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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE 6 • 145. OCTOBER ISSUE JUNE27 26--NOV JULY2,2,2010 2013
Concert listings from many places
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TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
18 VALLEY VOYEURS
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26 ZODIAC
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36 JOKES & COMICS
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY- VERY PERSONAL HYGENE
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
--Orestes De La Paz’s exhibit at the Frost Art Museum in Miami in May recalled
--Three men committed home invasion of a Houston residence on May 14 and, although two escaped, one wound up in the hospital and under arrest. The three men kicked in a door and shut the resident in an upstairs closet while they ransacked the home, but they failed to inspect the closet first and thus did not realize that it was the resident’s handgun-storage closet. A few minutes later, the resident emerged, locked and loaded, and wounded one of the men in the shoulder and leg.
Chuck Palahniuk’s novel and film “Fight Club,” in which lead character Tyler Durden’s principal income source was making upscale soap using discarded liposuctioned fat fetched from the garbage of cosmetic surgeons (thus closing the loop of fat from rich ladies recycled back to rich ladies). De La Paz told his mentor at Florida International University that he wanted only to display his own liposuctioned fat provocatively, but decided to make soap when he realized that the fat would otherwise quickly rot. Some visitors to the exhibit were able to wash their hands with the engineered soap, which De La Paz offered for sale at $1,000 a bar.
THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT -- As recently as mid-May, people with disabilities had been earning hefty black-market fees by taking strangers into Disneyland and Disney World using the parks’ own liberal “disability” passes (which allow for up to five relatives or guests at a time to accompany the disabled person in skipping the sometimeshours-long lines and having immediate access to the rides). The pass-holding “guide,” according to NBC’s “Today” show, could charge as much as $200 through advertising on CraigsList and via word-of-mouth to some travel agents. Following reports in the New York Post and other outlets, Disney was said in late May to be warning disabled permit-holders not to abuse the privilege. -- After setting out to create a protective garment for mixed martial arts fighters, Jeremiah Raber of High Ridge, Mo., realized that his “groin protection device” could also help police, athletes and military contractors. Armored Nutshellz underwear, now selling for $125 each, has multiple layers of Kevlar plus another fabric called Dyneema, which Raber said can “resist” multiple shots from 9 mm and .22-caliber handguns. He said the Army will be testing Nutshellz in August, hoping it can reduce the number of servicemen who come home with devastating groin injuries. -- “Ambulance-chasing” lawyers are less the cliche than they formerly were because of bar association crackdowns, but fire truck-chasing contractors and “public adjusters” are still a problem -- at least in Florida, where the state Supreme Court tossed out a “48-hour” time- out rule that would have given casualty victims space to reflect on their losses before being overwhelmed by home-restoration salesmen. Consequently, as firefighters told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel in May, the contractors are usually “right behind” them on the scene, pestering anxious or grief-stricken victims. The Sun-Sentinel found one woman being begged to sign up while she was still crying out for her dog that remained trapped in the blaze.
PEOPLE WITH ISSUES (1) John Allison, 41, who was arrested inside a Hannaford’s grocery store in Massena, N.Y., in May, first aroused suspicion as an anticipated shoplifter, but it turns out that all he wanted to do was to remove a pepperoni from the meat case, rub it on his penis and put it back. He was charged with criminal mischief. (2) David Beckman, 64, was charged in DuPage County, Ill., in May with misdemeanor animal cruelty after he allegedly sexually abused his pet peacock, “Phyl.”
UNCONVENTIONAL TREATMENTS
-- Researchers writing recently in the journal PLoS ONE disclosed that they had found certain types of dirt that contain antimicrobial agents capable of killing E. coli and the antibiotic-resistant MRSA. According to the article, medical “texts” back to 3000 B.C. mentioned clays that, when rubbed on wounds, reduce inflammation and pain. -- Researchers writing in May in the journal Pediatrics found that some infants whose parents regularly sucked their babies’ pacifiers to clean them (rather than rinsing or boiling them) developed fewer allergies and cases of asthma. (On the other hand, parental-cleansing might make other maladies more likely, such as tooth decay.)
FINE POINTS OF THE LAW --A woman in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood reported to a local news blog in May that she had seen (and her husband briefly conversed with) a man who was operating a “drone” from a sidewalk, guiding the noisy device to a point just outside a third-floor window in a private home. The pilot said he was “doing research” and, perhaps protected by a 1946 U.S. Supreme Court decision, asserted that he was not violating anyone’s privacy because he, himself, was on a public sidewalk while the drone was in public airspace. The couple called for a police officer, but by the time one arrived, the pilot and his drone had departed, according to a report on the Capitol Hill Seattle blog.
