Issue 175 january 22, 2014

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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE 6 •175.

OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE JANUARY 22 - 28, 2014

10 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done

by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant LAWS 21 LIQUOR Elle Spaulding gives us the in’s and out’s of these Commonwealth laws.

101 24 SNOWBOARDING Camille Capriglione give us the run down on this exciting Olympic Sport 32 ZODIAC Your astrology for the week

12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 47

44 JOKES & COMICS A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY: HIGHER EDUCATION

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS

A veteran University of Colorado administrator is on forced leave after her sideline made news in December. Resa Cooper-Morning, 54, “cultural diversity coordinator” in the ethnic studies department at CU Denver, also ran a phonesex business for which she took calls ($1.49 a minute, “phone sex that will rock every part of your body,” according to her website) during hours she worked for the university. Said her daughter-in-law: “I’ve been in her office, and she’s said, ‘Oh, let me be right back, I have a phone call.’ She takes them very discreetly, shuts her door.” A KCNC-TV investigation found that the phone-sex hours listed on the website had recently been cut back, from “7:30 a.m. until late at night” to “weekdays after 3 p.m.”

-- Two men broke into a home in the Lincoln Heights section of Los Angeles in December, unaware that the resident had moments earlier called 911 after glimpsing them on his surveillance camera. When police arrived outside, the perps asked the resident to tie all three of them up so that all would appear to be “victims” of the invaders, who had supposedly fled. The resident complied, but when police entered the home, the resident of course immediately squealed on the tied-up perps, ensuring their arrest. Two associates, who were outside standing lookout, were also arrested. Said one officer, “That’s what you call felony stupid.”

GOVERNMENT IN ACTION -- Florida’s second-most populous county, Broward, announced in December it was removing the agricultural tax break for 127 properties because it appeared their “farming” work was a sham. Broward’s property appraiser estimated the county had lost “hundreds of millions of dollars” over the years granting the bogus reductions -- as landowners were blatantly housing just a few cows (in some cases, merely renting them) to graze and calling that “agricultural.” The appraiser’s office, after auditing only a few of the exemptions, found, for example, that land occupied by a government-contract prison was “agricultural” (with a rent-a-cow arrangement).

-- The Ontario College of Trades ministry, finally implementing a long-ago reclassification of about 300,000 professionals, announced in November that barbers would immediately face fines if they had not acquired new licenses demonstrating proficiency with perms and highlighting and other aspects of women’s hairstyling. Even barbers who had cut men’s hair for decades and with no desire to accept female customers would probably need a costly study program for the upgrade, which one barber estimated at 2,000 hours and $5,000 or more. Said one exasperated old-timer, “We’re barbers, not neurosurgeons.”

GREAT ART! - South Africa, still transitioning to freedom after apartheid, has been slow to embrace the “performance art” that is a staple of American and European popular culture, but artist Anthea Moys is creating her own space, according to a December Wall Street Journal dispatch from Johannesburg. Recently she played an exhibition soccer game -- alone against an 11-player lineup.

Her “team” quickly fell behind, but sympathetic spectators wandered onto the pitch to help her, and she managed to lose by only 12-0. Before that, she had entered a 60-mile bicycle race in Johannesburg and, dressed properly in helmet and Spandex, she mounted a stationary bike at the starting line and began pedaling furiously as the other cyclists took off. “I’m not very competitive,” she said. “I’m interested in the joy of games and how people view them.”

PERSPECTIVE

--Medics and excessively confident law enforcement officers are facing federal lawsuits after, first, David Eckert, in New Mexico, and then a 54-year-old woman in El Paso, Texas, were repeatedly anally examined in ultimately fruitless searches for ingested drugs. Search of Eckert began when a traffic officer thought he was “clenching” his buttocks during a stop; search of the woman began at the Mexico border when she was selected randomly for “additional screening” and a police dog gestured toward her. Both victims endured hours of detention and bodily invasions, as officers and medics, continually finding nothing, used different tests to justify their initial suspicion. (Eckert received three enemas and a colonoscopy.) Not a single trace of drugs was found on either victim, and both have sued for the trauma and because both medical centers, in Silver City, N.M., and El Paso, billed the victims personally for the forced procedures.

DISABILITY OR DISGUISE --Police in Denver said the same man (still on the loose), in his 50s and about 5-foot-8, robbed three banks in the area in December and faces up to 60 years in prison if caught. Either he employs a finely detailed disguise, or he is robbing banks under a significant disability, for in each job he wears a “medical mask” and lugs around a portable oxygen supply.

POLICE REPORT ---- From the Homer (Alaska) Tribune: On Nov. 11, police were called at 2 a.m. by Robert Tech, 47 (better known as “Turkey Joe”), who said he was assaulted by Charles Young, 61 (“known in town” as “Yukon Charlie”). Joe was talking too much, Charlie told officers, and he had to keep hitting Joe because he would not shut up. Joe, whom officers found inside the bus he has been living in, said he declined to fight back because “I’ve been a leader of men all my life.” Charlie was arrested.

-- Low-Tech Thief: Kevin Cook, 25, told police that he was mugged in New York City’s Central Park on Dec. 28, but that the thief had grabbed only his cellphone. Since it was a flip phone, the thief took a bemused look at it, asked, “What the (expletive) is this,” threw it back to Cook and walked away empty-handed. Cook, perhaps a bit defensive, pointed out that it was a new-style flip phone.

