Issue 15, Volume 121 by The Xaverian

THE

VOLUME 121 ISSUE 14 MAR 14 2013

XAVERIAN

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KISSING THE IRISH SINCE 1895

NEWS

XAVERIAN WEEKLY

Thursday Mar 29 2012

Volume 120 Issue 20

EDITORIAL STAFF

Thursday Thursday,March March26th 21, 2012 2013 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Volume Issue 15 Sean McEvoy121 xw.eic@stfx.ca | (902) 870-9431

OUR STAFF

PRODUCT ION MANAGER Emma MacPherson EDITORS-IN-CHIEF xw.product@stfx.ca

Ron Jeremy

FRONT PAGE BRIEFS BABY HARLEM SHAKE TURNS TRAGIC

MANAGING EDITOR Peter North Joe T hibault xw.managing@stfx.ca | (902) 867-3732

viral video attempt ends in hospitalizations

COPY EDITOR Alexandra Adams ART PRODUCT IST IC COORDINATOR ION MANAGER xw.copy@stfx.ca

A Florida mother is in custody this morning after an idea to turn her one-year-old son’s birthday party into an internet sensation left seventeen babies in hospital. “There should be a warning on those types of videos” said neighbour Martha Turnbottom, 47. “Dancing isn’t for everyone. I’ve had a sore knee since a skiing accident in Aspen when I was fif-.” When asked for comment, Marie Harper, the mother, told the

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Fanny Jesus McToaster ART IST IC COORDINATOR Marie-Eve Pomerleau xw.photo@stfx.ca xw.product@stfx.ca xw.photo@stfx.ca NEWS EDITOR MARKET ART IST ICING COORDINATOR MANAGER Lewis Forward xw.news@stfx.ca Sean Fanny“Diddy” McToaster Combs

xw.managing@stfx.ca xw.photo@stfx.ca CULTURE EDITOR Kennedy Murphy xw.culture@stfx.ca BUSINESS MARKET ING MANAGER MANAGER

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CULTURE EDITOR

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James Big 111D, L Marshall Hendrix Rm. Bloomfield Centre PO Box 924 xw.culture@stfx.ca St Francis Xavier University Antigonish NS, B2G 2X1 DIST RACT IONS EDITOR

The Xaverian Beyonce Oprah WinfreyWeekly is the official student newspaper of St Francis Xavier xw.distract@stfx.ca University. The Xaverian Weekly is published on Thursdays by the Xaverian Weekly Board and is SPORTSPublications & HEALT H EDITOR editorially autonomous. Joe Jared Montana “Subway” Fogel xw.sports@stfx.ca The Xaverian Weekly is a proud member of the Canadian University Press, North America’s largest cooperative of student SENIOR REPORT ERS newspapers. Campus Plus is the Xaverian Clark Peter Kent Parker Weekly’s national advertising agency. Peter Clark Parker Kent

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Xaverian that she “thought it would be cute,” and said she had planned to upload the video onto Facebook, and “tag my boyfriend in it.” “Any shaking needs to be done in a safe and prepared manner,” said Pediatric Surgeon Dr. Albert Hammond, Jr. “Shaking like you ‘just don’t care’ is what causes tragedies like this. You must always take care when shaking any person under the age of eighteen months.” Young Jamie Harper recovering in hospital

LOCAL STUDENT ARRESTED FOR “DRAWING DICKS” “It Was too real” say students, faculty Psych Major Matthew Peters, 18, was taken into custody Wednesday morning after reports surfaced that he had sketched an anatomically correct penis on Eric Allan’s Econ notebook when he left

the classroom Tuesday afternoon. “When you draw a dick, it’s funny if its two circles and a little funny bulge,” said Allan, “but when you come back from using the water

fountain and a friend has corrupted your notebook, you hate him for it.” Peters told police that “he didn’t think he’d take it that far,” and that he “just got carried away.”

THIRD-YEAR BIOLOGY MAJOR CONFUSED BY FOOTBALL PLAYER’S HANDSHAKE Student left shaken by handshake gone wrong When quarterback Clay Masikewich walked towards him, Brent Burns wasn’t concerned. “I thought he was just a friend, approaching me. If I had known what he was going to do, I think I would have just ran.” According to Burns and several witnesses, Masikewich approached him and instigated what Burns calls

“the handshake from hell.” “First we high fived, that was normal, even though the high five was a little crooked, like we were brothers or something. Then we were sliding back for what I thought was the ‘poundand-explode,’ but while I was pounding, suddenly he was snapping. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.”

Witness Sharla Fracaccino said that the scene “was like something out of a Dean Koontz novel.” “Poor Brent. I mean, he looked like a bit of a douche. When you don’t understand these guys’ handshake form…. you feel like you’ve been living under a rock. It’s terrifying.” Psycholog y professor Peter Henke offered a possible

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The editor-in-chief thethose section Opinions expressed areand solely of their aueditors reserve the right to refuse to thors and do not necessarily reflect the views of print submitted material and to edit The Xaverian Weekly or The Xaverian Weekly submissions for length and/or style. The Xaverian PublicationsWeekly Board. will not print material that is racist, misogynistic, sexist, All materials appearing in The Xaverian Weekly homophobic, or libellous. are copyright those of their creator(s) and may not

Contributors be used without permission.

Editors reserve the right to refuse to print submit-

JAMES ted materialMALLOV, and to edit submitted MAYSmaterial(s) CHAMI, for LAURA length/style.O’BRIEN, The Xaverian Weekly LIAMwill PROST, not print BREANNA material that is racist, MITCHELL misogynistic, sexist, homophobic, or libellous.

explanation for the phenomenon. “When groups like this spend extended periods of time together, they develop similar habits that can seem foreign to outsiders, yet appear completely normal within the group.” said Henke. Dr. Henke likened it to “the synchronization of menstruation in females.”

MINT TO ISSUE NEW BILLS FEATURING HARPER Harper told mint workers to do it or “get the hell out”

submissions

The Xaverian Weekly welcomes submissions of articles, letters, photos, Room 111D, Bloomfield Centre and graphics. Submissions must be PO Box 924 received by Friday 5 pm the week prior to Submissions St.publication. Francis Xavier University should be sent to xw.eic@stfx.ca or to the relevant Antigonish, NS B2G 2X1 section editor.

“There’s this point where you draw the vein, and after that, you’re in for the long haul,” said Peters. “I understand his anger, it was so well drawn that by the end of it, I hated myself.”

“He told us he’d deport us,” said Ian Bennett, President of the Canadian Mint. “He sat in the middle of the floor, crossed his arms, and cried until we promised him the new twenty. It’s quite a shame, we had Nobel Prize winners, hockey legends, and prime ministers who people actually liked lined up.” The new twenty features Prime Minster Harper highfiving his daughter, Rachel. Harper issued a statement saying that his face “absofucking-lutely” had to go on the new bill.

