Diseased Pariah News - Issue #5 by Tom Leger

DPN #5 included this pull‐out soundsheet

Soundshee't Side'One .. .....~ .."J..~..........~. rhey're Called DIseased Pariahs!

Soundsheet Side rWo,.. ;...~~ .... ~:.............. ;...... ,...... Pus (TIle Septic Dragon)

1.................... .. ........ .......... ~ .......:.............,................ .,Who. Are TheseGuys?

3......... ... ~... ....,........:.? :~ .....~ .. .. .. .............. The Pariah 's Bookshelf: Finai'Ex;f

5......................... ~...... ·:.:......~ .. !... '............ ..... ;... :...,'. ,.• ,. Voices' from Dystopia

_' ; ':". J . I • ,. ' . '" 5................... .....o .. ......... . .. ... .......... .......... .. , ... .. .. .... . How I Got AIDS. Part V ~''''I

. I~.. ,~ ... o."... ~ ........ , ...~; .. . ,."' ........... .... , . . ... " ..

[ :r.o .... .. .. ...... ........... ....,;,.. , PU'S,II 5 'J

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1f........... .... . :~... .. ." ...:.... .. .... .. ..........., .............. Ex-aminingRoo.m Etiquette

t3.............,;, .. .. ........................ t~ ......Aurit Kaposi's Advice tMhe Lavewom

', Ma"ff ' ChappeI

t5...... ............... .............. .... .. ....................... ," O''entertoId Boy 17......................... ..;... ....~ ..,....... ...,.................V;deo Review with Porn Potato.

19 .................. ......... . ...... ~ ....... .,.....Gel Fat, don't die: The Tasre Ctrallenge

21..............................~ .. ......................... ... ........... ,.............:........ Meat Market

22 ................... ..........;..... ........................... Resollrce Guide: The AIEJS Stack

23.............................. ............................ Condom Comer: .Day at the Di/does

24 ......... ....... .. ........ .. .. .~. :~:.:.: .......,.................Advenru[e$ of Captain Condom

29.............." ...............-::...........::.............. ....... ...Shameless·Commercialism

Back Covel ......:1......... :: . .........,J......... Back Door Boys Mioflilel j nd Debbie

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The Pariah's Bookshelf

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YOU CAN CHECK OUT ANY TIME YOU KE. •• Final Exit: The Practicalities of Se(f-Deliverance alld Assisted Suicide for the Dying Derek Humphry, Hemlock Press, 1991

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ife is tough. Why should death be tough, too? If you want to die in comfort, Final Exit will tell you all you need to know. For a discussion of the ethics involved, the author refers us to his earlier book, The Right To Die.

Understanding Eutiwl1nsia; Fillal Exit is just the how-to manual. Derek Humphry helped his first wife to just say no to existence back in 1975, and has been a central fig ure in the right-to-die movement for over a decade. It's no surprise that he has strong feelings on the subject; anyone who didn't wouldn't be willing to take all the flak he gets for writing books like these. And what flak he gets-accusations of every thing from disobeying God's will to getting rich off suckering people into killing themselves. Some peo ple assume he must be deranged to be so devoted to the issue. He's not deranged; the right to sui cide is a basic freedom, and I respect Derek Humphry for promoting awareness and acceptance of that option. My complaints are only that he sometimes makes suicide seem

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too attractive, and-completely un related- that his book doesn't show enough of a sense of humor.

Final Exit doesn't explicitly make suicide seem glamorous or fun; on the contrary , Humphry takes pains to discuss the alternatives, and makes it clear that he's not suggest ing suicide for the depressed, but only for people who are clearly dy ing. He goes out of his way to assert his respect for those who don't want to take death into their own hands. Even so, just by its tone, Finnl Exit will suggest to some that killing yourself is no big deal. Consider these words: "The will to die is not, in my view, sufficient alone to bring about death. It would be nice if that were all that were necessary." Nice? This, from someone who doesn't want depressed (but otherwise healthy) people to kill themselves? There's also the occasional bizarre touch of enthusiasm, like the chap ter title "How Do You Get The MagiC Pills?" (It even looks flip pant-the titles are set in Peignot Bold, a hair-salon typeface. The Hemlock Society could stand some graphiC design help.)

But these are flaws of execution, not evidence of a sinister agenda. If Finnl Exit is flawed, keep in mind that it is one hell of a balancing act. Humphry is sensitive to his readers' feelings, but he also isn't afraid to express his opinions. He tries to ac knowledge the kinds of suicide he approves of while discouraging oth ers. He's continually anticipating questions and criticism of various kinds. About the dearth of humor: yes, a glib tone would've worked to his disadvantage, but surely his read ers could 've handled a little joke here and there. With no humor, the book is often sterile and te dious, and artificially so. All the yuks in Finnl Exit are (at least ap parently) unintentional. We're told that suicide by lethal suppositories is "the least desirable of methods because of the need for an enema and the position the patient must assume. " Is that with or without a sling, Mr. Humphry? Suicid e has the special fascination that only a taboo subject can have. More than half a million copies of

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,liV:; of exec ution, nol ~ i lli s te r agenda. Ii 1 w('d, keep in milld ,II of a bal ancing ae l. I.., ilive to his reade r:;' . ,lI so isn 't afraid to lions. He tries to ,1(' kind s of suicide Ill' ilt' discouraging oth Illually anticipating .' rilicism of va ri ou"

' '' rlil I:xit have been sold, and 1Iol llli v just to terminall y ill people. 11 11'11 '\ nothing like pent-up desire loll 11lIormati on.

1\' /1"11 I was 21 , I wa nted to know 1,1 1\\ In kilt myself. (l was living in I II' . Angeles at the tim e.) I went to I I'liblic library und looked up I,,,isons " in the card ca talog. To 111 \1 disma y, the best re ference th ey Iidd wasn' t out in the stacks- you 1",,110 ask th e staff to get it for yO Ll. I WI'nt to the refere nce desk, asked 1"1 the book, and th e librarian "dlllly asked me who I was tr ying III kill. "My la ndl ord," I replied, '1)',llring th at ilny thin g was better 11,,11, silying I wanted to kill myself. \11.1 I wasn' t about to, I just \1',1I1ted to kn ow how-but any .11)', gesti on of sui cide seemed s~ , I,dl y unaccep tabl e. I' m sure lots of I 1I ';lomers in bookstores across the , ! '"ntry have felt sheepish hold ing Illl'ir copies of Finnl [x/I in check >llil Jin es. I rt'membe r once filling out a doc

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'"1 s urely his re~d Iidled a littl e jnkl' With no hum ul', ( ' 11 sterile and h' i"i;llly so. All I'll., il Me (a t leas t ;11' III iona!. We' re luld "11011 supp osi tnril '" .ir,lble of method :, H'L'd for an enL'll l.l I Ihe putient 11111:,1 wilh or witholll ,/ hr{ ' '1'I'('i;1I f.lsc ill.lli," , :·.]illj('c[ (,111 lid l ' I' Illill ion copi(':, ,II riil:. /IJ //)O/lllIi//I .'II,//

1111'\ questionnaire for new patients seeing a box to check if you' re ·.llbject to thoughts about suicide. I ,IlL'cked it, and added the remark ".'veryone thinks about suicid e ,lIlce in a while". It was obv ious when the d oc tor got to that point by the look on his face. He asked a ,.:w ques tions, decid ed that I W , lsn ' t trul y suicidal, and said that h(.'d have been obliged to intervene IIlherwise. How rude, I thought. III any case, the ques tionnaire didn' t di stinguish betw een the "I Iltlte life" kind of suicid e and the I)l'rek Humphry ap proved "I'm h'rminally ill and hate life" variety. dllc!

And just how does one distinguish hetween app ropriate and inappro

priate suicide, anyway? When is an illn ess term ina l, and how much pain and s uffering is unbearable? H umphry has guideli nes, includ ing not doing it if th ere's any doubt in yo ur mind , but feels tha t it's up to the individual to decide. Critics will say th at people with terminal illn esses are often depressed to boot and therefore can't make good decisions. True enough, and Derek Humphry might even agree, but would still argue for the right to ha ve control ove r one's destiny. Fillnl Exit doesn ' t attempt to an swer every question about suicid e. It concentrates on pra ctical con sid eration s, and there it's quite com prehensiv e. Those who bought the book ou t of curi osity's sake proba bl y won' t be di sa ppointed with the disc ussions and cri tiques of the more popular method s. Don ' t use cya nide, he says; it can be torturous and undignified . Shoo ting and hanging are dismissed as "ugly" . Th ere's il dvi ce on what to put in you r s uicide note; you can add an order th at yo u ma y not be re viv ed if someone finds you before yo u're dead. Technica lly, he says, you could sue for battery if som eone disobeys your wishes. Such subject matter makes th e book seem sur rea l a t times, and that feeling is only mad e stro nger by the relent less matter-of-fac t tone.

Information like this has potential for abuse, as does any valuabl e in formation. Derek Humphry knows this and decided that the potential benefits are greater. If we want people to make rational decisions about sui cide, the subj ect needs to be out in th e open. My ha t is off to Derek Humphry for helpin g bring suicide out of the closet. - T. A.

THAT'S "puh-RYE-uh" pariah (puh~RYE-uh: also PEAR-ee uh) n. !Tamil paraiyan. drummer <peNai, drum; pariahs were.hereditary drumbeaters} 1. Amember of one of t/)e lowest social classesoflndia. 2. · Any person despised or rejected by others, 3. Any "guilty" victim of HIV.

That's right kiddies, we don 't care how you got HIV, as long as you're not a whining and hateful virgin about it. Other than that, we're pre/ly open around here. DPN's been fakly boy oriented so far, but we love girlie pari- . ahs too, yes we do. Don't be shyl Let us know YOU're out there I .

TECHNONAUSEA As RachelPepper, the 'zine queenaf A Different Light Bookstore says, ''DPN is desktop publishing at its low-bud get besl." There seems to be Ihis mis conception that DPN is riot like other homemade publications. Well, ta,ke heart those ofyou who doubt our ille gitimacy, for the ugly truth is about 10 be told: The paper for Ihelirst copies of DPN and the photocopier timewere sloren, paid for by amajor Western university, and thus at taxpayer ex pe[1se. Our scanner time is stolen, our imagesetter gafleysate stolen, aUf fHm is developed putside laboratory regu lations, and we. mooch 'off Of 'our friends for software. About the only things that aren;t stole[7are Biffy's . Macintosn.and our material and art work, which we': are proud to say .are 100% or[ginai. Page 4

April, I un de rstil nd , is not a geographic loca ti on III less you hap pen to live in Ams terdam. It seems to bl' ,II emotional state fo r me, though thilt's close enough. M equiva lent of "au revo ir" is "see you in Ap ril" -I oosd translated as I Sure As Hell Hope To See Yo u Aga in, A II~ Real Soon - which does admittedly confuse people wlwr I use it in mid -Summer. Neve rth eless, it im plies to me perfectl y to rri d clima te. One par ticulM yeelf, April incl ud ed two videos, 011 subsequent weekends . (Yes, mos t of yo ur fil vori h videos were we re shot in the co urse of one long, hI," tic weekend - don't ilsk how.) Somehow, I milll aged to fil ii in love e,1(h weekend. In the first one, thel t W,15 all to the good: WI ' were scheduled to perform toge ther, ,1 nd I thin k I Ciln be justifiabl y proud of the firew orks th.11 res ulted. The second ti me around, I Wils n' t ~iI lu cky. Th(' director had insisted tha t Mich'1I'1 il nd I be on oppos ite sides of the set .1 11 weekend. A more fru stri1ting L'x perienl'l' I ca n't imagine - but come to think ,II it, th ,1 t m,w ha ve been wh,1t 11'.1' wil nted. That t~artic ul M COmpilll\" seems to spec iali zl' in videos 01 ~' terna ll y fru str,1tcd yo uth., screwing ci1( h other just to t,1ke ,1\1 edge off of thei r horniness .. .god forbid il il n)' of tlw charilcter, mi ght become at t,lChcd to (',H It othcr. S" per

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',rdph ic IOCilti oil III , II , I t seems to 1>" .Ii , d()~e enough. \ I II I /\pril" -loP",11 ;,'1' You Agil in \",1 ,, "ll1 ~l' people \\ 1i" 1 .". il imp lies to IliI' I d, ''/ two vidco~. I 'Ii ',I of your filV( III I, ','' o( one long. I II ', Spll1chow, I 111.11 1 d.

