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THE PRINCETON TIGER
244 Nassau Street, Princeton, NJ 08542.
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June, 2017 Vol. CXXXV, No. 3 u n d e r g r a d u at e b o a r d
chairman editor-in-chief managing editor editors staff writers
Ana DeJesus ‘18 Alex De La Garza ‘18 Charlie Spira ‘18 Jordan Salama ‘19 Lauren Howard ‘19 Mark Abate ‘19 Ben Clarke ‘20 Kevin Zou ‘20 Maia Hamin ‘20 Will Kaplan ‘19 Shanon FitzGerald ‘20 Arianah Hanke ‘20 Risa Gelles-Watnick ‘21 Abby Clark ‘21 Ameya Hadap ’21 Max McDougan ‘21 Nathaniel Perlmeter ’21 Tyler Ashman ‘21 Tiger Gao ‘21 Jackson Danger Blitz ‘21 Carson Gutierrez ‘21
design
art director design editor staff artists design staff
Kyra Gregory ‘19 Marti Hale ‘19 Casandra Monroe ‘18 Leah O’Rourke ‘18 Tashi Treadway ‘19 Charlotte Adamo ‘21 Malika Oak ‘20
b u s i n e s s a n d a d m i n i s t r at i o n
business manager assistant business manager conference director web warlock social chairs
Taylor Jones ‘18 Shanon FitzGerald ‘20 Amelia Stucke ‘20 Jamison Mercurio ‘20 Kevin Romero ‘18 Maddie Pollack ‘19
Cover by Kyra Gregory ‘19 Copy editing by Ana DeJesus ‘19 g r a d u at e b o a r d
co-presidents vice-president treasurer secretary advisory cartoonist
Keith Blanchard ’88 Charles Coxe ’97 Ed Strauss ’72 Jose Pincay-Delgado ’77 Mark Daniels ’06 Michael C. Witte ’66
Sean Cunningham ’98, Chip Deffaa ’73, Mark Dowden ’84, John Farr ’81, Ed Finn ’02, Tom Gibson ’77, Jim Kirchman ’88, Clint Kakstys ’00, Rob Kutner ’94, Jim Lee ’86, Steve Liss ’10, Stephen Moeller ’99, Bryan Walsh ’01, Bret Watson ’82 legal mumbo jumbo
The Princeton Tiger (ISSN 0032-8421) is published 4 times per year by The Princeton Tiger, Inc. 48 University Place, Suite 402, Princeton, NJ 08544. Phone: (609) 785-1349. Email: tigermag@princeton.edu. URL: www. tigermag.com. U.S. subscription: $20 for 4 issues, $35 for 8, $45 for 12.
A message from the chairwoman
W
hen I first joined Tiger Mag, I was one of very few women in the organization and often the only one at meetings. Week after week, I wore down the all-male senior members of the organization with my feminine wiles and disarming beauty. “Fake it ‘til you make it” became my morning mantra. I acted like I was their friend until suddenly I had made it into the inner circle. It took time to hone my comedy skills and gain their trust, but, thankfully, I had a lot more energy and ambition freshman year. From there, I easily rose through the ranks. I have had the honor of serving as Chairman for two years minus the months I studied abroad and our Editor-in-Chief took over. But after telling him that planning a national intercollegiate humor conference by himself and giving Dean Dunne a weekly foot massage is all part of the job, my evil plan worked and he tossed the position back to me like a hot potato. A woman in charge once again! Now, I’m sitting in a room full of women (and one cardboard cutout of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the only boy allowed) making an issue about women in what may be the greatest moment of my time here. I feel like the proudest and most demanding mom in the PTA. And like almost every mother in the world, I am TIRED and ready to hand off my kids to someone else. Mama needs a glass of wine and a break to get her thesis advisor situation sorted out. This is The Princeton Tiger for Her. It’s satire for women (and men) made by women (and men) and inspired by women (in all shapes and forms). We received more submissions for the women’s issue than any issue I’ve worked on. Within these pages, you’ll find amazing content on Disney princesses, feminist appliances, and dogs that are so inexplicably beautiful they make you feel bad about yourself. And here is a list
of things you will not find an article about because more paper costs more money: emotional labor, the pink tax, wearing your boyfriend’s shirts, manic pixie dream girls, maternity leave, vibrators and sexist thermostats. The last one is especially important to me because I have yet to work in an office where I am not freezing cold all summer and I am sick of it. I want to directly thank all the women of Tiger Mag who worked to make this issue because women in comedy don’t get enough attention. These are some of the funniest people I know and their sheer presence makes the 100 degree stress fever I got from this issue worth it. It’s good to know I’m leaving this organization in very capable, very small hands. I don’t think we’ll ever have a meeting with only one woman in the room again. My job is done.
