Diseased Pariah News- Issue #7 by Tom Leger

Page Two Bpy Nick .,.'ello(.................;...:. ... ... ...2

· Editorial: The Complete Welfare QuefJo.. .. ..3

DPNMeat Market .. .;............................,...,......... ......... .... 7

Pariah Chase: HunlingSeroclli~ety Republicans ........8

DPN snoblii]d by (ml)st of) the presiaential candidates..... 9

· GET FAT. :dort't diellooks atlhosenasty food stains ..... 11

.Soc/al Protocol for Iii/! Medically Indigent by Tab Lloyd ........ .... ... 12

. . Haywire: Louise, the. Mornirw After....... ..... 13

AnAwful Relllization byDoug1asSaylor . ................... ... . ........... 14

, Buttfu.ckjng Saved My Life! [BDPN Reader Profile] .......... 17

· DPN CenterfoldBoy K~vi,; Bryson.. ................. ..... .... 19

· Porn Poiatoe: T/J.e Long Rod of Justice ........ ...... ... .21

Gall by David.Bear. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..... ..... ... 23

.Memoirs of aWorking Boy. Part VI! by Scott O'Hara. ...... .29

Further Adventures of Captain Condom ..... .. ........... ....... ....... ....30

New and Improved, Low Calorie, Nutritious and Delicious .... ... ...... .37

RECIPES.

Mikey Mae's Calorie-Packer Hash Bitty Mae 's Sexually Repressed Pecan Pie

Robbie Mae's Tofu Fruit Shake...... Shortie Mae 's Green Bean Casserole. Bitty Mae 's Impossible Leftover Quiche

Mysterious Cheese and Nut

Hard-Hearted Hannah 's Pecan Buttercrunch

Page 1

ISSN 1064-8143

7 ,llIllnl,'les.. ....... ... I s/allis I' /,II1! loyd

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13 14 17

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...... ,29

30 1/1 /ldicious . ... ...... .. ..

.. 37

"Hey there all you hot-to足 trot ptayboy HIV types , My name is Nasty Nick. I'm 5'10", 145 pounds, hair everchanging demeanor ever-surpris足 ing; sex drive. never decreasing Full blooded double Scorpio with achip on my shoulder A T-cell count 0115, and I mean business I enloy poetry, dirty notes. dis足 gusling crank callsat 300 am, popcorn white watching Fellini's Satyricon, and tong bouts of violent solilary masturbation, with the rising sun against my .. well. you know what.

Ours are the most literate of tustboys. Look for Nick's magazine, STA TIC, at hip locations in the Santa Clara valley

Page 2

Sleazy Wisdom

hree yea rs ago, shorrly afrer 1 fir sr moved ro San Francisco , I ar rended an ACT-UP "welcum cQ lnlnirree)) new -melnbers' orien

rarion and rh ere mer my fir sr "full rime acrivisr", wh o advoca red quirring o ne's boorl icking corpo rare job, living off disabiliry, and usin g rhe rime rhus liberared to serve Th e Movem enr. On rhe one hand, I couldn'r help no rici ng rhar slich a deal made rhe mosr sense for a "golden lifeboarer" like him : hi s job ar a rorrune 500 cam p'1ny had lefr him well endowed wirh an ex ce ll en r di s;lbiliry package, good heal rh CMe, a paid-offlare model Volvo, and a brge aparrrnenr's worth of Seidermeye r furnirure. On rhe orher hand, I had ro adm ir thar he was, in fIcr, one of rh e rnosr rireless and dh~cr ivc AIDS acrivisrs in rhe region , so rhar I wasn'r inc! il1l'd ro begrudge him a Ii rrl<:' co mfort ar home afrer he roiled so hard on [he fi'o lH lines. And rh en I acknowl edged rhar his general srraregy, wirh a lir ric fin e wning, made ;1 lor of sensc for a lor of 1··I1Vers. Th is is because gerri ng ragged by a Danger Penis rad ically changes mosr of rhe valu es in an HIVer's life eq uarions. "Work" and Ad vancem enr in a Proper Career suddenly seem ro cosr more and payoff bs. Havin g Good Times and do in g Importanr Sruff now rarh er rhan '''3 few years from now" (yeah, righr: in hell , maybe) become a prioriry. Add ro rhi s (he significanr benefirs avail able ro an Officially Disabled Dead Mear Special, especially in ulrra-supporrive Sa n Francisco. l'inall y, consider rhe likely need ro spend increasin g amounrs of rime on healrh mainrenan ce ar rhe very momenr you

Page 3

THE

COMPLETE

WELFARE

QUEEN

find yourself wirh less energy rhan ever before. By rhe rime you finish doin g rh e arirhmeric, you find rhe balance has sh ifred heavily again sr gainfu l employ menr in favor of gainfLd enjoymenr- ar rhe public rrou gh, if ar all poss ibl e. This raises ce rrain pracrical and erhical iss ues-for exa mple, if insread of be coming a Full Tim e Acrivisr wirh your libe rared hou rs you jusr keep rh em for your own personal use, is rhis "rippin g off rh e sysrem" and rhus poli(ical ly in co rrecr' Whar if yo ur definiri on of "dis abled" is sign ifi ca ndy more generous rhan rhe Fed's official line on rhe ropic; is

exaggerarin g your sYl11proms a fair bar· gai nin g rechniquc , or simp ly squ alid we/fore dJetiting? Therc are rhe old borrom-line issues. Ca n you reall y li ve on half of whar you used ro' Even if ir me;ms gerr ing half. rime pay for no-rime wo rk ' Whar abou gerrin g- and paying for-healrh care, in rhi s co unrry rhar links said ca re ( one's job ) Ca n you lay aside yo ur aspirarions (, evenrually beco me a full sraws G uppi (Gay Urban Profess ional), even rho ugh i fac r you spenr mosr of you r life as a pOD

'''I ,'oms a fa ir b~r ,,' ,imp ly squ alid

" h.df o Fwhar yo li '''·.IIIS ge rrin g h a lf~ I\'oJrP Wh ar aboul 1m -hea lrh ca re. Ii" ,,", sa id care ro

bur wilh <l surprisingly high "disClc ""nary in come") W'irhou r yo ur job ro ,kline who yo u are, ca n yo u keep a co 1"'I'<.:nr sense of wo rrhin c~s, or will yo u 1'1\1 lail-sp in inro depressio n. drug "bu.,,' ""I dea rh (no r " bad dcscripri on , by rhe "'.'y. of 90% of rhe genera l popu larion 's '''' IIpa rion,, 1 life), yo ur dccia rar ion of ,Ii'abiliry" beco min g an awful self1"llill ing prop hecy'

asp iratio ns [(1 I"II .'!;lruS G uppi" l.rll. ,'ven rh ough in . ),,,,,r life as a poor

I lil.rll y, whar arc rhe mechan ics of leap in g rhe elusive sec uri ry of empl oymenr "lio rhe vasr and parchy safery ncr J., ·lchi ly spanning rh e yaw nin g abyss be I",.lih' These quesrio ns, and many more,

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(oln-l in c issues.

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will be dished ill dera il bel ow. Becom ing ,r co mp\crc welEr rc qucen may nor be ,I good de.ll for you-ri ghr now, Bur yOIl sho uld alw<1}'s be awa re of ir 3S a fJoss ihili ry, as ir's one of rhe besr dea ls cllrrcnriy avaibble fo r di se,lscd pariah s in rhese Unircd Srarcs. I'm sor ry, bur rry as I mi ghr, I simply find it imposs ible ro rake erh ica l objectio ns reo ripping off rhe t:ed very se ri ously. T hey screw yo u and m ilk yo u SO badly ar every rurn rh ar anyrhing you ca n scam rhem our of, sho rr ofblaranr welfa re-chearing, countS as on ly parriaJ reparario ns for rh eir mean -spirired sru pid iry.

Arc one rWA's food stamps for ,1 yeoII' rc all)' an in ferior in vesrmenr fo r rhe USA rh ,m spe ndin g the sa me amo llnr of money on a single roiler sea r fo r Air Force O ne' If YO ll ca n bind rhe Fed by rheir own srupid and co nrrad icro r), rules ro fund yo ur poc rry wrir ing or graffiri ca nl paign, o r cookin g yo urself ni ce fane ning meals, isn'r rhis ~s good a use of yo ur own Fu cking rax dollars (and rhose of yo ur Friends and fami ly) as "lending" rhem ro Israel so th ey can buy war-roys andlor bui ld mo re Z io ni sr nail er parks in

(Continues on the next page) Page 4

Give DPN to aFriend'

, Like.sYfJhilis,Diseas~d Pariah News Is tQe gift that keeps on giving. Do You ,know $OfneOne who's having a hard Ji,;e dealTrlg with an HIV diagnos,is? Or atroubled friend, lover..or pqrent ol someone with HIV? Buy . them a. year~

...Welfare Queen, C(}Rtillued Palesri ne' [s your need for AZT and Bacrrim really less press ing rhan hirin g one more sp in docror ro manage Bush's "image problem'" Is ir really possible ro "sreal" from rhe mosr noro rious and ef fecrive rhief ever encounrered in several milleni a wonh of ex ploirarion' [ rarher rhink nor. Srili. rhese rouchy erh ical issues musr always How from your own feelin gs based on rh e realiries of your specific siru arion. You may find yo urself morally consrrain ed ro refrain from bel lying up ro rhe rarher limired bounry of rh e weWare rrough ; eve n so, rhe general sU'aregy of reriring from full-rime gainful clllploy menr may srill make se nse.

subscription and tellJhem to sit dow.n, sbut up,. and.get .over' if! Diseased Pqriah News. is the ideal gift for a//'oc ,casiolls and goes with any color or decor Just send $10 (US$l.2 if] Canada,.US$20 for international or

BASIC MATH

ders) to DPN, c/o Men's Support Center, P.O. Bo)( 30564; Oakland, CA 94604 We'll even forward your birtfi

In my case rhe equarion worked our as follows. Ar rhe end of [990 [ was work ing abour 50 hours ,I week, including rwo hal f- ri me, 20-holl[ head-sh rinki ng jobs plus abour 10 hours of queeriHIV jour n'llism. This nerred me a gra nd roral of abo ur 1800 bucks a mo nrh.

.day, Xmas, or sympathy cards withJhe first issue.'

HIV-negarive) adminisrrarors: rhe wo lor of poveny-pirnping, pork-barrelil wo rrhl ess bureaucrars I've eve r en COLI rered in my brief ca reer. My ac rual fi e work was rewarding, bu r purring lip wi rh e airhe'ld assholes making fi ve rim whar I was in rerurn for saboraging nl, work was driving me craz), and probabl' rook irs roll on my T-ccl ls ro boor.

•

mosr fulfilling. Shrinking heads ar Operarion Concern ("O e''), SF's gay/ lesbian mental healrll clinic, paid a laughably low hourly l-:1re bur incl uded a dece m HMO and polirically co rrecr employ menr-alrhough rhe in creasing hassles and infighring rradirion aliy associared wirh bei ng parr of a poorly m,lIlaged, fadin g, und er- funded Ciry/ Movemenr agency were beginning ro ger ro me. Perverse ly, dressin g up rhe bullshir in rouchy-fecly progressive jargon irrirared, rarher rhan alleviared rhe problem.

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Srarrin g up self-help gro ups for HIVers ar rhe AIDS Healrh Projecr (AHP) paid rhe besr mo ney, bur offered NO be nefirs as rhese expensive, life-saving frills were re served for rh e full-rime permanem (and

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If you 're keeping a running rora l, you'l no rice rhar so far we've accou1l[cd fo neu l)' half of my earn in gs and nor a sin gle penny has ac rually been spenr 011 an yrhing orh er rh an servi cing old deb(. My remainin g inco me barely covered my share of rhe renr ($.350) and basic living COsts. I was in fac r bein g subsi dized by my partner (in our nor-lega lly recogni zed relari onship) and even s srru gglin g ro keep my head above (he, warer, icr alon e having any prospecr () acruaJiy di gging my.,clf our o f conrillu in g fmancial cr isis.

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QUARTE R-TI ME JOB

"Glamor is inappropriate during hard times. Cute boys are boring." - ADPN subscriber in Boston

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Alas, mosr of Illy generous, almosr gu pi c-hood in come was already spoken fo My srudem I0'111 S, [Ora ling abo $20,000, had finally and irrevocabl co me due, all del ays and forb e,Ha ne having bee n ex hau sted. Monrhly pay, mCnlS of ar leasr $.300 were going ro sra ve ry soo n and conrinue unbroken for rlt nex r 25 yea rs. I'd funded my nor-quir, srarving srud enr lifesryl e off my credi ca rds; when 1 was diagnosed in '88 1 wen eve n furth er inro shorr-rer m debr on rh (forrunarely incorrecr) assumpri on rhar was going ro ki ck off before rhe IJledi ull rerm ever gor here and rha r ['d never ha ro pay ir back. So debir anorh er $20,000, and ar an average 20% inreresr. 'fhi cosrs abour $500 a 1110nrh , which Ill osrl goes ro inreresr paymenrs and hardl [Ouches rh e pri ncipa l.

