This Is... Fall 2018

This Is...

This ThisIs...

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Fall 2018 Edtion

Tatum Garino Baring it all.

How-To:

NAVIGATE ANXIETY

Babies of Homelessness How you can help

The

An alcoholic’s road to a c c e p ta n c e a n d r e c o v e ry

Holiday Issue Read about being single over the holidays, spending holidays in foreign countries, our favorite holiday decorations, and more!

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This Is...

C O 03 N T E N T S

49

53

34

ME

INSPIRING

02

Letter From The Editor

35

A Woman In A Man’s World

REAL

HEALTHY

40 43

Navigating The Holiday Flux Holiday Drinking

LAUGH OUT LOUD WORTHY

45

The Worst Gift I Ever Got

03 Baring It All 15 A Mom’s Halloween Pinterest Journey

VULNERABLE

17

Overcoming Addiction

LOVE

20

Being Single Over The Holidays

FAILURE

23

Fuck Grad School

51 Charity Highlight: Babies of Homelessness

OPINIONATED

NEWSWORTHY 47

GENEROUS

25 Why You Shouldn’t Spend The 58

Holidays With Your Significant Other

60

ADULTING

Boss Babe Side Hustler

PARTY TIME Ringing In The New Year

GOOD SHIT Holiday Edition

Christmas with Divorced Parents YOURS to Christmas as Parents 63 Wear Turtlenecks Not Like Your Mother HOW-TO 64 Holiday Outfits 29 Navigate Anxiety 66 Holiday Decor 27

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THE WORLD

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Holidays Abroad

This Is...

[Me] A letter from the editor Happy Holidays, Friends!

Before I go any further beyond my greeting, I’d like to clarify – I know the holidays aren’t always happy and not everyone celebrates holidays but I, for one, love the holidays despite the madness of family drama and I do celebrate, HARD. So, from this die-hard holiday fan(?) to you, when I say happy holidays I’m truly saying happy days because I’ll be spending my days in a euphoric bliss despite my Thanksgiving food baby, wrapping paper cuts, gift-giving debt, an almost guaranteed longing for a white Christmas, and family members that drink a little too much spiked egg nog. Side note: any amount of egg nog is too much egg nog in my book.

In all seriousness, regardless of the holidays you do or don’t celebrate, I hope you all experience the joyous and generous holiday spirit this season.

You may think that I’m rambling at this point, and you’re not wrong. However, there is a point beneath the rambling and it’s twofold. First, and most obviously, you are embarking on the holiday issue. Second, and maybe a little less obvious, I wanted to start the introduction with a fun fact about myself because you are about to learn some less-thanfun facts about me that are not as light-hearted as my love for the holidays - because I am this issue’s cover girl.

As I wrote that, I internally exclaimed, “What the fuck?” because this is scary and I am currently regretting saying yes to this idea. But, I guess that was the point – for me to be vulnerable and uncomfortable with it because that’s what I ask you to do every time you share your story with me and the world through This Is… Before you go off thinking I’m the most narcissistic editor-in-chief you’ve ever heard of for including an article about myself in my magazine, let me explain. Months ago, I was at a happy hour with some girls and as I was explaining This Is… and its purpose we got on the topic of our own stories. When I was finished sharing the synopsis of my “story” one of the girls asked me, “Why haven’t you shared your story in This Is…?” Initially stumped, I took some time to think and then responded that I wanted the magazine to be a place for people to share their stories so that no one feels alone, and I don’t need to monopolize the pages with my story. She then replied, “But don’t you feel alone by not sharing your story?” I didn’t have a comeback. Because even though I don’t necessarily feel alone, I realized I was being a bit hypocritical in asking you to open up issue after issue and share your stories while keeping mine to myself.

So in this issue, I decided to face the music and bare it all – literally and figuratively. You’ll see me in my near birthday suit, baring my cellulite and makeup-free face to the world amidst the interview my dear friend Crystal conducted through which I share the most impactful narrative in my life – growing up in an alcohol-ridden family.

With that, This Is... the Holiday Issue.

Happy reading + happy holidays!

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hey say never judge a book by its cover but for this one, the editor herself, Tatum Garino, agreed to be interviewed so you could judge her - and it just so happens she’s even on the cover this time.

After a photoshoot sans makeup, hair product, and most clothing for her to truly bare it all, Tatum and I sat down over sushi and wine (ironically enough) to talk about her daddy issues as the daughter of an alcoholic.

Crystal Rausch: So, tell me about your family.

Tatum Garino: Well, I was born in Southern California with a brother who was older.

My mom and dad were married but divorced shortly after I was born. Together with my mom, brother and mom’s new boyfriend, Marvin, we moved to Washington when I was two and a half. Marvin and my mom were together until I was nine years old and they had my little brother during that time. Then after they got divorced when I was nine, my mom dated another man and together they had my little sister, Halle, and after they broke up my mom finally met the man of her dreams, Stan, who is now my stepdad.

CR: What did your relationship with your dad look like after you moved away?

TG: I didn’t see him again until later in life.

Marvin became the father figure in my life, so I didn’t really think much about not seeing my biological father. I even called Marvin Dad. CR: Did you hear from anyone on your biological dad’s family while you were living in Washington?

TG: Yes, I kept in touch to my paternal Grandma and some other family members, but we never really talked about my real dad.

CR: Did anyone talk about your real dad?

TG: He was never really talked about, but I do remember that anytime he was brought up I was always so scared. He’s an alcoholic and I was told that when he and my mom were together, he was in the throes of it.

CR: How did you feel scared of your dad? Did you have bad memories of him?

TG: I just heard things about him from my family. I remember one time in second grade my real dad called and someone in my family asked me if I wanted to talk to him, and I remember being so scared. Another time, in fourth grade, I was at a sleepover with friends and someone woke me up because I was crying in my sleep. I remember dreaming about my dad stealing my mom from me.

CR: How did you associate feeling scared with your dad if you never talked to him?

TG: I was told stories of my dad. I heard he was verbally and physically abusive. I didn’t have my own opinions or negative experiences, just stories from other people to go off. I don’t remember if I asked for stories about my dad or if people just offered them up.

CR: Why would your mom tell you those stories about your dad?

TG: I think there was a general consensus among the adults in my life of what they wanted me to see my real dad as. I’m not saying they shared false stories, but Marvin was my dad so I never thought I needed my real dad according to what adults told me. Thinking about it today, it was a very honest thing to be shared with me and maybe too honest to the point of manipulation.

CR: When did you start talking to your dad again?

TG: Once my mom and Marvin got divorced, I realized that all I knew about my dad were stories and I wanted to decide for myself. When Marvin was no longer legally in my life, I found room in my heart to let my dad in. There was less influence from the adults in my life and I was older.

CR: Did you stay close with Marvin after he and your mom divorced? You mentioned earlier that you had called him dad.

TG: I remember one night being in bed with my mom as she was bawling her eyes out and I knew it was about Marvin – even though I didn’t know the specifics about why she was crying I knew she was sad and I associated that sadness with Marvin and I think I blamed him.

That was near the end of my mom and Marvin’s

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This Is... relationship so I chose my mom’s side and just didn’t have much of a relationship with Marvin after the split.

CR: Did you have any type of “goodbye” with Marvin after the split? They were together for seven years where you viewed him as dad.

TG: After they split, Marvin sent me to counseling. My mom, brothers and I moved into our own place. I think Marvin assumed we would continue having a relationship since there was no goodbye moment. I don’t think Marvin had any inclination that I would cut him out of my life.

CR: Did you intentionally cut him out of your life?

TG: After their split, I just started making decisions for myself. As soon as we weren’t living with Marvin, I just decided at that time I didn’t want to see him because I blamed him for hurting my mom even though I didn’t know how or why. My brothers still went to see him, but I didn’t go with them.

CR: Let’s go back to the counseling thing.

TG: Yeah, basically I ended up in counseling paid for by Marvin. He thought it wasn’t healthy for me not to have a relationship with him because he was my “dad”.

CR: Why counseling?

TG: I took the split the worst. I remember going to see the counselor for a significant amount of time.

I was open and shared with her.

After a handful of sessions, I made a comment about Marvin not being my real dad and the counselor was very surprised. She told me that it wasn’t unhealthy for me not to have a relationship with Marvin if he wasn’t actually my biological father. I never went back to see her after that.

CR: You just decided to stop going to counseling after that?

TG: It wasn’t my decision to end it. I don’t know who stopped it but from that point on I just stopped seeing

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Marvin.

CR: Man, there’s just so much. You’re only nine at this point, right?

TG: Yeah.

CR: Okay, so I have to ask this and I’m sorry if it brings up old wounds. How did it feel to lose your “dad” compared to losing your real dad when you were younger?

TG: [Long pause. If Tatum were a crier, I think there would have been tears in this moment] It was just a transition for me. I needed to find a new person to fill the role of dad. I didn’t think of it as losing a dad at the time.

CR: Do you remember feeling something like “I want a daddy?”

TG: I was just so curious about my dad and I realized that what everyone says isn’t always true. Things aren’t black and white, so it opened the door. Before the split and the counseling, I trusted my mom and Marvin, but now I wanted to see what my real dad was like for myself.

There was less attention on me since my mom was a single mom and had to work. I had some freedom from any persuasive forces influencing my opinions. I knew my dad was sober at this point because my grandma had let me know.

CR: So, you’re nine years old. You’re told your real dad is sober. Did you even know your dad was an alcoholic in the first place?

TG: I knew my dad was an alcoholic from stories. I understood that it made him do things he wouldn’t have done had he not been drinking -like his aggression or abuse. I was definitely able to comprehend the power of alcohol at that age. Hearing he was sober was a relief to me and it allowed me to pursue my curiosity about him. My real dad’s family told me that he wanted to get to know me.

CR: How did you go about connecting with your real dad?

TG: We were having a small family

reunion kind of. Everyone was going to Lake Bluff, Illinois outside of Chicago on a lake for the fourth of July. My older brother and I went. It was the first time I remember meeting my dad.

CR: What was the first meeting like?

Were there fireworks - pun intended?

TG: [Laughs.] Yes, but only for the fourth of July. It was natural, that’s the best way to describe it. It didn’t feel awkward.

CR: Did you have the feeling of “that’s my dad?”

TG: Yeah, it felt natural and real.

Genetically I was so much like him that we meshed well. When you see yourself in another person, you feel comfortable with them. He was at a good place in his life - he was a good dad.

CR: How did you leave that trip?

TG: I don’t remember how I felt when the trip was over. There are holes in my childhood I don’t remember; whether that’s trauma related I’m not really sure. So, I remember very vividly a few moments here and there but not the in between. I remember the trip, but not after.

CR: Did you want to see him again?

TG: I made plans to go visit him in California alone.

CR: Did you two talk in between visits?

TG: Yes, but I didn’t have a cell phone, so it was through home phones. My mom supported it. I’m a little hazy on the timeline, but I was in middle school. Once I made plans to see him, we didn’t try to jump in full swing, like 0 to 100 right away.

We did two, two week trips, with the plan to have longer trips if things went well. Gradually we hung out more and he started to visit Washington. He eventually got me a cell phone, so he’d have direct access to call me.

CR: You mentioned that he was a

“My dad is the best human when he’s sober so I understand why my mom stuck around for the time she did because the good times were really good.”

“Talk about daddy issues - I’m pretty sure this is one of my dad’s old shirts from high school and it’s my favorite shirt to sleep in.”

This Is... good dad. What did it mean to you to have a good dad?

TG: He was really invested in my life.

He was supportive of the things I was showing interest in. I was dead set on going to UCLA at the age of 10. He was able to get me a tour of the campus when I visited. He wasn’t patronizing to my big dreams and goals and took them seriously.

felt like I filled a role. Especially since Mom was in a lot of toxic relationships that I had witnessed.

We spoke on the phone every single day and had the saying “keep the karma going” as our way of always reminding each other to be good people. He was fun loving. He was just a good guy, fun to be around, good listener. My mom called him “Disneyland dad.”

CR: A 12-year-old with a timeline for high school and UCLA. I feel like you grew up way too fast.

TG: [Laughs] Yeah, probably. It never felt like that at the time. I think I’ve lived more life than some people my age. Growing up it was just normal.

I didn’t have anything to put it into perspective for me.

CR: At this point in your life, is this the first time you had the feeling of having a dad?

TG: I definitely loved Marvin when he was with my mom and viewed him as my dad but I think there was just such a significance in the fact that I chose my real dad as opposed to being obligated to have him in my life so I think that significance was a new feeling to me - my real dad became my best friend.

CR: So, things were going great.

TG: Yeah. He would visit frequently and I would go for long trips to California over winter and summer break. At the time, my mom was in a relationship with a new guy that I thoroughly hated. He was 14 years younger than my mom. I remember we would fight a lot and one time he turned to me and said “Respect your elders.” I responded with, “Then respect my mom.” I was 12 at the time.

Once when I was visiting my dad in California, I wrote in my journal that if my mom was still with this guy when I started high school, I would come live with my dad in California because I just wanted to get out of there.

Even though I loved my dad, my siblings are my world. So the thought of leaving them broke my heart. I felt a sort of maternal obligation to them.

I have other alcoholics in my life, so I

CR: You were 12 at the time you made this promise to yourself. Why’d you decide on high school?

TG: That’s a transitory time in anyone’s life, so high school made sense for my timeline.

CR: Let’s fast-forward to high school.

When it came time, were you still wanting to move to California?

TG: I made true on my promise to myself. I talked to my dad and made the choice to move. The summer before everyone was aware that it was happening. I had a big going away party. There was a caravan of people that drove to the airport to say goodbye and that was it. I was leaving. Shortly before I got down there, my dad relapsed after six or so years of being sober.

CR: So, you got on the plane to California not knowing he relapsed the week before?

TG: I didn’t know he was drinking again, but he had been acting strange that week before. I thought it was just nerves. By the time I was down there and moved in, we had a talk.

He didn’t tell me he was drinking, but that he had lost his job. As a 14-yearold, they always say it’s not your fault when you have an alcoholic parent.

But the timing was a little suspect for me to not feel like it wasn’t my fault.

In my mind the pressure of being a full-time dad forced him to drink.

CR: You stayed down there. How did it go with your dad?

TG: I was going to a private school that my grandpa was paying for.

There wasn’t a bus to pick me up

because we lived in sketchy part of town - let’s just say there was a police helicopter overhead every night. My dad would have to drive me to school or to somewhere for a bus stop. I remember us scrounging enough change to get gas to get me to the bus stop.

CR: So, you went from Disneyland dad to spare change dad TG: Yeah.

CR: How did it progress?

TG: He was different and every experience was shocking to me. Let me be very clear, he never laid a hand on him. As much as those stories were told, it never happened to me, so I can’t speak to them. He did throw my phone and that scared the shit out of me. That was aggressive. By the time December rolled around, he was planning to go back to rehab.

CR: When did you realize he wasn’t sober?

