This Is... Summer 2018 by thisismag

This Is...

Summer 2018 Edtion

The Story Of A Girl

DISCOVERING HER

SEXUALITY

MY SCARS, MY STORY the stories behind the

Your Sex Questions Answered Inside!

scars caused by self harm, anxiety, tumors + more.

Being Cheated On Versus Being The Other Woman FAD DIETS CUT THE SHIT Photo by Damien Robertson

The

Taboo Issue Read about making friends + ending friendships, loving your body regardless of the number on the scale, a Broken Engagement, Boob Jobs+ more!

WARNING: Content may not be suitable for those 17 and younger.

table of contents

02 06

14 16 18

Letter from the Editor

Real

Discovering my Sexuality My Scars, My Story

Vulnerable

He Broke Off Our Engagement

Love

The World

30 Wanderlust

37 40 44

I Was Cheated On I Was The Other Woman Ask The Sexpert

Failure

On Being Female

Adulting

Healthy

Fad Diets - Cut The Shit Love At Every Weight Real Or Real Fake?

Laugh Out Loud Worthy The Sex, Date, and Kiss Edition

We Started A Business

Party Time Beachin’ Parties

Generous 55

Making Friends + Ending Friendships

How-To

I Wrote a Booke

Newsworthy

I Had A Miscarriage

Opinionated

Inspiring

28 Budget

The Kit Gift

Good Shit

Summer of ‘69, 49 Years Later

Yours

Pinterest IRL

This Is...

[Me] A letter from the editor Hi Friends,

can both be right.

Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one. And sometimes people have asshole opinions. But the beauty of this world is that we're each entitled to have our own opinions and that means we're entitled to be offended by other people's opinions. One thing I will never claim to be nor will I ever strive to be is non-offensive, and neither will This Is... I feel the need to clarify that this isn't a matter of disrespect nor will I or This Is... ever intentionally offend anyone but we will speak our minds and share our truths. And in response, we ask that you do the same because without that dialogue how will we ever grow or open our minds to other ways of thinking, seeing, or being? I don't know that we will without it and I think it's extremely beneficial to embrace the discomfort that comes along with these confrontations and face our opinions head on and try to understand the why behind the what we believe and open our minds to the possibility that we’re wrong, or to the possibility that we and those with an opposing belief

I find it ironic that in a world that is becoming so progressive and so welcoming and so "open minded" we seem to be so closed off from hearing each other out when we disagree. I also find it extremely frustrating. We seem to either avoid talking about the difficult subjects or we attack each other when our views don't align. So on that note, I would like to propose a new possibility: let's chat. Let's have a conversation with the aim of understanding where we are coming from and asking questions when we don't. And so, with this issue, we are starting the conversation by bringing you The Taboo Issue. With this issue as The Taboo Issue, we’re embracing and sharing the stories that make us really uncomfortable – even more so than our usual stories. We’re talking about sexual orientation, eating disorders, self harm, and everything in between. And with that, I have a few favors to ask… First, please be open-minded but unafraid to share your opinion. I want you to approach the stories within this pages without judgement and sit with the discomfort it may bring you. Then, I want to hear from you. I want you to share with us your thoughts – either on the subjects brought up or on the magazine as a whole. My purpose in creating This Is… was to ignite conversations that were missing their fuse by sharing stories about topics that are familiar but scary to talk about. If we’re not doing that, I want to know how we can be and do better. And if we are, I want to know so that we can keep doing that. Second, some stories that are shared within these pages are vulnerable and deep and some sources have chosen to remain anonymous – so please respect their anonymity. It is very possible that you may know a source or recognize her story but she chose not to share her name for a reason and regardless of that reason - whether it be for safety, emotional health, privacy, or anything else - I ask that you respect her wishes by allowing her to remain anonymous, both privately and publicly. Third and finally, please recognize that these stories are told from one person’s perspective. I am not naïve to the fact that the stories told and opinions shared on the pages of this magazine are one-sided – that’s the point. We are here to share each individual’s story in the hopes of allowing a reader to recognize herself in that story to know she is not alone and someone else has been there too. I read every story that comes through my email and ends up on these pages and to be honest, there have been times that I’ve questioned whether or not a story was a bit embellished but it’s not my place to filter – it’s their truth. Call it fake news, call it alternative facts, it’s still their truth and it deserves to be told. And with that, let’s embrace the discomfort of The Taboo Issue. Sincerely an opinionated asshole,

Discovering

Adobe Stock

My Sexuality

This Is...

[Real] By: Tatum Garino

make an online dating account. When I look back now, I can see that it was ating men and never truly there all along. I had never thought of questioning her sexuality until she was myself through that lens and thought I prompted to pay attention to the was just picky or that the right perfect people she’s drawn to, Megan lived match had not come long. her life through the lens of a heterosexual female for 27 years. TG: How did you embrace your sexualNow, she’s dating her first girlfriend ity once you admitted it? and has never been happier in a M: Once I realized it, I went full force. relationship. This is her story of When I made an account for online dating I figured that I needed to be comdiscovering her sexuality. fortable enough for anyone to see this. Tatum Garino: Are you gay or bisexual I kept that relatively private, but after or are you just attracted to who you're I started dating I didn’t care at all who knew. attracted to and don't want to label it? Megan: I would identify as gay, but previously I was unsure if I was gay or bi- TG: Who did you come out to first and when? sexual. M: I came out to my best friend Paige at TG: What was your story to discovering the ripe age of 27. your sexuality? M: I had always dated men throughout TG: What was it like to come out? my entire teenage and 20 something M: I think because I was so secure in life. I had been on a record number of myself and my decision it was a very first dates. They always wanted a second easy process. I also come from a very and I was usually bored after the first or expansive and supportive community. I found something that I didn’t like about heard most that people were surprised, them. I watched most of my high school but not shocked. and college friends get married, which was a true joy of my life to witness. I TG: Were your family and friends supoddly always pictured myself getting portive? married very young, but also was wildly M: Yes they were all very supportive. content being single. I like alone time. I have traveled a good part of the world TG: Do you come from a set of a famby myself and I had no complaints. I had ily and friends who are accepting of gay NO idea that I was gay, which still seems people? so odd to verbalize. I woke up one day M: My dad is gay actually, so he was the with a feeling to explore. I had been lis- trailblazer for bringing this up within tening to a podcast and there was a line my family circle before me. about paying attention to the people you’re drawn to. I had often been drawn TG: What was your view of gay people to female duos or couples. I have a deep before recognizing your own sexuality? appreciation of friendship and thought M: I come from a very liberal belief systhat was what I had been experiencing tem. I very much appreciate all types of previously until this podcast. I spent the people, wherever you are on your journext 6 months exploring these feelings ney around the sun. as much as I could without actually acting on them. I watched many movies TG: You said you come from a liberal and TV shows to learn more. I finally background, what religious background pulled the trigger and decided I would do you come from and how does/did

that affect your feelings/view of your sexuality? M: I was raised in a Lutheran household until my early teens, at that point I went through Catholic first communion and confirmation. In my later teens I moved towards a more evangelical route. I currently wouldn’t put a sub-title on my religious background. I have a very wandering soul when it comes to religion. I would identify myself as a very loyal and curious person of the Christian faith. To me, faith expands me rather than limits me. I believe everything is spiritual and I live my life rooted in that truth. I find my sexuality inside of my spiritual life. TG: Did you or do you have any hesitations about labeling yourself? M: I did have some hesitations especially when I was figuring these feelings out initially. I didn’t like the stereotypes and I hadn’t fully established my feelings when I was having those hesitations. TG: Have you been intimate with another female? M: Yes, I am currently with my first girlfriend. TG: Was it awkward at first or did it feel natural/make sense? M: The actual dating aspect did have some awkward moments, like any first few dates. But it completely made sense for me. TG: How is your current relationship different or similar to past relationships with men? M: I was a very critical person in previous relationships. This relationship has allowed me to realize that I didn’t have respect for any of the men I had been with previously. I didn’t try to do life with them, whereas now I very much feel like I have the team mentality I’ve always wanted where both people are equal and valued within the relationship. Love pours from me so easily now, whereas before I really had to think and

This Is... any harsh reactions and to be an adult in this time and age.

TG: What does your relationship look like? Do you act differently because you're dating a female in regards to "dating norms"? M: When I went on my first date with a woman I remember writing a note in my phone about how uncomfortable I felt because there were no norms. I hadn’t realized how many of the norms that I had fallen into because so often I like to defy and push against those norms. I very much knew how to act on a date with a male, but because I didn’t have any cues on what I should be doing. It was very freeing in the end. I was able to act how I wanted to rather than how I thought I should.

TG: What's the most offensive thing you've experienced since coming out that you didn't have to endure before? M: I have no negative stories of living as a gay woman. [But there was this one time when] I was in New York with my girlfriend early this year. We were riding the subway. I am by nature very touchy with her and enjoy being close to her. She had pulled away slightly when we were on the subway and I could tell something was wrong. When I probed she said nothing, we’ll talk about

TG: Have you taken your girlfriend home? If not, do you have any hesitations? M: I did take her home. She’s the first person I’ve brought home since my boyfriend from Freshman year of college. I was very nervous only in the fact that I wanted her to like them and for them to like her. We went up to our family cabin in northern Minnesota so if it didn’t go well we didn’t have much of an escape either. [Laughs] Everything went great and we are actually going up to the cabin with my family again next month.

TG: Were there any people in your life that reacted to your coming out with an "I knew it" response? M: There were no hard “I knew its” but no one was also so shocked that they never could have imagined it.

it later. When we got off the subway, she said that she didn’t like to be touchy or look like we are together when in small spaces. I was so confused, trying to understand her viewpoint but also trying to explain to her that we were in likely the most liberal and tolerant city in America. She proceeded to tell me a few stories of times that she had things thrown at her or had been disrespected. Needless to say, we don’t touch in small confined spaces anymore.

TG: Did you have any harsh reactions? M: Everyone actually did way better than I had ever anticipated. I am one of the lucky ones to have no experienced

TG: Has coming out affected your professional life at all? As in, do you feel you can talk openly about your relationship at work as you would if it was a male-

TG: What is the biggest question people who knew you before you came out ask you? M: I would say they asked how I knew and when I knew the most.

female relationship? M: I haven’t spoken about it at my job at all. All of my co-workers except one are married in heterosexual relationships and they all have children. None of them would care at all. Actually during my interview there they asked how I felt about the LGBT community. I could definitely talk about my life and my girlfriend, but apparently have some unknown hesitancy. TG: Do you have any regrets about not coming out sooner? M: I don’t have any regrets regarding my coming out. I appreciate the time it took me to develop these feelings and how sure I feel as an adult in my late twenties. TG: What advice do you have for other girls that may be going through something similar to what you went through? Maybe struggling with their sexuality or hesitant to come out, etc. M: In my mid-twenties, I was doing some reflecting and created a mantra that I was going to live into until I didn’t need to anymore. It was “This is life. You’re invited.” I spent a lot of years feeling like I wasn’t good enough or cool enough or funny enough to be hanging out with the people I was. I was unable to own the space that I took up. That mantra was a compass for me until I knew north in any situation. I think you can only bring yourself as far as you are ready, and that you can’t bring anyone else with you on the journey until they’re ready too. You won’t change anyone’s mind unless they’re already open to it. I think for me a lot of my friends realized that I was still their friend, nothing had changed between us. But now, they had an intimate story of a life they loved that they could now reference when they thought about someone in the gay community. It’s a lot harder to dislike something when you have a story you love to compete. Overall, I’d say to own your space and enjoy the people who remain.

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work at it. I’m actually happy in a relationship.

This Is... TG: What advice do you have for other people who don't "get" being gay - who don't understand it? M: I would say they need to make some friends in that community. They need stories of people to help their understanding. They need the curiosity to ask the questions they can’t comprehend. I would also say that it’s one thing to not understand it because you’re a straight person, but it’s an entirely different thing to disrespect someone or their relationship because of your inability to comprehend. It is just another relationship, another source of love in the world which will never be a bad thing.

My Scars, My Story I’m a 25-year-old mother of two. I have severely struggled with anxiety and depression since I was 14 years old and now I’m currently going through a very nasty divorce. My story began my freshmen year of high school. I grew up in a quiet little town in the suburbs of Birmingham, Alabama. My family moved the middle of my freshmen year to a town where I knew no one. I was bullied relentlessly – I was called every name in the book, told to go kill myself, the list goes on. My mother did not believe me about the problems I was enduring at my new school until things got very serious and someone threatened to kill me. My parents pulled me out of this school and homeschooled me the remainder of the year. A week or so after this all took place, my absolute best friend in the world tragically passed away. This sent me into a spiraling depression and I did try to commit suicide a few times from all the bullying and everything that was happening in my life. Fast forward to 19 years old. I met what I thought was this amazing man. I fell in love with him and we were married July of that year. Christmas Day 2012 we lost our first child at 14 weeks 3 days. I was in a severely dark place for months. I couldn’t so much as look at a pregnant woman or a baby without bursting into tears. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and I never wanted to leave the house. I ended up getting pregnant again and had our first child January 2014.

I had another miscarriage April 7, 2015, then had our daughter April 2016, and had a third miscarriage September 10, 2016. Every miscarriage I dealt with alone. My husband would not speak of our lost children. Throughout the six years I was with my now ex, I dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I was treated horribly about my anxiety and depression. I was told twice to jump off a bridge during my anxiety attacks and I dealt with a lot of his cheating and mind games. All of this destroyed me. I questioned my self worth, who I was, everything. I finally got the courage to leave the toxic marriage and have been dealing with a lot of verbal abuse because I finally stood up for myself and said enough is enough. Leaving my ex caused several severe anxiety attacks. I’m a very prideful person who doesn’t like to ask for help, but I reached out to my doctor and got the help I knew I needed. If you’re struggling, I promise no one will ever judge you for getting help to better yourself. After 6 years of lies, cheating, verbal, and mental abuse, I found my happiness again. I’m learning who I am again and learning how to cope with pain I’ve been through. Y’all, it’s okay to not be okay. It may feel like you’re stuck in a category 5 hurricane and like the pain will never end, but it will. The storm will pass and you’ll see the beautiful light of the sun again. - Anonymous