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,illg, pork-ban'di .. .. I've ever enC01il 1

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il,akillg fi ve rillil , /'"' saboraging "'1 ( ral.y and prohd,J , ,dis ro boot. I(" II) LI S, almosr gUI ' , :drcady spoken I," IOraling aboll ' I)' ,IIHI irrevoclhl l :11 "I forbearan u ,.., MOllrhl y p al" , wnc going ro Sr.II' Ill' IInbroken for iiII' IIJ,-d my nor-quil' '.1) " " off my Cl"ed iI '.' II ,.scd in '88 I \""" I 'I I<.; nll debr o n rI,,· ) .",sllmprion rh'lI I l,d"l'l' rhe medilil" I ,h.lr I'd never haw Ii .IIlocher $20,0(){) )no inferesr. 'rhi.\ ,",1. , which mOSII.,· ""'Ili S and hardl )'

""ing roral , yo u'll ·'Vl' acco unred (," jll g;-';lnd nor a sin

I)" hcen spene Oil " rvicing old debl. " . I." rei y cove rcd ($350) and basi, 1:lcr being subsi " our nor-Icgall v ip) and eve n Sll " h"'ld above rh ,. :', .Iny prospecr or / our of co nri'"1

I lu maimain rh ,' I Iud rhe energy. .11 III sicker. I be whl'll "II I coliid ;" ,/II.'( ill BaS/Oil

I,. IV." curl up in a fever ache and rry ro

,., I' "IT my agony. Such days came our

, 01 ",), dwindling srock of PTO. Srress

"" .I, .In ever-grea rer roll; rhings aggra 11 ... 1 me more eas ily rhan in rhe past.

I 'H'I',kd ro spend more rime on healrh

"i' , on researching rrearmenrs, on

. "I",'ping all over rown ro find rhem,

111 01 un acrually raking rhe dozens and

I, >it'Ii S of noxious, golf-ball sized pills. I

," ,'.led an ever-in creasi ng number of

'''''I S to meer wirh my doeror in "n end-

I. '.'. I',.,mc of rrack rhe symptol11 ro rhe ap i '" 'priare opportunisric infecrion before ir 1,11·. yo u. I "'inl:; wirh HI V, I discovered , is at least a ,pl. lrrcr-rime job, maybe half-rime. II lI llcching had co go, and I dercnnined ir " ""Idn'r be an y more of l11 y precious I ,ells. Whar, I asked, could be rhrown "VI'rhoard ro make rhe while rhing 1,..I :II1 CC' I lmpping my wriring was our of rhe 'I''''srion , rho ugh ir paid a mere pirrance, .,', il was rhe only work I was doing which I Ihoroughly enjoycd. " I dropped rhe low-paying head-shrink 'ng job ar OC I wouldn'r lose l11uch ,,,oney, bur I would lose my hea lrh ",sman ce beneftrs. Even if I I :( )BRAo rhem (a law rhar allows you to ~l'ep your job's healrh benefirs for 18 ",onehs afrer you leave) I'd srill have to pay for rhem myself-a good $200 a "Ionrh; and an yway, ar rhe end of a yea r md a half rh ey'd be gone forever. II"I jusr qllir rhe high-paying, no-benefirs, high-aggravarions AHP job I'd cur l11y in "'me in half, and srill be ineligible for any hl'nefi rs because of my orher jobs, which, however, would jusr barely cover my ,n()rhly deb r commirmenrs wirh norhing kft over for living expenses, ler alone ris ing healrh care cosrs. ( :arch 22: if! worked ar all I had ro work filII-rim e ro make ir worrhwhile, and I was no longer capable of doing rhar.

If, on rhe conrrary, I declared myself ro rally and permanenrly disabled due ro AI OS, I could easily file bankruprcy and dump my credir ca rd debr. The srudenr loan people, nororiousl y persisrenr, in my ca.\e dropped all collecrion efforts (!) upon bein g informed-wirh irreproachable documenrarion-rhar I was permanenrIy di sa bled wirh AIDS, alrhough rhey'd jusr informed m e rhar rhey would fi ghr roorh and nai l if I rried ro include rhem in my pending bankruprcy proceedings. C lea rly rhey'd pegged me as a Dead Mear Special, likel y to croak before rhey'd squeezed any real money our of me, and for once I was willing to Ier rhis blaranr di scriminarion pass un challenged. Similar considerarions doubrl ess made m)' bankruprcy proceedings (which I did my self wirh rhe assisrance of rhe excellenr Nolo Press book on rhe ropic, rarh er [han paying for a lawyer) a cur-and-dri ed, un challenged rourin e aFfair. Why rry to squeeze blood from a dyi ng PWA-since ir's likely to be rainred, anyway? IroniC-lily, From rh e collecrion agency re sisrance perspecrive (and perhaps every orher as well) ir's berrer ro be bankrupr rhan to be dead. Wh en our founding Deadiror croa ked lasr year, hi s collec tors were srrangely undererred by rhe news rhar rheir vicrim was dead. Was rh elT an esrare' (No.) Was rh ere an ybody rhey could srick rhe debr on' (Again, no .) Could Tom Shearer's dea rh in Facr be definirively docum ented wirh a dearh cerrificare? (Yes .) Gerring a copy of said cerrificare only delayed rhem for a few days, uneil a new collecror picked up rhe case. In sra rk COllCrasr, a single declara rio n rh ar I was bankrupr was enough ro srop (he mosr dererm ined collecror dead in his cracks. Ir's depressing ro rhink rhar we're worch so much more ro rhem dead rhan we are alive. I COBRA'd my heal(h benefirs, which in California ger paid for by rhe Srare (under irs clever Healrh Insuran ce Premium Pay menr-HIPP-program) if you ca n

show rhem (har doing so is cheaper rhan having ro pay For your care rhough rheir own ove rtaxed safery ner. This is nO( difficulr ro do. My drug bill alone would have cosr California abour rhree rimes whar ir cosr rh em [0 pay my monthly C OBRA, and I ger much high er qualiry ca re: a deal so reasonable rhar even Governor "Snea ky Pere" Wilson couldn'r objecr ro ir. I also gar rhe [ I-monch ex rension of special COBRA benefirs only available ro rhose who leave rheir jobs du e [0 disabiliry, This viral legislarion, wrirren and passed by lad Congressperson Nancy Pelosi, ex acrly "bridges rh e gap" which orherwise would occur berween CO BRA when ir ends ar monrh 18, and Med icare, rhe fed eral disabiliry program which can'r kick in lIntil 29 months afrer di ag nosis/disabil iry-grea r fi.1f HIVers, nyer' Finall y, alrhough ir rurned our rhar I'd spent [00 mu ch of rhe pasr decad e work in g for academic ins(icurions-peculiarly exe mpr from paying in on one's behalf inro any of rhe Federal enrirlemene pro grams like Social Securiry- ro earn any se rious benefirs, I was srill eligible for rh e rock-borrom sripend allowed rhe Torally and Perman enrly Disabled: $650 per monrh. (Special lare-breaking updare: due ro recenr srare budger Cll(S, rhis figure is now abour $600/mo.) This was nom inally a palrry rhird of whar J earned as a producrive worker bee. Despire rhi s gross income reducrion of nea rly $1100 per monrh , afrer all my debr-dumping ir only amounred ro a ner monrhl y reducrion of abour $300: o nly a 30% decrease in my real cash-in pocker income , accompa nied by abour an 80% reducrion in work load (all ofir our of my hared shir-work) and a 100% reducrion in debt. IF we counr my dis charged $40,000 deb( as income, 1991 wa s my bes r economic year ever, easily ropping $50,000.

(Continues on page 15) Page 6

DPN Meat Market We rhought we'd have TO 'r eprinc d red old personals from a p~j ous

edido,n to fill this $CCliO~l, buc !:Wo diligent readers bve ddiver~d u~

, tr~m that horrible fate; 'H ere th~Y' a re:

19 YEAR..,OLD COLLEpE ~TUDENT; 6' 1" ; 160 pourids. bn)'~Il ' h::tir and eyes. l.enjoY theat~r, writing;

a'nd even' hor sex.. Sc~king posirive people

for correspondence, fj路i.enchhip, romance and/or sex. I, live. in La'''l.renc:c,

Tailored business " fl7ay be replaced 1)\, looser Armani stvll

Kansas, is 路t here anyone a:roUrid~ Reply to DPN Basket #15. '

. '

loNELY BUT ATTRACnYE AFl{ICAN 'AM E RICA.N, gay

male, 47, s~eks

affectionate, intelligent; apd sensual guys, 28- 55 forfriclldshiPl sex, or pen pak I live in ;the BostQh area,' am5'6~', 110 pounds, brown eyes, brown h~ur, deai1 shaven, ~ 1l1oot~, and: HIV+ fot seven years.

lookil~g (mid '30s) and very h~rnY:

Into

y.ollng

FrlGr AlP, ~nd vers;tile, bot,

sweaty sex. No New Age health IllltS. Recr~arional drugs~, toba~co, 'mid alcobol certainly acceptable in rnoder.a tion.. Safe sex. 'P bollesexokay, send phone Iltl!nber. Race unimportant. Sexy buns and personality a plus. Reply toDPN B;lsker #16., Since ollr tWO boys have ~iscreeHy c,h qsen. DPNb?skers [frs:eJ fof. rheir politically correctTyo~ can say anyrhing bur ";rrrught acri-ng"j listings

lfi~st 50 words free, .J ()垄 apiece (here~terJ; yo~ gortad~ something

special.

,Writ~}'out :Ietter. I?u~ it i~ ~n envelope. Bur a stamp on 'that ' .

envd6p~. Wri~e :

rhe路b<\Sketnumber. 6n' rhe envelopc. Put thai in ,

~:r

an9ther envelope. Address it (0 us; Pur a stamp on thar envelope.

Mail it. Wt:'Uforwardir. Under some circumstances, the cd itotial staff may also even forward env~lopes .sent without accompa nying post;a~, . but not before xeviewing' them firstJor our arnuscmenr.

Page 7

Newly found fascillilt 1'.' //1) Echinacea.

::IIr1rten appearance 01 I'I/vale physicia n's hOIl II/wIJe number on alii!.' , ',/II'oel dialer.

Tailored business attire may be replaced by looser Armani styles.

Formerly cleancut men who sprout beards or grow long hair may be hiding that wasted look or those pesky lumps in the neck.

Although pillboxes may merely be an indication of angina, look for the telltale flash of blue and white of quickly palmed capsules around the noontime hour.

Page 8

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DIRTY POLITICS

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DPN Snubbed by Most ofthe

Major Presidential Candidates!

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til '. o uldn ' t ir be nice, is thar a nswering questi on naires we th o ught, if DPN from cran ky, irrevere n t HI V humor co uld he lp its readers magazin es is low o n ca ndidates' lists make th e oh-so- hard de of priorities, even when th e qu es c isio n of who to vote fo [ ti o nnaires arrive by certified m ail , thi s November. It seemed accompanied by user-friendly pre so simple; we'd make a pJid rerurn en ve lopes. W e se nt out li st of qu es tions, se nd them to the seven qu es tlonn a[res; we gOt back o ne bo na fide res ponse an d one l'residentia l candidates and their running mates, and l)rint th e fasc i (orm lerre r. n;lt ing an swe rs we 'd rece ive_ H ow na['ve of us[ for one, we believed "Due to the numerous questi o n tlut we' d ger oll r asses in gear and naires received by the campaign, th e have DPN #7 in subscrib ers' hands Presid ent is unable to answer each before Election Day. Even more inquiry individu ally." Thus spake nJ'lve, we figur ed that th e can George Bush's D epury Director of did;1tcs (o r at least their Communications (totally burch IS'" lIl[n[ons) wo uld care tirie, doncha thinkl). " How ~~et-1j. ever, we are happy to c nou gh to write o(l ~o( , .(I,.'f'o \(,. . 'f . , .... back. The sen d ;j!P .,.<,. : •• to \ ",,(fO . . . ; ~" sad truth ,.t-0 " ~~~, . ' "Q~' ," . " \ ,•• ' 0 ~."~ _",ofJ. . "" .r ••;;t' :\. : ' :

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Pse udo-candidate H e nry Ross "I quit because th ey were fixin' to sm ear my daughter" Pero[ couldn ' t be bothered. Bill C linto n and Al Gore yawned. But[ We did hear from Andre M an-ou, the Libertarian Parry candidate for President. They're number three-rhey try harder, I suppose. Our questions, and Mr. M arrou's res ponses are re produced below.

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1) In your view, what is the single ,-" I most important contribution the US I ,,/. 1/ Government can make to help com 1/ I bat AIDS? "Ge t the F.D.A. our of interfering with inrrodu((io n of ami-AIDS drugs-s uch as AZT and DDC"

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you th e campaign fact sheer (s ic) te fl eering rhe President's posiri on on this issue. We hope yo u find ir use ful." Uh, thanks. It made splendid bird cage lining. "If yo u have a ny further quesri o ns, please feel fre e to call. " (We hasren to point O UI that no ph one numbe r was give n in the le rrer.) Anyhow, n othin g in th e Bush camp's f.'1cr shee t add ressed any of the qucstions we posed, nor was any of ir particularly amusing, so we're not inclined to print any of it here.

You can still write back y'know-we 'll print it.

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') Some western European gov ,'mments fimd sexually explicit I lOS-prevention educational ma I,'rials. Do yo It feel this could be "" appropri.ate us of taxpayers'

I/Wlley?

