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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE 6 •ISSUE OCTOBER - NOV 2, 2010 138. 27 MAY 8 - 14, 2013
8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!
TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
20 MOTLEY CRUE 26 ZODIAC
Tyler Drake takes a look at the days of debauchery of this legendary rock band
Your astrology for the week
36 JOKES & COMICS
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY: WELL EARNED RETIREMENT
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
--In March, twin sisters Louise and Martine Fokkens, 70, announced their joint retire-
--Questionable Judgment: The Narcotics Task Force of Jackson County, Miss., arrested
ment after more than 50 years each on the job -- as Amsterdam prostitutes. (In Febru-
Henry Ha Nguyen, 41, in April as operator of a large marijuana grow house -- a facility
ary, the minimum age for prostitutes in the Netherlands was raised to 21, but there is
that would normally reek of the distinctive pot fragrance. However, Nguyen had thought
no maximum.) The twins estimated they had 355,000 client-visits between them, and
of that and tried to mask the smell, but chose the alternative scent produced by buckets
Martine noted that she still has one devoted regular who she’ll have to disappoint. Lou-
full of what appeared to be human feces.
ise, though, appeared happier to hang up her mattress for good because of arthritis. The sisters complained about the legalization of brothels in 2000 (with East European women and pimps out-hustling the more genteel Dutch women) and ensuing taxation (which required the women to take on more clients).
CULTURAL DIVERSITY --”Traditional Taiwanese funerals (combine) somber mourning with louder, up-tempo entertainment to fire up grieving spirits,” reported BBC News in February. They
PERSPECTIVE --While “comprehensive immigration reform” winds through the U.S. political process, a few countries (including the United States) have already severely bent the nationalistic standards supposedly regulating entry of foreigners. The U.S., Britain, Canada and Austria allow rich investors who pass background checks to qualify for an express lane to residence or citizenship, and the line is even less onerous in the Caribbean nations of Dominica and St. Kitts & Nevis, which offer quick citizenship for investments of $100,000 and $250,000, respectively
are tailor-made, in other words, for Ms. Liu Jun-Lin, 30, and her Filial Daughters
-- the latter especially valuable, allowing access to 139 countries including all of Europe. (The
Band with their acrobatic dance routines because Liu has the reputation as Taiwan’s
U.S. minimum is $1 million, or half that for investment in an “economically depressed” area,
most famous professional mourner. After the musical festivities, Liu dons a white
but the reward is only a “green card,” with citizenship still five years away.)
robe and crawls on her hands and knees to the coffin, where she “performs her signa-
WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY
ture wail.”
--The man who was “citizen of the year” in Waynesville, Ohio, in 2006, businessman Ron
---- Norwegian Wood: A 12-hour TV miniseries shown this winter on Norway’s
Kronenberger, 53, was charged in January with belt-whipping one of his tenants on his bare
government channel NRK, “National Firewood Night,” was conceived as a full series,
buttocks -- though he had a good reason, he said, because the tenant was late again with the
then cut to “only” 12 hours, eight of which focused entirely on a live fireplace. Nearly
rent. A magistrate said he intended to drop the charge in six months if Kronenberger stayed
a million people tuned in to the series, and at one point 60 text messages came in complaining about whether the wood in the fireplace should have been placed with bark up or bark down. “(F)irewood,” said the show’s host, “is the foundation of our lives.” A New York Times dispatch noted that a best-selling book, “Solid Wood,” sold almost as many copies in Norway, proportional to the population, as a book’s selling 10 million copies in the U.S.
out of trouble, but in March, a man who worked for Kronenberger filed a lawsuit accusing him of spanking him on four occasions, using a belt and a paddle.
QUESTIONABLE JUDGEMENTS --An unnamed man was hospitalized in April in Tucson, Ariz., after firefighters, finding him unconscious at 3 a.m. pinned under an SUV parked in his driveway, lifted the vehicle and dragged him to safety. A police spokesperson learned that the man was trying “a stunt in which he was going to put the SUV in reverse, jump out and lay on the ground behind it, have the vehicle
--Imagine the Person Who First Suggested This: The newest beauty-treatment rage
(roll) over him, and then get up and (get back into) the SUV in time to stop it before it collided
in China, according to Chinese media quoted on the Inquisitr.com website in March,
with anything.”
is the “fire facial,” in which alcohol and a “secret elixir” are daubed on the face and
LATEST RELIGIOUS MESSAGE
set ablaze for a few seconds, then extinguished. According to “ancient Chinese medi-
---- The Lord Works in Strange Ways: At least 11 people were killed and 36 injured on March
cine,” this will burn off “dull” skin -- and also alleviate the common cold and reduce
15 in Tlaxcala, Mexico, when a truck full of fireworks exploded as Catholic celebrants gathered.
obesity.
Rather than remain in the safety of their homes, they had been moved to honor Jesus Tepacte-
--Most of Iceland’s 320,000 inhabitants are at least distantly related to each other,
pec, the patron saint of a village named after him.
leading the country to compile the “Book of Icelanders” database of family con-
READERS CHOICE
nections dating back 1,200 years. With “accidental” incest thus a genuine problem,
(1) A vendor at the largest bazaar in Buenos Aires has recently been selling knock-off “toy poo-
three software engineers recently created a mobile phone app that allows strangers to
dles” that were actually artistically groomed ferrets raised on steroids. A news dispatch from
“bump” phones with each other and know, instantly, whether they are closely related. In its first few days of release in April, the developers said it had already been used almost 4,000 times.
