Issue 171 december 25, 2013

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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places

10 CLUB & PUBS

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE6171.

DECEMBER 25 - 31, 2013

We are working on it but need your help please send info

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done

by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant

TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 17 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review STORY HOUSE 21 CHRISTMAS Camille Capriglione gives us the report on a holiday classic house turned museum AND ON THE RUN 26 ElleESCAPED Spaulding gives us the low down on prison escapee Daniel Joseph Preziosi

32 ZODIAC

Your astrology for the week

12 HOT SHOTS 47 MODEL BEAT 47

44 JOKES & COMICS A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

SPECIAL GUEST

THIS FRIDAY & SATURDAY AT 7:30PM!

TOWER THEATER

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THETOWERPHILLY.COM • TICKETMASTER.COM 69TH & LUDLOW • UPPER DARBY, PA

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by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY - QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS

--The conflicted double life of Israeli Orthodox Jew Shadar Hadar, 34, might be as formidable to manage as that of an international spy. Though deeply and defiantly religious, he typically around midnight “trades his knitted white yarmulke” for a “wavy blond wig and pink velvet dress” and takes the stage as a nascent drag queen, according to an August Associated Press dispatch from Jerusalem.

His gayness has alienated his ex-wife (who bars him from seeing their daughter, now 11) and is only grudgingly accepted by his parents. As a bridge of sorts in his life, he has rejected the usual raunchy drag queen personas and adopted instead that of a female rabbinic adviser, musing from the stage on optimistic teachings of Breslov Hasidic ultra-Orthodox Judaism.

--A computer virus called “Ransomware” has been freezing computers since 2012, the

--Philadelphia’s Veterans Stadium, whose construction was financed in 1964 by borrowing $25 million (and untold more as part of a subway expansion to service the stadium), was demolished in 2004 and is but a memory to the city’s sports fans. However, nine years later, the city is still paying for it (though next year will retire the $25 million bond and nine years from now, the city hopes, will retire the stadium/subway bond). The city’s deputy controller told PhillyMag.com in June, profoundly, “When issuing a bond to build a facility, the debt payment on that bond should not outlast the facility.”

--The Oklahoma Department of Public Safety’s solution to its legendary long lines at driver’s license stations was to create “In Line Online” registration, which it introduced recently. Online registrants were beside themselves, however, when they arrived on time across the state, only to learn that In Line Online merely entitled them to a reserved place in the line for making future appointments to take their driver’s test. A spokesman acknowledged that In Line Online might have some kinks and thus would be closed temporarily.

--Toronto is facing such a crippling backlog of challenges to parking tickets, reported the Toronto Star in August, that more than 73,000 citations from last year were still unresolved and that many cases were proceeding even less hurriedly. Mahmood-Reza Arab, a computer programmer who was ticketed for parking too close to a hydrant in 2005 and who has dutifully met all deadlines for making a proper challenge, was recently scheduled (again) for trial before a judge -- this month (September 2013).

A spokesman said the “normal” wait time for a court date is “only” 18 months.

--Adhering to “federal regulations,” the Denver Housing Authority ordered the immediate ejection of the family of Sandra Roskilly (her mother and autistic son) -- because Roskilly had been shot dead in a random homicide in August. once the head of household is no longer present (no matter the reason), the apartment must be forfeited.

--Finding an aberrant sexual behavior not previously mentioned in News of the Weird is an

from the vomit of about 200,000 houseflies. Knuth raises the flies from maggots, then feeds

GOVERMENT IN ACTION

victim to be arrested until Jay Matthew Riley, 21, of Woodbridge, Va., came along. The virus tricks people into thinking the FBI has discovered that they had inadvertently viewed child pornography and locks their computer, but since the viewing was probably accidental, “allows” them to avoid arrest by paying a $300 fine to unfreeze the computer.

Riley apparently did have child porn (inadvertently gathered or not) on his computer and, frightened by the virus, gratuitously inquired at a local police station whether there were warrants for his arrest. No, they said, but in the course of conversation, he consented to a search and was arrested.

FETISHES ON PARADE

exhausting task, but British psychologist Mark Griffiths, of Nottingham Trent University, has succeeded: the eproctophile (a person sexually aroused by the passing of gas). Griffiths told LiveScience.com in July that he plans to study other rare “paraphilic disorders,” including “fire fetish, a blindness fetish and dacryphilia, or arousal by tears, weeping or sobbing.”

PERSPECTIVE --America’s military veterans, whom the country supposedly champions wholeheartedly and insists should be properly compensated for their service and the disruption to their lives, must navigate as many as 613 government forms from 18 different agencies to receive what they are due by law, according to a July study released by the American Action Forum.

The principal agency, the Department of Veterans Affairs, purports to have been making great progress over the last few years, but earlier this year acknowledged that, still, about 70 percent of claims (covering 600,000 veterans) have been waiting longer than 125 days for yes-or-no decisions.