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.)

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22. 2014

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713

TICKETS 212-307-7171

Michael Schenker, Jan 26 Jbre x Dougie Kent, Jan 31 KIX, Feb 1

TICKETS 610-434-4600

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 New West Guitar Group, Jan 25 Claire Lynch Band, Feb 1 Kashmir-Led Zeppelin Tribute, Feb 7

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Charlie Daniels Band / Bret Michaels, May 30

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Dream Girls Centerfold Revue, Jan 31 Tracy Morgan, Feb 1 Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes, Feb 15

TICKETS 215-336-3600 Kings of Leon, Feb 19 Lady Gaga, May 12

MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA Sunshine Superman, Jan 24 The Vulcans, Jan 25 Big Valley Bluegrass, Jan 31

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Greensky, Jan 31 Galactic, Feb 9 Rebelution, Feb 12

FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA

Reverend Horton Heat, Jan 24 Amon Amarth, Feb 4 The Pretty Reckless, Feb 12 The BlackBerry Smoke, Feb 15 Black Joe Lewis, Feb 19

MAIN GATE, Allentown PA TICKETS 610-898-7200

TICKETS 570-826-1100

Jim Belushi, Mar 13 • Kathy Griffin, Apr 17

SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469 Hair, Jan 31 Stomp, Feb 24 Skillet & Third Day, Mar 22

Yellow Card, Feb 4 • The Pretty Reckless, Feb 13

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA

THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA

TICKETS (215) 922-5483

TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Pixies, Jan 24 Dr. Dog, Jan 31 - Feb 1 Falling In Reverse, Feb 2 Panic at the Disco, Feb 5 Galactic, Feb 8

Mantis Music Showcase, Jan 31 BuckCherry, Feb 21 Dumpstaphunk & Kermit Ruffins & The BBQ Swingers, Feb 27 Animals as Leaders, Feb 28 Dark Tranquillity, Mar 2 Memphis May Fire, Mar 4 Broken Bells, Mar 8 THe Sounds of Animals Fighting, Mar 20

REVERB - Reading, PA (610) 743-3069 Bonz, Jan 23 Appetite for Destruction, Jan 24 Chimaira, Feb 6 Tonic, Vertical Horizon, Dishwalla, Mar 4

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA Megan Cary, Feb 1 Strawberry Fields, Feb 6 Wanamaker Lewis, Feb 7 Mike Mettalia Feb 8

TICKETS 215-572-7650 Elvis Birthday Bash, Jan 24 Transatlantic, Feb 8 Jim Jefferies, Feb 21 Josh Ritter, Feb 27

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA TICKETS 570-420-2808

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

TICKETS 877-686-5366

Lewis Black, Apr 4 Yes, Apr 5 Franki Avalon, Fabian, & Bobby Rydell, May 15 Reba McEntire, May 18 Michael Bolton, May 30 Rydell, May 15 Reba McEntire, May 18

1409 N. 9th St

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA

TICKETS 610-332-1300

TICKETS 800-745-3000

TICKETS 212-777-6800

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Demi Lovato, Mar 1 Robin Thicke, Mar 6

Sandlot Heros, Jan 31 For Today, Feb 15 Battle For AllStars, Feb 16

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Feb 7 3 Doors Down (Acoustic), Feb 12 Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15 NBC’s Sing Off, Feb 27 Billy Gardell, Mar 8 Huey Lewis & The News Mar 21 Mike Tyson, Mar 22 Billy Currington, Mar 27 Robert Cray & Mavis Staples, Mar 28 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29

Billy Joel, Jan 27- Sep 17 • Keith Urban, Jan 29

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA

Jay Z, Jan 29 Lady Antebellum, Jan 30

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

TICKETS 570-325-0371 Black Amish Comedy Feb 21 Dopapod, Feb 22

KIX, Jan 31 Fran Cosmo, February 1 Changes in Latitudes, Feb 8

CHECK OUT MICHAEL SCHENKER SUNDAY AT THE CHAMELION CLUB IN LANCASTER, PA

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

THIS SUNDAY

JANUARY 26

CHAMELEON CLUB WWW.CHAMELEONCLUB.NET reverb www.reverbconcerts.com 223 NORTH WATER STREET, LANCASTER, PA

ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA

1402 n 9th street, reading, pa doors at 6:30 pm / all ages /21 to drink

(610) 776-7711 ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

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Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22 ,2014

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524 1/24 Triage Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

BATH

Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St Grumpy’s BBQ 610-837-6670 Roadhouse DJ Statik 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 1/25 1/31 DJ Goodtymez 610-769-4600 2/2 Big Game Party 1/24 Midnight Shift 1/25 James Supra BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name Rascals Pub & 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Afterdark Lounge Fridays: DJ Cap Cee 6616 Ruppsville Rd Saturdays: DJ Trama 610-366-1130 Wave Night Club 22 N. 6th St 610-821-9283 Resident DJ Xtina Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

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Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More 2/2 Tailgate Buffet

Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 1/22 Tavern Tan Band 1/23 Scott Pine & The Conifers 1/24 Vega Fuse 1/25 Dirty Lance 1/26 Jazz Jam 1/27 Not for Coltrane 1/28 Born Crosseyed Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Trivia Thurs: Beer Pong Friday Karaoke Saturday DJ June Sunday: Karaoke Sports Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 1/24 Retro Party w/ DJ Cap Cee 1/25 DJ Cova Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason 2/2 Big Game Giveaway!

Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 1/24 Snowball Gala Whiteout 2/2 Tailgate Buffet

M-80 w/ DJ Tom Taylor 1/25 Molten Lounge Sands Casino Bethlehem, PA

Retro Party w/ DJ Cap Cee 1/24 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 1/24 Chris Trapper 1/25 Girls Guns & Glory The Broadway Social 217 Broadway 610-868-2555 1/22 Susquehanna Brewery Pairing 2/1 Male Revue

Snowball Gala White Out 1/24 Roosevelt’s 21st Bethlehem, PA

CATASAQUA Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

EMMAUS

Volpe’s Sports Bar 501 Main St 610-965-0311 1/24 Sydnie Keddington 1/25 DJ Antbody

BARTONSVILLE

The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 1/22 Coral Maze 1/25 Bad Influence

EASTON

Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 1/25 PBR Party Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 1/22 Open Irish Jam 1/23 BD Lenz 1/24 Serene Green 1/25 Quimby Mt. Band

PBR Party 1/25 Drinky’s Easton, PA

MORE ON PAGE 32

Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night 1/24 Social Call 1/25 T.B.A

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 1/22 Johnny B & The After Dark Dancers 1/23 The Benjamins 1/24 Sparks the Rescue w/DJ Tom Taylor 1/25 M-80 w/ DJ Tom Taylor 1/26 Animal House 1/27 Emily’s Toybox 1/28 Tower Suite

The Todd Wolfe Band

From left: Roger Voss, Todd Wolfe, Justine Gardner

With special guest John Ginty

at Godfrey Daniels

we’re in Easton at Rivals and I think there’s enough room on that stage for his massive organ.”

Yes, space was at a premium at Godfrey Daniels but everyone was in the groove and hearing some of the newer Wolfe songs for the first time was exciting for me especially with the added element of a Hammond organ to provide a some extra nuances and textures to the music.

I’ve watched Todd Wolfe and his music evolve over the past fourteen years and I’d have to say that he’s in a very good place right now with solid songwriting and a solid group of musicians backing him up.

The band has just returned from touring the Midwest and will play a few local dates for the remainder of January and then they head down to Florida for much of February.

I asked Wolfe how he felt about returning to play at Godfrey Daniels and he said, “Well what I like about it is after the show, I get to go next door to the Funhouse and rock out with the kids. I’ve done that before. At Godfrey’s, it’s great because it’s an intimate crowd. They’re right up front and you get to play your music.”

Sadly, Wolfe is planning to relocate out of the Lehigh Valley back to his native Queens, New York.

“I’ve done my fifteen years – my time is up. My kids are gone. They’re in California so I’m doing Queens. It’s sort of like the move before the big move…which will be California.”

I strongly encourage you to check out The Todd Wolfe Band with special guest John Ginty on the organ this Saturday, January 25 at Rivals Nightclub in Easton from 7:3010:30. The Todd Wolfe Band is online at www.toddwolfe.com and on Facebook.

PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC

Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years!

Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more!

Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please email him at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

PAGE PAGE 11 11

I first met Todd Wolfe and heard him play live for the first time about fourteen years ago in the Great Room at the venerable Lamberton Hall on the campus of Lehigh University. It’s an historic building, steeped in tradition, dating back to 1907, and Todd was great but the Great Room doesn’t have the greatest acoustics even though it was the former home to Lehigh University’s music department.

Just a few blocks down the mountain from where Lamberton Hall is situated, on the South Side of Bethlehem, is the equally venerable Godfrey Daniels on East Fourth Street.

Size-wise, it’s not on par with Lamberton but acoustically, Godfrey Daniels is a great room!

And never was it more evident than last Saturday night as The Todd Wolfe Band played to a tightly packed house with a stellar opening set of acoustic blues by the lovely and talented singer-songwriter-guitarist, Maria Woodford accompanied by master blues harpist, Dennis Gruenling.

The Todd Wolfe Band features Wolfe on guitars and vocals, Justine Gardner on bass and backing vocals and Roger Voss on drums and backing vocals. At Godfrey Daniels, they were joined by master keyboardist and New Jersey native, John Ginty. Ginty, who has amassed a healthy number of recording and performing gigs with the likes of Santana, Gregg Allman, Jewel, and Sheryl Crow, lugged his Hammond B3 organ along for the Godfrey’s gig and the collaboration between Wolfe, his band mates and Ginty was nothing short of astounding.

Of Ginty, Wolfe says, “John’s impressive. With recording and playing live, it’s been seamless. We haven’t even rehearsed.”

Wolfe’s latest CD, “Miles to Go”, which was released last summer, features the talented Ginty so it was a nice bonus to have him sitting in with the band as they began their set with several tracks off the new record.

In Roger Voss and Justine Gardner, Wolfe has found the perfect complement to his blues rock, psychedelic jamming style.

Wolfe’s band lineups have changed over the past fourteen years but it looks like he has settled in nicely with Voss and Gardner. As a trio, they have jelled and seem very much at ease with each other.

Adding Ginty to the mix, as Wolfe said, was seamless so you’d have to wonder if this might become a regular thing and have the trio become a quartet. A great organist like Ginty brings a lot to the table and it was a delightful treat to be able to hear the four musicians nail each song as if they had been playing together all along.

