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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
8 CONCERT BEAT
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE 6 •ISSUE OCTOBER - NOV 2, 2010 142. 27 JUNE 5 - 11, 2013
Concert listings from many places
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!
TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
18 SCIENCE FAIR 26 ZODIAC
Tyler Drake checks out how building a nuclear reactor gets you kicked out
Your astrology for the week
36 JOKES & COMICS
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY: CULTURE CLASH --Low Fashion Meets Islam on Turkish TV: Five self-proclaimed devout, conservative Muslim women host the TV series “Building Bridges” on channel A9, presenting the seemingly contradictory case against both the female headscarf and Turkey’s turn to secularism. A report on Slate.com in May noted that the five are “mostly bottle blonds ... (with) neon lipstick” wearing “brightly colored satin pantsuits and T-shirts with designer brand names that stretched over their chests.” “Building Bridges” in principle supports interfaith dialogue, but guests (noted Slate) “often appear ... with their eyebrows arched in the manner of a serious person certain he is the victim of a practical joke.”
RECURRING THEMES --A report circulated in April that an apparently Orthodox Jewish man (likely a “Kohen”) had tied himself up, head to toe, in a plastic bag while seated on an airline flight -- likely because his teachings told him that flying over a cemetery would yield “impurities.” News of the Weird mentioned a similar report in 2001. Airlines
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS --In New Haven, Conn., in March, police had trapped two car-theft suspects in a multifamily building whose occupants were hiding from the suspects, thus necessitating urgency in ending the siege. Officers ordered a K-9 unit but were told it would be delayed. In a tactic departments occasionally employ, officers still threatened to release the dogs immediately, and to make the threat credible, available officers began barking. The suspects quickly surrendered rather than face the vicious canines. --Creative Smuggling: Abdullah Riyaz, 50, was arrested at the Rajiv Gandhi International Airport in Hyderabad, India, in April after he appeared to be uncomfortable sitting in the waiting area. Officials found four “biscuits” of solid gold in his socks but obviously thought there might be more, and after nature took its course, found Riyaz to be one of those rare humans with the ability to brag that he once excreted gold (eight more “biscuits”).
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT --Catholic nun Megan Rice, 83, and two other peace activists were convicted in May of breaking into the Y-12 National Security Complex in Oak Ridge, Tenn., last year -- with “intent to
have made accommodations in the past, even in the face of criticism that a man in a
harm national security.” Sympathizers lauded the activists’ motives and asked whether nation-
plastic bag is a safety hazard. (Exceptions to the Kohen belief: Accidental tears in the
al security was actually “harmed,” but somehow the intruders’ stealth “attack” was treated
bag are excused, but pre-punched air holes not; Kohenim unaware of the cemetery
seriously. That is, three amateurs cut through numerous fences undetected, then bypassed
overflight in advance do not need protection; and deceased family members yield no
several sensors and alarms (either malfunctioning or unmonitored) before being stopped by
impurities.)
a lone guard. (While Israel currently frets over Iran’s accumulation of up to 500 pounds of
--Herbert and Catherine Schaible, members of the First Century Gospel Church in
highly enriched uranium for building one bomb, Y-12 houses an estimated 400 tons.)
Philadelphia and believers in faith-healing rather than medical care, were convicted
-- Briton James McCormick caused the deaths of hundreds of Iraqis after convincing a Bagh-
in 2011 in the bacterial-pneumonia death of their 2-year-old son, Kent. As a condition
dad police official that his “electronic” wands could detect bombs at 400 security checkpoints
of probation, they promised medical care for their remaining eight children, but in April 2013, their youngest son, Brandon, died after severe diarrhea and pneumonia, again treated only by prayer, and they were arrested -- and the other children removed from the home. The medical examiner called Brandon’s death a homicide, and the couple also face five to 10 years in prison for violating probation.
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
(in spite of U.S. officials’ many warnings that they were useless). (In October 2009, for example, suicide bombers walked past two wand-equipped checkpoints into a neighborhood and killed 155.) McCormick, who sold 6,000 of the devices to Iraq and the country of Georgia at prices of up to $40,000 each, was convicted of fraud in April. According to London prosecutors, he also claimed that his wands were programmable to ferret out drugs and paper money and to detect them from high above or up to a kilometer underground.