Sincerely,
THE PRINCETON TIGER
Ana DeJesus ‘18 Chairwoman
December 2017
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6 Dogs That Make Me Feel Self Conscious About My Body We can all be self-critical about our bodies from time to time. In a world of Photoshop, sexy underwear adverts and svelte, longlimbed Italian greyhounds, it’s hard to accept the parts of you that don’t look perfect. Though I try to stay positive about my own image, I must admit that my mission of self-love has been thwarted over and over by extremely beautiful dogs. It seems that every time I get close to learning to embrace my body, I see one of these six gorgeous canines and my confidence is shattered yet again. 1. Georgie the Dalmatian Not only do Georgie’s doleful, kohllined eyes cut straight to the soul, but his slim runway neck gives him an elegant, ageless look. Unlike me, with my fat turkey neck and heroin addict eyes, Georgie looks like a Roman god who just woke up from a refreshing nap. He’s also arrogant as fuck. 2. Trembles the Borzoi Trembles has slender, shapely legs that go on for miles—legs that my disgusting garbage limbs will never be able to compete with. Forget swimsuit commercials, Trembles makes me feel bad about myself by merely prancing lithely down the street on his daily walks, his luscious locks flowing in the breeze. 3. Sasha the Malamute Sasha has more muscle than Hugh Jackman, and she flaunts when she knows I’m watching. How many times do I have to look out my window only to see her
massive, chiseled body barreling after a squirrel in an obvious act of malice targeting my deep-seated body insecurities? I’ll never be as fit as her, or have that same beautiful bulk. 4. Daisy the Doberman Pinscher I would kill to have Daisy’s bone structure. Her cheekbones are sharp enough to slice bread, which makes my already round, chubby face look even more like a chipmunk having an allergic reaction. Daisy gets to wake up everyday with an angular, slender face and a perfect contour, while I have to try and live my life with a huge and unsightly sphere head. 5. Biscuits the Corgi Biscuits has the kind of curves that could seduce both man and beast alike. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve been trying to achieve that hourglass shape for years with no luck, I’d be swooning right alongside everyone else. Instead, I just break down into self-loathing tears every time I see him and his voluptuous bod. 6. Jenna the Husky from Balto, the Classic Family Film I’m sorry, but Jenna from the 1995 movie Balto is just plain hot. There’s really no way to put this other than explicitly coming to terms with the fact that this animated dog is a goddamn temptress. Just look at her and that sexy, sultry pose and fashion model physique—there’s no way my body confidence can recover knowing this insanely hot dog is out there.
LAUREN HOWARD ‘19
Scientists Successfully Synthesize First Ever Particle of Platonic Male-Female Friendship In what is being hailed as a victory for theoretical physicists and social psychologists alike, researchers at the Institute for Advanced Study have successfully synthesized a particle capable of sustaining an entirely nonsexual relationship between a man and a woman. The subatomic particle is believed to be the building block of the previously theorized “friendship” between an eligible man and woman --- a hypothetical relationship described as free from sexual tension, romantic intrigue, and longrunning will-they-or-won’t-they plot arcs. Though conventional wisdom has long
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doubted the feasibility of the so-called “platonic particle,” the possibility of its existence had previously been posited by gender theorists who argued that its actuality is required to explain the puzzling phenomenon of apparent friendliness between some gay men and lesbian women. Yesterday’s announcement provoked widespread controversy with many classical sexual theorists arguing that the findings could be explained by a measurement error that caused the researchers to mislabel a simple brother-sister particle. Unfortunately, this debate will prove
difficult to resolve, as the highly unstable particle degraded nearly instantly under the enormous pressures of sexual attraction into a particle of unrequited love doomed to collapse. In the future, scientists hope to create a more stable isotope, though it is possible that the laws governing the forces of quantum sexuality simply do not allow the creation of a stable, long-term particle of male-female friendship. Still, scientists hope that the measurements obtained from the instant in which the platonic particle existed might finally unlock the secrets of quantum sexual theory. MAIA HAMIN ‘20
A Step Forward: Disney Has Introduced Its First Pro-Choice Princess ical Pro-Life Pri typ nc o e es er se St
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Good luck Disney
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Cordelia
As you probably know, Disney hasn’t always been the best when it comes to representing minorities. Most of the classic Disney Princesses are white, and the ones that aren’t appear in films that traffic in racial stereotypes. That said, in recent years, Disney has taken major steps forward with princesses like Tiana and Moana who come from historically underrepresented backgrounds. And just this week, Disney made up for its past mistakes yet again when it introduced fans to Cordelia, the first ever pro-choice Disney princess. Way to go, Disney! After nearly a century of princesses like Snow White and Mulan who vocally opposed abortion throughout their respective films, this feels long overdue. For years, viewers have tacitly accepted scenes like the one in
which Belle scolds a peasant woman who considers aborting her unwanted baby, or the one where a family of mice helps Cinderella protest outside a Planned Parenthood. But in 2017? Not a chance. That’s why Disney’s announcement that Cordelia will unwaveringly defend a woman’s right to choose is such a big deal. Sure, there’s been some progress in the years since Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Jasmine at least supported abortions in cases involving rape or threatening the life of the mother, as did two of the more recent princesses, Rapunzel and Elsa. In fact, many viewers thought Disney had come to terms with abortion once and for all when, roughly two-thirds of the way through The Little Mermaid, Ariel performed a late-term abortion on a basking shark. However, it is now widely
agreed that whatever progress this scene represented was negated in the postcredits scene in which Ariel confesses her actions to a priest, who tells her that the only way she can atone for her sins is by killing the shark and mailing its carcass to the Heritage Foundation. Not until now has there been a Disney princess unafraid to champion women’s causes in all cases. Cordelia comes out July 2018, and anticipation is high. Until then, all we can do is wait patiently and be happy that Disney has finally pulled itself into the 21st century. That said, perhaps we shouldn’t get too excited, as Cordelia’s best friend, a talking snow leopard named Eleanor, is rumored to be the first Disney sidekick in years to have supported the Vietnam War. MAX FELDMAN ‘19
Probability Theorists Baffled By Odds Of 57 Women Falsely Accusing Harvey Weinstein of Sexual Misconduct As the accusers of Harvey Weinstein tell their stories, statisticians and mathematicians alike are in awe of the sheer improbability that 57 different women made separate, false allegations against the Hollywood film producer. In consultation with psychological models of human behavior, probability theorists have determined that there is a 1.37% chance for an individual woman to
falsely accuse Harvey Weinstein of sexual misconduct. Assuming relative independence between women, the probability that all 57 “victims” lied about Weinstein is less than 1 in 10^100. The fact that this astronomically improbable event has actually occurred has confounded the scientific community, and made the erroneous accusations from these actresses all the more astounding.