POLICE REPORT

--Notwithstanding the city of Detroit’s various problems, residents still expect its police force to behave sensibly, but in July, a police commander’s office blundered, releasing to all officers a document concerning an order of form-fitting bulletproof vests. Each individual officer’s height and weight were on the email, but so were female officers’ bra cup sizes (which were initially necessary to assure body-armor fit so as not to restrict mobility -- but obviously were no one else’s business).

--In August, prosecutors in Broward County, Fla., accused two Lauderhill police officers of an improper 2012 traffic stop, charging both patrolmen in the squad car with demanding favors from two female motorists. Officer Franklin Hartley allegedly demanded oral sex from the passenger, and his partner, Thomas Merenda, according to the charge, “asked the victim to punch him in the ‘nuts,’ meaning genital area.” Said Merenda’s lawyer, of the charge: “outrageous, outlandish and absurd.”

GREAT ART! Artist John Knuth creates “broad swaths of color that appear to be meticulous impressionistic abstractions,” reported a Gizmodo.com writer in July, but in a video made for the Museum of Contemporary Art in Los Angeles, Knuth revealed that he makes colors with paint harvested them sugar mixed with watercolor pigments, then coaxes the flies to regurgitate -- and then captures and uses the result. Gizmodo wrote, “Once you decide to make paintings from fly barf, you pretty much forfeit any other subtext you’d like your audience to appreciate.”

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition?

Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net.

Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.)

COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106

FBI acknowledged, making much work for tech support, but likely never causing the

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, Dec 26 Kings Foil, Dec 27 Derry Miller & The Foil, Dec 28 Against Me, Jan 11

TICKETS 212-307-7171

TICKETS 717-393-7713

Phish, Dec 28-31

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 B-Street Band, Dec 27 The Tartan Terrors, Dec 31 Dancing Machine, Jan 11

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Charlie Daniels Band / Bret Michaels, May 30

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Rob Base, Dec 28 Burlesque Show, Dec 29 The B Street Band, Jan 10

Lady Antebellum, Jan 30 Kings of Leon, Feb 19

MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA Page 8

TICKETS 570-420-2808 Patent Pending, Dec 27 Clutch, Dec 28 Twelve Twenty Four, Dec 29

The English Beat, Dec 20 GWAR, Dec 27 Stone Sour / Pop Evil Jan 18 Amon Amarth, Feb 4 The BlackBerry Smoke, Feb 15

Smokey Robinson, Dec 27 Larry The Cable Guy, Dec 28 The Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D, New Years Eve, Dec 31 (Vision Bar) Joy Behar, Jan 10 Pink Floyd Dark Side, Jan 11 3 Doors Down, Feb 12 Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15 NBC’s Sing Off, Feb 27 Huey Lewis & The News Mar 21 Billy Currington, Mar 27

Robert Cray Band & Mavis Staples, Mar 28 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29 Lewis Black, Apr 14 Franki Avalon, Fabian, Bobby Rydell, May 15 Reba McEntire, May 18

FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-826-1100

Memphis, Jan 25 • Jim Belushi, Mar 13 • Kathy Griffin, Apr 17

SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469

MAIN GATE, Allentown PA

Jeff Dunham, Dec 29 Hair, Jan 31 Skillet & Third Day, Mar 22

Yellow Card, Feb 4 • The Pretty Reckless, Feb 13

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA

TICKETS 610-898-7200

THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Zedd, Dec 28 Dark Star Orchestra, Dec 29 Lotus-Risky Disko, Dec 30 MGMT, Jan 3 Pixies, Jan 24

TICKETS (215) 922-5483

Mantis Music Showcase, Dec 28 Voletta, Jan 4 Alustrium, Jan 5 The Precious Few, Jan 10 David Koechner, Jan 11 Rupal’s Drag Race, Jan 16 In this Moment, Jan 17 Brotherly Breakdown Fest, Jan 18 Mantis Music Showcase, Jan 31

1409 N. 9th St

TICKETS 215-336-3600

Jimmy And The Parrots, Dec 27 Start Making Sense New Years Eve Party, Dec 31

TICKETS 212-777-6800

TICKETS 800-745-3000

REVERB - Reading, PA

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA

TICKETS 610-332-1300

TICKETS 877-686-5366 Demi Lovato, Mar 1 Robin Thicke, Mar 6

For Today, Feb 15 Battle For AllStars, Feb 16

Nitro Circus Live, Jan 9 Jay Z, Jan 29

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

(610) 743-3069 H2O, Dec 28 J-Fly’s Blackout Party, Dec 29 Abigal Williams, Jan 18 Bonz, Jan 23 Chimaira, Feb 6

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA Leon Russell, Jan 3 Craig Thatcher Band, Jan 4 Stanley Clarke, Jan 10 Boogie W

TICKETS 215-572-7650

Leon Russell & Hot Tuna, Jan 10 Elvis Birthday Bash, Jan 24 Transatlantic, Feb 8 Jim Jefferies, Feb 21

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA Over The Years, Jan 10 Rusted Root, Jan 19 Galactic, Feb 9 Rebelution, Feb 12

TICKETS 570-325-0371

Phil Vassar, Jan 11 KIX, Jan 31 Fran Cosmo, February 1 Changes in Latitudes, Feb 8

