Today’s CAROLINIAN
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Photo by Dorothy Lee
USC Tops 2017 Board Exams Jayvee Gulfan The University of San Carlos has made nationwide headlines as its students and graduates top multiple board and licensure exams nationwide. Ms. Karen Mae Calam, at 31 years of age, placed first in the 115th bar exam. Her fellow Carolinian graduates: Ms. Fiona Christy Lao, Ms. Anne Margaret Momongan and Mr. Jefferson Gomez captured the third, seventh and eighth place, respectively. In addition, the university got a 100 percent passing rate due to all 69 Carolinian first time takers passing the exam. In light of this feat, University President, Fr. Dionisio M. Miranda SVD, celebrated a thanksgiving mass together with the graduates and their parents, the faculty of the Department of Law, and some alumni. This was held at the university’s chapel last May 9.
In an interview, the dean of the School of Law and Governance (SLG), Atty. Joan S. Largo, envisions the SLG to continue to embody the Carolinian spirit of academic excellence. She stated that the teachers are just as motivated and determined to train students that could someday contribute to the betterment of the country. A few weeks later, the results came out for the Certified Public Accountant (CPA) Licensure Exam, with six Carolinians announced as top-notchers. At the first spot were Vianca Pearl Amores and Marianito Jesus Del Rio with an average of 92.67, second with Jessa Bermudo with 92.50, fourth with Alyanna Kate Buenavista and Maaku Saito with 91.83, and at 10th is Christiemay Vertudazo with a solid score of 90. Most recently, Carolinian Wayne Lorenz Tandingan placed first in the nationwide Chemical Engineering Licensure Exam on May 30 with an average of 85.20. TC
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Today’s CAROLINIAN
NEWS
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
Uson Appointed as PCOO ASec Jet Mangubat Celebrity blogger Margaux “Mocha” Uson, known for her staunch support for President Rodrigo Duterte, has been appointed as an assistant secretary of the Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO). Uson’s appointment paper, dated on May 8, 2017, was released by Malacañang Palace last May 23, 2017. The appointment paper, addressed to Uson, stated that: “Pursuant to the provisions of existing laws, you are hereby appointed assistant secretary, Presidential Communications Operations Office. “By virtue thereof, you may qualify and enter upon the performance of the duties of the office, furnishing this office and the Civil Service Commission of copies of your oath office.”
Photograph by Joan Bondoc / Inquirer Presidential Communications Secretary Martin Andanar confirmed that Uson will handle the social media aspect of the government’s communication office. Malacañang has yet to give the details of Uson’s tasks as the newly-appointed assistant secretary of PCOO, the office responsible for handling media affairs. Prior to her role as assistant secretary, Uson was appointed as a board member of the Movie and Television Review and Classification Board (MTRCB) in January 2017, with her term expiring on Sept. 30, 2017. At that time, Communications
Secretary Martin Andanar cited Uson’s influence as a blogger and experience as an artist, when he was asked about her qualifications. Executive Secretary Salvaor Medialdea said Mocha Uson’s position at the MTRCB “is deemed relinquished due to her new post as assistant secretary of PCOO.” President Rodrigo Duterte admitted that it was his idea to appoint Uson as PCOO assistant secretary, saying, “There’s nothing wrong with the woman, the girl. She’s bright. She’s articulate.” TC
BRT Pushes Through; Other Transits Eyed By Private Companies Joen Jacob Ramas Amid several issues bombarding its construction , coupled with private companies interested in developing monorail or light rail transit systems in the metro, the Cebu City government assured citizens that the Cebu Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) System is a go. To wit, the BRT is a PHP 10.6 billion project by the Cebu City government, spearheaded by city mayor Tomas Osmeña. It is a 21.5 km. stretch from Barangay Bulacao in the south to Barangay Talamban in the north. Catering to a projected 330,000 daily passengers, BRT will have 33 bus stations and 176 buses scattered all around the metro.