PERSPECTIVE Army Major Nidal Hasan went on trial in June for killing 13 and wounding another 32 in the notorious November 2009 shooting spree at Fort Hood, Texas, but his 43 months in lockup since then have been lucrative. WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth) reported in May that Maj. Hasan has earned $278,000 (and counting) in salary and benefits because his pay cannot be stopped until he is convicted. By contrast, some of the 32 surviving victims complain of difficulty wrenching money out of the Army for worker compensation and disability treatment -- because the Army has refused to classify the spree-shooting as a combat-similar “terrorist attack” (in favor of terming it the politically correct “workplace violence”).
READERS CHOICE
--In Albuquerque in May, Luis Briones, 25, became the most recent person arrested for distracted driving -- after he crashed into another car while engaged in sexual intercourse in the driver’s seat. (His naked lady-friend was thrown from the car, but not seriously hurt.) --Bryan Zuniga, 20, was (according to a deputy) weaving in traffic in his SUV in May near the St. Petersburg, Fla., city limit, but instead of submitting to the deputy, he fled on foot and eventually climbed a fence to a water-treatment plant -- and apparently disturbed an alligator residing in a pond. Zuniga was treated at St. Petersburg Hospital for bites to his face and arm.
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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
CONCERT BEAT
CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Why, Jun 21 Hiding Scarlet, Jun 29 Street Light Manifesto, Jul 11 Black Stone Cherry, Jul 16
TICKETS 212-307-7171 Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 Cabinet, Jun 28 Dead on Live, Jun 29 Ben Taylor, Jul 6
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 WWE Live, Jul 7
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Carlos Mencia, Jun 29 Thunder from Down Under, Jul 5-Aug 31 Kansas, Aug 11
TICKETS 610-332-1300
Beyonce, Jul 25 Black Sabbath, Aug 10 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 George Thorogood Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 KC & The Sunshine Band, Aug 8 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 Ke$ha, Aug 10 Avenged Sevenfold, Aug 11
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA Page 8
TICKETS 570-420-280
Blues Traveler, Jun 21 Patent Pending, Jun 28 The Legacy of Michael Jackson, Jun 29 Mac Miller, Jul 11
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
TICKETS 212-777-6800
Caravan Place, Jun 27 Fitz & the Tantruns, Jun 30 Sly & Robbie, Jul 11 Psychadelic Furs, Aug 3
MAIN GATE, Allentown SOVEREIGN CENTER,PA Reading, PA TICKETS TICKETS610-898-7200 610-898-7200
Sevendust, Jul 25 • SickPuppies, Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Aug Jun 18 18
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 627-1332 RX Bandits, Jul 19 Bens Summer Bender, Aug 3 This is Hard Core, Aug 8-11 Fall Out Boy, Sep 8 City and Colour, Sep 18
TICKETS 800-745-3000
Cheech & Chong, Jun 28 America, Jun 29 Dwight Yoakam, Jul 3 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10 Slash, Jul 16 Ed Kowalczyk (Of Live), Jul 19 Tony Bennett, Jul 26 Anti-Social Comedy Tour, Jul 20 Bad Company, Jul 29 Seth Meyers, Jul 31
Family Feud Live, Aug 2 - 4 Godsmack, Aug 7 Jay Leno, Aug 11 Danzig with Doyle, Aug 13 Abba, Aug 15 The Wanted, Aug 24 Gabriel Iglesias, Aug 29 Hanson, Sep 2 Russell Brand, Sep 14 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22 Steely Dan, Sep 27 Jeff Foxworthy, Sep 28 Celtic Thunder, Oct 9
HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA TICKETS 717-534-3911
One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13
TOYOTA PAVILLION Montage Mountain - Scranton, PA TICKETS (570) 961-9000
Kid Rock, Jul 6 Rock Star Energy Drink Mayhem Fest, Jul 13 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 16 Lil’ Wayne, Jul 21 Uproar Tour: Alice In Chains / Janes Addicition, Aug 9
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
TICKETS (215) 922-5483 Zombie Beach Party, Jun 29 Belle & Sebastian, Jul 10 A Flock of Seagulls, Jul 14 They Live, Jul 21 Summer Slaughter Tour, Aug 4 Scott Weiland, Aug 17
1409 N. 9th St
TICKETS 215-336-3600
Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 One Republic, Aug 3 Skillet, Aug 4
TICKETS 877-686-5366
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REVERB - Reading, PA
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Heart & Jason Bonham, Jul 3 Kid Rock, Jul 9 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12
Coolio, Jul 19 Ministry of Love Great White, Aug 13 Bullet Boys, Aug 15
The Eagles, Jul 16 Justin Bieber, Jul 17
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY
Dave Mason, Jul 18 Electric Hot Tuna, Jul 25 Kansas, Aug 11 We The Kings, Aug 14
(610) 743-3069 Shooter Jennings, Jul 7 Revocation, Jul 14 Nine Days, Jul 26 Kix, Aug 17 Bam Margera w/ Hed Pe, Aug 23
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650
David Sanborn & Bob James, Jun 28 Buddy Guy, Jul 30 Philadelphia Rock & Blues Fest, Aug 14 Adam Ant, Aug 15
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0371 Happy Together, Jun 27 Tesla Jun 28 Doobie Brothers, Jul 7 7 Bridges, Jul 12
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CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 6/28 Dave & Waverunners 6/29 Charlie Brown’s Notorious Groove Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music 6/26 Aaron Carter
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 6/28 Uncle Smiley
BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment
Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Sunday: Open mic 6/28 Trouble City All Stars 6/29 A.L.C.B
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Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More
Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman
Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Jukebox Thursday: Karaoke Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke Sunday: Karaoke Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 6/28 The Aardvarks 6/29 DJ Adriano Tally Ho 205 W. Fourth St 610-865-2591
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thursdays - DJ Jamal Knight
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 6/28 Zen for Primates 6/29 Maidencreek Festival Fundraiser
Celebrity Night w/ DJ Tom Taylor 6/26 Molten Lounge Sands Bethlehem Bethlehem, PA
The Aardvarks 6/28 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
COOPERSBURG
Mary Fahl of October Project 6/22 Godfrey Daniels Bethlehem, PA
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 6/26 Scooby & Cookie 6/29 Bad Influence
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 6/26 Traditional Irish Open Jam 6/27 BD Lenz Jazz 6/28 Selectronics 6/29 Kill the Broadcast
Bad Influence 6/29 The Pocono Pub Bartonsville, PA
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Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 6/26 K-Jamm 6/27 Scott Pine & The Conifers Stratus Night Club 6/28 Amrev 1193 Airport Road 6/29 MotherLoad also 610-776-2090 Silhouette Lies Wednesday: Karaoke 6/30 Serene Green
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 6/26 DJ Tom Taylor Presents: Meet & Greet Celebrity Aaron Carter 6/27 My Hero Zero 6/28 Emily’s Toybox 6/29 M-80 6/30 Mr.Echo 7/1 T.B.A 7/2 T.B.A
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“A Tab in the Ocean” 4th installment in a series of articles about my experiences aboard the MSC Poesia for the Cruise to the Edge
Wishbone Ash. I was under the impression that Nektar would be headlining the show and going on last. Regardless, we were right up front with cabaret seating.
10:30 PM Friday, June 21, 2013: “A Tab in the Ocean” seemed like a good lead-in to my recollection of the week of March 25-30, 2013. Prog Rock fanatics, including myself, set sail from Fort Lauderdale to Caribbean destinations for the 5-day Cruise to the Edge which featured Yes as headliners. I know that the Caribbean is a sea but close enough. It was a non-stop floating progressive rock festival with a slew of great classic and contemporary bands of the genre. Among the bands Cruising to the Edge with Yes was Nektar, a band consisting of Englishmen but formed in Hamburg, Germany in 1969. Nektar is founding members Roye Albrighton (electric guitar/vocals) and Ron Howden (drums/vocals), with German keyboardist Klaus Henatsch (keyboards/vocals) and Lux Vibratus (bass guitar). Even as I write this article on Friday night, I am preparing for a Nektar doubleheader - Saturday at the Sellersville Theater and Sunday at B.B. King’s on 42nd Street right off Times Square in New York with Martin Turner’s Wishbone Ash and Sons of Hippies. I’ll save the last half of this column for comments about those shows if I can squeeze them in before my Sunday night deadline. Nektar’s appearances on MSC Poesia were short but oh so sweet. Their first scheduled performance at the Poesia pool stage on Wednesday, March 27, was bumped from evening to late night with a 12:30 AM start time. The show never went off due to technical difficulties. They were rescheduled for Thursday evening and the technical issues had been resolved but alas, the cloudy Caribbean skies opened up only three songs in, postponing them once again. Those three songs were a trifecta from 1972’s A Tab in the Ocean, their second album, and amounted to about thirty minutes of fantastic music.
