This Is... Winter 2019

This Is...

This Is...

Winter 2019 Edition

Winter 2019 Edition

Sara Boyd

A trip down memory lane.

Inspiring We Are The Swimsuit

The World: National Parks Edition

The

Acceptance Read about Accepting your body when it changes after having a baby, compliments that aren’t physical, learning when it’s time to move on and being okay with it and more!

Issue 1

ME

HEALTHY

01

Letter From The Editor

REAL

32

35

I Tried Beach Body’s 21 Day Fix and Here’s How it Went Not Your Pre-Mama Body

02

A Rockey Journey to Acceptance

VULNERABLE

LAUGH OUT LOUD WORTHY

09

Just Walk Away

37 My Most Embarassing Moment of 2018

LOVE

NEWSWORTHY

11

I Unkowingly Married an Addict

39

Radiate Healthy Living

FAILURE

GENEROUS

15

#LifeGoals Reimagined

OPINIONATED

46 Compliments That Aren’t Physical

19

On Flu Shots

ADULTING

21

Getting Rid of Religion

48 Orange Cake & Champagne Buttercream 50 TV Show Themed Parties

HOW-TO

PARTY TIME

GOOD SHIT

Make Friends in a Siloed World

52

Your Favorite Things In 2018

THE WORLD

YOURS

27

National Parks Edition

54

Closet Haul with Bucher Styling

INSPIRING

30

Wear The Swimsuit

25

This Is...

[Me]

H A letter from the editor.

i Friends!

Acceptance. Ask Google what acceptance means and you’ll get “the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable” but ask me and I think it’s a bit more nuanced than that. First of all, I don’t think acceptance is an action or process, it’s a journey. You can argue with me (as always) that process is akin to journey but I think a “process” sounds too rigid and formulaic and doesn’t leave room to maneuver, adventure and create your own version.

A journey lets you experience and learn along the way. Beyond that, I do agree that the acceptance journey’s goal is to be received as adequate or suitable but I think Google’s definition is missing a piece – adequate and suitable to whom?

In my definition, I answer that question with the only person’s opinion that matters – yours.

So, if your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters, why do we spend so much time caring about other people’s opinions of us? Moreover, why do we spend even more time judging and sharing our opinions of others? In a social climate where we preach acceptance and women’s equality I feel as though body shaming, mommy shaming, slut shaming and the like are at an all time high - Smaller than a size six? You need to eat a burger. Bigger than a size six? You need to hit the gym. Stay at home mom? Why don’t you have a side hustle? Badass boss babe? Why are you neglecting your family? Kiss your kids goodbye? Make sure you don’t kiss them too long. We talk the talk of acceptance but we don’t always walk the walk.

So, I vote that we not only preach acceptance but we practice it, too. Let’s learn to accept ourselves and each other. I truly believe that only then can we honor ourselves, recognize our worth, and support each other.

Now, it won’t happen overnight – like I said, it’s a journey. And a really freaking difficult one at that. But, we have to start somewhere so I pledge that This Is… my start. I’m putting it out there for you to keep me accountable and support me in my journey to acceptance.

If you want to join me on this journey then I introduce you to the Winter 2019 edition of This Is… – The Acceptance Issue where we’ll take a scrapbook-inspired journey through the stories of real women on the road to acceptance.

Sincerely an editor on her way to acceptance,

P.S. I owe you all a HUGE thank you because as of this issue we have been publishing for an entire year and we couldn’t do it without you! Thanks to your contributions, your feedback, your ideas, and your readership we have been able to continue sharing your stories and cutting out the bullshit – so thank you. Here’s to a year and many more to come (hopefully)!

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This Is...

A Rocky Journey to Acceptance with Sara Boyd

By: Tatum Garino

2

This Is...

S

ara Boyd hasn’t had an easy life.

She’s experienced more loss than I can imagine and had experiences that would make me want to hide away from the world. And yet, here she is, willing and wanting to share her raw, vulnerable story of miscarriage, a rocky relationship with her father, sexual discovery, partying too hard, and more with you so that if you’ve had an experience like any one of her many you will know you are not alone. And I guarantee you’ll be able to relate to her because she’s real, open, and honest.

So much so that when we were planning to do this interview, the synopsis she sent me of her life story caused me to completely change the format of how we would share it. Usually, this section would be 100% interview style but after reading about Sara’s life from her perspective, I didn’t want to change a single word. So I didn’t. Instead, you’ll read Sara’s story as she sent it and then you’ll get to read about how it has all affected her and her journey to acceptance in the interview we conducted after. Get ready to feel things, because This Is... Sara’s story.

My story isn’t that exciting or different than the next person. I have endured more than some and a lot less than others. I was born in Lakeland, Florida. I lived there with my mom, dad and my younger brother until I was 5 when we moved to a small town 45 minutes outside of Gainesville, Florida named Bell.

You want to talk about country living, that was the definition. We lived on 10 acres in a two bedroom single wide trailer. We eventually upgraded to a double wide. I was never embarrassed or realized trailer living was frowned upon until later in life. Around there, it was luxury to have an actual house.

That house holds a lot of memories and I am not sure I would have it any other way. My parents fought a lot behind the scenes and, looking back on it now, I knew they were miserable. They finally divorced when I was 9. I’ll never forget the day my dad left. I was playing a Titanic game on the computer that I received for a Christmas gift. I begged them to let me open it before actual

Christmas because it was under the tree for what seemed like an eternity.

But, because I remember this, I know It was close to Christmas; either right before or right after. He came to me crying saying he had to leave for a while.

What was a 9 year old to do but cry? I didn’t understand. I have never enjoyed Christmas since. When he left, I was told he slept in his truck. Most likely to make my mom feel guilty for telling him she wanted a divorce. Or, for other unknown reasons that I will never know.

Eventually, he came back and my mom left to live in an apartment in Gainesville. She started going back to school and also started dating here and there.

Looking back, I am proud of her for not living the secluded lifestyle she felt forced into. After she left, my brother and I stayed with my dad. It was rough.

My dad and I didn’t get along from about the age of 11 till 25. Maybe even later than that. Living with a single dad was hard. Especially as a preteen going through puberty. Your dad buying you pads/tampons and not understanding bras and makeup was very difficult.

I rebelled a lot once I got into middle school. Lying, skipping cheer practice to hang out with my boyfriend at the time.

Typical troubled child actions. My dad, at this time, was always angry hearted.

Negative. Sad. The holidays were the worst as well. Every Christmas was difficult for him to afford gifts, as it is for most single parents. He worked 2 jobs and sold drugs on the side (I didn’t find this out till way later in life) just to pay the light and water bill. My granny, his mom, bought a trailer and lived on the property with us. She was our saving grace. She would watch me and my brother after school, feed us, pick us up if we were sick, doctor appointments, laundry. You name it, she did it.

It was just us three, plus granny, for a few years until my dad remarried to my step mom when I was 12. My mom remarried shortly after to my step dad. It was rocky on all accounts to adjust to the new people that were introduced in my life. My step mom and I did not get along for many years. I was not a very nice teenager and I am sure I put her through hell. Her and my dad also did not enjoy my mom, and the feeling was mutual from my mom. It was constant bad mouthing and negative energy for

years. I also look exactly like my mom which did not help my dad’s anger when he looked at me. That sadly carried over until right before he passed away. My mom moved to Atlanta when she remarried and my step mom and step sister moved in with my dad. My stepsister and I grew up together. We have known each other since kindergarten and were on sports teams together which is ultimately how our parents met. We were close for a while but grew apart in high school as we experienced different life obstacles. But, we will always have love for each other. I feel like we get each other on a different level that most people won’t understand and we have been through so much family bullshit that we just could never not be in touch. Throughout middle school, the home front was a constant battle.

As I am sure most households are. Everyone has their drama. Eighth grade was the best year for me to gain friends and explore who I really was. During that year, I gained six friends that I had known since kindergarten but we truly became close that year. To this day, five of those friends are still my best friends, including my stepsister.

When I was 14, my mom got pregnant with my other brother. After she had him in August of 2004, I decided to move to Atlanta to be with her. I had just started 9th grade. My dad was devastated and super dramatic over the whole thing.

Said he wanted to kill himself with me leaving, he sobbed. Apart of me only wanted to leave because my mom would not be as strict as my dad was. I wasn’t allowed to listen to any vulgar music, I couldn’t wear certain clothes because it was not what girls my age should be wearing. But, by him telling me not to do those things, I did them even harder.

He told me that he had teachers watching me (although I think he just said that to get under my skin) because I would change clothes at school to things my mom bought me that he didn’t approve of. I would buy CDs of rap music when I was with my mom and hide them from him. It was rough. I am not sure how he and my step mom didn’t lose their mind dealing with me. So, I moved. Went from a country town with a K-12 school of MAYBE 500 people to a high school grades 9-12 of 1500+ people. It was a

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This Is... culture shock. I was in the marching band which was really the only thing that got me through high school. I met my first friend, Gaby, shortly after I started there. Bless her heart, she felt bad for me because I was the “new girl” and known as the “girl who survived the hurricanes”. Living in Florida, there were 3 or 4 hurricanes that hit back to back in 2004. Hurricanes are normal to us here but, in Atlanta, it was like I won an episode of survivor. Gaby turned out to be my best friend throughout high school and even till now. I was her maid of honor last year when she got married. Throughout high school, my brother stayed with my dad and had life obstacles of his own. We were never close until after he graduated high school.

During this time, my dad and I rarely spoke. I think some of it my fault and some of it his. I would see him during the summers and he did visit me during band competitions once or twice, and would call or text on my birthday.

My relationship with my stepdad was also nonexistent. He was awful. We never spoke. He would never acknowledge me. He would always tell my mom things he did not agree with that I did (which, in their defense was a lot) and she would be the one to tell me about it. He lied about a lot to make himself seem like a better person than he really was. He worked 70+ hours a week as a store manager at a grocery store.

He verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused my mom. Cheated on my mom.

He was not a shining companion. They went on to have two more kids, my sisters, in 2007 and 2008. I was so awful in 2008, my mom cried when she found out she was having another girl. I laugh about it now. In hindsight, those three kids are really the best thing (most days) he could have ever offered our family.

Throughout high school, I did have a long term boyfriend. I didn’t lose my virginity to him (lost that at age 14 to some douchebag who is now in and out of jail. Love those bad boys) but, he was that typical high school love that you think you will be with forever. He was the boyfriend I became extremely sexual with and I think that is what sparked a lot of my desire to be sexual, even today.

Right before our high school graduation, we broke up. He had cheated on me

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and of course I went psycho girlfriend.

Afterwards, I slept with all his best friends. It was not my best moment. We both started college at different colleges and never really spoke much after that except for the expected conversation 5 years later of him apologizing and us smoking weed together and hooking up one last time before I realize that I didn’t want to have sex with someone who smells like spinach. That was the last time we spoke. I started working in the restaurant business at 19 which, I truly believe, made me who I am today.

From the time I was 18-21, I became an alcoholic, partied at UGA and Georgia Tech even though I didn’t go to either of those schools, made awful friends. Broke hearts. Failed classes. Made a lot of bad sexual decisions. I imagine typical college shit of a person who just didn’t give a fuck.

In I think June of 2011, I got a phone call from my dad. Weird considering we hardly ever spoke. I will never forget this day. My ex-boyfriend and I had just broken up and I had just moved back into my mom’s basement. I worked at Outback Steakhouse (and continued to for 9 years) and I was asked by my manager at the time to go to another store to pick up some items that we ran out of.

My dad called while I was on the way to that store. He was crying and said that he had been going to the doctor recently and finally received his results. He had stage 4 prostate cancer and was given 5 years to live. Of course, even though we never spoke or had a good relationship, I was traumatized. I cried and luckily, the manager at the other store had worked at our store previously so I knew him pretty well. He let me cry in the office and talked to me about things.

I still stay in touch with him from time to time. From there, I spiraled. Drank more and got into pills. One night while out partying, I passed out with one of my partying friends on her bed (partying friend because I would only talk to her when I needed to drink heavy amounts and smoke weed). In the middle of the night, I woke up to her boyfriend in the middle of us trying to have sex with me. I said “no” multiple times but, he wouldn’t stop. I got up and left. It was 3 am and my mom’s rule was to never come home past 12 am because “nothing

good ever happens after the bars close” and, to be honest, she isn’t wrong. I was terrified. But, I drove home half drunk and walked in the front door. My mom heard me come in and cried because she knew where I had been and what I had been doing. After that night, everything changed. I ghosted all of those people and I got a puppy. A sweet 8-week old puppy who I named Charlie. He, hands down, saved my life. My mom and stepdad refused to take care of him. If I had to work 10-12 hours, he would be locked up for 10-12 hours. I couldn’t go out anymore because I had him to take care of.

And an 8-week old puppy is ROUGH to take care of. My mom thought for sure I would either give him away or kill him.

I did neither and 8 years later, he is now my old man. A month after I turned 21, I moved back to Florida. I moved to Jacksonville with my best friend Meredith, my step sister and a random girl that caused more drama than I have ever had in my entire life. None of us knew our way around Jacksonville so of course when we found a 4 bedroom apartment for a little over $1000 a month, we jumped on it. And come to find out, it was in the ghetto. Four white girls living smack dab in the middle of the ghetto. It was an interesting year. Luckily, we had a family in the apartments surrounding us. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma and grandpa that were all going through a hard time financially. So, we never had any problems. But, if there are spikes coming in and out of your apartment complex and constant police activity, I think you should reconsider where you live. My relationship with my dad was constantly a rollercoaster.

I would drive to see him on my days off almost every week to try to rekindle things. But, it gradually got worse. He told me that since he was dying, he was going to make his life about him. No one else mattered but himself. He literally said that to me. He lost some of his friends because he was such an asshole to them. Everyone stopped coming to visit him; maybe because life got busy or because he pushed them away. He blamed it on the cancer treatments but, I still have trouble believing that. I once even caught him sobbing in his room with a gun in his hand contemplating suicide. Luckily, my step mom was there and helped me deal with the situ-

This Is... ation. Bless her because I have no idea how that woman stayed with him for all those years. He grew very fond of gardening and being outside. He was very skilled at carpentry and learning the science of how things worked. He was very talented and creative; something I wish more than not that I had inherited.

But, even in those times he was always so alone and sad. And angry. Towards the end, he blamed my mom for causing the cancer because stress and anger can manipulate the cells and cause cancer growth. I thought he was crazy but, now I am not so sure he is wrong. The body is a complicated vessel.

Shortly after moving to Florida, I met a girl. I had never explored the same sex prior to her but I always knew I was bisexual. It was just frowned upon in my family and even to this day everyone still thinks it was “just a phase”. A phase that lasted two years. They still don’t know about the other random hook-ups I had with the same sex. It was difficult for me to accept who I truly was because of the judgment and negative energy that I was surrounded by just because of who I was dating. It eventually got the best of me and we broke up after two years.

I never told my dad although, I think he had a hunch. It always bothered me that I could never tell him I was bisexual but, it just never worked that way. He probably would not have even cared looking back on it all. But, because I made the choice to not tell him, every time I was there I would have awful anxiety.

Towards the end of me giving a fuck, I dreaded going to his house for 2-3 days.

In 2013 after my girlfriend and I broke up, I met a guy that I worked with. We started hanging out and I fell for him almost instantly. He was cute, funny, and just loved to have a good time. Over the course of the few months we knew each other, I got pregnant. His dad was a twin and twins ran in his family. We were scared shitless that we might have twins. And sure enough, we were going to. Siamese twins. They were connected at the hip the doctor said. I was at a loss.

