Baby and Parenting Guide by Tim Alexander

THE

OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

When you have a young baby it can be really useful to have information and advice on where you can go to meet other parents or carers, your childcare options if you choose to return to work and later on information on early education. Oxfordshire Family Information Service (OFIS) provides information and advice on what childcare and early education is available, where, when and how much it costs. The Service maintains information about all registered childcare across the county. They also hold a wide range of information about activities for children, such as toddler groups, parent and baby sessions and Children’s Centres. Children’s Centres are places to play and have fun with your children as well as being able to get information, advice and support on training, work opportunities and childcare. There are Children’s Centres across the county.

For more information contact OFIS on 08452 26 26 36 or email www.oxonfis.org.uk

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baby and parenting guide

ecoming a parent is a learning experience... on the one hand, you’re welcoming an amazing little person into the world, which is both a wonderful and unforgettable achievement. On the other, it can also be a bewildering time as you try to get to know the newest addition to your family. Why is your son crying? Is your daughter hungry? And how can anyone survive on such little sleep?! Everyone in this publication has been through the experience. We can share the joy of having a child and sympathise with the worries being a parent naturally brings. After all, they do say that children don’t come with instruction manuals so it’s only natural to feel you’re constantly finding your feet. However, we hope that the features in this publication will help to provide you with appropriate information and support on some of the issues of raising a child, particularly in the first year. You will find information if you have problems or if you just want to know how to make new friends and get out more. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean losing your life as you used to know it. It’s just the start of a different and exciting stage. We hope this will help you to embark on that journey and beyond. Jacquie Bugeja Head of Oxfordshire Registration Service THE

OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Contents Positive parenting There is no secret to raising a happy and confident child but a few helpful hints can never go amiss!

All kinds of parents We take a look at the different types of families in the UK and show why they are so special.

A very special baby Having a baby with a disability can be a worrying prospect but, armed with the best information, and with a good support network in place, you can enjoy parenthood with your very special child.

Your child is unique Find out how to make the most of your child’s amazing abilities and how these are supported by the government’s Early Years Foundation Stage.

Every child’s a talker Your baby was born to talk. All you need to do is tap into their desire to communicate!

Make your baby a bookwork Vivien Kadobinskj, Book Project Co-ordinator at Oxfordshire County Council’s libraries, says it’s never too early to start giving the gift of books to your baby.

I name this child... If you’re not religious but want to mark the birth of your child in a special way, why not hold a naming ceremony?

Baby blues Why does becoming a parent sometimes lead to more than a case of the baby blues? We look at Postnatal Depression in mums... and dads.

I’m no yummy mummy Broadcaster, writer and mother Janey Lee Grace talks about what it means to be an eco-mum. OXFORDSHIRE

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baby and parenting guide

6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 24

Divide and conquer

Author and father Stephen Giles gives indispensable advice to dads on how to survive the first six months.

Out and about

Children like socialising too! Here are some ways that you and they can make new friends and have a great time.

Foster families

If you enjoy looking after children why not consider fostering a child?

Sweet dreams

Sleeping problems literally do cause sleepless nights for parents. Luckily there are things you can do to banish the nightmare of sleep deprivation.

Baby on a budget Having a baby doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean breaking the bank.

Your childcare options

Finding good childcare could cost you as much as 25% of your salary so you want to find something that suits both your child and your pocket.

Relearn to relate

Having kids and becoming a family makes it is easy to forget how to be a couple. Marriage and family relationships experts Relate provide some top tips on how to make the most of each other.

Play it safe

It is both a sad and scary fact that most fatal and non-fatal accidents that befall children do so in the home. However, there are easy ways to keep your little ones safe and sound.

Fun in the sun

No one wants to stay indoors when the sun is shining so make sure you know how to stay safe in the sun with your little one!

Domestic abuse

About one in four women aged between 15 and 59 have experienced some form of domestic violence. We look at what it is, how it affects your children and what you can do to get help. THE

OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

manuals and Idiots’ Guides to raising

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent (honest!)

children (although whether they

Being a parent is not about being

yourself and others is actually realistic.

should have consulted one is open to

perfect; it’s about being good

For example, is it fair to expect a two-

debate!). Parenting is supposed to

enough. There are so many parenting

year-old to sit for half an hour each day

as parenting

come naturally but, as any mum or

always this hard?

dad will admit, that’s rarely the case.

Our parents never needed babycare

programmes, books and websites that it’s easy to start feeling even more stressed about the ‘right’ way to do things.

Great (but realistic) expectations When deciding on the rules and routine of your household, take a moment to reflect on whether what you’re asking of

with a board book amusing themselves? Is it realistic for you to spring-clean the house each week with a newborn to look after? Give yourself and others a break

While these sources

by setting achievable goals, and make

of information can be

sure you negotiate with other family

helpful, there is no such

members to ensure that they are happy

thing as a ‘one size fits

with the suggested structure.

all’ family when it comes to the problems – big or

Be consistent

small – that you will face.

Deciding on your rules is arguably

All you, and any parent,

the easy part; the difficulty comes in

can hope to do is your

enforcing them! When you’re tired, in a

best.

bad mood or just not feeling up to par,

Safe and sound

it can be hard to see things through when your child is screaming the house

All children need to feel

down. However, short-term pain for

safe, secure and loved

long-term gain is the theory here. Once

in order to thrive, and

your child knows that a rule sticks they

you can do this without

will eventually give up trying to break it.

spending huge amounts mountains of research.

Ignore some of the negatives…

A home that has some

Many parents say that all they’ve done

structure, rules and routine

by the end of a day is shout ‘No!’ at their

can help to show your

child, which is tiring and depressing for

child that you are in control

everyone! There will be times when this

of money or doing

of the situation, rather than living in chaos, which can be unsettling and confusing. OXFORDSHIRE

THE

baby and parenting guide

is inevitable but to get out of an endless spiral of negativity let some of the smaller offences go and concentrate on

the major misdemeanours. This might

happy.

child take the lead here and learn how

mean turning a blind eye to the odd

to stop worrying to live in the moment.

flying fish finger at the dinner table to

Talk... and listen

Play, sing, make a mess, and forget your

tackle bedtime tantrums.

With a young child, unable to fully voice

inhibitions. You were a child once, after

their opinions and feelings, it is easy

all, so it should come naturally (after a

... And praise more of the positives

to just talk at them instead of to them.

little practice!).

The rest of the time, praise the positive

symptom of unhappiness or insecurity,

things your child does, such as five

so make time to sit with your child to let

All you need is love (and laughter)

minutes spent playing quietly by

them know that you can listen as well

The Beatles once sang that ‘All you

themselves, a beautifully drawn picture,

as talk. This helps you to understand

need is love’ and this is certainly true

behaving well in the supermarket, and

your child better, creates mutual respect

for children. A child who knows that

giving you a spontaneous hug or kiss.

and encourages their rapidly growing

they are well-loved will grow in self-

When your child sees that they get lots

language skills. For more information on

esteem and happiness and will return

of happy hugs and praise for being well

how to talk to your child, turn to page 14.

the affection that you give them. This is

Undesirable behaviour can often be a

behaved, but little or no response when

the foundation for the most rewarding

they are being naughty, they will soon

Learn to let go

lifelong relationship you will have, and

realise what they need to do to get your

Try to let go of your responsibilities now

who could ask for more?

attention in a way that makes everyone

and then to have some fun! Let your

Sources of help and information l Oxfordshire County Council: there are pages devoted to

l OFIS: the Oxfordshire Family Information Service

children and families. Visit the home page –

provides free information for parents about childcare and

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk – click on ‘Council Services’,

child-related services. Visit: www.oxonfis.org.uk or call

then ‘Health and Social Care’, ‘Children and Families’

08452 26 26 36

l Parentline Plus: a free helpline for anyone caring for

l OXPIP: the Oxford Parent and Infant Project helps

children. Tel: 0808 800 2222, or 0800 783 6783 for

parents and babies develop more loving and secure

people with a hearing or speech impairment

relationships through a confidential counselling service.

parent volunteers supporting parents. For details of Oxford’s branch, visit www.homestart-oxford.org.uk or call 01865 779991 l Family and Parenting Institute: a national charity that

aims to improve the wellbeing of children and families in the UK. Visit www.familyandparenting.org

Call 01865 778034, email on info@oxpip.org.uk or visit: www.oxpip.org.uk l Oxfordshire County Council’s Adult Learning: for

details on parenting classes, see www.oxfordshire.gov. uk/adultlearning or call 01865 456738 l Netmums: a national website that offers information on

local activities, events and support sources: www.netmums.com OXFORDSHIRE

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l Home-Start: a national charity with 16,000 trained

baby and parenting guide

All kinds of parents There is no such thing as a typical family these days. We take a look at the different types of families in the UK and show why they are so special.

ho is or is not in

have a reason for succeeding. They just

definite advantages, including the

your family is not as

need the opportunities.’

development of very close relationships

important as having health, happiness,

love and mutual respect and support amongst all the members. There might be times when this becomes

Young mums - find out more YWCA: www.ywca-gb.org.uk/youngmums

and bonds for life with your child or children and the co-operation and independence – for you and your child – that this brings.

difficult but you’re not expected to do

Connexions:

Family grief

things alone. Never feel frightened

www.connexionsoxfordshire.com

Sadly many families are affected by grief,

to ask for help – from family, friends,

either with the loss of one parent, brother

healthcare professionals and the

A lone but not alone

or sister or of another close family member.

charities mentioned below. There will

According to Gingerbread nearly a

The level of sadness can feel overwhelming

always be someone there to see you

quarter of UK families have a single

for both adults and children, the latter of

through the roughest waters.

parent. Most of these will be women,

whom can grieve in different ways. Even

with men making up 8% of the

if they seem OK it is always best to make

Young mums

total. Being a single parent has its

sure that you give them enough time, in

The YWCA (Young Christian Women’s

obvious challenges: you have the sole

your own grief, to check if they need to

Association) works with more than 3,500

responsibility of your child(ren) which

talk. There are groups out there to help

young mums each year to help them

can be very tiring, and the tough times

families come to terms with their loss, and

achieve a better standard of living for

can seem even harder. However, being

to ensure that parents give enough time,

themselves and their babies. Lucy Russell,

brought up by one parent has very

understanding and patience both to their

the charity’s policy officer, explains: ‘Life can be extremely tough for many young mums; they often are prevented from finishing their education and people can be judgemental of them, dismissing them

children and to themselves.

Single parents - find out more Gingerbread: www.gingerbread.org.uk

Bereaved families - find out more Cruse Oxfordshire: www.oxfordcruse.co.uk

for their lack of experience. But the women

Single Parent Action Network UK

we deal with are determined to do well in

(SPAN): www.singleparents.org.uk

See Saw: www.seesaw.org.uk

Lone Parents:

Winston’s Wish:

www.lone-parents.org.uk

www.winstonswish.org.uk

life, not only for themselves but for their children too. Some say that having a baby has turned their lives around and they OXFORDSHIRE

THE

baby and parenting guide

Old families and new ones

and grandchildren should be

According to the Care for the Family

encouraged as much as possible

charity, stepfamilies are the fastest

to help bring more love and

growing type of family in the UK – at

stability into a child’s

least one in every three is one. If you are

life, especially during

going through a divorce or separation,

times of change. If

make sure that your children are given

families separate,

opportunities to talk about how they

it is important

are feeling. Many children feel unsettled

to keep the

by change of any sort so take things

connection going

one step at a time to avoid negative

as circumstances

backlash and undesirable behaviour.

change so that no

Try to keep things as friendly as possible

one misses out.

with your previous partner, and avoid making your children feel guilty. With time they will accept new situations but patience, love and understanding are paramount to any successful transition.

