Diseased Pariah News - Issue #4 by Tom Leger

III

!ired of those nasty old Trojans IJllt don't know where to tum? Try Captain Condom's Original Party Pack! 15 assorted condoms, plus 3 lubricant samples and instructions $4.00

lillI/Oil, featuring the isl' /IIack, red, and white. l'11111 I'otato Likes That," 1'.' ;11 'II ike That," and lliul" ill black and white. (11/.'11.'1 , $1.00 each.

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~INT~NT~: 2 ...................................... Page Two Boy Scott O 'Hara

3 .. ..... ... ................................. The Readers Bile Back!

5 .. ...... ... ..... ... ... ... Cranky Words: KiLLs You Permanently

7 ..... .. .... ... .. ..... .. .. ... Memoirs of a Working Boy, IlJ & IV

9 ................................... ........ Aloofa Lee 'fhargia, R N

11 ... ..... ....................... .. .. .... .Adventures with ACT-U P

15................. .... ......... .. ... .... .. ..... .... ..Life Expectancy

Center Page ........ .. ...... The Amazing 3-D DPN Centerfold

17 ................................................ . ...... ... ... .. . Scared

18.................................................. Honey, I'm Home!

20 ..................... Further Adventures of Captain Condom

23 ................ ..... GET FAT, don 't die! (Nausea R evisited)

25 ............................ ...... Condom Corner: Accessorize!

27 ........... ................ ...... Film Review with Porn Potato

29 ............ ...... The Mini Meat Market and Resource Page

31 ..................... Rampant Commercialism Here at DPN!

Back Cover .................... Back Door Boy Aleks Campbell

Page 1

DPN #4 Copyright ÂŠ 1991 by Beowulf Thorne. Contributors retain all copyrights to their material.

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. ... ... ..... Page Two Boy Scott O'Hara ... . ....... .... The Readers Bite Back! (:/(II/ky Words: Kills Yuu. Permanently ." MI'/l/oirs of a Working Buy, 111 & IV ....... . ...... ..Aloofa Lee Thargia" RN

.. .. ... .. " .. .Adventures with ACT-U P ............... " ........... Life Expectancy ..... '1"11' Amazing 3-D DPN Centerfold .. ............ .... .. ........ . .. ...... . ..Sca,red .. .. ..................... Honey, l'm Home! // 路tl/l'I' II dventures of Captain Condom fo.T /'/1": don 't die! (Nausea Revisited) ...... .Condom Corner: Ilccessorize! ...... Film Review with Porn Potato Milli MI'II/ Market and Resource Pa,ge 1/1I/1fI1I/ Commercialism Here at DPN' ........ HllcIe Door Boy Aleks Campbell

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Pontifications

THE READERS WRITE BACKI

W e want to thank our loyal subscribers who took the time to fill out and re turn the red response cards that were included with DPN #3. We read your comments, all of them. We're delighted to see that y'all aren't shy or anything. ." Here's what we learned:

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Subscribers voted 3- I in favor of a bi-monthly DPN. That' s heart-warming; it's nice to know that so many of you would buy DPN more frequently if you only had the chance. For those who want us to remain quarterly, we trust it's only because you don't Want us to burn out or water down our content, right I Maybe we biased some responses with the phrase "bi-monthly rag." Aren't we evijl

I hc clear favorite here W~\ 1111 , xperiences, followed by S II1II1 1111 es and stories were IW( I ,," ck). We like (nl(' I , " xperiences too, and we'll pi I III.llly good ones as we can. $"1 your best stuff. You know II" I ",)son we make DPN is II ". 11 \ Litty letters from reader ~ I '<letry was clearly the least 11' 1 11I.'m. Anti-poetry people eVict ,II en't prone to mincing worth, I l lInments like " barf-a-rilm;\'" '" "0 way" being typical. We, ,. ,ona lly get pieces that movl' yl Hlr Barbarous Editors, s ,Ihide by O'Hara's Law : no I 111~n one piece of verse per i~' We like the suggestion of illl ,) ' 1)Iumn. We prefer not to nI.l ,'III' own questions, though , so y,'urs to Aunt Kaposi, c/o I l'1os t anything is fair gam e, lJ ' I"cstions on diagnosis or IIlent, please; we aren't phy si , 1,1ns. ", '''\ I,\,e u.> ,eo \.\oese Lee'"' ''''' I,'," ""

As much as we hate to di sappoint 3 out of 4 subscribers, DPN will re main quarterly for the forseeable fu ture. D Oing four DPNs a year is plenty of toil for your overworked, underpaid Cranky Editor. You still want a bi-monthly DPN? Large, no strings-attac hed endowments from wealthy (even anonymous) benefac tors will be gratefully accepted.

DPN a biodegradable magazine for biodegradable people

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A num b, ',II/)scribers pointed out th:n )1 I,., rder to recycle. Wha I ! I IIII 'a n people actually t li r o ' iI'(~ II ' DPNs, rather thall jJdill) III the basement like old N, , ,,'ographics? We 'n ' A ll yhow, the point is m o ol 1'.II·r. our sty le. Look ( 0 1 , ,>lor cover, and maybe ~ v, 'II ; " II centerfold, compl ete Wil l '.II II ,lble gimmick (volllill W,· 'I! see what we can dn, III II' , III)~ 100% digestiblc ((0 1 ',d '

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Subscribers ('(I 3-1 in favor of a bi-monthly

N. That's heart-warming; it's

. 1'0 know that so many of you

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content, right! Maybe we ...<1 some responses with the I\ C "bi-monthly rag." Aren't we

IIIICIl <lS we hate to disappoint 3 o f 4 subscribers, DPN will re I q u~rterly for the forseeable fu DOing four DPNs a year is Iy of toil for your overworked, " 'p~ ld Cranky Editor. You still .1 bi-monthly DPN! large, no !:"· <l ctached endowments from Illy (even anonymous) benefac will be gratefully accepted.

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I lie clear favorite here was true-life ,'xperiences, followed by smut (pic Ilires and stories were neck-and lIeck). We like true-to-life "xperiences too. and we'll print as III<lny good ones as we can . Send us your best stuff. You know the real rcason we make DPN is to get \mutty letters from readers.

at least) soy-based inks. Our fa vorite comment: "Fuck the upscale shit - let them read Town & Country."

Poetry was clearly the least popular Item. Anti-poetry people evidently ,Iren't prone to mincing words, with :omments like "ban-a-rama" and "no way" being typical. We occa \ionally get pieces that move even your Barbarous Editors, so we'll ,Ibide by O'Hara's law: no more Ihan one piece of verse per issue.

No one said they want DPN to be shorter. Interestingly enough. the just-rights beat out the longers by a small margin. We love hearing that our size is just right - who doesn't! To the correspondent who checked "longer", and added "it can never be too long": you've never read Byte magaZine, have you!

We like the suggestion of an advice column. We prefer not to make up our own questions, though, so send yours to Aunt Kaposi. c/o DPN . Most anything is fair game, but no questions on diagnosis or treat ment, please; we aren't physi cians.

A number of subscribers pointed out that gloss is harder to recycle. What!' You mean people actually throw out their DPNs. rather than piling them in the basement like old National Geographics! We're hurt. Anyhow, the point is moot - gloss isn't our style. look for a two color cover, and maybe even a fold out centenold, complete with some suitable gimmick (volunteers)). We' ll see what we can do, including IIsing 100% digestible (for silverfish,

We at DPN like quality more than quantity. The magazine will be around the same size or slightly larger.

By 5-1, readers want lots and lots of DPN merchandise. The mes sage is clear: DPN paraphernalia is way cool. You don't want to be caught dead wearing last year's gay activist fashion when you could be wearing a DPN T-shirt. Isn't it more fun to be on the leading edge of something big) Get your DPN stuff now, before everyone else has it. Our favorite comment: "please, no 900 numbers." Don't worry.

Do you anxiously wait for your friends to receive their copy of the Diseased Pariah News so that you can read if to0 7 Do you invite your self over to discuss Western garden ing, but what you really want is to furtively thumb through that lillie line on the coffee table 7

And just why haven't you sub scribed yet7 Are you afraid to admit something 7 Are you sero-closeted 7 Well han, if's fime to get over it, because your friends probably already suspect, and if they don't now, they will when you start looking like aJenny Craig addict or develop spots. So c'mon' Do your conscience and our egos a favor by SUBSCRIBING to DPN You'll get your cOPies printer fresh and without coffee rings, to hide under the bed when your parents come visiting or what ever else you please.

A subscription is only $700, to DPN, P.D. Box 31431, San Francisco, CA 94131. Hurry, before the rates go up!

Page 4

ADVERTISING RATES Why advertise? Because unscien tific research has shown that each copy of DPN is seen by an average of 17.3 people. With a print run of 2,500 copies, that 's 43,000 indi viduals who are touched by our gilded hand, and who could be touched by yours. FULL PAGE: 38pi x 45pi (6-1/3" x 7-1/2") $450 HALF PAGE: 25pi x 45pi (4-1/ 6" x 7-1/2 ") $300 THIRD PAGE. 12pi x 45pi (2 " x 7-1/2'j $150 SIXTH PAGE: 12pi x 22pi (2 " x 3-2/3") $75 We trust that ad art will be in keep ing with the style of the magazine. We offer design consultation for an additional fee. There is a 15% dis count for two or more insertions. Sorry, we can't do bleeds or colors.

TECHNOPHILIA If Macs make you moist, DPN is the place I DPN was produced witi70ut any manual paste-up what-so -ever. Text was composed in Microsoft Word, internal art (including Captain Condom) was rendered using Adobe Illustrator, and photos were re touched in Adobe Photoshop. Composition and assembly were per formed on a Macintosh IIci in Ouark XPress. Photos were scanned on Apple (with Abaton 8-bit Upgrade) and Microtek flatbed scanners. Proofs were run off a Personal LaserWriter NT, and final output was to a Linotronic 330 imagesetter at 2540 dpi/ 100 Ipi Printing was by offset lithography Sorry True Type, DPN was set entirely with Adobe typefaces.

PageS

87% of the readers who have an opinion want the Captain to stay. Longer stories, shorter stories were equally requested - what's an editor to do) Probably do longer stories, some serialized. More sex and vio lence. Comments included: "Make his bulge bigger"; "Get a grip on him. Is there a point!" (I've had a grip on him, and it's blunt, not pointy); "Too male oriented"; "I want to see his dick"; ... You can' t please everyone, that's for sure.

The overwhelming majority of our loyal readers think the Cranky Editor should be able to earn a living from DPN . If only it were SOl For those of you who are concerned about rampant graft at FOG Press, we do buy ourselves pizza from time to time . (Heyl You spend an evening putting those little "not san itized for your protection" stickers around 2,500 copies of the magazine and see if you want some sort of compensation.) As far as Biffy toiling, some readers had their own interpretations of "screw him " and " bondage." Hmmmmmm.

A clear majority of readers said they'd pay a fair price of $3.00

per issue. Ask, and ye shall receive! Starting with DPN #5, single copies will be $3 .00 in stores, and domes tic subscriptions will be $10.00 for 4 issues. (Current subscribers will of course receive their allotted num ber of DPNs with no surcharge.) We know how many of you are on limited budgets, and we'd have loved to have kept it at $2 .00, but our expenses are no joke. What's more, DPN must now pay a whop ping 8 1/4% sales tax for subscrip tions inside California.

anyone need an answer to this one) We see from your comments that DPN subscribers (with a few wimpy exceptions) want no pussyfooting and no apologies. A number of readers asked for things that we could use some help with. We write about what we un derstand best; we use so many gay male themes because we're homo boys. " Put up or shut up" is the op erating philosophy here at DPN. You want to see stuff written from a different point of view) Send us some . You want a letters column) You know what to do. A request from a subscriber in New York: "please print a key to your classified symbols. " We thought they were pretty obvious, but here goes. # I is a cleaver; #7 is a tank top on a clothe sline; #8 is a tape measure; #9 is a propeller. Any fur ther questions! - T. A. ~ ® fj ®

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Special thanks to r M of West Hollywood for the case of Pepperidge Farm cookies

One o f the 1l1illi ' repeate dl y III ', AiDS is th,11, (II another, we' ll kind of n <1 li,)ll ca re s y s tem '" I don't ha ve ,IIl V tures of Oll r "I I c ia ls v o ting 101 h eartfelt syllli those with ('hn) ti(ms. Ratlwr, inte rest as fma g ine if Y() I v a ccine for HI V la s t d isco vc n', fantas tica lly, ' re quiring (1 lil), injectio ns, cl\l~\ ing, and a seril" e rs ev ery 11,1 Ev erybody w il of course, sti II I ter a ll these \ y ou ca n g e l 1\ toi let se a ts. I ),) tha t Sena tor ~ Iowa will gu consti tu e n h "Shucks, ful b ain ' t worth it. " be scre,11l1 i ng, I one el se, Iltd ' he,llth CMe i",

elue.

Wh,lt fo rm VVllld" natio nal h eallh ,,) take) Since Wl' w , la s t or next to 1.1 ~ 1 iLed nation tu 11.1\' pending on will'I A frica beats II ~ I, h a v e all sorts ()I ,,, choose from : ( .III 13ritain , all "I 1'. 111

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One of the things that we repeatedly hear about AIDS is that, one way or another, we'll get some kind of national health care system out of it. I don't have any rosy pic tures of our elected offi cials voting for it out of heartfelt sympathy for those with chronic condi tions. RJ ther, I see self interest as the key. Imagine if yo u will, a vaccine for HIV is at lon g la s t discovered , but it 's fantastically expensive, requiring a doze n initial injections, close monitor ing, and ,1 series of boos t ers every two yeilfs. Everybody INili want it, of course, still feMing af ter <111 these years that yo u CJn get AIDS from toilet seats. Do you think tha t Sella tor Snort from Iowa will go before hi s constituents ,1n say, "Shucks, fol ks, yo u just Jin't worth it.") No, he' ll be screJming, like every one else, that nZitional heJlth care is long over due. Wh,lt form would our own nation<ll health care system take) Since we would be the last or next to IZist indu s tri a l ized nCltion to ha ve one (de pending on whether South Africa beats us to it), we'd have all sorts of examp les to choose from : Canada, Great Britain, all of Europe. Well

take h eart, dear readers, for your Cranky Editor has seen the future of socialized medicine in America. It's a health plan that exists today, and it's called Kills You Permanently (KP to its fri ends). As you wouLd expec t from the LeZider of the free world, KP has some of the best fZlcilities on th e planet. Th eir equipmen t is th e most up to dZite. Their spec ia l ists Me without parallel. Their nurses will chop up your Vicodin tabl e ts and sprinkle it over van ill a ice cream if it will make you feel be tter. The on ly problem is that you need a signed no te from th e Surgeon General before ge tting proper tre<l tme nt.