“To foster growth, to create the high paying jobs Canadians want and need, and to fully realize our true economic potential, strong economic focus and bold actions, like this new twenty (which will be off the hook) are required,” adding, “the economy. Growth. Jobs. Stephen Harper.” Canadian Historian Mikhael Petrovic told the Xaverian that the bill is a “mile-long step towards the future.” “As a Canadian, I see the new bill, and think, ‘this is right.’ Canada needs

strong leaders whose faces are on bills while they’re in office, not five hundred years later when nobody even cares what John-A-Whoever did.” The bill, is set to enter circulation mid-to-late 2013.

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

NEWS

Rogue Pope Riley STEALS PAPAL RING, ABDICATES “I am the lord of the rings” proclaims riley, reportedly the real pope francis GUISEPPE EL DI LA ROMA DI CORLEONE | Rome Correspondent

Shocking news has come out of the Vatican today: newly named Pope Francis I (Jorge Mario Bergoglio) was in fact the second choice of the cardinals. Their first choice was Dr. Sean Riley, who also currently holds the presidency of St. Francis Xavier University in Antigonish, Canada. A statement from Vatican officials said this pious man was really only after one thing: the ring. The Ring of the Fisherman has been worn by popes ever since the 13th century, and each head of the Catholic Church has one made for them. It is widely considered to be the second most recog nized ring in the world. Dr. Riley, who is known as Father Xavier in some circles, made a dash after being g iven his ring. “It was incredible! I’ve never seen a man his age move so quickly, with such ag ility,” said Angelo Sodano, the current dean of the College of Cardinals. “He looked like a much younger man, much younger.” According to reports, Dr. Riley eluded the small army who had been brought there to protect them and used the element of surprise to his advantage. “I had him in a corner, I was on my own, pleading him to low-

er the golden candelabra he was wielding and explain himself,” recounted Roland de Courten, a 6’9” member of the Swiss Guard, “ but when I did so he delivered a swift kick to my g roin. I have never been so embarrassed, but he kicked with the force of an NFL punter.” While there are many theories behind Dr. Riley’s escape, there is none more likely, or frightening, than the one being analyzed by the CIA, INTERPOL , and Scotland Yard. They believe that he is after the coveted “Lord of the Rings” position, a man who wields the power of the most popular rings in the world. He already has StFX’s famed X-Ring, along with the Ring of the Fisherman and a ring from Oxford University. “He already has three,” said a terrified source, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s only a matter of time until he has ultimate power, or at least till he has amazing finger fashion. He is coming for any NFL player now who has a championship ring. They better watch their backs.” The patience shown by Dr. Riley in his pursuit of his last two rings is what has impressed most. He spent the better part of three decades working his way up the hierarchy of the College of Cardi-

Pope Riley gives his first and only mass at St. Peter’s Square nals, which everyone knows is all about who you know. What is even more astounding is that he did all this while earning the position of president of StFX, one he has held since 1996, in search of his second X-Ring. All this came after he got a ring from the University of Oxford, as well as his first ring. “My g uess would be, he goes with his X-Rings on his pinky and index, and rocks the Pope ring on his ring finger,” said phalange

bling expert and world renowned rapper T-Pain, “or at least that’s what I would do.” NFL quarterbacks Tom Brady and Ben Rothlesburger have reportedly gone into protective custody to shield themselves from the wrath of Dr. Riley. Upon hearing the news, former Pope Benedict XVI was quoted as saying, “He stole my idea! Why did you think I pulled all that stepping down bullshit?”

StFX TO GET NEW PAIR OF MASCOTS

AWKWARD HICKEY RESULTS IN SUSPENSION

“Nobody even knows what the current one is”

“I was more concerned with finding my pants” says student

DOUGIE CALHOUN | Sports Guy

DIANE TIT SNART | Casual Observer

“Honestly, we got him on sale,” said Athletics & Recreation Director Leo MacPherson on the current mascot, GoGo. “Nobody really knows what he is.” StFX is about to get a pair of new, revamped mascots who will be introduced in the 2013/14 season to replace GoGo. The two new costumes, giant inflatable Hugh Jackman and Dr. Riley dressed up poorly as Charles Xavier, were purchased online recently by the Athletics Department. “I figure we have

the coolest opportunity here,” said MacPherson. “Our teams are literally named after superhero mutants, and we should rock that.” First-year international student Mike Pertucket told the Xaverian that he thinks having mutants on-field will “give our teams a real good boost.” Third year Women and Gender studies student Steve Johnson could barely contain his excitement. “First we get that pizza bar at meal hall, now this. They should put these things in the brochure.”

When Sophomore Laura O’Briar woke up beside first-year student Pete Diglett, the last thought on her mind was an academic penalty. “I was more concerned with finding my pants,” said O’Briar. “I just wanted some meal hall brunch.” When O’Briar went to class that morning, her black-and-blue neckstill unknown to her- was on open display to her classmates, and unfortunately, to her professor. “It looked like someone with baby fists had punched her repeatedly in

COME WORK FOR US

JESUS + JAMES BROWN + Mr. ROGERS = JOURNALIST

the neck,” said Professor Manuel Aquino. “Normally I don’t care, but it seriously looked like she had the plague. I was concerned.” In the StFX constitution, Section 2, Provision III, any student caught on campus “in any state of postcoitus whatsoever, or performing a walk of shame, or in any state of undress, shall be suspended for no less than four (4) days of class.” According to StFX administration, O’Briar’s visible bitty-bruise met the criteria.

WE WILL SEDUCE YOU WITH OUR MINDS

NEWS

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

SEAN RILEY RETURNS FROM MORDOR “the ring is mine...it can totally start conversations with girls for you” says Riley BRENT BOMBADILL | Middle-Earth Correspondent

Sean Riley's year-long journey to the east has successfully ended, as a daring Wednesday afternoon eagle rescue escorted the exhausted Riley out of the path of oncoming lava flows, safely into Rivendell. When Riley awoke the next day, he was surrounded by friends and co-workers, who were glad to see him alive again. "I honestly never thought I'd see him again. When that mountain exploded, in my head I was like, 'oh, snap.'" said Aragorn, son of Arathorn. "I'm honestly just glad that this whole thing is over. Watching from afar it must like these battles and journeys are fast paced and awesome, but when you're actually the one in these

situations, ten and a half hours can seem like a lifetime." Gandalf the White, 987, congratulated Riley, but told the Xaverian "I only wish he had actually destroyed that fucking ring." "It must be because it's so shiny, men's minds cannot resist it's lure. I see hundreds of people in this town wearing similar rings, and I'm thinking 'don't you know you're under the influence of the Dark Lord,' but they just keep on wearing it like they're proud of where it came from. I rescued the guy on an eagle- per hour those are expensive- and only AFTER we get to Rivendell does he tell me that he's actually still wearing the One Ring." Riley's enduring companion

on the quest, Samwise Gamgee, fully supported Riley's decision- though initially he had doubts. "At first I told him to destroy it, and throw it in the fire.