In January 2012, when I was 25 years old, I went into the doctor because for over six months I was getting a sharp pain in my stomach. The pain was in my abdomen and back behind my pelvic bone, to be exact. They sent me to go get an ultra sound and the results showed a big black hole. From watching all the shows on TV like Grey’s Anatomy, you know right away a big black hole isn’t going to be good news. They had a doctor come in and he referred me to a tumor specialist. I went and saw him a week later and because it was so big they scheduled my first surgery for February 13th, 2012. That day came and the surgery went perfectly. I was in the hospital for two days and then was sent home to be on bed rest for a few weeks. It left me with my first small scar that was across my stomach. They had removed the tumor which was the size of a softball and sent it out for a biopsy. I patiently waited for a month. It got sent to over six places before they were confident enough to tell me what it was. I was called back in and told I had a desmoid tumor. Never heard of it? Don’t feel bad, it’s very rare. Desmoid tumors are rare, affecting an estimated 1 to 2 per 500,000 people worldwide. In the United States, 900 to 1,500 new cases are diagnosed per year. Desmoid tumor is called an aggressive fibromatosis as it has similarities with a malignant (cancerous) tumor called fibrosarcoma. However, it is considered benign because it does not metastasize (spread) to other parts of the body. I am only of those lucky people. In August 2012 I went in for a checkup to make sure everything was healing correctly and to make sure the desmoid wasn’t coming back. Please note that before I went in for this appointment I was very aware that I wasn’t going to receive good news because there was a bump pushing out from my stomach and I knew exactly what it was. The results came back and it had

returned but doubled in size. It was now the size of a watermelon and my doctor informed me he wanted to send me to a specialist at UWMC to make sure I got the best care. I was very proactive and made an appointment right away. I then got assigned an entire team - a surgeon, oncologist and radiologist. They were amazing in coming up with a plan of action that fit best for me and my situation. They decided that in September 2012 I was going to start radiation treatment to stop the desmoid from growing larger and then follow with surgery. I did treatments from September until November 2012. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined and it was a huge eye opener to all those who have it so much worse than me. This was followed by my second surgery on December 26th, 2012. My surgery took forever this time - I was the first there to get surgery that morning and the last one out for the day. This was because this time my doctor wanted to make sure he cut bigger margins so it didn’t come back so he removed my entire right side of my abdominal wall. I now have no muscle there and it is replaced by two kinds of mesh. It was attached by them drilling holes in

my pelvic bone and attaching it. It sounds horrible but it’s what saved my life. I was then on bed rest for two months. It was very hard and I was stuck upstairs laying in bed for longer than I liked. Thank goodness Netflix was around. Now it’s 2018 and my body is not the same and never will be. I now have a giant scar on my stomach but that scar shows me every single day that I survived. It’s not a pretty scar but it tells an amazing story and I’m so thankful to be here today. I am one of the lucky ones and so I can honestly say that I love my scar and my new body. I am now officially in full remission and it’s never returned. I hope anyone who reads this who is going through cancer or knows someone who is has hope. I think that’s important. I think being positive and not letting all those negative things in 2012 bring me down made me a better person and helped me survive! Just remember my favorite quote if you have a scar and are having a hard time with it, “Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” - Jenaye

When I was 17 years old I got into a major car accident and shattered my ankle. This was back in the 80s so clearly the advancement of medical technology was not where it is today. While in the hospital, I had to have an emergency surgery but my foot was so swollen the surgeons couldn’t close it up, which left me in hospital for two weeks. They were finally ready to close my disgusting opened wounded ankle so I went in for my second surgery. Unfortunately, my foot was still too swollen and after casting it and cutting a square window that could be taken out to look at the incision, it had busted open. I would say roughly 30 o so of the 72 stitches didn’t make it, which left my scar ugly.

The surgery that was done on me is called a “subtalar fusion”, which I later found out while going through physical therapy. Basically, my bones were fused together and I was told that I would never be able to run again, walk on uneven surfaces, hike, ski, etc. In total, I have had six surgeries. Although my ankle always looks like the accompanying picture, I AM able to run, I AM able to hike, and I walk on uneven surfaces all the time. All in all, I could have been left without a foot and I am incredibly grateful that although this has prohibited me from a lot of things I used to love doing, it has not stopped me from doing normal things in life. I have been told by many people to get a tattoo to cover it but I would NEVER do that. For me, this is a reminder of what could have been and I feel extremely grateful and blessed and I wear my scar proud. - Michelle

I carry my battle wounds on the inside and am reminded of the strength and courage they represent every day that I decide to keep fighting. Depression is an unseen illness that I have only recently begun to understand and heal from. It is hard to pinpoint exactly when my symptoms began. There were so many awful things that happened in my life that I assumed all my problems were just me learning how to survive it all. I wish I could say that I realized I needed help the night I hid in my bathroom and consumed over 100 pills. But sadly, those words were not spoken for another 4 years. By then, I was screaming, crying, and begging God on the inside to take away this never-ending hopelessness that I could not escape from. No one, not even my husband, saw my pain. To everyone else, I just seemed skinnier. All I wanted was to crawl into a corner and just disappear. I hated feeling so alone and misunderstood but I didn’t say anything because the risk of constantly being asked if I am ok and the guilt of putting my burdens on someone I loved was absolutely paralyzing. There were countless moments where I was screaming at myself to just open my mouth and say that I was suffering. Not only was I combating the thoughts that told me I was going to suffer forever, I was fighting the fear created by anxiety. One night I broke down in tears and told my husband that I wanted to live but I was terrified that I was not strong enough to fight off the dark thoughts that told

me I would only find peace if I took my own life. Despite the desperation I had felt for all those years, I refused to accept medication from the doctor. I thought that I needed to try every other method first. In my mind, medication was for the “crazy” and it was going to change who I was. But I couldn’t have been further from the truth. After a year of weekly counseling, numerous physical illnesses and an unhealthy amount of weight loss, I decided to begin antidepressants. It wasn’t long before I saw a difference. Finally I was able to have peace in my life and the corrupting and terrible thoughts that had once consumed me no longer had power over my life. I still struggle with depression and anxiety from time to time. Some days are tougher than others. Some days I cry and I get frustrated that I have to live with this illness. I’ll isolate myself from conversation and connection simply because it drains me emotionally. During those times I lean heavily on my husband who loves and supports me and does his best attempt to understand a condition he will never truly comprehend. There are even dark moments when I have to remind myself why my life is worth the constant battle. But the difference between now and years before is that I understand that I am strong enough. I know now that no matter how exhausted I am from fighting, no matter how alone I feel, I am not afraid to say, “Help me”. - Karissa

Although the accompanying picture is of a birthmark on my leg, it represents a scar on my heart. I don’t remember at what age I began hating my birthmark but I do remember I was young. I remember being 12 years old at pool parties walking around the pool in a bikini like the Hunchback of Notre Dame leaning to my right so that I could hang my arm down to cover my birthmark. I thought it was ugly and gross and therefore, I was ugly and gross if people saw it because it was a part of me. As I continued through puberty, it got worse. I moved to California my freshman year of high school and nobody knew me, which meant nobody had seen my birthmark before. At least when I was in Washington I had grown up with the people around me so my close friends knew about it and it didn’t have to be a conversation or a sly glance at my leg when I wore shorts. That year I moved to California, I also played on a volleyball team. That meant I wore spandex shorts 99% of the time around my team. I was so crippled by the fear of being judged by these new friends of mine that my solution was to wear a Band-Aid over my birthmark. When people asked I did tell them I had a birthmark but I lied and said the Band-Aid was

for protection from the sun. I no longer hunched over at pool parties because I didn’t have to – the Band-Aid did the covering up for me. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I ended up returning to Washington after my freshman year of high school and something had changed in me. After realizing where I belonged (Washington) I began realizing who I was and what made me me. My birthmark was part of that. It’s mine and mine alone- no one else has the same mark as me and I chose to embrace that because avoiding it was only bringing more attention to it. I wish I could say that be embracing my birth mark and walking around in shorts sans Band-Aid with confidence made it seemingly disappear, but it didn’t. I am still very aware when I’m wearing shorts or a bikini and I meet someone for the first time that their eyes go first to my leg and second to my face. I was also aware of the two girls in the front row at my choir concert in high school who were pointing at my leg and whispering to each other. But the difference is that I’ve recognized it’s their problem and not mine. I am as I am as God created me and that’s good enough for me. -Tatum

This Is... My Scar…When Being “Healthy” becomes UNhealthy. This isn’t something I openly talk about. In fact, I can probably count on both hands the number of times I’ve said it out loud. But I know that if this touches even one person – the struggle writing this is worth it.

professionals, telling me how I should be eating. “Just eat more.” “Have more high-calorie foods.” “Treat yourself to an ice cream.” It’s. Not. That. Simple. These “helpful” suggestions are NOT encouraging to a girl struggling with orthorexia nor how I wanted to gain weight/muscle back.

I can’t really place “when” it started (high school/college ), but only a few know how badly I struggled with excessive exercise disorder & orthorexia (a compulsive obsession with healthy eating.) I would spend countless hours at the gym, wasn’t refueling properly and had an indescribable anxiety being in social situations that involved food. I meticulously read ingredient labels, had no idea what a “healthy” fat was, and carbs aside from veggies were a hard pass. And so began a scary walk down the primrose path.

Despite my disagreements with the multiple nutritionists I visited (3+) I was on the comeback. Determined to do things my way. I was finding a balance again but still getting in way more exercise than calories I was taking in. I found it hard to figure out what was right, how much my body needed for fuel, and I sure as hell didn’t know what “macros” were. Fat was bad, right? WRONG. Oh so wrong.

From the outside, I was “the healthy one” who packed her lunch for school/ work everyday and ate “birdseed & rabbit food.” Inside, I was completely unbalanced, filled with anxiety, and had a totally unhealthy relationship with food. I felt that every morsel - no matter how healthy - had to be earned and worked for (thus the excessive gym & swim). So much so, to the point where I was dangerously thin, was having multiple blood tests a year, lost my period for over 4 years, had multiple bone density diagnostics, and if I lost any more weight I was threatened to be checked-in to the hospital.

I was introduced to a game-changer program in 2014 that transformed my life for all of the opposite reasons it was created. I think my mom was super worried (and I was too) that this might trigger my orthorexia again. There was no way I needed to lose weight rather I saw this as an opportunity to rebuild and recharge – to find a fitness & food balance that would FUEL my body. Create lean muscle. Be strong and not just skinny.

Something needed to be done. My wake-up call was from the support of my family and friends who helped me realize I was at an all time low (age 21 ~88 lbs). I checked into a therapist/ nutritionist and slowly started to come back from this dark place – reluctantly. NOTHING about this kind of journey is easy. There were frustrations, objections, disagreements with qualified R.D. – I was SO over being told to “just eat a burger.” There is an irrational anger that still fires me up when I think about some of those conversations, with qualified

(…fast forward 7 years of mental battles and progress…)

Little do many people know, this unique pivot point helped me to rebuild a healthy relationship with food & fitness. Contrary to what many think, what I do for a living is NOT about weight loss. It’s actually much more about empowering you to be better, find your fire-starter, ignite it and fight for it. When FEAR food becomes FUEL food… It’s important to recognize that there was a time in my life when considering eating certain foods struck the living fear of God into me. Foods that fell onto an automatic “no” list - where I would mentally block them off my radar. (I’m looking at you, “dirty” carbs!) Despite my activity level, I didn’t know what the “right” foods were to properly fuel my workouts and how my body was

supposed to respond to them. In the world of nutrition myths, trends and insta-drool-worthy #foodporn snaps, it’s easy to get tangled up in what’s real and what’s not so real. Lucky for me, I’ve started to crack my own personal code, arming myself with education, science and trusted nutritionist curated meal plans that are tailored to me & my body. In 2018, I recently introduced a Refeed Day into my timed nutrition. No, it’s not a binge-cheat day. Simply put, I add a few “extras” to my meal plan roughly every 2 weeks. Specifically high-GI carbs. It takes practice, and is specifically calculated but OH SO GOOD. Although I’m eating “dirty” there is no guilt, no regret and surprisingly no fear! (which is a massive non-scale victory in itself.) In my current training program, we eat & train like athletes. It’s no secret the sessions are hard work. We lift heavy, we jump, we exhaust and burn. Training at this intensity depletes our glycogen stores. Mentally we might feel tired, irritated, stressed. In addition to self care, I’ve learned that my nutrition needs to be refreshed as well! Enter: Refeed Day! Snapping your serotonin levels back up, plus those bonus high-glycemic (fast-absorbing) carbs will restore your body’s glyco levels; allowing you to push harder and go for it. Who knew there would be a day when you would see white rice & cookies in my post-workout recovery meal?! Fear food be-gone. Scars are an integral part of life. Emotional scars, physical scars, mental scars. By definition scars are part of the healing process from a deep wound. They have a story. They have a tough exterior that reminds of a possibly painful journey we have been on. Despite how painful the story behind that scar might be, scars are there to remind us we are strong and can do hard things. We can face difficult situations and heal from them. Part of my mission as a personal trainer and health coach is to be an advocate for those silently struggling to find their voice and balance as a #fitfoodie. Learning how to fuel your body with the right foods, why it’s important, to TRUST how food will renew your body, your mind, and try not be

This Is... afraid. I’ve been there. I’m still there some days. This is a lifestyle change. It’s as much mental as it is physical. Be your BEST self and your results will be the reward for hard work. Self-awareness, honesty and mindfulness will carry you along the way. Making the first move to be a better you is never easy (just like

writing this article). But I can guarantee you it is 100% worth it.

P.S. I am not a therapist. I am not a professional in eating disorders. I’m just a real girl, who tries to recognize

when someone needs help – and I want to share the tools that have helped me get back on track. If you or someone you know wants to chat, wants to find answers, personally grow while staying active, learning to nourish your soul, mind & body – please send me a note. You too can be healthy, happy & free!

When Tatum (our favorite editor) reached out to me to write a post for her magazine, I was incredibly honored she would ask me to write. Secondly, I questioned if I should agree to it or not. The topic she wanted me to write about? Scars. As one of my oldest friends, she knew I had scars of my own and wanted me to write about my experience. As I thought critically whether I wanted to cover this topic or not, I realized that vulnerability is beautiful and opening up about my scars could potentially help someone with theirs.

I started cutting my wrist. There was something that made me feel as though I had power and control over my life when I was cutting. For about a year, I was using this form of self-harm as a coping method. I felt so out of control. Out of control of my home life, my extracurricular activities, school, friends – you name it. I was struggling with my long affair with anxiety and depression. I would get behind in school, my anxiety levels would rise, which would then propel me into a state of depression. I remember feeling the most stuck I had ever been. I didn’t want to ask for help, yet I was drowning and felt as though

my parents were yelling for me, but couldn’t find me in all the waves. Additionally, this was reflected in every other part of my life. My family and I have always been very close, but I was meticulous about hiding my arms and legs so they couldn’t see. Luckily, despite my success hiding it from my family, my friends (including Tatum) were starting to catch on. After months of noticing my gradual rows of scars that lined my arm and seeing that I was neglecting to seek professional help, my friends sat me down and told me they were going to give me an opportunity to tell my parents before they did. I will never

When I was a sophomore in high school,

- Krista

This Is... forget how horrifying that moment was, finally agreeing to seek help. I told my parents and they immediately set an appointment with a therapist and held a spotlight to my life until they knew I was more stable. Through therapy, the support of my community, my spirituality, and soccer, I was beginning to feel a type of peace I hadn’t had in years. I was one of the lucky ones: I was able to seek support before it was too late. Mental Health Stigmas With recent news of celebrity suicides, I’m even more inclined to socialize mental health. There is an unfair stigma around those that suffer from mental illness. We’ve been conditioned to believe that suppressing the way that you feel is brave and strong. Who taught us that mental illness was a choice? How did we get here? How did we become so comfortable with turning away from individuals struggling and pretending that time will heal all scars? What if those scars aren’t the lines on someone’s arms, but rather the chronic struggle to get out of bed from their depression? Or their feeling of inadequacy their anxiety is trying to convince them of? We have a responsibility as a community to educate ourselves and acknowledge how common mental health is and the importance of getting the care one needs. It’s okay to not be okay. Although I stopped cutting my wrist, I have continued to struggle with chronic anxiety. Recently, I had been wrestling with a mean case of anxiety that was making life feel heavy. The pain was isolating. You feel as though no one understands. I’ve heard, “You’ll be fine. Just give it time. You’ll be okay.” I find so many of our close friends and family may echo that sentiment, but this does not change how some feel right now in this moment as they are reaching out for help. It does not change the simple fact that yes, there may be better days, but today is not one of them. We have to understand that telling someone “It’ll get better” or “Just try and get over it” is minimizing what they are feeling right now.