TG: I don’t know the timeline. I think it was pretty clear that losing the job wasn’t something that would just happen. If I didn’t realize it from that, it was definitely because he does this thing where he goes on binges and he’ll cut himself off from alcohol cold turkey but he’s like dry heaving in the backyard, so you can’t really ignore that.

CR: So, he did that during the semester? How’d you feel about it?

TG: He did that a lot. He was making efforts to quit. I didn’t put too much thought into it. I was very naïve. He always miraculously found money from people that owed him money.

We would drive to a house to get money he was “owed” and he’d have me stay in the car while he went to the front door. In hindsight he was obviously doing sketchy shit.

CR: When the first semester of school ended, what were your thoughts?

TG: He was dropping me off at the airport to go to Washington for Winter Break. At the airport, we ate a meal in airport Applebee’s and I

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This Is... paid for it and he decided to order a shot. I told him I’m not paying for it, he said, “Then I guess they’re not getting paid.” So,I paid for my father’s shot before I left him.

CR: Did you go back to California after Winter Break?

TG: I moved in with Grandma because dad was at rehab. In the third week, family week, at rehab, I went to it. I did the counseling sessions, learned about alcoholism, codependency enabling, etc.

My dad and I had heart-to-hearts.

He was back to being my dad. I missed him. I cried. It was good to see him with his clear eyes again.

I was so extremely hopeful coming out of it and thought we would go back to the way things were. They recommended that he continue with outpatient, but he opted out because he wanted to come home to me. He ended up coming home. I moved back in with him. Two weeks later, I walked into his room to say something to him and I saw him taking a pull out of a clear bottle.

I asked him, “What’s that?” and he replied, “Don’t worry about it, it’s my special water.” He put it back under his bed and walked out of the room. I went and grabbed it. It was Goldschlager. I poured it down the drain then walked outside with the bottle and chucked it against the brick wall. Our neighbors called the cops because of the noise.

CR: Did your dad see you do it?

TG: Yeah, he knew. He was just stone-faced watching.

CR: Did you understand what had happened?

TG: I got angry after that. Literally and figuratively my hopes and dreams were shattered at that moment. I thought I was enough to make him stay sober and that was obviously hard. But at the time I was 14 years old with daddy issues, so I

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didn’t realize that it wasn’t on me.

Now I have that perspective.

CR: What did you do next?

TG: That summer I was visiting Washington and on the day before my flight back to California, my dad called me and that’s when I told him I couldn’t’ come back. He didn’t take it very well to say the least.

CR: Did you and your dad talk after that?

TG: Over the next few months we talked and I was always crying. He wasn’t forgiving me. I would say I love you and he wouldn’t say it back and hang up. I asked why he didn’t say I love you back at one point and he said, “Because I don’t right now.”

That was that. [Long pause from Tatum and an actual *sigh*] CR: How were things in Washington when you decided to stay there?

TG: Within a week of moving back to Washington, my mom, siblings and I got evicted from the house, so I moved in with one of my friends before the start of Sophomore year.

I lived with her for a few months until my mom got a new job. My older brother was at college, my younger sister was with her dad and my younger brother was with Marvin. A few months later, we got evicted again. I didn’t know where I would go, so Marvin and his wife opened their door to have me move in.

to visit, but I don’t remember him coming. People have told me he was pretty belligerent on that trip. On my first Saturday living with Marvin, I went to my little brother’s baseball game and I met Mitchell, my now husband. He was an older guy, cute. I remember exactly what I was wearing – Victoria’s Secret PINK yoga pants that were athletic gray, not cute gray and a dark brown American Eagle hoodie with messy hair.

After the game, the coaches rounded everyone up to tell family about the season. I made a joke and Mitchell laughed and the rest is history. This was in March.

CR: So, things seemed to be going okay.

TG: With Marvin and life in Washington, yes. But I got call from dad in May – I was sitting outside at Marvin’s on the hammock on the phone for an hour because my dad told me he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was given a year to live. My dad told me that my grandpa, who’s an orthopedic surgeon, diagnosed him – obviously that doesn’t make sense but at the time I was too distressed to question it. Marvin saw I was hysterical and came out. I told my mom. She told me to call my grandpa to see if it was even true. I called my grandpa and he said that it wasn’t.

CR: How’d you feel about moving back in with Marvin after how’d you’d left things a few years ago?

TG: It was awkward. I felt guilty. But I had no place to go. I reconciled with the thought of, “This is really nice of them. I have nowhere to go and at least my little brother lives there.”

CR: Your dad lied to you about having cancer?

TG: I tried calling my dad back.

He was drunk and had made up the whole story. He says he didn’t remember telling me that. In hindsight that probably should’ve been the last time I talked to him, but I still went to see him that summer in California.

CR: How were things going after you moved in with Marvin?

TG: I was still talking to my real dad.

Apparently, he came to Washington

CR: What happened that summer?

TG: He took my friend and me to the beach for a week because my grandpa has a beach house. He

This Is... taught us how to fight for self-defense. I got uncomfortable when he was teaching me, so I stepped aside and let my friend go. I watched him closely and noticed his eyes were glazed over. I realized it wasn’t my dad. He was drunk or something not normal. It was worse than that, he wasn’t present.

After the beach trip my friend had her license, so she drove us all back home because my dad was in the backseat dry heaving again.

CR: How’d the rest of the trip go?

TG: I stayed with my grandma the whole trip and left a few weeks later. I didn’t hear from my dad or get a goodbye after the beach.

CR: Did you continue talking to him after you got back to Washington?

TG: I stopped trying and just responded if he reached out. I didn’t see him. We did have a conversation about a year and half later about how I couldn’t have a relationship with him anymore for my own health. I told him I wasn’t willing to be on the rollercoaster. I told him he needed to be sober.

He didn’t say he would change. He told me I deserved better. Another two years went by. I went off to college - I did get into UCLA by the way but decided to go to USD instead. During the time I didn’t see or talk to him, I still had a relationship with his side of my family. They told me my Sophomore year of college that my dad had been sober for a year. At this point it had been four years since I last saw him at the beach and two years since I last spoke with him. I told my grandma that if he was still sober at the end of the year, he could come with her to pick me up from school.

CR: Did he come to pick you up?

TG: Yes. It was anti-climactic. I was pretty numb. I wasn’t excited or sad. During the car ride, he drove back with me and he was making his AA amends to me. I just said “Okay.” I was tired of words at that point since he made empty promises in the past and I could only trust actions. I told him I was open to talking, but I wasn’t going to be the one putting in any effort.

CR: What happened after?

TG: I studied abroad fall semester of Junior year.

My dad asked if he could come take me out to dinner that January. He did. It was great. It was always great when he was sober. A month later my dad asked to do dinner again. I said yes for Friday night before Mitchell got into town. My dad asked, “Why don’t we do it Saturday, so Mitchell can come?”

CR: How’d you feel about your dad meeting Mitchell?

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TG: I freaked out. I told him I needed to talk to Mitchell first because they had never met. Mitchell knew the history and he said yes. I called my dad back and was giddy about getting together. We planned to have dinner around 7pm and I was waiting on the call from my dad to let us know he was on his way. I texted, and he didn’t respond. I called, and he didn’t answer. Three times. No response. I never heard from my dad until two months later when he left a message apologizing for not coming because in his words, “it just wouldn’t have been right.”

CR: What did you think about that?

TG: In my mind, I was thinking he was drinking and I was thinking, “Fuck this, I’m not even going to respond. I got my hopes up so when am I going to learn I can’t trust what this guy says?”

CR: Did anything happen after that?

TG: That summer I went to visit some of his family. My grandma said my dad wouldn’t be there, so I agreed to come. We were all in the condo and there was a knock on the door.

I looked around the room and wondered who it would be since everyone was there. When the door opened my dad was in the doorway.

I did an instant 180 and tears sprung into my eyes. I started shaking and I think I went into shock. I sequestered into a bedroom and called mom and Mitchell asking what to do. They talked me off a ledge. There wasn’t anything for me to do so I just had to deal with it. As I left the room a family member of mine went off on me.

CR: About what?

TG: That I was making a scene and I needed to be an adult and realize my dad had done stuff to all of them, too. She said if I wanted to be a part of the family then I needed to accept that he is, too, otherwise I shouldn’t be there.

I obviously disagreed and didn’t think

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I was making a scene because I had removed myself in order to avoid just that. And it’s a lot different when it’s your father than your brother. I didn’t care much because I knew it didn’t matter what was said.

CR: What did you do?

TG: My friend and I stayed and ate dinner. My dad talked to me and gave me like $250. I don’t know why but I fucking took it. He asked me out on the balcony to talk during dinner and I agreed. I told my dad the same thing about not having a relationship when he’s drinking. I can’t be half in and half out. He said he understood and that I deserve better - again.

CR: How did dinner go?

TG: I thought it was interesting that my grandpa and uncle, not blood related, asked me if I was okay. They were the only two that asked. People had to have known he was coming and nobody gave me the heads up. My friend and I left that night. I didn’t hug my dad, we didn’t make up or anything. That’s the last time I’ve seen him or spoken to him. That was 2014.

CR: Since 2014, has he tried reaching out?

TG: Random phone calls that I don’t answer. I don’t have his number because it’s changed. He’ll send cards randomly for my birthday. He sent $100 again this year and again, I fucking took it. You can’t buy my love but I’m not giving the money back. I won’t answer random phone numbers with his area code. I got married and I didn’t invite him to my wedding. That was harder than I expected it to be because I cried about that.

I didn’t think I would care because I didn’t want him there. Deep down I had always hoped he would be sober in time to walk me down the aisle.

CR: Who did you have walk you down?

TG: Marvin and my older brother.

Since I moved in with him in high school, Marvin and I have obviously rekindled a relationship. I lived with

him and he’s a parent to me.

CR: How does it feel thinking of Marvin walking you down the aisle instead of your real dad?

TG: I think it makes sense that Marvin and Corey walked me down because they have lived with me through the biggest moments of my life. And when all the shit was going down with my dad, those two were there to help pick me up, just as Mitchell and my mom were - they were the group of people that never let me feel alone. They also were the ones who were those protectors of mine and were skeptical of Mitchell to make sure he was the right one for me. But I’d also be lying if I said I don’t wish my dad could have been there sober. I will always be sad that my dad was not able to be at my wedding sober because to this day, when he is sober he is my favorite human on this planet.

CR: What’s the last you’ve heard about your dad?

TG: He’s sober. My grandma shares info. My grandpa also shared the news that he’s sober. I don’t know exactly how long but usually they won’t tell me until it’s been a longer period of time.

CR: How does it feel after talking about all this? What do you want to do after this interview?

TG: I want control. I want my dad to have met Mitchell. My dad isn’t the only person in my life who is an alcoholic so I want everyone to be the people that I know they can be without the influence of alcohol or some other force in their life. I’m grateful for what I’ve gone through because I think it’s made me be able to recognize that everyone has their own story and you never know where somebody came from. It’s really made me realize that you can really never understand someone because you can’t be in their shoes completely. And the same goes for every person in my life I don’t see eye to eye with, I can never understand life through their eyes.

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I think it makes me want a lot of things. It makes me want to be a different parent than I had. It also makes me want to check myself in my marriage a lot more because I realize how much baggage I brought into it that isn’t necessarily fair to Mitchell because I’m sensitive to a lot of things that I probably wouldn’t be had I not grown up the way I did.

I’m also fearful of alcohol, I’m just scared of it. I don’t abuse it. I just set such restrictions on it because I’m so afraid of it after seeing what it’s done to people in my life.

CR: Looking back, would you have done anything different with your dad?

TG: No. CR: What would have to happen for you to let your dad back into your life now?

TG: I don’t know what has to happen. I ask myself that question frequently and I’ve done that before after telling myself that a year would be enough time to be sober and it wasn’t. So, I don’t know the answer to when it’s enough or at what point I can let him back in.

“Where we are doesn’t determine where we can go.”

A note from Tatum: After this interview I realized there are some things I hadn’t reflected on fully or admitted to myself in regards to how I was affected so this process was extremely therapeutic for me.

But, it’s also really nerve-racking, as it should be when you’re truly being vulnerable. However, my biggest fear is for anyone to be offended by what I have shared because I don’t view my childhood as negative.

I think my childhood sounds worse when I read it in words than it felt going through it. It hurt, don’t get me wrong - I definitely went through a lot of pain but it was also my normal.

I didn’t know any better at the time. I don’t feel the pain now but I’m able to reflect.

I also want to make it very clear that I love every single person in my life, including my father, with their flaws and all. I also recognize that I have flaws and I’m not perfect in any of these situations. My memory is also not perfect, so even though this is how I remember things, that doesn’t mean that everything I’ve said is 100% ac-

curate, it’s just how it’s all imprinted on me, which I think is important because all these experiences have made me who I am today.

To everyone that has been a part of my life, thank you. Whether you’ve played a positive or negative role, or both at varying times, these experiences wouldn’t have been the same without you and these experiences have taught me more than being shielded would have.

Also, to those in my life that are still in my life, thank you for making mistakes and learning from them so I don’t have to. Being able to watch you grow into people I love and admire has taught me that where we are doesn’t determine where we can go.

To those reading this, I also have to admit I haven’t been completely honest with you. There’s more to this story. As Crystal interviewed me, she didn’t avoid asking the hard questions but I avoided answering some of them.

While I knew it wouldn’t be easy to be vulnerable, I didn’t realize it would be this hard. It wasn’t hard to “go there” and talk about what I’ve experienced.

In fact, that part was so easy that Crystal mentioned at one point that the way I was casually discussing my experiences was such a contrast with the dark stories I was telling. But, the hard part was knowing how far to go and how much to share without hurting other people. Because while this is my story, it is heavily intertwined with the stories of others but they’re not getting this platform to share their side of things. And, without knowing why they did what they did, I didn’t want to share my perspective because it’s just that – my perspective. So, by choosing not to be anonymous, I chose to respect the stories of those involved in mine as best I could by refraining from expressing certain feelings, thoughts, and experiences.

These things I chose to exclude will serve me and my story better by being discussed with those involved and I wouldn’t be doing our stories justice by communicating them to you before I’ve communicated them with them. I hope you can trust that even without these pieces of information, I shared myself with you as best I could and I hope that helps you share your story next time.

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Just an Ordinary Mom, Living in a Pinterest World: My Halloween Journey By: JL ROSA

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I

’m going to stereotype here, but stick with me, I think you’ll agree. The world falls into two categories - those who are OBSESSED with Halloween and those who could live without it. I am among the obsessed. So much that my mother tells me I’ve been driving her crazy over my costume since I could speak. And she tells me often, like every year, usually as she’s pulling her sewing machine out of the closet.

The thing is, it’s completely her fault, as my first memories of Halloween are baby me dressed as an adorable homemade red M&M. She set the standards high; really I’m the victim here. I’ve done them all, the cute, the scary, the unique, the classic (i.e Breakfast at Tiffany’s Audrey Hepburn), the sexy, the couples, and the group costumes.