LARRY THE CABLE GUY THIS SATURDAY AT THE SANDS BETHLEHEM EVENT CENTER

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB (610) 776-7711 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA

The Valley’s Hottest New Nightclub

ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

NEW YEAR’S EVE Unlimited Premium Bar until midnight

Champagne Toast DJ Xtina Purchase Tickets in Advance for VIP Admission at 9:30 standard admission at 10:00

$

80

per person

tickets available at ourcosmopolitan.com

CHAMELEON CLUB 223 NORTH WATER STREET, LANCASTER, PA

WWW.CHAMELEONCLUB.NET

ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office

for more details

Located atop Cosmopolitan Restaurant

WaveNightclub.com 22 N. 6th Street | Allentown, PA

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VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET

wavenightclub.com

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25,2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524

Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 12/27 Traige 12/28 Ultra Kings Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 12/27 Right Hand Red 12/28 Keep out of Touch Wave Night Club 22 N. 6th St 610-821-9283 Resident DJ Xtina 12/31 NYE Party Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

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BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 12/31 NYE Bash

BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 12/26 Dear Anna 12/27 Harkland 12/28 The Great Socio 12/29 DJ Discreet 12/30 Open Mic 12/31 Closed

Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Strange Brew 610 865 1028 Tavern Monday: Trivia 1996 S. Fifth St Friday DJ June 610-841-3610 Saturday DJ Cisco Monday: Pong night Fri & Sat: Dance club/ 12/27 Naked Jake Karaoke 12/28 Peter Johann Bethlehem Brew Roosevelt’s 21st Works 1328 W. Tilghman St 569 Main St (610) 770-1444 610-882-1300 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Vision Bar @ Sands Live Entertainment Event Center Tim Harakal / Billy 77 Sands Boulevard Patrick / Strange 610-297-7410 Coincidence & More 12/27 Total Whiteout 12/25 Christmas Pty 12/28 DJ Royale 12/31 NYE BASH! Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave Jetport Lounge 610-882-9190 3400 Airport Rd. Thursdays: Open Mic Allentown, Pa Tuesday’s - Trivia 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 12/25 DJ Johnny B 12/26 Digital Getdown 12/27 Tricky Dick 12/28 The Pocono Duo 12/29 Brian Kirk & The Jerks 12/30 Large Flowerhead 12/31 New Years Eve; Drop Dead Sexy w/ Dj Tom Taylor!

Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 12/25 Christmas Party 12/27 Little Black Dress Party

w/ DJ Tom Taylor

Drop Dead Sexy w/ Tom Taylor 12/31 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA

12/27 Total Whiteout Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 12/27 Dave’s Night Out 12/28 Mary Faith Rhoad 12/31 Three Generations of Homegrown The Broadway Social 217 Broadway 610-868-2555 12/31 NYE Bash

2014 New Year Party 12/31 Broadway Social Bethlehem, PA

CATASAQUA

Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

EMMAUS

Volpe’s Sports Bar 501 Main St 610-965-0311 12/27 DJ Ivo 12/28 DJ Fred Frederick

BARTONSVILLE

The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 12/25 Scooby & Zeppy 12/31 Code 13

EASTON

Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League 12/31 New Years Bash Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 12/28 DJ Vito G Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 12/26 Pam Purvis 12/27 The Great Socio 12/28 T.B.A 12/31 The Depas

DJ Vito G 12/28 Drinky’s Easton, PA

MORE ON PAGE 32

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

THE 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT DECEMBER OCTOBER 9,25,2013

by: Mitch

ROCK and ROLL HALL OF FAME CLASS OF 2014

I love Linda Ronstadt. I had a crush on her as a teenager. When I heard the news that she was suffering from Parkinson’s Disease, it broke my heart. This unforgiving malady may steal her sweet, angelic voice but it hasn’t stolen her spirit. Of the entire Class of 2014, she is probably the most deserving. If Martin Guitar of Nazareth creates a signature guitar for you, as they did for Ronstadt, then it’s a pretty safe bet you’re going to end up in the Hall of Fame some day. I only wish she could play and sing at the induction ceremony. God Bless you, Linda Ronstadt.

On this Christmas Day, Linda, “Somewhere Out There”, someone’s saying a prayer…for you.

Daryl Hall and John Oates seem like likable guys to me. I’ve never seen them perform. I wanted to check out their recent show at The Sands but wasn’t able to make it. I never bought their records but they were always on the radio and they did very well for themselves. With numerous hit records,

career longevity and the fact that they’re Temple alumni, I have to give a thumbs up on this honor. Go Owls! And on this Christmas Day, remember George Washington crossed the Delaware on Christmas in 1776 and turned the tide against the Redcoats and it wasn’t very far from Hall and Oates’ stomping grounds!

Cat Stevens, aka Yusuf Islam, née Steven Georgiou, is an ironic figure in that he wrote songs like “Peace Train” yet supported Ayatollah Khomeini’s fatwa against “Satanic Verses” author, Salman Rushdie and justified his death sentence. Hypocritical? You bet.

My sister pounded “Tea for the Tillerman” and “Teaser and the Firecat” into my head as a kid and I started to really dig this “Cat.” But now, I’m ambivalent. Now that he’s going into the Hall, under what name will he be inducted?

