Health & Wellness

The AUDACITY of NO The AUDACITY of NO

By Dr. Umieca N. Hankton Most Thursday nights since 2007, I unashamedly detach from the hassles of real life

and tune into the breath-

snatching world created by Shonda Rhimes. From Private

Practice to Grey's Anatomy to How to Get away with Murder and now Station 19, I remain invested in how these ShondaLand characters cope with life's unexpected changes. When Shonda's book, "The Year of Yes," was published, as a devoted fan, I purchased my copy. I spent most of 2017 and 2019 saying "yes" to experiences that caused me to step outside my comfort zone personally and professionally. Without fail, my greatest successes and revelations

came from my willingness to sit in discomfort. This path of curiosity led me to examine further how I moved about in

the world. Honestly, it opened my eyes to the painful truth that I frequently said, "yes," to invitations and people undeserving of my time, talents, and treasures. As a result

of chronic yeses, my health suffered. My body ached all the time and exhaustion became

the norm. I needed to learn to

say "yes" to experiences that scared me for growth. I also needed to learn to say "no" to experiences that compromised my health and wellness.

Have you ever agreed to do something and the moment you said, "yes," you felt a cringing sensation in your stomach or the urge to run away? Our bodies send us messages when we engage in activities that we should probably abort. For example, yes, I'll work a few extra hours to help you finish your project (headache). Yes, I'll adjust my plans to watch your kids tonight (tension in the shoulders). Yes, I'll let you borrow money to pay your electric bill (elevated heart rate). Yes, I'll listen to you tell me for the 50'leventh time your plans to leave a toxic relationship (fatigue). Yes, I'll volunteer my time and talents to your worthy cause (insomnia).

Here’s the thing, I know society tells us to make ourselves

available to those in need because it is honorable.

However, society should also listen to every airline that flies the friendly skies and tell us to grab the oxygen masks and place them over our faces first before helping others. Ignoring our body's internal messages could result in avoidable physical and mental health complications, ultimately costing us money and time. Saying "NO" is a form of selfcare and self-love necessary for wellness. If you do not believe me, test this theory for yourself. Notice how you feel physically and mentally the next time you agree to do something you don't want to do.

When asked to consider a

request, take note of what your inner voice tells you before responding. If the request does not produce peace, profit, or pleasure, decline immediately. Permit yourself the audacity to unapologetically deny requests, regardless of the person making the request. There is no need to follow up a declined statement with

an explanation or apology. According to the rules of assertive communication, "NO" is a complete sentence. Let not cross your lips if the inclination is to decline. It is okay to offer others a mindful no. However, your "NO" must be intentional, in the present moment, and without judgment, which is the very definition of mindfulness. Now, this is where the feathers may ruffle. If you have agreed to do something and later decide that following through on your "yes" will cost you more than you are willing to spend, then you can rescind your "yes." Rescinding your yes will present some consequences and you get to decide how you will manage those consequences moving forward.

As we enter the second quarter of 2022, I extend a heartfelt invitation to each of you to consider the following, if you so desire (of course):

1. What are you saying "yes" to that no longer satisfies you?

2. Who are the people you feel inclined to pacify, despite your inner voice screaming "ABORT" mission?

3. What needs to happen for you to channel your inner Miss Sophia and boldly say, "HELL NO?"

Dr. Umieca Dr. Umieca N. Hankton N. Hankton

Dr. Umieca N. Hankton is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Executive Director of UNH Counseling Services. She mindfully offers trauma-informed behavioral health services to individuals who identify as Black, POC, LGBTQ+, and others historically excluded. The information shared in this article is for awareness purposes only.