Jokes

102

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day...... and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. 'The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded... 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'!! ------------------------------------------------------——- A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with women squatters. ------------------------------------------------------——- After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is in January, and the second time is in August” ————————————————————- A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The viced up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said "Nope ....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!" ----------------------------------------------------——— A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but first, let me ask you a question... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' 'Hmmm, I have no idea...' replies the stranger. To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?

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A man walks into a restaurant with a fully grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the bill. "That will be 9.40€ please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 39.60€." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million euros or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.." ------------------------------------------------------——- A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours’. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some Stock options? Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'