Sons of Hippies opened the show with a freaky set of psychedelic rock with lead singer Katherine Kelly sounding like Gwen Stefani on a bad acid trip which was a bit disappointing considering the fact that Nektar was relegated to just a 70 minute set. At Sellersville, Nektar played a set of songs from throughout their 44 year career including Dream Nebula and Recycled. Lux Vibratus was amazing on bass guitar, an ageless Ron Roye Albrighton of Nektar & “Rastafarian” Ron Howden on drums aboard MSC Poesia Howden was a beast on drums, for Cruise to the Edge Klaus Henatsch was solid on keys and vocals but Roye Albrighton Valley” and “King of Twilight.” A heavy downpour of was undoubtedly the star of the show. A.J. wanted to tropical rain ensued and the deck was soon desolate itself stop for a late night bite on the way home so we pulled as everyone scrambled for cover. My euphoria turned in to John’s Plain and Fancy Diner in Quakertown and to sadness and my thirst for Nektar was unquenched. had a nice breakfast. As we were eating our food, in My giddiness returned once I learned that Nektar was granted walks Roye Albrighton. He was friendly and gracious and a special one hour make-up slot the following day at 1PM greeted us at our table for a brief chat. He’s a real down but inside the Pigalle Lounge. It was announced that Nektar to earth type person. I am ready for another performance would perform their fourth album, Remember the Future, in tonight in New York where I’m hoping Nektar headlines. its entirety. This year also marks the 40th anniversary of the release of Remember the Future. I’ve been enjoying Nektar for almost forty years and it amazes me how fresh and vibrant the music sounds to this day but particularly at the live shows.
12:51 AM Monday, June 24, 2013: Just got in from NYC for the nightcap of my Nektar doubleheader. Once again, Nektar was the opener rather than the finisher. Although B.B. King’s is a cool place to see shows, nothing really compares to the intimacy and the superior sound of Sellersville. Perhaps Nektar will return to the area soon in support of their new Time Machine release. My thirst for Nektar is still unquenched…
10:03 AM Sunday, June 23, 2013: Last night at Sellersville, a ¾ full house was on hand for Nektar and Martin Turner’s Wishbone Ash with opening act Sons of Hippies. My good prog buddy from WLVR, A.J. Fritz, joined me for Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen the show which did not years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits disappoint although from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including Nektar went on free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please before Martin Turner’s contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com PANTONE 485 CVU
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They began the pool stage show with the 17 minute title track from “Tab” which is the entire side one of the album and I was in a giddy prog euphoria, transported back to the 70s, as the majestic organ intro was followed by the distinctive guitar playing of Roye Albrighton. Albrighton’s guitar tabs in the ocean were nothing short of spectacular as he created tones and chords that captured the essence of heavy progressive rock. The next two from “Tab” were “Desolation
THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT JUNE JUNE 26, 26, 2013 2013 THE
by: Mitch
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
24 Taps
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WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E
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1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
STONE
ALICE IN CHAINS
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
THE HANGMAN’S BODY COUNT VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN & SHADY LADIES
I’LL FOLLOW YOU
SHINEDOWN
PLOT: A former UN investigator, Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is forced to leave his family when a Zombie pandemic threatens the population with annihilation . REVIEW: Anyone who follows movie news can tell you that WORLD WAR Z has been an exceedingly troubled production. We’ve all heard the stories about how the ending of the film was gutted in favor of a scaled-down, re-written (by Damon Lindelof and Drew Goddard) and reshot final forty minutes. Everyone expected this to be some kind of disaster, but the early reviews were surprisingly positive, making it seem like whatever they did to the movie worked.
AMARYLIS
TRENCHES
POP EVIL ONYX
DO ME A FAVOR
STONE SOUR
HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 2
LIFT ME UP W/ ROB HALFORD FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN &
THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 1
SWERVE CITY
DEFTONES
KOI NO YOKAN
OUT OF TIME W/ CHESTER BENNINGTON
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
HOWL
BEWARE OF DARKNESS ORTHODOX
SICK OF IT SKILLET RISE
Having finally seen the finished film for myself, I can say this. Two-thirds of WORLD WAR Z are pretty damn good. By that I mean everything up to the part that was re-done. While this Vanity Fair article suggests the original ending was a disaster, I’m not so sure they were better off with their pricey fix, as the current version of the movie absolutely deflates once the new material begins. Bits and pieces of Brooks’ book have made it into the film, with Pitt’s UN investigator occasionally meeting up with people who tell him stories that aren’t necessarily faithful to the book, but are in the same spirit. Of these sequences, David Morse’s cameo as a turncoat CIA agent who just escaped North Korea (who’ve come up with a brutal but ingenious solution I won’t reveal here), and James Badge Dale’s bit as a macho Navy SEAL come the closest to Brooks’ style. I guess the filmmakers were less interested in making this a geo-political thriller than a budget-busting action movie. Any attempt at infusing the script with the social commentary present in Brooks’ book is absent. While infuriating to fans such as myself, to a point the film still works. The key to the movie’s initial success is Brad Pitt. As Gerry Lane, Pitt makes a believable, thinking man’s action hero. His main goal is to keep his family safe- with his wife played by THE KILLING’s Mireille Enos- something we can all relate to, and a staple of the zombie genre. One he leaves them to embark on his globe-trotting adventure, the film loses its emotional undercurrent, although it still delivers in spectacle. In its current form, WWZ has three big action sequences, with the initial outbreak in Philadelphia being the first. However, once the re-shot footage begins the movie absolutely goes into the toilet. Without giving away too much, what had previously been a large-scale action movie suddenly turns into a claustrophobic thriller, which it simply doesn’t have the smarts to pull off. Lindelof and Goddard come up with a MacGuffin to bring the film to a speedy conclusion (while leaving the door open for a sequel), but it feels so convenient and undercooked the audience I saw this with at the premiere could help but chuckle here and there. To me the ending is an absolutely fatal flaw in what up to then had been an unremarkable if entertaining tentpole action movie. At its best, it’s never all that great, but it was more than decent. Had the ending been consistent with the first two-thirds, I would have given this an easy 7/10. But, the ending is bad enough it ruined the movie for me, and I find that I can’t really recommend two-thirds of a good movie.