I never wanted kids but, when I saw that sonogram with the heartbeats, I had never felt that type of love until then. At the end of my first trimester, I started bleeding. I had to have an emergency

ultrasound which concluded that I had lost both babies. I was devastated and so afraid. We had just gotten an apartment together, had planned and had already told everyone. That miscarriage was rough and it makes me SO sad that more women don’t speak about it to help other women understand what is normal. My body didn’t extract the babies by itself so I had to take an abortion pill.

I will NEVER wish that type of situation on anyone, ever. When it finally happened, I felt the whole embryo fall out into the toilet. I just cried and looked at it. The hardest thing I have ever done is flush those babies down the toilet. After the miscarriage, him and I had a rocky relationship. We fought a lot. He was younger so he was still in the partying phase that I had already experienced and was slowly getting out of. So, he finally left me. I was homeless. I had no other choice but to go back to Atlanta to live with my mom. I knew people, I could get a job easily, get my life together, save money, and figure shit out once again. So, that’s what I did. My dad was PISSED that I didn’t choose him to live with. We didn’t talk for months when I finally wrote him an email explaining why I did what I did and that I would be back eventually. His response was that he didn’t care when I would be back and that “as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t have children anymore”. He said my mom and I deserved each other and that he hopes we have a happy life together.

Like I was in a relationship and chose to spend my life with her. Which, I guess technically, I did. That was rough. I was crushed. While living with my mom, I started going to the gym more and focusing on nutrition. Oddly enough, I was inspired by my dad because he had changed his entire diet and prolonged his life by 2 years. I became so interested in the whole process. I started talking to my ex-almost baby daddy again and we decided to try to rekindle things.

So, in 2014 I moved back to Jacksonville to be with him. I stayed with him for a few weeks until I was to move into my own place. I had found a place with my brother who decided he wanted to move to Jacksonville with me. A month before my lease started, my ex told me he couldn’t do it anymore. Looking back on it now, I can imagine how smothering I could have been. But, I left. I was

once again, homeless by the same guy.

(SIDE NOTE: Since this time, him and I have talked and apologized for all the things that happened. He is a great guy; just a guy that should forever be single and is one of the only ex’s I stay in touch with on occasion.) Thankfully, his mom is amazing and kept Charlie while I figured things out. I slept in my car a lot and stayed with her once or twice.

I became desperate and was heartbroken so when a guy I worked with offered his couch, I didn’t think twice about it.

He ended up being engaged but told me they were broken up and he was looking for a new place to move into. I sadly believed him and I hooked up with an almost married guy. Douchebag. And, again, definitely not my best moment.

Eventually, I moved into my apartment.

It was nice living with my brother because we realized that, in the situation with my dad, we were all each other had to get through it. It was hard but, it was nice. I started college again and this time put all my effort into my prerequisites to be in the nutrition program. My brother met his now wife on Tinder and eventually moved out to be closer to her on the other side of town. I was in desperate need of a roommate and found my soulmate, Cass. We didn’t know each other. We met a month prior at Outback where we both worked. But, living with her was an adventure as well as the best roommate situation I have ever encountered. We lived together for a year and a half and I am now the godmother to her son. She’s a beautiful soul with a mess of a life and I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

During my pre-requisites, I met my exboyfriend. He was athletic, not someone I would ever date, and VERY cocky. For some reason, even with the mediocre sex, I fell so hard for him. He was goal driven and his family was absolutely FABULOUS. Literally, they are the only positive thing about him. We dated for a little over 2 years. It was rough towards the end. His grandfather died right before our two year anniversary and he did a complete 180. He never talked about his feelings or showed what he was truly thinking about. He always told me what I wanted to hear instead of actually working through things. We never fought. I truly believe, though,

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This Is... that he was sent to be in my life during those two years for a reason. He was very supportive of me going to school which, at that time, I needed. His goal was to get his doctorate in Physical Therapy and he was very determined to make it happen. In the back of my mind, the whole two years we were together, I knew once he started school, our relationship would negatively change. His priority would be school and I would be put on the back burner. Which, in the scheme of things, isn’t a horrible thing.

Just not ideal for a relationship I would ever want to be in. When he started school, our relationship never saw the sun past that. During my time with him, I began to distance myself from my dad. Things were growing worse with his mindset which I never understood.

Looking back at it now, I know it was the tumor growth that was beginning to grow on his brain. And my new boyfriend was very supportive of me not having that type of negative person in my life. Ironic because of how he turned out. With my dad slowly getting worse over the years, we barely talked. It got to the point of his verbal, mental, and emotional abuse that I was done. I told everyone that I just never wanted to speak to him again. The last straw for me was an email he sent me degrading me as a person and just other awful things. The only people who knew about these letters were my mom, my boyfriend at the time, and my aunt who was my dad’s sister. It was a very rough time for me and a hard decision to make. Was I going to be okay when he died knowing I never spoke to him again? And I could honestly answer, yes.

And to this day, the answer is still yes.

I would have been okay. But, I am glad that it didn’t work out that way.

the stress of my granny and step dad passing. But, my ex was there with me through everything and his family was even more amazing. In April of 2017, my mom bought a house that I moved into to live and help raise my brother and sisters. That was very challenging in more ways than one. Giving up freedom and any new free time I had from just graduating with my Bachelor’s Degree. But, everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change how I have grown or what I have learned from the opportunity.

My granny, who had helped raise me, passed away in February of 2016. That was one of many people I lost over the last 2 years. That same year in September, my step dad died of stage 3 stomach cancer that he had been battling for 10 months. Leaving my mom a single mom of three in a city where she felt alone.

This was my senior year in the nutrition program where I had taken on 3 officer positions to three different clubs, I worked 3 jobs, had my boyfriend to pay attention to, full time classes and

In June of 2017, my dad was admitted into the hospital for a month before he was told there was nothing more they can do for him. He was moved to Hospice the first week of July. I drove back and forth the 2 hours almost every day to see him and to help out. We had shifts. Earlier, I mentioned that I was okay with never talking to him again. I truly believe him getting the news of not having any more options to maintain his life not only changed him but also changed me. Whatever feelings I had from that

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In May of 2017, my ex started school. He met a girl. He talked to her constantly.

Mainly about school, he said. But, when you get a feeling, you just know when they’re lying. So, of course I went full crazy girlfriend and went through his phone. I found out that not only did he talk to her all the time, it was about everything. We shared each other’s location on our phones because I am a paranoid soul. I would check his location when he wouldn’t answer me and he was always at her house and would lie about it. He was at her house once and told me he got lunch in that area and his location must be stuck there. He also told me one day that he was going to get lunch with a couple of guys from his classes which, I later found out that he went and had lunch with her only.

I will truly never know if they hooked up while we were together. But, once we broke up, he went with her to an Auburn game and stayed a weekend with her. He told everyone that I was crazy and made up a girl he was seeing. But, since he was with her the next week, I told everyone that she must’ve been the girl I made up. I haven’t spoken with him since we broke up. I don’t care to.

letter he wrote me to make me stop giving a fuck, diminished. I knew there was no coming out of what we were about to experience. And I was right. He passed away August 1st. The last month or so I had with him were the best I have ever had with him. It made everything disappear and was truly everything I had wanted from him and I truly believe he felt the same way. We had a memorial service for him (since he was cremated) on August 11th and on August 12th, I discovered everything that was happening with my ex and the girl. I gave him an ultimatum. Either we work it out or we are done. He chose to be done. On August 23rd of that same month, I started graduate school. I knew I shouldn’t have started grad school. I was terrified and mentally exhausted. I should’ve taken time off. But, I didn’t.

Over the last 3-4 years I forgot what it was like to do things for myself and to continuously be happy with myself.

Grad school sucked. I hated it. I cried all the time, I couldn’t sleep, I was drinking more. I was gaining weight like crazy and had convinced myself that was why my ex left me. Because I gained weight.

What the fuck is that about? In February of this year, I lost all three of my jobs. I made going to school my full time job and was having to ask my mom for money. Worst feeling of my entire life. I felt all people and teachers were out to get me. I couldn’t succeed at anything I was confident that I would enjoy. So, this past July, I quit. Everything. It was the best decision of my life thus far and I am slowly getting out of the mentality of being someone that everyone else wants me to be. In September of 2017 after the month of hell, I met my now boyfriend.

He is the most stubborn, supportive, and loving person I have ever had the pleasure of being around. I was lost when I met him. He helped me get through A LOT of mental obstacles. I had a huge guard up but, he waited patiently. The last year has been rocky due to person circumstances. It has been hard to deal with the mental strain it caused. But, because he is way more laid back than I am, he has truly been my saving grace.

Through the entire experience of my 20s, I have learned one important thing that I hope to take with me for

This Is... the rest of my life: to love, forgive, and treat everyone and everything as you’d like to be treated. Never judge and always be open-minded to the obstacles that are thrown your way. When I received that last, hurtful letter from my dad, my aunt told me one thing that I vowed to do. Forget and forgive. That is what I did. And it was hard AS FUCK. Eventually, I forgave. Right before he passed away, I told him I forgave him.

He couldn’t speak at that time but, he smiled which told me he understood. I’d like to believe he forgave me too. And, I can tell you with 110% honesty that I don’t know what was in any of the hurtful letters my dad sent me over the years other than the tiny information I enclosed in this word vomit of an article. I threw them away and deleted everything. But, what I can tell you is the happy times I had with him because that is all I want to remember. The inside jokes, the numerous amounts of laughs we had that made me laugh so hard that he would say “Everyone take a deep breath! Sara is sucking air again!”

We didn’t have a good relationship or always get along but, I know my dad loved me, my brother, my step mom and step sister more than anything on this earth. And because of that, I will live my life surrounded by positive vibes, love, and happiness.

Tatum Garino: You’ve been through family drama, heartbreak, miscarriage, sexual trauma, and so much more - how have all of these experiences shaped you?

Sara Boyd: Through the years, I have experienced a lot of emotions because of these obstacles. Because of this anger, sadness, love, heartache, it has shaped who I am meant to be and what I am now. The raw emotions that have come from these experiences have led me into situations and circumstances that have given me life lessons that I have chosen to learn from. I will never make the same mistake twice, other than going back to my ex a second time (which I would never do again in any future relationship). The life lessons range from mild to severe circumstances such as being homeless which allows me to love and appreciate the little things I have now. I have met the people I cherish and love the

most because of these obstacles and I choose to never regret things in my life. I think everything happens for a reason; no matter what higher power you believe in. The things I have been through and gotten myself through are special to me and I don’t ever look back and think “Oh, I should have done that differently” because it has taught me to be independent, strong, trusting, and loving. What more could I ask for?

TG: A lot of these experiences have been negative, how have you made it through?

SB: Laughter and love. I love to laugh and I love to love. I am a firm believer that laughter cures a lot of things in your life. It’s very Ellen DeGeneres (who I love and enjoy watching often) of me to say but, it’s true. I suffer from severe anxiety and often severe depression. I denied any and all medication because I believe I can be stronger than what my mind tells me.

This is NOT the case for everyone and I completely and whole-heartedly believe in medication to help anyone who needs it. But, I, through my life, surround myself with individuals and circumstances that will allow me to laugh and enjoy my time at that moment. I especially think it is important to laugh at yourself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, then what can you laugh at? And love, it took me a long time to enjoy to love. I have been through many circumstances that have told me not to love anymore. I have been that negative vibe that no one likes being around. And I hated it. I had to change my view and outlook at life to, inevitably, learn to love again. And my family and my closest friends are the ones who helped me most in that situation. I would not be where or who I am without their help, guidance, and advice.

TG: Have you been able to re-purpose these experiences into anything positive in your life?

SB: Absolutely. Almost every time I experience something traumatic, sad, or heartbreaking I always try to find the silver lining in the situation. Maybe not right then, but eventually. That is how you move on. My rule is, you

have one week to sulk and be sad. Feel sorry for yourself. Whatever you need to do. But, after a week, you have to find a positive life lesson, get up, and keep going. Life isn’t stopping because you are. By reading my article, it is very sad. Even as I re-read it I thought “Damn, Sara. Fucking negative Nancy.”

What I don’t share are the positive experiences that were created by growing from negative obstacles. I had a lot of positive experiences in my childhood. A LOT. I travelled. I laughed. I loved. I met amazing people. My family is awesome. I was just dealt a more difficult life emotionally than a lot of people. I have found that a lot of the times people dwell on the negative. It’s how we are programmed almost. Over the last year, I have tried so hard to reprogram my mind to think positively. If I have a negative thought about a situation or even a person, I make myself think of two positive things pertaining the negative thought. Everyone has their battles and obstacles. How we go about them defines how we are as a person.

TG: Throughout all of these experiences, have you accepted yourself or has it been a journey?

SB: Oh my fuck, has it been a journey.

Overall, I have accepted myself but it has been a long rollercoaster of a journey where I am constantly growing and evolving as a person. I feel the journey is the best part, though.

Ten years ago, what you were going through might have felt like the end of the world. But, you made the choice to get through it. And that, to me, is the process to finding acceptance. And it never ends at when you finally accept situations or yourself. It is a constant battle to continue to grow and be able to guide others to feel the same way about themselves.

TG: How have you learned to accept yourself?

SB: Because it has been a journey, I have learned to accept myself many different ways and continue to find new ways to expand my happiness.

When I was in my undergrad program for nutrition, I had one professor who was a strong advocate for intuitive mindsets. This mindset allows you to

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This Is... accept yourself, your body, and who you are as a person, and have a healthy mind. To do this is to enjoy and love everything you do, say, and eat. It strays away from the fad diet mindset of “I can’t eat this because it will make me fat” which fucks with your mental health (ALWAYS eat the brownie). I fell in love with the mindset. To say it is easy to transform how you think would be a lie. And sometimes, I give up. Intuitive lifestyle and intuitive eating is something that is practiced constantly within yourself. But, by slowly (and when I say slowly, I mean VERY slowly) re-training my mind, I know I can achieve anything I want. Even when you give up, it’s important to keep going. You are your biggest supporter and motivator. If you don’t talk highly or positively to yourself, it will become hard to believe it when other people do.

TG: How do you see yourself now as opposed to how you saw yourself in these different stages of your life?

SB: Throughout my whole life, I have been an asshole. When I got angry, I would become verbally abusive and had no remorse for the things I said.

And once I reached a certain point, there was no turning back. I had this whole give respect, get respect attitude that got me in a lot of trouble through my teenage years. God bless my mother because she went through a lot. I almost forgot how to love; mix that with teenage hormones and you just have a defiant, angry little human.

This continued into my early and mid20s. I did not like myself. I was still loyal to my friends and I was very social, outgoing. But, it did affect my job and how people approached me. That and because I have a resting bitch face.

I am not sure when things started to change but, it was around the time I met my friend Cass. She is a very spiritual and “vibe” type of person. She taught me how to be mindful of people around you and how to accept things as they are. Because of her I was able to be happier and change my mindset.

Eventually, when I would get angry, I would just ask myself, “Is it worth it?” and 98% of the time the answer would be no. Because of this, I have grown to love myself and truly enjoy how I handle situations and people that are

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in my life. My mom often will ask me “What happened to the old Sara?” because I was always so vocal about my feelings but, since I have become more accepting of my surroundings and myself, I am happier and way more enjoyable to be around. Without Cass, I am not sure where I would be or what type of person I would be without her.

She truly saved my outlook on situations and I am not sure where I would be now without that.

TG: What exactly does accepting yourself mean to you?

SB: Funny enough, the definition of “accepting myself” has changed for me multiple times within the last 10 years. When I was younger, I (sadly) thought accepting myself meant physically. Thinking that I have to be skinny enough to please everyone around me.