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The law s of the market don't app ly to KP. Since trea tme nt throu g h th em is the right of their m embers (citizens for the national heZi lth ca re analogy), <lnd their fin<lncial base is lim ited (ilS it would be fo r ta x rev en ue), fisc,ll conserva tism is king. If th a t involves illittle foot d ragging, so much th e be tter. For exa mple, if 100 people come one day comp laining of appen dicitis, and th ey are all told to wait a month and come bilck if th ey are still feeling ill, only about half wilL Never mind tha t they other h a lf died or saw real physicians, KP has just saved itself hundreds of thou sands of dollars. HIV causes grave worries at KP. After all, its symptoms and

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Page 6

Memoirs

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by Scott O'Hara

Episode Three: Tenderloin

irrational respect for movies / v ideos - maybe because he 'd bee n in one, One of the Gage Bros. films, A nd, co me to think of it, if I'd had a role like that one, [ might have a lit tle more respect for the medium my selL unfortunate ly , the miljority of the roles J came in for were what might be cRlled Tenderloin roles: not scenes I care t9 teview . . Poor judg 'menton m y p art. .,

Okay, admittedly, th e title of this lit tl e piece is misleading. The memo ries are physically anchored in the Tenderloin, but the a tm osp here is anything but seedy. There was a la w student living there, with whom I had a protrZlcted fuck -budd)1 rela tionship-again, a rnisleadin.6 te.r m, s ince he was rabidly oppci~ed 1\) fucking He'd b'e en fucked twice il1 his life, he said, and hated it both The nadir of rnvcareer can'le with il times-once when he first came 'o ut, video called-I;o, 1 don't SllPPOSL' I in the 70's, and O!ice, more recently, should name it-,-onthe ot·h.e r hclnd , by a man who was fioon to become ' t dOn'lwant an y ofyo\1 renting it- his ex-l ov er, Not surprisingly, his ' Hung & Horny, in whichI10t onl y ora l tec hnique w<ls,snpeib, My cock dOt'S the boy on the box cover hcl ve a is not a beginner's size, but he was , dildo shoved inhi~ pants to gi ve him und a unted-and furthcrm()re, he ' a basket, but the cums'hot:; were ta ug ht me a thing ot two abollt ob- . nl0stl y faked with m ilk, Cold milk, ses s ion , W ithoul his Jutoring, straight from the rclrigera tor A II might never h ilve gotten to where I over my chest ,) nd stuma ch, I'hl'L'l' ilm tOd,lY. I wish he ,Vere still ,diHc'ren t times, f-elr canwra c1ngil'~ , clroUlld to enJoy the results with, ' BelieVe inC', fans, not even no\oridy 'is 1North this sort 'of h'ea tll1t!nt. Me mories of Bob, thoLlgh,inevitabl y lea d to the first time I saw him:, To enclon a hJlpp ier note-(lh, ca rry Class, how mdny of YOli hAve fohd rne back to old Sav ages" y~s that ' ~ memories of the balc011yat the where 1 belong" O nt e again, you Strand , back when Thursdays were really t'a!1't go h ome again > b ut gayporn days? Raise your ha;nds; that's what it was for the ~tt(?r:p art please. I didn't show up qUite ev(iJ'y of the yean home, I wrestled mere, week, but often enotlgh that there jerked off on s tage, won a ·contest or were a few familiar fac es, and his .tWo, and me t a lot long-term wasn ' t one o f them , I believe ..friends in the back rooms. Even in 'a the o nl y person I ever went. home place like that,' which might well be w ith from the Strand-and he was calle<;l d~1p, there is (' cettaln, um, comp ulsi ve about staying for the 'tecun spiJ;ltJ and T did play around a end of the movie, Always had this , lotwitn mytf.et\.pw performers. Ina t

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Page 1

part of the life, I miss, Sarge, who pierced m y tits, downstairs , after a pe rforma nce; John, w ho la ter played the cop in a film with m e; and David, tile shy one who attrC1c ted me like C1 magnet. (My titrin gs were steeL) I think I mu s t truly ha\'e been 'innocent' still, whatever my past; because when David smiled clt me, and agreed to iKcompilny me tn din ner, I remember fee ling like il ~letted pupp y: d ll but rolling ove r to have me m y belly Scr,l tc hecl, Pu zz led , he cls ked , " H ils n ' t a n yon(, ('\,('r been nice to vo u before?" A nd oh , of cou rse pl'opll' h,ld bl'en, hundred s, if not thou sand s. " Not ~onll'onl' I re Spl'ct," was my rL'p lv, ,lnd I still c,ln' t s('e how truthful it might hi1\'e been; but )'es, tlwre's ,1 IMgl' pclrt of me thilt (1'Ollld likL' to bL' thM inn ocent ilgd in, Did I F'l'Omisl' 'h,lPPY' l' llding?' McltlL'r llt opinion, I suppose; bu t I think I've g otten olle.

Episode Four: Litland Som e of yo u hove probilbly noticed that in three episodes, 1 hav e yet to get nit ly & gritty Z1bout sex, Yes, Virgin ia, there is a reason for this, I'm fairly good at rend e rin g s itua ti ons and contexts, lead-ins and con flicts, well enough to give till' average reader a hardon; this is tIll'

,, ·.,,1.,,'1', 1<:11 bill, I \\'h.lt's h"PP"11I11 r",n, "so why ',I, Ip r you ?" 1\1'.\1 1 I mli'r, you' ll Iill1 ,' v.ls ion, Besidl"

Il t'nl o f ~f(\phi\ I, Iii I,' rari ty ,HId with ti1em"","" n'lh

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,' !,\ltica; I'm ju..' "hie with 'dirty I Ill y movies: yml I'/,,;'\n, squO<l1 w henever 1 get: make mort:: n(li~ 1 I' ",!fits in the \II 11 :0'('

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Wllicl1 he will Ill('fl' are adV,lll only if thl! ado dr.nna; I'm Mr.1 III" tn it.

The advJn l(l ~(' dpproach t (\ '>1' f'ill having ,I WI I ,'al1 sav fOI ~m "":;, I (((m'l \11,' I>I,H1W thl' din 'l I)I'I,~I)

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, IiI<', I miss. Sarge, wh n downstai rs, after ,1 II'; 1<1hl1, who late r played II .I lilm with me; ,lnd ",ill' olle who attrCleted nl(' ',11.'1. (M y titrings wert' Ilk I il1ust trul y hClVE' bCl'11 ',Iill , wh,ltcve r my pas t; It"11 I);ll'id smiled ilt nll', I,) "t'Clllnpany rnc to din · Inbcr feeling like ,1 pl'tted 1'"1 I'olling ovcr to h'l\'l' \ ·"CT,lt(hed . ['uuicd, Ill' "'''1 '1 ,lllyon c cvcr bl'CIl II I,t'/orc?" Al1d oil, 01 I>/t' 11'ld becn; hUl1drcd ~, ,111'1.~ . "Not ~om e OIll' II'V 111\' rlvl y, Clnd I ~till ( ,m 'l 11111,,1 it might 11 ,1\' l' bl'l'n; ,,]'.,'~ ,1 I'lrgc ~"'lrt of flll' Id", ' [0 be thM il1llocl'll l \' 1iI.~,

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l'l1dillg ~ '

Il]1lioll, 1 Sll~"PO O: l'; bu [ I , " I. '11 Otle .

very stuff of erotica. Where I faU have to look at their partners? .' down is the transcription 0( the Who .·'a ct ,like they're digging moans & groans of the sex act. So 1 ditches, not having sex? Call· me oid~fashioned: I like guys to be. generally fall back on the 'omni turned to ,each other. scient reader' technique: flatter the reader, tell him he already knows And the fw;my thing it's usually ' what's happening or about to hap pen, "so why shcJUld I describe it in .the 'rape' scenes-:""'Or. at :least, . for you?" l~e,ad L.lldy Chatterlells 'coercion by oSfensibly straight Lotie!', you'll find the 'same sort of boy' scenes-where the lOp' h,as the hardest time keeping it hard, tt's evasion. Besides,. the hardon quo tientof graphic terms derives from cspedaI1y annoying, watching an the rarity .and tajJoo associated aggressor tell his victim what'he's ' with the01.-:...xepetition dulls them, going to do tq him, repeatedly, '. Now, I fte~ly admil ~hatlhe reaSon . while pretendirg that his dick;s I euphf;mize is not because I'm try- ' . not a boiled noodle, ,Artd it pui. ing to make my w riting into great : zles me no end thilt, if two guys do ' erotica; I'm just plain un('omfort~ hit it off and ,start sucking up a able with 'dirty .talk.' Watch any of storm" the director .inevitably tells my movies: you;U see me grun:t & th~n "Okay, boy~, it's time to groan, squeal like .a stuck ,pig fuck." Baing! limp dick time again. whenever I get stuck, and ~nerally You know, I could really get off on mal<e ,tllore noise than two bull e1e~ a scene in whiCh there was no fuck ing, for a ,cha~ge, A Scene where phants iTt the t.'n~ting season, but I uS,e no words;,( become absolutcl.y the ·director tells the guys "I don't \J:1articulate. Or/.in those rare c~s ~ are what yO~1 do, but whatever it where I do speak, all tor in stance in i~ you do dO i have a good time." the · mjnd~bo.ggling 'Wussy' s,ccne, yoo Can be·$ure irs due to a direc {jnfbttumltely; the Ga ge Brothers tor w ho has a p.rec~ script from aren't making videos anymore. which he will not be deterred, There are ad van.tages to stripts, but . There is .a video ~Wild Oats, I be only j f the actors /!,Ie.equa 1 to tbe lilave it's called.....,. with what may d rama; T'mafraid I; lever felt quite be the longest oral scene I've ever u p to it. seen. Pm twenty m.iiltues they go 'at it like h\.·obcia constrictors trying The advantage to my Neanderthal . to swa llow each other-and ' yOlt approac,b 10 Sex is that you (',fin tell ' ~ardly nolice it's so long (the saine, I'm haVing a good time. ?lMore than . ;you filthy pervert), because · they 1 can Say for some of my ctrwork are tvvo ofJhe in.QStturned-on guys ers, J don' t blame thenl (Q'lo!>tlyJ you've ever had th.e privilege of blame th.e directors)-bqtJf t had viewing, Cocks like rocks, ldoubt been· as .uncomforf'able as these that the ctuneranmnstopped shoot guys s~m to be, I'd have quit after . ,ing once. The S<!ene cries. to ' be tne ,fltst day. Haven't you ~ol:iced? dJpPed rightthere with a cumshot; The ones who make all the nOises but l!loSirre.e, fucldnt; is required. \ike"the-y're h avin g a 'great tim e- So they get into, positiQn, as. di but keep the.it ~ye.$ d osed and their rected, and i.l rakes .fi.~ minutes heads thtQ\V.l~ back so they, doo't ' to ;get <l:P inserQon. I dout ex;pect

Litland

111.11'(' probably nolin',1 " 'I,i sod('s, 1 have yl't 10 )~ r i lly 'lbout sex. Yt". ,'](' i,'i ,1 rcason for tI1i" (I"" "I rend ering sill ]' 1 Id,'\I ", I('ad-in s and (01) "ll"ll)', h to gi ve lilt' 1"1 ,I ilMdon; thi s i~ Ill<'

.our pomog:t:aphers to be , Ein~t~, buf~ilstin~.an OP~! tu,m ty hke, that IS posltively <mm inal ~

Tfte worst offen<!ers in this Ii~e( -of course, ,are ' the real stra~ght boys. I understl'l...1.d the motiva tion; i(5 f:alled 'Molley . .(Str;aight porn pays even le~ than gay,) Bl.lt .there are few thin~s m o re boring (to m¢) that' w atching a ~gUy have sex wifl'\ou t lU$t. Sex without Jove J can t~e; but with- . oht JUst there's no 'l:onger any, po~nt to it. l'd:ratherwat¢h him , raking leaves. .

Does anyoneelse~ find it ironic

that, although the fktion is that

fhe aggressors are tak1:ng their

pleasure with the victim~; in·fact

the guysuckm.g & gettin:gfucked

is usually the oniy one enjoying

himself? .

Is all of this sour grapes,? Am J bitching and moaning just be ea use I had to do too 1)1any of . these turkeys? I suppose thaes part of it. I mean, it is especially painful watching myself do all the things I've just described. And again, I marvel that the two scenes iil which ] was the 'co erced' bottom are two of , the hottest things lever did-though I wasn't generaUyregardedas a, bottom, . So · in a way; yes', I'm mourning the fact that r missed the boat. Fathom thaI' one'ifyou can. Mostly, though, 1'd justlike ,lo get ohe message across to dinfctors': as a member of the audience, 1 like to watch videos that aid, my . imagination, rather than tro/ingto replace it.