.. No. Would be ben er ro provide, ,,,'y, a prize for development of an !\ IDS cllre. " T l (sic) re OSHlo n on ind it lIse ,'splendid , have ~ n y kcl free to ,lOu t lh ,\[ VcJl in the "g in th e ,Iddressed ')()sed , no r amusll1g, 'int any o f

The National Commission on

TIME FOR ASPANKING! THAT' S RIGHT, WE KN OW ,wHO's

.. II DS has criticized President

/I/lsh for not providing leadership dealing with the AIDS crisis. I h) you agree with the Commission Oil this point, and why? III

. Yes . Bu sh is homophobic, an d only via inten se public p ressure has his I~. D .A. approved lise of IVT and DOC"

I) What is the closest relationship have (e.g., fri.end, family IIIcmber, colleague, acquaintance) //lith someone who hilS AfDS or is )'OU

Ross "I rixin' ro I couldn 'r 11 :md AI di d hear ihcrrarian 'residen r. I hey try lues rtons, ,es are re

wo uld appear rhar no t only did Mr. M arro u m ake an efforr to locaee and pe ruse a co py of DPN aner re ce ivin g our leteer, bur he app rec i ated our sick bran d of humor, and admined ir. Prerry balls)' for a ca n d idate on the bailor in all 50 stares, we'd say. W e also li ke the call-a sp ade-a-spade ani rud e ev idenced by rhe sta remenr "B ush is homo phob ic" . C ould yo u imagin e Bill C lin ron sayin g that )

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"Close perso nal friend who recenrl y died from AIDS , and another fri end who IS 11iV -posi ti vc ."

As a proj ect of a 50 1(c)(3) no n profit corpo rati on, OPN makes no pol irical endorsemenrs. O ur re marks ;lbout I-he cand idates (e. g., "G eo rge Bush is a wa nkn ") shou ld not be consrru ed as reco mmenda ti ons or criricisms, no r sho uld loaded qucs tion #.3 in OUl' qu es rio nll;l i,'c be seen as a jab ar Ceo rge i3ush (even though he is a wa nker). W har d id we lea rn Cram all lhis)

Oh, sevcd thin gs. We blJ'lled no t ro get o ur h op_'~ up abour gerring res po nses fro m Presidcllt ial Glilcli da tes. And we'll make slIre th ;l[ in 1996, whoever's edicin g DPN srans ea rly enough to Finish rhe issue wi th the elecrion article some time before November. - T. A.

'») Had you heard of Diseased I'ariah N ews?

" No."

'he single 'II the US Jelp com-

IlTtering

lIi-AIDS DOC. "

'II print it

(,) Have you seen a copy ofDiseased Pariah News? (Ifyes, did you like il?)

"Yes. Yes." Imagine o ur surp rise! From his an ,wers ro quest io ns 5 and 6, it

Page 10

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;\., "'nll' "filS kn ow ,til roo well , gerring sick is ~ I C· .l[ \Val' ruinin)!, rh ,l[ ~lVorire pair of silk 1'.lj.1I1 l.1.'. All ir rakes is an JV in rhe arm , array "I' h, ,' pi ra l f(lOd. or maybe a ~ pecimen co n !.Iilln ,Ir rhe bedsid e, and yo u'll cOlne face ro l.lce wirh rhose nasty lirrie..

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l'lll cum, egg, mi lk , sweat, vomit, or piss, , nil" wirh bakill[', ",da ;mel rinse.

h ' r ink. hor h f~ l r ril' alld [,,1II poi Ill. spr,ly ' Ollie hair'llr;l)' or l.y,o l inro ,I paper towd ,Inel hlot rhe sra in . Bew;lre ' So me aerosols

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comipllollS pbce firsr. Avoid Aqu a-Nc r I·.xrra I-Ioltl ;Ind ot hcr hi gh b cq uer fo rrllldas.

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hlr gravy , salad dre~ ing, lipstick. or orhel grLlse- based ofb l, do n't use warer. Insrud, scr:lI>L' off,,~ much as poss ible wirh ,I hlum kllif~ . The n, t:lke so me li ghter fluid , lurp enrin e. benze ne, or any o ther in dusr ri,rl so lve ms yo u 111 '1)' h'lve lundy, ,md ,tppl Y;1 re\\ drops direc tl y o nro rhe srain. Brush from the ce nrer ourwards. Like hair spra y ahove, resr o n rhe f"bric fir st.

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ror wine . coffee. soft dr inks , ju.ice. booze, and orher dark ware r-based srain s, app ly a co upl e of dro ps of di shwashing liq uid and sc rub wirh a moisr clor h. Flush -BT. wirh ware r and par dry.

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Don't worry, Denise.

These stains are only simulated.

oelAL PROTOCOL FOR

EMEDICALLY INDIGENT

by Tab Lloyd

he ter m "social worker" sounds like so meo ne yo u em ploy to keep the list of what dress yo u wore at what party ... "My so cial wor ker said one more funera l and I'll h ave to buy a new bl ack "lItfit, I've worn them all already Ihis seaso n. " "My social worker' ',aid r should hand address each lorm and include a personal invita lion to lunch when I submit my ,Ipplication to M edi- Cal." "M y so , ial worker suggested I dress down I()r the SST inte rview. She believes casual attire is most appropriate." Acrually I'm lying, my state soc ial worker won't even answer her phone, let alone give me advice on "social protocol for th e medically indigent." I've had to guess at what M s. Manners would do if she were in my shoes (probably look to see if they m a tched). When sending correspondence to your worker, add a personal touch-there's nothing like a hand written note to make someone re member you. I suggesr so m ething like: ''1' m so glad you en joy read ing my Social Sec uriry Disabiliry

Award letter, I've enclosed a gummed pad of 200 copies so yo u won ' t have to ask for it aga in. Just peel one off whenever you need it, " or perhaps JUSt "Do n' t worry if you lose this again, I've sem copies [0 your supervisor and my lawyer. I'm sure either of them will happily su p ply you with additional copies should you req uire them. Si nce rely, Bruce." In dealing with o ne's soci al worke r, never refer to her as a "stupid ass cunt", unless you walH her to de stroy all reco rds pertaining to your digibiliry. Social workers share tech niqu es of bureaucratic sabotage as a kind of bonding ex perience. Of all rhe things th ey do, they do this bes t. Kissing ass is the best method of avoidin g socia l worker sabotage bu t if you must releas e tension and anger, first rell yo ur social worker you suffer from Touretre's syn drome. This will allow yo u to call him a "fucked our hol e" , or her a "lazy ass bitch", and maybe a "mur derous shit-eating whore" without retriburion. You'll feel better, and yo ur file will have a greater chance of making it rhrough your ca tharric ex perience intac t. If correspondence

and tel ephone calls don 'r do th e tric k, yo u'll hav e to grant yo ur social worker a persona l appea rance. Here are a few tips: wear clo th es ar least five sizes toO large, accesso rize wi th a hospital ID bracelet, and it's per fecdy okay if your shoes don 'r march your ense mble (or each orher). Let's talk hair-the chemo look works bes t, but if you can'r pull it off, sim ply mousse all your hair forward for that popular "guinea pig uncombed pillow case rub" look. Sometimes th e wair to see yo ur worker can be inrerminable. Speed up the process by feigning projec tile vo miting. Tomato soup is too frightening, and pea so up is too dramati c; try a neutral cream of mushroo m. Once inside, co ughing and drooling help , but 1 find re peated references to diarrh ea while squirming and clenching any pa perwork you were given will waive any unnecessa ry or repetitive steps. Finally, keep a moisr sponge in your pocket, so when complete, th e interview ends with a nice damp handshake. Chances a re, nexr time you'll be able to co nclude a ny busi ness over the phone with a mInI mum of fo rmaliry.

Page 12

AYWI

Louise, the Morning After ,' I C pi cked Oil l.ollise 11.1 \' ,110 1 :Ir(l li lld here ,lt 1) 1':" , I'or Ihosc' rClcins \I II" ci"II '1 kil O'" Illllc'h ,Iholl l II c r, or wO IItic-r \\,111 ,ll c"s '1 Ih' "I' o ur h I <'I il c' 1,lrt,l'ls , Ill'i'c''s \\'h)' : h'l 1, llti "'l' j1 li l' is I'lIl'kc'd , I co uld , II ' IIII S ~ lIidl' d " (H "c'XII 'C' llI c,", hut II II ""lIlc1I ,'1 (I" il justin', 1<11 11', 11.1\ IS , (d ' l'(lIII'SC', till' nc,\(ol' "I ,"11111 """ sc' Ii ~ IIc11' ["Hlb, .Iudio 1,Ij"" , ,lIltl col"rill~ hooks Ih :ll Il'lI II ' ('.(" 1" ill c(ll1[rol ' lj' oUl'sc'lvc's, \\ (' cl'c':II,' c" ('I'I' so-c'.lllni ' illil ns' ill <>111' IHIlh-, " )'(1 11 Ih o ughr P:II':l ' Il LS c',llI sc'd sl.lhic',' ; No, ir ',s pl'Oba I,ll " ilil ~'C' I l'lllllillkill g" , 111 Loui sc's \\(lr ld , hl :lc-I; II ":lds :l l'c' ca ll sed h )' ,l llg,' I', h,lIdl1l's,s is ,',l ll Sl'li Ill' kar :ln d 1,' ll siol)' :tllli hLlddl'l' prohkl1ls C<l l11l' (''' ' C'Olll'"c,l) I'rolll h"illg 11i,s"ed off " \'\-'c' :trc' c':ll'h I (JO' }'" r,'sl' 0nsibk I,ll' ,III Olll' nqll'l' lc' 11 Cl'S," ,'l'!, l.ouise, I'hi s k(,I 'SW llc' "F 0ll'IV Agc' phil oso Ilh;- is sa id 10 he Cillflowl' rin g. libc:r .Ilin g, reju l'c' J1.1ring, and so Oil, l ~ lI r doc's ir ho ld w:1[e r) ]f' a m ctco r cr,lshcs il1to 111\' house, .1111 [ 100'% rc's pomihk:? Is Ill)' rO Olllllla te also rl'spollsible) Luuisc Ha y c:ln ' t be horhered with such il1quir \'; critiCl l tllll ll gh t aill ' t hn l'll1g Slli r.

Page 13

t\ Sc'Il ,'c' (If I ()(l'!-l, r,'spoll, ihilit y illlp lie,s tlut g"ttil1j2, sil'" rqHesl' l1t s ~~ Iilur,', /\ 1'l'llstr:ltill j2, thought to he 'U I'(', hut no l to wo rr y: It 's perfeer ly possihle 1',1 ho lt! th,lt 1,,' licr w lri w Ut be in g IIp,'e t :It I'o utse lr I,ll' h.lving flilcd , iZc'lll e lllhcl', YO LI ILl ve C()Ill plerc' L'll IH I'O I over ,I'our rJ1lIughts ill thc' N c'W Ag",

To l.()u isc' Ha,v, rhL'l'l' i,s tl'ul y 110 limit to Wh.ll Wc' ,11<: respol1sihle [(lr, Vlie choo,sc' ollr parem", [(H' l' xa lll pk , 'Tac h Olll' of us decidc's to incal'l1atc Uf10 11 rhis planet ,It p:lr ticul :lr po int s ill ri mc and sp:tcc," Ilinh dd~'c t s ,liT karmic ill ol'igin, No cvidcnc", no shc' ;:IYS, ,'xp lan,lrion- yo u JU St gO[[" 1ll'li ,'vl', Th erc arc' 110 :lL'cidcnrs, Louise l e lL~ us, 1t is sur,' I)' 110 acc id enr thai Lou ise H ,lY hooks arc bcking any crcdible ,lrgUl11C IHS [0 h,1Ck up her l11 etaph ysicl l asstr rion s, Bu t hey, the New Age isn ' t about sp li rtin g hairs, W hy was te you r energy be in g skepti cal when yo u cou ld be healing yo urse lCwirh aFl-i J'lll<Hion s) Lo ui se H ay has special wo rd s for gay peop le, Sh e says rhar because we 'vc been rold for so lo ng thar we' re bad , we can ' r help but rhink had rho ughts, Artfu ll y sugges tin g

Uh-oh, where's our Ruh-Roh?

her cOl1cluslo l1, she :ld ds "Jr is 1101 surfll'l sll1g th ;11 g,w l11ell we i' :1 l110 1I gst (s ic ) the first to ,'x pn il' nn th,' dre,ld disGlse, /\1 DS," She rhl'lI chi lks u,' 1(11' heill):', 1' I'('oclllpic'd with beauty and Y'llllh, "lId CO lllill ues: " lkuus,' 01' the W,I)'S h,lVPl'!) pic often tlT,1l oth l'! g:l )" , I,ll' l11a l1l 12."Y I11l'n rh e L'X fll'IWnCl' o j' g,' ninl: old iSs( lI11"thing t( l drl';l d , It is :1I l110st h,'[(l'r 1,1 di e th '111 to gc'[ old An d AI DS is :1 di se:lse th:lt Ofil' ll ki lls," The conc lu sio n, :lg,l in o nl ) il1111l in l, is tklt ;\1 DS i,s appl'olll'iatl' I() r j2,.1), I11cn, givcn OUI' had ,I [(i rlldo,

II Thi s ralk i,) rhe ran ke',s t oC g:lrhagc" You gl' r i 1 1i~,L't l' d with H IV whcil it 's int roduce d ilHO yo ur hl ood strca 111 , The uni versc didn ' t sil1 gl(' our gay l11e n fill' a t:1i lor- l11 ad e dis case hce<lusL' o f rh eir rh o ughts, Lo uise Ha y is on a par with fu nd:1 I11cIHali sts w ho imis( thar AI DS is Cod's puni shment for hOl11 osex ual ity- exee pt rhat th e Fundics haw th e b:lli s ro say ir ex pli citl y, a !H1 Loui se Ha y ca reFull y leaves he r el11 barass ing co nclusio ns u nst,u ed, Don ' r gc r me wrong- I'm fully co nvin ced th ar my menral srare ha" a rremcndo us influence o n 111)' hea lth , Howeve r, my co ncepr 01

IllCiltal health does not includ e be li(:ving simplistic drivel.