And finally, Cat, on this Christmas Day, please remember, “Peace on Earth – Good Will Toward Men.”

PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC

Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years!

Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more!

Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please email him at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

PAGE 11 11 PAGE

Merry Christmas! I trust you were all good little boys and girls this year and that Santa fulfilled your every wish! As of this writing, my Philadelphia Eagles are in contention for the NFC East division title and a berth in the NFL Playoffs. It is my Christmas wish that it all works out for Chip Kelly’s squad! Go Birds! With a little Christmas luck, it’s already happened in which case, I will have a very Merry Christmas today and a very Happy New Year when the postseason begins!

Six Bands (artists) That Rock received an early Christmas present on December 17 with the announcement of their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Fame. The Class of 2014 inductees are KISS, Nirvana, Peter Gabriel, Linda Ronstadt, Hall and Oates and Cat Stevens.

The induction ceremony will take place at Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on April 10, 2014. Tickets will go on sale next month and there will be a pre-sale for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame members who have active membership as of New Year’s Eve at 11:59 PM EST. Let me begin with one of the “Andre Reeds” of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, facepainted rockers from New York City, KISS. What can I say? I was a card-carrying member of the KISS Army back in the ‘70s and was granted my honorable discharge when I joined the real U.S. Army in 1980. As a KISS Army veteran, I feel that this honor is long overdue. Their first year of eligibility was fifteen years ago and the fact that Nirvana gets in right away bugs me to no end. KISS should have been inducted in their first year of eligibility simply because they’ve had to apply and remove nasty greasepaint from their mugs at least 1000 times for concert appearances and thousands more for promotional appearances. Add those figures up and you get an approximate total of Gene Simmons’ alleged sexual conquests. When they decided to forego the makeup thirty years ago, we all wished they would put it back on and they finally did. They’ve also safely discharged thousands upon thousands of pyrotechnics without burning down the house and have spat gallons of blood without passing on any bloodborne pathogens (that we know of). Plus, they played The Roxy in Northampton! When the hell did Nirvana ever show up in Northampton? On this Christmas Day, when you’re standing under the mistletoe, remember KISS! Nirvana, tortured Seattle grunge rockers who had a brief, seven year run, should not have been nominated and elected upon eligibility. The best thing to come out of Nirvana, was drummer, Dave Grohl, who shunned the grunge after Kurt Cobain’s suicide and started pumping out some really good rock tunes with Foo Fighters. When Foo Fighters becomes eligible for induction in 2019, let ‘em in! On this Christmas Day, when I’m handed a piece of fruitcake or when considering Nirvana getting into the Hall of Fame, I say, “Nevermind!”

Peter Gabriel has a body of work that is quite admirable and certainly worthy of induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Already inducted in absentia in 2010 as a member of the progressive rock band, Genesis, Gabriel spurned his former band mates in 1975 when creative differences between them arose and embarked on a successful solo career although he couldn’t seem come up with any album titles other than his own name. A little pompous and vain perhaps but he’s always been an oddball non-conformist, marching to the beat of his own drum, making no apologies and writing and playing some incredible music. Then, there is Peter Gabriel, the humanitarian, a man who has embraced social activism and will leave a legacy of helping his fellow man and drawing awareness and attention to the plight of those less fortunate than himself. Plus, the music video for “Sledgehammer” kicks ass! On this Christmas Day, remember the Archangel Gabriel!

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013

ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW

By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:

Crank It

Now don’t hate me because I reviewed the new Daughtry album before taking a listen to the new one from hardcore veterans, Evergreen Terrace. To be honest, I didn’t even know that they released a new album until I read a short review about it online. Can you blame me? After all, it’s been four years since we last heard anything from the Florida-based band, and in the meantime, I kind of forgot about them. It’s like that saying “out of sight, out of mind.” I am a fan of the band and their melodic style of hardcore. I also liked the fact that they put out an album comprised entirely of covers, creatively titled Writer’s Block, which included a cover of one of my favorite songs: “Plowed” (by the band Sponge). Another thing I really dig about Evergreen Terrace is their song titles; they are often comical and irrelevant to the actual meaning of the song.

Evergreen Terrace formed in 1999 deriving their name from the street that The Simpsons live on in the popular TV show. Over the years, they have gone through a few line-up and label changes. The only staple has been vocalist Andrew Carey and guitarist/clean vocalist Craig Chaney, who are primarily responsible for the band’s unique sound. This sound has not changed with their new album, neither has their uncanny ability to come up with clever titles to their songs.