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HOW I GOT AIDS, PART V

GET FAT, don't diel

Mt'moirs of a Working Boy, by Scott O'Hara 111'" !,lItting me together with Mich~el ",, 1,/ h ~ve ended up on the cutti ng "'''''ll loor. No miltter - 1 did get his 1·I,lIIIl'llumber. It W.IS illmost iI mont h before I Iniln II'."" 10 milke it down to Los Angeles I ,,,,,!,'d L. i\. like most good 5~ n I , ,II " i~l"ClnS, but lovelust m~k l's on(' be 1101 '" oddly. I WilS to discover Iil tcr (il l 111,1', 1 Iwo years Iilter) th~t Mi chelcl was '" IiiI' throes of iI Crl'il t RomilnCl' hilll , II , IlIlt thilt didn 't stop us from burning II I' 1111' sheets. Fcw things cOllld stop 1111 11 It stil nd s out ~s one o( the best "I ,,,.'nds in my recorded histo ry. And d .

I was thoroughl y ilccustomed to co n

d, IIlh by thilt time - even if we werC'n' t I, ""g them in videos, in pri v~ tc life I ,1,,1 Almos t il lw<lys. I sti ll cil n' lexplilin I,ll "~(lISC ) it; (or some rCiison eve n mcn Ih"tin)!, cond oms 10 Michilcl Wil Silllpos iloI,'. Til lki ng ~bout ,ln y aspect of sex 1, ,1', Ilever bet'n eilsy for me (wr iting is " "I Y d little bit eilsier), so I u su~ II y rel y tI " ,Ktions. With severill yeMs of hin d .11',ht , I th ink thi s to be il n error: if I Cil n't III ill).?, myse lf to tillk ilbout it, I shou ldn't 1", doing it. But the rl'sult WilS, for the ,l m ,l ti on or ollr aff~ir w hich continued ' l ,p r;]dic~lIy for two years, M ich<lel w~s

the on ly person in m y pril'i1tl' life with whom I w~s hilv ing seriously un s~ fe sex. DOllbtful t h ~ t it m ~d(' ~ difference to ei ther of us heel lthwi se; but i f th ere is re sponsibility to be t~ken for spreilding it (t round , I can't eXilc tl y duck. But this isn't Trul: Confessions time. I Welllt to tell you ilbout the Cood Tim es wh ich Me numerous. Most memorilble: Ap ril of the follow ing yecll', w hen we Illet ha lf by chance, hillf by desperMion in S~n D icgo Neither of us h,ld ~ place to go for sex; we rode el rou nd on his IllO torcycle, ~n d end ed up in B'llboil Pilrk . He pclrked, il nd led me down it ril vi nc (w hat's thilt, you silY you know that r,wine we lP) to iI spo t ilbout ten yards from the frecvvilY, but screencd by trc('s, pulled out his dick i1 nd " dared " me to suck it. It seemed to be iI relMive ly well protected spot, il nel I've a l w~ys hild ,1 passion for outd oor sex. Whilt cou ld be more natu rilfl I didn't hesitiltc. When I « Ime up for air, sometime after he Cellne, the first thin g 1s~w, atop tht' ridge, w~s ~ silhouette of ~ mou nted po licemiln. 50 much for my imminent o r g~s m . Either he didn't see us, or ju st w~sn't inter es ted, but he certilin lv ildded to the dr~m el of the scene. ' Come to think of it, thilt sc('ne is th e onc between Mic hilcl ilnd I thilt should hilve been c~ ptured on videl) for cter nity. Except, of co urse, th el t th en he woul d've had to pull out to come.

IIVthe way, our new "story end" icon:

is a viral capsid and not acrystal.

Betty.Ann Mae's Pork Chops with CampbelJ'sTM

Cream of Mushroom Soup

4 pork chops 1 CilN Ca/llpbcJl'sT~1 Mushroom Soup

Cream

8 OZ, can evapomled milk 4 or 5 Actual Mushrooms, sliced (op tional) . Lightly brown the pork chops, The hard p art's Qver now, it gets easy from here all. Arrange the pork chops in a 2'" deep ovcn pan. {If you're a real gourmet kind of cook, arrange the Actua l Mushrooms on top and around . goes against ever y tenet of trash cuisine, but the kids'li love :cm,) Stir together the Ccunpbell'~nl Cream of Mushroom Soup andcvaporated milk, and pour it over the chops. Bake uncove red for 45 minutes at 3500 F, or until brown and bubbly. Serve with . mashed pot<ltOes ilnd egg naod les, and don't forget to sop up every de licious . bit of t~at yWl1my gravy! And remember: "Trashy people cook

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lIntll Cnl/rpbe/l'sn l Cream afMustlfoom SOl/p!"

BiffyMae's

Half~Nuked Potatoes

Don't have the patience to wait for over an hour to bake a potato the oLd-fashioned Wily, .but you don' t like the texture of nukedpo tato~s? Half-nuke them like Biffy M ac, Prick yOLIT potato .and microwave it nn I:IICH for 3 minues, Wrap in foil, shiny side touching the potato, and bake in a preheated, 400° F o.\len .for. 30 minutes. Presto! A light fll.lffy baked potato in only, half the time! Serve with butter and :Iots of sour cream,or.your favorite topping.

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Th e towel s hoots ac ross Pussy's fa ce like a punch. A sneaker hits him in th e left nut. H e wa lks back, cutting him self on the aluminum angle o f i.l locke r door. The whol e row of locke rs rin gs like a gong. The re are tw en ty or thirty boys cha ntin g "P ussy ' Pu ssy '" Their faces " nd bod ies have th e beauty of ange ls Pussy is hooked o nto a locke r by th e ela s tic of h is briefs, s trun g up like a slit pig . Something comes out of him th a t is ,l h yb rid of la ughte r a nd a death rattle. H e tries to call for he lp but is un able to. Even tuall y, th e boys lose inte res t and go back to sna pping towels clt each o th e r, leav ing him hang ing the re. When Pussy looks up he sees Mr. DiFranco, the gym teache r, coming towa rd s him. Th e locker room is empty and rings with water drippin g. Mr. DiFranco puts his giant go rilla arms around Pussy's kn ees and lifts him effortl essly to the fl oor. Pussy is standing there, on th e

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ground , s taring at the tin y gold cross emb edded III Mr. DiFranco's black ches t ha irs. Pu ssy looks ilt himse lf in the mirror, aw a re tha t Mr. DiFranco is still wil tching him. There is il delica te tear of bl ood runnin g its way do wn hi s left cheek. Something inside him tCClrS like paper a nd hi s g uts go spill ing out o nto th e yell ow tile floor. Mr. DiFra nco jus t s t,lIld s th ere, wa tchin g, looking a t Pussy wi th the eyes of a jud ge.

• •• •• Te n yea rs la ter Pu ssy is ge ttin g slimmer by th e day. Agne r, his " budd y," pre pares w ha t he thinks a re irresistible no urish m ents, but Pussy can' t seem to ge t past hi s gag refl ex. Although he's awa re of th e in evitable, Pussy ca n't h e lp ad mirin g his new figure and the way the clo thes hang off of him."jus t li ke a model." He's al ways craved the s torklike limbs of an Tman, a Veru schka, and now he has them. He walks the brief run way of his microscopic

s tudio apar tm e nt, from till' dressin g room - a coa tra ck s tol e n from a ni ghtclub - to th(' s tage - a fire esca p e, where h(' s trikes diffe rent poses and milkes lewd re mar ks to p ass ing businessmen. When he's tired , Pussy relaxes with his soaps ,1lld game shows. While Ag ner goes to ACT-UP a nd Q ueer Na tion , putting up pos ters and marchi ng in tht' s tree ts, Pussy s its on th e sofi'l, lettin g nature take its course. H e draw s th e curtains and pulb th e shil des, blocking ou t hi:-; shrinkin g horizo ns.

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At night Pussy's g irlfriend s s top by: Lucky, Sa nchez, and Arch er. They s it around with drinb ca lled Sex on the Beilch, speak ing in il language that only they unders tand.

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Lucky s tar ts singin g "SWill): Low, Swee t chariot". !\ "S unny" - after the comatoSt' heiress Sunny Von Bulow - is to

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I I,, ' in <l coma but s till hav e yo ur I",ir ilnd nails done every day: rill ' I')innacle of Fabulousness. l'I,";sy flicks the remo te control, ,'I.lsing a talk show.

Duncan. It is just before the p art where she gets her neck broken in the red Bugatti .

3 or 4 slices bacon. .

Agner s ticks his head throug h the frame that separates th e kitchen area from th e every thing else area. " What? I didn't h ear you ."

Irl io

,1pel rtment, from th ,' , " ,~,illg room - el coa t rac k ,/v" from a ni g h tclub - to tIll' I)'," ,1 fire escclpe, where hI' d...,'" different poses ilild ,1" ,-; kwd remarks to pclssi ll ) '.III' ' ~ ..; nll'n . 11 '1 1 he's tired , Pussy re[,l X' .... III Ili,o.; S(),lPS (,llld gc1tne sho \\!" Ii I" Agncr goes to ACT- U I' I () I!('VI' Nation, putting U[ ' .1, ...... " nd marching in ti l(' ,,'I'., Plissy si ts on the S() :', ~, III )', 11,1 1ure t(lke its COllr's,' !II,I W ~ the curta in s and pulls ·, h,llil'S, blockin g out hi~, Illi, i 11).; hori zo ns. !I')',ill l)lI ssy's girlfrie nd s "kl ' I 111 ''')-" Snnchez, and Arc/wI. 'Ii .... il (Hound with d rink , ,', I '-,l 'X on the Beach, Spt'<l" 111.1 Idllgua ge that on ly thl'\ 1\ '1~· , I.llld. 111'.11 1,11)',.1

Ih,lt Miss Acos til i', 'S unn y'."