How sad is it that we, as a society, grow up thinking that we physically have to be attractive enough to be happy and accepted? Body acceptance. Even though it’s a part of my “acceptance” definition, it’s more of just the many different parts under the umbrella of the word itself. I also had to accept my life circumstances. My journey in life that I have paved for myself. The family I surround myself with. The situations I got myself in. The people I chose to have in my life. Those are all a part of my life and accepting that defines how and who I am going to be. Your environment dictates a lot. I choose my surroundings very carefully based on the experiences I have encountered. And now, I don’t prioritize how my body looks as how I am accepted by myself and other people. It is how I treat people, react to situations, love, and how my positive outlook can affect the world around me.

TG: Throughout your life experiences, what has been the hardest part of accepting yourself and your circumstances?

SB: Throughout my younger life, I have always had a confident personality. I hardly ever let myself believe what other people said or what they did. And, honestly, I don’t really remember any negative feedback about myself to feel any different until I hit

high school. For some reason, it was when I started getting into bad relationships that cut down my self-esteem. I allowed men to treat me like shit and continuously do so throughout my adult life which made me view myself completely different than I did in my younger years. With that being said, the hardest part of everything is how I talk to myself. Without truly telling myself that I am beautiful or worth it and ACTUALLY believing it, I wasn’t growing as a person and allowing myself to have healthy relationships. It has taken a long time and I am nowhere near where I want to be or where I should be. But, I feel that’s the beauty of life. It’s a rollercoaster.

As long as you continuously grow and live a happy life, that is half the battle.

TG: What advice do you have for other women and girls who are struggling to accept themselves and may have gone through some similar things as you?

SB: Oh lord. If you have gone through similar things as me and are having trouble accepting yourself, let’s talk.

You deserve happiness. Everyone does. Life sucks and it’s hard. No one has it “easy”. If you’re struggling to accept yourself, my advice is to seek therapy. Fucking saving grace. It will help you get into a space where you can finally start to change the way you talk to yourself and learn to accept the life you’ve been dealt. If you’re the only person being negative about yourself, that’s really the only thing holding you back. Therapy does take time. I went for two years before it finally made me realize how important I am. That and I had a great therapist. Don’t give up on yourself. You can always overcome everything and anything. Just trust yourself and the process. Your story isn’t over yet. It may not be a happy ending right now but, you’re still writing. And eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that you have to work to get towards. With the right people and the right help, you can achieve anything.

This Is...

[Vulnerable]

Just Walk Away By: Angela Stephenson

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This Is...

Dear Angela, You are in your second semester of college at a new school, and you are loving the college life. At first you were worried about fitting in, but now you fit just fine. You love your professors and you are very interested in the subjects you are studying. You are making friends quickly and you are enjoying this new dynamic.

One day, you notice a boy in your Shakespeare class (you are 31 years old, so, to you, 23 years old is just a boy). You catch him looking at you a few times, but you just let it go. The next week, you arrive to class to find out it is cancelled.

This same boy finds you in front of the classroom and asks you to join the study group they put together in the library.

He takes one look at you and you feel something click. You’re not quite sure what it is. Later you may call it a spark or maybe even butterflies. In reality, what you were feeling was a warning.

My advice to you is to walk away. This is what happens if you don’t:

A year and a half later, you are lying in bed alone at 3am non-stop calling and texting this same boy who is now your boyfriend. He is in another state attending The National concert with his gay best friend. He has reactivated social media and started adding girls that he slept with not so long ago. This is mere days after the promises that he wouldn’t seek out ways to hurt you again. This time you listen to him tell you, “Just go have sex with someone else, Ang. Say you don’t love me.” And, you wish with every inch of your soul that it was just that easy.

Your heart breaks every time you call him, and he refuses to answer because things got hard again and he wants it to be over for the hundredth time. At least that’s what you convince yourself is happening.

This isn’t the first time you’ve gone through this, even though your tears try to say otherwise. You stop sleeping at night, because after he officially cheats on you, lies about it, and fights with you nonstop for days before he can admit it to you, you constantly wait for it to happen again. He tells you that he’s going to keep hurting you and you won’t understand why you can’t just leave. You blame yourself over and over again because somehow you must not be good enough for him. Somehow this has to be YOUR fault. If you’re not good enough for a shitty man like this, then what does that say about YOU? You tell yourself that you are being strong for staying when things get tough.

All of these thoughts eat you alive and many nights you just wish you could close your eyes and never wake up again.

You try a million times over to love a man that refuses to be loved and you fall more times than you stand. At the end of every day, you feel like you have to keep fighting because you’ve got nothing else left. You don’t see yourself clearly anymore and you are scared of everything collapsing around you and taking you down with it.

My advice to you, my sweet, happy, unaffected girl is this: In that moment as you’re smiling and feeling some-kind-ofway because this boy is standing front of you and asking you to take a chance, please just walk away. If you stay, you will regret it more times than not. You will spend sleepless nights yelling at God to remove the love from your heart, so you can finally heal and move on. You will be broken more times than you thought were possible, and you will lose yourself over and over again. You are worth more than what will happen to you if you don’t walk away.

You will eventually forget the amazing woman you used to be, and you will merge into a broken, useless, guilt-ridden excuse for a female. You will look in the mirror every day and hate yourself for allowing a man to do this to you for so long. You will just keep hanging on to this toxic relationship until the last fiber of your being is destroyed, because somehow your heart tells you there is no other way.

Don’t spend your days wondering if in that moment when he walked up to you and asked you to study for the next Shakespeare exam what could have happened if you would have just walked away. Don’t let this one moment define all future moments.

I am begging you, my dear girl, walk away. Do it for your future self and I promise you, you will never regret that you did.

Sincerely,

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Your Future Self

[Love]

By: Morgan Govert

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U

sually every story has two sides to it. Well this story only has one side and its mine. It’s hard to begin even writing this story. But here we go. I am 25 years old, married to my high school sweetheart and 28 weeks pregnant. I am at work assisting in surgery and I receive the worst phone call of my life. I am told my Husband overdosed on heroin, crashed his car and was in jail. Silence, pure and utter silence. I don’t even know what to say, I blacked out. I have thoughts and thoughts just running through my head. Is he okay? How did I not know?

How long has this been going on for?

How am I going to care for this baby?

How will I tell my family? How could someone lie and do this to me? Seriously, how did I not know?

So what does one do when they are 28 weeks pregnant and find out their husband is a heroin addict? Well I will tell you what I did-called my Mom, possibly the second worst phone call of my life. To actually say that sentence out loud was completely heartbreaking. As for my mom to hear that sentence from her pregnant daughter was equally as heartbreaking. As her being a mom, she jumped right into Mama Bear mode. She left work and met me at my house and we grabbed the necessities I needed.

Over the course of days I was a complete mess. I hadn’t even spoken to him since I left for work the morning this all happened. I didn’t want to speak to him. I felt betrayed, almost like I was cheated on. That next week I moved back in with my parents, filed for divorce and still continued to work my 40 hour job.

I felt so much guilt for not helping him and making him move out of the house.

I mean I loved this person for so long.

I felt like everyone was going to think I should’ve helped him. He definitely was a different person then the person I had married. I even asked him if he was okay or if something was going on months before all of this. Of course he always said no and told me some reassuring words as to why he was being

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the way he was. This led me to get angry with him. Why would he marry me and want to start a family knowing he was a heroin addict? I still don’t know the answer to that question.

Since I have had some time to reflect on this whole situation the signs were definitely there. Falling asleep in the middle of conversations, car accidents, unanswered texts and phone calls, coming home and leaving at all hours of the day and night, money problems and the list goes on. I know, why would I allow myself to be stuck in a situation like this? I felt embarrassed to tell friends and family that I wanted to leave my husband of only a year and a half. I just figured he was acting like this because he said he was working so many hours and was scared to become a father.

Let me just pause for a moment to say that anyone that is pregnant or has been pregnant is always scared. It’s scary! I mean, I have a human being growing inside me, moving around, and changing my body. I would ask myself how the hell am I going to get this baby out of me. That is a scary thought just in itself. Being pregnant is about as vulnerable as one can get.

Things weren’t always like this. We met when we were 16 and things went from there. We finished out high school together, I went to a local college, then we got an apartment together, I bought a house and he bought an engagement ring. We started wedding planning and year and a half later we were hitched.

The first year of our marriage was bumpy but I figured that was normal for the first year. Things got better over the months and we decided to try for a baby. Our blessing came true and I found out I was pregnant December of 2017 - almost to the one year date of our one year wedding anniversary.

We announced at Christmas and everyone was so happy for us. I felt so lucky and excited. Little did I know my Husband, soon to be father to our baby, was using heroin. Things spiraled out of control quickly. He always had some excuse as to why we didn’t have enough money or why he was working so late or wouldn’t answer

my calls. I remember thinking as the months went on to myself, this is not the person I married or know. I could clearly see myself pushing away from my family and friends trying to act and think everything was fine. It was not fine. I was pregnant and depressed and doing everything alone.

Before all of this happened, I had planned my baby shower to be June 9th - 10 days after I found out about the overdose. Most of my family and friends knew by this point but I still put on my happy face and tried to enjoy it the best I could. It ended up being a great baby shower and I am thankful I was able to enjoy it despite everything else going on.

The last three months of my pregnancy dragged on and I still hadn’t spoken to my Husband. He never went to rehab and was continuing to live life like nothing was even wrong. People would tell me that they saw him drinking and partying at places. He never drank the whole time we were together. He never wanted to because of his family history. He had a pretty messed up childhood and preached that he would never be a parent like the ones he had.

I also was the one paying the bills and dealing with reality. I found out he hadn’t paid bills that he said he did and even found a credit card that I never knew he had. He wouldn’t even go get his mail. I just continued to work and tried to stay healthy for my baby.

I didn’t want all of my stress to affect my pregnancy.

The first time I saw him was at our first court hearing for the divorce. He didn’t even look at me. I was emotional and my due date was 9 days away.

I was pissed. How could he not say one word to the mother of his unborn child? A few days went by and my anger spewed. I saw his car and followed him to a laundry mat he was going to.

Let me pause for a minute to say this scenario was like a episode from the show Shameless. I walked in to this laundry mat and just let loose. I can barely even remember what I said to him because I basically blacked out.

I thought it would help seeing him and

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This Is... talking to him. It did not help at all. I was even more emotional. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I felt bad for him again. The feeling that I should have been helping him came back. Even though he hadn’t reached out once to see how the baby or I were doing. The person I loved for 8 years-I started to seriously hate. He had and still has no idea what I went through.

He has a way of manipulating me to think I should feel bad for him. I tried not to think about it and focused on having my baby.

My due date came and went and a week later I was induced. My Mom and Dad were there throughout the day to support my labor and my Mom supported me through my delivery. I had a wonderful experience and I feel thankful for that. I birthed a beautiful and healthy baby girl. I was terrified about giving birth but once the time came I was focused on getting her out safely.

husband has seen her twice and never asks about her. He doesn’t contribute toward her or I. As far as I am concerned he doesn’t need to see her. He treated me like dirt and always disappointed me and I do not want my daughter to experience that. Especially when he says he’s coming over to see her and then doesn’t end up showing or even calling. I can’t imagine having to explain why her Father didn’t show up the older she gets.

I found out that this has been going on for years. He started doing pills when he was 20 and it just escalated into heroin. That was pretty devastat-

amazing 3 best friends. We have all been friends since kids. You don’t find friendship like that often and I wont let them go for anything. I love them all dearly.

If my ex ever gets the opportunity to read this I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for giving me the light of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you wake up everyday and realize what you did to the both of us. I also want you to know that I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you will never find anyone like me. You chose drugs over us and I hope you get the help you need.

Things don’t always go the way you expect them to go and sometimes that’s okay. I feel reborn since this whole thing happened.

I feel like I get a second chance. I always held in my emotions and acted like everything was fine. It was not fine and things exploded right in my face. I am the one that’s in control of my life and I am the only one that makes the choices for my future. I am ready to be the best person I can be. Sometimes you just need to forgive, even if that seems impossible.

So that’s what I am doing. I am forgiving and letting my soul be free. If anyone reading this is going through a difficult situation I also encourage you to set yourself free.

“I am the one that’s in control of my life and I am the only one that makes the choices for my future.”

Two days later I brought her home and I was completely in love. Just looking at her face was memorizing to me. I mean, I just created life and I did all of this practically on my own. Of course the first few weeks were rough. Trying to figure out breast feeding, not getting much sleep and just learning how to care for my baby was exhausting.

I am beyond blessed to have my baby girl here and I can’t imagine my life without her. I love her so much. They say when terrible things happen in life you find out who your friends are. I must say all of the support I received from family and friends is amazing. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. My baby and I are loved by so many people.

As I am writing this, my baby girl is 6 weeks old. I cannot even express how protect of her I am. My soon to be ex

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ing to find that out. He was practically living a double life. He fooled me, my family and friends.

This situation has made me such a strong person. I have always worked so hard for the things I want in life. I will work my ass off to give my daughter the best life she can possibly have. I will teach her to be a strong and independent woman just like me. My mom always says, “The sun always rises in the morning and life goes on. It doesn’t stop for anything.” I wake up everyday and realize I always have something to be thankful for.

My Mom, my hero, my role model has been here for me every step of the way and I want to thank her for that. I hope I can be a role model for my like my mom is for me. I also have the most

This Is...

[Failure]

#LifeGoals Reimagined By: Kelly Eyre

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This Is...

D

oes anyone else feel like they have the first few lines of the theme song to Friends just persistently replaying in their head?

“So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyyy...feels like you’re always stuck in second gear, when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year…”

Yeah, I’d like to be able to say that none of that is relatable but here I am writing my story of failure. A story that has insisted to linger longer than I’d like.

It is by no means a finished chapter in my life nor do I feel like I’ve fully come to terms with many things, but that’s where the beauty is found, isn’t it? We can train ourselves to find beauty in the process, in the messy middle of situations and circumstances. So, this is not only a story of failure but a story acceptance, and repurposing failure by reimagining the trajectory of life on the road to self-actualization.

Like most good failure stories, this one starts with a success. I had just finished grad school, and filled with fierce determination, confidence, and purpose was ready to take on the world of teaching.

It was January 2015 and with a Master’s degree and teaching certificate in hand, I was filled with purpose and passion, ready to step through the door of my new classroom into the career I had always thought I wanted.

I very quickly came to realize that I hated teaching. Let me be more specific: I loved the kids, really, I did. I adored them and I loved teaching them. I loved being someone who encouraged them, built their confidence, and championed them on for who they are and what they have to offer the world. I couldn’t get enough of their wide-eyed smiles when I told them that I believed in them as they were working on something they were about to give up on. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do when it came to working tirelessly to make sure I was giving

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them the tools they needed to fiercely believe in themselves as much as I believed in them and to attack everything they did from a place of fearless empowerment.

entrapment and despair, as it hit me that I still had 170-something days to go in an environment that once filled me with purpose and passion but was now having the opposite effect.

Let me say it again, I loved the kids.

And I loved teaching them. I just quickly grew to hate how our public school system defines teaching and learning. I quickly grew to abhor the way the system measures student and teacher success, as if we’re all robots to be programmed to meet the exact same goals in the exact same ways, as opposed to encouraging the beautifully diverse and uniquely talented beings we are. Education should empower. My experience as an educator in the public school system was quite the opposite.

I immediately started to job search. I knew I wouldn’t leave before the year was over because I didn’t feel that was fair to my class, but I started doing some research into youth development non-profits to begin to see what was out there and to start applying and see if anything showed promise.