Photograph courtesy of SunStar Cebu
However, this initiative by Osmeña also had its issues, the most notorious of which was the cutting down of more than 2,100 trees along the BRT routes. The issue was then cleared by the Cebu
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City government, saying that of the said number, 1,900 trees will be earthballed — a term referring to the transfer of mature trees while keeping their roots intact, and the rest will be cut down. Private companies are also starting to express interest in constructing monorail and light rail transit systems around the metro. Philtram Transportation
NEWS
Consortium, Inc., the company conducting project feasibility studies around the metro, would like to build a Dualmode Mono-Rail Tourtransit (DTR), the fare of which will cost only Php 10 in all of its routes. On the other hand, CEDCO Engineers, the company responsible for project feasibility studies and boring along V. Rama Avenue, would
Today’s CAROLINIAN
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also like to build a Light Rail Transit (LRT) which will cover routes from Talisay City to Consolacion in its first line. Whether or not the DRT and LRT push through depends on economic, social and political elements, to name a few; however, the BRT is definitely underway. TC
Illustration by Eduard Jude Jamolin
Trump Reveals Classified Intel to Russia Raizah Bagul President of the United States Donald Trump revealed classified information from Israel to Sergey V. Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister, and Sergey I. Kislyak, the Russian ambassador to the United States, during a meeting at the Oval Office last May 10. The intelligence, categorized as “codeword information,” one of the highest classified levels, was about an ISIS plot to bomb airplanes using laptops. The Post’s source, former and current US officials, also said that the partner had
not given Trump permission to reveal the information to Russia. Although White House officials denied that any talk about “intelligence sources or methods” took place, they did not mention the Islamic State plot itself. Trump, on the other hand, took to Twitter on May 15 to tweet that he had the “absolute right” to release classified intelligence. Meanwhile, the readout of the meeting showed an absence of any topic concerning terrorist threats.
The president has the power to disclose classified information he deems necessary to share, thus making his revelation legal; but doing so may damage intelligencesharing relationships since it can compromise and endanger the primary source of the information. Due to the recent fiasco, Trump inadvertently exposed himself to attacks from the public on his ability as the president to protect vital secrets – even prompting an article published by Vox on how to impeach him. TC
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Today’s CAROLINIAN
MAIN OPINION
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
Blind Love Makes Your Lover Perfect
Illustration by Eduard Jude Jamolin Many different things can go viral on social media --- a weeping, heartbroken teenager’s picture, a celebrity’s insensitive post, an article on the president’s declaration of martial law. Any of these can spark dispute among netizens and compel keyboard warriors to take up arms and attack with their spontaneous wordplay over social media. Nothing, however, brings more fuss than posts about political issues, especially those involving President Rodrigo Duterte. It’s not so much that, as president, everyone has his eye on him, so everybody talks about every little thing he does. It’s not even his notorious unbridled tongue that sends people hot on his heels. The trouble comes from the reactions of his supporters and their undying, blind admiration of everything about Tatay Digong.
good points, he is not perfect, and that is something some of his fans fail to see. Browsing through the comments section of any post that involves the president, arguments for and against the issue being shared are expressed in so many words. More often, comments directed against the president and his actions are attacked by his supporters who sometimes throw in foul name-calling to the person who wrote the comment. These people insist that the rest of the Filipino people must always support Duterte because he is the president of our country and he only wants what’s best for the Philippines.
From something as simple as his idea to appoint Mocha Uson as PCOO Assistant Secretary to his recent controversial rape joke, diehard Duterte supporters defend him at all costs from anybody who so much as implies that the president erred in his decisions.
As much as objectivity requires any critic to try to understand the Duterte supporters’ take on issues, their arguments are sometimes unreasonable attacks against the person who tried to question their idol. Instead of posting an argument to support and defend the principle behind Duterte’s choices and activities, they use unrelated opinions that do nothing to help the other person understand what they’re fighting for. It is one thing to defend and argue about principles and ideas; it is another thing entirely to personally attack your opponent.
