Issue 160 october 9, 2013 by The Valley Beat

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE 6 • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE 160. OCTOBER 9 - 15, 2013

10 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Gina Crash while Scotty’s on Vacation!

FRIEND ZONE 21 THE Elle Spaulding gives an in depth look into the dreaded friend zone

26 ZODIAC

Your astrology for the week

36 JOKES & COMICS

12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39

A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

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Editor: Valerie L. Keiper Creative Director: Don Junz Model Beat: See Page 39 list of Photographers Contributor: Mitch | Columinists: Tyler Drake Camille Capriglione | Elle Spaulding | AJ Fritz

Cover Design: Don Junz Album Review: Scotty Brilliant Hot Shots: Showgun Photography The Bone Top 10: Gina Crash

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

--Was Moammar Gadhafi the last of the “buffoon dictators,” asked BBC News in October. His legend was earned not merely with his now-famous, dirty-old-man scrapbook of Condoleezza Rice photos. Wrote a BBC reporter, “One day (Gadhafi) was a Motown (backup) vocalist with wet-look permed hair and tight pants. The next, a white-suited comic-operetta Latin American admiral, dripping with braid.” Nonetheless, Gadhafi had competition, according to an October report in the journal Foreign Policy. For example, the son of Equatorial Guinea’s dictator owns, among other eccentric luxuries, a $1.4 million collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il owns videos of almost every game Michael Jordan ever played for the Chicago Bulls.

CREME DE LA WEIRD --Police in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, arrested a much-too-zealous expert on local cemeteries in November, suspected of digging up the bodies of 29 women buried in the city and taking them to his apartment. Local media identified him as prominent historian Anatoly Moskvin, 45, possessor of “certain quirks,” including making solitary forays through the hundreds of graveyards in the region. Police found the mummified corpses, outfitted in dresses and headscarves, in Moskvin’s home, along with an assortment of plastic dolls wearing frilly dresses.

CUTTING-EDGE SCIENCE

--Japan’s Showa University School of Dentistry has for several years been training future practitioners using life-sized synthetic patients from Orient Industry, based on the company’s “sex dolls,” and recently upgraded to the fancier silicone dolls with human-feel skin that can cost as much as the equivalent of $9,000 when sold to perverts who custom-order young women for companionship. According to a July CNN report, advanced robotics added to the Showa version allow the doll to utter typical patient phrases, to sneeze, and (when trainees mishandle tools) to gag.

Hey, What’s “Good News” Doing in “News of the Weird”? --Japan’s National Police Agency revealed in August that during the five months following the tsunami-provoked nuclear disaster, super-honest searchers had turned in wallets containing the equivalent of $48 million and safes containing cash of the equivalent of $30 million. --In August, the school superintendent of Fresno County, Calif., refused $800,000 in guaranteed salary and said he would run the 325-school system for three years on less pay than a first-year teacher makes. --Employees at the dump yard in Pompano Beach, Fla., gave Brian McGuinn zero chance of ever finding the custom-designed ring he had given his wife but had accidentally tossed in his trash at home on Oct. 30. Facing nine tons of 10-foot-high rotten eggs, dirty diapers and other garbage (which made him vomit), he found the ring within 30 minutes.

WAIT . . . WHAT? In the course of an October story on an ill-fated Continental Airlines flight during which all restrooms in coach were broken, the reporter for the Star Tribune of Minneapolis sought reactions from experts. Calling the toilet failures a “bad situation that hasn’t been addressed” was Robert Brubaker, a spokesman for something called the American Restroom Association, “a Baltimore-based advocacy group for toilet users.”

ingenious that it slathers poison, from chewing the A. schimperi plant, onto an absorbent strip of fur on its back as protection against predators many times larger. The researcher observed first-hand a dog quivering in fear after just one failed mouthful of a crested rat’s fur in his laboratory. The noxious goo is also used by African tribesmen on their hunting arrows. --Researching the Itty-Bitty: In October, Popular Science dubbed researcher Gaby Maimon of Rockefeller University as one of its “Brilliant 10” for 2011 for his monitoring of neurons in the brains of fruit flies. Maimon first had to immobilize the flies’ brains in saline and outfit their tiny neurons with even tinier electrodes -- so that he could track which neurons were firing as the flies flapped their wings and carried out other activities (work that he believes can be useful in treating human autism and attention-deficit disorder).

OH, DEAR!

--An October Associated Press dispatch from New Orleans warned that “Caribbean crazy ants” are invading five Southern states by the millions, and because their death triggers distress signals to their pals for revenge attacks, up to 10 times as many might replace any population wiped out. Said a Texas exterminator, of a pesticide he once tried, “In 30 days I had 2 inches of dead ants covering (an) entire half-acre,” and still the ants kept coming, crawling across the carcasses. Texas, Louisiana and Mississippi are currently the most vulnerable. --Biologists found a shark fetus with one centered eye inside a pregnant dusky shark off the coast of Baja California Sur, Mexico, in October. A marine sciences lab in nearby La Paz confirmed that the unborn baby, which filled up a researcher’s hand, had the extremely rare congenital “cyclopia.”

LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATORS --In March, William Ernst, 57, owner of the QC Mart chain of Iowa convenience stores, excitedly announced a company-wide employee contest with a prize of $10 for guessing the next worker that Ernst will fire for breaking rules. “Once we fire the person, we will open all the envelopes (containing the entries), award the prize, and start the contest again.” Ernst added, “And no fair picking Mike Miller from (the Rockingham Road store). He was fired at around 11:30 a.m. today for wearing a hat and talking on his cellphone. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!” (After firing a cashier who had complained about Ernst’s attitude, he challenged the woman’s unemployment-compensation claim, but in October, a judge ruled in her favor.) --Even in a flagging economy, Christie’s auction house in New York City was able to attract a record sales price for a photograph. In November, a 1999 photo by German artist Andreas Gursky, of a scenic view of the Rhine River, sold for $4.3 million. (It is possible, of course, that buying the actual waterfront property that Gursky photographed from -- to enjoy the same view every day -- would have been less expensive.)

A News of the Weird Classic (March 2009)

Russia’s long-running Moscow Cat Circus/Theater, reported in News of the Weird in 1998, is still in service, astonishing all who ever tried to train a cat. In the United States, Samantha Martin runs her own similar show (at such venues as Chicago’s Gorilla Tango Theatre in March (2009)) featuring the Rock Cats trio on guitar, piano and drums, as well as a tightrope-walker, barrel-roller and skateboarder, among other performers. Martin admitted to a Chicago Tribune reporter that the cats’ music “sucks,” in that “when they’re playing, they’re not even playing the same thing,” and anyway she has two backup drummers because her regular is prone to “walking off in a huff,” sort of “like diva actresses.” “This is why you don’t see trained cat acts. Because . . . the managers can’t take the humiliation.”

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106

OUR ANIMAL OVERLORDS An Oxford University researcher reported in August on the African crested rat, which is so

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

5 $ 4 $ 3 $ 2 $

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DrAft sPeciALs: Miller Lite, Yuengling, Leinenkugel 10pm – midnight

Live music • 10Pm – 2Am friDAy, OctOber 11 emily’s toyBox with dJ the new york Giant

friDAy, OctOber 18

Go Go GadJet with dJ freezie

friDAy, OctOber 25 dJ reese

Join us Before and after every show at the sands Bethlehem event Center!

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/VISIONBARPA

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

CONCERT BEAT

CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713

The Stomping Ground Tour, Oct 10 Five Finger Death Punch, Oct 13 Filter, Oct 17

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY TICKETS 212-307-7171

Eagles, Nov 8-11 • Paramore, Nov 13 • Rod Stewart, Dec 9

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600

Teddy Geiger, Oct 16 Bleeding Through, Nov 11 The Predatour Feat, Ice Nine Kills, Nov 14 Veil of Maya, Dec 6

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249

The Steepwater Band,Oct 10 Eaglemania, Oct 11 Cast of Beatlemania, Oct 12

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ TICKETS 877-686-5366

The Weekend, Oct 4 Paramore, Metic, Hellogoodbye, Nov 8 Slayer & Gojira, Nov 29 The Fresh Beat Band, Dec 6

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

TICKETS 212-777-6800 Watain, Oct 8 Example, Oct 16 God FLesh, Oct 19 3oh!3, Oct 21

MAIN GATE, Allentown PA MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, TICKETS 610-898-7200 SOVEREIGN PA12 Bayside Motion City, OctCENTER, 8 * 90’s to NowReading, Dance Party, Oct Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Bears vs Penguins, Oct 12 Philadelphia, PA MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791

The Stylistics, Oct 19 Ru Paul’s Drag Race Show, Oct 26 Aaron Lewis, Nov 16

TICKETS 215-336-3600

MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA TICKETS 610-332-1300

Vienna Teng, Oct 9 Alex Hosue, Oct 10 Glen Tilbrook of Squeeze, Oct 13

Celtic Thunder, Oct 9 Paramore, Nov 11 Soul Asylum/Fountains of Wayne/ America’s Got Talent, Nov 13 Evan Dando, Oct 11 Terry Fator, Nov 17 A Day To Remember, Oct 12 IL Divo, Nov 19 So You think You can Dance, Oct 16 Weezer, Nov 23 Barenaked Ladies, Oct 18 Trace Adkins, Nov 29 Sammy Haggar, Oct 26 Megadeth, Nov 30 The Black Crowes, Oct 30 Celtic Woman, Dec 4 Joan Rivers, Nov 1 Myth Busters, Dec 12 Kevin James, Nov 7 50 Shades The Musical, Nov 10

FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-826-1100 Cyndi Lauper, Oct 22

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 922-5483

Scorpion Child, Oct 6 Comedy Bang! Bang!, Oct 14 The Chariot, Oct 17 Peek A Booooo Halloween Revue, Oct 18 Stephen “Ragga” Marley, Oct 25 The Orb, Oct 26 Overkill & Kreator, Oct 31 Less than Jake, Nov 8 Papadosio, Nov 9 Yo Gotti, Nov 10 The Devil Wears Prada, Dec 14 Protest the Hero, Dec 15 David Koechner, Jan 11

1409 N. 9th St

Pearl Jam, Oct 21-22 Powerhouse, Oct 25 Dennis De Young, Live Music of Styx, Oct 27 Live: Medium’s Gallery with Laury Moore, Oct 30 The Bang Group, Nov 1

(610) 743-3069 Taproot, Oct 15 Rivers of Nihil, Oct 18 Gwar, Nov 16 Sepultura, Nov 17 Blyndsyde, Nov 20