I knew I was a good teacher. I was really good, actually. I got notes from the kids that said things like, “Thank you for inspiring me that women are never too weak to do something as long as they look at the finish line and keep going. Thank you for being the best teacher and coach!” “You were a great teacher, I learned a lot. You were the most encouraging teacher I’ve had.”

“I want you to know that you’ve given my daughter more than an amazing education. You’ve given her the support to grow into an even stronger and more confident young lady!”

“Thank you again for a wonderful school year, We have never heard [our son] speak so highly of a teacher like he has about you.”

Yet, I was still stuck in a job where I didn’t feel valued or supported by my superiors, and no matter how much I tried to find joy and purpose in being there for my kids, I continued to grow rapidly disheartened by my circumstances. In the following months, I became trapped in a work environment that stripped me of all self-confidence and left me feeling worthless, hopeless, and like I had nothing of value to give. I did everything I could to fight against that. I tried to “choose joy!”, lean into my faith, and cling to the words of people who affirmed and encouraged me. But the desolation was far more pervasive than the hope of any of these strategies.

So yeah, I was good. Don’t get me wrong, my intention in sharing those is not to brag. I just think there’s power in owning your abilities and walking confidently in them. Regardless, I knew I wouldn’t teach forever. I was growing increasingly frustrated year by year as I was forced to fit molds that I didn’t agree with and that were not serving my students well at all.

I almost completely lost my sense of self during this time. My anxiety was out of control. I was miserable to be around. My friendships and relationships with those closest to me suffered. I didn’t care about loving others well. I was just trying to get through the days. I questioned everything about myself, and about the purpose of life in general. I got so angry with God. I grew to resent God and honestly, I’m still working through that. My faith is a huge part of my identity and the lens through which I filter many of my decisions. I couldn’t reconcile how my loving God would lead me straight into this profession just to crucify me in the end.

By the beginning of my fourth year (the 2017-2018 school year), I knew that was going to be the last year. It was only the second week of the school year and I vividly remember waking up one morning with a sinking feeling of

Day after day, the feeling that I was failing myself and my students grew like a cancer. Fast forward to the last Friday in April. That morning, I received an email for a job offer with a youth development organization that

This Is...

I had already been volunteering with for six years. As you can imagine, my spirit was instantly lifted upon receipt of this email. Taking this job meant a significant pay cut but I had long before this day decided that my mental and emotional health was worth more than any sum of money. I would move back home with my parents. I would figure it out. It all felt like a millions steps back from where I thought I’d be by this point in my life but I would just figure it out. So, I was going to tell my principal after school that day that I was quitting. Well, that afternoon, the secretary called me to say that the principal wanted to meet with me after school. This wasn’t unusual.

Sometimes he’d just want to check in or often times it would be to discuss a student. So, after my kids had all been dismissed at the end of the day, I made my way down to the office for whatever he had to talk to me about and also, of course, to quit. Well, what he had to tell me was that he wasn’t asking me back for next year. As I sat there and listened to him tell me that it was because my kids standardized test scores were too low (they weren’t) and because he didn’t like the way I managed my class, indignation began to simmer as I made myself smile and nod until he finished his pity speech about how I’m such a good person and this has nothing to do with who I am or the kind of teacher he thought I was. I’m “intelligent, creative, and engage students in critical-thinking and problem solving” but apparently if they don’t produce a sky-high score on a meaningless test that only seven states still require, well, I must not be good enough.

Part of me knew deep in my soul that I was the kind of teacher that kids needed and parents valued. They told me so, after all. Those notes that I shared about were only a few of dozens upon dozens of their kind that I had been grateful to receive over the years. But I was still deeply hurt by the injustice of it all, and by the politics of an institution that tries to systematize human growth and achievement. An institution that thinks that success is measured by high scores, when really, we know from the best researchers in the

field of social sciences, that the greatest successes and most meaningful growth are forged in the fire of failure.

And don’t even get me started about how our current educational system is not even designed around what science has proved about child and human development. It’s a system that’s designed to fail. No wonder I was feeling so trapped and purposeless.

Anyway, my new job now is amazing.

It’s a place where I’m greatly valued and affirmed. Where many of my talents and passions are being utilized well and purposefully. It’s not everything I want it to be and now I have some new goals, but it’s night and day from where I was. Now, I’m going to pursue another Master’s degree, this time in Public Health with a focus on Community Health Education, something else I’ve always been deeply interested in. On top of that, I opened an Etsy shop (shameless promotion - follow my shop on Insta at @theempoweredlifeshop) where I can sell my art and share something with others that has always brought me joy, peace, and freedom. I just love creating. This has been super empowering, actually.

Having something that is completely my own and free from the constraint of having to report to someone is so incredibly liberating. I love these new dreams that have been made possible because of a failure that I never knew I needed.

Through all of this, I’ve actually felt myself in a place again where I can look at the world and the people in it and see beauty and hope rather than despair and purposelessness. But this didn’t happen right away. It took a few months after getting the news that I was being let go to really own my story. Yes, I had wanted to leave anyway, but I wanted to do it on my own terms. Yes, I knew I was a good teacher and I hadn’t really failed. But when you know you’re good and you have given so much, for years, and the people who were supposed to be leading you don’t see value in you, well, it hurts; and overcoming the self-doubt that starts to manifest is an incredibly arduous process.

Yet, here’s the acceptance part: In owning my pain, I’ve found greater depth of empathy and compassion for myself and for others. But it took so long to get there. And I still harbor some resentment toward God and my previous employer. Because of this, I’m still working through rebuilding my identity and regaining the unshakable confidence I once had in myself and my abilities.

What I’ve also learned is that I needed to face certain death, or failure, for whatever new and better chapter my life is headed toward. But it takes hard work to get there. I thought once I had removed myself from teaching, everything would be instantly fixed.

Well, here’s the part I was wrong about.

The resurrection didn’t just happen right away. I did not become “me” again “just like that” as I has thought I would. There are still many things I’m working through. I’ve learned that you can get out the of the environment or away from a person or people that is causing you harm, but that doesn’t mean the emotional injury is miraculously healed, gone, poof! Like it never existed in the first place. I wish.

So now I’m re-learning how to be vulnerable. I’m re-learning how to selflessly love without expecting anything in return. I’m re-learning how to be confident in who I am and who I was made to be. I’m re-learning how to go forth with who I am and who I am going to be without hoping someone else will come and save me.

I’m learning that failure can take away our capacity for anything other than survival. I’m learning that failure can seal us into a place of emotional isolation. For that entire year, I just wanted to protect every part of me. I always had my defenses up and my capacity for empathy and understanding was severely lacking.

Pervasive failure such as this story, can lead us to interpret the words and actions of even the most well-meaning people as a threat. Their genuine thoughtfulness sounds more like, They must want something from me,

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This Is... or They’re lying, trying to trick me, or They’re keeping a hurtful secret from me. The list goes on.

Failure can teach us to assume the worst. So now, I’m re-learning how to believe the best. I”m re-learning how to embrace the world instead of always bracing for an attack. I’m re-learning how to believe in people, how to trust people, and how to really love people like I used to; how to really love myself like I used to. I’m re-learning what it means to forgive.

I’m finding that in order to truly love and to confidently step into anything purposeful, you have to be free. The more I make choices that lead to freedom, forgiveness being one of them, the more I find I’m able to freely love; without expectation or the need for

that love to be returned. In choosing freedom, I’m learning to free my spirit regardless of what others have done or may do in the future.

But it’s hard. So very hard. And many days, frustration that I even had to go through it all in the first places comes creeping in. I’m so often frustrated that healing from it is so hard too.

And I’m frustrated as soon as I make progress, I have a nightmare about it, or anxiety rears it ugly head, trying to convince me that all of that progress is just a lie; that I will never move forward. That I will never see my glorious resurrection.

But each day gets a little better. I celebrate everyday the things that bring me freedom, confidence, and restoration. And I’m learning to trust again.

I know that hope is still present and grace is still carrying me. I can see light and love and beauty in the little things again. I can more openly trust again. My capacity for extending grace to others is widening and deepening once again. I can look at the world and be left in awe of it rather than scoff at it with disdain. I’m learning to reimagine what I always thought I would be and what I always thought I would have by now, and I’m having so much fun shattering the limits and expectations I had once set for myself and reconstructing new, better dreams out of all of the broken pieces.

My heart is hopeful once again. My heart is brave once again. And oh, how sweet it is.

“I’m learning to re-imagine what I always thought I would be and what I always thought I would have by now, and I’m having so much fun shattering the limits and expectations I had once set for myself and

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reconstructing new, better dreams out of all of the broken pieces.”

This Is...

[Opinionated]

On Flu Shots By: Krista Bridges

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This Is...

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elcome to 2019! You may be reading this new issue cuddled under a cozy blanket mid-January, perhaps snowmageddon has hit, but you have your tea in hand, Yankee Candle lit & ready to take on an afternoon of hygge. OR maybe you’re wrapped in your 5th blanket, sipping on the CVS brand of Cold & Flu with a pile of dirty tissues by on the floor next to you. Gross.

Should have gotten that flu shot… wait, maybe you DID get the flu shot and this is still how you ended up!? WTF. To get the flu shot?

Or not to get the flu shot? THAT is the question. This is probably one of the hottest seasonal topics outside of politics. It divides families and there’s a whole bundle of misinformation out there. But is it really necessary? Before I share my feelings on this, let’s get some of those myths cleared up and the facts straight.

I took to my network and did some research, I spoke to the medical experts, spoke to the moms, spoke to MY mom (who is a nurse), spoke to different generations, spoke to the strong opinionated on both sides and I took notes. I had questions (and I had misunderstandings) and I needed the facts before I spouted my stance on this. Here’s what I learned...

Flu Myth: The Flu Shot makes people sick.

True or False: False. According to my medical friend Neil, the flu shot is a dead virus. It is grown in eggs as a medium (egg-allergies beware!!)

The virus is removed from the eggs and killed. The virus particles are what are given in the actual shot.

There is however, a weakened version that is given nasally in some instances but this is the rarity. The

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sick feeling you have with any infection comes from your body releasing cytokines and other inflammatory chemicals (meaning the common cold doesn’t give you a fever; your immune response to the cold causes the fever). This is why some people WILL feel lousy for a few days after the vaccine but that means your body recognizes the virus as foreign and is working hard to remove it and remember it for the future.

Flu Fact: (Again, thanks Neil for the technical facts.) The flu kills. People die every year from the flu and its complications; primarily older and younger people. But the most important aspect of the flu is that is causes people to be susceptible to post influenza pneumonia (the majority of flu related deaths). The difference is that the body is already weak and in a heightened response state so the reaction causes an overdrive effect aka sepsis. This post-flu pneumonia is actually what kills the majority of patients related to flu though it normally wouldn’t.

Flu Myth: It’s a conspiracy! The government is trying to control us all!

True or False: False. (Or is it?) Let’s just put this one aside. Have you seen Outbreak? I haven’t. Probably for this very reason.

Flu Myth: Vaccinations cause higher rates in behavior development disorders.

True or False: False. I would argue that what we eat, the hormones, GMO, and how our food is made has a lot to do with our developing bodies, but that’s another article for another day.

I heard a lot of this: “I hate needles, so I won’t get it, but I make my kid get one.” I heard this from more than one parent and I have to raise

an eyebrow to that philosophy.

Personally, I have never gotten a flu shot. Knock on wood, I have never gotten the flu. I grew up in a household where my mom was a nurse, and my dad was a volunteer EMT. We didn’t really take medicines or pop a pill to cure an illness, with the exception of the bubblegum medicine to cure an ear infection or ibuprofen to clear a bad headache. Pretty sure I’m allergic to any of the “cillans” and had a nasty reaction to another antibiotic when I was younger. We were vaccinated with the necessities for school & traveling, and maintained staying well through a balanced healthy lifestyle.

Does not getting the flu shot make me irresponsible? Maybe. Does all this research, and mild guilt going to change my actions? No. Say what you want, call it stubborn ignorance and maybe I’m a horrible danger to society… but you do you.

I would never tell someone to not to get a flu vaccination, but even with all the facts, research and risks I’m still not into it. I don’t expect my opinion to change yours. But I do hope a few of the mythbusters above help educate your overall rational and decision making.

This Is...

[Adulting]

Getting Rid of Religion By: Kendal Munoz

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ecoming an adult is hard. Much harder than I had ever expected it to be. When I was growing up I always thought I would be the kind of person that loved adulthood because I craved responsibility. I was looking forward to being on my own and paving my own path. To no one’s surprise, it wasn’t that simple.

Each year that I inched closer to adulthood I learned something new about myself. Some good things and some bad. But I would say the hardest change to handle as I grew and matured was unfortunately just plain awkward. As I got older I started to realize that my personal views on religion differed from those of my family members that raised me, which was a difficult realization to have.

NARROWED CHILDHOOD I grew up in a Mormon household.

What was unique about my upbringing is that not both my parents are Mormon. My mom practices faithfully but my dad found that it wasn’t right for him. He’s a very logical and scientific person, so the base concepts of religion don’t add up to him. While he didn’t go to church or openly practice the religion he still made a personal choice to live by the same standards that Mormons do. This means he doesn’t smoke, drink, cuss (unless extremely provoked), or believe in any pre-marital relations with another person. So while only one parent took my sister and I to church each Sunday both were incredibly strict with their rules.

If you’re familiar with the religion you know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS), otherwise known as the Mormon Church, abides by a strict set of lifelong guidelines.

People that didn’t grow up in this environment generally can’t understand why these “rules” are in place, and find them to be overbearing. The base concept that the Mormon Church wants to teach is to be a good person. All regulations they put on their members are simply to help people try to be the

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best, healthiest version of themselves.

When I took the time to start thinking about how religion applied to my life I didn’t feel the Mormon guidelines helped me live my best life.

CURIOSITY Looking back I can trace the beginning of my doubts back to middle school.

I said my first cuss word in seventh grade, which if you don’t know, is highly frowned upon in the Mormon religion.

When I didn’t burst into flames after saying shit for the first time I realized the world may not have been exactly like I was being taught at church. From that point on my curiosity ran wild. I found myself interested in boys, the human body, and what kissing a boy would be like. I’m sure most people think of these things as normal middle school attitudes, but that is somewhat less true in LDS culture.

Mormons aren’t allowed to start dating until they are 16 years old. I felt that for most, waiting for their 16th birthday was not a problem. There may have been a general interest in the opposite sex but there wasn’t a burning desire to explore those curiosities for most faithful Mormons. I felt wrong for feeling this way as it went against what I had grown up believing. I tried to suppress all the “dirty” thoughts that I had, but was never really very successful. I had the urges of a normal 13 year old and there was nothing I could do about it.

While I was still in middle school I told myself my thoughts were just curiosities because we started the sex-education classes and everyone began getting their boobs. But when I entered high school I was in a whole new playing field and I wasn’t prepared for the “negative influences” that I would be faced with.

FORMATIVE YEARS As I began navigating high school I was discovering a whole new world. It was a world that had alcohol, slutty Halloween costumes, and males to make out with. All things that my upbringing strictly prohibited. But I wanted to see what those things were about. I wanted to explore high school and the fun that it could offer.

My freshman year of high school I was exposed to dirty dancing for the first time. My friends that lived in Seattle took me to and 18 and under club in the city which introduced me to a whole new world. It was a dirty, dangerous, and exciting world and I loved it. The first time I brought those dirty dance moves to a high school dance I caught a lot of eyes. People wanted to know how I learned to dance so well and some were even jealous. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention.