!.. \' ..; I.1l'ts singing "S"vi, ,: '

ch ariot". :\ 1111V "fter the cOtnZlI (l,., ,',,', SllIln y Von Bulow - is I"

S Wl'l't

Ihe o thers gasp in disbe lief, lilen fall backwards with de light. Archer continues, with an .dlitude. "She go t up to piss, thinking Ih.lt she was at home, tripped liver th e IV and fell in her bed I'.ln . She was wasted from IkmeroL The nurses found he r when the brought the pills, al n-.ldy blue, " The others are choking. Wh e n Ihey sober, Sanchez says quietly, "I always did like Anthony. So .Ittractive when we first met him. And he always looked ' ;o ... bu tch ." There is a moment of silence while John ny Carson gets the .lppla use for his monologue. "l3ut when he opened his Ill o uth .. .his purse fell out." I)ussy is scanning the obits, and Ihere is Anthony's face, smiling, saying that h e died of a lon g .lIld difficult struggle. Agner is in the ki tchen fixing goulash, his specialty. The television is play ing a movie of the life of the great modern dancer, Isadora

FaftyMae's ·

Egg 'n Bacon Sandwich

Pussy says, " 1 think I'm losing it. "

"Ilow tired," says Sanchez . ,' \n'her fiddles with a lighter, in Il,ding deeply. "Dis you h ea r olhllut poor Anthony DeCamp? ';[11.' drowned in her bedpan! "

GET FAT, don't die I

Agner is worried tha t Pussy is falling apart. He's seen thi s be fore with queens and calls it The Camille Syndrome. Death is, for th em, the ultimate Glamour Statement; madness is e ven bet ter, a higher Diva Quotient. His las t buddy, a TV n amed Alexis, had amazed him by rec iting Julie t's balcony scene, back wards, word for word, filtering a s trange, ca nny intelligence throu gh the ha ze of dementia Alas, A lexis had wondered too far one day and had been found , floating in the Hudson, face up, like Ophelia. " What are you doin g la ter o n?" Pussy asks, as Agner brings the plates. "There's an action at City Hall tomorrow, so I have to be up early." "Going out at night used to be an assumption. Now it's an oc casion." Agner is dishing out thick, s teaming portions. "Oh honey, I can ' t ea t all that. "

2 esss

m01{oJ1lwisc

rye' bread

.Frv the bac.on in a skillet. Set aside to dr~in. POllroffmostof'tl-)egreasc in the pan, but not a'll the little bits of bilcon effluvia that get left behind. Break the eggs into the pan and scramble them over m edium heat until cooked. Don't nverbeat the . eggs~ You want little bits of yeHovv and white, all mixed together, not a even biandness. Add two or three dollops of mayo, and crwnblc in ill! of the bacon. Mix welJ and spread between the slices · of rye bread, toasted if you prefer.

Danger, Will Robinson! Fat can'be . hard to digest, and many bf us . DiSeased Paliahs haveG.L pro~lems. If your innards have trouble digest ing fat, keep away. lfll hit you hke a brick. But if 01' Nfl. Stomach and Mr. Bowel can handle it, then nothing'lI put on the weight fa<;ter than l~atty . Mae's Bacon 'n EggSandwieh.

.Bifff, Mae's

While Trash Chicken

So I'm trashy, eh? Well, try slibsti tuting chicken ' in the porkchop on .the p'reyious page. Season, flour, and butter the chicken, and bake il'l a greased. pan at 350° Ffor 45 minutes. Take' out of the oven and scrape the bottom ' of the pan · to loosen all the little brown bits. Pour the spu'p (Wer and bake as indicated. Serve with rice.: Yum! . (Glass pans . seem to make a richer, browrier. g~avy than metal or porcelain.) r~cipe

["Pussy" continues on the next page}

Page 8

[continued from page 8J Agner knows that the cat will be eatin g goulash fo r da ys. H e looks sadly at the g rinning cheshire face. "Is there anything else you could eat?" Pussy is s urprised tha t he is too tired fo r anyone of a numbe r of tasteless and ob vio us come backs. "No, honey, you just go on hom e."

••••• It is the last weekend of June, the Greates t Show on Earth. Pussy is wearing hi s shortest dress and his longest hair. His ap artment is cleaned out and packed in boxes, except for the cocktail service and a full-leng th mirro r. Since he li ves only haIf a block fro m the p arade route it w ill be easy for the o thers to stop by on their way, to say goodbye. H e admires hi s reflec ti on, hap py th a t they w ill re m ember him jus t like this.

'.\

upra ised fists . A pass ing floa t stacked w ith gy m bodies and pumping "Vogue " sends the "ladies" twitching and squeal ing. Pussy almos t loses his foo t ing on the rus ty slats as Arche r moons the m asses. "Scandalo us!" they are scream ing, "O ver! "

find a husband ."

h'II'I" II! rI

" Hello '" says Sanchez, fini shill ); his pink drink and adding, wi lh a w et kiss, "Be good to yoursl'11 Angel. "

1III II ll jl " ,.., II I'· 1 \1' 11 1 III' ' " I II' ",1 1, ' I ii, ' , 111'.1 \

Pussy is inside, pourin g an o the r d rink, checking his make up , when Sanchez co mes twinkling d own off the fi re es ca p e .

Pussy's fa ther says grace 0 \1('1 the microwa ved vegetables alld minute s tea k w hile hi s m o tlw i keep s ge tt ing up from the tabl, ' to bring him one m ore thin)', He can tell his pa rents ,'11' bare ly managing to keep thl'il p an ic in ch eck and w ondl'I', how lo ng thi s \,v ililas t. He fe el" the puke ris ing in his gull e t and w onders if he w ill make it to IIII' ba throo m.

" Lovely p a rty, darling!" Several of Luc ky' s fri ends h a ve dropped in a nd the ba leony is ge tting d angerous ly crow ded. " M y swa n song, " Pu ssy replies, grandl y. Sanchez is tripping on X so his timing is sli ghtl y o ff. H e knows th a t Pussy can ' t take care o f himself anymo re and doesn' t know exactly wha t to sa y. "But you look so w ell, Mary. And yo u'v e go t so much to li ve fo r." He ges tures with his Lee press ons, va guely impl y in g a panorama.

The girls a rri ve at noon as "Ebony", " Ma hoga n y" and Cleopa tra" . Sanchez, a n FIT student, has be en stitching and encrus ting fo r d ays. They spin a round in bl ac k rubbe r and se quins. They are shrie kin g about th e legions of go rgeou s queers marching down the s treet. They hang o ff the fire escape, throw ing things and insp iring ap pla use.

The pa rad e co ils aw ay to w ard s Chris tophe r Stree t and the drinks dry up. The p a rty c rashes so h ard it leaves skid marks. Pussy's friends file out, lea v in g behind a fine dus t of glitter.

Pussy sees Agner down there, o ne flo wer in a wav ing field of

"I wo uld sta y, " says Lucky, a bitch on heels, "but I've go t to

Page 9

"Besides," he shru gs, " in sanity ca n be quite attrac tive. "

, .~ II ,t I j

1, f"

I lI

•••••

Pussy's p arents try to e nga w' him in conv ersation, feed in)', him scra ps of informa tion aboul his o ld home tow n, hoping th,11 he w ill di gest it w ith the m c,1i A girl from d ow n th e s tree t g( 11 married and w as kill ed in ,I frea k acci d e n t. His childhood d e ntis t re tired , finall y, after gl'l ting hit w ith a m a lp ractice s uil The Juni o r Hi gh Schoo l h,I' been turned into an old-c')',I ' hom e, w hat th ey ca ll a "Ma tlll' Co mmunity" . Pussy is looking at his plate 0111 ' hour la ter minus two bites. III father is cl eaning hi s g un clilol wa tching a gam e, encourag ill)', the cha mpi on s. Hi s mother hi , doing laundry in the 011 11 '1 room and he ca n hear the rhy lll mic w hee ling of the dryer, s111,'11 th e soap a nd bleac h. Pussy 1/. s ta ring bl ankly at his phl (' w ondering w ho he is and wl "ll

Hey, kids l Areyou wondering how MagicJohnson's T-ce//s are doing these days? 362 according to our SOUIIJ("

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111, ' Il.dls ,liT flill lil" 11 w,'y 10 hOIiH 1"'1" '" [ h ilt no (lIl(' I i i ,'I lim. H c d.l!'1 11,11 1", findin g hi!' v

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'.IllChez, finish ill ,~, .Illd adding, ~I 11 11 ')',ood to your~,'11

.... I' :' ,ly5 g ra ce O\ ' t" "t! \'(:getables ,II I.! while hi s motll< " "I' from th e tilltl" ,\IW more thill )', his parents .II" ,lllg to keep tlwil "k .Ind wond( 'I' w ill last. He f('e 'l 1'. i 11 his gu Ilet ,III. I w ill ma ke it 10 lilt ,

,h I ry to cn)2,d)',"

'''''.Ilion, fcc-d il l)', lti()rmation " be'l i! il WI1, hoping 111,1 1 tI with the i11l' ,11 '\-\'11 th e 5trcl'I )~ ," WdS killed ill " Ili s chddlleHill fill;lli y, c,ftL-1' )',,'1 111.1lpractin'S IlII Iigll School 11.,', ililo " n old · ,, )· ,' I'V (',II/ iI "Mol lII'" )', .11 hi s pldl\' ,11,. I ~ two bik,o., II, III)', hi s glill ,111 , 1 n( ',I' nCOllr,I ) ', II I ).

Ilis mnlll('1 III

ill IIIl' (lll", 11 Il('dr Ilw rll \ II, I III(' IIrvl'l', :.1111 " ,f( '.l c h , ' 1'11 :,'.\ i V .11 his 1,1.1 1, , 11\' is .I 11, I 111 1.1 1

IIIIIJ{l lu /lfll'i I'1I11

1i,1f. ilolppened, I" III(' morning, Pussy wakes

III', (lIlt of time, the p as t and the l'IO",,'nt fused in one resounding liP 11', The du sty toys of his , Ittldh ood are a gathering of his "I",'st and deares t friends. I'II' :SY pa ges through a photo al I,,"\\: age 12, in the back yard, It t',lring a huge s hirt th a t looks I,~,' ,I dress; picked out a class \,111,10 with a bow I-eu t hairs ty le; ,<Illite Esplanade, with Alfonse. II,' 11 0tices that h e is su c king his 1llIlmb. H e gets dressed cmd '.tI, ' 0.; to school.

II \(' streets arc s urpris i ngl y '"'11\y and he wond e rs if he is I.tI,'. He pa sses the hou se n ex t , " 1111' Cind remembers, or sees, ~ II ' . Fa rm e r ha v ing a h ear t at I,,,k ,lI1d being wheeled away "'I ,I gurney. Down the s tree t is ,,',ilurt cut across th e Mc,rs hCiIl's ,11I1('wa y a nd he sees th e fig 'III'S of two people h e does n ' t "" ognize arguing in the win ,I,)(v. Main Street is qui e t, no 11,11 lic, as if it's a holida y. He ,',ds to school and wonders wlt y th ey' ve changed th e trees ,111<1 the driveway around. IIH're is an old woman p eer ing ,iI him over the handl e of a rake. Il.l ve you lost so mething?" ',111' asks. "Ca n I help you?" lilt ' halls are full of kids on 111I'ir way to homeroom. He 1t"I)('S that no one will recog 111/." him. He darts down the .I.lirs, finding his wa y through " se ries o f swinging metal ,I'Hlrs, into catacombs. The air ·.I)\('ll s like moisture and am IIltlnia and there is a m e tallic , I.ln ging, like a gong. He turns

a corner and co mes into the locker room , whe re twenty or thirty boys are u s ing Pussy as a punching bag. Mr. DiFranco is s itting in a s hadow, immobile, his face like a tombstone with windows. The re are little chinks of light coming out from his ey es and Puss y can see that he is enjoy ing the spectacle. Mr. DiFranco li cks his lips as Pussy falls back wards agains t the lock ers. Pu ssy is on his h a nd s a nd knees, scream ing at Mr. DiFranco. "You SCiW it happe n I You le t it happe nl You made it happ en !" Pu ssy is still sc rea ming ten min utes late r when the fat security g uards who work for the old age home th row him out on th e s id ew alk. Th e o ld woman is s tanding there, with her ra ke, eye ing him s u sp iciou s ly.