Page 8

ALOOFA LEE THARGlA, RN

by Til1Wtl1y Mallon

"Oh man..., how on eart am I gonna get trew another day at dis place. " Aloofa bmented while re pinning her long unruly dreadful locks back up Lmder her crisp unsullied white hat. "All doze folks with der TB, der can cers, and dah lord above know s what else, coughin' and spittin' up all over me all dah time' I can't be takin' much more of dis, ya know'" Bu t her bemoaning went virtu ally unnoticed. Nurse Aloofa Lee has been bellyaching that same old litany of woe every wee kday morning since she ar riv ed on the doorstep of Costa MasDinero County hea lth ser vice, seemingly a lifetime ago. Her a lma mater, the Caribbean University for Nursing Trollops and Yammerers, or CUNTY, had only prepared her for part of the pivotal role she was soon to play in the lives of her charges to be. "What we need to hav e for this facility to function is inexpedi ency and inexperience!" or so the Costa MasDinero board of health as they began staffing their HIV clinic. Enter Aloofa Lee Thargia,

Page 9

RN. "Yes, Ms. Thargia, we have just the spot for you in our newest clinic helping jus t the kind of long-suffering, pox-rid den patients for which YOLI are just ideal'" She wondered wha t they co uld poss ible ha ve meant. Nurse Lee was beset by blithe sameness that first day until, dreadful locks to the wind, she sid led out of th e transit sta tion and navigated her way to the in significant edifice where a sma ll hand-made sign re,ld: The Nancy Reagan Clinic. "Just 'say no ' to HIV treatment" someone had ruefully scravv led in the margin. "What dah hell is dis HIV anyway?" she wondered aloud as she disappea red into the doorway. "Muss be some kinda new bert control or some t ing." On a waU nearby, an ersa tz sprayca n dilettante had already answered her: "HIV = Help Innocent Victims' " "Is dat wha t dis HIV is 7 " she pondered. Aloofa had seen pictures of the wretched and woebegone in textbooks back at CUNTY, but never really had "hands-on" ex perience until her first day on the job, where she finally discovered wha t HIV was really all about. "And juss what do you pa tien ts think I'm gonna do wi tch you, smellin ' like dat and asking all

deez questions 7 How do i know w here dah batroom is 7 Yo u 'll just ha ve to ho ld it until mah break is over' Do ya tink you are dah only one around here wit a full bladder, do ya, huh 7 " With this shock-trea tment orien tation, Aloofa bega n to sense that there was yet another meaning for HIV: Hapless Indigent Vegetables. "Dare muss be some kinna big mistake here, ya know'" she protested. The CUNTY recru iters had assu red her of a cushy, good paying job. She hadn ' t pu ll ed up stakes, travelled all these miles, and en dured those many long weeks of correspondence school just to end up playing nursemaid to the doomed dregs of socie ty. After all, she had her prid e' But, on the o the r hand, it was a job. And she was 5,000 miles from home. So wha t if she was miserable, there seemed to be plenty defenseless fops and powerless picclyunes to inflict it on. "Well, she finally an nounced , "Less be gettin ' this s ho w on dah road. We onl y got one doctah today, and he ain't had his M.D. for long, so you juss better be savin' anyting complicated til nex t time, OK? And if any of d eez bloody wheelchairs goes rollin' over deez toes of mine, der will be no mercy' Tink abou t it..." NEXT WEEK: Nurse Aloofa gets a need le stick. II you're not dyill!l, III

'ilil'stions? How do i know \I,lh batroom is ? You'll 111 ,1 11.1 \l l' to hold it until mah I I I I ',I k is o ver l Do ya bnk you arc .1.111 (lilly one around here wit il 11111 hl.lddcr, do ya, huh?" ,1"1'/

1\ , 1,,'1'('

\,\lilh this shock-treatment orien 足 l,ilil'll, !\Ioofa began to sen se that II"'!'I' W;lS y et another m eaning IIlI IIIV: Hapless rndige nt V")',L'I.lbks. " Dare muss be some ~ lIlIlcI big l1lis t,lke here, y il 11"1 1"" she protested . The 'U N IY recruite rs had assured 11' 1' 1)1 ,I cli s hy, good pilying job. ,III' h.ldn ' t pulled up stakes, 1, 1\ '" kd ,111 these miles, and en 足 I" 1'1,Ii Ihose many long weeks of I "I "" ~ polldence school jus t to 'I" I lip playing nursemaid to the I, I( HI]( 'd dregs (l f society. After II / ... 11(' h(ld her prid e l

:"1 ,

the other hand , it wa s a ,j I !\nd she was S,OOO miles t li ll hOlnL' . So what if s he was q""J',l hk, there seemed to be II' lIly defenseless fops and ""'1'rl('ss picayun es to inflic t it II " Well, she finally an足 Illill ("vd, "Less be ge ttin' this I " IV (Ill ebh roa d. We only got Ill' d()ddh today , and h e a in't iii "is M.D. for long, so you I', ', hetter be savin' an y ting liliplildted til next time, OK? IIlI if any of deez bloody 1H'\' it'II;lirs goes rollin' o ver '. '/ IIlL'S of mine, der will be no I'I""V' !'ink ilbout it. .. " OJ)

WE BUY

LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES

FROM TERMINALLY ILL PEOPLE

FOR CASH.

THATIS ALL WE DO.

THATIS ALL WE HAVE

EVER DONE.

NO HASSLES...

EVER!

AMERICAN LIFE RESOURCES

CORPORATION

ie:!ID ~ *!:~ I~ lI~

Nurse Aloofil I'\/, WHK 'II'I'd Ie stick.

' 1' 1 ,1

If you're not dying, they're not buying! DPN says check 'em out

Page 10

URES WITH ACT Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Prison by Brint Butchart

... '---

)

Being the goody-goody th a t I WZlS b o rn a nd rai se d to be, I never quite expected to find m yself in pri son, That jus t didn ' t hiJpp e n to middl e c lass W ASPs lik e m e, Of course, I wa s rai sed in the "Libera l" trildition, a nd fe lt no s corn for th ose who mi g ht find them se lves in prison, but held a firm b e l i cf t h ,) t i f th e y had be e n raised with th e Sd m e ild v ilnt age s and ed LlCiltion c)l oppor tuniti es I hild , the y wo uld fee l no com pulsiol) to com I)) it iJ I ~'g ,) I ,1(:ts, Peo~, lei 11 prisun were \'ictims of soc iety , ,)nd des erved to b e tr e a ted with lo vl', com pa ss ion ,) nd und e r s tanding, ,l nd 'l/sO d eserved to b e k e pt locked ti g htl y awZly fro m socie t y until the y were compass ionate ly loved into fee ling remorse fo r th eir ilCts of crim e, with no des ire to do the m c1 g ilin , after 1 was inocul a te d wi th th ese va lu es il S a child, I

rea li z e d WiJS Qu ee r , Somet im e after thilt, I rece ived " The Tes t Result. " Still happily dsymptomatic, I did ill! of th e good middle cla ss thing s : donated money to AIDS reli e f and reseil rch organi z ations, donated even more mon ey to m y doctor 's e arl y re tir e m e nt ilcco unt , ,)ttended s upport gro up s, played wi th met ,)ph ys i cs, lid 17(/II ~ CI1I1I. Living in Orcmge Co unt y (th a t biJ s tion of liberilli s l11 iJnd home to o ur frie nd s WilliiJm DilnlH'mcye r ,)nd Rev, Lou Sheldon) iJS I do, thi s Clllll'Se of ,l ction sL'emed the I-ight thin g, I trllstcd the) t by foll()wing this pl<ln I wo uld build LIp enough good karm,) that th e gove rnm e nt ilnd m y in s uran ce co m p<1Jl y would take CilfC of m e whe n I go t sic k, Af te r all, I wiJ s n ' t o n e of tho se " b ,ld " people, lik e IV dru g u se rs or prost itut es, I paid l11 y tiJ xes and wo uld never think of rocking the boat, othe r than the bct that r occas ionally vo ted for the Peilce and Freedom Party ca ndid a te in elec tions , Lo a nd b e hold , my di sease progressed , Pra c ti Cc1 1l y

Artisl's conceplion 01 Brint's blond lustmullin

o"L'rnight, thc '1:-) ex tl',l f)(llllld .., 1 carrying ,)r<lul)d my IN')I" I , ,1 n d th e n s o m e, go I I().., I somewhcre, WhiJv 1,1V ill ,I', ,1Wilkc iJt ni g h t, I W,) S ~ url' 111,11 with l'I 'l'l'\I drop of ~1\'l',) 1 " Ill'd by 111 \ ' tCIl'ris h bnd v, l -l'(' I1.., Wl' l' e di s ,)p~)l"Hi l l g b y I lll ' do;(cl) ;" , My d octo r h ,)ppil l' confirl)ll'd t ili ~ di,lg llOsis, ,1 11(/ kin d 1\ f'lll 1))(' U I) /\/'.T , " [)ol) ' II\ 'ol'l'l ' ,) b(1ul till' si dl' \'ffccls , " ml ' ,) I)d 11'ISl'l' I11(\1' l ' l' ,\

\ • II

I\',)S

P l'

r i

l ' 11 C l'

I ti l "

/ \ II

1," iI I 1\ (

" .I I I '111.1 111 ' ,1

On May 6, 1 Righteous upon the Ofl protest th inmates wit Sacram Butchart w while.

Il'il'nLi s told me , " til l '\ " 11 go II \1\ . ~l V l'\ l'l) t II ,) II \' , " s dtll'd il1t (l ,) rOll ti I1 C ll f t ,) k i I) g ,) pill .1 n d t l'l) min II tl's I,) t l ' I' \ 0 mit i 11 g ~)rOfllscl.', T Ill' lomitillg l'\ 'l'l)tll,)III' worked it Sl'l f illil l b (lll ts (l i C h rOil i c f,) t ig lIl' , f II r whic h my d(ldo r ~)rl' "cr i bl' d s ~lL'(' d , Toilct P,)~IL'I' bcc,)I)1(' .1 m a jor hou sl' ho ld l' XPl' 11S(' Thre()ts of los in g m y job dlll' III " exccss i l' c lIS C of s ic k tinw " I)) a d C In l' t h () n k f ul t h ,1 t t ill ' l' n I i g h tL' n C d 0 r,) n g l' C Olill I I' 130ard of Supcrl'isors /).1,1 rcje c t l'd an HIV ,lllli discrimin<1tion ordinance ,) fLo\\' wee k s back , After ,)11 , 111\ ' illnes s ilnd contilll l('" em plo Yl11 e l1 t vvc rl' Cd lI ,.., i 11 1', ll10rill e proble m s fOl' m )' (lfli"" " A s il man age r," I w ,) ", I III d ,

~II'

• '" " I, • "I II II

I II 1 II" III

1101

II. II I ill 1: [1

I /','" II

III. (II

l to Stop c Prison ~utchart

overnigh t, tlK' 15ex tr,1 p(lllnds I W,lS Glrrying JJ'(lllnd my wa ist, ,1nd then SLl m c , g(l t l(lst s (l m c VI' h er c ' W hilt' 1,1yin g ,1wa ke il t Ilight, I I"'il <-; SLlI'l' th"t VI' it h el 'l'l l' drLlp (I I S\\,("ll slll'd b y nl\' tclerish b(ld y , T-cells wc r e dis" f1pcMill g by t he d(l ze n s, Mv d(l c t n r h ,l f) pil v c(l n firnll' d this di,l gllo:-. is , ,1Ild kind l l put 111l'

,'\1 1 ,

(111

1,<-; Qu eer. II , r received Slill happily III ,111 of th e .IS:-. thin gs: 1\ IDS r eli ef .llli zZi ti ons, \ ' !TI o n ey to r('1 irem ent ..1 s upp or t '.I w ith 111711 $CI7 I1I,

ty ( th J t ,lIld home Willi a m I-?'l'v, L o u 11 :-. course of :g h t thin g , I Ill\I'ing thi s lip enou g h , I h ,l t th e y ill suran ce (' (" Ire of m e '\ It e r a ll , I '(llill

tl Se

" bad "

1).\ u se r s or I nly ta xes think of wr than th e Iy v(l ted f or dU!TI Part y '"

d i seasc ' 1,ldicJll y

I I'

"D (1 Il'1 \\'(1 11 1' .1bLILII Ihc :-.id(' dil' ch, " III I' \\, I SL' I ,l llti III (lIT

P l'

C \足

L' 11 C l' l i

Y() U Clrc losillg uedibil it l ' w ith yo ur empl(lYccs," A ll th l' ~o(l d k,H Ill ,l th,l t I h,ld b u i ll Uf1 fk ll' out th l ' Willd llll' ,1" I 1I' ,lS f1(l li ll'1I Ilild bl 11ll' Coulltl lic ,l llh f\: lIrsl' th ,ll I l',l rll cd I LHI III u c h IlllHll'1 hi LlU 'llil) Ilir fl l '(' :'\71', ,llld III I 111S Il!',IIlCL' CLI Ill f1,111 \ ' I vl Ilil'

wh,lt th e\, ' Wl ' rl' d(l i ll"n I II O r,1l1gl' CO Ul lt l I LlvciLil'd th"t thcy sl'e !TI ed S(l Il1(' ll' h ,lt Il(lrm ,l l. .Illd Sill Cl' I h ,ld Ilot hi ll g bl'tll'I' 1(1 d o l ' rid,ll ' Ilight, I dl'cid ('d Il ' ,l l k lld LIIll' (I I tlll'ir 11ll'l'lillg", ,\ lh'si rl' h ) bCl' Ullll' bl,ltl'r ,lCl] u ,linted lI 'itll 11ll' cull' bl(llld "i tl in;', i n till' ClHlll' r kl'p l Ill( ' C o III i 11 g b ,ll' k , b II I Co h " r I I I I rl' ,l l i/l'd Ih,ll t hl' :-' l ' Ii k l '足 III i 11 d L' d f1Cllflk IIv rl' 1111 1, ,11ld CI11 ",ll',i Ill,' I1ll'L, t ing" II il ll (II' II illll.ul tl1\ ' blllll , l

On May 6, 1991, dozens of Indignantly Righteous Homosexuals descended upon the office of Dr. Nadim Khoury to protest the treatment of California inmates with HIV. This was called the Sacramento Action, and Brint Butchart was there, getting arrested while wearing a DPN T-shirt.

f r i clld:-. I li id 111L', " th('I " 11 ~ll L' I CIl 足 " W,l I ' t U ,1 II I ' " sl'ttlcd ill t ll ,I rou ti nl' lli til kill g ,1 pill ,I n d ll'11 min u tl':-. 1., t el' I' 0 III i till g profu se l ,l, 1 he Ill lllililig l'l'l'ntll,l lil ' II'll rkl' d ilsl'lf i n to bOll t o, o f ~' hr oni,~ 1.11 iglil' , fllr w hi c h my docto r prc:-.uilwd ~ pl' l.'d , TLli iL' l p,lp l'r bl'c.lllle ,1 miljor hou sehol d L'xpcnsL ' , Th rl',l ts of los in g Illy job duc to "l' x ccssil'l.' USL' of s ick t i me " m " d l.' nil' t h ,1 n kill 1 t Ii a t t h l' en li ghtl.' n cd O ran ge Countl' 80Cl rd of Sli p e r l' isors had rejected i'l ll HI V ant i足 discriminiltion (lrdinClncc a flow wee k s h ,'ck, After illl, !TI\' co ntinu e d Jnd illne ss em pl oymen t were CCl u sill)!; moral e problem s for m y offi ce, "As a man age r ," I W,I S t o l d,

knll\\' Ih,ll ,111 III IIW "l' T-(L' II (( III 11Is b l' l o r c' I g II l si c k ind i l ' ,lll' ti ,1 prl' - C\ i sl in c; l' ond ili on, thl' l '\Pl' IlSl'S (lH w hich thL' 1 IITrc s,ld,,' 1I1l ,l bll' l(l p rol' idl' COl er,l hl' , (jl Clll lrSl', if I h ,ld ,1 11 1 IlwdiC,l l cOllditioll t h ,1t VI' ,IS Il 0 t HI \, - rL' I .1 Il'd (,1 hangn<1il , Scl ), ), thl') w(lu ld be happ y to c x tl>nd ((11'L'r,lgl' (,lfter I !TIt, t m y dedu c ti bll', (I i (o u rse), Bu t w hat dOL'S this h ill'\.' to do wit h pris(1n , yLlll ask? l 'lll getting to th 'l t. I h ,ld nwt sonll' mL'lllLw rs of ACT UP / Orilnge CO llnt y in pilssin g one dCl Y, A fter ta lkin g w ith t hem abo ut

Page 12

Slw rll l ,111l'l I l) l' ~ d n ,1 1ll'ndi ng , lh l 'l c>

discu""in ,~ Ih l'

" <-; ,Il l ,1 111l' 11 t l' l I i II 11 ..