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10
By Chris Bumbray
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
Movie Review
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
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ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW ALBUM
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The 90s were an awesome decade. I was in my teens (for the most part), there was good television programming on Friday night, and alternative rock one-hit wonders were a dime a dozen. Every once in a while I’ll play one of those bands on The Bone and I’ll get an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. Sure some of them really sucked, but there were a few diamonds in the rough. One of those diamonds was Filter. Frontman Richard Patrick is sort of an industrial rock icon, having been the guitarist in Nine Inch Nails before breaking off to form Filter with guitarist Brian Liesegang. On a side note, Richard Patrick is the younger brother of Robert Patrick, the bad terminator from one of my favorite 90s films, Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Four years after Robert Patrick found fame in Terminator 2, his younger brother rode the waves of success when Filter released their debut album Short Bus, which included the hit song “Hey Man, Nice Shot.” The song was written about the 1987 public suicide of PA state treasurer R. Budd Dwyer, even though many thought it was written about Kurt Cobain. This song launched the career of the then unknown industrial rock band from Cleveland. However, it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing for the band after the release of Short Bus. Filter changed up their style quite a bit on their second release Title of Record, which included their mellow ballad “Take a Picture.” Patrick said he wrote this song about getting drunk on an airplane, taking off all of his clothes, and fighting with the flight attendants who tried to stop him. I’m sure we have all been in his place at one point in our lives. Hell, what else is there to do on an airplane besides get drunk, take off your clothes and yell at the flight attendants? Shortly after the release of their third album The Amalgamut, Patrick checked himself into rehab for alcoholism. However, this setback did not stop Filter from releasing three more albums including their latest effort, The Sun Comes Out Tonight, which came out
By: Scotty Brilliant
a few weeks ago.
It and Skip It picks:
Filter decided to go back to their industrial rock roots on this new record. The album kicks off with a hard-driving electro rock anthem called “We Hate It When You Get What You Want,” with Patrick screaming the chorus: “yeah / sit yourself down / sit yourself down motherfucker.” Next up is the first radio release and currently being played on The Bone, “What Do You Say.” This song showcases the industrial rock style that gained the band attention almost 20 years ago. Unfortunately, the momentum shifts with the third track, “Surprise.” This bubble gum song was very reminiscent of “Take a Picture.” The momentum is then restored in the middle of the record with “This Finger’s For You” being one of the highlights. “Take That Knife Out Of My Back,” is the best example of Filter’s return to form, with Patrick even stating that the song is very similar to “Hey Man, Nice Shot.” Ironically, one of my favorite tracks is the ballad, “It’s My Time,” which hauntingly reminds us there’s no cheating death. On this positive note, here are my Crank
Crank It We Hate It When You Get What You Want It’s Got To Be Right Now This Finger’s For You Skip It Surprise Self Inflicted With all the success that Filter has had over the years, one would think that these guys would be financially set. This is not the case. Currently on the online donation site, indiegogo, Filter is looking to raise $40,000 to fund their upcoming world tour. With only a month left till the end of the campaign, they are less than a quarter of the way to their goal. Whether or not you view this as a worthy cause fully depends on whether or not you are a fan of Filter. It’s good to see that these guys still have the passion, but I think it might be time to hang up their hat. You can only tread water for so long before eventually drowning.
Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
LEHIGH VALLEY VOYEURS BY: Tyler Drake
The Lehigh Valley is watching as two voyeurism cases unfold in Bethlehem. The most recent took place in the bathrooms of Moravian, and the other in the bedroom of a write-in candidate for mayor.