My moves shocked people mostly because everyone thought I was so innocent, and there was nothing innocent about the way I was shaking my booty.

Dancing made me feel exhilarated and extremely rebellious.

I really started discovering who I was during my sophomore year of high school. In the fall of 2009 I had my first kiss at the age of 15. While I was only a few month away from technically being allowed to get into those kinds of shenanigans, I still felt naughty for doing it. I felt like I had grown up so much just from that 30 second interaction. At the time I felt like I had become an adult, but unfortunately I had no idea what that actually entailed and how far I really was from it.

I started dating my first boyfriend just a month later. While I don’t know for sure if my parents knew what I was up to I still felt disobedient. It was an adolescent relationship at best. We only hung out outside of school twice and he didn’t have a cell phone to text with so contact was limited to brief meetings in between classes.

Sure there was some excitement about having a boyfriend and he was a hometown hottie so I felt special, but mostly I enjoyed feeling like a normal teenager. It was refreshing to feel like I was equal to my peers. I felt like the Mormon label that was stitched on my forehead was starting to fade, and it felt good. It felt natural and I felt like I was starting to behave as my true self.

REBELLION At the age of 15 I also had my first sip of alcohol. All through my life I had told myself I would never drink and I would

This Is... never do drugs, and I genuinely believed I would stick to those standards.

Living an LDS lifestyle for so long I had sat through plenty of lectures that told me why drugs and alcohol are bad for our bodies. But when I was at my first party and a beer was put in my hand I decided to try it. I thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever tasted. I guess matured taste buds were something that came with adulthood as well.

The Mormon that was still in me was disappointed in myself. I had broken religious rules, my parent’s rules, and my personal rules. I decided to alter my personal stance on the matter to ease my conscious, so my new rule was that I would never get drunk. I may have tried alcohol but if it was a one-time thing I couldn’t get into too much trouble with my parents or the man upstairs. But that didn’t last long.

Within a couple of months I drank myself to intoxication for the first time.

It was confusing and exciting, disappointing and exhilarating. I wanted to do it again, so I did. Part of becoming an adult was feeling like I had the power to make my own choices. For the first time I was doing just that.

They may not have been the smartest choices but at least I was the one making them. Even though I knew the LDS don’t condone the consumption of alcoholic beverages I didn’t consider myself a trader quite yet. There was much more to come that would help me to take shape.

For me this didn’t feel like a standard rebellion. Most teenagers go a little crazy, but I felt like I was growing. Not yet an adult I was discovering who I really was in somewhat of an unconventional way. I knew I had a lot of maturing to still do but I also now knew that my religion had been holding me back. I was breaking Mormon rules and I didn’t feel bad about it. So I let it continue.

DIRTY THOUGHTS, DIRTY ACTIONS I’d had a lot of sexual thoughts since I started high school and I decided to let myself explore them. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take it too far and act a

bit promiscuous, but I felt good. I felt rebellious and I felt like I was behaving like I’d always wanted to. My actions started with harmless make-outs but eventually escalated to me losing my virginity. While I was shocked with myself, I think in my soul I always knew this would happen before I was able to plan for it. And If I didn’t let my life take its natural course I would just continue living a lie.

THE REVEAL After a few fun months of these antiMormon behaviors there was an unfortunate incident that put me in a very tough position. I could either tell my parents about my promiscuous behavior or a third party was going to do it for me. I knew I had to rip off the band-aid and take the plunge myself.

This was hands-down the most lifechanging experience I’d had in my 15 years of life. In the Mormon religion when you commit sins as large as I had there is a very specific set of steps you must go through to right your wrongs.

As expected, after hearing everything I had done my mother asked me to go through the repentance process so that I could become pure again. At this moment I realized who exactly I was.

I told my mother no. No, I would not seek forgiveness for what I had done because I had no regrets. I wasn’t acting out of character or going through a phase, I was being myself.

She didn’t take it well. I have no doubt that my mom still thinks about that to this day and I will forever feel guilty for breaking her heart. But I had to be true to myself. My parents took me to counseling because they thought I was a troubled child going through a psychotic break, but even though that was incredibly embarrassing I don’t blame them. Also growing up in LDS households they had never really been exposed to the kinds of things that I was doing. It was all new and scary for them. As I reflect on that experience I see how important it was for me to go through that. If it weren’t for that I would probably still be hiding my true self and I wouldn’t have the confidence that I have today.

LEAVING THE NEST While high school was a little awkward after that because my parents had no trust in me, I eventually got to leave the nest. College opened my eyes and it was great to be considered an adult.

I was completely on my own. When I moved from Seattle to California I felt like a snake that had shed a layer of skin. It was refreshing and new.

For the first time I got a real glimpse into what adulthood would look like and I loved it. I could come as I pleased, I could stay out as late as I wanted, and most importantly I didn’t have to go to church every Sunday. I had continued attending church throughout high school to please my family, but knowing that I no longer had to do that felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. I could be myself and no one knew anything different. No one was predisposed to think of me as the Mormon girl.

Going to brunch instead of church on Sundays was very strange at first. In the Mormon religion Sunday is God’s day, so the only acceptable reason to leave the house was to go to church.

They see it as a day of rest so errands shouldn’t be run, groceries shouldn’t be bought, and your thoughts should revolve around God for the entirety of the day. I can say that still to this day I feel slightly strange when I venture out on Sundays. I obeyed this rule for 18 years and breaking it feels a little bit unnatural. But as I’ve become more comfortable with it, it feels great to be embracing my freedom.

In my first year of college I rebelled just as I had my sophomore year. I met a guy and for the first time I spent the night with him. Every night. For an entire semester. Having sleepovers with my man made me feel incredibly adult.

Up until this point that was something I just saw in the movies. It wasn’t something I thought I would be able to do. I was so happy and loving the freedom that life now gave me. I truly felt that I was becoming the independent person that I was always meant to be.

FACING REALITY For the first few years of college I con-

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This Is... tinued to go to church with my mom whenever I’d go home. I didn’t yet have the confidence to tell her that I was no longer attending. I believe I was a sophomore when my mom finally asked me if church was still a part of my life. At the time I believed my answer to be the truth. I told her that I still believe in the teaching of the Mormon religion and fully expected myself to return to those practices one day, but for now I needed to see what else life could offer.

After that conversation I felt so empowered. I had admitted to my mom that I was paving my own path, and though she was probably sad, she was okay with it. Her acceptance of my decision gave me more confidence than I could have imagined and I no longer felt like I needed to hide. I still didn’t feel comfortable talking about the crazy things I did but I knew I would be accepted for being myself.

This was the point where I felt I had

actually become an adult. I had matured and faced one of my biggest fears. If I could do that then I could do anything. As the years went on I put myself further and further from the restraints of the Mormon religion. I eventually moved in with my boyfriend which was an obvious no-no. Shacking up before marriage was unheard of for faithful Mormons. But by that point I knew that I wasn’t one and that was okay with me.

ACCEPTANCE Since then my parents have seen the mini bar I have in my apartment, and my mom has even encouraged me to order a drink when we’re out to eat.

Although I would feel too uncomfortable to do so the gesture meant a lot.

It meant my mom was trying to accept me for who I am. That was huge. For the first time just a few months ago my parents saw my drink for the first time ever at my best friend’s wedding.

It was confusing to a lot of people why I was so nervous for that to happen,

because I am a grown woman and can make my own decisions. For someone who grew up in a strict household like mine, it will never feel fully comfortable disobeying your parents even after your out from under their control.

It’s obvious to tell that the growth process is still ongoing because even after nine years I still get nervous about showing my true colors. But going through all that I went through, overcoming all that I overcame, and continuing to make strides to show my family that I am comfortable in my own skin has shaped me into the adult that I am today. I have confidence in my decisions and the support that my family will provide me despite our religious differences. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to accept yourself. And even though the adult that I am today is very different from the one my parents thought they were raising, I know I’m who I’m supposed to be, where I’m supposed to be, and doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

ca o t e l b a e b t l o u t d g a n e i th th l h u g f i u m o o t r u f th a e t n n b ve e e r a e d f s f ’ n i e A d r . e f y “ It l w r se ve r y e u s i o th y y o a ht t d g o d cept u t o se o m th p a p s u I t s en g r ’m n a i that I p o o d y h d m w n e a m n ’ , o e I b w o the o t ” n . k d g n se I i o , o p g d p n i e u s b s i o a m t r ’ I d e se r o e p h p w u , s e b m ’ I t wha 24

This Is...

[How-To]

Make Friends in a Siloed World By: Notoya Blackwood

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This Is...

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side from the monotonous task and responsibilities we have as an adult, it seems that we sometimes forget to make the time to introduce new people into our lives. And although we may have been able to maintain some friendships not all friendships last and some we outgrow because we are living in the millennial world of constantly on the move and it seems as though living in silos has become the norm. Adulting has caused us to live in a siloed world where most people are solely bound to their routines and the thought of putting one's self out there to make friends is scary and some are hesitant to introduce new people into already existing circles.

The word silo is defined as “a system, process, department, etc. that operates in isolation from others” Oxford dictionary. Starting at a young age we are all brought up in this silo world starting from elementary school then fast forward to entering the working class society. Therefore, elementary school up to high school are usually when lifetime friendships are formed but after high school, things change and most people leave home for college. But even in a silo institution as college, it doesn’t feel as isolated because of its many social aspects and activities so making friends is easy and inviting. However what happens when you make it to that glorious finish line known as graduation and say goodbye to the friends made. We are then forced to leave one silo and enter another form of silo world and this one can be the most isolating of them all. Reason being is that we have now officially entered the world of adulting where we are now on the straight and narrow path of being focused on making sure the bills are paid and the lights stay on. As an adult with solely the responsibility of one’s well being it becomes hard to introduce new people into my life and working makes it harder to have a social life especially with having social media where I can easily check-in on friends.

As a millennial, the preferred way of communicating with people has become mainly through texting or social media.

Technology and social media is a useful invention created to make communications easier and our life more efficient where we never have to leave the

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comforts of our home however it also has its drawbacks of constantly checking our phones or going on social media.

It’s made it difficult to break the repetitious cycle of constant working to actually go out and socialize with people or even catch with people we have met in passing especially with more time spent on social media specifically Instagram watching people post themselves living their best lives then feeling down about ours. Even though consciously knowing that it’s the best-highlighted part of a person’s life but subconsciousness cannot help but want that life being portrayed, so, we stay siloed.

The fear of acceptance and rejection also plays a big role in staying siloed. No one wants to put themselves out there to be rejected by another. There are also those silo groups of friendships that are created almost like a sister circle that cannot be broken but is impossibly hard to let new people in. I have gone out to social events designed to connect with other people but there are those that go with friends to the event and stand in circles which made it hard to embrace other people and defeats the purpose of meeting new people. This, in turn, makes it difficult to approach the group as I dread the thought of being rejected so I stayed away. I also struggle as an adult in finding people that actually compliment my personality or share the same interest as I do which in turns gives me anxiety at the thought that someone might not accept me for who I am. I never thought that as an adult it would become harder to make and keep friends or even struggle to fit in with people. This struggle of wanting to be accepted as in turn pushed me into a corner that feels scary to come out of at times especially that fact that I am an introvert who gets her superpowers from being by myself.

Being an introvert I have had to make it a priority to actually go out and open up to people and like my favorite nude lipstick, I apply my confidence each time I enter a room which a made it somewhat easier to meet people. The fears of being rejected have had to be pushed out of my head. Friendships can be formed in the most unlikely situation but I have really had to be open and welcoming to the idea.

I spend the majority of my time at work so I found it easy to makes friends through

work and have taken that friendship outside that confinement of work. I also find it helpful using apps like Meetup where there are numerous groups created by people looking to interact with other people who they have similar interest with or you can also create a group on this app as well. I have used Meetup to find a group of women who had similar experiences as I did where they had just gotten out of a relationship or were new in town and needed to meet people.

One of the ladies I did end up forming a friendship with because we had a common interest of wanting to travel. In a year we ended up traveling to places new places and making memories that will last a lifetime. Sadly our friendship ended because we were just not on the page but if I hadn’t opened myself up and letting go of the fears of rejection and acceptance to making friends I probably would have never been able to check certain places off my list of places to visit and I also learned more about myself within the friendship and the types of people I want around me going forward. Even though this friendship didn’t work out I didn’t get discouraged to not let people in as a matter of fact I got the confidence to actually go out and talk to people without being reserved or shy.

So my advice to anyone who may be in a situation like mine or just moved to a new place is to go out, be present in social settings, don’t use your phone to cover up that fact you’re out alone (trust me I know that trick), it makes it hard for people to approach you, know that it’s okay to be the first to start a conversation (personally I feel like everyone is waiting for someone to come up to them because no one wants to be the first) and don’t iced people out. Finally, if the conversation went well don’t be afraid to exchange phone numbers, not for the skate of exchanging numbers and never staying touch with them but having the intention of getting to know that person.

We all have fears but don’t let them hold you back from putting yourself out there.

Just like anything else in life in order to make and sustain friendships you have to be willing to put in the work. We have to find our tribe to be free from living in a siloed world of only doing the mundane daily task and living on our devices all day. So go out and find your tribe and don’t forget to wear your confidence like a badge of honor.

[The World]

National Parks Edition

This Is...

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By: Carla Marie

every single time. The views were incredible.

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About a year after moving to Seattle, Anthony showed me a book he took from his parents house when he moved, “National Parks: West” and it was all over from there. We decided to begin planning a trip to Yellowstone National Park with all of our east coast friends. The plan was for them to fly to Seattle and we would road trip it together to Yellowstone. Fourteen people were in the original conversation… three of us ended up on the trip that summer. Like I said earlier, east coasters have NO idea what to expect from a national park. In July 2017, Anthony, our friend Tommy, and myself set out on a road trip to Yellowstone, Mount Rushmore, Badlands and Devils Tower. This was the trip that changed my life and overall view of vacations.

good portion of you are going to read this and say “Duh, Carla Marie, you’re late to the game” but when you grow up in New Jersey you don’t really have the privilege of easily visiting our National Parks. Plus we didn’t have the internet or Instagram to show us all the cool places we didn’t know about like we do now! That’s why it took until the summer of 2017 when I was 29 years old to visit my first park and as dramatic as this sounds, it was life changing.

In 2016 I moved from New Jersey to Seattle, Washington to kick off my own radio show for iHeartRadio. I drove across country with my best friend and co-host, Anthony, and we could not believe what we saw on our drive. Views like snowcapped mounts or wideopen plains with the most beautiful sunsets are not the norm in New Jersey. This was when I realized there was so much more to see in this country.

In New Jersey people hang out with their friends on Sunday’s for “Sunday Funday” where everyone goes to the bar and drinks at 10am.

In Seattle, “Sunday Funday” is very different. I was being invited on hikes Sunday morning and places weren’t even open for brunch! I laugh now because it’s so normal for me to spend my weekend hiking but prior to moving I had hiked twice in my entire life. I accepted the invitation to go on a few hikes and I immediately understood the obsession. Conversations I had with friends while hiking were awesome, the exercise was great, and I could not believe what I saw

We drove into Yellowstone and it was much like the feeling I get every time I go to Disneyworld.

I wanted to run around and see everything! Except, instead of Mickey and princesses you’ve got Bison and Bald Eagles. Our campsite was on Yellowstone lake. It was gorgeous! There was a tree in the middle of the lake! The fee per night at our site was about $22. Imagine staying in a hotel the week of fourth of July for $22 a nigh?!. Granted, you have actual amenities and a bed with a hotel but if you’re looking for a good old American vacation, this is the one.