St'l l'll \)1' nl11rl' !\C1 U I' dl ,lplL'r" 11'(1111 ,111 LII'l ' r I hv ,,!.11L' t (l(l k 1' ,11'[ 11ll' S,lc:' ,lnll' llt (l /\cl i llil 11' ,1" pl,lnlll'd tL' C,ll1 ,1tl L' ntiLIi1 t(1 till' Iwed 1(1 1' hL'<l lll l l-,1I'l' ILH f1l'OplLo wi th /\ 1Dc.; , l ''' fw ci" lll 1\(1llll'll 1\ i t h J\ I [) S, i Jl I Ill' Cl I ii (1 I' 11 i ,1 St,l t t' l'risLlIls , I il' ,Hlll' d th" I prisLllwr.., wit h HI V ,He dcnicd b,lsir he a lth C,HL' , <I nti ,Hl' n(1t g i l' l' 11 m l' d i C ,1 I i 11 f LI I' III " t i 1I1l abo ut how HIV i s spre,ld, Of co u rse , th,'l w<ls n ' t surpr i sin g o n ce I d i ~ ((1 I ' e r L' d t h ,1 t III " n \' pri son he,llthe,He worke rs (note thot I didn't sa ,l' doc tors - the ,y usuall y don ' t g et doctors, much l ess HIV speCial i s t s) be li e\!:>

that HIV can be spread through touching someone with it. This belief is apparently shared by the Director of Health Services for the Dept. of Corrections, Dr. Nildim Khoury. I heard other horror s turies , like the woman whu died uf A IDS and was kept in her cell for three (L:1ys be GHI Se no one on the prison s tJff wo uld touch her corpse. O r ,l llothl'r woman with HIV w ho hild ,1 y eil s t infection fur fi\"(:, month s ,)nd VVil S refused tre,ltnwnt until s ilt' VV,lS un,)ble to w ,ll k . Pri so ners being dcnied toilet f,Kilities ,)t ni g ht. Onc inm,)tc \.\' ,) S presc ribed J hi g h c ,) I (1 ric d il'l b y hi s ph Y sic i,) n . The p r I SO n ,) u tho r i til' 's re s po n sew ,1 s to ,) d d (11) ,)d d iti on,l J peil nut bu ttL'r ,) nd jclly s,)ndwich eJch l' \. t' n i n g tot h l' reg u Ia r f d r e . This is wh,lt is p ,)ssing for 1ll',)lth CMl' for inm,ltes. I decided to t,)ke PcHt in tlw S,)(r.l J))ell to Action. I t sounded like fun, it g,1\'l' ml' ,) ch,)J)ce to spend thl' weekend in S,ln Fr,)J)cisco bcfofl' hl',lding off to S,)(r,) Jl)l'l) to, ,lnd the cute blond froJ)) the meetings \N,)S going too. ,\lthoLigh mv ,1CtivisJl) is not n)(\ t i \. ,1 ted by Ills t, i t couldn't hurt. On Mel Y 6, ,)t l):()() ,)m, Nineteen Righteousl y Indignant Hon)(l s l' x uills , both f,)gs and d y kes, descended on th e DepiHt rn en t 0 f Cor rec tio n s. Some /\CT UP members h,)d been writing Dr . Khour y for fi"e months requesting a meeting, ,1Ild had been ignored.

Page 13

He knows now not to ig n o r e ACT UP. The staff was in an uproar. "Please don ' t brea the on me, I don't wilnt AIDS." one of them pleaded. W e circled through the office in a p eacefuL nonviolent sort of Wily, h,lnding out our li s t uf healthc,)re dem,)nd s for prisoners, p,lsting s ti c k ers on every ,1 v ,1 i I,) b Ie surf il ce, ,I n d blowing up ,1 condom b,)lloon or two. The poli ce were s lu w t(l Jrri v e , ,lnd we r,)n ll ut (If stickers, so ,1 s it-in in Dr. Khoury's office sel'me d till' approprielte thing to do . He s w e ,1 tc d pro f u se Iy ,) s h e huddled behind his desk, JS fill' dW i)Y from u s ,l S poss ible. When th e police ,Hrived, mos t of them w ith rubbe r g lo ves but (,1 fter so nw lobb y i n g from member s outside), ~i1I/ ~ riot geJr, the y were reluLt'lnt to ,)frest u s. They pol ite ly ,)s ke d us to k ,l\'l', ,)nd we sO n1L' Wh ,l t les s politely refu se d . As we we rc h,)Llkd off intll the ~);)dd y \'V,)gOll ,)nd t.lken to b e pnlCcssl'd , I re,1Ii:t,l'd th,'1" I h,l d thoroughl y l' njo Yl'd Jl) y~l'lf . It fel t good to know th,l t "Vl' h,ld dem,)nd e d ,1 tkntion fro m the go\'(' rnment 'l nd receivcd it. After <111, soc iet y Cel ll only bc judg e d by th e W,)y it tJ" C,l ts people on tIll' bottotn rung. It Wil S intere s ting to h ,1\'e to tell the nur se a t th e C(l unt y J,)i l whilt AZT WilS for , it s recomm e nd cd dosage, ,l nd other Int e res tin g F,le ts A bout AIDS thil t s h e hild never h ea rd. My good d eeds were rew8rded, as I was thr own into my ce ll

with the cu te blo nd at my s ide.

It was a success ful action politi ca ll y . Dr. Kh o ur y h a d a meeting with some of ollr m em bers Clt 3:00 that afternoon, fi ve h o ur s Clf te r we hild b ee n t,)ken awCly b y the police. An unplClnned but fortuitous eve nt occurred w h e n some m e mb e rs ,l( t u ,) 11 Y ,) m bu s he d Ron Cli d Re,)g,)n Itse lf in th e Rotunciil of th e S t ,) te Clp ili)1. As they s hollt t'd Jt him , "Murderer, murderer. .. " he turned, smiled, .,1 n d w ,1 V e d . N ,1 n c y , not pleJsed, w hi spe red in his (;"H, gr,)bb e d hi s h,lIld, ,l lld rushed hi Jl) ,) w ,1 Y. 0 r . K h0 u r y , testifying lilkr thJt d,l Y before t h Cl t 5 t.l teL e g i ~ Ie) t 1I r e, w il S L]lI es ti(ln e d about our demands. Nec d k ss tll sa y, h e m i)Lit' ,) fool of hit)) sc lf. l3e in ).-i in prison W,)S borin g, but ge tting th e re W,)S l(l,lLis of fun. Th e hi g hli g ht s in c luded the ell is in e ,1 n d t h l' pi ,1 inc lot h es gu<)t"d till' W(lt))l' n in our P,Hty ,1 ffc c tiona tel v n ,)t))l'd " l3u tt M,)n." Butt iV[,)n s pent his d'l yS J"(l,)J))ing the j,)i/ v ideotClping u s, especi ,,11 y ,)S the WOlllen peed . Nice tb,l t so meon e s hould enjoy hi s wor k . [ ' II definitel y be doing this ClgClin. Unfortun,ltely, Blondie will not b e at my side the Ill'Xt tim e l'Ill in prison, since Clnother ea rlie r c1frest on similar charges mc)kes it unlikely that he CCln risk ilrrest ilgain. ['11 let you know how it goes. Like we say h e re in Orange County, "We're ACT UP. Fuck you l"

There were li/. 1 plucked at lh that scattered; At times thl' )',1 electrified <1 s II scattered tow" They bru::;hed being dragged Like living ",111 As more canw The sky W,1S , I dear except II) Transparent II And the 0((',.\1"\ captivating, changing. Ever chang il1", Her smell an d it was a pl ciI",路 like souls tr)u' hearts beatil1); There was ,111 within he r dl'l Such a plC<1SlI l I fough't her L'. They SliPPl'd I Where' wa s it A womb 01 Iii Transfixed I '. ' It was he r ')llI

It took gn',lt " unknown pi," I march ed " )',.'

myse lf into" , below th ~l s ,' I ' greet a nd ,; 111 I and ga Iht'r 11 \' {)Ij ONllI .'11111 11/'

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belowthesebqulders and stones; I plucked a t. the'm, They weieApened fruit that scattered and blended into the landscape, At tiJnes the gro,u nd came 'alive with them, the ground seemed electri.fied as thc'lusands :upon thousands of lizards sca tte\ed north, scatte'ro.d towards the ocean, ' " They brushed agaihst my n'a ked feet, cool skins .like silken material being dragged acros's my ankles .an.d r,:alves. Like living sand als they engulfed 'my fee t. As more ,came out of hiding, they ran north cmci into'the ocean,

The sky was cryst,al blue, .

clear except for an occasiona l passing cloud,

Transparent thin clouds that, like wraiths, vanishing almost unnoticed.

And the ocean herself WaS one motioning jewel, '

captivating,

changing.

Ever changing in both shape and color.

Her smell and winds ran through me,

it was a pleasant experience

like souls touching,

hearts beating together.

There was an ama zing attraction, an incredible draw to plunge onese lf '

within her depths . To be engulfed . To be overtaken. '

Such a pleasurable torment.

I fought her call. 1 wiltched wild and timid creatures plunge in.

They slipped in and below.

Where was it that they went? Was there some incredible opening?

A womb of life?

Transfi xed I stood , almost as if in battle. A standoff.

It was he r a nd me.

lt took grea t strength to stray off as I did; to not succumb to the

unknown pleasure :

I march.ed against the tides, [willk agaii1St cOllformit y and,plunge

myself into a different pool of enlightenment. [stand neither above nor

below those passing fot a plunge into the b~!lutiful s.eij. A's an equaf I

greet and surrender t9 theccills of my wilds. I succumb to enchantment

and .gather no stones for casting.

by Dean SwaydÂŁm

r a s t. I

by Pat,r ick

MeGralh I confess,; I am on e of thosef:IIV queens with two major cq{lcerns: How i@Stay Alive and How TQ Get Safely Laid ,' Lam also one-of those who thinks - yes, now g.et ready to press your ME TOO buttons and be prope rl y ashamed of yo urselves:"" illV, js essentia ll y jus t a fag problem, Well lis ten to this: for th e longest time m y AIDS s upport group has been a n excl usiv e ly gay a f fair - jus t us g irls - but las t Monda y, wha t with v<l riou s and s undry OIs making th e round s on the regulars, I found m,yse lf righ t In the midd Ie of a STRAIGHT G ROUpl Ima g in e my s urprise w h en I re ali zed I wa s no lon ger cen ter s tage l Lu cki ly I had m y Kleenex w ith me (a g irl sco ut is a lwa ys pre pared l), r ITleil n, I knew I'd have to d ea l w ith dl'<lth <lnd condoms iln d broken nJils, but never th o ught I'd have to deal with second billing, One o f the m e n, w ho married his wife AFfER h e fo und out he was positive, (and that's al ready more than I ca n swa llow without a co uple o f Valium) wanted to know if there was a ny way to "stra in [hi s] sen,en " o f the virus so tha t his wi fe (innocent of our little ho use gu es t) could have his baby, W ell, hell, I thought: ha ts off to the Never-Say-Die-

Page 15

More crass commercialism on page 31 1

C'o ntilll"'1 " cl ubs (If /' (,1 tcgorv • I he ont'" l'O<lring .11 S IS, I dOli ,>c ronl')!,')I hea d-ll~) . And now I ,iflic: /-1 /1 1/

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longest group g ,lY Zl f lit !<lst ill S Zlnd r()und s mysp i f of ,1 l1agine li zed I stage' x wi th 's pre d have ldolTl s nev e r I with

icd hi s K'wa s IreZld y ithou I tcd t( I lily

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LIFEEXP TANCY Contingent of th e Mom a nd Pop dubs of A m ericZl I This is a new (Megory of conce rn en tirely from Ih e ones m y ovaries have been rOMin g Zlbout s in ce m y di<lgno s is. I don ' t know an yone in th e seronega ti ve set who 's th a t head-up abo ut having /III} baby And now for j\ ID S CO/l/(,~ to Tile Litt/c· f-{(lI,ise 0/1 til l' Prn ir ie , one of the women in the g rou p vvanted to know if an yon e kne w ,1 good lawyer because bel' hu sba nd V",l S trying to ge t cu s tod y of her two daughte rs on the gro und s thZl t sht' is " poten ti a ll y ,ln unfit moth er." Seems the m ,1I1 is con ce rned she'll get dcmentiil before he doL'S an d wo n' t be i1ble to mi x p<lbulum right . And I thou g ht I was going to write the chcl ptcr on rCil l-li fe loser dice-roll s ' I've h ad som e na s ty hu sb,1l1d s in m y d ay, but the y ne ver got to 111111 level of blatant cruddin ess. No, my d ea rs, the truth is we jlls t don ' t h ave the corner on the mis ery marke t <11Iy1110re. And "vhen you com e to think of it, we neve r reall y did . I m ean , I s tMted thinkin g: we gay m e n h ave be com e so s pec ii'l l to o urselv es w ith the sp ecial kind of w h ammy that HIV h as o n a b od y, thClt it ha sn't occurred to u s to think h ow com mon a thin g it is, and h as been, hi s torica lly, to look at life as a 35 yei'l l' shot a t best. I m e an, thin gs

are look in g up in th e life e x pectanc y departm ent e ve n for us, but, reilll y, yo u don't hav e to go ba ck to the bCl rb ariill1 hord es for life expec tanc ies tb e duriltion of a s tru ck match. And Wh cl t' S th e life-ex pec til nc y of i'l fi ve- yea r-o ld untouellClble in Ne w Dehli th ese d Clys! Is Mother T he resa putting o ut a n y s tiltis tics! O r ju s t g iv in g ever y bod y il nice' WZlrm feeling in their tummies before thf..'y croZlk at fo urtecn! I'd be inte res ted ll1 heMing th e ch il nces o f a four-ycM-o ld in south ern Jraq to rn a ke it next to