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650

Steve Hacket, Oct 11 Colin Hay, Oct 12 Zappa Plays Zappa, Oct 16 The Piano GUys, Oct 18

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA

Firestarter, Oct 11 Conspirator, Oct 19 Umphrey’s McGee, Oct 24 Misfits, Oct 25

Melvin Seals, Oct 10 King Henry & Showmen, Oct 15 Gordon Lightfoot, Oct 26 America, Nov 2

TICKETS 570-420-280 Page 8

Time Flies, Oct 11 Wolfgang Gartner and Tommy Trash, Oct 20 Steve Aoki, Oct 24 Austin Mahone, Oct 25

TICKETS 800-745-3000

REVERB - Reading, PA

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA Selena Gomez, Oct 18 Drake, Oct 19

TICKETS (215) 627-1332

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

Greg Allman, Oct 29 In This Moment, Nov 8 Jake Miller, Nov 19 Twelve Twenty Four, Dec 12 Clutch, Dec 28

TICKETS 570-325-0371

FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE & SOUL ASYLUM TAKE THE STAGE AT THE SANDS BETHLHEM EVENT CENTER FRIDAY

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB (610) 776-7711 BREWS BROTHERS WEST (570) 283-1300 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA

ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

75 MAIN STREET, LUZERNE, PA

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Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524

Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 10/11 Jam/Roman 10/16 Ladies Night Jam with Roman Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

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Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More

Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

BATH

Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 10/25 Costume Party

BETHLEHEM

Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 10/9 Blind Owl Band 10/10 Post Junction 10/11 Harkland 10/12 T.B.A 10/13 DJ Realion 10/14 Open Mic 10/15 P.D.R Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Trivia Friday DJ June Saturday DJ Cisco Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 10/11 Emily’s Toybox 10/12 DJ Cap Cee’s Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 10/9 Dr Johnny B & The After Dark Dancers 10/10 Go Go Gadjet 10/11 Lauralea Tripp 10/12 Alien Arcade & DJ Tom Taylor 10/13 Crazy Hearts 10/14 Tower Suite 10/15 Element K Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 10/20 Blackout Party 10/30 Dogfish Hean Beer Dinner

Alien Arcade 10/12 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA

Emily’s Toybox 10/11 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 10/10 Sarah McQuaid 10/11 Reverend Billy C

CATASAQUA

Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

COOPERSBURG

Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010 Thursdays: Pool Tournament 8pm & Karaoke w/ DJ Shocker 9:30pm

BARTONSVILLE

The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 10/9 SC Duo 10/12 Angel Down

EASTON

Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 10/12 Throwback Party Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 T.B.A

Throwback Party 10/12 Drinky’s Easton, PA

SCP 10/9 Pocono Pub Bartonsville, PA

MORE ON PAGE 26

Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night 10/11 The Peter Johann Band 10/12 Social Call

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

STEVE HACKETT G E N E S I S

R E V I S I T E D

THE OCTOBER 9, 9, 2013 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT OCTOBER

by: Mitch

5th (and final) installment in a series of articles about my experiences aboard the MSC Poesia for the Cruise to the Edge

2013 Cruise to the Edge - John Wetton of King Crimson, UK and Asia sings “Afterglow” with former Genesis guitarist Steve Hackett

and “I Know What I Want.” Hackett knew what Genesis fans wanted on the Poesia and he and his band delivered in a big way. Steve Hackett, besides being an incredibly talented guitarist, is always a gentleman and a very humble and nice guy. He made himself accessible to the fans on board the big boat but really charmed my wife and me after the ship had docked and passengers disembarked. We decided to stay in Florida one more day and then fly back to the valley. We took a taxi to our hotel near the airport, checked in and then decided to grab some breakfast down the boulevard. The best we could do was coffee and breakfast sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts. After breakfast, we began walking back to the hotel and much to our amazement, saw Steve Hackett and his wife, Jo, walking across the boulevard toward us. They, too, had just left their hotel in search of breakfast and we stopped to exchange pleasantries with them and thank him for the great shows on the cruise. He then asked us if we would like to join them for breakfast. We politely

Steve Hackett stopped to pose with my wife, Donna, in Fort Lauderdale after the Cruise to the Edge

declined but what a sweet gesture by a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. That was a great way to end our honeymoon and we enjoyed the whole experience so much, we’ve decided to book our cabin for the upcoming 2014 Cruise to the Edge in April!

PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC

Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years! Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more! Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