In experiencing mental illness, I’ve learned (and continue to learn) that it is okay to not be okay. Whether it’s from grief or trauma or mental health, you are allowed to have bad days. I want to immediately follow that sentiment with the simple fact that you also deserve moments of peace and relief. You deserve to feel whole alone and deserve to meditate without negative thoughts interrupting. You deserve to find help in feeling better. In the last six months, I have found significant amounts of healing through the following: Therapy

This isn’t standing in front of the mirror every day telling yourself you like your new haircut. This is allowing yourself bad days. This is loving your body that acts as your home. This is saying no to things that aren’t serving you. This is climbing out of unhealthy relationships. This is taking a bath or cooking a really healthy meal. This is accepting where you are and celebrating the big and small victories. Practice radical self-acceptance. Your mental illness does not define you. New hobbies I have found so much healing in exploring new hobbies. Pottery, painting, running, cooking, yoga. Any activity that requires focus on the present. Suicide Prevention Resources

It’s okay to not be okay. I was incredibly lucky to find my therapist the first time I went back to therapy while living in Seattle. (Sometimes you have to attend a few sessions before you both know you’re the right fit for each other and communicate well.) Therapy has gifted me the tools to understand how to let go what I cannot control and to find peace within selfcare, even when everything around you feels as though it’s spiraling. For that, I’m eternally grateful. I was and am lucky enough to be surrounded by a community that regularly checks in on each other to make sure they are well supported. PyschologyToday.com is a great place to find a curated list of local therapists in your area, self-help tests, diagnosis dictionary, and a variety of other resources. Self-love and self-care

My sincerest hope is that if any of the readers are battling mental illness and are considering suicide, please visit these amazing websites full of resources: • AFSP • Crisis Textline • Stop A Suicide Today In case of emergency or if you’re feeling suicidal, please call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), call your family, your friends, or a doctor. There will always be someone who wants to help. A few concluding thoughts: 1. Always check in on the people you love, no matter how “together” their life might seem. You can never check in too often. 2. See your scars as living proof of what you’ve survived. 3. A quote that brought me a lot of fight and strength when I wasn’t sure I had any left: “I realized that if I was brave enough to feel my pain, then I was brave enough to do something with it.” Do not ever let yourself forget: You are so worthy of all the joy, self-love, and bravery it takes to survive your scars. -MacKenzie

FORE [Vulnerable]

Dear 26-Year-Old Me, You are loved. You are strong. You are worthy. You don’t deserve what will happen to you. It will hurt more than anything you have experienced in your life. You will sacrifice for him, change life plans for him, bend over backwards for him, only to sit on your bed sobbing a year and a half later staring down at your engagement ring in a box wondering how you could have gotten him all wrong. Take a deep breathe, it’s a long ride, but I’ll be with you the entire way. Here’s your story. You waited a long time for him. You wished and hoped and prayed he would come along. Years of not feeling pretty enough, skinny enough, dateable. Your self esteem was in the toilet, but still you hoped this date would be different. You hoped maybe he would be the end all, be all. The one who comes into your life and stays. He was sweet and charming and you knew from day one he was going to have a large impact on your life. It’s funny how we just get these feelings about people. But you never expected what was to come. You knew he was something wonderful and for the first time in a long time you were, what you thought was, happy. He was close with his family, you went to the same college, you were from the same state, you loved all the same things, like Wawa and camping and the beach. You become close fast, spending most of your free time together - it’s amazing having a best friend and a lover all in one. But one day, he will get sick and this will be the beginning of a long drawn out, heart crushing breakup that will slap you in the face. The sad part about his illness is that it’s something he can work on, but in the end, he chooses comfort zones and his family’s inability to let him go destroy the single most greatest thing the two of you have ever experienced. Not to mention he blames it on God’s guidance that “made it abundantly clear you shouldn’t get married”. This will try your faith not only in God but in your ability to make decisions - something you will still struggle with as I write this to you. I wish I could say you will know this long before you start planning your wedding, but like all sad stories, you didn’t. You’ll spend two months touring venues, meeting caterers, florists and DJs. The entire time, he’s by your side, making decisions, smiling, signing on the dotted lines. You’ll drive seven hours back to New Jersey to try on wedding dresses, pick out dresses for bridesmaids and have your family throw you guys an engagement party. Your dad will take out a 401k loan so his only daughter can have a beautiful wedding. B will know that but keep putting on a happy face while he doubts your entire future. Two weeks later, you will fight, over his parents mixed feelings about your marriage, his changing attitude towards you, jobs and money. Nothing will prepare you for that Monday phone conversation. Sweet girl, your life will be torn from you in a four minute conversation. Yes, your fiancé will break his life commitment to you in a FOUR MINUTE conversation. You will know it’s over and he’s never coming back. You will instantly know that he won’t change his mind or reconsider. You’ll spend the next two days on your mom’s couch, sobbing in between naps hoping you’ll wake up from the nightmare. You’ll send embarrassing emails to all the vendors cancelling their good and services and watch all your dad’s money wasted. Don’t worry (you will worry, that will actually be your biggest worry) he will pay your parents back, you’ll get the check the same day you give the ring back and you’ll walk away and never see each other again. You’ll spend three weeks barely eating. You’ll spend every week in grief therapy trying to figure out where it went wrong, why he did what he did, and how you are going to come back from it all. You’ll know not to blame yourself for his choices, you’ll know deep down that this is

EVER not a reflection of the person you are, but you will still blame yourself. Even though you’ll go each week and open up and push forward, I wish I could say you will kick ass and instantly be healed. You won’t be. But you’ll start taking your life back. You’ll hang out with friends, you’ll redecorate your entire room, you’ll start taking calligraphy classes at a local art place and meet wonderful people who had the same thing happen to them. You’ll realize you aren’t alone, you are still loved more than anything and you have an amazing support system that will help you through anything. You’ll open yourself up for magic to come your way. You’ll write that on a post it and put it on your work monitor. It’s still there to this day. You’ll become more self-aware. You’ll start making decisions again, you’ll start to trust yourself again. You’ll grieve and you’ll be angry and then you’ll be so happy that you don’t ever have to see that awful, fake, two faced family again. Because that is what grief is. But, in this new-found strength, you’ll start building a life you deserve. And then, you’ll meet him. He’ll be funny and loud and he’ll make you forget you were heartbroken. You’ll talk about everything under the sun. He will be sweet and charming and selfless. He will scare the absolute shit out of you. He will be the real deal. He will push you to be a better person. He will pull you out of your comfort zones. He will listen to your story and not be afraid of your baggage. He will love you unconditionally. He will put you first above all else. He will feel like home. And he will make you understand why everything went all wrong - so you could end up with him. He will see you at your worst. He will be there through your healing. He will be there when you lose your Nan. He will comfort you and take care of you. He will be there while you fall out of love with someone else and he will lift you off the ground in a long embrace in his kitchen when you tell him you love him for the first time because he will know just how hard it will be to say that. He won’t save you but he will be there through it all and that’s what matters to you. See, the people that are most important in your life are the ones who show up. You will learn that. Not the ones with big houses, the most expensive things, hiding behind their falsities. Not the ones who create a narrative to cover up for their lack of compassion or the fact that they can’t take responsibility for their own actions. The ones who show up and stay through thick and thin - those are the people you will learn to surround yourself with. They will lift you up, they will keep you positive, they will keep your visions and dreams on track. They will inspire you to take chances, they will love you without condition. They will accept you. You will thrive. You will give them all strength to know that you went to the depths of hell and came back alive. You are a fighter. You may not realize it yet, but there will be a time when it all clicks. You’ll realize the person who you’ve become was the person you are meant to be. I’ll leave you with this - your mom will give you the best piece of advice the night your fiancé breaks up with you, she will say “Do you really want to be with someone who you have to beg and convince to love you?” Stop. I want you to think about that, memorize it. Harp on it and then reflect. In any place in life, do you want to be with or around people who you have to beg or convince to accept you, love you, hire you, believe in you? No, you don’t. You will realize, that through all this heartbreak, you found freedom. Freedom of love that holds you in a box. That makes you fearful. That keeps you little. That’s not who you are meant to be. That’s not who you will be. I’m so proud of who we’ve become and I can’t wait until you see it too. Love you more than anything, 29-Year-Old You

Adobe Stock

I W a s Cheated On

heating. You never think it will actually happen to you. You get paranoid and that’s all you really think it’ll be - paranoia. For some of us, though, this nightmare becomes your reality. My boyfriend and I met in high school, let’s call him Tyler. Tyler and I were young and in love. We spent Junior and Senior year together, to only be separated when we both went off to community college. I stayed close to home and he moved two hours north. I got a full time job to pay for school and he played baseball. We were both so busy, but we always made time for each other, trying to make it work. He was my entire world and I sacrificed a lot of myself for him. There came a time when I felt him pulling away. He was partying a lot and ignoring all of my texts. We’d finally get to see each other after weeks of being apart and everything started to feel different. I allowed myself to believe it was because we were in college now; trying to have fun while also juggling the stress of work, school, and sports, making things harder. It wasn’t until he began hiding his phone all of the time that I knew something was really going on. We had been together for two years and had shared everything. Slowly, passwords changed, his phone never left his side, and stories never seemed to sound right. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something wasn’t right and I didn’t trust what I was seeing. I started asking why he was taking his phone everywhere with him - even into the shower when he wasn’t playing any music. Lies, excuses, it was none of my business. He turned everything around on me, everything was my fault. I tried to tell myself it was all in my head; that I was overreacting to what I was seeing. So Tyler was texting other girls - I had friends who were guys as well. So Tyler was snapchatting other girls and commenting on their pictures instead of mine. I apologized. I apologized for being jealous. I remember telling him I would try to be better, to get over it and not allow myself to feel this way. Things got ugly for a while. I was ignored and always given the cold shoulder. Tyler was good at manipulation, at lying. He made me believe that I was insecure, that I had low self-esteem and that I needed to get through this myself. We moved on. We got through those two ter-

rible years and finally went off to WSU together. We moved into a new place, a new town where I felt we could start fresh. Life with Tyler got better, we were happy. We weren’t fighting like we used to and we grew together as a couple. Fast forward and we’re in our senior year of college together. We’ve been together for 5 years now and life with him is great. We were a couple weeks from school being out for break and midterms were quickly approaching. I took a break from studying and browsed through Instagram. I looked at the ‘Following’ page and saw that Tyler had liked and commented on multiple girls’ Instagram pictures in ways that made my stomach sink. When I saw him later that day I asked him about the comments. He made up some excuse and I told him I believed him and that I trusted him. We dropped it and I focused on studying. A few days later Tyler began acting strange. He seemed nervous and on edge. I kept making sure he was okay, only to be reassured he was fine, just nervous for his midterms. I was up late one night reciting my presentation for my International Business class when Tyler got out of bed and kept pacing the living room. It was two in the morning and I told him to go to bed, I’d be there soon. He said he couldn’t sleep and kept acting so strange. Again my stomach sank. He finally told me he needed to talk to me about something and I knew this could not be a good conversation. He began to tell me that when he was off at community college he had cheated on me. He said that when I brought up the Instagram comments the other day he felt guilty for almost allowing it to happen again. He continued to tell me everything about two years ago and everything that he had done recently. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I remember sitting in our bedroom feeling numb. The man I loved, the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with had hurt me in a way that made my chest feel like it was collapsing in on me. I couldn’t breathe. I had tears streaming down my face and I thought they would never stop falling. I was angry, hurt, confused, and all of the above. We were fine. We were happy. How could all of this be true? At that moment, I wanted him away from me - I couldn’t stand the sight of him. I felt betrayed and violated. I was disgusted. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and mad at myself for allowing me to go through the pain I endured all those years ago. All I ever wanted was for him to love me the

This Is... way I loved him. In the weeks to come, I felt sick as he tried to win me back. Tyler continued to tell me he would do anything he could to earn my trust and forgiveness. I wanted to forgive him and even tried to do so. This all happened so long ago and he’s a different person now, right? But I knew better. The pain he caused me was too excruciating for me to forget and in my head I knew I needed to be with someone who deserved all the love I had to give and would never be capable of making me feel the way I was feeling. Separating my life from him was more difficult than I could have imagined. Five years of friendships, family, and experiences. I wasn’t just breaking up with him, I was breaking up with my current life. I felt sad for a very long time. I attempted to date but I needed to heal myself before I could dive into another relationship. It took me a good 18 months before I finally started to stop feeling the pain each and every day. I blamed him for being young and stupid and careless. He wasn’t ready to love another person and it wasn’t fair he dragged me down that path with him. Some people would ask if I blamed the girl. In the end, it was Tyler’s choice to make the decisions he did. I was upset at the girl for a long time, though, because she was my friend. She was someone who would text me to come visit Tyler on the weekends so we all could hang out and was someone I would go to his baseball games with. How someone can be that deceitful time and time again was disgusting to me. Looking back at the time this was all happening, I was mad that this was something I was going through. No pe rson should ever have to feel the pain and heartache I felt. Today, I am still not sure how I feel. The relationship I had with Tyler taught me a lot about myself, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and what my next relationship would look like. But the relationship I had with Tyler had also made me a very cautious person. It took time to trust people again and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I know you may hear that line a lot from people who have been cheated on, but it’s only because it’s true. The pain and uneasy feeling follows you into other relationships. Going through this, I have learned that time really does heal. Slowly, I felt the pain less and less and stopped thinking about him every day. About a year ago, I was blessed to have met the most amazing and caring man. The hardest part of this relationship has been reminding myself that my current relationship is not my past relationship. Even after four years of not being with Tyler, my heart still has a little more healing to do. At times I find myself projecting old feelings onto situations and making them into something they’re not because I am afraid. I’m afraid of getting hurt again, of being lied to, and falling so in love I ignore the warning signs. It’s also in those vulnerable moments, though, where I get to see how loving my boyfriend truly is. The advice I want to give to others who have been cheated on is to try to get out of your head and don’t ever give up. It may hurt like heck right now, but it will get better. Find someone who you can share your struggles with and who will in turn make you feel like the best version of yourself. What I have learned is that, because of my experiences, I now understand what a healthy, happy, and secure relationship feels like. If you are feeling that you will never find love again, don’t worry. Life will put that special person in your life when you are ready for them, you just have to work on yourself so that you can accept and love that person back.

I Was The Other W o m a n

any people say the worst thing that can happen to a relationship is being cheated on. I agree. The second worst thing that can happen is finding out you were the cheater. Finding out you were the mistress that tore apart another person’s relationship and most likely broke another woman’s heart. Unfortunately, I can say that I have been the other woman. I can also that say it was one of the top five worst feelings I have ever felt. Not only knowing that I had been a part of something so vulgar but that the man I cared about had the ability to do something so distasteful. To make it worse, all of his friends, our friends, knew that I was the mistress. Meaning they either didn’t care enough to stop him, didn’t care enough to tell me, or they thought I knew and was okay with being the other woman. So many thoughts rushed through my mind creating a whirlwind of emotions that were incredibly difficult to stomach. I absolutely did not start the relationship knowing I was the other woman. I had heard rumors that he formerly had a long-time girlfriend, but a reliable source told me that relationship had ended before he and I began. I was just looking for something casual so I wasn’t worried about the baggage of a recently deceased relationship (if men even grieve), so I decided to give him a shot when he first asked for my number. Now knowing that the initial spark was ignited while he was a taken man tainted the entire experience. The first touch should have never happened, the hours we spent talking about life on that first night weren’t mine to have, and the butterflies in my stomach were adultery in themselves. But ignorance is bliss and so the fling began and the feelings started to grow. Two weeks into things a mutual friend, with a bit of liquid courage, told me about his girlfriend. I was shocked. It’s hard for me to even describe my initial reaction, because honestly I’m a little ashamed of it. I was disgusted that I had been a part of the cheating, I felt bad for his girlfriend, I was mad at him for allowing me to do something so shameful, but mostly I was sad that this meant our relationship had to end. I was embarrassed, and therefore refrained from admitting, that I was sad that I couldn’t be with him. Because despite now knowing that he was a pig, I still had strong feelings for him. Naturally I ended things the next day. When I con-

This Is...