--Detectives’ New Best Friend (Facebook): Christopher Robinson, 23, became just one of many recent suspects whose addiction to Facebook did him in. Robinson had
UPDATES
never made a single child support payment in the three years since a court order
--News of the Weird first learned of kopi luwak in 1993 -- coffee beans sold as gourmet because
was issued in Milwaukee, Wis., and the case had languished over how to prove that
they had been swallowed by certain Asian civet cats and recovered from feces and washed.
he was hiding money. Using other evidence for probable cause, the prosecutor got a
Since then, as Internet news of kopi luwak has spread, it has become no longer obscure, and
warrant to search Robinson’s private Facebook information and discovered a candid
in April, the environmental-activist website MongaBay.com warned that, based on increased
photograph of him, laughing over a pile of cash.
demand, civet “farms” had sprung up in Indonesia and that civets were being caged for their
ACCOUNTABILITY
entire lives solely for access to their poop. While none of the main kopi luwak civet species is
--The chairman of the National Showcaves Center in a Welsh national park, aiming to halt a recent downturn in tourism business, threatened in April to sue the U.K. National Weather Service for its “all too (frequent) ... gloom and doom reports.” The NWS had called for snow and cold weather over Easter weekend, but no snow fell,
formally “endangered,” activists warned that populations are dwindling for, said one, “the most ridiculous threat ... to any wildlife I have seen yet.” --”Recovered memory” was a popular psychotherapy diagnosis in the 1980s, ultimately responsible for jail sentences for priests, parents and school officials after patients suddenly somehow “remembered” long-suppressed bizarre and vicious (and sometimes “satanic”) sex
and the cold weather was tempered by sun and blue skies. (He also suggested adding
crimes that never actually happened. Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, of the University of California,
“health”-type warnings to forecasts, e.g., beware that weather reports might be
Irvine, and other skeptics have since proven that false memories can be created and are now
wrong.)
concentrating on fashioning them for beneficial purposes -- to lose weight, to stop smoking, to curb drinking. An April report in Time magazine noted that “up to 40 percent” of people could be convinced that they had had bad experiences with a certain behavior and that, properly identified, those people could be taught to avoid it. Said Dr. Loftus, “We do have a malleable memory.”
PAGE 5
(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
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CONCERT BEAT
CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Tom Keifer, Jun 5 Rusted Root, Jun 8 Queensryche, Jun 12 Reverend Peyton, Jun 15
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY TICKETS 212-307-7171
TICKETS 610-434-4600 Coolio, Jul 19 Ministry of Love Great White, Aug 13 Bullet Boys, Aug 15
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 Craig Thatchers Saulte to Filmore II, Jun 15 The Felice Brothers, Jun 22 Cabinet, Jun 28
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600
Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ TICKETS 877-686-5366
TICKETS 212-777-6800
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Blues Traveler, Jun 21 Brandi Glanville, Jun 22
TICKETS 717-534-3911
BuckCherry, May 23 The Apple Stomp, May 31-Jun 1 The Janoskians, Jun 10-11 Hanson 21st B-Day Show, Jun 17
One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13
SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA
Kid Rock, Jul 6 Rock Star Energy Drink Mayhem Fest, Jul 13 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 16 Lil’ Wayne, Jul 21 Uproar Tour: Alice In Chains / Janes Addicition, Aug 9
TICKETS 610-898-7200 Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA
WWE Live, Jul 7
TICKETS 800-745-3000
Anti-Social Comedy Tour, Jul 20 Bad Company, Jul 29 Seth Meyers, Jul 31 Godsmack, Aug 7 Jay Leno, Aug 11 The Wanted, Aug 24 Gabriel Iglesias, Aug 29 Hanson, Sept 2 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22 Steely Dan, Sep 27 Jeff Foxworthy, Sept 28 Celtic Thunder, Oct 9 Diana Krall, Oct 10 Franky Valli, Nov 9
Billy Idol, Jun 9 Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10 Menopause the Musical, Jun 21 Cheech & Chong, Jun 28 America, Jun 29 Dwight Yoakam, Jul 3 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10 Slash, Jul 16 Tony Bennett, Jul 26
Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Alkaline Trio, May 23 The Dandy Warhols, Jun 1 Summerland Tour, Jun 20 Rancid, Jun 22 This is Hard Core, Aug 8-11
TOYOTA PAVILLION Montage Mountain - Scranton, PA TICKETS (570) 961-9000
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 922-5483 Face to Face, Jun 8 Killswitch Engage, Jun 9 The Psychadelic Furs, Jun 14 Robert Drakes 50th Birthday Blow Out, Jun 15 Juanes, Jun 21 Dylan Moran, Jun 22
REVERB - Reading, PA 1409 N. 9th St
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA TICKETS 215-336-3600 The Rolling Stones, Jun 18 Bruno Mars, Jun 24
MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA TICKETS 610-332-1300 Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 One Republic, Aug 3 Skillet, Aug 4
Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 George Thorogood Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 KC & The Sunshine Band, Aug 8 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 Ke$ha, Aug 10 Avenged Sevenfold, Aug 11
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA Page 8
TICKETS 570-420-280 Dropkick Murphy’s, Jun 11 Dickey Betts, Jun 8 Aaron Lewis, Jun 12 SlapJaw, Jun 14
Blues Traveler, Jun 21 Electric Hot Tuna, Jun 25 Mac Miller, Jul 16 Kansas, Aug 11
(610) 743-3069 For the Fallen Dreams, Jun 11 Fathers Day Invasion, Jun 15 Mayhem Fest, Jun 20-22 Alesana, Jun 25 Revocation, Jul 14
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650 The B-52’s, Jun 7 The Go-Go’s, Jun 12 Hot Tuna Acoustic, Jun 14 The Zombies, Jun 21
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0371
Rockapella, Jun 7 Ana Popovic w/ special guest Dana Fuchs, Jun 8 Summerland Tour, Jun 16 The Zombies, Jun 20
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Wednesdays - Trivia Night Thursdays - DJ Thursday starting at 10PM Every Friday & Saturday - Live Acoustic Music
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CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 6/7 Jake Kaligis 6/8 Nite Flyte Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment
BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 6/8 Banned From The Ranch
BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 Stratus Night Club 6/5 Urban Achievers 1193 Airport Road 6/6 Serene Greene 610-776-2090 6/7 The Snails Wednesday: Karaoke 6/8 Insomniacs 6/6 J.J. Sands 6/9 Modern Romance 6/7 DJ Paul C 6/10 Open Jam Nite 6/8 Danny Tapia 6/11 Asa-Em Strange Brew Diamondz Tavern 1913 W Broad St 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Monday: Pong night 610 865 1028 Sunday: Open mic Monday: Jukebox 6/7 Mighty Manatees Thursday: Karaoke 6/8 The Applachian Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Gypsy Tribe Karaoke Sunday: Karaoke Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St Bethlehem Brew (610) 770-1444 Works Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 569 Main St Live Entertainment 610-882-1300 Tim Harakal / Billy Vision Bar @ Sands Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard Jetport Lounge 610-297-7410 3400 Airport Rd. 6/7 UUU Allentown, Pa 6/8 DJ Adriano 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am Tally Ho DJ Jimmy K 205 W. Fourth St Fridays: 610-865-2591 Mike Mitman
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 6/5 DJ Johnny B 6/6 Greenline Inbound 6/7 Alien Arcade 6/8 Craig Thatcher Band 6/9 The Uptown Band 6/10 Element K 6/11 Kato & Friends
Banned From The Ranch 6/8 The Cornerstone Pub Bethlehem, PA
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 6/5 June Irish Sesiun 6/7 Vance Gilbert @ Guest Mike Holliday 6/8 Tavern Tan
UUU 6/7 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
COOPERSBURG
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010
Stratus Night Club DJ J.J. Sands Allentown, PA
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 5/29 T.B.A 6/1 Live Entertainment
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Golf Outing June 17 Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 FishBowl Thursday’s with DJ Adriano Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 5/30 Ojespa Jazz Project 5/31 The Boiled Owls 6/1 Schubert & Binder
Nite Flyte 6/8 Grumpy’s BBQ Allentown, PA
MORE ON PAGE 26
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Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
by: Mitch
AND H T I M S RICKY
THE CR USH ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH… Every once in a while, it’s my good fortune to be able to see a particular band on back-to-back nights and this past Friday, on the advice of friends, I headed out to Strange Brew in South Allentown for some late night rock-n-roll with a band I’d heard about but had not yet seen. That band was Ricky Smith & The Crush.