According to Princeton statistician Anita Rivers, “What a statistical miracle! It’s more likely that lightning would strike you during your wedding to Oprah Winfrey than it would be for 57 women to independently lie about the same thing.” Probability theorists are already at work revising the basic laws of probability to account for this anomaly. JACKSON DANGER BLITZ ‘21
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A Victory for Feminism: The Nations of the World Have Decided to Refight World War I, But Just for Women this Time In a huge step for gender equality, representatives from all the nations that participated in World War I have decided to fight the exact same war again, but with only female soldiers. Following a conference in Geneva, the delegations of Britain, Germany, France, Belgium, Russia, The United States and the twenty-six other countries that took part in The Great War mutually affirmed their intention to redo every military engagement from the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand to the Armistice of 1918 using authentic period weaponry, live ammunition, and exclusively female combatants. According to Jakob Hofer of the AustroHungarian delegation, “Over nine million male soldiers died in World War I. We now realize that society will never be truly equal until an equivalent number of women are also killed in similarly pointless bloodshed.” Said James Fleming, the leader of the British delegation, “For years, women have wanted to fight in World War I, and
at long last their voices have been heard. With this new war, women will finally get the chance to be starved, shot, stabbed, blown up, gassed, and killed in all manner of ways, just like their great-grandfathers did.” Reportedly, women will be given the opportunity to experience the unrelenting and essentially meaningless slaughter of Verdun, Yipres, the Somme, and other battles as expendable foot soldiers of mighty
European empires. Some women will also get the chance to succumb to shell shock, lose toes to trenchfoot, and be executed by superiors for desertion. Around the world, hundreds of thousands of women are already being pressed into military service. According to confidential sources, officials have also begun drawing up plans to recreate The Crimean War with only gay men. ALEX DE LA GARZA ‘18
Challenging Gender Norms: This Man’s Homepage is the Women’s Section of Zappos.com
In today’s patriarchal society, restrictive gender norms stifle and oppress those who dare to be different. Women, men and gender nonconforming persons are ostracized or discriminated against on a daily basis
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just for expressing what they feel inside. That’s why it’s so inspiring to hear about Chuck Landis, who recently set his Firefox homepage to the women’s section of zappos.com. Somewhere, every day, a young boy is prohibited from playing with dolls; a woman is told her female brain can’t comprehend the mathematics necessary to be a physicist; and a man is told his web browser’s homepage should be something normal like Google or Yahoo, but that if it’s going to be a shoe company’s website, it should at least be their men’s section. But for Chuck, enough was enough. For far too long have dangerous gender norms constrained the behavior and self-expression of us all. After all, science has shown
us that gender is socially constructed, and is distinct from sex. Just because Chuck has a penis doesn’t mean that he can’t look at affordably priced women’s footwear every time he opens a Firefox window. In a show of bravado and flair, Chuck subverted society’s expectations of gender by flouting conventions and accepting himself for who he was. “Ah shit, how do I fix this?” Chuck told the Tiger. Chuck, your courageous decision is a decisive symbolic victory for those committed to the demise of harmful gender norms everywhere. Knowing fully well the social consequences of your action, you nevertheless boldly expressed your truth. Keep on inspiring!
CHARLIE SPIRA ‘18 MAX FELDMAN ‘19
Who is Your Hollywood Husband?
Hey girls! Are you SICK and tired of boys at school acting stupid? Does your romantic life stink? It’s time you found yourself a REAL red carpet-worthy man! Take this personality quiz to find your star-studded soulmate!
1 You don’t have a date to prom!!! WHAT!!! What do you do? a Calm down. There’s still time. It’ll all work out. b c
3 Two of your best friends have a big argument, how do you fix the situation? a Take Becky’s side. She might be a b*tch but she has SERIOUS
Tell Dicky that Sarah told you that he’s a douche. It’s mean but he’ll definitely choose you next! Go with your girlfriends, it’ll be a better night than worrying about boys!
d Invite Billy! He’s beautiful and sweet like warm molasses.
2 You have a free night. How do you spend it? a Invite Brad to your house while the fam is out
Treat yourself! Grab some bath bombs and face masks.
b Tonight’s all about you!
c Spend some time with your parents! They miss your company! Invite the girls over, snuggle up and watch 2005 indie com-
d edy The Squid and the Whale, starring Billy Baldwin. Mostly A: Alec Baldwin! You’re cool under pressure but you know just when to go a little wild! You’re perfect for Alec Baldwin, a suave customer who can show you a good time. You would be so happy together, although his younger, hotter brother Billy Baldwin would probably treat you nice, too.
Mostly B: Daniel Baldwin! You know that you and you only come first! Therefore, there’s really only one celebrity who can truly match your vision for life. Daniel is similarly free-spirited and, as a result of his recurrent criminal convictions, will give you the space you need to just be you! Don’t think too much about how you could’ve had Billy.
social capital.
b Step away from the drama. It’ll only drag you down.
Get everyone together to sit down and discuss the problem.
c Talking is the best remedy!
d Call up Billy Baldwin and ask for his advice. 4 You’re out shopping for clothes. What do you splash your cash on? a Save it for a big night out with friends! b A nice, cute black dress c Shoes!!!
d Billy Baldwin Mostly C: Stephen Baldwin! Wholesome family man Stephen Baldwin is the Hollywood hunk who’s ready and waiting for you to fill his arms! Of all the men out there, other than the chiseled Roman god that is Billy Baldwin, he’s the guy who can show you the path to relative stardom!