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Jerone A Darden, a Moravian student from Bethlehem and alleged serial urination filmer, was caught in the basement of the Comenius Center when a man using the bathroom noticed a cell phone peeking in from an adjacent stall. Presumably angry, the unwilling urination-video actor confronted Darden in the bathroom and called the police.
camera (for example, Brickhouse Security sells a motion-activated model for around $400) and realized that it was the clock mounted in Gregory’s bedroom. The girlfriend said she later discovered video of their sexual congress on memory cards that likely had been used in the clock camera. Gregory denies the charges, claiming that he bought the clock after some money had gone missing from his house and that the clock did not work very well. “That surveillance clock,” he said, “was a piece of junk. I threw it out months ago.” Police were granted a search warrant to look for, and seize as potential evidence, cameras, memory cards, and computer equipment from the home of Gregory. Said Gregory: “They were there to search for a sextape or something of that matter.”
Darden confessed to a campus officer, explaining that “he often records people using the bathroom... and doesn’t know why he does it.” After acquiring a search warrant, police looked through the phone of Darden, finding “numerous” videos of men peeing, tinkling, pissing, etc. Police identified six men from the videos News junkies with long memories will remember (by the way, if not for the obvious privacy concerns, other incidents around the Lehigh Valley involving this problem would have been a great candidate for a inappropriate photographs taken without permission. crowdsourcing solution... “That surveillance clock,” he said, “was a piece Specifically, the 2009 set up www.campustinkle. of junk. I threw it out months ago.” Police were incident where a freshmen com/moravian, advertise granted a search warrant to look for, and seize as at Emmaus High School it in the Moravian potential evidence, cameras, memory cards, and took more than 300 upskirt school newspaper, computer equipment from the home of Gregory.” photographs and videos of his and I guarantee the students would identify more classmates and teachers. In that case, the student than six urinators inside of a week). Darden pled uploaded the secret photos and videos to many guilty to open lewdness, avoiding more-serious websites, often attaching the names of the victims. charges that would have required him to register as a sex offender. He has been ordered to undergo Critics of Google Glass, the mega-company’s cyborga psychological evaluation, but I doubt anyone like electronic glasses that can record video, will find the reason for his filming. I suspected he worry that the new-fangled device will enable and might be running some kind of fetish website, but precipitate more of this form of crime. Creepsters all I got after a few hours of online research was with the $1500-a-pair glasses could potentially a browser history that badly needed to be voided. record anything they see without anyone around them knowing. For this reason, they have already been A few blocks away from where Darden recorded banned from board meetings and bordello bedrooms, urination, former Bethlehem city councilman and knowledgeable women never bang anyone who and current mayoral hopeful Jim Gregory is is still wearing their Google Glass unless they are alleged to have surreptitiously filmed sexual acts okay with being recorded. Right now, the Glass is between himself and his then-girlfriend. The ex- both limited and distinctive, but perhaps we are girlfriend, who remains unidentified, found out headed to a future where one cannot pee or screw that Gregory had bought a clock containing a without footage possibly ending up on the internet.
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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NIGHTLY ENTERTAINMENT PAGE 21
Wednesdays - Trivia Night Thursdays - DJ Thursday starting at 10PM Every Friday & Saturday - Live Acoustic Music
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
WING NIGHT MONDAY : Starters Pub Wings 60¢ Wings • ½ Price Boneless 5pm-11pm
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3731 Route 378 • Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772
FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111
BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/
MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/
CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/
MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204
CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN
TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES
6. Fast & Furious 6 7. The Purge 8. The Internship 9. Star Trek into the Darkness 10. Iron Man 3
SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/
July 5th, 2013
READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828
THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094
NEW DVD RELEASES
1. The Call 2. Burt Wonderstone 3. No 4. Phantom 5. Upside Down
6. Into the White 7. CSI: NY Final Season 8. Pusher 9. Todd & The Book of Pure Evil: Season 2
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1. Monsters University 2. World War Z 3. Man of Steel 4. This is the End 5. Now You See Me
THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/
REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY (ROUTES 33 & 248) LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800
EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878
Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
REGAL POHATACONG CINEMA 12 Rt 22 PHILLIPSBURG, NJ 908-454-7500 http://www.fandango.com/
REGAL RICHLAND CROSSINGS 12 RICHLAND CROSSING QUAKERTOWN 215-536-7700 http://www.fandango.com
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT INDUSTRY MONDAYS WITH
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AT SOTTO SANTI 10 W. 4th St BETHLEHEM
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) You’re feeling much more domestic than usual during the first half of the week, and should think about family and repair projects before other issues. If you can handle it, you may find it fruitful to have a heart-to-heart with a parent. Exciting energy floods your senses later in the week, so expect to have a good time out of almost anything then. Push ahead with something totally new! The weekend is better for slowing way down and enjoying the ride -- you don’t need to rush anything just yet!