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II, .'. ill<' r,llIkest of' g:lrh,lgc , • 11I1"lled wirh HIV wilL 11 ""lilt nl inro yo ur hlood II,. , llni v,' rsl' didn' r sin gl, 111('11 I ~JI ' :1 lail or-I1l :lck eli" " III .',e 01' lheir rhoughl\ 11,11' i,\ Oil:l par wirh fUll d,1 \I ', wiH) insisr rh,j[ AIDS i\ IlIli,\('1l1l'IH for h0ll1osexll:r 1 "111 iI,al rhe funclies h :1I I" I" ,":IY ir ex pli ci tly , a llol 1.1 ) ""rd'ull y leaves her elll r. ' IIII,·lu.\i ons unsrared,

:" 1 IIle wrong-I'm ful" <,111':11 Ill)' men ral slare h,.'. ."I"u.\ influence o n 111\ I III \\'('v er , Illy concept "I

What's more, Lo uise Hay books are lortUroUS to read. Th ey're strangely devoid ofwit, and I ha ve rea l prob lems rrusting an y purponed spiri liI all eader who does n't ha ve a good ',cJlse of humor. Louis e Hay talks ,tlJout humor-she tells us it's good-but she doesn ' t say anything lunny. She blows every OpPO[[U lIity; think of the fU ll she co uld've had with an explanation of what (auses hay fever. (But no, it's "Emotional conges tion. Fear of the calendar. A belief in persecution, ( ; uilt. ") I.ouise Hay doesn'r spe<l k well of medi cal doctors, She says th ey I rea t only the sy mptom s of illn ess, IJot the ca uses . T his is surely true in many cases, bur if yo u J'elied juSt on Loui se Hay books, you 'd have a hard time kn owing where doctors :Ire useful and where they aren ' r. If I had rabies, I'd rather have it treated with drugs than repeat Loui se Hay's recommended :lffirmation. A truly holi stic ap proach to health care looks for valu able techniques from all sou tces, However, it's hard to be w rong about everyt hing, and Louise Hay has so me things of merit to say. You don't need her books, though ; I'll summarize the good poi nts here. Do n't harbor anget, resentm ent, fear , or guilt. Work to transcend your perceived limitat ions. Love yourself. Don't get stuck thinking about th e past. Listen to what your body tells yo u, Eat well. Don ' t lie to yo utself, a nd temember: the New Age is neither. - T. A.

j rhet'f,4" gaysgetAIDS I always thoOght t/ltey were immune to , , . it, you know, in those big old ho'uses in the suburbs and all. Someone fucked up and I got this invitation to an "At gay, AIDS n.flrty. I had only once before gotten an invitation to an "N' party, but that was ten years,agowhen I was young and beau-well, I was young, anyway. Ihad no money, though, so I couldn't play ball with the big bOys. '.' . , ' Anyway, back to this gala event Aperkyyoung b~ondanswered the door, anilouncihg the group as ~'Positive Pride " (naturally they cOfl,ldn't have had the'word "AIDS")frthere,-"A " gays don't get AIDS, they're , only HIV+:) A'I1yway; he explained that this was purely aso.cial group, Clnd they had no affiliation with any Qther organization working for PWAs: He stressed that the stayed out ofpolitics. Well, I was disappointed that ' .there was no great c.ause to rally behind. You see, San,Diego has this lovely Junior League called "Gay Graduates", precious menl);hbcoflect food and toiletries for the qUeers they would certainly never entertain iii their homes. I was expecting something alittle more than that. I came bounding in with my new, tasteful "Kiss me, I'm adiseased pariah" T-shirt. No one spoke to me. They were all in designer clothes and looking ever so chic. "So, "I asked one young thing, "Did you make it to the ACT-UP rally last night?" He gave mea ,chilly look and left. My heart was sinking, If was. like bfl,ing on the deck of the Titanic while the band was playing some old'hymn. And as'much as ! R?d se cretly envied the ':.4" crowd that I never hadaccess to, I felt so SOFty for these men They had led gilded lives, and were now facing their first sorrow-as much a~ they equId, I overheard one man (who wouldn!i give his real name) talking abo,llt his therapy group. It was WJ!h soml1 closeted shrin~ do~ntowf! Who was charging the pretty /)oys,$1ao~ai1 hour to bemoan crLlel fate:. I finally had'[o ieave. I had asjck fes/fau I WBsat Norma Desmond's New Year's,Eve party. No one told them they 'w,eren'( s'fQ.~ arw mqre, that the world hacfcharlged: An(j~s I left, passing t~e, e.xpensive spads cars until rfotinp my own liitre wreck, I aetual&,trted to pray,to same gorifor them. I had1iever hadl1nythii1tJ, and'AIGS 'vas justdne'fflorf' ~ "/ " . . '.~ , '*' " ." ~ , adversity in my life. But tl!Q.sr:men~ VJtro!Jadl!defllJSer/ to tf'e~t lhd finest m~st have been !5vastAtedth:JJ1~st. ~(,iJ L, ODUgtD'SaYIOr ~.

-~'--

Page 14

My perso nal exa mple is one of so meon\' who'd dropped inro th e "safety ncr", bill if yo u led eve n a slighrly more produr rive occupation al life rhan I did you ma)' O n th e one ha nd , leisure and srress-free we ll be eli gible for significan rly mor,' livin g; on rhe ot her, endless ro il and MikeyMae's

generous rctircmcnr benefirs. If you aggrava ti on wirh no realistic prospecr of ea rn ed good wages for mosr of the pa'i Calorie;'Pac/ter Rash'

improve ment. I hesitared no further, ren years, yo u paid a small fortun e inl(l and have bee n li ving hap pily ever after. . .<. . to · 4 tablespo.ons .4 !ift0IJn Social Secui rty and are now enrirl ed ro:1 roast;' or butter' co rresponding mo nrhly sti pend. Son1(' BASIC ME C HANICS Aboutl rup rtJeat scraps 'pulled off a peo ple ge t abour $ J 000 a monrh ill ,c41'Cars or bo~e; finely chnpped . benefi ts this way. To qualifY for all rh ese goodies, you have I idl'ge ol1iclll, chopped ro be demonsr rably di sabled (which, If, cve n bene r, you acrua lly worked for:t please no re, does always require 'lC ru al j ~ell pepP(t; .red or gl'eell, chopped .~ disabili ty.) An HIVet with more rh an co mpany thar has irs ow n reriremenri 1 dooe garlic': "!:inced. : . 500 T-cells wi lJ have a hard rime con di sa bility pacl{'1ge, you could be si rring '2 cups !LftoIJel' Of' fresh lJeggit;s, j£n;ely prerry. Your be nefirs co uld include ,I vincing 'lily au thoriry rhar rhey need to ~hopptd. .

nice momhl y amounr and perhap, rerire, unl ess they've kId a se ri ous op FreJhpepp~1' [Ii lI1{te.

wo uld include co ntinu ed he:1lth ca r,' po rtuni stic infecrion. Co nve rsely, any 'dash'(1Worccstmhi,re saller

HI Vel' wirh less rh,1(1 200 T-cell s is cove rage. .~5. CZ;P leftol""r ,~ml~)\ or .<Iock;pr milk,

justifiabl y co nsidered a de [leta perso n 2 eggs person . " .

with AI DS (eve n rhou gh the offi cial Hea lrh ca re is, ironicall y. ,1 separate mat· rer From di sabiliry. Bein g covered whcll CDC poli cy chan ge codi fY ing rhis was . Hear fat or buner :i11 a. heavy . J d<;clared disabiliry, an d living ill neve r 'lCwall y im plemen ted). skillet a.nd brow!1 the mcatbj~s until . Ca lifornia wir h irs HIPP progralll, J wa\ ~h.ey're c ~ispy : (ahom fiverninute~). able 1O ex rend Illy ex isring cove rage. If The Social Securi ry peopk, rhe ones who Remove with "slott.ed spoon and set yo u have a privare poli cy, yOIl musr co n decide if yo u ger benefits or nor , will as~de. Sauteihe onioi\, bdJ'pcpper; tinue to pay for it you rself Medica l''' wa nt ro sec some evidence of illness. If 'garli C:, a'nd an y fresh :vcgetables you prerry mu ch covers all basic med ical YO ll simp ly declare yo ursel f farigu ed, I decide ust lultil they are wilted ani:! cos rs-but you're nor el igible until 2(' dOll'r know how they could di sprove ir the qniol1 is sepli-trapsparent. Add mo nrh s afrer you retire. bu r they're reall y looki ng for more co n th~ Icft()v<;i· vcggi~s ~ndthe mc:u and crete stuff A recen r sray in th e hospiral .cook: 011 qlediumfor five ro reI; min - . You can alwa ys JUSt rhrow yo ursel f on IS a good qU '1lifier for di sa bility. rh e public mercy on this issue, roo. O rh erwise, be prepared ro ex plain how ; ures, occ«sion,uly breaking lip the Most coulHi es helVe s'lfl." ty-net cove rag.. and why yo u ca n no lon gcr work . 'YllInrny crust that forms 011 the bot- . for the destirute, bu r this is usuall y prerry .' rom: of die skillet. Add lhe lefi''avtr poo r qualiry. HI V ca re in San Francisco I br'lCed for rhe above inrerroga ri on as gravy, Worcestershirc s~u~c~ and sev

is a srri king excep ti on: eve n Ollr sr reel described above, bur it ncver happe ned . .' eralp[nds of pepper. Cook for an

I was never asked for derails, jusr a people ger wo rld-class clltting edge rrea t liquid is

other 5 rninlJ[(;s,' or upiil ment (w hi ch eve n the well-insured prob co nfi rm atio n of my diagnosis , and my : absorbed. · Portion tbe hash 'oino ab ly don't have access to bac k in th.. bene fils were rominely granred. pbres. Quickly -scrambl, or fry £:IV,! Midwesr or South ). Bur whar I hear p~r peison i n t~c same paj., for abo ut public-access HIV ca re III In ge neral, I think ir's appropriare to the :traditional ga(nish. and pla:ce 011 Chicago, or even New York City, terrifi~, dress down whe n going in fo r welfa re wp of rhe hash . Sctve wiuh huit~Ted me. agency appointmenrs. Black learhe r FOaSt or Engl'ish t\luffin:s, .and ~ strong "ACT-UP rype" jac kets al1d Illohawks 'COffee lightened \virh ,rearmil~. Gerrin g married ro ,1 symparheric friend see m 1O evo ke skep ricislll and defen sive will f~ed rWo'to' four parj~hs, depend of th e oppos ire ge nder who has good ness frolll socia l service workers. I found ing (in yoar appetites. The addition job- based health cove rage works pretty thar wea ring Illy sli ghrly older cl othes of beet, yields Rc;d Flannel Hash, full which are now roo large an d kind of we ll . Acrua ll y, if rhe Powe rs Th at B.. of old world charm. Bbn appetit! didn't disc riminare again st gays and Ie. hang on me--e nhanced rh ar all -facili bians reo marriage, I cou ld and should ra ring Dead Meat Special effecr.

GET FAT, don't diel

...Welfare, cont!d·from page 6

III

Jat lorn

per me

eggs

:fpi.,

Page 15

George Bush is a wanker

10, covered Ieg iri ma rel y by my part ne r's ""urance.

1'";IlIy, some di sab led people supple ''''' li r rh eil' bene firs by worki ng "unde r ,Ii" rable" for cas h. Officiall y, of course, ,Ii such e:1r nings should be reporred and ,\Iii be deducred fi'om your benefirs. Bur ' II,I II Y evade rhi s req uirement, poiming ,jill rhar as lo ng as norhing gers repo[[ed I.. yo ur Social Sec uriry number rhey It"ve no way ro find our. WIIAT TO 00 WITH YOUR TIME

yo u've q ui r yo ur job and arra nged ,.. , your month.l y li ving and hea lrh care , ' I'CIlses, whar shou ld you do wirh your ,,,,\V-free rime> , lil ce

III 'n y casc, I was already spendillg abour Ili itours a week jusr on healrh-relared is "" ,. Now I spe nd more rime lookin g 101 inreresring foods, cooki ng rhem, and , il ill g rh em. [ also read a lor mo re, and ,il c a whole lor mo re. Some people ger ," vllived ill pol irics or resea rch- ·be •'lining rhe ncwlY-l'radi rio nal "full-rim e ",ivisr". Or h c r~ devore rhcm se lves [0 I,'vivi ng rheir ~ex li ves. You could be '''"K rhe noro rious ediror of a rilbulou s ''"'' , or [he fab ul o us ediror of a norori 1111\

on e.