••••• Mr. DiFranco opens the door to hi s chee rful turquoi se ranch home and doesn't be liev e what h e sees. His threadbare cocker spaniel comes yapping out across the w elcome mat and stops, cold. Standing there, be tw een the sundial and the flamingo, is a raging qu eer ma niac , pointing a pistol. Pussy is dressed to die, in blood red, with a veil. He pulls the trigge r three times. Some thing inside Mr. DiFranco tears like paper, and his g uts go spillin g out onto the entryway. The n Pussy shoots the dog .

<i>

GET FAT, don'ldiel

Fanny Mac's Killer Key Lime Pie 2 egg yolks 2 cans (14 oz.) sweetened condensed.milk Zest of 4 i i11les, finely grated 1/2 CLIp frc~hly sqllcczccOimeiuicc 0111' 9" graham cracker crust Preheat· the oven to 4{)O°F. Beat the egg yolks until fluffy and .Iight in color.. Gradually mix in ' the condensed milk. Add the lime zest ,md juice and mix thor oughly. Pour into the crust and' bake for 10 minutes. When done set the pie Ol1 t to cool. , J

But wait' The fun's not over yetI Now for the topping:

Fanny Mae's Killer Key Lime Pie Topping 1cup heavy cre£lm 2 Tablespoons confectioners sugar Beat the cream in a chilled bowl Until almost stiff. Add the sugar and continue beating imtil the whipped cream form's stiff peaks. (Do not overbeat! You'll be left with a b·u tterymess.) Spread over the cooled,pieand serve. Ii you're J~ling.fan,cy; you can re~ se:rve 3/4., cupo! the .w hipped crepm and apply it ' to the pie with a pastry bag.to form 8 little ' rosettes: Then stick a slice of li.i~e intoeach rosette. Voi,la! A con:, feetion guaranteed to get you into heayen.

Page 10

EXAMININGROOM ETIQUETT

by Treadwell Bruce 1)

If yo u in sist on wearing shorts to a n appointm en t, avoid Spandex. To don a form-fit ting garment is to s uggest th at you a re not only ha ving fun b ut a lso working a t it.

A s untan is counterprod ucti ve in th a t it crea tes the illu s ion of h ealth. (If this cond itio n d e velops , as a resu lt of long te rm disability co mbined with homelessness, it can b e con cea led thro ug h the applica ti o n o f clown-wh ite theatrica l make-up or a filci il l pesto yo u Ciln make from co ld cream a nd corn s tarch.

While primilry print und er garments ilre accep tab le, those fe a tu ring big dogs, chili pep pers, or trop icill fruits ini ro duce a Festive element il]:-tpp rop ric]i<' to a 6 x H foM room furni shed with ,] wa ll mounted blood pressure unit and a cont,l minilted shilrps bucket.

4) Do not wear T-s hirts tha t be speak of s tri dent unrepen tance. These inclu de s uch lifesty le monike rs as Dad dy's Boy, Leathe r P ig, ilnd Cutterslut. 5)

A lso to be avoided are items of clothing that sugges t an in

Page 11

ap propriate leve l of good hea lth . To wear B.U. M . "equipment " a nd in ver ted C s tring tank tops is not on ly to sni gger at fa te bu t to trivi ,i1i ze the work o f the medica l es tilb lishmen t.

you'll be left guffilwing a t th, ' Smurfs.

do no t ,1ss um e that you Me il lso being asked to s tri ke a pose.

10) While civi lity is ilpp reci a ted even w ithin th e hars hest 01 medic,ll offices, chcerfulncs:, Clnd lev ity Cilll be d isconce rt ing to th c p hys ici<l J1 Acco rdi ng to mCln y pil ti e nh, 200 mgs of AZT call do muc h to curtil il these co u n te rpro ductive il ttitu dcs.

7) Med icill c ur iosity wi ll o fte n

11) I t is trLlC th ilt physician s are,1 1

fj,l tter the ph ysician; however, whi le wa itin g in th e ex,lm i)) ing room, you should res ist th t' te mptation to e xplore cab ine t drilw ers ,md <lpotht'cMY

the re<ld y w ith ildvice, but yo u s ho uld no t il s k one to re it'l y ou to il good ph ys ic iilil .

6) Wh e n in s tru c ted to undress,

jMS.

8) !\ Itholl g h ,1 list of d e mand s (,I n mil Xim il.c the L1sel'u In ess of ,1 fi ve- minu ll' cons ultiltio )), il shed of \,vord -procL'ssed Lk lll ,l nd s is unvvise, pMticulilrl y if you :lre schedu led for pru (cdmes requiring instrumen ts ~h:l rpl'r th " n Cl tongLII' d e pres sor or 10ilger thall il s te tho sco pe.

9) Avoid weep in g during m e di ca l procedures a nd cons ul ta tion s; such displays may not o nl y d is trac t the ph ys ician from the d isease, but ma y a lsl) persuade he r to prescribe an ti depressants so pote nt thClt

12) If the physic i,1I1 scems open til s mzill t,llk ilnd l'vell to yO lil ()p ini o n ~, yo u m <lV fee l fr ec til recommcnd res tilur,lIlts, fj l l1l~, ,11lLl f<1 1ll0 Ll~ m"kcr outle ts. 1\ is Fli"L'~lI l1lp tuous, however, 10 su gges t i mprl)\ ellwnb in 0 1 fi ee deco r, hilir stv le, ll1il SCclrd ilf'rlicdtion, or - Y()lIr OW II m ed ical Cilrc. 13) T here is ,1 direct corre la tillil betwee n th e phys ic ia n's sens,' of we ll -being ilnd a pa ti e nl'· , en thu s ia s ti c consu m ption III prescribed medicCl tions.

14) To comp la in abo ut side-(' I fects is to inv ite a one-minll k explanation of o u r bad l\ flawed uni verse.

Shame on Gail Beverly and Doug Rowe, both at whom bounced checks tor $1000.

1)11 you

want undeserving rclalh

ETIQUETT

r1(掳 (>

.d .I

I.. ,. I.

,'t" .I

y ou' ll be l eft guffaw in g ill Iii. , Sillurfs.

10) While c iv ility is appreci,lll "/ l'vcn within the harshest ,01 Illedical offices, cheerfu l Ill"", .lnd lev ity ca n be disconCl '11 ing to thc ph ys ici,) l l J\cc(lrLiillg to man y pa ticI11' " 2IJO mgs of AZT ca n do 1ll11 , I, 10 cur t,li l th ese co un te,路p'" du ct ive 'lttitudes.

11) It is tru e th,H ph ysici,1f) s ,lrl' ,II th e ready wi th ildv icc, bu t YPII ~ho u l d not ask on e to rl'I, ',

y ou to " good ph ys iciiln.

12) I r th e ~)h ys ici ,'n secms ope ll Ii I sl1l nll talk ,lllei cvell to V(III , ()IJinion s, jllLl 111" y feE'l fr~',' I" 1'l'co I1lIll CI,d rcs tilUl"<lnt~, Iilill .lnd f,lmous Illilkcr outld..,. II is ~)I"l' S llll1 f)t uoll S, ho we, L'I , It, slIgg('st illlpnwt'Il1l'lliS in ul I ill' d eco r, h " irs t y I l' , 111 ased I. .lf11 ,li(\1 !inn, or YO llr (11', Ilwdical care .

13) TIll're is a d in:'Ct corrcld li "" hdween th e phy sician 's sell s" of we ll -being il nd a p atien t' ., Cil th Ll sia sti c consll m ption ,Ii prescrib ed m edica tion s.

14) T o complain about sid e-vi kcl s i s to in v ite " one-minult ' ('Af)l,)nation of our bad h' II,nved universe. ~

11I'('As III/ $/000

Do you want undeserving relatives spending your insurance? DPN says check 'em out.

Page 12

",ll ing up my good friends OJ' 1.1 I II I~ ,lfternoon and ask in )'. 1110" 111I 'y wo uld mind bringin)', (1\ "' Iit of the ir bl ood in r\1 ,, 11 I II, ilfic. Especiall y wh en IIll'v ~ 1'111 comi ng home tomo rrow 1llllley, I' ve been infected lV illl ',li Ke before yo u we re b(l1'11 I, 11. 1\'l' been in Agen t Ze ro 'r; 11 ,111 " IIl 't worr ied. Bring it on , "II , Id tlod, red blood , black blotltl, \ I>lood." Ain'lno S(,rlH'IIWifi/l ili f I I,/oo d 1 found I11)' S(, I1 :-o ill 'I,pntilneous ly as Rose<ld ('111',(" .Il1lH beh ind her to wheel ill Il ll'

Advice for the loveworn

Darlings, I ha ven' t seen most of yo u in ages and I don' t wan t to - until I gain another ten pounds and get my hai r back. Yes, here I am aga in in the AIDS wa rd of Cedars Sinai Hospital smack in the middle of show bi z, on my back 20 productive hours a day , praying for release from th e duplicity of th e whi te man and for th e ph one to stop ringing. The good new s is tha t I'm going home tomorrow. 1 was thinkin g of all you live ly ones out th ere with yo ur heartaches and hard ons. Day a ft e r d ay, po ten ti a l readers approac h me with qu es tions yo u wouldn't believe, just dying to know my joie de secrel in the middl e of so many disgusting tragedies

Whenev e r a perfectly ravaged stranger comes up to me and asks, " Aunt Kaposi, how d o you do i t'~ How can you always manage to look so radiant and lau gh incessan tly in the midst o f so mu ch devastation , personal and co ll ec tiv e. Is it th e drugs?"

tl Aunt Kaposi does have a lot of drugs on her mind th ese days, bu t the are not my jaie de secre t. I say, "s tigma with sty le, child. There is I/O lim e 10 hate." And th en I tell them - and I believe thi s to th e bottom of my

Page 13

crev iced toenails. "There is always, in ('urry ills lant, Ilere alld everywhere, for you and for everyone, and abundanCt' of 10vc."1 hope yo u'll feel it, if you don't alr eady, w ith my new reg ul ar column, "A unt Kaposi's Ad vice to th e Lov ewo rn ," Aunt Kap os i will endeavor to Jnswer all you r ques ti ons JS to th e monstrous me taphys icJ I gag we're all li v ing th rough, as well as helpful hints on HIV fashion , fin e food , gourmet sex, travel, th e wild world o f ente rtainment, and li vi ng tough. I got a letter from my dear brother in St. Aug ustine, Florida. (Hi Cudd les, told you j'd get yo u into print. ) The doctors giv e Cudd les maybe three months. Stigma with style, ch ild. He w ri tes : " ... so metim es j ge t so frigh tened of dying, I never wan t to see another drop of blood as long as I live. My nurses and doctors, even the sweet cleaning lady Lucille who wipes my chafed ass, they all becom e like demons and harpies from Hell, prepa rin g a new v ial o f my apparentl y de li cious blood to ru sh d owns tairs to satisfv thei r true lusts... " ' Well , Cudd les, yo u ra ise some in teresting ques tions in this le tter.