I was so impressed on Friday night, that I made it a doubleheader and saw them again Saturday night at Rascal’s. That’s why they’re this week’s featured band for Bands That Rock. Ricky Smith & The Crush are a Lehigh Valley-based power trio that plays up tempo rock, hard rock, pop rock, rockabilly, blues, plenty of 80s and even a few oldies from the 50s! Ricky Smith, on guitar and vocals, is joined by Craig Fly on the bass/backup vocals and drummer, Jose Matos. A native of the Pittsburgh area (and an avowed Steelers/Penguins/Pirates fan), Ricky Smith, explains how it all began.
“I’ve been in a lot of bands. This is the most fun band I’ve ever been in. Rick and I crossed paths and we clicked from the time we met.” It was 2007 when Ricky Smith decided it was time to put a band together. That’s when he met up with Craig Fly. Fly says, “Rick went off on other adventures when one day, he gave me a call and said, ‘Hey, are you interested in putting a trio together’ and I said absolutely.” Ricky Smith tells me, “I was going stir crazy. I met up with Craig. We went through a few different drummers. We found a good guy, Tom Austin. He was our main drummer for the past four years and unfortunately, he had a stroke. We had some guys fill in and they got us through the period where Tom was trying to get back to where he could play the drums again but then he had another setback.” Smith and Fly decided it was time to move on and begin to audition other drummers. One of the drummers to audition was Jose Matos. Matos appears to have the inside track to be the full time drummer of The Crush and he’s salivating at the opportunity. “I was honored that they called me to fill in”, says Matos A native of Barcelona, Spain, he began to play
Fly adds, “Jose locks in on the beat and I don’t have to worry about it because I know he’s going to be there with me. It just works well.” Matos also offers praise for his band mates. “You know what, Mitch? They make it easy. When you have that dynamic, you feel comfortable. You know exactly where you are. Craig provides me with a nice pocket to follow and we can freelance. The guys are awesome.” Ricky Smith’s credo is that when it comes to The Crush, less is more. He’s satisfied with the trio lineup and doesn’t see any need to add to it. “We like to keep it simple. That was our motto from the beginning. Let’s keep it simple. Just three guys that like to play the blues. We like to play rockabilly and rock. We mix it up. We’ll play some oldies, too. We all listen to each other on stage and feel the music so it brings out that energy and that’s what we try to portray on stage – that we have a lot of energy and I think the crowd feeds off that.” Ricky Smith & The Crush are online at www. thecrushrocks.com and on Facebook.
Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE 11
“I started playing guitar when I was fourteen. I used to be a drummer before that. I played drums on snare line in high school but the guitar came so much more easily to me. I was in a band with my sister – my first band. We played a lot of country music and she was into the country western scene.” Smith was thrust into the frontman role after his sister’s departure from the band. “She left the band suddenly and there was nobody to sing. That’s how I got started singing
and playing. I got forced into singing. I actually enjoyed it after a while – learned how to do it.” Bassist, Craig Fly, a Souderton native, is a well-seasoned veteran with forty years of experience playing in bands.
drums a t the age o f twelve and by the time h e was seventeen, was touring the US, Central and South America. He put the drums away for a while to raise a family but is happy to be back behind the kit and back on the music scene. Without the benefit of any rehearsals, his baptism by fire on the drums with The Crush, has yielded phenomenal results.