So as a millennial mother, living in the Pinterest generation, I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you that I start my Halloween research during the summer. I stress the crap out of myself trying to think of something no other mother has ever thought of. I scroll Pinterest for hours after bedtime, fall deep into the 11th page of google searches until suddenly it’s the fall and I’m running out of time. I know it’d be easy to let my daughter be whatever Disney character it is she’s watching on repeat this week, but until she’s fully aware of the Halloween concept, I’m taking full advantage of my motherly privileges.

Let me put this into perspective for you, sometimes as a full time working mother; I miss out on a lot. I’m the last one to sign up for class party contributions, because I’m usually rushing in and out of daycare not realizing the signup sheet has been hanging on the door. I don’t get to do midday classroom activities, nor do we usually get to attend evening activities that, for whatever reason, seem to go way past bedtime.

My work hours are unusual due to my long commute, so A is the first kid dropped off and the first kid picked up, which means I don’t bump into other parents in the hallways. And I think that deep down inside, some of this somehow makes me feel like I’m failing at this mom thing. So in result, I over commit in the categories that I can.

(I.e. Halloween and dress up days at school).

And in over committing, I do 2 things: 1 stress the crap out of myself and 2 set the standards really high (oh look at that, I must get it from my mother!).

It was about this time last year when I found the perfect costume for my little A! This was it, something never before seen.

I decided she was going to be pink cotton candy. It seemed like an easy enough

costume to make, minimal supply needed so only one Hobby Lobby trip would suffice.

PERFECT, this sounds like a busy mama win!

dissipate and my pure child (ya know the one whom I’m pretty sure ate her own poop once by mistake)spent her hours trick or treating inhaling them?

So here is my inspiration:

So I searched out an employee to help me find a non-toxic alternative, simple right?

Explaining what I was trying to do, she assured me that she did not have any other ideas for me and I went back on my journey. AKA I turned the corner and stopped to think, when I heard it. “What is this, we need non-toxic paint to make cotton candy, seriously?” followed by laughter. My blood pressure rose and it took everything in me not to turn the corner and freak the CURSE WORD out. I made my purchase, asked to speak with a manager, as it’s just not my style to say nothing at all and left. I needed to call in the big troops for this one. A quick meeting of the minds with my crafty aunt and mother lead me to pink temporary hair color. While it’s not an all-natural alternative, I felt comfortable with it since it’s made for the body.

And my shopping list: • • •

• • • •

Pink leggings: Found at The Children’s Place Pink shoes: Already owned for our summer family photo shoot! SCORE Cotton Quilt Batting: Can be bought at any craft store, however, I completely bought way too much!!! So what I’m saying is hit me up if you’re making this costume, just kidding. Keep in mind that a little bit of this goes a long way, maybe buy twin size.

A pink T-shirt: Found at hobby lobby!

Pink paint: We’ll come back to the pink paint… *insert eye roll here* Glue gun and glue sticks 1 sheet of scrapbooking paper: also can be found at any craft store.

Do any of you have major crazy mama paranoia? Come on, you know what I mean.

When you bring this teeny tiny human home with you and you’re finally alone with them for the first time, and the world suddenly appears in a new light, a dangerous light. Those corners look so much sharper than they did a few days ago; the ground looks like it’s covered in contaminants.

Blankets suddenly look like a death trap.

The list could go on and on! For me, I had a crazy fear of fumes. Cleaning supplies? Dish soup? Laundry detergent? NOPE, NOPE, and more NOPE. My pure precious angel could not be near any of that! This brings me back to the pink pant. First thought, I’d buy some pink spray paint, easy and done.

Till the panic began and abnormal fear filled my body, I mean what if the fumes didn’t

A few hours of spraying, drying, pulling into pieces and gluing later, my masterpiece was done. And I felt really great about it. In fact, while trick or treating a mom even told me I put the rest of them to shame!

So what did I learn?

1.

Homemade Halloween costumes end up costing more than store bought ones.

2. Never attempt craft projects alone, I am so thankful for my family who jumped in to assist me and make this mama’s Pinterest dreams come true.

3. Keep the bar low so there’s not as much pressure next time!!!

4. Overachieving is hereditary (sorry A!)

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[Vulnerable]

M y Pat h T o Recovery 16 13

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By: Anonymous I have been asked several times over my years of sobriety to tell my story in a public forum. I never have. Perhaps there’s still some shame or perhaps the insecurities that still invade my inner being has kept this from happening. Well, having been presented with the opportunity yet again, this time I said yes, so here goes. I am 51 years old. I am a mother, a nurse, a court reporter, a student and, most importantly, a child of God. Writing a letter to my younger self is difficult, as, truth be told, I would not change any one thing I have gone through in my life if it would mean changing the life I have now. If I had not had the experiences that I have had, be they what others would see as negative or even, in some cases, tragic, I would not be where I am today, at this moment, filled, for the most part, with a peace that I never could have imagined.

I grew up in a family of alcoholism. This is integral to my story. Though I was provided the necessities of clothing and food and housing, I did not have what I now recognize as the things children need to allow them to flourish: Proper support and emotional stability from both parents who are optimally, themselves, “healthy.” I was the youngest of five and my mother did not know she could get pregnant when she had me. By the time I came along, my father was in the throes of his addiction and its effects on our family were evident.

By the time I was nine, I was smoking cigarettes and marijuana. This was just what the kids and family I hung around did at that time. This drug use would later turn to alcohol, which was my best friend, my lover. In my younger years I did not drink because I didn’t want to become like my father, who I hated, so I smoked pot and cigarettes instead.

There are typically significant events that lead an addict to increase their use. For myself the increases in use that led to a physical addiction were a sexual assault in seventh grade, a pregnancy at 15 where my mother was so angry at me she didn’t speak to me for I don’t even remember how long, then another assault when I was seventeen, then a broken marriage.

After my marriage failed, the respite from

drinking that endured, save and except the occasional episode, during my marriage caused by taking care of children ceased.

I had shared custody now and newfound time on my hands to party. Within one year after I was divorced, I was a fullblown alcoholic. It happens quicker for women, what I would term the “crossing over.” I could depend on alcohol unlike anything in my life. Pull the cold bottle of Southern Comfort from the freezer, take a few swings and there it was, that feeling of numbness to all of life’s concerns. It seems obvious that I would tell my younger self to make better choices, don’t do drugs, date the bad boys, drive drunk in blackouts, but, truth be told, I may not have the life I now have had I done so.

ing that I would succumb to. I quit doing drugs shortly after that traffic stop, when my dealer, who had open sores on both hands that I can still visualize, was put in jail. This only increased the drinking and the blackouts, of course.

I won’t bore you with the gory details that surmounted in my realization that I was an alcoholic that needed help, but a few things do come to mind that precipitated my sobriety at that time that I think are relevant. The culmination of the broken/abusive relationships, the financial struggles and the incessant and pervasive feelings of loneliness, unworthiness and thoughts of suicide come to mind. There was the time when I was pulled over by the cops with drugs in my car. You can never have enough on hand was my motto, whether that be shoes or drugs or men.

The officer stated it was a known drug area, as if I didn’t know that, and said to get the taillight fixed. I shook and cried the whole way home, knowing I dodged a bullet. Of course, I wasn’t thinking I could have just lost my kids, been incarcerated – Oh, wait, that comes later - or that I hadn’t seen my mother or sister in weeks due to my self-imposed isolation from the world.

It was all about me, as it had always been, since I was a teenager. The world had done me wrong by giving me a neglectful family and I just wanted to feel better and not so different from everyone else.

Alcohol did that for me. When I was drunk I was pretty and smart and funny and loveable. Anyone who sees a drunk knows they are ugly and dumb and not funny. Imagine living every day feeling ugly and dumb and completely terrified. This is how addiction feels, whether it’s alcohol, drugs or shopping, whether you’re male or female.

In my opinion, it matters not. In my case I did drugs in order to not have the common occurrences of blackouts from drink-

This is what I would now say to my younger self: People all around you are doing the very best with the tools they have, so remember that. Let’s face it, for people with addiction, the toolbox is empty. There is mental, spiritual and physical bankruptcy that only alcohol or drugs or buying a pair of shoes can distract them from. Your father struggled with addiction and your mother struggled in reaction to that, as did the whole family. They did not have the tools in their toolbox and neither did you.

Every single member of the family reacts differently to the addict. One member may gossip about the addict while the other gives the addict money or a place to live.

Neither one is truly helping to solve the addiction, yet each looks at the other with disgraceful eyes. The problem is one of perspective, wherein all that are snared in its trap are blinded to appropriate solutions. That’s why it’s a family disease.

My “moment of clarity,” when I knew alcohol was going to win by killing me, was when I awoke yet again with the shaking hands and had a thought, My father died at 50 from this disease so I only had limited years left. Then the next thought came, a thought that was, in my belief, from God: It doesn’t have to be this way and you deserve a good life. That was a Thursday. I went to AA that night and have been sober since September 19, 2001.

I would tell myself that you will understand what denial means after you get sober and live a life that is focused on enhancing the lives of others. Denial means that the person who has the addiction does not have the ability to think and act clearly so they do what they do. When you have hate in our heart for people with addiction, it is because you are being selfish and, yourself, in denial. You think they should just not drink or do drugs or do this or that. It’s not about you! Addicts don’t want to be hurtful, but they know no other way. As bad as they “make” you feel, what they feel inside daily is tenfold. To my younger self I would say, you will not understand until

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you become an addict and then beat the addiction. I would tell my younger self to try to view and treat a person with addiction like they have cancer.

Having that perspective will help you to find peace in your heart and have compassion for others, which is God’s will.

I would tell myself to learn the art of living one day at a time, an important motto in Alcoholics Anonymous that everyone in the world could benefit from. My younger self was always regretting the past and fearing the future instead of living in the present. When I got sober, I learned a great deal about problem solving by learning to live in the present.

I would tell my younger self that the only way to find true peace is to find God and, through Him, you can have true peace. Sure, my younger self had heard God is the answer, but I did not feel worthy due to my history of behaviors and my anger at God, whether that be for the family I was dealt, the bullying I experienced in school and on and on ad nauseam. I would tell myself I am not the richest girl, nor prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the funniest and God has a plan designed specifically for me that in no way would be carried out if I was the richest and smartest and prettiest and funniest! I would tell myself to recognize that humility is the key to helping others and building and maintaining self-esteem.

I would tell my younger self that in order to have peace, I need to focus on my own behaviors before others. I was incessantly focused on what others were doing wrong or incorrectly.

Whether the husband didn’t mop the floor the way he should, if he did at all, or whether my mother-in-law was yet again saying what she shouldn’t, I never

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once stopped to look at things from a lens other than my own. It really was all about me and I was completely selfish in my thinking. Honestly, I was a complete bitch often and often difficult to be around. Everyone had to walk on eggshells. They never knew which Julie they were going to get that day because I was so easily agitated because of my denial. I would tell myself that is no way to live. As Dr. Phil says often, You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. I was scared to acknowledge my problem because, in my heart of hearts, I knew that meant I had to change if I acknowledged I had a problem and that was really scary to me and, let’s be real, I knew it would mean a great deal of effort on my part.

I regret none of my past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it. I currently work two full-time jobs and am in school and experience very low stress on a daily basis. God has got my back and has given me a life so full and joyful. I have a relationship with my adult children whose foundation is solid. I am there for them and they know it. This would not be the case had I not been able to get sober. I have a relationship with my immediate family that is satisfying. I don’t sweat the small stuff, for the most part, which is really everything.

If I could speak to someone dealing with a loved one with addiction or with addiction themselves, I would implore you to commit to Al-Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous for six months regularly. If you spend as much time going to one of these as you spend drinking, drugging or gripping about the addict in your life, you have a great chance of feeling better than you do now. It will totally change your perspective if you are willing for it to.

I see so many people whose family members want to complain about the addict and want things to change, but the buck stops with each of us individually. You can’t control another’s addiction, but you can control your own behaviors and Al-Anon can help change one’s perspective and turn one’s emotional pain, resentment and fear into a life of peace, just like Alcoholics Anonymous did for me, the addict. If you aren’t willing to commit your time to helping the addict in the family, what does that really say about you and your “love” for them? It seems a harsh thing to say, I know. Perhaps I’ve struck a chord with some. I see it all the time, the family member who just wants the addict to change, but the family members don’t want to change themselves or even to understand the addict’s perspective. For every good addict there are often enablers who perpetuate the addiction, be it through financial support that shouldn’t be given, shaming that occurs behind the addict’s back or a blatant ignoring of the problem, the proverbial pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone walks around pretending it does not exist.

Remember, it is the fear of change, not the change itself, that binds us to our current behavioral patterns.

I want to say thank you for the opportunity to share some of my story and perspective. I still am learning every day through others what it means to live in peace and how to do it. I am not perfect. I am not meant to be. I feel blessed to have made it alive past the age of 50, my dad’s last year of life before he died from alcoholism, and I know my dad and I would be so close if he were alive because of my understanding of the disease we both share.

W

C

All I Wa n t [Love] A story of being single during the holidays.

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By: Hannah Pickering

For Christmas 20

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m all about self-love. Not to the extent of narcissism by any means, but a healthy awareness of your own worth.

You are enough. You are amazing.

Maybe it’s the Generation Z coming out in me, since what I’ve heard from my seniors is that “people my age” are entitled and too self-absorbed. Or maybe the concept of self-love has just shifted more recently, propelled by the rise of social media and the promotion of selfcare.

So, I see the word “self” a lot here.

Where does the “you” in that line from the classic holiday song “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey fit in here?

Where does a guy fit into my holiday picture?

Um, right in that prepackaged and glossy narrative that associates a holiday season without a significant other in it as a blue Christmas. (Allegory aside, I love that song.)

There doesn’t need to be a “you” in my holiday because, frankly, there is an “us”.

I have the privilege of having family and friends in my life who enrich every holiday season with their wonderful selves.

The last thing I want to do is pine for a scenario when I have an amazing reality right in front of my damn face.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against

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dating or having a significant other during the holidays. Relationships definitely have the potential to enrich your life in so many ways, and all the people who write romantic holiday songs have got to agree with me.

But what gets me is this: what’s your reason? Are you afraid to “celebrate” the holidays without a significant other in the sleigh with you? Are you freaked out that there will be no one to kiss as you ring in the new year?

What happens to you in the process?

You become a little bit smaller, a little less important, a little less you and more who-I-could-be-in-this-scenario.

When I was in my early teens, I reached a stage where I started noticing this concept more and more. It’s all over holiday commercials and movies, in idealized experiences that we’re told are amazing and that any sane young adult should want.

Yes, they can be. But don’t sell yourself short to have an experience that is not guaranteed to be what you think it is. And don’t sell your friends or family short either.

So in the spirit of self-love, pour yourself a glass of bubbly. Crank up the holiday music. Walk the streets, window shop, and treat yourself to some hot chocolate. Yes, it sounds cheesy, maybe just a teeny bit too cliché, but the reality is…all you need for Christmas is you.