Tuesd

good hillf of those would be h Clppy to trade. No w, don ' t g et m e w rong. A n y <lssh ole who tells me to count m v blessin gs wo uld be numbering his d ClYS on his nuts. Wh a t I'm sayi ng is: look a t tbe big pi cture, w hite bo y . Su re, we' re probabl y all go ing to croak sooner than we'd lik e, but you ciln' t get bid if yo u ' re bu sy fee ling spec iClI. T Sil Y: g ive me th i1 t ordinary th ang l

mu ch less ne xt yeil l' . J t's

eleM to me thill th e boat we' re in is ilwfull y c ro wded a nd I'd wag e r mar e tha n h a lf of th ese s Cl i lor s n eve r heard of HTV for all th e miseries they've got, and a

Have you renewed your subscription? Do it on page 32'

Page 16

DPN would lik e to welcome Byl Hulse as OUr first centerfo ld . sero-nega ti ve Caregi vcrs Would "Bu t why emulate o th er sk in like us to li ve in sa intly abs ti 足

magaZines:>" yO u may asK. Well, nence, so the re's no reason why

yo ur Prurient Ed itors h ave We sh o uldn 't find Oursel ves and

thoug ht abo ut this for awhile, others like us attract; "e. If you

and deCided Oll e of OUr goals is think that yo u have:.' SOm ething

to ero ticise the person w ith HIV. that the fedders Would like to

That's til C reasOn w h y yo u see so see, send us some shots of yo ur足 mU ch sm ut in this m agaZ in e. self. Centerfold pix sh o uld be We're a11 s till seX ual crea tures, no 8"xlO", but 3"x5" wi ll do for ini足 maner how mUch OU r ever-so_ tial Submiss ions. Concerned

z( C:)

- .::::.~~---

lipping il l11ent, I pop the II with a click, and I light. It feel s goc home. I just fi 111 ~1 rClnd of the day : .I with this ch;:trmi 10 whom I sell nl\

It seems an eqlli l

"II th e way ClnIL he's on a DDC HI ple running tlw ... co urse, prefe r I It both these dru g :. "clean" dC1t;:t. -;cems to hav e iIi he wants to slay, I g uess I can SIIj' I

U n the other h i l i d o n't trus t tho.路;\" ,1Ilalogues. (Ok, years taking lilllc' lilled w ith n l l l l ,

Page 17

I•

by Link Alexander grab the remote. I'm jus t in time fo r "Bewitched", m y favorite show. (I mu st confess tha t I'm in Jove w ith Larry Tate.)

'P'''

SiPPing into my ment, I pop the hosp o n the lock with a click, and th en flip OIl the light. It feels good to finoll y be home. I jus t fini s hed m y las t er rand of the d ay: a covert meeting with this cha rming young man to whom I se ll m y AZT. It seems an equitoble exchonge 011 the way a round. You see, he's on 0 DOC s tud y. The peo ple running the s tudy w ould , of course, prefer that he not use both these drugs so as to co llect "clean" d a ta . H owever, he seems to have his o wn agendo; he wants to stay ali ve. I guess I can support that. ()n the other hand , I p ersonally don't trust those sill y nucleoside .analogues. (Okay, so I spent wars taking little plastic baggies IiUed with non-descript w hite

powd ers from cute bikers ond injecting the contents into m y arm. And now you Con't get me to touch a nything without exten si ve stud ies on long-term toxic ity . Tim es d o change.) So ... with AZT bein g the only thing thot co nserva ti ve 01' Kaiser Perm is w illing to suppl y, I take those fobulo us te n d oll cH prescriptio ns and sell the m for one hundred (lnd fift y bucks. Quite 0 tid y profit marg in, e h? Besides, it enobles me to offord my oh-so expensi ve-bu t-oIte rno ti ve-trea t ment-frie ndl y pri vote physician. Tha nk good ness for prescription pIons.

Oh, you may be curious abo ut m y choice of kitty nomencla ture. Allow me to explain. Every cou ple of v-reeks or so, I change their n(lmes to either A) Some trea t me nt I' ve been heoring about, B) Th a t trea tme nt' s s id e effects, o r C) The name of my latest diog nosis. This helps me to p ro nounce those word s be tter. Then, when I tolk to m y d oc tor, I sound intelligent and well-in form ed. (I just changed their names from Neutripeni (l , Levomisol, and agranulocy tosis.> The onl y draw back, how ever, is tha t the kittens just won' t mind .

I w alk into my li v ing room and am greeted by my three ca ts, Toxo, Cla ra, and IiI' Cyto (that's short fo r Toxoplosmosis, Clorithrom ycin, and Cyto mega lov irus). They're staring a t me with th a t guilty little w e threw-up-som ething-on-the-an sw ering-machine look on their fa ces. Ra ther than check, I slump d own onto the couch a nd

As the TV. turns m y mind into a grey Siurpee, I try to think of the gifts in my life that just wouldn' t be conceivable without this epi d emic. After DPN and Bob Ross undermining any credibility he may have had by his attempted hatchet job of Ruth Brinker, I draw a blank. My mind devotes itself to Darren, Sam, Endorra, and espe cia lly Larry, and I fall asleep .

Page 18

CAPTAIN CONTEST Who is the luckypersonwho won the "Give the Captain aNew Ha,irdo" con test? No one. That's right, no one. That's because no one entered l 'Okay, okay, Will Frederico did send in asub mission, but Mbroke arule so basic that it wasn 't even mentioned in ihe guidelines: No sideburns. Will was also rather presumptuous in his re designing the Captain's outfit as well Shame on you, Will, but you win fab ulous prizes forlrying. , Lots af people sent in cards and letters begging for the Captain's 'do to re main just the way it is. ' Our pal Wendell Ricketts summed it up the , best. "Mr Thome,you can'tctrange Captain Condom's hairstyle, you just can't. As a first-time reader, I realize that this is slightly forward, buLSee, Captain Corrdomand me, we had an immediate conneclion. He's (choke) perfect. In fact; Captain Condom is '. my God. He gets my honker thrum ming. He has.. , Merchant-ivory hairll Alright, it's not like I'm afetishist or anything, but / do have this thirig aboutthe {i!fle hank of hair that falls over certain boys' eyes, just so... You can brush it out of the way, chew on it - and it's ti7e perfect fuck-rein, yes it is. (Can I get an 'Amenl"?) Please. Don't cut Captain Condoms's hair" Well, Wendell, you're obviously aman of taste and distinction. How could we sarno? You too get fabu lous prizes

Page 19

(Cranky Words continued from

page 6) complications can result in a severe financial burden for the group. Moreover, th e frus tration for idealistic young doc tors about not being able to save their charges from death and de bilitude is bound to take its toll. With that in mind, KP has simplified their guidelines for HIV to lessen the strain it causes on its staff. It's called "T-Cell 200". Here's how it works: If a patient is ill and has a T-cell count of less than 200, he's a loss. When the triage nurse makes a decision as to who will get the one rem aining oxygen tent, the with ered clone with pneumocystis or th e sixteen year-old virgin with a sprained ankle, it goes to the virgin, of course. After all, she has so many more productive yea rs ahead of her making babies, and she was probably an inno cent victim of that cheerleading accident anyway. If a patient co mes in complain i ng of HI V rela ted problems, but has a T-cell count high er than 200, he is told that " [inser t complaint here] is not an AIDS defining OI." and that he should go home and try to be less of a h ypochondriac For example, your Cranky Editor went in to KP complaining of what they d escribed as "merely " tonsillitis. Tonsillitis without ton sils? Sounds more like a lymphatic problem to me. Such questions are invari ably answered with, "We' re the doctors here, son," although

the nurse took the chance to add her own, "Pa in builds character, young man." It was only after I had d eveloped (temporary) facial paralysis, lost 10 pounds from not being able to eat (mostly in my butt), and brought unsubtle threa ts from my outside physicia n that KP started to believe I wasn't fakin g. "The outside physician is the key If to proper treatment. m edicine is to be a right in this country, it will be like every other right we have, something ' that has to be fou ght for to get and to be maintained. In my case, I have Dr. McShane, who I hardl y ever see in the flesh, but who helps me navigate the treacherous passages of KP's labyrin thine system. Some tim es merely invoking his name is enough: " Dr. McShane? Oh no! Why did you say that name while I am wearing my best white pants' No no... !" For more recalci trant MDs, gen tle phone calls usually suffi ce. So th e question of whose na tional health care model we as a na tion will follow has been an swered: the Soviet's. Well train ed doctors but long waits and nonexistent services if you stay within the system, and much better care the more cre ative and tenacious you are out side the ru les. Russians bake cakes and offer other hard to find delica cies to their doctors in order to get immediate treat ment afterhours or on the weekends. I wonder if that will work here. - B. 1'.

, 'klOce to 11 builds ." It was l'veloped ld[alysis, lot being Illy butt), (' threa ts ician tha t I wasn't

i.-; the key If ht in this kl' every 1I11ething l or to ge t I In my ilL', who I Ilcsh, but gdte the of KP's Some ing his 1cShane? say that ring my \l no .. "r" Il)s, gen s uffice.

HE FEL TTHAT LAST ISSUES CAPTAIN CONDOM WAS TOO OBSCENE. AND WAS UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING IT TO HIS STRAIGHT FRIENDS'

lIt.

" "

'Jr,\ .

, I

lose na I we as a

lcen anWell 19 waits 's if you .In, and lo re cre ,1re out I1S bake hilfd to doctors ll' trea t

WELL . THE CUSTOMER IS

KING HERE AT DPN SO WE

HUMBL YOFFER ARETELLING OF

THAT NAUGHTY EPISODE IN A

WHOLESOME STORYBOOK

FORMAT. PRESENTiNG.. .

th l' hil t will - 13 . 1'.

Oil

Page 20

THE SLEAZY WEASEL USED TO HANG AROUND THE MUD WALLOW AND COMMITUNSPEA/(ABLEACTS'

! lIillfIJf Advmll.

Page 21

I BECAUSE THE SLEAZY WEASEL REMEMBERED THE DEATHS OF HIS FRIENDS MR TOAD AND MS MINK, HE ALWAYSUSED ACONDOM"

'" WHILE THE CU TE LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT FEL TTHAT SINCE iHEPRESiDENT COULON'T SAY iHE "A-WORD , IT WASN'T HIS CONCERN HE CONTRACTED THE 'HIV-WORO",WA S SUFFOCATED BY THt 'PCP-WORD AND OlEO.

AND THE MORAL OF THE

STORY IS "BETTER ASLEAZY

WEASEL THAN ADEAD

BUNNY RABBIT! "

Page 22

B/flyM, Classic BtD I " Ii/II " '" 1III'.tl't','I, ''',', I I 11/' I I " " , ' .111 I, I , ) f.I ill ', // /" , " //,'<" 1' • !',,\"

NAUSEA REVISITED In DPN #2, we took a look at nausea and ways to com bat it. Biffy Mae neglected to address one of the most profound forms of nausea, that caused by chemother apy. Chemo is basically poison, but il special kind that is absorbed more readily the faster a cell is grow ing. Since cancer cells tend to grow explosively and out of control (kind of like the Department of Defense under Republican administrations), they will theoret ically suck up the poison first and die. Unfortunately, there are a few other kinds of cells in your body that ha ve a high growth rate, namely those ill the stomach, intestines, and your hair. So your stomach, which normally renews itself once every four days, konks out and you feel miserable (as if the new Telly Savalis look wasn't insult enough). Your doctor can prescribe a number of anti-nausea drugs with mixed results, but one you might want to look into is an old but somewhat controversial solu tion: marijuana, or more specifically, THC - tetrahy docannabinol. (Oh, wipe that shocked look off of your face') Aside from the counter-barf effect, the ap petite stimulating qualities of THC are renowned, just the thing to keep up your strength while taking bugkiller. Pharmaceutical grade THC comes in two varieties. One is government issued marijuana cigarettes. Now, Biffy Mae has not had the pleasure, but trusted sources say they're pretty awful. Apparently the Feds burn all the good stuff they seize, and grow second rate skunkweed on their plantations because they don't have official access to the latest California hy brids. Too bad. Besides, smoking is a beastly thing to do anyway. The other source of THC that bears the Kiss of Nancy is prescription strength THC capsules. We're not kid ding by saying "prescription strength", either. The potency of the drug (none of it goes up in smoke, and there are no other inhibitors) can lead not to euphoria but dysphoria, where you're too busy sitting around

Page 23

willing your head not to explode that you forget to eat, which was the reason you were taking THC in the first place.

with Biffy

To this dilemma, Biffy Mae offers a humble alternative: the pot brownie. Just think, your medicine is dis tributed throughout the plate of con fections, so you can control the dosage. Capsules, on the other hand, are much harder to halve or quarter. Wha t's more, you can a void tha t ki tty Ii tter taste of your basic pot brownie by taking advantage of some simple chemistry. THC is fat soluble, so you can leach it out into butter and cook with that. No need to get stems and leaves caught in your teeth. Here's how it works:

Biffy Mae's Electric Butter

Melt two sticks of bu fter in a heavlJ saucepan. When melted, saute Olll' hag offinely broken'up, high grade mar ijuana on low I,eat for about 15 III il1 II tes. Orain off the bu t ter alld reserZlt'. Whell flit' pot dregs hllve cooled off enough to 'mudle, wring f/WI/I oul"j(l/' lIny bllffer flint's trapped il1 side. !fyou want to be really eitlcicnt, boil the dregs il1 wa ter to 100s(,11 Iile trapped vuffcr. If will come J10ating to the top. Put flit! water il1 tile refrigerator, and tile /Jutter will solidify so if CIII1 be scooped off easily. The butter comes out clarified, but still Illakes fine brownies, cookies, or ballana bread. The food will taste much beffer than cooking with leaf l1larijuana direct/y, but will still have a sligilfly herbal J1avor. Now remember, we're offering this purely as a medicinal alternative to classic anti-nausea therapy. Heaven knows, we at DPN wouldn't want to be ac cused of promoting prurient drug use, no no. THC comes with a variety of side effects, including im munosuppression, fatigue, and photophobia, so dis cuss it with your doctor, whatever route you decid(' to take. For the reader's edification, we have includerl - B. 1'. a classic brownie recipe.