PAGE PAGE 11 11

From April to July, I wrote four Bands That Rock articles on classic progressive rock groups that performed aboard MSC Poesia during the Cruise to the Edge in late March 2013. Those four bands, Yes, Carl Palmer Band, UK and Nektar, also had local dates after the cruise with performances taking place at venues like the Sands Bethlehem Event Center in Bethlehem, Sellersville Theater in Sellersville, World Café Live in Philadelphia and BB King’s in New York. This series of review/preview articles is now coming to an end, almost seven months after setting sail in south Florida. The last of my cruise log subjects is the phenomenal British guitarist and singer-songwriter, Steve Hackett, of early Genesis fame, who is scheduled for back-to-back performances this Friday and Saturday night at The Keswick Theatre in Glenside, PA followed by a Sunday night show at the Scottish Rite Auditorium in Collingswood, NJ. These shows are a continuation of Hackett’s “Genesis Revisited” tour, a nostalgic trip back to the 70s and the prog glory days of Genesis before Phil Collins directed the band toward pop stardom in the 80s. Aboard MSC Poesia, Hackett performed two shows – one inside the ship in the Teatro Carlo Felice on Day 1 of the cruise and the other outside at the pool stage on Day 5. According to Hackett, he hadn’t played some of the music in almost forty years. For this virtuoso, it was like riding a bike. The first set inside covered early Peter Gabriel-era Genesis. Hearing the opener, “Watcher of the Skies”, played by the master himself, was a truly riveting experience. The audience was then treated to an atmospheric “Dancing With the Moonlit Knight” from Selling England By the Pound. The Lamb Lies Down album was featured prominently with “Fly On A Windshield” ratcheting up the power level. Booming bass pedals coupled with the superior acoustics in the Teatro Carlo Felice made this one a crowd favorite. The band followed up with “Broadway Melody of 1974”, “Cuckoo Cocoon” and “The Chamber of 32 Doors.” It was back to Selling England with “I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)” which usually gets the crowd singing along. “The Musical Box” from Nursery Cryme and the epic “Supper’s Ready” rounded out the first show on Day 1 of the cruise. This cruise was a honeymoon trip and the weather was mostly cloudy, breezy and cool throughout the entire five days except when Hackett and company took the stage on the final day of the cruise at the pool stage. As the band began to play, bright, warm sunshine burst through the rapidly disappearing cloud cover. The throng that had amassed around the pool stage was delirious as Steve Hackett and his band mates opened with the post-Peter Gabriel “Dance On A Volcano” from the Trick of the Tail album. This second show featured more of the great Genesis tunes from the Phil Collins era, some cowritten by Hackett, and ones that he is particularly proud of. Genesis’ 1977 release, Wind and Wuthering, and the last record with Hackett as a member of the band, was featured as the band performed three songs in succession from that album. “Eleventh Earl of Mar” and “In That Quiet Earth” were followed by “Afterglow”, which was sung by guest vocalist, John Wetton, who was appearing on the cruise with UK. Wetton provided a light moment as he employed a lyrics cheat sheet for “Afterglow” which was warmly received by the prog fans on board. And now, I digress. Oddly enough, John Wetton is appearing tonight at the Sellersville Theater with the modern progressive rock group, District 97. District 97, out of Chicago, can boast an American Idol Top Twenty Finalist as their lead vocalist in Leslie Hunt. Wetton will perform District 97 material but is also slated to join the band for a full set of King Crimson classics. Look for a review of that show with an interview with District 97 in an upcoming issue of The Valley Beat. Back to Steve Hackett! The pool stage show continued with “Watcher of the Skies”, “Los Endos”

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

UPCOMING PROMOTIONS FEATURES Hammerhead Lounge Starters Pub

$2.50 Drafts

Leons

Wednesday $3 Pitchers 10-12am

Revolutions

$3 Drafts Happy Hour 5-7pm

Keystone Pub Bethlehem

$2.25 Drafts All Day Everyday

Roosevelts 21st Allentown Hops Fogelsville Hotel

SATURDAY OCTOBER 12TH 7-9PM REVOLUTIONS

Fridays $1.50 Drafts

Sunset Grille

Linx Tilted Kilt

Saturday $2 Drafts $3 Drafts All Day Everyday Friday and Saturday $2 Pints $2 Drafts

The Valley Coors Girls

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Friday $2.00 Drafts $2 Drafts All Day Everyday

Blue Monkey Sport Bar Rivals

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

HAIL TO THE KING

AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING

MISERY LOVES MY COMPANY

THREE DAYS GRACE TRANSIT OF VENUS

NEVER NEVER KORN

THE PARADIGM SHIFT

PLOT: Machete (Danny Trejo) is back and this time he’s on a mission for the U.S President (Charlie Sheen...er...Carlos Estevez- embracing his gonzo rep) to kidnap a revolutionaryMendez The Madman (Demian Bichir) who’s got a missile aimed at Washington D.C. REVIEW: MACHETE made for a great trailer, but as a film it felt like a joke that was spread too thin. Suffice to say, the idea of a bigger, wilder sequel didn’t inspire too much confidence, but it turns out MACHETE KILLS is exactly the movie the first one should have been. Maybe it’s due to Robert Rodriguez being the sole director this time out (he only co-directed the first one with Ethan Maniquis) but MACHETE KILLS works. It’s certainly a dumb film, but it’s self-consciously dumb and everyone involved seems to be having a blast. That feeling proves to be contagious.