Stepfamilies - find out more Care for the Family: www.careforthefamily.org.uk/ stepfamily

Going it alone Louise Simmons lives in Kidlington

children are all in bed, and sometimes

and combines working part time

the lack of finances is hard. But the

in a bicycle shop with being the

delights make up for all this. I’ve seen

Relate Oxfordshire:

community manager of parenting

the first of everything, and not missed

www.relate-oxfordshire.org.uk

website babyworld.co.uk. She is a

a breath or a heartbeat. When they’re

single mum to three children: Jennifer

all grown up I can proudly say ‘I did

(17), Jason (12) and Joshua (5).

that’ and know that I raised three

Oxfordshire Family Mediation: www.ofm.org.uk

Grandparents Grandparents play a vital role in the

“Even though single parents

wonderful children single-handedly.

upbringing of many children. They

sometimes get bad press, most people

I have all the best mummy cuddles

undertake childminding duties while

say how brave I am. I don’t see it that

to myself; I don’t have to share my

parents are at work, they participate

way; I’m just a mum giving my children

children with anyone!

in family outings and holidays and

the best start I can. Being a single parent

they are provide moral and emotional

is not as bad as some people imagine

support to both parents and children.

but it is the most difficult job I’ve ever

Relationships between grandparents

done, as well as the most rewarding. I enjoy being the sole decision-maker and

The Grandparents’ Association: www.grandparents-association.org.uk The National Society for Children and Family Contact: www.nscfc.com

there are no rows about the children because what I say goes.

Difficulties and delights

and your health visitor.

2 Take time for yourself, even if it’s ten minutes to read a magazine.

3 Keep in touch with your friends – you will be able to go out with them again!

There are difficulties, of course. There

4 Join lots of mother and baby groups

is no one to hand over to, nobody to

and the local Gingerbread group.

share a big decision with or back you up. It can be lonely, especially when the

5 Leave the house at least once a day to avoid feeling isolated. OXFORDSHIRE

THE

Grandparents - find out more

Louise’s survival guide 1 Ask for support from family, friends

baby and parenting guide

verybaby A

special

Having a baby with a disability can be a worrying prospect but, armed with the best information, and with a good support network in place, you can enjoy parenthood with your very special child.

ccording to the

Healthcare providers

Websites

organisation Contact a

The most obvious people to turn to

The internet can be an amazing source

Family, one child in 20

are your GP, your health visitor and

of advice for parents. Try typing in your

under the age of 16 has

any other healthcare provider. They

child’s disability and see what comes up

a disability in the UK, ranging from

will often have the contact details of a

for the UK; chances are there will be a

cerebral palsy and Down’s Syndrome

number of charities that will be able to

charity or organisation especially for it.

to behavioural problems and

provide you with specific support and

learning difficulties.

information, both on a national and a

Other parents

regional or local level.

When we spoke to parents of children with

Knowledge is power

special needs, they told us that the support

Raising a child can be bewildering at

of parents who knew what they were

the best of times but, when faced with

going through was invaluable. The fact

the additional challenges of a disability,

that someone else has experienced what

parents can easily become overwhelmed.

you are currently dealing with can be both

Normally, it’s less the medical side that’s an

reassuring and encouraging, plus they

issue and more the practical aspects, such

can pass on brilliant coping techniques

as knowing what benefits you’re entitled

and sources of help. Many of the national

to and where to look for special nurseries,

charities have local branches so do a web

schools and training. However, there is a

search to see what’s in your area and look

great deal of help and support available

out for posters in doctors’ surgeries, public

and the following are a few examples.

libraries, church halls and coffee shops.

She’s a special and wonderful young lady Oxfordshire resident Caroline Meek explains why she’s so proud of daughter Chantel (19), who is excelling despite her learning disabilities.

hen I was pregnant with

such an early age – a prototype, if you

Chantel I knew that I was at a

like! She was placed in the Special Care

high risk of having her early because

Baby Unit and relied on a ventilator to

my son was premature. Sure enough,

help her breathe.

Chantel arrived around 13 weeks too

Luckily there were no signs of physical

soon, by emergency Caesarean, and

disabilities, and when she first came

only weighing two pounds. She was

home she seemed a normal, happy baby.

one of the first babies to survive at

It wasn’t until she was nine or ten months

THE

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baby and parenting guide

You’d never know Alex has a disability Sources of help Sandy Markwell, from The Wychwoods, explains how she and son Alex (10) coped with his severe hearing loss.

Bliss – information and support for babies who are born ‘too soon, too small,

lex was born with severe

and the Oxfordshire Hearing Support

too sick’.

hearing loss after a very normal

Service and both were great, although

web: www.bliss.org.uk

pregnancy and birth. There was

we had to pay privately for digital

tel: 0500 618 140

no indication that there might be

hearing aids (luckily these are now

email: enquiries@bliss.org.uk

problems and there is no family

provided free on the NHS). As Alex got

history of hearing problems.

older, speech and language therapy

Contact a Family – support, advice and

By the time Alex was three months

became important so we did a lot of

information for families with disabled

old, my ex-husband and I both thought

research and came across The Oxford

children, plus a service through which

he might have hearing difficulties as he

Auditory-Verbal Programme (www.

you can make contact with other families

did not respond to some of

auditoryverbal.org.uk),

who have children with the same

the normal sounds in the

which is now a charity

disability (www.makingcontact.org).

home, such as the doorbell,

that helps children of all

web: www.cafamily.org.uk

the hoover or the clatter

ages with their speech and

tel: 0808 808 3555

of saucepans and dishes. I

language.

email: helpline@cafamily.org.uk

phoned our heath visitor and

Alex now has a very busy

she made an appointment

life. He attends Windrush

The Council for Disabled Children –

with a paediatric audiologist.

Valley School in Ascott-

tries to positively influence policies

After a couple of appointments, it became

under-Wychwood and the small classes

that affect children with disabilities and

clear that Alex had a severe hearing loss

make a perfect learning environment

special needs and their families.

and he was fitted with his first pair of tiny

for him. He also has singing and

web: www.ncb.org.uk

hearing aids.

drumming lessons and has just been

tel: 020 7843 1900

awarded his green belt for karate. To

email: cdc@ncb.org.uk

We were devastated at first that our ‘perfect’ baby had a disability – and

meet Alex, you’d have no idea that he

I used to remove Alex’s hearing aids

has a severe hearing impairment.

when we went out because I didn’t

Our experience overall has been

were alternatives, and I’ve dug deep to look for those alternatives. We’ve had

want other people seeing them. We

positive. I’ve been determined

ups and downs and at times frustration

had regular contact with the Radcliffe

throughout the whole process, never

and desperation, but now, looking

Paediatric Audiology Department

taken no for an answer if I felt there

back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

old that we realised her development

for her from the authorities, and fighting

to bond with her because I was terrified

wasn’t on track. We discovered that

for what she was due has been the

that she would die. But when she was

she had a learning disability – she

hardest part of this experience.

nearly two years old, the bonding process

understands everything but she just has

began and now you can’t stop me talking

with disabilities, often at hospital clinics,

about her! She won an award for ‘best

has been wonderful. Through them I

achieving student’ after passing an NVQ

months old and she had hearing and

could dare to hope that Chantel would

in horse management at a specialist

speech difficulties. She went to a special

live a fairly normal life as I heard how

college and she’s just taken a BTEC first

nursery and to speech therapy and this

their stories turned out. They also could

diploma in horse care. It’s been the

helped her to go to a normal primary

pass on tips about what to ask for and

making of her. I am so proud of what she

school and secondary school, although

where to look for information.

has achieved and I will tell anyone who

Chantel didn’t walk until she was 18

she had extra tuition. It was hard finding

Being Chantel’s mum hasn’t been easy.

out what help and support we could get

When she was first born, I was too scared

will listen to me what a wonderful and special young lady she is! OXFORDSHIRE 11

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problems putting it all together.

Meeting other parents of children

baby and parenting guide

Your child is unique Your child is like a sponge, waiting to soak up everything that surrounds them. Find out how to make the most of their amazing abilities and how these are supported by the governmentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS).

individual with their

The Early Years Foundation Stage

own characteristics and

Children are vulnerable and can only

temperament, and they

become resilient and confident if they

very child is a unique

l providing information on child

development from birth to the end of their reception year in school. l describing how early-years

develop in their own ways and at their

have the necessary support from others.

practitioners will work with children

own pace. Development is continuous

Early experiences with their main carers

and their families to support their

and involves a complex interaction of

will strongly influence how they develop,

development and learning.

environmental and genetic factors:

so nurturing relationships at home

nature and nurture, if you like! Every

and in childcare settings are essential

kept safe and cared for and how

area of development â&#x20AC;&#x201C; physical,

for a happy, healthy and inquisitive

everyone can work together to

cognitive, linguistic, spiritual, social

child. The Early Years Foundation Stage

ensure that children achieve the

and emotional â&#x20AC;&#x201C; is equally important

government initiative has been created

most that they can in their earliest

in this amazing process.

to help support children by:

years of life.

l defining how children should be

The framework is based on four themes: 1. A Unique Child: every child is a competent learner from birth, and can be resilient, capable, confident and selfassured. 2. Positive Relationship: children learn to be strong and independent from a base of loving and secure relationships with their parents and/or a key person. THE

12 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

environment plays a key role in supporting and extending their development and learning. 4. L earning and Development: children develop and learn in different ways and at different rates, so all areas of learning and development are equally important and interconnected.

What you can do to help your child Children do best when their parents and carers (whether family or professional) work together, as these are their first teachers. Learning happens all the time when your child is with you, through: l praise and cuddles l reading things together l playing games and singing nursery

rhymes l talking about what you can see in the

park or on the street l counting the stairs as you go up and

down. Children are sponges, eagerly soaking up whatever knowledge, experience and language you pass their way. If you use this time to encourage your child’s natural curiosity, you and your child will see the benefits in the years to come.

Oxfordshire Children’s Centres There are currently 45 children’s centres

l encouraging and supporting

in Oxfordshire and each is unique to,

parents who want to train or

and relies on the involvement of, its

return to work

community. These centres are sources

l full day care, sessional

of information and advice to parents

care, childminding or on-site crèche

of children aged 0–5 in their local

facilities.

community in the following areas: l antenatal and postnatal advice and

support

Activities are provided by a team of staff and volunteers and are all integrated

l breastfeeding advice

with Early Education, through play and

l parent and toddler drop-in

giving parents and carers a chance to

l multi-sensory rooms

look after their own needs. Charges for

l family support and outreach

activities are small and refreshments are

l information and advice for parents

available at all centres.

l activities with partner agencies

For more information view the

l speech and language development

DVD on the inside back cover of this

l dads’ groups

publication. To find out where your

l young parents’ groups

nearest children’s centre is located,

l activities that link with local schools

please visit www.oxonchildrenscentres.

l services for children with special

org.uk or contact the Oxfordshire Family

needs and impairments

Information Service on 08452 26 26 36.

The children’s centre has given me a safe, organised place where I can take my baby. I can meet people from different backgrounds and cultures and we share information either through our own knowledge and experiences or by speaking with others. Most importantly, everyone is equal, regardless of background, culture, age, etc. Parent OXFORDSHIRE 13

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3. E nabling Environments: a child’s

baby and parenting guide

Every child’s a talker Your baby was born to talk. All you need to do is tap into their desire to communicate!

id you know that your

It’s good to talk

some people feel very uncomfortable

baby will have known

Adults are pretty skilful at knowing

talking to a baby, thinking that they

your voice from inside

how to talk to babies too – that weird,

surely cannot understand a word they

the womb? During those

sing-song voice they use has been

say. While this is understandable, the

amazing nine months it will have

given an official name by researchers

way babies learn is by copying so

grown to identify your voice and that

– ‘parentese’. We normally don’t even

establishing early communication is

of your partner’s so it’s unsurprising

know we’re doing it but this tone of

vital to their intellectual and emotional

that, after arriving in the world, they

voice is naturally designed to grab

development. True, they won’t

will have a huge desire to talk to you.

the attention of little ones. However,

understand much of what you say at first but they pick things up amazingly quickly and will be able to tell much about how you’re feeling by your tone of voice.