Love isn’t always black and white as many people think. It can be sticky, ugly, and painful.

fronted him about the situation he fessed up to having a girlfriend, but I didn’t get the impression that he felt bad about his actions. That was incredibly painful. For the next two weeks I couldn’t stop thinking about the both of them. I felt incredibly guilty about what I had done, I wondered if he still thought about me and I couldn’t stop wondering if she knew what kind of person she was dating. Just a few minutes of Instagram stalking brought me and my friends to her profile, putting a face to the scandal. From that point on I couldn’t stop picturing this poor woman who continued to stick by a man who didn’t deserve her. Not only that, but I couldn’t stop picturing them together. Did he touch her in the gentle way that he touched me? Could he have really been making love to us both in such a tender way? I couldn’t stop asking myself questions that had answers I knew I would never know. A few more weeks went by as I still tried to get myself to come to terms with what had happened when he came to me with some pretty big news. He announced that he had broken up with his girlfriend, he missed me like crazy, and he wanted me back. This was surprisingly one of the hardest things to hear. As excited as I was that he still wanted me and was willing to go to great lengths to be with me, I knew getting involved with someone with such shitty morals wasn’t a good idea. Not to mention the disgust I still felt towards him and the fear that he would do the same to me. But after some time the devil on my shoulder won out and a relationship began. Many have asked why I took him back and why I have stayed with him. At first it was complicated, but now it’s simple. In the re-beginning of our relationship I told myself I would allow the fling to continue for a little while because he brought a new kind of fun to my life that I had never experienced before. I told myself nothing would come of it and I was just allowing myself to have a good time as he was technically single now. I know now that this was stupid logic but at the time I thought I was strong enough to resist his charm.

Unfortunately it didn’t get easier. I constantly questioned his loyalty and wondered if he was up to anything shady. I continued to think about his now ex-girlfriend and wondered if she knew or if I should tell her. To this day I wonder if those fears will ever completely go away and if it’s possible to fully trust a cheater. Although I was extremely happy to be with him, life felt incredibly complicated. There were many ups and downs but eventually things became simple. I’d fallen for him. After some time I realized that I had fallen in love with the man who had caused me great amounts of pain but also brought me the greatest happiness I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t want to feel this way about him, but the cliché sayings “the heart wants what is wants” and “we don’t choose who we love” really came into play. The thought of letting him go seemed worse than dealing with the pain and pushing through the trust issues. The potential of how life changing this could be felt great enough to risk getting my heart broken. I’ve dealt with heart break before so I knew I could survive it again but the way I felt about him was brand new and incredibly exciting. Against my better judgement and the opinions of some friends, I am still with him. I can’t say it has been an easy road but it definitely feels worth it. Love isn’t always black and white as many people think. It can be sticky, ugly, and painful. Who knows, there may be a black and white love out there for me, but for now this is what I want. He is what I want because I have never felt this way about a man, and though many won’t believe this, I do think he feels differently about me than any woman from his past. So call me a cheater, tell me I’m dumb, but through the most unconventional methods I have found something that brings great happiness to my life. I believe that some people are worth giving second chances to and that’s good enough for me.

Ask The Sexpert

essa Zimmerman is a couples’ counselor and AASECT certified sex therapist with a private practice in Seattle who’s been in practice for eight years - focusing on working with couples and sex since the very beginning. Currently, Jessa’s practice is 90% couples and mostly dedicated to helping people with issues about sex. If that’s not enough, Jessa is the host of the Better Sex podcast and has a book publishing in September meant to help couples that are avoiding sex because it’s become stressful and negative. In short, there is no one better to answer our questions about sex. So without further adieu, find your sex questions answered below!

What does healthy sex look like?

How often is “normal” to be having sex in a relationship?

Is it normal for my sex drive to decrease the longer I’m with my partner?

What defines healthy sex is two healthy individuals choosing to participate with each other. It’s not a matter of what they choose to do as long as they are empowered to make a choice and have the self-awareness and agency to truly say yes or no to things. Sex should be a collaboration between two people where both people’s desires and boundaries are respected.

There is no normal and there is no right amount of sex to have. Whatever works for two people is just fine. There are couples in which both people are quite happy not having sex at all. That is fine. There are people having sex many times of day; as long as that’s what they both want, that is fine, too. Related to the question about healthy sex, as long as two people are in touch with what they want, have influence in their sex lives, and are choosing to have sex from a healthy place, any amount of sex is just fine.

Absolutely. Many of us recognize that wonderful “new relationship energy.” In the beginning of a relationship, your brain chemistry is different. Helen Fisher has done research that shows that our entire brain lights up when we think of our lover in the first 18 months or so of a relationship. After that, the only part of our brain that lights up is the same part that stores our grocery list. We are not designed to maintain that early level of hormonal and emotional response over the long haul.

You have to be skeptical of statistics, too, that say how often other people are having sex. There is no way to know what kind of sample is being used or whether people are being truthful when talking about their sex life. Instead of thinking about what anyone else is doing, focus on what you and your partner want and work to create a sex life and sexual frequency that works for both of you.

Esther Perel has written about the dilemma faced in long term relationships. What makes them stable, secure and attached is the opposite of what we find erotic. Does that mean there’s no way to have an exciting sex life over years together? No. But it does mean it takes effort and creativity to continue to fuel your fire.

This Is... How are men and women different when it comes to sex? There are a lot of ways that our culture would have us believe that men and women are different. But these are generalizations at the least and myths at the worst. So while you may have lots of ideas already about how men and women are different, you are better served by making the effort to understand the actual person you are with. And they you.

Why do I have a low libido? First, I think you need to question what you mean by low libido. It could be that you just have unrealistic expectations about sex and sexual desire. People come in all varieties, including how much they want sex. There is likely nothing wrong with you at all. It’s useful to appreciate the fact that in any relationship there is someone more interested in sex than the other. This doesn’t mean that the person with less sexual desire is broken or has too low a libido. That desire discrepancy is a fact of life and the important thing is to work together to make sure sex is fulfilling and engaging for both of you. It’s also useful to understand the concept of reactive desire. Some people have what I call proactive desire. They feel spontaneous interest in sex, they think about it, they get horny, and they want sex to happen. This is what we generally think of as sex drive or libido. But plenty of the population has what I call reactive desire. That means

that their interest in sex shows up part way through. So if things are good with their partner, if they start kissing and touching, if they take their time, they start to get aroused. Then they want sex! That is a perfectly valid way of experiencing desire. It requires that both people understand that it’s normal, that they have the willingness to create opportunities to see if desire will emerge and they need to tolerate it if the engine doesn’t turn over. If you truly have a very low level of sexual desire or don’t feel desire in response to sexual activity, you’d also want to consider that relationship issues could be in the way. It’s hard to want sex if you don’t feel great about your partner or about the sex you’re having. There are probably very good reasons you’re struggling to want sex and you’ll need to find a way to address those. After all of this, there are some physical reasons you could struggle with desire. You could be depressed, ill, suffering side effects of medication or birth control. Drugs and alcohol can affect your libido, as well.

How can I spice it up in the bedroom? Bringing eroticism to sex makes it way hotter. You can explore what really turns you on and then share it with your partner and you can explore their eroticism, too. Find scenes in TV shows, movies, romance novels, written erotica and even pornography and see what really strikes you as hot. What really turns you

on? Share those scenes with your partner and let them in on what you find especially arousing. Then you can talk about how to incorporate some of that energy into the sex you’re having.

Can porn negatively affect our relationship with sex? Can it be a positive influence?

It can be a positive influence, especially in exploring your eroticism, as I already mentioned. It can give you a visual reference for what some people enjoy. However, it’s also entertainment, not sex. So it can create unrealistic expectations about how people should look, what they should like, and how sex should go. It’s also highly stimulating, so it’s possible to start to require a very high level of stimulation to respond sexually. It can be worth cutting back on the high voltage input of porn and focus on the real world partner in front of you.

Why haven’t I had an orgasm? You probably just haven’t had one yet. Most people will discover their way to orgasm alone before they share it with a partner. Spend time with self-pleasure, exploring what feels good to you. Take the pressure off of needing to climax and just focus on building arousal and getting excited. You can read on the internet about all kinds of ways that people masturbate; see if any of them are especially arousing to you. 19

[Failure]

I had a miscarriage.

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ringing life to this world is a beautiful thing but the process can have an extremely dark side. The joys of finding out our pregnant can be quickly cut short when you find out your journey to bringing that new bundle of joy into the world has come to an unexpected end. While no one may expect to miscarry, 15-20% of pregnancies do unfortunately end in a miscarriage. This is one woman’s story. Tatum Garino: Before you got pregnant, had you been trying to get pregnant or was it a surprise? Kathryn Carsley: We were trying. TG: Did you tell people you were pregnant? KC: Yes, we did. TG: When did you miscarry? KC: I believe after a month. TG: What was that experience like for you? KC: Because it was still very very early in the pregnancy, the actual miscarrying lasted a couple days. It wasn’t very painful physically. It felt like a heavy period. Cramping and a heavy heavy flow. The process was done naturally. So ironically the miscarriage happened on Mother’s Day. I knew instantly that there was something off the Friday before. I can’t really explain it. My friend who I was confiding in was trying to encourage the fact that sometimes during the pregnancy you stop “feeling” pregnant. However, I just knew deep down that something was wrong. So come Mother’s Day, I woke up to spotting and slight cramping and I felt dizzy. I decided to go to urgent care by myself. They got me an ambulance and a Japanese translator to take me to the ER off base to get checked out (my husband is in the military and was stationed in Japan at the time). At this time I started to really bleed, very heavily. Before we got to the ER I knew already what was happening. My husband was gone on a short deployment at the time so I was keeping him up to date on what was happening. So far I kept my composure. I wanted to cry but I told myself not yet. Before I was seen by the doctor I had to use the bathroom. After I relieved myself I looked down to see there was a lot of blood and

I saw what looked like a very tiny sac. I remember saying very calmly and acceptingly, “Yep.” No crying yet. I saw the doctor. They checked me and took a sample. The doctor didn’t say anything. So I asked, “Am I having a miscarriage?” The doctor told me they didn’t want to confirm it without the testing of the sample. I said “But it’s a miscarriage right?” The doctor gave me an empathetic nod, yes. I said, “Okay.”

TG: Did your religious beliefs ever come into play? As in, did you ever question God or blame him? KC: I never blamed God for what happen. Again, it doesn’t seem to be fair to me. TG: Did you feel supported or alone? KC: At the moment I did feel very alone. However, I knew I had all the support in the world from my family, friends and husband.

While sitting in the waiting room for my paperwork I remember just wanting to go home to take a long shower. My husband was trying to call me. I declined his call twice. He texted me to call him. I didn’t want to because I knew once I heard his voice I’d start crying. He texted me saying that that was okay and to please call him. I went back into the bathroom and called him. I heard him say “Hey babe” and I immediately started crying. I remember just apologizing over and over again to him. All he kept saying was that he was sorry he couldn’t be there, that everything was going to be okay, that I was strong and that he loved me. That was a very hard phone call for me. After we hung up I was glad I called him after all. Once I got back home I took my very long shower then slept for hours.

TG: Had you known anyone else who had miscarried? KC: Yes - some women in my family and friends.

TG: How was it having to tell people afterwards? KC: Being away from family I had to call every family member that I told. I was showered with empathy and encouraging words. I had two close friends who were also my coworkers come over to visit me. They brought me a bouquet of flowers and some yummy Japanese snacks and stayed awhile to just be with me.

TG: Were you scared to try to get pregnant again afterwards? KC: My husband and I wanted to start trying again almost immediately. We gave my body one menstrual cycle. I was a little scared to try again just because I’d hate to go through that again but I talked with my husband and we knew it could always be a possibility but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. It took about 4 months until we got pregnant with our rainbow baby! Our daughter is two years old now and is a ball of nonstop energy!

TG: Had you ever had any issues previously with getting pregnant or staying pregnant? KC: No. I had just gotten off birth control and got pregnant after two tries. TG: Did you ever blame yourself? Did you ever feel that others were or would blame you? KC: I never blamed myself or others. That doesn’t seem fair to me. TG: Were you ever angry? KC: I never felt angry about it. Just sad.

TG: Was it something you chose to talk about or keep to yourself? Why? KC: I chose to talk about it. Talking about hard things is my way of healing. TG: Do you ever think about the baby you lost? Who he or she might have been or why you lost him or her? KC: Honestly I don’t. Maybe because it was still super early to imagine those things. I came to terms the reason I had a miscarriage was because of biology. And I believe it had to do with being on birth control for so long. Maybe my uterus walls weren’t quite strong enough yet.

TG: What advice do you have for anyone else who may have experienced or will experience a miscarriage? KC: My advice for others who have or may go through a miscarriage is to never blame themselves or, if religious, never to blame God. This is just another thing that we have no control over. And please never feel discouraged to try and try again until that rainbow baby sticks!

ON BEING FEMALE

This Is...

[Opinionated] By: Tatum Garino

female professor of mine once said, “I don’t want equality, I want equity.” Even though I didn’t fully understand what she meant at the time, I felt like it was important. And now, here I am three years later reiterating it to you because I have finally understood the value of this statement and need to share its importance. According to Google, equality is defined as “the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.” You’re probably reading this wondering, “Tatum, why the hell wouldn’t you want to be equal to men especially in status, rights, and opportunities? Are you crazy?!” Well, no I’m not, and here’s why: as a female, I’m not equal to a male. Before you stop reading, please know that the same goes for men – men are not equal to women. The fact is, we’re different. And because we’re different, we are not equal. And frankly, I don’t want to be. I love being a female (most of the time) and I want to celebrate the beauty in what makes me different than a male. However, I don’t want to be given any shortcuts

or special treatment because I’m a female. I want to be put to the same tests as my male counterpart and measured against the same standards so that when I beat his ass, I know I succeeded despite being female, not because I am female. This is why I want equity, just as that female professor of mine – because equity is “the quality of being fair and impartial”. I say we celebrate our differences from men and appreciate those differences. I think the coolest thing about being a woman is that we have the potential to carry a child in our womb and grow a living being inside of us – men can’t do that! Our bodies were created to nurture life – let’s celebrate that! And even if your body can’t create human being, there are still so many things to celebrate about being uniquely female and uniquely you. Celebrating our differences individually isn’t enough, though. We need to celebrate each other. And I don’t mean marching for women’s rights or joining the #girlpower movement. I mean celebrating and supporting each other in our personal lives and whatever form

they may take. Being vocal about your beliefs doesn’t mean shit if you don’t live out those beliefs in your everyday life. This means celebrating the lady bosses but also celebrating the stay-at-home moms because they’re the most boss ladies I know. STOP the mom-shaming. This means celebrating the curvy girls but also celebrating the naturally thin girls. STOP the bodyshaming. This means celebrating the virgins but also celebrating the women who like to have a lot of sex. STOP the slut-shaming. How can we expect to earn the respect of our male peers if we don’t respect each other? We can’t. How can we expect to achieve equity if we aren’t fair and impartial to each other? We can’t. I vote for equity and for celebrating being female in all its forms. Because despite the cramps that cause us to double over, the shower yoga needed to shave our buttholes, and the hormones that make us laugh and cry at the same time, being female is pretty fucking cool.