Blood is a s ub jec t close to A unt Kaposi's hea r t. My co ll eag ue, St. Domenico de Los Angeles, is putting ou t a whole new line of bl oo d颅 in spired fashion s for the fali , and 1 guarantee we'll all look sensational, dea d or alive. Blood, el t leas t my bloo d , I have a lways regarded as somewha t regal. Of co urse, I' m a Leo and I would see it tha t wa y. I look at my blood with awe , fo r its beauty an d d iv init y. The red and blue microscopic gobbl e tygooks mi xing int o one rich maje s tic mage nta, iridescent sw irling liquid life. I smell it, I lick it, I tas te it , I sq ueeze out more. Of course I wouldn't impose m)' de li ght in any form on any of my friends or enemies, but Aunt Kaposi's always honest wi th yo u. Love yo ur blood. As I write here in my hosp ital bed, an adorClble Ph ilippi na nurse named Rosead is whee lin g up a unit of blood for me. She asked me if I have problems accepting s tr ange blood, and if I wanted to as k someo ne to d ona te their s. From the h ospita l blood th ere is a 1% chan ce of contracting hepa titis, and the chances are one in 20,000 th at the blood might con tain HI V. I sa id, " Rosea d , I don ' t feel like

\ JJoxt issue, Cudd les, we'll (,I.Ii. Il lnh er abou t how to ;11"(11\ Ill'nd rating paranoia thilt sviti" III your s leep less nights, .Ill.! "I'('cia l terror that co mes Illllll whe n yo ur ca nd y s triped !til' \ (,juntee r asks yo u w h,1I v,'' wr itin g. For now, my advill' VIl Uto rea li ze once and fOIT V"1 I, Il L'd ven, this is hell, nothill ); ,I"h,lmed or hide, e ve n lilt' ... 1. \ Ilur eyes, the wars in your )',111 I', nothing to avo id , no lh ll '.t 'l'p ress, nothin g to fear. '1'1\1'1 "I' ,'ry instant, he re and (' Vl 'r lll' "IDre th a n eno ugh 101'" ,lllund ance, an abund <l l1 c(', I" I tlr me. "" 1l1 em ber till n ex t tilll" k,1posi's famous rec ipe 1(lr,' I'(',lcr - ril llalize YOllr 1Ii'/, ill' l /"' Ifccl

!Jour

pil ell,

<llld

Ililportan tly, stigllla willi , f.l//.-. f\ revo lution without l<lughlt " ,I wedding withou t lov (', ,1 111 Ii);h t, Cuddles? Love to YOll .Ii II 1'111 dead by the tiOl t' YO II "(',1 1'111 sti ll thinking of yo u )' Il 11 1\ blood.

f路; fl/('rl' anylhing that YOII 71'0111. , ,I,k Aunt Kaposi? Send YOllr II" I" 1\ II lit Kaposi, c/o DPN.

111111); up my good fri ends or fami ly lIi\ ' . df tern oon and asking th em if il,. 'v would mind brin g in g ove r a "'111 of their bl oo d in ru sh- ho ur 1.,oIl it'. Es pec iall y when th ey kn ow I 1111 oming hom e tomorrow. A nd III .III' V, I've been infec ted with HIV 1110 I' before you were born - I mu st kll'I' been in Agent Zero's pants. [ 1111 ' 1 worri ed. Bring it on, strange LI.)od, red bl ood, black blood, white l,Jplld ." I'("(lt! [

Ain'l/lo sell/en without God's

found m yse lf singing 'I'"lltaneo usly as Rosea d clo sed the ,]"",. behind her to wheel in my unit.

I ~ ,I ,; lIbj cc t close to A lIlII ' " hl '< lrt. My coll eag u e, SI , " Ill- I ,os Angeles, is puttin)', \ 111"1' new lin e o f blood I f.l shion s for the filII , i1nd I ", ' WI"II ilili ook se nsa tio n,l l, ,llil'l' . Blood , at least 111 \ 11.11'1' il l w(lYS r eg arded .I ' , ,111·I'g,ll. Of course, I'm a [PII ,"1.1 "1'(' it th at way. I look ,II ,d lVith ,lw e, for its be'lLI l \ illilv . Th e red and blll l' 'I ' i, go bbl etygooks mi xill l; I' rich maj es ti c mag en l.l ,I " lV il'ling liquid life. I SIllI'II It , I t.l s te it, I sq uceze 0111 'I, IllIrSe I wo uldn 't impl N ' ill ill ,my form on <lny of 111 \ til' enemi es, but AU ll l • ,.I "" .I),S hones t with YOII . Irll/ood. .

. iIl'n: in my hospita l bed, ,II I , I'hilippina nur se naml'.t i '. whe el ing lip a unit (I I IIl l'. She asked me if I h,ll'I' '. ,I(Tl'pting strange bloll d , V,lllll'd to ask som eo ne t, \ IIi'ir s. From tb e ho sp iL iI Il'I'I ' is a 1% cha nce (I I 11'; IH'PiltitiS, and the chanCl'.', \ ;)(},O()() that the blood mighl 'IV. I\n~c<ld,

I don ' t fee l likl '

.' \ t issue, Cuddles, we' l[ ela borate IllIth er about how to avoid th e l'I'IIl'trating paranoiil that se izes you III yo ur slee pl ess nights, and th at " I'I'cial terror th at co mes upon you when your cd nd y striped hospital l'll\unt ee r asks yo u what yo u are writin g. For now, m y adv ice is for "till to rea lize once and forever - thi s I ', heave n, thi s is hell , no thin g to be ,!.',hamed or hide, eve n th e stars in vour eyes, th e wars in your gut, there 1.', nothin g to avo id , n o thin g to ',lIppress, nothing to fea r. There is at I'very instant, here and eve ryw here, IlitH e th an enough l ove, an ,liJundance, an i1bundance, for you, tmme. Rem emb er till n ex t time A unt Kilp osi 's famous rec ip e for etern al I)c ace - rituali ze your perversion s, II('/fec t "our pit ch, and m ost importantl y, stigma with style, child! A revolution without laughter i s [ike .1 wedding without l ov e, ain't that right, Cuddles? Love to you all, even if I'm dea d by the time you read this. I'm still thinking of you - yo u with my bl ood . - K. S.

Is there anything that you would like to Ilsk Aunt Kaposi? Send your qllestions 10 Aunt Kaposi, c/o DPN.

I The Golden Pariah is an award bestowed by

editorial wl7im to people with HIV who have been

traitorous to lhe community. A posthumous

Golden Pariah goes to Hoy C~hn. ,Senator

JohnMcCarthy 's right hand man. While

McCarthY was saving America from the evils of

communism. Roy Cohn was doing his best to

root out queers in thegovernment, destroying ..- - .

thousands of cqreers and lives. Decades later, he

contracted HIV and developed AIDS, whiclille

denied having until the day of his dealh. Good

riddance, Roy.

A second place award, the.Silver Snivel/er. :

goes to our nation's favorite innocent victim,

Kimbe(ly Bergalls. As youn Ddoubt know,

Kimberly got fhe iCky virus from her dentist. We

can understai7d her being upset, but standing Up

On her{ickelly legs in front of the Senate panel

and whining "/ didn 't do anything wrong! I'm

innocent!" was inexcusable Even more

inexcusable wasfhe way the media, especially

Time Magazine, fawned over Mr, perpetuatjng

the "guilty victim VS. innoce}1t victim " fal/acy

through .another ratings sweep'week.

The leering rodent on our cover is no less thqn .

the legendary Oncomo use, a member of a

patented strain oi iaboratory rat 'guaranteed to

spontane.iJuslydevelop cancer at age two or/ess.

In tHe old dEJys, scientists had to induce cancer in

rats chemi9ally,a messy process which oftenJefl

lingering side effects other than the de.sired '

malignancies . Oncomice; on the other Iland,

produce .nice organic tumors with no chemical COME HI. WEL COME TO D-'

' , " , .. , ON IN, HA VE aftertast~: They re nature s panahs..Anyway, we AND GET OVER iT' r l felt sorry for then}, and decided to elevate them to dfficial mascof;stalus _ They cost $75 apie'ciJ, aniJ arefhe perfectpel for:someonewho.needs (0 ' pity somet~/ng, alttlOugh Ihey.ar:en't generally 'available to the, public. .'

Page 14

J,I I'I',lio!" Id offers hi.~ \\11' ""I'lh, "Livin' ahn il (,11111' ',I 111, '1'(' ,H e a law t 0' times wlll'll .l.ll1ls feelin' mighty IllllI" , \.·11 , Cowpoke #1's fl!.l \'I'I', 1'1'1'11 answered because ( PIl i" .IIH I Cowpoke #3 h;\\'(' ill'.1 1II 1IIW, hair perfectly m(lIl "" '" ·.I!lltums freshly a-shJv('n ,iii, IIIUJl ths in the outback .

qy Kristen Bjorn,

four eyes out of five. Some of you may be wond ering how 01' Porn Potato go t this job, anyway. Well, being America's couch potato in the raw isn't easy; it took years of practice and countless evenings of rejection at Badlands to hone his ski lls. Finding the boys unap proachable, he turned to video to quench the fire in his loins, and found that he could have contact wi th far more people than if he picked them up Singly. After all, dear subscriber, you are reading his work. Speaking of loins and other things down under, 01' Porn Potato heard of a new video from Kristen Bjorn with an Australian motif, called Jackaroos. Since Porn Potato has never met an Australian he didn 't like, coupled with prurient hopes of seeing men looking at each other longingly and saying, "Put another shrimp ahn the

Page 17

bahrbie, mate", he practically got cal luses on his fingers calling rental stores to see if he could find it.

The film opens with two strapping boys in their Toyota Landcruiser drivi ng through the jungle, where we are trea ted to lots of sa nitized wildlife. Over the footage of wha t looks like one of those drive-thru an imal parks, our narrator tells us how "blokes ga ht tuh stick togethuh through thick and thin." At first Porn Potato though that it was one of our jackaroos speaking, but since the voice is the same in all of the vi gnettes, and doesn' t necessarily track with the boys' lips, he decided that the voice speaks for the entire corpus of sexual energy of all the jackaroos in the world. A narrator from the id, if you will. Anyway, Jackaroo #1 gets to feeling randy in the passenger sid e of their Landbruiser, and Jackaroo #2 sees fit to help his buddy ou t. They give each other long sensual blowjobs with lots of kissing, and then finish each other off on the hood of the Landcrusher. Then Jackaroo #1

pushes Jackaroo #2 over the Landabuser's front and does him doggy style. Hey' Porn Potato asks, are Ihey doing it withoul rubbrrs 7 No, they' re just using pink ones that are barely visible, as opposed to our cow1try's surgical white Trojans with the oh-so-visible exp iration date printed right where you can see it in the close-ups. Our two Jackaroos do it in the Toyota, in the bush (so to speak), on the rocks, clocking five or six orgasms before quenching their desires. Porn Potato likes that. What do these boys eat? Porn Potato won ders, Is it a/l that Vcgcmile that gives them such I1LOlilit y7 The only thing that Porn Potato didn't like abou t the scene were these pesky little black biting flies (just like the ones that tor mented you in summer camp) which the models hardl y seem to notice. Next we find ourselves at a ca ttle sta tion, which looks suspiciously well appointed: austere rattan furniture, elegant houseplants, picture win dows. Porn potato suspects that we are actually at the Woomera Visitors' Center, waiting for that drive-thru safari tour. As Cowpoke #1 looks across the patio with longing eyes,

Wh,lt follows is a scc11l'lil,1l WI III I'orn Potato's mind 1I1I' \ I IIlille. Cowpoke #2 ilild ( '1 l\\' I' .111 Cowpoke #1 every WillI I ,1',I,ld ually shedding their ell" I "lllllchow retaining theil kllil ,llld boots. Cowpo ke #2 n',rli. Illlt hove go tten any fur;l w it I,IlISC he alone shoots ilill 'ill.lntities of hot Auss il' jisl!! lil.1n fi ve times. Even if YOll .ill III\' normal compressioll f!"lll!! '; \'lIldard to Porn Time, II I' rdty impressive. Fom l'ul'! I Ilr ite pJJt is in the Illlddll' ',lllry, when Cowpoke II (Ilwpoke #3 come all OVl'l"( Il II I without touching lill'l l1 l'lll'n Potato rcalll! likl' ~ I h,lt And if tile ( uwpokes all ' ,('I'm <llittle too II l'il groomed Ill r regional ,1 1Ithenticity, IIll'v make III) "for it by at I, "lst sOllnding like cattle be Illg brand ed. Next I)reamy, l,lI nk y, and I'winkie, three lil'opouts Ihe Kyle McLaughlin