The new record is called Dead Horses and it begins like a bat out of hell with “Crows.” This tune is packed with awesome guitar work, fierce drumming and dynamic dual vocals from screamer Carey and singer Chaney. “When You’re Born in the Gutter, You End Up in the Port” brings me back to the good ol’ days of hardcore with a breakdown at the end reminiscent of something Strongarm would have done. “Post Satanic Ritual Baby” is as brutal as the title indicates with some harmonizing gang vocals and a sweet guitar interlude. The album’s first single is the melodic title track, which features more of Chaney’s clean vocals than Carey’s screaming. I really enjoyed

Chaney’s guitar picking on “Browbeaters Anonymous,” which happens to be one of my favorite tracks off the new record. And now quite possibly my favorite name of any song ever: “Mike Myers Never Runs, But He Always Catches Up.” Not only does the title kick ass, but the song itself equally kicks as much ass. With the lyrics “right hand up / repeat after me / I’ll settle every fucking score,” this is definitely one to crank! The album ends on a high note with the relentlessly brutal “That Dog’ll Hunt.”

Dead Horses is your pretty standard hardcore album, chock full of head banging breakdowns, death growls, and some good clean vocals. And the song titles… you can’t forget about the song titles. I just hope Evergreen Terrace have enough creativity left in them to not let it go another four years without a release.

So while you and the family are gathered around the dinner table watching the yule log burn, bored out of your freaking minds, throw on this album, and watch Grandma break out some mule kicks. Tis’ the season to rock the f- out!

Merry Christmas!

Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.

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Crank the whole damn album… loud!!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX

BATTLE BORN

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2

TIRED

STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1

SHEPHERD OF FIRE

PLOT: Based on the true story of Jordan Belfort, drug-addict, womanizer and wealthy stockbroker, who lived the life of a millionaire using other people’s money until his misdeeds caught up with up.

REVIEW: To depict excess properly, you have to get excessive, and boy is that what Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio and the rest of the WOLF OF WALL STREET clan do. Showing us the nightmarish drug-and-money fueled orgy of debauchery and immorality of a criminal stockbroker and his cronies, the film is based on the life of Jordan Belfort, who scammed millions out of helpless clients and lived like a king propped up by every vice imaginable.

Some people will say this is a shady exercise in glamorizing the exploits of a pitiless crook, that the fruits of Belfort’s enterprise are just too appealing to be worried about the pitfalls (meager jail time, brutal hangovers). But Scorsese has made an absolutely pitch-perfect comedy; at 71-years-old, we should trust that the man knows what he’s doing, and the proof is in every wild frame of this bizarre film.

AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING

LOLA MONTEZ

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SIRENS

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Belfort started off humbly, working at a firm (where he is called pond scum) and being mentored by a brash, coked-up Matthew McConaughey, who imparts notes of wisdom that will forever change the initially-idealic Belfort’s way of thinking. Pearls like “jerk off at least twice a day” and cocaine will help you dial the phone faster, and the all-important lesson that the client’s money is not your concern, your own money is. Before you know it, Jordan gets his license and is ready to take on the world - but the Wall Street crash of 1987, known as Black Monday, ruins his life in an instant; he’s jobless and hopeless, contemplating becoming a stock boy while his wife (Cristin Milioti) ponders selling her engagement ring.

Belfort gets another chance at a low-rent firm in Long Island, where he quickly schools the shleps on hand how to wring large commissions out of even the lowliest of penny stocks.

Belfort assembles a gang of bozos who are just as conscience-free as he is, and though they lack insight or intelligence. Thus, Belfort quickly starts off his own firm, called Stratton Oakmont, just because it sounds dignified, and proceeds to move them up the food chain until they’re all making millions through every illegal scam you can think of.

It’s safe to say, in my estimation, that this is the best Leonardo DiCaprio has ever been.

There’s no vanity in the performance; he plumbs the depths of Belfort’s hedonism shockingly well, sometimes coming off as a cocky leader and showman, other times rampaging bug-eyed and drooling through moments he’ll barely remember or regret. Stunningly, DiCaprio is frequently hilarious (who knew Leo was funny?), with a handful of instant-classic rants and speeches.

As can be counted upon, this is Scorsese’s show. Once again he proves why he’s likely this generation’s best director, and it’s heartening to learn he still has tricks up his sleeve. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is a clever condemnation of the frenzied joyride it appears to be glorifying, leaving you feeling strangely morose when it’s all over - the comedown after a glorious high.

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10

By Chris Bumbray

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

Movie Review

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THE 18, 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEYBEAT BEAT DECEMBER JULY 31, 2013

A Christmas Story House:

By Camille Capriglione blue vinyl siding. Watching the movie frame by frame, Jones drew detailed plans of the interior, which had been filmed on a Toronto sound stage, and spent $240,000 to gut the structure, reconfigure it to a single-family home and transform it into a near-replica of the home portrayed in the film.

Jones also purchased a home across the street and converted it into a museum, which contains movie props, includinglittle brother Randy’s snow suit, Higbee’sdepartment store window toys, moviememorabilia and hundreds of behind-the-scenes photos.

A Christmas Story house and museum opened to the public on November 25, 2006, with original cast members attending the Grand Opening. The site drew over4,000 visitors during its opening weekend!If you happen to travel to the Tremont section of Cleveland Ohio, visit the iconichouse in which a little boy got ‘the best present he had ever received or would ever receive.’

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The iconic home used in the 1983 holiday hit film “A Christmas Story” still stands proudly in Cleveland, Ohio. The 19th century house was purchased by a private developer, restored and renovated to appear as it did in the movie and themuseum is open to the public year round.