I I"ul ces are rh ere are a number of rhin gs tll.'11 you wi sh yo u had done , or fed rh ar " '" , ho uld have been doing all alo ng. I ... ah ead all d do rhem now, ar govern ",,'nl ex pense. if poss ible. D ro p US a ""'" an d ler US know how ir worked our. \, Ih e bo[[olll line. rh e vasr majoriry ..I peo ple. HIVcrs and or herwi se. ,,,,,,Id bc far bcner off qui rrin g rheir ".1" and redirecrin g rh eir li ves [0 more I"" onally mea ni ngful e nd cavQ[~. Bur I II Vns h,lve less rillle [0 wasrc rila n """" and ,1fre r physical ex hausrion. 01"" 's why so Ill any of us are becom ing \ ",nplcre Welfare Quee ns. As I lIsed [Q ' I' "hou r grad uare school: ir bea rs I",kin gfo r a li vingl -M.B.

Page 16

IN 1979. AT TH E -r.ENDER. AGE OJ' l7, [ began my sordid and neFarious path to hell by picking up a middle-aged man cruising dmvmown London, Ontario, Canad;, (population: 300K; halfwav between Detroit and Toronto) itl hb::';. He, of cOur~e, thought I was huStling. I just W3\lted sex. A Holiday . Inn WIIS the ultimare·destination of our ride. Ra;wr burn, room ~ervice, and · the reali7..ation that"nor everyone had rhe sanle destination in life. 1 wanted. to .rr)' everythiQg I· had read the year before in the Joy of Gay Sex (miracu lously on the sbelfatour nla iil public library). He.wasn·t anl),IOllS, but I made him fuck l)lC . J iiked it. I iikcd it a lot. Now, ' 19<>2: me, .Revill Bryson, 30, 5' 1o~ ,150 lbs.,btowri hair (what little .is not buzzed om, hazel eyes, CD4 COUllt: 40 with Olle boul of PCP- di riically' AlDS!Medicarions; ddC, Dapsone~'. Zovirax\~, with' an oc casional special treat of Ketoconawle·~ if a good boy. On AZT for 2Yi years before deciding it was lacking ' in both excitement andcuolness; Thc current ,obse~sions: escaping T6ronro, the d.ullsviUe ciry I now liw in; ma kin g and staring in [-nV pOrJ1-ulls,\f~, nasty sex for the DP Nario n; obtaining enough SeC(:maJ'" (0 aCI OUt Sharou Tate's dea th scene in "Valley of the DoUs"; HCIUY Rollins (cx~memhcr I)f Black Flag) of the RolHns Band-ulti mate stud from helt; . \Vigstock. N .Y.'c.; findirigan HIV hoy into tattoos, b U7"Z cu tS, b O()($, . rough sex, ~nd trouble who is · sea~ch - ; tog a buddy to llve out a final " living E~)d"/~Thelma and . Louise" rype . of exit from rhis.' earth. Regrer.$? Well. I guess 1 v.ish the term "demon' seed" had rc~na.im,.d I1Jm fictioiJ aleng with Linda Blair's heacl spinning and projectile vomiting, rather [han. \x!.coming a real life horror mov ie that's fucked up all of-our lives. But regrets? No. I still like getting fli cked. Live fas't •.die hard.. - Kevin Bryson

too

ror

1,/1 III/)

Imonruthlessly objectified Would you like to share in the embarrassment of riches? Then show us what you got!

Page 18

'K E'

,v' 路r N '

Porn Potatoe

1t l , I "l ll i Id.'

Ih.·1

ONG ROD OF JUSTIC

l i' !l

1"11

wI!, \ 11 .

"I' II,

lit, I"

~-.L"'"'~

~®®,

Ki8S 0jj t£, "1 992 by All WO lrd~, V1dclJ apcnpd '"lee e!ieSOtl l of firN.

om Pouro looks fi)rw:lrd ro rhe day when porno film s will be judged by rhe S,lIm: srall dards ;IS other movies. \yJe've ,til bce n weaned on fu ck films wirhour decenr aC ling, inrer esting plors , realisric dialogue, and high ]Hoducrion va lucs, so r1ur WC'I'C raken aback when a porn fli ck actuall y offers such goodies. Now, alrhou gh Porn Pora[O likes being [,Ikc n ahack ;IS much as rhe ncx r spud, it'll be a grear day whcn we expect porn filll1s to be good films all around. Kin Offis a srep in rhc righr direc rion; it's nor groL1ndbreaking, bur ir shows a gClwinc artempr ro have rh e characrers and plo r add ro rhe sex ual rension r;Hhcr rhan ger in rhe way.

The acrion srans wirh a chase se quence-jusr rh e kind of low-con renr scene rhar rhey run rhe o pening credirs over in real movies so rhar

Page 21

Ltrecomers [0 rh e thearre won'r miss anyrhing se ri o us. Rookie blond cop Axel CJ.rrcrr chases a drug I'unner in black high-lOps through a junkya rd , ulrimarei y co rnering him and an orher yo ung deakr in a ga rage-bur nor beFore posi ng For a rnomen t wirh his gun in fwnr o n his crorch, casting a sugges tivc shadow on rhe wall. Thi s ,Khi eve menr carns Rookie Boy poin rs wirh his boss, Lieurenanr Desk jockey, who gives him rhe hreak he's been wairing For: derecrive work. Our ht ro shows up [or his new assignment in srreer clorhes as requesred, but ev idcntly nor rh c kind of dlld s riur his new parmer Oerecrive Openshirr had in mind. Nor ro worry, rhou gh; Openshirr happens ro have jusr rhe ourfit hand y ill hi s dcsk drawer-ripped jeans (wouldn'r ya know, lhey fir Rookic Boy) and a whire rank rap. Openshirr makes small ralk while Rooki e changes hi s clmhes: you know, rhe rypical sruff rhar derec rives musr say ro one anorher, like "are you married )" and " hope you gar a big dick". Oh no, Porn Poraro groaned, ir's goi ng ro be a seduce rhe-eager-yo ung-employee scene ... bur no, ir's jusr Rookie Boy being

shown rhe ropes about wo rking on lhe vice squad. Hc's ll10ved on (() fighting serious crime. Thei r 11 rst gig rogerher is lO bu sr Fags ar a loca l tearoom. All Rookic has to do is wait fClI" guys to hit on him, bur he's c(lIlfused. Ir all seellls so com plicared- bur hei ng a dedicated officer, he gives ir rhc old college ny. Before lon g, a yo u ng man wea ri ng a baseball ca p comes in and, aFter rhe cusromary wairing and gb ncing pe riod , grahs Rookie's swee t (a nd nor ror:lily soft) dick ar the urin;]ls. (The b,lCkground music ar rhis point rc minded Porn Po raro of lvtisJion: fmpos.rible.) Rookie, on ed gt bUl keeping his coo l, signals his p,Hrner ro come in and make rh e arresr- hur evi l Openchcsr in sread walks around ro where he ca n wa rch rhe acrio n rhrough a graring.

dll Ii, I! " II ,

Hli l III

II I Ii

1> , 1

f \ II

~ l.

1\ ,

II" 'I I I

I1II Jl l!

1,,, 1 ,1 ,,1

I d II

1\ I, I ',

Rookie Boy is really bewildered now; hi s partner has flak ed, and Baseball Ca p wa nts to do him all rh e spar. All kinds of wheels arc rurning in his head (rhough you'd never know ir from rhe expression free Face) . H e ago nizes over rhe de cision For a mom enr or two , and makes rh e righr choice: he gers his rookie weenie sucked. Thar weenic,

I( II' II"

III 1I

1'11 1

II \\ d

1.1,

1 ill

1II ~ I

1 1; 1

•

by th e way, is a fin e sp eci men: sleek, ampl e, ge nuin ely hard -a nd squirts like n o to morrow. W hat 's more, Ihe te's a real sense of tea room lensio n and intrigue, makin g thi s Po rn Potaro 's Favorite scene in the whole m ovie.

Afte rwa rd s, wh ile Rookie is was hing lip, B,lseball Cap warns him that th e vice squad occasion ally stakes OLit lhe bathroom. Rookie is aJi ears especiall y wh en Cap te lls him th at l he cops call be bough t o ff More wh eels turn in Rook ie's head.

I t on ly takes one more sta keo ut fo r Rook ie ro c Hch on th at hi s partner routinel y gets bough t o ff, beat off, SLi c ked off~ an d marc. Openchest's modus operal/di is (0 fuck t he hottest ite ms he GIn find , and then bust them-unless th ey g rease his pa lm , as J[ wc re. Meanwhile, :IS Ene wo uld have it, Baseball C,. p Il as moved inro t he apa rrlllclH nex r to Rooki e Boy's, bur our he ro is roo sca red to acccpt his invi tati o n ro cOllle over and pl ay for now, an yway. Rooki e wou ld rat her Stay at hom c and do strange things wi th h is clothes ,lnd vid eo ca mera. Back at th e office, Li eu te n,llll Deskjockey has a hot assig nm ent for Rooki e and Ope nshirr: he wants them to pose as husrlers and infilrrate a high-class escon serv ice. Porn PO[aro h ad always wo nd e red what top-drawer call bo ys wea r ro wo rk , but now he knows: they wea r black C hippend a Ie-dan cer o u tfits. Our hero looks more than a litrle out of hi s elem en t, an d Pimp- ma n sm ells a rar. But w hat be tter way ro

re move a ny doubt dun wit h an a udition ? It's off ro a seclud ed spot in a li molI sine, w here Pimp- man has the two und e rco ve r co ps fu ck in th e bac k sear. A luc ky co in ross saves o ur hero from hav in g ro play bottom.

Kiss C?ffd istingui shes it selF by serring th e sex sequ enccs in suspense ful sir uations- Porn Po tato likes th ar. U nfortu nate ly, rhe film IS mar red by an awkw,lrd ending. The vice sq u;ld 's COITU ptlon ge ts to be too Illuc h fo r Rook ie Boy, so he qui ts. At th e sam e ti m e, hc St'1I"ts COIll ing to r<:rllls w ith hi s sex ualiry, a nd dates Baseball Ca p. It so unds nic e and w holeso me, but rh e dialogu e is woo den, and th e fin al sex scene- t he gay- pos iti ve co nclusio n to a ta lc of d ece it a nd tre'lChcly - stilil ooks li ke trad e. We never see Ro okie Boy rake a dick in his mouth or elsewhe re , not eve n durin g an id yllic o utdoo r romp w irh Baseball Ca p. It would also help if Roo kie we re Glpable of Illore th a n rwo diFre rc nt fa cial ex press io ns.

w hat tedious group sex sce ne.

But Axel Garrett

shows prom ise, and

I' orn r orato looks

forwa rd to seei ng

more of him in fu

ture roles-but see

if yo u ca n pLl t a lit

tl e more feeling

into J[ n ext tim e,

okay Roo kie Boy?

-P.P.

Kiss Off opened three of Porn Potato's five eyes. On th e plus sid e, the re's rea l te nsion and in t ri gue,ni ee m eat, a nd so me cum sho ts that are ac tually satisfying ro watch . On the minus side, so-so dial og ue, occa sio nal so und problems, and a so m e-

Axel Garret demonstrating one of two possible expressions.

Page 22

ES, MOTHER...

No MOTHER. ..

ANYTHING YOU SAY, MOTHER."