I knew it would save hassle in the long run. On the eagle ride home, though, he explained to me that he was planning on going travelling next year, and

that The Ring is a great way to meet new people. I can respect that. It looks sick too." Riley's uncle, the former ring-bearer, talked about the difficulty of not wearing the ring. "I mean, you've put so much into it, it's impossible to just get rid of it. Sean's right, it is totally a great way to meet people who also have similar rings. I mean, I gave him that Ring, but then went and had a new one made. I figured it would be special if I passed mine down." "People think that being the Lord of the Rings means you have to be a bad guy," said Dr. Riley, "but if you use The Ring for good, it can totally start conversations with girls for you and stuff like that."

THE FOX GOES GOSPEL First Alternative University in Canada

“we’re giving ourselves to god” says sloat FATHER MILES BRYANT | On-Staff Preacher

As of Mar. 27th, God will have a new voice. CFXU, StFX's campus radio station, is eliminating all non-religious programming, and issuing a series of increasing fines to DJs who play non-religious material. Station Manager John Sloat told the Xaverian that the plan is part of CFXU's long-term goal of "sending all possible praise to Allah." "We've been playing the occasional gospel song, usually some old school soul or Neutral Milk-style modern Jesus-tunes, but as a team I decided that this is what's best. I met a rabbi in Israel last year, he taught me the value of dedication." StFX University Crow Caw fully supported the move. "Caw. Ca-Caaw caw Caw." CFXU Music Director Laura O'Brien sat down with the Xaverian. THE XAV: Are you looking forward to the change?

LAURA: Fun fact, this is my fourth interview today. THE XAV: …Interesting… So, the change. LAURA: I own one cat. One. THE XAV: That's great, me too. The station you work for is switching to all-religious programming, how does that affect your position? LAURA: At first I cried, and not in a good way. I briefly considered turning to Satanism. Music director/Satan worshipper was starting to sound like a good title. THE XAV: You seem to view it positively now, what changed? LAURA: I realized it hit something deep in my soul. I was converted. THE XAV: Praise Jesus. LAURA: Praise Jesus. The station will officially adopt its new name, The Holy Empire, at the start of the 2013/14 academic year.

A Shocking change of pace for StFX “We’re just going to care less” MAX POWER | Simple Contributor

Attention: StFX is turning into one of those open classroom, teach yourself schools, because it’s just easier this way. In my opinion, this is the best move the university could make. Fewer teachers, fewer classes, just a few more study rooms and some babysitters for the science labs and the school year will be back on track. This began as a temporary measure while the teachers were on strike, and the administration liked the idea so much it became shifted to a more permanent basis. Administration can continue doing whatever it is that they do (no one is really sure), make their full salaries and give students space to explore our intellectual capacities. Of course, we will need some supervision, so Dr. Riley will be overseeing any welding and all

stain glass adventures that will be going on in the art wing, but do not ask him anything about art history. His online course from Acadia has not gotten that far yet. Positions for gym supervisor, meditation specialist, and yoga instructor are all still up for grabs. Applications are open. With all the teachers gone, who better to hire as menial day supervisors than students? This is great. We will have students teaching other students about what they already know. Fabulous. Let’s make a list of what students already know coming to university: how to play video games, illegally download just about anything, how to survive on nothing but goldfish for a week, perhaps buy drugs, avoid hangovers, and last but not least how to troll Wikipedia for valid

sources. All of this will be necessary and needed later in life. We go to university to become prepared. I encourage all perspective students to watch the movie Accepted in preparation for coming to StFX. We have a similar vibe to our campus but, instead of palm trees and an outdoor pool, think more frozen tundra. But that does not mean we do not know how to have some great parties. Next year there are plans to extend frosh week to all upper-year students in addition to turning it into a ‘welcome frosh month’ as oppose to a week, because, you know, we are just happy you came. Maybe you can fill our residences this year. Our new school motto is StFX: you will leave here with some additional knowledge.

What Is Keith Publicover Doing Now? EX-VP ADJUSTs, sort of, TO LIFE OUTSIDE OF STFX COMMUNITY JUSTIN THYME | Spicy News Reporter

Good Ol’ KP. Remember him? Swell lad, a real gentleman through and through, the one you want right next to you while your walking through the Forbidden Forest looking for a dead unicorn (except not really – he probably killed that unicorn in the first place). Anyways, karma is a bitch, es-

pecially when in your past job have been the most evil administrator Middle Earth, I mean Nova Scotia, has ever seen. Reports have come trickling through the grape vine that KP has spent the last year attempting to start his own homemade jam and chutney business. Unfortunately, his delegation

and administrative skills have caused his major employee (i.e. himself) a series of unfixable setbacks and financial hemorrhaging (*cue violin in the background*). It always hurts more when it comes as a shock, right? Anyways, after that, word has it that Publicover has been spending his days trying his hand at stand-up comedy (part

of the suggestion from therapy to find his humanity, to learn how to connect honestly with people, or something like that) So far, there are several things that have connected – people’s fists with his jaw, bottles with the stage, etc. Needless to say, it really may not be his thing. I know it sounds like KP is having a warm time right now, but the truth is he actu-

ally seems quite content with life. He is very difficult to find (probably because certain undesirable characters are looking for him), but he’s also big into minding his own business, something he lacked a great deal of while working for the StFX administration. So really, here’s to KP for learning to butt out and carry on with life!

OPINIONS

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

Strike Baby Boom MANY STFX students expecting permanent mementos of the AUT strike CONNIE DOMINGO | Pregnant Lady

Do your roommate’s baggy sweaters have you thinking she’s taking the message of “Thrift Shop” a little too seriously? Were you caught off guard when that guy in your Am Lit started crying over Atticus Finch’s parenting skills during your “To Kill a Mockingbird” discussion group? Did that girl’s plate of pickles, Jell-O and mashed potatoes seem a little weirder than a typical meal hall fatigue dinner? Don’t worry, that weed you got from MacNeil wasn’t laced with anything. It seems the three-week break from classes wasn’t the only surprise some Xaverians received from the strike. According to records obtained by the Xaverian Weekly from the student health centre, it appears that approximately 200 pregnancies resulted from the 21-day strike. Assuming that all of the soon-to-be parents are students, how did almost 10% of the student population end up in the family way? “With classes cancelled for so long, we were getting asked for emergency condoms way more often than usual,” said that blonde RA in Lane B, who asked to remain anonymous. “The health centre ran out of condoms to give us, and ended up go-

ing through leftover frosh kits to meet the demand. I guess the expiry date really is more than just a suggestion,” added an impressively bearded MacDonald RA, who also asked not to be named. How does the administration feel about the number of buns in ovens on campus? As usual, they declined to comment. A source close to the administration told the Xaverian that plans have already been drafted to build another new residence for parents with children in time for September. “Ramsay Duff sees these babies as the future class of 2036,” said the source. “He plans to fund the building of the new residence by selling #strikelyfe onesies in the bookstore and has been talking to Sodexo about creating a kids’ menu.” As for the students that have found themselves up the duff ? “Everyone I’ve talked to seems really happy about it. Of course, the class action suit the pre-law students are filing against Trojan probably helps ease the shock a little bit,” said a third year philosophy major with blue hair. “My parents are just glad I spent the strike at home.”

