Jokes

102

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Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' ’Well, ' he explained, 'The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. ' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' ‘Well, ' he whispered,

'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. ' ------------------------------------------------------------I was standing at the urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a wee. I kept noticing that he was constantly winking at me. Disturbed by this, I asked “Are you gay or something cause you keep winking at at me?” He replied “No! You are splashing in my eyes!!!!” ------------------------------------------------------------I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. But then it hit me! ------------------------------------------------------------I just went into a shop and asked, “Do you take cards?” He said “No problem, what card do you have?” I replied “6 of spades!” ------------------------------------------------------------The blond wife called her husband, “Honey the car won’t drive!” He replied, “How many times have I told you, you have to sit on the other side!” ------------------------------------------------------------Congatulations Tu Yuyu on winning the Nobel prize in medicine. Also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to! ------------------------------------------------------------I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing. "Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd. "Your thong, " I replied with a wink. Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me. It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

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Jokes ha ha

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running ´ . The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.. ' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running. ' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black. ' ------------------------------------------------------------The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!” She looked at the men in the room, “And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt for you to go walking with her. ” The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?” asked the teacher. “I was just wondering, is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?” ------------------------------------------------------------A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the 1st class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit at the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here. " The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy, and she won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde gives the same reply. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde" . He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry, " and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her, 1st class isn't going to Toronto. ”