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“The last thing I want to do is pine for a scenario when I have an amazing reality right in front of my damn face.�

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[Failure] F@#k Grad School.

By: Sarah Boyd

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to go through life knowing that everything you did would result in success? Every risk you took, no matter how big or small, would be a huge hit and everyone all around would worship the ground you walked on? Your answer should be yes. Yes, I have.

But, in reality a majority of us fail. At everything. All the time. We, as women, all have our failure stories. We all think we are the only person in the world to fail.

And this is because for some unknown reason, some dumb fuck came along and said “You’re sad? Man up.” And sadly, that’s what we did. We “manned” up. Whatever the fuck that means. But, naturally as women, we do it so well. So, people don’t hear of our failures. Just our success... if there are any. Here is my failure story that results in being so far deep in darkness, I didn’t know how the fuck to get back out. (And yes, this is all a true story.)

My life hasn’t been a fairytale nor has it been the nightmare many other children experience. I grew up with two parents, who divorced when I was 9 and both remarried by the time I was 14, who loved me and provided whatever they could to make sure we were offered more than they ever had. Ever since puberty, I had this independent mindset that screamed “I will do it myself and my way!” Sadly for my mom, this mindset never went away. I am stubborn and very determined when I set my mind on any goal. Honestly, it’s borderline obsessive. I graduated high school in 2008 and started college immediately after with no real goal in mind except to party. So, that is what I did and I did it so damn well. (Side note: Anyone starting college, I don’t recommend this lifestyle.) I partied and accomplished the bare minimum from the time I was 18 till I was 25. Yes, it took me 7 years to get a 2-year degree.

Don’t party like I did in college. Just ask my mom.

Life took over and I was just existing.

When I was 24, I had a miscarriage. Real adult failure moment #1. It was devastating. Knowing that my body couldn’t sustain the life of two babies (yes, dear Jesus, there were two) was so depressing. The one thing I was supposed to be able to do better than the male species, I couldn’t. Or, just didn’t. Without going into the gory details, by the end of it, I wished that more women talked about their experiences and expressed how normal it was. Six months later, I was

homeless and had to move back home.

Real adult failure #2. My boyfriend at the time left me and I had nowhere to go. So, there I am. Tail between my legs, back at home. Anyone who has had to move back to their parent’s house knows the feeling. Take that feeling and times it by three because that’s how many times I had to face it.

Finally, I decided to start my bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and Dietetics. It was fantastic. I had a “fantastic” boyfriend (more on the quotations later). Was the Vice President of a student ran club and the public relations chair for another. I was the editor-in-chief to the department’s newsletter, working three jobs, and taking full time classes. Plus dealing with life, I was doing fantastic. I juggled everything and FINALLY succeeded in graduating with a bachelor’s degree (IN TWO FUCKING YEARS!) with a 3.4 GPA. From a 2.2 GPA from my 7 year degree, this was a HUGE accomplishment.

Along with being the first person in my entire family to get a bachelor’s degree.

FUCK. YES. Setting a good example for my younger brother and sisters. I made it. But, now what?

I applied for the Master’s program in Nutrition and Dietetics with the thesis research option. I gained a research project that studied the correlation of dietary supplementation and exercise.

Such a FANTASTIC opportunity. I got accepted. I was ready. But, what I wasn’t ready for was what happened next. August 1st, 2017 my dad lost to his 8-year battle to prostate cancer. On August 12th, I found out my boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on me (insert “fantastic” explanation here) and August 23rd, graduate school started. I was so lost.

Devastated. Hurt. Sad. SO. FUCKING. DEPRESSED. But, I kept going because it was what everyone kept telling me to do. So, I did. I started first semester of grad school going full time. Dropped two classes because GRAD SCHOOL IS FUCKING HARD. Made 2 C’s. Got on academic probation. Lost all my jobs in February of 2018. Lost financial aid.

Was told by an academic professor that I am not graduate school material and a disappointment. And here comes the real adult failure #3. I quit. Everything.

I was the first person in my ENTIRE family to get a graduate level education with ONE YEAR LEFT. And I quit. With no remorse.

Yes, what I went through is a lot. That is really only the half of it to keep this article less than 50 pages. What I went

through is more than what a lot of people experience in a life time. “Sara, that’s not a failure. You did what you needed to do.” Yes. I agree. But, let’s go back to the statement that I get obsessive with goals that I set my mind to. To me, it was a failure. I let my mom down.

I let my grandparents, who helped me buy books when I was more than broke, down. I was letting everyone down that had told me that I only have ONE year left. One year. But, more importantly, I let myself down. What the fuck was I going to do now? I had no job, almost a hundred grand in school debt, and I live at home. I was the epitomy of a dead beat child. But, I picked myself up, let people say what they wanted to say, set new goals, and life is slowly getting better. Thank Christ.

Here is what I learned: 1. Mental health is more important than what anyone around you says or thinks.

I cried every night for 2 months because of how I felt being in grad school. Failing everything. Not being good enough. Not being able to get an internship because of my GPA. Failing my assistants in research. Slowly losing my mind because of how everyone told me I should live my life. “What will you do if you quit?”

I don’t even fucking know what I am going to eat tomorrow. How am I supposed to know what I am going to do?

2. You’re the one who has to live your life. No one else. Make yourself happy and the rest will fall into place. How cliché, right? I thought so too until I experienced what I experienced.

3. Everyone’s experiences are different. Yes, your failure is different than mine. Yes, your failure might be worse than mine. But, failure is still a failure.

We should never compare one situation to the next. Every person handles things differently. Every person reacts to things differently. It’s what makes us who we are. As you experience these things, you have to learn to just say FUCK THIS. And deal with it how you WANT to deal with it. Not how people around you think you should deal with it. Want to be dramatic? Be fucking dramatic. Want to cry and then deal with it? Do it. Don’t let people tell you what to do because it is what they want you to do. Happiness is hard to find these days. You’re in charge of finding happiness within yourself. And that is what you need to live a successful life. So, go out and find it. Your mental health will thank you later.

[Opinionated]

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Why You Shouldn’t Spend The H o l i d ay s W i t h Y o u r B o y f r i e n d By: Carla Marie

I know so many of you read the title and said “Oh, hell no!” I get it, I’ve been there and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, but hear me out. How many times have you argued with a significant other over holidays about splitting time with families? It happens in every relationship. I’m not writing this expecting you to never spend time with your significant or their family on a holiday, I’m writing this because I want you to know you don’t have to give up family time and neither do they.

Think about how much family-time you’ve sacrificed on a holiday to spend time with the family of a significant other you are no longer with. It’s probably a lot more than you think.

For me, that’s time I could have spent with my grandmas who are no longer alive rather than with my ex-boyfriend’s overbearing family. I know we have to live in the moment, and at the time, I thought it was where I should be. I don’t regret it, but I won’t repeat it.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to guilt you this entire article. I didn’t really see things differently until I was in a long-distance relationship and seeing my boyfriend on a holiday meant not seeing my own family at all so we made other plans. It was so freeing not worrying about which one of us was going to sacrifice family time to spend time with the other person and their family. We spent time with each other’s family around holidays, maybe the day after or the next weekend, but not on the holiday. It made my time with my family way more enjoyable and not rushed.

If all goes as planned with your significant other you’ll be spending the rest of your life with them, creating your own holiday traditions so why skip out on your family’s current traditions? When my ex-boyfriend and I went from long-distance to living together we still went our separate ways for the holidays. My younger sister and her boyfriend moved into together a year ago and they did this last Christmas. My sister and I both woke up at our parents’ on Christmas morning like we’ve done every year, ever. Her boyfriend hates the idea. He thinks they should wake up together on Christmas morning. I definitely see that side of wanting to be with your significant other on Christmas morning but they aren’t married and they don’t have kids. I, on the other hand, LOVE waking up at home on Christmas morning, maybe it’s because I normally live on the opposite side of the country, but it’s tradition and until I have my own family that’s where I want to be on Christmas morning. This is no secret, I’ve told my sister, you’ll have so many more Christmas’ to wake up next to your significant other but you have way less waking up in your childhood home.

Maybe this makes me sound like a big baby but I think we get so wrapped up in making our boyfriends spend time with our families because it’s “the right thing to do” and you want to post a picture on Instagram showing everyone you spent the holiday together. Until you’re married or decide this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, I don’t believe in sacrificing your own family time.

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[Adulting]

Christmas with Divorced Parents to Christmas as Parents By: Crystal Rausch

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y parents divorced when I was four years old, so it was always normal to me to have two of everything – two houses, two rooms, two Christmases. For having divorced parents, I feel like I grew up as one of those lucky kids with parents that still got along. The only time I remember things getting tough between the two “sides” was when both my parents remarried, but eventually things got back to our normal.

The best thing going for us was geography. My mom and dad lived less than 3 miles apart. Both parents had family that lived relatively close as well. We didn’t need to travel for the holidays to see everyone. The best part was that both sides of our family had strong traditions, but those traditions never overlapped so we didn’t have to choose between mom’s or dad’s side. We could do it all with no conflict.

When my parents both remarried, it was like Christmas on steroids. Christmas Eve with mom’s family, Christmas Day with dad’s family, the day after with the step mom’s family. Then we would do our personal Christmas with mom and dad in between the big family Christmas celebrations. Still, it never seemed to overlap, and everyone was happy-ish.

Since Christmas on steroids wasn’t enough for me to juggle, my own marriage brought in an enormous challenge to finding true balance during the holidays. All my own family traditions were scheduled at the same time as my husband’s family’s traditions. Thankfully, we are both from the same hometown, so geography still wasn’t too much of an issue. It was just the timing. The good thing with my own family is that we are flexible. Christmas Eve didn’t have to mean 6pm, it could mean 10am, but we still wanted it to be on Christmas Eve. This flexibility helped me appease both my family and my husband’s family - who are a lot more rigid on time and tradition.

Christmas lost its relaxing vibe when my husband and I moved away from home. We live out of state and the rest of our family is still in, or near, our hometown. To add even more struggle, I worked retail which meant no time off during the holidays. I remember having to miss Christmas in our hometown with family due to work. We had less than 48 hours off at our jobs between 12/24 and 12/26 so we made the choice not to fly home since it’s already hard enough to fit Christmas into those three, full days. It was miserable being away. Never again. I would rather skip half my family Christmases to spend time with at least a few of them, even if it’s less than 48 hours.

Holidays are important to my family and me. We realized after the year we didn’t go home that no matter how stressful it is to juggle a timeline and make it from one family celebration to the next, we will always be there. We will book the over-priced flights, forget about sleep for those few days, and see as many people as humanly possible. We may never have a “relaxing” holiday, but it will be full of fun, laughter and a lot of love. I’m grateful that despite divorce, holidays were still important and my parents (and step parents) never made it a decision my siblings and I had to make to choose a “side” and I’m even more grateful that my husband’s family is the same way. We never feel like we are letting people down at the expense of making someone else happy and I’m so grateful for that.

This Is...

This Is...

[How To]

Teaching From the (Anxious) Heart 28

This Is...

By: Sam

I

worried a lot as a kid. My mom would drop me off at the babysitters and I would automatically assume she was leaving me forever. What makes this worse is that my babysitter was my older cousin- someone that I knew and trusted. But I still cried, sometimes until I threw up, and thought “What if mommy never comes back?” What if, what if, what if…

In elementary school my best friend told me that she no longer wanted to be friends and I instantly thought, “What if she tells everyone and no one wants to be my friend.” What if, what if, what if…

I don’t remember worrying as much in middle or high school, outside of the usual teen angst. My parents might have a different story for you. I worried that my pants would split and that my hair was out of place. In marching band, I worried that I wouldn’t do my part to bring home the championship or that my flag work was out of time. I worried that my relationships were one sided. I worried about the future. What if I didn’t get good enough grades to get into a good college? What if, what if, what if…

Come to think about it, I guess I did a good deal of worrying.

The question of “What if?” followed me into college. I remember a very intense phone call with my mother who, despite her saint-like patience, started sobbing and had to hand my dad the phone because I could not, for the life of me, get out of this spiral of “what if” I was quickly falling into. Don’t get me wrong, my parents are the most incredible people on the face of this planet but they no longer knew what to say or do to bring me out of this spinning vortex of worry. Neither did I. Nor did I know why I felt like this. I used to think that when I worried, it was justified and based in fact. I thought I had every reason to worry as much as I did. It felt normal to me. That is, until one time at

my first post-college job where I worried A LOT. No need to get into what caused it but I remember my heart rate starting to rise, my stomach turning and profuse sweating. I suddenly felt trapped, like I was never going to get out of this situation. Eventually, I came back to reality and went about my day, but I felt totally exhausted and embarrassed. What if everyone I worked with could see how much I was worrying? Would they judge me? After days of dwelling on this one event and getting into more spirals of “what ifs”, I realized that something was not right and it needed to change.

I went to my family doctor and was diagnosed as having generalized anxiety disorder. He prescribed me some medicine and sent me on my way.

On the way home I thought about all those times in my childhood and teen years that I worried until I threw up or cried. It started to make sense now. In a way, I felt relieved because I felt like I definitely had a diagnosable reason why I worried the way that I did. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I thought, frustrated, “Why can’t I just react normally to things like everyone else?”. Now I had an answer to that question.

Fast forward two years to when I first started at my current teaching position. In those two years I had started exploring what having anxiety means and how I could start to incorporate coping mechanisms into my daily life. I THOUGHT I had a pretty good handle on my disorder. I even stopped taking my maintenance medication (ugh…I know. Bad idea). Then, suddenly, in one week, I applied for, interviewed for and accepted my current job. This all happened the few days before I was to leave the country on vacation and only two weeks before the first day of school. I was a mixed bag of emotions: I felt sad to leave the familiarity of my old job, totally stoked to be working closer to my hometown, and 100% anxious about meeting a new group of students, colleagues, and curriculum.

School started without any major issues but I worked myself into the ground.

Early mornings and late nights were

the norm and the majority of my brain power was spent thinking about school.

I thought, “If I could just keep going until Christmas, then I get a break”.

Then, mid-October, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was Columbus Day. I can only describe it like running down a city block and someone steps out from an alley and BAM! smacks you in the face with a baseball bat and knocks you directly on your back. The anxiety I felt was debilitating. My stomach was in knots all day. I felt lightheaded and my hands were tingling. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt trapped in my own home. I contemplated quitting my job and even started dialing the number to the school as if I was going to quit on the spot. I sat on my couch and sobbed on the phone to my mom that I couldn’t do it anymore. What it was that I couldn’t do, I’m not quite sure. My brain had devised this alternate state of reality in which I felt trapped and claustrophobic. Something had to change and it had to change ASAP. I’d like to say there was an “A-HA” moment with my anxiety. A moment like in the movies where the actor realizes he or she is bigger than the obstacle in his or her life and immediately starts making massive changes (a la Elle Woods in Legally Blonde). Anxiety gone. Roll credits. Unfortunately, mine wasn’t as inspirational or as instant as that. After much persuading from my mother, I went back to my doctor and back on my medicine. It was in the car on the way home from my appointment when I took the first deep breath I had taken all day. The next day I went to school feeling totally exhausted and fragile but I still felt like God was telling me to talk to my principal. I walked into her office first thing in the morning and immediately burst into tears. “Great,” I thought, “now I look like a lunatic to my new boss”. Well, thank all that is holy that my principal is the most understanding human being. She listened to me explain my anxiety, how I’ve been feeling and still gave me a big hug afterward.