11, 1',/,"(11/ i 'llIlillll I 1 ' /, "1' III! l'IIi/"" I' } I III!' ,'(lIII:,. d,/ "/'1 '1 I'''' 11 11 ' " (11'1111 ::"'"111 " 1' 11 ·1,..,11 (lVCll In 1/-.11 \

1\ "

ChUCill.l\I' ,11111

Id l ~ ', , ' 11Llkt'-S,li'I ' 1'1'\ \

it .,

,tillllit

2 ll1illlil,"

1I ,.iI ,I ',.lrilll' h ,lS 111,,11,'

II I,' ,'IHlcoliltc h,l~. III (1) ",11' ,1Ild stir lIlllil \\ ' ti ll i,l q.:;gs .11)(1 '. ,"llll,ll'tl'iy mix"d . I 11111 iI

well bJclltk, I 'I '"',ld on to ,1 )',n ' I ,, 'killg pall. B.1k,' I !llillUll'S, or unlil ,I I, ' ,'('II'd in the Cl'lllt-1 , 1,',111 , Cool in Ill\' I ' ,111 ,111 ,'iquMes,

BlillMB

Classic Co 1 ';Iick butter

I, "p Sligar 'liP Bisquick

,III) lIIilk

I (liPS fresh or fr(l::!'11 /, III t'/H' /Ties, ellcnil "', I (I/ h l/If

olle bag fro '.:. <, II ,

I'n'h eat oven to :17'1 '

1"1 ,lnd pour into 1111 " "x 9" Pyrex bilkill: · ,I1 ~ '. ,lf,

Bisquick, .111 I.()wl until all the I'll I',' lile. Don't OVL'l'Ill I'.Ilter over thl' Ilwll

I Bitty Mae's

Classic Brownies

I ·'(I,·lan's UII SlUfetclled cfloco/ate

/ (liP (two sticks) butter , (liPSslisa r

; I'gg ~

>1 10

/ /('a spoon vaII ilia I 1/4 cup all-pll rpose flo II r I Clip coa rsely c!lopped ((Il1ll1l1tS, l'I ','i1I) S, or haze/ lll1ts

" xp lode that

h was ('he reason III IIll' (j rst place.

with

Billy

offers a h.· IJU I browni e. Mae ,·d i.. il!l' is dis 111\ ' pl.lte of (on 1lllru! Ihe dosage. Caps ules, Ill! II. II ilLll"d er to halve or quarter I .I v.,id that kitty litter ta ste 01 I.· by Inking advantage of son1l' III IS fa t solubl e, so you ell1 •111.1 ("(10k with that. No need to ' ·.Il1 g ht in your teeth. He re'.., I V M ,ll'

" 't, J:il'ctric Blttter

/1'1' ill

', clIVlf sauceplln.

WII ,'II

l'n'heiH oven to 350° F. Mi cro \\',1\Ie chocol<tte and butter in il I.lrge nuke-silk bowl on HIGH !Ilr C1 bout 2 minu tl'S, or un til the III,ugarin e has melted. Stir until IIIV chocolnte hil S melted, Add 'oIlgilr and stir until well blended. ';!ir in eggs ilnd vanill<l until 'llmplctely mi xed. Mix in flour ,lllti! w ell blen ded . Stir in nuts. 'ipread on to a g rea sed D"x9" b,lk in g pan . Bake for abou t 40 Illinutes, or until a toothpi ck in '.(·rted in th e cen ter comes out • lea n . Cool in the piln; c ut into ·. mall squares.

111It'1}1/}f( lkctI up, high g rade 111111 'lillI ,S lIIil/utes. Drain off til(' /1111 Ii' 111 '/ dress have coo/rd 0ffcl/ollx"

Biffy Mae's

ClaSSIC Cobbler

butter that's trapped ill 'illlif ,'/Ii(il'llt, boil the drrgs iI/ 1(1(/ 11 /" 1 (//lll

11/11/,.,.. l11Oil/ co mefloating to II,,· ',' 1 1'11I~,<('mlvr, and thr butter 7(lill /,,1"II t'IIsiit/. The buNer COI1 II'S 0111 IIII( /lI'Ilwi,i('s, cookies, or ball (//I II I,. /Jetter thlln cookillg 7/'ill, '11I1 111ill ,. ; /ill IIave a s ll~~htly II!'I/ Ili/

","d,

I slick blilter I (liP sliga r I ( liP Bisquick / ( lip milk I (liPSfreS h or frozcll blackberrics,

/,llI c/Jerrics , ch('frics, or peaches

[,. "Ikring this purely ,1S ., I " .'I ,ISSi<' .Inti-nausea th t'r.q '\ I )I'N wOlildn ' t want to lw ,I' "lIi"111 drug use, no no . Till "I ' 01.11' l'(fvds, including illl ' ),, 111 ', ,111.1 phlltOphobi.1, so "", 1I , IV h,lkv~'r rllute YO ll d.·, I , I, · , .·. !i!i' ''l lioll, WI' I1.1 V(· ill"" ',!," !

1\ I

III/lout one !7ag fro zen)

I'rl'heat oven to 375°F. Melt but ,md po ur into the bottom of a '/'..... 9" Pyrex baking pan . Mix '''I);<1r, Bisquick, and milk in a I'" wl until a ll the big lumps a re 1',IlI1l'. Don' t overmix l Pour th e I',lI11'r over the melted butter in It 'I'

the baking pan. Sprinkle th e frui t over the ba tter and bake for 45 minutes to an h o ur, or until the to p o f the cobbler is bubbly and golden brown (cooking time varies with the fruit used). Ser ve warm with vanill a ice cream , (Before adding the fruit, yo u can season the peaches with a little cinnamon, th e cherries wi th a touch of ginger, but leave th e be rries pla in.)

Gretchen Mae's

Fat Man's Delight

3/4 Clip chocolote 1m!cr cnllllbs

Johnny Mae's

Microwave Macaroni

and Cheese 2 cups milk 3 ta/l/cSpiJO I7 ScOl'll starcl, 2 ClIpSgrated cheddl7r clll'esc (abollt 601l1Ices)

[1/2 lcaspoo /l salt I 2 ta[J/l'spooJ7S bll/ fer Freshly groll /ld 1Il'IIPcr 6 CLIpS cooked IIloCO/'{lIIi (o/mlll 2 (1I 11S dry [2 lobll'~poollS gmlcd ol7 io l1/

f7 (({ II sllOlc IOI IlIlI ('~ , dmillcd al7d

Cllt ill 1/2 ill. ell/I(,:; /

{ 6 sl ices cri~1' /n)COII, CI""l/hlcli/

toblespooll bllfll'r, ilwltt'd 7/2 Clip bllffcr 1 Clip colljcctiollcr's sligar 1 egg '[ tCOSPOO II (7{1/7il/a Ill'm11j crCl7 /1l

., CIII'

2 l ob/cspo(ills cOllfccliol7cr's sllgor 7 teaspooll 1'{7I1il/a agaill 7/2 CLIp chopped sal/ cd peca ll s Combine the crumbs and melted butter, pat half on the bottom of a greased 8" square pan " nd chil l. Crea m butter and sugar until li ght and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla , beat well. Sprea d over crumbs. Whip th e cream, g radually beat in s u ga r and va nilla. Spread over th e top . Spr inkle w ith pecans and re maining cookie crumbs. Cover wi th alum inum foil and freeze until firm . Remove from freezer and let s ta nd 20 minutes before serving.

Salmonella Warning: Even Dea r Abby says you should watch o ut for uncooked eggs. Biffy Mae has yet to have a bad expe rience, but you never know. Use cau tion if you are susceptibl e.

[In gred ients in br,K ke ts a rc op tionaL] Combine th e milk ilnd co rnstarch in a '10" x 8" mi crowave s2Ifc cdssa rol e di sh Clnd cook, uncovered o n HIGH for 4 min ues. Whi s k in cheese, salt, butter, <l nd pepper. Fold in toma toes, bacon , on ions, and cooked macaroni . N uke, unco v e red , on HIGH for 5 minutes. Remove from oven. Serve hot. To cook bClcon in the microwa ve. Arrange six slices o f bacon on a nuke-snfe dish covered with four layers of paper towels. Cook on HIGH for 6 1/ 2 minutes. If you're starting with fro zen bacon, it can be a bitch to separate the frozen slices. Do like Joh.n ny MCle and cu t chunks off crossw ise, cu t in 1/ 2 inch strips, and defros t (or HIGH for 30 seconds if y our nuker has no d efros t setting). Separate and coo k. For reheat able portions, wrap portions in tw o la yers of plastic wrap (car cinogenic - we should live so long) and freeze. To defros t, heat on HIGH for 3 minutes. Decan t into bowl and cook till bubbly.

Page24

UII

" I \ ,, 11

Condom Corner

" " \ " "I d I 1\' 11 11, 11 ), 111

Il i ll>lI )'. I I " I 1 ' \ ~ d t If ! ~

All that

I•

•

All condoms sh o uld be made of latex, but a ll that is latex is not necessaril y a condom. Huh? What else is there? Well, there Me other kinds o f oral sex yo u know, rimming and cunnilingus. (The readers will please for g ive that last word. We try to avo id bristly La tina te jar go n a round h e re, but the alterna ti ves "pussy licking" or th e a u th or 's personal fa vori te, "ru g ch ew ing," w ould ce rtainly have us on so meone's hit lis t.) Rimming (ilnilingus for yo u nau g ht y MPH s who ilre slumming tonight) may not be th e most v irulent way to pa ss HlV, but it is a grea t w a y to ca tc h hepatitis -B o r ilmoe bas. And for cunnilingus, the jury is s till out on e xactly h ow much risk it poses, thou g h it wo uld stand to reason that it increases durin g menstruilti on. So w hat do yo u do if yo u wa nna d og down on your partner but a re concerned about these iss u es? Try a la tex d a m. Latex dams, known also by the alliterative " dental dam" are thin s hee ts of la tex o riginall y used by denti s ts for horribl y Page2S

inva s iv e procedures lik e root canals. To soothe the an xious patient, they come in a variety of colors and flavors, including va nilla, stra wberry, a nd mapl e. From so ig n ominiou s a s ta rt, some clever soul m ade a mome nto us discov ery: For a good time, firmly gr ip the shee t of la tex bet ween bo th hand s, press it again s t you r partne r's eage r butth o le or pul sa tin g vulva, a nd do whate ve r yo u normall y do, through tflr! fntLY . (No, w e' re no t bein g e vasive on this po int, it's jus t not our place to lec ture you on s tyle.) Be sure to mark the dam w ith a n on reve rsibl e le tter, s o yo u don 't inadvert e ntly confuse yo ur p a rtner 's s id e w ith yo ur ow n and ca tch cooties. Now , let's get rea l for a second here, fo lks. Dental dams were or i g inall y designed for o r a l s urgery, not ora l sex. The la tex is thick and clunk y, and o ur fearl ess bubble-butt s urfboy sla ves h av e compl a in e d of rubb e r burn and ton g u e fa ti g u e. N ever fear, gentle readers, help is a t hand. Simpl y ta ke a rubb er, preferably thin and lub e-free (try Gold Coin,

III. III ;III \' I I

' 01 til I.l r k " ltI 1.,dID, I II II. , 1\", 11' )" h • ,'1111 " 11 1,11 I. II ,Ii f

latex •

not necessarily a condom.

, 111 '1' 1 "I

\ I I, I

Ii I 11'1 I '

III ". ' I

'" II

11.1 ' I) ', II.liI "

I II ' ,I

.I ~,

\' .

, 1""11" ',

h, )', I,

1\' " IT

'1 1I 1L llllll \ ,!I I "II'

\ " II I'

1' "

Saxon Ultra Thin , C rown , o r I\ey ond) a nd snip o ff th e ti p with a pair of scisso rs. Th en cut thro ug h o n e s id e o f th e ro ll ed ( o ndom a nd unr o ll. Voil a, Cl sh ee t o f l a t ex mu c h thinn e r tha n a n y indu s trial d Cl m' Still ta s tes like th o u sa nd year old ball oo n s? Tr y s mea rin g a little Astroglid e on it. The high glyce rin content w ill Cilncel o ut that fatill fla vo r. An o ther p o tential route for HIV inf ection is th ro u g h cut s a n hCln g nClil s o n yo ur fin ge rs. So, ju s t ClS yo u h o p ed thClt yo ur do rm 's Food Se rvice e m p loyees w o r t' g loves t o kee p fr o m co ntilmin a ting yo ur din d in , yo u ca n we<1I" g lo ves to pro tect your p Cl rtll l' r a nd y our se l f

durin g fin ge rfu c kin g a nd fi s tin g. Th e fun thin g is, yo u d o n ' t have to tell peopl e abo ut g l oves. Leave a b ox o ut in so me waitin g room a nd they' ll s ta rt puttin g them o n , s nCl pping th e m into pl ace a nd d o in g Dr. Stra ngelove impe rsona ti on s. Fo r th e econo my mind ed , there a re fin ge r cots: littl e rubbe rs for indi v idu a l fin g ers. P e rfec t if yo u ' r e d a tin g Littl e Mi ss Beg inner a nd a g l ove is t oo intimida tin g . The FDA has jus t stClrted se ttin g g ui del in es fo r la tex g loves, so th e qUCllit y va rie s quit e Cl bit. Q UI' fe a rl ess vo lunt ee rs prefe rred Di g it ex bra nd for its ne utril l co lor, od or, Cl nd fl a vo r. A n s e ll, mak e r o f fjn e gard e n h oses w orl dw id e, WCl S o n the bo tto m of th e li s t du e to th eir

sulfe ro u s s m e ll. Ve t e rinar y g loves a re th e h o t it e m ri g ht no w b e ca u se of th e ir fa s hio n a ble e lbow le ng th , a nd yes, if y ou ' r e r e all y int o w alkin g on th e wild side, som e brand s o ff er a s tr a wb e rr y fla vore d g love. As k y our d entis t. By the way, there ha ve been n o s tudi es about the effecti ve ness o f u s ing Sa r a n Wrap for s phin c te r c h ew in g, d es pit e w ha t yo u've seen in the p o rn o m ov ies . It seems tha t the re cHe littl e por es th a t mi g ht l e t infec tio u s Clge nt s thr o u g h . If yo u jus t go tta use it, o ur pa ls Ci t th e Co ndom Resou rce Ce nter s u gges t takin g tw o s h ee ts of pl Cls ti c w rap a nd s m e arin g som e sp c rmi cidCl I lube betwee n to m a ke ,) sClfe r se x s Cind w itch . A n y bu gs th ot could cross Iflill k i 11 d 0 f b (lr r j e r w 0 u I d h ,) V L' infected yo u fr om d oork n obs or toiiC't sea ts CI lon g tim e Cl go - G. T.