From my vantage point stage right, I could see everything that Ginty was doing on his keyboards and it was actually quite mind-boggling. I never realized just how much effort goes into playing a Hammond organ. There are multi-layered keyboards with different knobs and switches and Ginty has mastered all of them. He and Wolfe seem to have a sixth sense, psychic thing going on as they communicate with each other by a slight glance or nod of the head.

Speaking of Ginty, Wolfe adds, “I was thinking of some of the songs - like it’d be good if we just sat down once and just went over the songs before we went out to say, ‘you come in here and I’ll come in there and we’ll work it out.’ We’ve only done four gigs.”

Apparently, there’s no need to “work it out” with these guys. They’re that good.

Wolfe laughs, “Actually, next week, if he’s not busy and I think we can pull it off,

THE THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT JANUARY OCTOBER22, 9, 2014 2013

by: Mitch

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014 Page 12

HOTSHOTS! HOTSHOTS!

If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

HAIR AND FASHION SHOW TOOK PLACE ON UNION BLVD AT THE TONI & GUY ACADEMY IN ALLENTOWN

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

COORS LIGHT BIG GAME SPECIALS KEYSTONE PUB BETHLEHEM: $1.50 PINTS KEYSTONE PUB WHITEHALL: $1.50 PINTS STARTER PUB: $2.25 PINTS STARTERS CLUB HOUSE: $2.50 ALUMINUM PINTS DUBS ON 5TH: $2.50 ALUMINUM PINTS OLD BREWERY TAVERN: $2.00 PINTS SHRUTYS: $1.00 10OZ DRAFTS ROOSEVELT'S 21ST ALLENTOWN: $1.99 DRAFTS $14 TOWERS ROOSEVELT'S 21ST BETHLEHEM: $1.99 DRAFTS $14 TOWERS DRINKYS: $1.99 DRAFTS RIVALS: $4 23OZ DRAFTS VOLPES SPORTSBAR EMMAUS: $7 PITCHERS VOLPES SPORTSBAR ALLENTOWN: $7 PITCHERS STRATUS: $1.50 DRAFTS HOPS AT THE FOGELSVILLE HOTEL: $2.00 DRAFTS

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PAGE 13

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HOPS AT THE PADDOCK: $2.00 DRAFTS SUNSET GRILLE: $2.00 DRAFTS 1760 PUB AND GRILLE: $3.00 20OZ DRAFTS THE RIDGE BAR AND GRILLE: $2.00 DRAFTS HAMMERHEAD LOUNGE: $10 TOWERS FOSSILS: $2.00 PINTS KROCKS PUB: $2.00 PINTS COMMIX: $2.25 DRAFTS SILHOUETTES: $2.00 PINTS SPORTSMANS CAFE: $1.50 PINTS MIXX: $2 BOTTLES NINOS: $2.25 PINTS ROJOS: $2.00 PINTS BEER MUSSELS: $2.00 ALUMINUM PINTS DIAMONZ: $2.00 DRAFTS

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014 Page 16

By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:

firestorm of controversy that led the outspoken, liberal musician to write a song about it. He also recently dedicated the song to Trayvon Martin. If “American Skin” now has you in a depressed mood, then just wait till the next song “Just Like Fire Would,” to bring you back up again.

“Down In the Hole,” is not an Alice in Chains cover, but a blue collar ballad that is eerily similar to one of my all-time favorites from Springsteen, “I’m On Fire.” I really like the Celtic arrangement on the short, but sweet, “This Is Your Sword.” The downon-your-luck sentiment that resonates in most of Springsteen’s songs is evident in “The Hunger of Invisible Game.” With the lyrics “We all come up a little short and we go down hard \ these days I spend my time skipping through the dark \ these days I spend my time skipping through the dark \ I am the hunter of invisible game,” you can’t help but get chills from this song. Morello shows of his guitar prowess again with his signature slide solo in the reworked, and sped up, “The Ghost of Tom Joad.”

With Morello being such a huge fan of Springsteen, Rage Against the Machine covered this a few years ago. The album ends with a cover of Suicide’s “Dream Baby Dream,” a simple, no-frills love song.

Crank It High Hopes Harry’s Place Down In the Hole The Ghost of Tom Joad Skip It Heaven’s Wall Dream Baby Dream Springsteen has indeed proved himself to be one of the most, if not the most, prolific songwriter of our time. While High Hopes is nothing groundbreaking in his already extensive catalog, it does fulfill avid fan’s dream to have his unreleased tracks rerecorded to see the light of day.

One thing is surely evident, The Boss is still on top of his game, just like he’s been for the past 64 years!

Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.

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“BRUUUUCCEEEEE!!!!” can be heard reverberating from inside stadiums and arenas around the world when a certain performer is giving it his all during what is most likely nothing short of a three-hour concert. That certain performer just so happens to have the same first name as what the crowd is enthusiastically bellowing in between songs, a performer that needs very little introduction, Bruce Springsteen. What has become a household name (at least in my household), Springsteen is synonymous with Rock ‘n’ Roll and New Jersey. Being a Jersey boy myself, I was raised on the poetic folk rock anthems created by the man who has come to be known as “The Boss.” I have seen him in concert numerous times and I can honestly say that he is my favorite live performer. Every time the 64-year old Springsteen takes the stage, he holds nothing back, leaving it all out there. There is something unique and special about seeing him live, which makes it worth waking up early on Saturday morning to purchase (expensive) tickets. With that being said, over the years I have come to learn that Springsteen is one of those musicians that you either love or hate. I worked with two guys at my former radio job that would argue constantly about Springsteen, one hated him and one was a huge fan. I guess if you can get past his “preachy” persona, you can truly appreciate how gifted of a songwriter and musician he really is.