The White Lotu Psychic Fair MacKay Room in the Bloom St. FX University th th April 27 & 28 , 2

Unique Wellness Products: • Tarot Card Readings • Natural Skin Care Products • Medicinal Herbs • Herbal Teas • Chakra & Meditation Supplies Store • Angel Cards Stree • Tarot Cards Glasg The university turns to corporate sponsorship to fund campus facelift • Fairies, Dragons, Angels 25 mnotore Phon The university administration has sity demographic and with the building for sponsors, soand we decided to bother. on every floor,” the SUB team leader come under fire for choosing to build two they would be sponsoring. The Viagra No one wants to live there anyway.” told the Xav. new (arguably unnecessary) residences Life Sciences Center felt like the perfect The SUB “It was a challenge to find “We’re so excited about the opportuni-695-‐ • Newly Arrived Rare instead of renovating the many buildings fit,” said McKenna. sponsors for the Student Union Build- ties this project has given the university,” on campus that have fallen into disrepair. The Annex “was one of the most in ing, since a lot of services call it home,” said McKenna. “We hope to continue Face and Cfinding rystals In order to placate the demands for a re- need of updating,” McKenna said. “We McKenna said. Stones “After a rather involved funds from outside sources as

StFX Sells Out SHAWN CARTER | Business/Rap Correspondent

vamped campus, the Board of Governors has come up with a somewhat controversial solution: corporate sponsorship. “The idea came up during the AUT strike when we were trying to modify the final projects for fourth year business students in order to ensure that they would meet the requirements necessary for graduation,” Dean of Business Schwartz McKenna told the Xaverian. “We realized that we could do something to help not only our students but the entire StFX community.” When asked about the particulars of the project, Dr McKenna offered a building by building breakdown. Nicholson Hall and Tower “Nicholson was the building students were most concerned about,” said McKenna. “The group who tackled the Nicholson project did a fantastic job. They contacted a few companies, but he most responsive was definitely Google.” The new Academic Googleplex will feature plenty of natural light and ergonomic seating for students. “In exchange for the sponsorship, StFX agreed to beta-test Google’s latest developments, so every room will have the most advanced technology available,” McKenna said. For the J. Bruce Brown Building, “we encouraged students to contact companies whose products fit with the univer-

were so happy when the Discovery Channel agreed to join the project.” The groups in charge of finding sponsors for the residences went in a slightly different direction than the groups in charge of academic buildings. “The residence groups definitely focused on companies who cater to university students,” McKenna revealed. Cameron Hall found funding with Axe, becoming the “Axe Dorm for Dirty Co-eds”. Lane Hall will become the “McDonalds Residence Complex”, comprised of “Ronald McDonald House” and “Hamburgler Hall”. Bishops Hall was sponsored by Staples, who plan to rename the house the “Staples Centre for Studious Students”. McKinnon Hall found two sponsors, each focusing on a particular house. Chillis’ renovation will be covered by Lululemon, with MacNeil’s revamp being covered by Trojan extrasmall Condoms. “We’ve already started to call McKinnon the ‘Tight and Bright House,’” mentioned a student involved in the project. When asked about the renovations to MSB, McKenna told the Xaverian, “We decided to skip the renovations to MSB, so as to not disturb the history of the building. Another student involved in the project said “We honestly kind of forgot about the Mount. By the time we remembered, it was too late to start looking

search, we found the perfect team.” The Proactiv-Redbull Student Centre, or the “Pro-Bull,” as the business students call it, will still house the clubs and services currently found in the SUB, with a few changes. “We’ve decided to change name of ‘theINN’ to ‘The Bullpen,’ and there will be a fully stocked Redbull machine

The W

other buildings on campus begin to age.” The university plans to begin renovations this summer, and hopes to finish by September. To keep up to date with the renovations as they happen, be sure to check out ww.xaverian.ca, brought to you by Adderall.

OPINIONS

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

Moe’s Gets Down Sodexo staff runs after hours rave in Morrison Hall STEFON | City Correspondent

If you’re looking for the perfect party spot, we’ve got the place for you. StFX’s hottest club is MorrisINN, run by those three Sodexo Ladies you always see smoking under the SUB. This place has everything: red and blue assholes, pitbulls that think they’re people, study desks for those people in Plessis who like to write lab reports to dubstep, KP taking song requests and then telling people to find their own music. It’s even got Pull-Out Profs - it’s that thing where students pay tuition and then their profs spend three weeks whining for more money instead of doing the job they were paid to do. The club is run out of the basement of Morrison Hall. “Getting in is really easy,” a source revealed. “You just go to the Take-3 counter and ask for a Take-4 with don sauce. Then, you get a five-dollar charge to your DCB and a password in your webmail an hour before the doors open.” MorrisINN usually opens around midnight,

but things don’t crazy until Dr. Riley shows up with his karaoke machine and Dr. MacGill-

vray starts singing “Say My Name.” Drinks are usually well priced, unless Nick Head-Peterson tends bar. He lets Student Union reps drink for free but charges everyone else double to make sure the accounts balance at the end of the night.

Edward Langille usually makes an appearance, though it’s best to avoid him, since he just complains that the discotheques are better in Paris and then starts talking about Voltaire’s favourite bar snacks. The festivities usually last until around 4 AM, but it’s usually best to leave when Ramsay Duff has one too

The club started up when Sodexo workers came up with the idea to use campus gossip to their advantage. “You’d be surprised what you hear in the stir-fry line. Students talking about how tame MacIssac is this year, and how sick they are of paying cover for poorly planned theme nights at the INN,” said the club’s manager. “We were looking for a way to make a little extra money since the admin cut our hours during the strike, and this seemed like

many and starts getting handsy with Chris Frazer.

The X-ring.