.11t·~ J,1(karoo #2 over thl' 111.Ihlls('r's front and does him ',f',\' ~ l yl('. Hey! Porn Potato asks, II{" II tloillg it without rubbers? No, \' 11 ' just using pink ones that an' l'l v visible, as opposed to OUI IIIr y'~ <;lIrgical white Trojans with (lh so-v isible expira tion da te '11 ,'.1 right where you ca n see it ill ,·lllSI'-lips. Our two Jackaroos do I II \(' Toyota, in th e bush (so to I k), Oil the rocks, clocking fi ve 0 1' III)'"ISms before quenching their 1\'... . Porn Potato likes that. What f{. " ., {ltlljS I'nt? Porn Potato won " I "~ if nil thnt Vegell1ite that gives { ; ' {II '/I I1lVtility? The only thing IIe 1m Potato didn' t like about the It' Wl're these pesky little black I)', lii,'s (just like the ones that tor Iit'd you in summer camp) which !lllldds hardly seem to notice. I WI' find ourselves at a ca ttle sta , which looks suspiciously weil llilll('d : austere rattan furniture, ,1 111 houseplants, picture win '~ . I'nrn potato suspects that we It 'lllillly atthe Woomera Visitors' 11 '1', waiting for that drive-thru I'i It)lIr. As Cowpoke #1 looks ...... Ihe patio with longing eyes,

N. II'I ·,ltor Id offers his two cents IIIPrlh, "Livin' ahn a ca ttle station, illI'l'l' are a law t 0' times when a man ',l.lhts feeli n' mighty lonesome." Well, Cowpoke #1's prayers ha ve 11('('11 answered because Cowpoke #2 .I111i Cowpoke #3 have just come IlilIne, hair perfectly moussed and ' il rotums freshly a-shaven after two 1110nths in the outback.

Look-Alike Contest, all riding horse back to their favorite wa terin' hole. According to Narrator Id, "A hahd day in the saddle leaves a hahd dick in your pants." Ind eed, for our boys dismount their horses and begin mounting one another. Porn Potato tries to ignore the fact tha t the" wa terin' hole" has concrete steps sc ulpted into its side.

What follows is a scene that will stick ill Porn Potato's mind for yea rs to Illme. Cowpoke #2 and Cowpoke #3 do Cowpoke #1 every which way, )'pdually shedding their clothes but .';lImehow retaining their knife belts ,lnd boots. Cowpoke #2 rea lly must I\ot have gotten any for a while, be ,'i1 use he alone shoots incredible quan titi es of hot Aussie jism no less lhan five times. Even if you allow for the norma I compression from Pacific Standard to Porn Time, it's still pretty impress ive. Porn Potilto'S fa vorite pa rt is in th e midd Ie of th is story, when Cowpoke #2 and Cowpoke #3 come all ove r Cowpoke #1 wi thout touching th emselves. Porn Potato rClllly likes that. And if the all Cowpokes seem a little too well groomed for reg ional auth entici ty, they make up for it by al least sounding like ca ttle be ing branded .

After that, Jackaroo #1 and Cowpoke #2 show a Generic Blond Bo)' whilt to do when the one-eyed trouser snake strikes. They practice deposit ing and sucking out snake venom on the lana i, und er the cabana, and in the bush (they rea ll y seem to li ke tbe bush). For a second, Porn Potato thought something was wrong with his tape, but it just turned ou t to be more of those pesky black fli es craw ling over the models. Hmm.

feel not unlike a tropical afternoon. The models are comely, and don't spoil the story with too much talk ing. There is an over-prod uced qual ity that is definitely low-cal and sodium free, but doesn ' t con tain any destructive cultural additives. About the only thing that Porn Potato's hy pertrophied sense of th e politically correct can take issue with is the ded icated roles of the performers, that is, once a top, always a top; and vice versa. On the other hand, he can' t be sure whether this is just the personal preferences of the performers, or whether it is the darker prod uct of some macilO-lI1nricvIJ aspect of Australian socie ty. Nevertheless, jll ckaroos is worth checking out . On a scale of one to five eyes, Jackaroos opened four. Rent as

jnckllfOos is a long film for only four vignet tes. It ha s cl slow, la n

u i d

it's Nex t Dreamy, Lunky, and Twinkie, dropouts the Kyle M cLa u g hlin

Cowpoke #2 and his branding iron.

Page 18 ~

1111'l' from the II \ "I,lble o il lIll i\ , I\,l(ls t the fil l C(li li('lI ts, listed, ·.IHlwed surpri," linll. Wel ter, ("0 1 .llld pa rti i1 J1 y 11\ 11(',111 oil uSll ,lll, I he Clve r(1 )';cd I

GET FAT, don't die!

W(' I"e CIS

fo ll ow'

1':115l1 re Plu s .... . Nu trCl ment .. . 1': Il s ure ......

The fa mo us expression "yo u can ' t be too thin o r too rich " was o bvio usly coined before th e AIDS epid emic. While the sec ond half of thCl t famo us epigra m h olds tru e, two o ut of the three DPN editors are currently suf fe ring fr om severe" AZT butt" and have been o rd ered by our d oc tors to ga in we.igh t. "Food Supp lements" are us ually the first thing recommend ed to Hl Vers to boos t o ut po und age. Th ese "liquid nutriti on" foods we re d esigned to provide to tal sustenance - som etimes through feeding tubes - for hospitalized pa tients unabl e to handle eno ugh so lid food to Clvoid starv ing to dea th . If n ecessa ry, in the s urvive ory, one could in definitely on this stuff. Well, I wouldn' t wa nt to try it, a nd n eith er wo uld any of the o ther hapless g uinea pigs ruth lessly lured into p articipa ti ng in our tas te tes t. Several lea ding bra nd s of foo d supplement were compared under rigorously sci entific circ umsta nces. The DPN editorial boa rd, p lu s a co uple of HIV-nega ti ve controls, engaged in a " blin d " tas ting a nd eva lu

Page 19

a ted the tas te, smell, tex ture, a nd color of the "subjec ts." O ur en tirely obj ec ti ve o pini on is: they s tink. Th ese results are n ' t par tic ularl y s urprisin g, but sec re tly I was ho pin g to d iscover a bra nd o f thi s stuff that I co ul d s tomac h. O n th e positi ve sid e, m y boyfriend , w ho'd been nagg in g me to use food s upple ments for nea rly a year, com p le tely drop ped his effo rt afte r pa rtici pa tin g in the blind tas ting. Yo u can ' t argue w ith science - or ta stebuds. We evaluated six choco la te-fl a vored s upplements: Ens ure (a c cordin g to it's label, "a rich, crea m y dr ink "), Ens ure Plus, N utram ent ("milk-shake tas te"), and Sustaca l (" d e licio us"), Meri ten e. Ca rna ti on ln s tcmt Brea kfas t was inclu ded as a con trol. All were eva lua ted on a fi ve po int scale, wi th 5 equaling "ex ce llent",3 ind icating " fair", and 1 re fl ec tin g "just awful ".

Your diligent editors tackle the daunting question, "Which nutritional supplement tastes the yumntiest? "

The re were no inte res ting diffe r ences on sm ell, color, or tex ture. All were fa irly odorless, a bl ah ta n color, an d had a waxy tex-

Special thanks to the Metcalfs for chasing away the chemical aftertaste with a lovely dinner

( '.1 rn a ti on

In,, 1

I,: nricil .. .. .... . '\ lIs ti1ca l .... .. Ml'ri tene .... .

I he to p-scon' r"

w ith eitlH' 1': I1 su res, w ith I '<l lcrose) (ll ' IN lItra menl ).

I l\l'll ted th ,'l h

lids

",. diligent ilors tackle

· daunting 4'sl,ion,

licit.

IlII"e from the hydrogenated veg1'I"ble oil universally added to 1'(lOSt the fa t conten t. The ingre .ii,·nts, listed on the packdges, ·.Il(lwed surprisin gly little var ia 1 iOIl . Water, corn syrup, sucrose, ,l11d par tia ll y h ydrogenated soy I)('an oi l usua ll y headed the list. I'lle averClged results on " tas te" were as follows:

like liquid Cocoa Pebbles" (the breakfast cereal), which he appa rantly intended as a compliment. He also noted that the Meritene ca n had "wris t-sli tting poten tial"; cer ta inlv, som eone in formed that th~y would have to ingest this s tuff for the rest of th eir life ma y well opt for "self deliverance" instead.

1:llsure Plus .... ... ...................... 2.9

Nutrament Lnsure ....................... . . .2.6

( 'drna ti on In s t. Brea kfJst. ..... 2.5

I:nri ch .................. ........ ........... 2.0

~ ;us tacJ l ........ .. ..................... 1.9

Meriten e .. .... ..... ... .. .. ....... ..... .1.6

Overa ll, we canno t recommend food supp lem en ts as the first line of offense for any dedicated calo rie-packer. They are, essen tiall y, typ ical medical scams, and their high prices reflect the ruthless markup of anything co nnected to th e wonderfu l "vorld o f medicin e. They ge t recom mend ed beca use they are cov ered by insurance, as Cl prescribed medical interv ention. rerhClps so me people need th e vitamins and mi nera ls (and

The top-scorers were th ose prod lids with eithe r more SlIgClr (the I':nsures, \Nith both corn sy rup or 'dlcrose) or skim milk (NutrJment). One teste r com IlH'n ted that Ensu re Plus " ta sted

{COl1tinll es

0/1

next poge:}

,ril,ional

GET FAT, don't diel

Rhietta Lou's

Chocolale-CoveredEasler Bunny

This traditi<lll~l holiday meal is so tasty, it's almost sinful '

2 small mbbil.friers , CIII 'IIP 12 smal/ l>oilil1g ol1ions, peplcd 12 5111111/ Ullin! carrol" !{rl'Cll lops trimmed olive vii ' " "role f~J"I/l}1tI (recipe follows) 8 hardboiled eXgs, ,/relied

Preheat oven to 350"F. Heat oliv(' oil in a skillet and 'saute the rabbitp'ieces, oni(jns, and carrots wltil browned. rut the filbbit pi l'Ces in a medium <;'ilssa roie pan or dutch oven, and arrange the carrots and Ollions decoralively around them . POLlr the mole ,a uce over the bunny bits and bake, covered, for 45 111 in Lltcs to 1 hom, or' until the rabbit is done. While the bunnv bake~, m<lke 3-4 batches llf((llor~'(1 Wiltl'~' and dye the peeled, hardboiled eggs. Removl' the rabbit (rol11 tilt' O\'en, garnbh with the colored eggs, and serVe. Cr>es best with a lomato aspic in the shape of a ('rucifi x. Mmrn, tastes just like chicken I

Chaco/ateSauce (Mole POQlano)

'JlL(~ment It',~

2 I1l1'dillnl /(llIlI/ /ul's. s"l'd~d, IImi dlopped

1/2 ,:11{' clwI'P" d ollioll .