June 2012 suggested that such a report might be an “urban legend,” but a Buenos Aires TV investigation exposed the scam in March, revealing two victims, one of whom paid the equivalent of about $150 for his “pure-bred.” (2) Wayne Klinkel’s golden retriever Sundance, locked in a car while Klinkel, of Helena, Mont., went to dinner in December, set about dining himself on whatever he found, including the five $100 bills Klinkel had stashed. Klinkel managed to recover the scraps (in precisely the way you suspect he did), washed and dried them several times, and as of early April, was still awaiting word whether the U.S. Treasury would exchange his scraps for five new ones.
PAGE 5
(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
WING NIGHT MONDAY : Starters Pub Wings 50¢ Wings • ½ Price Boneless
s Clubhouse WEDNESDAY : Starter s Wings ½ Price Wings & Boneles 5pm-10pm
se
Monday : Starters Clubhou $2.00 Dozen Clams
TUESDAY : Starters Pub $2.00 Dozen Clams 5pm-11pm
½ Price Burgers too!
Wednesdays, 7:30pm at Starters Pub
Page 6
Thurs May 9 – Fahad & Kelly Fri May 10 – Great White Caps
Sunday – Open Mic Night
Kitchen open 11am til Midnight
Open 7 days a week 11am - 2am
(corner of S. 5th St & Emaus Ave)
TRIVIA NIGHT
400 Illicks Mill Rd • Bethlehem (610) 625-0060 www.starters-clubhouse.com
Entertainment This Week:
1996 S. Fifth St Allentown
5pm-10pm
STARTERS CLUBHOUSE GRILLE
610-841-3610
Sat May 11 – Pitch Black
CLAM NIGHT
&
www.strangebrewtavern.co
Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews
5pm-11pm
$7 Sandwiches
24 Taps
Cheesesteaks
STARTERS PUB
3731 Route 378 • Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com
strangebrew610
WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
PAGE 7
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
CONCERT BEAT
CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713
Captured by Robots, May 12 The Darkness, May 14 Hollywood Undead w/ Special Guests Falling In Reverse, May 19 Sam Doom & Friends, May 25
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600 Saving Abel, May 17 Maria K, May 29 Great White, Aug 13 Bullet Boys, Aug 15
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY TICKETS 212-307-7171 Alex Sensation, May 10 The Killers, May 14 Rod Stewart, Dec 9
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ TICKETS 877-686-5366 Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12
TICKETS 570-325-0249
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
Trampled Under Foot, May 9 Lindsey Lou & the Flatbelly’s, May 10 Start Making Sense, May 11
TICKETS 212-777-6800
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600
Him Tears On Tour, May 10-11 Huey Lewis & The News 30th Anniversary, May 13 BuckCherry, May 23 The Janoskians, Jun 10-11
TICKETS 877-682-4791 Kellie Pickler, Jun 1 Blues Traveler, Jun 21 Brandi Glanville, Jun 22
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA TICKETS 215-336-3600 The Rolling Stones, Jun 18 Bruno Mars, Jun 24
MUSIKFEST CAFE Bethlehem, PA
Skillet, Aug 4 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 TICKETS 610-332-1300 Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 The Red Elvises, May 11 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 The Fabulolus Thunderbirds, May 17 Ke$ha, Aug 10 Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 Avenged Sevenfold, Aug 11
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA Page 8
TICKETS 570-420-280
Dickey Betts, Jun 8 Asking Alexandra, May 8 Aaron Lewis, Jun 12 Bullet for my Valentine w/ Halestorm, May 19 Electric Hot Tuna, Jun 25 Hollywood Undead, May 22 Mac Miller, Jul 16 Dropkick Murphy’s, Jun 11 Kansas, Aug 11
TICKETS 800-745-3000 Boz Scaggs, May 10 Brian Regan, May 12 Paul Anka, May 18 Motley Crue, May 20 -21 Chicago, May 22 Korn, May 23 BuckCherry, May 24 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Billy Idol, Jun 9 Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10
Menopause the Musical, Jun 21 Cheech & Chong, Jun 28 Dwight Yoakam, Jul 3 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10 Slash, Jul 16 Tony Bennett, Jul 26 Gabriel Iglesias, Aug 29 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22 Steely Dan, Sep 27 Jeff Foxworthy, Sept 28
HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA TICKETS 717-534-3911
One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13
TOYOTA PAVILLION Montage Mountain - Scranton, PA TICKETS (570) 961-9000
SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA
Dave Matthews Band, May 29 Kid Rock, Jul 6 Rock Star Energy Drink Mayhem Fest, Jul 13 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 16 Uproar Tour: Alice In Chains / Janes Addicition, Aug 9
TICKETS 610-898-7200
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Clutch, May 17 Alkaline Trio, May 23 The Dandy Warhols, Jun 1 Summerland Tour, Jun 20 Rancid, Jun 22 This is Hard Core, Aug 8-11
TICKETS (215) 922-5483 Peter Murphy, May 9 Todd Rundgren, May 11 Josh Ritter & The Royal City Band, May 16 Everyother Day/ Could’ve been Kings, May 18 The Darkness, May 21 Killswitch Engage, Jun 9
REVERB - Reading, PA 1409 N. 9th St
(610) 743-3069 Barb Wire Dolls, May 22 • Aaron Carter, May 31