THERE’S NO GOING BACK SICK PUPPIES CONNECT

LEADER OF THE BROKEN HEARTS PAPA ROACH THE CONNECTION

VOICES

ALICE IN CHAINS THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE

WE’RE AN AMERICAN BAND ROB ZOMBIE

VENOMOUS RAT REGENERATION VENDOR

LOLA MONTEZ

VOLBEAT

BEYOND HELL ABOVE HEAVEN

BEAUTIFUL P.O.D

MURDERED LOVE

TIRED

STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1

Once again, Danny Trejo slips into Machete’s iconic leather vest, and despite being older than most of the cast of THE EXPENDABLES, it can’t be denied this part was made for him. He’s like a Latino Charles Bronson on steroids. He’s essentially the straight-man for the world of absolute nonsense that surrounds him. While the impact of the role has no doubt been lessened by Trejo’s numerous appearances in a seemingly endless series of no-budget genre films, Rodriguez seems to have real affection for him, and it shows. The one thing I really enjoyed about the first film was the supporting cast, but this one outdoes it. A couple of folks are back, including the great Tom Savini, Michelle Rodriguez, and Jessica Alba (in a reduced role). Alba, is actually more or less replaced by Amber Heard, as a beauty-queen/agent, who seems a good fit for Rodriguez’ crazed world. Demian Bichir, who’s usually such a serious actor, gets to really play against type as Mendez the schizophrenic, who veers from being an austere revolutionary in one scene, to a crossedeyed maniac that would have probably been played by Klaus Kinski thirty years ago, in a similar exploitation film. The big new player in the MACHETE franchise is Mel Gibson. Gibson’s never played an allout baddie before, but his cartoonish, Bond-villain style antagonist is him having more fun than he’s had in years. Imagine an evil Riggs, crossed with Hugo Drax from MOONRAKER, and constantly backed up by a retro sci-fi score by Carl Thiel, and you’ve got a good idea of the fun that Gibson’s got in store for us. He single-handedly elevates the movie from being lightly amusing, to really entertaining. If you’re a fan of Gibson’s work, there’s a ton of Easter eggs thrown into the movie, which will not be spoiled here. There are tons of other fun parts, with Cuba Gooding Jr, Antonio Banderas, Sofia Vergara, Vanessa Hudgens, Lady Gaga, William Sadler, and more showing up here and there. However, just like the first one, MACHETE KILLS is not for everyone. It’s corny, brain-cell killing vibe will put off a big chunk of the audience, and not just those who don’t get the fact that it’s all a joke. Part of the fun of a good exploitation movie is that they’re not self-consciously funny. That’s not the case here, so it really is a 108 minute gag. Probably the best way to watch MACHETE KILLS is as a send-up of action movies, and I’d wager any five minute stretch of MACHETE KILLS is funnier than the entirety of the SCARY MOVIE franchise. Bring on MACHETE KILLS AGAIN...IN SPACE!

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By Chris Bumbray

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013 Page 16

By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:

the record is “Don’t Matter,” which has a raw fifties-style riff underneath a hooking chorus. “Beautiful War” is one of my favorites from the record, with Caleb’s voice sounding better than ever. Another hit is the slightly sappy, but still awesome “Wait for Me,” which Gina Crash actually showed to me before it was even releasedthe perks of being a radio DJ. This takes us into the second half of the record, which is better than the first. “Family Tree” has a very bluesy feel to it, with an awesome bass riff provided by Jason. Some of Caleb’s best lyrical work can be found on “Comeback Story,” with the chorus “I walk a mile in your shoes / and now I’m a mile away / and I’ve got your shoes.” I think this is pure genius. “Tonight” is another one of my favorites and worth listening to a few times. Caleb lets us in to his mind once again on “On the Chin,” with the heartfelt lyrics “All my life I was born to lead / worry not just leave me be / I’ll abide till the end /

I’ll take it all on the chin for you my friend.” Crank It Don’t Matter Wait for Me Tonight Skip It Temple Last Mile Home Mechanical Bull is one of those albums you can listen to from beginning to end without skipping a track. I’m not saying every song is good, but every song is listenable. So next time you’ve got a long drive… or maybe just trying to get off Route 22 on a Friday afternoon, throw on this record. Chances are, you’ll enjoy it… probably not as much as Work Release Fridays on 107 The Bone, but hey, at least you won’t have to worry about Tom Ring screaming between tracks. Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.

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Call it the comeback story of a lifetime; a band on the brink of uncertainty manages to fight adversity, regroup and release what could be there best album to date. Okay, maybe that’s a little exaggerated, but the underdog story is not too far off for Kings of Leon. They have had some rough times internally over the last couple of years, yet despite this, they seemed to pick back up right where they left off. 2010 was the last time we saw a release from Kings of Leon, but their history as a band dates back many years before that. The band consists of brothers Nathan, Caleb, and Jared Followill, and cousin Matthew Followill. They all elected to go by their middle names instead of their first names. The band’s early music was a blend of Southern Rock and Blues, but has gradually expanded to more of an alternative rock sound. You wouldn’t believe that the long haired, bellbottomed 70’s throwback Kings of Leon is the same band that you hear on the radio today. Don’t believe me? Go to YouTube and search for Kings of Leon’s first single “Red Morning Light” and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Kings of Leon achieved initial success in the United Kingdom with nine Top 40 singles, two BRIT Awards in 2008, and all three of the band’s albums at the time peaking in the top five of the UK Albums Chart. Their third album, Because of the Times, also made it to the number one spot. But it wasn’t until their release of Only by the Night in 2008 that the band saw commercial success in the US. Even if that title doesn’t ring a bell, you sure as hell know the hit singles from the album. Does “Use Somebody” or “Sex on Fire” sound familiar? I hope so, because they were on heavy rotation on just about every rock radio station in the US. Times got a little tough for lead singer Caleb in 2011, less than a year after the release of their fifth studio album, Come Around Sundown. At a concert in Texas, Caleb appeared to be heavily intoxicated and slurred incomprehensibly between songs, often rambling about nothing. He left the stage, claiming he was going to vomit, drink a beer and return to play three more songs. He never returned, causing the rest of the band to apologize to the crowd and end the concert abruptly. As a result, they went on to cancel the rest of their US tour. This led to the band announcing a hiatus after their Australian tour finished up in November 2011. Now Kings of Leon are back and more focused than ever. This is evident on their latest effort, Mechanical Bull, which has lyrics inspired by their two year break from song writing. The album begins with the ultra-catchy first single release, “Supersoaker.” One of the heavier songs off