2 01ll1l/'J 1 ~)blllll(J cl1ile''', r il1scd. seeded,

/111c/ clJtI{!I'c:d 1/2 pir'" IIlIls

the

1(3 Cl ip mi, ;' f"

II.IILiest? "

1 6-inrlt (W l1 lorlil/u, cui up 2 IlJblt ':ir~~)1" ~L'!,<lI/ lL' :;.!cd

cm"'t'a red 1'I'J'lx r

1f2 lenspooll 1/4 kll ,/,I(~'" snll

1/4 tI'nSp'~J!f Ci'fI:4I1'd or gl'Ollf'Id 11l1i:;(' seed 1/4 ffaspooll giolllui c/0i.~"S '1N 1('1151'('1( 11 1 WTlI/IId ci,IlIt1I11VII 1/4 1t'11Spn<'" gnj/l/.ld corim ilier sct'd atls/r 0/ pt'pper 1(2

(I;;'

11115Wi!dt:l)cd c/wcoill/(', mellcd

Whi.rI everything but the chocolate in i\ blend er until nea rly smooth. Then stir In the melted chocolate. If this sel?in$ like too nluch. of a bother, vou can cheat and use canned ITlOie pobl;inll. :

,willi ;1 lovely dinner

Nutritional supplements. Flavors that nature never intended.

Page 20

the obligatory softcore picture of our newest slaff member We present' Your Sleazy Editirix

MEAT ~' ARKET Yes indeedy, yo u too can find the love of yo ur life in these hallowed pages l Here's the way it works: Yo u can say anything yo u like in an ad ilny thing excep t "straight acting. " The first 50 words are free, subsequ ent wo rds ilre lO~ a piece We don't want to be responsible fo r any unex pected mys tery dates, so please use yo ur post office box. If you don ' t hilve onc, we' ll supp ly a DPN B,)skct for yo u. To rep ly to ,1 DPN B,lskcl: Write yo ur let ter. Put it in a stamped enve lope, ilnd wr ite the Basket Number on the lower left of that ellve lope. Now put th is en velope in ,mother envelope i1ddrcsscd to DPN and mail it. We'll fllrwMd it fo r yo u.

ash...?) listed at the very end of the in gred ien t lists, but most of us would be better off with a real milk-shake and a One-A Day supplement. The dietary supplements gener ally offer about 250 calories per 8 or 12 ounce serving. Most Kem's juices provide comparable s ums at a fraction of the price. While writing this article, your Sleazy Editrix, Mikey Mae, at about half a bag of Trader Joe's chocolate covered raspberry jelly sticks, which I'm sure hold their own against Ensure when it comes to raw caloric value.

If you are going to employ these supplements on a regular basis, Page 21

you will no-doubt learn the many techniques for enhancing (i.e. cove ring up as completely as possible) their flavor. Adding large dollops of Hershey 's syrup is a famous dodge . Cranky Editor Biffy mi xes lots of mal t in his Carnation Instant Breakfast to make it palatable. Treatment activist John Dolan suggests mixing equal proportions of chocolate-flavored s upplement with strong coffe for a calorie packing Mocha LattE~ . Are there any good tasting food supplements out there? Not that we ca n tell, but if you learn otherwise, let us know. In the meantime: Bon Appetit! -M.B.

WARNING: Do notforget the stamp 01/ tile inncr envelopc! If you do, we'li for ward YOllr letter anyway, but we'll read itfirst and find out all of your secrets. That's the price of postage these days, heh, Itch.

Debating, DanCing, & SEX Attractivc, nice, Hispanic 23 yenr old seeks MAN. I am nil energetic, willy, self-elll ployedfull seekl'r. I'm 5'11 ",160 lbs., sexy, versatile, intelligent, non-judgmelltal, sortn plink, "little bit ofe'Verylhillx" kind ofguy. J live pari time ill San Francisco and pnrttime in the soutl7bay. I enjoy drawill g, reading, working alit, pot, crosswords, cooking, de bating, dnncillg, and SEX (not necessarily ill that order). You are 227 - up, hnndsome (not conceited) fit, eleanshaven, nOll -judg mental, like playing games, outdoorsy, tal/7, beefiJ?, versnlile!, FUN!, metaphysical?, and posilive about life! DPN Bnsket #13. Leftist Mensch Looking for all active social life, with a sl1lall el1lphasis all bars and cheap sex, although I

In the interest of objectivity, we also tasted bitter melon juice ("an excellent source of trichosanthin")

.!/II

1"lId of both. Plannillg 111/

IIlill" IIS

~ ,J1

1,,11 11 i"o in '92. 1'111 6" 1", 2:;(} /I", (1/1 11

111111/ 1,0.111), and lookillS for IIII Olfr ,'1 11'11 1 'J/OI>,·II . Rob, p.o. Box 3282 1, /'/11 1"111 \ , \

01 ></-2821.

Nationwide Traveler '", iI,!c fJWA, bearded, "doddlli,/I " (:I VI\ i'/ili' [' lies, grey-brown hair, 'i" ~", I,l, /J , /11, nlllcnted, professional. III .'I',lfl/l "i"" 'Ilil,', Iwalth-conscious (NO rn '1','01 /11 11 ,'III ~ ~, tobacco, nlcohol) pIOl/"lll/l'". 1'1, '1 I'; .lI!, 6' or under, urIcul, A.,iOIl/ II I:·I',1I 1I 1111"-'1' ore 1I0t necessary, bill n . pi,·k,·iI II ' ,II'I'rceintioll of snrcnSln, Ilnd 1"1'1 os II itillil III" irol11cs are. DPN Bn~;k1'1 #1·/ Back Door Boys did tl,csc two" Dicllllrds " l'IIr1I1I ' II , I' i ,') Cildilfnc Henrse and willi do til,. II I" ,'/MPf"l? This is tlil' slOrll If Midilid II. I I, hllie. Debbie (the prdly 0111'), " I )111111 ,III" to tire striking sllllillll'li ll Iloll1ecoming Queen's Go t 1\ ClIlI . hI/ 111 "111 old 1p/w forgollo grow II/,- II,' Sol ,', III/ I fol/owillg Il pnrticil /orly ilis/,II'IIII': II< 11/1' ill tllC 60's, nlld tadny i~ a rl'ol ,', 1111, , ) I "I II"I'liellr Debll//s IlOb/li,'.' illdll,/,· I I" .,'IIX lOll sloves, old radius, ."llIllnl,/, tll/ lI "S, dislringdirl, nnd /1/0st "(1111, " '';~I 1,,1'11.'1 . Michnel is n 35 yen I' old wit" 01'./1 I ,.,,11 tv xrow lip, and IInlil rt'CI'IIt/il II ~iIli IlX Ilil1lscl/worklns 50 110111" II ll'i"I'~ 0 '/','lldiIlS whallittle free tillll' Ill' h,,'/ 1, ',. 11 II/, lor nllother. When Mic/lIlcl/ll!'/ 1);-1,/ .1/1' ['OilvilleI'd Itilll IIlat tlris 1lJil, 1/(11"1/11 /',rillg and suggested her OWII nXI'II'/" ~I ' 11·.obility IIlId porty down I Midlod ./ 11"1 II/I!I' tinkering witli special 11111'1"1'.,1 " I" 'I 'oldles Mr. Roger's Neighborh(l(" I, " " {I/h. O/Id pisits ce11leinries (10 ,,',' /"" "ON ' off tlinn he). By lenmillX 1"'111 ,', '111l'r 10 Illugh ill the face of dmllt 'Ii"I/II iI,I, 'C' slIccessfll/ly thwarted 11'11' grilll /I 'll 11111:; far, nnd wilh n lillie luck, 1111111 ,,'1 /1 '1I, '1i;1s for SOllie time 10 COlliI' (IlII' hll //Jiltos courtesy of Brad.! DPN I h,~,'1 1/ IlfI ,I'

lis flavor score' O.

MEAT M A RKET \ ' " llI<iI'('d y, ),ou too can find the 1m'", ,I \" '111' Iill' in th ese haJlowed p,l ~, ,, I f I,'(', "s Ihe wil y it w ork s: 111 1(,Ill S,l ), ilnything yo u li ke in i111,l1 1 " II Vlh ing except "s traight acting." 1'1 ,,' 111 ,1 'iO word~ Me free, subseq u(, 11 1 \\ , "d :" ll'l' IOq:a pi ece. Wedon ' t wdll llo' 10,' I ' ''' I'(lnsible (or ellly unex pected 111 \ ' I, ', \ ddll's, so please usc yo ur post ol tl! I ' Iii" II yo u don' t havrolle, we' ll slipI'll , J III 'N 1l,1sket for yo u.

1(, ('( 'I" Y 10 a DPN Ba sket: Writl' V, HII 1,'111'1'. I'ut it in a stamped envelopl', ,11 1.1 1\ ti ll' 1111' Bc1sket Number on the 10\\ ('I 1,' 11 (If Ih,lt env elope. N ow put thio \' 11 '1 '1"1 '" ill ,1l1other envelopead d ressed hi , II 'N ,lIlel mail it. We'll (orwdrd it ("I

IIIlId ofbolh. Planning on moving to San in '92. 1'111 6'1", 250 lbs. (not a 1111111 bOI;!), and looking for another leftist III I'II .'ch. Rob, p.o. Box 32821 , Phoenix, AZ

1,,1/

I 1I1I1";5CO

11'11164-2821.

Nationwide Traveler PWA, bearded, "daddyish" CWM , 1,1111' eyes, grey-{,rowII hair, 5'7", 145 Ibs., III. I'ducated, professional. In search of va ·.lIlile, health-conscious (NO recreational ./I'/Igs, tobacco, alcohol) plaYlllales. Prefer 18.30,6' or U/lder, uncul, Asiall/Hispanic. I1l1'se are 1Iot necessary, bllt a wicked wit, "1II'reciatioll of sarcasm, and rl'cns niliol1 of lili'"s irollics lire. DPN Baskcl #'/4 ',1,,1>11'

Back Door Boys 1I"iP did Ihese two "Diehards" end lip ill a

/i.1' lin aclive social life, with a small 1I/'},a:,I:. 011 bars and cheap sex, although /

1')59 Cadillac Hea rse and whl! do they look '." happy? This is IIII' story of Miclll1('/ alld Pebbie. Deb{,ie (the prel/ y 0111'), so-nallied "lie to the strikins 5illlil17rily to Ilomecom ing Queen 's Go t A Gun, is a 45 ,11<'111' old who forgol to grow 1117. HI' gol (lerl! I'i(h jiJllowillS a particularly illspirillX acid Irip il1 111(' 60's, al1d lodo,! is t1 real eslale (' /1 f('eprelll'lIr. Del>l>ie's llObbies illeliide col hlillS fOIj stoves, old radios, sl !.IffI'd dead IIlings, dishing dirt, and 111051or all, lookiilg Iwel/y. Midlael is 1135 year old who alsofor xut 10 grow 1117, al1d IInlii recently lUas killillg hill/self working 50 IIOIlrs a week, al1d ~l'endil1S what lilliefree lillie III' had restillS lip for £l1lotllcr. Wllcn Micilacll11CI Debbie, .;lle convinced him tliat lilis was hardly il'l ,piring a"d sugsesled lier OWI1 agenda: go 011 disability and party down l Micl1l1el spends lime linkering witil special inlerest autos, walches Mr. Roger's Nei ghborhood, reads obits, and visits a melaries (to see people lIJorse off tha n 17e). By lenmillg from ellch ofher to laugh in theface of dealll Ih eY ll1ay have successfully IInvarted the grim reaper Ihllsfor, and with a IiI/Ie IIICk, may rel11ai" friendS for sOl1le lime 10 come. (Backdoor phOIOS courtesy of Brad.) DPN Basket #15