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
PAGE 13
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
24 Taps
www.strangebrewtavern.co 610-841-3610
Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews Entertainment This Week: Fri June 7 – Mighty Manatees Sat June 8 – Appalachian Gypsy Tribe Sunday – Open Mic Night
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Page 14
(corner of S. 5th St & Emaus Ave)
strangebrew610
WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
THE HANGMAN’S BODY COUNT VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN & SHADY LADIES
STONE
ALICE IN CHAINS
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
I’LL FOLLOW YOU
SHINEDOWN AMARYLIS
DO ME A FAVOR
PLOT: In a future where mankind has had to abandon Earth and has found a new home on a colony called Nova Prime, humanity’s greatest warrior, Cypher Raige (Will Smith) has just come back from a long tour of duty to be reunited with his son Kitai (Jaden Smith). He takes Kitai with him on a routine training mission, but a deep-space calamity leaves them marooned back on Earth. With both of Cypher’s legs broken, it’s up to Kitai to find a beacon that will signal their presence. Now, Kitai not only has to navigate the treacherous environment, but he’s also being stalked by a dangerous alien from Nova Prime that was on-board the ship when it crashed. REVIEW: I’ll give AFTER EARTH some credit; it’s better than M. Night Shyamalan’s last couple of movies. It’s not as mind-numbingly awful as THE LAST AIRBENDER or as unintentionally funny as THE HAPPENING. At times it actually comes close to being relatively decent movie. Sadly, those moments are all within the first twenty minutes or so before the big crash that sets the plot in motion and sidelines star Will Smith, leaving the film in the hands of his now teenage-son Jaden.
STONE SOUR
HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 2
VILIFY
DEVICE
DEVICE
TRENCHES
POP EVIL ONYX
ANASTASIA
SLASH / MYLES KENNEDY APOCALYPTIC LOVE
GOD IS DEAD
BLACK SABBATH 13
While Smith is an OK young actor, it can’t be forgotten that he’s been made into a movie star through his father’s mega-stardom, and putting him in an action movie where he’s not only the star but virtually the only actor on-screen for 80% of the running time is a big burden for any actor to carry. Will Smith did it fairly well in I AM LEGEND, but he was a seasoned pro by this point- Jaden Smith is not. The plot is right out of a video game, and obviously designed with kids in mind, as Smith has to navigate obstacles, creatures, and recharge every so often with an oxygen capsule to stay alive. Wanna bet he starts running out of capsules? The film’s major drama comes from whether or not Jaden will be able to “ghost” meaning stop secreting fear pheromones when he comes face-to-face with the alien from Nova Prime as it’s the only way the alien can see him. It feels so much like a video-game that I was half expecting a little monitor for fear, and another for life to pop up in the corner of the screen. Luckily, AFTER EARTH never gets quite that bad, but it’s still like watching someone else play a video-game for ninety minutes, with little in the way of drama or character development. I get that it’s for kids, but I’d bet even kids will find this dull, and the psychobabble about fear being an option is gobbledygook.
LIFT ME UP W/ ROB HALFORD
Nevertheless, AFTER EARTH does have a few things going for it. The CGI is terrible, but some of the scenery on Earth is nice. The musical score by James Newton Howard is excellent, and Will Smith, while only on-screen here and there, is good in his limited role, although the strange accent everyone uses is a very eccentric (and unnecessary) addition to the film.
THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 1
So, while it’s not as stunningly bad as THE HAPPENING or THE LAST AIRBENDER, AFTER EARTH still isn’t a very good film in it’s own right. M. Night Shyamalan probably still has a decent film in him somewhere, as he’s visually still a solid director and capable of making interesting set pieces, but AFTER EARTH isn’t the film that’s going to revitalize his career.
FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN &
THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE
TRANSIT OF VENUS
PAGE 15
10
By Chris Bumbray
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
Movie Review
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
Page 16
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
ALBUM REVIEW By: Scotty Brilliant
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
PAGE 17
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
SCIENCE FAIR TIME BY: Tyler Drake
We all remember the volcanoes. Those generally crummy constructions of paper mâché, decorated with small plastic trees and edible paint, that formed the vessel for a noxious, unstable mixture of baking soda, vinegar, and red food coloring. A science-fair staple. What was the point of this experiment? Certainly it was not chemistry, and the demonstration is only geologically informative in a world where god is a paste-eater.
the corner. Dwyer is probably a nice kid, maybe even a bright one, but the adults around him lacked a highschool understanding of electric circuits and the story broke into the national media before anyone realized they were not even measuring power.