We explored the ENTIRE park. Top to bottom. The biggest mistake we made was doing the most research on Yellowstone as we were driving there rather than ahead of time. I read the National Parks: West book in the backseat in-between playing road trip games. One piece of advice I read was “85% of visitors don’t actually see the whole park.

They stay in their cars or visit the sites on the side of the road and

This Is... don’t venture far into trails.” We said we would totally not be those people. Except…we totally were those people. I’m kind of embarrassed by it now! There was just so much to see. And the parks is HUGE. It takes a minimum of two hours to drive from the south end to the north end and that’s hoping a Bison isn’t blocking the road for 30+ minutes. We wanted to visit every spot on our map and while we did, we never ventured too far from the paved road. Don’t be us when you visit Yellowstone! We still saw amazing views and we still fell in love with Yellowstone. I describe the views as a stock screensaver or desktop background…things you don’t think are real! My pictures will never do the views justice.

There are geysers and hot springs and animals everywhere! It’s something you need to see and feel on your own to truly understand.

We ventured into Grand Tetons National Park which is actually connected to Yellowstone before heading to Mount Rushmore. It was cool to finally see the national monument in person and not in a textbook. The next park we visited was Badlands in South Dakota. This could be a day trip or a one-night trip and you will experience everything. I literally felt like I was on Mars. It’s a playground for adults.

We climbed these massive clay-like rocks and hiked deep into the formations. I saw the greatest sunset of my entire life at Badlands.

The three of us vowed to do a National Parks trip every year. And we continued the tradition in 2018 when we planned our trip to Crater Lake and Yosemite! Remember when I said I learned from the mistake of not planning ahead of time?

I bought books and a map and I read and I marked things down and I plotted what hike was best to do each day based on timing and lo-

cation of our campsite. I went full Park Ranger on the planning of this trip and it was incredible. We got out of the car at Crater Lake and out loud we all said “HOLY SHIT!” I’ve never seen anything more breathtaking and I don’t know that I ever will!

The grandeur of Yosemite is indescribable. You will never feel as small as you do in Yosemite and I mean that in the best way possible.

Rock formations that are so large and so high up you can’t see other humans on them with your naked eye. Waterfall after waterfall, redwood after redwood, it is WILD. Literally. I’ve never been more scared in my life at Yosemite. I’m not afraid of heights or anything adventurous but there’s a spot called Taft’s Point where you can walk to the edge of a cliff. I literally COULD NOT make my legs move. I actually crawled so I could peak over. I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about it right now. I couldn’t believe people climbed these rocks or slack-lined across them (Google it, it’s nuts).

It’s so hard to describe what you feel when you’re in a national park.

There’s something so peaceful about staring at gorgeous views of untouched land with wild animals roaming. I’ve been the calmest and the most at peace when visiting national parks. I fell in love with the entire National Parks system when I first visited Yellowstone. I decided I want to be a Park Ranger when I retire from radio. I say that in a funny way but also very serious at the same time. (I was a Park Ranger for Halloween this year) I’ve never been passionate about anything other than radio in my entire life, and then I stepped foot in a national park. I picked up a National Parks passport to make sure I could keep track of all the wonderful places I visited.

Getting people to visit National

Parks is the hardest part but once they’re in, they fall in love and want to protect the park. (Except if you’re one of those people who litter. And if you are I am going to find you and dump your garbage all over your bed and we’ll see If you ever litter again.) After the first trip we began hearing from people all over through social media saying that had never thought about doing a National Parks road trip until they saw us posting. This was the coolest. Being able to inspire people to explore and essentially give back by doing so is the greatest. We know Teddy Roosevelt created the National Parks system as we know it today but it goes as far back as Abraham Lincoln. He saw breathtaking views and wanted the public to be able to experience the splendor of the land with unobstructed views so he sanctioned a bunch of land for the people. Lincoln said “I think... that the wild lands of the country should be distributed so that every man should have the means and opportunity of benefitting his condition.” I’d get into the full history of National Parks but you’ll learn all about them when you visit. Oh, and thank a ranger when you do!

P.S. Plan ahead. Campsite booking usually opens up nine months out and they go FAST.

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By: Amanda Reilly The day that “I wish I could wear something like that.” turned into “Why can’t I wear something like that?” is the day that changed me forever. It wasn’t about a swimsuit…it was never about those pieces of fabric, or any fabric for that matter. It was about loving myself in the present instead of loving how I had been or how I could be. It was about realizing that I was worthy of giving myself the love that I so freely give out to others like lollipops at a bank. It was about changing my mindset and being more positive to a body that I’d spent so many years loathing.

My husband posted a picture of my son and I splashing at a splash pad and all I could think of was how happy we both looked and how we wouldn’t have had that moment if I would have been too shy or timid to wear the swimsuit. I realized that I didn’t want to care more about what other people thought over how much I love my son. That’s how Wear the Swimsuit on Instagram was born and it’s been a gift to others (myself included) that promotes body positivity.

The term “body positivity” has become a buzzword in society, and especially on social media. This in itself isn’t a bad thing; in fact, it’s great to see so many people posting about how much they love themselves and the skin they’re in! In fact, sometimes we see a little too much of people on social media.

But, as we’ve all realized by now,

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it’s hard to have nice things as a group. People always want to take ownership of something that isn’t solely theirs to begin with.

After posting a picture on Wear the Swimsuit, I received a comment saying that “’body positivity’ is used for marginal bodies only.” She further clarified that she meant “fat bodies” or “disabled bodies” and that those people “don’t want thin, white women to steal and benefit from terms mean to bring awareness to marginalized bodies and the oppression they face in our society.” She admitted that she was a thin, white woman trying to pass on education to me. For the record, I’m a fat Latina.

I didn’t want to start a debate about who gets to have rights to a certain term when I posted the picture. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the “sit around a campfire and sing ‘Kumbaya’” type, but I just wanted a few people get the warm fuzzies when they see a post on Instagram from the page. Although I acknowledge that the beginning of the movement can be found in the fat acceptance movement, I feel like the definition has been broadened in recent times to include everyone.

Furthermore, you can look at a person and not truly know anything about them. If you saw a picture of me, you’d see more rolls than a bakery and eyebrows thicker than molasses (though nicely shaped). You can’t see the fact that I’m an eating disorder survivor who has been dealing with body issues

since a little boy jiggled my arm and called me fat when I was 7. You can’t see the fact that I am living with PCOS and that my own miracle was born via c-section.

You know those “thin, white women” that you don’t want to steal and benefit from a certain buzzword? You don’t know her internal struggles that may or may not marginalize her based on your personal definition of the word.

The struggle may be real, but struggling isn’t a competition. By acknowledging your struggle, I am not diminishing mine in any way. By allowing everyone to use a specific term, you aren’t demoting the needs of others.

Not only do we all have bodies, but we have the ability to not only be positive about the bodies of others in addition to our own. It’s about realizing that not just certain bodies are worth acceptance and praise. All bodies are valuable, regardless of their size and ability. You and I both deserve to live in our bodies without prejudice. We both deserve to have that moment when we say to ourselves, “Why can’t I wear something like that?” and wear the swimsuit.

I am positive we can all be body positive.

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This Is...

[Healthy]

By: Tatum Garino

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his article should really be titled “I didn’t eat pizza for 21 days” because that’s the real miracle. Or even “I didn’t take a nap for 21 days”.

But, in all seriousness, the article title is appropriate because it’s reflective of what I did - Beach Body’s 21 Day Fix. For those of you don’t know, this is a 21 day program that consists of daily 30 minute workouts taught via video, a daily meal replacement shake courtesy of Shakeology, and a complete eating guide based on your lifestyle and goals that really hones in on portion control (and even provides nice little portionsized containers to measure!).

Why’d I do it? I’ve gone back and forth with being great about my health from working out consistently and eating right to laying on the couch and eating Taco Bell. And, the reason for the back and forth is I’ve never found something sustainable for the life I want to live. And most of the time it’s unsustainable because it’s too restrictive and doesn’t allow me to feel like I’m living. So, I was looking for a solution that I could keep doing while living.

I’ll tell you right off the bat, I didn’t like the three different apps for this program. There was one for my meal tracking, one for the workouts, and one for the group I was a part of for accountability purposes. I thoroughly do not understand why they can’t all live in one place.

Anyway, I started a week early with getting back into working out and eating right. Not 21 Day Fix status but I did review it two days before my start date to be well equipped. I also chose to cut out dairy at this time to figure out some skin issues so it was just another restriction to add. But it was easier to do amidst the fix since I had the resources to come up with alternative nutrients.

I did the first workout with a friend the day before my challenge actually started to see what I was in for. At first all

was well, until we had to switch to the modified versions of some workouts... push-ups for 60 seconds straight?!

You’re dreaming. So, on our knees we went. But by the end of the workout I felt great knowing I had busted out a solid, jam-packed sweat sesh in 30 minutes that offered a ton of room for growth by the end of this thing. Plus, as I’ve mentioned, I was looking for a sustainable solution and I feel like I can totally manage fitting in 30 minutes to workout each day!

That first workout I did felt pretty simple but the next day my muscles were absolutely sore - muscles I didn’t even realize I had had been working.

My friend I worked out with texted me that day saying the same thing - thank god I wasn’t alone.

During the first real workout of the program I had to get rid of weights at times. And I sweat. And my heart was PUMPING. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize the workouts were in order...so on day two - the peak level of soreness - I had to do the same workout again.

On day three I called the virtual instructor names during my workout.

As she told me to squat I verbally responded to my screen and, by proxy, her with, “I’m already sore, bitch!” Not my finest moment. I also threw in a few fuck yous during the rest of the 30 minutes - yes, each workout is 30 minutes but if it were any more I would have cried.

I would also like to say that pilates and yoga days were not restful even though I think they were supposed to be considered “rest” days. Case in point: Beach Body focuses on the booty. Regardless of the workout I did or the “rest” day I completed, each day my butt was in a constant state of ouch - and not only when I was working out. Speaking of yoga, I already knew I wasn’t flexible but yoga day taught me I’m the least flexible human ever. I think I got better over the 21 days?

On day five I was short a serving of vegetable and fruit and I was at the movies with a friend, so we decided we’d get fries as my veggie and a glass of wine

as my fruit. #balance But I didn’t! I had like five fruit snacks and a water instead!!! But I did miss my workout that day. I kept going and didn’t give up on the program though!

The next day I didn’t eat enough before my workout so I started getting light-headed and needed to do the modifications a lot but I got through it. I realized weekends are the hardest since you’re no longer on your schedule and in your regular routine. Plus, with socializing you actually have to plan working out into your schedule so that it doesn’t get missed.

On the last day of week 1 it was one of those days where I didn’t eat dinner until after 8pm so I was only able to fit 20 minutes of the workout in but it was better than nothing and a complete mindset shift for me realizing that something is better than nothing as opposed to giving up since it was a busy day and I didn’t have enough time. I loved that I could workout from home with this because I didn’t have to worry about the added time to get to the gym or worry about it being open when I needed it.

On the same day it seemed as though my jeans went on a little looser, I felt as though my body hated me. It was the middle of week two and I was exhausted. I did not have renewed energy from working out and eating healthy yet. In fact, I thought I might fall asleep at the wheel driving to work that morning and then I thought I would fall asleep at my desk once I miraculously made it to work.

I stayed awake that day and eventually got the renewed energy! TMI alert: during my time of the month I noticed the most benefits as I had energy, wasn’t bloated and I didn’t get my usual headaches that I’m used to every single day. I’m attributing the lack of headaches to the food I was eating as my doctor has told me that it was probably the cause of my headaches during that week each month but I always refused to listen. Clearly I’m stubborn but not too stubborn to admit I was wrong.

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Throughout the 21 days, working out was the hardest part. I tried doing it in the morning before everything else but that meant waking up at 4:20. So I tried twice and went back to sleep twice.

proach towards my nutrition for the day. It prevented me from snacking as much but there were definitely times I was hungry by the time I got home from work at 4:30PM – so not exactly a convenient time to eat.

Also, their favorite saying is you can do anything for 60 seconds and I say false.

I can’t get fucking stabbed for 60 seconds straight and no, I cannot do push ups for 60 fucking seconds straight unless I get a 55 second break between each one.

What was really nice is when you’re not eating a ton of shit, it’s easier to tell how your body reacts to certain foods because it’s just that food - no other ingredients. On day four I discovered Brussels sprouts make me gassy as fuck. But I didn’t learn apparently and ate more the next day and cramped - so, no more.

My last note about the workouts: I farted during my workout one day when I was flexing my abs a little too hard and my husband was in the room. So that was cool.

Overall, the challenge accountability helped because knowing I had to check in added a level of motivation to “not be that guy” (or girl) who was slackin’.

But that’s not totally fair, because I did slack a bit. I was not committed to making my own sauces and seasonings.

I wanted this to kickstart a lifestyle for me and I know I’m way too lazy to keep that shit up. If I wanted a life making that shit I’d go work at Hidden Valley.

But, I did stick to the portions. I kind of just avoided sauces altogether and if you understood my love for Red Robin ranch you’d know what a feat this was.

I did have barbecue sauce, coconut aminos, and buffalo sauce during this time though.

With the meal plan, the hardest part was the inconvenience and inability to eat out. In regards to sustainability, I think I can totally continue eating according to this methodology at home but allow myself to eat out here and there.

With the 21 Day Fix I became so much more aware of proper portion sizes and much more cognizant of what I’d already eaten that day as opposed to thinking about the healthiness of each meal on its own. It changed my frame of mind from viewing meals in silos to viewing each meal as an extension of the last, leading to a more holistic ap-

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The 21 Day Fix also made me a lot more creative with dinners, because you can only eat chicken and veggies so many times. I also learned to keep carbs for the end of the day so I had something to look forward to. I don’t know if that was the healthier choice but I didn’t really give a fuck.

Even though I was saving my carbs until the end of the day, I wasn’t eating as many as I used to – which was a good thing. But, I missed carbs so much that I drove by a car that looked like a pizza delivery car at one point and actually got butterflies in my stomach thinking about pizza. And guess what? IT WASN’T EVEN A PIZZA DELIVERY CAR. What I learned throughout this process is I can stick to a schedule during the week but I want to live on the weekends. I won’t go out of my way to eat shit but I won’t beat myself up if I have a few too many carbs on a Saturday or eat some candy at my movie.

No, it won’t add to my physical health but it sure as hell will add to my mental health!

Not Your Pre-Mama Body

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By: JL Rosa

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kay, here it goes, I’m just going to say it… I never lost the baby weight. I know, many of you are thinking, SAME, but here’s the thing. I don’t even think I’m considered postpartum anymore. In fact, my quick Google search tells me that postpartum is considered the first 6 weeks after childbirth. My daughter will be three years old sooner then I’d like to admit, so that makes me just around 135(ish) weeks shy of postpartum.

Let me start by saying, this is my rainbow baby. I found out I was pregnant with her about two months after going through a “missed miscarriage”. So, with that being said, pregnancy was terrifying for me. I stopped working out the minute my pee hit that test stick. And I proceeded to gain a lovely 60 pounds throughout my pregnancy. None of my 6 doctors were concerned and thankfully I had a relatively easy pregnancy, giving birth to a tiny 6 pound baby. So my fantasies of losing majority of the baby weight in the birthing process were just that, fantasies.

The minute my daughter was born it hit me, and not that head over heels, my life is complete, god I’m so in love feeling. I mean the anxiety and overwhelming fear of “oh my god what did I do?” So my body (nor any of my own needs or even wellbeing) was not my main concern for a good amount of time. I did start a steady work out routine when my daughter was 4 months old. I found a local Stroller Strides class and I 100% credit it with helping this new mama gain some mental peace. But, if I’m being honest here, I really struggled with wanting to lose the weight.