A sumptuous display of late harvest treats

Page 26

Porn Potato

CONSTRUCTING PORN

The Opening Up of I(evin Wi lliams " Th l'

f'l'l)f, ll' wu uld S,)I( th,)t 01 ' r't)1"I1 l'l)t,)tl) lil 'c~ in hi s uwn rl' ,l litv, l.(l',)11y IH)W , ju ~ t bl'c,HI ~e 11(' l' Xf'l'l:h ,)11 thL' ml'n ~l' lf - lubricdting ,)nd C')f,,)bk l)f Inultipk il'n-minute or g ,) SIII ~ I\' i t h n 11 rl' f r ,) c t l) r y pl' riod ~, O r 111 ,)y bc it '" the W,) v hl' bllids hi ~ Min bl' hind hi s l),Kk just so w hen fu ck in g so m e tw inki l', or I'ull s his shirt OIl'!" hi s nec k in thM ridiculou s W,): (~ Ii ll I(',wing the .Hm ~ thl'llu gh the o1rmhoil' s) whill' being serl' iced in the ~tilnd -up Sl'X joints , N o , it's Iw t thai r\)1"11 rl)t,)to li l'es in hi s own rl'" litv, he's li v ing in somcone C'lsc 's: thdt llf the f'OI"l1 bu y ing public. SUIl1L'

y,)' " l'V , flurn is ,) SL'lt con t,) in cd 0 r id, 0 n C' t h ,) t t he c u s t llllll' r defin es b y wh,)t h e f'UI'ch()~l" When WilS the lilst t im e I'lHI S,)W w

Page 27

M,)kin g of f)isgcr Tltoll Lill'''? Su re, tllL're's tlK' "J eff Stry kl'r Fi Ie " lH w h:) tevl'!" the) t fl ick is c ,1 I Ie d , b II tit's ,) rl'trosf'ecti I'e of thL' film leg end , not the fi v e-fool'-s i x f,uck Il1,Hked cre,)ture w h o h,)s to flut hi~ 11) ,) keup on wit h ,) f,,) le-tlL' k nife, ,lnd Whl)Se dingdll n g i sn ' t rl',)lI y th ,)t big ", /\s t,H dS th e rl',)litv gl)eS, inquiring mind s ju s t dlll/t W,)I)t to kno w, Y ou c,)n sel' thl' ucc,lsiun,) 1 l' ,)l11l' r ,) m ,)n in thl' c l,) ss i c edge l3rotlwrs film s, but I h l' I' h ,)\ 'l' I 1l) fl IT k n .., e 0 f P I u l'. ') hL' IT W,)S ,)I SLl ,) 1) ,)J)l ,)/ing lngv .., Cl' n L' l) f ,) fi 1m c,) I IL- d /\ II s Ill :'; (tL'rribk Jllovie), w hcn' till' slHlnd w,) ~ m i xe d imf'r ') f'l' rl ~y ,)nd thl' du l l, b l,bL' I'\)i cc of the director Cd n be h L' ,Hd g i v in g the m ode l s in structions, I t ,)I so fe ,)lun'~ some ulltt,l k es ,) t the end, thl' on l v th,)t I\)rn r'llt,ltl) h,)s ever Sl'l'n, ThL'sL" howel'l' r, ,He rdrl' l'xcq'tillns, T h ,l l 's w h y ['urn Put,)tu lu st Cll uldn ' t ke ~ p hi s l'y l'S (,)1 1 fi vc llf 'e m' ) uff pf Til l' Best o( Kc ,' ill Willillll/ S, Here Wl' Sl'e th e rl' " l thing, you ng chi cke n wing KCI' il' pOll trelnsfllrml'd frllm ,ln illitl'riltl' bLlxbllY ilt c1 Sc1r ,) tLlg,) Safew<'l y

grocer y s tore to p\)J'1l S telr DickthrLlb o t Pruri e l1t !\ mcri c a, Wh,)t C,ll1 VlHI S,1)'7 Porn Pot ,)to Ii kL's th,)t, We s tMt llif with Kl'I ' i l' ill til(' bl'd rl)() Jl1 l) t Sl) me s Ie" /. V Nor th J-ioll vw OLld fI,)t (,)S l'I'idc"IlCl'd by the ' dL' ,)tL'l1ing Irl'l'w ,) 1' l1oi s~' (\ lInin g throu g h Ih l' w -indo w), 1\lthough I)(" s SUflflosed III be the stoH, the IT,) I ellll'rt,)il1n1l'llt is thL' unSl'l'n dirl'ctllr ,1I1d the things hl' .'-;,lVS.

III

It,

I I II

/I.

'"~ Ii

" Don ' t IVe,lr ,1I) V w.1tchl's o r Il'\\'[' I 1'1' w hilL' J11 od~' lil1 g, tlll' v il',)vL' d is tr.1clin g tdn lin e~ .. , Y()LI l ook J11uch better w ith Y(lur chll) do w n; ,11",,)I'S 1,1(l' thl ' C,) I11L'r,) w ilh vo ur ( h i 11 ' d u w n .. ,-I 1I I' I) V I ) U r but t t h l' C,1I1)('r,) ,1I1d "f' l'l'old t(1t)~l' cheL'k~ , .. " WhOLlPSI Thi s ,1\' ti tl J1 v i elds ,)11 un sig l{tl y porn cr iJl1 L, 1 Th e h,) ir in Kl'vil"s cr,) c k contr,)s ts ~',)iIlFull y w i th hi s otherw ise SI1l\)\)th l'xtl' ri \)r, Pllrn ~lLlt,) to doesn' t Ii kl' th ,1I, ,md I1l' i t h l' r ,) ~' P,11' l' n t I : d Lll' S t h L' direct\H, /\ di sl' J1lb\)di ed h cl ilei w ielding electric c l ip~l e r s sa ves till' d c1\!, !\hhh, mu ch better. Direc tor 8ill (B i ll ? Willic1m 7 Wi lli c1 111 Hi gg in s? Purn pot.HU sin ks t\) his knee~ in ,)w c,) c)sks our y oung hern tt) com e for th e C<'l Inl' r,) , Kl'v ie-k i n" ,) l i t tie r \:'t ic e nt , w h <l t w it h t IH'

• Nere 's how to have fun at home with geometry Knowing Jeff Stryker's actual

Williams

," I' ~ I(lrt' t o Porll St.l r

I"" ,ll o r l' ruril' llt A rn el'ie ,l

,I , ,," VOU S'ly? 1'0 1'11 l'O [.lt(l

111,1 1 .1. 11'1 (I II w ith Kel'il' ill til,' ' ''" 111 III so me Sk,l i' Y No rlil I II "," l 11,1t (,l S l 'I ' idl:n ced b\' ,I",Iil'llillg frl' l' w,l Y n(li s ~' III )', IIHough t h e W illLi (lW ), '111 )',11 hl" s S U~)~)o s l' d t(l bc till' I II<' 1'\,,11 l ' llil'ri ,lilllllL'1l1 is 11ll' " ' II d,rt'cto r ,1Ild th l' thin g s I1\'

Iori g h t I ights a nd all the attention. IIlIt ma y be if Mi c h ae l (H e n so n ) I!lok his clo thes off, he co uld get i t III', y es ? No t quite, but ma yb e i f were to f uck tv lik ey "('v in .. .Director Bill : " I dunno, do vou want to fu ck him ?" M ike: " I dunno, D oes he want m e to fuck him ?" Kev in: " I dunno, d o yo u lVant to f u c k m e?" Su c h ('nthu s i ~s m ,

"Well, this is hig hl y unusual for an Int e r v i ew , but OK. You lik e it oI ogg y sty le, don ' t y ou ? Oh , o n VDu r back ... illl r ight. M ic h ile l l " Y l>U see, Mikey is go i ng to be Mr. William s fir s t film f li ng , ,l nd I Jirec to r Bi ll i s co n cern ed ilbou t oI(' s tro yi ng th e m~gic o f til!.' Iliomen t, ,1S though Kevin's hy men were still intilct or someth in g. H e ,'nd s up p ry in g th em ~pi1rt, so th e " interview" c(ln co ntinue in a mllre (lrthod,)x man ner.

A fter th e inter v iew, the v iewer is ' treated to scenes of th e hi g h g loss, shrink wrapp ed Kev in Williams th at we all know and love. Amo ng those is his d eb ut on the f li ckering ca thod e rily tu be, t h e mils sage sce ne from "B i g G uns". A l so included: th e legend il ry " tw inkie on a l az y su san " v i gn e tt e from " H o t Rods ", ~ nd a r are K evin -asÂ Top-Miln sce n e from Bild Boy s' C lu b . So tll eh(lw th e ta rt see m s m ore swee t now thilt Porn Pot(l[O h ilS see n th e kneadi n g of the do ug h. On a sC clle of one tIl (i ve eyes, The 81'S! 0/ KC(lili Wil/it7ll1;; opened thn'e-,l nd-one-h,l l f.

()ur h ern fin il il y dIlL's sh oot hi s "'old , but doesn ' t wilnt to t urn h is rump to t h e caIlll' r ,l , Wh y ? ill'cil use he sn uck i1 buttplug w hen 1111 one WilS looking. " Shilme' " S;-l YS Iile direc to r , Mieh ilt' l is shocked ,

Is porn

actually

a social

11'1 IV(',H ,11lV w,llc hl'~ 0 1 " I' ",hill' mod:'lillg, till'\' IL',H'l' 101 ' lill g t;lll lil1 l's ... You IO(lk " 1'('11<'1' w ith vo ur chill dOWIl , 1\, 1.1,( ' tht' c,; IllL'r,l w ith Y,Hl r d(>l1'1i .. Tur n your b u tt til l' '101 .Il1d S ~) I 'l"ld t"lOse chec ks ....

construction

of reality?

"'I "'! I'his ,l c tion vil'ld s ,In

):1"" l'orrlcrinlL" T hl' h;-lir ill

II "" ( r,l t'k (Ontr ,lst s p ,l in fulh'

III ~ 1l11H'rw iSl' slllooth ex tl'riol ',

I I" ' i.illl dOl'sn't lik,' th,lt , ,l ilt!

1" " ,1 1'f),Hl'ntly do es t h, '

, 111 1 /\ disembod i ed h illl , 1

111 1)', (' I,'dri( clippers Sil yes till'

'"lih, lIlu ch better. Direct(l l

I llrl l .' W illi alll? Willi ,llli

; i il .. I'll"" ~) otclto sin ks tLl hi,

.. III ,111'(', ) ,I;.ks our yLl ung ill'rll

' 11 '1" IIII' II", (',llllL'ril . Kev ic-kil b

I I!' , ,' li n' " I , w il ,11 w it h 1111 '

II/:/n !II/tIwill!) Jell Slryker 's ar:/I/,/!

Th e unseen ca m era miln gigg l es, Amazingly enough, K ev in b lushes in emba rrilssm en t, w her e throwing his legs up and gett in g plow ed in fro nt of t h e came r a did nothing . Porn Potato li kes thilt, too.

~~~1 The Best of Kevin William s (ÂŠ 1990 by Catalina Stu dios)

On a sCille of one to fiv e of Porn Potato's eyes, this mov ie opened three~a nd -one-ha Ii.

IJ"IOhl, Iry 10 calculale his weenie size Ihe nexllime you see him in a lull length shot.

Page 28

eat

ark e t

~~~~~.~.~. 000 0 0· ®

000 . @ @®

Peuple will renlly gel ~jOll r rnessnge when YUll lise ulIr injorJ1znlive nnd eye-cnlchil1~ Menl Mnrkel syl1lbols' Ol1ly $5.00 npiece ! Specify by l1u/1Iber when YOll plnce .'lUll r nd. TO PLACE AN AD: So here's the ([In!! Ih e Mel7t Ml7rkel works, friel1ds YUlI CI7I1 say nllylhing excepl "slmighll7clillg." The first 50 wurds I7re free, Cllcry word I7fler Illot is 70« enell. Use YOllr firsl 1117111C, lIicklll7l1lC, or PCII 1117/1/(: , tlnd Ijo llr P.O. Box. DUll 'I li ~ t .110111" 1IOIIIC oddress or pitolle 1I11111llcr. If YOII dUII ' t Ill7ve rI P.O. Box, wc'lI tls::.igll YOII 17 OPN /Jo::.kct rllld I/Oll r Illoil ,pill be /ll{,(l'Ilrded. . TO REPLY TO A OPN BASKET: Wrilc IjOllr letter 1711£1 pll7ce it ill 0 stolllpcd Cl/uc/ope. Wrile IIIL' OPN /losket ill II/(' lower Itil corner of tll1' cililc lupe. Pllt tlli s ellve/opc illio illloilicr ::. Irllllpcd ell(l(,/opc lu/drcssed 10 OPN I7l1d 111l7il it. EilSI/ rlS pic, ell?

