Cup of Tea with Moishe Kellman

Kellman

AGE: 36

FAMILY: Married with four children aged 6–13

LOCATION: Airmont (Monsey area)

OCCUPATION: Physical Therapist, plus more

PASSION: Bringing joy to children by providing them with a safe space to be their true selves

HE WISHES PEOPLE WOULD KNOW: The benefits of rough-and-tumble play with their children.

Facilitated by Bayla Brooks

YYoung Moishe’le looked over his left shoulder, and then his right. Perfect, Rebbi had already gone back inside the building. Moishe lifted the lock on the wide iron school gate, and just like that, he was free. Free of strict rules, uncomfortable chairs, and long lessons. Free to run up the block and around the corner to Bubby’s house. Panting, Moishe gave a quick knock and let himself into her cozy abode. Warm babka and iced tea were set out on the table, while Bubby sat there smiling, waiting for her prized grandson.

“Ever since I can remember, I wanted to change the way children experienced school,” physical therapist Moishe Kellman shares. He remembers sneaking out of cheder to his grandmother’s house and experiencing her joy and love, and then reluctantly going back to school, which felt like prison to him. Back in the day, young Moishe felt that something was wrong with the way boys were forced to conform to one standardized method of education. He dreamed of a school that would share his vision, with lots of sports and extracurricular activities. Deep down, Moishe knew he wanted to bring about this change. And in some sense, in his work as a Floortime specialist, he has. Meet Mr. Moishe Kellman, the man who tossed his college degree in a feverish quest to help children experience the joy that is uniquely theirs.

Moishe’s training began in manual physical therapy. After graduating college, he was accepted to Thrive Integrated Physical Therapy in Manhattan—a high-profile pain clinic—for his internship. There, Moishe received a full train- ing in manual interventions for treating orthopedic problems like back pain and injuries. Manual physical therapy is where the therapist will apply pressure with his own hands on the client in a trained method to heal injuries. At Thrive, Moishe learned the most advanced techniques and was exposed to high-quality therapy. He treated famous political and business personalities as well as Broadway celebrities.

“It’s a chicken market in the typical outpatient clinic where they accept with insurance. I saw what it means for patients to pay out of pocket and receive top-quality care,” Moishe says. At that point, he was ready to start out on his own. Moishe applied for and was accepted at a job in an outpatient adult center. Just days before his start date, he received a call that the job was no longer available. The wheels were beginning to turn in a very determined direction. Apparently, Moishe was not destined to relieve adults of their physical pain. He would soon learn that he was to work in a far deeper and more satisfying environment.

New Set of Plans

At the time, Moishe’s wife was working as the placement coordinator at an early intervention center. A new physical therapist had run into an issue with his green card and was headed back for India. “Would you be interested in taking the open position?” his wife asked. Sure enough, Moishe was soon employed as the pediatric PT at the center.

“I didn’t know anything about working with kids at that point. I learned from the other staff and incorporated my knowledge from the clinic to help the children. This was my destiny. Baruch Hashem, I have a gift in being able to connect and just be with children.” With time, Moishe developed strategies and tricks for how to work with the kids. He gave the children a great time and was always sure to end the session with something fun, such as zip lining, colorful twister games, swings, and a ball pit.

After about two years, Moishe began to feel bored and burned out. “I didn’t know what I was seeking back then.

I knew how to work the body, but I yearned to involve the emotional realm on some level too. There is so much more to a human being than his muscle activity. It’s not just about the jumping jacks.” Yes, the children learned to throw a ball, color dots in the proper spots, and be more coordinated. But it was too dry a goal for Moishe’s big heart.

While working at the center, Moishe worked part-time hours at a Cheder in Williamsburg, too. He recalls his work with an eight-year-old named Shaya: “Stairs were very difficult for Shaya considering his low muscle tone, among other physical issues. We worked together using ankle weights. Kids hate those; it’s so hard for them. I remember standing near the stairs with him.

“Suddenly, I turned to him and asked, ‘Shaya, what do you want to do?’”

Shaya answered, “I just want to hang around the stairs with you and do puzzles.” Fascinating. All the child want- ed was to be—and be seen. At that moment, it dawned on the long-time physical therapist that these kids are already struggling with so much, and on top of that are being forced to physically push themselves incredibly hard.

Moishe then took to talking more with the kids he worked with and building a strong relationship with them. In him, the children found a warm heart and a relaxed adult who was ready to spend time with them. They couldn’t get enough of it.