Making Friends + Ending Friendships

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[Adulting]

By: Tatum Garino

This Is...

hen I was five years old I remember seeing this girl with curly black hair sitting on a basketball at recess and deciding I wanted to be friends with her. So, I walked up to her and asked, “Do you want to be my friend?” Thankfully for my fragile five-year-old ego, she said, “Yes” and so our friendship began. At what age that became an unacceptable way of making friends, I don’t know. But what I do know is that once you finish school, making friends is fucking hard. And the potentially harder thing? Ending friendships. But, as you continue to grow and change and become an adult, sometimes these are necessary evils.

Making Friends: Take advantage of your resources. I know I’m not the only one who thinks it’s hard to make friends in the real world. How do I know? Because there’s a freaking social media app designated to helping us. Meet Bumble BFF. It’s a resource literally at your fingertips dedicated to helping you make friends. You can find people who have similar interests as you and stalk their social media before meeting them. At first, I thought it may be embarrassing to use an app to find friends. But then I realized you both have to be on it to meet! Therefore, if it’s embarrassing for you, it’s embarrassing for her. Call it an instant bonding experience. Still not your thing? Okay, go straight to social media. My Instagram discover page is covered with people I don’t know but definitely want to know. How do I know I want to know them? I get a glimpse into their lives and interests just by a quick visit to their page.

It’s essentially like looking into their soul. Without all of the shitty parts, of course. Because we know social media is a highlight reel. But at least I can see what the good times would look like being her friend! So discover some friends via your discover page – that’s literally why it’s there. Then, slide into some DMs! Just be sure to send a message that you would make you want to respond. Still too risky? Fair enough. Ditch the technology and use your real life resources. I’m talking neighbors, work friends, friends of friends, girlfriends of your significant other’s friends – anyone that you would come into contact with without going outside your regular routine. At the very least, it’s convenient. At the very best, you could end up with a new best friend that lives next door, works at the desk next to you, or can easily join big group events with all of your friends because she already knows them. Take advantage of your commonalities. When becoming friends with the friend of someone you already know, you know you like the same person so the likelihood is you’ll like other similar things, too. But you’re guaranteed to have similar interests when you meet at an event or activity that you both enjoy. Talk to the girl next to you the next time you go to a concert, the gym, a workout class, the mall, or a hobby. If you meet at an event like one of these, small talk is easy because you can instantly talk about your shared love for **insert activity or event here** and then your friendship can naturally blossom. Or, you can reach out to someone you see doing something you want to get into. Want to get into health and fitness or makeup or blogging? Reach out to that trainer at your gym or that coworker whose makeup is always on point or that blogger you follow and ask for some tips. It’ll give her a confidence boost from someone asking for her expertise, it’ll give you a mentor or at least tips for getting into your next hobby, and it may give you both a new friendship.

Take advantage of the unexpected encounters. Finding new friends can be like trying to find that specific dress you saw on Pinterest – you can only find it if you’re not looking. So, stop looking. Live your life and be open to the possibility of meeting someone new. You never know where you’ll meet your next best friend. You may see someone frequently at the coffee shop you go to to study – strike up a conversation the next time you see her! Do you really enjoy your daily five minute conversations with your barista? Make plans to go shopping. Did you hit it off with your waitress at dinner? Leave your number – yes, I’m serious. Just be sure to indicate your number is for purely platonic reasons – unless it’s not. These encounters have no pressure because you’re already talking and living your lives without expectations, but when you vibe, why not take advantage and make a new friend? Just live your life and change your perspective to open your mind to the possibilities of unexpected encounters. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there when it comes to making friends – if you get rejected, just think: you wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t recognize how badass you are anyways. But also be picky in who you choose as friends, otherwise you may end up needing to end a friendship. Let’s be honest, you may end up there anyways.

Ending Friendships: Growing apart from people you were once close to can sometimes be inevitable. But how do you handle the instances when the growth is one-sided? Call it selfish but your happiness and mental health should be your number one priority when it comes to who you allow in your life and who you spend your time and energy on. So, if there’s someone in your life that is constantly taking away from your happiness or having a negative impact on your mental health, it may be time to say goodbye. What that goodbye looks like is up to you. But, I

This Is...

have a few suggestions…

This isn’t about her, this is about you.

Is it worth it?

But wait – what if it is about her?

First decide whether it’d do more harm than good to have a conversation with this friend. Is it possible that this friendship could run its course and naturally disintegrate? If so, maybe it’s best not to address your need for space because it may just unnecessarily hurt your friend. If it’s not necessary to overtly address, just stop making plans with this friend. If she reaches out, feel free to respond but don’t agree to making plans because that will send mixed signals. You’re allowed to say no to plans and you aren’t required to give an explanation.

If your reason for ending the friendship is because of something she’s done or about her in any way, well, embrace the confrontation, my friend! If you’re looking to end a friendship because your friend has continuously wronged you or even just done something unspeakable one time, don’t leave the reasoning for a lost friendship up for debate. Be the bigger person and use this as an opportunity to help a sister out – let her know what she’s done that has hurt you because it’s very possible she wasn’t aware of how her actions were affecting others. And, if that’s the case, maybe this friendship can be salvaged. And if not, at least you can move on in peace and with closure knowing that you took care of your “side of the street”.

Honesty is the best policy. If it’s time to have that chat, I vote that honesty is the best policy but there is a line between being honest and being rude – so don’t cross it. By ending a friendship you aren’t trying to burn a bridge, you’re trying to eliminate the negativity in your life. That negativity may be a negative person or even a negative influence that isn’t the person’s fault but happens to come along with keeping her in your life. Own up to your truth and reasoning for needing your space but don’t place blame because you are the one who chose to become friends and you are the one now choosing to end that friendship. Be truthful but tactful. Is her success making you jealous and putting you in a dark place? Own that. Are your lives going down different paths and you need to surround yourself with people in the same walk of life as you? Express that. Have your priorities shifted and you need to focus on something else in your life? Explain that. Keep the focus on what you need and what you’re looking for in life, not what they are or aren’t doing or who they are or aren’t.

Don’t wait for your opportunity, make your opportunity. If you need to end a friendship, know that it’s not going to be easy, just as it’s not easy to make friends. But just as you should make a point to put yourself out there to make a new friend, you should also make time to end a friendship. Don’t leave the timing up to when she calls you next or when you see her next because that’s just going to leave room for more resentment and awkwardness as she wonders why you waited until she asked you to go out for drinks to deliver her the blow. There’s no easy way to receive the news that your friend no longer wants to be friends so don’t make it worse for her by sneak attacking her amidst a conversation about her new boyfriend – make sure the conversation is about your friendship and only your friendship. You’ll know when it’s time to have the chat and you need to be the one to initiate it.

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This Is...

have never been a budget person. I work hard, pay my bills, then spend my extra money on fun. I've always made more than I've needed and never really wanted for anything. I got married five years ago and quickly learned my "no budget" mentality wasn't exactly sustainable once you bring someone else's bank account into the mix. My husband and I spent a few years trying budgets and different ideas on how to spend our money (and not argue over it), but we never really found something that stuck long-term. We both worked full-time jobs and made the rule that we would only incur bills that we could pay with one income in case something crazy happens and one of us couldn't work for some reason. Our car loan, mortgage, student loans, cell phone, utilities, grocery, gas and other "essential" bills can be paid with only one of us working. This mentality was great because that left the other person's income completely discretionary. We have definitely taken advantage of this discretionary income over the years and gone on fun trips and fancy dinner dates, bought nice things, etc. but I think we can all agree that it's not the best idea to just blow through money like that. We didn't think we needed a budget because we never lived paycheck to paycheck, we maxed out our 401k contributions, we had a savings account that covered a few months of all our expenses and we didn't feel that we would go overboard with spending. There was always money in the checking account and we never carried over a credit card balance into the next month. I left my job about nine months ago and we knew that we needed to find some discipline in our finances. While we could pay our bills on my husband's income, we couldn't afford the fun, carefree lifestyle we'd become accustomed to. We had a credit card balance roll over into the next month and had an interest charge for the first time in our lives and we knew that we needed to come up with a plan and get serious about how we were managing our mon-

This Is... ey. Here's what works for us and the advice I would give to anyone, whether or not you have a lot of money. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University was our answer. It's a financial course that you can sign up for and attend in person or watch videos online. While I will say I'm not 100% onboard with every single thing Dave says, this is an incredible perspective to consider when thinking about how you should be handing your money. He shares that everyone should follow these seven steps to have financial freedom:

a lot more to spend cash than swipe a card, so it's a great accountability tool to sticking to your budget without going over. We also use a tool for irregular income. My husband works overtime occasionally and we never know how much that will be on his paycheck. So, with the irregular income tool, we create a list of things we would like to do with the money if he works overtime. We put each thing in order of importance, so for every extra dollar above our guaranteed income, it has a place to go as well.

1. Have a $1,000 Emergency Fund 2. Pay off all debts (besides your mortgage) using the debt snowball 3. Have a fully funded Emergency Fund (3-6 months of your living expenses) 4. Invest 15% of income 5. College funding for children 6. Pay off home early 7. Build wealth and give

A budget is a great idea in theory. It's even better when you put it to paper. What I've learned, however, is that it's incredibly hard to stick to a budget. The first few months we did this, we were so far off from what we planned at the beginning of the month. We had to adjust and find a way to keep ourselves accountable. What now works for us is to have a weekly "family budget committee meeting" as we call it. We will go over what our budget is for that week and how much we spent the previous week and see if we're over/under. It keeps us on track and allows us to adjust if necessary since things sometimes come up that we forgot to budget for.

We use his budgeting tools to create a budget every month. What I love about it is that it forces you to assign every dollar of income to a category. If you have enough money to cover all your bills, then you still need to assign your discretionary income to something. I wish we could have done this earlier so we could have learned discipline sooner, but hey - better late than never.

For anyone wanting to start out learning how to budget, I would recommend just tracking your expenses for 1-2 months. You'll be surprised by how much you actually spend on different categories compared to what you think you spend (Hello Starbucks!). After you have a good idea of how much you spend, then make a plan before the month starts. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re single, find someone you can share your budget with to have accountability. Plan a weekly sit down to go over your progress and adjust if necessary, then recap at the end of the month while you're making the next month's budget. Use cash as much as you can. If you're into apps, the Every Dollar App is an awesome way to track your spending.

After you create a monthly budget, he has another tool that allows you to break it down per paycheck and know exactly which bills you can pay each time you're paid during the month. He challenges you to use the envelope system, which means for certain budget categories like gas or groceries, you take out the total cash you've allocated for that budget item and only spend from the cash. Once it's gone, it's gone. If you have leftover, you can roll it over to next month or reallocate it. It hurts

As Dave Ramsey would say, live like noone else today so you can live like noone else tomorrow! It's better to have discipline now so you can relax and enjoy later on.

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This Is... By: MacKenzie Martin

y first love: travel. I have grown up with an overwhelming instinct to run. To see new places. To meet new people. And to chase after this love as if my life depended on it. From my first real trip abroad, to the smaller trips I’ve taken, I have always come back a more evolved individual. I realized after my first big trip to Europe in 2014, I finally began to understand myself. It’s cliché, but it was so true. When you travel, you are in a new place where no one knows you. You can finally be the exact version of yourself you’ve always hoped to be. I soon recognized that traveling was the catalyst that propelled me towards some tough decisions. When I traveled, I was seeing the rawest, truest form of myself emerge. It felt so new to feel so complete. I got home from Europe and I recognized that I needed to start making decisions solely based off what I wanted and not what society told me to want. As millennials, we’re taught to get good grades in high school, go to college to earn your degree, then immediately start your career. As some may prefer this plan, I knew from an early age it was not what truly made me happy. When I came back from Europe, I made the decision to take a year off as a sabbatical. There were numerous reasons I needed to take time off, but I knew my truth and it wasn’t to be in school. I stopped worrying about what other’s reactions would be when I left school and started focusing on my next trip. I knew if I was going to really travel, I would need to work full-time, which is exactly what I decided to do. I eventually went back to school after some time and realized that this urge to travel and experience new places would never go away, so I made sure that my choice of study aligned with the lifestyle I wanted to live. I eventually began working in HR at a small startup in Se-

attle where I’m lucky to have the freedom to travel with flexible PTO. I voiced my love for travel in the interviews and boldly asked if they could meet me somewhere in the middle as part of my signing package. They agreed. Although I’m incredibly lucky to have an employer that supports my hobbies, I have to work exceptionally hard to make a priority. Here are a few tips: 1. You want to travel? Make it priority. You don’t have enough money for the trip? Make an expense sheet and see what you may need to cut out in order to financially make it happen. 2. Do your research – Use travel search engines to notify you when trips go on sale. And even if it costs you a 10 hour layover, it may be worth it in order to save a few hundred dollars. Also, always research where you’re heading and learn about the culture prior to your arrival. Respect the people and places you’re going - and that includes being a conscientious traveler (ecotraveling). 3. Talk to locals – After all, they know the best spots. 4. Don’t be afraid to stay in hostels or camp. Some of my very favorite memories were “roughin’ it” and camping or staying in a dodgier hostel to save a buck. 5. Don’t be scared to travel alone. Your biggest transformation will come from solving issues and being self-sufficient. 6. Even if traveling was never on your list, try it anyway. You will only grow from the experiences. 7. Always put what makes you happy in front of anything else. You may find that what makes you happy and feeling a genuine sense of joy may be questioned by another. Don’t lose sight of why you started. Life is too short to be concerned with others. With my love for travel, comes the contradiction it brings when people ask

how I’ve made it work over the years. I struggle with sharing how to make traveling work because I have felt as though it’s somewhat elitist. How could I write about my travel without acknowledging that it was easier when coming from a supportive family who never questioned my decisions? Not everyone is in a position to drop everything (their job, school, various commitments) to purchase a one-way ticket. I was lucky that I was able to move back in with my parents to save money while I saved to buy tickets. Not everyone has this luxury and I’m humbled I had these opportunities. Don’t forget to love where you are. There have been plenty of times where I was just dirt poor and feeling that itch to travel and I always remind myself to do a self-check. Why am I running or needing to experience a foreign place, when there are plenty of hobbies I haven’t tried, people I haven’t met, and hikes I haven’t been to in my own city? I could still experience a similar connection to the earth and communities around me just by investing more in spending time where I already am. Practice mindfulness in where you are. I started to realize in these last few years that it was never really flying somewhere new that brought me fulfillment like I originally thought (although flying somewhere entirely foreign does have its perks). It was about the rawness of my experience. It was always about the times I was crying in my hotel room in Peru from a recent heartbreak and deciding to push myself out of bed to start my Machu Picchu hike and not fly home like I was considering. It was the time my girlfriend and I left half of our food at the trailhead after 10 miles into our four day thru-hike in New Zealand and had to ration food while making the best of the situation. It was the pain in my ankles and knees after a few surgeries while on the trail in Patagonia. These are moments that I will never forget. These are moments that I fought

through to become a stronger, more independent person and to experience my travel at face value. It’s not always pretty, but it’s absolutely always worth it. The best lesson I learned from travel was to make sure you’re constantly pushing yourself past the place you’re most comfortable. Life shouldn’t be comfortable. It should be hard work and a constant evolution bringing us closer to a more mindful, better version of ourselves. We all deserve that. So even if it’s not traveling to a remote European town, or climbing mountains in New Zealand, we have the opportunities in our current situation to experience something NEW the moment you make the decision to follow what makes you happy, the second you begin to travel and learn no matter where you are in the world. The journey of life is traveling itself.