Duff's mother was on the phone in the marble bath room of her SU[(On Place pied-a-terre, throwing up. Duffy was lying in a hospital bed so mewhat farther down (Own, tJ)'ing (0 remain extremely ca lm. " I hope yo u feel better , Mother. I'll call yo u back in a little while." A small Filipina nurse with a moustache ap peared in the doorway car ryi ng a serving tray crowded with styrofoam co ntainers. "Break-fass," she singsonged, the two syllables spanning an oc tave. Duffy lifted the lid off the biggest dish, re vealing a curd-shaped glob of steami ng eggs and a few limp sa usages . "Ah , miss?" He was neve r quite sure now to ad dress th em. "My docror told m e nor ro eat any fats. He or dered a spec ial diet for me. It's noted in my chart. Do you think I cou ld exc ha nge this?" The nurse look ed from Duffy to the sausages and back again, suspiciously, as if she were linking rhem in the com plicity of some crime. She snatched the tray away and left the room, never to re rum. The phone rang. "Mothe r, you really don't hav e ro do this ... It's accually nor that se nous.... I know what Doctor Canard says, but he 's just a plas tic surgeon, not an AIDS specialist. . .1 just rhink rhat funeral arrangements mighr be a little premacure. " Another, slightl y different Filipino nurse was a t the door, brandishing a

Page 23

syringe. She was wearing a powder blue face mask and a bright yellow plastic s mock. "I have ro go now Mother, there's someo ne here ... I know ... I love you (00." The nurse was tearing open alco hol preps. "Time for your medica ti o n , Mr. Rodriguez. Pleased roll over." Duffy starred to oblige, then

by David Burns rea li zed the e rror. "Bur I'm nor Mr. Rodriguez. I'm Mr. Duffy." The nurse co mpared the chart at the foot of Duffy's bed wi th the or d er form in her hand. "But where is Mr. Rodriguez.?" she asked, scanning the 1'00111 as if he might be hidden somew here. She sto rmed out, it:<lV ing the door open. Ourside, in the hali , a man with an e;lstern European accelll was arguing loudl y with an African-American woman. A convoy of gigantic food service carrs was rolling by, squeak ing. Duffy pitched one of his slippers at rhe heavy door and it closed with a satisfyi ng click. It was quiet and he soon felt himself drifting.

fACE CAME INTO SOfT fOCUS

There had been no audible intrusion, jusl the tingly sensa tion that he was bei ng watched. Duffy sa t up, acci d enta ll y knocking the telephone off th e night tab le. It hir the floor, making a so und like a car accident. Duffy warched silently as Bruce, his ex, stooped to retrieve the phone and se t j t back in place, a n gling it so that ir was nicely offset by a far pile of paperbacks and a thin display of carnations. He wondered how long Bruce had beeJl rhere a nd why he had chosen to mak e an appearance. " H ello , Dovey." " Hello, Boo Boo. " Du ffy' s I. V., [he rele phone wire, and rhe tele visio n co rd had braided the m se lves <Hound one another like some fast grow in g jungle vine. He bega n trying to extricate him se lf, weaving over und under. "What time is it) How long have you been here)" "Just <1fre r cleve n. 1 hac/to come when hea rd. And] brought you thi s." Bruce was bouncing a bul g ing Balducci 's bag. He was looking a t Duffy wirh th e pathetic, indul ge nt ex pressio n usually re se rved for sick puppies or the super annuated. "] ca n' t re<1 1Iy... eat this stuff." [n side the bag was ,1 brioche, fro mage du c hcvrc, and so me assorted bon bons, all delightfully packaged and wrapped. Bruce shrugged and began peeli ng a n almond roca. "You're still on that horrible macrobioric dier, ] suppose," Bruce RIGHT UNDER THE CRUCfIX.

SOFT FOell\

IC FlX. There' II rtlSlon, J lIS( (!tar he was ~ ; Ir up , aCCI 't"lcph one off" li( rhe fl oor, t ;11' accidenr. lli y as Bruce, 'V I ' rh e pho ne .I( k in place, o Ih ar ir was h)' a far pile ks and a rhin f'll:trions. H e how lo ng heen rh ere: had chosen ·lJlpea rance . jovey. " .()() Boo.

.V., rh e relc

.Ind rhe rek Iml braid ed ,Iround one so me fa sr tglc vine. He: " In ex rrl ca re (Ind under. ow long have

iJIld ro come I)rou ghr you J,o unci ng a Ig. H e was Ihe pa rheric, usuall y re or rh e slIper-

I this sruff. " hri oche, fi·o tllIle asso rted iii)' packaged !trugged a nd IlCl roca. !tal ho rrible 'IH)se ," Bru cc

"Mr. Duffy ? Yo u' re sc heduled sighed , rhe choco lare sraining hi s ro rece ive a u ea rme nr. " lee rh rhe colo r of fresh shil. H e The orderlies we re fo llo wed by a sro od up abrupriy, began pac ing, nurse 's aide in a ha irn e( and gloves and ro ok in rh e roo m as if for rh e firsr rime. H e fin ge red rh e ge r well carrying a rr ay, w ho ann o unced ir BltfyMa~s was "Lun chrime!" Behind her was cards Duffy had on di splay, peek Semally Reptesled Pecan Pie a re chnician w ho had co me ro in g ar rhe inscriprio ns. I '-Nnc/} defJ! dish pit crust " Privare room . Nice view. Will draw blood a nd rh e head nurse ,3,J{g'

yo u be here lo ng' " who srrap ped a band aroLlnd J .·lIp SIIgilY .

Duffy had bee n over ir so many Duffy's arm and began pumpin g. J cUI' light com syrup

J trdspnon tlPlI ilia

rimes rh ar rhe whole speec h was al " Pur rhis und er YO llr lO ngu e," she o ("liP blltter . o rd e red, slippin g in a di sposabl e read y memo ri zed. H e wo uld em 11 cup ffmislU~rl chocolart chip;

rhermo merer. T he phone was bellish o r conrour ir sli ghrly jusr ro loptiondl

enre rtain himse lf. T he speec h rin ging. A jackhammer was no is cu.p; peellns

il y erodin g 19r h Srree t. A vo lun con ce rn ed feroc ious sromac h l1rehe.~t ov~n to .375 F. Thoroughl)' bt':it cramps and hi gh feve rs and rhe ad reer was waving so me bri ghrl y rhe eggs, rhen add t~e. S\lg-.r an.d corn . vice of his inre rni sr, Dr. Lobarro, colored e nvelopes ar hi 111. " Lors of syrup' and mix welL Stir in the, vanilla. ' fri end s," she was say ing. " Lors o f rhar he chec k in ro his friendly Put the bllrteraod ~hocola:te chips in a nuke-sat~ bOl'y'i and microwave it .on mai l. " Duffy closed hi s eyes , wish ne ighborhood eme rgency room. H1GH for ~b() u ra minute, 6r until , th e There was a brief summary of rh e ing ir wo uld all ju sr go away. butter h,l.S completely md tt-d. Tak~ it (lut man y gorhic res rs he had submir ands!ir 11001311 rhc solid bitS ofchocolarc TW ENT Y - FIVE MINUTES LAT E R red ro in co nfirmin g a diag nos is: have dissolved. Mix ~his in to the resr of the pie slime. and fold In the pecans. ' ac ure inflammari o n of rh e ga ll Duffy was sirring o n rh e bed hav Pou.c into the pie crust and bake for 40 to ' bladd e r, a no r un com m o n si d e ef in g a qui e r c ha r w irh Doeror 50 rnitiures, or tlIaii the pie has scr. Serve feer o f HI V infec rio n. Bruce wa s Lo barro. H e had inh a led a vial o f . with whipped cream . srill mov ing aro und rh e roo m , go aeroso lized Penram idin e wh ile sir rin g in sid e rhe o rd e rli es' ro lling ing in and o ur of focu s. "Jusr w har Robbie Mae's

is a ga ll bladd er'" he asked. Bur chambe r, whi ch remind ed him of Gnally ToluFlult Shake

befo re DlIffy could answe r, Bruce rhe iso lari o n boo rh on a game Here's :I ': high t:alorie tlIlt/high protein h,l d mo ved on ro orher rhi ngs. show . Th e rec hni cian had filled shake' rhatean b.e enjoyed bY' macroboyz "I was ar a parry o n Frid ay ni ghr fi ve glass rubes wit h dMk blood us .tnd lIl;iC rogir i?~ . .. a nd Sa nri ago ro ld me you were in g rhr ee diffe renr needl es, claim :J :1 o.Olll1cr pllcltagr ,-qft ('iiken) tofu

he re aga in. Ir's bee n so difficulr ing rh a r hi s vein s " ke pr closing 8 ounm ,f1pple or Itpple,bn-ryj uiu

lip." Hi s blood press u re and re m go ing our since I srarred T he rhOl/djit! blackb~rirs. rllSpbrrrit'S, or

pe ra rure had bee n fairly close ro Program and heari ng rh al. .. Well, . Sf{,dkss gmpe,; or tJne rip~ bill/atra

ir acru all y mad e me sli p a [irde. I norm al. Th e kirc he n had, once jam, milple syrup, or honey for (;'«(;11

, lpfnn tS! {optiot/illl,

woke up rh e nex r da y, jusr mi se r aga in , sc nr up rh e wro ng meal. able , and I kn ew- I kn ew if I There was a card fro m Au nr Poll y Drop ever)'thing into rhe Iilcnd~r alld and a lon g, weepy lerre r fro m a came, yo u wo uld und ersra nd . I re hlend, blend; blend. E njoymcnr of this college friend he had n' r see n since ally need your suPPOrt , Dove." . <ll1lbr~i3 derc.neil- el1lircly on .the tofu .' )'flU u",~, ~nd d ilfer~ru bmud~ 1.<\11 have , Warning signa ls were go ing o ff g raduari o n. Bru ce had excu sed " widdy "\I~ing tasll':j and rClCtlm:,s. Try in all direc rio ns a nd Duffy was himself ro go smoke and , as ye r, M 6ri~NlI . brdnd in rho: red and blue had no r reap pea red. Vicious preparing himself for so me Major as,-,pdc boll. Donir use the kind rhauits Drama. The do o r o pe ned a nd a . in an open bucket of warer ~(t.he gt\X:el; Mario had ca lled wirh rh e sad it will 'come ou t crumbly instead of pair of masked o rd erlies backed in , " 11\)(lIh. and who knows who touched draggi ng a cumberso me appararus Continues on the next page. it hdllre you gOt there. rhe size o f a refri ge raro r.

GET FAT, don't diet

Page 24

GET FAT, d'on'l diet

ShBttle Mae's

6re(!n ileanCasserole

2 pdckagn frozelJ green heafIJ

1 elln cUilm ofmflShtoom toup

1 alii Fr"'II:h .tn~d oniol/ ring'

Il'abl8p(JDn Ql'egll,!

Preheat o ~<!n to 350 Q F.· Cook rhe green b('ans according td mt' package directions: Diaib, and mix in me condensed mush~ room SOqj), oregano. and-balf of the' onion rings. ,' Pur in c.l.<;scwl, .nd bake fur 15 miillHcs; Sprinkle remaining onions on top, and bake f(" another 5 minutcs, Idc:tl for those 1000t minute porlucks. '

" 'Iffy Mae's , ImplISSlble Leftoller Qu/de

,2 10 3 mpi o/ltftovm'

19- ill~h dup dish pie cmst

j ,cuPs .<hTfdtkd SlI'i.<s cheese

2 mp"' heavy ("l!lll"':

2 eggyulks

d",h oj",mneg

reshgl'oulIdpf:pper POff/'kll . 0

Prehear oven tQ 350 F. 'Olc 'i4eahere is take all of those nasry food scraps re~ . main.ing ffom laM lughc's poker pany anc! If.a llsform ,hem imo the J>CIfCCI brunch centerpiece tilT ' the AJlIlua l: Palo Alto · Blue-Hairs Lawn l~owli ng. COtillion. Almost any cooked vegetable or lllear will do. iust pi~k out any cigarelCc burts" grind 'ir rcal fin e, and li ne the r i ~ crust with it. ,( ~ifly Mac strongly urges you ro use fr(l1~n pte r.amy. which is rhc:pinnad e " I' We-tern dvili'lation. And dl)n't fo rs,·tto let the cruSt thaw and roprick il' wirh ~ fork.! Sp ~inklc: dle Swiss cheese over rhe ground ~lop'. Thuroughly mix tll(' cream ,t o

ilnd egg YOlks, and add (he dash ot' nut meg "'lld ground p~p p« to wte. Pour over d,c cOll tenl'lI' of the pie crusr, ·,uid sprinkle!' t he cop with paprika_ Bake fo r. 3bout 30 minutC$', ot until the quiche ba. 6(,'1 and rhe top i.~ nicelY browned. Serve hot or ~:old. BillY M.ae is pill·ticularly fond of corn, or spinach ' n' 'S1I,lsag(' as ' . starring ingr,editllCli.