Make it routine If you feel a little stuck about what to talk about, just use your daily routine as a prompt. Talk to your little one when you get them up in the morning, at mealtimes and during play. Describe what you are doing – for example, ‘Shall we change your nappy now and put a nice dry one on?’ You can emphasise words by pointing to the objects you’re referring to, and repeating their name holds their attention.

Say what? Not all communication is by words. Every day we all use non-verbal communication to replace words – e.g. a nod of the head for ‘yes’ – or for emphasis when we do talk – simple THE

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baby and parenting guide

Top tips to get talking Speech and language therapists have come up with the following tips to get your baby – and you! – talking. l Babies just a few minutes old will look at faces. Try sticking your tongue out – your baby may copy you! hand gestures are an example. Facial

associated actions, particularly please

expressions sometimes can say more

babies and toddlers. It can be difficult

than words – think of those raised

remembering these from when we

eyebrows when someone doesn’t

were kids, so try popping down to your

believe you, or a happy smile that melts

local library and borrowing a book or

your heart.

CD to spark your memory. Alternatively, check out your local Children’s Centre or

Crying, cooing and babbling

noticeboards in your local shops to see

Babies are sociable little beings who

they run. This gives you and your baby

try to communicate with us from day

the added benefit of meeting more

one, mainly through crying in the first

people.

what baby and toddler music sessions

months, which then turns into cooing and babbling as they use sound to

Baby bonding

imitate what they are hearing in the

Talking to and communicating with

world around them. They will also

your child shouldn’t just be about

start to copy your facial expressions

increasing their intellectual abilities.

and learn what they mean. If you don’t

More importantly, it also gives you

believe this, try a simple experiment.

special time to bond with your baby

Hold your baby close to your face and

and develop a relationship that will last

stick your tongue out... then watch as

for life. Have fun and the learning will

they try to copy you.

come!

Sing when you’re winning

l Hold your baby close so they can see your face. l Your baby will know your voice from the womb. Each time you talk, your baby will listen. l Use your daily routine as prompts. Talk about getting up, changing their nappy, mealtimes, walks – anything! l Dummies can stop children from talking so try to limit them to bedtimes and nap times. l Games are fun ways to communicate with each other. Try ‘This little piggy’ with their toes or tickling games. l Try not to let the TV take over. Half an hour a day for under-twos is enough. Turn the set off if no one is watching it. l Always look at your baby when you talk to them and give them time to respond. l Sing to your baby – they will love the sound, even if you don’t!

two will grab their attention. You don’t

Further information

need to be brilliant (think of all those

www.oxonchildrenscentres.org.uk

X Factor competitors!) – you just need

www.talkingpoint.org.uk

to be ready to let your hair down and

www.talktoyourbaby.org.uk

have fun. Any music will work but

www.ican.org.uk

traditional nursery rhymes, with their

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/libraries

with your baby is through singing. Little ones love music and a song or

OXFORDSHIRE 15

THE

Another great way to communicate

baby and parenting guide

Make your baby a bookworm! Vivien Kadobinskj, Book Project Co-ordinator at Oxfordshire County Council’s libraries, says it’s never too early to start giving the gift of books to your baby.

haring books with babies

drop-in sessions, where you and your

and children helps them

child can join in story and rhyme times,

learn to talk and read, as

especially in the school holidays.

well as being a wonderful

Every library also has computers with

and intimate experience for both of

internet access, which you can use for

you. Don’t worry if you’re not used

free – all you pay for is any printing

to reading aloud: it’s your voice that

you may wish to do. Older children

counts as your child loves the sound

love the internet as it’s a great way to

of it. Point to pictures on a page and

keep in touch with friends, look for

experiment with different voices and

information for homework, or research

sounds as you read. This makes the

their interests. It’s also a vital tool for

experience all the more fun for both

communication, information and

you and your child.

entertainment and is critical to your

Children quickly learn about books

child’s development in today’s world.

and will soon be turning the pages and

To keep your child safe, we have special

perhaps learning to talk and read for

computers for the under-15s that have

themselves. Your child will love to hear

filtered access to the internet, but we’d

the same story over and over again and,

always recommend you keep an eye on

while you may find this a little tedious,

them to ensure they’re safe.

repetition is important both for your child’s sense of security and also for

Bookstart

their language skills. You’ll be amazed

Bookstart is a national

at how quickly they improve.

programme that gives free books to all babies

What your local library can offer you

and young children at

At all of our libraries, you’ll find lots

three years old, to inspire, stimulate and

of board books and picture books to

create a love of reading. Each book pack

share with your baby, as well as story

contains two books, information about

CDs and tapes, and children’s DVDs you

sharing books with your child, and library

can hire. But did you know you can also

information. The table opposite shows

find out information on playgroups,

you what you can expect and when.

children’s centres and support groups? Additionally, some libraries run special THE

16 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

eight months old, 18 months old and

A Summer Reading Challenge is held in all libraries during the summer

holidays, which is a fun way of enjoying reading. Children are encouraged to read six books to win rewards. Look out for the colouring sheets, puzzles, themed story times, events and craft sessions.

Get signed up! Joining the library is fast, free and easy. To find your nearest branch and for information on how to join, visit the

Pack

Age group

Where to get it

Bookstart Baby Pack

Up to 12 months

Ask your health visitor at the 8-month check

Bookstart+

18-30 months

Ask your health visitor or your library

My Bookstart Treasure Chest

36-47 months

Ask your preschool, nursery or library

Booktouch

Up to 47 months

For blind or partially sighted children

Bookshine

Up to 47 months

For deaf children

County Council’s website at: www. oxfordshire.gov.uk and click on the

they start using it the better. They can

overdue fines or charges for damage

‘Libraries’ link. Your baby is eligible for

borrow up to 20 books for three weeks

on children’s books: we know that

their own library card and the earlier

and the good news is that there are no

accidents can and do happen!

Reluctant reader?

Check out five fantastic books you

Our parents and their children love reading...

and your child can enjoy from birth.

I read to them while they were in

1. Where the Wild Things Are – Maurice

as you’d hoped in books, try not

the womb’

Sendak, published by Red Fox

to make an issue out of it. Some

‘Our whole family loves to read

2. Where’s Spot? – Eric Hill, Frederick

are more reluctant than others

and is excited about books. I even

Warne Publishers Ltd

but it doesn’t mean that they

started to read to my three babies

3. The Very Hungry Caterpillar – Eric

eventually won’t be bitten by the

when they were still in the womb!

Carle, Puffin Books

reading bug. However, one way

I don’t remember a time when we

4. We’re Going on a Bear Hunt –

in which you can try to stimulate

haven’t read to our children. At

Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury,

their interest is by reading novelty

the moment their favourite books

Walker Books Ltd

books together. These have

are Charlie and Lola, The Pirate

5. Doing the Animal Bop – Jan

something unusual about them,

Penguins (hilarious) and, of course,

Omerod, and Lindsey Gardiner,

perhaps flaps that your child has

the old traditional fairy stories.

Barron’s Educational Series

to lift to see what’s underneath or

We read at any time, but always at

wheels to turn or tags to pull. This

bedtime – no matter what we are

encourages them to participate in

doing or where we are.’

the story and therefore helps to

Top 5 books from birth

What a story! Kim Pickin, director of the Oxford

Lynn Banerji

If your child isn’t as interested

attract their interest.

Story Museum, says there’s nothing

Further information

quite like reading: ‘Stories help to

‘Our favourite books are funny ones’

develop children’s language and

‘We adore reading and have

reasoning, empathy and imagination.

a story most nights and now

They help children make sense of

the children are reading well,

the world. They help them think,

they read to me sometimes. We

Oxford Story Museum:

communicate and relate to others.

have read to our children since

www.storymuseum.org

They are something different

they were tiny and they love

generations can enjoy together and,

it. They’re book mad! We also

as a recent study showed, enjoyment

encourage them to read signs, bus

of reading has a greater impact on

destinations, etc. Our favourite

For further information on

educational attainment than any

books are funny ones, such as

Book Start, please email vivien.

other factor, including parental

The Gruffalo and A Squash and a

kadobinskj@oxfordshire.gov.uk or

education and income’.

Squeeze.’

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/libraries

Bookstart: www.bookstart.org.uk

telephone 01865 810243. OXFORDSHIRE 17

THE

Karen Collins

Oxfordshire County Council:

baby and parenting guide

I name this child... If you’re not religious but want to mark the birth of your child in a special way, why not hold a naming ceremony? What are naming ceremonies?

Who can arrange a naming ceremony?

You don’t need to include every section

Naming ceremonies are a chance for

Any parent, legal guardian or person

each section as simple or as complex

you to either celebrate the birth of your

who has parental responsibility of

as you wish. A typical ceremony lasts

own child or to welcome adopted and

a child or children can arrange a

around 30 minutes but this depends on

stepchildren into your family. Although

ceremony, and you don’t have to be

the type of ceremony and the different

traditional christenings or baptisms are

married to do so.

options you choose.

in your ceremony and you can make

still popular, people are increasingly asking for an alternative, non-religious ceremony. Naming ceremonies are appealing

What happens in a naming Readings and music As with civil weddings and partnerships, ceremony? Each ceremony is divided into sections

you can include readings and music in

because you can make the occasion

to give you the chance to create

your ceremony. For naming ceremonies,

as unique to you and your family as

something personal and special. The

these may be religious and spiritual

you want. You will work closely with

sections are as follows:

as well as non-religious if you so wish.

a qualified celebrant – the person

Choose readings and music that mean

carrying out the ceremony – to select

l introduction and welcome

something to you, be they a pop song

from the options available and tailor

l naming of the child/children

or a hymn, or a Bible reading or a poem.

a ceremony that suits you and your

l parents’ promises

They don’t have to be about birth if

family. Every ceremony is different, so

l supporting adults’/mentors’ promises

you don’t want them to be. Instead

you can create something that your

l readings and music

they could be about new beginnings,

family will remember and treasure.

l signing of the register and certificates

commitments, love, life, family...

l presentation of gifts

anything that sums up your feelings

What are they for?

l presentation of certificate

about the occasion.

Naming ceremonies give you the

l closing words.

opportunity to: l celebrate the naming of your child/

children l express commitment, care and love for

your child in front of family and friends l welcome your child into the

community and introduce them to friends and relatives l choose mentors or supporting adults

who will promise to help and support to your child as he or she grows up within their community l include grandparents in supporting you

in the raising of their new grandchild. THE

18 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Where can naming ceremonies be held? Naming ceremonies can be held in all of Oxfordshire’s Registration Offices (for a full list, take a look at the ‘Births and Deaths’ section of Oxfordshire County Council’s Registration web pages – www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/registration) and at approved premises within the county. They may be celebrated on any day of the week except Good Friday, Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Day. If you would like to use a different venue, for example a village hall, this would need to be discussed beforehand. Ceremonies are not performed in private houses or gardens.

How much will the ceremony cost? The fee depends on the day and time that you choose. For a ceremony in approved premises, you will need to contact the specific venue of your choice regarding their availability and fees. Please note there will be a fee to send out a celebrant to a venue.