“I tried to tie in that feeling from my grandmother’s house and recreate it for these suffering children right in the cheder hallway,” Moishe asserts. It was time to change tracks.

New Vistas

A good friend and now fellow Floortime therapist, Mendy Klein, was the catalyst for Moishe’s change. “Floortime training will help you deepen your relationship-based work as well as understand a child’s emotional development,” Mendy offered. So, it was. Moishe went for the full training with the International Council of Development and Learning (ICDL). From the choice of three companies to train with, each a little different, he went for the best.

Moishe’s supervisor and trainer throughout the course was an incredible dedicated Floortime therapist who gave over the depth and strategies of the approach in a most compassionate and open way. As part of the course, Moishe was expected to take videos of himself practicing the techniques. Then, he and his supervisor would watch and reflect, with the supervisor modeling the safe way to create a healthy space for an individual to grow, learn, and change.

“We all have our own blind spots. Professional feedback from my supervisor was very valuable in my training,” Moishe offers. Eventually, upon his supervisor’s recommendation, he went on to become a training leader, and he now gives classes and courses to other therapists as well as to parents. Down the line, Moishe opened a practice in Monsey with his friends Chaim Greenberg and Mendy Klein.

What is the concept behind Floortime therapy? “Just be with the children,” Moishe says simply. “They love to play in the moment, and they want you to join them. I will find the child at their level and support them there.”

The founder of Floortime therapy, Stanley Greenspan, categorized children’s develop- ment into levels. As newborns, they are pure sensory beings. The mother is attuned to when the baby needs to be rocked, held, or fed. Slowly the baby starts making eye contact and engaging with others. Then the infant learns the ability to communicate, and eventually to express needs, problem-solve, pretend play, and demonstrate abstract thinking.

Many children skip or struggle with certain levels of development. It is up to the Floortime therapist to figure out which stage the child is at, come down to that stage, and support the child right there. This assists the child with eventually moving up the emotional and developmental ladder.

Let’s Get on the Floor

“As adults, many of us have forgotten how to play. By default, we go into teaching, questioning mode, or taking the lead. A child is not at those stages and is not interested in them. They want to have pillow fights; they want someone to be with them in the moment! A child I once worked with was obsessed with building a huge house and stuffing objects into it. It made no sense. But instead of asking him, ‘Why are you filling up the house?’ I got down on the floor and said, ‘I’ll help you.’ Then the mother got involved, too. We were all filling the house with toys and then shlepping a big, heavy house around the room. We followed him as opposed to judging.”

One of the main ingredients in connecting with the child is “affect.” Affect is when the therapist uses facial gesture, different intensities in their vocal tone, movements, and words to “woo” the child into a shared world. “The beauty of Floortime is that no equipment is necessary. The provider becomes the most interesting thing in the room.” This helps the children settle down to play, and is especially effective with kids on the spectrum.

“I like to say that we are all on the spectrum,” Moishe laughs. “Can anyone define where it starts and where it ends?” He refers to children diagnosed with autism as children who are “neurologically different,” thereby lowering the barrier in judgment toward them. There is no diagnosis in the way, labeling and boxing such children in; it’s all about acceptance. This allows Moishe to find their strengths, focus on what causes them joy, and reach a deeper relationship.

“Try not to come in with goals. Be present in the moment. Follow the child’s lead in a shared world of play together.” Are there goals? Yes and no. Sometimes in the moment, there is an opportunity to model a new behavior or work on a specific skill. The main idea is to support the child where he is at. This will help the child regulate more effectively in all areas, increase his attention span, and strengthen him at the core.

“Parents need their own space to talk about their desires and expectations for their children. Many times, a parent’s goal is not always in line with the child’s capabilities. Sometimes the parent has their own childhood trauma to work through. I’m here to validate the parents, but that doesn’t mean we need to work on the goal that he or she sets out. My goal is to just be with the child, to give the child a voice. Sometimes I see parents demanding so much of their children. I wish I can tell them that there’s another way.”

Support Them Where They Are

Some children have a hard time figuring out a problem and then finding solutions. Using affect, you can support a child’s regulation, connection with others, communication, and problem-solving skills. Moishe will highlight the concept of such exchanges while playing. “Let the child figure out as much as he can, then take over. If the child wants to play piano but can’t find the electrical outlet, repeat the problem back to him. Be with him at his level of development versus fixing the problem for him.”