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650 The Temptations & Four Tops, May 10 Storm Large & Her Band, May 11 Boz Scaggs, May 12 Bo Burnham, May 14
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0371
Eddie Money, May 10 Dark Star Orchestra, May 17 Lee Brice, May 30 Skid Row, May 31
Check Out Comedian Brian Regan this Sunday at the Sands Event Center
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
PAGE 9
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524
Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd, 610-769-4600 5/10 T.B.A 5/11 T.B.A Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy 5/10 DJ Keith / Joes 5/11 Jordan White / Christopher Michael Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
Page 10
BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 5/11 Blessing of the Bikes: noon - 4pm
BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 5/8 Will Kiss U 5/9 Scott Pine 5/10 The Great Socia 5/11 Serene Green 5/12 DJ Realion 5/13 Open Jam Nite 5/14 ASA - EM
Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Strange Brew 610 865 1028 Tavern Monday: Jukebox 1996 S. Fifth St Thursday: Karaoke 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke Sunday: Open mic 5/9 Fahad & Kelly Sunday: Karaoke 5/10 Great White Caps Bethlehem Brew 5/11 Pitch Black Works 569 Main St Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St 610-882-1300 (610) 770-1444 Vision Bar @ Sands Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Event Center 5/11 The Aardvarks 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 Jetport Lounge 5/10 Go Go Gadjet 3400 Airport Rd. 5/11 DJ Dynamite Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Tally Ho Wednesdays: 6-12am 205 W. Fourth St DJ Jimmy K 610-865-2591 Fridays: Mike Mitman
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 5/8 DJ’s Aaron B / Andrew Hugh w/ ML Dancers 5/9 Total Whiteout 5/10 Stellar Moo 5/11 M-80 5/12 Crazy Hearts 5/13 Element K 5/14 Joey Casella
Total Whiteout 5/9 Molten Lounge Sands Casino & Resort Bethlehem, PA
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 5/11 Moravian Graduation Party
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 5/10 Alex P. Sutter 5/11Woody Mann 5/14 Blue Grass Jam
GO GO Gadjet 5/10 Vision Bar Sands-Event Center Bethlehem, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
COOPERSBURG
Flyin’ Blind 5/11 Pocono Pub Bartonsville, PA
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 5/8 Rob & Blue Jay 5/11 Flyin’ Blind
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Golf Outing June Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Wed: Pong Night $100 Fri: Fresh Friday w/DJ Zee & Business Social Every Friday Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 5/8 Traditional Irish Jam 5/9 Yan Carlos Sanchez 5/10 Acoustic Gumbo Lite 5/11 Jack Marks passing through
The Aardvarks 5/11 Roosevelt’s 21st Allentown, PA
MORE ON PAGE 26
Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke 6/1 Rupall Drag Race Roxxxy Andrews
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
by: Mitch
L-R: Tom Gutekunst, Chris Fullenwider, Dave Meichtry, Jeff Crammer
Meichtry provides stability to a band that had been in a state of flux according to Chris Fullenwider, who plays lead and rhythm guitar and sings along with Meichtry. “It’s been about six years. When I first got in the band, I didn’t know many songs myself. I always just played a lot of lead guitar. Dave came in and he’s the one who knew all the songs. He showed them all to me. I always wanted to play more songs and be in a band so he’s the one who got me started.” While Fullenwider credits Meichtry with getting him started, Meichtry heaps praise on Jeff Crammer, who joined the group in 2009, for keeping Alias running like a well-oiled machine. “He’s been great. He’s the booking agent. He does the website and all the social media. Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years He supplies the and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights keyboards, the bass, for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s vocals, all the lights. through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert He’s a nut. He’s an tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE 11
As far as the band Alias is concerned, would a band by any other name sound as good? Jeff Crammer, the driving force behind this Lehigh Valley quartet, laughs when he recalls how their name got butchered by one place in particular. “They called us Elias. When people would call and ask who’s playing, the bartender would say uh-lie-uss. Who the hell is that?” Alias is Crammer on bass, keyboards, melodica and vocals, Chris Fullenwider on guitar, mandolin and vocals, Dave Meichtry on guitar and vocals and Tom Gutekunst on drums and vocals. They play classic and dance rock from the 60s through today and played a Cinco de Mayo gig at Stahley’s Bar and Restaurant in Allentown this past Saturday. Guitarist Dave Meichtry says, “Alias has been around for a lot of years with people coming and going – about 15 years. These guys had their own band. I joined them and we just kept the name because we had a banner. This band is easy. We all get along. No one’s a head case.”