I Wrote a Book

[Inspiring] By: Tatum Garino

t 38-years-old, Shanna Truffini became a published author. Along with “published author,” Shanna’s resume includes mother of two, wife, and full-time General Manager and Creative Director for a women’s clothing and gift boutique in New Jersey. How did she manage to publish a book amidst her mom, wife, and boss babe duties? I was wondering the same thing – so I asked. And Shanna answered with stories of inspiration, persistence, and hard work. Tatum Garino: So, you’re a published author - how does that feel? Shanna Truffini: It feels like I am standing at the base of a gigantic mountain and I am just getting ready to start my climb. Self-publishing my book was easy compared to what I would like to accomplish now that my book is in hand but needless to say, I am ready for this new adventure. TG: Tell me about your book. ST: I look at my book as an invitation to embrace the importance of teaching emotional education to young children. I feel it is just as important as teaching them their ABCs. You Are a Gardener uses ‘gardening vocabulary’ such as flowers, seeds and weeds to help children relate words they are comfortable with and understand to how they feel. My goal is to get this book in the hands of elementary educators, counselors, parents and therapists across the country so we can all speak the same language when it comes to encouraging kids to talk about how they feel, especially the ‘weeds’ that can make them not feel their best. It is time we give our children a voice and empower them with knowing they have the tools it takes to control the way they feel and in turn create a generation of emotionally healthy kids who knows what it takes to #pullyourweeds! TG: Had you always planned or dreamed

of publishing a book or did the idea come out of nowhere? ST: They say necessity is the mother of invention and often that is how I view the inception of my book. When my daughter was five, our family experienced an “unforeseen obstacle” in our path which resulted in her having posttraumatic stress and as much as we did to stay ahead of it, her stress manifested into anticipatory anxiety. I was desperately looking for alternative options to help her cope and it wasn’t until I was working with my friend one day she made the comparison that stress and anxiety are like watering your weeds. This was my lightbulb moment as all day I found myself watering my own weeds and I realized how often I was thinking about things that stressed me out. That night I sat my kids down to share with them what I had experienced that day (my daughter was seven and my son was five) and I started by telling them that they were gardeners growing the most beautiful gardens inside of them. The flowers were the happy things like snuggling and baking cookies and the weeds were the things that make them feel sad or scared or mad. The rest of it all fell in so naturally but when I asked them if they had any “weeds” that day at school I was shocked to hear them so willingly want to tell me the weeds they had experienced that day. I was so taken aback at how these were conversations I was not having with my kids on a daily basis. We talk about who they ate lunch with, gym class, sports, dinner, homework, etc. We were not talking about what they encounter on a day-to-day basis that may stress them out. It was that night after my kids went to bed I wrote You Are a Gardener. TG: How long did it take you to write You Are a Gardener? ST: It took me 15 minutes to write the book “poem”. I knew what I wanted to say and the message I wanted to accomplish. I was so inspired that the words and the rhymes just fell right into place - like they were always meant to be there.

TG: How old were you when it finally published? ST: It was March when I wrote it and I was 38 and since that day my family started to ‘garden’ everyday talking about flowers and weeds and seeds. Slowly but steadily my daughter was improving and the benefits it had on my son who was in kindergarten at the time were remarkable. I always say my kids inspired me to write this book but how it started to change our lives is what motivated me to self-publish it. My dear friend and creative collaborator, Kelsey Delaney, started illustrating the book via watercolor on paper in June and finished by October. Together we laid the book out for print and by December the first run of books were delivered to my door, I was still 38. TG: How has the response been? ST: Steady, encouraging and inspiring. I call this the planting ‘seeds’ phase. As of right now, you can only purchase my book via my website youareagardener. com or I will sell my books locally when I do a ‘gardening workshop’ or book reading. I also have an Instagram/Facebook page as well as a YouTube channel. TG: Have you had a lot of support? ST: Apart from the tremendous push from my kids, h u s b a n d a n d f a m ily, yes I get so much support from

so many people it is overwhelming. With all the parents, teachers, counselors and therapists

I meet with everyone is in agreement that kids’ stress level is at an all time high and they are seeing it younger and younger. There appears to be a strong pattern emerging with this generation of kids becoming emotionally disconnected with all the distractions and pressures put on them. I feel it is our responsibility to put it back together. What I am offering helps and when I get the opportunity to discuss what my system can do to help, the positive feedback and support is unbelievable! TG: Have you had any haters? ST: I wouldn’t say haters but I have definitely encountered those who aren’t ‘weed pullers’. I can tell pretty quickly and I just move on. All people process differently and I don’t expect for everyone to embrace this (yet). TG: Was there ever a time when you felt like you wanted to quit? ST: I’ve been tired and questioned where I will find the time to continue working a full time job, raising a family and simultaneously build the You Are a Gardener brand but quitting never crosses my mind. My family and I were meant to do this. This is the time. TG: What kept you pushing through? ST: This is needed right now. Kids needs this right now, parents needs this right now, teachers needs this right now. What I am offering helps. I am constantly inspired with new ideas on how to plant new seeds of the ‘gardener’ lifestyle. We are consistently making videos and coming up with new ways to get our message out there. Every month my kids make a video YouTube series called Hello Gardeners, which is similar to a Dear Abby for kids while using our gardening vocabulary and solidifying our message (Stay tuned we have big plans for this!). I have also written a curriculum that infuses with most elementary classrooms and I offer in-service workshops to train teachers and staff on how students and schools will thrive from the program. TG: Did the journey ever take a toll on you or your relationships or other responsibilities? ST: If not for nothing this book has brought our family closer together and that in itself is enough for me to call it success story. The bonds that we have because of it are deep rooted, strong, and growing. TG: What advice do you have for anyone else with a dream that may seem impossible? ST: I always say to my kids, “If you can see it in your mind then you can hold it in your hand”. When you feel that passion deep in your gut you have to listen to it and keep looking for the path to get you where you need to go, even if it means carving out your own way. Your passion will never let you fail as long as you learn from every opportunity. Stay YOUR course!

[Healthy]

Fad Diets Cut the Shit

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This Is... By: Sara Boyd

t’s that time of year again. Bikinis, cold water, and dare I say it? FOOD. Its swimsuit season - unless you’re from the Sunshine State where it is swimsuit season year round. (Really, it’s not that great. The humidity kills my hair.) But with swimsuit season comes this notion that we have to look a certain way so everyone will accept us based on our body type. You don’t have an ass like Khloe Kardashian? FORGET IT. Boobs like Sofia Vergara? Looks like I’ll be staying inside all summer. So, what do we do? We turn to quick and “easy” alternatives that help us lose weight - and FAST. We see them everywhere. Paleo diets. Keto diets. JUICING DETOX DIETS. You have probably tried them or at the very least know someone who has. These are often referred to as “Fad Diets”. The dreadful diets that restrict food so we can feel happy within our own body by cutting out food that actually makes us happy. Are these diets effective? They can be. Are these diets beneficial? To some people. Would I ever recommend a fad diet for anyone to try? Absofuckinlutely not. Let me explain

Paleo Paleo diets are considered to be “what the cavemen ate”. Let’s also not forget that “cavewomen” were also a thing and surprisingly ate the same foods. Different topic for a different day. This diet consists of eating meat (beef and pork), fish, vegetables, fruits, nuts. This diet also eliminates dairy, soy, artificial sugar and grains. That’s right. Bread is nixed in this diet because it requires too much processing technology to create. Weight loss is common with this diet because eliminating whole food groups from your food consumption generally causes less caloric intake. Sounds great, right? Eh, just keep reading. By eliminating whole food groups, such as dairy, you are eliminating micronutrients such as calcium and vitamin D which are consumed from fortified dairy products that help our bones live

a long and healthy life. *SIDE NOTE: Think of calcium and vitamin D as longterm lovers. They need each other to be absorbed and without one or the other, they’re just lost and confused.* This diet also glorifies protein intake. It is important to consider not over consuming protein foods and to ensure you have a balanced diet. Because this diet eliminates foods, a lot of consumers fail to research what to replace to guarantee their body is being fueled in proper ways. For example, you want to eat beef and chicken three times a day. With a person that has healthy kidneys, the body has no problem absorbing the protein to use for muscle repair and growth. The downside: your muscles can only absorb a certain amount of protein before it is either flushed out or absorbed in other parts of your body. Now that you have protein covered, what about carbohydrates? In the Paleo diet, carbohydrates must be consumed by fruits and vegetables which could also be beneficial with micronutrient intake. (Remember vitamin D and calcium?! These can be found in broccoli and dark leafy greens combined with fish!) But without whole grains, we could lose out on an excess of energy production since carbohydrates are the main source of fuel production within our body. This furthers the saying that CARBS ARE LIFE. Since paleo does not restrict to portion control, it is possible to obtain your carbohydrate intake from fruits and vegetables but this could also promote over eating and consuming too much of one thing. Yes, paleo is beneficial in eliminating overly processed and high sugar foods. And yes, it does result in weight loss for MOST people. But, eliminating foods from your everyday diet can result in mindfuckery and possible binge eating which is a serious epidemic. Paleo has also been proven by research to not be effective long-term, causing deficiencies and eating disorders across the board. It is important to research and fully understand what your body is doing and what it needs to help you live in this beautiful, cruel

world.

Keto Now, let’s talk about the Keto Diet. You’ve seen it. You’ve heard of it. The hot Instagram model does it (Keto Guido anyone?) so it HAS TO WORK. Let me break it down for you. Ketosis is the state your body enters when it is lacking carbohydrate consumption. When you consume normal portions of carbohydrates, your body runs off energy produced by glucose which is carried by insulin to circulate around the body. Since glucose is used, the fat is not needed and is stored within the body. When we do not consume a high or normal carbohydrate diet, our body creates ketones derived from the fats stored within the liver. To reach this metabolic state, you must consume a diet high in fats and restrict your carb and protein intake. Once this happens, the goal is to keep your body in this metabolic state to burn off the stored fats. You consume food with low to no carbohydrate content (AGAIN with the damn carbs!) which includes the exemption of grains, sugar, fruits, and any vegetable related to the potato. You are encouraged to eat all meats, green vegetables, any above ground vegetable (opposed to underground vegetables, whatever that means), high-fat dairy products, avocados, and nuts. I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell is wrong with losing fat?” Once you enter this state, you start experiencing what is known as the “Keto Flu”. Y’all. You literally experience a food induced flu when participating in this diet. You become lethargic which is mainly caused by the lack of protein-carbohydrate combination and can experience muscle cramping. Partaking in this diet can also cause a lack of muscle growth and was once questioned to deteriorate muscle growth but that has since been proven otherwise. This diet, like all other fad diets, creates the mindset of being obsessed with weight when in reality it should be focused on health. Because the diet is so strict, it hinders you

from enjoying food for what it is. What most people do not consider is how this diet was initially used and how it caught on. Since the early 1900’s, a low-fat diet has been used to help eliminate the symptoms of people living with epilepsy. Research is scarce on the topic but this tactic is used in children’s hospitals around the country to help patients live their lives as normally as possible. Yes, weight loss is a side effect. But what we aren’t going to do is pretend putting grass-fed butter in coffee is a normal routine for our everyday lives. Bottom line: Just cut the shit. Reducing and eliminating processed foods, high sugar foods, etc. will give you the health benefits you’re looking for. Exercise about thirty minutes a day and STILL EAT THE DAMN BROWNIE. In moderation, of course. Your mental well-being is way more important than eliminating whole food groups just so you lose 10 pounds. Eat smart and the rest will follow.

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My body loves food and I love my body! Photo by Damien Robertson

Love At Every weight

This Is...

he struggle is real when it comes to learning to love your body, or at least it has been for me. All of my life I have been athletic and I’d have to say that I fit the description for having an athletic body type. I have muscular thighs (thanks to my German roots), toned arms, a slim waist – you know, attributes that for 27 years, I should have always been very grateful for. But only up until this past year and a half have I really learned to love the skin I’m in. Let me back track and explain why it took me so long to come to grips with this revelation. Have you ever heard the old saying, “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me?” Yeah, that’s a saying that we should ALL take to heart, but when you’re in high school, self-conscious, trying to find your way and fit in to some degree, those words that should never harm you take a tremendous toll on a person. At least I know they did for me. I never looked at myself and thought that I was overweight compared to my peers. I just knew that everyone has a different body type from the next person, and that’s okay. But that didn’t stop bullies from taking a jab at me when they could. Without a shadow of a doubt, I am sure many people (if not everyone) never forget the time(s) they were bullied. What bullies used as their open invitation to pick on me revolved around my thighs. I would be minding my own business and have someone point at me and blurt out in a quiet classroom, “that girl has thunder thighs!” Another time I was bullied was during a local fashion show that I participated in. I had just put on a pair of jeans that I was very excited to wear because they fit like a glove, and I overheard one person say to another, “There’s something in my eye,” and the other replies back, “What? Oh, I thought you said that she has thunder thighs.” They looked at me and snickered and I looked down at my thighs and wondered what could be so wrong with them!? It was gut-wrenching. I only wore one outfit for the show, a blouse with those jeans, and left immediately after. It’s been over 10 years since those incidents. You read that right - it’s been over a decade but those memories never leave you. The bullying makes you second guess your looks, your clothes, your self-worth. It can be so hard growing up in a society where we think we’re supposed to look a certain way, and then to top it off with people actually making remarks about your body is the icing on the cake that you never wanted. I’ve been there and experienced that. I know. So, needless to say, it’s taken me about 25 years, but my revelation finally came, and it hit me hard. I realized that life is way too short to be a prisoner to a bully’s words and my selfconscious thoughts. We all have those thoughts, no doubt, but there definitely comes a time when you need to embrace self-love! So, a year and a half ago, I did just that, and I started weight lifting. I knew I would never come close to being as thin as the models that cover beauty magazines and walk down fashion show runways. I’m not meant to be a size 0, 2, or even a 4. That’s not in my DNA, but what is in my DNA is physical power and muscle. So, I worked on my strengths and refined them! For 18 months, I have weight trained 4-5 days a

week and watched my body transform! I learned to embrace my thighs because they’re strong and they can do amazing things like allow me to squat heavy weight. Plus, I really love how my legs look when I’m wearing a dress or a skirt with high heels. They’re sculpted and it’s awesome! (Remember: don’t be afraid of self-love. It’s important!) I can now happily say that I am toned. I am strong. I am muscular. I am exactly how I am supposed to be. As hard as it can be to learn to love yourself, it is so vital. We’re only given one body. Love it! Embrace all of it! Exude confidence! Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Thin, athletic, curvy – every body type is beautiful. We just have to own the skin we’re in and remember that if someone shames your body, it’s a reflection of that person and their insecurities, not yours! I don’t know what my mindset towards my body would be like today if I had not started weight training, but I do know that making this simple life change, learning to truly love my body and make it stronger instead of trying to hide behind my insecurities has made all of the difference in the world. I am a thick, muscular girl, and I am so proud of that.