Mostly D: Billy Baldwin! This guy is Billy Baldwin and he’s all yours!
BEN CLARKE ‘20 ILLUSTRATED BY ARIANAH HANKE ‘20
Stop by for a taste of the Organic Garden State! For 47 years, Whole Earth has been a gathering place for environmental activists, organic farmers, and lovers of fresh, whole, unprocessed foods. Join us in celebrating the bounty of the Organic Garden State! BIKING DISCOUNT: GET $1 OFF PURCHASE OF $15 OR MORE WHEN YOU RIDE YOUR BIKE TO SHOP AT WHOLE EARTH NATURAL FOODS GROCERY, ORGANIC PRODUCE, VEGETARIAN DELI & WHOLE-GRAIN BAKERY 360 NASSAU ST. (NEAR HARRISON) • PRINCETON M-F 8AM - 9PM • SAT 8AM -8PM • SUN 9AM-7PM
THE PRINCETON TIGER
LOCALLY OWNED • INDEPENDENT • SINCE 1970
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sexy CEO of a fortune 500 company threesome that passes the bechdel test empowered in the butt equal representation gangbang average size breasts blowjob but on a woman? sexy planned parenthood nurse not teen nature not mature but not teen age appropriate man and MILF
self-identifying dirty fucksluts susan b. anthony / elizabeth cady stanton roleplay scene busty blonde fucks the patriarchy hardcore sex positivity sexy first female president girl on top woman on top womyn on top amateur lesbian sex followed by amateur lesbian marriage hentai MAIA HAMIN ‘20
Five Household Appliances with a Surprising Feminist History Have you ever wondered what parts of your everyday life might have had a secret role in the history of the women’s movement? Do you want to topple the patriarchy from the comfort of your own home? Lucky for you, we’ve put together a list of household appliances that played a pivotal role in advancing gender equality. Washing Machine In the late 1800s, there was a group of feminists called the Suffragettes who decided to support women’s rights before it was cool. One of them, Susan B. Anthony, was apparently much more forward thinking than history originally thought. When she was just a teenager, she was walking into a laundromat when suddenly, a man jumped out of nowhere and tried to mug her! Using her quick wits and feminine intelligence, she reached into his pants, grabbed his penis, and jammed it in the nearest washing machine. Feminism FTW! Stove A couple years later, Susan B. Anthony was in the teacher’s lounge of the Canajoharie Academy, a Quaker school where she was a big-time teaching star. Everybody loved her, especially this dude named
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Jedidiah. Jedidiah walked into the room, and planned to shoot his shot—but Ms. Anthony wasn’t having it! Before he could say a word, she whipped out his wang and stuck it in the brand-new gas stove. Wow. What an inspiring woman. Vacuum Cleaner As the feminist movement began to pick up steam, Suzy B. started to become more and more confident in her feminist philosophy. She became so confident, in fact, that when a man told her “Woman belong in the
kitchen, not the voting booth!”, she stuck his ding-dong in a vacuum cleaner. Ouch! That oughta hurt! Toaster Unfortunately, our dear Susan would not stay young forever. Though her body was getting older, her cock blocking abilities stayed as sharp as ever. They were so sharp, in fact, that when one man merely thought about catcalling her, he looked down and realized that Susan had already stuffed his schlong into her brand-new toaster! Electrical Outlet On her deathbed, Ms. Anthony’s health was failing. As the family priest came to her side to hear her final confession, she gestured to him, asking him to lean in closer. The priest leaned in, breathless at the opportunity to hear the revolutionary feminist’s final words. Suddenly he began to convulse and scream in agony. Somehow, someway, Susan had managed to jam his penis in the nearest electrical outlet. What an inspiring ending to Susan B. Anthony’s tremendous legacy! TYLER ASHMAN ‘21 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19
A Win for Compromise: Instead of Performing Abortions, Scientists Have Begun Freezing the Babies and Storing Them for Later In what is being hailed as a truly groundbreaking solution to one of the most divisive issues of our time, a group of researchers at Princeton University has pooled their collective brainpower and put the contentious abortion debate to rest by cryogenically freezing unwanted babies and storing them in massive freezers for long periods of time. Advocates from both sides of this historically intractable issue have been effusive with their praise for the researchers. “Who would’ve thought that all the prochoice faction needed was an enormous number of industrial-sized freezers in a rented-out airplane hangar?” said Vanessa Stanton of Planned Parenthood. “I commend the team for their diligence, their perseverance and their willingness to think way, way, way, way outside the box.” “Finally, the sanctity of life is preserved…at 0 degrees, in these cute little customizable metal containers!” said Edith LeVitre of
National Right to Life. “I am elated that this debate has been put to rest, and I applaud the desire for compromise by literally any means necessary.” In an official statement about her team’s breakthroughs, Professor Deanna Wyckoffe said, “All you fuckers were so busy arguing that you couldn’t see that the answer was right in front of your noses the whole goddamn time. So what did we do? We built some big-ass freezers, started making baby popsicles, and just fuckin’ stashed them in there until anyone cared to come get them out. You’re all goddamn welcome, and I will accept my Nobel Prize by mail.” Experts believe this team’s technology could have wide-ranging domestic policy implications. Research has already begun on applying advanced refrigeration techniques to the raging debate on illegal immigration. AMEYA HADAP ‘21 ILLUSTRATED BY CHARLOTTE ADAMO ‘21
I’m All for Breaking Through the Glass Ceiling, But Are We Ready for What Lies Ahead? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist through and through. I avidly support the empowerment of women, however, I’m a bit concerned about this whole breaking the glass ceiling thing. Why isn’t anyone talking about the nearly insurmountable perils that lie beyond this unofficially acknowledged barrier? Regardless of my commitment to women’s liberation, I definitely do not feel ready to contend with the thousands of spiders riding on the backs of the hornets of the patriarchy that will be released in a hellish swarm upon our society if we, in our progressive hubris, break the glass ceiling which currently serves as a barrier
between us and that heinous airborne nightmare. But it doesn’t stop there. If, in our pursuit of unequivocal equality, we somehow triumph over the hornets and their spider jockeys, we will then have a whole other problem on our hands: two hyper-masculine dragons. Now, I know what you’re thinking. After overcoming thousands of spiders and hornets, I think I can handle two dragons? But be warned! These dragons are ten times the size of the average male ego and breathe fire that is harder to extinguish than double standards. The next level is actually just another glass ceiling that’s a little bit thicker. BUT
THEN, the next obstacle is an army of goblins armed with various instruments of suffering. Some of them catcall. Some of them spit venom. Some of them hit your ankles with scooters. What will our progressive feminist ideals do to protect us against an imp wielding two scooters as weapons while wolf-whistling? Let me reiterate. I think shattering through the glass ceiling is a noble pursuit, but maybe let’s think twice before we go fool-heartedly breaking through. Consider yourselves warned. ABBY CLARK ‘21 ILLUSTRATED BY CHARLOTTE ADAMO ‘21
THE PRINCETON TIGER
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Let’s Talk About Sex!
