronic acts,

Fans anxiously waiting for Schoolboy Q’s set to begin

some extremely popular rappers and an overwhelming amount of bass-drops. If you were diligent, then you may have caught some of the most incredible sets of this festival season, setting high standard for future festivals.

full of talented artists, summer vibes, and dancing with friends at the Pomona Fairplex.

Entertainment

Stoned Views Napoleon Dynamite will blow your mind By Mary Jane Weed Editor

The thing about Napoleon Dynamite is that it is a movie unlike most other contemporary drugs, and alcohol but instead focuses on

researchers as it didn’t line up with their predictions regarding its success. To this day, I am a member of the cult following this movie has produced because there were

it worthwhile to watch this movie. When watching Napoleon Dynamite, it’s a memorable humor and a signature cast of

“passed the knowledge,” however, a lot of subtleties suddenly displayed messages and themes that I hadn’t seen before. Napoleon Dynamite is a satire. This might not be such a huge revelation to people with sharper perceptions that caught onto the satirical elements of character like Summer Wheatley or the high school principal, but let me explain. First, let us consider the signs in the

place very obviously fails Napoleon and other youth like him, but as the movie progresses beyond the introduction, there are scenes that deliberately make statements about the growth that comes with multiculturalism. For example, Napoleon expands his horizons after befriending a Mexican classmate named Pedro Sanchez. Pedro’s identity as a Mexican among Idahoans is emphasized in the uniqueness of his

existing system. The popular kids, as typically portrayed in any high school, are all stuck-up jerks who accomplish nothing meaningful yet have the favor of Principal Svadean. The movie pushes the idea that everyone who has not had the fortune to be either a jock or a bully is doomed to a life of mediocrity, using the character of Napoleon Dynamite as the prime example. His older brother Kip is shown as a loser who stays busy with unimportant daily tasks and online chatrooms, hinting that Napoleon would

soundtrack (like John Swihart’s rendition of Trio Los Panchos’ Solamente Una Vez). Where before Napoleon had settled into the lifestyle of a doodling introvert and was being bullied by two other kids named Randy and Don, he was soon prodded into asking someone to the school dance to keep up with Pedro. This prodding continues when Napoleon starts going to thrift stores and gas stations with Pedro for lotto tickets, a new suit, and a dance tutorial video that ends up being key to Pedro winning the elections for class president. Even Kip, Napoleon’s older brother, ends up going through urbanization through his

Keep your receipt for The Gift WARNING: Do not watch this movie high as shit on an indica—you will fall asleep. Instead, throw everything you saw in the trailer out of your brain and into the garbage, you need to see this movie with a clear mind. And to be perfectly transparent, this is by no means a horror movie. vibe: slow, tense buildup scenes accompanied by the all too familiar suspense music. It’s the same old story of a married couple that moves into a new home in an unfamiliar town, tries to start their family but is terrorized by some weird dude blah blah blah. This theme is quickly abandoned, however, and is replaced with an unsatisfying and never-

relationship with a girl from Detroit named LaFawnduh, which in turn gives him the backbone to opt out of participating in Uncle Rico’s half-assed business ventures as well three of these instances, the decision by the Dynamites to go against the grain resulted in on the local community. I highly recommend that people watch this movie stoned, as catching all the subliminal messages suddenly puts this works like A&P by John Updike. It makes you think, but not to the point where you wonder if you’re overthinking it.

out of four

By Audrey Day Weed Editor ending revenge scheme. Don’t get me wrong, the “bad guy,” played by writer and director Joel Edgerton, portrays the creepy, socially awkward neighbor perfectly, but all of his you know it’s him committing these mildly alarming but moreso just uncool acts, but you never actually see them being done. In this approach, there’s nothing to actually be afraid of or that even gets your heart racing— the main appeal for horror movie fanatics. “The-fact-that-it’s-not-even-an-actualhorror-movie” aside, it’s not even a good suspense movie. You know what’s going to happen the entire time and they basically set up the whole movie to come to this ending which is just completely unsatisfying. Aside from Joel Edgerton, the acting is subpar; Jason Bateman plays the same straight uptight guy who is just not having it. The only good part of this movie was the cinematography, which is why I think Rotten Tomatoes gave it such a high score (the exact

same thing as It Follows, for those who have seen it). There are a lot of very unique camera angles and scenes that are set up in a way that enhances the chilling tone of the movie in ways that I have never seen used in a horror movie, or any for that matter. Needless to say, I went into this movie super high, which usually enhances my experience, and I was still bored out of my mind. Literally at one point my boyfriend turned to me and asked me if I wanted to leave, something he has never done, and we’ve seen The Gallows. So, if you’re going to not make it through.

out of four

Entertainment

Retro Review: “Yoshi’s Island” Twenty years later, does this SNES classic hold up? By Cesar Cadenas Staff Writer In October of this year the video game “Yoshi’s Island” will celebrate its twentieth anniversary, making college students start to feel old. But the question remains: is this twenty-year-old game still an enjoyable experience?