I dug around a bit to answer this question. One cannot believe science reporting these days any more than you can trust the dong-elongating properties of a pill being sold in an internet pop-up ad. We hear about surfer dude Antony Garrett Lisi solving all of physics, many-dimensional string theories (which even a phony like Lisi realizes are “overly speculative”), gunship-like nanoparticles blasting away against cancer, and barely teenaged Aidan Dwyer developing a biomimetic solar-panel arrangement that increased solar-panel efficiency by twenty percent. But none of this can be trusted. Lisi is a nitwit and never published a serious paper. Cancer is still a huge problem after decades of hyperbolic reporting claiming a final solution around
What do we have for science fairs around here? Well, the Lehigh Valley Science and Engineering Research Fair is coming back in mid-March 2014 (the entry deadline will be in December of this year). So parents or potential parents need to start preparing (the latter will need to find kids). Here are some ideas: “Mars One: a Feasibility Study,” “Ricin-Tainted Clown Paint,” a Saturday-Night-Live-themed volcano in a box, “The Chemistry of Breaking Bad,” GFP-based glow-in-the-dark hamsters, and a high-school theory of everything (motto: “just as much evidence as string theory”). Of course, if you don’t want my help (and why would you? I’m a supposed adult who has slept under the Fahy bridge within the past month) you could always enlist the help of science genius Aidan Dwyer.
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Well, after some research, its turns out that the highschool nuclear engineer Conrad Farnsworth (really his name) lost on a technicality. He had competed in more science fairs than the hyper-repressive The science fairs that I remember taught us little Wyoming (state motto: “We Do Not Sow”) scienceabout science. They should have been called science- fair commission allows. And although many news themed arts and crafts fairs. But despite the widely sources reported that Farnsworth (the student) had reported decline in scientific literacy, there is this built a nuclear fusion reactor, more detailed reports headline on Fox News’s website: “Wyoming teen who established that he had built a device that caused a built reactor ousted from science fair.” And even fission reaction according to the blueprint of a similar news sources that support science are reporting science-fair-winning device built by around 15 other it! Can the science-fair landscape have changed high-school students (all of whom presumably won that much since I was eating paste that a kid could their fairs). Still, it is no small feat to transmute the build a nuclear reactor (less than a decade after elements. Sir Isaac Newton, who invented calculus and mechanics but probably our president couldn’t pronounce “nuclear”) “There is this headline on Fox News’s website:died a virgin, could never and not win a science Wyoming teen who built reactor ousted from accomplish what Farnsworth fair? And this in Wyoming, science fair.” And even news sources that (the student) was able to do for support science are reporting it!” a high-school event (meaning a state that is less densely populated than Mars will be in 20 years? the science fair, not prom) despite a lifetime of trying.
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
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ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) Your future is much on your mind Monday, as you ponder what comes next and how to make the most of it. Think big! You may get a few clues from your dreams in the middle of the week, as they are much more closely connected to your subconscious than usual. Starting Thursday, you’ve got some amazing energy flowing through you that practically forces you to begin new projects and start new relationships -you almost can’t fail! You need to deal with someone whose values differ from yours this weekend, but compromise is possible.
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) You’ve got romance on the brain (and in the heart) as you begin your week, so spend extra time with your heart’s desire or seek them out in some new venue. Tuesday and Wednesday aren’t especially thrilling, though you may spot a few lovely little moments here and there that really brighten your mood. You are at your best with one-on-one situations like dates or job interviews on Thursday and Friday, so try to reschedule those kinds of appointments for then if possible. Something that seems perfectly obvious to others deserves a closer inspection by you this weekend.
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) You need to say ‘no’ at some point on Monday, if only to assert yourself in the face of massive weirdness. Things settle down considerably over the next couple of days, and you may start to understand what people were thinking earlier -- though you still believe (correctly) that you were right. Expect a mad rush among coworkers or family members on Thursday and Friday, though you can’t see what the big deal is. Roll your eyes and let them freak out. You’re in your element over the weekend, and should make sure that you’re enjoying yourself to the fullest.