The Inn crowd

Maritime Universities jump on band wagon

Professors claim rights to campus’ beloved bar

AT TA LANTIC | Local Reporter

LONG DONG DILLINGER | Social Activist

The X-ring, not simply just a piece of precious metal, but a gold-platted bundle of symbolic significance. Such meaningful significance exists in a personal sense yet also on a universal level. To some, the main reason for acquiring this extravagant gem is to join a long family line of X-ring-bearing relatives. Others see it as a reward for four straining years of academia, while others see it as an entry ticket to the secret underground brotherhood of the X-alum club. On the universal level it is the third most recognized ring in the whole entire world. With a multitude of romanticized reasons for acquiring the X-ring, it acts as a persuasive treat to lure in fresh prospective university students during post-secondary school selection time. Bottom line: This piece of jewellery is a pretty big deal. The Xaverian Weekly is proud to be the first to officially announce that such pride derived from ring-acquisition is no longer exclusively reserved for such a small majority of the Canadian population. Starting in the 2014, The classic X-ring logo is being spread to our neighbouring Atlantic Canada universities.

With our same design there will soon be the A-Ring, the D-ring and the SMU-Ring. In Recent news, it was announced that Cameron’s would not be the main supplier of the X-ring. The real reason for the supplier change is to ensure our design can be easily duplicated and mass produced. This will be an innovating period in St.FX history. No longer do we support an independent local business to supply our original, custom-made piece, the need for a more established, corporate chain supplier was completely necessary. 2014 will be the beginning of a new point in St.FX history. We at the Xaverian are proud to spread our tradition to our neighbours, and we know you all will be too.

the perfect idea.” MorrisINN will be up and running until the end of classes. When asked whether the club nights would continue next year, MorrisINN’ manager said “It depends on how next year goes. We didn’t plan on these nights becoming as big a success as they are. If we feel that there’s still an audience for these nights, then we’ll consider it. Personally, I think it would be nice to end it this year, before it gets boring.”

As the dust from this year’s strike settles, students are only now beginning to realize the repercussions of the deal reached between faculty and administration. What seemed like an innocent resolution allowing students to return to class has turned out to be one of the biggest tools being used to suck the fun out of the StFX campus. Besides causing large cuts in funding areas, the deal signed has also forced the university to hand over some of its assets to the hands of faculty. The main asset that students are going to notice missing during the next academic year is the beloved Golden X Inn. Frustrated with the current distance to the present faculty lounge, professors demanded an upgrade. With little money for new spaces, after the building of the two new residences, Dr. Sean Riley was forced to hand over The Inn. “This was a worst case scenario,” lamented Dr. Riley. “They wanted open bar service, food, and a place to have ‘live performances’. There was only one place on campus that we could think to fill all of those criteria.” Now, students on campus will be forced to leave campus and attend the Split Crow and Piper’s Pub. “This is a great day for us,” said the

owner of Piper’s Pub. “Finally we’ve eliminated our toughest competition on campus.” All current Inn staff have now become subservient slaves to the professors who frequent the Inn and cannot leave due to contractual obligations. Another part of the new contract agreed upon, without Inn staff involvement, is that all current and future staff members are unable to strike. Peter McInnis, head negotiator for the StFX AUT, was very pleased with the university’s decision. “We work hard every day,” said McInnis. “Those students do nothing but laze around and drink all day and night. We are the ones who really deserve to have a place to ourselves.” Edward Langille informed that he would not enter into the professors’ new establishment. “A captain does not abandon his ship, a doctor does not abandon his patient, and a professor does not abandon his students,” iterated Langille. “I am going to follow my students wherever their drinking takes them. “ While the hopes of

students have been dashed, supreme commander of the S.S. StFX, Dr. Sean Riley, had these words to say: “Students, do not be afraid, and do not be scared. While there is tyranny afoot, it can be stopped. We must rise up and we must reclaim what is ours.” The StFX Students’ Union has also released an online video titled “We are not alcoholics”. The aim of this new campaign is to show that students at X are more than just drinkers, they’re also partiers too. A protest is being held next Wednesday outside of the SUB and hopes are high that at least five people with posters may show up.

OPINIONS

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

STFX PARTY RULES What you (DON’T) need to know before you get down and dirty this weekend CATHY CHAT TERSWORTH | Party Patroller

#1 The Nakey Rule If you have an awesome idea that is in any way connected to the fire alarm or property damage, do your community a favor and check if it would be comfortable to be outside naked when that alarm goes off (Remember! The best way to check is to streak the campus yourself). #2 The Contact Rule If you have the coordination to put in your contacts then you're not drunk enough. And if your sense of sight is making you question the necessity of visual aides it's time to start sleeping the night off (I recommend not falling asleep in doorways, but if you really need to lie down and can't locate a bed, a rug can do nicely in a pinch).

#5 The Tattoo Rule You'll probably regret it in the morning, but if you're helping someone else who isn't sober to pick a nice design, do them a favor and encourage them to get the tat somewhere personal; like underneath their clothing. #6 The Drink Rule Bring your own. Don't be the douche who always mooches. (If you don't drink then bring a cup of something PG like soda and avoid looking judgy and don't complain that you're bored – you're sober! Of course you’re bored!)

#3 The Music Rule Only blast music people can dance to (and have a chance of recognizing). It's great that you have music you like (almost like you have a personality in fact), but don't force your tastes on the rest of us. Also, Taylor Swift – never okay (think of all the poor boys recovering from breaking up with her and have mercy). #4 The Moving Rule The point is to have a PARTY, not parties. Pick a different host residence/ general area/street/etc every week (or every night), but don't compete on the same day or you'll dilute the epicness of each blow-out (and yes, I do copyright epicness as a word. I also claim hunkalicious). #7 The Christian Kane Rule Don't touch the women, but they can grab whatever they want to. 'Nuff said.

#8 The Host Rule Always toast the host. It's good practice for watching where all your consumer products are coming from and its unlikely you'll see them to thank in the crowd (Plus it’s a great ploy to get him/her to consume more alcohol and possibly make you more attractive). #9 The Keg Rule Don't start up a conversation in front of the booze/ ke g /fo o d /e t c . Something will end up spilling and you'll have to refer to rule ten.

#10 The Bawling Rule Assume that everyone at the party is there to have fun. If you start a fight than at least one person will cry (you, your girl, the other guy, his girl, the other girl, her guy, the other guy, his guy, the other girl, her girl, well you get the idea) and that means you defeated the purpose of the party so keep the violent stuff for your video games (aka in your head).