Instead of going over his life story, which wouldn’t come close to fitting on one page, I’ll just skip right to reviewing his new album, High Hopes. With pun intended, I would say that most didn’t have “high hopes” about this album because, essentially, there isn’t any new material on it. It is a collection of covers and re-recorded unreleased songs, some of which include former Rage Against the Machine guitarist (amongst many other bands), Tom Morello. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Springsteen said, “The best way to describe this record is that’s it’s a bit of an anomaly but not much. I don’t really work linearly like a lot of people do.”

The album’s very upbeat title track, which was originally recorded in 1995 for the Blood Brothers (EP), now features Morello’s slick guitar contributions and a sweet horn arrangement; this is a great lead-in track. The f-bomb laden “Harry’s Place,” Springsteen does what does best, and that’s tell a story. It might be a deep, dark song but it conveys the story of a seedy bar where you can find the dregs of society congregating. Listen carefully for a sweet, hardcore breakdown at the end, something that might be a first on a Springsteen album. I remember when “American Skin (41 Shots)” was first released and how controversial it was. No, it’s not about you on your 21st birthday. It’s based on an actual event that occurred in 1999 where plain-clothed NYPD officers fired a combined total of 41 shots at an unarmed Guinean immigrant named Amadou Diallo, who fit the profile of a wanted serial rapist. Of the 41 shots that were fired, 19 struck Diallo. This ignited a

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013

ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

SHEPHERD OF FIRE

AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING

TIRED

STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1

BATTLE BORN

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2

ADRENALINE

PLOT: After a series of murders and a recent disappearance of a little girl an Israeli officer finds that he must pursue the suspect outside of the law. Questions of guilt and the pursuit of justice and revenge get complicated when the father of the missing girl gets involved in this dangerous game of life and death.

REVIEW: There is something deeply disturbing at the heart of BIG BAD WOLVES and I mean that in the best possible way. The thriller features a razor sharp comedic edge that maneuvers its way through this revenge fueled tale. While this Israeli offering is slightly similar in structure to the recent PRISONERS, it masks its bleak nature with subversive black humor. In many ways, this is a much darker film than the Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal starrer thanks to its brutal nature and the heinous crimes involved. Thankfully, the filmmakers Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado present this horrendous fable with energy and suspense creating an intriguing nightmare that will keep you guessing from the very first scene.

SHINEDOWN AMARYLLIS

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX

WHAT IF I WAS NOTHING ALL THAT REMAINS A WAR YOU CANNOT WIN

BY AND DOWN

A PERFECT CIRCLE

360

SIRENS

PEARL JAM

LIGHTNING BOLT

LOLA MONTEZ

VOLBEAT

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ADDICTED TO PAIN

ALTER BRIDGE FORTRESS

It all begins with three children playing hide and go seek. Unfortunately for one, she is not found by her two friends or anybody else for that matter. An investigation begins and quickly we are introduced to the prime suspect Dror (Rotem Keinan), an unassuming religious studies teacher who was witnessed at the scene of the crime. After overzealous officers Micki and Rami (Lior Ashkenazi and Menashe Noy) “interrogate” the man illegally with the help of a couple of thugs, Dror is set free. This leads to a temporary suspension for Rami who begins his own off-duty investigation and follows Dror. Soon, both the officer and the suspect are faced with another player involved in this twisted game, Yoram (Doval’e Glickman) who is the father of the missing girl.

For much of WOLVES running time, the focus remains on the three main characters Rami, Dror and Yoram. The actors are all quite impressive not only in regards to the serious nature but the comedic elements as well. A phone call from “Mom” to Yoram during an inopportune time works better than it should thanks not only Glickman but the two others as well. The three actors have an immensely strong connection and the more we learn about each, the more layers are revealed. Much of the film takes place in a single location so the mid-section is a reminder that this could have easily been done on-stage. This is not necessarily a complaint as the cast could very well have made this work either way.

Thankfully the cast isn’t the only thing that works. Visually this is a striking feature with a strong cinematic approach. While I had mentioned this could have been recreated onstage, the look of the film is just as impressive as the script and the performances. When it comes to the violence it can be gruesome, yet the directors give you just enough to think you are seeing more bloodshed than you actually do. This helps make the scenes of torture nerve-wracking and not because of what is on-screen. BIG BAD WOLVES is an intriguing look at revenge and what drives someone to take the law into their own hands. It is a smart and suspenseful portrayal of the evil that may be hidden deep within us all.

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10

By Chris Bumbray

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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By Elle Spaulding

THE BEAT JANUARY 22, 201413, 2013 THEVALLEY VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER

The alcohol laws in Pennsylvania are awful. The fact that Pennsylvania’s alcohol laws haven’t changed much since the end of prohibition and that Pennsylvania remains one of only two states in the entire union to have complete control of liquor sales is well known, but recently when Governor Tom Corbett signed into law Act 90 in November which would take into affect on January 27th of this year and allow for limited gambling related bar games, Pennsylvania liquor laws have reached a new low.