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 2, 2013

ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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A girl’s response to the friend zone By Elle Spaulding

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Are you familiar with this scenario? Two people meet. They share some common interests and become friends. Person A may have entered the friendship with feelings of desire towards Person B or those feelings may develop during the course of their friendship. B definitely starts out thinking that this is a normal friendship and may or may not become aware of A’s affections later, but wants to maintain a platonic friendship. This readers, is the friend zone. This is what I know as the friend zone this is what all of my friends know as the friend zone. This is the friend zone. Notice that A and B were not gender specific, because the friend zone is not gender specific. Which is a question that fellow contributor Kenny Luck raised in his weekly Sexucation column for this very magazine, The Valley Beat Issue 159. If you missed it, Kenny’s article, in short, claimed the friend zone to be the situation whereby specifically girls awkwardly reject guys who have asked them on a date. Kenny’s article further cites “anecdotal” evidence to support this claiming that it is because guys are the one’s doing the asking. If the bar is merely anecdotal, may I provide anecdotal evidence of my own? I’m female (and twenty something, a girl I think by Kenny’s article) and I’ve been in the friend zoned. The friend zone is not something that women do to men. In my experience it’s something that a person does to himself or herself, because, for more anecdotal evidence, the woman I am and the women I know tend to agree to dates with men that are forthright and decisive about asking them out. Here’s the thing about women, we like strong men (a matter that Kenny also explored in Issue 156). We like men who have made up their minds that we are the one object of their affection and most importantly we like men who have the courage to tell us and keep telling us if necessary. When I friend zoned myself, I never told the person that I wanted that I was interested. I was just nice to him every day. I was caring and patient and helpful, which is to say, too caring, too patient and too helpful. I put up with a lot of bullshit and the whole time all I was doing was being selfish because frankly I thought that simply being nice entitled me to his affection, but that was a lie. When you friend zone yourself you can’t magically transform creepy over attached longing into a healthy normal relationship. So as a person, who just happens to be female, I would like to say to all the men and women who feel like they are in the friend zone. I’m sorry, I know that it hurts and I’m not trying to be mean, but come on, grow a pair (testes or ovaries, depending your anatomy) and tell the person that you like about your feelings, or move the fuck on and become a normal friend and do it soon because I’ve also been on the Person B side of the friend zone relationship and I can say that things were generally ok until I figured out on my own that about Person A’s feelings and when he didn’t tell me for months and I watched as his attachment and grew and the requests to spend time together and do things just the two of us started, I became uncomfortable and wanted to distance myself from that person entirely and not just as a potential romantic partner, but also put some distance between us as friends and that hurt the both of us and all of our mutual friends. So just do it. Say something or move on. We’re adults, this isn’t about guys and girls, like Kenny said, it’s about being a man (or woman). In my friend zone experience, I went the latter route. That guy that I wanted? We’re just friends and I’m ok with that (although I should say it did help that I moved across the country) but now I have a life that is more happy and joyful with normal healthy relationships. I met new people, some great platonic friends and did indeed go out on a date with someone who was brave enough to ask. That relationship never took off because we were just too different as people and it was something that we both agreed to and are entirely happy with. No months of agony, no distress nor hurt feelings.

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772

FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111

BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/

MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/

CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/

MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204

CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878 THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094 Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/ SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/

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REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY (ROUTES 33 & 248) LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800 READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828

NEW DVD RELEASES

1. Hangover Part 3 2. The Purge 3. After Earth 4. Much Ado About Nothing 5. Home Run

6. Europa Report 7. Stuck In Love 8. American Horror Story: Asylum 9. Bones: Season 8 10. Nothing Left To Fear

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1. Gravity TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES 6. Don Jon 2. Cloudy w/ A Chance of 7. Baggage Claim Meatballs 2 8. Insidious Chapter 2 3. Runner Runner 4. Prisoners 9. Pulling Strings 5. Rush 10. Enough Said

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

M S W O N

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) You’re almost too hot to handle this week, Aries. While we’d never suggest that you tone it down, do take a temperature check before you come in guns a-blazing. Some people will need to be warmed up before they can appreciate your firepower. Relationships take precedence after Saturday as the Libra sun evokes a month-long phase of commitments. Could the zodiac’s indie spirit be ready to settle down? Seems that way. TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Long-distance connections heat up this week so expand your search radius. Look for opportunities in other ZIP codes, even country codes. This weekend, you’ll be inspired to embrace a healthy lifestyle again as the sun moves into your wellbeing zone for a month. Less whisky, more green juice and socializing may center around exercise classes instead of rooftop bars.

GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) There’s no such thing as a shortcut, Gemini, and taking them this week could wreak havoc on your reputation. Be patient with the process instead of rushing to score results. Don’t let people sell you on any such ideas either. Anything that seems too good to be true probably is.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)

Relax, relate, release. This week is all about excising clutter, toxic relationships, and general excess from your universe. On Sunday, el sol blazes into Libra for 30 days, igniting your 2013 birth month. You’ll be ready to make a clean break and a fresh start, sans baggage. Forgiveness brings peace of mind. If there’s still hope in healthy-but-strained relationships, make amends instead of holding a grudge.