Weight has always been an obsession of mine. I was overweight majority of my life and as a young adult I lost around 100 pounds through working out and healthy eating. But when I thought about losing the weight, I kept coming back to the same question “was I really happier as a size 2?” And following this path of honesty, I have to say that even at my skinniest, and I mean 5’9 130 pounds skinny, I still thought I was fat. That’s not what I wanted to teach my daughter. I wanted a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

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When A was 10 months old I went back to work. At 11 months old, January 1st, 2017, I committed to losing the baby weight. And I had a super successful first month! I joined two “Biggest Loser” contests to keep me accountable, and the super competitor in me slowly became obsessed again. By Easter Sunday 2017 I had successfully won $100 proving to be the “Biggest Loser” and was 10 pounds from my pre-baby weight! And then, the icing on my cake happened, I got food poisoning. By this point, if you’re still reading, I’m sure you’re thinking “what kind of psychotic person is excited about food poisoning?” but guys I’m telling you, I lost 5 pounds in 24 hours! It was great. But here’s the thing, there I was 5 pounds away from my pre-baby weight, everything I ever wanted and yet, I was nowhere near the size 2 I was before, I couldn’t get those pre- baby jeans past my thighs!!

I don’t remember when it hit me, but at some point I realized that this beautiful miracle my body had performed (see guys, I warmed up to her, don’t worry!) changed my body forever. And this theory that I could just go back to being the exact person I was before carrying her was crazy. Now, we all know that woman who walks out of the delivery room and fits back into her pre-pregnancy clothes in minutes, and ya know what that’s great! Good for you! But A LOT of women don’t have this experience and that’s perfectly fine! In fact, it’s expected. Yet society has this crazy way of peer pressuring all of us to believe we are not the norm!

I actually had a cousin ask me when I planned on losing the baby weight at A’s first birthday party. “You just worked so hard to be skinny before” he said, as veins probably burst from head, barely being able to grasp what I was hearing.

What does that even mean? We need to stop telling other women (other people in general) what they should be doing with their bodies. In fact, unless you’re a doctor, you should have no opinions on how much weight other people should lose, or gain!

The thing is, whether I was still not as “skinny” as I was before my daughter, I was a hell of a lot stronger. I could run longer than ever, I could do crab dips, something I’d never been able to do before. And today, if we’re still keeping tabs, I can do actual push-ups. You guys, I could never do that, ever! I can also function on limited sleep, work 40 plus

hours a week at the office in addition to keeping a tiny human alive, and stuff my whole adult social life into the 1 hour I have after bedtime. I mean, I think you’d agree that I’m basically a superhero.

I know you’re really hoping that this story has a happy ending. That I’m sitting here typing this in my favorite pair of ripped American Eagle jeans, but the reality is, I’m not. And I feel that we’re good enough friends by this point that I have to tell you not only are those jeans packed away in a box forgotten with no hope of ever getting back into, but I just ate my weight in pizza. And, to make it worse, I didn’t go to my kickboxing class for no other reason then, I didn’t want to. Slowly somehow, amongst eating my daughter’s pre-chewed scraps and the increased amount of wine, I’m pretty close to my “right after birth” weight.

Even with working out 4 times a week!

But, here’s the difference, I am learning to love my body.

I have accepted that I may never fit into the clothes I once loved, which is okay, and if I do great, but I’m no longer going to pressure myself about it. I have found new cuts of dresses that accent my womanly hips. I am embracing the enlarged thighs and butt my squat heavy works outs have given me (shout out to my trainer!). Do I want to stab myself in the eye when people say “but wasn’t she worth it?” Absolutely! Because the answer to that question is, I love my daughter but a lot of the time I still wish I hadn’t gained all that weight, and I think that’s perfectly okay!

Some days I still wake up disgusted with myself for failing to stick to my goal. I was so close! But in reality, I’m living a balanced life. For the first time in my life I have found a workout routine that I absolutely love. I discovered the art of meal prepping, so Monday to Friday I eat healthy home cooked meals and prepacked snacks. Now could I learn to cut back on the amount of Buffalo wings I intake on the weekend? Probably, but I’ll get there, when I’m ready, because contrary to what we’ve been programmed to believe, there is no time limit. This isn’t a pre or post body, this is just your average mama keeping it all together.

[LOL Worthy]

My Most Embarassing Moment of 2018

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Photos courtesy of @hannah_marie

This Is...

[Newsworthy]

Radiate Healthy Living

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lana Lima was born in Brazil, grew up in Miami, and moved to Hawaii for college where she’s a business major while taking a holistic health program outside of school and running Radiate Healthy Living – a website for holistic health tips and information geared towards women and now essential oils! Growing up in Brazil Alana was really close with her grandparents because she was the first child and her parents had to work so her grandparents took care of her a lot. In fact, it was her grandma that inspired her to create Radiate Healthy Living because when she was 15 her grandma passed away and in the same year her grandpa passed as well and Alana blamed their health, nutrition, and lifestyle for the cancer that took them from her as they lived a life full of Diet Coke in the mornings, cigarettes, and more. After their passing, Alana became really motivated to spread the word that the way you live can really affect your health. At the time, Alana was in high school and was working with a program for kids with mental disabilities and she decided to teach them about health and wellness with simple questions at first, like “What’s your favorite vegetable?” to get the conversation going. She realized there was something missing when she got responses from that question like, “Potato chips” and so she co-founded Radiate Happy Living where they would teach kids at the park about healthy choices and provide kid-friendly brochures with tidbits like “Carrots are good for your eyes!” to get children thinking about the connection between what they eat and their health.

Then, Alana left for college and left the program behind to friends in the community. When she got to college Alana decided to major in business because she knew she wanted to do something on her own. But, after one semester she knew something was missing, so she did some soul-searching and realized she missed what she was doing with Radiate Happy Living. And, at the same time, Alana was going through

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some changes towards a more natural lifestyle, getting off birth control, and turning towards alternative medicine.

When she couldn’t find a lot of support for women’s health Alana decided to create a space of knowledge and support for women to learn how to be their own healers and take care of themselves naturally. That’s when she launched Radiate Healthy Living.

Tatum Garino: Tell me more about what Radiate Healthy Living does and is. The oils you sell, the service you provide, etc.

Alana Lima: It’s a work in progress for sure.

TG: Like most things.

AL: Yes. It’s mainly a platform where I share personal experiences about my own health/life journey as well as advice and different holistic healing methods and theories that are safe for people to try and experiment with.

Such as the principles of ayurveda, understanding your body by examining your tongue-chinese medicine etc.

- all things meant to spark up some self-awareness and mind-body connection. I also share recipes, insight on women's health issues and I created a spotlight where I interview women who have overcome their limiting beliefs and are creating something with their passions to help inspire and give support to other women. Recently I have incorporated a little online store for essential oil blends that I plan on expanding on in the future. I guess what it really is, is a combination of all things I am passionate about and that I wish to share with the world. Because I’m doing the holistic health program, I’m exposed to a lot of knowledge and theories and more of an overall understanding of health and wellness and holistic health is just an approach to health and wellness from all aspects of life – so not only food but like your relationships, your environment, everything. So I created the website at the same time I started this program so anything I’m learning that I think more people should know about I’m putting out there and sharing information I’m being passed down or researching or reading books about. So people can read about these things from me

and then apply the concepts to themselves. So I put the information out and people can use it as they wish. So I started by sharing information and then I recently decided my focus and niche is women’s health so I’m moving that direction even though I think my primary audience has always been women. And so with the oils I’m doing some special blends specifically for women’s issues.

TG: What’s its mission and purpose?

AL: Radiate Healthy Living is a project that has been created with a purpose to provide women with resources and guidance to help them become more in tune with their bodies and lives and feel capable of self-healing and reaching goals in a holistic way. Its main purpose is to empower women through their holistic health journey and give them some guidance and resources along the way. Soon I hope to work with more women one on one of let up more structured health plans.

So far I work with one family friend for free.

TG: Why are these values important to you?

AL: When I decided to become more holistic myself and I quit birth control, I was looking for a natural doctor to support my decision and guide me towards ways I could balance my cycles and I found no help. I had one try to prescribe me Xanax because she felt I was stressed. And someone else said there was nothing I could do. I did the research myself and found so many resources. When I decided to become a holistic health coach, I knew I wanted to focus on women's health, hormonal imbalances and be that support for other girls and women looking for natural alternatives and guidance through all phases of a woman's life.

TG: And I’m assuming the oils you sell align with these values, tell me more about them.

AL: Yes, I’m so excited about the Radiate Oils. It's been a project I’ve been working for over a year now. They are blends of essential oils that are therapeutic and help us naturally deal with daily imbalances. I currently have five out on my website now. Two of which

Photos courtesy of @hannah_marie

By: Tatum Garino

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TG: Where exactly does the money you make from the oils go?

AL: It goes to Ho’ola Na’pua, an organization that helps girls that have been victims of sex trafficking. And they’re actually building a space that can hold 35 girls at a time where they can help them mentally and physically and provide them with therapists, programs, and even some strengthening and self-defense classes to help them reintegrate into society and feel worthy and help them heal from their tragic experience. At the time that I learned about this organization I was starting to create the oils and I really wanted the proceeds to go somewhere and I wanted it to be women-related so when I heard about it I felt really aligned with it and I wanted to help them and they’re small and volunteerbased so I wanted to help.

TG: That’s really cool. So you said you learned about them when you were starting to make these essential oils but what made you want to create them in the first place?

AL: I’ve always liked using essential oils on myself but I didn’t know too much about them until I started this program and I started finding out about plant medicine and more about that so I started doing some more research on plants and how they can help your health. And one of the ways your body absorbs nutrients is through your skin. And I thought that was cool because it goes into your blood system right away so I started playing around with it and realizing what it could do

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for myself. Then I started giving them away to friends and people really liked them so I decided to make more and I think it was the entrepreneurial side of me that decided to see where it goes.

TG: How did you go about figuring out how to make them and what was that process like?

AL: Working with oils is really nice because when I started looking into oils I started looking into other skin care stuff like lotion I realized that anything that needs water it’s really time sensitive because it can grow mold and stuff but when you use oils there’s no issue with that. So I started doing more research on oils and I think the basics of it is understanding each oil and all of the blends usually require a carrier oil, which means you can use like almond oil or apricot and coconut oil is weird because it hardens but any oil you can apply to your skin and then you put the essential oils and blend in with the carrier oil so it won’t be too hard on your skin because essential oils are really concentrated. So I think that’s the main thing is understanding how much carrier oil to use and then knowing not to use an oil that reacts weird with the sun and doing that type of research to figure out how it’ll affect skin and when to use it.

work one on one with people or maybe create holistic health plans to help women with specific health issues and possibly in the future work/host retreats. I also plan on expanding my line of products. I’m kind of spontaneous, so sometimes I’ll be thinking of what I want to do so for a while I’m stuck with drawing blank and then I’ll be washing the dishes or driving and an idea will come up and I’ll be like ‘Yes! That's exactly what I want to do’ so who knows?

Things are always changing but I know whatever I decide to do will be a step forward in towards my mission.

TG: What’s made all of your hard work worth it?

AL: Noticing that what I share is actually inspiring people and bringing selfawareness to many girls. Sometimes I’ll receive messages from complete strangers or people I haven’t talked to in a while telling me how much they relate to my content or how much an oil they purchased has helped them deal with PMS or even people requesting more information on certain health related things and those connections fill me with joy. It makes me feel like all the hard work on the backend is paying off and that I am aligned with my mission.

TG: Okay so switching gears, this issue is focused on acceptance and accepting ourselves wherever we are in our journey, where do you stand with acceptance and what does it mean to you?

AL: One of the biggest steps in accepting myself and honoring myself was starting the website. Because when I started my website I launched it but didn’t tell anyone about it until like a month later because I was being so self-conscious and it’s something a little different and I was scared people would judge me and of what my close friends and family were going to think.

Then I realized those thoughts were really limiting and I think that’s when I talked to a close friend and finally opened up to her about my passion and she said it was amazing and that I should do it so she gave me that push and looking back I realized it’s really important to honor yourself and do whatever makes you happy. And now when I’m faced with things where I’m questioning what ifs I work on my negative thoughts because your thoughts are everything. So I wouldn’t consider myself to be totally confident and I feel like my whole life is a work in progress but in that journey I’m working on bettering my thoughts toward myself and honoring myself and feeling happy not with the results but with the process of everything – I think that’s the key.

TG: What are your future plans for Radiate Healthy Living?

AL: I’m currently enrolled in a holistic health program and plant-based chef program. I plan on using the knowledge I acquire from these programs to

TG: I think that’s beautiful. So what advice do you have for other girls and women finding their way to acceptance or wanting to do something similar to your passion or just following their own passion?

Photos courtesy of @hannah_marie

are specifically to help deal with women's health imbalances. Moon Cycle is a blend made to help deal with PMS, cramps, and mood swings and is meant to help make that time of the month more pleasant! Then, Harmony Within is the first blend I created to help deal with PCOS and Fibroids by balancing out hormones and helping our body heal those naturally. My other three are : I Radiate Peace, I Radiate Joy, I Radiate Clarity - I call them the affirmation blends! One helps to relax and reduce stress and anxiety, the other is a mood enhancer and boosts energy, and the third helps reduce brain fog and increases memory retention.

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AL: Do it. And don’t overthink it. Because I think a lot of us are focused on making something perfect and constantly looking back or rehearsing and trying to work on it so much before you put it out there to the point that it just stresses you and it’s never going to be the right time or be perfect. So put something out.

Do it and go from there, you can always change it. You’re not limited.

Use code THISISMAG at checkout for 20% off your oils! https://radiatehealthyliving.com/ @radiatehealthyliving

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By: Christine Towey

As we ring in the new year let’s kick it off in style! Take your mimosa and put a huge twist on it by making it in cake form. This recipe is perfect for your brunch or after a delicious dinner.

Orange cake: 2 5 3 4 6 2 2

cups flour Tbsp orange juice, no pulp cups flour tsp baking powder eggs cups sugar Tbsp orange zest

Directions: Mix together the wet ingredients. In a separate bowl mix the dry ingredients together.

Slowly fold the dry ingredients into the wet mixture. Once fully mixed, pour into three greased 6in round pans. Bake for 50-55 minutes at 350 degrees.

Champagne buttercream: 2 cups butter 6 1/2 cups powdered sugar 1 tsp vanilla Pinch of sea salt 4 Tbsp champagne (more if you like the flavor but it will make it watery!)

Directions: Put butter into mixer and mix on low until the butter makes a slapping noise against the side of the bowl, leaving little waves as it goes. Slowly mix in the powdered sugar, vanilla, sea salt, and champagne. Turn up the speed of the mixer until the buttercream becomes fluffy and soft.

Cake decoration: You can make your cake however you’d like! You can do single layer cakes with frosting, or build a three layer cake by putting frosting between the layers as you stack them then frosting the outside. The choice is yours!

Slice into your cake and enjoy!

Warning: this recipe does contain alcohol and is not intended for anyone under the age of 21.

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A Birthday with FRIENDS: The One Where Corey Turns 30 Parties are great but here are some tips for making them even better with a TV show theme along with some examples from a FRIENDS themed birthday party!

TIPS: - Theme: Focus on the fact that the party is based on a TV

show with production-inspired things like the show titles, and video clapperboard but Also focus on the life within the show with things like costumes, decorations, food, and even gifts!