Like every woman in the world, talking about my body can be a touchy subject. While I can't say I have struggled with negative body image very often (albeit right now after having a baby), I also haven't been able to say I love my body until a time where it's common for most woman think quite the opposite. I got pregnant when I was 25 years old. I was at that stage of life where I was still slender but my poor eating habits were starting to show in my midsection. I would never have called myself fat by any means but I wouldn't wear tight shirts and I wasn't comfortable in a bikini. My belly didn't pop until I was around 20 weeks pregnant and I was so excited about it. Having a pregnant belly was literally the best. I didn't have to worry about having a food baby. I wore tight shirts to show off my curves. I felt like my butt looked so good because I had some other curves to go along with my normally awkward, beanpole shaped body. My skin was the clearest it's been. My hair was thick and full of life. When you hear people refer to the pregnancy glow, I'm fairly certain I had it if there is such a thing. As I grew bigger, I became more and more comfortable in my skin. I enjoyed getting dressed every day. I loved wearing outfits that showed off my figure. Other than the few days before going into labor when

As someone who has struggled with extreme body issues in the past, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve come to really be intentional at loving my body for its what take me to beautiful places and new adventures.

my hands, feet and face swelled up, I loved the changes my body was going through. Now that I'm about a year and a half after delivering my baby girl, I can't say the same. I have some self-conscious issues about the weight that decided to hang around after the baby left my body. I judge myself for how my stomach looks or how my thighs touch. I am particular about taking pictures to make sure there's a good angle on my face so you can't see my extra chins. I wouldn't say I'm miserably self-conscious but reflecting on the love I felt for myself when I was pregnant, I have room to grow in the department of loving myself at every weight. What helps me to remember that my body is incredible is thinking about what I did. I grew a literal human inside! Like, what?! It's clichĂŠ and I always saw social media posts and heard moms talk about how they're proud of their postpartum bodies and I didn't really understand that feeling, but now I get it. I think that regardless of how I look, I love what I can do with my body. I love what it's capable of. And right now, I'm excited to see how I can show myself love by making healthy choices with diet and exercise instead of having moments of pity on myself for the 20 extra pounds I'm holding onto still.

Until about a year ago I was constantly worried about the number on the scale. Then one day it clicked that if I kept spending time worrying about what other people thought I would never truly be happy with my body! Who cares what the scale says anyway, muscle weighs more than fat!

My body is a temple. Broken down but always able to be rebuilt. My body created not one but two lives and is still standing strong! My body is a dedicated warrior fighting right by my side. My body is different and I love it.

Real or Real Fake? Not all boobs were created equal but they all deserve equal love.

I got boobs because I wanted them. It’s that simple. I know I’m not in the majority but I looked at getting a boob job the same way I look at highlighting my hair or picking out a nail color. I never debated with myself if I should do it or not, I was doing it and no one was stopping me. I didn’t do it for confidence, I didn’t do it because I needed boobs to excel in my career (some do it for modeling/ acting). Growing up my younger sister had huge boobs and every single friend I’ve had from high school through college had bigger, fuller boobs. Mine always looked weird, they weren’t only small - I lost a lot of weight after college and they got extremely small and misshaped. It was at that time when I had the opportunity to get free breast implants through my job. Yes, free. It was like every wish I’ve ever made finally came true. I did my research on the doctor, FaceTimed with him (he wasn’t near me), and looked at A LOT of boobs. I used websites like Sculpt

I met my doctor in person the day before my surgery. He looked at my breasts and told me that my breasts were medically misshaped (I wasn’t going crazy!) - my breast tissues gathered closer to my nipple which gave them a cone shape! We chose my implant size but I ended up going down a size in each breast the morning of my surgery (I’m happy I did!). My final size is 375cc in my left and a 425cc on my right. That’s how different my boobs were. CCs are measured in increments of 25 which means mine were “two sizes” off! Even though I don’t follow cup sizes I was an A/B and afterwards I’m anything from a C to an E. Really, that’s how crazy cup sizes are. Want to know what’s even crazier? I wear a size small sports bra - across the board. My boobs are pretty big! I was so happy when I woke up from my surgery I yelled, “What the fuck!?” For reals though, best decision I have ever made. I LOVE MY BOOBS!!!

34 A Most days I appreciate my boobs when it comes to things like working out - my sister-in-law has to wear three sports bras when she works out or else she's in pain while running. I also appreciate the fact that I can wear lower tops and dresses and not have to worry about busting out of them or looking inappropriate at work or other events. I also think that huge boobs can sometimes make a person look top heavy. One of my best friends in high school got a boob reduction because of her back pain and she is such a small person in general so it made the biggest difference in appearance once she had a smaller chest. She also had a lot more confidence in herself and how she looked after the reduction. I have joked (semi-seriously) about getting a boob job for years. I was in high school and I remember all of my friends had grown boobs and I was still looking down at mine like, what gives? I would be so self-conscious about going to pool parties, or wearing tank tops and not having any cleavage. I was

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34 C-E

my Dream to shape what my body type would look like with different sizes. I also went to ImplantInfo.com where I learned everything about breast implants. One of the rules my doctor gave me was to stop looking at cup sizes but rather choose what I want my boobs to LOOK like. It made life so much easier. Cup sizes are different everywhere.

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that 14-year-old girl who spent way too much money on a Victoria's Secret push up bra that didn't even help that much. Now that I'm 24 and paying rent in Chicago, I think the price is probably a big reason why I haven't gotten one. Another big reason is the fact that I'm worried they would look totally fake. If you get a boob job you want to make sure they look as real as possible. I would HATE for someone to look at me and be like "yikes, you can totally tell she got a boob job" as I have done to others, so I know it happens. I also think it just comes down to me not caring enough to get one. The idea of having bigger boobs sounds nice some days but not enough to do something about it. To be totally transparent, I don't love my boobs but I have grown to be fine with them and actually prefer them over what my imaginary boob job would look like by what I like to wear. I wore a deep V-neck dress to a party and in my opinion it looked great because there wasn't a lot of cleavage and it was a classier look. I also couldn't bear to catch people looking at my chest if I had huge boobs - it would honestly weird me out. Having small boobs has a lot more perks than I would've thought at 14.

34 DDD

32 C Truthfully I see boobs as boobs – nothing special about them. I am sure one day when I have babies I will appreciate them more but for now they are just there. I’ve never considered getting a boob job – no way! Nothing against anyone who gets boob jobs but personally I’m okay with my smallish boobs. I’m athletic and I think it would be annoying to work out with big boobs. My boobs are definitely not Rachel’s from Friends and I don’t think I’ve ever looked down and been like, “I love you, boobs!” But I also don’t really have anything against them. They’re a part of me and that’s that!

36 C I was always happy with my body – my boobs weren’t huge but they weren’t small, they were proportionate with my body. I had two children and nursed both of them and the aftermath was what I called two deflated balloons. After wearing extremely padded bras because I felt so ugly, I decided to get breast augmentation. I didn’t go any larger, I just wanted my body back. I have no regrets – I don’t show them off and nobody is the wiser. I don’t regret my choice because I feel the same as I used to with my before body and I nursed two babies that are happy and healthy because I was able to nourish them.

I have wanted a boob just since I was 13-years-old. In junior high, I sat at the lunch table with my group of friends and one of the girls called my "chest" mosquito bites. It didn't really bother me too much in that moment but I still thought about that lunch conversation for many years after. It's had always been the running joke among my friends and family that I was flat chested. I made jokes about myself because I didn't like that I looked like a boy in the chest, so humor helped ease the frustration a bit. My mom told me that I could still grow boobs until I was 21. I'm not sure where that age came from but I dutifully waited until I was 21 and still nothing. I decided that I would for sure get a boob job one day. I went on birth control and was told that it makes your boobs bigger. It didn't for me and I was disappointed. Then I was told that eating chicken grows your boobs. It doesn't. The last "natural" option left in my mind was getting pregnant. I decided that I would wait until after I had a baby to make the decision to get implants. I got pregnant, didn't grow a cup size at all (just band size - hello weight gain) and after I was done with breast feeding, my 32A boobs got even smaller. They really were mosquito bites. I scheduled the surgery for three months after I gave birth. People have always told me that I am beautiful the way I am. My husband loved my body with or without a boob job. I wasn't someone with self-confidence issues because of my flat chest, I just

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34 DDD Continued

didn't like it. I made the decision to get a boob job because I wanted to feel more feminine. I wanted to be able to wear a swimsuit and have cleavage. I wanted to be able to have a chest that could be seen through a sweatshirt. I wanted to be able to fit into lingerie. I didn't get it to be "hotter" or show them off, I just did it for me. It's been a little over a year since I got them and I don't regret anything. I LOVE my new boobs. I love that I can wear a sports bra by itself (I used to wear a push up bra under a sports bra before my surgery). I love that I can fill out a swim suit. I am surprised at how differently I need to shop for tops now. I had to get rid of almost all my tops because big boobs don't look good in the styles I wore when I was flat. I don't show them off to the world, but I love wearing shirts that show a lot of cleavage at home. I still get pleasantly surprised when I look in the mirror after the shower and see boobs or when I lay down in bed and still have a chest. I made the choice for myself and I have no regrets.

36 C

32 B

I appreciate my boobs – they’re perky, small enough to be hidden and put out of the way in a sports bra, but they’re big enough to show off in the right outfit. I’ve never considered getting a boob job but maybe getting them lifted when I’m in my 40s or 50s and they’re saggy. Only if that won’t require them to put an implant in. I’ve always thought my boobs were kind of small but honestly I love them because my boyfriend loves them. They’re mine and they’re his and they do the job for us both so I love them and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of them.

I didn’t always appreciate my boobs, but once I learned to embrace their size, I started appreciating and loving them. Getting a boob job has been a passing thought but I’ve never actually considered it. I hated my boobs growing up – I was a late bloomer (like very late). I was flat chested through most of high school and when my boobs did (finally) come in, there wasn’t much there. But I learned to embrace them. They fit my body type and now I really love them and love having fun with bralettes and open back tops!

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At this time I hadn’t seen my special someone in probably a month. So of course once we met up we didn’t waste any time going at it. He starts going down on me and then suddenly stops, sits back, pand picks something off his tongue. I say, “What’s wrong?” Showing me something white and moist, he asks, “What the fuck is this?” I looked at it and recognized it immediately. ”Oh, umm, it’s toilet paper.” He started laughing (Oh thank God!). I then said with relief and laughter, “Hey, at least you know that I wipe!” Then we continued with the fun! There’s always going to be very very embarrassing moments during your most passionate moments with your special someone. This was mine.

Online dating, what a joke. For anyone who is jealous that they were snatched up before the age of Tinder, think again. All the excitement is taken out of the game as you know from the get-go that they’re deciding if you’re worthy of a second date. Well in my case, vice versa. I agree to go to a college hockey game as a first date, followed by a brewery nearby. The game went alright - we walked to the brewery (where we parked our cars to walk to the game) and decided to listen to a song we discussed during the game in his car - first error. Out of the blue, after this song (which was horrible, by the way) he goes, “Want to see a video I just watched last night?” Natural response, “Sure.” The man proceeds to open a YouTube video of some Russian dude explaining how to stimulate the g-spot using a rubber vagina. It’s a 20 minute video. Meanwhile, I’m secretly rummaging in my purse for a bobby pin as a potential weapon until I can make my escape. Who shows that video to someone you just met three hours ago!? I guess in his defense he was educating himself. P.S. This was my first online dating experience - I’d call it a success.

Sincerely, Guaranteed Wiper

Sincerely, Bobby Pin Warrior

My friend and I went to a cheesy concert and there was a guy a few people ahead of us who was kind of good looking. We ended up talking that night and two dates followed. I was ready to move out of my parents’ house and showed him the furniture I was planning on getting. At this point I really wasn’t feeling it, yet he invited me to his house for “dinner”. I said, “Yes” even though I really didn’t want to.

Sincerely, Lingerie Lover

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People!!! I showed up to his house and he had bought all the furniture I showed him I wanted! He then said now I can move in and proceeded to ask me to go upstairs to see something else. Even though I was creeped out as shit I went upstairs. I sat on the end of his bed as he went into his closet. I waited for approximately ten minutes and he walked out with a pink tank top and green flip flops…NOTHING ELSE. And then he said, “So should we get this going on?” I think that was his idea of men’s lingerie?! Thank God I had my car there!

This Is... “How the hell did I get here?!” has run through my head so many times in the last few years, and I’m not always specifically thinking about being in Canada. I always knew life had twists and turns but it still catches me by surprise sometimes. And sometimes that surprise is pleasant and sometimes… well it’s not. One of those times was not too long after my first proper date Post-D(ivorce), when my confidence had been boosted by that experience. Though let’s keep this in context, I was still feeling like bambi on ice when it came to dating, maybe just slightly thicker ice. I think I also wanted to keep the ball rolling, so I ended up planning two first dates in one day, which was the first part of the “How the hell did I get here?!” thought. I could barely get myself out the house for one date a few weeks prior and now I was planning two in one day. Bold. It really wasn’t my intention to double book myself though, but I’d been chatting with both of these guys for a little while and for whatever reason hadn’t been able to meet up with either of them until this particular Saturday. So when one of them wanted to do daytime and one of them wanted to do evening, it just seemed efficient to fit both in. And who doesn’t love efficiency? “The day of 2 dates” started off with a coffee date with a 29-year-old Brazilian, who worked in the film industry. He was friendly, softly spoken, passionate about a lot of different things, including coffee - hence the coffee date. And I went along with his suggestion because I’m agreeable, I guess? Plus, I figured suggesting midday drinks might have a been a little aggressive. The one thing I didn’t mention to him was that I don’t actually drink coffee - never have. Love coffee flavored everything, except coffee itself. But coffee shops don’t just serve coffee so it would be fine. Or at least it would have been if I hadn’t ended up distracted when I first arrived and so ended up having him order me a double macchiato.

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The distraction was my fault. Well, maybe my girlfriends’ faults. Every chat, every online match, every date I had was poured over by my gorgeously witty

girlfriends who offered their opinions, questions and warnings. In the case of the Brazilian, while carefully studying his dating app profile pics one of them pointed out his double full arm sleeve tattoos. Despite the eight hour time difference between half of our group chat, a ridiculously quick message was sent from the other side of the pond saying, “Um, I don’t think that’s tattoos, I think that’s hair”. And hence was born his nickname Hairy Tattoo Guy. Leading up to the date, it was talked about extensively. On arrival to the super cute coffee place that we’d decided on, all I could do was be distracted by the peek of (admittedly very hairy and definitely not tattooed) forearm. Trying desperately not to stare, stifling a laugh, and resisting the urge to text the team was enough to make me only be able to glance up at the menu and order the first thing I saw. Double macchiato it was. The reason I ordered a SECOND one of these about 45 minutes later when he suggested we got another one, is beyond me. Maybe it’s part of my want to not ever feel flustered. I hate not knowing where I’m going or what to order or even that feeling when you walk in a restaurant to meet someone and you spend the first 30 seconds searching aimlessly for them. I hate it. So I’ve always just employed a strategy of “don’t hesitate and just sound/look/act like you know what you’re doing”. It doesn’t always work out. Like now. But the coffee was good, there was a buzzy atmosphere in this local neighborhood coffee shop and we covered a great range of topics. He was easy to talk to, which is always the least you can hope for on first meeting someone. The date finished with him walking me home and then attempting to kiss me on the street across from my apartment, which horrified me. In part because PDAs were something I had forgotten all about and I’m not a teenager anymore. Plus, I wasn’t really attracted to him (nothing to do with his arms, tattooed or otherwise).