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)

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LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Lavish yourself with love, Leo, as planets command you to care for thyself. Cash in on those spa Groupons before they expire, set up medical and dental checkups (or get that health insurance plan handled if you don’t have coverage), take copious yoga classes, and fill your fridge with organic produce. You always do best when you’re working the buddy system. This weekend, pinpoint a friend who is on a similar wellness mission and set up regular check-ins and support calls. VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) It’s a hands-on week for you, Virgo, and you’ll want to keep control over every aspect of your life. (So, what else isn’t new?). This is the last week that the sun will blaze through your sign until August ‘14 so carpe diem. Promote your talents, take the initiative in relationships, and get your ideas out to the world. Err on the side of bragging instead of receding into the background. Better to be too much than passed over.

HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

Make efforts to be neighborly this week, whether you’re removing your Céline lunettes to make eye contact with the person in the adjacent apartment or going beyond weather talk with your cubicle mate. Giving an inch doesn’t mean they will take a mile; you’ll still have your privacy but you’ll also enjoy the benefits of creating a supportive community.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) Are you living beyond your means, Sagittarius, or nearing that predicament? Retool your budget this week so that your “disposable income” category doesn’t mean throwing money down the drain. You might even sell a few unused objects online to pad your pockets. Start

CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) A socializing spree could reveal someone with true BFF status. Truth be told, you could use a new kindred spirit — someone who shares your idea of a good time. Your interests have evolved, after all, and while you adore you old friends, they can’t necessarily jibe with this aspect of you. Family matters come to the fore on Sunday when the sun moves into Libra for a month. A trip back home may be in the cards, to bond with your peeps and get centered.

CLUBS AND PUBS continued

sub-accounts to save up for the Chloé bag, the Room & Board sofa, or the yoga retreat in Bali. Delayed gratification builds character.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) You’re large and in charge this week, Capricorn, but are you ruling with too much of an iron fist? You don’t

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN

Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade 10/11 5’O Clock Somewhere 10/12 Da Dawgs/ Alias Guitar Dogs

WIND GAP

Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000

have to strong-arm people into doing your bidding. If people are resistant to your plan, check in. Perhaps they have some useful feedback and worthwhile ideas to incorporate. Leave room for discussion without going to the opposite extreme and letting go of the wheel.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) Turn on your “cray-dar,” Aquarius. While you love an eccentric individual, this week you could magnetize people who are truly off their rockers. What makes their

READING

Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON

The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke

Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik 10/12 Breast Cancer Benefit 10/19 Nick Cerniglia 10/26 Halloween Bash w/ Emily’s Toybox

MACUNGIE

The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 10/19 The Odd Sons 10/26 From The Wreckage

OREFIELD

Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 10/11 Countdown to Ecstasy 10/12 Daniela Cotton 10/13 21st Troubadors Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 10/12 Jay Caniveau 10/18 Keith Garner

PENNSBURG

PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO

The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 11/7 Amateur Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 10/11 The Fustics 10/12 Trouble City Allstars 10/15 Chelsea Carlson

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

insanity so toxic? The way YOU suddenly wind up feeling responsible for all their issues and shortcomings. If you catch yourself over-functioning in a relationship, let it be a red flag. Pull back, STAT. If this person is meant to be in your life, s/he will understand and respect the boundaries you set.

PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You want in, Pisces, and you’re willing to do what it takes to get past those red velvet ropes. Your efforts will not be in vain, even if your pride has to be set to the side. Humble thyself in the name of paying your dues. Your place in this elite circle is practically guaranteed.

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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400 Illicks Mill Rd • Bethlehem (610) 625-0060 www.starters-clubhouse.com

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013 Page 30

sexucation BIG BODIES

That sexual attractiveness and health are related is an idea that is widespread among many Americans. If a man or a woman is attractive, they must be healthier, so the reasoning goes. Moreover, a person often sees the idea of “attractiveness” as a result, in part, from “good genes”— inheritable genes that jive well with overall health and attractiveness. But, according to research published a few years ago by the Kenny Luck American Psychological Association, this assumption is not true, at least in the case of men. To understand why is to understand the different aesthetic expectations that are placed on both men and women. Women, generally speaking, who are considered the most attractive, have a low Body Mass Index (BMI) within a normal range (18- 24), proportionate faces, and low height-to-weight ratios. In other words, they are, simply put, thin. An attractive man, on the other hand, has a classic “V-shape,” with muscle and body fat deposited on the upper half of his body. By most health standards, this irregular body mass distribution in men is not considered healthy. Because this specific trait is not expected of women, and “thinness” is, attractive women are considered healthier, whereas attractive men, who possess the abovementioned physical attributes, are not. The only physical cue that predicts both health and beauty, according to this social science research, is waist-to-hip ratios and weight in women. So, if a bulky, muscular man-body is—in the long run—not healthy, than what sort of body is? “If the healthiest male bodies were most attractive,” the authors of the study write, “men who are thin (low in fat and muscle) would be considered the most attractive.” In other words, thin women and thin men, ideally, would be considered most attractive because both would possess the sex-specific hormonal markers, proper proportions, healthy BMIs, and other objective measures that constitute good health. Media content in the form of fashion magazines, broadcast news and entertainment, movies and television all reinforce aesthetic stereotypes for both men and women, and, although the expectations set on women are particularly disturbing, they are no less virtuous for men, either—a problem with less attention and awareness given to it. In fact, similar research has revealed that steroid use among adolescent boys occurs at the same proportion as bulimia and anorexia in adolescent girls (although bulimia and anorexia do affect men, too). Translation: body image stereotypes, whether it be for overly thin women or big bulky men, are absorbed by the population and can cause harm. In the case of men, the image of a big muscular body may bode well for shirtless days on the beach, but, over time, carrying around lots of weight isn’t good. Finally the solution, I propose, for being both sexy and healthy, is for men to stick to a clean diet with lots of cardio and some resistance training. The process will produce lean, mean bodies, male bodies that are both desirable to a potential partner and healthy, too.