Cute clothes Again, since this is your day you can choose how formal or informal to be in your naming ceremony. Babies can be dressed in a traditional garment handed down over the years or a pretty dress or cute suit from a high-street shop. Most people like getting a little dolled up for such occasions but you can still keep it fairly informal.

‘A great way to welcome Saul into the world’ Emma Bolton and Rod Dacombe, of Abingdon, decided to have a naming ceremony in the Dexter Room, Oxford Register Office, for their son, Saul (4).

e don’t go to church, so we didn’t want to have a religious ceremony, but we still wanted to welcome Saul to the family in some way. It was our ten-year

anniversary, so we were planning a big party (kind of a non-wedding celebration) with our family and friends, and decided to combine it with a naming ceremony. Jonathan, our Registrar, gave us plenty of guidance on the ceremony’s content: we could decide how formal it was going to be, and who would say what. We thought it would be best if we kept our bits to a minimum – all we had to do was say ‘we will’ when Jonathan read out the vows. We also decided who was going to do readings, and sent them in beforehand. The ceremony itself was nice and informal. Rod and I came in with Saul (to music that we’d chosen), and Jonathan read an introduction about the importance of names, and some of the history of naming. He then read the parents’ vows and we responded. Next were the grandparents’ vows, and Jonathan introduced Saul’s mentors. Amongst this there were various readings. At the end of the ceremony, my mum and Rod’s dad lit candles and used these to light a third – which we kept

For further information, please call the Registration Service helpline on 0845 129 5900 or visit Oxfordshire County Council’s Registration web pages: www.oxforshire.gov.uk/registration

families in support of Saul. We then signed a register (not a legal formality, but a nice record of the day). We had a lovely family lunch together and then, in the evening, celebrated our anniversary at a party at the Ashmolean Museum. Saul had a great time joining in with the speeches! I’d recommend the experience to anyone. It was really easy to organise, and was a great opportunity to get everyone together and welcome Saul to the world. Jonathan helped to make it really special and we have very fond memories of the day. OXFORDSHIRE 19

THE

Further information

to commemorate the day. It was a nice way of symbolising the joining of the two

baby and parenting guide

BABY BLUES Why does becoming a parent sometimes lead to more than a case of the baby blues? We look at postnatal depression in mums... and dads.

he birth of a baby is supposed to be a joyful time but this isn’t always the case for new mums

and dads, for various reasons. While half of all mums go through a normal phase of the ‘baby blues’ for a few days, some develop a more

l feeling sad and teary a lot of the time for no obvious reason l lack of enjoyment in things that you previously looked forward to or enjoyed l being on a short fuse with family members and others l sleeping too much or not getting enough

how serious your symptoms are. Mild PND can often be overcome by support and TLC from your family and friends. A more severe case will probably need your doctor’s help, and antidepressants may be prescribed. Health visitors are trained to look out for signs of PND and often give new mums

serious condition called Postnatal

l lack of appetite

a special test called the Edinburgh

Depression (PND). Some refuse to

l feeling tense, worrying obsessively

Postnatal Depression Scale to see how

seek help because they feel guilty for

about your baby’s health and safety,

they’re doing in the first six months.

feeling down at a time when they are

panic attacks

Counselling can also work well to help

supposed to be on top of the world. Others worry that admitting to not being happy will make people think they are unfit mothers.

l feeling a failure, that nothing you do is right l feeling suicidal – this requires prompt medical attention.

you overcome the illness. It is essential to get help as soon as possible as the earlier the illness is caught, the easier and speedier it can be treated and you can start enjoying life as a parent.

Is it the baby blues or PND? Who’s affected? It can be tricky to distinguish between

Approximately one in every ten

the milder ‘baby blues’ and PND. Baby

mothers suffers from PND, although

Will people think I am a bad mother?

blues are generally less intense than

the number could be higher as not all

Absolutely not! Many mums suffer

PND and kick in three or four days after

women seek medical help.

needlessly in silence because they are

the birth of your child. You might feel

worried that healthcare professionals

weepy, anxious, irritable and tense for

Can dads get PND too?

will think they are an unfit parent and

a few days but this usually lifts shortly

Yes, and mental health charity MIND

will take their child away. The reality

afterwards, unlike PND, which carries on

has estimated that as many as one in

is that they will have dealt with other

for considerably longer: weeks, months

25 are affected by the illness, often

women with similar problems and will

or even up to a year if you don’t seek

brought on by feeling left out of the

be keen to help you too. Asking for help

help. PND sometimes follows on from a

bond that their partner is forming with

is a sign of strength, not weakness.

bout of the baby blues but it can occur

the baby, increased financial worries

separately and is most likely to strike

and struggling to cope with the way

Don’t forget...

within one to six months after the birth

in which their relationship with their

... that you are not alone. PND is

of your child.

partner is going. Additionally, if a man’s

completely treatable, through

partner is suffering from PND, his risk of

medication or counselling or both. The

developing it jumps from 3% to 7%.

only shame in this illness is that women

What are the symptoms?

still feel unable to ask for help, but

PND shares the same symptoms as other forms of depression,

What help is available?

remember that it is out there – all you

including:

The help you’ll need will depend on

need to do is ask.

THE

20 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

‘I felt detached from my daughter’ Sandy Brown, 34, from Oxford, kindly shared her story about PND with us. I was so excited when I was pregnant

without me because I was so bad

with my daughter Niamh. I’d wanted

at being a mum. I wasn’t suicidal

to be a mum for a long time and

but I genuinely thought I should

I couldn’t wait to meet her. I had

disappear to let them get on with a

it all planned – a peaceful water

happier life. They’d bonded well and

birth without drugs or intervention.

would do fine without me.

However, in the end, I had a 35-hour labour and was put on an epidural to

Luckily, I realised that I wasn’t

cope with the intense contractions.

thinking straight. The next day, I

When Niamh arrived I was too shell-

spoke to my health visitor, who was

shocked to gaze adoringly at her.

amazingly supportive and got me in to see my doctor immediately.

The first few months of motherhood

She was also brilliant and we agreed

were equally distressing. I stupidly

that I would start on a course of

thought that all babies behaved

anti-depressants to pull me out of

like the contented ones in nappy

the depressed mood, while having

adverts but Niamh screamed louder

weekly counselling with my health

than other babies and nothing

visitor. Those weekly sessions were a

I did helped her. We struggled

life-saver: just having a sympathetic,

with breastfeeding and I ended up

non-judgemental listener relieved

putting her on formula. The feeling

much of my anxiety, and it was good

that I was failing at everything

to feel that I was not the only person

– from giving birth and feeding

who’d ever felt that way.

Niamh to bonding with her – took over and I lost confidence in myself

Within a couple of months I felt

as a mother.

much better and within six months I felt as happy about motherhood

I wasn’t crying all the time. I just

as I had always hoped I would.

wandered around feeling detached.

Niamh is now five and I have been

I did my best to provide for Niamh

off the anti-depressants for three

practically but I disengaged myself

years. Even though we didn’t bond

from her emotionally. It was like

immediately we’ve got a fantastic

being a prisoner in my own body

relationship now and do everything

and my sleep started to suffer too.

together! Many mums feel bad if they don’t have that ‘love at first

Puerperal psychosis This condition is very rare, affecting only one or two mothers in every 1,000. A new mother may experience strange ideas and/or hallucinations in the early weeks following childbirth. An immediate appointment with your GP is required.

Useful contacts MIND (National Association for Mental Health): www.mind.org.uk The Royal College of Psychiatrists: www.rcpsych.ac.uk The Association of Post-Natal Illness: www.apni.org The Oxford Parent Infant Project (OXPIP): www.oxpip.org.uk Cry-sis: www.cry-sis.org.uk Parentline Plus: www.parentlineplus.org.uk

The breaking point came around

sight’ moment with their baby but

six months after the birth when I

Niamh and I are proof that bonding

Find out where your local children’s centre is by

started thinking that Niamh and

does happen and it carries on for the

contacting Oxfordshire Family Information Service

my husband would be better off

rest of your lives.

on 08452 26 26 36.

THE

OXFORDSHIRE 21 baby and parenting guide

Real Nappies A real alternative to disposables Modern washable cloth nappies come in a wide variety of designs, are easy to use and can save you money. Baby Thomas loves his washable nappies! Mum Carolyn B from West Oxfordshire tells us how she got on with the Oxfordshire Real Nappies trial pack. I was always tempted to use real nappies but didn’t really know where to start - there are so many different types and brands. That’s where the trial kit was really useful, I was able to try lots of different nappies on Thomas and chose the ones that suited us best. After using the kit for just one week, I was convinced and started using real nappies all of the time. They are just as convenient as disposable ones and not really any more work at all. I’m really pleased with them and Thomas loves them too!

For more information about trial packs call 08450 504550 or email waste.management@oxfordshire.gov.uk The trial pack is free to use, with no obligation to buy.

Bright Horizons Nurseries in Oxfordshire…

• H igh quality care and education meeting Early Years Foundation Stage requirements • Qualified and professional staff team • Wide range of activities meeting the individual needs of every child Contact us to discuss your individual child care requirements and arrange a visit. Call us on 0800 085 4074 or email parentenquiry@brighthorizons.com Great Haseley Nursery Back Way Rectory Road Great Haseley OX44 7JP

Scott’s House Nursery Eynsham Park North Leigh Witney OX29 6PR

Mongewell Park Nursery Elizabeth House Reading Road Wallingford OX10 9HA

St Mary’s Nursery Faringdon Road Abingdon OX14 1BD

www.brighthorizons.co.uk

THE

22 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

_55049 oxfordshire ad.indd 1

16/2/10 14:53:47

THE

OXFORDSHIRE 23 baby and parenting guide

“

I’m no

yummy

A recent Soil Association survey showed that spending on organic foods and skincare products had increased by 40 per cent in the last year, much of which can be attributed to the phenomenal rise of what experts are calling the ‘Organo-Mum’. Broadcaster, writer and mother Janey Lee Grace talks about what it means to be an eco-mum.

don’t feel I fit the label of ‘yummy mummy’ and I don’t want to be fixated with organics either. In fact, before I had my first child, I was content to settle for many of the ‘BOGOF’ (buy-one-get-one-free) options and any old skincare would do for me. However, having my own

precious baby acted as a wake-up call. I wanted to be as natural as possible in what I ate, drank and used and that inspired me to write my books to help other mums and dads do this too.

Fresh food’s fantastic

the humble baby wipe often

Most of us know that it’s best to eat as

contains not only artificial

unprocessed a diet as possible, with

perfumes and synthetic

locally sourced foods, organic fresh

preservatives but also

fruit and veg. And if you’re going to

a dose of antifreeze.

eat meat you really should ‘know your

They’re great for

cow’! Beware though: the word ‘organic’

wiping felt tip pen

has been hijacked in recent years. Now,

from walls but I’d

anyone can slap an organic label on the

draw the line at my

packaging and yet it may contain only a

baby’s bum!

tiny percentage of organic ingredients. So

To avoid these,

what should you do? Look for products

you could try making

that are accredited by the Soil Association

your own baby wipes

and recognise that it’s often what’s not in

using absorbent fabric

it that’s important... if you get my drift!

remnants or even paper towel (not so eco-friendly)

Safeguarding your baby’s skin

soaked in the following

When it comes to your precious baby

homemade solution. Add

skin it’s even more important to be as

two chamomile teabags, a few

natural as possible. However ‘gentle’ they

drops of almond or olive oil,

claim to be, many regular baby products

and a drop of lavender oil to

are full of a cocktail of chemicals. Even

two mugs of hot water. Allow

THE

24 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

”

mummy “Even the humble baby wipe often contains not only artificial perfumes and synthetic preservatives but also a dose of antifreeze!”

recommendations, read her books Imperfectly Natural Baby and Toddler – how to be a green parent in today’s busy world and her new book Look Great Naturally – without ditching the lipstick (Hay House). You may also like to join her free parenting forum at www.imperfectlynatural.com. You can hear Janey Lee Grace on BBC 2’s Steve Wright in the Afternoon show from 2.00pm-5.00pm on weekdays.

to cool and then transfer it to a spritzer

for a disinfectant) will cover most jobs

bottle or poured over the wipes in a

admirably. The added advantage? They

plastic container.

won’t contribute to headaches and

There are back-to-basics alternatives for just about everything you could

respiratory illnesses like their expensive commercial rivals.

possibly need. If you want a cheap

To freshen the air (necessary with a

effective moisturiser, the best you’ll

new baby in tow) forget scary chemical

ever find for yourself and your baby is

air fresheners. Instead, put a small

virgin coconut oil. There is a saying that

amount of water and a few drops of

you shouldn’t put anything on your skin

lemon or lavender essential oil into a

that you wouldn’t – or cannot – eat so

spray bottle (like the ones you get in

aim for products that are natural and

garden centres for plants) and spritz

safe. You can come up with lots of your

away to your heart’s content.

own ‘recipes’ too but its best to wait until the baby is six weeks old before

The real nappy controversy

introducing essential oils.