Page 25

.. .GALL,. c,ontinued news rh a r Pe rer had sli pped inro a "walkin g" co ma. Then D ocro r Lob a r[Q had b low n in-wearing, as usua l, a n invi sible a nrebellum ballgow n over hi s OR blues. " jr loo ks a lirrle iffY," Lobar[Q p ro ffered , apo loge ri ca ll y, ba rrin g his long las hes, " bur keep yo ur chin up an d look on rh e bri g hr side." Lobarro 's mos r valua ble as set was his forked [Q ng ue; he used ir [Q descri be bo th devasra tion a nd gro undl ess h ope w i th rh e same pe pperminr-scenred brearh . "Gall bladde r pro ble ms are comm o n with HjV infec rion, bur it's h a rd [Q iso la re th e pro blem or veri fy th e o th e r o rgans infec ted. Yo u have seve ral c ho ices: number o ne, a la paroscopy , in vo lves the inse r tio n of a s ma ll rub e in yo ur ab dom en, thro ugh whi ch air IS pumped . W he n yo u' re good and full we go in a nd loo k a ro und . T wo wo uld be th e simpl e rem oval o f your ga ll bladde r-you ca ll live without it." A woman in th e next room sc reamed as if she were dy ing o r givin g birth . "And three ? What is three'" D octo r LobattO twirled h is pen in his mouth as if it we re the s te m o f a rose. "T hree, three, wa it and see. W hat we've been d o in g. Rest, res t, res t. No ne of th ose nau g hty fa ts. And a nribi o ri cs until yo u bloat." DuffY was srill tryin g [0 imagin e w har ir would feel like to have someone blow ing ai r intO his sto m ach rhrou g h a tube as if h e were a Ra t ti re . DoctOr LobattO 's tO ne becam e girli shl y conspiraro rial. " Bu t I ca n' t recommend

number three lega ll y or m edi call y. Surgery wants to Cut yo u o pm rig ht away so that th ey're nor Ii· ab le. In case it's so m e thing m OlT se rio us. " DuffY had already made th e ob vio us c ho ice. H is fe ve r and pain were d ow n; the Ba c trim was drip pin g into his a rm; he didn ' r feel li ke he was going to die , a t leas\ n o r this wee k . "I' d like to wa it. Let's see how I fee l tO mo rro w. " "Tom o rrow, to morr ow.,," Lobarto tossed hi s ste th osco pe ove r o ne sho uld e r li ke a mink stOic and di sa ppea red in a puff o f ex ple tiv es. His voice trilled away d ow n th e hall like a flo ck of song birds mi g rarin g sourh. D u ffY tried to imag ine a gall b ladd e r: irs position, shape , rex rure, ,lnd co lor. What did ir d o? H ow co uld he li ve w ithout it' W hy was it rebelling agains t him whe n he had m ad e sLic h an effo rt to rreat hi s bod y wi th love ,)nd re spec t? H e knew that it had to do with pro cess ill g fats a nd that galJ s to nes we re fo rmed when so me thin g c rymdlized a nd rhat th ey we re ex tre mely painful. H e knew th a t th e ga ll bl ad der was in vo lved , so mehow, in th e production of hi Ie, w hi c h, in symbo li c te rms, wa~ assoc ia ted w ith a nge r. H e also knew that h e was feel in g wea k, drai n ed by fe ve rs, the throb bin g in his g ut, th e parade of doctO rs, surgeo ns, inrerns, resi d ents, a nd c LirioLi s onloo kers who had bee n pass ing by his bed, pok ing him w he re it hurt th e most. They h ad wa nred him to kno w his pa m. H e s tOod and stre rc hed , ca reful to kee p hi s ar m below the level of'

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rh e han gi ng bag, of fluid , E;lsi ng him self away From the hcd, he hellt Ierr a nd righr, a rOl;nd and ha c k, Th e fibers and ve,'sels th a t had bee n sleeping awoke and sur ged wit h f'res ll vigo,', I t k it good to Illove a linie , to he in hi s ho d y, Th c door openl'll .lg;lin . h;ln1:!. in 1:!. him h.HJ in rh e c lhow, " H l' lI o' Is .1 n yon e in there )" It W;IS ;1 pri est. Thi s W.1S .1 The pri est C rrho lic hosp ital. smiled :1 LUg,,, eill pt y politici ;ln ', smile- ;llld , gl's fllrint', [ow;lrd [h e hl·d, s;lid . ",'i it dow n, SOil , And let 's t"lk .1h o ut vo ur sou l. " THE

PHONE

RA NG

ACA I N

v;lgUl' ;lcl]II:lintanCl', th e ('ri "1ll1 01' sOllll'onl''..; love r, Dun), 1;llInch n l into e llthu si;lst il' g"hb in g , hOfling th .H it would di' co llr;lgc th ,' so li c itou s I't'vne lld , Th t')' kId htTn con versin g t]lli ct ly (II' so III l' tim c, till' pri l'st lohhi ng 'lut'1in dnigl lcd to tes t l )uffy's s li sce p tihi Ii ty 10,;11 v;1[ion ; DuH)'- :1 conlirl11 cd ;Ig 11O,Q ie--ddln:ring, Ih c,' l' vo lie ys w ith politt' hilt (i rl11 1'l' tUrll S, Wh e n the p ricst (in ;l l1 )' C:1Pltll b t nl. I) II C II t t hc <';111 "1 111 i d se n tenCl', " I~ ye now , I'vl' got [() go, " II was to o LHe to co ntin lle str e tching, H c had a p ile or boo b wh ie h we re e ith er [()o inte ll ect ua l o r b rnc'n ly ch e;lp , wit h I'ai, ed, tner;llJi c ririe" ;1Ild die-cut cove rs, Th e TV re l110te W,l S aro und here so m cw here, O n C h;1J1n c l 2 W;l.' the ama/,in g sto r), of the midwestern lad who had both Mm s ripped o ff b)' ,I piece of Far m equipm e nt, Oprah was g rillin g a reForme d c h ild 1ll0 le, ter, Prev iews of a resc ue s how ,I

nil

w ith ruin ed hodies be in g ca rricd int o a triage, Th e e nd of all acr ion film: rhree exp loding helicopter" A 11linuIl'-b y- minut e recap of the ,Idlrc )' 1);1hill e r t ri ;d , E xce rp rs f'rol1l Bu s h 's S t.llC o f' th l' Unioll

GET FAT, don't dieI Mysterious Cheese ' , ,and Nut Lo~f ' ,

~HJdress,

Th ere W,l" ;1 k no ck 'llHl0lll1ci ng a till)" roulld fi g ur e ill s llrgi ca l Ct'I'Ule,lll, tic co uld SCl' rwo h;lpP ), C') 't" twillkling het wee n th e 1l1:1.,k ;1I1d hOllnet- th e rC>f was cove red , The h llll' Sllll1l'r was drag!!,in g a tr:lll 'port ,' trnc he r, "Th e 0 1'lT;H in!; mO Ill is w, litill g," it d ee LHcd, Dun), W.1.' r.lkcll ;lh.ICk , " hll 1l1 l' ? " "YOIl tl l ,(' ex pcnillg s llrger)'? \'ill' h;ll'l' YOII schc,dLlkd "() I ~I l'OIOSIOf1l'l' t()lllY, " " 1~1I 1 111 )' donor ju s, IJ t hnl' ;111 hOllr ;lgO, \Vc' a[',rccd th ;\[ we werc gOlll g to W;lI[' He s;lid lh ;11

S ll q.~l' [' y 111;1 )' n Ol

1l ~' Cl' ~S; lI" Y.·\

" CO llll' now, J\I1r, l)u Ff)" f h;ll'c Ill \' ordn right ht'rL'. II \ vc r)' CO ll1 lllOll for paticnt s to have co ld kcr, I ~ ut ill JIIS! ;1 mi nut e, yo u won ' t hc keling;\ thing," Thl' or tlnl;' IIIlllOok n l both .sidl's of 1)11 His hed, I' ~l ddcd hhri c was hlu s hing ag;l im t hi s hare s kin, "No, rClll y, /' 111 no t go in g w ith you, You sholiid t'l lk to my do c tor , H e's in cha rge, ri g hr '" " M r, Duff)l, 'He yo u being d iFfic ult?" "No, J jll st- " "S ha ll f tell th e surgcon yo u re fused ," "Can YO ll a t ka, t c h eck Illy Ch;lrt, 0 1 ' - "

" Mr, Duff)' .. ," Th e dark eyes see m ed [() be

Continues on the next page.

2 fttbieJjJ()(Jl?J hutter or aU . j m"dit' /II ol1io1l; diud, '

'l ,1}oJiprd Inm/;mo/1'-s

2 dour>' flfldin wi llet t!

J "mail gI-c(n bell pepper, rluJpped '

tfl4POfJIl M eh ilrk d

thyme,..r,wfilY, tlnd

JlltlJ]01I1 1Ji

v· If~P~flII d)'ied SI lt,' ,!alt tflldji,t;hly grrJll/llf P'I'!'{'/' } I~ l'IIl" ('(,,,ked browli rice

!/J. ,'III" /Nt/1IIm, grOlllul olj iuel),

,h"pprd ,

J4 ClIp ({/)J<,W5. grQ1f'/d ol'jim'9' d lOpJlfd

'1 ((1n,i ,'1

I cUI' lottilgt' (heesr. 02 p~ltild grl/fcd d"'p,,q..' o(YOtfr

dJoir.. (rfJe"d/lr, '(;ruyae, /lI1fifld mlliketl

(lItd

dOli', i ,rgrl t/le p(,mINI/I!)

II, mp mlxed/ 'reslt hn'b, ,'IIch (IS ptlnl,

IJrl'/(lUw, thyme

Preheat oven (0,1;1)" F. I kat

bunc.r or ,oil

in:1 ~ki l !..::I , :·md Scllltc the t:Hliol1:> ll nlil th ,-=v.

iU;1 tllrn 'translucent. ' Add ,th~ llIU$h' roem.", garlic, b&p~pp(:r, driecl herb" "lit and :1'''1'1'0(' 1.0 l,aSle !hold [';tck ,In the sodiUll', as tlk 1,tit in the r:heeses wi ll lll ~mifL"'l itself bterJ , ;lIld 'cook \ln ri l (he I?df pepper is ",flo Mix th t woke.! vrg ctab l ~s ;tnd .,U I'he: renrni'\ing ingredients In , large bowl. Line the bottom ;lIld' sides .of 3 9-in.:h In;,J pan wir:.h two crossed rca

,an,[des " f ~"king P;lI'(:hI11cnt 0(' ~oi l , k::1Villl$ ubout r:hrec incht:... . I. lVe-r h ~.. nging frani (:,;,11:1-1 side, LberaJly burrer t(, ~ lined P3jl, ,inc

ciudin!! ,he <:I)(h, Fill thf pan wi,h 'the :ind' n UI rnixni re, amI'. rap sharpl,Y on rhl' ~ounr"' a couple 61' rimes to 'dis lod ge, aoy 'air bubbles, "WI! rhen ~moot.h '(he top wjd, a SP'llula', Fold the over

l,heese

'har\ging paper over the tOp, B:akc ,f()t , abour one hour, or unril I1m1 tt,), the touch, Cool Oil ,a "ick fo r 5-to ;ninllces;pullthe paper back, and rUTn onto' a wrvil'lli plar fer: Evcn Y04r c.Qrni vo.rnu~ fri\.·nds \\~Ofl' r

be di'''ppoinrcd by ,this leapeJi delicacy, Garnish \virh ,nr:lrinara ' sauce, bc rnaj~<, ~auce, .s(Jl~r ~rc.Ull, or mango churn ey.

Page 26

~---~..--

....GAU~ con1inued H8rd~Heartell Hannah's

Pecan Bultl1rcroDfJh

16 cup buttt'J'

114 cupsgrnlJllJiI ct'a~k~r crumbs

1 01 cups shredded coconut

I .cup u mtsw¥:{!t chaco/die morse4

1 CIJp mmersc{}/eh mfJ[seis .

1 15 -01l.7Ice am 'SlIJeetened

condtnstd milk

2eupspecaf/ !;alves

.PI'cheat yotuoven to 350 0 .F ~ Line

· the bottom and sides ofa 9><: 13><2

inch baking pan with aluminum

· foil. Try nor (0 tear the foil. Heat.

the butter in the pan until it mel rs, and then til t the pan so the butter Coats the pan on the ·bonom and

halfway uP .die sideS. · Spr~nkle ibe~e ingreJ ients in even layers in the following order: graham cracker cmrnbs, CQCdl1Ut; dlOcO la,re mo rsels, 11l1d th en the buncr scorch morsels.. Pour th~ sweetened condensl:d milk dyer. the tOp, and cover with rh.c pecan hah<es. Bake . fo r abo llt IU minutes.. When

heatetl throughout, press gen tly OTI the nuts wi~h a Illetal spatula to embed [hem in the mixru r.e. Bake : for an additional 30 mjtl ure5,

· or until the c:;on.densed · mil:k that shows between the nuts is · a fl~ht gold.:n color,. Remove frQJu Qven. Cool. • Put a ,. > tho '. cookie sh~et all roJl and Hlp over.

Take off the pao" and peel off the fo~.Put a "sti.{Viog platter (In

tOPf1119 lffip

i~ rig}\[ side up.

(.,et sta.{1d ~ove(o·jght or for tWO

hourS in" the r~Frjgeratorb~fu.re cutting lotopiecC$' wit.h a sharp knife. Put); Rice Crispy [teats to

sbam.e, Page 21

brimming. There was th e acid ic ru s tle of blue limbs in moti o n , th e s tari c generared by m a n -m ade Ebers. The orderly backed away, h ead bowed, into the shad ows. Duffy pitched his other slippe r ar the door , sco rin g a reso nati ng slam. The phone rang, annou n c ing a new round. Duffy's mother was o n rh e cordless at B. G. Rasm usse n 's Sherry-Netherland aer ie. Duffy h eard the melodic clink of fine china in the background: tea was be ing served. Duffy 's m ot he r was more subdued now, weeping ge n tly. He heard reass urin g c hirps and clucks and knew t h at sh e was surrounded by a small fl ock of d o tin g hens. T hese ladi es we re charming ar tea ; lat er, o ve r cock rails, they would b e throw in g things. "I know how hard thi s is fo r you, MotheL The re '$ n o n eed for you to blame yourself. .. Ir rea lly could be a lot worse." Duffy realized th a t h e h ad sa id the w rong thin g as hi s mother's e motions sudd e nl y rurn ed shrilL H e could hear Mrs . Rasmussen in the background ca llin g for bra nd y. Then the line we nt d ead .

WAS

NOW

QUITE

DARK.