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

MUSIC

Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com

EMPLOYMENT

Seeking Interns Drummer Wanted We are seeking motivated We are looking for drums to complete a 4 piece rock act. We interns, seeking college credit email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462

PLACE YOUR AD TODAY!

Hotel Housekeeping (Comfort Inn Quakertown) now accepting applications for the position of Room Attendant. Trumpet / Bugler Needed is. Weekends are mandatory. No To perform 140 Military funerals calls please. Reply with resume per year. Primarily between or employment applications are Reading and Allentown. available and being accepted at 609-504-9450 hotel front desk 24 hours a day.

Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253

EMPLOYMENT

REAL ESTATE

Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com

Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300

AUTOMOTIVE

1999 Honda Civic EX System Included / Clean Title $3,200.00 OBO / Call Or Text 484-268-6400

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

//CLASSIFIEDS

The Valley Beat

2003 Ram 1500 V8 SLT Crew cab short bed 5.9 v8 4x4. Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent It’s fully loaded It has 20 inch RESTAURANT Weekly or Monthly. Cable wheels please call or text 610-653-0453 Utilities and wifi included. BARTENDER Single & Double Occupancy. Roosevelt’s 21st is looking to $80/week and up. hire experienced bartenders. Clean Private. 610-282-8010 1328 West Tilghman St, Allentown, PA 21 East Elizabeth Ave, Bethlehem, PA Send resume or apply in person at either location.

THE GREATER LEHIGH VALLEY MUSIC ASSOCIATION (GLVMA) ® PROUDLY PRESENTS

THE LEHIGH VALLEY BEATLES SHOWCASE III℠ ‘A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LEHIGH VALLEY MUSICIANS PERFORMING THE MUSIC OF THE BEATLES’ SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2013. SHOW TIME 3-7 p.m. DOORS OPEN 2 p.m. FEATURING PERFORMANCES BY:

THE LOU FRANCO PROJECT- BILLY PATRICK-THE LARGE FLOWERHEADS-JIMI LEARY THE JAMES SUPRA BLUES BAND-JOHN CARELLI- THE LITTLE WINGS THE AARDVARKS-THE TODD WOLFE BAND-THE LESSON CENTER THE CRAIG THATCHER BAND-NYKE VAN WYKE-ANDREW KANAS SARAH AYERS-ALLIE SANTOS- CONNIE EDINGER-JOHN HARKINS-HENRY CALLIE MC’S-RICK MICHAELS- A.J. FRITZ- LOLY REYNOLDS-BARRY HAY GET YOUR DANCING SHOES ON FOR A HOT DANCE PARTY LAST HALF HOUR OF SHOW END OF SHOW JAM & SING-A-LONG – SPECIAL CONTEST FOR PRIZE GIVAWAYS LOWER LEVEL RESERVED TABLE SEATING & BAR SEATING $24 IN ADVANCE - $29 AT THE DOOR V.I.P. BALCONY TABLE & BAR SEATING $30 - $35 AT THE DOOR

“A SPLENDID TIME IS GUARANTEED FOR ALL”

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PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT LOCAL MUSIC SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAMS BENFICIARYS WI LL BE PRESENTED SCHOLARSHIP AWARDS DURING THE SHOW

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

PAGE 35

It was the tree As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ...” The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam ... I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.” Its all in the name A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

Thankful Sons Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.” Carols For the Psycho Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why Page 36

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, JinBell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,

CHECK OUT OUR HOT WEBSITE GO TO THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

JOKES

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

SHEILAH RENNINGER

PHOTOS BY: Dennis Wojtowicz • ImagZen • Jose Pena • Tarik Photography

THE VALLEY BEAT OCTOBER 9, 2013

MODEL BEAT

Age: 42 Reading, PA What do you do to make $$? Make-up Artist, Print & Promotional Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Single. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FaceBook or Contact My Agents: Mickey@Donatelli Models.com or Randy@DonatelliModels.Com Where was your best vacation destination? Maui, Hawaii. What do you do to relax? Take A Bubble Bath. What sports do you watch the most? Tennis. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Wine. What happens to be your worst vice? Shopping. What is your best feature? My Legs. What TV show do you never miss each week? Real Housewives. What movie would you recommend to our readers? Silver Linings Playbook. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Walk the Camino De Santiago. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? I beat Breast Cancer. What do you sleep in? Boxers and a t-shirt. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through mu mind all day? What do you want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Don’t try to figure us out, go with the flow.

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Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com

GREAT ENTERTAINMENT... IT’S CLOSER THAN YOU THINK

barenaKeD laDieS

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DOwNLOAD OUR NEw APP!

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NOVEMBER 11