FEATURE

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

FEATURE

10 CULTURE

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

IT’s A LONG RIDE HOME Students given unpleasant surprise with new Maritime “bus” service MUT T RIMNEY | Van Man

Students heading home Easter weekend will be in for a shock when they show up at the SUB for their bus out of town and see that the coach bus they’re used to has been replaced with a fleet of what some are calling “rapist vans.” “Once we realized that half our drivers were at least somewhat creepy, this seemed like the reasonable next step,” Maritime Bus President Guy McCreeperson

told the Xav. “It would be irresponsible of us to continue representing ourselves as just your average bus company when we have this amazing way of setting ourselves apart.” The decision to switch from busses to rape vans was a financial move as well as a publicity move. “Do you know how much it costs to maintain a fleet of busses? For the amount of money it takes to maintain one bus for one year, you can buy 25 touchylooking vans and run them until they die. Then you can just buy more vans! There is always a creep willing to give up his van for the right price.” When asked what they thought about the Maritime Bus change, students had varying opinions. “As long as the driver sticks to his route and isn’t creepy, I guess I’m OK with it. I have heard that some drivers take detours to find their puppies, and as long

as we won’t be late I think it’s a great idea.” said first-year student Chastity Naive. Third year student Ned Consent has a much different view, “This is disgusting and wrong and disgusting,” he said. “I would boycott except the only thing worse than driving in a rape van is being stuck in Antigonish over breaks.” Fourth year religious studies major Dick Diddler is in full support of this change. “I am seriously considering applying to Maritime Bus Lines after gradua-

tion to pay off student loans. I’ve always loved vans like these, and to be paid to drive one would be a dream come true!” “We are optimistic that this change will be a positive one,” McCreeperson said. “Passengers in the test vans have been a little wary, but we’ve come up with a plan to sway the public in our favour. Our drivers will be giving free candy away to each ticket holder. Who doesn’t like free candy?”

Student Council gets the electric chair Council Chair implementing new rules that will deliver a shock to those who disobey EDGAR ALLEN | Poe-troller

After being ratified into her second year as Chair of the Students’ Union council, Mariah MacKeigan will be taking drastic measures to ensure that order is maintained during future meetings. After some executive and council members displayed some habits throughout the school year that were not up to her standards, MacKeigan will be personally replacing all chairs in council chambers with execution-style electric chairs over the summer break. "Unfortunately there was no money left in The U's budget for the chairs, so I dipped into my own personal savings account to make the purchase", says MacKeigan. "I had them shipped directly from Alcatraz. I feel like they will improve reliability greatly and cut back on all the problem's I've observed over the past year." The list of grievances is long according to MacKeigan, who provided the Xaverian with a lengthy list of over 500 items which she will no longer be tolerating at council. The list includes but is not limited to texting, sexting, snap chatting, tweeting, secret handshakes, whispering, laughing, fist bumping, consumption of bath salts, profanity, raising of hands, unnecessary facial

expressions, under-the-table masturbation, painting your nails, singing 'Thrift Shop' or any One Direction songs under your breath, ordering delivery from Kenny's, watching The Walking Dead or Glee on your Iphone, Ipad, or Ipod, leaning back, leaning

forward, calling First Class to make a liquor run for you, winking, blinking, speaking or breathing of any sort. "I will have order", affirmed MacKeigan. "But I do believe these rules are completely reasonable for all executive and councillors to follow. We're used to follow-

ing Robert's Rules of Order, but we're done with that now. Mariah's Rules of Order will completely revolutionize how this school is run. As soon as I catch any of the members of council breaking one of my rules, I'll flip the switch on them and the problem is solved." When asked if she was concerned about the possibility of killing off every member of next year's student government, MacKeigan replied, "Meh. Whatevs." Outgoing Students Union President Nick Head-Petersen was relieved to know he would not be subjected to next year's rules. "When I said before that Mariah would continue to raise the calibre of the chair's position to new levels, I had no idea this is what she had in mind", said Nick. "She's usually very kind, I guess she just has some a small obsession with electric currents." "However, despite the possibility of murder", he contin-

ued, " I will maintain an absolute neutral stance on this topic. There is no way I will be convinced one way or the other that this is a good or bad idea. I am neutral. Like Switzerland. I just love the Swiss." University President Dr.Sean Riley was in full support of the new rules.

"I believe these rules that Mariah is going instate will be amazing! I'm especially fond of the no snap chatting rule. I've gotten some nasty one's from Mary McGillivray and Ramsay Duff recently. Those were the worst five seconds of my life."

CULTURE

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

fill our holes StFX Admin begins talks on how to fill empty rooms in new residences SLY STONE | Covert Operative

As the completion of the new residences on campus nears, StFX’s high and mighty administration has been in frequent and long meetings discussing what plans are for two new multi-million dollar buildings packed full of empty rooms. Luckily, the Xaverian Weekly was able to eavesdrop on these meetings and get a glimpse as to what some of the ideas brought forward have been. Attending this very important meeting was VP Finance, Ramsey Duff, VP Academic, Mary MacGillivray, University President, Sean Riley, General Manager of Sodexo, Kevin Fraser, Student Union President, Nick Head-Petersen, and soonto-be president, Benjamin Gunn-Doerge. The ideas brought forward by this group were just as diverse as the group itself. The first person to speak was VP finance, Ramsey Duff. Bringing forth the upcoming events involving North Korea and threats of a nuclear holocaust, Duff presented that it would be in the universities best interest to turn the extra rooms into a nuclear fallout shelter. While these rooms would not provide protection for all students at X, Duff showed how all of the administration, along with the top students at X, would be able to fit safely within these rooms. “This,” Duff informed, “would eliminate the need to refit the gold dome with such a shelter.” A counter offer was then brought forward by the next in line for ultimate university supremacy, Mary MacGillivray. Having been on campus for many years, and having suffered many traumatic attacks herself, MacGillivray proposed that the new residence rooms should not be filled with students, but rather with StFX’s second largest nuisance, crows. “It’s

simple,” said MacGillivray. “We present the crows with cozy alternative living areas to keep them off the streets and make sure they live good, honest lives, hopefully leaving X students and faculty alone for good.”

new rooms be converted into Yan’s Palace, an asian food restaurant for students on campus. “We have starving students who have chosen their Messiah,” pleaded Fraser. “We must give the people what they want.”

While money and safety are big issues on campus, Kevin Fraser, brought forth that there is a more pressing issue: food. Currently, Morrison Hall has seen the fall in food quality, but the rise in a single star, Yan. Kevin Fraser has toted Yan as the almighty savior of StFX’s meal hall services and proposed that the

Hoping to build off the success of the new puppy rooms, current Student Union President Nick HeadPetersen decided to take a page out of the University of Toronto’s book and proposed that the new rooms be turned into orgy rooms. Understanding that puppies would never be enough to alleviate the amount

of stress placed on students, HeadPetersen brought forth the idea that sex would be a far more suitable tool. “People need to de-stress,” said Head-Petersen. “What better way than to be placed in a room with other strangers for an evening of anally awesome times?” Taking a more tame approach, up and comer Benjamin Gunn-Doerge presented that the rooms should be filled with small colorful balls and outfitted with foamy walls. The result would be halls of ball pits ready for students to just let loose and jump in. “Students just need fun,” said Gunn-Doerge. “It’s that simple.” As deliberation and confrontation reached a pinnacle, a steady and firm hand brought the meeting to silence. Out of the silence rose the voice of the supreme commander, Dr. Sean Riley. Understanding that liquor lane has proven to be a health hazard and students have had enough of walking long distances in the cold, Dr. Riley decided that the best course of action would be to sell the rooms out to the NSLC. “Students have had enough,” declared Riley. “It is time to provide the premiere undergraduate experience once again.” With talks set to resume over the summer months, the Xaverian Weekly is giddy with anticipation over what the university has in store for the now empty dorm rooms. “We just need to fill them with something,” said Dr. Riley after the meeting. “I mean, whoever brought us the numbers that said we needed more rooms really hurt us on this one.” With the loss of the Inn to university professors many students hope that a replacement will be open for next semester. Whatever is the final result, StFX students will be able to take full benefit of a new facility.