One of Moishe’s clients, Dovid, was a tall, broad 12-yearold child. He was not in a mainstream school and struggled to connect with others. The one tool Dovid used quite often was a friendly high-five. When working with Dovid, Moishe highlighted the high-fives by positioning himself at different heights and levels, thus bringing pure joy to Dovid. He tried introducing a fist pump to Dovid, which proved too difficult for him. Eventually, through lots of rough-and-tumble play and using movement as a form of communication, Dovid branched out to a handshake with a sweet, “Hi, how are you?”

Movement is a big player in Floortime therapy. Moishe will keep the session exciting by running around the room, providing a rhythm to the fun. This keeps the kids laughing—and ultimately connecting with him. Anticipation and unpredictability are useful, too. Stop throwing that ball, wait ten seconds, and keep the child’s joy running high.

“The child learns that this amusing yet trustworthy adult is willing to act silly, dress up, and be with him where he’s at. This helps the child develop from where they’re at and reach further milestones. Very often, the play makes no sense. Children don’t know why or are unable to give reasons for what they do, and I give them access to the full range of feelings and ability to express themselves.”

Many children struggle with emotional regulation. “A child can be struggling at a lower level of development, even when he’s doing well in school. Boys instinctually resort to more aggressive play behaviors, like police and jail, king and servant, and hitting. Still, we can introduce feelings of love, affection, patience, tolerance, and caring to others. When we give the child a safe environment, we can explore aggression with him. We can gradually introduce other feelings, model the hurt feeling, and allow the child to experience it, too. Eventually, we try to guide him to another topic and see if he’ll take to it.”

When a child is constantly being physically aggressive with others, Moishe notes, the most effective intervention is to be compassionate to both children involved. Try to understand the perpetrator. Did he want something? What was he frustrated about? Model to the child to use words instead of hands and separate impulse from action, so they don’t have to jump to action too quickly.

A note of caution, Moishe points out, is not to ignore children’s behavior or to enforce compliance via robotic repetition. Unfortunately, he notes, certain practitioners who want good behavior from the child will make them adapt to it by rote so the child will be socially accepted. He cautions, “This is one of the traumas of our generation, and it must be avoided at all costs. Children need to be their natural selves, with all their charm and weaknesses accepted right where they are. Ignoring the child’s preference is the opposite of being with them. Thankfully, there is no such concept in Floortime. Every action on the child’s part is meaningful and full of opportunity.”

Taking It Home

As someone who sees kids and their needs on a daily basis, Moishe has an important message for parents.

“Fathers,” he says, and pauses for emphasis. “You can never underestimate the power of a father just being and playing with the child. Let the child hold onto you. Be with him or her. Give her piggy-back rides. Offer your love and never push the child away.” One of the saddest things, he says, is when a father rebuffs a child request for shared play. “If this happens often,” he cautions, “A very critical component is missing from the child’s life. Many times, the parent has his or her own inner work to do before being ready to embark on this relationship.”

Moishe suggests that the parent sits on the floor with their child and plays with them for as many minutes as they can tolerate. Most mothers have this ability by nature, and it’s often harder for the father.

“Our community is incredible. In general, I meet up with parents who are so focused, present, and in tune with their child’s needs. I see so much achdus, as everyone is trying to help each other succeed, offering referral to friends that may be helpful.”

Throughout his journey, Moishe has learned a lot about self-awareness, being more regulated and taking breaks. “Everyone has their own way to regulate—be it exercise, art, walking, writing, or meditation. Do the activities that fill you up, allowing you to be as present as possible for yourself and your children.”

Floortime, Moishe reflects gratefully, has taught him how to not only play with his own children, but also to develop more awareness of himself. Before he was introduced to this intervention and approach, for example, he would often give his kids a time-out as soon as they misbehaved. Today, he wonders: Was the time-out to give the child a break, or to give himself a break?

“The difference between nowadays and then is that I now understand the concept of co-regulation,” Moishe explains. “I’ve learned how to keep myself grounded and calm when I’m with someone else, such as with my child, so that I can then support the other person with their own regulation. So, when I feel the inclination to punish or reprimand a child, I can recognize the familiar feeling arising within. I now know that I may be the one who needs to step away from the situation or find a way to regulate myself, rather than exacerbating the situation.”

Moishe maintains that learning Floortime is a journey. “It’s not something you can learn in two months. But if you go for the training, you become a changed person. You’re able to be present and conscious of the here and now, offering a more focused, peaceful reality. I love that my job brings so much joy to the kids I work with. Which child doesn’t want to be let out of class to have some wholesome fun? I’m grateful to be able to offer children the joyful experiences they crave.”

Moishe Kellman can be contacted via Wellspring.