In the eyes of the supporters who love him so much, President Duterte is seemingly infallible. However, while the president has
There has never been a question on the president’s love for our nation. It is there in the way he reassures the anxious; it is there
in the way he expresses acceptance of his responsibility in the consequences his actions for the country. This, however, does not diminish the right of the Filipino people to critique him and his administration if they wish to do so. Duterte is our president and we are all affected by anything he does. Any logical person should have a questioning mind on how some things are being run especially since our leader is rather unconventional. Just because he is president, doesn’t mean he can openly violate the constitution and not hear a peep from the Filipino people. Just because he can declare martial law anytime, doesn’t mean he can joke about rape, the most undignified thing anyone can suffer. Just because he can give a former sexy star a seat in the government, doesn’t mean everyone should be comfortable about it. Just because some people don’t blindly follow whatever he says, doesn’t mean they plan to remove him from office. Open your eyes. He may be impressive, but he is not perfect. Blind love will only bring unforeseen misfortune. Nevertheless, freedom of speech is a constitutional right. Still, people should learn to use it better. TC
OPINION
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Jeepney Fare ≠ Boobs
Patricia May Compra
The jeepney, despite being the undisputed king of the road, has been a venue for peeping toms and perverts to feast with their eyes and hands. This mainly includes the bouncing bosom of a woman.
button up or v-neck clothing, with a help of a little breeze the eyes just happen to look down greedily at your knockers and remain there for the duration of the jeepney ride. And yet silence seems to be the only option.
Ladies have been there — scenarios such as the pretend reach-for-something move that makes one wonder how deep a man needs to dig into his pocket, with his arm bent just at the level of your chest… and he just happens to accidentally take a quick poke at your lady orbs using his elbow.
“It is the woman’s fault that she gets harassed.” Twenty percent of men and 27 percent of women agreed to this based on a survey GMA conducted in 2016. In fact, three in five women have experienced sexual harassment once in their lifetime, of which 58% comes from on-road experiences. Not only does our culture let a man feel he’s entitled to a woman’s body but the victim blaming is
Sometimes it need not be physical. Whatever you wear,
strongly felt. Even RA 7877 which battles sexual harassment fails to reach relevance to something as simple as a jeepney ride. Generally, the solution to this is to not only give a quick response to the problem but also to bring out structural change in our society where equality is practiced not only in opportunities and portrayal of roles, but also with respect. It may take a long time, but one can only hope. Change is coming, they say, and in times like this we can’t do anything but believe that it will. TC
We Don’t Need You The backlash that followed the viral Atlantic piece “My Family’s Slave” targeted the way we Filipinos perpetuate the so-called “slave culture” in our country. Most of this stems from nonFilipinos, Westerners and angry white people who have no idea as to where the yaya or katabang narrative originated in the Philippines.
Zarah Louise Majam
It is appropriate to rebuke us Filipinos for the type of abuse displayed in the story. However, it is another thing for them to talk as if they know first-handedly the history of helpers in this country. The situation and circumstances of our poverty-stricken nation
unfortunately encourage people to get these kinds of jobs as a means of livelihood, further contributing to a cycle that has existed for centuries. From a Filipino perspective, having a Westerner ask whether we are now “O.K. with slave narratives as long as a minority is helming the whip,” as John Bonazzo accused in an Observer article, puts into question how they view us. To be honest, it sounds like they’re lecturing us about a culture they have no idea about. I am not saying that we must continue to perpetuate this culture. Rather, I am encouraging
us to tackle this issue on our own without the help of entitled white people. I like to believe that as a society, we are very much capable of addressing and fixing this issue. We must continue to be aware of the problems in our culture, which of course, we can do with the aid of proper discourse and acknowledgement as catalysts. Simply put, we don’t need a Westerner seizing this process from us. TC
We Owe It To Ourselves It has become an annual occurrence for USC to top board examinations. This year, USC has once again made history with its recent record-breaking Top 1s in the Bar, Certified Public Accountant (CPA) and Chemical Engineering Licensure Exams. Fueled by social media, the university’s triple feat became the center of attention.