“A Christmas Story” is hugely popular and has become a beloved holiday classic. The screenplay is based on author Jean Shepherd’s collection of short stories, ‘In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash.’ It portrays the anecdotal tales of fictional character, Ralphie Parker, who is 9 years-old. His family, friends, teacher and even the neighborhood bully, make up the mosaic of his Christmas narrative, in which he longs for a Red Ryder BB Gun.Hilarious subplots and vignettes add to the movie’s charm, and it coined the phrase,“You’ll shoot your eye out.” The film’s fan base is so large that it is televised several times during the holiday season and theTBS channel runs a 24-hour marathon.

In the film, Ralphie’s home on Cleveland Street is located in Hohman, Indiana, afictional town based on the author’s nativeHammond, Indiana. Film director Bob Clark reportedly sent scouts to twenty cities before selecting Cleveland for filming. Cleveland was chosen becauseHigbee’s Department Store was located there. Clark had been unsuccessful in finding a department store that was willing to take part in the film, but Higbee’s vice president agreed to take on the project,only on the condition that curse words beomitted from the script.

In 2004, a San Diego entrepreneur and fan of the film, Brian Jones, bought theoriginal house on eBay for $150,000, usingrevenue from his business, The Red Rider Leg Lamp Company, which manufactures replicas of the “major award” thatRalphie’s father won in the film. The previous owners had installed modern windows and covered the original woodwith

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25 2013

Outlaws have long been romanticized in music and cultural nostalgia. To be an outlaw of course is a to be in a league above your average everyday criminal. To be an outlaw is to have done a terrible deed and, for at least some time, gotten away with it. From “Mack the Knife” to “All Along the Watchtower” to the infamous “Bonnie and Clyde”, outlaws, even the despicable ones build legends.

Unfortunately the problem with all of these great songs and stories however is that they’re old.

The most recent song on that list was released in 1967. These songs tell of tales long past and some may argue that is how legends are made. They’re finely aged in barrels of forgotten details. We’re long overdue a good outlaw story, but the problem with today’s stories is that details are rarely forgotten, which is why this correspondent was so delighted this week to come across the many stories of the escape of Daniel Joseph Preziosi.

To begin, the tale of Preziosi, is not exactly like that of other outlaws. A week ago, Preziosi was an insignificant criminal. After two initial offenses, delivery of heroine and armed robbery of a supermarket in October, Preziosi was readily detained by police officers and was working his way through the Northampton County legal system. This part of the story is not disputed. All news outlets report these events the same way, but if his tale progressed only that far, it would not be an interesting story. What makes Preziosi’s story notable is that while detained, Preziosi managed to escape. And this is where the real story begins.

On Monday morning December 16th, following a hearing at a Nazareth courtroom, Preziosi, clad in a red prison jumpsuit, was being escorted back to jail. Seizing an opportunity for escape, he made a dash across the courtroom parking lot running past two handlers. Preziosi jumped several fences, dropped his shackles, and ultimately eluded those pursuing him. Once sight of Preziosi was lost somewhere around South Church Street an intensive search for him began.

Reports of what Preziosi did next vary wildly. Preziosi reportedly “readily had keys to a get away car”, was “picked up” by another car and escaped on foot. His clothing is also heavily disputed. Some

report that Preziosi managed shed his prison garments, leaving them near Mauch Chunk Street. Others report that he donned a “makeshift hoodie” speculatively converting street garbage into masterfully functional clothing. Even other news outlets report that Preziosi, forever stuck in prison red, decided to wear his prison socks as gloves. No reason in that report was given, leaving this correspondent to guess budding post jail sock-puppet career?

Of course no good outlaw story would be complete without a girl. Immediately following his escape, a tracking unit was also deployed to follow Preziosi’s girlfriend, Samantha Tagliaterra’s car, where they reportedly end up near Fox’s Gentleman’s Club.

Preziosi’s tale however comes to an end not long after it began. Tuesday morning, after spending the night in the snow under the porch of a home in Nazareth, Preziosi wandered into a nearby Giant supermarket to warm himself.

Employees recognized Preziosi after seeing his image on the news and alerted authorities who arrested Preziosi without incident in the store’s bathroom. Preziosi apparently was wearing the same clothes in which he escaped. No word yet

on his street trash hoodie nor his sock-puppets.

Preziosi returned to court later that day to be informed of an increase in his bail. After being told he was a flight risk, Preziosi reportedly laughed.

At the time of this writing, it has been several days since Preziosi’s detainment and yet those conflicting news stories still exist. No definitive words on the facts of his escape. No details have been ironed out. His is a tale of two young lovers, a daring getaway and the cruel will of Mother Nature. This is the stuff that legends are made of. Maybe someday Preziosi’s tale will be immortalized to children, using sock puppets of course.