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Make Monday more about sharing (your feelings, your time off, your ideas) than planning. Let romance run its own course now. The stars favor being more proactive in the love department from sometime Tuesday through Thursday. Dust off those sweet goals, shine up your heart’s wishes and open up about it all. Bonus: Questions you ask now are likely to bring splendid responses! Beware of that stubborn streak of yours around Friday and Saturday. An open mind gets you way further, faster. On Sunday, you’re just plain hot. GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Watch out for foul moods during the first half of the week, in yourself as well as those around you. It’s a time that makes disappointment ten times as bitter as usual, and you need to avoid raising expectations too high. See if you can coast through to Thursday, when your intellectual energy starts to rise dramatically. You should be able to realign yourself with a plan that is much more reasonable for you. Though your emotional side is a bit stiffer this weekend, you should still be able to understand what those around you are going through.
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) You need to spend some time during the first half of this week just taking stock of your life and appreciating all the things (and people) you may not have noticed up until now. Let yourself dive into some big project or idea on Thursday -- you don’t have to worry about how all the pieces fit together as long as you’re doing something you love. The weekend is a little annoying, thanks to an almost-forgotten task that seems to take you forever to get around to doing. SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) It’s the littlest things that could mean the most as the week begins. Don’t underestimate anything in the realm of romance now! Around Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, it’s the deep stuff that’s in the stars. Look further and more intently, both within yourself and when it comes to any love interest. Are you connecting on a values level? And while your instinct may be to push the boundaries on Friday or Saturday, resist the impulse and let some natural evolution occur. By Sunday, you can put a sweet plan in place. SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) You just aren’t so sure about what you need to do next when the week begins -- but keep asking questions! You’re in the right frame of mind to accept big changes, or sets of small changes that add up to something great. When things start to gel, your good mood is ineradicable and you should find that those around you are caught up in your excitement. Bills and red tape may consume at least a good chunk of your weekend, so get ready for some detail-heavy drudgery.
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CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) You’re doing quite a bit of eye-rolling all the way CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) through Wednesday evening -- almost everyone you Go ahead and talk to yourself for the first few days know is overreacting to some bit of news or surprise of the week -- if anyone thinks you’re crazy, they’ll announcement, and you seem to be the only one soon learn otherwise! It’s a good time for you to see who has any kind of perspective. Good luck sharing if you can get your people to commit to something it! Things might actually get worse for your people new and important. If you show off a little on Thurs- later in the week, as a wave of selfish energy flows day and Friday, it’s for a good reason, and you ought over them and it suddenly becomes dog-eat-dog to impress the right people and put yourself in a good for almost everyone but you. Focus on your own position for the future. Attend to the small details of projects and all will be well. The weekend brings your life this weekend, if only to get ready for larger blessed relief, and your mind opens up to new ideas things to come. and information. LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Expect big ideas to come your way early this week -- through your own inspiration or through mundane channels like email. You’re in just the right frame of mind to give them the careful consideration they deserve, so take the time to think them through. At least one leads to some serious recognition on Thursday or Friday, and you should be able to make the most of your great energy then. The weekend is better spent considering your financial situation -- you need to make some tweaks if you want to succeed!
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) All things romance related are favored by the stars right at the beginning of this week, so what are you waiting for? The coupled up can take leaps ahead in their relationships, while singletons’ well-chosen words go over great. Keep plans low-key around Wednesday, when just dealing with the day-to-day is plenty to handle. But from later on Thursday through the weekend, some delicious tension’s in the air. Find creative ways to break it and enjoy the discoveries you’re bound to make in love now!
VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Fall back on your good friends as the week begins -- you know they’re there for you, and it’s easier than ever to ask them for anything you may need. You are all more or less on the same page, so work together! Try your best to relax on Thursday and Friday -- especially when new ideas or requests come your way. Flexibility should go a long way toward making life sweeter for you. The weekend is as exactly good as you make it, and can be almost perfect if you put a little work into it early on!