Paolo Louis Manghihilot
The pressure is on, as some may say. However, do we really need to pressure ourselves to be top-notchers like them? Do we have to be the best because we are bearing USC’s brand of education?
According to Douglas R. Conant in his article “3 Important Reasons Why Pressure is a Privilege,” pressure pushes us at the edge of our comfort zone so that instead of thinking about our discomforts, it draws us to be in the situation and neglect hesitations. It tests our abilities to rise and thrive amidst adversity. However, in our everyday struggles in the university, we are constantly being fed with pressure from exams, deadlines and expectations of all sorts. We have gone through enough of this pressure. It is our choice to use that amount of pressure to work
on being the people we want to be. Being “on top” can be being on top of our hesitations and apprehensions such as passing a subject or the course itself. With all the recognition the university has garnered, we shouldn’t be forced to be the best in the name of this institution. We do our best for ourselves because it is our will and not anybody else’s. We may owe a part of our journey to the university, but the biggest portion of it we owe to ourselves. TC
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OPINION
Today’s CAROLINIAN
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
Birdcage Blues Whether it’s a crux of your course’s description or not, finance and budgeting are some of the biggest headaches a university has to face, be it at the student, departmental or administrative level. With all the changes Cebu makes on a daily basis, so too does the school have to adapt to its constantly-shifting surroundings.
Paolo Perez
It’s completely expected, then, that there are some tough choices that have to be made. However, in the process, we risk losing the things that exam scores and new equipment can’t give us: character. Take,
for example, the recent closure of the USC Symphonic Band, the most recent casualty in the wake of the change engulfing our country. After 54 years of performances for the university, the band was recently shut down — ironically, to almost no fanfare.
of USC’s recent colossal successes wasn’t enough, dormers are facing additional pressure in organizing their own living situations.
Even the dormitory, the place many students call home, is not exempt from being cut. Recent changes have dormers struggling to fill vacancies on their own, without the assistance of their office, lest they be saddled with additional expenses. As if the burden of studying in the shadow
Perhaps as a result of our university’s chart-topping performance in nationwide board and bar exams, it seems as though academics has eclipsed any other aspect of student life. Like birds locked in cages, we are being displayed proudly. Sadly, to do so, it feels as though our wings are being clipped — and with that, how can we ever reach the new heights expected of us? TC
Deliberately, the suspension of the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus was rational and can be backed by solid facts. The safety of innocent civilians needs to be upheld as countless lives have already been taken. Furthermore, the Constitution provides the power and limitations of using such provision.
interpretations of his words. Most recently, he said that he might extend martial law to the entire country if needed. Because the administration right now has a superbloc party that controls both the House of Representatives and the Senate, the principle of checks and balances is highly questioned.
In the following days, it is crucial for us to be vigilant and observant if it has been used within its bounds. I, for one, am in favor of the proclamation of martial law in Mindanao, but the President’s speeches since the campaign period has long since left his allies to provide different
Considering the current situation, as long as martial law is only enacted in Mindanao and the principle of checks and balances is preserved, then martial law is highly needed.
Proclamation No. 216 On May 23, 2017, hours after the siege of Marawi City by extremists from the Maute and Abu Sayyaf groups, allegedly ISIS sympathizers, President Rodrigo Duterte placed the whole island of Mindanao under Martial Law. This decision has been polarizing, especially on the internet — people either agree or disagree with the president’s decision.
Christian Rey Camay
Under Article 7 of the 1987 Constitution , “… In case of invasion or rebellion, when the public safety requires it, he [President] may, for a period not exceeding sixty days, suspend the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus or place the Philippines or any part thereof under martial law.”