The best protection is education — What do YOU know about sex?
Having sexual urges doesn’t make you a bad person: only disrespecting the flag makes you a bad person. And also having sex. Having sex makes you a bad person.
Parents, take note! Here are some common slang words for sex: “Banging” “Hooking up “Al Gore-ing” “Fishing for trout” “Your first amendment rights“ ‘“Listening to the Devil’s spotify playlist” “Intercourse” “Global warming” “Sending the pigs to slaughter” “Liberal tomfoolery” “Midnight slurpees” “Tapdancing on Ronald Reagan’s grave” Teenagers, before you make a hotheaded decision, remember that sex can feel good, but orgasms feel awful. Regardless of the number of your previous sexual encounters, you are a virgin until you have sex with Mark Wahlberg.
STD’s can be transmitted by kissing, through bodily fluids, or in a FedEx express package sent from your local STD goblins.
Consent is key! Just remember the acronym C.O.N.S.E.N.T.: Can’t have sex with her until she consents! Only if she consents! No sex until you get consent! Sometimes you don’t want to ask for consent but you should definitely ask for consent!! Earth is a planet where it’s illegal to not get consent! Nipples are only to be touched with consent! Tom is in prison now because he didn’t ask for consent!
Remember that there’s always Plan B! If the condom breaks, you can just send your bastard child to the circus. It’s a myth that most teenagers are sexually active. Actually, all teens are having sex, constantly. There is not a single teen who at this moment is not actively engaged in sex. Girls, did you know? There’s actually a smaller, secret vagina hidden inside your main vagina. When a man and a woman love each other very much, I am merely reminded of how lonely I am. Fun fact! The only 100% effective form of birth control is killing yourself. Q: Is sex good? A: No. LAUREN HOWARD ‘19 KEVIN ZOU ‘20 THE PRINCETON TIGER
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New Barbie Dolls for the Holiday Season Throughout her illustrious history, Barbie has held a wide variety of professions. However, she still has not reached the full scope of her potential, and we at Mattel are excited to announce a few brand new Barbie dolls, in stores soon for the holidays.
Sewage Worker Barbie
Barbie has broken the glass ceiling time and time again with Executive Barbie, Computer Engineer Barbie, and President Barbie (sorry Hillary, the first woman President was already available for purchase in 2000). But there are many other male-dominated fields that we want to inspire little girls to join, and so we created Sewage Worker Barbie. She’ll be working day in and day out cleaning and maintaining the waste removal system of Barbie City, and looking fabulous while she does it. Her hair is made of real hair and the fecal matter covering her clothes and body is made out of real fecal matter, for the ultimate sensory experience. She also comes with the classic sewage worker accessory, a sewer alligator for her to wrestle, kill and skin. If you open up the compartment on its stomach, you’ll find an alligator skin handbag, so Barbie can carry all her tools to keep the sewers in tiptop shape. She’s an everyday hero!
Understudy Barbie
The glitz, glamor and respectability of a stage actor is a big draw for many young girls, and there’s no time like the present to introduce them to some of the steps they’ll have to take to make it on stage. Meet Understudy Barbie, who was just talented enough to get hired but not talented enough to actually get the part. Understudy Barbie comes equipped with a memorized script and big dreams, but will probably never get the chance to achieve them. This Barbie will most likely not see the light of fame or have the adoration of the audience directed at her. She comes with all the makeup she needs for the stage, as well as the harsh reality of the fact that if she is actually seen, then something must have gone wrong. If she’s lucky, maybe a talent scout will happen to be in the audience when she happens to be on stage, or perhaps when the real actor is tired of the role she can step in, only to be unfairly compared to her predecessor. Agent not included.