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

CROWS: “WE ARE YOUR OVERLORDS” CROWS ARE “THE EQUIVALENT OF A CONGO MILITIA” SAYS LUKEMAN DIJON SNISTESS | Crow Analyst

StFX University Crows issued an ultimatum to the residents of Antigonish: "Bow down, or be annihilated." In response, Mayor Carl Val Chisholm told the crows to "shut down that party or else I'm calling the cops." Dr. Ryan Lukeman, a StFX Mathematics professor who studies flight and behaviour patterns of birds, said that Tuesday's ultimatum was unsurprising. "Crows are territorial creatures. I'm astounded that they have tolerated us for this long. My team analyzed flight patterns in crows to

gauge aggression, hostility, and temperament. The Antigonish crows are the crow equivalent of a Congo militia." According to intelligence reports from That Lady Who Runs The Wheel, the crows have been massing for weeks. "I see them up there in their trees, plotting. I know they'll come. Some people will be unprepared. I've been planning for years. I installed electrified wire mesh nets on my roof with remote controlled capsules inside. When I trigger it, three pizzas worth of old crusts fall out. The crows wont be able to resist. My family will be safe." Town council candidate and small business owner Allan Armsworthy is the head of the Lawman's Shield Defense (LSD), an anti-crow militia which has been preparing to defend Antigonish for what Armsworthy calls "an inevitable onslaught." "Once these crows get a little LSD, they'll hit the ground like they didn't know what way the sky was. We're going to show them that LSD ain't good for crows." During the interview,

Armsworthy wore a batman costume, the official uniform of those involved with LSD. "I know crows ain't bats, but bats ain't crows and damn right a crow will know that." Armsworthy asked the Xaverian to note his intense, sombre gaze, which he did not change throughout the duration of the interview. The crows have been staging regular war games in the skies over Antigonish, with a nightly patrol march that can last anywhere between 30 minutes and 5 hours. "Caw," said the lead crow. "Caw." The crows have

CROW WAR TWEETS ORIGINAL

TRANSLATION

amassed a significant Twitter following, on Mar. 17 surpassing the half-million follower mark. The lead crow is responsible for managing Twitter feeds and Crow media relations, and has been outlining attack plans and identifying targets via twitter. The Xaverian's intelligence unit was able to obtain translations for the Tweets, which have been growing increasingly belligerent in past weeks. The exact date of attack remains unknown.

DISTRACTIONS

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

DIZZZZZZZZZZZZSTRACTIONS FRO’BRIEN |Formerly ADHD

Across 2. Brown or White? 5. Super-duo that aren’t so super (but have cool costumes) 10. Outgoing SU president 12. Peter Parker’s alter-ego 13. The Lion ____

Down 1. Our favourite former Student Experience public figure 3. Type of atmospheric phenomena/ strain of herb 4. Twitter signal 6. The nuns will make you cookies while you study here 7. 15th century Inca site located in the Andes 8. Mongolian Warlord 9. Sunday Morning Brunch 11. Doctor? Really?

March April Exams Midterms Tests Essays Proposals Thesis Studying Library

Professor Class Parties Drinking Pub Inn Bender Friends Goodbyes Packing

Sad Moving Travel Weather Sunny Spring Melting Puddles

DID YOU KNOW?

The Truest Facts There Ever Were -Goldfish Crackers are made from real fish. -The highest snowfall ever recorded in Antigonish was 10.7 metres. -Dandelions are a type of rose. -The colour green was once used as a scare tactic to train children into not picking their noses and eating their boogers. -Pants are illegal in Armenia. -It’s unnecessary to choose between being a cat person or a dog person because they are of the same species and only actually vary in size and fur. -The children’s television show Arthur has revealed that it secretly sent out hidden messages in its program to encourage kids to spend more time indoors due to concerns about the environment. These hidden messages were found most often in scenes set in the Elwood City library.

Un-Quotable Quotes “I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.” –Homer J. Simpson

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields

“Whenever I watch

“What’s Wal-mart? TV and see those poor Do they sell, like starving kids all over wall stuff?” the world, I can’t help –Paris Hilton but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey

SPORTS & HEALTH

Penis Monologues rises to the occasion BEYONCE | Queen

With the huge success of the Vagina Monologues recently in Antigonish, some anti-feminists have decided to put on an original production of their own, titled the Penis Monologues. While the Vagina Monologues is a production of individual monologues focused around the meaning of being a woman and ap-

preciation of the vagina, the Penis Monologues have taken a different approach. Due to no venue in Antigonish willing to support the event, the organizers of the Penis Monologues plan to perform the piece while storming down Main St., shouting at the top of their lungs, linked arms and letting nothing stand in their way. The group, who go by the name of the “He-Man Woman Haters” thought that the Vagina Monologues were sexist and unfair in excluding males from the production. While the woman cast of the Vagina Monologues featured black costumes with a red accent piece, the cast of the Penis Monologues have plans to

HIT THE TOWN Up-and-coming bars, clubs, and eateries in Antigonish! TIMOTHY MCGILLICUDDY | Awkward Tourist

Wheelz: Has the closing of Club Viva left a hole in your weekend activities? Well, now there is Wheelz! There’s lights, there’s club beats, there’s the ongoing, unrelinquished smell of shitty pizza wafting through the ceiling. The new nightclub above the famed Antigonish Pizza place The Wheel is the most bumping place in town. Students and locals alike can now spend their entire evening in one small building, drinking and eating the night away. All they need is a slot machine and there will be no need to go anywhere else. “I go there every night.” says Xaverian Editor-in-chief Sean McEvoy. Spenny’s: Tired of Kenny’s? Vivid hair salon has closed and made way for Spenny’s Pizza, offering a practically exact taste and exact same price as Kenny’s pizza. Will you be a Kenny or a Spenny? Now everyone has the opportunity to participate in the Kenny vs. Spenny pizza battle. Even the decor is the same. However, according to reports, Spenny’s has full plans to actually let

their patrons use the washroom, so they will have an advantage by scooping up the small-bladdered and drunk customer bases. “I can’t even tell the difference.” said a naïve frosh. MaryJana: If you’ve started noticing a suspicious smell during yoga class at the Asana yoga studio, it may be the sickly sweet smell of weed, wafting through the vents from the new Medical Marijuana Pharmacy, MaryJana. Oddly enough, this store is owned by two sisters, Mary and Jana, who consider themselves cannabis connoisseurs. The pharmacy boasts over 20 different strains of weed from all across North America as well as a few varieties from the Middle East. According to law, you need a prescription to buy from this drug nirvana, but rumour around town is there is a back door to the building that offers some under-thetable deals. Follow your nose to MaryJana and pick up some eye drops on your way home, because you’re set to have one hell of a high.