For now, we must stay vigilant. We must stay observant. TC
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FEATURE
Today’s CAROLINIAN
VANTAGE POINT Mary Elizah Castillo
Photo by Inquirer / Lyn Rillon The ad interim appointment of Gina Lopez as Department of Environment and Natural Resources (DENR) was formally rejected by the Commission on Appointments (CA) after three confirmation hearings last Wednesday, May 3. Sen. Manny Pacquiao, head of the commission’s committee on environment and natural resources, announced that the decision was carried out through secret balloting voting 168. “Many of us were uncertain that she had the minimum qualifications for the job. In the end, we decided that something as important as this environmental job should not be left in untested hands, said Sen. Ronaldo Zamora.” Gina Lopez’s rejection now serves as a vantage point leading up to more significant events. A REJECTION OF CHANGE “The rejection of Gina Lopez is a rejection of change. Her rejection as DENR Secretary by the CA is very disappointing and worrying, and shows how destructive industries continue to hold Philippine lawmakers by their necks. The greed of the powerful few has won this round, but we consider this a temporary setback. We at the environmental movement will carry on boldly, for our rights, our environment, and our future, said Yeb Saño, Executive Director of Greenpeace Southeast Asia.”
Through her rejection, environment advocates will only push for more urgent environmental issues, such as stopping the proliferation of coal; arresting coastal reclamation; the need for a pollution release and transfer registry (PRTR); addressing plastic pollution; wildlife trafficking; waste importation and the ratification of the Basel Ban Amendment. MINING STOCKS SOAR Apex Mining, Benguet Corporation, A and B shares and Oriental Peninsula Resources, surged by 18.24 percent, 15 percent and 13.19 percent, respectively. Bright Kindle Resources rose by 12 percent and Marcventures Holdings Inc. gained 4.06 percent. Lepanto Consolidated edged higher by 8.42 percent while affiliate Manila Mining rose by 8.33 percent. The Chamber of Mines of the Philippines (COMP) thanked for the CA’s decision. Numerous mining advocates also agreed that Lopez’s campaign on mining had impacted global commodity prices. One of which is the price of nickel and copper in which Philippines is the world’s biggest supplier of both. TC
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Today’s CAROLINIAN
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
HOW TO APPLY: Writers need to take the written exam on July 14-15 at the Today’s Carolinian Downtown and Talamban Campus Offices. Photographers need to send their portfolio consisting of at least 5 photos. Illustrators need to send their portfolio consisting of 5 to 10 illustrations. Layout artists and graphic designers need to send their portfolio consisting of at least 5 works. Videographers need to send a 2 to 3-minute Demo reel. Online correspondents should message our Facebook page to express their interest and submit their complete name and contact number. All submissions should be emailed to todayscarolinianusc@gmail.com. Included in the email should be your complete name and contact number.
Deadline of submissions: July 17, 2017
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FEATURE
Today’s CAROLINIAN
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
MOVING FORWARD Transition Period A.Y. 2018-2019 Stephanie Camille Samonte
Photo by Nikki Jabel and Jessa Marie Pedrola
“Honor the space between no longer and not yet.” – Nancy Levin Moving on is a big part of life. It’s the steps that we take away from failure. It’s the words that we tell ourselves when we face a bitter breakup. It’s the veil that comforts us when our grief is too painful and it’s the force that catapults us towards success. Yet, before we can fully move on towards greener pastures we need to ask ourselves – How will I adjust to new challenges? The answer is by having a transition period. Having this before stepping towards change, allows us to improve from the old and innovate into the new. The university itself will undergo its own transition period for A.Y. 2018-2019 as the Commission on Higher Education continues its prospect of revamping the educational system. Thus, for us to adjust to the changes that come with it, we should be aware of our roles in this endeavor. Our first role is to be informed. One of the most notable changes brought about this period is the calendar shift. This planned shift in the academic calendar comes in the heels of the on-going trend of local universities such as UP and UST adopting the same calendar of other ASEAN nations and other countries worldwide. This agenda was forged with the intention of synchronizing the academic calendar with these countries in order to increase opportunities for exchange programs and for local universities to be more competitive on a global scale. Also, since the university will be opening its doors to a new crop of freshmen after a two year drought, this calendar shift would facilitate freshmen enrolment as it would allow a four month window for the incoming freshmen to prepare for their new curriculum in college.