Topeka

He's 6' 3", mid 30 and weighs 190 Ibs. He's got eye s of blue ,1nd he likes hung studs; ac tive, positive, and smart, no time for duds. Come, fill my Basket #10, do it now with you hc1 nd , get it off in the mail to the suave witted m<ln. Significant Figures

Gay white mathematician seeks amicable numbers. Let's conjugate until we're

Page 29

powerless-not just in standard position, but also at various rotations about the pole. I' m positive , complex, smooth, solid, circumscribed, and 11 years old (where 11-1 is a Mersenn e prime). Reply to Basket #00. Door Number One

They Call Me Peter

Because That's my name. I'm 26, 5'11, 150 Ibs., with thick furr y thighs. I live in Portland, Oregon , but trav el frequently throughout the USA, leav ing a trail of pestilential bodily fluids in my wake. Interests: Russian novels (in the original), cowboy boots, singing, motorcycles. I'm seeking contacts in the Northwest (lnd nationwide for dinner, convers,) tion , (l nd / or un s peakClbly vile sex acts. Pl e ase, no New Agel'S or twinkies. Send photos Clnd a short essay de sc ribing what you'd do to my thick studcock to Baske t # 12. Come Nibble on the

Crumbs Left Over From a

Bacterial Banquet

Share <:1 permanent vacation with this spirited pose ur of 3H. A blue-eyed sexual chameleon (i.e., (pitotever Ijo// like boili/), hi s other interests includc t;lpless motoring, acid-loving shrubs, com bination thera pie s, performance <lrt, and much more. He's like ly to click with an adorClble-looking younger guy who hCls <In edge of unpr e dictability , ,1 strong survival ur ge, allergi es to cigarettes and p e ts , and <I Pla yma te® picnic cooler. P. Deane , P. O. Box 1404, 5,1n Ramon, CA 94583.

W e ll, the germs may have gnilwt'd on the best parts of Your Cr,lI1ky Editor, but whilt's left over is still pr e tty tasty. You should know me by now, but if yo u don't, you can buy the back iss ues of this maga zi ne to find out. I'm 6'1", 155#, dishwClter blond hair, green eyes, and fulfill the stilff requirement that all DPN editors mu s t be hung ,1t least one s tancbrd deviation above ,werage . I have Cln incurable CClse of postalphilia, so send me vo ur «nds, le tters, i1nd proposals of marriage direct to me at DPN world headquMters.

Have you renewed your subscnplion yel? 00 il on page 32'

( lil. ollr poor little rCSOII}'(I' SIII ,II' . II,,' Sl1rill7gc Cl71l o{OPNI DOl'S 11111/ I'"r/y rmlly rmd l!J i~ tllill:~? Wt'il , 1III II 'd /Jetter, 'CI7 //;;1' t!Jere's II ."·(I't'I 11I,'';::'I1,1:C ill II/lrricd ill IIIC.f(J/I(J,( l ill:~ l'tlSS{/,~CS, I7l1d if .'lOll CI7I1 dccur/I' ii, l/illI '1/ will 11 dl7te wit!J 0111' llCrJ/ U{{'II 111l1I1PI/ Editor'

.11

,\ h)

I'· III

Ii, "I

BEING ALIVE /)( 'il1,1:

Alive is a frightenin g ly

'Ilinprehensive monthly new s Idter servicing the Greater I l l.', Angeles area. Published by tilt' I'eople With HIV / AIDS Actiol\ ( 'oalition, this is your one-st(ll' information center for tl1l' Southland, even if they do telHI III be Cl bit dry (hey, no ooe's per !cct l ). Iss ues are chock full ll( f'l'ilctical medicZlI information, in terms of home advice, knowing your disea ses, and announcl' I1wnts of medical protocols. Ihe October issue, for eXCl mple, (ontClins one of the best article.'. on CMV retinitis thZlt [ have e ve r see n. P(lft of it WClS reprin ted ['rom literClture put out by youl' huddies at Syntek, mClkers of the phantom drug gancyclovir, and included a sort of visual caIibr.l lion grid that you can use to test your eyesight everyday.

"I ,d

II< III

VI II '

I II .11

III \ I

III

[I, '.('

[',

f',11

ttl

1-1

/\ 1 II I

I\lso included is Cln a nnounce ment of a Peptide T study being performed by USc. This in .. dudes detailed questions and ,lJ1swers about the study, plus el igibility requiremen ts. Another ,nticle explores the differenc('~; hetween psychological chClog(''. ill response to living with AIDS,

1,1 ~"; I

III (

.L." .

Il, .d ·

.I ,

~fj (i)

Announcements

rIO, ()II ,

~a" Me Peter tI' ~,

m y name. I'JlI Ib s., with thi ck I li ve in Portla nd , , Ir<l ve l frequentl y I Ill' USA , lea v ing ,1 \'111ial bodil y fluid " Illteres ts: Ru ss ielll " ori gina l), cow boy )'" m l1 torcyeles. I'm ')Jlt;)ct s In th,' nd na tionwid e for 1'1'l'sa tion , a nd /ol' Iv viJe s ex acb. New Ager s 01' "11d photo s and a d escrib in g w h a l Ill y thick s tudcock I)

)

~;bble on the eft Over From a -;al Banquet

", ' rillS ma y ha ve Ihe b es t pil rt s of I':ditor, but whilt 's :·, 1i IJ pr e tt y til s ty know m e by now, ()Jl ' t, yo u ca n bu y "S (I f this m il g()Zil1l' I' m 6'1", 155 # , 11() lld h ai r, g ree n Ilil fi IJ th e s t,) ff lh()t all DPN I 1)(' hung a t leelst I d(' viat io n ilblwv 1.1\'" ,1 n in c urc) blt II >il ili ,l, so se nd nw ktt ers, an d 111,II'I'i.lge direct to ')11 , I Iw,ldquClfte rs.

our poor lillie l'eSOllrc(' g il ide,

til(' snri)(7Sc Cf7 11 of DPNI Docs (711.'1 /I(lliy I'C(7 JJy r('(ld tilis til illS,! WeJ/, 1/011 '£1 /Jelfel', 'Cl7 l1 Se tllCl'e 's 17 secre t

I/I('S5(78e ill /Jurried ill tl/('fOI I01[1illg 1'1755(781'5, 1711£1 if .11011 ((7 11 dccndc it , I/U II 'J/ will (7 d(7tc willi 0 111' /Icn/ mPII 1IIIIIIPif Editor l .

BEING ALIVE HeillS Alive is a fri g hteningl y compre hen s ive m o nthly news letter servicing th e G rea te r Los Ange les are() . Publish ed by the Peo pl e With HIV / AIDS Ac tion Coalition, thi s is your one-stop info rmation cente r for the Southla nd, even if th ey do te nd to be a bit dry (h ey, n o on e's p er fect l ). Issues are ch ock full of pra c tica l m edical information, in terms of h ome ad vice, know ing your diseases, a nd announce ments o f medica l protocols.

The Octobe r iss ue, for example, contains on e of th e bes t articles on CMV reti niti s thelt I helv e ev er seen. Part of it WilS reprinted from litera ture put o ut by yo ur buddies a t Syntek, makers of the ph a ntom drug gancyelo vir, and included a sort of visual calibra tion g rid tha t yo u ca n use to tes t yo ur eyesight every d ay. Also included is a n announce ment of a Peptide T s tudy being performed by USc. This in cludes d etail ed ques tions and ,mswers a bout the study, plus el igibility req uire m e nts. Ano ther ,lrtiele explo res the diffe rences he tween p sycholog ical changes in respo n se to liv ing with AIDS,

and full -bl ow n AIDS dem enti;) . A rticles nn dietarv ad vice seem to be a (fo rg ive m ~) s tCl ple in tl1i s paper, ilild a sy nopsis of the ma Jor articles is prov ided in Spanis h . Beillg Alive is capabl e of intro spec tio n, too. La s t m o nth's iss ue deCllt wi th some of the ques ti on s about accepting tClinted m on ey from Philip M orris, as well as the m e rits of m ov ing or keeping th e Vlllth Inte rnationill AIDS Con fe rence in th e U.s. Bcill8 AIil'C is Cl s taid but so lid and ex tre me ly info rmati ve HIV reso urce. A s ix month s ubsc rip ti on is $12.00, $20 gets yo u a year. Poor folks CCl n ge t it for free, ilnd donations are not s purned. Drop th e m il line a t 4222 SCl ntil Monica Bl vd., S uite 105, Los Angeles, CA 90029

POSITIVE PLUS H e re 's a brCl nd ne w newsletter serving the Lehigh Valley Clrea of Pennsy lva nia . Being th e firs t is s ue, it 's a bit high on introduc tory sorts o f s tuff, but the n w e know wha t th a t's like, d on't we? N ice approach on li ving w ith AIDS as o pposed to suffering from it. Pos itive Plus will gener ously loan an electric typewrite r for thirty days to people so they can write articles. Check 'em o ut. Subscriptions are free, w rite Consumer Committee, AIDS Service Center, P.O. Box 1800, Be thleh e m , PA 18016. They will al so gracio us ly accept yo ur tax d ed u c tible d onations. - B. T.

RENEW YOUR SUBS! This issu e closes the firs t year of DPN, and we couldn't ha ve done it without you, yes you, our dear readers. If we could, we'd take each and ev ery one of you into our warm bosom and smother you with kisses. But since that isn' t possible, we can only say this: Renew your s ubscriptions, you worms! If your mailing label says "Paid through issue #4 ", then this ish is the last you get. send in those tender greenbacks before the price goes up with the n ex t iss ue! There's n o excuse, unless of course you're dead, in which case why haven't you put us in your will, hmm?

WHAT'S NEXT? Dbn't miss DPN #5, the First Anniversary Issue. At leas t it would hav e been if we were on time, but what d o you ex pect from a magazine run by sick p eople, after all. Call it the First-and-a-Half AflI1,iver sary Issue.· We'll w elcome Sleazy Editor Michael Botkin, dabble in Dildoes in the Condom · Corner, ride through Dystopia with Sid Gagliardo, see Biffy Mae issue the DPN Taste Challenge for dietary supplements, watch Captain Condom be terribly PI, and of course the incredi

ble. surprise thal you'll have to wait to see, heh heh!

Page 30

Rampant commercialism here at DPN!

Wlu;llIl IJI' I IN,' /ltllI "til' 1 1 1.~1/,

Thoughl-provokmg DPN postcards! Xerox on cheap cardslock Specify "Piss Jesse" (piclured here) or " You're Soaking in /I! " SOe each.

A,''. 111.//.

111.1/. ",/ /II, /I'A ,/ffl l

~.'

/1 I/I'!I 'I

GO 8e Ihe belle 01 /l7e ball IIIlhese 17and足 some !OO% COlloll T-shirlsl " The blood of over 100,000 Americans who have died of AIDS, Mr. President? Why, you're soaking in it!" Tile graphic 1/7al {l17ced ollr lirSI cover Red ancl IJlack all while Specily Large 01 Exira-Large $12.00 each. "Official Condom Tester " Commissioned by our If/ends al Ihe Condom Resource Ceiller. Ihis epic design (firsl seen in Condom Corner) 'Nt/I allracl/he allenlion 0/ everyone from illi/erale service slaliull allp.l)(ian/s 10 presidents and kings Red and black 017 while Specify Large or Exira -Large $12.00 each. Page 3!

80/17 these men have sinned in Ihe eyes of our Lord

I r'--~- --'"

IWANT IT ALLI

"lisln

"N!

Please RENEW my eXisting subscription

for only $7.00 (US$10 Canada, US$18

Internationa/).

n Please send me a NEW SUBSCRIPT/ON

1..1 to DPN (four issues) for only $7.00 (US$

10 Canada, US$18 Int'l). Please slart me wilh issue_#4, of_#5'.

III Please send me BACK ISSUES ofOPN'for

'-.I only $3.00 each. (US$ 5 Canada, US$ 7

tnt'f). I would like (please check): _#1, _#2, and/or _#3. .

.-. .,... ,~-"~\

-::;.::..\

OfficialDPN buttons, fealuring Ihe !lIvable Oncomouse. Black. red. and 1llllife. Also available "Porn Polalo I rims Thai," "Porn Polalo Ooesn 'l Ill<e Thai, "and "GET FA T, don 'I die l " III black and while. 2-1/4 inches in i//'/{neter. $1.00 each.

Please send to (prinl clearly). Name.' Address.

Signalure. (l certify thai Iam a/feasl 18 years of age)

' hili ill IIleSC II:III,{ 111 I sllirl:;1

over 100,000 1 /lave died of AIDS. I? Why, you're It! " /l Je QlafJllil IIr.II 11f\! 1:III/C/ RI'I /,til, i hlle Spccify I ,l/II; " II' $12.00 eacl!. Condom Tesler II)' {Jill 11/1.'111:.

IOIlI 'r!

'1'III I II!sOllli'l' ( '1'111, .

dl'.~I1/1l (111.\ 1 WI .'I' ,.,

"'I//It '!)

will ,II/r,/, I:

III '\if 'I \11)/1/' Iii '11

d'/I'/n.' st,IIIOII

r,'; 10 I lrl SlIiI'lIl' " },','il.1I1/1 ill,/I"

:',ilt',lil l,I/I/I' $12.00

11111

(wOuld like to order tfje foJlowing exciting OPN merchanqise (please specify sizes/quantilies): : _ OPN postcards at $50 eat;h . l_ "You're Soaking in tl!" . _ ' "Piss JesSe 'J Tired of Ihose _ .'YOu're Soaking.. ." T-Shida(,$12.00 each naslyold . . (_ size La[ge, _size Extra Large) Trojans bul don 'I .. Condom Tester T-Shirt at $12.00 each know where 10 .(_ size Large, _size ExIra Large) lurn ? Try Captain _ DPN buttons at $1.00 each Condom's Origi足 (_._ "Kiss Me, I'm a Diseased pariah!" nal Party Pack! "Porn Potato Likes:That!" 15 assorted condoms, plus 3 lubricanl samples That!" and inslruclions. Captain'Condom's Original Party Pack at $4.00 each. $4.00 each. . "TOTAL fqr Merchandise and Magazines_'_ (Cali/omia residents add appropriate sales tax)

=:~~F::fa~o~~~~/fike

Please make checks out to

Forge-ot-God Press, P:O. Box 31431,

San francisco, CA 94131

'Send in $10 to start with #5.

Page 32

1>t

...