There’s no space here to go into the reusable versus disposable nappy

Back to baby basics

debate. All I want to say is do your

To reduce the amount of synthetic

research on reusable nappies and you’ll

chemicals that you use around your

find there’s a wealth of information

home, go back to basics for cleaning

available. Some local councils offer

products. These work just as well as

financial incentives if you’re reducing

the harsher and more abrasive options

the landfill nappy mountain so

without the worry over nasty chemicals.

everyone wins – you, your baby, your

You’ll find a microfibre cloth, a lemon,

community and the planet. What better

some bicarbonate of soda, vinegar

motivation could you need? For full

and a good dose of elbow grease (with

information on real nappies go to

perhaps a drop or two of tea tree oil

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/realnappies

Factoids!

Since Janey is a presenter on Steve Wright in the Afternoon, we thought we’d throw in our own factoids! Storm in a nappy Did you know that, in the first two years of its life, a baby can go through an incredible 5,500 nappies? According to Oxfordshire County Council, nappy waste alone could fill Oxford’s Cornmarket Street to a height of 10 metres! Eggcellent water savings You can feed houseplants cooled water from boiling an egg; they’ll benefit from the nutrients released from the shell. What a waste! Up to 30% of food bought is not eaten before it goes off so try to buy only what you need. Facts and figures reproduced from Oxfordshire County Council’s Waste and Recycling Department.

OXFORDSHIRE 25

THE

About Janey: For lots more information, and all Janey’s natural

baby and parenting guide

nce you get beyond the birth you can expect to launch into a whole new incredible whirlwind of shared emotion, including joy, relief and trepidation about what lies ahead. But work returns all too soon and then other pressures creep back in... who takes on the childcare? What do you do about sleepless nights and division of labour? How do you support each other and still ensure a good wage is coming in?

might justifiably want to be focusing on getting your eight hours. But while this attitude is understandable, it’s just not workable, especially if your baby isn’t sleeping well. Your partner simply won’t be able to cope with such a serious burden and no one can be expected to stay awake night after night. The best option is to devise a sensible plan to share the night feeds that allows you to get a workable amount of sleep but which also allows your partner to rest at the right time too.

Let sleeping dads lie... or not

Work it out

One area in which you may feel you can’t bend is the subject of sleep. There’s precious little of it anyway and if you’re heading back to work you

Heading back to work brings its own challenges. When a friend of mine went back to work after the birth of his first son he tried his best to be professional in the office. Sadly, no

one told his colleagues about this, and they spent hours bombarding him with requests for photos, offers of secondhand trikes and burp cloths, and general reminiscences about their own experiences of parenthood. Whether or not office life returns to normal for you, it is time out of the house and away from the routine of baby care. You’ll need to ensure your partner has some time off to break her routine with the baby – maybe the occasional afternoon out, or a night on the tiles with friends, something that will reassure her that life isn’t moving on without her.

Something for the weekend Weekends are another potential flashpoint, as they were once your time to relax after a busy working week, but will now be filled with the many jobs that your partner simply cannot hope to manage in your absence. She has the upper hand here – your work is just five days a week, hers is seven, so you’ve got to bend on weekends. At least it’s a good opportunity for bonding: you’ll be surprised at how motorsport can grab the attention of a three-week-old.

Get stuck in This leads us nicely on to the most important element: your relationship with your baby. No matter how busy you are, it’s worth building some kind of ‘ring-fenced’ quality time. Whether it’s at breakfast time, bath time or bedtime THE

26 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

as a father and spend more quality time building a relationship with your child. Playing a full part also means you can really support your partner if things get tough for her.

Don’t feel anonymous

Parenthood is to be enjoyed, not endured is up to individual circumstances, but it’s crucial to have some one-to-one interaction each day that doesn’t feel like a chore or an obligation. When you do get more time together – at weekends or holidays, for example – you can bond with your baby through simple, stimulating activities and games. Everything seems a little daunting at the beginning. But if you get stuck in and do as much as you can as early as possible, you will build your confidence

In summary, maintain your share of the responsibilities, keep everyone’s sleep levels as high as possible, get friends and family to help out, trust your partner’s postnatal support network, try to take some time out for just you and your partner, and don’t forget that her role caring for the baby is a full-time job as demanding and exhausting as your own. And don’t forget to enjoy it! For further information visit Oxfordshire’s dedicated website for dads – www.oxondads.co.uk

Stephen Giles is an author and playwright. He has two sons and lives in North Wales. He has written seven books, including From Lad to Dad and You’re the Daddy, his funny and personal accounts of fatherhood, as well as more recently The DIY Pocket Bible and The Dad’s Pocket Bible. OXFORDSHIRE 27

THE

And that brings us on to another key piece of advice – don’t neglect your relationship with your partner. Everyone can feel anonymous when the baby is in charge over the first few weeks so when life starts to return to normal it’s vital to create the time and space to recall what brought you all together in the first place. Try to handle the six months after the birth as you managed pregnancy. Make sure you’ve got some leave saved back, so you can attend your baby’s six-week (or thereabouts) check at the doctor. Get to at least one health visitor session, and to the parent-and-baby clinic if there is one near you.

baby and parenting guide

Out and about Children like socialising too! Here are some ways that you and they can make new friends and have a great time. Toddle along to a toddler group

contact Oxfordshire Family Imformation

in a safe environment and learn to play

Service on 08452 26 26 36 or visit

alongside other babies.

Baby and toddler groups are a great

www.oxonfis.org.uk

way for you to socialise with other

Dedicated to dads

parents and for your baby to get used

Tumbling tots

to being around other children. There

Very young babies obviously aren’t very

and dads but since they are often

are too many groups to list here but

mobile but from six months onwards

dominated by women, men can feel a

check out website Daily Info’s helpful

the range of activities you can do

little outnumbered. If that’s the case,

‘Babies and Children’ and ‘What’s on?’

together increases. Special baby gym

why not try out Saturdads – a special

links for comprehensive listings (see

classes can be a good place to get

group targeted at dads (and all male

www.dailyinfo.co.uk). Additionally, local

them interested in playing and moving.

carers) and their young children aged

health centres, libraries, community

Tumble Tots run activity centres in

0-5, as well as their older brothers and

centres and shops often have details

Oxford and Witney where children from

sisters. The sessions are run at various

of groups in your area. You can also

six months upwards can move around

children’s centres in Oxfordshire. Dads

Toddler groups welcome both mums

can also ask for advice or support on any aspect of parenting. To find out more contact Oxfordshire Family Information Service on 08452 26 26 36 or visit www.oxonfis.org.uk

Make some music Music is wonderful for babies. It soothes them (and parents!), it improves language development and, most importantly, it’s enjoyable. So why not encourage your budding Beethoven by attending a music group? There are many sessions in social clubs, village halls, and community centres and franchises of national organisations such as Monkey Music also offer classes tailored to specific age groups. Not only will your baby love the sounds they make and hear but you’ll both make new friends too. That’s definitely something to make a song and dance about.

THE

28 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

What we get up to ‘I’ve always enjoyed going along to toddler groups with my children. While the girls play, I get the opportunity for a sit down and a chat with other mums as well as a slice of cake.’ Katie Paxton-Doggett ‘We bought a few activity centres, we sang nursery rhymes, coloured, built

Be cool in the pool

encourage families to go outside and

things and played lots of board games

Babies are naturals in the water so taking

get walking, whatever the weather.

as a family. We also have a trampoline

them swimming can be an excellent way

Areas covered include Barton, Rose

with a safety net in the back garden

of keeping everyone entertained. You can

Hill & Littlemore, Blackbird Leys,

which they love and are on it all

either go to a special ‘aquababes’ class run

South Abingdon and Bretch Hill

summer and any other time it is dry and

by various council-run pools or by private

in Banbury. The maps have been

fairly warm! They were a little expensive

organisations or just pop along to your

developed through a partnership

but they have been worth their weight

local swimming pool and let them splash

between Oxfordshire County Council,

in gold. We also have swings, a slide and

in the water. You’ll need to wait until your

Oxfordshire Primary Care Trust and the

climbing frame in the back garden and

child is at least three months old though

local children’s centre with input from

they love going out there and playing

as they must have all their injections

parents, who have enjoyed exploring

all the time.’

before they are safe in the water.

their local communities together. Walking maps are available free

Karen Collins ‘I realised early on that babies don’t

Walking maps for families

at local health centres, libraries and

need a great deal of entertaining: just

To have fun with your baby you don’t

children’s centres and online at

your time, love and attention. It is my

need to pay lots of money and attend

www.oxonchildrenscentres.org.uk

belief that half an hour of good quality

Council has recently launched a new series of walking maps to

They can also be obtained by contacting Oxfordshire Family

parental time is worth more than any toddler group or bought toy.’

Information Service on 08452 26 26 36.

Lynn Banerji

Further information Oxfordshire Children’s Centres: www.oxonchildrenscentres.org.uk or call the Oxfordshire Family Information Service on 08452 26 26 36. OXONdads: www.oxondads.co.uk Tumble Tots: www.tumbletots.com/ oxford or call 01235 520373 Jambinos: http://jambinos.com/oxford/ home.htm or call 01865 712846 Daily Information: www.dailyinfo.co.uk OXFORDSHIRE 29

THE

loads of classes. Oxfordshire County

baby and parenting guide

Why foster? Our childhood years should be happy but unfortunately this is not the case for some children. For a wide variety of reasons, they need the support and love of a foster parent to help them through difficult times, perhaps while their own natural parents try to resolve personal or emotional crises. There are currently more than 400 children in the looked-after system in Oxfordshire, all of whom need a good, steady home in which to – quite simply – be a child.

What does it involve? There are many different ways in which you can foster in Oxfordshire: Long-term fostering: Normally for older children, aged eight to 18, for whom adoption isn’t a likely option. Short-term fostering: A child will stay with a foster family for a short period, from one day to one year, while their long-term care plan is being decided, often in court. Relief care: A regular commitment in which a child will spend one weekend a month, for a period of time, with a foster parent, either to give their own family a chance to work through any problems or to give their foster family a weekend break to spend with their own natural children. Relief care is great if you work full time as it only requires commitment at weekends. Short Break scheme: Specifically for children with disabilities, allowing either their natural family or foster family a break. THE

30 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Fostering plus: Children with severe behaviour needs come into this category and normally more experienced foster carers are involved. Multi-dimensional Treatment Foster Care Prevention: This is a pilot scheme in Oxfordshire focusing on children aged three to six and seven to eleven whom they believe might have special needs in years to come. The children will spend one year with a foster family and will be intensively looked after to try to help them resolve any issues. Most foster parents for this role must be experienced in childcare, must be prepared to work full time with the child, and will liaise frequently with other child experts.