Now that we are more informed of the things we need to prepare for during this period, we now must know how to prepare to these changes. This leads us to our second role – being able to adapt. The planned June to August calendar shift will be a trimester, so it is expected that schedules are adjusted to cater this change in curriculum. On a positive note, this system would allow students to finish their studies in less time because subjects will be more evenly paced. On the other hand, adapting a new calendar would mean possible tuition fee increase in order to facilitate alignment with international standards. It would also affect the schedules of licensure exams and they have to be adjusted to compliment the new academic schedule. We also have to brave a more rigorous college experience as each trimester will overlap with the wet and dry season. This would mean that we will be spending the first two semesters under heavy rainfall while another under the glare of the sun. Good thing we have air-conditioned classrooms right? Having the foresight of what to expect from this transition period, our last role is to have an open mind. By doing so, we could see the possibilities this could bring to improve the quality of education not just in our own university but in our country as a whole. Bear in mind that this transition period was designed because it can revolutionize our college experience and albeit its need for fine-tuning, it has the potential to propel us in the right direction. We just got to have the courage to take the wheel. TC
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LITERARY
Today’s CAROLINIAN
To Inay: Kaye Diamos
Illustration by Jon Ahmed Durano
Dear Inay, It’s been a long time since I’ve last written. Sorry about that. This is the only time that I got to rest. Anyway, how are you? Is Itay treating you well? Are Ate Maria and Kuya Carding behaving well while I’m not around? Give my regards to them. I miss you all so much. I should let you know that I’ve been feeling great, hungry and tired but great. I became so dedicated to be a part of this life that I overcame all hardships thrown at me by my higher-ranking bosses during my years of training. I have never felt so alive. When the day came for us to actually go out into the field, I felt such a rush of excitement that I was literally running across camp to pack up my things. That feeling lasted for days while all of us were stopping by other camps to load our guns and explosives. Sometimes, we go on for days without food and water, and we’re oftentimes overworked because of the amount of weaponry we have to load every day, but don’t worry. I was trained for this, remember? After all, what we’ll get after this is definitely worth all the work. Inay, I know you constantly worry for me but you raised me to fight for what I think is right, and here I am now preparing to fight alongside my comrades against the men the government has sent. Tomorrow, Inay, we will finally be facing them. This is not killing; this is living the beliefs that our family upheld, that you and Itay fought for. Ate Maria and Kuya Carding’s deaths will not be in vain, I assure you. Anyway, I think this is goodbye for now. Guide me always. I might not get to see the next sunrise. I’ll be a bit sad about not being able to see this movement through, but then I’d get to be with all of you again, and that would mean the world to me. Rest well, Inay. I’ll wake you up when I’m home. Your son, Rolando TC
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Today’s CAROLINIAN
LITERARY
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
The Beached Mermaid Ynaro San Juan
Illustration by Justine Patrice Bacareza The glaring rays of the high noon sun beat down upon the deep blue sea. A flock of seagulls squawked in symphony, sounding like dirges to their water-borne prey below the surface. The village fishermen had taken to further waters in their small bamboo boats to net themselves the bounty of the sea.
bobbed to the surface, a great grey sea-fowl with a wickedly long beak perched upon it for a second before taking off in flight.
The mermaids were beaching again.