fully drape themselves in pale-pink cloth, similar to that of a cheap ghost costume. To embellish this costume choice, the men have cut a well-placed hole in each costume to showcase their appendage to the oncoming world. When advertising first began for this production, there was a dispute over the names of the monologues to be performed. When the playbill finally was released, the titles of these anticipated works began to excite everyone. There is “Me and My Dick”, “The Poon Pounder”, “Hot Rod”, “Please Mr. Penis Won’t You Please Stand Up”, “It’s Coming!” and the finale musical number “Sperm-tastic”. The original plan was for the entire show to ben a musical, but they quickly figured out that not one cast member can sing. The show will be trotting down Main St. baring all promptly after Sunday Mass on Mar. 24. Either keep an eye out or keep your head way, way, down.

THE BACK PAGE

The Xaverian Weekly | Volume 121 Issue 15

the back page: UNWANTED ADVICE decrease your sex life fast with these quick tips DR. PHIL ACCIO | Crow Analyst

Are you having trouble tingling the dangerous bits of your sexual partner? Are you a woman who needs a little push in the right direction to come on home? If you're having sexual frustrations or a difficult time pleasing your partner, take a look inside. Your inner sexual lady-beast is laying dormant, eager to unleash its wrath upon your man. Anger is the fuel of sex. Anger equals passion, and when you are mad, you are hot and frisky. If I were you, before sex, I’d dwell on all the things about your partner that make you the most angry. Dangerous driver? Think on it. Never goes on dates? Remember the lonely nights. Farting is an issue? Memory-smell them. If you can whip yourself up into a furious rage before you enter into the coitus-zone, you'll be at your physical peak. Adrenaline will be pumping. Cortisol will be coursing. Muscles will be strained and tense. Strange hormones that scientists don't know the names for will be flowing heavily through your genitals. Flex, roar, and yell. Throw a pillow at a wall. Remember how much you hate your lover. Once you're all good and filled with hate, start gently sponging off any moisture that may have accumulated in your genitals. Seriously. Moisture is the enemy of sex. A better lubricant? Gold Bond. Not only will it make things powdery smooth, it will also prevent inevitable future fungi and rashes. Another option is to blend six celery stalks with a pint of honey, and rub the sensual goo all over your body. Your lover will not be able to resist. Another route to sensual ecstasy is pure, unadulterated indifference. If you can reach a critical mass of hatred for your lover, your capacity for feeling will burst, and you will stop caring. There are few lovers who can match the prowess of an apathetic and emotionally blank sex machine. Also, you can utilize tools to your advantage. Sandpaper-massaging your partner's back in an exfoliating motion can release stored tension. There is scientific proof that burning sensation intensity is directly correlated with erection size, strength, and length. If sandpaper's abrasiveness isn't doing it, try rubbing Tiger Balm all over your vagina. You will feel the strength of the jungle. Once you have ripened yourself fat with mental agony, collected all the necessary tools, and lost all sense of warmth or compassion towards your partner, try giving them a hug. Release all the anger you held. Dangerous driver? That can be kind of exciting. Never go on dates? Because he's too busy making dinner for you. Farting? Everyone loves their own brand, and nothing is closer to your own than your lover's. Realize that all the pent up anger you stored will tear at your insides, and show you in blindingly brilliant moments what the value of your lover is, as you escape from the mental prison you constructed for yourself by listening to the advice in this article. Thanks for reading.

DIJON SNISTESS | Crow Analyst

All you foxy fellas and lusty lesbians out there, have you been wanting to make your girl scream? Wanted to make her toes curl, and see her face of awe as you do things to her that have never been done before? Do you want to give her an experience she’ll never forget? Here are some sexy, must-try tips to make you the most unforgettable lover of her life. For starters, lets talk about her erogenous zones, and no, I don’t mean the basic tits and pussy. If you’re going to rock her world, you need to think outside the box. Like her shins. Women to be touched on the shins because there’s practically no nerves on that area so she has to focus really hard on trying to make it feel good. Her forearm is a similar case, women secretly go wild if you rub their forearms down like you were petting a dog, it pushes all her arm hair around and sends tingles down her body and creates a self-conscious feeling that she’s too hairy. Nothing says getting laid like a vulnerable chick with nothing to lose! Keeping the vulnerability going, make it clear to your lady that you would rather her act and look like the opposite of what she is, so that she knows for the future that you like to switch it up. Is she blonde and short? Tell her you’re only attracted to tall brunettes. Is her major in HKin? Tell her that the only chicks you’re interested are in Aquatic Resources, no exception. But what matters most is when you tell her, the most effective time is right after you’ve come, but before she has. Leave her hanging on the edge of orgasm for your words to leave the biggest impression. Her frustrated face filled with contempt and anger will be so sexy! That being said, women like to get things done as fast as possible. Jackhammer her body for a good two minutes and your job should be done. Getting a girl off isn’t even that hard if you focus on your own pleasure first and work the bed with lightning speed. Don’t switch up the tempo, or the position, just go balls deep (literally or figuratively) in as little as time as possible and you will leave a quick but uneasily forgotten sexual experience. Have you ever thought how you will claim her as your own? Girls need to be properly trademarked as something that you’ve boned. You don’t want some other person moving in on your well-seduced lady. Besides, you spent all that time working her vulnerabilities and priming her to the unique sexual experience only you can offer her. To claim her as your own, cover her in hickeys as soon as she’s naked. Start as high to her face as you can, or even better try to mark her face as well. Nothing says “stay off, she’s mine” like a girl so spotted with hickeys that she could rival a leopard. Don’t forget about other parts of her body that are exposed on a regular basis, either. This is where the shins and forearms play a big role. Cover those in hickeys and not only will you turn her on, but you’ll make sure that no matter how much makeup your girl puts on her neck there’s always plenty more inexplainable hickeys elsewhere. While you’ve got your mouth sucking all over her body, be sure to bite her as well. Nothing will get a girl from sandpa-

per dry to damp towel wet faster than a big chomp on all her sensitive bits. Sure, she may scream and squeal, but consider those her cries of happiness because you know exactly what you’re doing. Following these tips will make you a

lover to remember and no one will question that fact you have gotten laid at least once. If you heed to the above suggestions, I can guarantee your kill count will reach the impressive of one. Turning on girls, that’s all there is to it.

Thursday, 21 March, 2013 | The Xaverian Weekly

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