electronic crazy guy. Jeff is hi-tech. He’s phenomenal.” Crammer has even developed an Alias mobile App for smartphones so that fans of the band can stay connected for music, photos, bios and updates. The band is ramping up for the summer season with some nice gigs looming on the horizon. On Saturday, June 1, they’ll play the Egypt Memorial Park Festival with Steel Creek Country Music Band and The Aardvarks. Meichtry tells me that they are the headliners to finish out the festival. “We’re playing with The Aardvarks in Egypt. It’s a bit funny. They’re a well-known, big band and they’re kind of warming up for us. We’re laughing about it. It should be the other way around.” In August, during Musikfest, you can find them playing at The Wooden Match outside on the platform next to the train tracks. Jeff Crammer says, “We have no aspirations to do anything more than we’re doing. We enjoy this. We love playing gigs. We love playing music. We play as many as we feel we can do. We’re having a blast. We’re the forty-something guys that are having a great time. We pick some nice venues and I’ve booked us at least a year ahead. I can’t even get some places to book us that far ahead. I do all the set lists, the bookings, the social media.” When asked about the time investment required to play in a band while managing its affairs, Crammer says, “When it starts getting to be work, then it’s time to stop.” Drummer Tom Gutekunst adds, “When we got this band back together, our whole goal was to play one show. We just have to play one show like when we were in our twenties. And now, we’ve played like a hundred shows. “It’s way exceeded my expectations.” Alias is online at www.aliastheband.com and on Facebook.
Page 12
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
PAGE 13
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
By Jimmy O
SOUNDGARDEN
KING ANIMAL
VILIFY
DEVICE
DEVICE
I’LL FOLLOW YOU
SHINEDOWN AMARYLIS
FROM CAN TO CAN’T
COREY TAYLOR / DAVE GROHL
PLOT: THE ICEMAN is the effectively dark portrait of the nefarious mafia hit-man/predator Richard Kuklinski. The film focuses on his years as a family man who kept his deadly murderous career secret from his wife and children until his arrest in 1986. REVIEW: There is an awkwardly sweet moment that is shared between the abrasive and gruff Richard Kuklinski (played by Michael Shannon) and his date – and soon to be wife Deborah (Winona Ryder) early on in Ariel Vromen’s new feature THE ICEMAN. While eating at a restaurant the couple uncomfortably gets to know each other over dinner. If you had no idea who this man was or why he was arrested in 1986, you’d almost find Shannon’s portrayal of the vicious killer charming in a rough around the edges sort of way. In the new film which is based on the notorious contract killer, Shannon gives what is simply a tour de force performance. He recreates Kuklinski as a cold and brutal murderer who lives a double life partly to give his family the financial security that he feels they deserve. Yet there is a reason why this is called “The Iceman.” When he takes another man’s life for his mafia boss Roy DeMeo (Ray Liotta) – or simply because they insult his wife - there is emptiness in his soul. He can put a bullet through someone’s head or slit another man’s throat with less emotion than somebody would while they swat a fly.
SOUND CITY SOUNDTRACK
THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE
TRANSIT OF VENUS
THE HANGMAN’S BODY COUNT VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN & SHADY LADIES
FREAK LIKE ME
HALESTORM
THE STRANGE CASE OF…
DO ME A FAVOR
STONE SOUR
HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 2
STONE
ALICE IN CHAINS
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
ANASTASIA
SLASH / MYLES KENNEDY APOCALYPTIC LOVE
Told through Kuklinski’s perspective, Vromen attempts to give a little insight of this killer’s mind. Whether it is his broken relationship with his brother Joey (Stephen Dorff) or the unsettling working one he shares with a fellow, and equally vicious contract killer named Mr. Freezy (a terrific Chris Evans), this is beyond simply a dysfunctional portrait. There is never a single moment where we understand his chilling compulsion. This is true even when we occasionally see him as a family man who loves his wife and his daughters (some of his families details were changed for the film). The family man aspect gives the character a little bit of heart and somehow softens the blow. It is clear that the filmmakers have given this character a little more warmth when it comes to his wife and children. The truth of that is questionable especially when it comes to his relationship with Deborah (her real name is Barbara). However as hard as it is to connect with a leading character with such a black heart, it might be a little too unsettling for audiences to see Kuklinski’s reportedly abusive relationship with his wife. Taking that into account, the film takes a few liberties with this particular relationship. Though this particular change made a slight emotional disconnect in regards to the impact the film had on me personally. With solid directing from Vromen and Michael Shannon giving a fantastic performance, there is no doubt that THE ICEMAN will appeal to those willing to take the trip. Even still, many may be turned off simply by the subject matter alone. The on-screen violence is not overtly gory or altogether shocking which for this particular story’s sake is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, one key to the success of the film is the straightforward presentation of the killings. THE ICEMAN is a tense dramatic thriller presenting a grim – yet seemingly more picturesque – portrayal of a cold and calculated killer, a role that is tailor made for the ferociously intense Michael Shannon. The film also features a number of other fine performances including Ryder, Liotta, Evans as well as Robert Davi and James Franco in smaller roles.