Drug Mule Barbie Be careful taking this one with you on planes! Drug mule Barbie is the first in what will hopefully be a long tradition of Barbie dolls with fully functioning digestive tracts. Our top engineers have been working hard to make sure that once Barbie swallows that capsule of heroin (which our lawyers have advised us to clarify is actually just made out of cocaine), it passes through her digestive tract just like an authentic drug mule. We’ve even included recorded voice lines, like faint groaning, “Just one more time, then I can see my family again,” and “I don’t feel so good…” But uh oh! Be careful the capsule doesn’t break in her stomach, or Barbie might get a little tummy ache and die. And if any of those capsules are lost, the accompanying toy Drug Smuggler Ken will not be happy. Relationships, am I right? WILL KAPLAN ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19 12
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CLASSICS COURSES SPRING 2018
Courses of Interest for Spring 2018 ENE 202 Designing Sustainable Systems
Prof. Forrest Meggers, T,TH 10-10:50am
Integrating the process of design and system thinking with an understanding of fundamental environmental and societal principals of sustainability is necessary to enact sustainable societal changes. This course starts with a study of the science related to sustainability and how open-ended sustainable development problems can be addressed through a process of design, and leads to a major group design project focused on devising and demonstrating an opportunity for sustainability on campus. Fabrication, simulation, sensor and graphical tools will be incorporated into the design process learning and deployed in precept.
ENE 308 Engineering the Climate: Technical & Policy Challenges
Prof. Egemen Kolemen, M,W 3-4:30pm
CLA214 The Other Side of Rome Andrew Feldherr - MW 1:30-2:20 CLA217 The Greek World in the Hellenistic Age Nino Luraghi - TTh 10:00-10:50 CLA225 Bondage and Slaving in Global History Dan-el Padilla Peralta - TTh 1:30-2:20 CLA231 The Birth of Biomedicine: Bodies, Physicians, and Patients in Classical Antiquity Brooke Holmes - TTh 1:30-2:20
This seminar focuses on the science, engineering, policy and ethics of climate engineering -- the deliberate human intervention in the world climate in order to reduce global warming. Climate/ocean models and control theory are introduced. The technology, economics, and climate response for the most favorable climate engineering methods (carbon dioxide removal, solar radiation management) are reviewed. Policy and ethics challenges are discussed.
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CLA326 Topics in Ancient History: Ancient Visions: Sight, Sense, and Wonder in Greek and Roman Cultures Ava Shirazi - MW 1:30-2:50 CLA221 Performing in the Ancient World Hanna Golab - MW 3:00-4:20 CLG103 Ancient Greek: An Intensive Introduction Melissa Haynes - MTWThF 9:00-9:50 LAT103 Latin: An Intensive Introduction Robert Kaster - MTWThF 9:00-9:50
THE PRINCETON TIGER
December 2017
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Riddle Me This, Feminists: What Walks on Four Legs in the Morning, Two Legs in the Afternoon, and areThree Legs at Night? unable to identify that thing which has taken seriously, you’d better be prepared to As you know, America’s men are under attack these days by the constant barrage of anti-male propaganda known as feminism. Though these misandrists think that they have an answer for everything, there is one question that has so far stumped every feminist I’ve come across: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night? Yes, feminazis, at long last the simple irrationality of your heinous movement will be unmasked. If it really is true that American women make only 77¢ for every dollar earned by a man, then what mysterious creature that is quadrupedal before lunch can suddenly walk upright afterwards? You claim that we live in a patriarchal society that pressures women into specific roles, you say that opportunity of employment and share of child-bearing responsibilities must be egalitarian across gender lines, but the weakness of your logic becomes abundantly clear when you
different numbers of legs at different times of day. When you start thinking about it, examples of the total lack of internal reason to the feminist platform are everywhere. If paid maternity leave is so necessary, then how about you put your money where your mouth is and tell us what gets wetter and wetter the more it dries? I simply cannot agree that women, as you claim, deserve easy access to contraception and abortions, without a good explanation for how a man can ride into town on Friday, stay three days, and then leave again on Friday. For all you claim to have rational support for your platform, I doubt that a single member of your movement is prepared to explain what kind of mysterious key opens bananas. Without answers to these simple questions, it’s impossible to believe that society really needs the reforms you demand. I’m just saying, if you want to be
demonstrate how it is possible that two fathers and two sons are out fishing, yet only three men are on the boat. Most damning of all, if it’s really true that the mass media perpetuates unrealistic expectations of female beauty, then if the man I met on my way to St. Ives had seven wives, each of whom had seven sacks, each of which had seven cats, then how many were going to St. Ives? Well, feminists, I’ve said my piece. These simple questions reveal the inherent weakness of your arguments for the necessity of your so-called gender equality movement. Unless you have some magical explanation for the clearly impossible situation of a father rushing his son to the hospital after a bike accident, only for the doctor to say “I cannot operate on this boy --- he is my son!” I will be forced to conclude that there is no truth to any of the phenomena you purport to describe. NATE PERLMETER ‘21
Body Positivity Never Saw My Hideous Toes Coming As a woman, I always felt like I was somehow short of the depictions of women that permeate advertisements and popular media. Because of this, I was thrilled when the body positivity movement caught on. However, I have been thoroughly disappointed to see that the media’s adoption of the body positivity movement has focused on a mere margin of the true diverse scale of women’s bodies, and that true aspects of womanhood remain confined to the shadows: long, hairy, double-jointed toes like mine continue to go underrepresented.