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) Your poetic imagination makes the first half of the week seem almost magical -- for you and for those close enough to consider family. It’s the best time to share your feelings or to try out new artistic projects. Beware of work issues on Thursday and Friday, especially involving your immediate supervisor or closest client. Things could get quite contentious if you don’t de-escalate immediately. A little detective work should clear up any lingering doubts about your friends or family this weekend.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000 7/13 Social Ballroom/Latin Swing Dance
READING
Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Thursdays: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 7/13 Sweet Spot 7/20 Tim Harakal
MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 6/29 That Being Said 7/13 Voodoo Blues 7/20 The Four Walls
OREFIELD
Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 6/28 From the Wreckage 6/29 T.B.A
CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 6/28 Reveremd Chris 6/29 Spirit of Laurel Canyon Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 6/28 Soul Custody / DJ Spinz 6/29 Mike Brill / DJ Scriggs The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 6/28 Michael Kracht 6/29 Keith Garner
PENNSBURG
PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 7/3 Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 6/27 Dave Brown & Friends 6/28 Baby Cave Band 6/29 Baby Cave Band 6/30 The Pocono Duo 7/2 Zac Lawless & Sideshow
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check out Baby Cave Band Friday & Saturday at the Sarah Street Grill in Stroudsburg
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
MUSIC
Drummer Wanted We are looking for drums to complete a 4 piece rock act. We have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462
Trumpet / Bugler Needed To perform 140 Military funerals per year. Primarily between Reading and Allentown. 609-504-9450 Keyboard Player Wanted: play “Classic Hits” from the 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s. Call Mike: 610-216-5501
EMPLOYMENT A Reliable Cleaning Person needed Monday thru Friday P/T for several locations in Allentown. Evenings after 5PM. Own Transportation a must. No Criminal record. We do check. Call 610-837-8999
Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com
Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253
EMPLOYMENT
EMPLOYMENT
REAL ESTATE
AUTOMOTIVE
Reliable Lot Person Needed to keep cars and lot clean. This is a full time position that requires some Saturdays. You must have a PA Drivers License and you must have your own transportation to get to work. If you are afraid of hard work please don’t apply if you are ready to work, please call Mr. C at 484-707-1516.
Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com
Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300
2000 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO 3.8L 6CYL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 133,000 MILES ,TWO TONED LEATHER, RUNS GREAT ! MOONROOF, AC/CD POWER WINDOWS, POWER LOCKS,$5,600.00 / 267-251-4997 (Montgomery County)
Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent Weekly or Monthly. Cable Utilities and wifi included. Single & Double Occupancy. $80/week and up. Clean Private. 610-282-8010
1995 white Acura Integra, 119,000 miles, runs great, automatic, all power, sunroof, heat, and dc sports exhaust sway bars. $2,300 obo also looking for a trade bigger car / 484-6950775
2br - House for Rent! (Salisbury)One, 2-bedroom house for lease! (Rental rate is $900 per month) Private, off-street parking for tenants. Property is located in a scenic BARTENDER Roosevelt’s 21st is looking to wood area, but close to lot of amenitites! Close to I-78, just off hire experienced bartenders. of Emmaus Ave. $900/month 1328 West Tilghman St, For more info call: 610-972-7121 Allentown, PA 21 East Elizabeth Ave, Bethlehem, PA Send resume or apply in person at either location.
2001 Chevy Blazer 130k miles, automatic - runs and drives great, 4 new tires, new CD player, great motor and trans. $1995 / 484-788-9945
APPLY TODAY START TOMORROW!!! Leading Distribution Company is seeking experienced Sit down forklift operators. Hotel Housekeeping • Selecting / Order Picking (Comfort Inn Quakertown) • must be able to lift 50lbs. now accepting applications for • Pre-Employment Check / Drug the position of Room Attendant. • Screening Required 941 Marcon Blvd Suite 101 is. Weekends are mandatory. No Allentown, Pa 18018 calls please. Reply with resume or employment applications are 610-264-1200 available and being accepted at RESTAURANT hotel front desk 24 hours a day. Massage Therapist Seeking Massage Therapists Experience Preferred Call 610-262-9580
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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New Secretary
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.” Gambling It was little Johnny’s first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. “Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.” The father asked her what had happened. “The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.” “Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.” Desperate Measures
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A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by. So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again. “So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked. “Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.” “That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?” Said the woman: “All of them, of course!” Pussy and Bitch A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.” She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says “well, pussy and bitch”. She says “Oh That’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?” He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.” “OK dad, so what’s a bitch?” “Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
JOKES
THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013 Page 38
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THE VALLEY BEAT JUNE 26, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 43 Philadelphia, PA What do you do to make $$? Print & Promotional,
Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com
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TV & Film Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Single. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FACEBOOK. OR Contact My Agent Randy@donatellimodels.com - Ask for Randy! Where was your best vacation destination? Any Beach. What do you do to relax? Read, Wine, Bubble Bath & Candles. What sports do you watch the most? Football & Baseball. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Malibu Bay Breeze. What happens to be your worst vice? Saying Whats on my Mind, NO FILTER. What is your best feature? Eyes, Smile, Curves, & Fun Personality. What TV show do you never miss each week? Law & Order, The Sopranos. What movie would you recommend to our readers? Good Fellas. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Swim with Dolphins, Pursuing Modeling, Film & TV & Playboy. Are you a Spender or a Saver? Both! What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Getting serious about my Modeling & Film & TV. Soon to be shooting with Playboy Photographers David Mecey & Gen Nishino. What do you sleep in? Commando. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Are you hurt? Because you fell from heaven. What do you want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Communicate & don’t become possessive and trust your Partner.