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PAGE 21

Page 26

By Elle Spaulding

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 13, 2013

The Escape of Daniel Joseph Preziosi

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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PAGE 29

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ANYONE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! WAYS YOU CAN GIVE BACK

(StatePoint) In today’s connected world, filtrate a brothel and pull girls out. I can’t we are flooded with global news 24/7. As be a live-in ‘mom’ at an aftercare home. a result, many suffer from what experts re- But I can write a book. I can help to raise fer to as “compassion fatigue.” But simple awareness.” acts of kindness can make your commu- • Shop Smart. With a little research you nity and world a better place to live. And can better ensure your consumer dollars research says it could even be beneficial to are not supporting companies that don’t your health. share your values. Consider shopping In fact, in a recent study conducted by from companies that donate a portion of Claremont Graduate University, people their proceeds to non-profit organizations who felt empathy for a stranger experiand foundations that support causes about enced a release of the hormone oxytocin, which you are passionate. which is associated with lower blood pres- • Think local. “When I started researchsure, lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels, ing ‘Stranger Things’ I was surprised to reduced pain and improved psychological learn how many small organizations in my well-being. own city are already making efforts to aid “Reaching out to a stranger benefits victims of human trafficking,” Healy says. both people. It’s a win-win,” says Erin “Let your heart lead you to a local cause.

Healy, author of the new novel “Stranger You can empower yourself by helping Things,” which she was inspired to write those already doing the work.” in order to raise awareness of sex traffick• Think random. You may not have the ing and human slavery. time to make a long-term volunteering Many people are loathe to forge conneccommitment, but every day presents options with strangers and help others, due to introversion, fear, or concerns that what portunities, big and small, to show kindness to strangers when you take the time they have to offer might not be enough. to notice them.

However, Healy points out that a small • Connect with a stranger. By looking change in attitude can help spur you to outward you gain perspective on your own take meaningful action. She offers some quick tips for surmounting your hurdles troubles and realize that you have more to offer than you may have thought. Be and giving back: intentional, and take time to notice those • Be you. Harness your talents, abilities and the resources already at your disposal around you. As you get to know them, to give back or raise awareness. When it you’ll find yourself moved to help. comes to helping others, there’s no cookMore information about Healy and her ie-cutter way to do it.

“Teach a class, buy supplies, be an advo- new novel, “Stranger Things,” can be cate -- it’s all about pinpointing what you found at www.ErinHealy.com. can do to shine a light on an issue and help Don’t let compassion fatigue or a busy improve it, rather than getting mired in schedule keep you from giving back. There what you can’t accomplish,” says Healy. are great ways for everyone to make a “At present, I can’t travel to India to in difference.

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

PAGE 31

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) The middle half of the week is just about right, and you should be ready to take action at a moment’s notice -- as soon as the mood strikes you, really! You’re not guaranteed of success, but you’ve got a good feeling. Expect to see some modifications to your reputation as the weekend moves in. Some are good, some not so much, but you can handle it all.

TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) You’re feeling pretty good, if a little uncertain, as the week rolls in, and you may find that your social standing improves quite a bit without your having to do much of anything. It’s a good time to work with large groups. Try not to let this get to your head, though, as self-righteousness is a big no-no midweek.

People are looking out for signs of ego and they are sure to come down quite hard on them. Good energy starts to trickle back in on Friday, and you reconnect with your deepest ideals over the weekend.

GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) If anything, you may want to just entrench yourself and let others take all the risks! Jump back into the action midweek and let yourself take charge when necessary, because your energy is just right for influencing events for the better. Work should go your way without fail. Your social life gets interesting on Friday -- people seem to be communicating through pheromones and body language, and the weekend is rife with mysteries.

CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) You need to say ‘no’ to pretty much anything that’s new. That might disappoint kids or coworkers, but it’s definitely the right thing to do. You may be torn between different options on Tuesday through Thursday, but if you can play Hamlet long enough, you ought to be able to stall for the time you need to really dig into the issues at hand. Things come into much sharper focus on Friday and through the weekend, so you ought to know full well what to do by then.

Page 32

LEO (7/23 - 8/22) You can at least see your friends and family and recognize when they’re going through their own tough times. Soon you can pull out of your reflective time and help, if needed. Romance is on your mind for much of the week, and it may be a good time to commit or recommit to someone you care about. Your sunny energy is perfect for new beginnings! You should direct your efforts over the weekend toward helping people, from immediate family members to the underprivileged in third world countries.

VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Something small attracts your attention -- and curiosity -- as you start the week, and it may be in the back part of your mind for quite a while if it doesn’t become clear right away. Try not to force your will on the world too much for much of the week, especially Tuesday through Thursday, as it’s difficult to have much of an effect and it’s just best to follow along for the time being. Your creative energy opens up on Friday, though, and you should be able to have good fun with it if you let your mind roam far and wide.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) You must decide between your giving and your needy sides -- and, either way, things aren’t going to be quite right for a while. You can compromise, but it might take some effort. Ideals are important this week, and if you can bring your work and home lives back in line with your beliefs, you should start to feel much better and might make up some key ground. Your emotional side might be a little off-balance this weekend, but it’s just because you’re making progress in one area of life.

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) You feel amazingly confident in your abilities this week, and should make the most use of them as possible in one day. You might blow away the competition before they realize what’s happening!