Paolo got the deckhands manning the ship’s crane to lift the siren’s corpse a slight way from the water, so that he could take a better look at her face. It was a long, handsome face which could only be described as “otherworldly” in the fantastical sense that provoked images of fairies and unicorns. It was looser now in that weird dead way, and her eyes had paled over, staring at nothing, yet this did little to diminish her beauty. Her hair was long and black, with seaweed tangled in the mess of it.
Paolo pulled her in for inspection while the other sailors on a boat opposite to his roped her remains to keep her steady. The mermaid was long dead and blackened blood seeped out from her rotting gills, fogging up the water. It was never a good sign when mermaids beached themselves, the old folks would say. Something was driving them from their homes in the deep blue to shallow water, but what that was is anyone’s guess. The poor girl had been found on a beach by fishermen from a local village at dawn. She was barely alive by then, gasping and wide-eyed. Her long, smooth fingers clutched at the sand so feebly, and several of the onlookers had sworn that she was pulling herself further and further away from the water. When she had become too weak to move, they took some rollers and helped her back into the water, but by then it was too late for her. She was bleeding out too profusely, and the fishermen could only do what little they could to ease her pain and gently bring her into her last watery slumber. She was a big girl, as were all mermaids. Her torso alone was about three meters around, and more than a hundred feet from head to tail. She had such lovely scales, navy matte blue from far away, whereupon closer inspection revealed them to be a deep and shining azure. When part of her lengthy tail
This was the fifth mermaid in two weeks. Not exactly a good omen to the more superstitious folks of the village.
What struck Paolo the most, though, was the terrible look upon her face. The last four mermaids found had their eyes clamped tightly shut and were already dead, but she had hers open. Paolo called to one of the sailors on the adjacent vessel to prepare a clamp and blades. He could remove her eyes and bring them back to the lab at the marine base, maybe find out if she caught a glimpse of what had scared her. He didn’t like the act. It felt like desecration, but they had to know if there was possibly any more of these beachings or if something else from the mermaids’ ends of the deep was coming. Someone else could harvest her if they deemed worthy. All Paolo could do was rub her cheek, apologize, and get to work while occasionally casting an eye to the dark blue horizon every so often. TC
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LITERARY
Today’s CAROLINIAN
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Customer Service Paolo Perez
Illustration by Eduard Jude Jamolin [[click]] “Hello?” “Hello…?” “Hi, I need to return this face.” “Return- return what?” “My face. I need to return it. Or if I can send it in to get it fixed, that’d be great too. This is the number for that, right?” “Well… yes, but there’s no way you should have it. As far as you should be concerned, this line doesn’t exist.” “Well, I do. And I’m not happy.” “I… Let me start again. How can I help you?” “This face isn’t working right.” “How long have you had it, sir?” “Around nineteen years. Close to twenty.” “Can you describe your problems?” “Oh, I’m not unhappy with the design, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think the mouth works right. I’ve been trying to use the smile and it just… doesn’t work.” “Are you unable to smile?” “No, I can do it, but it comes out wrong. At least, I think it does compared to everyone else I’ve talked to, and they got their faces from the same supplier. Does the warranty cover that?” “We don’t offer a warranty, sir.” “Shoot. Well, anyway, out of curiosity, do you have a lowermaintenance model available?” “Lower… maintenance?” “Yeah, I have to clean the hair off this one every three days and it’s a pain to wash.” “Oh, that sounds normal. It’s part of the regular upkeep, sir. It’s in page five of your user manual. I can send you a PDF if you lost your copy.” “No, I figured out how to do it a while back. My friend doesn’t have the same problem with his so I was wondering if mine was defective.” “System compatibility and mileage varies by user, sir. Completely expected, if not exactly convenient. You have our apologies, but unfortunately that’s all I’m authorized to give you.” “I’ll take it. Can I ask one last question?” “Certainly, sir.” “The eyes don’t work right. They keep leaking.” “That’s… very sad, sir.” “I mean, even I know that’s supposed to happen, but it’s been occurring almost daily recently. And I don’t know how to get it to stop. I’ve been more or less letting it run its course until it runs out naturally, but that’s taking time out of my day.” “May I ask for your occupational details?” “Occupation? None. I’m a university student. This has been going on for the last year and a half.” “I think I see the problem, sir. Our official troubleshooting manual recommends liberal application of ethyl alcohol.” “External?” “No. God, no. Oral. If that problem persists, feel free to contact me again.” “Sounds like a plan. Thanks!” “You’re welcome, sir.” [[click]] “… Thank God he didn’t ask for the return address.” TC
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COMICS
Today’s CAROLINIAN
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1
CTTO by Karez Capa
HOROSCOPE aquarius
libra
scorpio
gemini
This month, muduol ang usa ka producer nimo kay himuon daw kag artista. As in back double ni Liza Soberano kay from behind ra daw ka gwapa.
