Modern Family Act One Script

“LOST AT SEA” MODERN FAMILY SPEC SCRIPT Written By Thomas Howe

ACT ONE INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY Cameron hands Claire a piece of paper. Mitchell enters, rolling in luggage to add to a large pile. Both Cameron and Mitchell are dressed in floral shirts and shorts. Lily sits on the couch, arms crossed.

MITCHELL I think that’s everything. The service called. The car should be here in twenty minutes.

CAMERON Did you remember your allergy medication?

Yes.

MITCHELL CAMERON And did you pack your thong?

MITCHELL (looking at Claire) A, I don’t own a thong, and B -(aside to Cameron) We lost it in Australia, remember?

CAMERON (to Claire) Okay! Lily has ballet on Tuesday, judo on Wednesday, and a play date with the Andersons on Thursday.

CLAIRE And therapy on Friday?

MITCHELL Ha ha, very funny. And please don’t let her watch any Madonna videos, even if she asks.

LILY Who does she think she’s fooling?

CAMERON (hand on heart) They grow up so fast, don’t they?

MITCHELL Yeah. At this rate, she’ll be judging drag queen competitions by the time she’s twelve.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW - INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY CLAIRE Cam and Mitch are going out of town, so I volunteered to watch Lily at their house. I told everyone it would be easier to stay there, but honestly -ALEX (O.S.) That’s mine! Give it back!

HALEY (O.S.) You can’t even fit in that! Ugh! A door SLAMS off-screen.

CLAIRE I think I just need a little break from my house.

FLASHBACK - INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Phil, Alex, Luke, and Haley are making breakfast. The kitchen is a wreck. Claire enters in her robe, yawning.

CLAIRE What’s going -Luke sees her enter and freezes, as if caught.

LUKE Happy Mother’s Day! Alex holds up a platter burnt pancakes. Haley offers her a glass of something that looks like milk, but is a strange color.

ALEX Happy Mother’s Day! HALEY Happy Mother’s Day! Phil puts out a fire on the stove. He drops the pan’s lid on the floor.

PHIL (sucking on his thumb) Happy... Mother’s Day. The smoke alarm goes off.

CLAIRE (glancing at camera) Somehow I doubt it.

END FLASHBACK MITCH & CAM INTERVIEW - INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX LIVING ROOM - DAY MITCHELL So, my work gave us a cruise as a wedding present.

CAMERON (raising his hands) Yay! I’ve been on six cruises, all gay. So much fun. The last one I was on was years ago. I was voted “Honorary Cruise Director” for being the most festive without nudity.

MITCHELL Anyway, I was going to refuse such a lavish gift, but -CAMERON -- I wouldn’t let him. (to Cameron) You work too hard.

MITCHELL (apprehensive) Yeah, well, I’m just a little nervous. This is my first cruise, and every other time I’ve been on a boat, things don’t go so well.

FLASHBACK - EXT. DEEP-SEA FISHING BOAT - OCEAN - DAY Jay is in a fishing chair, fighting to reel in a large trophy fish.

JAY Whoa! Hey Mitch, come take a look at this bad boy!

Cameron is leaning over the boat’s rail, green. He flashes a “thumbs up” at Jay, then leans further to heave over the side.

END FLASHBACK EXT. CRUISE SHIP PORT - DAY Cameron and Mitchell are standing in line, waiting to board the ship.

MITCHELL You think Lily’s okay? She seemed a little upset about us leaving.

Maybe we should -CAMERON Lily’s fine. Claire’s a good... she’ll be fine. (beat) I’ve never been on a cruise that didn’t have a section for bears.

Are straight cruises as fun as real ones?

MITCHELL It’s a cruise ship, Cam, not a Soviet submarine.

CAMERON Oh, you’re going to have such a good time! The last time I sailed, there was a rumor Elton John was on board -MITCHELL (turning to Cameron) Wait. I think I’ve heard this one before. Didn’t it turn out to be a plastic surgeon from Hoboken with a bad toupée?

CAMERON Yeah. It was uncanny, really.

Anyway, the point is, there’s always a surprise awaiting when you’re at sea.

MITCHELL That’s what scares me.

Mitchell and Cameron reach the crew member at the head of the line checking boarding passes.

MITCHELL (CONT’D) (to crew member) There aren’t any fishing excursions on this trip, right?

Cameron pushes Mitchell forward.

CAMERON (to Mitchell) Oh, come on, you.

INT. PICK-UP TRUCK - DAY Jay is at the wheel. Manny enters the truck, slamming the door.

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - CONTINUOUS Three boys stand in front of the school. One mimes a “big steering wheel” gesture and another hunches over, pretending to walk with a cane. They all laugh.

INT/EXT. PICK-UP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS Jay looks out from the twenty year old pickup truck. The heap looks like something Redd Foxx would drive. “CLOSETS! CLOSETS! CLOSETS!” is plastered on the side.

JAY Aren’t those your little friends there? What are they laughing about?

INT. PICK-UP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS MANNY Nothing. Ignore them. (beat) Where’s your car? And what’s that smell?

JAY Uh, car’s in the shop. I’m borrowing a work truck today.

What’s wrong?

MANNY Never mind. Let’s go home.

JAY I don’t see what’s so funny. This vehicle is a perfectly reliable -MANNY Just drive!

EXT. CRUISE SHIP DECK - DAY Festive calypso music is heard on a crowded main deck.

Mitchell is sitting uncomfortably on the end of a deck chair, a frozen drink in his hand. Cameron is in a conga line filled with older people. He steps out and approaches Mitchell.

CAMERON Whew! Who knew this could be just as much fun without glow sticks and go-go boys? Come on, sad sack!

Come join the “bon voyage” party!

MITCHELL I have all the fun I need right here, thanks.

CAMERON (pleading) Come on, Mitchell. This high seas adventure is for you, too. At least try to enjoy it.

MITCHELL I’m just a little worried that I’m going to, you know...

Mitchell sticks out his tongue. Then: MITCHELL (CONT’D) Just let me get my sea legs, and I’ll be -Cameron sees something in the distance.

CAMERON Ooh, hold that thought. Are those chicken kabobs?

Cameron exits. Mitchell sucks up the last of the drink with a frown. An older woman in the conga line grabs his hand and pulls on his arm.

MITCHELL No thanks, really, I’m just going to -Mitchell is dragged into the line and joins in, a weak smile on his face.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY DAY Lily is sitting on the couch, frowning in front of the television. Claire enters.

CLAIRE Well, I have to say, your dads thought of everything. But I think the printed labels on all the food in the refrigerator is a bit much.

Then, to Lily: CLAIRE (CONT’D) So, Lily, what do you want to do for fun?

LILY Go on a cruise!

Claire kneels down in front of Lily.

CLAIRE Honey, that was for your dads. I’m sure we can find something fun to do around here. Do you want to play a game?

LILY No! I want to go on a cruise!

Lily runs out of the room.

CLAIRE (sighing) Me too.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW - INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - DAY CLAIRE (CONT’D) I thought staying over here would give me a little peace and quiet.

LILY (O.S.) I wanna go on a cruise!

A door SLAMS off-screen.

CLAIRE I may have miscalculated.

Claire smiles weakly, then covers her mouth to hide her frustration.

END OF ACT ONE