Duffy sat in the sile nce for seve ral minutes, focusin g on his brea th. He knew that stress, tens io n , and anxiety were, for him , d ea dly poi sons. It was strange th a r mosr peo ple seemed to th rive on these things, as if th ey we re m a nn a. He barel y n o ti ced th e nurse w ho brought in the dinn e r tray

(boiled beans, a puree o f beef, and a fanc y fruit cockta il) or th" pimply re sident wh o asked hilll to cough, rhen went away, frowll mg. He was quit e nu m b w h ell Bruce returned, wearin g a differenl audit, but with th e sa me shit ea ting grm. "Sorry I had to leave b efo re, ir\ ju st thar this pla ce is so s t ressfuL You kno w hosptials are n ' t m y thing," Bruce looked f ro m Duff)' to his dinn e r a nd back aga in. " You look so thin-a re n ' t YOli eal ing anything> " H e was wea rin)', one of Duffy's o ld shi rrs, w ith th" sleeves cut off Hi s hair was per fectly sculpted, a ge ntl e tsunami that crested and fell over hi s ri ghl temple. Duffy d elec tcd th e Lin mistakable bouq lIet of Ego istc, sickening him as it bl e nd ed witll the fume s of steam in g b ee f. " Goin g oLlr? " " Latcr on. Dinne r at M a lya nnc\ with Joe a nd Jose ph , then Splas h and-who know s?" Bruce wa, tw irling the s ilv e r c h a in tha t he wore, makin g it sh o rr e r and shorter. "H e re's th e thin g, D ove. I need strength ri g h t n ow more than ever. Eve ry tim e I rurll around there 's a n ew tempta tion. At lunch, marrinis jump off passin!" trays into my lap. At dinner, I gCI ph ys icall y ill watching eve ryo nt' e lse enjoying th e ir m agar iras . And when I go out at ni g ht I pick up half-finished b ee rs th a t hav e becn left on the bar. O th e r p eo plc \ backwash! That 's d es pe ra tion!" "Sounds ... diffi cu lr. " "I know I n eed h e lp. Tlj(' Program says th at ir's a ll about for giveness. Fo rgiving yoursell Being forgiv en. Easy does it. Ollt day at a tim e ."

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T he silve r cha in was curring inro Bruce's neck and fi nge rs, H e rel eased ir, making a riny rink le, Th t' sma ll cross ir ca rri ed spun aro und madl y, flashing li ght in all direc rion s, "Tha r's why [ came he l'e in rhe lirsr pl ace ," Bru ce co nrinues , " \Y/c k1d a bad rime brea kin g up and we borh beh aved less [han per recd y. I'm rired of rhe shade, rhe ,oldness . [ wanr yo u ro know some thin g, Duffy, [have to rell you rhis so rh a t I can be free ," I)u ffy w,l[chcd <1 sma ll , wcr c rysta I Illoving fr o m Bru ce's chee kb o ne towa rds his j'lW , T here was swea l <o llccr ing ill Ih e ho ll ow o f hi s Il eck, His c;yc:s were purly ami full. l\ru ce IC1 1led down close w D uffy's hce and said: "I forg ive yo u," The nex t rhi ng was a b lur o f whi rl' nu rses go in g in and o ut. surro undi ng h is bed wirh rh e :11' , tillery o f rh eir protess ion- urin :lis, Irays, bedpan s- and c harrn in g among them selves in ,1 language he had nevn hect rd be Fore, Th e ph o lle was rin gin g, In rh e nex t ro om, l11uffled vo ices we re rai sed in co nflict. He felr rhe sli ppl'ly Ou id go in g drip .. drip-drip inro h is ve in,; 'lnd nori ced rhat ourside rh e wind ow ir had begtl n ro snow , soaked Jnd al o ne, He real ized rh,\[ h is feve r had spiked aga in , H e pressed rhe (,1 11 burro n, hoping rhar rhe nurse would bring him so me ice packs. Long minures passed and he was sti ll alon e, He was co unrin g eac h dee p inh'llati ol1 , pull ing th e air do wn inro his gur, He no riced I har his hands were rrembl ing, H e rang aga in. L AT ER liE WOKE UP,

Som e rime lare r he bega n see ing red flas hes . H e co uld j usr ma ke our rhe shape of his slip pers in the shado ws behind rhe doo r, H e pulled him se lf up right, pu r them on, and sar on rhe edge o f rhe bed, W he n rhe red fl as hes rurn ed into hl'eworks, Duffy knew rha c he had had enough H is a nge l' was li ke rocker fLtel-i r pl'o pell ed him forward inro the bri gh t ha ll way, dragging his I V pole by irs plas ri c Jeas h, Ro ws of si le nt doo rs st rerched away fo rever, Ir was ha rd ro believe rh a r bellind each o ne of rh em so meo ne was sufft' r ln g, OLl ffy was Slill alone, H e no ticed his bl ood wa s backin g up inro rhe IV tube: a beaurifu l SC:I 1' ler bracel er. H e was 11LJ nched OVC I wirh the pa il1 in hi s gu r a nd hi s he:ld was jusr aboul to ri p ope n, Ir sr:Hred in his spin t:, ri sin g, the n shooting ou r rhe lOp or his skull. "W har is rhi s SH IV" D uffy sc rea mcd, alrhou gh no one was rhere , "Wh ', Te a rc yo u wh en 1 need yo u? Do es n ' t anyone C:lr (, rh a r f'fll in pain ) ;\re th ere any human bein gs he l'c) b ,hi s ro r run: ) Am 1 il1li si blc) Am J in sa m )" /\ di se lIl hodied vo ice from insid e a da rk doorway told him ro shll r up . " \,\,hy sho uld I shur up ) Why sho uld I sr:lY ca lm ) Why should l be for f ive n) I'm rill' one who's sick l And ['01 angry! ANG RYI " There was a sudd en sro rln of limbs and fa ces rh al butS[ all aro und him-vo ices fi ll ed wirh horror and co nrempr rhar rhu n dered and cras hed and rhe feeling rhar he was being swc pr away by a rag ing currenr, fas t, but .ro whe re he didn ' r know, ~

TechnoNausea

Old you know thet your 'biggest .sexual organ Is YOUf brain? And !f

thai's

true, then it would stand reasoll that a compiJter shot/ld be · . your mpst important sex toy Not ' , only ' ddes' computer ' haCking ,impro.ve t/1e,complexion, sweeten the/Jteath; and quie ,baldriess; it makes stunning publications like ' this possible." rhatjs right, 'if we ,werf! ' fdrced toinake galleys the traditional way our bubble-butt. surfbo'y-cum-Iayout slaves, their , paisied grip weakened by adoles ,cences filied witlUoo much sriiffing of airplane glue,' would be slicing heir finge rs with X-(Jcto bla,des and bleeding' all over the format. ' ' thus creating a, potential sera Ilazard for our readership, We can 't have that, now can we? ' So, with your healtll in mind, our text was , composed il1 Microsoft Word. drawings (incluclinO Captain Condorri) were rendered in Adobe Illustrator, , and halftones were edited , in ', 'Adobe Photoshop ' Origina! photographS were shpton ' 35mm and 120 film; prints Were : scanned on a Microtek 300 flatbed, sea/mer, Finai assembly was Mne: in a page layout program triJ/n unnamed company (aile:of whose founders is said to have treated early employees to 'l7ightsat an , infamous Denverbathhousej Which , deems iJPN unwQrthy of charitable " don~tioris" fina l output was,'to a Linotronic 300 and '.330 at rIJOlpi over 127() dpi. Weed a hdmo ~: friendly printer? Call LaserForm at' 415) 366-71 80.

Page 28

ow GO A Memoirs ofa Working Boy, Part VII by Scott O'Hara h is o ne's diffetent. This is how I d efinitely d id notget AIDS. I met Bob C h es ley at the Los Ange les premier of jer/~er, an d was in sta ntly in awe of him. An yo ne who call come up with th a t so rt of intense Fanrasy, who can kee p a n audien ce h ard in th eir pants For 90 minutes without ever showing dick, has a mind to be reckon ed with. My tale nts im pt essed him , lOO , so we hit ir oFf pretty well. I saw him ofte n after that , soc ia ll y: a r his place or mine (twO bl oc ks apart) or in th e Casrro actu all y, we showed up a r many of th e sa me so rtS o Ffu nctions. I \'I,lS still per formin g at th e Campus then , so my eve nings were Fairl y chaoti c, but I sti ll man aged ro ta ke in my bite of culture. One aFte rnoo n, he' d in vi ted me ove r to hi s apa rrm e nr-anyo ne w ho was ev er th ere rem embe rs it vividl y: th e bird 's-eye view of rhe best pans of Buena Vi sta Park- ro tak e some pha ros. In ti ghts, natu ra lly (his primo feti sh) . We had a great time , and th e ph aros, when I saw th em, were eyc poppers: J'd ow ned tigh rs for years, bur had neve t realized what I looked like in them , or th e inh erenr po ss ibi l iries. H o t-di ggiryl But after we we re fini shed, a nd relaxi ng with a cu p of co Ffee, we ga r into rhe d epths of his fascinati o n with the im age, patticu

Page 29

lad y, w ith ca n oo n characrers. N ow, I g tew up w ithout televi sio n , so I ca n o nl y speculate about wh at it's like for a gayboy of si x o r sever1 ro warch tights-clad ~uperhero es jumping around the TV screen. Bob des cribed it all roo clearly For me, thougb. Again, hc had th e kna ck for cre,lti ng ,1 f31H;lSY from scralch and ill se rting it into yo ur libido fully-fOrmed. l3y rhe tim e he go t o ut hi s c ustom-ma ck Superm ;ln COS lume to show m e, I was all worked up . I asked him , wilh a stra nge SO rt of hun ger, iF I could bor row it for ,1 Few days. H e agreed ; j ru shed home w ith it, .1nd pro mptl y pu t it o n , bega n posi ng in fl 'o m 01- rhe mirro r Jnd I~gurin g our how to jerk ofF in and out 01' it. .. a nd r go t a sud den urge to ca ll him and let him kn ow how go od ir fe lt. Once aga in , p hon e sex IS not my thi ng. Emphati ca lly . Phones make me nervous; ta lkin g abo ut sex in gr'1p hi c terms embarra sses m e. With Bob, tho ugh, anything was poss ibl e: he was, after all, the man who d efined ph o ne sex FOI" th e stage. We had a brief, mind b low ing t ri p , both of us cam e, a nd I told him to be at rh e Campu s nex t eve ning for th e 10 o' clock show. Yea h , I did it. Starred out as Clark Kent, to a tap e of the Superman

th e m e, fo ll owed by cties o f di s!!(" '.. at w hich poinr C.K. looked ato ll"d Fo und a "p hon e bo ot h " a nd rorc "II hi s suit, a nd rh e res r is pretty pI< d icta ble. Th e audience ate it " I' rh ey always liked wat chin g ac ts dl.ll co u ld b e rationa lized .1S Art , rad" I than JUSt JaekofF S hows. And I Found it un expected ly sexy , je rki lil'. ofT w hile still w ea rin g tig hts. TI" J11 .111age melll d e lllll rred , th o ugh not vigorous ly, I had w rit bland" around there ; but th ey rh o ug ht ril.<l perf(lr rners shoul d srrip till rh e wa)' . Always. Okay, it was n ' t wo rth mal< in g a fu ss ovet , and I'd had my FUll. j still think it was one of the be.' 1 shows I ever did. It impresse d Bo\. laO, I guess; two lllonrh s la te r, Ill" prese nted me with rh e sc ript of hi, latest pby. in whi ch th ere was vo il a- th e c haracter S kip ("as ill Sk ip ro th e good pa rts," he exp lained to me). d oi ng a sh ow very lik e mint'. T he pla y is ca lled Corne Again, a nd of co urse no res pectable theate r will rollch it.

Okay, no un saFe sex in thi s epi so de. No Hollyvvood ba c ksta ge wh ee lin g 'n'dealing. JUSt som e brilliant soft core phoros, a di rty ph o n e call , " jac k ofFshow in tights, and a fuckill).: litera ty eve nt (u n ptodu cea bJe). So m e of m y fond es r me m O[J(:s. Thanks, Robe tt.

NOT ONL Y DID/HAVE 路 TO SUFFER COUNTLESS INDIGNITIES, NOW I'VE GOT A SELF-STYLED MANAGER ON MY BACK ALL OF THET/ME.

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THERE'S BEEN ASOME

KINDOF PEOPLE'S REBELLION

IN MALA YSIA, AND OUR BEST

RUBBER PLANTA nONS HAPPEN

TO BE SMACK IN THE MIDDLE

OF THA TMESS

Page 35

TO BE CONTINUED.

Page 36

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Fan Club r:Jesign teatuies 117 his classic slanee. and black on while.. o:JU/II.tU'Ldf ye or E;dra:Large, each. KISS ME,.I'm a diseased pariah! Feeling awkward ' aboullelJing Ihe boyYOI) just brought home aboul your seroslatus? Le(YOl)f T路sllirt do Ihe talking loryouI' (And he wil! have no choice bullo complimenl you on your line taste in clothing and litera路 lure) Black and led on while Large or Exira-Large $12.00 each.

II I. '1. 11.

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Tilis tOISO belongs 10 your Humpy Editor. {He 's sillgle J

Page 37

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,I, I I.

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DPN buttons, lealuring the lovable I1ncomouse Black, red, and while. Atso 6 vailable. "Porn Potato Likes Thai," 'Porn Doesn't Like ThaI." and "GET FAT. die/" in black and while. 2-1/4 inches diameler. $1 ,00 each,

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.' P. O. 'Box 30564, Oakland, CA Q4604

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