7 minute read
Jokes
102
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunchtime, she said 'Sorry about the wait’ I said 'Don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'. * * * * * * * * * *
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, he found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me? A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!' * * * * * * * * * *
An old man walks into jewellers with a gorgeous blonde and asks for a special ring for the lady. The jeweller says "Here's one £5,000." The old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls one out £65,000, he says "That's the one, I'll write a cheque and when it clears on Monday we'll come and fetch it." On Monday the jeweller phones the old man and says "There's no money in the account." The old man replies "I know, but can you imagine the weekend I've had!!" * * * * * * * * * *
A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.' * * * * * * * * * *
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer... The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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I went down to the Unemployment Office this morning to sign up my dog. The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. He gets his first cheque on Friday. * * * * * * * * * *
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. 'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy 'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'But me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.’ * * * * * * * * * *
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son. 'Go get your Mother.'
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt." * * * * * * * * * *
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o'course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." The man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye feckin believe me?!?"