Graphics and Music

Story Gameplay

In Theaters Now: Southpaw

By Lauren Hunter Staff Writer

Southpaw Rocky Southpaw

Southpaw

“[Oona Laurence] blows all these veteran actors and actresses out of the water.” Do you have a love of the Rocky Southpaw. Rocky

Rated R Run Time: 124 minutes Directed by: Antoine Fuqua Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Forest Whitaker, Rachel McAdams

Volume 77 Issue 1

Monday, August 24th, 2015

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER: SALAGADOOLA MECHICKA BOOLA BIBIDI-BOBIDDI-BOO. PUT ‘EM TOGETHER AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? IGGY AZALEA This page is satire/parody and does not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus. Submit articlez to grunion@lbunion.com.

If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late Yo, it’s your boy Drizzy Drake. It’s back to school time, and I for one am not looking forward to going back to By Aubrey Graham school—not that I go to school, since I’m a rapper You, on the other hand, will be paying for your overpriced textbooks that will inevitably become your wishing instead that you bought my mixtape to keep you warm, wishing you slept in all those times you studied 36 hours straight, and failed your test. The degree will be the last thing you will see burning into your

This last weekend, CSULB saw among the most bizarre business arrangements in campus history. By Carrot Top Having just celebrated the one-year anniversary of its garden, Grow Beach announced that it was about to release a small line of chemically altered vegetable aphrodisiacs. “Our partnerships with Viagra has given our name a new meaning,” said Grow Beach Publicity to sell our crops, like ‘Lancelot lettuce’ or ‘Oedipus eggplant’, at local farmer’s markets.” It all started when an anonymous Grow Beach member initially began doing research into the connection

corneas as you plan a way to get back on your feet earning minimum wage at McDonald’s trying to pay the insurmountable mountain of debt you have built. But do not fret ladies, fortunately, and Beautiful. I mean: Brobdignagian Book Worms. Contrary to my verse a lady that will suck me dry and go on a rant on why without, Hermione Granger, Harry would not have been able to save the day. Speaking of Hermione, I’d like to send a shout out to all those book worms out there. Most people might not appreciate your tenacity when you are out there doing your thang

between romantic relations and foods after she learned her boyfriend had erectile dysfunction. “Vegetables can be interpreted as natural dildos and I wanted to learn more,” she told the Union Weekly. “What started as an innocent Google search about which vegetables stimulate orgasms best quickly resulted in lessons on how to sneak male enhancements into crops.” Grow Beach Committee, which overwhelmingly approved motions to experiment with COCK (Crop Overgrowth Chemical Koncocktion). “The idea went over with our marketing advisors really well,” said Vincent Holguin, the Grow Beach Project Committee Chair. “After our struggles with member retention, we

turnt, y’all stay Learnt. Stay in school, Peace. ever had. Take your time, and get that degree, baby. Who knows, you might catch my eye and so I can take you home? On a side note: to all those professors that keep telling us ‘thugs’ to keep pulling up our pants. This is college, bro, we aint raising our hands to go to the bathroom anymore. Don’t talk to me like I don’t know anything! That’s why I am in College, to get learnt not turnt. I think that last statement encompasses my entire message. I believe that no one will ever spit the will be all right in the end, while I get

problem by introducing sex appeal.” Grow Beach got right to work attempting to genetically engineer plants in an attempt to grow aphrodisiacs. Their COCK methodology consisted of dissolving the sexual enhancement pills in tubs of water. They would then use this “koncokction” to water the crops. “This resulted in unprecented growth of our cucumbers, carrots, and corn on the cob,” said Elizabeth Flores, Vice-Chair of the Grow Beach Project

Rumours have spread that companies like Playboy and PornHub have shown intense interest in photoshoots and Foodporn as a category of erotic “We also hope that Facebook will introduce simulations of our crops to FarmVille, even though that game is boring as fuck.” said Baugh. “In these depressing times about low water reserves and the ongoing drought in California, it’s nice to know that ‘Grow Beach’ can also refer to population.”

been a spike in customer satisfaction, and more people are eating their vegetables. Additionally, we will soon erect a monument by the trimmed bushes to commemorate our recent business partnerships.” The future of Grow Beach’s success seems brighter than ever.

THIS WEEK IN CELEBRITY LOOK-A-LIKES:

DOG MATCHES RIHANNA’S BEAUTY SECRETS IN NEW MAKEUP TUTORIAL, SHINES BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND

MEEK MILL RECRUITS PROTEGE LIL’ DUMPSTAR TO DRAKE BEEF; TRACK CALLED “WHATS THAT SMELL?”