Things get bigger and bigger as the week progresses -- so much so that you might start to get nervous on Wednesday or Thursday. Don’t worry too much, though, as you can handle all the new people and experiences coming your way. Make your play on Friday or Saturday, and make sure that you are first in line when things start to really happen.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) It’s a quiet week for you, though things do get interesting for a while. You’d just as soon prefer to keep to yourself for the most part, and might get some solid work done with your door shut. The middle of the week brings amazing energy your way, but you should use it to dig up information or chat up key players to get a better understanding of what’s going on socially. The weekend is perfect for taking care of your own needs and building up your means of self-sufficiency as best you can.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) Sometimes it’s just as sweet to ask for help as it is to offer. If you’re feeling down midweek, just persevere through the darkness. You should start to see glimmers of hope by Thursday, and remarkable success after that. Your hard work pays off this weekend, so you might feel justified in blowing off some obligation and celebrating in any fashion that feels right to you and your people.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) It’s not likely that you can get total privacy, but that’s still a goal worth striving for. The next few days in the week are much more social for you, and you ought to seek out groups of people who hold similar views or might challenge you in interesting ways. It’s a great way to rekindle romantic feelings, too! Communication troubles get in the way of your home life somewhat this weekend, but you ought to be able to understand what’s happening even if you can’t articulate the issues.

PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) Work issues dominate the week, so expect a fair amount of time spent away from the home (at least mentally). Your good energy helps you with closing deals and signing new agreements on Monday, and you should proceed at full speed. Problems are sure to arise midweek, but if you keep pushing and communicating freely, you should be able to make acceptable progress. Leadership is important on Friday and through the weekend, and it may be up to you to provide it. Don’t hesitate -- you’ve got to act like you mean it!

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade 12/28 Decoy Clones

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON

The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke 12/31 Social Call

Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik

MACUNGIE

The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night 1/23 Weyerbacher Pairing The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 1/11 The Punkabilly’s

OREFIELD

Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 12/27 Bad Habit 12/28 Droppin Trou

CLINTON, NJ

Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 12/28 Cabin Dogs 12/31 Philly Rock & Soul Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 12/26 Video DJ Dave 12/27 Stik Hand String Band 12/28 George Wesley Band 12/29 Pocono Duo 12/30 Steve McDaniel 12/31 Trouble City AllStars

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

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PAGE 33

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 25, 2013 Page 38

single in the CiTY Too Many Exs

Too many people bounce from relationship to relationship, leaving a chard path of ex significant others in their wake. Formally, this phenomenon Kenny Luck is known as “serial monogamy,” a practice that is all-too-common these days, a practice that—at its worst—devalues true commitment, language and trust.

It goes like this: after being in a relationship for a significant amount of time, let’s say at least one year, a break up occurs, and you are left in emotional shambles. Rather than taking a break, taking time to focus on one’s own needs, the serial monogamous immediately jumps into a new relationship, and the cycle continues.

These situations are unbeneficial for all involved.

The serial monogamous, ping ponging from supposed commitment to commitment, are a walking contradiction: on a philosophical level, they may demand respect and commitment from their significant others without actually practicing it themselves.

Serial monogamy is the height of selfishness, and, I submit, rises from insecurity. It’s true that no one really needs to be in a relationship—the same way a person needs to eat and breathe—yet relationships can bring a lot of positively to one’s life. For the serial monogamous, however, loneliness and solitude are one in the same and can’t seem to function without having someone constantly by their side.

In order to be legit, I am not suggesting that people live in a Thoreau-like solitude, hidden in the middle of the woods in a cabin. People are free to do as they please, but there is a larger meaning that can be extracted from the serial monogamous’ actions.

Jumping from relationship to relationship undermines commitment, language and trust in a number of ways. First, consider this: if the serial monogamous makes innumerable commitments to innumerable people, does that not undermine the idea of commitment itself? How can you take someone seriously if he or she is constantly jumping from one relationship to another?

Second, it is hard to take someone seriously when they say, “I love you,” and then a week later are—if they’re a woman—hanging off the arm of some other guy, or, if they’re a man, hanging off the arm of another woman. In other words, serial monogamy undermines language. Words are just that: meaningless utterances that have no stable meaning, changing whenever the speaker changes his or her mind.

Finally, because language is unstable, a mutual trust can’t be established. In this scenario, it is nearly impossible to trust a person that a) makes too many commitments to too many people and b) doesn’t mean what they say. Here, trust goes out the proverbial window.

Before getting serious with someone, find out their track record. Are they a serial monogamous?

If so, run the other way, or you’ll bound to end up as just one more future ex.

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Ways to end an argument.

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car.

She curtly declines his offer by saying, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”

Frantically he offers her a new house.

Again she rejects his offer, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”

Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?”

She retorts, “I’d like a divorce.”

He answers, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much.”

Check Please!

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

“There is a mistake here,” he protested. “I have been here only three days.”

“Yes,” replied the clerk, “But your wife has been here a month.”

Page 44

Keeping it in the family A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” asked the mother.

“Mom, I’m 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband.” The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.” The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV. “What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m going? I’m having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!”

I know the whole truth At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”. The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

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