PAGE 15
10
BY CROOKED STEPS
Movie Review
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
ALBUM REVIEW
Volbeat
Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies
PAGE 16
In hindsight, I should have actually reviewed this album last week because Volbeat just played Monday at The Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg. This way I could have reviewed the album and plugged the show at the same time and all would be well in this world. Instead, I will mention how much Volbeat rocked the place and focus on the subject of hindsight. Would anyone have ever thought that the lead growler from the mid-90s Danish death metal band Dominus would go on to become the lead singer for one of metal’s most prominent bands today? Chances are your hindsight was probably not 20/20. Michael Poulsen, the slick-haired, stocky, Joe Strummer look-a-like, is the guitarist and vocalist for the mega-popular band Volbeat. Once a death metal vocalist, he grew tired with the scene and decided to change musical directions, while still hanging to his metal roots. Volbeat’s new album Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies offers something for everyone. From the head bangers, who were fans of Dominus, to the Rockabilly greasers who enjoy a good swing dance; this album delivers both musically and lyrically. Some are even calling it Volbeat’s best effort to date. It would be tough for me to make a statement like this because I am only a recent fan of the band. However, I thoroughly enjoyed this album and my right leg did not stop moving the entire time I was listening to it. Now my leg is tired. At times I felt like I was listening to the soundtrack to a Clint Eastwood film and
By: Scotty Brilliant other times I thought I was rocking out to Anthrax. I would have to assume that the aggressive Anthrax style riffs that are prevalent in this album are brought to you by Robert Caggiano, formerly of Anthrax, who was enlisted to produce
Hangman’s Body Count,” is the second single to be released and is currently in heavy rotation on The Bone. It’s very catchy and has a great hook. The next track, “My Body,” sounded very familiar, like something I had heard before.
the album and play on select tracks. He is now an official member of the band, replacing Thomas Bredhal who left the band in 2011.
Upon some short research, I discovered that it was a Young The Giant cover. Volbeat could have fooled me; I thought this was one of their own! Ok, now let’s get to my Crank It and Skip It picks:
Outlaw Gentlemen…opens up with a western style instrumental track aptly titled, “Let’s Shake Some Dust.” After the dust settles, Poulsen begins “Pearl Hart” by proclaiming “Lady pearl in jail! Lady pearl in jail, you’ll rise!” The song then transitions into one of my favorite riffs from the album. It’s a shame that the next track, “The Nameless One,” was one of my least favorite songs. It seemed like this was more of a “filler song,” than a memorable one. “Room 24” features legendary Mercyful Fate vocalist King Diamond. This is by far the heaviest song on the album. The balance of King Diamond’s falsetto vocals coupled with Poulsen’s baritone singing and Caggiano’s sludgy metal riff is the metal trifecta. A true head banger’s wet dream. “The
CRANK IT: Room 24 featuring King Diamond-A very heavy sludge rock song with a killer riff! Black Bart-An awesome metal song with sweet double bass. SKIP IT: The Nameless One- It’s a forgettable song. Lonesome Rider-This song was a little too rockabilly. Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies is a solid album and a great addition to the already extensive Volbeat catalog. In hindsight, I wish I would have found out about these guys years ago. Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
HARD COVER
Whiskey Beach Overview
For more than three hundred years, Bluff House has sat above Whiskey Beach, guarding its shore—and its secrets. But to Eli Landon, it’s home… A Boston lawyer, Eli has weathered an intense year of public scrutiny and police investigations after being accused of—but never arrested for—the murder of his soon-to-be-ex wife. He finds sanctuary at Bluff House, even though his beloved grandmother is in Boston recuperating from a nasty fall. Abra Walsh is always there, though. Whiskey Beach’s resident housekeeper, yoga instructor, jewelry maker, and massage therapist, Abra is a woman of many talents—including helping Eli take control of his life and clear his name. But as they become entangled in each other, they find themselves caught in a net that stretches back for centuries—one that has ensnared a man intent on reaping the rewards of destroying Eli Landon once and for all…
Taking Eve Overview #1 New York Times bestselling author Iris Johansen is back with the first book in a chilling new Eve Duncan trilogy that asks the question: will Eve survive what lies ahead?
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Forensic sculptor Eve Duncan’s mission is to bring closure to the families whose loved ones have vanished. She knows their anguish—her own beloved daughter, Bonnie, was taken from her when Bonnie was just seven years old. It is only recently that this mystery was resolved and Eve could begin her journey to peace. Now, Jim Doane wants the same kind of answers that Eve always longed for. His twenty-five-year old son may or may not be dead and he has only burned skull fragments as possible evidence. But he cannot go to the police for answers without risking his own secrets and dark past, so instead he chooses a bold step to find the truth—a truth that takes Eve down a twisted path of madness and evil and into the darkest heart of her own history. Doane needs Eve Duncan’s skills and he’ll do anything to get them. Even if it means taking Eve.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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Now that they eyeliner dust has settled, now that Poison singer Bret Michaels has become a reality-television choad, and now that the leather pants have been mostly forgotten and Metal Magic has been entirely forgotten, it is perhaps time to admit that glam metal mostly sucked. Bad power ballads were inflicted on an unprepared populace, too many bands were named after continents, Twisted Sister spun off from the genre into something weird and scary, W.A.S.P. guitarist Chris Holmes gave a interview from an inflatable raft in a swimming pool while drinking vodka with his mother poolside, early Axl Rose menaced humanity, and bands like FireHouse and Cinderella actually sold a lot of records records. Noted rock critic Butthead said this about Poison’s ‘I Want Action’ video: “I bet these guys like practice their little wussie dance moves.” But near the absolute apex of the glam-metal thing, rocker god Ozzy Osbourne was literally licking up their pee. In 1984, when Mötley Crüe supported Ozzy on his tour for Bark at the Moon, bassist and heroin-fueled lunatic Nikki Sixx attempted to best Ozzy in a depraved and nasty show-down. This was Ozzy way before reality television: dangerous, raging, three-girls-andtwo-beers-at-once, hotel-trashing prince-of-darkness Ozzy.