Act 90 allows businesses licensed to sell alcohol the opportunity to purchase another separate license enabling them to host three specific games: pull tabs, raffles and daily drawings. Three games, that’s it. Although I’m personally not too interested in gambling, I am very much willing to bet that bingo nights at any local senior citizens’ home is far more interesting and high stakes an a pull tab.

Additionally bar owners who apply for this separate license will need to submit a nonrefundable $2000 application fee and, if accepted, the license itself will cost an additional $4000. Furthermore as long as the license is active, bars will be taxed 65% of any revenue that they get from these newly approved bar games.

I know that some might argue that this is a small improvement, since it is finally a step forward after many failed attempts at improving the infamously puritanical alcohol laws that Pennsylvania has been stricken with since prohibition, but I argue that with three bar games, at a cost of $6000 these new laws are so intensely limited and excessively costly that they come across as desultory if not out right insulting.

The debate surrounding gambling in establishments that serve liquor had already been settled when Pennsylvania opened its doors to the creation of casinos. Residents of the Lehigh Valley, Bethlehem in particular, should be more than aware of this since Sands Casino has pretty much become an integral part of the business community here and a quick walk through the casino will pretty much inform any casual observer immediately that alcohol and gambling are not mutually exclusive in Pennsylvania.

What are excluded in these new sets of laws are small businesses. It should go without saying that a small business does not have the type of cash flow that a large franchise casino has. $6000 probably doesn’t mean much to a casino. Yet the liquor laws in Pennsylvania hurt small businesses by making it impossible for them to offer even close to a reasonable value proposition by either making it too expensive to do so or by prohibiting it entirely. Bars don’t need to be casinos, but they do need to be able to host reasonable events without fear of retribution from the state government.

When I was in college, I attended a school that was not in Pennsylvania and some of my favorite nights out at the local college bars were when those bars hosted beer pong tournaments; such events are illegal in Pennsylvania because of a state ban on events whereby participants consume alcohol.

A few Sundays from now when the biggest day in American sports each year plays out in bars and taverns across the state, tavern owners will still be unable to benefit from promote or even knowingly allow on premise various sports betting pools that may want to be established.

These laws are ridiculous. I can imagine very few local taverns that would agree to pay the licensing fee, deal with all of the paperwork and subject themselves to state government regulation in addition to managing the work to actually get these games set up.

It seems to me that until real liquor law reform happens in Pennsylvania, smaller local businesses will bear the brunt of the state government’s mistakes and hurting small businesses is not an economic idea that I would be very happy gambling with.

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STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA VERSUS

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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1. Lone Survivor 2. Frozen 3. The Legend of Hercules 4. The Wolf of Wall Street 5. American Hustle

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22,2014

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)

A nagging voice in your head is like your own private DVD commentary on Monday and Tuesday. If only it had a sense of humor! Then, on Wednesday, the irrelevant periphery falls away and you find yourself staring into the eyes of someone you feel awfully strongly about. Ah, beauty! Ah, romance! Your infatuation with this person has you feeling possessive on Friday, but give them space. Saturday you sense that some major changes in your life are afoot, and Sunday you’re glowing.

TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20)

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)

Your life blossoms like a flower this week. Monday and Tuesday you are happier and more engaged than you’ve been in a while. And your heart is thumping faster than ever. You and you-know-who make quite a team. Cash, companionship and concerts are in the stars Tuesday.

Wednesday and Thursday return you to real life, but everything is brighter and better than usual. Some fairly deep emotions come to the surface on Friday -- you clearly care about this person -- and Saturday sparks a passionate interaction. Sunday finds you a bit more distant, almost philosophical.

GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21)

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LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)

The details are overwhelming on Monday and Tuesday.

Something small, a proverbial straw on the camel’s back, will be the end of you -- unless you do something healthy for your mind and body. Something to blow off steam.

Sprinting is one way to go. Or group sports. Wednesday and Thursday, you’ll be so wrapped up in your own head that you’ll forget to pay attention to someone who needs you. As soon as you focus on them, all else will figure itself out. Friday and Saturday are dreamy and portentous, but Sunday is light-hearted, fun and exciting.

A secret finds its way into your awareness on Monday or Tuesday. You’ve become someone’s confidante. You are flattered by their trust. Internally, this week is quite positive for you -- although midweek you may find you don’t have much patience for small talk, decision-making or social situations, what with all the thoughts swimming through your head -- but by Friday you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who are genuinely interested in you. They practically idolize you. Saturday and Sunday.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21)

No matter how much you deserve a bonus, the start of the week is not the time to be dropping hints. You’re better off making sure you don’t drop your coffee.

You’ll be doing forty million things at once. The fast-forward blur of Monday and Tuesday slows down to a normal pace on Wednesday and Thursday -- you may even have enough time to be social midweek (what a luxury!) -- and by Friday you’re in bona fide slow-mo. This gives you plenty of time to ponder your future. The weekend, especially Sunday, is ideal for goal setting.

Every time you add up the numbers on Monday, you come up with a different sum. Frustrating! Your head is clearly on other matters. (On other continents?) Steel your focus on Tuesday and try to get the paperwork dealt with.