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It’s wonderful to see advertisements on television that show women of all sizes, but I cannot bear the perfectly sculpted toes that continue to be flaunted across shoe ads. Sleek soft feet, no bunions in sight, not a hangnail or an unnaturally bent pinky toe—no justice for my own disgusting feet. Sure, glossed “au natural” nails and bright cherry-red pedicures can be found anywhere, but where are the overgrown, yellowing nails? My toes are beautiful, too, in their own pungent way, and it’s high time the body positivity movement shows
support for people like me. I was certain that when the masses decided to speak up about unrealistic beauty standards for women, I would finally be able to wear open-toed shoes confidently, but I continue to live in fear of ostracism. If true progress is to be made from the body positivity movement, all toes must be celebrated honestly, and until that occurs, my little piggies will continue to cry “wee wee wee” all the way home from the strappy shoe section of Macy’s. ARIANAH HANKE ‘20
I’m Glad that Marvel Is Releasing a New Female Superhero, but I’m Not Sure “Super Wonder Penis Sucking Woman” is the Right Way to Go About It When I first heard that Marvel was adding a new female role to its maledominated superhero lineup, I could not contain my excitement. Finally, I thought, some progress in Hollywood. But when the movie finally came out, I became pretty ambivalent. I mean, I’m glad that Marvel created a new female superhero, but I’m not sure “Super Wonder Penis Sucking Woman” is the right way to go about it.
The premise behind Super Wonder Penis Sucking Woman is simple: Linda is a young woman in disguise as a freelance journalist in New York. When Tony Stark finds out her real identity, he recruits her to join the Avengers. In a meeting with Thor and Captain America, Stark tells them that Linda is so good at sucking penis that the bad guys whose penises she sucks die of pleasure. This is a cool power and all, but it still bothers me a little that Super Wonder Penis Sucking Woman has no role beyond being asked to perform oral sex. In “Super Wonder Penis Sucking Woman: the Last War,” Captain America, Tony Stark and Thor fly around shooting laser beams and throwing lightning hammers. Linda, on the other hand, is vigorously fellating Ultron. Admittedly, the credit for victory goes to Linda: she gets Ultron to
die by sucking his penis so well. Still, it feels strange to watch the most powerful woman in the Marvel Universe do nothing but suck bad people’s penises, even if it is to save humanity. Look, I’m not trying to criticize Marvel. I think it’s wonderful for women to be represented in such a widely celebrated franchise, and I hope we start to see even more women Avengers in the years to come. But I don’t know if a woman whose catchphrase is “oh yes, let me suck more penis please!” is the ideal portrayal. I’m just hoping that the the next Marvel superhero, who’s supposed to be the first Asian American character in the series, turns out to be a little less socially regressive. But something about the title “Fried Rice Man” makes me reluctant to get on board anytime soon. KEVIN ZOU ‘20
In Solidarity with Single Moms, I Killed My Dad
In today’s world, single moms have it rough. They need to balance the responsibility of single-handedly raising children with the long hours of full-time employment. They are truly extraordinary. So, in solidarity with single moms, I killed my dad.
As someone lucky enough to have grown up with both parents, I am unable to fathom the trials and tribulations faced by women raising children by themselves. So I took a musket from my grandfather’s garage, filled it with firework powder and fired it at my dad’s face. I’ve always wanted to empower my mother, making her one of the strong, independent women who could realize her personal ambitions and close the wage gap. So even
though my father desperately begged me to put the musket down, I pulled the trigger without hesitation. It’s about the bigger picture. Cleaning up the exploded brain and the blood stain on our expensive Turkish carpet was strenuous, but I could just feel myself coming closer to understanding the plight of single moms. Single moms, you’ve been ignored; you’ve been suppressed; you’ve had your free time taken away because you had to work three shifts and pick up your children and do the laundry and cook dinner. I’m not saying any of this will change soon, but I, in solidarity, am willing to kill any dad in the world just for you. TIGER GAO ‘21
THE PRINCETON TIGER
December 2017
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I Don’t Support Dowries, But It Would Be Nice To Have An Objective Way Of Choosing Between Rachel and Jessica Before I start, I want to make one thing very clear: I do not support the use of dowries. Handing over a predetermined sum of money to an eligible man so he’ll marry your daughter is wrong. It reinforces the backwards idea that women are property, belonging to their fathers and husbands. It has no place in modern society. That said, a side-by-side dowry comparison would probably be the easiest way to choose between Rachel and Jessica, the two girls I am interested in. My predicament is one I’m sure most people can relate to. About two months ago, I began casually seeing two different people, thinking that over time it would become clear which one I really had a future with. But even after weeks of weighing the pros and cons of dating Rachel or Jessica, I still can’t bring myself to decide. I like them both for such different reasons that it’s impossible for me to make a direct comparison. It would be much easier for me to compare, say, the quantity of money, land, livestock, and other material goods that Rachel and Jessica’s fathers would each be willing to give to the man who weds their daughter, if transactions of this sort were customary. I’m not saying that there should be a widespread resurgence in the use of dowries. That would unequivocally be bad. All I’m say-
ing is that when I’m with Rachel, I really feel like I can be myself. I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone who I instantly clicked with the way I did with her. But with Jessica, it’s like every day’s an adventure. She’s constantly getting me to try new things, and I think I’m a better person because of it. It’s like romance is this confusing mix of emotions that you can’t put a numerical value on. Money, on the other hand, has by its very nature an exact numerical value. If there was some way, dowry or otherwise, for me to associate a specific dollar amount with the emotions I have for these two people, I know that I could make a decision within seconds. Mr. Eckert and Mr. Ramirez, if either of you is reading this, please, if you believe in your daughters, if you believe in love, if you believe that the dowry is a problematic and rightfully outmoded institution from a less-enlightened era but, simultaneously, that giving a dowry could, in this specific situation, help me through a difficult romantic dilemma, then, for god’s sake, pull out your checkbooks. Also, please tell Rachel and Jessica that I have been trying to get in touch with them. Neither has been responding to my texts since I explained to them my complicated views as relates to dowries. MARK ABATE ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY CHARLOTTE ADAMO ‘21
ILLUSTRATED BY KEVIN ROMERO ‘18 & KYRA GREGORY ‘19 16
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Spring 2018 Courses of Interest
ART103 / LAS 215 / ANT 233 (EC) Arts of the Americas: The First 5,000 Years Lecturer Andrew Hamilton, MW 10:00 am -10:50 am You live in the Americas: do you know about the prolific cultures who lived here before the European conquests? Are you curious about art, but wish you had a more handson understanding instead of seeing it behind glass? Do you wonder how a Eurocentric academic discipline might construct knowledge differently if considered from a nonEuropean point of view? Includes visits to the Princeton University Art Museam.