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) Conflicting ideas are more problematic than ever on Monday, so try to avoid huge fights by agreeing to one-sided compromises -- as long as you can take the consequences. You can expect a surge of great energy to come midweek that fills you with a playful spirit. Others are in awe and want to join in. Watch your health Thursday and Friday.Things get really intense this weekend, especially with family or your sweetie.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) The first half of the week brings several new opportunities, as well as ideas that seem bigger than GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) those you’ve encountered previously. Jump on anything You need to deal with your finances early on Monday that seems right to you, because at least some of these -- otherwise, things might get a little out of control this options won’t be repeated any time soon. Your great week! Take a few minutes to save several hours later. energy pops back on Thursday and helps you have lots The next few days are free and easy for you, and your of fun with your basic daily activities. Make a game out great energy almost guarantees that you have a good of cleaning or paperwork and let others in on the secret. time with your friends and family. You are feeling far too The weekend is all about details, though you’d rather rushed on Thursday and Friday, but you’re not alone. Try kick back and look at the long-term. your best to take things at the right pace, or you might find yourself going back and doing it all again. You’re in CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) charge this weekend, so act like it! Let people do what they want on Monday -- but step back when you’ve had enough! There’s no need to CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) embrace their crazy schemes just to feel like part of the You need to deal with your finances early on Monday club. You can connect with them midweek over other -- otherwise, things might get a little out of control this business, and you should find that you’re much closer week! The next few days are free and easy for you, and to their wavelength then. You crave stability more than your great energy almost guarantees that you have a anything else on Thursday and Friday, and while it’s not good time with your friends and family. You are feeling easy to find, it’s by no means impossible, either. You can far too rushed on Thursday and Friday, but you’re not get almost anything done this weekend as long as you alone. Try your best to take things at the right pace, use your good energy to keep yourself on track despite or you might find yourself going back and doing it all distractions. again. You’re in charge this weekend, so act like it! AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) LEO (7/23 - 8/22) You’ve got more energy on Monday than anyone really has Something you try on Monday just doesn’t work -- so try a right to have, especially on the slowest day of the week! something else! You’ve got far more options available Enjoy it and get ahead of the game while you’re at it. Your to you than you realize. Your friends take a bit of news altruism kicks in midweek, and you find yourself giving rather oddly midweek, and you might not understand more than you thought you had to someone in need. That’s until the missing piece of the puzzle gets filled in later. great karma, and it helps smooth the way to Thursday, Someone finally fills you in by Friday, and your opinion which should put you in the middle of a group of likeof at least one person changes for the better in a big way! minded people who meet for informal discussion that You should almost certainly stick with the tried and true could lead somewhere really great. You’re dwelling in the this weekend, as it’s all too easy to get stuck if things are past this weekend, but that might actually be for the best. unfamiliar. PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) You run up against reality somewhat on Monday, and A family member -- a child, if you’re a parent -- needs might find that a plan of yours is unrealistic. Don’t some advice as the week begins, but it’s vital that you despair, though -- you’ve got a golden opportunity to keep it strictly positive. Any serious criticism has to reinvent yourself right away, and the energy to pull it wait for a better time. Try to think big on Tuesday and off with flair! Whatever you’ve been dreaming of, you Wednesday, because your usual firm grasp of details should be able to manifest soon. The second half of the isn’t working as well. Later in the week, you’ve got a week is all about dreaming up a new identity (or goal, at better handle on the small stuff, but others may need least) for yourself, like a novelist works with characters. help. Think it through before offering, as you may You should be able to make the new you come to life need those resources in the near future. Your logical over the weekend, with spectacular results! mind is working like clockwork this weekend!
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000 6/15 Social Ballroom/Latin Swing Dance
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Thursdays: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 6/8 Rehab X 6/22 Scars of Bourbon
MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 6/15 Blackout Driver 6/22 T.B.A
OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 6/8 T.B.A 6/9 T.B.A
CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 6/7 Dirk Quinn 6/8 Brook Shive & 45’s 6/9 Gangsta Grass with Star & Mickey Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 6/7 Dan Ward 6/8 Keith Garner
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 7/3 Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 6/6 Dave Brown & Friends 6/7 George Wesley & Friends 6/8 Bovine Social Club w/ Tim Carbone 6/9 The Pocono Duo 6/11 Regina Sayles
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check out the Rehab X this Saturday at The Hammer Head Lounge in Northampton
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
MUSIC
Drummer Wanted We are looking for drums to complete a 4 piece rock act. We have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462
Trumpet / Bugler Needed To perform 140 Military funerals per year. Primarily between Reading and Allentown. 609-504-9450 Keyboard Player Wanted: play “Classic Hits” from the 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s. Call Mike: 610-216-5501
EMPLOYMENT GET PAID TO WALK Are you friendly? Do you enjoy talking to people? Get paid to walk around your neighborhood and talk to voters. Get paid same day. Call Kelly @ 610-217-3751 9am-5pm, Mon-Fri.
Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com
Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253
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Driver/Warehouse, seeking dependable delivery drivers for Allentown warehouse. Must have a valid drivers license and clean driving record. Other responsibilities include stocking inventory and preparing orders for shipment. Apply in person. Jacobs Auto Supplies 1532 Sumner Avenue Allentown, PA 18102
Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com
Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300
2000 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO 3.8L 6CYL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 133,000 MILES ,TWO TONED LEATHER, RUNS GREAT ! MOONROOF, AC/CD POWER WINDOWS, POWER LOCKS,$5,600.00 / 267-251-4997 (Montgomery County)
Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent Weekly or Monthly. Cable Utilities and wifi included. Single & Double Occupancy. $80/week and up. Clean Private. 610-282-8010
1995 white Acura Integra, 119,000 miles, runs great, automatic, all power, sunroof, heat, and dc sports exhaust sway bars. $2,300 obo also looking for a trade bigger car / 484-6950775
2br - House for Rent! (Salisbury)One, 2-bedroom house for lease! (Rental rate is $900 per month) Private, off-street parking for tenants. Property is located in a scenic wood area, but close to lot of amenitites! Close to I-78, just off of Emmaus Ave. $900/month For more info call: 610-972-7121
2001 Chevy Blazer 130k miles, automatic - runs and drives great, 4 new tires, new CD player, great motor and trans. $1995 / 484-788-9945
Environmental Field Tech The job will entail light demolition and soil remediation. The project will be kicking off within the first week of May and looking for more Hotel Housekeeping qualified personnel moving (Comfort Inn Quakertown) now accepting applications for forward in that same area. Please the position of Room Attendant. call our offices to inquire within is. Weekends are mandatory. No (201) 414-5702. calls please. Reply with resume or employment applications are available and being accepted at RESTAURANT hotel front desk 24 hours a day. Massage Therapist Seeking Massage Therapists Experience Preferred Call 610-262-9580
BARTENDER/SERVER Upscale Allentown restaurant seeking an experienced bartender/server. Must be able to work full time, weekends,days ,nights, & weekends. Qualified candidates should call 610-737-2183
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 5, 2013
ALL AMERICAN BODY & MIND
Q. What’s the definition of eternity? A. The time between when you cum and she leaves. Q. What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss? A. A kidney dialysis machine.
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? A. Cunt Stubble. Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be hell. Q. What goes: “CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?” A. A blind person with a rubix cube. Q. Why did God invent yeast infection? A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt. Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? A. They went outside to exchange blows. Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? A. He came home shit faced. Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea? A. An itchy cock. Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? A. Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips? A. Because “pot holder” was already taken. Q. What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm... Q. Why do women have arms? A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q. How are men like noodles? A. They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Q. Why don’t Canadians have group sex? A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards. Q. Why are hangovers better than women? A. Hangovers will go away.
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Q. What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want! Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up? A. Growing old is mandatory.
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JOKES
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MODEL BEAT
Age: 30 Allentown, PA What do you do to make $$? I am a full time
Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com
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Paralegal in a law firm in downtown Allentown & part time Commercial/Print Model Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? In a Relationship How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Facebook at www.facebook. com/DLDejesus82 Instagram @ DianeLDeJesus, or randy@donatellimodels.com Where was your best vacation destination? Puerto Rico. What do you do to relax? Get a manicure and pedicure. What sports do you watch the most? I am really not into sports but if I watch it, its usually Football. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Amaretto Sour What happens to be your worst vice? I am very Picky, and I don’t really like to compromise. What is your best feature? My smile. What TV show do you never miss each week? Law and Order SVU What movie would you recommend to our readers? A movie that really had me thinking and that I really liked was Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Would love to go to the Caribbean . What do you sleep in? Any nightgown only from Victorias Secret. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Are you tired? Cuz you been running in my dreams all night! What do want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Relationship is a two way street. Team work. You have to be willing to compromise in all aspects (financially, sexually and emotionally) for it to work.