Wednesday and Thursday you can turn off your brain and be purely on the lookout for a good time. Romance, too, is in the stars. Friday you find yourself entering into a friendship -- or a relationship -- you feel unsure about. Saturday you’re in observation mode. But Sunday, relationships and partners are positive themes. So is adventure.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) A simple fact -- small, beautiful, true -- means the You are attuned to the edges of things on Monday, the world to you on Monday. It solves a puzzle you’ve contrasts, the subtle distinctions. You are perspicacious to been working on for weeks in your mind. It may put the last. Dive into a project that needs some cleaning up, you in the mood to conduct still more research, place that puts you in touch with people you admire and that lets some calls, advance to the next step in a project. you enjoy yourself. Wednesday and Thursday, enjoyment Wednesday is a great day to start something, and Thursday you have energy to spare. Your detachment will be at a minimum -- a bump in the road in your relationship with someone at home challenges you -- and the from emotional matters on Friday puts you in the ideal workweek ends on a hazy note. You go into the weekend frame of mind to make a big decision, and Saturday unsure of where you stand. Do something for yourself this and Sunday find you racing with full speed toward accomplishing a major goal. weekend. Cancel social plans. Be a free agent.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Everything is peachy-keen on the surface, but an There is less money to go around at the outset of the interest in other people’s motives has you looking week than you’d like. Such is life. But strangely, you find deeply at your life on Monday and Tuesday. It’s unbeing thrifty sort of fun. You can get into eating noodles. clear what the future holds and, especially, what your By the middle of the week, you are so distracted by the financial outlook is -- so be careful in business deals. funny things falling out of friends’ mouths you are barely Wednesday and Thursday are less about business and thinking about money (or the lack thereof). A creative date more about buddies (you might meet someone new, or on Thursday might not cost you a dime. On Friday and connect with a pal in a way you never have before), but Saturday, deep issues and family matters are in the stars, Friday once again finds you focused on career matters. as is a strong sense of ego. Sunday is fiery and wild and On Saturday, avoid situations where you might feel romantic -- you lucky dog. exposed.

VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You are perfectly happy to spend Monday and Tuesday Your intuition won’t let you down at the start of the cleaning out your car, cleaning up your office -- clean- week. Feel free to make a decision before you have ing anything, really. You have headphones. You’re in a all the facts you think you need. If necessary, you can good mood. And you love it when your life is tidy. New always alter course as new information arrives. The new projects figure strongly the first half of the week, but information that arrives on Wednesday and Thursday don’t put your money where your mouth is, not yet at may strangely enough come in the form of dissention least. Be careful about cash flow, especially on Wednes- from someone you usually agree with. Give them the day and Thursday. Friday it may dawn on you that some benefit of the doubt, but if you suspect they’re walking of your goals are unrealistic, but you’re the kind of all over you -- as might be the case on Friday or Saturperson motivated by the impossible. The weekend finds day -- well, you are too wonderful for that. Take a stand you restless and daring. and you’ll be rewarded on Sunday.

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik 1/25 Beer Pong Tourney 2/22 Midget Wrestling

MACUNGIE

The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 2/1 Paul Rice

OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 1/24 DJ Bluto 1/25 Jonas

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 1/24 Box of Rain W/Special Guest Tom Hampton 1/25 The Late Ancients w/ Skip’s Museum Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 1/24 Mike Green 1/25 Keith Greer 2/8 Tina Margot

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 1/22 Open Mic 1/24-1/25 Baby Cave w/Chris Cuzme weekend 1/28 Steve McDaniel 1/31/ The Current 2/1 Brooke Shive

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

Check Out Jonas This Saturday At The Leather Corner Post in Orefield, PA

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014 Page 38

single in the CiTY 10 FACTS OF LOVE

The following facts are excerpts from Kenny Luck my upcoming book, “101 Facts of Love: The Science, Law and History of Love, Sex and Relationships.”

1. Men from the Forbes 400 list have much younger wives when remarrying—22 years younger—than the general U.S. population.

The stereotype that wealthy men marry younger women is true… at least when wealthy men remarry. For example, people like Donald Trump and other similar celebrities confirm this backed-by-research statistic.

2. Until 1967, it was legal for states to ban interracial marriages.

A few years after Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, in the midst of the Civil Rights era, the Supreme Court of the United States finally struck down a Virginia state statute that prohibited interracial marriages.

3. A Google search for the word “dating” yields more than 452,000,000 results.

Lots of people are looking for love.

4. The length of the erect penis is only about 1¼ inches in gorillas and 1½ inches in orangutans but 5 inches in humans, even though males of the two apes have much bigger bodies.

This confirms that the male endowment is comparatively larger than his closest evolutionary relatives. One theory is that the male penis evolved to its current size to match the size of the women’s vaginal cavity.

5. Sigmund Freud’s theory of “sexual symbolism” has been confirmed by empirical research. In one experiment, subjects designated elongated, pointed, or penetrating objects as male, and hollow, rounded, or enclosing objects as female.

After Freud put forth his sexual symbolism theory, it was confirmed decades later: people tend to subconsciously associate pointed objects—whether cigars, flag poles, or missiles—as phallic and male, whereas people associate hollow objects—bowls, crevasses, or holes as vaginal and female.