Who are the children? Foster children vary greatly in age from babies to teenagers. Some will have physical or behavioural difficulties while others will not. All will want a warm, loving and secure home where they can feel safe and cared for. Currently there is a need for families to come forward to look after babies and under 5’s, and for families who will offer long term care to children who are older – ages 11 to 15 who need to stay with their new carers until they can live independently.

How do I get involved? The process of becoming a foster parent is, necessarily, a thorough one. It is essential that everyone – you, the fostering services, and the child – is

happy that you are suitable for taking on this great responsibility. Initially, when you contact the Oxfordshire County Council’s Adoption and Fostering Team to find out what’s involved you will speak to the Enquiry Officer who is there to answer your initial questions and talk you through the process. After that, you’ll be allocated a supervising social worker (SSW), who will visit you at home to discuss fostering in more detail and answer any questions. If you decide to continue, you will embark on a four-month home-study course, in which you will learn about fostering and be assessed both for your overall suitability and for which type might be best for you. If you have any of your own children, they will also be interviewed by the SSW to ensure that they are happy with the idea of fostering. You will also be subject to CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) checks and will have to give the names of references, two of which must also be interviewed. You will also attend some training that gives you a better understanding of what is involved and also a chance to meet others who are going through the process. At the end of this process, your application will go to a panel of assessors. They will read your application, speak to your SSW and to you – should you agree to attend (highly recommended!) – and will either approve you or not.

There is no specific ‘type’ of foster carer. They can be single or in a couple and they don’t need to be married. They can be either heterosexual or gay, and are typically aged between mid-20s and 60s. The size of your house isn’t important as long as there is room for everyone. Ideally a foster child should have their own bedroom although sometimes sharing is acceptable as long as everyone’s happy and there’s enough room. People from all social and ethic backgrounds are wanted and needed. It is recommended that if you have experienced any recent traumas such as bereavement, divorce, serious illness, and IVF treatment, you wait to make sure that you are strong enough emotionally and physically to undertake the fostering process. But you’re welcome to talk through this with us as we know each individual case is very different.

What are the pros and cons? Fostering a child can be difficult, especially if they have emotional or physical problems, so foster parents must be warm, welcoming, patient and compassionate. That said, there can be no greater feeling than providing a child with a loving home at a time when they feel most vulnerable.

Further information Oxfordshire County Council Fostering Team: www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/fostering or telephone 0800 7835724. British Association for Adoption and Fostering: www.baaf.org.uk

‘Children blossom in their own time’ Oxford mother Jenny Barney has fostered over 60 children in Oxfordshire and wouldn’t have it any other way. ‘My husband John and I have eight children between us and they’re all pretty independent. When my youngest was ten, I started feeling bored at home and my friend recommended fostering. The Family Placement Team at Oxfordshire County Council was fantastic at helping us through the approval process. We did the home study course and never felt as if we were being evaluated or tested. Our social worker became like a friend to us and that made the entire procedure flow more smoothly. ‘The first child we ever fostered probably was our most difficult. He was a very frightened young boy from an abusive home and when he arrived he just curled up in a ball and kept away from all physical contact. However, a few months into his stay, we were walking to the park and he came up and held my hand and my husband’s. It choked me up. It showed me how we have to allow children to be ready in their time, not ours. ‘John and I are approved to foster children aged 0-18 years and we’ve looked after 60 during our 11 years. Some of this has been emergency work where

the children only stay a night or so. Only four or five have remained with us for several years. What’s nice is that many of the children we have looked after still keep in touch, either by phone or letter, and sometimes they visit too. ‘Our natural children have always been supportive of our decision to foster; I couldn’t have done this without their approval as they were still young enough to fully need our attention when we started out. I think fostering has made them better people overall as they appreciate what they have when a child arrives on our doorstep with no toys and only the clothes they’re wearing. ‘As with everything, fostering has its ups and downs. It is amazing to see a child blossom when they are part of a stable relationship. However, that cannot always happen; if a child is only with you for a short time there isn’t time to help gain their trust. You hope that somewhere down the line they’ll receive that from someone. Our first placement child had that with us and he’s now living a happy life. It’s wonderful to feel a part of that.’ OXFORDSHIRE 31

THE

Will I be eligible?

baby and parenting guide

ll babies and toddlers (and

can implement the three Bs – bath,

If you think that your child might have

parents!) need their sleep

bottle/breast and bed – a tried and

a serious sleep problem, and the family

but sometimes things

tested method, and throw in a story or

is becoming unhappy and regularly

happen that make this

two to help them drift off happily.

disrupted, then talk to your GP or health

difficult. We look at the most common problems and how to tackle them.

Bedtime blues Babies and young children spend much

l Light up at night: If your child is

visitor for advice.

scared of the dark then a small nightlight will help, as will a few of his

Toddler troubles

favourite toys in the cot.

One of the major sleeping problems

l Trust yourself: Sometimes the above

toddlers face as they grow older is

of their time asleep… or at least they

technique takes a little while to take

bedwetting (and sometimes soiling)

should! However, sleeping problems

effect. Keep practising it and trust

– at a rough guess, 25% of three-year-

often occur, even with the most laid-

in your own abilities to do it and

olds and one in six five-year-olds wet

back child. Usually there is a reason for

to know if your child is crying from

their bed regularly. Why they do this

the disruption and the following steps

illness, hunger, or is just objecting to

is not exactly clear – some children

should help get things back on track:

the new routine.

just take longer to stay dry at night

l Get some sleep! If possible, ask a l Get into a routine: most babies thrive

while others might be worried about

good and trusted family member or

something. The key to dealing with

on routine and a special one for

friend to look after your baby so you

this successfully is not to get angry and

bedtime can help get them wind down.

can catch up on your sleep. You’re

stressed as this will only make things

From as young as six weeks of age, you

important too!

worse for everyone. l Ask your child to try for the loo before

bedtime. l Talk to them to see if anything is

bothering or worrying them. l Keep relaxed (even though it’s hard!)

– a stressed parent will only add to the problem. l Praise your child when they do

make it through a night without bedwetting. l If you are worried at any time, book

an appointment with your GP or health visitor to discuss the situation. THE

32 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Safer sleeping Thankfully cot death (or Sudden

bumpers, ribbons or anything that

Do not share a bed with your baby.

Infant Death Syndrome), which can

your baby can get tangled up in.

The Department of Health advises that

is becoming increasingly rare and there are steps you can take to further prevent it from occurring. 1. Always lie your baby down on his or her back to sleep. 2. Place her ‘Feet to Foot’ – ie her feet at the foot of the cot. 3. Ideal room temperature should be 18–21oC: overheating is an identified cause of cot death. 4. N ever let anyone fall asleep with your

6. Ensure that mobiles are hung high enough not to get caught in. 7. Use rubber sheets covered in cotton, not

5. K eep the cot clear of plastic sheets,

is on their backs in their own cot in a room with you for the first six months.

plastic, as the latter can cause suffocation,

Co-sleeping is generally not advised and

and tuck all sheets and blankets safely

should definitely be avoided if you and/or

and securely under the mattress.

your partner smoke, have recently drunk

8. Pillows, throws or quilts shouldn’t be

alcohol, take medications that make

used until your child is one year old.

you sleep more heavily or feel very or

Use lightweight blankets which you

unusually tired.

can add to or take away depending on the temperature of the room. 9. Keep your baby’s head and face uncovered at all times when they are indoors.

baby in their arms, or place them on a beanbag, sofa or chair.

the safest place for your baby to sleep

If at any time your baby seems unwell seek medical advice early and quickly.

Further information Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID): Telephone: 020 7802 3200 Email: office@fsid.org.uk Website: www.fsid.org.uk OXFORDSHIRE 33

THE

affect babies up to six months old,

baby and parenting guide

Baby on a budget Having a baby doesn’t mean breaking the bank. Most newspapers would have you believe that you have to spend more than £180,000 to raise a child from birth to 21 years. No wonder many people say they can’t afford a baby! Obviously, if you’re determined to only buy the best baby equipment and designer clothes then you could easily spend a fortune but if you set your sights more realistically there are many ways you can save money and still have nice things.

ress and car tt a m d e b d n ot, crib a lC bought new. e b s y a lw a t seats mus t ry equipmen e rs u n ld o y t an heck tha lC -based paint, d a le in d te . is not decora t, don’t buy it b u o d in If . ic which is tox uy but always b d e s u re e b n ottles ca lB new teats.

Here are some ways to save... Think: do you really need it?

Sort out a shopping list

BOGOF

Baby items are cute by nature

A good way to avoid impulse

Many shops now have reward or

but unfortunately this can lead

buying is to do your shopping on

loyalty cards that send you money-

parents into spending more money

the internet, as it’s easier to walk

off coupons or special offers for

than they originally intended. So

away from the computer for a while

members, often targeted to their

before you take out the plastic,

than it is in a shop. Additionally,

customer’s circumstances, such

ask yourself if you really need it.

you can see how much your bill is

as ‘BOGOFs’ (buy-one-get-one-

Admittedly, it’s hard to know what

online which will make you think

free) and three-for-the-price-of-

will be essential first-time round, so

twice about the nappy-wrapping

two promotions, all of which can

why not ask friends and family with

machine you were considering.

save you money. Shop around to

children what items were definitely

There will be certain items that

see what the best offers are and

not worth the money? You can

you’ll want to see and try out before

consider registering with sites

be guaranteed that there will be

you buy, such as pushchairs and

that offer a regular discount to

something they have bought that

possibly cots so, before heading out

members.

wasn’t used!

to the shops, write out your budget and your list of essentials and keep to it.

THE

34 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Parent panel Our parent panel’s top tips for saving money.