:",IIII.',Ycl.'l/enl source of Irichosanlhin")

lis flavor score.' 0

i " II,

llil \ I~ N /NG: Do lIo t forget the sttlll1/' 1111 ,/", illlll'l' envelope! If you do, we'll/o r "",.d .l/ollI' /ettel' anyway, but we'll I'l'utl i /i",o;1 lIlId find oul' all of yo III' secret s. I h,,/ 's /h l' price of postage these dOlh " '/1 , ht'll,

Debating, DanCing, & SEX llIli/diuC', nice, Hispanic 23 year old ,;e,'b ,J /IN. la/ll an 'l'nergelic, wil/If, self~1'II1 '/"'1,'d 11111seeker. 1'111 5'11 ", 160 Ibs., '1'.1'1/. ',', ·.a/ ill', in 11'11 igeuI, non-judglllenlal, ,orin fl llk, "lillie bil ofeverything" kind ofglly. / I!, ' l!fIrllinte in San Francisco and pari timl' I til,' :;ulliftbay. / enjoy draWing, reading, '"rAIIIX Ollt, pot, crosswords, cooking, de ' 11 iI/X , ,lancing, and SEX (not necessarily ill I" l 111'1 11'1'). You are 22 ? - up, handsollu' 11 '1 ""lIll'ited) fit, cleanshaven, non-juds 1f'l/llIl.likl' playing garnes, olltdoorsy, lall?, "'/1/1, 1'1'1"' lIlile l, FUNI, metaphysical?, all" 1· .II IPI'lIllOlIt lifel DPN Basket #13 Leftist Mensch

' /"hl11,'\

RES 0 U R C E S

HlV TraffiC Sc~oiJl. Justwhen tions, Send checks to Well you though you had .s een every- • spring, c/o AIDS A<::TION COInmittee; 131 Clar:end'o n -St., . thing, there'sfllV traffic schr)ol! Boston, MA 02116 . . TIl.dt'S right, Sgt. : wooar'ow Tennant . of ' the San Francisco The AIDS Stack is an interactive Police Departinent hqs been au thorized to teach to people with educational d ocument fOl: the IllV v.rho normally wouldn't be Macintosh,which allows peQpie able to attend the eight~hoill $es to scroll through the pages~ facts, and figures at their own speed . sions. All the u~u al DMV mate rial is covered, as well as the Composed in Hyper-card, thjs d ocument can be used by the effects·of medication, HIV infec Ma c literate amI iUiterate alike. tion, and 01s on driving perfor niance. Best of all, it's 'free to pariahs! People in the San The . AIDS. Stack is published Francisco area cancaU(415) 553 quarterly and available for 5938 for more ,i nformation, $25.00 per iss ue 0f'$75.00 for a four-issu e subscription. PWAs Wellsprfng is a publica tion of the and PW Arcs can request the AIDS ACTION Commtttee of good ies for frce , A lso available: Massachusetts. This unassum

Harsh Words/or Jesse Helms. ing bimonthly ne\~sletter is one

of the m9s t complete that 01' The business of buyingpeo Cranky has seen in some time. pIe's life insurance policies has Some of the highlights from the just heated up . Living Benefits Novemb er,Decelnber'91 issue o~fers th~ u s ual . 55% to $O'/':, reViewed include an article on payba ck on your polic)" d e unders tanding lab tes t result!:>, pending on your d ecrepitude, tips for avoiding holiday stress, but h ere's the twist: If your . tips for mou th anel. throat com p olicy has a face Value of plications, and financial a d vice. $10,0,000 or lnOre, Li\iing A summary of the issue is prh- . Benefits will set you up free vided,in Spanish, Also included for life with the most com is a helpful list of businesses in monly prescribed oral meds the Boston area that give PWA s uch as AZT, d.dT, pentami discounts. dine,antivirals, antibiotics, ttfungals, and antidepressants. A subscription to Wellspring is . H olders of policies worth less $25/year, bu~ is offered free of. than $100K can get the goods charge to clients of the AIDS at wholesale cost. For more in ACTION Committee, and to formation, cal~ Living Benefits at (800) 458-8790. - B.T. other AIDS service organiza

Page 22

...

Condom Corner

•

I oes ,

a In a way, dildoes are the la s t taboo of risk reduction. It used to be that nice boys and girls didn 't do the flying helicopter squat onto sex toys, and if you ever saw them in movies, it was always part of some "anal abuse" scene. WelL be op pressed no longer, dildoes d o have their place in the univ erse. After all, they don't dribble pre cum, and hav e neve r been known to shoot their wad unex pectedly. When dildo shopping, don ' t let yo ur eyes be bi gger than your stomach. They range in size from the teensy-wee nsy Dr. Dinkies to behemoths that can only be accommodated by stunt artists p erforming in the red light district of San Juan. Pick a reasonable size. Next, take a look at what they' re made of. Dildoes are made of rubber or s ilicone, both relatively soft and accommodating. The rubber ones, howeve r, will develop little cracks and fissures over time, which become vacation retrea ts for bacteria and o ther unsavory creatures. Silicone dildoes are Page 23

more expensive in comparison, with a smooth, nonporous su r face that will las t much longer. Your dildo should ha ve a large base, usually in the form of styl ized balls. If you're into special effects , the Jeff Stryker model's balls Me "fondle-a ble". Sorry, no tape with the words, "yeah, yeah, pla y wi th them balls, lick them balls ... !" is provid ed with the equipment. The large base will prevent the toy from slip ping ins ide and getting lost (and providing exciting coffee break con versa tion a t you r expense by the emergency room personnel who w ill have to pluck it out). Don't use any dildoes with man ual or electric cranks inside. The metal camshafts have a way of cutting through the rubber and breaki ng free, really ruining the day of whoever they were inside when it happened. The worst pa rt of that is that they don' t make d esigner colosto my bags. Sex toys should be washed thor oughly after each use with soap and water. You don't hav e to boil them in lye, but soaking

FURTHER ADVENTURES OF

t t • • :.

them in a mild solution of ho use

hold bleach (ten parts water, one

part bleach) wouldn't hurt.

People shouldn' t share dildoes

without clea ning them in be

tween, since they can pass bugs

as efficiently as any bona fide ap

pendage.

If everyone at th e orgy wants to

use the one and only toy, and

hu s tling it off to the sh ower just

kills the mood, put a rubber on it

and change the rubbe r every

time someone new uses the

dildo. However, make sure tha t

no bodily fluids get onto the base

of the appliance, because they

I1i ay ge t d ep osited back on the

dildo, even after a fresh rubber

has been put on, by whoever is

holding it.

-==-

Finally, are you dildoes always

cold and lifeless? Your lover re

ally likes the sight of it plunging

between your supple buns, but

you think it feel s like getting

fucked by a bog m ons ter? Try

popping the dildo in the mi

crowave for a few seconds to

bring it up to body temperature.

Ahh, much better. -B.T.

Need aplacefor quality dildoes and vibrators? Try Good Vibrations, 1210 Valencia St., San Francisco, CA 94110.

111 give them acall a (4 15) 550 /:1:

.FURTHER ADVENTURES

III ill 0) mild solution of house , I 1,1( \)( h (ten parts water, one I [,[(',)(h) wouldn't hurt. 'I d,' shouldn' t share diJdoes 11'1l11 cleaning them in be ',', I , since they can pass bugs fl i"j(,lltly as any bona fide ap

· :E · ···· ' .

.'.

dd I',('.

l't'I'YOll e at the orgy wants to III(' one and only toy, and Ililig it off to the shower just , III(' mood, put a rubber on it "hilllge the rubber every . so meone new uses th e (l , [Iowever, make sure that '\ldil y fluid s get onto the base li t' .lppliance, because they l',t'! deposited back on the " , (' ve n after a fresh rubber 1" ' ('1) put on, by whoever is Illig i l.

d.'lv , <He yo u dildoes alwa ys ,lilt! lifeless? Your lover re lik".o.; Ihe sight of it plunging ,," 'II ynur supple buns, but lliil,)k it feels like getting by a bog mons ter? Try '" Ig the dildo in the ill i ! ,I V I' for a few seconds til I', il lip to body temperature , III ueh be tter. -B.T.

I'"

I/('/./

S'I. San FranCiSCO, CA 94110

Or give them acall a (415) 550-1399. They're also home of the Vibrator Museum, known the world over

Page 24 ~

, \ \.

" I'

r \~

I KNOW. I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT THINGS LOOK DIFFERENT THAN I WAS EXPECTING. BESIDES, WHA T'S ALITTLE MO TI VA TlONAL THERAPY IF IT DOESN'T HURHEY, DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

Page2S

~l~ J

足

...

Page 26

THIS

:'\

'\!j--/ ~

Page 27

IT'S SIMPLE,

JOHN THIS IS A COMIC BOOK, NOT REALITY.

JOHN?

TO BE CONTINUEO.

Page 28

Rampant commercialism here at DPN!

Thoughf-provoking

8e the belle of the ball in these hand足 some 700% col/on T-shirts'

"The blood of over 100,000 Americans who have died of AIDS, Mr. President? Why, you're soaking in it!" The graphic that graced our firsl cover Red and black on white Specily Large or Extra-Large $12.00 each.

Page 29

80th these men are singfe

"Official Condom Tester " Commissioned by our Iriends at Ihe Condom Resource Center, this epic design (first seen in Condom Corner) will al/ract the al/ention of everyone from illiterate service station altendants to presidents and kings Red and black on white. Specify Large or Extra-Large. $12.00 each.

IWANT IT ALLI

'iaiism

JPN!

Official DPN buttons, featuring the lovable Oncomouse, Black, red, and while Also available, "Porn Potalo I ikes Thai, " "Porn Potato Doesn'l I ike That, "and "GET FAT, don 't die l " III black and while 2-1/4 inches in diameler $1.00 each.

Please RENEW my existing subscription for only $10.00 (US$12 Canada, US$20 fntemationa/), , Please send me a NEW SUBSCRIPTION 10 DPN (four issues) fOf only $10 00 (US$12 Canada, US$20 Int'I) Ptease start me with issue_IS, or_#6, Please send me BACK ISSUES of DPN for only $3.00 each (US$5 Canada, US$l Int'l), I would like (please check/_11, _ 12, _ #3, and/or_N '

Please send to (print clearly).

Name

Address,

Signalure,

(I cerlily Ihal l am alleasl lSyears 01age)

Tired of those nasly old Trojans but don 't know where to tum? Try Captain Condom's Original Party Pack! 15 assorted condoms, plus 3 lubricant samplesand instructions $4.00 each.

I wOuld/ike to order the fol/owing exciting DPN mercharidise (please specify sizes/quantities), _'_ DPN postcards at 50Â˘ each l - "You're Soaking In II!,,) l_ "Roy and Kimberly") _ ' "You 're Soaking, ," T-Shirt at $12.00 each (._ size Large, _ size Extra Laige) Condom Tester [-Shirt at $12.00 each (._ size Large, _ ' size Extra Large) _ DPN buttons at $1.00 each (._ "Kiss Me, I'm a Diseased Pariah I" "Porn Potato Likes ThaW "Porn Potato Doesn 't Like Tha{/" _ "GET FA T, don't die!") "_ Captain Condom's Originaf.Party Pack at $4.00 each. TOTAL for Merchandise and Magazines _ _ , (Calilomla residents add appropriate sales tax) ,

Please make checks out to

FOG Press, c/o Men's Support Center

P,O, Box ~0564, Oakland,CA 94.604

Page 30