Ayaw ug kaguol if di kaayo maayo imong academic performance these past few days. Bag-o pa ta nagsugod. There will be more failures to come.
Kung naa kay masugatan nga tao nga stressed kaayog nawng nga murag nag padung maghikog, amigaha intawn. Kay mao kana siya imong guardian angel, hagbay ra gikapoy sig tan-aw sa imong kabuang.
Kabaw ko ang gihatag sa imong mama para advance sa tuition wa nimo gibayad. HALA SIGE PAG DATE2X LANG DIRA KAY MAKA-GRADUATE MAN JUD KA ANA.
Lucky Color: Hair ni Mocha Uson black Lucky Color: USC uniform off-white
Lucky Color: Egg Waffle Orange Lucky Color: Modess Blue
taurus
aries
cancer
capricorn
Mahagbong kag kadaghan throughout your undergrad life. Hate kas imong teachers, ijudge kas imong super smart classmates. In the future, ikaw pa jud ang 1% nga di kapasar sa board. PERO OKAY RA NA KAY INIG REUNION IKAW ANG PINAKADATO #MoneyIsEverything
Ma-teacher nasad nimo this AY ang imong least favorite teacher. Pero this time, i-flat 1 naka niya. Naluoy na siya kay katulo nadaw nimong take atong subjeka.
Sala nimo tanan nga nahitabo sa kalibutan karon. Meaning, sala nimo why grabe ang achievements sa mga USC alumni nowadays. Congrats!
Naay muduol nimo nga grabe ka-sexy karon. Lami kaayog katawa, nindot kaayog barog. Musturya siya nimo nya muingon, “Abli imong zipper”
Lucky Color: Ginabot brown Lucky Color: Chinese Ngohiong Font Red
Lucky Color: Cheeks ni crush pink
Lucky Color: Silogan ni Gian Green
Sagittarius
Virgo
pisces
leo
Makita kas TV within this month. Pero dili because celebrity na ka. Gireport ra sa news nga nadakpan nakas mga pulis, criminal ka!
Imong iinvest ang 90% sa imong savings this month para palit ug donations paras mga Marawi incident victims. Nya kay bright man ka, pag grocery nimo, ang imong gipalit nga canned goods puro meat loaf. Pagbantay nalang please.
Suggest lang ko nga di na kaayo ka masuko over petty things. Otherwise, imong hair maparehas sa kang PNP Chief Dela Rosa --- nonexistent.
Undangi na nah imong pagka dawat limpyo. New school year new me kunohay pero inig abot July, igo ra ka print sa report.
Lucky Color: Snapchat Yellow
Lucky Color: Canola Oil Gold
Lucky Color: PNP blue
Lucky Color: Tawas White
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PHOTO OF THE MONTH
Today’s CAROLINIAN
PHOTO OF THE MONTH
Photograph by Garel Sison
“An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.” — Benjamin Franklin
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Today’s CAROLINIAN
JUNE 2017 | Vol. 5 No. 1