Furtherinformation Dealtime: www.dealtime.co.uk Ebay: www.ebay.co.uk Freecycle: www.freecycle.org Kiddicare: www.kiddicare.com NCT (Oxford branch): www.oxfordnct.org.uk

Used can be as good as new

‘There are great second-hand clothes out there’ ‘Unfortunately I hadn’t discovered NCT Nearly New Sales when I had my first daughter. These local sales are an amazing way to pick up everything you might need for a new baby, from clothes to equipment. Newborns grow at such an alarming rate that clothes in perfect condition can be picked up extremely cheaply and you might even come across some brand-new things which were never worn.’ Katie Paxton-Doggett ‘We used everything twice’ ‘My family always teases me about my first child because we had no money whatsoever so when Luke was getting too big for the babygros I would cut the feet out and put socks on him and get longer use out of them. My last two children are only 16 months apart so we used everything twice. I often fed them all mashed bananas with milk whilst weaning them which was cheap and nutritious. However, don’t cut corners on nappies: cheaper nappies need changing twice as much so they’re a false economy.’ Karen Collins ‘With my first baby I wanted everything available and all new. With my second baby I realised that a huge amount of things that we had bought the first time were a waste of money as we never used them. They were just gadgets that cluttered the house. The second baby had nothing but hand-me-downs. We used charity shops for our children’s clothes as they were often of very good quality. My tip to new parents is to not be drawn in by advertising – easier said than done though.’ Lynn Banerji

Suss out nearly-new sales

Get into the internet

You don’t always need to buy

Nearly-new sales are a wonderful

The web is a useful place to

everything new when you have

way of getting hold of baby

find good quality, well-priced

children. A great way of getting

equipment, clothes and toys. The

equipment. Check out www.

goods you can trust is from

NCT (National Childbirth Trust) runs

kiddicare.com for savings on new

accepting used baby equipment

two sales a year in Oxford, normally

items, or www.dealtime.co.uk to

from friends and family. Virtually

in April and November, in which

compare prices between different

everything – except car seats and

parents can buy and sell goods.

shops on thousands of products.

mattresses for Moses baskets and

Note that these are extremely

For second-hand items, visit

cots – can be second-hand so see

popular, however, so you need to

www.ebay.co.uk or try your local

what you can beg or borrow from

get there early. Village halls often

Freecycle group (www.freecycle.

others. Normally, once you’ve

run sales and you could also check

org), where people give away their

announced your pregnancy, you’ll

out what’s on offer at car boot sales

new and used things free to a good

find people are only too happy to

and in charity shops. One word of

home.

pass on their items to future first-

warning, though: be careful about

time parents, and you can carry on

the quality and safety of the items

the tradition yourself at a later date!

you pick up. Check out our article on safety on page 40 to see what you need to look for. THE

OXFORDSHIRE 35 baby and parenting guide

Your childcare options Finding good childcare could cost you as much as 25% of your salary, according to a recent survey, so you want to find one that both suits your child and your pocket.

here are pros and cons

aged between 17 and 27, who want

Registered childminders

to all types of childcare,

to come to the UK from another

Some registered childminders who

which we’ve summarised

European country to learn English and

work within an approved childminding

here for your convenience.

earn some money. You will provide

network can offer government-funded

While considering your choices,

them with board, lodging and a small

early education for three- and four-

remember that childcare can range

salary in exchange for help with your

year-olds. Childminders who offer this

from excellent to average so give

children and some light housework for

will have a level-3 qualification in early

yourself plenty of time to research

a maximum of 25 hours per week in the

years and childcare and are inspected by

what is available and to think about

daytime, as well as babysitting for one

Ofsted for the education they provide.

what sort of setting would suit

or two evenings. They are entitled to

You can use their services alongside a

both you and your baby best. Ask

two free days a week, and at least one

place at a preschool, playgroup or nursery

friends and family what they do or

free weekend a month.

that offers early education sessions. You

did, and contact the Oxfordshire

can get a list of childminders from the

Family Information Service for more

Pros: Your children will be looked after

Oxfordshire Family Information Service

information and guidance.

in their own home. It’s fairly cheap.

on 08452 26 26 36.

Cons: Many au pairs have had no prior

Au pairs

experience of looking after children

Pros: Most childminders are mothers

Au pairs are normally young women

and, therefore, aren’t suitable for very

themselves and look after children in

(and very occasionally young men),

young babies.

a home environment. Costs are mainly lower than in nurseries. There are fewer children being looked after at any one time. Cons: If your childminder is unwell, there is no one to cover for her as there would be in a nursery setting, so you will have to take time off work.

Family There surely can be no better childcare option than leaving your child with a grandparent or an aunt or uncle who will love them nearly as much as you do yourself. Everyone will have your baby’s best interests at heart and you can rest assured that they will get the love, care and attention that you would give them. THE

36 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Pros: Your children will be looked after

policies and should give you a copy of

the required standards and usually offer

by someone that they love – and who

the policy if you ask. Day nurseries usually

a good range of activities relevant to

loves them – in familiar surroundings.

offer care from 8am until 6pm, but some

your child’s age group. They will also be

Many family members will not charge

may offer longer hours. They are open all

able to cover staff illness.

for their help.

year, except possibly for a week or two in

Cons: Some parents don’t like the

Cons: Tensions can arise if there is

the summer and at Christmas. However,

‘institutional’ culture and some

disagreement on how to look after your

you will have to pay for any time your

nurseries are very expensive.

child when you’re not around. Some

child goes there which is over the basic

family carers complain of being taken

government-funded limits.

advantage of, either because they

Children who go full-time receive

To find out how you can get financial help toward childcare contact

are not paid (or not paid enough) or

snacks and at least one meal a day.

Oxfordshire Family Information

because they are working more hours

The nursery may provide this for a

Service on 08452 26 26 36 or visit

than initially agreed.

charge, or your child can bring food

www.oxonfis.org.uk

from home. If the nursery provides

Nannies

your child’s meals, they must be varied

Nannies provide childcare in your

and nutritious. And the nursery should

home, as well as other housekeeping

respect your wishes and provide special

and cooking duties that involve your

meals for cultural and religious reasons.

child. They can be very expensive for one child but get ‘cheaper’ the more

Pros: Nurseries are regularly inspected

children they look after, so some

by social services to ensure they meet

parents do a ‘nanny share’ together. professionally or by experience. Pros: Your child will be looked after at home. Nannies are also more experienced than au pairs. Cons: As her employer you will be responsible for paying not only her salary but also her tax and National Insurance.

Day nurseries Day nurseries take children up to the age of five. They may be run by individuals, community groups, partnerships, Montessori organisations or commercial companies. All supervisors and managers must hold a full and relevant level-3 qualification. And, half of all the other staff must hold a full and relevant level-2 qualification (as defined by the Children’s Workforce Development Council). There may be up to 24 children in one room with one adult for every eight children aged from three to five. Day nurseries have their own admission

What sort of childcare suits your child?

l Do the children seem happy and

Before choosing, think hard about

l Can any friends or workmates

busy?

what type might suit your child best. Is

recommend somewhere or

your baby a sociable soul or a retiring

someone?

wallflower? In the case of the former,

Don’t be afraid to visit more than once

a nursery might be ideal, whereas a

and to ask to see their certificates and

shyer child might thrive in a quieter

registrations. You are also within your

setting. Sometimes it can be hard to

rights to ask for references from other

gauge this in advance so be prepared

parents.

to keep an open mind and possibly change your childcare if it isn’t working out for you and your child.

What to look for

Be prepared to reassess the situation Most children get a little teary when their parents leave them for the first

In most childcare settings the following

time (so do the parents!) and it can

are indicators of whether the provision

take a few weeks for things to settle

is good or not:

down. However, if the crying continues and your child seems distressed in any

l Is the nursery setting welcoming and friendly?

other way, you may have to consider a different childcare option. Discuss your

l Are staff helpful and approachable?

worries with their carer to see if they

l Do the children relate well to their

have noticed anything and try to rectify

carer (both in nurseries and at the

the situation first but, if nothing works,

childminder’s)?

then be prepared to reassess your plans. OXFORDSHIRE 37

THE

Most nannies are qualified either

baby and parenting guide

Parent panel

‘Our working arrangements’ Our parent panel share what working arrangements they made after their children were born. ‘My childminders are now my children’s godmothers’ ‘My children went to a childminder when they were babies as I liked the one-toone relationship and home atmosphere. It is essential to find someone that you like as a person, whose parenting approach is similar to your own. Perhaps I was lucky, but both of the childminders I used are now godmothers to my subsequent children!’ Katie Paxton-Doggett ‘The nursery staff were caring, loving and full of warmth’ ‘I worked part time after having my children and they went to a private nursery which was fairly expensive but fantastic. The staff were wonderful, caring, loving and full of warmth for the children. The food was excellent too, all organic and nutritious. It really helped prepare my two for school as they were already used to the structure of the day and being with lots of other children. We still keep in touch with the staff and visit them from time to time.’ Karen Collins ‘Staying home with my girls was the best decision’ ‘With my first daughter I returned to work part time and she went to a university nursery. I thought that this was the best option as nurseries encourage sociability and aren’t too expensive. However, I didn’t really want to return to work and hated leaving her there. I soon became pregnant again and when my second daughter she went to the same nursery. Both children were there for a very short time but when we had a problem with the nursery and the care provided we took them both out and I have stayed at home with them since. This was the best decision for all of us; my only regret is that I didn’t do it from the start.’ Lynn Banerji

Further information Oxfordshire Family Information Service: www.oxonfis.org.uk, tel 08452 26 26 36 The Daycare Trust: www.daycaretrust.org.uk, tel 020 7840 3350 National Childminding Association: www.ncma.org.uk, tel 0800 169 4486 The pre-school years booklet to inform parents of the choices available for free early years education childcare and play for 2, 3 and 4-year-olds is available at www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/earlyyears and click on ‘our publications’ THE

38 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Relearn to relate M In all the excitement and chaos that comes with having kids and being a family, it is easy to forget how to be a couple. Marriage and family relationships experts Relate provide some top tips on how to make the most of each other. aking the change

and those of others around you. Some

away and think about what has been

from being a couple

things to look out for are:

said. Your first reactions may be “hot”

to being parents isn’t

l Is someone feeling left out in your

thoughts: anger, resentment. You might

always easy. It can be

difficult to find time for yourselves,

your sex life can change, you have to

family group?

l Is someone intruding into your family

set-up? How can you tackle this?

feel like crying. Let these feelings pass,

and focus on what your partner actually said, so that you end up with a clearer

juggle the commitments of work and

l Is anyone’s past experiences causing

family and find a way of agreeing on

them difficulty in coping with the

Then, when you’re ready, use your

how to bring up the children.

new situation?

insights to talk the problem through

However, there are steps you can take

understanding of his or her feelings.

again calmly. Try to move towards a

to make life easier and more enjoyable –

Time to talk

for everyone. When you first bring your

If a new baby has upset your

baby home and are learning how to be a

relationship, try to make time to talk –

Don’t give up!

three (or more), try the following tips:

agree when and where. It needn’t be

It takes practice to learn to

long, but choose a moment that suits

communicate better. Don’t expect

l Don’t keep it all to yourself. Talk to

you both, when you’re not hungry or

everything to be solved immediately,

your partner, and other parents –

especially tired. Ensure you take turns

but keep at it and bit by bit you will

you’ll find that many are experiencing

to listen to each other, uninterrupted,

start to see changes.

the same mixture of conflicting

for an agreed amount of time, say five

feelings.

or ten minutes, while the other listens

l Work with your partner to support

carefully without interrupting. Then the

each other through it. Take turns

other partner has an equal amount of

with the baby. When it’s not your

time to do the same.

solution that satisfies you both.