I headed back upstairs for what was supposed to be a quiet couple of hours, watching some TV, filing my date report in the group chat (obviously) and then prepping for the next date. Turns out the caffeine I’d thrown back earlier had other ideas. Almost as soon as I sat down on the sofa, I started to feel pretty unwell. My heart was RACING. My stomach was CRAMPING. And my head was POUNDING. At first it didn’t click that it might be the caffeine. For the past year, I’d been struggling with very regular fainting spells and I thought this was maybe a next level of that. Turns out, no. It’s just what will happen to you if you drink two double macchiatos. Did I mention I was also running on a pretty empty stomach? Yeah, fun times. I won’t go into the gory details but suffice to say I now understand when people say “that coffee went straight through me”. It was grim. Did I mention I also had the sweats? Real nice. So realizing I probably needed to rehydrate myself and after talking to a friend who assured me it must be from my caffeine overdose, I set about trying to make the decision as to whether to cancel date two or not - as if there was actually any decision to be made. Turns out by the time I’d made that decision, I realized that date two would have been on his way from where he lived. Shit. Literally. And rather than just tell him to turn around because he was about to go on a date with a sweating, jittery, loose bellied mess, I figured that

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That’s when the real thought of “how the hell did I get here?!” occurred. I realized not only did I have to go on a first date feeling like this, I also had to go on a first date to a Mexican restaurant feeling like this. Now, I love Mexican food. Ordinarily I can’t get enough of guac and jalapeños and refried beans and carnitas. Today, the thought of it literally made my stomach wobble. So in route to the Mexican restaurant, which was, thankfully, only one block from my apartment, I stopped in at the pharmacy across the street (yep, right where Hairy Tattoo Guy had tried to kiss me earlier) and picked up some Imodium. Probably not the normal pre-date pharmacy shopping list, if you know what I mean? The smell as I walked into the restaurant almost turned me straight back around. I arrived first so I chugged 2 glasses of water before he arrived. He being a 34-year-old Canadian (I only point out nationality as it becomes relevant later in my dating story) who worked in insurance and lived in a basement suite in a suburb of Vancouver. He was nice, a little nervous it seemed, but engaging and funny. Meanwhile I was attempting to not sweat over the table and trying to keep my toilet trips to a minimum. The Imodium felt like it took a loooong time to kick in. I also couldn’t decide what to order and, for the first time probably ever, declined the obligatory chips and salsa. They’re called obligatory for a reason, people. When my food arrived, I became one of those horrible dates that just push their food around their plate and don’t really eat. When normally, in real life, when I don’t feel like my stomach is going to fall out, I am not shy about eating on a first date or otherwise. I’m almost constantly able to eat and the words “I can’t, I’m full” very rarely pass my lips, and I’m not ashamed of it. I wanted to address with him the fact that I wasn’t at my best during the date but I didn’t really want to have to answer too many questions. Barely an hour later I’d managed to hide some of my steak, rice and beans under the tortilla that came with it, he’d got the check and I was heading for the hills, AKA my own bathroom. I barely even stopped to hug him properly and I may or may not have broken into a slight run as I crossed the road back to my building. Later that evening when I was feeling better and all

the water and the Imodium had taken effect, I texted him to thank him for dinner and admitted I hadn’t been feeling my best but would love to see him again if he wanted to. He replied saying he hadn’t noticed anything and if that wasn’t even me at my best then he’d love to see me again. I wasn’t sure whether to believe him (Hi there trust issues, but also I was a mess how could he not have noticed?!) but I wasn’t about to question it so I took the compliment and vowed to myself never to plan dates with different guys in the same day again. I couldn’t help but feel there was something very karmic about it turning out the way it did. I should have been fully engaged in each date, not being half present and trying to fit them both in because it worked for my diary. And, for the most part at least, I have stuck to that vow since. I’ve found myself in a number of situations while dating that I can’t work out if I’ve crossed the boundary of human decency, if I’m just too naive or if this is “just how it is in [insert year here]”. This was definitely one of them. I’d never dated multiple people at the same time. I’d been with one person for the entirety of my 20’s and prior to that I’d had a couple of high school boyfriends so chatting to, flirting with, or dating multiple people is not something I’d ever done before. It wasn’t something I was instantly comfortable with. My go-to now, when I’m querying a situation like that, is “How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot?” I can’t say I’d mind if someone had been on another date earlier in the day before going on a date with me, or vice versa, but at the end of the day no one’s going anywhere, there’s time to have dates on different days so why even put myself in a position where I question my morals and karma comes back round to kick my ass? I never did see Hairy Tattoo Guy again, despite him enquiring about a second date. I just didn’t feel like we had very much in common, apart from maybe both moving to the city from somewhere else, but that goes for about 90% of the population here and I’m not about to date them all. And despite the mess I was on my second date of the day, I did actually go out with that guy again. Sincerely, Divorced + Dating at 30

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the polite thing to do was just to suck it up and get on with it.

[Newsworthy]

We Started a Business

The Boudoir Party

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eet the minds behind The Boudoir Party. Ashley & Kayla are two friends who met in college and have been ‘doing life’ together ever since. After majoring in PR/Advertis-ing from Chapman University, Kayla has gradu-ated her skills to a major food, beverage, event company (100inc Agency), while Ashley has taken her customer service skills to the sky as a flight attendant at jetBlue Airways. For the last 5 years, they have both traveled all over the world, mostly together. Whether making photo magic at a wedding, traveling for fun, or just lounging poolside, they believe they’re always at their best when they’re side by side. Most of all, they believe in the power of documentation and they love to help others freeze special moments in time. And together, they created The Boudoir Party.

Tatum Garino: How does it feel to be business owners? Ashley + Kayla: Being that we both own our own separate businesses, it has been completely rewarding to join efforts and start this new venture together. We both bring our different strengths to the business, which helps conquer any obstacles a new business may face. We are excited to grow organically over social media and other platforms and leverage support from other related businesses and companies that we can mutually benefit from. TG: Tell me about your business. A + K: The Boudoir Party is an exclusive event, catered for ladies to celebrate self-love with their closest and dearest girl tribe. Designed for women, by women, the company originated on the idea that a bride and her friends could pamper themselves in such a way that they feel their absolute strongest and most beautiful selves before posing in front of a camera for a boudoir shoot. Whether the group is celebrating a bachelorette, wanting to throw a fun party, or simply hoping to surprise someone with sexy photos, we make it a celebration! Mix together some champagne, high heels, makeup, and lingerie, and any babe will

By: Tatum Garino

be more than prepared for a unique and powerful boudoir experience. TG: How did the idea of your business come to you guys? A + K: Due to our backgrounds in wedding photography over the years, we noticed that during a bride’s “getting ready” photos, there were so many details that all the ladies brought to use and so little time to capture them all. From coordinated lingerie and robes, to shoes and jewelry, to the joyful popping of champagne bottles, we saw a need for these moments to be cherished on another level. Enter: The Boudoir Party. We're offering a leisurely, fun pre-wedding day party experience which provides ladies with even more quality time with their closest friends. While the bride will have a dedicated one-on-one session, The Boudoir Party is designed to include her closest friends in group photos as well. It's like no other party out there - the laughs, the toasts, the fun - we want every girl to remember how it feels to be loved, supported by others, and kickass in the skin they're in. TG: What was your motivation/inspiration?

A + K: Throughout our careers in photography, we’ve both enjoyed the smaller, one-on-one portraiture sessions with people - you really get to know your subject throughout the shoot and have more time to capture who they truly are. With this in mind, along with our love for making women feel beautiful, we have figured out a way to get shy, timid and nervous ladies to open up and feel sexy and confident in front of our lens. It really is a life-changing experience for our clients. TG: What made you decide to do it together? A + K: The reason we decided to build this brand together is because the experience we offer embodies that exact idea. We are Babes Supporting Babes a girl team that constantly encourages one another and builds each other up when the other may not know where to turn next. We let each other capitalize on our own strengths and the shared experience is very rewarding. We are firm believers that teamwork makes the dream work. TG: How long did it take you to launch? A + K: The concept of our business started on a cocktail napkin, coming

This Is... home from a spontaneous vacay we took together to St. Maarten. It was on that plane ride where we brainstormed a brand name, potential Instagram handles, and story boarded words for a company motto. From there, our concept grew, our ideas were bounced off of other photographer friends and past clients, and in one year’s time, The Boudoir Party was born. The launch happened (again over cocktail napkins) on March 26th, 2018. TG: What did you have to do before launching? A + K: Before launching, we knew we needed a solid name, a memorable handle and quality content for a website. We knew that once things sound good on paper, the next step is making sure the service or product advertised can actually be executed. From there we decided to gather some friends together and bring The Boudoir Party to life through a mock shoot. The content we created during that session, combined with the multiple individual shoots we’ve had ladies book with us, showcases what we do as boudoir photographers. And, the response to this content has been even better than we anticipated - we requested testimonials and sent surveys post-shoot, and every girl has left their experience feeling so beautiful, confident and empowered. TG: How old were you both when you launched? A + K: We launched this year. Both February babies, we launched shortly after celebrating our birthdays. Ashley turned 30 on the 10th, and Kayla turned 29 on the 24th.

ible. We have stirred lots of interest in the wedding, bachelorette planning and lingerie party community, and we are more interested in growing our followers organically, rather than buying them. We want women to know they are getting a unique experience with us, and that there are real people - real women - behind the website and social platforms answering their questions and chatting with them on Instagram. Most of all, we want to make sure ladies feel absolutely comfortable while in front of our cameras, and to love what they see when it comes to the finished product. The responses from our clients have been nothing but positive. TG: Have you had a lot of support? A + K: The #babessupportingbabes movement has been such an appropriate outlet for us. As we continue to reach out to like-companies and hold calls with potential businesses to collaborate with, our support system is growing daily. TG: Have you had any haters? A + K: So far, no haters! TG: Was there ever a time when you felt like you wanted to quit? A +K: Even though we each lead busy lives, both professionally and socially, we’ve always felt this business was a good fit for us. We’ve only had a desire to move forward and we are constantly thinking about new ways to expand and

continue to empower others. TG: Has it ever taken a toll on you or your relationships or other responsibilities? A + K: Luckily, we are extremely supported by “our people”. Starting a business, in general, can be stressful and time consuming, but we understand that a balanced work and personal life will strengthen us. We try very hard to avoid any tolls or tension that our work brings us, and instead, lean a lot on the closeness and support of close friends, family and our significant others. TG: What has kept you pushing through the tougher times? A + K: Our company thrives on one main purpose and that idea is what keeps us inspired and excited. Our motto is: to uplift, empower and encourage the natural beauty of a bride and her besties. TG: What advice do you have for people who want to start their own business? A + K: Go for it. If you have an idea, find people around you that will keep you motivated. Find something you love and it will never feel like work. TG: What advice do you have for people who don't think it's possible to turn their idea into a business? A + K: Prioritize everything in your life and find balance. It’s extremely important to spend time doing things that aren’t just 'work'.

TG: Is this your side hustle or full time job? A + K: For now, this is still part-time for us. A lot of our photography work, however, dictates the time we spend working at our full-time jobs. Since Kayla works about 90% remote, and Ashley’s time flying for jetBlue is flexible, we have both dedicated our energy toward making this part-time business a top priority.

The Boudoir Party

TG: How has the response been since launching? A + K: The responses have been incred-

[arty time]

When the sun comes out to play, don’t leave it hanging. Ditch the indoor venues and even your backyard this summer and head to the beach to let the ocean and its waves be your party’s backdrop. Here are some of our tips for throwing a beachin’ summer party.

Set the mood. Décor can be a game changer when it comes to setting the mood of a party – so make sure none of your guests feel left out! Bring the shade for those who want to avoid the sun but didn’t want to miss the party and be prepared with a bonfire for when it starts to get chilly (check your local beach’s website to make sure fires are allowed on the beach before you go!). Beach blankets, towels, and pillows are a nice touch, too.

Accessorize Fun floaties and good tunes are not only great sidekicks to the main event but they serve as trendy décor, too!

Feed the people. Bring the fun! Playing in the sand is not limited to building sandcastles – bust out the cornhole and ladder golf during the day and then line the beach volleyball net with lights to keep the fun going into the night. We suggest buying some battery powered string lights so you don’t have to worry about a power source!

A party isn’t a party without the food. Because you’re venue is in the sun, make sure you have refreshing options. We love these watermelon slices on a stick – they’re as refreshing as popsicles but you don’t have to worry about them melting! Also, don’t forget the water – or the rosè. For the main course, barbecue is the only option. Plus, a lot of beaches have grills right on the beach for you to use! When it’s time for dessert, s’mores are the only option. So long as fires are permitted, that is!

[generous]

The

Kit Gifts

When it comes to gift-giving, sometimes it’s hard to choose just one thing to gift. Other times, it’s hard to even find one thing to give. But fret no more, we have your solution – the kit gift. With our kit ideas below, you can gift a lot of things in one if your concern is only buying one thing or you can stop worrying about what to get and steal one of these options if your concern is not knowing what to get! You can always create your own kit, as well. Our biggest piece of advice when creating a gift kit? Keep it centered on a theme. This could be the event, like our Mom’s Day Off Spa Kit for Mother’s Day, or an item, like our Pineapple-themed birthday kit.

Mom’s Day Off Spa Kit Ingredients: Face mask, weighted eye mask, nail polish, bath bomb, body lotion, hand lotion, body scrub, candle, lip mask, and of course her favorite bottle of wine!

Pineapple Themed Birthday Kit Ingredients: Pineapple candle, pineapple coasters, pineapple wine stopper, stemless wine glass, wild freesia and pineapple scented soap. We suggest pairing this kit with a bottle of wine made to look like a pineapple – how cute!

Sangria Kit This could really be made into a kit for any cocktail of your choice – this one is just supremely aesthetically pleasing. Ingredients: Drink dispenser, bottle of wine (white or red), different varieties of fruit, wooden spoon, and a pretty ribbon!

Wedding Day Kit Ingredients: Mints, water, bobby pins, nail polish, deodorant, perfume, sew kit, lipgloss/lipstick, champagne, hairspray, a note, and be sure to label everything!

The Summer of ‘69, 49 Years Later As of this summer, Woodstock and the summer of ’69 will be 49 years old. They say all good things must come to an end – but sometimes the best things begin again. And Woodstock definitely had some of the best things – style, music, and a way of life. So this summer, we’re heading into the season with good vibes and good shit that remind us of the iconic occasion.

[Good Shit]

Pinte

[Yours] Well, they could be.

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1. La cantina bamboo crossbody bag - Vici 2. Denim overall dress - Forever 21 3. Madeira tan and white striped tie-front crop top - Lulus 4. In no time white strapless crop top - Lulus 5. Open weave natural straw tassel tote bag - World Market 6. Mom jean - American Eagle 7. Bandeau floral high cut plus size bikini set - Zaful 8. Magic dance border print kimono - Free People 9. Butterfly crew neck tee - Urban Outfitters 10. Sun baby tan straw hat - Lulus 11. High on summertime two piece set - Bella & Bloom Boutique

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1. Warm brown tapestry woven area rug - Target 2. Gold square bar cart - Pier 1 3. Wooden bowl set of 4 - Pier 1 4. Blue matte glass peel and stick wall tile - Home Depot 5. Charlton 1-light foyer pendant - Wayfair 6. Query white and walnut round dining table - Coleman Furniture 7. Tig indoor/outdoor white metal dining chair - Crate & Barrel 8. Sketched floral medallion shower curtain - Urban Outfitters 9. Safavieh hand-woven sheepskin pelt white shag rug - Overstock 10. Dawson antique brass pharmacy floor lamp - Lamps Plus