Then she dropped the most important piece of advice on me that I still remind myself of on the daily:

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This Is...

“The way you take care of yourself directly affects the way you take care of your students. If you can’t be strong for yourself, you can’t be strong for them.”

Boom. Aaaaand one more time for the people in the back...

She suggested that I take the rest of the week off (it was a Wednesday morning at the time of our conversation) so that I could come back refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the year. I originally thought, “No way am I taking that much time off. If I can’t handle the job, I shouldn’t be in the job” but she convinced me that it would be for the best and away I went - still sobbing, I might add. Over the next few days, I cried a lot and worried about what my students were thinking about their new choir director being gone for so long. But it turns out my principal was right. I cautiously came back the next week and eventually, over a few weeks, the pit in my stomach disappeared and the knot in my chest loosened. Fast forward five years to today and I am happy to say that I (mostly) love my job.

So what changed? It certainly wasn’t the job. It was, is, and will always be the same job with the same type of students and same responsibilities.

What changed was my approach to my anxiety and the decision that I was going to run toward the issue and tackle it head on rather than avoiding it and running from it. I spent the next couple years exploring my anxiety. What were triggers for me? What could I do to calm myself down if I felt an anxiety attack coming on? Having this knowledge made me feel strong and not afraid of my anxiety like it was this shadowed monster that reared its ugly head without warning. I could predict when I might feel stressed or anxious and prepare. Healthy coping mechanisms became habit and I felt

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s y a d i l o H broa A lida o H bro A li o H b A o H A

strong enough to take on more responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong- I still stumble and allow my anxiety to take over and it would be naive of me to think that I won’t stumble in the future. But now I know how to take back control over my own brain and emotions. What an empowering feeling.

It’s been a really long and tumultuous road figuring out how to pair teaching and anxiety but here are a few things I’ve learned along the way: Talk to Someone...Anyone

Feeling alone in your anxiety is possibly the worst feeling in the world.

Talk to someone. It doesn’t even have to be a licensed professional. Talking to someone will help you organize your thoughts and you may even find that that person is dealing with something similar.

Mental Health Days

These are a thing. Utilize them. Take care of yourself. Your brain may just need a break.

Customize Your Coping Mechanisms

You may find that what works for someone else may not work for you.

For me, praying really helps center my thoughts on something bigger than myself. That may not be useful or helpful to someone else. Running and exercise is a good way to get rid of nervous energy. Whatever it is, find some way of switching your brain away from the anxiety, even if it seems silly or ineffective. Some of my favorites include: • Sock drawer rearranging • Meditating • Cleaning (Clean house. Clean Mind.)

• Petting your dog/cat • Singing a song (I wrote a stupid song about kids pooping when I worked at daycare and it was a

• • •

particularly stressful day) Coloring Laying on your back with your butt against the wall and legs straight up the wall.

Breathing in through your nose for 4 seconds. Holding for 2. Exhaling on a “hiss” for 4 seconds.

Know Your Own Symptoms and Triggers

Everyone responds to panic attacks differently and everyone has different triggers. Get to know yourself. Journal.

Find patterns. Symptoms of panic attacks include: • Tight chest • Fast breathing • Heart palpitations/fast heartbeat (like you’ve just run 1,000 miles) • Crying • Nausea • Inability to sleep or too much sleep • Tingling hands or feet • Dizzy feeling Common triggers for panic attacks include: • Life changes • Social situations • Trauma • Financial stress • Relationship stress • Side effect of medication

My panic attacks are triggered by feeling trapped in a situation - I cried when I bought my first house, knowing I couldn’t just leave in a year like I could when I rented - and some social situations - I replay conversations with students in my head. A lot.

You Are Stronger than Anxiety Anxiety can fill your head with lies and insecurities. It tells you that you aren’t worthy, good enough, or valued. The truth is that you are strong, empowered, and bigger than any lie anxiety could ever conjure up. YOU are in control of you. Remember that.

o A r a b s d y A i s olida d Hol o r H a b o d a s Abr ays A lid d o y i a Hol oad H br d A r a o ys Ab idays o H a l id ad Ho road A b o s A r b days liday a i o o l o oad H A b r H s r d y b A da o a This Is...

[The World]

Holidays Abroad By: Krista Bridges

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any of my fondest holiday memories are from a time when I was outside my comfort zone. For me, the holidays means familytime. Family. Food.

Conversation. Laughter. And all the feel good moments that make this time of year magical. Sometimes I’ve been lucky enough to have my family visit me overseas when I’ve been traveling the world. Sometimes I’ve been lucky enough to be traveling with my family to a new city. Other times this means spending time with my significant other’s family & his friends. And then there are some holidays that have been spent on my own, with friends who once were complete strangers, but become my international family. To be honest, these memories are the most cherished. When you’re outside your traditional norms, you have the opportunity to create new unique experiences; memories that will stand out in your particular story, with the common thread of love, laughter and gratitude binding them.

These are a few of my personal travels, traditions and a few lessons I’ve learned along the way.

All of the Friendsgivings The First Friendsgiving (WhoFeast) started in London back in 2007. Fourteen study-abroads, away from home for the All-American Thanksgiving, a bit down about it, so what did we do?

We created our own Friendsgiving, of course! The event planner inside me worked with our internship supervisors to acquire a free space (with a mini kitchen) and a large enough table for 20. We all agreed to make (or buy) a favorite side dish or dessert and chipped in to buy the biggest turkey I could carry from Tesco. I bartered with the school canteen staff to store it in the fridge and then cook our 15kg turkey in their ovens since the fridge & oven in our event space was far too small.

We had wine, cheese, family favorites cooked on a budget and with love - and most importantly we were surrounded by our international family. Creating memories that would last a lifetime and filling our hearts with the small com-

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forts of home.

This past year, 2017, I was living in Ireland with my boyfriend. He’s Scottish, so Thanksgiving has been a new exciting event added to his holiday calendar the past few years. We didn’t have family in Ireland and our finances wouldn’t allow us to go back to the USA for Thanksgiving, which at first was a bit heartbreaking but I made a decision to bring a Friendsgiving to our Galway family. I live-streamed the Macy’s Day Parade (my personal favorite), we decorated with a mini 12” fake tree, stockings and had the table set buffet style.

We invited our closest friends over for a family dinner, coloring ornaments, charade games and a bit too much whiskey. Again, the holidays for me are about the memories and feelings of acceptance, gratitude, and love. Another perfect night, surrounded by your second family.

The Not-So-New England Christmas(es) My first Christmas overseas was spent in Edinburgh with my mom, sister and aunt following a trip to London and a week in Ireland. We rented an aparthotel which afforded us the luxury of self-catering, a washer/dryer and our own living spaces. Bargain! This was before AirBnB was a thing. We could have our own mini-Christmas celebration with all the trimmings. I won’t pretend it wasn’t stressful trying to fit two sets of sisters (my mom & aunt plus my sister and me) in a small apartment style hotel room with conflicting personalities. But I specifically carved out “quiet time” - took walks on my own to recharge my social battery and be present with my family when I needed to be, creating mini-memories in a foreign city. We found a church (Greyfriars) for our traditional Christmas Eve service, explored Christmas markets and we even took a family photo with the Christmas tree in the reception of our accommodation.

Christmas Day the city shuts down*, except for the Edinburgh Zoo! What better way than to spend the holiday than with the pandas and penguins??

*Note: If you do decide to travel on Christmas Day, double check all transportation routes and have clear directions. We waited and wandered looking for a bus for 2 hours!

Christmas was spent in the USA for many years to follow, many of which my boyfriend traveled from Scotland to celebrate with my family. Until last year, 2017, when we lived in Ireland and my family, my mom, her boyfriend and my sister, flew in to spend Christmas in Galway. What a treat to take them on a road trip from Dublin through Northern Ireland, and back to our west coast Irish city. We rented a car from the airport for the week which gave us the liberty to go where and when we wanted. The roads were quieter, the tourist attractions less busy and we decorated our journey with a holiday road trip playlist. My mom brought many comforts from home - Grandpa’s Snax and a few tree decorations - and we spent Christmas playing silly games, going for a festive walk, finishing the night grabbing a drink in one of Galway's oldest and most iconic pubs, and making other cultural traditions part of our own. Boxing Day was spent visiting the Cliffs of Moher and preparing for our next holiday adventure, New Year in Scotland.

Hogmanay When I was 13, I dreamed of one day spending New Year’s eve in Times Square, surrounded by the festive buzz, waiting for the stroke of midnight. The older I got, the less I cared about NYE and just liked being with close friends, bubbles in hand and potentially in bed by 12:30am. I never had a massive inclination to go out and spend a small fortune on a pre-fix dinner, “complimentary” glass of bubbles and a party hat, listening to a mediocre DJ trying to keep the party going until 4am. I didn’t appreciate New Years… until I spent my first NYE abroad in Scotland.

In Scotland, Hogmanay, or the time period leading up to New Year’s Day and a few days after, is a celebration rooted in the 8th and 9th centuries when the Vikings would have massive street parties, open doors, and welcomed greet-

ings to strangers far and wide.

In 2014 I celebrated with a torchlight procession on the 30th, and “the bells” on the 31st amongst hundreds of strangers while we danced (ceilidh’ed) across the main city streets of Edinburgh, while gazing up at the fireworks being launched from the castle overhead. Immediately after midnight everyone breaks out in the famous Robert Burns‘ song “Auld Lang Syne” which, if you didn’t know - because I sure didn’t - is a treasured Scottish poet. And there is definitely more than one verse… there is also a secret handshake. The party continues, popping in and out of friends’ homes across the city (or village).

Friends and family host open doors, the first guest bringing a gift (usually of food) as “the first footing” to walk over the host’s doorstep. The country is filled with an unmatchable warm hospitality. On New Year’s Day it is customary to join in on a Loony Dook.

Perhaps you’ve had a long lie-in, or if it was an exceptional night you might not have even gone to bed yet - but what better way to cure a hangover than a dip in the freezing waters of the Firth of Forth along the shores of Portobello? Similar to a Polar Bear/ Penguin Plunge, locals and visitors join together and dive into the chilly waters perhaps to cleanse themselves of the year past, and start fresh - both literally and figuratively. It’s great fun, but be sure to bring your warmest change of clothes and a hot water bottle to cuddle into with your hot toddy in the pub afterward!

I’ve spent 3 Hogmanays in Edinburgh - each one as special as the next for various reasons. It’s a gift to be able to share this holiday with my traveling friends and family. One that I intend

to hold onto as a former-NYE cynist converted to a Hogmanay enthusiast.

P.S. Things to note: If you plan to come for a Hogmanay visit - it’s worth remembering that January 2nd is also a national holiday in Scotland. An extra day to recover from a week long of merry-making!

Winter Wanderlust: Do’s & Don’ts Do: Be prepared. Research your flights early. Skyscanner and Hopper are two great apps to find the best deals. If you’re on a laptop, go “incognito” to avoid browser cookies increasing the prices shown.

Don’t: Wait until the last minute.

Do: Enjoy & Embrace the holiday hustle and bustle. The holidays are magical.

Don’t: Let crowds, cranky people, traffic, zero parking, airport security lines ruin your trip.

Do: Pack smart snacks for travel days.

Don’t: Forget to hydrate.

Do: Try new foods. One of the best holiday meals might be that 12am German sausage & kraut from a street cart vendor after you spent an entire day and evening exploring the new location/city.

Don’t: Rely on shops always being open like they might be at home. Otherwise you might end up with 2 cans of gross condensed tomato and red pepper soup from the mini-mart off license. (Oh hey there New Year’s Day Edinburgh, 2016.)

Do: Pick up greeting cards or postcards from your travel destination.

Write yourself or your family a note with one of your favorite traditions in

your holiday home that you want to remember.

Don’t: Forget to save space in your luggage for any unexpected “extras” that might be given to you or picked up along the journey.

Do: Skype. Whether it’s just Mom or Dad, a sibling or the entire clan. It’s always hilarious being passed around the dinner table by the not-so-tech savvy family members.

Don’t: Spend all day on your phone having FOMO. YOU are the one living this grand adventure. Capture it, embrace it, live it.

Do: Keep it simple. No matter the occasion, a holiday abroad will not be exactly as it is back home. To my fellow “planners” - try to be okay with that. Embrace the little things, be resourceful, and remember Charlie Brown’s tree - it doesn’t have to be spectacular, shiny and metallic to be memorable or have significant value.

Don’t: Get caught up making the trip perfect. Live in the moment and enjoy.

Discovering new traditions and the history behind them is one of the most special bits when you travel during the holidays. That’s how new traditions are created. Taking bits & pieces from other cultures and merging them into something special and unique to you. One of the things I love most when traveling during the holidays is hearing other people’s stories, where they’re from, where they are going, and why… human connection is so empowering. I would love to hear and follow along with your journeys! Find me @kristabridges and keep pursuing a wanderlust for life!

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[Inspiring]

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This Is...

A Woman In A Man’s World

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This Is...

By: Tatum Garino

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ackie James is a woman in a man’s world. Instead of “being one of the guys,” she’s making a name for herself and doing all us females proud as she earns the respect of her colleagues despite the male forces at play. As a project engineer, Jackie is one of the few women on her team that is currently working on a $3.4 billion – you read that right, billion – project for LA Metro. After three years working on a light rail project as part of the systems group that worked on traction power and the overhead catenary system in Colorado, Jackie was relocated by her company to work on her current project in LA – which meant not only a new location but a new team...full of men. In English, Jackie works on figuring out how to power the train and how to make it communicate within itself and to the passengers as a badass female working amongst mostly men. With so few women in STEM, I chatted with her to discover how she got here and what it’s like.

Tatum Garino: How did you get into this role and this career path? Was it always something you were interested in?

Jackie James: I never thought I was going to be an engineer. In fact, I think I was in high school before I even heard about people being engineers. Growing up I didn’t know that was a job. I was really into forensics so I went to school for chemistry and it wasn’t until my junior year of college when I realized I kind of hated chemistry and couldn’t see myself doing that forever. I knew I needed to figure something out and I knew I was really good at math and enjoyed it and engineering was basically all

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math. It sounded fun and my roommate was also in engineering so I transferred over and I ended up really enjoying it.

I graduated with a mechanical engineering degree and I had done a few computer programming classes in college – not software programming but more like 3D modeling – and I really liked that so I thought maybe I’d like to do something like that. So I applied to a bunch of different things and got an interview to be a CAD operator – basically building things on a computer. At the end of the interview, the interviewer gave me a box and told me I could take down any information with the box, tape measure, and nails used provided.