ART215/EAS215 Arts of China (10th Century to the Early 20th Century) Professor Cheng-hua Wang, TTh 2:30 pm - 3:20 pm This course will examine significant artistic developments through the study of paintings, calligraphy, ceramics, prints, architecture, and photography, and will relate them to political and sociocultural transformations in China. Students will gain an understanding of how to analyze Chinese art and its art-historical discourse as well as how to situate the arts within Chinese culture and history. Includes visits to the Princeton University Art Museam.
ART252 (EC): Art as Science/Science as Art Professor Rachael DeLue, TTh 10:00 am - 10:50 am Art and science may appear to have nothing to do with one another, but history suggests otherwise. For centuries, artists and image-makers have incorporated the concepts and claims of scientific inquiry into their practices. Scientists, in turn, have relied on images as both sources of and evidence for scientific knowledge. Includes visits to the Princeton University Art Museam.
ART 289 / CLA 289 Art and Archaeology in Cleopatra’s Multicultural Egypt Lecturer Sanda Heinz, TTh 12:30 pm - 1:20 pm From the time when Alexander the Great conquered Egypt until Cleopatra’s death (c. 33230BC), Egyptian culture underwent great change as numerous Greeks settled in Egypt, causing social disruption but also generating innovation and wealth. We will discuss how the visual arts were transformed by a new, intensely multicultural environment. Old traditions were preserved while new identities were explored in the realms of cult, art, daily life, and death. Includes visits to the Princeton University Art Museam. ART 409 / REL 409 The Archaeology of Jerusalem: Selected Topics Lecturer Haim Goldfus, T 1:30 pm - 4:20 pm In this course we will explore, discuss and dispute key archaeological topics pertaining to various aspects of the material multicultures of Jerusalem, from the time of Alexander the Great until its surrender to the Muslem Caliph, ‘Umar. During these centuries, Jerusalem grew from a small city into “by far the most famous city, not of Judæa only, but of the East.” It became the central sacred locale of the Jewish people, and the cradle of Christianity.
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INTRODUCING OUR NEW SOCIOLOGY COURSES SPRING 2018 Matthew Desmond & Kathryn Edin Mondays & Wednesdays 10:00 AM - 10:50 AM This course explores central aspects of poverty, such as low-wage work and joblessness, housing and neighborhoods, crime and punishment. We will examine the causes and consequences of poverty, study the experiences of severe deprivation and material hardship, and what did and didn’t work with anti-poverty programs.
Shani Evans Tuesdays 1:30 PM - 4:20 PM Taking a sociological approach, this course treats race, class, and gender as social constructs that permeate social life, are entrenched in social structures and institutions, and change over time and place. Course readings will examine how these coexisting social hierarchies shape identities, structure life chances, and establish relationships of marginality and privilege.
Frederick Wherry Mondays & Wednesdays 11:00 AM - 11:50 AM From employment discrimination to the way we live our lives in the marketplace, the course reveals how gender, sexuality, race, and ethnicity matter in markets as well as the effect of social relationships and culture on economic action.
sociology.princeton.edu/new-courses
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for more information and to add a reminder to register for courses on your computer or mobile device!
High-Impact Startup Internship for Undergraduate and Graduate Students, All Majors Accepted Includes Housing, Stipend, and Academic & Social Enrichment Programs Internships in New York City and Tel Aviv http://tinyurl.com/y7l2nbkr Application Deadline: December 1
Research Opportunities for Engineering Majors Locations in Germany, Hong Kong, and Taiwan Includes Housing, Flight and Meal Stipends http://tinyurl.com/y9md7gtf Application Deadline: December 15 Internship Questions? Contact Lilian Tsang ltsang@princeton.edu
Let the eLab Summer Accelerator be your startup’s launch pad! In the eLab you’ll work on your startup, follow a specialized entrepreneurship curriculum, attend workshops, and receive valuable mentorship and advising from seasoned faculty and entrepreneurs. Includes Housing & Seed Funding (summer only), Workspace in the eHub, and much more! Program Dates: June 11 - August 17, 2018 eLab Info Session: 12/6 | Time: 5:30-6:30pm | Location: eHub Room 115 More info: kellercenter.princeton.edu/elab or contact Stephanie Landers at slanders@princeton.edu
EGR 153: Foundations of Engineering: Electricity and Photonics EGR 154: Foundations of Engineering: Linear Systems EGR 200: Creativity, Innovation, and Design EGR 201: Introduction to Entrepreneurship EGR 250, 251, 350, 351, 450, 451: EPICS (Engineering Projects in Community Service) EGR 277: Technology and Society EGR 381: Design for Understanding EGR 395: Venture Capital and Finance of Innovation EGR 491: High-Tech Entrepreneurship EGR 494: Leadership Development for Business EGR 498: Social Entrepreneurship: Rethinking Social Profit Organizations Interested in the Undergraduate Certificate Program in Entrepreneurship or Undergraduate Certificate Program in Technology and Society? Please contact Victoria Dorman for more info: vdorman@princeton.edu 20
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THE PRINCETON TIGER