- DĂŠcor: Use the font from the show title for signage and try to recreate a set design from the show

- Photobooth props: Use sayings sticks with quotes from the characters in the show.

- Food: Use food the TV characters are seen eating often!

- Miscellaneous: Title the party in the same format as

the show episodes are titled, play a trivia game based on knowledge about the show, and take it up a notch by dressing up as a character from the show!

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[Good Shit]

Your Favorite Things in 2018

Courtesy of @lindsayy_dye, @crystal_rausch, @thecarlamarie, @tatumgarino, @mamaamandabear, @amanduh_navz, @ jakester_3, @windandwaterapparel, @georgiewendy, @radiatehealthyliving, @kellyeyre, @mbhayes352, & @stayimadreammer

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Jacket The Boxy Metallic D ot Crop Je an

High Rise Skinny Jeans

Heartache Moto Jacket

90s Crop Moto Jacket

Petite Black Jean

cket im Ja

Den Wash Acid p o r C

High Rise Skinny Jeans

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By: Tatum Garino

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s a lover of clothes, I have a hard time getting ride of them – even if I haven’t worn them in a year. And, as a long-torsoed, short-legged female, I have a hard time creating outfits that elongate my body. So, I called in the expert. I invited Andy Bucher, creator of Bucher Styling, into my home for a closet haul. During this closet haul Andy helped me choose a garbage bag full of clothing to donate thanks in large part to her simple yet effective rule of “If you haven’t worn it in six months, toss it.” During this closet haul Andy also created a shopping list for items that would flatter my body.

Shop the look she determined for me on the left that consisted of super high waisted jeans and cropped jackets. After the haul, we sat down at my dining room table with Andy stylishly clad in an effortless casually chic all black outfit consisting of a Carhartt beanie, light-weight black long sleeve and ripped black jeans.

Over coffee we discussed what Bucher Styling is, why she created it, and how she got here.

Tatum Garino: Tell me about yourself – what’s your background, passion, story?

Andy Bucher: I was born and basically raised in Southern California. When I was in the fourth grade my mom got a job opportunity up here in Seattle and so I moved up here and started elementary school in Seattle and basically lived here ever since except for the two year period I forced Danny [my husband] to move back down there with me. I have three siblings, I’m the oldest and I love them all. I went to school for fashion merchandising. I have two AAs from a community college – one in marketing and one in fashion merchandising. Then after I graduated from there I kind of realized maybe I should finish this out – it was really important to my grandpa that had passed away. So I went to school to get my Bachelor’s degree. I got my degree in fashion marketing – combined the two.

TG: Okay so I know you have a blog, It’s a Basic Babe Thing – tell my about how you started that and what made you want to do something like that.

AB: So my blog actually started with a class that I took in college. It was an eCommerce class where our teacher

wanted us to create some type of website or product where we could sell or market and create it all on our own. So from that class, I ended up making this blog and [my teacher] really saw something in it and wanted me to keep running it. And I follow a lot of Instagram bloggers so of course my dream is “I want to not work and be a blogger” or really being a blogger is work. I wanted to keep it going but obviously when I don’t have a due date and a teacher nagging at me it’s not as easy but that’s where that came about.

And then, the styling thing I’ve always wanted since I became more passionate about fashion and realized that’s where I want my career to go. And that passion kind of came alive when I worked at Nordstrom. I did the anniversary sale and I realized my strength was not in selling whereas when we had the anniversary sale I had to make appointments and people really complimented me and saw my strengths come alive when I was decorating the dressing rooms and setting them up, pulling clothes, laying them out, you know – doing the whole nine yards. And when the client would show up they’d be like, “Oh my God, this is awesome!” and that’s when it became obvious that this is where I excel and this is what I would love to do because I love dressing people and I want to make people happy at the end of the day.

TG: Awesome! And so what exactly do you do when you style someone?

AB: So right now when I go and I style someone I basically kind of do an evaluation where I ask what’s your goal out of this? what are you looking for – is there something in particular or are you just trying to take what you have and learn how to style it or are you trying to get ride of stuff – what is the ultimate goal behind all of this? And then based on what they answer determines how the appointment goes. For example, I styled my stepmom and she was like, “I am kind of over my closet – there are things I don’t know how to wear or I haven’t worn but I love them.” And there’s been “I have too many clothes and I want to get ride of them, I need a refresh.”

TG: That’s my problem.

AB: Yeah! And so, I realized that a lot of these bloggers are just telling you what to buy versus how to take what you already have and utilize it, right? And I find that when I talk to women a lot of it is “I just don’t know how to wear it.” or “I have it and I love it but I just don’t know

when to wear it or what to do with it.” or it’s “I have too many clothes but I feel like I have nothing.” And now you have someone coming in with a fresh perspective being like, “Oh, you can wear it this way or this way.” And I never want to send people out to spend more money than they have because this all kind of started when I was in college – I can’t afford a Gucci t-shirt or the Gucci loafers that are in style, right? So that’s also part of what my blog does is find some of the knockoff items and incorporate it into your everyday style. Like if that’s what’s on trend right now you don’t need to go spend $800 on a pair of shoes when I found them at Target for $25. So that’s kind of the whole goal behind my styling. I’ll come in and I’ve had clients try on every piece in their closet and have them tell me what they like and what they dislike because I don’t know, that’s not my call. You have to have a very unbiased opinion and just let the person explain to you what’s going on and it might not be my style but I can tell when somebody looks like aged or too young and that’s not what you want to do.

TG: Like wearing crop tops at 40?

AB: Exactly, or it’s just that pattern isn’t flattering to your body style or this fit isn’t flattering for your shape. Like let’s find something that’s more flattering and I’ve even gone shopping with clients and made them try on skinny jeans and this client was like, “Absolutely not, I am in my 50s I am not wearing skinny jeans.” And I was like, “Try them on and tell me how you feel in them. And if you truly don’t like them after that, you don’t have to wear them. I’m not asking you to buy them, I’m asking you to try them on.”

She tried them on and of course I put her in an expensive pair because they always have a better fit and feel – it’s the quality you’re going for and if someone’s uncomfortable in that style you want to put them in the better one versus the less expensive version so they’re comfortable in it. So I put her in them and she couldn’t take them off. She was like, “I love these, I’m going home with them.”

And she started wearing skinny jeans ever since. And this is someone who was like, “I am absolutely never putting my ass in skinny jeans. Nope. Not happening.” And it’s things like that that make it worth it to me too because being able to get outside your comfort zone and I’ve had so many people tell me, “Only you can wear…” or “Only you can do..” or “I could never…” and honestly all it takes

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TG: So you mentioned the skinny jeans story, do you have any other success stories?

AB: Another one was I did a closet and I was like, “You have got to stop wearing some of these clothes.” She’s an accountant so she’s in like a pretty sophisticated workplace and she has to wear business clothes all the time and she was basically dressing like she was a high school teacher almost. And I understood that it was comfortable and she had a very girly style but we needed to dress her up, not down. So I got her to buy a few pieces and she sent me a photo the other day of her in this really pretty black pencil skirt we had bought with this fun loop on the top and she wore it to a wedding with a black top and these heels I got her to buy and she looked great! But it was something we had bought her for work that she then wore to a wedding and I was like, “You’ve done it! You’ve graduated!” And it was great to see and I love it when my clients send me pictures being like, “Look! I did it! I cuffed my jeans and I wore those booties.” So it’s like teaching people too how to transition outfits. So any of those are success stories to me.

TG: Those are great! And what’s your goal when you’re styling someone?

AB: My goal at the end of the day is just to make sure you’re happy. Because for me, clothing is such a personal thing and I know that when I don’t feel like I look good in what I’m wearing I don’t have a good day. I am uncomfortable with how I feel about myself, I can tell it comes off to other people and so I just want them to be happy and feel confident in what they’re wearing and how they feel about themselves.

TG: That’s great because I totally feel the same way about clothes setting the mood for my day. What are some of the biggest misconceptions you’ve found when it comes to personal style or fashion in general?

AB: It’s hard because I went to fashion school and I don’t feel like I always need

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to dress to the nines but I feel like people assume that that’s what I’m going to do because I went to fashion school.

TG: How funny.

AB: And so I’ll just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and I’ll go out and people will be like, “Oh you always look so cute.” And I’m like, “…I just threw on jeans and a tshirt.” And they’re like, “Well I could never wear it.” Like, it’s jeans and a t-shirt!

I don’t know what else you want from me. So that’s definitely a misconception – that just because I went to fashion school doesn’t mean I’m always going to dress up. The second is yeah, people are always like “Only you could wear that confidently. You can always pull that weird stuff off.” And I’m like, I guess but at the same time it’s just because I buy it and I take a chance on it. It’s not that I can or can’t. There are things that I feel like I can’t wear like booties for example – I don’t feel like they look good on me yet I have girlfriends who wear them all the time. It’s just a personal preference but at the same time it’s taking that leap of faith and being like, “I’m going to rock the shit out of this today.” Another would be people thinking they can’t afford fashion or trendy items or even a stylist like myself. Of course I’d like to make this a career and make money off of it but my main goal is to make people happy so I’m more than happy to work with people and have people even come to me if they just need help organizing their closet, we’ll figure something out.

But I think if it’s important to you to feel better in what you wear and that’s a big issue you’re having with your self-confidence, take the time to talk to somebody, reach out to somebody and spend the money on it because it does make a world of difference.

TG: Absolutely. How to determine how to style someone – like what are the factors that go into it?

AB: Well I think it really comes down to their personal style. I might have my own but my job is not to put my style on somebody else, it’s to figure out what they’re comfortable in and what they like. And I feel like I’ve always been able to read people and figure out what they feel good in with an unbiased opinion.

Like I’ll look at someone and I’m like, “Oh, obviously you like color and pattern and this and that” and I can pin point that which is why I have them go through their closet so I can evaluate

what their style is and I can figure that out. And so, I come in with an open mind and evaluate their clothes and when I style them I show them what’s trending now and if it’s not something they want to do that’s fine, we’ll figure out another way to style but we need to try things.

It’s all about them. It’s about what’s going to make them happy and who they are because I’m not here to change their style or change who they are, I want to make sure they feel comfortable in what they love to wear.

TG: Do you take into consideration age, body shape, location they live even?

AB: Oh, absolutely. I’ve styled a 50-yearold woman who is having some weight issues right now and just needed to feel a little more comfortable and she’s in the process of losing weight to a 27-year-old who is in a very business-centric job who is like 90 pounds and lives here versus the other lives in Southern California. So yeah, it’s age, weight – all of that plays a factor and I’m never going to style someone the exact same way because no one is the same.

TG: And so how do you restyle or style someone while keeping their personality? Because I know you look at what they already have in their closet but let’s say their style is dressing too young for their age are you able to transition that into a style that keeps their personality but is age appropriate?

AB: So with that I just try to find alternatives. I’m like, okay so you really love this color but maybe the shirt it’s on isn’t an appropriate piece for this person to be wearing so I’ll try to research and find alternatives. Because I’ll also send you likes to places that I think will have items that you like or an exact item to show you the color you want in a piece appropriate for your age. And I have to be delicate about it because I can never be like, “That makes you look like a 10-year-old and you’re 50.” But, it kind of is that balancing act of how do you want people to perceive you? Do you want to be perceived as a mature woman or a young adult?

And I have to have those conversations and it’s definitely uncomfortable but my job is to kind of be blunt about it. I’m not going to send you out with these items without telling you my honest opinion because if I’m not being honest with you I feel like I’m just lying to you. Because that’s not my job and you know like that 27-year-old I styled had round-toed flats

This Is... and don’t get me wrong, there are styles of round-toed flats you can wear with certain outfits that are appropriate – I even have some – but you cannot wear a black round-toe flat with slacks and a dressy shirt and call it a day and be like, “I’m going to work and I’m 27 and I have a career.” That’s just not how that works.

So I had to have that conversation and I was like, “Let me tell you, I’m sure they’re comfortable and great and you can keep them because I don’t want to make you get rid of things that you love but let’s put a pointy-toed flat with this outfit because I’m going to tell you right now it will take you from this 15-year-old that you’ve dressed to the 27-year-old that you actually are just by changing the style of your shoe but keep it black so you can wear it with anything you want and you don’t feel like this item is a onetime use.” And then I’ll teach you if you’re going to buy an item, how to wear it so you don’t feel like it’s for a specific outfit or whatever. So I’ve had to have those uncomfortable conversations.

TG: Yeah, and so do you ever have people who just won’t let go of a certain piece that you’re so against?

AB: Absolutely. But like I said, it’s about them feeling comfortable in what they own and if that item is just a “have to have” then you know what, wear it. And I will help you figure out how to wear it and make it more appropriate or elevate it. But, again, I’ve also had to have those uncomfortable conversations because that 27-year-old had this shirt with the ugliest pattern I’d ever seen that was very 90s but I let her keep it because she loved it. Because if that’s what makes you happy who am I to tell you no? There are things that I have that I guarantee you nobody else would wear or nobody else would like but it’s not about them, it’s about me and how I feel in the clothing.

So I’m not such a hardass that I’m going to be like, “GET RID OF IT!” TG: Okay so walk me through what the styling process looks like from start to finish.

AB: So first it’s a conversation of what you’re looking for and the goal of the appointment. Then it’s me coming to your house and you trying on every piece in your closet. While they’re trying stuff on I kind of talk them through things like, “With these pants, we’re going to cuff them.” or “We’re going to tuck this shirt in,” “We’re going to leave this shirt

out,” “We’re going to put a jacket on this,” “This is what this outfit is missing, do you have it? No then let’s add it to the shopping list.” So every item that they try on we figure out how they’d wear it.

TG: This is so involved!

AB: Oh yeah but it’s fun! Because they kind of have fun playing dress up and I help them. So it’s really three major steps: What’s the goal? Go evaluate your closet.

And then the third step is giving you instructions and after that if you so choose I’ll go shopping with you and help you pick out pieces or if you do enjoy shopping I’ll send you with your shopping list and with links to go on your way.

TG: So this issue is all about acceptance, how do you think style and what people wear can help them with accepting themselves?

AB: Well I’ve always had weight issues and I’ve felt like the one constant thing that I could always control to keep myself happy was clothes and even from a young age when I was a tomboy and a super skater, goth chick I wore skater shoes with like straight leg jeans and a skater shirt but when I wasn’t wearing that stuff, I felt really uncomfortable and out of my own element. And having weight issues feeling comfortable in what you own and the clothes you have I think makes you feel better about yourself. So I’ve gone through my phases and now I’m at this comfortable place in my life but if I’m not comfortable in what I wear, it’s going to affect my day and I will change my shirt ten times if it’ll make sure that I feel good that day because going through the weight issues that I have now the only thing I can do about it other than working out and eating healthy is making sure I feel good in what I wear. And that’s also what other people see so I want to make sure that what I see is what other people see and not the weight that I’ve put on. I think it’s all about being comfortable in your own skin, knowing what you like and knowing that even if you’ve put on the weight that doesn’t mean you can’t dress to the weight. And that’s something else I’ll do with clients if they’re trying to lose weight – I’ll have them put the clothes that they’re trying to fit into in a separate place so that they’re not constantly going into their closet to try them on and then having their day go to shit when they don’t fit. I just think clothes are something you can control and

it’s a fast change, right? It doesn’t take months and months and months to get the results you want to see so being able to control that aspect of your life is really important. It’s an external thing and an internal thing and that’s kind of why I got into it.

Andy Bucher of Bucher Styling @its_a_basic_babe_thing itsabasicbabething.com bucherstyling.com

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