Then, I was to go home and provide drawings and instructions to build the box so that someone dumber than a boot could build it. I was lucky because I was going back to somewhere I had access to 3D software to build the box and then I included word descriptions and I sent it to him and he said it was the best he’d ever seen. So then I got hired but because I had mentioned wanting an engineer’s salary and because of that interview experience, the guy who hired me hired me for the CAD operator position because that’s what the company needed but moved me into a project engineer role within six months. That’s how I started working on train systems – it was kind of by chance.

TG: You kind of touched on schooling and your first job but how has your path looked to getting where you’re at now?

JJ: Well in the CAD role and then the project engineering role, the reason I like what I do so much is because the guy that interviewed me is now my mentor and he is the one that has always been so encouraging and tells me about all the possibilities I have for my future – things I’ve never thought about – and he really en-

courages me and builds me up.

He ended up leaving the company I was working for originally to work in Denver and six months later he called me up and offered me the job in Denver because he thought there was a lot more I could do and I trusted him so I went and I’ve been with the company ever since and I’m just now back in Southern California working on my second project with this company.

TG: That is awesome to hear because one of the things I wanted to ask is how has it been being in a male dominated industry? It sounds like you found a great male mentor but has that been your experience across the board?

JJ: Surprisingly, for the most part, I don’t really feel like I’m treated any different by most people. I’m also a pretty strong-willed person so when I feel like I know what I’m talking about I don’t have a problem saying how I feel and being heard – I’m not shy about it. In general, especially working in construction, a lot of people assume the worst and for the most part I almost think if you can prove yourself it’s sort of an advantage because guys will yell or treat other guys worse and you have two types – a guy working with a girl who will do what she says and treats you great as if you’re his daughter and others who won’t do anything you ask of them.

I’ve definitely experienced things where they say things that are inappropriate or straight up don’t listen to you or kind of not even look at you in a conversation and I feel like it’s because I’m a female – so they just don’t take me seriously. I would say 80% of the time it’s fine and almost works to my advance and 20% of the time it’s the opposite. But I also think the reason it’s 80% positive for me is because of my personality. I feel like the girls who stand tall and say what they think can gain respect and it goes a lot further than just a guy

This Is... doing the same thing. I think as a girl you have to work harder but once you get it, you have it.

TG: Do you ever feel discouraged because of that?

JJ: I would say I feel annoyed. I also think a lot of time I don’t see it right away that they’re doing it unless it’s blatantly obvious and I just chalk it up to me having to prove myself. I don’t know what it’s like to be a guy coming into this so I just motivate myself to be better by blaming it on my own actions needing to prove myself.

TG: Do you feel supported in your field as part of the minority?

JJ: Yeah - I think that in every project I’ve worked on there have been multiple people that are really supportive. But like I said, I think they’re so supportive because I’m a team player and I make myself known in a room and I’ve proven myself. But, for some reason the girls bathroom at my new work has a lock on it with one key and girls will complain a lot amongst each other but not make it known – we’re just keeping it quiet. And the other day a guy told the higher ups about the lock when the guys don’t have a lock and this was just an example of a guy standing up to make it comfortable for everybody when the girls felt like they didn’t have a voice for some reason. Most of the time I’m the only girl in the room and I’ve found that in general the guys have been really supportive and encouraging. Honestly, most of my projects I end up telling them what to do and they listen. In construction it’s a very close-knit group and everyone does everything to help everyone out and maybe that’s because the projects I work on we are all working on the same project as opposed to different projects within the same office. So we only succeed if we all succeed and I think that’s why we’re all very supportive of each other. I think that’s why I’ve probably had better experience.

TG: That’s great to hear. Do you feel proud and badass?

JJ: I would say yes for the most part but there are always days when you’re a little unsure of what you did – especially starting new projects while I’m figuring out the people and where I stand. I really like what I do and I do feel badass sometimes. I get really encouraged by the people around me and I’ve gotten really lucky I’ve had coworkers I get along with so I feel badass because what I do not a lot of people do and it’s specialized so it’s cool but also liking what I do and who I do it with helps.

TG: That makes sense, but I think you’re a badass. Back to beginning did the knowledge of male domination scare you, deter you, motivate you anything?

JJ: I don’t think it ever deterred or motivated me. When I graduated I was one of four girls that graduated with a mechanical engineering degree so even in college I was used to it being only guys but I don’t think I feel encouraged or discouraged because for the most part I can relate better to guys than girls, so it almost felt normal. I don’t really notice I’m the only girl in the room unless I sit back and look at the fact that I’m in a room with 40-year-old men - and they don’t make me feel that way either.

TG: Have you experienced any stereotyping or inequalities due to being a woman in your field?

JJ: There’s two specific times and one more general one that happens more often that I’ve noticed. In general, I’ve noticed I’ll be in a conversation with two guys and I’ll notice the entire time no matter how many times I talk they only look at each other during conversations – they’ll look at me while I’m talking but then return to looking at each other when they respond or continue talking. It’s almost like I don’t exist unless I’m specifically talking.

There have a been a couple times I’ve experienced it in the field, not in the office. Every morning the construction guys do stretches and I’ve had a guy say “You can come stretch and flex with us any time” and also say “Hey cutie” or “You’re way better to look at than him.” So I have to face comments like that that aren’t appropriate. Obviously that’s because I’m female.

I had one guy that, I don’t know if it was sexist or ageist, but he’s high up in the industry and he was trying to figure out how to do a timestamp on a photo on his phone and I told him he could do it with an app and he said “If you help me with this maybe I’ll remember your name.” And we had all flown in for this testing and I was the only one from my company – like I flew in to represent my company.

So it does get frustrating sometimes.

In my industry specifically I think part of the reason it’s more male-dominated is because we have long hours and travel and it’s more “normal” for men to work longer hours and come home late and not have those home responsibilities of cooking and cleaning and taking care of kids. If you do want to stick to your 9 or 10 hours, not even 8, I feel like I get looked down a lot because in their eyes I am working part time, they actually call it that, because I leave after 9 or 10 hours and they are there for 12 or 13 hours. And it sucks because I’m there for all the time I’m supposed to be and sometimes I feel like I can get more done in my 9 or 10 hours than some people get done in their 12 or 13 and it really doesn’t matter your productivity levels, it’s honestly just how much time you’re at the office. I think it’s because in general a guy’s work day ends when he leaves the office and a girl’s work day ends when she goes to bed because of laundry, grocery shopping, dinner, etcetera.

TG: Well that totally sucks. What's

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This Is... the typical response people give you - both within your field or outside of - when you introduce yourself as a woman in your role?

JJ: To the general public, people not in my industry, any time I say I’m an engineer they’re always surprised.

They make a big deal out of it. When I introduce myself at work or wherever I don’t get much of any response.

So I really only get a response from everyone else.

TG: What advice do you have for other women looking to get into

STEM? JJ: This is not necessarily advice but most of the guys I’ve worked with say that the best engineers they have are woman. I’ve had people say if they had to choose between a male or a female engineer they would choose the female. So I guess my advice would be it’s amazing what you can do as a female in a man’s field. A lot of times it’s that different mindset or perspective that’s needed. It’s also a lot about how you carry yourself - if you stand tall and speak with authority and act confidently you will get

treated with more respect – and that goes for both men and women. The last thing I would say, which I heard at a women’s conference, is don’t say sorry. It almost becomes natural in conversations to be like, “Oh sorry I’ll go do that” or if someone doesn’t agree with you but especially in a male-dominated world men will never say sorry, even if they should.

So don’t say sorry, because as soon as you do it’s their way of owning you.

Own up to it if you did something wrong but don’t apologize, just fix it.

“Don’t say sorry, because as soon as you do it’s their way of owning you.”

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[Healthy]

Navigating The Holiday Flux By: Krista Bridges

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et’s be upfront at the get-go.

This isn’t the anticipated ‘weight fluctuation’ article it originally set out to be. Managing your health during the holidays is so much more than a number on a scale.

The mental and emotional fluctuations we face during the holidays are much more prominent, correlating to our choices and their consequences which impact our overall wellness. Define that how you will.

Before writing this article, I wanted to sit down and chat with other women, to hear directly from them what their personal holiday struggles were, and their responses shared an overarching theme. The pressure & guilt of pleasing others not to mention the stress, ooooh the stress: schedules, parties, FOMO, work drinks, travel, family, time, food anxieties, gift-giving, luggage packing, dealing with loss, missing loved ones, being away from home, emotional eating, dividing time across families, not spending enough couple time, social anxiety, zero quiet time… Can you relate?

The Physical Stress. Mental Stress. Emotional stress.

How we handle stress during the holidays speaks volumes. What starts to happen, and why does it happen, and how do we cope?

When we start to fall out of our routine and cram extra into our days, our own “me time” starts to fall away. The downward spiral leading to pure exhaustion and burn-out. Sound familiar?

Imagine…It’s Monday, December 19th. You can barely keep your eyes open at your desk and if you see one more client deliverable timeline cut because they want the project complete before the holiday break, you might actually reach

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through your computer screen and punch someone. That spin class you were going to go to after work? Forget it. You’re wiped from a Sunday Funday at the 12 Days of Christmas Trivia last night. Lucky you turned up to work and didn’t fall asleep on the keyboard, let alone get your butt to the gym. If you had it your way you would just go cozy up with some hot cocoa in your bed...oh, but wait...You promised you’d go out and meet the girls for happy hour tonight. One mulled wine leads to another and it’s 11pm on a school night and you still haven’t eaten dinner. Unless those sweet potato fries Brittany ordered count? The fridge is empty back home, because you had originally planned to stop at Trader Joe’s after that spin class. Oops.

What’s even open at 11pm? Takeaway again… or a PB&J. That’s kind of ‘healthy’, right? Alas, deeper we dive down the rabbit hole, and this vicious cycle we seem to fall ‘victim’ to every single year. Stop right there. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we get on this guilt-ridden roller coaster ride year after year?

Why do we use “it’s the holidays” as a default? What is it about the festive season that allows us to feel we can live life in excess for 6 weeks of indulgences, and then feel guilt or need to resolve our behaviors?

And how does our calendar, party commitments, relationships, travel, shopping, food, and stress level impact our overall well-being?

In midst of writing this piece, I realized how often we overcommit ourselves to the social highs of the holidays. We feel we have to divide our time between partners, family and friends. Our own personal priorities are put on the back burner and sometimes we are just overwhelmed. How can we minimize the pressures and start to actively choose our own positive

path through the holiday hectic?

These few words came up frequently within our chats; Balance, forgiveness, mindfulness and setting boundaries.

Give yourself permission to feel how you want to feel. To do what you want to do. Take the reigns to do what you love, and be unapologetic about it.

Remind yourself, you do not have to please everyone, and that’s okay.

Choose where you want to spend your time versus feeling obliged.

Feel empowered with your decisions.

Build in quiet time. Recharge your batteries with a book, a night (or two) in, cook a meal alone, spend an evening catching up with Netflix - whatever helps your heart and your mind settle into a sense of calm.

Stop apologizing for your own needs. For example, if you have a food intolerance, and social situations give you anxiety in regards to what might be on the menu, do not be afraid to speak up for what you might need. Better yet, bridge this kind of conversation with a host, and offer to bring a dish and a dessert to share.

Refuse restrictions. Not just during the holidays. Year round. Feeling free to make your own choices because you want to, not because you “should do” is liberating. Do what makes you feel good holistically.

Move it. If you’re already active, sticking to your usual routine can be hard this time of year. If you aren’t into the fitness side of things, being active doesn’t have to mean you go to the gym. Take a walk with a friend, go ice-skating, go out dancing. Studies show simply moving our body creates

This Is... endorphins lifting our mood and positive mental health.

Love your body. Feed it good food (and water) and it will love you back. Our bodies change in weight from the moment we wake up throughout the rest of the day, not just during the holidays. Fluctuation is normal. Depending what we have fueled with, we might feel amazing or we might feel bloated, gross and puffy. If we are forgiving of the choices we make, and choose to make better ones, our mental health will be stronger.

Better yet; eliminate weighted thoughts before they even start. Throw out the scale. If you have consistency and balance year round, you won’t feel the need to over-do it just on the holidays. And by the way, if you do, who cares. Pick up where you left off and don’t beat yourself up about it. As an icy Disney princess once said, ‘Let It Go.’

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Holiday Drinking B:y: Sara Boyd

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A

s Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, kids are joyous and thrilled for any type of gift their parents or long lost relatives will bring them. Spending time with cousins, all the food, endless candy, and all the breaks from school! But, what about you? The shopping. Kids are bored even though they have endless toys to keep them entertained. Dinner planning. Family hosting. And the endless loads of laundry.

Sounds fucking miserable just typing that as I am drinking Jameson like water.

The holidays are stressful. On so many different levels that I, as a non-parent, might not understand. But, what I can understand is the forced family conversation of that relative you’re forced to pretend to like because “it’s only once a year.” We all have one. But to relieve this stress, many people turn to drinking. Socially. To help you sleep at night. Binge drinking (which is not encouraged). Whatever works for you. It’s no secret, though, that alcohol is not the best thing for you. Neither is the whole pumpkin pie your judgmental aunt eats every year but, we will focus on you for right now. Over consumption of alcohol can be extremely dangerous to our internal organs, sleep patterns, and the dreaded hangover. It is recorded on Alcohol.org that from Thanksgiving Day to New Year’s Day, DUI rates go up 33% across America.

And surprisingly enough, this is mostly on Thanksgiving. Yes, the holidays are financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. But, please DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. Now, onto the good stuff. It’s important to consider healthier drink options when plowing into the holiday season. If you’re going to do it, might as well leave the extra

calories for the dessert tables. Although I support the consumption of alcohol (in moderation), I also want you to be aware of the extra caloric intake you’re consuming in addition to the feast of delicious yet high fat food you’ll be consuming during the two months. One glass of red wine has roughly 200 calories (switch to white to cut calories) while 1.5 ounces of vodka has 100. I’m not telling you what to do but, choose wisely.

One healthier option to choose from is spiked seltzer water. There are a variety of brands that are available now that allow you to consume the perfect amount of alcohol to calm the nerves without overthinking if you’re able to eat that extra piece of sweet potato pie. (Disclaimer: Always eat the extra piece of pie.) This drink usually has lower caloric content with low fat, sugar and carbohydrates. This is fantastic to avoid being overly bloated and having the additional sugar. If you and your family have traditional drinks that you consume every year, finding healthier alternatives to incorporate can become beneficial to everyone. Low fat eggnog and sugar free drink mixers are always available and sometimes even cheaper. In some instances, you can even make your mixer to avoid all the extra preservatives! It’s extra work but, squeezing limes for a skinny margarita is what kids are for. Am I right?

Finally, it is always important to remember that the daily sugar consumption for a healthy, middle aged women is 25 grams or 6 teaspoons. Now, I don’t know about you but, I’d rather eat that sugar than drink it. Everyone has their preferences and remember, it is okay to drink your calories.