6. In 2010, the online dating industry made $2 billion dollars in the United States.

Online dating sites typically charge between $20 and $60 dollars a month. If the member does not find a date, the only one winner is the dating site, a profitable business.

7. One study has found that long-distance relationships can lead to couples becoming closer and developing stronger bonds than normal relationships.

The old adage, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” has an ounce of truth in it.

8. As of 2004, 7 states—Idaho, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, and Virginia—still punished specific sexual activities between consenting adults of the same sex as a felony.

“Sodomy Laws” have been on the books in the United States and elsewhere for centuries. These laws seek to regulate what consenting adults do in private.

9. In Western societies, approximately 40 to 50 percent of women express some level of body dissatisfaction.

Alost half of all women in Western societies are not happy with their appearance. This is, I surmise, the outcome of unrealistic standards that are the product of media and marketers.

10. Among those reporting anal sex in on clinic study, condom use by heterosexual women was much rarer (7%) than condom use by homosexual (71%) or bisexual (53%) men.

Apparently, when people do it in the naughty place, women use condoms a lot less than homosexual man.

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

PAGE 39

Page 40

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

MUSIC

Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com

Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253

RESTAURANT

EMPLOYMENT

Seeking Interns Drummer Wanted We are seeking motivated We are looking for drums to interns, seeking college credit complete a 4 piece rock act. We email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com have a variety of influences .

Mike: 610-984-3791 Delivery Drivers Wanted GUITAR LESSONS from touring The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers pro, performing and teaching for many areas in the Lehigh for over 30 years and has shared Valley. Must have own car / ins. the stage with BB King, Les Paul Reply to: and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462 distribution@thevalleybeat.com Trumpet / Bugler Needed Now Hiring!

To perform 140 Military funerals Tattooist for busy shop per year. Primarily between Leave Message Reading and Allentown.

610-365-2159 609-504-9450

REAL ESTATE

BARTENDER Spacious apartment, Roosevelt’s 21st is looking to just renovated hire experienced bartenders.

Six rooms, apartment, new 1328 West Tilghman St, kitchen, New decor, all utilities Allentown, PA paid, near transportation.

21 East Elizabeth Ave, $700/month 610-266-7300 Bethlehem, PA Send resume or apply in person Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent at either location.

Weekly or Monthly. Cable Utilities and wifi included.

Single & Double Occupancy.

Now Hiring! $80/week and up.

Bartenders / Servers Clean Private. 610-282-8010 Cocktail Waitresses Contact: greg@thebroadwaysocial.com

AUTOMOTIVE

1999 Honda Civic EX System Included / Clean Title $3,200.00 OBO / Call Or Text 484-268-6400

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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The Valley Beat

2003 Ram 1500 V8 SLT Crew cab short bed 5.9 v8 4x4.

It’s fully loaded It has 20 inch wheels please call or text 610-653-0453

TO PLACE AN AD IN OUR NEW CLASSIFIED SECTION CONTACT US TODAY...

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PAGE 41

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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Page 42

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

PAGE 43

More Dirty Jokes!

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?

A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?

A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’ Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What’s the difference between parsley and pussy?

A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

A. Kermit’s Finger Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?

A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

PAGE 44

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A. A Mechanic.

READ THE DIGITAL EDITION ONLINE AT WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

JOKES

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PAGE 45

610-921-0777 TV, Major Motion 156 Madison Ave, Picture Films, Print and Promotional www.donatellimodels.com Reading Pa

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

a t e n l o l i D

10/3/11

2:09:35 PM

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

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Page 46

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Please Drink Responsibly

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FALLON MARESSA

SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE Don Valentine Photography • Bill Mason Photography • Alison Dunlap Photography WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 22, 2014

MODEL BEAT

Age: 30 Limerick, PA

Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com

PAGE 47

What do you do to make $$? Acting modeling horror & FX Makeup & Design Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Dating.

How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FaceBook or Donatelli Modeling Agency 610-921-5582 Where was your best vacation destination?

Love Austraila.

What do you do to relax? Draw, Listen To Music, Read.

What sports do you watch the most? Don’t really watch much id say Olympics and X-Game types of events What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Girly Drinks, Malibu & Pineapple.

What happens to be your worst vice? Coffee! Love it.

There R more but I hide them well.

What is your best feature? Kind hearted forgiving nature.

What TV show do you never miss each week?

Don’t get a lot of time to watch TV BUT love faceoff.

What movie would you recommend to our readers?

Depends on mood I’ve been watching a ton lately!!! I liked Lincoln!

What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” I want to go to Ireland and Scotland and venture through castle ruins.

Are you a Spender or a Saver? I like to save money on spending, sale!!!

What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Well I would have said Do No Harm for NBC but it was cancelled lol. I remodeled a bathroom I think that’s impressive.

What do you sleep in? Really comfy fluffy sweatpants or snuggly blankets.

What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Oh wow I’ve heard some good ones… December 21 was apparently the end of the world I got& This… Guy: I’m going to need to speak with your manager (serious face) Me: Oh is something wrong?

Guy: Yes you should be let go immediately!

Me: (puzzled) umm Guy: Your way to pretty to work here... You should spend the last day on earth with me...

What do you want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Be more spontaneous! And the hand to the back of hair with a kiss magic :)

STAY CONNECTED WITH US! /THESBEC @THESBEC

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BOX OFFICE: 610.297.7414