Seriously. Just 23 short years after they released a compilation album called ‘Decade of Decadence,’ they are scheduled to play a show at Sands Bethlehem Event Center on May 21, and are looking for an opening act. If you send an mp3 file by to WZZOFM’s DJ Jain (Jain@wzzo.com), along with the names of your band and the song, a link to your facebook page, and two contact numbers, all by 1 AM on May 12, you could play a 25-minute set before the Crüe takes the stage to an audience of about 3000 people. The presser fails to mention whether you get to hang dong with Tommy or try to gross out Nikki, but those certainly seem like once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Hopefully some local band can take the contest. Bands like Ratt, Stryper, White Lion, Winger, and Europe have opened for Mötley Crüe. Now that time has put ‘Headed for a Heartbreak’ miles away, I hope we can all agree that pretty much every night whoever is playing at the Funhouse in South Bethlehem is superior to Winger. Maybe someone with a guitar (perhaps you, John Sears?) could kickstart arthritic Crüe guitarist Mick Mars, who has taken to looking undead. They could use some life.
“We always knew that wherever we were, there was someone who was sicker and more disgusting than we were”
Powered by something more evil than heroin, but probably also by heroin, Ozzy snorted a line of crushed ants, urinated on the floor, and licked it up. When Sixx attempted to match the feat, Ozzy slurped it up first. “From that moment on,” Sixx would later recall, “we always knew that wherever we were, there was someone who was sicker and more disgusting than we were.” Drummer Tommy Lee took a perhaps more-enviable road to notoriety when a sex-tape featuring him nailing Pamela Anderson and steering a yacht with his enormous penis went public and viral. Probably a million American kids learned the more-practical aspects of how babies are made from that video (although likely few of them will have the opportunity to use the nautical how-to provided in the tape). The partying got so heavy that Nikki Sixx needed an adrenalin injection to the heart just to stay alive. He later wrote: “Alcohol, acid, cocaine... they were just affairs. When I met heroin it was true love.” Interventions and rehab sessions ensued, and decades passed.
You can check out Motley Crue May 20th & 21st at the Sands Bethlehem Event Center. Tickets: $79.50 General Admission $125.50 Luxury Seating Tickets Can be obtained through www.sandseventcenter.com And now these celebrated nutjobs, supposedly now sober, are Box office Hours: Mon-Fri: 10:00am-4:00pm Sat 10:00am-2:00pm coming to Bethlehem. Your band could even open for them. or Ticket Master : www.ticketmaster.com
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
BEST WINGS IN THE VALLEY AT THE BEST PRICE! MONDAY-FRIDAY 12-3PM • $4.25 Lunch Specials
MONDAY 12-10PM
• Steamed Clams $2.99/2 dozen • Oyster on the half-shell $1.00 ea.
Blessing of the Bikes & Riders 5/11 Noon-4pm Blessing by Pastor David Newhart. FREE FOOD COURTESY OF THE CORNERSTONE PUB
TUESDAY
• 6-10pm 2 / 3 Tacos • 8-10pm Free Play Jukebox • 8-12am Open Pool Table
WEDNESDAY
Come see the Coors Light Girls!
• 8-10pm Free Play Jukebox • 8-12pm Open Pool Table
THURSDAY 12-10PM
20¢ wings
HAPPY HOUR 4-6PM • $2.50 Well Drinks • $2.00 Domestic Drafts
UNCLE SMILEY BAND 5/17 9PM-12AM
DINNERS
• Salmon Dinner $7.95 • Swai Fish Dinner $7.95 • Rack of Ribs $9.95 • Rib Eye Sandwich $5.95
TRY OUR NEW APPS!
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• Shrimp Skewers $3.50 • Jalapeño Poppers $3.50 • Fried Pretzel $1.50
All Specials In-House Only • Kitchen open until Midnight Fri & Sat • No one under 21 permitted
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8
TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN
(610) 391-0772 BECKY’S DRIVE IN
Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE WWW.BECKYSDI.COM
CARMIKE 16
1700 CATASAUQUA RD
ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/ CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX
2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635
EMMAUS THEATER
CIVIC’S THEATER 514
514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN
MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204
THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St
MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON
REGAL RICHLAND CROSSINGS 12 RICHLAND CROSSING
REGAL POHATACONG CINEMA 12 Rt 22 PHILLIPSBURG, NJ 908-454-7500
610-377-8626 MVCINEMA.COM/
READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828
http://www.carmike.com RCTHEATRES.COM
TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES
6. The Big Wedding 7. Mud 8. Oz The Great & Powerful 9. Scary Movie 5 10. The Place Beyond Pines
19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878
610-863-3094
QUAKERTOWN
215-536-7700
SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD OREFIELD 610-683-8775
SHANKWEILERS.COM 1. Mama 2. Safe Haven 3. Jack Reacher 4. Norman 5. Starlet
THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699
roxytheaternorthampton.com
NEW DVD RELEASES
6. Not Fade Away 7. The Guilt Trip 8. Broken City 9. Silver Linings Playbook 10. The Details
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1. Iron Man 3 2. Pain & Gain 3. 42 4. Oblivion 5. The Croods
FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111
REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT INDUSTRY MONDAYS WITH
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AT SOTTO SANTI 10 W. 4th St BETHLEHEM
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) It’s paradoxical, yet true: Following rules and regulations actually leaves you freer. Not only do you end up ahead of schedule, but having things done on time gives you considerable peace of mind. Try to get a jump on things during the first half of the week, or an unexpected series of events could show you the error of your ways. The last half of the week, devote your time to exploring esoteric subjects in unusual ways -- in other words, try doing what anthropologists call primary research. Take this weekend at a slow, sweet pace and appreciate all that you have.