Relate Oxfordshire can help couples and parents make the most of their relationships. If you want a little bit of help, or if things do get tough at home, get in touch on: 01865 242960 or visit: www.relate.org.uk

turn, don’t hover – get away from the noise. l Be kind to yourself and each other:

Beware of blaming It’s very important not to use language

lack of sleep causes lowered tolerance

that blames or criticises the other

and frayed tempers.

person. The object is not to attack or

l Sleeping separately can help to keep at

undermine each other, but to try and

least one of you from falling apart, but

understand what the problems are. For

don’t do it for too long. Sharing a bed is

example, say, “I feel abandoned when

an important part of being a couple.

you go to the pub after work instead of coming home to me and the baby”,

Living with your new family

rather than: “I’m furious that you spend

A new person in the home, however

bothered to come home on time, and

small, impacts on everyone else

since we’ve had the baby things have

who already lives there as well as on

got even worse”.

so much time at the pub. You’ve never

extended families. If you’re aware of

Take time out

sensitive to your partner’s feelings

When you have heard each other, go OXFORDSHIRE 39

THE

how things are changing, you can be

baby and parenting guide

safe

play it

It is both a sad and scary fact that most fatal and non-fatal accidents that befall children do so in the home. However, there are easy ways to keep your little ones safe and sound.

ore than one million

Go on a crawl

Be careful of burns

children under the age

Children learn by exploring so the best

The most common cause of burns

of 15 are taken to A&E

way to discover the hidden dangers

in children under the age of five

each year following

at home is to get down on your knees

is hot liquid; a hot drink can still

accidents in or around their home.

and seeing your house from your

scald a child 15 minutes after

According to the Royal Society for

toddler’s viewpoint. Keep an eye out

you’ve boiled the kettle, while

the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA),

for heavy, delicate and dangerous

hot bath water causes the

your child is most likely to have an

items that might topple over from

most fatal and severe

accident in the living or dining room

shelves and lighter objects that could

scalding injuries

but the most serious injuries occur

easily fall over if pushed. Always

amongst young

unsurprisingly in the kitchen and

ensure that power sockets have safety

children. To keep

on the stairs. The good news is that

covers and that you have securely-

your child safe don’t:

most of these accidents are entirely

fixed stairgates at the top and bottom

l hold a hot drink

avoidable. Read on to see how you

of staircases.

can help prevent mishaps at home. THE

40 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

and your child at the same time

matches and lighters in easy sight and

Putting prams and pushchairs to the test

always start with cold

reach, and fix a fireguard in front of any

Any pram or

l use the front hotplates on your

open fireplaces. To avoid accidental

pushchair –

fires, ensure cigarettes are completely

whether new or

l leave your child alone in the bathroom, even for a few seconds

Don’t play with fire Fires of all sorts pose one of the

l leave hot drinks within easy reach

greatest risks to children so never leave

l run hot water into a bath first –

stove unless necessary l leave curling tongs, a hot iron

extinguished and fix at least one smoke

used – must comply

and hair straightener in easy

alarm and check it regularly. For extra

with British Standard

reach.

safety, decide on an appropriate escape

7409. It is easy to spot

route in case of fire.

this on new ones but

Top toys

trickier on hand-me-

Most toys are age-labelled but

Watch out for rock and roll

downs. Oxfordshire County

it’s good to know what to look

Newborns learn to roll very quickly so

Council’s Trading Standards

out for, just in case. Remember:

never leave a baby alone on a bed –

department advises to look

l babies put everything into

even if they are in the middle of it and

out for the following warning

far away from the edges – as they can

signs:

roll off and risk concussion or worse

l sharp edges or points

from the fall to the floor. Similarly, never

l instability in some or all

their mouths so avoid small things that they could either swallow or choke on, such as

leave your baby alone on a nappy-

directions

buttons, coins,

changing table, even if the sides are

l a poor parking brake

stones, etc

high.

l heavy wear on wheel edges.

l check that dolls don’t have easily removable parts l look at labels on toys to see that they are suitable for your child’s age l very noisy toys could damage your baby’s hearing.

Further information

Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA): www.rospa.com Oxfordshire County Council’s Trading Standards Department: www.oxfordshire.gov.uk Child Accident Prevention Trust: www.capt.org.uk Emergency family first aid - 2 hour courses held in local communities in Oxfordshire: www.thamestraining.co.uk

OXFORDSHIRE 41

THE

teddies and

baby and parenting guide

fun

in the

sun

No one wants to stay indoors when the sun is shining so make sure you know how to stay safe in the sun with your little one!

e get such horrid

The Sunsmart Safety Code

to protect your face, neck and

winter weather

Oxfordshire County Council’s Trading

shoulders

that it’s no surprise

Standards department has published

that we want to

details of the Sunsmart Safety Code

spend every second in the sun when

to protect people from the dangers

we do actually see it. Children’s skin

of burning:

in particular is very delicate and can

l Avoid the sun at its strongest

be easily burnt and damaged by the sun, even if they appear to tan easily. Those at most risk have fair or red hair, pale eyes and freckles, and babies six months and under should be kept out of direct sunlight altogether, especially during the hottest time of the day.

THE

42 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

(11am–3pm) l Sit or play in the shade as much as possible l Be extra careful with babies’ and children’s skin l Wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses with UV protection

l Cover up with cool, loose-fitting clothes l Never use a sunscreen lower than SPF15 on yourself or your child l If there are any unusual changes in your skin or your child’s see a doctor as soon as possible l Drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids and eat ice lollies to keep hydrated.

Sunscreens – the facts

shoulders, nose, ears, cheeks and

clothes on your children when

Sunscreens help protect us from the

the tops of feet. They are easy

they’re not in the water

sun’s harmful rays if you use them

to overlook but they burn very

properly:

quickly.

l Apply sunscreen at least 30

l Wraparound sunglasses offer great protection as they protect the eyes from all angles from the sun. You

minutes before going out in the

Take care with clothing

don’t need to buy an expensive

sun

Always cover up during the hottest

brand either: just ensure that

time of day and when you feel your

whatever you choose offers proper

and after getting wet, even if the

skin has had enough:

UV protection.

bottle says it’s waterproof

l Choose loose-fitting cotton or

l Apply a teaspoon for a baby, a dessert spoon for a child l Cheaper sunscreens are just as effective as expensive ones as long as they have the required SPF

linen clothes, which are cool and comfortable to wear l Children should wear baggy clothes that have a close weave l Lighter-coloured clothing reflects

protection and protect against

the sun’s rays away from you and is

UVA and UVB rays

cooler than darker colours

l Gentler and unscented brands are perfect for delicate skins l Apply sunscreen on the

l Clothes can stretch when wet and lose up to 50% of their UV protection, so always put dry

Furtherinformation Oxfordshire Trading Standards: www.oxfordshire.gov.uk Cancer Research UK’s Sunsmart Campaign: www.sunsmart.org.uk

OXFORDSHIRE 43

THE

l Reapply sunscreen every two hours

baby and parenting guide

omestic abuse is officially

issue is if the woman (or man) must change

If the pattern of abuse continues a child

a crime – and not always

the way in which they behave because

potentially could also show the following:

against women: some men

they are frightened of what might happen

are victims too. Worryingly

otherwise. The following are other clues:

nearly a third of domestic abuse begins in pregnancy and often, where there is domestic abuse, you can be certain that there will be child abuse. However, victims often do not report it for a variety of reasons, including: l guilt – they feel they are to blame l love – they love their partner so much that they hope they will change l fear – they worry their partner’s violence may become worse if they report them l homelessness – they fear they will be forced to leave their home l finances – they worry about not managing financially without their partner’s income.

Why does it happen?

l lack of self-confidence l feeling overprotective of the parents

l the abusive partner acts jealous and possessive l attempts to stop her from seeing friends and family l can be very nice one minute and

who’s the victim l losing respect for the parent who’s the victim l depression and other mental health disorders

threatening the next – sudden mood

l disruptive behaviour at school

changes

l inability to form relationships with friends

l he says what she should wear, who she

l running away from home.

should see, and how much money she

These effects don’t just stop at childhood

can spend

either. They can carry on into their adult

l he frequently insults and criticises her in front of other people l he tries to frighten her to make her do what he wants l he always puts her down and says she can’t do anything without him l he will threaten to hurt other people close

lives, profoundly affecting their relationships with others, either turning them into victims or abusers, thereby continuing the cycle of abuse. They will have learnt, from experience, that violence is how problems are resolved, that people cannot be trusted (even – or perhaps especially – those closest

to her if she leaves or tells anyone.

to them), and that they are responsible for

There are all sorts of reasons why domestic

You can read more about the signs and

any violent act that happens in their lives.

abuse happens but usually it is because the

what to do on www.refuge.org.uk.

abuser needs to feel that they have power

What you can do

over the other family members. This could

Children suffer too

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, or

be because they were abused themselves

Unfortunately the longer you stay in

know someone who is, then it is essential

when they were a child or at least witnessed

an abusive relationship, the greater the

that you seek help as soon as possible. It

it happening at home. There is help and

psychological and physical damage not only

can be difficult and frightening to do so,

support out there though for those at risk of

to you but to your children. Even if they are

especially if you are being abused; many

becoming abusers.

not experiencing physical violence against

victims leave several times but return again

them they will be hurt by what they are

until they realise they need to get away

seeing and hearing in the home. Typical signs

for good. A good idea is to start talking to

of distress amongst younger children include:

people you trust – your GP, health visitor,

Warning signs Women often don’t know that they are – or are at risk of being – abused because of

friends and family if possible. Inform your

general lack of knowledge. National charity

l f earfulness

child’s school of what’s going on. And make

Refuge has come up with some helpful

lb edwetting

a Safety Plan which you can use if you need

warning signs that you can look out for, in

l v iolent behaviour

to get out fast. Speak to local women’s

your relationships or in those of friends or

l i nability to concentrate (e.g. at school)

refuges for advice and support. In an

family for which you are worried. The key

lb ehavioural problems.

emergency, call the police.

THE

44 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Don’t shake your baby If your baby is crying endlessly, through colic, illness or other difficulties, it is both wearing and frustrating for you. The feeling of helplessness can be very stressful and sometimes this threatens to push you over the top, even if you are normally a patient and calm person. However, it is vital that you never shake a young child: doing so could cause brain damage or even death, as the blood vessels connecting the brain and skull are torn. If you ever do feel on the verge of shaking l Put your baby down in their cot and walk out of the room to calm down. l Count to ten to try to focus your attention away from your anger. l Ask someone else to look after the baby for a while so you can have a break – a trusted neighbour if no one else is at home with you. l Call a helpline (see opposite box) to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. l Once you have calmed down, go for a walk or a drive. Fresh air and a change of scene can do wonders. l Try using a dummy to see if that calms your baby.

Local and national sources of help Childline: 0800 1111, www.childline.org.uk Men’s Advice Line (for male victims of domestic abuse): 0808 801 0327, www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php National Domestic Violence 24-hour helpline: 0808 2000 247, www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk Oxfordshire Safeguarding Children Board: 01865 810628, www.oscb.org.uk Police (non-emergency): 0845 8 505 505 Police (emergency): 999 Reducing the Risk: Oxfordshire Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 731 0055, www.reducingtherisk.org.uk (hosted by Oxfordshire County Council) Refuge: 0808 2000 247, www.refuge.org.uk RESPECT: (for potential abusers seeking help) 0845 122 8609, www.respect.uk.net Women’s Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk

OXFORDSHIRE 45

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your baby, try the following:

baby and parenting guide

The Oxfordshire Museum

Set in the historic town of Woodstock, the Oxfordshire Museum tells the story of Oxfordshire through 11 galleries and many exhibitions featuring history, popular culture, contemporary arts and crafts throughout the year. Admission is free.

The Oxfordshire Museum Park Street, Woodstock, OX20 1SN 01993 811456 oxon.museum@oxfordshire.gov.uk

THE

46 OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Pop in for a cup of tea... What exactly are children’s centres? Children’s Centres are one stop shops for all young children with their mums dads childminders and other carers. They are a place to play and have fun with your children, to get information, advice, support and good company. Some centres also provide childcare.

Where is my nearest centre? To find out your nearest centre you can search online at: www.oxonchildrenscentres.org.uk or phone Oxfordshire Family Information Service on 08452 26 26 36

“I’m a regular Dad on Saturday - it’s a brilliant way to give my wife a break and spend time with other dads to compare notes. The Cabin is always a pleasure for my kids who love the activities.” Parent at North Banbury Children’s Centre “What I like most is the feeling of openness and friendliness.” Parent at Grandpont Children’s Centre THE

OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

THE

OXFORDSHIRE

baby and parenting guide

Published by Crystal Publications - 01925 486445 ÂŠ 2010 Designed by Oxfordshire County Councilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Communications, Marketing and Public Affairs Unit - designandprint@oxfordshire.gov.uk Copywriter: Sam Pope - sampope@wordperfect.demon.co.uk

Oxfordshire County Council makes no representation, express or implied, in respect of the accuracy of the advertisements in this publication and cannot accept any legal responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions that may be made. The production of this booklet was funded entirely by money raised from advertising sales.

Alternative formats of this publication can be made available on request. These include other languages, large print, Braille, Easy Read, CD, computer disc or email. Please telephone 0845 129 5900.