Just be mindful of not over eating or over drinking. After all, the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year.

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[LOL Worthy]

The Worst Gift I Ever Got Edition Worst gift: My husband and I received these goblets the year we got married.

They’re sterling silver, our names are engraved on one side and our wedding date is on the other – fancy shmancy – except there’s one major problem… my husband’s name is spelled wrong!

People always spell our names wrong, but at this point, we’d been together for four plus years, and it was someone in my immediate family that sent this misspelled gift! I know it was an honest mistake, but still... The gift-giver did offer to return it for a new one, although they never did, and I highly doubt you can do that with a customized piece, anyways. So, our goblets are proudly displayed with the other misspelled items we own, and after all of these years, we still look at it and laugh.

Sincerely,

Married & Misspelled

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When I was in high school, the Christmas gifts from my Grandparents started to slide down the scale of “cool.” I can’t decide if it’s because the price tags went up on my Christmas list or because she was getting older and less in touch with what’s in for the season.

Either way, here I am writing my personal story about the worst Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten.

I feel like it’s appropriate to build up suspense by sharing one of the gifts I opened from my Grandparents this year before getting to the worst gift ever. It was a set of Christmas sweaters from JC Penny’s. One was sky blue with two snowmen on it. The snowmen were sewed on cotton ball type things. My grandparents had ZERO idea that Ugly Christmas Sweater parties existed, so I acted like they were cute while I secretly thought about how I would for sure win the ugly sweater contest next year.

And now for the grand finale, I opened a brand new paper shredder. I’m in high school.

What the hell do I need to shred?! My mom made eye contact with me and gave me the look to act happy, so I complied. The shredder sat in my closet for two years until I packed up my stuff for college and decided to donate it to Goodwill.

Honestly, I really regret getting rid of that thing because now it would seriously come in handy.

ally forgot.

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Sincerely,

Loves To Sleep

When I was abroad, I was talking to this guy back in the states consistently for the four months I was there. I was coming home for Christmas and wanted to get him a gift from Italy, so I put a lot of thought into it and got him a few meaningful items that summed up the last four months we talked. When we exchanged gifts, I was not so pleasantly surprised to be given a $3 blanket from CVS. But hey, now he is my fiancé!

Sincerely,

No Longer Cold Or Single

I love my grandma but she can be a little cheap sometimes. Every year I question what she is going to put in my stocking. One year it was math help books, another year it was an orange, but in the most recent years she has like to give her Lancome freebies she receives receives for purchasing the real stuff or she’ll stick coupons she gets in the mail in your stocking. Recently she got a Soma (if you don’t know what Soma is it’s an older demographics bra shop) 20% off coupon in the mail and decided to stick it in my stocking. And, when I opened it up, she told me they had really nice stuff and I should get something…

Sincerely,

Someone Who Has A Stack Of Mail I

Can’t Throw Away Because It Needs To

Be Shredded First Sincerely,

Old Lady Boobs (Apparently) So last Christmas I opened my gift from my dad and it’s two bed pillows from Costco.

The gift caught me off guard but I was like hey, I love to sleep and he loves Costco so I guess it makes sense? Seven months later, my birthday rolls around and I go to my dad’s to get my present – IT’S TWO DIFFERENT PILLOWS FROM COSTCO. I started laughing and told my dad I still had the ones he got me for Christmas and he about shit himself because he had forgotten about giving me pillows for Christmas. I can’t even say it’s the thought that counts because he didn’t think, he liter-

I have a cousin who is super cheap and for my other cousin’s wedding she gave her a gift that came in used wrapping paper with a post card she got for free at a winery. When my cousin opened the gift no one could figure out what it was but we decided it was an armadillo platter. Needless to say, she’s been trying to re-gift it.

Sincerely,

Cousin of a Cheapskate

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o w s r t w hy e ] [N

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t This Is… we’re all about boss babes and Tanisha Lawrence fits that bill. As a full time business woman, Tanisha decided to add business owner to her resume when she started her own beauty brand with a line of non-toxic, vegan and cruelty-free nail polish that is made in the USA. All while still maintaining her full time role.

So we chatted with this badass boss babe side hustler to find out more about her journey with LAW Beauty Essentials.

This Is…: How did you start LAW Beauty Essentials?

Tanisha Lawrence: LAW Beauty Essentials was just a thought amongst many other great ideas. I’ve always known I wanted to be a business owner, I just wasn’t sure in what industry. I started doing research on what it would take to open my own cosmetics line. After countless, in person conversations, emails, and phone calls, I discovered a manufacturer in the United States.

I took a trip to the manufacturer and was given a tour of the factory. I sat down with the head of the office and also the chemist. I discussed my goals and also learned a lot about the nail polish industry.

I found that it’s very connected and I was able to find all the resources I needed just by asking for referrals.

TI: What were you doing before?

TL: Before I founded LAW Beauty Essentials I held great positions at Fortune 500 companies, I started out in finance and moved to insurance. I was working for Progressive Insurance when my first shipment was sent to me for LAW. I was excited to start my journey of entrepreneurship, but many of my core lessons, values, and experiences came from these positions I held.

TI: What made you decide to start a company and a beauty brand at

that?

TL: I’ve always been a very hard worker. I would always do my very best in all roles and positions when I was an employee, however I was never completely satisfied. I knew if I dedicated the same hard work and energy into something of my own I would be happier. I began thinking what kind of business I could open.

I've always been obsessed with nail polish, and although in the beginning it was just a thought, I started researching what it would take to own my own polish line. Once I realized it was possible, I went for it. It is very fulfilling for me to use my business to wear all the caps I've always wanted to “wear”. I’m a photographer, an event planner, a financial advisor, a model, a sales expert - I’m everything I want to be.

TI: Hell yeah! Why nail polish?

TL: They say do what you love. And I love nail polish. I love getting my nails done. My love for nail polish came about because it was my first introduction to the beauty industry at the age of 4. I would get manis and pedis with my mother. It was a bonding experience and I want to create that for others.

TI: What has the journey looked like since deciding you were going to take the plunge? Both your personal and professional journey but also the details of things like figuring out the colors and ingredients, testing product, getting help, etcetera?

TL: My journey was and still is very eventful. When I started I had a 9-5 job and now I’m still currently working for a major airline. I had to really manage my time. Working a 9-5, getting adequate rest, and chasing your dreams can be very exhausting. I developed serious anxiety. Family is key and means everything to me. They’re a huge support system and I learned talking to people you trust is very beneficial.

I’m much better at juggling my jobs, health and time now, but it took time and dedication. I’m a perfectionist and this can be both a good and a bad thing. Perfecting colors takes time and the seasons wait for no one! There were times colors were released in the wrong season, promotions missed deadlines, typos on major printing projects and other several horror stories I could name that sent my anxiety through the roof. I learned to take it easy and everything will fall into place.

I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it. I have a team of sales reps for pop ups, graphic designers, photographers, and people who help me with specifics needs when necessary. I’m a one woman show but I do outsource when need be. I maintain a healthy relationship with my manufacturer to stay updated with the nail polish industry and I’ve graduated nail specialty school to be licensed to treat nails.

TI: What makes you proud of your journey?

TL: I’m proud when I see customers happy with what they see. The look of excitement and the urge to ask me questions lets me know they are interested.

TI: What’s been the hardest part?

TL: The hardest part is convincing yourself the decisions you are making are the right ones . At your job you are told what to do and you do so. As the CEO you are making all the decisions. Very often I doubt myself and I have to overcome those fears and be confident in my decisions.

TI: What’s made it all feel worth it?

TL: It’s been 4 years later and I'm still growing. If LAW doesn’t become a household name I know it has gotten into many homes and I’m proud.

TI: What makes you proud of your product?

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TL: I’m proud my products are made in the USA, Vegan, Cruelty Free, 10 Free (non-toxic). I’m proud of the unique colors and the consistency of the formula. I’m also proud to stand amongst other indie brands confidently, knowing my company is double minority owned and products are of great quality.

TI: Do you have plans to expand?

TL: My plans are to expand my product line into a variety of nail care products and nail fashion accessories. As a hobby I make jewelry and I love hand accessories to compliment my nails. The main goal is to make it into department stores.

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Connect with and learn more about LAW Beauty Essentials below. www.lawbeautyessentials.com

LAW Beauty Essentials

@lawbeautyessentials

@lawbeautyess

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[Generous] Charity Spotlight:

Babies of Homelessness

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By: Tatum Garino

W

ith 12,112 individuals experiencing homelessness as of January 26, 2018, Seattle is home to the third largest homeless population in the United States. As of that same day, 52% of the Seattle population was unsheltered and an estimated 2,624 individuals were families with children, according to the Seattle/King County point-in-time count of persons experiencing homelessness of 2018. If that’s not problematic enough, nearly one in three poor and/or homeless families living with children struggle to afford the basic necessities, such as diapers, for their babies.

If you’re like me, you’ve never seen a homeless baby and you’ve probably never thought about the fact they exist, let alone known how many were living in your backyard.

But for Star Lalario, this truth was known to her from a young age. As a child, Star experienced homelessness and was tossed to and from different shelters with her mom.

Then, as an adult, Star began volunteering with the Union

Gospel Mission going out on search and rescue missions in different parts of Seattle and she found that while there were plenty of things geared towards adults of homelessness like food, clothing, socks and underwear, there wasn’t anything for babies and children. And, the more missions she went on, the more Star identified how many babies and children are living in homelessness and the public doesn’t know because they don’t see them. So, she decided to do something about it.

Star Lalario founded Babies of Homelessness in 2016 when she started putting together small care packages out of her home with warm clothing, food, diapers, and wipes and it began to take over her house. From there, it grew. It first grew with the addition of Brittan Stockert, who I sat down with over coffee to discuss the who, what, why and how of Babies of Homelessness.

After learning about how Babies of Homelessness has grown from the two of them to a team of 28 volunteers that now stores packages in a storage facility in Bothell instead of using Star’s garage, I asked Brittan to take me back to the whole point of Babies of Homelessness.

Tatum Garino: So how would you describe Babies of Homelessness – it’s mission, it’s purpose, all of that?

Brittan Stockert: Sure, so we are an emergency crisis team. If a community member identifies a family on the streets or living in a homeless shelter or in a tent city we have a main crisis number and then they’ll contact us and within 24-48 hours our volunteer team will pull very basic items for babies and children and will get out there to give them what they need.

So we are one of a kind in that there are seven diaper banks in Washington and only three in King County but there are challenges with that because

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This Is... if a parent needs just like a fresh diaper immediately for their kid, rather than making them jump through the hoops of getting referred from different agencies, we will get out there and meet the family wherever they’re at. If they need a diaper we’re low barrier, we’ll get you a diaper no judgment.

We’re finding also there’s a huge need.

The demographic of homeless families we usually serve most often they’re not mentally ill, they’re not drug-addicted – more often than not there’s at least one parent that’s always working and it’s just a matter of soaring rents in Seattle. And so, there’s close to I think 3,000 families unsheltered, living in their cars in Snohomish and King Counties that have babies and children.

2,624+ homeless families with children living in Seattle as of January 26, 2018.

TG: Wow. BS: And like I said we are it for being a resource to get them the basics – so things like diapers, formula, clothing, things like that.

TG: Wow that’s awesome. And how long has is taken to get from – BS: To get to this point?

TG: Yeah.

BS: Well let’s see, we were founded a little over two years ago. It was pretty much just Star and then she put a callout on one of our Facebook neighborly pages for any help in non-profits and I virtually raised my hand as “That’s my background, let me help you.” So I basically did all of the kind of boring, compliant stuff to get her organization registered as a 501(c)(3) and then little did I know I kind of got swooped into it where I, seriously like every day and weekend, Star and I drove everywhere making deliveries and every month we would hold volunteer meetings and, like I’ve said, we’ve now grown into a team of 28 volunteers. And all of these volunteers are not just volunteers, they

give above and beyond like it’s a part time job – it’s amazing. Most of the volunteers we have they work fulltime, they have families so it’s crazy.

TG: I mean, that’s crazy to me that in two years it’s gone from a single person to a team of 30 with your volunteers and then the two of you.

BS: Right! So we started off in the beginning we were getting maybe 2-4 calls a week to the main crisis number where we would get a call and assess the family’s needs and then get them what they need. But we are now at 2-3 calls per day.

We’ve also grown with so many different partner organizations. So we partner with all of the shelters, we’re part of King County’s 2-in-1, so we’ll get referrals through them, we’re recognized by DSHS so it’s crazy and we’re still in need of help. Especially for intake – we have two committees, there’s intake and outreach. Intake we have coordinators that are by the phone 24/7 to really help families get what they need and then we have outreach where they go and make

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This Is... the deliveries. So we are always in need of volunteers.

TG: So let’s go ahead and jump to that, how can people help?

BS: Our biggest need right now is taking calls and making deliveries. But we recognize that everyone has different work schedules and so we have a variety of opportunities whether it’s working directly with families by making deliveries or taking phone calls or we need a lot of backend help with graphic design, marketing, compliance, even generating media buzz, event coordination – it’s everything.

TG: Okay, and what does that look like? If someone’s interested in helping how do they go about contacting you?

BS: We have a volunteer coordinator, her name is Rachel and we have a specific email for her. Basically they would reach out to her, fill out an application, and then she would match the volunteer with the opportunity that’s best fit for what they’re interested in and their schedule.

TG: Oh, awesome! You kind of touched on the difference between the resources that were available for adults that weren’t there for babies and children, and so what do you guys think makes this cause so much different than any others – not even just adult homelessness?

BS: I think what we’re doing has a very small impact base but in reality it’s huge because when you can provide the basics – the very basics – to parents, like diapers and formula, it gives them a sense of self-worth, competency, and it makes them feel empowered. And when they feel like they can be the best parents in a really crappy situation, in their car on the streets, it really moves them forward to focus on being good parents but also focus on the bigger picture items like, “Oh, the basics are covered let me work on applying for a job or getting on the housing waitlist.” But when they don’t have those basics it’s as if they’re paralyzed and they’re only focused on those granular details like needing to get diapers. And it also ties into research that states if a kid has its basic needs met in early development it’s less traumatized in the long run – so in a long term frame of mind it’s addressing the source of repeating the cycle of poverty.

TG: Yeah, absolutely. On that note, how do you see what you guys are doing on the day to day as having that larger impact to anything beyond the specific families that you’re helping?

BS: Good question. Well I think for one what we’re doing really educates and raises awareness – there’s a public misconception of homelessness in Seattle specifically. And, if you listen to the media the problem is always categorized as if it’s the individual’s fault – they’re mentally ill or drug-addicted and what we’re finding is that’s not the case. So I think our goal beyond what we do by providing the basics is raising awareness of what the true face of homelessness is. You know, it could happen to any one of us and it doesn’t fit into that black or white box. These are real, normal people trying to make ends meet.

TG: I definitely see that stereotype everywhere in the media so I think it’s awesome that you guys are putting a real face to the epidemic.