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) Your diplomacy is a gift, but it can also be a doubleedged sword. There are times this week when you’ll need to employ your most graceful communication skills and other times when only a blunt instrument (‘It stinks!’) will do. The trick is knowing when to use what mode. Generally, the first half of the week is best devoted to employing some fancy footwork and asking for extensions if necessary. From late Wednesday on, you’re actually better off removing the sugar coating from your opinions. Take the weekend to put your feet up -- you’ve earned it.
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Admit it -- there’s something deeply satisfying about a completed to-do list. Just don’t get so caught up in checking off tasks that you lose sight of the larger arena. By Thursday, force yourself to get outside. Investigate a new coffee shop or an independent bookstore -- you’ll have a conversation or an encounter that will knock you for a loop (or at least make you view a familiar situation in a brand-new way). Soothing your senses makes your soul feel at peace over the weekend. Long walks and naps are in order.
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) It’s important to be in touch with all sides of the argument, especially feelings that are polar opposites of each other at the start of the week. Sure, they’re contradictory, but your ability to contain equal and opposite reactions is part of what makes you (and everyone else) magnificently human. The more you work with this paradox, the more you’ll find life opening up to greet you with open arms, especially on Thursday and Friday. This weekend, try to find time to spend alone so you can rest, recharge and renew your vital spirits.
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GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) When, oh when will all these obligations come to an end? If that’s what you’re grumbling to yourself during the first few days of the week, never fear: The last half will be much more loosey-goosey. However, the quicker you discharge your appointed duties, the sooner you can get to the more light-hearted portion of your weekly schedule. Big emotions come up over the weekend. Remember that dealing with them is not the same as blurting out whatever comes to mind. Be responsible about your feelings.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) Telling it like it is can become addictive, but before you start sharing your newfound wisdom with others, keep practicing it on yourself, especially at the start of the week. While a little bluntness is effective, it’s not the only method available. Midweek, try being as kind and compassionate as possible when you’re figuring out home truths and you’ll find that your quality of life improves drastically. The weekend is a great time to give yourself a little pampering, especially if that means calling a dear friend and having a long chat.
CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) Taking seemingly arbitrary orders can be bewildering, even if -- or especially if -- you’re taking them from yourself. If you feel overwhelmed by all that you have to do, take some time on Wednesday to think about what’s so urgent, and if the sense of urgency is genuine or coming from some other place. Time off makes you more efficient, especially since your break will light a fire under your synapses. By Friday, you figure out what’s essential and what’s not. Use the weekend to pay attention to your senses -- physically, emotionally and spiritually.
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) You find the beauty in taking care of practical matters at the beginning of the week (the universe is in the details, after all). Just make sure you’re not so efficient at taking care of your own business that you inadvertently start doing another’s work as well. Midweek, the missing link you’ve been searching for turns up the minute you forget about it. Ain’t that the way it always goes? This experience makes you resolve to stop trying to control events and to go with the flow, which stands you in good stead over the weekend.
LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Figuring out what you want is the first order of the week. Go slowly on Monday and Tuesday, because by Wednesday your plan (or lack thereof) will demand all of your time and commitment. Thursday and Friday are slightly more bewildering -- plans may go haywire and for-sure appointments might suddenly cancel. Over the weekend, tread lightly, especially if you’re discussing a touchy topic with a loved one -- emotions will be running high.
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) You’re amazed at how a little organization makes your life so much easier on Monday, so much so that you spend the rest of the week trying to produce more of the same effect. That approach works out pretty well until Thursday, where you have to take a more loosey-goosey approach to events. There’s a time and a place for spontaneity, too. Trying to impose logic on emotions will just leave you feeling frustrated over the weekend. Learn to respect feelings for what they are and you’ll be a much happier camper.
VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Living on the edge really doesn’t do it for you, but organizing and marshaling your resources -- just show you to that spreadsheet. The first half of the week allows you to sharpen your leadership skills, especially when it comes to making the most out of the least. All this planning frees up your right brain, so spend the last half of the week dreaming big dreams. Use the weekend to process your emotions: You’ve been riding herd on yourself pretty tightly what with all this labor.
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You want to make progress, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’re not exactly sure what your ambitions are. The first part of the week is ideal for thinking about plans and making concrete goals. The more specific those goals are, the more achievable they’ll be. Use the last half of the week to explore other avenues of possibility that come up once you have an idea or two in place. Use the weekend to get in touch with your true passions -- no lying in front of the TV allowed.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Billiards Thursday: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 5/9 Hollywood Knockouts Hot Oil & Cream Wrestling
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 5/17 Neon Fusion
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200 Brass Lantern 1350 N 12th St 610-372-9311
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 5/11 The Rotten Apples 5/18 Sticky Frog
OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 5/10 Jonas 5/11 Romeo Vegas
CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 5/10 Meghan Cary With Peter Farrell On The Patio 5/11 Daniella Cotton
Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 6/5 Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 5/9 Steve McDaniels & Friends 5/10 Small Town Hustle 5/11 Erin McClelland Band 5/12 The Pocono Duo 5/14 Regina Sayles
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check out Hollywood Knockouts this Friday at the Hammerhead Lounge in Northampton
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013 PAGE 27
Photography Courtesy of Rachel Marie Layde
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
MUSIC
Drummer Wanted We are looking for drums to complete a 4 piece rock act. We have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462
Trumpet / Bugler Needed To perform 140 Military funerals per year. Primarily between Reading and Allentown. 609-504-9450 Keyboard Player Wanted: play “Classic Hits” from the 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s. Call Mike: 610-216-5501
EMPLOYMENT GET PAID TO WALK Are you friendly? Do you enjoy talking to people? Get paid to walk around your neighborhood and talk to voters. Get paid same day. Call Kelly @ 610-217-3751 9am-5pm, Mon-Fri.
Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com
Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253
EMPLOYMENT
EMPLOYMENT
REAL ESTATE
Driver/Warehouse, seeking dependable delivery drivers for Allentown warehouse. Must have a valid drivers license and clean driving record. Other responsibilities include stocking inventory and preparing orders for shipment. Apply in person. Jacobs Auto Supplies 1532 Sumner Avenue Allentown, PA 18102
Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com
Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300
Environmental Field Tech The job will entail light demolition and soil remediation. The project will be kicking off within the first week of May and looking for more Hotel Housekeeping qualified personnel moving (Comfort Inn Quakertown) now accepting applications for forward in that same area. Please the position of Room Attendant. call our offices to inquire within is. Weekends are mandatory. No (201) 414-5702. calls please. Reply with resume or employment applications are available and being accepted at RESTAURANT hotel front desk 24 hours a day.
Work with your brain not your back! $750/week. (Allentown and lehigh valley) Quit turning wrenches or working in a factory! call 717-718-4161
BARTENDER/SERVER Upscale Allentown restaurant seeking an experienced bartender/server. Must be able to work full time, weekends,days ,nights, & weekends. Qualified candidates should call 610-737-2183
AUTOMOTIVE
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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2000 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO 3.8L 6CYL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 133,000 MILES ,TWO TONED LEATHER, RUNS GREAT ! MOONROOF, AC/CD POWER WINDOWS, POWER LOCKS,$5,600.00 / 267-251-4997 3br - 2nd & 3rd Floor (Montgomery County) Apartment Available Downtown Bethlehem. Tenant is 1995 white Acura Integra, 119,000 miles, runs great, responsible for all utilities automatic, all power, sunroof, Security dep. required. Apartment will be available May heat, and dc sports exhaust sway 15th, possibly earlier. $750/ bars. $2,300 obo also looking for month. Please call 610-838-1546 a trade bigger car / 484-6950775 to schedule an appointment. 2br - House for Rent! (Salisbury)One, 2-bedroom house for lease! (Rental rate is $900 per month) Private, off-street parking for tenants. Property is located in a scenic wood area, but close to lot of amenitites! Close to I-78, just off of Emmaus Ave. $900/month For more info call: 610-972-7121
2001 Chevy Blazer 130k miles, automatic - runs and drives great, 4 new tires, new CD player, great motor and trans. $1995 / 484-788-9945 2001 Infinity Q-45 108K GREAT CONDITION, NO check engine light, like new tiger paw tires, Heated And Cooled leather ASKING $4800 / 484-951-0436
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
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H.C.
ALL AMERICAN BODY & MIND
Getting Old Talk Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.” “Heck, that’s nothing, “ said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible”. The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don’t wake up till eleven.” Toothbrush Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!” “Two of them?!” the teacher asked. “Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!” The Butler did it. A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed. “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!” Stuttering Problem A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can’t. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says “I’ve found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter.” So the man asks, “What’s he cure, doctor?”. To which the doctor replies, “We have to cut off 6 inches.” The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
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Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, “Hey doc, didn’t you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!” Finally, the doctor responds, “F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you! Mugged Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
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KATIE OSWALD
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 8, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 21 Lehigh Valley, PA
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What do you do to make money? I do Modeling, Promotions, TV and Film. Are you single, dating, engaged, married? Single/Dating How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FACEBOOK or DonatelliModels.com 610-921-5582 https://www.facebook. com/katie.oswald.56?ref=tn_tnmn Where is your best vacation destination: Florida with my big sister Crystal. What do you do to relax? I Meditate and Tan What sport do you watch the most? I love watching Football. GO DALLAS! What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? H2O What happens to be your worst vice? Vice means weakness.. & I can’t tell You my weakness!!!!! What is your best feature? My smile :) What TV do you never miss each week? Awards on MTV What movie would you recommend to our readers? Jango.. the best movie ever!!!! What is the top of your bucket list? Meeting Rhianna, I love her so much! Are you a spender or a saver? Definitely a spender MAY I BORROW YOUR CREDIT CARD PLEASE!! What have you done in the last year that is news to our readers? Everything I have just answered is news to my readers!! What do you sleep in? Ummm, normally I sleep in a sports bra and booty shorts. What is the worst pickup line ever tried on you? Have heard this one plenty “are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day” What do you want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew, but they don’t? As far as relationships go, guys. Stop chasing after girls who flee from you and neglecting girls who offer their heart! Foreplay, Sincerity, Communication & Honesty can be the best turn on ever.