BS: Yeah, and I think another way to get involved too is to learn about poverty in Seattle. Even if you don’t feel comfortable going

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This Is... out on your own you can always join us on what we call “ride-alongs” to meet these families. That’s part of the education piece - to build the compassion - and it gets our community looking out for each other.

TG: Along the lines of a ride-along, what does that day-to-day look like for you guys? Because you mentioned it’s a side project for you guys because you’re working full time.

BS: We have it down to a science now.

We have about 4-5 outreach volunteers and we each have different days that we take on so basically we’re oncall. So when someone calls our crisis line and is like, “I need diapers now” whichever member is on call that day will go out and make a delivery. And amazingly we’ve always met that 48 hour mark.

TG: That’s impressive.

BS: Okay, there’s maybe been one or two instances where we’ve had to rely on Amazon Prime [laughs], which we really use our community members for. We’ll put out a request on Facebook saying we have a family we need to get a delivery out to and someone we don’t even know will virtually raise their hand and we’ll ship it to them to deliver. So it’s cool, we have a really strong Facebook following and we haven’t done any intentional fundraising efforts but just through Facebook we’ve raised tens of thousands of dollars.

TG: Wow! Yeah when I was looking at your Facebook page, ever since Facebook implemented the ability to fundraise for your birthday, I saw how many fundraisers you had through that and it’s amazing.

BS: Yeah, it’s really popular – it can be baby showers, birthdays, anything.

TG: Oh baby showers, that’s genius!

So I know you guys probably see a lot of crappy situations that pull at the heartstrings, what’s the hardest part of it all?

BS: Yeah, well wanting to help more and not being able to. Because of our bandwidth and being all volunteers we have to continually remind our-

selves that our scope of services is limited to only providing the basics.

When we first got started we were on the phone all day really trying to get people into emergency housing and connecting them to these other resources and we just had a reality check that we have to stick to what we do. And so struggling daily with the fact that we can’t be the end-all solution. Also, we can be the eyes and ears if a child is in harm but basic things like if a child has fleas or bed bugs or something we can’t just pull a child out of the situation. In order for CPS to get involved it has to be severe neglect. They define neglect as like worst case, kind of after the fact, and so there are certain situations where we would like to be able to take the child away from the family but we don’t have full control of doing that so all we can do is reach out to CPS to make them aware of the situation.

TG: So what makes all of that worth it?

BS: Well our motto is regardless of what mom and dad are doing, what they do or what they continue to repeat, as long as they are unsheltered we continue to prioritize the child with the basics – keep them warm and fed. And if we feel that they’re completely in harm’s way we’ll call CPS. TG: I don’t know if you have the visibility to the after math but have you seen success stories?

BS: Yeah we’re starting to get more of that. Often our outreach team will get text messages from families saying things like, “Oh my gosh, I just got into transitional housing.” Which is huge. It’s a whole journey. Just to get into an emergency shelter that could take like six weeks, then to get into transitional housing, which is the next step, that could take a couple of years and then permanent housing is 6 to 8 years. So it’s huge when we get messages about getting into transitional housing or getting a GED and it all seriously starts with being that ongoing diaper support so that they can focus on nudging their case manager along to get them to the top of the

housing list or whatever it may be. So we get success stories and we’ve been getting more and more every day.

TG: That’s nice that they are sharing it with you, too. Obviously it shows you’ve built a connection of some sort.

BS: Right and that was kind of a challenge at first – how do we demonstrate the impact that we’re having on our Facebook page with a good balance of respecting the families we serve and not making it like we’re the savior? I think we’re starting to find a good balance where families are open to share their stories publicly kind of in order to educate others. We have a good trusting relationship where they feel comfortable.

TG: Knowing that you have the motto of providing the basics, what services do you provide? What do those basics look like?

BS: That’s a great question. So we have a top four – diapers, wipes, formula and food. And for anything outside of those as far as baby basics we partner with Eastside Baby Corner for things like warm clothing, strollers, pack and plays, any kind of furniture for once a family actually becomes sheltered and gets housing. We’ll put in a request to Eastside Baby Corner and then we’ll pick it up and deliver those additional items.

TG: Other than the partnership with Eastside Baby Corner, where do you get the goods that you’re providing?

BS: Solely from community members - so individual donations. We’ve never had to buy diapers in bulk or at discounted rates. We basically hold donation drives or like what we were talking about the birthday fundraisers. We have two storage units jampacked with diapers and wipes and we’re continually getting them on a weekly basis. So it’s amazing.

TG: That is. In regards to how you guys have grown, was it hard in the beginning getting that support and those donations and volunteers or did people kind of latch on?

BS: You know, it’s really strange, I’ve

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This Is... worked for several non-profits and startups where the idea or product just doesn’t resonate so you have to do a lot of hard pitching and hard selling but for some reason our name alone, Babies of Homelessness, people seem to get it in Seattle. I think we’re number three as far as the top three cities of homelessness in the US so I think people definitely know there’s a problem but what really surprises them is once we actually show them photos and testimonials they’re like, “What? There are babies and children under I-5 or behind the Starbucks in downtown Kirkland?”

TG: Yeah because they’re not the ones that you see.

BS: No, they’re not and also, for many reasons, parents that are unsheltered are protective of their children and don’t want them to be taken away from them so they’re very private, they don’t put their situation out on display. So when we do show that this problem exists it’s like oh, wow – whoa. Also, I find that one of our largest demographics of donors are moms and they just kind of get it.

Even for myself, I have two children, it’s $60 a month to keep a baby dry and warm with diapers. And so for a normal middle class person that’s a lot of money by the time you pay rent,

utilities and whatnot.

TG: And that’s just diapers.

BS: Right. And if you think about it, people who are unsheltered don’t have the same equitable access to go to Costco or Amazon Prime to be able to get these discount diapers so they’re really at a disadvantage.

TG: I’ve never thought about that, wow. This is so enlightening.

BS: Yeah, and another thing to add – the two largest federal agencies who provide support to moms and families for the baby basics are SNAP and WIC. SNAP provides food assistance and WIC provides formula and some other family planning things but neither of those agencies provide any time of emergency or ongoing diaper support. So that’s when nonprofits come in and as I said, we are it aside from Eastside Baby Corner, we’re it for King and Snohomish Counties.

TG: So do you guys have a growth plan? What do you see for the future?

BS: Star definitely has a five year plan.

She has a larger picture where she kind of wants a hub where she wants to have safe housing that’s clean – because a lot of families are reluctant to go to shelters because they’d rather stay in their cars for health reasons.

So she wants a hub, so not just a safehouse for families to stay but a hub where they can get everything.

So there would be a resource center, job employment training, a childcare place, a place to access all of their food needs – so if you think of all of the basic needs and then beyond that like housing assistance, employment assistance, she wants to bring it all into one safe space instead of being siloed as it is right now. Because in order to access these different things you have to be referred to each agency, which could take weeks, and then just getting there to those places can be really difficult when you don’t have transportation.

TG: Yeah, my first thought was if they’re all in different places how are you supposed to get to them?

BS: Right! And you have to be referred. And the thing is with basics like food, you don’t have that leeway to just wait – when you need a clean diaper, when you need emergency food you need it, you can’t just wait.

And wait, they shouldn’t. See below for how you can help by donating your time and/or money to this great cause.

Volunteer: volunteer@babiesofhomelessness.org Donate: www.babiesofhomelessness.org/donations/ Connect: www.facebook.com/ BabiesOfHomelessness/

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[ p a r time] y

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Our top three tips for the most festive New Year’s Party 1. Must haves: photo station, props, and a backdrop.

2. You can never have too many balloons.

3. Mix all the metallics.

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[Good Shit]

Holiday Edition: Some of Your Favorite Holiday Mood Makers Any Christmas movie from the Hallmark Channel. Whether it’s Tuesday night at 8 or from the moment you wake up and binge on Saturday morning, The Hallmark Channel during Christmas time is your best friend. Personally, I like to head to my mom’s house (we are a streaming only house) and campout on her couch any given holiday season Sunday with tea and good snacks. They may be cheesy but they will have you dreaming about what your Christmas decorations could look like, calling up Balsam Hill to order their crazy priced Christmas trees that probably won’t fit in your apartment.

-Laura Critzer

I’m throwing it back a bit to one of my favorite Halloween movies from the 90s that involves magic, a talking black cat, the Black Flame Candle, and last but certainly not least, 3 witches that happen to be sisters…that’s right, I’m referring to Hocus Pocus! No other movie kicks off the beginning of the holiday season like Hocus Pocus does! I’ve watched this movie since I was a child, and it’s still just as good it was 25 years ago! So, grab a pumpkin spice latte, start the fire, throw on your favorite comfy leggings/sweatshirt and have a spook-tacular time watching the Sanderson sisters terrorize Salem.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is the epitome of Christmas movies. It’s a tradition with my family that we watch this movie every December. It’s playful, merry and will make you laugh with it’s old school humor (whether you find the movie’s humor truly funny or you’re laughing at how “outdated” it is – that’s for you to decide!). As always, Chevy Chase is a hoot! They just don’t make classic holiday movies like this anymore.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You,” by Mariah Carey will get you so pumped for the holiday season! The song starts out slow and ramps up quickly with Mariah belting out the tunes. I love it. Whenever I hear the song (at home, in the car, at the mall), it makes me want to dance and sing my heart out. It’s definitely a must for everyone’s Christmas playlist!

I’m from Florida, where it NEVER looks like Christmas, but whenever I hear “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas,” by Johnny Mathis, I believe him! It’s an older song, but it’s so jolly and up-beat. How can one resist not playing it throughout the holiday season? It’s a goodie!

I love the version of, “Santa Baby,” by Madonna. It’s more of a sexy, sultry version, but the queen slays it. It’s always on my “background music” playlist when we have guests over for the holidays.

– Branigan Wright

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As soon as the blustery winds of October seap around the corners of my favorite fall sweater, you’ll find me browsing with a guilty face through my holiday playlist. Halloween hasn’t even pestered my doorway with the chimes of children trick-or-treating, but my mind is already two months ahead.

It starts on Halloween. My sister and a I have a longstanding tradition of carving ridiculously amateur pumpkins while blasting holiday music, much to the annoyance of other family members, who prefer to wait until the words December hit our phone screens to soak up some “Santa Baby” and “I’ll be Home for Christmas.”

If you’re in the mood to welcome in the month of December, cooler weather, and pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, then here’s some of my personal recommendations for the “good stuff” of the holidays to get you in the jingle just a leeeeeeetle early: Music My teenage sisters converted me to Justin Bieber’s Christmas album “Under the Mistletoe” years ago, so I’ve been listening to “Drummer Boy” (guaranteed to get stuck in your head) and “All I Want is You” the last three months of the year for the last four years or so. Plus Bieber was at that stage where he had the youthful face and the longish hair, so it’s definitely a vibe.

Maybe I’m a little old school at heart, but I’ve never gotten tired of the Carpenter’s classic holiday album, “Christmas Collection.” The Civil Wars’ “Tracks in the Snow” from their album of the same title is pretty darn amazing, if you’re into acoustic music.

I’ve saved the best for last, because one of my top favorites is a take on “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, where the guy actually doesn’t pressure the girl to stay the night at his place. Wow. Talk about something I can get behind.

Check out the song on Spotify here.

Movies My all-time favorite Christmas movie has got to be “The Santa Claus” - the one with Tim Allen. I swear that no matter how many dozens of time I watch it, it never gets old, the jokes never stops being funny, and the cheesiness never gets too cheesy.

If you’re not in the mood for a comedy, I suggest “The Polar Express” for a classic storyline with a slightly sinister, animated side. Honestly, the voice acting and visuals in this film are pretty amazing.

And in the spirit of good vibes, I make a point to watch Miracle on 34th Street (the 90s version) every holiday season. I seriously question if Santa Claus is real every

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time, even though I stopped believing when I was about eight years old.

Candles Ok this is where I get excited and go all agog, drooling in the candle aisle at my local Home Goods. Seriously...You can get the best deals on holiday candles at this bargain paradise.

Just don’t forget to hit up their selection right after New Year’s, because all the holidaythemed candles go on sale and you can stock up for the next season - or just enjoy that peppermint and hollysprigged beauty in March.

But if you’re not in the mood to wade through the crowds at a brick-and-mortar, check out Yankee Candle’s online selection. I know that they’re a little on the pricier side (upwards to $29.50 for a large, classic jar candle), but they’re quality pays off in the long run with balanced scents and long-wasting burn time. A couple of my favorites that I would recommend would be Cranberry Peppermint (way to bring autumn and winter together!), Cozy by the Fire (more of a woodsy, spicy scent), Cinnamon Stick for a basic-as-you’re-gonna-get option, Apple Cider, and Apple Spice.

Again, I’m a cheap girl at heart, so if you’re like me and would rather go the extra mile to get a better deal, hit up Home Goods post-January 1st and stock up for the next holiday season.

Believe me, you won’t regret it.

Candies I’m usually the first one to trek to the closest TJ Maxx and load up on the most random and creatively packaged chocolates and holiday sweets. But I’m also one to jump on any opportunity to shop local and spend my hardearned dollars at a small business.

Enter Boehm's Candies into this sweet, sweet picture.

Located in Issaquah, Washington, the company has been around since 1942 and houses its factory in an adorable, Edelweiss Chalet. Head inside and browse their delectable selection of quality, handmade chocolates. My recommendation: a box of their mint encores, which will probably not last very long in your house.

- Hannah Pickering

[Yours] Well, they could be.

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How to Wear a Turtleneck...NOT Like Your Mother By: Jana Meister - Enevoldsen JANA STYLE® IG: @Jana_Meister www.janastyleblog.com

It’s True! The turtleneck has made a major comeback for the F/W ‘18 season. This time around, it’s all about creating serious style while layering up. Turtlenecks have a bad reputation for snug fitting, high collared, kind-of annoying to wear, and what use to be somewhat of a 90’s Mom vibe...but this season’s styles are proving that these turtleneck pieces are anything but basic, they’re not your Mom’s version, that’s for sure!

The great thing about this trend is that turtlenecks come in so many colors and fabric variations. You are sure to find at least one style that fits your personal vibe and easily matches with pieces in your existing wardrobe. Over-sized and longer styles have been a dominant sweater trend over the last several seasons and it’s not going away anytime soon. These sweaters pair well with leggings, jeggings, and bootcut styles which most of us girls have in our wardrobes already.

This fall wardrobe “must-have” is all about creating drama in your outfits with pops of texture and volume or layering the more slimmer-fit versions with cardigans, jackets, and vests for classic chic style! These pieces could not be more perfect for fall and winter. Think football games, bonfires, pumpkin picking, and early chilly mornings! The turtleneck styles are comfy and will stay close to your neck when the weather starts to turn frigid, making them every girl’s cold weather go-to!

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Holiday Outfits For the people who dress up for the holidays.

For the people who say, “Fuck that.”

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Holiday Decor Repurpose your fireplace

Creative ways to decorate your pumpkins

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Be who you needed when you were younger.

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